Cum Town | Regular | 05/03/2018
[00:00:00] Well, it suns out guns out weather. Are we start? Yeah, we're starting. I'm on a tight schedule
[00:00:07] I got to go to the bookstore and buy QuickBooks online for for dummy for no
[00:00:13] For dumbass is for faggots for people quick books online for people with downs and
[00:00:19] Like that's actually just the three three times
[00:00:25] Excuse me. We're the book series books for people with severe mental disabilities
[00:00:32] I'm looking for a Shakespeare for people with fetal alcohol. I'm looking for a chicken soup for the retard soul
[00:00:41] That's just regular chicken soup. Yeah, I think so right got him. Yeah
[00:00:46] I love soup. Are they still making those books?
[00:00:49] I did dummies bucks. Yeah, of course. Not the dummies ones the chicken soup ones. Oh, but is that poetry?
[00:00:57] It's like supposed to make you feel nice or something
[00:01:00] It's supposed to make I was in the bathroom, but I I make quick books for guys with little-ass dicks
[00:01:05] Oh, that's true. They need a fucking bitch ass motherfuckers. It doesn't fit the theme representation matter to forget
[00:01:11] They're real pains in life quick books for those guys. I mean you're eating yourself to dance
[00:01:16] I don't think I don't think I'm the one with not very weak. No, I have I haven't you lifestyle, man
[00:01:22] Yeah, and look I'm fat cuz my mom loved me even though I was fat and yours you work out because your mom hated you when you were fat
[00:01:35] We're calling me fat this weekend. Yeah, they said your face is fat now. Yeah. Yeah, you're like you have cancer
[00:01:47] Therapy yeah, I'm supposed to compete with that. Yeah, he did and then there was like
[00:02:12] That's pretty funny a cancer patient telling you your fat
[00:02:19] He's got cancer of the heart the heart cancer in the cock yeah
[00:02:25] Now I'm excited to go to the bookstore your little tutorial book you ever pick one of those up you think you're gonna teach yourself
[00:02:30] I love it. It's a new beginning. I remember like filming through like a fur dummy's book. Yeah, I remember something
[00:02:35] I'm just one for like Java like ten years ago. I'm like I'm an orange. Oh, yeah, and
[00:02:40] I didn't and I left the library, but it is fun to imagine yourself as a guy that learns things
[00:02:46] Yeah, yeah, I was too indignant cuz it always said for idiots. Yeah, I heard my feelings like what yeah
[00:02:54] Mm-hmm. I'll fucking I don't need a guy. You know what I'll figure gardening out myself. Yeah, and then you didn't and I never do
[00:03:00] Yeah, I would love to grow tomatoes. How nice with that
[00:03:03] But you grow a little tomato pick it out of your garden eat that shit in a sec. I love it
[00:03:06] It's very nice. Wouldn't that be great fresh produce straight from the mm-hmm. I had a pair today
[00:03:12] I did I love Paris. Are you a pair guy? I love them. What's a spring?
[00:03:17] Very specific a very specific texture. I like a firm and cool. No boo firm
[00:03:23] I like saw I like fruit cold. I'm with you. I don't think it's a hot take bro
[00:03:28] I had a fucking orange cold apple. I had an orange that popped in the damn freezer
[00:03:32] It's like a little popsicle dude. I'm also big on fucking frozen motherfucking grapes
[00:03:36] Yeah, you're fucked with those. Those are definitely little popsicles. Mm-hmm now what I did have sex
[00:03:42] I took a after I'd sex in that I took the grapes before you freeze them. No, no, no taking a orange make them damn
[00:03:49] Incredible big dickery. This is there and be like a great razor blade. I would be skin off damn
[00:03:55] Yeah, I would do that. I would respect that a little freezer treat go bad in there because I appreciate my craft
[00:04:04] Yeah, I've been getting into the grapefruit trick. Oh, yeah, yeah, but it's been clementines for me
[00:04:13] I was gonna say I had a talking about the dummy sing I had an idea when I do like an off-Broadway play
[00:04:21] And it's a movie where it's a play where everyone is retarded
[00:04:34] Guy he's actually he's an early typical that's smarter so technically smarter than everyone else in the land of retail
[00:04:41] They're like George. Did you kill all those puppies and he's like?
[00:04:44] Oh, yes, but I found a more efficient way to make the tractor run
[00:04:51] Wait, he sounds also retarded. Well, he's he's not
[00:04:56] Yes, I does that thing you were for autistic
[00:04:59] It's not the new word. It's what it's neuro a typical. No, it is the new word. I saw him pitchfork
[00:05:09] What kind of bitch ass foods eat? Yeah, he puts that's
[00:05:12] It's just moji mooboo cookbook. It's a fork with then. It's just a fork going into Adam's ass. Yeah, that's the bitch fork
[00:05:24] So we listen to make American and it again, I'm so jealous. Yeah, I wasn't you can listen to it anytime
[00:05:31] It's about the experience. It really needs like a deep read it needs to be
[00:05:35] I'm a writer review of the album. I tried to do I would try to get us to do that
[00:05:41] Last one remember. Yeah, there's like legal problems like we're probably stealing his content. Yeah, it's also I
[00:05:47] Guess at this point I've blown up Tom's spot. Yeah
[00:05:51] That it's like all right. It's too late now. I might as well talk about him
[00:06:02] You have to unpack every joke so you got to pause it every every
[00:06:07] Every single thing he says it opens up with a low haver to grace which is a random
[00:06:14] Nobody knows what that is that is a random city in Maryland. Not city
[00:06:18] That is a town with a population of probably like seven thousand. Yeah, they're layers. They're downtown
[00:06:24] Yeah, you know the Bel Air Maryland. It's just a place the only thing I know about have her to grace is that that's the place where they
[00:06:30] Bottle Pepsi products nice. That was this thing. Okay. Well, then I think about it was like a piece of
[00:06:36] Everything like wow, that's all the Pepsi is bottled in Maryland, but it's probably done regionally anyway, sure
[00:06:43] But I remember thinking that was like like cool, you know, there used to be a horrible show that in some roundabout way
[00:06:49] That made me famous because I lived in the same state
[00:06:54] They bottle Pepsi and you couldn't even use that unless you were out of state by the way, right?
[00:06:58] I was like pencil bane to be like yeah, by the way, I'm from Maryland Pepsi ring a bell
[00:07:09] By the way where you lived was two and a half hours probably yeah opposite side of the state
[00:07:14] Yeah, anyways, hello haver to grace. Yeah, hello haver to grace
[00:07:20] And then have her disgrace it uses that it goes into a bit about
[00:07:24] After hello, however, to grace about how he's old now. He's 35. He's not old. That's not an old age
[00:07:36] Way longer at the urinal because he pisses his pants he was trying to go into like my body's getting worse bit
[00:07:43] But it was just a it was just like oh no you try to say cuz it comes because of age
[00:07:47] But it's no, it's just because you have a horrible body you don't know how to defecate and urinate your pants
[00:07:53] Don't know how to just wag your dick. Yeah after pissing. He's like I gotta wait for all the triples
[00:07:58] And four-year-old knows how to do yeah, you heard that
[00:08:07] Yeah, and then he says you know, he's like shit's himself. That's also a problem
[00:08:12] He says awesome. Yeah, if you don't like that stuff buckle up
[00:08:15] As if he's he's on the you're on the highway to the dangers
[00:08:19] Yeah, it's just a quick reminder zero difference between that and a firefighter running
[00:08:32] And he's his own boss, you know, that's the good part. Yeah, and then here let me pull up the track listing now because there's
[00:08:43] I'm so fun. I think was one of them. Oh, yeah
[00:08:47] And he couldn't eat the references are also incredible
[00:08:55] 1993 to 2003 fuck yeah, dude, and he can I wonder what Thomas listens to like what do you think he just kicks back kind of music
[00:09:02] Whatever music fucking Bill Hicks mentioned so it's like you know, he probably listens to hand ricks
[00:09:09] Or you know like the role you know the rolling stones man now there's a band
[00:09:22] All 90s, so yeah, that's really I doubt it. I think I'm right in the things that I think he puts that on what you're talking about is correct
[00:09:30] He definitely he's a classic rock for sure
[00:09:32] But do you think he likes yeah, he probably is he's a bit called life hacks on the album and there's not a single
[00:09:41] Yeah, that Christmas that Christmas thread was insane. Yeah, whoo he was talking about how people fuck on the tree
[00:09:49] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. He does a lot they always send him out there. Yeah, he's he's he's he's makes a point of mentioning his booking agent several times
[00:10:28] He talks a lot about his girlfriend. Oh really that is real
[00:10:32] He's never and and about girl his ex girlfriend who he's like yeah, but my well chick foot
[00:10:39] Yeah, yeah chick fillet has got a new holiday. They're starting. It's called cow day cow appreciation
[00:10:46] Which is a ex-girlfriend's birthday. Yeah, she's celebrated on October 4th
[00:10:51] Because that's my ex-girlfriend's birthday
[00:11:00] No the most insane bit on the because there's there's moments in there where like the joke structure makes sense
[00:11:06] You know, yeah, and so it's not that the problem isn't that Tom doesn't know how to write jokes
[00:11:10] You know it's how to write jokes the problem is that Tom can't discern
[00:11:13] Which of his thoughts are jokes and which are the ones of his like cognitive failure to process reality?
