Cum Town | Regular | 11/08/2018
[00:00:00] Pussy. Hi, I'm Gay Act and Michael Douglas. Rayner disease is a very serious condition.
[00:00:09] That's not a real disease, Michael. Pussy disease. How about Rayner disease? Rayner
[00:00:14] is it? Rayner? What about Mount Rayner disease? Mount Rayner disease is a serious condition
[00:00:20] affecting children who don't fuck. If you have a child that isn't getting his dick
[00:00:28] suck. Children who don't like to make love can't wait to make love. I'm Gay actor Michael
[00:00:34] Douglas. If there's one thing I love more than making love is raising money for the
[00:00:39] victims of Hurricane Maria. Gay actor Michael Douglas, good to see you, man.
[00:00:47] Welcome back, Mike. Hi, I'm Gay actor Christopher Walken. Now we tried that already. Yeah,
[00:00:54] it doesn't. Who are other guys? It's better with Michael's. Some things get stuck in my
[00:00:58] craw. Like my nuts. You already said this last time. Guess what? Guess what? Suck our
[00:01:08] fat nuts. We're doing all we're doing all Michael Gay, Michael Douglas. We got mad
[00:01:13] they were like the San Frangelico bit is the lowest effort bit. Well, guess what you're
[00:01:20] about to get for an hour mother fuckers. Oh, you just started listening to the show.
[00:01:26] That's interesting. I've been here for a minute now. I've been listening to show Jesus, maybe
[00:01:33] two or three weeks. Long time listener. Yeah, I guess that means you're a fucking idiot
[00:01:43] because we love it and we're smart. Yeah. Unlike you fucking morons. They call me John
[00:01:49] the genius. Oh, yeah. Genius John, John Glee Dick, John the Glee Dick Johnny, Jiggly Dick
[00:01:55] Johnny, the genius Johnny. Jiggly Dick would be pretty funny. Yeah, jiggly. What like it's
[00:02:06] Diggly Dick. So come my dick and lick my little nuts. It's a super Tuesday election day.
[00:02:15] No, the company. That means Marty Groh. That's right. I went with the little black shit on
[00:02:21] my forehead. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Super Tuesday. Shit. Yeah. Some guy outside the point place
[00:02:29] gave just smeared some stuff. It's mostly a lot like diarrhea. Gash Wednesday, right?
[00:02:34] It's period blood on your head. Gash Wednesday. Yeah. That's when I get that's when every boy
[00:02:39] gets his red wings. When I was 11 years old, dude, my first red wings, the priest let you
[00:02:45] eat his wife's pussy. Yeah. He had periods. Is that only Catholic or do the East? No,
[00:02:50] that's Greek Orthodox. Do they do do they do? Gash Wednesday. Gash Wednesday. Yeah. Do
[00:02:56] you guys do that as well? We do gash Wednesday. What is it? You put your head in a pussy. You
[00:03:00] eat the priest's wife's. Greek Orthodox does everything the Catholics do except the priests
[00:03:04] are wild to have sex with us. No, they have a lot of wives openly allowed to fuck. They
[00:03:10] don't have to whisper exactly. That's how you become a bishop. If you're fucking enough
[00:03:16] boys, they have better outfits. Oh, we have much better outfits. They got some real stage
[00:03:22] craft in the Greek or church. Yeah. We even our shittiest churches look like the Vatican,
[00:03:26] dude. We got a lot of nice beautiful robes. We got a lot of shit. The Vatican. Yeah,
[00:03:32] we. Yeah, fuck the Vatican. Vatican little gold plated gay sex arena. Yeah. Our priests
[00:03:39] have sex with their fucking ugly wives. Thank you very much. That's how we're not that's
[00:03:44] why we're not molesting. Do you know how much how much effort it takes to get Greek people
[00:03:48] not to molest children? The Greek Orthodox church has figured that out somehow because
[00:03:53] you get some fucking fugly ass priest wife pussy for the rest of your life. And that makes
[00:03:59] you not molest. And that makes you not molest. There was one one time they sent us many days
[00:04:03] has it been since the last molestation. We have a big board outside. Yeah, like an effect
[00:04:08] or yeah. Yeah. And it still says days since last accident. Yeah. Oops. You know, what am
[00:04:15] I going to do? You come around here with these nice beautiful bat cheeks. Oops. Today's
[00:04:20] my lack of anything on a Donnie got me show to be like you. You should just do or just
[00:04:25] only speak Greek on the podcast. Thanks a lot. A lot of people don't know. But 2019 is the
[00:04:31] final year of come town. To the left. Yeah. To come town. There's words. We're told
[00:04:37] this is going on beyond December 2019. As we're told in the process, I can't imagine
[00:04:44] that if we all became Adam's age and we were still doing a podcast. This is a lot of the
[00:04:50] call base. Same age. Just skip the name of the car. Then he must have the team. He's
[00:04:55] the only key. I'm a lot. My mother. My little polymy grip. What's your policy here? My
[00:04:59] little car. We believe my lack of it. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know. Scott
[00:05:10] said no, I trust me. I know a little bit of Greek. Oh, you picked up some Greek? Yeah.
