Cum Town | Regular | 05/26/2016
[00:00:25] You're listening to come town come down USA the official
[00:00:33] East Coast chapter that's right bitch. There's a west coast
[00:00:38] I wouldn't even call it a chapter, but I don't know if you saw a rogue organization rogue organization that stole our fucking name
[00:00:47] It's mostly just Brandon Wardell Brandon Wardell who else was a distant yeah Hampton was in there too
[00:00:52] And then some other fucking clown a vine guy. I believe yeah some vine guys never come in his life
[00:00:57] I bet he came he's never done a single come. I love to come personally. I do too
[00:01:03] That's why we're the come boys New York originals, baby
[00:01:07] Only in New York, baby, and this is the most highly anticipated podcast
[00:01:13] At people have been demanding it. I don't know about you, but on my DMS. I've got people every single day
[00:01:18] Hit me up saying when you when are you gonna make a podcast? Yeah me too. I am
[00:01:27] Mall dog Nick Mullen the most popular man on Twitter
[00:01:32] Most people pressing you or else you'd have way more followers. Yeah, dude. They have to delete
[00:01:37] 10,000 followers of mine a day because the bandwidth they don't have enough bandwidth. Yes the bandwidth. That's a big issue
[00:01:51] Combo original absolutely bitch. Yeah, and I don't know
[00:01:55] We decided whether you're going to be a regular
[00:01:59] I'm down. I'm down in fun. Yeah, so then we're gonna we're both hosting the podcast
[00:02:04] You just he just listened to it organically. Yeah, dude
[00:02:08] This will go down in history when we've done seven of these and decided to quit. Yeah the Wikipedia page
[00:02:13] Well, yeah, I feel like at that point that'll I'll feel good about the purchase of all this equipment
[00:02:20] When you can't pay rent. Yeah, I can't pay rent and I still have
[00:02:24] $500 worth of podcasting equipment that I paid for
[00:02:27] Over the course of a year. We're building a green room to a green screen. Yeah, I got a green. We got a studio
[00:02:32] It's called the Anthony Kumia studio to
[00:02:38] Baby, it's upper west side. That's where the shit is. We're no fucking up to optometrist's office. Yeah in the back
[00:02:47] No offense to the Anthony Kumia studio the great guys doing that. They got a lot of great content the Gavin McInnes show
[00:02:59] I love how we we already recorded one of these by the way and then we just didn't put it out because we shit on too
[00:03:04] Many people but here we are baby. Yeah three minutes in. This is take two guys. We had to do we had to delete the first one because
[00:03:17] But that's what you know, I don't feel is there a shit talking podcast is there not dude burning the bridges
[00:03:23] That's good mark Marin. We should do bring the bridge to this is you saying everything you
[00:03:28] Believe in thinking me just like trying to distance myself from it as much as possible. Yeah
[00:03:33] It's like well, I don't know he seems kind of nice Nick. Well, I don't know
[00:03:35] I mean, I don't actually I don't have I wouldn't say I have shitty beliefs. It's just
[00:03:39] There's so much you like I feel like I just can't say sure that as soon as I get behind closed doors
[00:03:46] You know, it's like inward right exactly. It's almost like everything now is the n-word where I don't
[00:03:53] You know if you just want to say it in the bathroom because you can't
[00:04:00] The n-word and a lot of opinions. It's like this is so good
[00:04:04] Yeah, you have like an itch in your asshole
[00:04:07] Mm-hmm and you you don't use you have to run into Starbucks and just say the n-word in the bathroom
[00:04:12] I'll click that happens how many times a day do you think that happens to you?
[00:04:18] Now it's a black barista working at the Starbucks every Starbucks in Manhattan
[00:04:25] That's why I'm not allowed in the bathroom folks. There he is
[00:04:31] Yeah, how do you feel about trans bathroom stock? I don't fuck come on man. I'm all pro whatever trans people want to do
[00:04:40] Any bathroom. Yeah, although I will say at my office. There's like a communal bathroom
[00:04:48] Washing her hands while I was about to go take a heinous shit and it took me a
[00:04:53] Couple extra beats. Well, that's cuz you're a pussy dude
[00:04:56] That's true if you weren't a pussy you would just shit right there in the sink next
[00:05:01] Because you're right she asked for she wanted gender equality. She got it. That's just gonna have to deal with
[00:05:06] With that with the reality of a man's body. That's exactly a man's size turd into a wash basin. I
[00:05:15] Think you're right. You're right. I'm pussy and I'm gay
[00:05:25] That's classic joke structure guys if you don't know we're both professional comedians both professional state of comedians
[00:05:32] Mullen you call that a derailment joke Mullen lives in a
[00:05:36] Chinese family's extra closet and I live in an eight by eight window. What's a room in a story?
[00:05:41] Yes, so we're both doing good as fuck. You're doing great. Well, I mean
[00:05:45] To live with a Chinese family is like shitty, but keep in mind I live in Manhattan. That's true. That's true
[00:05:56] It's Chinatown I call it the financial district that's right just because you have no understanding of geography
[00:06:03] It's the Chinese financial district they do Chinese finance they absolutely do playing fucking majang behind a laundromat
[00:06:13] Yeah, they all wear fishing vests and we're aviator sunglasses and play majang
[00:06:20] And then I think that's a gang. I think that's what a Chinese gang is totally they have enforcers. Yeah
[00:06:30] Is that who I think so I think where they kill people with those rat dumplings
[00:06:35] Poisoned rat dumplings those are delicious. There was a story. Did you see that last year?