[00:11:24] That he thinks things and sometimes they're jokes and he writes them down and sometimes it's just absolute nonsense
[00:11:30] Oh man, I think that's what makes it great are a bit on the album where he he's he's talking about
[00:11:44] You know, I I guarantee you Donald was thinking as at the moment a conception
[00:11:49] Oh, geez, I don't know if this is gonna kill me implication being that you know Donald Trump's so old that he might have a heart attack
[00:11:57] To create a kid not the regular fucking he's doing now ten years later
[00:12:02] We're hearing about news all the time anyways, so then he goes into the bid more and he's saying he's like, you know
[00:12:10] Part of me doesn't even believe that Melania and Donald like Donald fucks Melania
[00:12:18] Those rings that they have that spies would wear that have poison inside of them
[00:12:23] I bet Melania has one of those rings, but it's just filled with Donald Trump sperm and at the moment a conception
[00:12:29] She popped it open and was like gold. Oh
[00:12:32] Cuz Tom thinks you eat come to get pregnant but also everything about that
[00:12:38] Donald Trump's fucking her and then his cum goes into the ring
[00:12:42] So he can't come in her and then she eats the cum
[00:12:46] But then she still had the kid anyway, how did she get the cum in the first place also the spy ring?
[00:12:51] Yeah, it's like an idea that an eight-year-old comes up with
[00:12:57] Yeah, and then he keeps going on the Baron thread he says that
[00:13:02] Baron's gonna be the first kid to jack off to internet porn on in the White House
[00:13:09] But for legal reasons I should say that Donald's probably gonna be getting impeached before that and it's like what laws
[00:13:16] What laws are you breaking like what is his daughter?
[00:13:19] Is Donald Trump gonna sue you do you have to correct it by saying that he's probably gonna get impeached?
[00:13:26] It's all that you you misinterpreted the wording what he said was
[00:13:31] Yeah, but I'm pretty sure Donald is gonna get impeached by then for legal reasons
[00:13:35] Which means he doesn't like he meant like Donald Trump is going to be kicked out of office
[00:13:40] Not for fucking his own son right right or allowing a son to jerk. Oh, yeah
[00:13:45] Well when he says for legal reasons he meant that Donald Trump will be acting legally
[00:13:51] When he is impeached. Oh, I which is not how impeachment works
[00:13:54] It's he that's that's it's a failure of him to he somehow found a way to say for legal reasons and
[00:14:02] Mean the wrong thing. Oh, I thought what he was saying was that his words are such
[00:14:06] Weapons so dangerous that Donald Trump will hear make America and Nate again and then file suit
[00:14:14] Yeah, I mean just that going back to the title of the album
[00:14:28] Do you know what an eight means and I'll post the definition and be like of course
[00:14:31] I know what it means and it still doesn't make any sense
[00:14:33] It has nothing to do with the album. So it's like he he and wait and it doesn't make sense as a sentence. Yeah
[00:14:39] No, yeah, he rules. Yeah, he rocks man make America and Nate to what?
[00:14:45] Again brother. Yeah, come on. Keep up like it used to be
[00:14:51] It's a man but yeah, and then the obviously the weirdest part was that by track six he started using an Irish accent
[00:14:59] Incredible he also another thing I do love about the Donald Trump stuff as soon as he brings up Trump
[00:15:04] He's like Donald Trump is blah blah blah blah
[00:15:07] Kind of makes me think about how George W. Bush
[00:15:11] He has to go back to 2003 it's no matter what he can't at one point
[00:15:15] He just he describes people having sex and he's like makes you wonder if they just
[00:15:20] You know, we're like Philip Seymour Hoffman and whoever the bitch was in
[00:15:24] In the before the devil knows devil. What the movie yeah, he's describing what is just a like probably could not be any more of like
[00:15:35] Generic yes, just a regular sex. It's just from a movie fucking. Yeah, and it could not be anymore plainly that
[00:15:42] Yeah, you could pick any sex scene from any movie ever and he uses specifically that sex scene from before the devil knows you're dead
[00:15:56] Because I worked a blockbuster at the time that's the only bad movie. It's yeah, it's not bad
[00:16:01] But it's bizarre that he would choose that yeah, man Tommy
[00:16:04] I wish I was there for that one yeah, and then it starts at a certain point like halfway through that politics
[00:16:09] But he's like and then Martin O'Malley ran and then you know
[00:16:13] We wondered why he was running and he didn't do anything for the Democratic Party
[00:16:17] And he just has like this Irish inflection probably because he said O'Malley because in his no it happens
[00:16:22] No, it's before that for a mallet and then it just eventually morphed into this like I mean
[00:16:27] It's just a full-blown Irish accent that just slowly happens
[00:16:32] It makes him know it says he's probably confused too
[00:16:37] He's got he skits a friend the interaction with the crowd is also amazing because they're giving him laughs at the beginning
[00:16:44] You know and then like they're listening to an hour of Tom. I so like halfway through you can tell that they've just been like
[00:16:59] That doesn't get out what point he says something about he's like yeah, it almost makes me want a fucker like describing some woman and some guy goes really
[00:17:14] I think it was a really enjoyable listen. Yeah, I'm gonna give it a fucking world
[00:17:22] And fun. Yeah, it's better than most comedy specials. Just like
[00:17:27] Doesn't mean it's better guys go out and buy make America and eat again by the CD
[00:17:34] Yeah, yeah my CDs out. It's on Apple music for free. Oh, this is okay. Yeah, he's on Spotify
[00:17:40] Well, he'll get paid like one cent right yeah now. I'm looking at his other album pitchforks torches and other random thoughts
[00:17:46] That's the one we were at right. Oh is it I think so. Yeah, I guess I guess yeah
[00:17:51] He's a bit that just says called Maryland
[00:18:02] If a regular cut pulls you over you write you take it that tickets like what 125 up to 200 bucks now for a ticket
[00:18:09] I love it. You go ahead and you get the speed camera citations in the mail. What's the fine 40 bucks?