[00:05:15] This guy sent me some steel mistakes. I'll go to Greek a little bit. You know, I like
[00:05:20] to meet a girl down at the bar. Maybe saddle up to her and slay a little mandarin Chinese.
[00:05:26] Yeah. That might be stuff. Hey, what's up? What's up? Good chicken? What's up? Chicken
[00:05:32] lips? You say that's a Chinese girl in a bar. I don't see any girl in a bar. Any girl.
[00:05:37] Yeah. Why don't you try this song for size? I've been going. She's like, Oh my God, is
[00:05:42] that is that Spanish? Yeah, the language of love. Yeah. Right. Spanish is a language
[00:05:52] love. Chinese is a language of coming in your pants. Yeah. Chinese is the language. The only
[00:05:58] reason you don't rape is because you came in your pants.
[00:06:06] Oh, God. Imagine we get like money from the Chinese government, like $200 million to make
[00:06:15] like the perfect Chinese comedy. We already have me and they can't. Yeah. You guys already
[00:06:19] got that. I can't wait. I can't wait to be a business, a Chinese businessman. Oh, hell
[00:06:24] yeah. Dude, because my move after this show ends, what you fucking idiots think I'm going
[00:06:28] to be living in poverty, incorrect Chinese import export. I'm going over there, you know,
[00:06:35] fucking pornography because they're going to want that. They're going to want a nice white
[00:06:39] pussy over there. I'm going to sell weed and porn. Yeah.
[00:06:45] Oh, yeah. And exchange a weed beer is cigarettes delivery service. You're stealing those guys
[00:06:54] are going to sue you, man. Hey, what the hell? This is too old ass wiggers. My movie called
[00:07:03] The Last King of China. It's about the white man that went over there and dared to be an
[00:07:08] entrepreneur. I used to follow this Instagram account, which was like a bunch of Dominican
[00:07:13] guys in the Bronx that ran like a frosty alcoholic drink delivery service. Hell yeah. So half
[00:07:19] of it was just memes from black Twitter and the other half was them trying to hustle these
[00:07:22] frosty drinks. And then they eventually all got a rest. It was a good ride. It was a good
[00:07:29] fall. I would love a nice about busty the snowman.
[00:07:32] Yeah. And he's like, you know, the kid, he's made a come the kid puts the turns into a
[00:07:37] pot. Well, the kid puts the hat on him. And then he comes alive and he's just the dad's
[00:07:47] like running out of the house and trying to take the hat off the stuff. The kids just
[00:07:55] The kids just horrified being covered in semen is the dad's Michael, my magical hat. Don't
[00:08:03] put it on the show. Oh, it's the dad's Richard. I told you to get rid of that hat. So wait,
[00:08:11] does that work on any inanimate? Yeah, you put it on a garage like a fucking fridge and
[00:08:17] starts busting. It was the dad's magical top ads that made him come. And the sun founded
[00:08:25] and brought it outside and put it on the snowman. He started just busting nuts all over the
[00:08:32] kid's face. And then the dad ran outside. Now, would there be a snowcock or would it
[00:08:38] be the carrot? It's a carrot, obviously. Oh, it's from his face. Yeah. It's coming out
[00:08:43] as a kid could reach up to put it on the nose. That's a great bit in dumb and dumber way.
