Cum Town | Regular | 08/09/2018
[00:00:00] And we're off. Hello and welcome to come town. It is I stop
[00:00:05] roast haggis along with Adam. Great. And Nicholas Marlin. Here I am.
[00:00:10] We're all having sex. Yeah, we're sitting in my living room. I've
[00:00:15] just gotten back from the doctor. We're getting a little sunlight.
[00:00:18] We're not in my bed. What episode do you think this is? 100 120 120
[00:00:25] Too many. Fuck Adam, you're coming. It's it's so funny how.
[00:00:30] Yeah, no, this is going on way too long. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It
[00:00:35] It should have been a month. And then we gave up on it. Yeah. It
[00:00:38] was like like every other idea we ever have. Right. Exactly.
[00:00:42] Like when me and you had that night with Tommy, where we're
[00:00:45] like, let's write a TV show. Oh, yeah. I still think that a
[00:00:49] couple of things we came up with. We were on a lot of co-
[00:00:52] got you know, Tommy disappeared into the bathroom for like an
[00:00:56] hour or more than that. It was like an hour. We thought he went
[00:00:59] home. He like emerged from the bathroom and he was like, Hey,
[00:01:02] what's up? What do you mean? What's up? You've been gone for
[00:01:07] the length. Let's go to the rush hour five. Yeah. I saw you at
[00:01:10] nine p.m. That was also the night where Nick said, do you have
[00:01:13] a blow guy? And Tommy said, yeah, but I fucked the train. He
[00:01:16] won. Respect. Yeah. We're all here. Reminiscing about times we
[00:01:22] did drugs. Yeah. I just got my diagnosis back finally. Oh, yeah.
[00:01:28] Mm hmm. Yeah. My ship popped straight off my tendon, my
[00:01:32] planter fascia tore right off my heel bone. So I'm supposed to
[00:01:36] that ship fix itself. I don't know, man, I'm supposed to go to
[00:01:40] physical therapy and shit. I got to stay off for another two
[00:01:42] weeks, but I feel like I can't stay in the house anymore.
[00:01:44] Destroyed the show. It really did. We should sue Lewis. I also
[00:01:48] got food poisoning that night. Yeah. I got poisoned. Nick's
[00:01:52] brain got poisoned. My fucking foot. I feel like I got
[00:01:55] injured. I'm not my foot off, dude. Yeah, just carry the shit.
[00:01:58] Odds are I'm gonna fucking get it. You know, I'm probably gonna
[00:02:01] get diabetes. So I'm getting ahead of the amputation. I'm
[00:02:04] probably gonna get diabetes. You remember my family has
[00:02:07] diabetes? Really? Yeah. So I got like a sweet tooth. It just
[00:02:10] doesn't really affect me. You saw I came over the other
[00:02:12] night and ate all those Reese's pieces. Reese's piece. You do
[00:02:15] eat literally anytime Adam has any any sweet snack. Can't
[00:02:19] stop. You actually have eaten probably more of Adam's
[00:02:21] sweet snacks than I have, which people wouldn't have
[00:02:24] seen. I love candy. I love candy. And I'm not afraid to
[00:02:26] admit that. Yeah. Nate, Nick is growing. Yeah. He's
[00:02:30] accepting parts. Don't worry guys. It's not growing. Nothing
[00:02:34] is changing. Nothing's gonna fucking happen. Mm-hmm. I'm
[00:02:38] still gonna be upset. You know, you'll find the shit off the
[00:02:44] handle at my friends and lashing out at people and having
[00:02:48] weird obsessions every once in a while. Don't ever change
[00:02:52] Bopee. Yeah. We also, Nick and I had a revelation on the
[00:02:56] way here. What's that? But that we sort of need faith in our
[00:03:00] lives. Like religious faith? Yeah, like we should join sort of
[00:03:05] a community. We're gonna join the Church of Scientology.
[00:03:08] Oh, hell yeah. He's ultimately, yes. I'm never gonna be able to
[00:03:11] control this fandom. It's too late. No. All the wheels have
[00:03:14] come off. Too powerful. They're going to kill us. Yeah.
[00:03:17] But the Church of Scientology can kill them. Yeah. Exactly for us.
[00:03:21] Yeah. Yes. There are fucking shields. Yeah. We're gonna just
[00:03:24] be in the Sea Ward. We're gonna get the costumes. I do let the
[00:03:26] costumes bring me into that room. We're like, uh, where they have
[00:03:30] to like tell them your deepest secrets or whatever. I'm like,
[00:03:33] I tell people I'm five eight, but I'm actually five seven.
[00:03:36] I like your head. I just go murder. Yeah, dude. They provide the
[00:03:44] shield. They protect their own. Yeah. And then we can, if we
[00:03:47] wanted to, we could be gay like Travolta. We can, we can really
[00:03:50] flourish with that kind of, uh, yeah, you know, my theory is they
[00:03:53] made Travolta be gay. We had too much power. Interesting. That
[00:03:57] makes sense. He was too beautiful. He was, they made him
[00:03:59] bald and they made him gay. Yeah. Yep. And then they made him
[00:04:02] I'm ahead of the curve. They made him jack off all those. Yeah.
[00:04:06] Which by the way, I think I want plugs, dude. Yeah. You said,
[00:04:10] I've been, I've been researching what Brian on the last episode of
[00:04:13] Brian or like, Brian or like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone D.
[00:04:16] And me, thank you to the good Samaritan, the D. M. Me.
[00:04:18] It costs about 12 grand to get with Brian Erlacher had done.
[00:04:22] I'll, I'll squirrel that money away. Yeah. And I'll take a trip to
[00:04:25] Chicago. I'll come back with the fuck. Let's go at the same time.
[00:04:27] I'll get that surgery where they shatter your legs. Yeah.
[00:04:30] No, I've, I, you can get pretty tall. Yeah. People guys,
[00:04:36] this like Chinese guys that write apps and then they do it.
[00:04:39] I was reading like, there was a forum for people to do the
[00:04:42] surgery. Hell, yes. Do the cracker bones. It's so funny.
[00:04:46] Because you guys like, you can't walk through the years.
[00:04:48] Like, it's the most unbearable pain I've ever felt.
[00:04:53] It's just like in a hotel room, just like crying out to the
[00:04:57] heavens because his bones have been shattered and fucking
[00:05:02] stretch. And then it's like, well, my girlfriend broke up with
[00:05:06] me because she didn't understand it. Yeah, it's stupid.
[00:05:11] Yeah. But hey, I'll do it. Like you get like three inches.
[00:05:15] Yeah, three inches. Whoa. Okay. And I don't know.
[00:05:18] I didn't have much people would respect me if I was just sort of
[00:05:21] like weird and elongated. Okay. Yeah. No, it's it's months.
[00:05:25] They shatter your legs and then slowly stretch them out as new
[00:05:28] bone fills in. And it's just like, it's like having braces.
[00:05:31] You just have to lie on the floor of a hotel room and down
[00:05:34] Oxycontin and scream. Here's what I'm saying.
[00:05:37] We do it at the same time. Yeah. Okay. We get a suite of
[00:05:40] beautiful hotels. Sweet. Okay. And we are doing we go to China
[00:05:44] and we don't do Oxycontin. We go to fucking we take in the
[00:05:47] culture. We do opium then. Yeah. We get the long Chinese pony
[00:05:51] tails. Yeah. The little with a little ribbon at the bottom.
[00:05:54] Yeah. And then what's you know, we're getting fucked up Chinese
[00:05:57] ladies to suck us off. Yeah. We're at you know, Adam will
[00:06:00] go and get his dumplings. Uh huh. I like this idea, dude.
[00:06:02] It's a great idea. Because we can keep podcasting through this
[00:06:06] through this unbearable pain. Yeah. No, I mean, we'll keep
[00:06:09] podcasting through everything. Yeah. The podcast will never end.
[00:06:13] Oh, God. But what I'm saying is we try to fucking
[00:06:16] tragedy. We should hole up in the fucking where should we go?
[00:06:22] How about bang guy? Bang guy? Yeah. Oh yeah. There you go.