[00:18:14] I love it man. I get getting one of those speed camera citations in the mail. It's like getting it's like getting pulled over by Sam's Club
[00:18:37] And case you didn't get that he went ahead and nailed the point like
[00:18:47] You know I think my favorite part about that Tom on his show is being there at the recording was Tom's fans
[00:18:53] Because he does have fans really no, but there's people to come to see specifically Tom
[00:18:58] There's some big fat guy there. He was just wide. He had long hair and he was the widest. Oh, yeah
[00:19:03] He was sitting right up front. Yeah, that we use wearing the witches. Yeah
[00:19:12] But he was just so wide. Yeah, it was hard to explain his like shoulders are probably like four and a half feet long
[00:19:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah on either side. He was a very large man. Yeah, I know you mean yeah
[00:19:22] Fuck dude. I love that night series. He's one of the best nights of my life
[00:19:27] Eldace my little brother. We all filed in
[00:19:30] Mm-hmm. We listen to it sometimes you can hear us like you can hear I feel like I heckled him a nice amount
[00:19:39] Bit where he says his parents have a grave grave. That's wild shit, man
[00:19:43] I want to go ahead and thank you guys for coming out on a Tuesday night
[00:19:53] To go ahead and attend this this CD recording
[00:19:56] So I'm greatly appreciative of that. I'm also doing this for
[00:20:02] For my parents. They're a big part of my life. They couldn't they couldn't be here tonight because you know
[00:20:16] Carry a smartphone around now, it's which is great. It's got their picture on them
[00:20:22] So I actually I finally got this I finally caved and got a smartphone
[00:20:26] So I'm being I've been dragged kicking and screaming into the year 2007
[00:20:46] For some reason like this is supposed to be one of the most technologically advanced things like we have the internet
[00:20:51] Get on our phones now. We can connect to any single bit of information
[00:20:54] We want we go ahead and watch entire television shows on our phone
[00:20:58] Like yes, they're even as they're being aired on regular television live
[00:21:03] Can we come up with a GPS that doesn't sound like an eight-year-old reading something like
[00:21:13] You had 95 south and turn on to exit 77
[00:21:37] This just goes on like that for 45 minutes
[00:21:40] No, which is it is fascinating because on the new CD make America and eight again
[00:21:45] Yes, he has a GPS voice bit and he said that I mean all of his I mean I've known Tom 13 years
[00:21:53] Yeah, it's been an insanely long time and every one of his albums Maryland drivers the same exact
[00:22:02] Something about commuting in the DC Maryland
[00:22:06] Area I just big thing used to be like they got these signs that say speed monitored by aircraft
[00:22:14] Yeah, yeah, I remember that bit that just makes me imagine
[00:22:17] I'll be driving on the street then suddenly an F 14 will swoop down and it's like what I mean, okay?
[00:22:26] Who did he want to have as the GPS voice in the last city said I saw an article that said Morgan Freeman
[00:22:34] It's gonna be the voices the GP do a voice of the GPS
[00:22:42] I heard that Morgan Freeman's gonna be sponsoring a beeper company
[00:22:47] Yeah, geez, I wonder how that'll work. Hey everybody. It's me Morgan Freeman who wants a beeper
[00:22:54] Wait, what was the voice he wanted to want to Samuel Jackson to be the
[00:22:58] Oh, yes, that's right. He's like I'm tired of these motherfucking cars on this motherfucking road
[00:23:24] That's what that's what no whatever whatever as a group
[00:23:29] Look, yeah, listen Tom. Whatever it's gonna take we gotta get anyone here
[00:23:34] Yeah, I guess he turned on Legion of Skanks Diddy he was gonna do it. He was gonna do it Lewis or be he was good
[00:23:39] Yeah, him and Lewis or beefing which is such a funny those two animals do why the type
[00:23:45] Two intellectual giant. Yeah, yeah, that's like Chomsky and
[00:23:50] It's the Buckley the other gay guy debate
[00:23:57] When he called him a crypto nazi and he said he called them a queer got that way
[00:24:03] Yeah, I'd have sake in your cocksock. These are all references that Tom will make on his
[00:24:12] He was there he had another really good 90s reference which was something about it
[00:24:21] It's hair areas like yeah, it looks like Jenny McCarthy's underwear. Oh, yeah. Yeah from single that yeah
[00:24:29] Yeah, you know, I like a girl like a real rachel Welch
[00:24:33] You know that's the thing I'm into his real Tara Lipinski
[00:24:48] Yeah, this girl walks in just looks just like Alicia Silver
[00:24:57] Love that motherfucker dude damn so he was gonna do Legion of Skanks he's gonna do Legion of Skanks
[00:25:01] Bank faster is like Lewis was like dude
[00:25:04] We cannot be on the week after our skanks fast and then Tom's like yeah, I might be able to make it up there
[00:25:10] Pending acceptance like wink wink. So he will only do Legion of Skanks if he gets booked for skank fast
[00:25:16] Well, they should book him. I know that's what I said and why not well Lewis was like it's not just me dude
[00:25:21] I got partners incredible. We shut the fuck up. I'm costume. Yeah. Yeah also like
[00:25:27] Book of it would be incredible. Yeah, you need to book Tom
[00:25:32] How the fuck like I can't believe Tom doesn't realize he's basically getting tricked
[00:25:37] In the world of irony like this is Tom's moment. Oh, yeah, Tom could be making so much fucking money
[00:25:44] I know Tom could be a celebrity if he wanted no it is great like anti-com
[00:25:48] Thomas has tired a lu Thomas. I merge Thomas Thomas. I'm a
[00:25:56] So Lewis has too much fucking like pride pride
[00:26:03] The integrity of stank skanks, I guess he's just got like a limited number of spots or whatever give him our spot
[00:26:10] Yeah, yeah, I mean I'd be down for that we could cancel given Martha. Yeah, he's $300
[00:26:17] That's come down is us watching Tom do an hour. Holy fuck. Yeah
[00:26:24] I it's I still didn't get a bit on their recesses parents have because I remember that I remember at the show
[00:26:30] He told a bizarre bit about probably edited it out
[00:26:34] I don't think he did because I remember what it being is that like he's like yeah, I thought my parents were gonna
[00:26:42] Instead maybe he goes into that afterwards. Yeah, well
[00:26:45] He's I can said they got me a plot right next to their graves
[00:26:49] And it was the most in like the the energy in the way that could be worse is if his plot was in between theirs
[00:27:06] That was a fucking bizarre that was bizarre bit when he just fucking it was like so it was the most powerful thing
[00:27:13] He'd ever said in his life and he got the most genuine incredible reaction from the crowd
[00:27:17] Yeah, and it was just like there's no way he ended up. Yeah, I thought I had
[00:27:21] He no no, he definitely did not he left when I dropped a glass into the recording. Oh, do you remember that?
