Cum Town | Regular | 04/26/2018
[00:00:01] Hard poop pussy. Hey, this is mark mark wallberg and we're out here in Cabo San Lucas
[00:00:07] And I'm doing 20 bench presses for retarded kids
[00:00:10] We're raising money for retarded kids here in Cabo San Lucas. I don't have a shirt on and I'm ready to bench press
[00:00:17] That's like half his Instagram really. Yeah, he's doing charity without shirts on. Yeah shirtless charity. Oh, hell yeah
[00:00:23] That's raising money for the retarded kids of Boston Association
[00:00:27] So one of my favorite chairs in Boston my favorite charity the mentally retarded Boston child Association
[00:00:37] That's a good charity mark. Let's look at it as good as Instagram now. Let's go look at him without that shirt on
[00:00:46] Am I a little upset you want to explain why?
[00:00:55] Well, I yeah, I'm annoying whenever we fucking have to do that
[00:00:58] I think it's gonna be a fine episode. We're gonna release it as another bonus anyway
[00:01:01] So you guys you know we are we we are man
[00:01:04] I'm that I am upset about whenever we record these things and we don't release that's fucking stupid because there's plenty of good shit in there
[00:01:10] That's like especially if we're already doing an episode or or or do we are we not is this not an episode either?
[00:01:20] This is the only time that's fine out people that's fine
[00:01:23] No, I thought that was the discussion yesterday that we're gonna release it as a bonus episode
[00:01:28] We should really say that and anyway, I'm gonna be out of town this weekend
[00:01:31] So yeah, we're gonna do so stay tuned guys if you're paid around subscribers guess who's getting an extra shitty episode
[00:01:39] It'll be fine. It seems fine, you know whatever. It's not the best episode, but I don't give a fuck dude. Yeah
[00:01:46] Happy EC all make sure aqua hydrate shirtless again here to promote
[00:01:51] Some type of water it's Diddy's water. Oh is it yeah, what does a mark have his own water?
[00:01:58] I think they sponsor Diddy and Brandon Wardell do they I think Brandon gets cases if no he doesn't get sponsored by them
[00:02:05] I think you maybe got a free maybe didn't once yeah as an influencer
[00:02:11] We got to be lifestyle influencers. Yeah, yeah, I would love to have a partnership with a brand
[00:02:17] If you have a brand out there, and you want me to fucking be the spokesman
[00:02:22] Holler at me, dude. Yeah, you know if if what's a lot like cheese flavored cigars? No like
[00:02:30] What was that was a big company to pair with stop? What was that women's store lady bugs sweatpants with pockets?
[00:02:37] Fashion bug if you if fashion bug wants to fucking release a men's line. Mm-hmm. I'm your guy
[00:02:41] What's the sledding one that I could bleach to get a rainbow plush to get peanut oil off your hands that special type of soap
[00:02:49] I use peanut oil. I use avocado oil olive oil on your body
[00:02:52] Yeah, we have some cooking at oil you have the residue from a late night trip to checkers on your hand
[00:02:57] You want to forget that it happened. I'm not a checkers boy. Check out
[00:03:01] Stavros, how kias baby wipes brought to you by I don't know
[00:03:05] Glaxo Smith Klein whatever type of chemical company has to come up with
[00:03:09] Do pot I will do pot doubt the Dow chemical company
[00:03:13] The only wet naps that'll work on a man. He's got nine layers of being dipped
[00:03:19] It's coated on his hand. Yeah, it's just it's just the nine layer dip, but it's all my hand is a sour cream cheese
[00:03:30] Dow the Dow seven layer like company that makes diabetes medicine, but the medicine is just inside
[00:03:36] That sounds good. Yeah, that's in the middle. It's a gobstopper
[00:03:42] The diabetes and they know no fat person has the fucking
[00:03:46] Patience to get to the middle so that the medicine's not gonna work. They're gonna need more of it. Yeah, it's smart dude
[00:03:52] They're gonna keep selling more and more. Yeah, so yeah, I'm open to all these ideas except cheese flavored cigars. I don't want to do that
[00:04:05] You mean a mozzarella stick yes, yes exactly if you want his
[00:04:10] Melastics I'll do that too. Hey when you're at a restaurant. They call that shit fried cheese
[00:04:15] Where did the mozzarella sticks plenty of places that makes you feel bad. I know it's in one place
[00:04:22] Numerous restaurants have been to refer to it as fried cheese sticks rather than mozzarella sticks. That's bullshit, man
[00:04:27] Yeah, it's rude. It is maybe they don't use mozzarella
[00:04:30] Speaking of fried cheese sticks Lindy West movie is picked up by lor Michaels is gonna produce
[00:04:37] Is it a movie I thought it was a show. I don't know I don't really pay attention to these sorts of things
[00:04:40] I just if you do when I sent it to you said you're a senior
[00:04:44] Yeah, because somebody else sent it to me. I got sent the same screenshot nine times
[00:04:49] People updated anytime Lindy does anything people let me know yeah
[00:04:53] Wow dude you guys are bound together for eternity. Yeah by gravity
[00:04:56] It's a one of the four subatomic forces of the universe. I don't have any control over it
[00:05:08] Yeah, what was I gonna say for about a woman that's so fat that it sucks to come out of your body
[00:05:15] Like the moon with the tides. Yeah. Oh is that okay?
[00:05:19] Yeah, so you mean she's an ash which she'd have to be an astronaut in orbit. Yeah, and she's the tide is
[00:05:25] Come coming out of your dick right there. The gravitational pull
[00:05:30] Of the had girthy woman. Isn't that how periods work right?
[00:05:37] This is something to do with a look at that look how gross that is what is it used on the dog?
[00:05:47] That's you shaved your hands yesterday. I know
[00:05:49] I'm shaving my hand. I'm not making funny. I'm saying this again today. I know I like shaving my hand
[00:05:55] Stop shaving your knuckles at the table. I get look disgusting. It keeps me smooth and fast
[00:06:02] I say you're what the good riffs saying things like cheese cigars. Yeah, you got to be smooth
[00:06:07] All right, look I can already tell I'm gonna have to carry this show this time because it's a makeup episode
[00:06:11] And I'm gonna get zilch from YouTube bozo. No, I'm I'm feeling a lot better. I was I was tired yesterday
[00:06:18] Oh, were you tired? Yes, I was too busy thinking about bits
[00:06:35] It's so funny until like two months ago. I did stand up maybe three times in 2017
[00:06:41] Yeah, I know I went I went out probably like 10 times in 2017. That's crazy. Really? Yeah
[00:06:47] I quit comedy basically. I mean when I was right on go up when I was writing on lotia show
[00:06:51] I didn't go up a single I would do I went three and a half months without doing a single spot
[00:06:56] Damn, that's wild. I know it feels good to be back
[00:06:59] But also you'll never feel like you belong again once you take a break the fuck you never a comedian anymore
[00:07:04] I can tell you just see the way people look at me
[00:07:06] You just had them at the club and I'm hanging out such weird issues man
[00:07:09] Like the things that you are self-conscious about are hilarious. No, everybody. Nobody treats you the same
[00:07:14] No, that is true. They find that I read that out trades. Yeah
[00:07:20] Real big guy some guy that burned out, you know
[00:07:23] He used to go to jail for long periods of time when he would come out and then he would get excited about pop culture shit
[00:07:28] That happened years prior. Oh, yeah, like dude if you heard about Xbox live
[00:07:38] I've never seen that movie. Yeah, it's not a good movie what happens today my friend went to jail
[00:07:42] He got out of jail and then he got a place to live and he had a day in real life poster in his house
[00:07:48] Yeah, it was mmm. Wait, what happens there? I think it's a drama. I've never seen it
[00:08:01] Real life they find out that he's not not a you know racist podcast
[00:08:06] Oh, okay, just a guy named just a family man named Dan interesting
[00:08:11] You know simple one syllable having named just once a guy just once the dude would working
[00:08:19] Yeah, that does seem like a fantasy because that would never happen in real life
[00:08:22] Yeah in reality that guy is exactly as racist as he is on the podcast
[00:08:30] What happened so wait some guy who was an in-sell guy like kill
[00:08:34] What happened oh that was Toronto yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy with the van he was also retarded. He was in cell and retarded
[00:08:40] Yeah, and Armenian oh my god. He must have been a pain
[00:08:46] But I'm not here for all the retarded kids except that one that drove that van through that parade
[00:08:51] For the guy that pulled a little Boston marathon action up in Toronto
[00:08:56] Boston even does it our murders better actually not that many people
[00:09:00] How many people died in that Boston bombing like 700 people
[00:09:09] Instant pots, but but then like a lady died
[00:09:18] So maybe Toronto maybe he did better than dude
[00:09:20] I don't know when that guy set it off with that truck and niece and he killed like a hundred people
[00:09:25] Yeah, this is the way to go. Yeah, you know you got to go truck
[00:09:29] You got to go truck. He's Jordan. Yeah, you know you want to talk. It's a big truck. That's that's the real grave digger
[00:09:39] Yeah, hell yeah, dude. No fear Calvin pissing on the American flag
[00:09:53] They all love that I'm telling you dude. We're getting closer and closer to a redneck Muslim world
[00:09:58] That's not some people want you know fucking white people discover Islam. That's the end of the world for everybody else
[00:10:06] Yeah, if you have like Muhammad justifying their hate crimes who boy, you know, I don't think that'll ever happen
[00:10:13] I mean could you think white people white white trash that why why would everything about Islam appeals to them?