[00:06:40] There was a there's a dumpling place called prosperity right and they sell dumplings for like a dollar and
[00:06:47] Yeah, it's it's literally six dumplings for a dollar
[00:06:50] Yeah, and there was a news story where they showed somebody got a picture of the kitchen which is just the alley behind
[00:06:58] Prosperity dumpling and they're making the dumplings like next to the trash and there was like a rat on the table
[00:07:03] Where they're making the dumplings and people are like I can't believe this and it's like yeah, I can totally can
[00:07:10] Why why do you think the dumplings were so cheap? Yeah, exactly. It's meat. It's like
[00:07:15] Pieces of meat for a dollar for six. It's unbelievable. They should be allowed
[00:07:21] But I go I mean I still go I was bummed when it closed not even though I knew it was gross my spot is on
[00:07:29] There's a dumpling place and I don't even know if it has a name and the woman works there
[00:07:34] It's just like a pirate. She's like a Chinese pirate. I patch
[00:07:42] You know she's more spiritually a pirate. Yeah, I think she's got like the you know the the you know, yeah pirate vibes
[00:07:51] A pirate aura to her that place is good. That's that one's one for five. Mmm bitch
[00:07:56] I would love to fucking have some dumpling. I'm my whole stomach's been fucked up
[00:08:01] I don't know what is I did a bunch of drugs and I did a bunch of and I ate like a complete piece of shit
[00:08:09] slim down for our listeners at home. I'm a plus-size gentleman and
[00:08:14] I went on a damn bender my dude and now I just fucking my whole stomach's fucked up. I've been eating rice
[00:08:19] I ate a bunch of plums to try and shit because I couldn't shit and
[00:08:23] It just backfired. I had a terrible stomachache and
[00:08:28] So now I would kill to be able to digest a fucking Chinese dumpling, but it's gone the iron stomach's gone
[00:08:34] I've been shitting pretty nicely the last couple days, but it was a couple days. What's the problem? There was a couple days of couldn't shit and
[00:08:43] Now my stomach just hurts and I can't like digest anything
[00:08:48] And for the road trip what I brought to eat was or what I bought was like a bushel of apples and
[00:08:59] And there was it was the day where like I wasn't driving so I was like I guess I'll eat my lunch
[00:09:03] Which was all ten apples in the summer sausage
[00:09:07] And like those are an opposite ends of the spectrum of like being able to shit versus like having the shit real bad
[00:09:14] Absolutely, and that was I think the most dramatic session in the bathroom. I've ever had my life
[00:09:20] Was it just yeah, because the apples are full of damn fiber and then the sausage is just fatty as hell
[00:09:27] Yeah, it's where'd you shit? Where did you shit that out?
[00:09:30] We were staying with somebody's friends, so I woke up in the morning. I woke up at like I
[00:09:36] Like an alarm clock in my small intestine
[00:09:39] Just went off at like six o'clock in the morning, and I went in the bathroom
[00:09:44] I know people always like to exaggerate. They like to exaggerate how long they fucked and how long they shit
[00:09:50] Do people exaggerate how long they fucking I feel like that's a college thing. No, I mean people still do I barely like yeah, right
[00:09:57] I fuck is like what do you think you fuck for total nine minutes like that's like that's long
[00:10:02] Yeah, nine minutes is nine nine minutes is like yeah, I did I did a good job
[00:10:07] You can't bitch about you know anything shorter than nine minutes, but yeah
[00:10:11] I mean at most like 25 minutes you mean the whole the total or do you mean actual penetration 25?
[00:10:17] Yeah actual penetration 25, okay. Yeah at most at that's like a lot. That's like a banner day
[00:10:27] my foreskin doesn't go all the way back and
[00:10:31] Sometimes it hurts when I fuck so sometimes I have to like doesn't go all the way back
[00:10:35] It's supposed to go all the way back it stops at the head. It looks like a turtle neck
[00:10:38] So you should have been you should have been circumcised
[00:10:41] I should have been circumcised and actually a doctor tried to circumcise me, but I just have too much pride too much
[00:10:47] Everything pride. What do you mean a doctor tried? He held me down
[00:10:51] He took a fucking doctor on the subway. Yeah, when I say doctors a guy meant I got a guy off scruff
[00:10:57] Yeah, a salesman for the weathermen company
[00:11:00] It was a guy selling fucking one of those called cut cut what was cut coz competitor
[00:11:08] Was no they had a competitor. Yeah, wasn't there another one. I don't know
[00:11:12] No, anyway, he was the one who tried to
[00:11:16] No, some doctor was like you should just get circumcised your dick. Do your dick doesn't work paraphrasing and
[00:11:22] I just couldn't do it though. Dude. I couldn't I can't have a fucking I don't want to change my hog up at this age
[00:11:29] Yeah, I mean I would absolutely not get circumcised if I was like almost 30 years old
[00:11:35] Yeah, it'd be weird to just start having a cut dick. Yeah, I feel like it gives me an optical illusion
[00:11:44] Well, that's why they do it to babies because they're like we need to have this done
[00:11:48] Like before the child can remember anything right because this is like such a traumatic
[00:11:53] Traumatic yeah, they don't knock you out for it. No, it's just local anesthetic and you can't fuck for or beat off for like a long time
[00:12:01] How long I looked anyway, I think it was like
[00:12:05] Because I I was considering it at the time I had a girlfriend and she was going to Europe and I was like
[00:12:09] You know, maybe I just time it to when she's away. And I'm not gonna fuck anyway. I think it's like at least 30 days though
[00:12:16] That's so funny. You get the circumcision and then she's like
[00:12:20] It's okay that you can't fuck or whatever and she goes on her trip to Europe and then she just fucks all the
[00:12:29] Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, it's your farewell to us. I can't deal with your
[00:12:34] Your your turtle necklace penis anymore. It's not good enough for me
[00:12:38] I got so used to that uncut dick what and I'm like what you know cuz I didn't know she was fucking
[00:12:44] She's sucking suck in turtle neck dick on a gondola for six months
[00:12:50] What do European guys do you have to fuck women with like songs and paintings? Oh, yeah
[00:12:56] Yeah, I mean and especially if you're like a if you live or work on like a fucking vacation spot
[00:13:02] It's so easy to fuck women who are just like trying to make a terrible decision my cousin. He's fucking how old is he?