[00:08:50] Steve, you make snowcock. Yeah. Classic classic. The fair, I just watched Joe's apartment again
[00:08:57] today. Oh, really? Yeah, classic. Smash it. Yeah. Which Joe's apartment? His apartment
[00:09:02] was an MTV movie where Jerry O'Connell plays a guy that moves to a shitty apartment in
[00:09:07] New York. And that is yeah, that is nice. That's the whole movie. That rock. Now there's
[00:09:12] a girl that he likes. And then does he get the cheeks? Not really. No. Yeah. And then
[00:09:20] there's like her dad's like an evil rich guy. And then she's like, we got a foil is planned
[00:09:24] to build a prison. And then he just sort of is like, okay, I won't build the prison.
[00:09:28] They don't really do. Were they going to build a prison in this shitty apartment? No, it's
[00:09:32] like one of the most lazily written. And that's out to Jerry, though. Yeah. But he works for
[00:09:39] a pizza delivery place called Ratarto's Pizza. That's awesome. Which when I was eight, I
[00:09:43] thought was I mean, that's still the funniest, the funniest goddamn thing. Yeah. And the girl
[00:09:49] that he likes, she has a garden and he's like trying to figure out how to impress her. And
[00:09:53] he just it's like has a flashback of her being like, we do need fertilizer for the garden.
[00:09:58] So he shits in the garden. And then he goes around New York City picking up just shit.
[00:10:02] Nice. And he has, he's carrying a big bag of shit on the bus. That's awesome. People
[00:10:07] are like, Oh, you know, they're like, P you or whatever. And Jerry O'Connell has just
[00:10:11] a trash bag filled with shit. That's a good guy. That's pretty good. I'm giving that.
[00:10:18] He drives past the garden and he sees the girl like kissing her dad who he confuses for her
[00:10:23] boyfriend. And then the shit is just gone. What? Yeah, he never brings it with a show.
[00:10:29] It's just all for that. So awesome. Yeah. Yeah. We should make a movie like that. Yeah.
[00:10:34] No, it's it's pretty tight. We'll call it Stavros's apartment. Stop the apartment. We
[00:10:40] had an idea for a movie where it's like a. But I fuck the barrel in mine. It's a suspense
[00:10:45] movie. And there's a skyscraper. It's a hostage situation. Okay. There's a guy in there and
[00:10:50] he's got 20 people in there and he's threatening to use the N word. Yeah. This summer. This summer.
[00:10:57] Chief, I think that I think that guy's going to say it in. He's not going to say it. We
[00:11:01] will not let him say. I know. Stop not another word. We have the building surrounded. He's
[00:11:07] covered in red dogs with your hands up. Yeah. I think that man's going to use the N word.
[00:11:15] Chief. My wife is pregnant with her son and he's retarded. G.
[00:11:26] And Zolamis stars. Lorenzo would knock that out of the park. Starring Lorenzo Lamas.
[00:11:35] In his return. James Remar. Reginald Val Johnson. Who also been that? Goddamn it.
[00:11:43] It's the movie. The movie is just die hard. Yeah. It's die hard with the end die hard,
[00:11:50] but it's German terrorists take over a building to say the N word. And before you excuse me
[00:11:57] of doing a low effort bit, I'll remind you that that was the plot of die hard to. That's
[00:12:03] so true. Is that John Ham or whatever the characters John, John, John, John, John. Yeah,
[00:12:10] Mackintosh has to go to Harlem and wear the N word around to prove that whites are tougher
[00:12:16] than blacks. Yeah, that's the whole movie. The blacks are cowards. Yeah. That they are
[00:12:21] never. Yeah. One man finally has the courage to do what we all want to do to wear the word
[00:12:28] on a side to wear an N word sandwich board. Walk around Malcolm X bull the fart. The most
[00:12:34] dangerous neighborhood in the entire world. Yeah, just this gentrified ass Harlem. Harlem.