[00:10:18] Every single thing like swords now trucks also that's true. Yeah guns violence
[00:10:27] It's oppressive towards everyone except them you get the rape all you want. Yeah, man are the best
[00:10:38] Religion you have a giant fucking duck dynasty beard that's true the beard
[00:10:42] It's 100% compatible with that lifestyle the only thing is is they don't have the music kind of sucks
[00:10:53] You know, it's not cool shit like well, you know, we're going down to the dance and I hope that girl from the Dairy Queen is there
[00:11:01] I am maybe they could mix up a little going mutting, you know, that's a lot like pushing a gay guy off the roof of the building
[00:11:14] Yeah, well aren't aren't a bunch of like terrorists actually gay
[00:11:21] They found out bin Laden all that don't they like boys or something. Yeah, yeah in Afghanistan like the warlords
[00:11:27] We're fucking boys. I think it's like they said. Oh, you know, this porn is if like
[00:11:32] Just so does it every yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, oh now, you know, I thought bin Laden was a pretty cool guy
[00:11:40] What a monster you think he's actually they actually got him dude. I think seal teams in the bottom on
[00:11:48] Shit is asking the water. Yeah, right about a boy pack a star
[00:12:06] Frosty what happened they threw him into the ocean. Yeah, we got no proof. There's no I want to see his head
[00:12:10] There's a couple pics, right? He died doctor. I like that
[00:12:13] Some bin Laden and Jack from Titanic died the same way. Yeah, I think the seal team six kissed him on the lips
[00:12:29] Yeah, dude, this should be a big Osama bin Laden grave and memorial
[00:12:33] You know we should put a beard on the top of the Washington Monument. Yeah, well that way it'll be bait for terrorists
[00:12:39] That's true. They'll come to be like oh, I give respect respect with payers my respects to Osama
[00:12:44] And we have Chris Kyle and we fly in or something. Yeah, that's what we should have done
[00:12:49] We should have we should have made that's we should have let them turn ground zero into a mosque
[00:12:55] As mosques create the biggest mosque in the West
[00:13:05] To really if Trump that's my Trump went out. I would be like salute. Yeah, I would be like all right
[00:13:18] That would be I love that you guys excited for Hillary 2020. Yep, she's coming back baby. It's gonna happen. I'm ready
[00:13:25] Joyan Reed would have been with that lady
[00:13:29] Yeah, yeah, she had the old blog post where she's like honestly it is disgusting look at gay guys
[00:13:39] And then she said apparently she said that Russia
[00:13:42] Hacked her old blog, which isn't even online anymore awesome. Yeah
[00:13:47] Yeah, it'll be awesome when Hillary runs again and everyone's like doesn't blame her for losing and
[00:13:52] Then she lose to Trump again. Yeah, please bring up your name run
[00:14:00] It's like I'm running for president is part of the knife party
[00:14:05] It's all different collections of butterfly knobs and blades and things are enjoy that nature
[00:14:11] It's like what are you gonna do about the economy? I don't know nothing about that. I just collect knives
[00:14:15] That's my platform. They're like well, what how about Syria? What are we gonna do with Syria again?
[00:14:20] I don't know how more direct I could be
[00:14:23] Collect knives and I'm a knife enthusiast and if you have questions about that
[00:14:26] I'll answer them everyone's like clapping
[00:14:28] Hillary's like we're gonna kill all the children in Syria
[00:14:45] Yeah, this week was really annoying cuz Emmanuel Macron was visiting
[00:14:50] The White House and he's married to his old teacher from school. She's like 30 years older than him really
[00:14:55] She was his French teacher. She's hot. It's like the most French thing. Are you serious?
[00:15:00] That's his wife. He fucked his teacher as a child and then grew up and made her a wife. Wow. Yeah
[00:15:06] We all everybody knows that story already whatever that but everyone's like
[00:15:11] Melania and Trump and then secret macro
[00:15:16] Like I wish our I wish our president was as in love as the French president with his old lady
[00:15:23] They're like, yeah, isn't it pathetic that we remember when we had Obama and he used to love with my cousin cuddles his wife
[00:15:30] Yeah, yeah, he's to he's to top and bottom and bottom from the top and
[00:15:35] Yeah, for don't care. It sucks that we get blumkins from her
[00:15:38] It is funny because the only cool thing about Trump is that he fucks. Yeah
[00:15:43] Cool thing about him. Yeah, why did the left keeps trying to promote that he has sex. Yeah people pretty cool
[00:15:50] Yeah, I mean he sucks, but it is cool that he fucks. I
[00:15:53] Mean he fucks in that weird rich guy way. He's not good at fucking probably
[00:15:57] I think Stormy Daniels and the Playboy girl said he was good at fucking and that his dick was good really
[00:16:03] I think so. Yeah. All right. Okay, respect Donald. This is she got pipe. This is the day Donald Trump became president
[00:16:14] That I found out his dick was pretty good
[00:16:18] Do you really want to trust the economy with a man that just collects knives?