[00:13:09] How is it no? I'm I'm 27. He's four years. I mean he's 31 years old and since he was a
[00:13:20] Did I get picked up? Yeah, no, I was him just got hard
[00:13:25] Oh my eye I got my Harley Davidson. Yeah, we should probably close that theater of the mind. Yeah
[00:13:33] But yeah, my cousin is a fucking he's a 30 year old man who?
[00:13:37] Who still because of Greece how fucked up the economy is his only job is seasonal work
[00:13:43] He's a bartender at a heavy metal themed bar in an island in Greece
[00:13:47] So he takes a fucking ferry and he goes was that a riding by on the yeah
[00:13:54] He fucking so he goes to this island Eos which is just like a party island
[00:14:00] It's like a fucking you know, I guess meatpacking was it fucking island, you know what I mean
[00:14:04] Yeah, and he just he's been fucking tourists since he was like he can't speak English or any other language
[00:14:11] And he just fucked so many Australian women so many Australians go there just on the beach
[00:14:18] No condom just fucking strangers. He'll never see again, and they're just like yeah, this is fun
[00:14:23] It's what I want to do so unfair. It's the context. That's the context women like will act like dudes
[00:14:28] It's like I'm on vacation. That's why their economy is shit
[00:14:31] That's why that's why like you know America is the greatest country in the world was your theory too much undeserved pussy
[00:14:38] Well, you can't just be like a guy you can't be that guy. Yeah, there's no guy in like Wildwood, New Jersey
[00:14:43] That's why I guess it probably is it but the quality is lower is it's that guy he comes over here
[00:14:49] The summer it's his ancestors. You ever go to Ocean City?
[00:14:53] Yeah, everything is staffed by like Ukrainian women
[00:14:56] They're like either like your option use sex traffic or cotton candy
[00:15:04] I don't think it's an option. I think you're ugly you're gotten candy stand. No is the cuter one
[00:15:08] So you're a candy stand if you're ugly sex traffic really I think so I never bought prostitutes in Ocean City neither
[00:15:17] Is that is that like a place that that I roll is gonna get picked up on the mic for sure
[00:15:21] I had a great I roll when I said he's doing it's called physical
[00:15:30] Look into the world of joke structure professional comedian. That's right bitch. How do you mean Nick will be teaching a
[00:15:39] Yeah, how to be about a semen are the come boys semen are dude boom we high boom
[00:15:46] Anyway, yeah the come boys seem an hour
[00:15:48] Sign up for it at $700 and we guarantee you'll be headlining by the end of it $420 in the 69
[00:15:54] There he is damn there. He was just smoke out of a fucking volcano. Hell. Yes
[00:15:59] Yeah, there's a guy used to hang out with and he would buy weed off this dude who was like it was funny
[00:16:05] He he was like like a Spencer's gifts version of Walter White
[00:16:10] Because he like worked at like a bio he was like a biochemical engineer
[00:16:13] So he made good money, but then you also like sold all this fucking weed and interesting like big cash flow and he had
[00:16:21] I bet he had never fucked any underage. Yeah, he's never had sex
[00:16:24] That was his that's his secret is he never once had sex
[00:16:31] Yeah, his apartment. He had like an extra room that he just turned into an aquarium
[00:16:35] Whoa, yeah, it was like a black light and then like, you know, just a bunch of fucking fish which was like
[00:16:42] Until you were high right and then it was there and it's like I take that all that stuff
[00:16:47] I said about your apartment being gay back man. Oh imagine being never met you before. Why are you criticizing my?
[00:16:57] Remember like looking up the pride, you know, cuz like I had never seen one before whatever. He's like, yeah
[00:17:03] This is the volcano. This is like the best vaporizer or whatever
[00:17:06] Right and we're looking him up and there was a time when I'm pretty sure it was a volcano
[00:17:10] Maybe there's another vaporizer. I'm just confusing too, but it was four hundred and twenty no no
[00:17:17] Focanos we used to be more. I don't know well there was one there was one that was that caused 420
[00:17:25] With other shit like I'm buying the PlayStation and I know it's not PlayStation dollars, right?
[00:17:30] You know, I don't know how much fucking cost to make so I assume like yeah, probably there it should cost four hundred dollars
[00:17:36] Right, but if you're able to price it at four hundred twenty dollars just because it's like cool
[00:17:41] Then I feel like I'm being ripped off right right right?
[00:17:43] I know it couldn't just be three hundred and eighty dollars
[00:17:46] What if it literally cost 420 and they were like fuck you. What's gonna believe us?