[00:12:43] The Nate where no one should go ever unless they belong. A beautiful neighborhood. But
[00:12:51] it happens to be filled with I was working a job in Harlem a couple years ago. There was
[00:12:55] some black church and like, you know, how like they have like part of the sermon outside
[00:12:59] of the fucking board. Some it's like every Tom God smiles. He opens up a mailbox, you
[00:13:06] know, like when you know, yeah, you know, yeah, yeah, not a sermon, just a message. Right,
[00:13:12] right. You know, kind of the deals, but it's a black church. So it was like, it's like
[00:13:18] in damnation to all the homosexual gentrifyers. Hell, yes, dude. I love the idea of a holy
[00:13:27] war against gay guys moving into your neighborhood and raising the property value. Dude, they're
[00:13:32] at the vanguard of gentrification, those guys. That is true. The artsy fart. See, yes, they
[00:13:39] always get in early. Yeah, chief, they get off on the day. Something's changing in the
[00:13:44] neighborhood. Yes, Jeff Goldblum, trying to explain gentrification of the black president.
[00:13:49] I run tests and you're going to want to see perhaps what the spit it out. God damn it.
[00:14:02] Data might there's not going to be any more black people. They're replacing. I thought
[00:14:07] you said this was bad news. They're replacing the blacks with with gay man. Oh my God. Oh
[00:14:13] my God. My David, a poor shake. The president doesn't care what my David has to say about
[00:14:20] this. David, you predicted the the Korean people would be racist if we looked at my
[00:14:25] call of sauce. But now no one listens on. He won the Nobel Prize for predicting the
[00:14:33] Today isn't just a day we fight aliens. It's a day we remember that gays are just as guilty
[00:14:43] as straight white men. When it comes, no, let me do this speech. Look, I'll fight the
[00:14:50] aliens. It's bigger than I said. Let us get to this. As a white man, we'd have to
[00:14:54] have a lot to become president. I just want to give me at least talk just about how gays
[00:14:59] are real quick and white women too. And even you know what Hispanic women, there's a lot
[00:15:05] of people. Those white Cuban bitches really got away from white men that have ruined this
[00:15:11] way. Now there's literally aliens here and I can see this dyke bitch up front shaking
[00:15:16] her head at me. This is not your independence day. It's our independence day. And I'll remind
[00:15:24] you that white men made America. Obviously there were slaves. I know there were slaves.
[00:15:32] But who who came up with the uniform? Who was the drummer boy who came up with all the
[00:15:39] songs they sang during the battles where the slaves that antecedo and he come. You know,
[00:15:47] I don't remember what it was. Anyway, look, the aliens are here. I'm just saying fuck
[00:15:51] the aliens. But let's just come here. Just apologize to white men. We have five minutes
[00:15:56] where we apologize. God damn it. He's blowing. You get unite people. There's
[00:16:06] aliens literally aliens. The New York Times president Trump uses alien fight speech to
[00:16:12] address illegal immigrants. He's done the only invasion. Right. President Trump is
[00:16:21] using speech prior to attacking the alien invaders to address mean tweets sent to him
[00:16:28] by Rosie O'Donnell. Look, I'll get in the spaceship in a second. I'm just saying she's
[00:16:34] a pig. She probably she probably signaled the aliens to come here. I don't know. People
[00:16:41] are saying it. I was some Obama couldn't stop the aliens. Nothing to stop the aliens.
[00:16:49] Did you? I saw a clip. I saw a clip where he was like, and the Democrat plane is going
[00:16:55] to tear down Obamacare. And there's like, which is good, but they're going to only take the
[00:17:01] bad parts. It was fucking hilarious. But they're going to leave the bad part. He literally said,
[00:17:09] they're going to leave the bad. Democrats are trying to get rid of the pre existing
[00:17:14] conditions protection. He rocks. He just says, what just does not matter what the truth is.
[00:17:21] Yeah. Well, it's so funny because everyone else like that's like trying like trying
[00:17:25] to do it. But then like the guy in Florida tried to do the guy that got called out for
[00:17:30] being a racist to say. Yeah. Yeah. And then they were just like, dude, you can't lie.