[00:16:35] It's pretty guys hog you got there sir. Yo, what is you know it is gonna suck. I didn't want to have to do this
[00:16:42] It's the only thing I came here is a last resort when you push a man do it limits
[00:16:52] It's all disputes both on the national stage and while waiting in line at Arby's
[00:17:00] Is a Joe Biden gonna probably run for president? Yeah, he's oldest fuck to yeah, and he's a fucking sexual predator also
[00:17:07] Oh, because son is brain cancer. Yeah, well you get one if your son gets cancer
[00:17:13] Yeah, if you think it's brain cancer. I think his wife and kid also died in a terrible car
[00:17:18] That's one point. That's 1.75. Yeah, he's lost a lot of kids that guy
[00:17:23] Strange hmm. I'm not gonna say or maybe or maybe God is punishing him. Yeah, you know
[00:17:43] Who should we get to run for president guys not the rock not Oprah we need a candidate for the cable guy
[00:17:49] Yeah, that's it. They're the cable guy literally could win. Yeah, I mean it's Trump one
[00:17:54] Dude as Larry the cable guy he would win not a stand with yeah, no, no, no, of course
[00:18:08] The week before the election do that already
[00:18:14] I think it would actually work be like oh what yeah, he loses to Alexa
[00:18:23] Hillary loses to one of Jeff Dunham's puppets
[00:18:30] In a puppet with a man's hand in his ass this whole time shut up bitch
[00:18:36] Boom you cock out sweetie and that man is flat of me or Putin
[00:18:44] You think there's gonna be a trans Republican candidate before there's a of course dude Caitlin
[00:18:50] Yeah, probably yeah, oh Caitlyn the best was during the election when she was gonna shoot guns today
[00:18:56] Where it's a nice day. There's a place in Manhattan. Yeah now you have to go out of the city
[00:19:01] There's a indoor shooting region. We should go do that this week. We have another rainy day
[00:19:08] But when I'm back yeah, we're gonna we have to go shoot fire on
[00:19:12] Oh, I don't know if this one's coming out tomorrow or if the other ones coming out tomorrow
[00:19:15] But we are going to Baltimore next oh, yeah, he just he just messaged me okay great
[00:19:20] So announcing officially right now we can announce yeah, we will be at the auto bar in Baltimore on Sunday the sixth a little impromptu
[00:19:29] Show secret show little basically a secret show, but please come out to that we're gonna do a live podcast
[00:19:34] Just the boys getting our nuts sucked in Baltimore. So please come out to that guys the sixth that is
[00:19:41] That's basically in a week and a half at this point. So it's very soon. It's probably a bad idea that we're doing this
[00:19:48] But hey who gives a fuck we're gonna have fun in Baltimore. I have a fun weekend. Yeah
[00:19:52] Yeah, we're gonna sell like five tickets. Yeah, it's gonna be should we how much should we how much you tickets be? Oh, we'll talk about that
[00:20:11] Yeah, I actually think now I'm thinking about it's probably a bad idea to do a Baltimore show so soon after the DC show
[00:20:16] It's not so soon it's four months. Yeah, but in procrastination time
[00:20:21] It's been like two weeks for us. Yeah, it feels like that
[00:20:24] Well, like like if fucking matters like we would prepare for it anyway, you know matters black lives. That's true
[00:20:30] Yeah, that's the only thing that's a little taste of the stuff. We're gonna be talking about
[00:20:34] Serious at that Baltimore. Yeah, we're gonna have special guest Sheila Dixon will be and the mayor Tom
[00:20:42] Subway mask. Oh fuck should we try should we offer Tom like six grand?
[00:20:45] Dude, he's mad at me and then people keep people are like being mean to Tom
[00:20:50] And it's like I've never I've never been mean to Tom the only thing I've ever done
[00:21:02] At that show that you open for him and mocked him six years ago H forks was not mean to him
[00:21:08] It's just like I'm realistic about what Tom is but I wish him the best and it's like
[00:21:12] We love Tom Salarian. I literally do it. He doesn't understand why he's funny
[00:21:18] It's the same thing with Seth. It's like, you know, it's a guy that's like very funny
[00:21:23] But not for the reasons they want to be is not on purpose funny. Yeah, he is very funny
[00:21:27] Bong it transplant is a great joke. Which is like as a comedian like you're always gonna be partially that you know
[00:21:33] I mean, there's nothing fucking worse than the comedian that takes himself seriously. Yeah, you know Tom does
[00:21:39] Which of course great, which is also sort of what's great. How awesome would it be if Tom like just leaned into it
[00:21:49] Like that we're gonna harass I've never said anything bad about Tom and he takes like I'm to call him like a shittiest comic in the world
[00:21:58] Or so, I mean I did but yeah, so did Nikki. Yeah, I mean, okay. How about this?
[00:22:03] That's both worlds you know, Tom all of door
[00:22:06] Yeah, Tom gets the whole door if the Tom of you listening. I love that picture he posted it's like the return of Ron
[00:22:30] He's healing from the gout surgery quite nicely
[00:22:36] Lewis did of like everyone's asked me to book this guy Tom Mars
[00:22:39] It must be pretty cool and Tom posted on Instagram was like how's your day going everybody?
[00:22:48] Everyone's requesting this guy and I still probably won't book him. How's your dad?
[00:22:54] You put you guys up to you know he adjusted the belt
[00:22:57] Just like he did before I'm an assign up to be an intern of that tweet where he was like
[00:23:03] Like oh, yeah, it's nice to see a video of former open mic extraordinaire
[00:23:09] Yeah, what do you mean by that that I'm a professional comedian?
[00:23:15] That is formerly very promising open maker that became a good comic
[00:23:19] Hey, yeah, anyways, he goes yeah music on bits
[00:23:25] I haven't done for ten years not my fault the guy can't get over a bad performance from the Bush era
[00:23:30] But Bush was still in office. It's like how did you manage to work in George W Bush?
[00:23:36] It did this defensive yourself. Oh, that's so good. Sorry. I'm texting the fucking
[00:23:46] Okay, so the six of sounds like let me see your cock. Yeah, I'm like come on dude. We'll do whatever
[00:23:56] Just if not through Texan and when I'm there
[00:24:02] I'll tell your fucking good guy. I know that everyone says that about you. I'll take your word
[00:24:09] Yeah, you won't feel comfortable there. I've yeah
[00:24:13] Fucking comedy you've never been in a cool. I did that show
[00:24:17] What was the show they used to do there Adam gets his drinks and Jim Bury? That's where he goes
[00:24:26] I would no joke a part of the children's place
[00:24:29] Drink cocktails in a ball pit dude when I was working in the mall one time
[00:24:34] There's a children's place it was a two-level mall and like you did like it was a walkway
[00:24:38] so you could like see down to the level of the mall from walkway and
[00:24:43] My boss at the kiosk like points over and he's like what the fuck is this dude doing?
[00:24:48] And there's just this like like this day labor guy
[00:24:51] He's got a like a VHS camcorder just pointed at the children
[00:25:25] Obducting one of those children and having sex right it's just casing the joint
[00:25:32] Scouting yeah, he's like where are the emergency exits
[00:25:36] How is it how much more they little one?