[00:17:52] And the boss just like look I want as low as possible, but we still make a profit and they're like boss. It's 420
[00:17:59] Yeah, I don't care. It's just it's not a pothead in this scenario some old guy
[00:18:04] Yeah, the boss volcano. Let's see. Oh Jesus Christ volcanoes cost like 600 bucks
[00:18:10] Yeah, well, I guess that's inflation. That's right. Yeah. Thanks for looking it up and ruining my story
[00:18:16] Now everyone who listens this is gonna think I'm a fucking idiot god damn it
[00:18:21] Yeah, I looked that up by fact check Nick and not only did I ruin his story
[00:18:25] But I was also not really listening to him while he was telling it so really ruined
[00:18:28] This is a no fact checking podcast. I'm sorry. I'm fucking never allowed to check me on anything
[00:18:38] Fuck man. No, please fucking band please dude
[00:18:42] How about a shout out to Tim Heckle Tim Heckle the best Tim Heckle trim heckle
[00:18:50] Tim Heckle the greatest open mike or of all time the greatest open mic host I've ever seen in my life ever
[00:18:56] Dude he ran the sidebar open mike of Baltimore
[00:18:59] That's where me and Nick first fell in love and started making out. Yeah, Nick was a raging alcoholic
[00:19:06] We get blacked out and I would suck him off while he slept and
[00:19:12] It's still running actually pretty pretty good mike of Baltimore, but Tim Heckle was this dude who?
[00:19:17] Moved back to Baltimore like I don't know to like have a life or something wasn't like doing anything in
[00:19:22] This comedy up here and he moved back to Baltimore like to figure shit out
[00:19:26] I don't know with his wife and shit that and I have him like a nice good life. Yeah, nobody gives shit about Tim
[00:19:31] Heckle. We're going too far into the Tim Heckle. Okay. Well punch go ahead there and buddy
[00:19:35] You know he was he was a great guy. He was a good guy and he used to bully
[00:19:52] Yeah, look them up. I guess there's no real point to the story except that he bullied Tim
[00:19:56] Uncle Holtz mercilessly and he was a great guy. Yeah
[00:20:00] So you're a pot guy. What's your vaporizer of choice? I would love I mean, I love the volcano
[00:20:05] You see hold on. Do you see that the FDA is just like made it so that all the e-sigs all the vapor eggs
[00:20:11] Have to go through the same like screening processes new tobacco products really yeah
[00:20:17] So like 97% of like the vapor eggs on the market are gonna disappear. Holy shit. That's hilarious
[00:20:24] So no more like fucking you know calculator that looking things
[00:20:29] Those ones that led you like change the teachers
[00:20:33] While the teachers trying to do you know anybody had one of those no mode something like I remember like when we would watch something in class
[00:20:40] It's like one or one or two times somebody had like a watch that was also like a universal TV
[00:20:46] No, that's hilarious just to fuck with the teacher and that's a good that's a good that's a good bit
[00:20:51] That's hilarious. Yeah fucking with teachers is the best laser pointers
[00:20:56] Hell yes. Yeah, I'm on board. I'm for them. I used to love lazy boy
[00:21:01] Is the fucking little kid I said laser pointer like attachments and shit you make it look like naked ladies
[00:21:06] Yeah, I actually had an idea for a product and don't steal it. No one is allowed to steal my idea
[00:21:11] Go ahead. This is a trademarked. It's copyright trademark
[00:21:14] Mm-hmm, but you get a late it's a laser pointer and it comes in a blister pack and it comes to the tip
[00:21:24] Listening officially license. Okay, so 100% totally unauthorized Batman logo, but then it also comes with
[00:21:32] Okay, a little Batman costume for your cat
[00:21:36] That is actually awesome. How good of an idea that is really good
[00:21:40] So you can shine the bat signal at the wall and then the cat chases the bat signal damn
[00:21:45] You know how many fucking idiots would buy that that's actually incredible. Yeah
[00:21:52] Yeah, because I've wasted all my money on podcasting equipment, that's right. Well, this is a little paper itself
[00:21:57] Yeah, this one's there's much less shit talk on this one. I'm happy with the way this one's going. Yeah, it's times
[00:22:03] Going by pretty quickly. So you want to take a break and then we'll take a two-minute break and we'll come back and we'll
[00:22:11] Show where from our sponsors. Yeah, we're from our sponsor
[00:22:15] Bnga calm being gay calm. It's actually my own website
[00:22:22] With with my website, make sure to subscribe to Nick's mailing list at being gay the chatter bit calm slash
[00:22:39] See me ask calm you got to send those tokens
[00:22:41] I do love watching those anyway. Yeah, we're taking a break. We'll be back. Goodbye
[00:22:47] I'm lieutenant Williams a police officer attached to the juvenile division
[00:22:52] I'm on my way to Monroe Junior High School to talk to a group of young people
[00:22:56] Let's take the case of Jimmy Barnes Jimmy played baseball all afternoon
[00:23:01] And he didn't feel like walking home. So he decided to thumb arrive
[00:23:05] He'd done it a hundred times before he didn't think anything was unusual when the drivers struck up a friendly conversation
[00:23:12] In fact, he seemed like a real nice guy
[00:23:15] He asked Jimmy if he played baseball in the park often Jimmy told him they practiced three times a week and played a rival group on Friday afternoon
[00:23:22] The stranger was a good listener too, and it only seemed minutes before they pulled up in front of Jimmy's house
[00:23:29] When Jimmy got out the stranger gave him a friendly pat
[00:23:32] Jimmy hadn't enjoyed himself so much in a long time
[00:23:36] Then during lunch Ralph showed him some pornographic pictures
[00:23:40] Jimmy knew he shouldn't be interested, but well, he was curious
[00:23:44] What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was sick a sickness that was not visible like smallpox
[00:23:49] But no less dangerous and contagious a sickness of the mind
[00:23:54] You see Ralph was a homosexual a person who demands an intimate relationship with members of their own sex
[00:24:03] Jimmy hadn't enjoyed himself so much in a long time
[00:24:07] The decision is always yours and your whole future may depend on making the right one
[00:24:13] So no matter where you meet a stranger be careful if they are too friendly
[00:24:18] If they try to win your confidence too quickly and if they become overly personal
[00:24:23] One never knows when the homosexual is about he may appear normal and it may be too late when you discover
[00:24:30] He is mentally ill so keep with your group and don't go off alone with strangers
[00:24:35] Unless you have the permission of your parent or teacher
[00:24:57] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I do how much money Tim Allen made off that noise so much
[00:25:04] I mean also this you know the well there's sitcom that he wrote too, but
[00:25:08] How many movement was like how many proven was the most successful sitcom of all time?