[00:06:25] That's you still got it. What elective surgical you get
[00:06:28] while I was getting our legs laughing earlier today about
[00:06:30] like some sort of like like summit between Trump and
[00:06:34] Xi Jinping or whatever. Yeah. And like Xi Jinping will be like
[00:06:38] boo go do go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go
[00:06:42] yeah. And then the translator is like there will be many moons
[00:06:45] before we have peace between the Empire of China and the United
[00:06:49] States. And then Trump just goes, that's what she said. And
[00:06:57] then slay him down. No matter what he says, you just say
[00:07:00] that's what she said. Ultimate Oh, that is a good own. Yeah.
[00:07:06] Yeah. That would be fucking good, dude. Yeah, they should do
[00:07:09] he should do that. He said, yeah, he could he said that's what
[00:07:11] she said. He's like, no, just no. Yeah, I know you are but what
[00:07:17] I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's good diplomacy.
[00:07:26] Yeah. Fuck dude. Now I'm just thinking about myself. 510
[00:07:30] with a fucking full head of hair. Yeah. How much fucking
[00:07:33] and teeth? Bro, I need to disappear for a year and come back
[00:07:36] 510 hair teeth. Everything. Everything. Look at like a normal
[00:07:42] last guy. Just standing like just not same. Yeah, just a normal
[00:07:48] look. Yeah. I know. That's the glow up for me is just just not
[00:07:52] a fucked up guy. Yeah. Like out of context, walking boot tooth
[00:07:57] was fed. I used to I used to want to be able to just put my
[00:08:02] brain in like a robot. Yeah, I remember I know that won't work
[00:08:05] either. Why? But I just want to be replaced with a robot that
[00:08:09] says the same things as me. Oh, so you will not be feeling
[00:08:12] anything. I'm dead. It's kind of like fucking rope a sound
[00:08:15] board is basically what I want to do in my final form. That's
[00:08:18] basically fucking a woman with a strap on you wear the strap on
[00:08:21] that's true. The robot would be the strap on and you would as
[00:08:24] your dick disintegrates. Yeah, and goes to Valhalla. Well, we're
[00:08:28] gonna have to wear strap on once this climate change things
[00:08:30] happen. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know if you skimmed calm
[00:08:34] Nick down from his own anxiety about his own life. And I was
[00:08:37] like, you should read that thing. I did. Of course, do not. But
[00:08:40] what happened? Oh, yeah, there are times magazine. Yeah,
[00:08:44] it's like, I mean, I just skim the article. That's great. But
[00:08:47] you know, I mean, it's huge. Damn. And let's go. Actually, a
[00:08:50] lot. That's what she said. Yeah. And my dick. And so fucking
[00:08:59] we're gonna die. I can't remember. I was trying to pull
[00:09:02] extract. I was trying to extract any detail that I could
[00:09:05] possibly remember from the article. And I didn't remember
[00:09:08] any of that even one. None. Yeah, there was a guy with weird
[00:09:12] hair named like scarf a rally or pomber. Pomerance.
[00:09:17] Yeah, scarf a really good guy named pomerance or something. Okay.
[00:09:20] Yeah. And the world you have a pomeranian? No, pomeran
[00:09:24] pomerase the pomeranian would be cute. Put in the article
[00:09:26] that he was 64. Yeah. Well, anyways, we've known about like
[00:09:30] climate change since 1896 or something. Nice. And we knew
[00:09:34] that like fossil fuels were destroyed. Yeah. In 1979, there
[00:09:37] was like an opportunity to be like, okay, well, we can do
[00:09:40] something right now to change this and no one did anything.
[00:09:42] Yeah. And now it's like the damage is irreparable. The
[00:09:45] temperature is going to rise by like one or two degrees Celsius
[00:09:49] or something in the next like 40 years, which means that
[00:09:52] a lot like Europe's in like permanent drought. And yeah,
[00:09:55] that's fucked. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm tired like Boston and
[00:10:00] Miami don't exist. I don't know where we move.
[00:10:03] New York City, baby. West Virginia. Are we going to be under
[00:10:06] water? Controving. So if Miami is going to be underwater,
[00:10:11] then take me as Tallahassee going to be where all the Cuban
[00:10:13] bitches are. Yeah, they're just gonna go inland. We go
[00:10:17] Dr. Tallahassee, he just got a nice bad lens for pussy. He's
[00:10:22] just got like pieces of a broken robot. He's trying to trade
[00:10:25] that some mutants are a guy with two heads. We've got Cuban
[00:10:29] oars. Don't send him the Cuban horse. Shut up. Two headed
[00:10:35] mutant. It's going through the desert. Here, I've got this
[00:10:38] bop. It's got a Cuban pussy. You've got you've got like this
[00:10:42] like bio mechanical arm, but all the fingers are just
[00:10:45] kebab skewers. Yeah, goddamn. That's shit. That's
[00:10:50] it with rock. Yeah, dude, I got like a trans am, you know,
[00:10:53] yeah, just driving through the desert. Yeah, mad max style.
[00:10:56] Mad max style. Yeah, just go it's going to the ends of the
[00:11:00] earth. And it's like I'm trying to find the last of the posts
[00:11:04] about me. I have to destroy all of them. It's my purpose.
[00:11:13] Seek out destroy all of the posts. Hell, yeah, dude. That'd be
[00:11:18] cool. Dude, I can't wait for the dystopian future. Yeah, I've
[00:11:21] been playing a game that's sort of a dystopian horizon zero
[00:11:24] dawn. Yes, it rules, dude. I bet it would look sick on my TV.
[00:11:28] What is it? I've been playing God of War. Yeah, it's great.
[00:11:31] You know, it's funny. I went to the gym today. And it's it's
[00:11:34] like I in times like of despair, I should look more to the good
[00:11:38] king Felix for his. I mean, it really is like gym gaming
[00:11:43] autism. Don't fuck with. Yeah, don't the formula. Do you need
[00:11:47] pussy? You wait out into the dangerous waters of emotional
[00:11:50] maturity. You're gonna drown. Especially you got like me.
[00:11:53] Oh, yes. You don't want yes gaming. No mirrors. You don't want
[00:11:57] to look at yourself. No, initially, or absolutely not. Not at
[00:12:01] all. No snacks gaming gym. Yes, you know, it's not down to a
[00:12:05] science at this point. Just for your body looking like absolute
[00:12:07] shit. No one can tell how much you can lift. But you're
[00:12:10] strong. You're strong. And you're not going to get any fights
[00:12:13] because you still are, you know, bitch, right? You're still a
[00:12:16] coward. Yeah, like ever defend yourself. But take a look at my
[00:12:19] fucking KD ratio in Battlefield one who's a pussy now. You know,
[00:12:23] why don't you spend 11 hours a day gaming? That's just gaming
[00:12:27] over and over and over again. So you really think you're in
[00:12:29] World War one. You're a Russian woman saving Russia from
[00:12:35] till you choke Armenian you think is from the fucking Ottoman
[00:12:39] Empire you just have a flashback. By the way, do you see that
[00:12:43] fucking the Sasha Baron? I just watched the latest one, dude.
[00:12:47] The latest one wasn't when they was at the one was at the one
[00:12:50] where they put the guy into me. Muslim. Oh, yeah. It was
[00:12:55] fucking unbelievable. He's playing a little flute. He's like,
[00:13:00] what have you been eating? He's like, I just had homeless. I'm a
[00:13:02] Muslim man. I was just here trying to summon this snake eating
[00:13:07] home. Dude, the Sultan hat and the fuck the Sultan hat little
[00:13:11] fat white guy is such a good fuck. Thanks. Yeah, man. I know
[00:13:14] you. Yeah. I'm just gonna show comes up. Oh, thanks, man.