[00:25:39] I wonder what little one with the we need a food firm. He's like hey, we have the same clothes
[00:25:47] Yeah, he's confused about she thinks children's place where you buy children to fuck
[00:25:53] Yeah, I like one of the children in your place, please
[00:25:59] Yeah, I would love a ball pit though it must be I've been I bet you think anyone's I mean
[00:26:05] I'm sure someone has fucked in a ball pit, but yeah for sure. I'm pretty fun
[00:26:08] I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was like at the bottom of one and I was trying to swim up to the top
[00:26:14] Swim, you know like get up above the balls and then I was constantly just not able to make sure that was a little kid
[00:26:21] I wake up screaming really you were scared of that with my mom
[00:26:25] Yeah, I said suck on her fucking tits and she's just
[00:26:28] Yeah, nice thing I said I said pee on my dad's I get to fuck out of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah
[00:26:33] Edit some edit a bit shit. Yeah, she's my baby
[00:26:36] You know what what happened to edit this was some fucked up shit, man. It was super fucked up
[00:26:41] Yeah, he got his eyes out at the end. That's fucked. Yeah poor guy poor guy. He didn't know he was gonna fuck his mom. That sucks, dude
[00:26:53] There for a second you okay. Yeah, you cuz you I confuse it for heart pain all the time
[00:26:57] Oh, do you think you're dying? Do you take something for it? You take toms or
[00:27:01] Yeah, what about fish oil is that good for you? I try to eat a lot of fish. Yeah omega-3s are good
[00:27:07] I just bought some fish oil. I bought yeah
[00:27:09] Really I think I don't like about fish oil is always burp it up
[00:27:13] Well, I don't know is it like vitamins whenever I take vitamins the more fish oil fish oil isn't like vitamins because it's not
[00:27:19] You're supplementing, but it's like it's just fat. So your body will absorb it
[00:27:24] I just feel like knee has a caloric content. That's from taking like B vitamins. Yeah
[00:27:29] Yeah, so you piss those out right away so they don't do anything any any water soluble vitamin
[00:27:36] But any water soluble vitamin if you get an excess of your body will just piss it out right away
[00:27:41] That's all you but ones or like there's a toxicity level that you have to keep in mind
[00:27:45] Those are like what a K and I don't know man. I'm trying to hear scientists. No, I just I mean
[00:27:52] I'm probably wrong about that even like I don't really know much about fucking vitamins and shit
[00:27:56] I think it's a crock. I think it's a vitamin's are all bullshit
[00:28:00] I think it is for the most part, but yeah, it doesn't hurt to supplement sure, you know, you're gonna absorb some of it
[00:28:06] Yeah, my body hurts from my extreme day of cycling yesterday. Yeah, you cycle three burros like 20 miles, baby
[00:28:14] And I'm good my butcheese hurt and I hit the gym. I was benching I was doing curls like I said
[00:28:20] I'm gonna have big arms this summer. You're gonna see me out in the fucking beach on Brighton Beach
[00:28:25] Get my foot you want to go what you want to do a six-week arm block sure. Yeah, we'll do it
[00:28:33] I mean stop are just gonna get big arms. I would love that. I would love to get big arms
[00:28:38] You know I've been getting a real real nice pompous you do whatever your curl bullshit
[00:28:41] You're doing and they take a resistance band and you really just fucking wrap it out with the resistance band at the end
[00:28:46] You're real nice pump gun resistance band like the like the little rubber band rubber band
[00:28:51] You just step on it and then you just like a hammer curl grip and you just pull them up and it's more more attention at the top
[00:28:58] Where it's okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I fuck with that
[00:29:00] Yeah, I also I bought home gym equipment
[00:29:03] I bought a little bench that goes under my bed and I can pull it right back right up
[00:29:06] And then I bought those fucking both legs dumbbells so you can adjust the way I might get some resistance bands too
[00:29:11] How much are those expensive they're like a man for fitness not like 300 bucks 300 bucks. Yeah fuck to look fucking good as hell
[00:29:19] Yeah for two what the fuck to look good as hell doesn't matter dude 300. Mm-hmm. I'm toothless
[00:29:26] I'm gonna have a little must have some big arms
[00:29:29] 7700 pounds in one one double that 140 pound weight vest I've always 300 dollars
[00:29:36] 300 weights cost a lot of money very expensive. Yeah, they are and then the post office refuses
[00:29:41] Yeah, yeah, it hasn't arrived by the bench came and I ordered them the same time the weights aren't here
[00:29:45] So yeah, I guess we're fucking USPS guy fuck him. That's his job. Yeah. Yeah, fuck him fuck that
[00:29:53] No, fuck him fuck. I hope he dies bringing the truck
[00:29:57] Yeah, I need those things that I'm gonna curl four times max probably how fucking expensive a letter is and it takes like no effort to
[00:30:06] That's true. That's a good point. Most of the shit is fucking bullshit. Yeah, every once in a while
[00:30:10] You gotta fucking do some both flex shit. Yeah, that ain't my fault
[00:30:13] Yeah, I look fucking shredded this summer right trying to get my nuts sucked out on Brighton like I said
[00:30:23] I'm actually never gonna go there. It's not the worst beach. It's kind of it's kind of what's the one the rockaways
[00:30:27] That's the one I go to yeah, yeah, we should go to the beach where
[00:30:31] Easy titties girls go during the week and see their titties and yeah
[00:30:36] But they're have their titties out not that I'm gonna look at love seeing big titty babes out on the beach having a big summer time
[00:30:42] 100% I would literally do love that. I don't I think it's
[00:30:54] Chase chase chase. It's chaste. I think so. Yeah, it's not just like chastity. No, it's chaste
[00:31:00] I think it's chaste. I knew that from Mormon kids, but you don't say chastity
[00:31:04] Yeah, it's two different words. Yeah, similar. You don't fuck me up like that lambast and lamb based
[00:31:11] Yeah, lamb bastards lamb bastid and lamb based. Yes. Oh lamb based. Yeah. Yeah
[00:31:16] What are you lamb based my cocking butter and suck it? Why don't you?
[00:31:25] About that motherfucker what yeah, that's right. That's right. I don't fuck with the insult. Can you fucking serious?
[00:31:32] Yeah, I don't want to show you come into my house. You better pull your pants down get ready to have your dick
[00:31:37] Pulling dick is out. I'm gonna point at your dick until it comes
[00:31:42] I wish I could come in that kind of a woman pointing at your dick and you know ah
[00:31:49] That's cool. The David boy. What's the fastest way you've come or have come
[00:31:55] Just by accident. Yeah, really what do you mean? Just like sometimes you just slips on a banana peel
[00:32:01] Yeah, sometimes you like just with no friction or oh no no. I mean yeah
[00:32:06] No, I mean I have to have my like dick in a party
[00:32:09] But sometimes you get carried away like early on yeah, oh whoops. Yeah, yeah, I love busting early. Do you?
[00:32:17] Yeah, it's like getting out of school with like
[00:32:19] Yeah, it's a half day baby. All right, you finish yourself off. I'm gonna go have an ice cream cone. Yeah
[00:32:33] Busta it's like I have no in between dude. I either bust immediately which we're really
[00:32:39] Immediately no no like we're talking like one pump no five pumps within five minutes is starting for us. Yes like right at the
[00:32:48] That's that's yeah, that's way too early for me coming early is like within the first 10 minutes
[00:32:54] No, that's or or I'll or I just like can't cut like I have to have my nuts sucked in a specific way and like get beat off
[00:33:02] And I like your hard be can't bust yes either
[00:33:05] I bust so fast or it takes me a while to bust and either way. It's not good. You don't feel good
[00:33:10] Yeah, you know cuz if you bust early you're a fucking bitch and then if you can't bust it's like what the fuck what's going on
[00:33:16] I'm sorry a bitch and you're also better to just not fuck. It's better to live in a world
[00:33:24] I mean honestly yeah kind of yeah, you always get better at lifting weights you get progressively kind of worse at fucking no
[00:33:31] I'm I feel like I better fucking every year really I put any tricks in my bag. Yeah, I was really bad at fucking
[00:33:37] I feel like I was better at fucking when I was like 23. I think I didn't get like confident
[00:33:42] I thought like I think it's it older. I get the less I care
[00:33:45] You know it's like well I want this other person have a good time. It's like no I just want to die
[00:33:51] I don't want to be dead. I don't have to fucking do this anymore. I think until like maybe 27 prison sex
[00:33:57] It's a fuck. Yeah, it's a fucking it's a goddamn fuck prison. Yes, you can't escape it
[00:34:02] It's something you just fucking have to do and everything is wait you pass time in regular prison rape
[00:34:06] It's exactly that's how that's how much of a prison that fucking is that even in prison
[00:34:15] Can't get away from it. Yeah unless you're in solitary. No those guys jack off in there. Yeah
[00:34:21] You have to jack off. That's probably the only reward you have goddamn, but lifting weights
[00:34:26] That's freedom. Maybe you'll be reincarnated as Vienna boys choir just like a high-voiced
[00:34:38] Saudi Arabia might have some shit like that. They feel like they're still cutting people's dicks off to sing good
[00:34:43] Yeah, I think Iran does that Iran's Olympic weightlifting program. They remove the genitals of all the Iran does sex changes like paid for by the government
[00:34:52] Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I think if they find out you're gay
[00:34:56] They the government makes you become a woman Adam Adam is researching how to get a sex change for free
[00:35:09] You guys have been asking for here's Adam's deal corner if you're if you want a sex change just be gay and Iran
[00:35:18] By the way, you look so much better about the mustache, dude. Oh, thank you. You can't you can't pull off a mustache
[00:35:23] Um, yeah, well, I'm going to see my mother tomorrow. He looked you you look you not like it
[00:35:29] She's not like the stash my little brother said he liked my stash my girlfriend likes it
[00:35:33] You're I like your mustache a lot. Thank you. Yeah, it really shit it balances your face out
[00:35:38] Thank you. Thank you. No, man was telling me how attracted he was to you last night. Oh nice. Yeah
[00:35:47] He was like, yeah before I even knew him. I just look at his Facebook pictures
[00:35:55] That's good. Maybe I can fuck Naney in the ass
[00:35:58] He's doing our show next next yeah next month and I don't think he'll cancel
[00:36:03] No, no, he's not a canceled boy. Not like Tim. Do not like Tim Dylan who who had to go
[00:36:08] Trying you flavor of caramel and that's why no he did another show. Yeah, I know but yeah
[00:36:17] Anyway, why are you destroying that can Nick? I'm practicing cutting
[00:36:27] How about like a relationship where the boyfriend helps a girl cut
[00:36:32] That's love dude. Yeah, I don't know why that's so funny to me
[00:36:36] It's like yeah, I'll help you. I'll cut you babe. There's definitely fucking I don't think in high school
[00:36:41] You would do whatever it took oh, yeah, I would have done whatever the fuck it took
[00:36:46] I probably I don't know if I would have killed but I would have been like an accomplice of some crime to fuck in high school
[00:36:50] It sort of makes sense that girl that was like telling her boyfriend to kill himself like in the context of high school
[00:36:56] It's like oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah except like I'm sad sometimes. She's like yeah, you should kill yourself
[00:37:07] Fucking retarded teenagers are like insane do you think I mean he must have gotten some head for for a
[00:37:13] Course you got a head like a couple times. I sure well. Hey, man
[00:37:16] It's like any can you imagine how much more retarded the retarded teenagers are?