[00:25:15] I'm fucking listening to you. I'm like oh really damn. No, I mean, I'm sure he made he made plenty of baby made like yeah
[00:25:25] The season whatever season is 70 episodes
[00:25:30] That show used to air every single day of the season oh
[00:25:36] Hell yeah, I love it. I don't think so Tim Pamela Anderson was on the show. Wasn't she? Yeah
[00:25:41] She played the wife chill is Pam Anderson my favorite one was a scene on the boat where?
[00:25:48] Tim Allen fucks her, but he's yeah, but he's tiny drives the boat with his dad's right
[00:25:53] And that's the only thing I remember from that Pam Anderson sex tape is yeah
[00:25:57] It's not very much as Tommy Lee pressing the buttons on the boat with his dick. Does he like press the the honking?
[00:26:04] Horn and it's like you know those are that's what I would do if I had a huge dick for like a day
[00:26:15] If it was like a big situation where you wish to have a big dick your first
[00:26:19] Your first day you're snocking shit over you're knocking lightning bugs off
[00:26:32] You guys remember pogs y'all out to the 90s huh how about that dude what a decade tell me that a battle toad time to be alive
[00:26:41] Battle toad double dragon same game basically right yeah, they were bundled together
[00:26:46] I don't know I never played fucking battle toads. I didn't have like a super intended
[00:26:49] Would you have I didn't have anything I went over to my friend's house and he had it and like he would play by himself
[00:26:55] And then his mom would like yell downstairs. She's like Adam are you letting dick play?
[00:27:00] It's like South African I can't do the voice. That's why she became a British nanny, but she wait he wouldn't like say yes
[00:27:08] Well, they would always be one player game. Oh, I see I'm not gonna fucking make I was fine watching. I just liked yeah
[00:27:14] You know friend yeah, I just like having a friend
[00:27:20] Damn mom's childhood was sad bitch shut up man. I had plenty of fucking
[00:27:26] My mom was my friend we would hang out. You know she would yell at me for looking at her sewing machine
[00:27:34] Yo you for looking at it, huh dude how funny is oh initially we were gonna talk about Tom Myers
[00:27:39] Oh, yes the king Tom Myers is the greatest comedian of all time my favorite stand-up comedian
[00:27:46] If you if you want to know more about Tom Myers go to YouTube and type in Ed Schrader show
[00:27:57] Tom Myers and Tom was a guest on Ed's like a surreal talk
[00:28:05] So the whole the setup is is supposed to be like an eye it's supposed to have this like weird. It's a troll talk show
[00:28:10] It's a yeah, it's a troll. It's like a hipster
[00:28:13] ironic talk show so to the extent that even the announcer for the show is some guy that's like
[00:28:19] And your next girl like he's doing a dumb voice like everything's supposed to be bad and they got the best
[00:28:25] Comedian you could for an ironic talk show absolutely which is Tom Myers who the king looks like Steve Buschami
[00:28:33] addresses like Bill Hicks you know, it's funny about Tom Myers is Tom Myers had that hairline and
[00:28:38] Had the solution to that hairline, which is that weird comb over thing that he does
[00:28:43] That like age 21 when I met him. I was like 16
[00:28:46] He was 16 or 17 and I'm like oh this guy's in his like late 30s
[00:28:51] Absolutely. He looks 15 years older than he yeah, and he was like 21
[00:28:55] But I got on the Tom Myers tangent because you remember at his album recording
[00:28:59] He did that that joke about like he just slid it in there that his parents already have a grave for him
[00:29:10] For their son next to there so because he lives with his parents
[00:29:14] He lives with his parents calls Little League Baseball and works at 7-11
[00:29:18] He was the chairman of the Harford County young Democrats until he literally aged out of it
[00:29:30] So then he like man he is he come back from where he retired from comedy. No, did he I don't think so
[00:29:38] Here's the Tom Myers we were present both both Nick and myself were present for the recording of I believe it was something like pitch forks
[00:29:45] And he has some really strong imagery another yeah, he had an album called words of master structure master structure
[00:29:54] Skating criticism of the Iraq war and and pot
[00:30:02] Pot bong hit transplant hit transplant that's that's by the way bong it transplant is the is the punchline to a joke
[00:30:10] Go find it. You'll really enjoy it when you figure it out. It will make a lot of sense
[00:30:14] It really should be the punchline to every joke
[00:30:17] Yeah, what you get a bomb hit transplant
[00:30:24] It's like he's he's like pretending like he knows what weed is but also pretending like he knows what
[00:30:32] But yeah, Tom's a great guy though good guy
[00:30:35] Yeah, I do like him personally yeah, Tom
[00:30:39] I mean I feel like it's not bullying because Tom is immune to bullying. Yeah, he's so delusional that he can't like