[00:13:19] Yeah. Yeah. Like, excuse me. Um, you know, it's like people
[00:13:25] like come up to you after the show and so many people were
[00:13:28] like just, you know, all plaid good said or whatever. Yeah,
[00:13:31] doesn't, you know, they don't mean it. They're just being
[00:13:33] nice. You know, thanks, thanks. And then someone will come up to
[00:13:36] like, just be like, where's the bathroom or you know, the
[00:13:40] like, yeah, thanks for comment. You'll be like, Oh, then, oh,
[00:13:43] now I really feel like an asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,
[00:13:46] yeah, yeah. Thank you, man. Yeah, I was saying last night,
[00:13:48] but what's even worse is when they quote the other comics joke
[00:13:53] to you. Oh, it's happened so much to you. You would never
[00:13:56] consider that it would happen. Yeah, good amount. But it's like,
[00:13:59] you would think that would be impossible. But it fucking
[00:14:01] it's like, dude, that thing you said about your wife is so good.
[00:14:04] Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Somebody eating pussy. You know, I don't
[00:14:08] have a wife. Yeah. That thing that thing you said about,
[00:14:11] everyone think you've been in jail because you're a black man.
[00:14:13] Yeah. And yeah, you have been in jail. We Nick was when we he was
[00:14:21] sad in DC. We like completely did not appreciate the fact that
[00:14:24] Dark Mark was featuring on two of the shows that we were on. Hell,
[00:14:27] yeah. We completely missed out. Dark Mark, maybe. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:14:33] Um, fuck, you know, I, is it, I think I realized that more
[00:14:37] anti-Semitic than I thought because I was watching a religious
[00:14:40] chopped and I was vehemently rooting against the right guy.
[00:14:44] Just fuck some Jewish girls. You do. Honestly, I'll be honest with
[00:14:48] you. That kind of solved it for me being anti-Semitic. Smash
[00:14:52] some J birds and it just fight. It'll go right away. Do you know
[00:14:55] any if you have to? Yeah, right. For Jewish. I know that's the
[00:14:59] opposite. Cannot say I'm self-loathing. You can't. They're
[00:15:01] awful. It's like having sex with your mother. It's just the
[00:15:04] ultimate act. Which is hot. Yeah, that's sick. Yeah. It's like,
[00:15:08] it's a problem. It makes you feel like disgusting with yourself.
[00:15:10] But yeah, you fuck Jewish girls. It's like, they like to suck
[00:15:14] dick. I think I've only fucked one or two Jewish girls. Sorry,
[00:15:18] the recorder fucked up. The recorder fucked up. We put it in
[00:15:20] Adam's ass. But I have never, I don't, I can't really, I had a
[00:15:24] big crush on a Jewish girl. My freshman year of college. And by
[00:15:29] the time I actually finally like hooked up with her and I was, I
[00:15:33] was so shocked that she wanted to fuck me. She said she had a
[00:15:36] vagina. Yeah, she had a pussy. Because they teach us. Yeah.
[00:15:39] You know, the circumcision. Gentiles. Yeah. Yeah. The females.
[00:15:42] Dude, honestly, I was and the girls get a circumfist. Yeah. I
[00:15:44] blew it so hard because I had never fucked. It was, I was 19.
[00:15:48] I had not fucked yet. And I just did not think it was possible
[00:15:51] this girl would want to fuck me. So she like got almost naked. And
[00:15:55] I didn't, I thought I was going to go home. We went to like the
[00:15:57] movies or some shit. Went to like a shitty diner. I really blew
[00:16:00] it on this date. This really was like me realizing I have to get
[00:16:03] my shit together. And I just got into the bed, just fully
[00:16:06] clothed. Just like my khakis. And like my fucking I had some
[00:16:11] stupid like I just even stupid her back then I had like a
[00:16:14] graphics tee. But on top of a long sleeve white tee, you remember
[00:16:19] that? Oh, yeah. The one long sleeve white tee with like a
[00:16:22] fuck. And I just like potted her pussy. And like didn't really
[00:16:26] she was just told she was like, you can do more. I was like, no
[00:16:30] problem. Yeah, I was so nervous and like fucking tragic. It
[00:16:33] was so I was also fat as shit. I was like 325. Damn. It was like
[00:16:37] at the top of my fatness, horrible stringy hair right before I
[00:16:41] was like, all right, I'm bald. Am I kidding? It was honestly the
[00:16:44] low point of my life. And she started she actually started
[00:16:47] dating a Jewish guy from Detroit. And I'll never forgive
[00:16:50] her. Some guy named Aaron. I lost my virginity to a Jewish girl
[00:16:54] at obviously at camp, summer camp. And I sat next to her at a
[00:16:59] wedding. Like two years ago with her. And on the other side of
[00:17:03] her was her husband, we were like put at the same table. I'd
[00:17:06] never met him before. But he was like Middle Eastern like Persian
[00:17:09] Jew. But he looked exactly like Tiger Woods. I can't go over
[00:17:14] it. There's pretty good look like Tiger Woods. And then she's
[00:17:17] like, how's everything going? I was like, Oh, it's pretty good
[00:17:20] pretty good. Like me and my friends just started a pot. Oh,
[00:17:23] fuck. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, I told some guy at the
[00:17:25] bank. I know what's it called. Oh, God. And then
[00:17:29] and then her husband's like, I was like, Oh, what do you do? He's
[00:17:32] like, I'm a I'm at Ernst and Young just a rich and spunk. And I
[00:17:37] was like, I just something came over me. I was just like, do
[00:17:39] people tell you you look like Tiger Woods like almost exactly
[00:17:42] like Tiger Woods. And he's like, Yeah, all the time. Of course
[00:17:47] they tell them Adam. Fuck. Whatever, dude. She got a titty
[00:17:52] reduction and a rhinoplasty. That's it, man. I like
[00:17:55] boo. I've said this before. Yeah, I support a woman's right to
[00:17:59] choose. It should be against law that you should be in jail
[00:18:03] getting a breast reduction. Slap it every ounce of titty meet
[00:18:07] you chop off. That's a fucking year and you should be thrown in
[00:18:10] fucking jail. It's murder. I don't understand.
[00:18:12] You can't do it. Diddy reductions are murder. Look, abortion
[00:18:17] crazy. No, you look very important part of my soul. Yeah.
[00:18:22] The part that gets horny when I look at titties. I'm telling
[00:18:25] you, you're robbing me of a part of titty meat. I can't get
[00:18:29] horny. I was hanging out with Jake the other day and like, I
[00:18:32] don't know, I just felt like shit or whatever. And then like
[00:18:35] just some woman walk by with this just outrageous ass. We saw
[00:18:40] at the same time, it was like, nice, you know, it's like a
[00:18:44] sunset or whatever. Yeah, you're you're doing when you get a
[00:18:47] breast reduction is you're destroying the sun. Yes, yes,
[00:18:53] one of the seven beautiful you're taking your nuking the
[00:18:56] skies, taking away from all of us. If you're painful,
[00:19:03] problematic breasts that are probably ruining your life.
[00:19:07] Yeah. But also they got braces. Yeah, they got back braces.
[00:19:11] They got all this stuff. We're gonna get you like, we'll
[00:19:14] figure it out. Yeah, before. Yeah. Before. Okay, here's what
[00:19:16] we're seeing one of those little rolling medicine cabinets
[00:19:19] you can rest them on. If you're thinking about getting a
[00:19:21] breast reduction, please come to us first, we will cover the
[00:19:24] costs for you to maintain your chance. They're made bigger.
[00:19:27] Yes, actually, yes, that's what we will get you in place.
[00:19:33] Imagine that doctor that's like, old breast reduction. Oh, I'm
[00:19:38] sorry. I don't know. I fucked up. Yeah, no, surgery went
[00:19:42] around and a set. So I guess maybe you should leave. Just
[00:19:46] let me get it. It just takes us full and now starts taking
[00:19:48] pictures. Yeah, yeah. Before you make any decisions, why don't
[00:19:52] we see how you look with this fucking filter? Have you guys
[00:19:56] ever sexed with an Instagram filter? No, a doctor? Have you
[00:20:00] Yeah, dude, I only I always put my dick on toaster. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:20:06] I meant a little like Snapchat still stolen ones like the
[00:20:09] little cat. Yeah. Oh, I found out recently why girls do the
[00:20:13] dog because it makes your eyes bigger. It makes the it makes
[00:20:17] your face look less fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those
[00:20:20] filters do that. Yeah, they have big ass eyes. I mean, I'm
[00:20:23] still I don't use Snapchat at all. I don't send snaps to
[00:20:27] be video doesn't. But God damn, if I don't enjoy the
[00:20:31] shit out of putting myself in African and Indian men's faces
[00:20:35] with the face swapping. And it's just for me, I just sit
[00:20:39] there for hours. You know, Martin Luther King, what do you
[00:20:42] bring me this coconut because it's not this is my house. You
[00:20:47] cannot just talking to my house. How dare you do this to me?