[00:17:35] And he's like, I'm really sorry. They don't have that retort swag. Exactly. Like, all
[00:17:39] the guys try to try to like put live live like in his shoes. I can't do it. Yeah. That's
[00:17:45] not as powerful as Trump. They haven't paid for enough abortions, dude. They haven't looked
[00:17:49] enough fucking cocktail waitress in the eye and said that wasn't me. I didn't I was I
[00:17:55] didn't bust a new I've never had sex. I'm a virgin. I've never even had sex. Look, today
[00:18:03] isn't just single to my folks. I'd never raped this woman. She's too ugly. Yeah. Anyway,
[00:18:12] we didn't vote the three of us because it's important for us to remain objective because
[00:18:16] our podcast is like the news as news cast as broadcasters. You can't know if we are well,
[00:18:22] I wrote in I wrote in Harambee. I read Harambee. I was like, I wrote in Brandon Wardell and
[00:18:28] Harambee. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get the same shit. Because that shit's so fucking funny
[00:18:32] that you think that's for Harambee is so funny. Brandon said that's me this weekend. He was
[00:18:36] like, I think I'm finally like over. Oh, man. He's like, I think I'm finally pasted in my
[00:18:42] career. Awesome. Let's bring it back right now. Yeah. I wrote in Dix after Harambee. Yeah.
[00:18:52] Danny Trejo Dix after Harambee. And I voted for Kefefee for this. Yeah.
[00:19:00] Hell yeah. Yeah. Funny right ins is the best way to participate in the democratic process.
[00:19:09] My uncle and my cousin in Australia was saying that everyone has to vote. It's compulsory.
[00:19:14] It's compulsory. You pay a fine if you don't vote. So everyone does funny right ins if
[00:19:19] they don't want to vote. Oh, nice. So they draw like a cock or something. That's pretty
[00:19:23] fun. Yeah. Yeah. You can do that. That's Greece is the same thing. I think it is pretty pathetic
[00:19:27] to go to a polling place, wait in line for 45 minutes just to write in Harambee. No, that's
[00:19:33] like school. Imagine waiting four hours to do your Harambee post on Snapchat. Those ballots
[00:19:40] in Chinatown are aware is are they in Chinese? They're all in Chinese. That rocks, dude.
[00:19:47] There's yeah, they're all the working families. I had a nice little day back in the trap today.
[00:19:52] You're still registered there? Yeah. That's great. You should never change it. Yeah, of
[00:19:56] course. The swing state Chinatown. Yeah. Well, it's like flyers and like little signs or
[00:20:05] whatever for like, you know, guys that clearly do not speak a word of Chinese. And then it's
[00:20:13] just them smiling and it's just all in Chinese. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's their name in Chinese
[00:20:18] like 28 19. Yeah, the fuck you heard is. Yeah, dude. Who'd you vote for, dude? I don't know.
[00:20:25] It's all in Chinese. I voted in some fucked up like nursing home, like around the corner
[00:20:31] from here on green. You get any old stuff like shit, dude. It's smelled like straight
[00:20:36] up feces. You get any old people living feces? What do you get any old lady? Hell yeah, I
[00:20:41] got pussy. Old ladies. Yeah, I saw that bold lady. Yeah, and be bold. And what being bold
[00:20:49] to me means is living your life to the gate to the fullest extent possible left to the
[00:20:56] gate and the case to try to be bold. You know, I like to have the gayest. You're out at bars
[00:21:05] meeting got meeting people for meetings when you're in the boardroom and when you're in
[00:21:11] the bedroom or the boardroom. And my dad always said to me, Wyatt, please stop doing that
[00:21:18] for me. Yes. A firm handshake. Why nothing squeeze why it might be too late for the voice.
[00:21:27] But we can do something about your risk. I thought maybe it would could it would drop
[00:21:33] at some point. Then lo and behold, here comes your 22nd birthday. You still sound like
[00:21:39] that. So my dad said be bold. I can't wait until why it is just I'm going to have the
[00:21:48] I'm gonna have a son that's gay Garfield. Fuck my cheeks. Damn, what do you guys think?