[00:27:28] He just that's in there. So that's remember Mike Turpin stamping his feet. Yeah. Yeah, I thought that was gonna just
[00:27:34] Everything I remember thinking that was I kind of too far. Yeah
[00:27:48] And that's how you get this Sean Bollands the end like
[00:28:18] On the left the most recent one he's like yeah, my parents don't really like to talk about my comedy or listen to me talk about it
[00:28:25] They really come out and to see shows so I guess they had some kind of talk where they were like Tom you're 35 years old
[00:28:33] Please just at least try to be the manager of the 7-eleven
[00:28:38] Stop taking orders from from a 23 year old Bangladesh
[00:28:44] It's time to give up your comedy dreams Ron Bender doesn't have legs
[00:29:04] I think we're getting to the grave I think so
[00:29:08] By any means of the word I mean they appreciate what I'm they appreciate what I'm doing
[00:29:13] I call the sacrifices that I make to go ahead and be able to do and have a good time doing it and
[00:29:21] So I'll sit down with them at dinner and we'll go ahead and talk and you know
[00:29:25] I'll go ahead and say to my parents. You know I listen
[00:29:27] I love when you support me. I love when you come out and you know
[00:29:30] You don't you don't have to think I'm the funniest person in the world and also just like he's unless it's clear
[00:29:41] Mean that couldn't be more obvious when we sit down at dinner together. You still have family dinners
[00:29:55] You know they both just looked at me and went we don't
[00:30:03] Thanks mom and dad I was both of them both almost
[00:30:14] Now like I said I just turned 30 and my parents decided to go ahead and take me out to
[00:30:19] They decided to go ahead and take me out to dinner
[00:30:24] It was after the dinner my father decided to show me this
[00:30:27] Gift he had gotten for me. It was like this is you're gonna. Thank me. This will be a long
[00:30:31] This will be a long this will be a good investment for me and you'll really appreciate this so
[00:30:36] I'm like, okay, well, you know, we've all got to get in the car and go see it
[00:30:39] So I'll be all all in the car. We're driving driving. I know this we're driving a while
[00:30:44] We go ahead and we pull into a cemetery
[00:30:48] Like I've remember going to the cemetery before we went ahead and pull up to this little plot and
[00:30:54] We all got out. We're looking or I'm just sort of looking around where where we going and
[00:31:00] And my dad stops and says alright here you go
[00:31:04] I'm looking around a little bit dark. I don't see anything like what so gets out of flashlight and
[00:31:11] Shines it and I suddenly remembered where I was
[00:31:16] I've been to the cemetery plot many times before so my dad's grandparents are there my dad's parents are there
[00:31:23] He's got his he's he's gonna be buried there. He's got a tombstone set up. It's got his name
[00:31:31] Right in front of that it was a tombstone my name
[00:31:39] My date of birth and that nice big empty space
[00:32:16] Honestly though he said that nice blank space that was like that's powerful
[00:32:20] Yeah, that's him that had some that had some legs and I think he thought the punchline strong enough to counter all that
[00:32:29] What he didn't ask for GPS he just thought one that doesn't have a kid's voice to be a great callback to his killer GPS
[00:32:38] Bro, I remember feeling fucked up after listening. Yeah, well I was trash. I was like, oh I died probably made that up
[00:32:45] Yeah, yeah, I didn't think it was real it was real. I didn't yeah
[00:32:51] What if Tom's trying to tell us that he's a ghost and that he's dead. Yeah, that's not what Tom's trying to tell me
[00:32:58] No, I think it'd be great if his dad just like son. I got you a present and just killed him and buried him in the cemetery
[00:33:13] Wonder what his parents are like, you know because I've based on his descriptions are obviously like
[00:33:19] Upset yeah, they just fucking normal parents have a fucked up like a dumbass game
[00:33:25] Didn't do what they wanted it all because people are usually like their parents
[00:33:28] I mean like I can't imagine that his dad's not like a fucking train enthusiast or some bullshit. I mean
[00:33:34] His parents are probably dorks. Yeah, yeah with a dork kid, right and you know, they love him
[00:33:40] They do love him. Of course. They I mean they let him say at the house. They haven't kicked him out right
[00:33:45] Yeah, they got him a plot next they actually do love to probably love him too much. They adore him. Yeah, yeah
[00:33:53] It is like it's sort of like do you remember in like when you learn about that myth of the guy with the boulder?
[00:33:58] Sisyphus. It's like that's that's who Thomas like every joke is just he's trying to get to the top
[00:34:05] No, man. He's just and then it just falls back down. This was constantly getting rolled over downhill in eternity
[00:34:11] Yeah, there's no going back up. He's constantly getting crushed by the point is to get to the top of the hill and then he
[00:34:19] Right like if sisyphus was like I'm gonna be a professional rock pusher up a hill guy
[00:34:24] And then he didn't even find a rock. It was just a giant turd
[00:34:36] One time in the mid 2000s the turd nudges him into the studios of 98 rock
[00:34:45] That's the the peak for him. God damn he goes back down the hill. Yeah. Oh god. Anyways, it's break time
[00:34:52] Jesus you a great time means it's time to talk about underwear folks. Hell yeah
[00:34:57] What are you wearing right now? Throw them out. We got a brand new underwear company here for you
[00:35:02] Mac welding it's an online company. You know what that means. You got a website where you go. Oh fuck
[00:35:07] Yes for some simple easy shopping. I've done it myself. They gave me a little little discount of Rudy Dunie to be
[00:35:16] Nice sure. Yeah, I feel like they can't even bring out the veins in your car
[00:35:20] It's like yeah, it's a good balance in between like, you know
[00:35:23] Because you know you get like pee stains in your underwear. Yeah when you turn 30
[00:35:29] Because you can't you can't shake everyone. Yeah, so the blue covers that up real nice and shit. Yeah, and shit
[00:35:36] Yeah, that's true, but it's not so dark that you just see calm everywhere. I got black underwear and you know what that's come city
[00:35:44] Uh-huh some town some might say yeah some might say that
[00:35:49] Yeah, and they got a line of silver shirts and underwear that are naturally antimicrobial gets the stink out folks
[00:35:55] It sucks all the stink right out of those clothes
[00:35:58] Not only will mac weld be the most comfortable socks shirts underwear and t-shirts and underwear and shirts and whatever
[00:36:04] Uh, you'll ever wear uh, they look good and they were they perform well too. So yeah, you can wear them out casual date
[00:36:12] You know little casual sex man casual sex
[00:36:23] You know try check them out right through the fucking slot. They want you to be happy not just comfortable
[00:36:28] So if you don't like your first pair you can return them no questions ask
[00:36:32] And or no, you don't return them. You just complain about them. Yeah, if you're reading fun
[00:36:37] The itch so go to macwolden.com use promo code COMTOWN CUMTO. WN to get 20 off check them out
[00:36:46] Uh gambling men these daily ed dude folks
[00:36:52] There's a lot of stuff to talk about before we mentioned that part of the what you've been doing lately
[00:36:58] Bet dsi is the website specifically we should yes, we should say the you should the way
[00:37:04] Place i'm gambling wait until I say the name before you go into your sports picks
[00:37:11] We got picks me and saw yeah, you'll say you'll say the fucking picks and then we'll just no actually
[00:37:16] Yes, I'll say you know how is my pick you for being off the show in the next
[00:37:21] I give it over under atoms on the next show 0.5 bet the under folks. Yeah, well
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[00:37:52] Live in game wagering to make plays throughout the entire game and events and this makes watching sports events way more fun
[00:37:59] It is more fun. So here we go. Go ahead with your playoff, baby. Take the fuck it look game three take the pelicans at home
[00:38:05] They're not they're gonna get gentlemen swept. They're gonna take one line. I don't know. I don't know thine is because they take you a line on there
[00:38:11] They take it they're gonna be dogs take the pelicans. I take the pelias
[00:38:14] They play smoothie king center and smoothie king center, baby. Yeah, um and then for a stadium in america
[00:38:21] And then fuck who else uh the calves i think the calves are gonna win a game or two raptors
[00:38:25] I get to you're gonna win. Yeah, I take rafting into it. I think take the calves in the in the series
[00:38:31] Skip Bayless america is number one sports expert says the calves are gonna sweep
[00:38:35] So you should probably just listen to him anyway bet use bet dsi. What's the what we got?
[00:38:41] They should do nick. Oh kentucky derby. Oh kentucky at all. I would all put it all on uh, uh, she's gonna get raped
[00:38:48] She's uh, wasn't there a horse they stay alive. Yeah, she's got a blog
[00:38:53] Yeah, she's probably uh, shouldn't you be wearing gloves doctor? That's a good one. Yeah
[00:39:03] All the way from uh Lancaster p.a. Beautiful
[00:39:06] Those are our pigs really good. Don't you dare be
[00:39:14] Yeah, that's a it's a strong horse very strong horse
[00:39:18] Strong as it does which way to run. Yeah, you have to finally escape backwards
[00:39:25] It also gets dragged out of a carrot these
[00:39:35] Oh boy get to an erase. Yeah, they got a tape. It's huge
[00:39:39] Calk to that's too much drag because it's a horse and
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[00:40:19] If it's if the bet is and we're back and shut up and we're back
[00:40:22] I'm just saying if the bet is if the bet is and we're back and shut the fuck up
[00:40:28] And we're back and we're back. We're back. I'm just saying
[00:40:37] Yeah, dude. That's it for taking a break
[00:40:55] Uh, give it up for me was that it was at the end? Yeah, that's how he ended the what is that?