[00:20:55] for no one for no one. You're not just looking at it. Yeah.
[00:20:59] I mean, it's like, you know, it's things like that is like, yeah,
[00:21:02] I don't need fucking therapy most of the time. No, you know, I
[00:21:05] have my own resources. That's right. I see a bunch of bananas
[00:21:11] of doing in India, put it in the guy's face on me. Where are
[00:21:14] the gels? Show me where the gels have gone to. Are they in
[00:21:20] the bathroom? If there are gels in the bathroom, I want to go
[00:21:23] in there to worry I have been videotaping that I have been
[00:21:27] cleaning my penis all day in preparation to meet the
[00:21:30] gels. And I cannot wait. The one thing I cannot wait was to
[00:21:36] meet the gels in the bathroom with my very clean penis. It is so
[00:21:43] Hell, yeah, dude. I just watched a little more dragon ball. Yeah,
[00:21:47] original dragon balls. And into that shit. And it's hilarious.
[00:21:51] I wish I could just regress in the childhood. That's what it
[00:21:53] will do because I've been so depressed that I just am watching
[00:21:56] things that make me feel comfortable. I did that day. I
[00:21:58] was in a I was in a comedy condo. When I thought I had like
[00:22:01] syphilis or something. I had this like horrific sore on my
[00:22:04] day. Nice. Just like a monster. It was like like a nickel or
[00:22:09] dime size. It was pretty fucking big open wounds, plus coming
[00:22:13] out of it. Well, half my dick was like purple. I went to plan
[00:22:17] paranoid and they were like, Oh, you got symptoms. She like
[00:22:21] yells at across the room. I think I told this story already. But
[00:22:24] I was like, yeah, she's like, well, you got to make an
[00:22:26] appointment. I had to go on the week and do like a week in
[00:22:28] Appleton. And yeah, I just spent like the whole week in that
[00:22:32] comedy. Also bombing the entire week. Just having horrible
[00:22:36] fucking sex. We just the right we rinsed out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:41] Yeah, just doing terrible. And then like nursing this dick
[00:22:45] wound with oil of a Reagan on the bathroom. Just like a teacher
[00:22:49] of oil or Reagan, dropping on this. Like purple, swollen
[00:22:55] socks. Yeah. Just really like a rotten Twinkie basically.
[00:23:01] Just all like pussy. Yes, hell yeah. And then I sat in bed and
[00:23:05] I watched Iron Giant, which I hadn't seen before. And it was
[00:23:09] like, what did I do this all the time? Dude, but I've tried and
[00:23:11] I can't. It doesn't work for me. Well, if you haven't seen it as
[00:23:14] big because what you're doing when you see the old shit is just
[00:23:17] like making you you're literally just going back when you were
[00:23:21] little kid watching Saturday. Yeah, well, that's just fucked me
[00:23:23] up. I was like, I dated this girl and she put on like all
[00:23:26] dogs go to heaven one time. And it's like, first of all, you're
[00:23:29] 30 years old. Don't do that. That's just weird. It's weird. It
[00:23:33] weirds me out. That kind of shit weirds me out. Yeah. And yeah,
[00:23:36] it's like, I haven't thought about it in a long time. So
[00:23:39] whatever feelings it elicits are like, like uncomfortable, you
[00:23:44] know, like, I don't like feel good about watching shit like
[00:23:47] that. Even they like remember, we go over to like Romaine's house
[00:23:50] and watch the Simpsons. Yeah, that would do that shit to me.
[00:23:52] Really? Like old Simpsons. You know, it has like a weird
[00:23:57] emotional weight. No, I'm with you because I think they're they
[00:24:00] have their fucking holding like fucking memory specific ones
[00:24:03] hold specific things. Like certain movies you'll just throw on.
[00:24:06] I feel great. I'll fucking I'll watch Hercules right now.
[00:24:09] I watch me on right now up. I can get into it. But up I saw
[00:24:12] as an adult. Yeah, up is good as shit. Up I smoke the fucking
[00:24:15] fat dubster on the way to white marshmall. Me and my cousin
[00:24:18] just went together. It was like one of the nice little cousin
[00:24:20] dates we had. Yeah, it's always nice. And I got I started crying.
[00:24:24] Oh, stoned to shoot. Oh, yeah. We should take a bet on whether
[00:24:29] or I'll cry whether it's you'll cry at the end of this episode.
[00:24:32] Okay, that's where to do that. Bet the aside. Thanks. Yeah.
[00:24:36] Thank you. I got it. We got to stop introing it that way
[00:24:40] because everybody here gambling. It's like that was an
[00:24:43] organic thing like two or three times. Yeah, it's just
[00:24:45] painfully obvious. Bet the aside.com had been in business
[00:24:49] over 20 years with the history of paying out winners and they
[00:24:53] got a great winners. Easy to use mobile interface. Even though
[00:24:57] we gave everyone some losers. Yeah. Last time. Sorry. Yeah,
[00:25:00] don't whatever we will pick things sincerely in earnest. And
[00:25:05] then you do the opposite of that. Yes. Stan's a method. Right.
[00:25:09] Exactly. Did we steal from Seinfeld again? I got it. Probably
[00:25:14] because Stan's that was an episode where George does everything
[00:25:17] against his better jet like against judgment and his life
[00:25:20] starts going great. Yeah, place bets on how often we're
[00:25:24] going to steal sign. At Bet the aside.com. They got an
[00:25:28] easy to use mobile app. Play bet when check it out. And they
[00:25:33] offer live in game wagering. Damn. So I'm still not
[00:25:37] exactly. I don't know what that means. That means like,
[00:25:39] let's say you fucking let's say, you know, you bet the
[00:25:43] let's see a football game. You bet the Patriots to win plus
[00:25:45] seven and then they're fucking losing or whatever. Then you
[00:25:50] could just set you could bet the team they were playing to win
[00:25:53] the second half and try and like cover your fucking bases
[00:25:57] basically. Right. So it's just like it's some fun or you can
[00:26:00] also do fun shit like will some guy score, you know, 20 points
[00:26:03] in the third quarter or something like that. I only bet on
[00:26:05] injuries. Personally. Yeah. Will someone have a horrific
[00:26:09] concussion or blow out a knee? Yeah. Tear their plan or
[00:26:13] fascia. Yeah. And still continue the game. I think they do
[00:26:17] probably have injury bets. I don't think they do actually.
[00:26:20] They don't. Well, anyways, you don't accept our explanation
[00:26:24] of what that is. You can call up their customer service,
[00:26:26] which is available 24 seven 365 days a week. Wow. You know,
[00:26:31] call them up. Tell them you're going to kill yourself. They're
[00:26:33] there 24 seven and they have to say something. Yeah. You know,
[00:26:37] and those guys are reach out and get something back from
[00:26:40] somebody. Yeah. You know, why not? And those guys are in the
[00:26:43] good old US of A, those customers. We don't know that
[00:26:46] actually. So if you get if you get some cologne drenched Indian
[00:26:51] man, it's just waiting for his know that he's in here. The
[00:26:55] next body's gonna shift at the call center where he makes one
[00:26:59] rupee a day to end so he can go, you know, collect the
[00:27:03] giros. The blind girls that seem for money over here goes. Yeah.
[00:27:08] I will take it back to the other one. Yeah, call up that guy
[00:27:12] can play to him about whatever 24 seven 365 days a week with
[00:27:16] bet the SI dot com. And if you tell you what, we had to change
[00:27:22] the promo code because people were winning too much. Not
[00:27:25] really based on our predictions. Yeah. You're better at gambling.