[00:30:46] He can't even process do you remember when Joe Robinson used to go on the radio and make fun of Tom on the yeah
[00:30:51] Which that is bullshit. Yeah, well Joe's an asshole. Yeah, exactly Joe got Joe got into it with Tom Arnold a couple
[00:30:58] Hilarious. Yeah, yeah, which both of those guys
[00:31:02] Imagine that green room. Yeah, well, he wasn't allowed in the green room. That's right started
[00:31:07] It's Tom Arnold closed the green room door and I wasn't allowed in there
[00:31:12] Yeah, he's Tom Arnold. Yeah, just you're fucking working at a comic club. Of course some people are gonna be weird. Yeah
[00:31:18] Just fucking take it. Yeah, although Eddie Griffin did warn me that Obama was going to put I think make us all zombies
[00:31:27] Or there was gonna be a chip or something like that
[00:31:30] Crazy though that was three years ago and he said it was gonna be the next year and it still hasn't happened
[00:31:34] But you know how the government is well
[00:31:36] I don't know how met he griff is this he's always right
[00:31:41] Name one thing he's predicted that he's been wrong about you're right you read your book
[00:31:46] That is such a funny story tell it tell it he was he was
[00:31:51] This was like years ago. I was hoping for any Griffin and
[00:31:55] He started he would go really long he would do like three hour
[00:32:00] He would literally do on the late shows three hours when he's supposed to do an hour
[00:32:04] so people were there it was like you're delirious and he's closing his set and
[00:32:11] In the mint right before the set it was fuck. What was the exact he starts quoting scripture and
[00:32:18] He just starts saying like from the Bible. He just starts saying like he's quotes something and then his interpretation of it is that like
[00:32:26] Fuck what I'm blow. I'm butchering this it was like
[00:32:32] Something like zombies are gonna come back or
[00:32:35] What do you remember what the fucking what it was no? This is your story?
[00:32:38] I didn't think you would fuck it up. I fucked it up horribly. I bungled it big to our let me take let me take it again
[00:32:47] Assuming this is like a professional operation where I've got I don't I don't remember I have some some intern
[00:32:54] That's how every podcast has like an intern they got too many piercings. I don't know but we should get one. Yeah
[00:33:01] So I want that. I want it. Just so we have the guy like come on Mike. Yeah, that guy doesn't get a microphone
[00:33:07] We should yeah, we should pretend someone's here Richie you fucking idiots. That's good. Which is a good one
[00:33:13] Richie's a good Richie's 32 years old looks like he's 17
[00:33:17] He's still he's on he looks like he's always on his way to warp tour
[00:33:21] It's every podcast intern that is true because they're all they're all audio people. Yeah. Oh, that's what it is
[00:33:27] Yeah, they're trying to be Skrillex exactly and they wound up producing podcasts
[00:33:33] But any Griffin is saying like so any Griffin is taking forever and he starts he starts
[00:33:41] Scripture and then he says that like oh it was because
[00:33:44] Because we allowed gay marriage or something that we were gonna start that
[00:33:51] And he quotes some scripture that says because of gay marriage people were gonna be zombies that it was like the undead
[00:33:57] Shall come back from the dead in the time of sins and his interpretation and just some old but this is insane
[00:34:03] You know what I mean just insane shit and some old black woman in the crowd starts clapping and going read your book
[00:34:09] Like it's like that is true like what he said was in the Bible
[00:34:15] Like I don't even think what he was talking about was even remotely in there
[00:34:19] And she was just like read your book and it's book. It's like Saturday at 2 a.m
[00:34:24] It was one of the most hilarious and I'm sitting there just waiting to fucking close the show
[00:34:29] He said some other great stuff. It's been so long. I forgot it, but oh
[00:34:33] Really good stuff about a chip and who's the worst comic you've worked with?
[00:34:38] Like worst personally or worse like like who's the shittiest comic you've worked with you don't have to name names
[00:34:43] You can just describe their act and you know what they look like and what credits they might have
[00:34:55] Guess if you do I mean I just I used to open for a lot of I
[00:34:59] Mean when you're starting out you just open for a lot of shitty local headliners
[00:35:02] But yeah in terms of like like national headliners. I've gotten some good
[00:35:08] I mean there's some people just like do their same act from like fucking that was gonna be my answer that everyone I worked with has been great
[00:35:18] No, I I everyone I worked with one guy who just kept he was doing his same hour from like
[00:35:25] You know eight years ago. Yeah, and he was just like wrong with that by the way, huh?