[00:37:20] So you think about guys like that that are like 30 and they've been working at the movie theater for 15 years like oh, I don't even
[00:37:30] Shit I was into different types of Oakley sunglasses
[00:37:37] I'm gonna bring back Oakley's behind the neck this summer
[00:37:40] The people used to do that in the Maryland area
[00:37:44] No, I don't know that was like a west coast bro thing where you wear your sunglasses when you're inside behind
[00:37:50] You know what I was really into for a second was where as a little kid I was into all these weird like
[00:37:55] I just wanted to look cool from TV. Uh-huh. So I was into putting your glasses like right
[00:38:01] Right at like your neckline and then also
[00:38:04] Tying a sweat around my waist. Oh, yeah
[00:38:07] You know like that dang it's way around waste. I thought that looked cool. That was a big look like mighty ducks era
[00:38:12] Yeah, exactly Adam. I made a house for you. You can live there and so your little business
[00:38:26] Just the way I want it they cut a hole in a La Croix and then try to drink it
[00:38:29] And they spilled all over his sweater that's
[00:38:34] Over his forever 21 sweater. Mm-hmm. They bought in the girl's section
[00:38:38] He's right off not a single drop on me. I didn't know that they make boys forever
[00:38:42] I didn't either but we went in there just because I needed a sweatshirt because it was cold. Yeah, it was cold
[00:38:50] 10 and 10 p.m. That's where you go to get fucking that's what that's where all the good pussy is dude forever
[00:38:55] 21 go at 10 o'clock at forever 21. Huh that clearance right the late the late. Oh, yeah, yeah
[00:39:01] I meet up with some Chinese girls first year at NYU
[00:39:07] I want you to come over my apartment in Brooklyn
[00:39:15] Don't make plans to be back any time soon
[00:39:18] Damn dude, I got some chicken thighs waiting for me at home. I'm a meal prep guy now
[00:39:28] But I'm marinating to I'm marinating everything I'm gonna juice
[00:39:34] Unbone of course. I'm a blended up a nice little
[00:39:39] Sauce for salmon and asparagus. What do we got? You know, but you just you blend ginger garlic cloves
[00:39:45] You have a two like that is nice two or three garlic cloves a couple of slices of ginger a quarter of a lemon
[00:39:51] Don't just squeeze lemon juice in there. You gotta put the lemon actually the whole thing to rhyme
[00:39:55] No, not the rhyme you peel that part off, but you quarter the lemon. I love that quarter
[00:40:00] It's a little more buy a couple of dollops of honey some oregano soy sauce. No, no soy sauce at all
[00:40:05] I don't I think a little bit of honey. I don't want to overstep my bound
[00:40:08] But I think a little soy sauce might do the part. Well, I gotta do how do you do salmon?
[00:40:12] What do you broil it you broil of course always bro some course no, we've had the four on the podcast. Yes
[00:40:21] I make I make the perfect. I know I I broil it
[00:40:25] I broil it on low on the low setting on the broiler for maybe about 30 minutes just to cook a really
[00:40:31] Yeah, blast the fuck out of it. No, I do at the end. I do like five minutes at the end on high to get the top crispy
[00:40:36] Okay, respect. Yeah. Yeah, I just know you're a mean I make much better salmon than you
[00:40:42] Yeah, you go skin down on the pan you cook it most of the way through you flip it for five seconds you serve it
[00:40:49] That's it fuck up and fried salmon. You're talking about that's trashy. It's not trash. That's how white trash fucking makes him
[00:40:56] No, that's how Alton Brown the best chef all brown can suck my fucking
[00:41:00] Brown the fucking bitch did and he ever comes on the show all come. Yep. I'll fucking slice his ass
[00:41:05] No, I don't like you talking about all that way. Yeah
[00:41:07] It's like I want to get it. I want to become you think I can have a food network show someday. That'd be cool
[00:41:16] Alexis tried that wasn't he supposed to have a food network show what happened to that?
[00:41:19] You got a I thought you got a development deal. Yeah, maybe for pizza probably
[00:41:24] Yeah, but I don't know what happened with that
[00:41:27] Because that was this was years ago already, but I thought that was because it seemed like that was his whole thing
[00:41:32] So it made sense that that would happen do like pizza tours. He still does pizza tours. Yeah, he still does pizza tours
[00:41:37] But anyway, I want to be I want to be friends with celebrity chefs. How are we gonna do that? You can
[00:41:43] You'd be good at like having one of those travel like eating yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm gonna make my food network debut on my
[00:41:51] Oh, I don't know show a chode on the road
[00:41:57] And I can only eat foods that are wider than they are
[00:42:04] Maybe not I forget who I was talking to one time
[00:42:07] But they're like yo my buddy met him in real life and he's actually a lot fatter than he looks
[00:42:14] Pretty fat on TV. I told you I told you guys how eldest got blocked because he was trolling him on Twitter
[00:42:20] He kept sending DMS and asking what his shit's look
[00:42:25] That's rude and all this do that to a man who looks exactly like
[00:42:29] He looks like a body he's got a better body
[00:42:33] Elder's has a woman's fat a fat woman's body does he's I got a big gym teacher body. Yeah. Oh, yeah, let's be
[00:42:41] But with a very very furry asshole stop if you see my whistle
[00:42:53] What okay guys, so what do you guys think and what are your summer style guides?