[00:27:28] Just off our good vibes. Yeah. So if you want to go there,
[00:27:31] you can use promo code CUM 120. You get 120 bonus on your
[00:27:36] initial deposit that is opposed to the old promo code of
[00:27:39] come 25, which they had to change you around a bit. They'll
[00:27:43] still honor the old one, I think, for a little bit if you call
[00:27:46] customer service or something, but yes, we will give it to you
[00:27:50] the old one. Yeah, but for now, it's promo code CUM 120. And
[00:27:55] they had to do that because they were losing money. Yeah. Always
[00:27:57] broke the bank. Always a good sign when a company's losing
[00:28:00] money. Always, you know, that's something. Hey, that's
[00:28:06] something you can bet on. Bet on whether I will be around in
[00:28:10] two weeks. That's a perfect that you can bet on. Yeah. Check it
[00:28:14] out. Now, and then what do we got coming up? I guess some UFC
[00:28:18] shit. Didn't that should just happen? Yeah, it already
[00:28:20] happened. But you guys got any we gave you losers. This is the
[00:28:23] worst time, honestly, for sports, but I don't know, bet on the
[00:28:26] WNBA bet on the Las Vegas aces because they're Adam's
[00:28:30] hometown. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I go hard for the Las Vegas
[00:28:33] Vegas braces and it's 12 year old girls. No, no.
[00:28:40] Hey, scissor. What's up, sweetie? You working? You working
[00:28:45] sweet on? Yeah, me and my brother Tony were here from
[00:28:48] Staten Island for the weekend looking to have a good time.
[00:28:51] We're here for a cup stack convention, sir. Yeah. Excuse
[00:28:55] me. We came to see tiny New York. We don't. My daughter is not
[00:29:01] working. This is why we came to see tiny York to avoid you.
[00:29:06] To avoid having my daughter solicited for sex.
[00:29:10] I was by a time American stereotype. I don't do that.
[00:29:13] So bet on that. Bet on, you know, whether or not your daughter
[00:29:17] will be solicited for sex in Vegas on bet the aside.com.
[00:29:21] And we're back. I told you we went my grandparents were visiting
[00:29:24] us when I was a kid and we went to blow my nose, everyone.
[00:29:27] We enter the Caesar's Palace like the four shopping center
[00:29:31] and like Nike Town there. So if you take your grandparents
[00:29:34] from here, this woman like taps my down in the shoulder and
[00:29:38] whispers something in his ear. And I'm like, and then he like
[00:29:42] walks back to us and then my grandpa was like, Oh, what was
[00:29:47] that about? My dad just really loudly goes, she's a prostitute.
[00:29:51] It was a prostitute. Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.
[00:29:55] It was a prostitute. What if you're asking me to pay her for sex?
[00:29:59] What if you did disappear for 10 minutes went to the bathroom
[00:30:01] and just smiled the whole way back? I would be fine with that.
[00:30:04] I'll go to a little strange, Adam. Sex work is labor or something.
[00:30:08] I don't know. We'll go to DSA on you guys.
[00:30:12] Dick suck. Yeah. Dick suck, Adam. Would you consider yourself a
[00:30:16] checks worker? Like, yeah, if you get the muddy buddies,
[00:30:19] checks a big, dude, I'll do whatever you want.
[00:30:21] For a bag. For a way that muddy buddy's checks mix.
[00:30:25] Yeah. That's just you. They have the checks mix sex worker.
[00:30:28] The checks mix checks worker and it's like a little checks guy with
[00:30:31] eyes and a bunch of holes and they're just all being fucked.
[00:30:35] And he's like, I never get soggy. You can fill me with calm and I never
[00:30:39] get so much. It's just a bunch of like cows and the udders
[00:30:42] are like nine dicks and they're fucking the checks mix checks worker.
[00:30:46] And he's like, look how I'm calling. He shouldn't be my ass.
[00:30:49] You'll push hiss all over me. These are all the last holes.
[00:30:57] That's all that's about. Just some cow with nine cats.
[00:31:06] Hell yes, dude. I love that, dude. I like that he's a man too.
[00:31:11] You know, because everyone thinks sex workers are...
[00:31:15] Yeah, dude. It's still in my heart. It's still there.
[00:31:17] Yeah. You can't take it away from me. You got a riff hard, dude.
[00:31:19] You got a riff hard. A riff hard. I was telling you, I'm going to be the
[00:31:23] Tanya Harding of riffing. Okay. You know, people can't handle my etiquette.
[00:31:29] You know? Yeah, you're too. I may lash out at people and commit
[00:31:32] just be really horrific to them. Consider considering murder and then
[00:31:36] considering murder and just crippling and denying that.
[00:31:40] Right. Your technical scores are high but your artistic scores are always very low.
[00:31:45] Yeah. Very low. You know, what's the triple axel of
[00:31:49] almost saying the answer? I think it's a Negro colored and...
[00:31:54] What's one more? Come on, you can do better than that.
[00:31:57] You're right. I could. You could have done better than that.
[00:32:01] I could have, man. African-American. I don't know, man.
[00:32:04] Now my confidence is shot, dude. So you are Tanya, dude.
[00:32:07] People don't want to fucking work out. A lot of people don't know this because
[00:32:09] they're listening to the show but I'm actually wearing a dress right.
[00:32:11] Yeah, it's true. I'm dressed exactly like Tanya Harding.
[00:32:14] Sort of rhinestone number. It's just a big blue dress.
[00:32:17] You know, and I've got my poofy hair and pink hair.
[00:32:20] Your hair is crimped. Yeah. Is he got a queen makeup?
[00:32:23] Yeah. You got a bad attitude. Oh, yeah.
[00:32:27] You're dancing to original motion picture soundtrack from...
[00:32:30] What the suicide squad? That's what your ice dancing is saying, dude.
[00:32:34] A lot of people also don't know that Nick's mom
[00:32:36] is at every recording of him on the podcast.
[00:32:38] He's putting cigarettes out on you. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:32:50] If your mom was just in the room for every episode.
[00:32:57] Yeah. Come on, man. Talk about the Jews.
[00:33:00] You know, it's so funny. It's like the...
[00:33:03] You know, I gotta get messages from people.
[00:33:06] And it's like, especially over the last couple of years,
[00:33:08] it's like been so easy for people to see things on like a superficial level
[00:33:12] and be like, well, these people are Nazis, so they're bad.
[00:33:15] And these people are going to have to sit there good.
[00:33:16] It's like, it's bullshit. I mean, like...
[00:33:23] It's not that they're good. It's just that like, politics mostly online are like superficial.
[00:33:27] Yeah. But I'll get like, either messaging people like,
[00:33:31] By the way, all of the Jews in your life are trying to keep...
[00:33:38] And it's like, you can't help but like,
[00:33:41] you know, it's sort of be moved by the concern or whatever.
[00:33:50] If exercise and eating right doesn't work,
[00:33:59] But yeah, honestly, when I was watching that rabbi just fucking...
[00:34:05] There was a guy's grocery game's junior I watched.
[00:34:11] And one of the kids was wearing a Yarmulke.
[00:34:14] And he's like, I want to be a chef, but I only cook kosher cuisine.
[00:34:21] And I was like, I was actively rooting against him myself.
[00:34:30] It feels like they're all trying to be funny,
[00:34:33] because there's been so many Jewish comedians.
[00:34:35] I feel like they're trying too hard to be funny.
[00:34:37] Like, I'm like, stop doing that Woody Allen impression.
[00:34:39] There used to be, you don't see it anymore.
[00:34:41] I feel like it was a thing like 15 years ago.
[00:34:44] But there was these like theatrical Jewish guys that would get into comedy.
[00:34:48] There was a guy I just told Adam about him the other day.
[00:34:50] I'm not even saying his name or whatever.
[00:35:05] I just have to accept the fact that I'm a bad person and I harass people
[00:35:11] I guess it's not going to change to this point.
[00:35:19] If we can be a little less bad than we were yesterday, man.
[00:35:24] I was ever a crisis about it every couple of years.
[00:35:36] He fucking... you know, he'd go on stage and he's like, and here we are
[00:35:51] Just some of like new paltz or white planes.
[00:36:06] usually bring my friend Brandon to open mics.
[00:36:10] yeah, that fucking guy, Leo is a fucking loser.
[00:36:25] Like, you know, having to listen to a 17 year old boy.