[00:41:01] Kansas. No, this is a different tom iris. It has music
[00:41:04] He has dust in the wind playing this is
[00:41:20] But I do las vegas a lot and they always people often ask me where I get my sense of humor
[00:41:26] So I grew up in harford county. It's a you know a lot of audiences
[00:41:30] Whether that comedy shows they're always worried about comedians and entertainers going up in trump bashing
[00:41:35] Which is why you know, I'm gonna try and uh say something
[00:41:39] But a lot of people asked me how I got started doing comedy
[00:41:43] I love studying history, but uh before but uh
[00:41:56] I am happy to be back here on though Maryland's my home state. This is my hometown
[00:42:03] This is an a soundboard. This is just how all is track starts every single trombone, but uh
[00:42:11] Anyway, yeah, I do want to hear an interesting job because I think that's about 7-11
[00:42:15] All right, let's do it. A lot of people asked me how I got started doing comedy
[00:42:24] I actually had an opportunity to go do something where I had the potential anyway to go do something where I could make a lot
[00:42:31] More money than what I'm doing right now
[00:42:34] Uh held a lot of uh, yeah, that's uh to be a famous movie star
[00:42:42] If comedy didn't work out he was gonna do famous movie star or international playboy
[00:42:49] These were other careers he considered that he could have easily achieved
[00:42:53] What was Adam? What was the thing you said about?
[00:42:56] Oh, dude, that was the best part. He's like, that's the best. Yeah, I gotta get my haircut
[00:43:00] Uh, because uh, but I don't want to get it cut too short though because people are gonna start thinking I look like Ellen DeGeneres
[00:43:07] And he is a bald man. He's bald. You have a chairman now
[00:43:17] Like Ellen DeGeneres got those beautiful twinkly blue eyes right and that cute pixie cut. Yeah. Yeah, that's that
[00:43:25] I think might be my favorite show. That's that's the one we left and I guess she's sort of she's trying to mock Ellen
[00:43:31] Is she the butt of that? No, it's because everybody does that joke about it got my hair cut
[00:43:36] Look at the lesbian. Yeah, which works if you have like boyish features. Yeah, I I have like a I get lesbian haircuts all the time
[00:43:44] I got a very katie legs sort of looking
[00:43:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you shave your pussy too. No does katie laying shaver pussy?
[00:43:51] Candy legs got a hat one. I wouldn't yeah, you do it wouldn't your pussy is the first of all I thought I'm in between your bowls
[00:43:58] First of all, I could tie my dick around your dick mother
[00:44:06] I'm gonna tie it around your dick and cut off the circulation. I'm gonna tie a big fat bowline
[00:44:13] Not a rock your cock of my cock. Yeah, and choke your little do not do not cock the do not fucking do
[00:44:23] Like a fucking antichrist. Yeah eating a pig
[00:44:27] Yes, that's right. My dick is a pig. Yeah, well mine's a little winky shit
[00:44:32] Hey, you scale it down the regular dick size is the pigs terror. No the pig is not the one you want pigs big
[00:44:38] Imagine a little pigs. It's a really big big one. It's one of those big boar Christmas ornament. I went to it
[00:44:48] No, it is not it's not a big big big big big big big big big big big
[00:44:57] I went to a big farm once and they were really big and that's the size is a hog the boy pig
[00:45:03] I don't know. All right. What's a woman pig then?
[00:45:05] Oh, it's out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, y'all y'all don't know animals
[00:45:10] I didn't spend time on the farm like you dude y'all ain't done. No name
[00:45:15] I'm done known all day animal you ever see fucking you're gonna like ag fair and see how fucking big pigs are in real life
[00:45:20] Oh, yeah, they're here and they're hairier than you think yeah, they're way hairier. Yeah, they look like
[00:45:30] That video that news reporter holding that chicken that starts flapping its wings. Oh my god
[00:45:47] Yeah, I'm happy to be back in Maryland though, Maryland from where where were you?
[00:45:53] You know they the casino boss. I'm just come to the show, baby. Please. Please do do
[00:46:04] I gotta start listening to the polita pod. He has a podcast. Yeah. Yeah, the polita pod
[00:46:10] What? Yeah, I haven't listened to it yet. I know
[00:46:18] That he posted a poll on twitter yesterday's like yeah, who did a better job
[00:46:25] Eviscerating Sarah Huckabee Sanders Michelle wolf with the White House correspondent center or me Tom Myers
[00:46:38] The polls saying we could have been a job for me
[00:46:40] He does have a Sarah Huckabee Sanders chunks that is um, yeah, and then and then somebody responded like uh, well
[00:46:48] That's not a fair conspiracy because Michelle wolf is a comedian
[00:46:52] Tom the guys avatars just an up close picture of his eye and Tom responds
[00:46:58] Yeah, nice avatar. I just ran into your twin and he posts the CBS logo
[00:47:11] Another thing I love it. It reminds me that I don't know if you've seen that vine but that like nerd in the computer room
[00:47:17] Oh, yeah, I love that volume. Yeah, he turns around. He's like, you know what? I'm gonna say it. They're like say it's just say it
[00:47:24] I don't care that you broke your elbow. Oh, no
[00:47:30] Kid I don't care that you broke your uh, you know what else Tom does that I think is great. He calls people gomer
[00:47:35] Yeah, which is like I don't even know what that it's like
[00:47:38] Louis j gomer gomer gomer. Yeah, dude. He fucking uh, he's like he's going at it with louis
[00:47:44] He like retweeted where louis was like uh the illustrator for our festival had to drop out last minute and tom like gleefully retweet
[00:47:55] Damn, he should he shouldn't fucking book him anyway. Yeah
[00:47:58] Yeah, louis, please do it anyway tom. I heard
[00:48:10] From that that girl with the saw in that video
[00:48:18] That's that's the greatest video of all time. I just can't stop looking at his hairline. Yeah, it looks like a love seat
[00:48:31] That was it he's gotten so much like a big restaurant boost. I love the artwork to the
[00:48:37] He makes the word america in red white and blue. Oh, yeah, he used like um like clip our powerpoint
[00:48:44] Yeah, no, I think it's probably from word from word. It's like that shit that yeah where you can like do it great
[00:48:52] Dude, I used to think that she was awesome
[00:48:54] Yeah, it's the first time you do bubble letters for reports and stuff. Yeah
[00:48:58] I used to go off the type my title pages used to look beautiful, dude
[00:49:02] We just take pride in my cover pages. Yeah, I mean
[00:49:06] What was the what's the thing in school? You were the most proud of doing ever Nick?
[00:49:09] Do you have one assignment? You're like, you know what I did it. No never you never never won no
[00:49:15] She was always like was there ever a teacher that ever connected to you
[00:49:19] I got along with teachers. I think for the most part. Yeah, because I mean I knew I wasn't stupid
[00:49:24] Right, right. I wasn't gonna do any work
[00:49:26] They probably were like amused by you because they knew who you were
[00:49:28] Teachers know a funny kid that doesn't give a fuck like a smart. You just just
[00:49:33] Not gonna do shit. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't really ever call it too much trouble
[00:49:37] Right. You probably understood how to stand on the radar
[00:49:45] Under the Gator having a six you can have sex on the dl
[00:50:04] Yeah, it would cut down if you're a dick with my son. Have you seen Sebastian? Oh, no
[00:50:20] That seagulls like holding like a fucking giant double-sided dildo. He's like this is a comb for your hair
[00:50:25] Where'd you get that? I don't know that glob that queer lobster gave it to me. Look at this stuff
[00:50:35] She's got a collection of dildos on the dl on the dl
[00:50:49] Bada bada bada suck my dick. Yeah, that's a fun bit. What were you about to say Adam about school or something shit?