[00:42:57] You know what's your summer? I'm gonna have you guns out baby cut all the sleeves off every t-shirt you had
[00:43:03] You go to you go to Kmart you get the most ironic graphic to you can find which by the way, I lost my Chevrolet shirt
[00:43:10] Oh bomber you did and that was that was the funniest one I had yeah
[00:43:14] Just the Chevy just it's all it said but Chevrolet on it
[00:43:19] Putting it on as I left Kmart and then walking around and it would have to dip into like
[00:43:23] Doorways around Manhattan that just giggled to myself
[00:43:28] Just laugh at the idea of wearing a shirt that just says Chevrolet
[00:43:31] I got the Bob Marley one I got the Bob Marley one I got house of cards
[00:43:38] Sleeveless house the card shirt is ideal. Yeah, maybe this is the year I go tank tops
[00:43:43] You know since I will have giant arms and oh well, we're done
[00:43:47] Well, it's not like people can't tell that you're enormously fat. So you might as well go yes
[00:43:52] They can no they can they can tie I hide it really
[00:44:03] Yeah, I do a lot of dazzle others like I draw the eye elsewhere
[00:44:09] I like you know basketball Jersey so like they can see where your breasts fold over your stomach
[00:44:17] That's a good look dude that you know what that might be me this summer boys
[00:44:20] I'm going this summer. I'm going bucket hat a lot of bucket. I love bucket. I'm running those back
[00:44:28] I love those the problem is the problem is I like them very big and I have such a big head
[00:44:33] They got a really big one that it's hard. I got one of my be too big for my head. Can I try to try to?
[00:44:37] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that look and then I'm going a wallet chain
[00:44:43] Nice, hell yeah, is this because the guys on our
[00:44:46] Our slash fashion advice said that you you tried too hard, so now you're trying to
[00:44:51] Now you're trying to go white track. I thought you said it was fortune not really
[00:44:54] I forget what it was but it was one of something like that
[00:44:57] Listen, I'm just trying to curry the favorite of the fortune fashionistas. Yeah people still post on fortune. I think so
[00:45:03] Yeah, it's a little thing really yeah, damn. I thought you was dead. Yeah, it's weird that it still exists. Yeah
[00:45:09] It is damn now that you have read it exactly isn't it just fortune. Yeah, basically except you can't post post child porn on Reddit
[00:45:32] Yeah, was it was it like fortune sort of
[00:45:35] Like a lot of the socialists people now came from something awful and then a lot of the
[00:45:43] I don't know I have no idea I have to make generalization like you know about computers
[00:45:49] I know but I don't know about social groups. I don't get like yeah, I don't know
[00:45:56] They were we don't talk about it. Yeah, well you brought it up. I was I seems like you really want to talk about
[00:46:02] All right, I was contented. I brought up grave digger. That's the only thing I've mentioned the whole show. What about
[00:46:12] Quiet place bad movie you already talked
[00:46:16] There's like sure didn't just say that before the show is there like two episodes ago
[00:46:20] How many lines of dialogue rather in the whole movie?
[00:46:23] Like four that's cool. Yeah, do you see Emily Blunt's tits if you do you see your pussy?
[00:46:29] The baby coming out of it do they pet finish it and they let you masturbate the movie theater
[00:46:35] The Alamo draft house. Yeah, they have no talking, but you can't jack off
[00:46:41] Guess what we finally created a place for tattle tales to feel safe
[00:46:50] That announcement is here to be super obnoxious. Yeah, wait what happens you can't text in there
[00:46:55] You can't do anything. I did one of the fucking waitresses came over and she was like, yeah, I don't text
[00:47:00] It's like oh, you just don't really tip you okay?
[00:47:03] Well, I'm gonna fucking like a police my while you were texting and I had to check my phone and it's like
[00:47:10] It's not going to ruin the movie for anybody
[00:47:13] I completely agree if you think that that's gonna if somebody can
[00:47:17] Ruin the movie you have such a debilitating case of ADHD that you should be shot and killed
[00:47:23] Also, should you put out of your fucking misery if seeing you also hide it a small screen?
[00:47:28] Yeah, you can have it on your fucking lap and put it on low and also is there tables that you could
[00:47:33] Yeah, that's what I was gonna say the seats have tables you can like look at it under the table
[00:47:37] And they're like pretty far apart from yeah the tables have lights on them by the way. Yeah
[00:47:42] Yeah, well, which is more brighter than one cell phone
[00:47:46] But you know what it is the ones people see the cell phone they get jealous. They're like damn
[00:47:49] I want to be on my phone. Yeah, that's true
[00:47:51] Every time I see someone checking their phone. I'm like I want to do that. I went to the draft house
[00:47:56] When I first got movie passes see like like a noon movie
[00:48:00] Uh-huh and they were like just so you know, it's a family viewing and I was like I didn't know what that meant
[00:48:05] And I was like you can bring kids because you can't bring kids otherwise. Yeah, there's uh, there was like
[00:48:10] 15 babies. Oh my god, I Tanya it was me a bunch of moms and
[00:48:15] And it was very annoying. I got a course. They were like crying and stuff. Yeah, of course was down
[00:48:20] They were crying and I didn't really like it on you and then they were they were sucking on a their little banky and you were
[00:48:26] Jealous guy time, you know, yeah, I'm talking about the rock and it's guys only yeah, no family viewings
[00:48:33] No, okay, so this is but who's the movie I don't know guy. Yeah, this is a guy viewing of the movie
[00:48:43] That's pretty good, but it's the same exact movie. Yeah, nice
[00:48:49] At the end she goes to jail for not being a good wife
[00:48:53] Being a bad wife their loving husband who had that woman assaulted
[00:49:01] Jeff motherfucking goly bitch goly. Yeah, I guess it was hopefully this 90s obsession
[00:49:09] Now this is this is what always happens. I feel like when we were kids it was the 80s. Was it?
[00:49:13] Yeah, well still the 80s stranger things. Yeah, maybe right maybe nothing is nothing current
[00:49:19] The only thing that takes place now. That's any good is Bosch
[00:49:23] Bosch. Yeah, I don't know. I just see the advertisement for it all the time and I see it on Amazon
[00:49:30] It is a tool company, but it's some show on Amazon Prime. It's got
[00:49:35] Titus well over or whatever. That sounds like a fake name. No, yeah, I know everything
[00:49:39] It seems like a face show Daniel Titus. No, it's the guy he played he played
[00:49:44] He played he played what's his Cyrus something on deadwood
[00:49:48] He's that guy that comes into the middle of season two on deadwood that fights to the big guy that wants to be swirringed
[00:49:55] Number two. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the guy that is beefed with him and then they have a fight Dan or Dan Dan kills him, right?
[00:50:01] I don't know if he kills him. They have a fight and then they become friends
[00:50:04] No, is that a kiss? I think I have a cool deadwood anyway, which boss
[00:50:09] I have no idea. I just see the advertising all the time. It's like Bosch the new season starting two weeks, you know
[00:50:16] It seems like a fake name for a show. Yeah, I have no idea
[00:50:20] It's like Ray Donovan or any one of those like just serious streaming. Yeah, crime, you know, yeah
[00:50:27] It's probably pretty pretty no one will watch it right exactly people do watch right what the fuck is bloodlines
[00:50:32] I don't know what that is. Is that real? That's a show. Yeah on that
[00:50:36] There's all these there's all these shows like that these serious dramas. Damn. I want the alienist
[00:50:40] That's the new one. You know, that's such a hilarious damages was one
[00:50:45] I watched the first episode of that, but yeah, there's a million shows like that
[00:50:53] Is burn notices is like a campy daytime?