[00:36:42] It feels like they're overdoing the first.
[00:37:08] That take is kind of gone from stand up now.
[00:37:12] The LA thing is, they're still doing that, right?
[00:37:19] I mean, I haven't been to Los Angeles in forever,
[00:37:23] And like, the overgeneralization about like,
[00:37:26] what LA comics versus New York comics are.
[00:37:36] and there's more like, just stories about
[00:37:39] Yeah, something happened to stand up where you could get...
[00:37:43] I mean, this is like, we've already discussed all this bullshit,
[00:37:54] And the big thing, like, seven years ago or whatever,
[00:38:14] They would do this like, weird robot arm thing.
[00:38:24] live at the purple lung and it's probably
[00:38:26] currently the most influential stand-up concept.
[00:38:43] And he's a great artist because he just moved to Emile.
[00:38:57] He's like one of those rich guys that drives a shitty car.
[00:39:16] We were laughing about J. Leno killing himself.
[00:39:36] J. Leno's bottle-awboy is killing himself.
[00:39:42] You know what it's supposed to look like?
[00:39:49] Didn't we also have a different J. Leno?
[00:40:35] stole Seinfeld's already kind of whatever idea for a show.
[00:40:39] He just drives people around in his car.
[00:40:42] I think that there was probably a time where J. Leno
[00:40:46] felt like Seinfeld was copying him by being a car guy.
[00:40:55] You're saying that joke J. Leno is doing that?
[00:41:03] I saw like some video of him like last like two years and his opener is like...
[00:41:07] So, what do you say when you get a cat?
[00:41:18] And then people are like, you know, you call a Nuber.
[00:41:22] You, uh, yeah, you know, he's like, you know, you don't say call a Nuber.
[00:41:29] And he's like, you take, you take the Uber.
[00:41:39] And my favorite thing about Seinfeld now is that he's like,
[00:41:42] him and like, I guess he's been influenced by like Chris Rock and like a lot of other comics.
[00:41:46] Like he's like really upset about PC culture.
[00:41:50] And he's like, I won't even do colleges anymore.
[00:41:57] Like, how are you in any way, shape or form a victim of like, uh, of the fucking thought police?
[00:42:03] It is weird that he just dated a 17 year old with big ass titties.
[00:42:07] And everyone's just like cool with that.
[00:42:12] You know, it was at the height of Seinfeld.
[00:42:14] I mean, like, that's like season eight.
[00:42:16] That's the thing where it's like, you don't know that you're not going to be doing that.
[00:42:23] Because like, it's like a lot of guys, you know, you're in like, when you're like 23, 24,
[00:42:27] you're like, how are you going to be 40 data 22 year old?
[00:42:39] Um, but yeah, it's like, I, I, I can understand why somebody would.
[00:42:46] Especially, especially for like, you know, just some fucking like weird celebrity that's like,
[00:42:51] full of himself and wants to like hang on to his youth.
[00:42:56] And he completely got the pass completely.
[00:43:00] It's not enough of a rape thing to like.
[00:43:08] Yeah, but it's like, we're talking about it as like a thing that no one really talks about.
[00:43:14] It was like, I think he was like, it was like season seven.
[00:43:23] And he straight up dated like would bring her to like, yeah, he fly her out.
[00:43:27] She was like, I think from a very wealthy family, like,
[00:43:34] She's married to a, I believe the husband or she, she's a philanthropist.
[00:43:40] Which just means that she has a rich husband.
[00:43:43] What about, what about a, what about a,
[00:43:52] When they try to make that happen, the 80s.
[00:44:05] Imagine like working on your fucking hot rod in your garage
[00:44:12] Yeah, it is like, this is like a Star Trek Voyager,
[00:44:19] The character like Tom Paris is, he's like just obsessed with the 50s.
[00:44:25] It's like, you just wrote this for the fucking Boomer retards.
[00:44:29] Which obviously, but like, it doesn't make any sense.
[00:44:32] Why this guy from 300 years in the future would be obsessed with the particular decking.
[00:44:40] And like us being like, you were on a june?
[00:44:44] And explaining the difference between this type of covered wagon.
[00:44:58] Well, he dates the Klingon bitch, and there's an episode where he's on the holodec
[00:45:05] And then she like comes in, she's like,
[00:45:10] Like, of course you wouldn't know what that is, you fucking nerd.
[00:45:17] And he's like, this thing, zero to 60, you know, 13.4 seconds or whatever.
[00:45:24] You're literally traveling faster than the speed of life.
[00:45:28] In fact, in one episode, you traveled so fast that you turned into a lizard.
[00:45:33] Which is another thing I know about you.
[00:45:38] They got my man, P. Stu, coming back for another start track.
[00:45:53] He's got mad at him because he's like dating like a 40 year old,
[00:45:59] Yeah, he's straight, but it was like, I mean, him and Ian, what's his name?
[00:46:03] Yeah, but they probably, they're best friends.
[00:46:05] You're probably bumped in a couple of times.
[00:46:11] Yeah, if you're doing it in-character-esmic-beth.
[00:46:14] Oh my god, that is just a fantastic performance.
[00:46:22] What do you think getting into the fucking academy is, dude?
[00:46:27] If you want me to be a sub-tologist, you got to put it in the work.
[00:46:35] I'm telling you, it's the best possible infrastructure
[00:46:43] But don't they not believe in psychology at all?
[00:46:50] They'll suck all the Thetans out of the idea.
[00:46:52] They'll also operate as part of a system.
[00:46:55] So the emphasis on yourself kind of diminishes.
[00:46:58] Granted, they are taking some people and torturing them.
[00:47:03] And it's like, you kind of hope that that doesn't happen to you.
[00:47:08] You know, being complicit in an active torture.
[00:47:11] Some guy you don't know getting his nuts shocked.
[00:47:26] us walking on stage holding hands with David Niskindo.
[00:47:34] We've stopped possessing the ability to blink.
[00:47:46] They give us that Chinese fucking leg therapy and we-
[00:47:55] He took over for Elrond Hubbard and he's a psycho.
[00:48:15] He- I mean that makes so much sense, dude.
[00:48:17] No, leader of a cult being 5'1", of course he is.
[00:48:44] A powerful short man for you to look up to.
[00:48:53] Celebite.com is one of my favorite websites.
[00:48:56] Because there's all these people being like,
[00:49:07] to following him around and taking his shoes off.
[00:49:10] And I ran up and did it back to back selfie before.
[00:49:13] Did you see Nick that Osama bin Laden's son
[00:49:17] got married to Muhammad Ata's daughter?
[00:49:25] Yo, what about Saudi Arabia being like,
[00:49:35] Maybe I should move to Canada and bring it into my heart
[00:49:57] when United 93 with Nicholas Cage came out.
[00:50:20] why don't you put some underwear on your bitch?
[00:50:29] Some of the most comfortable fucking underwear
[00:50:41] Would it just end to sort of a mean-spirited life?
[00:51:02] trying to appeal to them in every which way.
[00:51:11] to reach these people would explain that
[00:51:17] Pretty fucking embarrassing to imagine,
[00:51:19] but they find your body with a pair of macwaldon underwear.
[00:51:26] so they'll suck the smell of death and sin on them.
[00:51:39] that's kind of what this shows about now.
[00:51:42] It's about being hard but soft in death.
[00:51:52] Perfing metaphor for us is the pooping your pants.
[00:51:55] I'm like, now that my dick doesn't work anymore,
[00:51:59] I've been sort of imagining it like a baseball manager.
[00:52:06] and like he's not particularly good at his job.
[00:52:08] But he still has a little bit of a love for the game.
[00:52:14] You still put a condom on your soft cotton.
[00:52:17] They're all they still just like most players.
[00:52:20] Spits sunflower seeds into a girl's pussy wall.
[00:52:45] you know, just just so that bitch adheres to the custody agreement.
[00:52:52] Because she knows you're not drinking if you're out there.
[00:52:58] And they got you know they got other shit too.
[00:53:00] Like some duffel bag thing I think I saw on there.
[00:53:21] Macwell.com and use promo code COMTOWN.