[00:50:56] Uh, I don't remember I cut we cut you off with under the dl. No, it's better than whatever
[00:51:03] No, go ahead say something. I'll find the way to suck some life out of it. Whatever boring thing you have to say
[00:51:08] I say I say some more things all the time. Yeah, go ahead
[00:51:12] I'm feeling I'm feeling deja vu. I feel like we've had this exact
[00:51:15] Me me asking you to suck no no suck a dick out of me. He says interesting things all the time
[00:51:21] Oh, oh, yeah, I do all the time name one. Yeah, you're constantly telling me that's interesting you repeat
[00:51:29] That's one of the things you say most to me actually when I say that's interesting what it means is I didn't listen to a word
[00:51:38] Well, if he's saying that to you all the time, that's not my fault
[00:51:43] Better folks. We're gonna take a minute to talk about checks mix
[00:51:48] and the money that the checks mix corporation is raising for
[00:51:59] A lot of people don't know this but some babies are born with huge sweet double d titties
[00:52:04] Well, that may be good even because it hurts the moms pussy more
[00:52:14] The problem is is some of those big sweet cans
[00:52:17] They all tobered up. Mm-hmm. That's why you got to do a breast checks with those little kids
[00:52:23] That's where checks mix comes in folks. Yep. Jex came with you come with checks checks quest
[00:52:29] It was a doom clone. Oh, they came in seerom really really yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did it play metal in the background?
[00:52:36] No, it wasn't like doom. Oh, that'd be that rural. Yeah, dude. That's a sweet soundtrack. Yeah, it's all like it was like royalty free
[00:52:43] Yeah, when I worked at a motion show we had to like pull music from like the viacom royalty free music library
[00:52:49] You could just put in like any song and it would spit out like a
[00:52:53] Fake version of it that sort of sounds yeah, you know like it, but it's different enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
[00:53:00] That's awesome. We should get that we should
[00:53:02] This cbs or viacom music library. Yeah, stop trying to put me on fire
[00:53:07] Light your ass up. You a fucking pyro dog. I love you fucking pyro fucking lighter tricks and shit
[00:53:17] I wasn't you definitely were no you weren't no not at all
[00:53:21] You broke stuff though. Yeah, I mean everybody breaks that's throwing a glass throwing a beer bottle up against the wall
[00:53:28] That's fucking rules. It's awesome. I would do that right now. Yeah, I love breaking shit. Fuck
[00:53:33] Can I can I break some stuff at your side?
[00:53:37] I did I did love that when I was like in like sixth grade
[00:53:40] You take like cardboard boxes or whatever you throw them up and then you just cut them in half with the kitchen knives
[00:53:45] Yeah, that was that was always cool. I want a sharp ass stabbing the fruit in the house
[00:53:50] My mom was like what the fuck happened to the bananas?
[00:53:52] Were you were you a cut-co guy cut-co? Did you know people that were cut-co?
[00:54:00] That was a hustle. I know I knew a couple of quick star guys too. What's that?
[00:54:04] Their friend Antron is like describing it to me one time. He's a black robot. Yeah, well, he's like
[00:54:10] Yeah, he's like yeah, he's like basically I'm uh independent business
[00:54:16] Which is what like that fucking they tell you yeah cut kids use
[00:54:19] No, that's what they call it independent business owner with quick stars quick stars am way
[00:54:23] Same thing. So what they do is you set you up like an independent business
[00:54:28] And it used to be that online retail was banned because it breaks the pyramid scheme
[00:54:33] Uh, but then you have a company and you have to get people like buy shit out of this fucking catalog
[00:54:41] They're shitty products and you have to like buy their shitty products
[00:54:48] Honestly, that shit is so fucking depressing
[00:54:50] Like anytime I was like really desperate for work and I would go on craigslist and I would find like sales positions
[00:54:56] And I would go to the interview and it was always like a scam
[00:55:00] And the people that were there like taking notes. It's like oh fuck. Oh when you see the person's like
[00:55:06] Uh, can I go oh so the extra class is 300 dollars?
[00:55:09] Tutoring can I just go back and um cash in my mother's life insurance?
[00:55:14] I'm just really excited to work on a team
[00:55:16] Yeah, yeah, I'm just gonna get the feelings in my mouth taken out and melted down into gold
[00:55:20] I went I went to this one interview one time. They like like you get there and it's all people dressed like they're going to
[00:55:25] Trathic court, you know, it's like I was also a loser
[00:55:31] The worst position to be in is being like a fucking loser and like still feeling entitled to not being a loser
[00:55:37] I feel like I'm better than this, but i'm not really yeah, you're not but you should be you
[00:55:40] Have the you have you understand that you have the capability you're smart enough to yeah
[00:55:44] Yeah, but you're not which makes you worse actually right like it makes you a big your batter. It makes you sadder for sure
[00:55:53] Yeah, and like you know the guy brings me to his office
[00:55:57] And he's like just got this map. It's like it's a fake office
[00:56:00] I mean they couldn't have been renting this space more than like a month or whatever. Yes, some shooting office space and there's like
[00:56:07] Just on the wall like a map with all these pins all over it. He's like, uh, just let you know
[00:56:11] These are all of our locations. It's like locations of what I still don't know
[00:56:15] He's like we're a multi-level marketing company and it's like okay
[00:56:18] But what is the actual work and I kept asking him and he would never tell me what the job
[00:56:23] Was like he was like well the job isn't started first
[00:56:26] We send you out with uh with one of our pros right so you can get a sense of like how one of those guys works
[00:56:35] You know he's like learning from him getting experience. It's like
[00:56:42] And then eventually like I fucking like getting blood from a stone. It's trying to sell coupon book store to door
[00:56:52] And it's like man. Damn. Do you remember in school when they make you a god and sell magazines for where that money go
[00:57:02] Yeah, they went to Israel. You saw yeah, you were raising money for Israel
[00:57:05] I was in public school before you were IDF. I never was in that. Yeah, but that's that's how they get you
[00:57:10] You were you were the bottom of the you your job is to surface to
[00:57:14] The idea you were the fluffer the cowards the professional cowards. Which profession like I'm too scared to
[00:57:21] I only have nine guns in that child. He has pebble
[00:57:25] I need my penis. So if I add them before we go to war
[00:57:38] It's a fucking steel reinforced bulletproof
[00:57:41] bulldozer with a 40 millimeter cannon sticking out of the front versus a kid with a talk a truck
[00:57:56] Um, it's a tragedy that I chocolate bars to remember that was the real hustle. Yeah, where that money go
[00:58:01] No, you go to school read that book the chocolate wars
[00:58:05] No, it's like a young adult novel sounds
[00:58:08] Yeah, I'm listening. Yeah, see now who says interesting
[00:58:13] That was I remember reading it as like a like a tween or whatever. Yeah a twink. Yeah a twink
[00:58:26] Yeah, there's just like one part where the second second
[00:58:28] Somebody's calling this guy's house and the phone just keeps ringing and I remember thinking like what in the answering machine pickup
[00:58:37] And now it's like no one has a house phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean like if you're
[00:58:42] Anybody calls me. It's like what the fuck are you doing? Yeah?
[00:58:46] I'll say I like a calm a nice. I like to go. I do not I prefer text. Yeah. Yeah, yeah
[00:58:51] Yeah, because you can just it takes longer. It's a communique. I tell listen
[00:58:54] I talk for a living. I get enough of it out of this fucking podcast. I go back in the complete silence. You're like a monk
[00:59:03] Talking on the phone is more efficient. We love doing a lot of things in your mouth. Mm-hmm. So I can put dick
[00:59:11] Pussy really I think that you tried to do that bit the opposite way. No, I know
[00:59:35] Fucking girls, I mean guys guys I mean guys I'm gay
[00:59:42] Damn, you know what I hope I find on my way my journeys throughout Brooklyn now that it's beautiful spring. What's that Nicholas?
[00:59:48] Little chain link fence with some honey suckles on it. Oh, I go full retard on that smell it
[00:59:53] Just have a nice now you suck you eat the honey you fucking idiot
[00:59:57] Oh, I don't know exactly. You know what a honey suckle is you don't little white flowers or a little white flowers
[01:00:01] But you pinch the bottom you pull the stem out and it's so pulled over the nectar out of the flower
[01:00:07] Yeah, you get a little taste of honey. Oh, I love that shit. You didn't know that no
[01:00:10] That was like my favorite thing to do as a kid. No kid. Yeah, you never had a honey suckle of my life
[01:00:14] These to grow on fences shit fuck. Yeah, dude. Yeah, oh, man
[01:00:18] You just go find the honey suckle and there was never honey
[01:00:20] There was always these bullshit apple crab apples
[01:00:22] I remember you can't eat those and I try grandma's place had a crab apple tree in front of the house
[01:00:27] And and yeah, you put it in your mouth one time. They're terrible. You just use them to throw cars. Yeah, of course
[01:00:32] Yeah, they make good throwing implements. Yeah
[01:00:35] So my car's so much, you know the ugly kids in your school. Oh, yeah, do you remember throwing rocks at people?