[00:21:59] You think we think we're gonna get a nice turnout this fucking who's gonna win? I think
[00:22:04] are we gonna be a nice blue wave? They would be great. No, the exact opposite happens. Red
[00:22:10] wave. It would be wild. Yeah. That just somehow keeps winning somehow. Dude, the the his guys
[00:22:17] loves it. Is it 35 seats or upper 35? There's a difference in like 30, I think, seven seats
[00:22:30] in the house that the Democrats need to make up. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's 27. Yeah. It
[00:22:37] looks like the Democrats might win the house. That'll be sweet. That'd be something. It would
[00:22:43] be very funny. I mean, it would be funny. If things just if things horrible, I mean,
[00:22:49] it would be horrible. If you just had like a filler buster proof majority. Do you think
[00:22:54] five repose? Do you think like the French resistance was this obnoxious? Like people
[00:22:58] in France were like these people. Oh, you're talking about like during the war? Like, yeah,
[00:23:05] the war. You have the war. They were like, look, I hate the Nazis. Also, I'm not a fucking
[00:23:11] anti-Semite, but these resistance people. Yeah, they're like, I'm a nasty woman. Yeah.
[00:23:27] Damn. I can't remember on election night. I was I was with Will from choppa and right after
[00:23:36] your name drops. Sam. What right after you know, will the choppa? Damn, dude. You know
[00:23:41] that guy. Everyone's everyone's face was like, just look like politics genius. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:23:47] Politics adjacent. You you you said I have a number. So good at voting. Dude. Anyway,
[00:23:53] could you tell him I said hi? That's like the funny thing about you go to vote and it's
[00:23:58] just like that's what all of this amounts to like all. Yeah. Well, you know, all of the
[00:24:06] posturing everyone. I mean, you know, this is a specific to Brooklyn or whatever. Like
[00:24:11] our friends being like a media person or a fucking Twitter person. All the political
[00:24:16] posturing, which is not activism. No, it's it's just yeah, getting on Twitter and having
[00:24:22] opinions about people vote so they could be smart. And then it yeah. And then it the end
[00:24:27] of that is going into an elementary school and being like, I don't know, I guess this
[00:24:32] And in New York, it wasn't like there was anything really up there. There's nothing to vote for
[00:24:36] except for the court does already want. Yeah. Wait, there's three questions and then and
[00:24:40] then are you dead? Yeah. Lateach, Lateach, Lateach Johnson. Hell, yeah. That is not my
[00:24:47] job. That is not my job. It's your campaign. So, yeah, shouts out to Tish. Mm hmm. That
[00:24:55] is not my job. Yeah, I don't know. Whatever. Who cares? So you you were hanging out with
[00:25:02] Oh, no. Yeah. We'll say it was so funny. You know that picture like a France right after
[00:25:07] the Nazis took over. Hold on. What? I gotta start using a timer rather. Oh, yeah, we got
[00:25:12] that. Yeah. Well, we don't have an ad. I've just been gambling a lot. Oh, what's been
[00:25:18] going on? Yeah, we don't have anymore as we've just been gambling. Yeah. In fact, I didn't
[00:25:22] vote. I just went on bet. What's bet? The aside.com. It's this. It's this. They've been
[00:25:27] paying out winners. I love those. Those commercials. It's for like shit that fucking
[00:25:32] whores by or whatever. Candles or you know, yogurt. And like it'll be like four bitches
[00:25:39] coming in the house probably from what their husband's bank account. Yeah, dude from shot
[00:25:46] taking his credit card to shop. They're pussy to wear the shopping place to buy underwear
[00:25:53] for your pussy. And they come in and then one of them will be like, what the what the
[00:25:57] hell is that? What the fuck is that fucking bitch? What the fuck are you drinking? You
[00:26:04] dumb. What the fuck is that plugged into the wall? It doesn't go anywhere. There's no
[00:26:08] cord to it. What the fuck? It smells good. But what the fuck is that? You fucking slut.