[00:53:31] And if you don't like it, you know, for whatever reason,
[00:53:39] There's a lot of things we wish we could
[00:53:46] Solve yourself of the shame and guilt you feel.
[00:53:51] and there'll be zero consequences for your actions.
[00:54:09] And he's like, okay, let me smell your balls.
[00:54:25] I just figured I'd go in and tell me the MRI.
[00:54:32] I have to get special insoles for my feet.
[00:54:38] Give me a little extra fucking half-face.
[00:54:45] And so he like kneeled down by my nuts.
[00:54:55] Because you haven't been showering on the same...
[00:54:57] but this time I was running late, I woke up.
[00:55:01] I was like, I'll just shower afterwards.
[00:55:05] I shower with one foot and I lean up against the wall.
[00:55:09] Yeah, you should get a railing, like a hand railing.
[00:55:16] No, you know what you should get is like...
[00:55:18] No, those commercials for old people that can't use stairs.
[00:55:21] So they have that chair that goes like...
[00:55:23] We already talked about two episodes ago.
[00:55:25] We said we should get it for his apartment.
[00:55:32] Have you guys ever had like a fucking real debilitating ass injury?
[00:55:47] but it was like any time I breathed in,
[00:55:50] It was like that for like a couple of months.
[00:55:54] I don't think I've ever broken anything.
[00:55:55] No, I don't think I've broken anything.
[00:55:58] I was playing a squash with my boy George Squash.
[00:56:12] How about Squash and it's your girlfriend?
[00:56:16] Indoor 10-1 foot 4 and the aspect ratio is thrown off.
[00:56:22] like you just do like a pitch shift on her voice
[00:56:27] Oh, she's all the way in the back of the squash thing.
[00:56:37] I'm just... I'm reaching for anything here.
[00:56:50] you know, if you want to use the show in any way,
[00:56:55] And like, that guy has plenty of products,
[00:56:58] you know, like he's going to do the fucking work.
[00:57:34] If you're in the DSA, you understand how it works.
[00:57:36] People get paid for the work that they do.
[00:57:45] You know, give Dasha a little piece of that.
[00:57:55] She was like, did you make fun of me for believing in the moon
[00:58:07] People are getting for believing in the moon.
[00:58:08] People are now making fun of me about that.
[00:58:15] She's like, you do understand that women's
[00:58:18] menstrual cycles are connected to the lunar cycle.
[00:58:22] That's a crock of horseshit, if you ask me.
[00:58:27] The moon happens once a month and so does the moon.
[00:58:31] The moon never only comes out every time.
[00:58:33] What did you pussy control the tides, too?
[00:58:37] There's a light inside the moon that turns dark and then...
[00:58:41] And on the back, the dark side, the dark side of the moon.
[00:58:52] I'm getting real into this like a delt.
[00:58:54] It's crazy that there was a time when like...
[00:58:56] People just didn't know what the moon was.
[00:58:58] And then somebody was like, I guess it's like a guy?
[00:59:00] I guess it's like probably like a guy that can...
[00:59:06] Him and the sun don't fucking get involved.
[00:59:11] Everyone's like, write this shit down, dude.
[00:59:12] This guy sounds like a scientist today.
[00:59:19] We should fucking get stoned and just make like...
[00:59:30] Actually, you have to ask that what it is.
[00:59:31] Write that up and try and pitch it as a show.
[00:59:38] Is that someone smokes weed and then does something.
[00:59:47] There's got to be some fucking somebody that was like...
[00:59:52] even after they were raping or whatever.
[00:59:55] It's so weird that like if Gavin McGinnis
[00:59:58] didn't get fired, he wouldn't be doing any of this shit, would he?
[01:00:08] Man, the fucking Proud Boys are so stupid looking.
[01:00:31] Either you support all races or you beat off.
[01:00:36] And that's where I'm starting the conversation.
[01:00:41] Dude, have you not beat off for a while?
[01:00:49] I beat off yesterday and I just came all over the floor
[01:00:58] Dude, some girl I was hooked up with a couple of years ago
[01:01:02] She'd be like, yeah, you just come on the...
[01:01:07] I felt like I was already in a place...
[01:01:11] quote unquote didn't get hard while beating off,
[01:01:23] As a guy who's had a lot of ups and downs
[01:01:25] with my little ass dick, I can tell you.
[01:01:43] He has to come in and fuck someone's wife
[01:01:48] So he's like, yeah, so we're getting this Dr. D to come in
[01:02:12] and then he like pulled it out and then they started fucking.
[01:02:22] So the increase you're spruity with the man.
[01:02:25] I don't mean it's a few people looking at porn anymore
[01:02:28] I haven't looked, I haven't like watched like a browser's
[01:02:33] Did Chatterbait kind of and contrived poor thing
[01:02:38] And it's like, you know, no, I'm still, I'm back.
[01:02:45] Yeah, something about it being live is like.
[01:02:48] I like it because there's a connection.
[01:02:54] That's why I like sending a dick pic is like,
[01:02:56] I know someone looked at my dick and that makes it more harder.
[01:02:59] But he said sometimes when you're watching Chatterbait
[01:03:01] and they're in like Columbia or whatever
[01:03:03] and you can tell they're just in like some fucking warehouse
[01:03:07] somewhere like in Chatterbait cubicles.
[01:03:12] It is kind of, I mean, I jack off to it obviously.
[01:03:19] No, I mean, I thought I recently actually
[01:03:22] that this porn star I used to watch all the time got AIDS.
[01:03:34] And oh, Naomi, she got the big ass with a huge ass.
[01:03:42] Yeah, in college, I used to jack off to her all the time.
[01:03:46] It's like, you know, blowing out your elbow.
[01:03:47] I was really sad that you just get to surgery
[01:03:53] That other girl killed herself earlier this year, August 8th.
[01:04:03] No, I mean, she was just like, um, she just said like,
[01:04:08] she tweeted that she was like pissed off
[01:04:10] that they wanted her to do a scene with a guy that
[01:04:16] And I guess, in terms of STD transmissions,
[01:04:21] you're at a higher risk if you're doing it with someone
[01:04:28] So she was trying to say like, it is funny how much that shit
[01:04:30] lines up with just like sin homophobia.
[01:04:33] Because it's like Christianity was taken
[01:04:38] Science, they were getting an asshole lick.
[01:04:43] And then, you know, AIDS rolls around in 1980s.
[01:04:48] And it's like, you know, and from the back of the pack,
[01:04:53] You know, like, just this photo finish in 1989
[01:04:57] when they're like, actually, it's because you're gay
[01:05:15] And considering that, it's like, you can't say we didn't do
[01:05:24] Those nightclubs generate a lot of pollution.
[01:05:27] There was a very clear policy decision they made.
[01:05:30] Letting hundreds of thousands of people die.
[01:05:32] You know how much water goes into make the body glitter?
[01:05:36] Yeah, so if you think Reagan did anything
[01:05:38] for the environment, letting gay guys die of AIDS,
[01:05:45] I just want to get to a place where I'm giving everyone the
[01:05:49] And that's what I have to believe about this world is that in his
[01:06:10] He had it and then said, what was his nickname?
[01:06:12] That was a real atom move, but I didn't know if that was real.
[01:06:17] I just didn't remember if that was his nickname.
[01:06:26] He played a famous Notre Dame football coach in a movie, Newt
[01:06:34] He said in the famous speech, win one for the gipper.
[01:06:40] He said that and then people started calling him the gipper when he became a win one.
[01:06:43] So in the movie, it still doesn't have an explanation.
[01:06:45] In the movie, he just calls himself the gipper?
[01:06:47] I think no, I think that's his nickname or something.
[01:06:50] So he's like, come on guys, win it for me.
[01:06:53] Well, it's also, his nickname still doesn't have an origin.
[01:06:56] It's still just like, ah, it's a thing he said one time.
[01:07:01] No, this is like when George tried to be a T-bone.
[01:07:12] You're gonna get way higher than an African woman named Coco, so that they can't call
[01:07:21] Yeah, George gets in his head that he wants his nickname to be T-bone.
[01:07:27] You like, gave somebody else a nickname?
[01:07:30] And then, yeah, and then they start calling him Coco.