[01:00:43] Mrs. Stevenson's almost her crab apple at me. Well, you're ugly Brian. He's sexy as shit
[01:00:49] That's what they do. They throw crab apples at ugly kids. That's just way the world works
[01:00:55] I um, you don't like it. Maybe you shouldn't be so ugly
[01:00:59] Maybe you shouldn't be such an ugly little boy
[01:01:01] I had a what the teacher the teacher's assistant at my school was like this old greek bitch
[01:01:07] Who's just so fucking mean and like what would say shit like that?
[01:01:12] Like shit about like uh that you're ugly and so call me fat and shit like
[01:01:17] You know, that's not nice. No, but I think she was it is true. I think she was like uh, she's not wrong
[01:01:23] Uh, she is wrong. I think she was like uh fascist like no joke because everyone in greece
[01:01:29] I was certain generation like a right wing was either communist or fascist. Yeah, I think she was on that
[01:01:33] Oh, whoa on that fashy side. That's cool. Yeah, that made her cool. Does she dress cool?
[01:01:38] She was in all black. Yeah, she's goth. She's goth. Yeah every every greek every greek
[01:01:44] Uh like later. Yeah, every way that dresses in all black so they're all goth. Yeah, they all lit as soon as they're their husbands
[01:01:55] I was uh singing that evanescence song like but gibberish style in china town to my girlfriend
[01:02:00] And she got really upset thinking that I was doing fake chinese. Oh, she got she got fat
[01:02:05] Who am I girl from ealy? Uh from evanescence? Yeah, I just looked around
[01:02:09] Let me just see because I couldn't remember she was hot or not. She was hot. What's she you know, who else?
[01:02:13] I can't remember if she wasn't hot. No, she wasn't hot dude, and then she's a
[01:02:20] She's a big old. Oh, the big girl. I'm in
[01:02:23] Yeah, I'll smash I'll smash her. Yeah, look at you. Look at you look at you look like dude
[01:02:33] Now it's jona hill. What is this 21 jump street that movie is so fucking funny the first one's really good the first one
[01:02:39] Yeah, I haven't seen a la dude. I want to I want to be in I want to be in we're trying to book a show
[01:02:45] I um you're trying you're gonna make your own moves. I'll go. I'll go my my goal right now is to make sell this hg tv show
[01:02:58] We're gonna put another glory hole right here
[01:03:00] How you doing? We got we got a great plan for you here today. We're putting glory holes
[01:03:12] Um fine. I'll fuck it. I guess I'll have to take a solo trip to la
[01:03:15] Be a penthouse dude. I'll go back out to la
[01:03:18] You know, it's the time was to go. We just like a little earlier. I know got the malibu a nice day on the beach
[01:03:23] Yeah, go to that fucking uh seafood put just seafood place. I would love to do that
[01:03:27] That place that little bar outside right off the pca stuff. Let's all right. Here's my dude
[01:03:32] Yeah, yeah, we find the fucking Baltimore shit. It's like right by zooma zooma beach. Book all this shit
[01:03:37] We fucking promote it do eastern shore marlotte eastern shore marlotte. Well, we we should just do a show in secrets
[01:03:43] And so if you auto bar we should spend a day just eating crabs for sure
[01:03:47] Yeah, why don't we before the day after instead of auto bar? Why don't we just book a show in secrets? Yeah, and we just do comfests and then like
[01:03:55] Everyone's shit. I would do it. Have you been to secrets? Yeah. Yeah, it's got sand on the ground. We literally
[01:04:04] Ocean City marlotte comfests and cmd baby
[01:04:07] We get all our fans to come to oc that weekend is fights hookups drama
[01:04:12] Ukrainian teenagers start sucking to get the fuck out. Yeah. Yeah, you know, that's a tagline
[01:04:18] I went to I went to ocean city once with my ex girlfriend who was korean and all of her choice high school friends
[01:04:36] All of her high school friends were like criminals who like brought guns and stuff
[01:04:41] And uh one of her friends got drunk on the beach and like told this dad
[01:04:45] I mean in front of his family in front of his like two little kids and wife
[01:04:51] And he like kept using the n-word. He's like i'm gonna end your life and he like was the guy black pulled out
[01:04:56] No, it was like a middle-aged white guy and he's like and for no reason the gun
[01:05:01] Oh, he was aged. He was an Asian guy. Oh, what? Yeah, it was all Asian people that used the n-word and had guns towards white
[01:05:08] That's a towards white people to use it threateningly
[01:05:11] I feel like Asians aren't allowed to use it negatively. They can use it
[01:05:16] Out of love. Oh, yeah. Yeah friends. Yeah, y'all we got to get out here. We got to shoot these Asians
[01:05:23] You gotta kill them. Well, it's just interesting how
[01:05:27] Yeah, I the first time I ever met those guys and there was just a room full of Asian people and everyone was using the n-word
[01:05:35] As I said or something it's like what the fuck is going on. Those are all Tom iris's friends
[01:05:47] They love his shit. They think he's the funniest guy of all time. Yeah, you one of the only white
[01:05:58] We got a we got a we can't we can't just end the show with
[01:06:03] Bill Cosby. Oh, there's Kanye thinks fucking hilarious. It's great. It's wild, brother
[01:06:08] It's even better R Kelly. It's uh, because I don't know why that's been for a while shut up
[01:06:12] I don't know why people are mad at R Kelly, but it's made me listen to his music. I can tell you that
[01:06:16] I think he's like a rapist. I saw a thing that said that you you can't if you listen to R Kelly
[01:06:21] You're hurting black woman and it's like if it's that easy
[01:06:29] Some good jams to be always doing just put on our
[01:06:32] Makes to from the comfort of my own home and I can hurt every black woman in the world
[01:06:36] I don't even anything wrong with black with no problems with black women
[01:06:39] But if I have that let me get that easy
[01:06:41] If it's that if I can do that much damage well do spider-man with great power comes great
[01:06:48] How about with great irresponsibility comes great power
[01:06:51] So true, so if you just you know you drink and dry that's that's power. That is power
[01:06:56] That is very responsible. You don't think so why don't you put your fucking four-year-old in the middle of the sidewalk
[01:07:02] Go ahead. You know you don't think I'm powerful
[01:07:10] I'll show you power. Mm-hmm. You know and that's that's a little what I like to call a life lesson corner
[01:07:18] I get that lesson. You guys watch Avengers. I watched a black you say people say these things
[01:07:24] They're like oh the Avengers is coming out didn't that come out 15 years ago do new ones. Oh, they do new. It was good
[01:07:32] But even those names sound like they came out like sounds like the last one they all have the same names
[01:07:38] I watched one of the Avengers all Captain America forever winter comes out next week
[01:07:43] Yeah, it seems like they already did that one
[01:07:47] Spider-man Spider-man homecoming was the last one I watched that this weekend, but it was charming
[01:07:54] And it was great. I'm like that Andrew Garfield. No. No, it's a new guy. It's a boy. The boy is good
[01:07:59] The boy is great. Yeah, boy is great. Yeah, and Marissa Tomay is on man
[01:08:04] Sexy on me is something I was not prepared Marissa Tomay was the first girl I ever wanted to fuck
[01:08:10] I didn't know what fucking was but I wanted to just hurt like me
[01:08:14] Is that the girl in uh before the devil knows your dad? No, it's my cousin Vinny
[01:08:17] No, I know who Marissa Tomay is but is she playing? Oh, yeah, the phillips he more half. Yeah
[01:08:22] Yeah, it's a tome sex. Is that what he said?