[00:50:57] It's like MacGyver. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah burn notices a fun show. You know, it's good
[00:51:01] Angie Tribeca was funny as shit. What was that? It's like a comedy with uh sexy ass
[00:51:09] She's the main person and it's like I think Steve Carell producers. I think it's fucking good
[00:51:14] It's really well written. It's got a lot of jokes. It's kind of like feels like a Leslie
[00:51:18] Nielsen movie, but uh-huh you like that kind of stuff
[00:51:26] Like very like uh physical. Yeah plus Rashida Jones is hot
[00:51:29] In OJ. It's like very clumsy. How about Rashida her pants? Oh, that's I like that. Yeah, Rashida bones
[00:51:41] Whole dog bones damn someone ate the skele the class skeleton
[00:51:50] That woman that shits out bones. But what she's been shitting in her defense. She was shitting bones even before that
[00:51:57] Oh that they're these weird on their part to yeah. Why this is like just chewing goth
[00:52:06] No, did you guys ever have to dissect owl pellets in school? Yeah
[00:52:12] It's a an owl's vomit. It's an owl's vomit that has mice bones mice bones
[00:52:17] You have to recreate the mouse from the bones. What that's fucked up hair tangled around bones
[00:52:22] I hated every time we had to dissect anything. I didn't
[00:52:25] Fuck it was gross. We only did the owl pellets and I think a frog. Yeah, but you're seven grade
[00:52:30] Actually, you know we did be like a little piglet. I think yeah, that she was fucked. Oh, that's it was you
[00:52:35] No, it wasn't it reminded you of you. It was it was the teacher was like, I want everyone to look at star bros
[00:52:41] This is where we're dissecting there was a fatter kid to me in the class. No, they're watching yes
[00:52:45] There was and there was a girl who looked like a pig. I'm seeing like an upturned nose. She's ugly as fuck
[00:52:50] So it doesn't even make sense. I'm third on the list
[00:52:56] Looks the most like a pig in that class. Thank you very much guys. I still want you to look at star bros
[00:53:03] That was also my sexy ass teacher miswarned her with the big ass titties. Yeah, did you ever dissect her titties? Did you ever dissect her tits?
[00:53:13] I was wondering if we maybe could die sucked your tits
[00:53:16] Go to the office. That's my girl. Georgia. Dude. Georgia Warner. Yeah, she sounds hot. She's still teaching
[00:53:25] I don't know. I lost I lost if you're out there. If you're out there. You try I couldn't find her
[00:53:29] She's probably some married name now. Yeah. Oh, she's married. No, what a bitch
[00:53:34] Yeah, if we could have been like macron. I've been like, yeah, I would have loved that a manual
[00:53:39] Yeah, well, that's my middle name. Did is it after manual? My middle name is danger
[00:53:46] Although like I said, I will change your real game middle name danger, but like my my middle name is dane. Yeah
[00:53:57] Oh, you had stupid ironic Brooklyn parents the name you
[00:54:01] I feel so bad for those kids like walk around bedside and you see like a fucking like
[00:54:06] Nine-year-old on a razor scooter like flipping his head
[00:54:10] T-shirt. Yeah, right. Yeah, man. You were gonna suck you're gonna suck so much. You will never be fucking cool
[00:54:18] You're gonna be the state you're gonna get accused of rape in college
[00:54:21] You know like you're not you're never gonna be a fucking burnout or you will move back in with your stupid fucking tattoo parents
[00:54:29] And no dude. Yeah, some of those kids. I think you're gonna be cool. None of them
[00:54:32] I think the Manhattan kids always look like they're not gonna be cool
[00:54:35] Well Manhattan like city kids just end up like
[00:54:39] Cultured and then like incompetent no they've read every book and they can't screw in a fucking light bulb or yeah
[00:54:46] You know like order their own food. Something can be cool though
[00:54:49] No, a lot of them like the Manhattan kids get fake ideas when they're like 12. Yeah, they like get exposed to shit real
[00:54:56] Yeah, and they and then sometimes you fuck you know, you fuck them by accident sometimes. Yeah, sometimes you can't tell when a girl
[00:55:03] I'm 0 years old. Yeah, this is 30 year old man. You're like I thought she was 16
[00:55:09] Sometimes you're at one of New York's famous 14 and over raves
[00:55:14] You know you assume everyone's around your yeah. Yeah, yeah
[00:55:18] Like our Kelly. It's not my fault. You know the club didn't check ID. It's not my exactly. I'm in a club
[00:55:25] Ooh, I suspect arrested in golden state killer case. There's a golden state killer in ya. Yeah
[00:55:30] Who what do you do? Um, you raped it in murder damn
[00:55:35] The double that's interesting. They usually double double. Yeah, that's that's cool. Maybe they'll figure out who the zodiac is
[00:55:44] It's fucking Ted Cruz the serial murder and rape is
[00:55:53] It's Ted Cruz. You know what I like is jokes that gawker came
[00:55:57] Yeah, who's funny? There's those those goofballs over at Docker media
[00:56:07] They say the politics are so good. There's no way Ted Cruz is gonna get over those. Oh, yeah, how about this?
[00:56:18] Minions are so funny dude. Imagine the minions and Ted Cruz that completely
[00:56:23] The so she's one of the minions he pops up and he's like I can has Ted Cruz
[00:56:30] Uh, that's comedy that is funny that Ted Cruz wrote that thing in time about how cool Donald Trump is
[00:56:37] Donald Trump is just completely fucked that guy in the ass and every
[00:56:48] Yeah, Donald you're a liar. You say something about my wife. You're you're you're really missing your tip
[00:57:00] Donald you can fuck my bitch. I look I forgot
[00:57:03] Maybe you can I forgot about those tweets that he did about Cruz's wife where he's like hey, uh, hey Ted like
[00:57:10] You better be careful. Otherwise. I'm gonna spill the beans on yeah
[00:57:20] God it sucks. He's ruining the world because he's so funny dude. He's wrong. I'm pro Trump. I'm gonna vote for
[00:57:26] Ronald how about that? Oh, yeah, well, I mean Sean drum vaginal vaginal
[00:57:34] No, and we're Donald. Isn't that what we decided
[00:57:36] We call him we're Donald yeah, the inward what was the other thing we did at the live show and sync but
[00:57:49] I fucking people on instagram say my speakers are gonna fall off those mounts bitch
[00:57:53] I know what the fuck I'm doing. They're not gonna fall off the fucking mounts. Nice dude
[00:57:57] Don't ever question my fucking way. Why do they know what's gonna happen now?
[00:58:00] I don't know what the fuck they're talking. It was gonna happen now that you're yelling about this you're gonna get less dms
[00:58:14] And if you're oh, those are gonna fall down suck my fucking dick. Yeah, tell them that's get him queen
[00:58:21] Yes, I think they'll be responding to Tom. Yes, Tom go off
[00:58:25] He just like if you check his replies there's not a single sincere reply
[00:58:38] He thinks they're fans. I guess some guy d and me a thing where he was like Tom
[00:58:41] I listen to this around my kid and in there. He was just and he was like yeah. Well my comedy is not appropriate
[00:58:48] screenshot of the parental advisory logo
[00:58:55] Yeah, he does the whole in that on that news interview
[00:58:57] I guess if no one has ever been honest with you your entire career in comedy
[00:59:02] Yeah, even the dumbest stupidest open mike or trolls, Tom dude. That's how what's crazy about him
[00:59:08] Yeah, it's so funny too because it's like
[00:59:11] How do you know you're not that? Yeah, right? You could ever know yeah, well you can never know people with
[00:59:16] That's no. No. No people with an ounce of self-awareness are at least afraid that that's them right
[00:59:22] They don't know if that's them, but they're afraid it's them. Tom has absolutely no fear that he could potentially be bad
[00:59:28] Bro, it's gonna have a video of him on the local news where yeah
[00:59:33] Your comedy's got you in trouble like before. Why do you keep doing it? He's like, uh?
[00:59:36] Well, it's really no different than a firefighter going into a burning
[00:59:39] Uh police officer running to the scene of a crime. Yeah, because I guess my job. Are you fucking kidding me?