[01:07:33] Is everything against like, Hot Tri camera?
[01:07:38] Makes a point of bringing around this like African woman named Coco.
[01:07:45] And then I think they start calling her T-bone.
[01:07:56] Almost getting the fucking Marissa Romay.
[01:08:10] Just seeing those ugly Jewish men fucking this time.
[01:08:11] I thought Clarissa explains it all, but it's Clarissa gives brains at all.
[01:08:26] What about Full House, but it's Full Ass?
[01:08:30] Ferguson named after Ferguson, Missouri?
[01:08:37] Imagine how, like by chance, SNL wrote the character, Turd Ferguson, after those riots.
[01:08:48] The riots happened and then it's the Turd Ferguson.
[01:08:50] I mean, obviously it wouldn't happen that way, but what if, you know?
[01:08:55] What if is a question that produces all the comedy we do on the show?
[01:09:03] We filled that about Cook Waterfall diarrhea and we threw it at a blind.
[01:09:35] John Ramsey used to have a joke about Russian history and diarrhea.
[01:09:41] Maybe there's a pun in there somewhere.
[01:10:01] I'm just trying to push it on the board.
[01:10:07] Look, this is what being a comedy writer is.
[01:10:11] Just getting fatt as hell off snacks, saying dumb shit.
[01:10:13] You were happy with me for so much money.
[01:10:16] I was thinking about that the other day.
[01:10:18] I looked at pictures of myself and I looked like absolute shit.
[01:10:23] you don't have bad or do you look that bad you just have like love you just
[01:10:26] have body just more for you know i got a lot of it
[01:10:28] i was literally fifty pounds heavier than i am now yeah i guess you know
[01:10:32] right maybe you were fed i don't know if i was fat as shit but uh...
[01:10:38] no i was just do that you just make yourself a piece of shit yeah like the
[01:10:41] inside matches the outside it's great and you feel good you feel great dude
[01:10:46] honestly heaven i was thinking about this heaven would literally be just on
[01:10:51] this couch getting seamless you just don't get that fat
[01:10:54] and then a girl would come over once every three weeks but
[01:10:57] if i could just hang out with my boys porta party tov cocktail porta party
[01:11:01] tov cottie tov cottie tov is the is the two pottie tov cottie tov cottie
[01:11:04] i can do better than that yeah let's go it's close
[01:11:08] yeah dude i think like just have a would be just eating shit like playing video
[01:11:14] that's the problem with that lifestyle uh-huh you just get fattish it you feel
[01:11:17] horrible uh-huh but the actual times you're doing it feels awesome dude
[01:11:22] i feel like i would like to be a horse or something just a wild horse just running
[01:11:34] we should ride a horse just a winged horse
[01:11:37] don't be right horses and that's what's in my heart uh... it could be that
[01:11:41] be amazing just come up over a vista with your winged ass horse yeah yeah yeah
[01:11:46] and then you could do battle that was horses are
[01:11:49] horses were brought to north america domesticated
[01:11:57] previously domestic animals that have adapted it's like a piece of meat you
[01:12:01] already defrosted and you put back in the freezer exactly
[01:12:07] have you ever been where's a wild horse from as a teak island now
[01:12:11] where's wild horses from the ocean city
[01:12:27] i think all of europe i don't know i have no
[01:12:31] and a rabian horses a type of horse yeah
[01:12:37] you know that for a red sword redemption which the sequel is coming out
[01:12:39] which is funny there's a couple of people there like
[01:12:41] come on dog you gotta just hang out at least a red dead production to and it's
[01:12:48] what is it's like clean eastwood video game
[01:12:50] it's good basically grand theft of the war yeah it's good as shit
[01:12:53] it's really good western yes western the theme is like that he's like the last
[01:12:58] cowboy basically he's like lives in this like town where
[01:13:02] industrialization is coming so they're like just
[01:13:05] you know he's got to like kill off the old members of his gang but
[01:13:13] wait i don't remember scalping i think you do yeah it's oh yeah that's right
[01:13:17] can you read it's like wild you're like what now that game that game is still
[01:13:20] rap in it and yeah oh whoa no because you can uh there was i remember there was
[01:13:25] an xbox achievement for tying a woman up and putting on the train tracks
[01:13:29] oh you're all gilling man you know last so dude i
[01:13:33] i got high in my apartment there's so like the last area in the game is this
[01:13:37] like uh like industrialized town or whatever there's like a car and the
[01:13:42] train comes through and stuff and uh and uh there's like a saloon where there's
[01:13:47] like a poker game going on and one of the people playing the poker
[01:13:51] game is like uh one of those like uh i guess like boxer rebellion style
[01:13:57] chinese guys oh hell yeah like you know yeah like a
[01:14:00] celestial or whatever and i switched to the uh
[01:14:05] to the uh like just fists and i like shoved them and you can like shove people
[01:14:09] i shoved them all the way out of the saloon to like the edge of town and
[01:14:13] count a cliff and it took like an hour but it was like
[01:14:19] so sad as yeah shoved that chinese guy all the way to the edge of the town
[01:14:25] i just didn't want to shoot him yeah i thought i'd be fine
[01:14:28] i thought i'd be funnier than just shove on him why did he stick up for himself
[01:14:31] that would be not built into his ai sometimes they do sometimes they fight
[01:14:34] you and other why other times you can just keep shoving them but he was just
[01:14:37] a stoic he's just sat there taking it yeah yeah it's kind of beautiful
[01:14:41] it is beautiful you know what else will be beautiful
[01:14:43] chilling seeing our friend nicolas maulin at caroline oh this weekend this
[01:14:48] weekend folks go see nick tomorrow tomorrow it'll be wednesday
[01:14:52] yeah tomorrow friday and saturday night that's right
[01:14:56] shows friday two shows saturday go support our boy we we all want to hit the road
[01:15:01] together and alone doing stand-up so buy tickets these are that's big for us
[01:15:05] uh... will also be in baltimore the next sunday sunday this sunday the
[01:15:10] twelfth at the autobar please buy tickets to that
[01:15:14] i will also be pleased by tickets to these i'm in charlotte's will in the
[01:15:16] seventeenth if you're in virginia or surrounding areas please buy tickets
[01:15:20] to that and i'm in baltimore doing a fun asher with my little brother george
[01:15:24] at judgy art by judgy dz o dz i e he's doing a gallery opening it was
[01:15:30] awesome weird fucked up paintings and i am doing a stand-up show at eight o'clock
[01:15:34] and we're also just gonna hang out and get fucked up
[01:15:36] on the eighteenth at my friend's brewery suspended brewery
[01:15:40] uh... spend a very company come up to that and then i'm back in filley on the
[01:15:43] nineteenth uh... good good comedy theater i'm trying to sell out three shows again
[01:15:47] i'm not flaking this time i'll be there in a damn walking boot
[01:15:51] uh... so those are the ones coming up and then we are together as a unit back
[01:15:57] live pod four twenty p m as part of the exit on comin festival shuts out
[01:16:01] ramon and then we're in boston on the third
[01:16:05] um as part of the boston comedy festival we're doing a live one there and i will
[01:16:09] be in fairfield can etiquette on the seventh
[01:16:12] um so yeah everybody and then more dates coming up after that but those are the
[01:16:17] recent right now and then you go to stavi dot biz sta vv y dot biz
[01:16:23] i have my dates and then also live come down links to live come down one so if
[01:16:27] you want to get those all and funny moms on
[01:16:32] is scheduled for the thirteenth it's not going to be happening we have to
[01:16:36] cancel this week as we're gonna be in baltimore
[01:16:39] nix again uh... we're gonna be out of town i'm gonna stay in baltimore to get a
[01:16:42] fucking second of the town nix gonna be in l.a. so we have to cancel it but
[01:16:46] we will be back on the twenty what is it i want to say the twenty seventh
[01:16:55] okay so the next funny mom's is the twenty seventh
[01:16:58] um sorry uh that we had to cancel it kind of came up we
[01:17:03] realized this yesterday but um yeah we'll see you on the 27th and if not we'll
[01:17:08] see you in baltimore if not i'll see you carolines
[01:17:10] yes bitch come out come out and come get you're not sucked