[00:35:30] That's fine. You don't need to write new stuff if it's gold
[00:35:33] Yeah, if it's gold if it's gold stories about it stays folks
[00:35:37] That's comedy rule number three and which is whatever like honestly whatever if that's what you're gonna do this
[00:35:42] We want to do but he was like shitting on me for doing the same
[00:35:45] Feature set every time what the fuck I swear to God. He was like oh same stuff. I would come off stage
[00:35:50] You'd be like oh nice same same act, huh? I was like I've heard this I remember this actual when I was in fucking middle school
[00:35:57] You're gonna shit on me. I think it was probably just like an insecure
[00:35:59] Yeah, I remember one time one of those guys that erwin booked for remember EJ's hell. Yes, baby
[00:36:07] J's landing dude EJ's first up of my guy ever did was it EJ's landing a seafood restaurant in college to run
[00:36:13] I used to run the mic across the street at college perk beforehand and we would I would go with
[00:36:18] Jordan Owens. Oh, yes, you could do karaoke at EJ's landing and
[00:36:23] And yeah, so EJ's landing is like it's like a nautical themed bar
[00:36:30] Mm-hmm now. It's the varsity lounge by the way. Oh, it's gone unfortunately. Okay. Well it used to be like a nautical themed bar in
[00:36:40] At the time was the best Western and then they lost their franchise and then it was a clarion
[00:36:46] I think it's a clarion still no really they lost a clarion and then they just had like a tarp over the logo
[00:36:50] That was like the college park hotel or something like that. I just didn't have like
[00:37:01] So erwin took that room and started booking people there like bringing in headliners
[00:37:07] And he brought in this fucking hypnotist like Cleveland. Yes who drove there in his like
[00:37:14] 92 civic, you know all the way from Cleveland to headline
[00:37:22] I mean no one would ever be at those shows to no one no one charged like ten dollars ahead. Yeah
[00:37:27] Yeah, it was so the audience is me Jordan and then like
[00:37:34] This guy and his fucking fiance or something so sport is there and the hypnotist goes on stage
[00:37:40] He's like I'm the amazing fucking dickhead or whatever name is and
[00:37:45] And he's like I need four volunteers from the audience
[00:37:51] Yeah, I forget can I get four volunteers so you know our wins like looking around he's like come on everybody
[00:38:01] Why get up on this stage everybody Erwin Fredler doesn't know is a
[00:38:08] He looks like he's like a he always he likes to compare himself to Ron Jeremy's like I look like Ron Jeremy which like
[00:38:14] But once you take away the dick that's an insult that's horrible. Yeah
[00:38:19] Like stare, but it looks like a fatter Ron Jeremy. Yeah, you look yeah
[00:38:23] You look a fatter fucking Super Mario Ron Jeremy looking dude, right and so he's like somebody get on the stage
[00:38:30] Which the stage by the way, there's no stage. Yeah, it's the front of the karaoke bar. They just turned some of the chairs
[00:38:38] So we're sitting there and it's like that
[00:38:41] He's like a hypnotist and he's going through all these like motions
[00:38:45] You know he's like now I want you to breathe in breathe out close your eyes and we're all sitting there
[00:38:49] And he's got such some stupid music playing and he's giving you commands, but they're like preparation commands
[00:38:55] They're like, you know, it's almost like you're sitting in like a yoga studio
[00:38:57] He's like lean back now lean forward or whatever and he goes on he does so you're doing it, right?
[00:39:02] Is everyone you're doing it? You're like cons yeah, we're all on stage. Okay. There's no one in the audience right now. No
[00:39:08] half way through this like two like black dudes came in and sat down and
[00:39:16] He's like doing all this like, you know breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out
[00:39:18] And then eventually he goes like in sleep and he like pushes your head down
[00:39:22] And then that's when you realize like oh, I'm supposed to be hypnotized now and I'm not
[00:39:34] But you've already been listening to him tell you to do things and then you realize like I'm supposed to be hypnotized and you're like
[00:39:44] You don't want to like ruin this guy's fucking do you think anyone was hypnotized the girl was really and I had to like
[00:39:50] Reach down her shirt at one point. He like made me sexually assault her
[00:39:55] She's as part of the hip and which I was fine with yeah
[00:39:58] It's not the act it's not illegal if it's you know under him. No, you're
[00:40:05] When I sucked off that seven-year-old kid
[00:40:12] You're just wearing a fucking you just wrap your head and like a swami's hat or whatever the fuck well
[00:40:18] It goes to show you that the only way to be hypnotized is if you're asking for that's right
[00:40:22] You got to be somebody that weak-minded. Yeah a weak-minded imbecile. That's right. Um, so do you want to plug stuff?
[00:40:30] Yeah, I'd love to plug guys. I have the number met number one erotic men's Instagram account plus size men's Instagram account
[00:40:46] I'm fucking naked in every picture and I'm really trying to be I'm really trying to go viral as hell so
[00:40:53] Fuck up that you're allowed to be a nude man on Instagram
[00:40:58] But you're not allowed to see a woman's brass or a pussy
[00:41:02] The bravest thing you can do as a woman is to put pictures of your vagina on Instagram
[00:41:06] But you just keep doing it until they ban you make a new account post your titties
[00:41:12] Your pussy or just DM that's what Harriet Tubman would have done Elizabeth Katie Stanton
[00:41:18] Susan B Anthony, that's right. They all would have been nude on Instagram. Aren't you mama?
[00:41:25] Man, have you seen the original launch a mama? No, oh my god, the computer just died so I can't look it up but
[00:41:32] Ray sist I believe it. Yeah, just big red lips probably. Oh, she wasn't a cartoon. It's an actual human. Oh really?
[00:41:40] But yeah, like a just total like Mandy. Yeah, well imagine dude. What's acceptable now?