[01:08:24] Text Tomires. Text Tom. Let me look up the cat
[01:08:28] I think it is her that's Sydney Lumet's last movie. It's Sydney Portiades last movie
[01:08:38] I know. Dude in the wrestler before the devil knows your dad. How about that?
[01:08:49] Can you imagine? You try to go down on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah
[01:08:52] The rich that good Adam you never could
[01:08:55] No, yeah, dude. Well, I'm gonna get a super cut together of all my great ideas. Yeah
[01:09:00] Oh, that would be awesome. Please honestly, someone please do that
[01:09:05] String Adams best moments on the podcast need to say that
[01:09:10] And you know what it's you know, the reason why is because
[01:09:13] Oh, how about doing a little watch through of the getaway with Alec Baldwin who's in that Kim Basinger?
[01:09:22] Damn that was at their at their height. That was a sexy ass couple. Yeah, he looked good 1994
[01:09:28] Damn, dude. He used to be like good as hell. Yeah, the shadow. Yeah, I remember though
[01:09:34] Was that Billy Zane the Sun is shining? No, it's all about it was like a superhero movie
[01:09:39] It was a radio play before they came now as a pulp fiction comic books the radio play sure but
[01:09:47] Why is it why are we doing shut up again?
[01:09:50] Because I'm saying I'm describing something and you throw in these tidbits
[01:09:54] I'll fucking did you wait until I finish speaking
[01:10:00] To whatever I got bite his titty. Oh, I'm gonna do I'm gonna use the leftover dick
[01:10:04] I have from tying off stavarice no tie off your no
[01:10:18] Invoises the time both of your dicks off
[01:10:24] You guys flying like heights in a tornado as I salute standing proudly on the ground
[01:10:33] Tether to my cock have you ever seen that movie rustle crow master like little like little paper dolls rolls
[01:10:40] What do you you're just master and commander? It's just your cock is keeping us
[01:10:44] I don't know for whatever reason the storm has no effect on me. Oh nice
[01:10:47] It would probably be the other way around
[01:10:49] You would probably be on the ground because you're fat
[01:10:51] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I have a long mission and I have the very painful knotted up dick that's being stretched out into the hurricane
[01:11:04] Um that made your dick bigger if you let your dick flap in a hurricane. It would probably just rip it off
[01:11:09] Interesting. Well, no, I probably wouldn't generate enough
[01:11:12] Prep because I remember reading as a kid that it takes only 10 pounds of pressure to like rep a human ear off
[01:11:17] But I can tug on my ear. I could probably hang weights for my ear to wouldn't fucking rip off
[01:11:22] All right, let's try. Yeah, go ahead pull my let's go. No, no, let's go to the cross. Go ahead. Go ahead
[01:11:29] I guarantee you can't hurt me. Pull my ear as hard as you want. Ah, don't that sucks. It doesn't do anything
[01:11:38] You got ugly. Yeah, I just don't have I just put my own ear in it hurt. Yeah, it hurts me. Oh, no
[01:11:44] No, you just have like no like nerves or something. Yeah, you got like weird ears anybody ever fuck your ears up
[01:11:51] No, but I mean you could do that with any I don't think yeah, I don't experience pain
[01:11:57] That's true. I heard I remember hearing about boxing ears when I was a little kid cauliflower ears, but no, no
[01:12:03] No boxing. Oh, yeah, it's under clapping like thunder clapping and it like freaks me out. It sounded so scary. Yeah, yeah
[01:12:09] You can go deaf just from like cupping someone's ears on the sides of their heads. Yeah. Yeah, I hate that
[01:12:15] So we should do that to the neck and see if you want to
[01:12:18] Def neck that would suck. Yeah, then we'll be cool. Oh, you're always in your hometown everybody
[01:12:24] They're like people like he's doing the down syndrome guy again
[01:12:27] You know, I'm deaf now. What about very similar the very similar
[01:12:32] What about death or why people it's like Philadelphia in Baltimore people can't tell a difference
[01:12:41] What about death comedy J comes up there like excuse me. Do you have down syndrome my my aunt has down syndrome
[01:12:47] Because she's here in the summertime. I always would laugh at her voice
[01:12:51] It was always so funny. No, I'm deaf actually. I'm sorry. I couldn't help but eavesdropping, but are you deaf guys? No, I've down syndrome. Oh, okay
[01:13:02] And some of the quality. Yeah, yeah, they're awesome. Oh qualities, but like they say phone and then
[01:13:16] Because we keep buying candy crustaceans
[01:13:19] They say phone, but they don't know how to they can't use it. They're incapable of using it and we say phone
[01:13:30] Fuck dude all this exercise I had something to say but all this exercise I've done today
[01:13:34] It's made my brain foggy. Yeah, I need to find that goddamn bookstore before I go to the gym
[01:13:38] What's the bookstore? I need to get a quick book like online for just go to the string
[01:13:42] I don't want to have to pay that my cpa friend more money that like
[01:13:47] Yeah, yeah, because I have a question. I you're like go consult with 100 bucks. Yeah, it costs money
[01:13:52] Yeah, I just want to get wait. So I can learn how to do accounting myself. I don't need to fucking
[01:13:56] Keep spending money on that. You what what even do you have to do just write down your expenses?
[01:14:00] I do I used to manage my own books and I had a whole system and I switched to quick books because I'm like oh
[01:14:05] This will be easier, but it's not. It's like yeah, like broke software
[01:14:10] Why can't you just link quick books to your bank account and then they have the computer can just recognize this is a
[01:14:18] You're saying all this and you have no idea what you're talking. What about I'm just saying why can't you?
[01:14:22] I'm asking why the technology I have done that you need to document and categorize all the fucking expenses
[01:14:30] What about the kid? I'm fine. What about dick? No, you don't know your mom dying of cancer
[01:14:36] What's wrong? I'll tell you what the problem is anytime I go to I I'm like, oh, I'm trying to figure out
[01:14:40] I do this thing and and this is not just you but it's not just everybody. It's a society. This is what society does this
[01:14:46] And it's not to me everybody does it to each other, but somebody's like yeah
[01:14:49] I'm trying to figure this out and then they'll suggest things that are like
[01:14:53] Obviously the first step anyone fucking talk. Yeah, you know, yeah, and then you're like puny mortals
[01:15:04] Yeah, you sound like you're just getting irritated at no
[01:15:07] I to be fair. I don't think then and I don't think I'm in it. I'm telling you what to do, but I was not telling you what what about
[01:15:14] dick looks instead of quick books. Yeah, and it's uh, it's uh, I don't know
[01:15:21] So spreadsheet full of dicks that you look at that's good or maybe uh
[01:15:27] There are counting sticks. I don't know. I haven't workshopped it all the way, but
[01:15:32] How about how about full of suck more off man?
[01:15:36] I think before what about deaf comedy jazz just all black bring your fucking car deaf comedians. I think we literally have done
[01:15:43] Did we say that? Yeah, no, here's what here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna suck your cock. That's good
[01:15:50] Give just pull your cock out. Just let me see it man
[01:15:54] Just come on man. Please just let me suck your cock
[01:16:00] I feel like that's pretty good. You're basically there just pull it out
[01:16:05] Pull just come on pull your cock out man. I'm full of suck more off man
[01:16:12] Feel up suck more off man. I love sucking car. All right. Okay. That's the episode. Bye
[01:16:17] Funny. Oh, okay. You announced that Baltimore's canceled. Yes. Okay, so that canceled is postponed post-pone. I think maybe june second
[01:16:24] Yes, maybe we should face confirm. We should mention back. He said me a list of dates and I looked at it
[01:16:28] Let's pick this sunday. We are not doing a show at auto bar in baltimore. Sorry for the fall. Sorry. Oh, yeah
[01:16:34] We're not doing it. We're not but the 14th funny moms
[01:16:37] Funny mommy words looked I think someone is booked, but I forget I forget
[01:16:43] Wait, he fucked now. I thought he just sucked off. I just suck. I just suck dick
[01:16:47] I'm just trying to suck for a man. I just want to start your dick man
[01:16:54] Uh, okay, that's the show. Bye guys. Bye