[00:59:53] Yes, yeah, it's so good it closes for throw first. Well, it's my job and you know he's practiced clear
[00:59:58] No different than it's my job. It's no different than he emailed them that question
[01:00:04] No different than a firefighter going into a burning building or
[01:00:08] Police officer running to the scene of a crime
[01:00:12] The key yeah, so you're saying that the fact that you're putting on a comedy show is a horrific tragedy
[01:00:21] It's some sort of massacre that's happening and you're there to sort of mitigate the damage
[01:00:27] We gotta find a way to finesse him into doing the show on sunday
[01:00:31] It's no different than a firefighter going into a burning building really Tom. It's no different
[01:00:37] No difference there is zero difference between the two of those things
[01:00:40] It's just this pressing of a thing that you going on stage and making fun of Paul Revere
[01:00:45] Is as important as putting a fire out. It's killing people. That's the same thing
[01:00:52] There's no difference at all between there's no difference. It's not even a metaphor. It's just they're the same thing
[01:01:07] I mean Tom. It's also it's not your job. Yeah, you call little
[01:01:12] Your job is to announce little league games
[01:01:16] Well, he works at seven seven. No, he doesn't want to reach the Mexican. What's it there? Yeah, we're
[01:01:29] So different than a waiter spitting in a bucket onion right?
[01:01:36] Salute to the king. Uh, what how much do we have to pay him to do our show?
[01:01:40] I don't do it. That's a five thousand dollars. I think it's worth it, bro. If we offered him five thousand dollars
[01:01:46] I think it's worth it. Take it out of page. I'm already spending that money
[01:01:50] Then what we got to do is a podcast is Tom Myers and Uve ball. Yes, we have them both on but we're not even on
[01:02:03] Oh my god, it's like a sociological experiment. Yeah, I'm gonna email Uve and tell them I'll just pay whatever
[01:02:10] The fucking he wants. What do you mean if he wants the thirteen hundred dollars?
[01:02:14] I mean, or why don't we just go to Vancouver? Let me see
[01:02:17] Seattle and do a show. Yeah, let's do it fucking near Vana style. Yeah, that that's so much
[01:02:23] That's a better use of our money. Yeah, fuck it. Little trip to vanky. Yeah, we'll be
[01:02:27] So Vancouver. Yeah, dude. They got that uh cougars. They got that BC cronda British Columbia
[01:02:41] Fuck me up dude. I got harboring now. Yeah, I'm gonna get it. That's art, huh? That's pretty good. It is good
[01:02:47] I mean, I do think that like a sensitive
[01:02:51] Sort of documentary done about Tom. Yeah would be incredible dude a documentary
[01:02:57] That's just about Tom Myers and Mike diesel would be great. Oh my I tell you
[01:03:01] I am so grateful that I started comedy in DC when I did because there were so many unique
[01:03:06] 100 fucked up people. Yeah. Yeah, they were doing comedy there that like
[01:03:11] I've never experienced elsewhere. Yeah, you know other people from you know what it was is because it was prior to the comedy boom
[01:03:19] It was yeah, it was you don't remember because you weren't
[01:03:23] Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're right. It was
[01:03:25] 2005 2006 stand up stand up comedy was a weird thing from like the 1980s
[01:03:30] I was like, not something that a lot of people were doing. There were no podcasts, right? It was not a thing that people got into
[01:03:37] The entire scene was like me and then like white guys in their late 20s and like comedy and probably had autism
[01:03:43] And that's like what comedy was yeah, and uh, and you know before like everybody yeah, you and those guys
[01:03:54] And and uh, I remember like distinctly like you know people started showing up like years later
[01:04:00] I was like how did you get in comedy like oh no?
[01:04:02] I was listening a lot of podcasts after college and I thought maybe this looks fun
[01:04:05] I'll try it whereas like you're right no no no no no no that it was like oh, it's the only thing I've ever wanted
[01:04:09] You're absolutely correct all the people in comedy were obsessed with comedy and they just wanted to stand up comedy
[01:04:14] Yeah, um, so that's where you got all those mentally ill people because they were obsessed with comedy
[01:04:19] They wanted to do comedy, but they were bad at it right, you know, and that's where you know the times or whatever they
[01:04:25] You saw a lot of mentally ill people. Yeah, I mean I am yeah, we all are
[01:04:29] No, I mean, but not that like bad mentally ill
[01:04:32] Yeah, I'm good mentally ill. Yeah. No, I'm a kind of we're all bad man
[01:04:37] Because I did it long enough to you know, no you had a skill for it. Well, who cares?
[01:04:42] You know, I'm saying if someone did like that's not true. I don't have any skill at that in fact. I've never tried
[01:04:49] Oh, he's tried it if Werner if we could get
[01:04:55] If we could get Werner Herzog to go to Baltimore now what we need to do is get oovable and pretend he's run a hers
[01:05:03] That's what we need to do which was already my plan, but you kind of just ruined it by saying
[01:05:07] I don't want to let that out of the bag. That would have been good. Yeah, he would have been so mad at that
[01:05:12] Yeah, if we recall them. Oh, I don't know. I don't know anything about it. Well, I don't know what he would get
[01:05:17] He seems like he spends a lot of time man. It's like, uh, do you know that scene in grizzly bed where he listens to the guy?
[01:05:23] Yeah, it's like you must never play this for anybody
[01:05:26] We should edit that but he's listening to the body
[01:05:32] You must never you must never listen. I'll tell you what as soon as I publish this within five minutes
[01:05:41] Check out the shame. Yeah, Shane go go go make that. Yeah
[01:05:46] Yeah, but don't you write would she have a bong hit transplant
[01:05:59] So look to the king. Yeah, hopefully we see tom on our trip to both. I do think he is a fasted
[01:06:05] He's a fascinating character. I was hilarious
[01:06:08] It's like what what mode was funny shit too. Yeah, but all those guys tea bread pretending to be in ireland. Yeah, remember that shit
[01:06:15] He faked a trip to i he was like guys gonna be going to ireland
[01:06:26] He was just like in his house in our frittown
[01:06:32] I know that guy that got me too that is on instagram. Dave chauffeur. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, we haven't even talked
[01:06:38] You know, it's going to be how we haven't talked about it. I can't come. I got a flat tire. Uh, well those uh, those tires are good for uh, 60
[01:06:45] Mosh, but are you with me? Like, okay, let me put it this way. I'm blowing off your show
[01:06:52] Sending his little ass dick. Oh, man. We gotta have stern mare. Damn. Actually, maybe in boltamor the live show. We'll uncle dave get uncle dave
[01:07:04] Fuck man. What a beautiful place. Yeah, and even the people there. Oh, man. Yeah, I love boltamor. Fuck. They were so stupid
[01:07:12] I love tommy tommy cimbozo just a fucking magician
[01:07:16] Look in motherfucker. He grows mushrooms now. Oh asking old ladies asking old or maybe he doesn't
[01:07:23] Legally, uh just asking old ladies if they shave their pussy. That was actually funny though. Time. Yeah
[01:07:32] I love that place. I do think that like
[01:07:38] We don't talk about tom because it's just me and we talk about him because it is he's kind of amazing
[01:07:42] He's incredible. I think about him so much dude. I do too my little brother
[01:07:46] I mean literally we've talked about going to his but like there's no comedian my brother
[01:07:52] Want to see more like I remember when I first started doing open mics then they're like i'm doing a show
[01:08:02] It was always the funniest fucking thing in the world was in tommy's on a show
[01:08:06] That time at ej's landing. He's gonna be sick talking shit about the orials
[01:08:10] Yeah, two people just happen to leave and he's like oh they can't handle it
[01:08:21] I mean that show the he didn't comedy show and the hamilton arts collective is still the best show i've ever seen in my entire life
[01:08:29] Nothing will be funnier than watching an hour of tommyers started joke and then fucking tony gracick going
[01:08:36] Tommyers Tommyers Tommyers and making people chant his name before he can say the punchline
[01:08:43] And he says the punchline to just chance of his name being like yeah
[01:08:53] Please tom if you're listening. We want to go on the road with you. We will pay you so well
[01:09:07] Vancouver, Seattle. All right. Well, we're out of time
[01:09:11] So anyway the show come to the fucking show on the sixth, please and thanks for coming to funny moms on monday
[01:09:17] It was a great one great show and we'll be back. I think the 13th