[00:41:47] Imagine what people vote was okay in the 50s. You know what's fucking hilarious and don't fact check me on this
[00:41:55] But it's something pretty bad. We're like
[00:42:01] Sorry if anyone heard me clicking my pen
[00:42:08] Nice dude, I thought it would probably didn't get picked up
[00:42:22] So uncle Ben was like supposed to be like a slave that was like she's
[00:42:28] Uncle Ben who like I don't know escaped to San Francisco to make pasta
[00:42:32] No, yeah, the story was he was like a slave and then they finally like changed the story
[00:42:50] But in like 2009 Jesus waited a very long time. There was just some old man that like ran uncle benzer
[00:42:58] Like he's a slave people won't eat the rice unless they know he's a slave. It's a part of this brand
[00:43:04] It's the story. It would be so disrespectful to instant rights to history to history if we change the slave backstory
[00:43:13] Of uncle ben so he's gonna be a place in philly called chinks steaks. Yeah, yeah, yeah
[00:43:19] And I remember one of the first time I saw it. I was like that's gotta be
[00:43:23] Somebody just fucked up. You know, well, it was just a guy
[00:43:26] It was just like some Italian guy who had like small eyes
[00:43:30] That's literally and I'm not even being funny. That's the story look sleepy
[00:43:34] That's what the description was on the website and then they finally changed the name to like jose or something in like 2012
[00:43:40] Yeah, it was like a big fight. Yeah, which goes to show you you could be a little more racist towards Asians and no one really
[00:43:47] Yeah, well how funny is it that they changed chinks steaks before the red skins
[00:43:55] That they got the chink they got the chink joe
[00:43:59] Before they got to dance niner. Yeah, I wonder how long that's gonna keep going forever
[00:44:04] As long as I mean as long as dan sine is the owner. He's not gonna change the name
[00:44:10] Is it though? Yeah, I mean you made it clear. He's not changing the name
[00:44:14] Yeah, no, it is. I mean I got no take on this, but I just think it's fucked up
[00:44:18] I don't have any kind anything funny, but uh, well is that one is braves offensive?
[00:44:23] I didn't even give a shit about the braves braves is I guess okay? I don't know
[00:44:28] That's also there's no well. There's no race is married. Yeah, there's no image. No
[00:44:32] Meri. Yeah, yeah, there's no racist logo like the Cleveland Indians. It's like that one's bad
[00:44:36] That one is fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah chief wahoo first of all the name sounds like a fucking slur
[00:44:49] What's up with uh, and you won't like this but like
[00:45:00] Do what do I guess white people do have like noises they make
[00:45:03] What is it like the Scottish the Scottish heads the rebel yell
[00:45:07] Is that like the rebel they no one knows what it sounds like but like the scott rebel yell isn't that
[00:45:11] Some fucking can you know yeah the confederate confederate
[00:45:15] I thought it was like Scottish confederate the south was like mostly Scottish wasn't it?
[00:45:19] I don't fucking know. Is it like fucking just
[00:45:22] Tres Scottish trash. Yeah, who were just mad that like
[00:45:26] If slavery stopped there would be then like they'd be equal with black people
[00:45:30] They're like there was no one lower than them. There's probably like so much white trash
[00:45:34] It was just like oh no, we can't free slaves
[00:45:36] Well white trash didn't exist until after slavery ended and then they were like we need to find a way to pit these people against each other
[00:45:43] Right, right, right and then we're gonna start calling poor whites white trash and then they're like, no
[00:45:48] I gotta be better somehow. Yeah, I'm gonna do it with bumper stickers. Don't don't fact check us folks, baby
[00:45:54] Yeah, please do not fact check any of this. There's a no fact check podcast
[00:45:59] That's you can't actually if you want to like write jokes
[00:46:01] You can't actually know the details of anything. No because you know it's funny. I've for like three years
[00:46:08] Occasionally I would be doing feed your sets
[00:46:09] I mean you see this bit about a homeward bound the movie homeward bound and the bit was like
[00:46:15] Everybody loved those movies, but like the premise is what that these people move and they forget their pets
[00:46:23] Shitty bit, but right um like it would do well and it took like years before someone's like, you know
[00:46:29] That's not the plot of home. It's like what do you mean? They're like they're just going vacation and the pets think they were left behind
[00:46:41] Yeah, that little I give a shit about my craft who cares you're fine. Yeah, well, you're just taking down homeward bound
[00:46:47] It's not like it's fucking your opus. Yeah, I used to have angels in the outfield joke. Oh, yeah, it's a good joke
[00:46:53] Yeah, but uh, I'm like terrified that I got the details of that movie. No, I don't think I did
[00:46:58] I think that joke is good. Yeah, I think I got it right that so out
[00:47:03] The story is this kids, uh, he's just got it. He's a son of like a dad and there's no mom
[00:47:15] Is like I'm putting you in foster care. Yeah, I think that's right. He puts this on in foster care
[00:47:20] So he can ride his motorcycle. That's the reason he wants to go up north to ride his motorcycle
[00:47:25] And the son is like dad are we ever gonna be which by the way? I don't think you can put your 12
[00:47:33] You have like I don't know I'm gonna handle all right. We'll take him. He's got his own keys to the apartment
[00:47:47] Uh, now I'm just I don't want to just do the bed. I should just we should wrap it here
[00:47:51] I think this is like that's a yeah, I do the bit first episode. We do the bit
[00:47:56] No, this is not gonna be a bit doing show. You're right. You're right. This is gonna be
[00:48:00] Uh non-track checking just just two buds getting fucking
[00:48:05] Sucked off. We've been getting sucked off this whole time by the way. That's the other part of my chatter
[00:48:15] But uh, yeah, so this is we'll we doing one of these every single day. Yep
[00:48:19] In twice a day. Yeah until one of them sounds good enough to actually put on
[00:48:27] These are in a vault somewhere. We never even like it my private collection
[00:48:32] You're print you're the prince of podcast. Yeah
[00:48:35] Prince of prince of podcast, but that should do it. That's like oh yeah, they're five minutes
[00:48:40] Uh, no, he's gonna listen. Thank you for checking into come town check. Yeah, come town every week
[00:48:46] Um for at least probably two weeks three or four or three weeks
[00:48:51] Before I have to sell the podcast and quit to make rent to pay the Chinese people
[00:50:03] But why don't you have aThat's the last wall so it goes lift.