[00:26:16] She's like, it's a glade. It's a great, great blunder. And then they're all like, ha,
[00:26:23] ha, plug it in, plug it in. And then they're all friends with each other. Yeah. Anyways,
[00:26:28] that's kind of like doing that. That's what the size. Yeah. You know, bet the aside is
[00:26:33] like the fellas version of that. So we all come in from guess what the strip club where
[00:26:37] you allowed to touch. Oh, yeah. You know, put your fingers in the pussy while walking
[00:26:41] to the department where laughing, throwing her heads back, like, each other's fingers.
[00:26:46] Yeah. And each other's asses. Yeah. That's so funny. I went to middle school with that
[00:26:51] bitch. Yeah. And now she's addicted to heroin. She's addicted to heroin. She was like $15.
[00:26:56] She's living in a Chrysler minivan in a fucking town in country. Neither of those places she's
[00:27:03] allowed in anymore. It's been banned from both town and country. It is now handing out 50
[00:27:11] cent fingerings. I come in with my own menu laminated. You got a price sheet. You made
[00:27:21] your own. I made my own. And then we come anyways, all of this has happened. We come
[00:27:25] back in the apartment. And we say, then somebody's like, what the fuck is that on your laptop?
[00:27:31] And then I was like, Oh, nothing. And I minimized the child porn. And then it's Becky.
[00:27:36] Yeah. You're like, no, the first thing. Shut the fuck up and shut up. It's a great website
[00:27:44] that best we were asking about. It's a great website with an easy to use mobile interface.
[00:27:51] You know what that is? Like the can I see your phone? Yeah. And you have child porn
[00:27:55] on you X that out real quick. Yeah. But hold it under that is for my phone is child. Yeah.
[00:28:00] I had a custom child. I made a month. I don't know how that got there. My phone must have
[00:28:07] fallen and it picked it up off the ground. Anyways, easy to use mobile playing a fucking
[00:28:16] app or whatever. Yep. In-game wagering. You can download the app and they got live in-game
[00:28:21] wagering and they got an easy to use app that you can download wherever the fucking
[00:28:25] or downloading. You will be any one of the any many places. So many places that you've
[00:28:31] even considered downloading. If you can download shit, you can get the fucking app.
[00:28:35] You get the best. Yes. I am. And you sign up and guess what guys? They got live in-game
[00:28:40] wagering. Yeah. I know you're saying to yourself, well, what else they got besides that award-winning
[00:28:51] mobile app, well, they got live in-game wagering. They have live in-game. What does that mean?
[00:28:56] It means you're in the game, right? You're in the zone. The be gay sports. Yeah, right.
[00:29:01] It's being gay. You're in the game and you want to wager something live. Guess what?
[00:29:06] You do that in the game. Press a couple of lives you don't fucking idiot. That's all
[00:29:10] you have to do. You don't understand it. Don't ask me. Call up the 24-7 award-winning customer
[00:29:16] service. They got award-winning live in-game wagering. They have award-winning downloading
[00:29:23] of their app. Yeah. They're award-winning mobile customer service. You can call anytime
[00:29:29] from any type of mobile cellular device. They have a great cellular app in which you can
[00:29:36] dial live in-game wagering. Anytime your heart desires 24 days of the week, 7 days a year.
[00:29:45] Yep. And we got some fucking absolute picks for you.
[00:29:51] Hey, tell you what, guys, if you go to Bette SI and you sign up now, you get a free pair
[00:29:56] of saying, you'd say- No, no, no. Well, you don't get sales. They give you some money
[00:30:06] or some shit. All right, hold on. This just said, the sandals offer, sorry, guys. They're
[00:30:10] already gave out all the sandals. They're all gone. That's how many people have downloaded.
[00:30:14] Seven people have signed up on Bette SI.com using promo code the sandals. No, no, no.
[00:30:20] It's not promo code the sandals using promo code CUM120. That's right. That is- Which is
[00:30:26] pronounced sandals 120. That is why you am CUM120. No, just CUM120. Yep. And hold on
[00:30:35] here. We got a little bit of a change of Reno in terms of, I forgot that Rob told me
[00:30:42] I was reading that bonus shit completely wrong. What? Well, that's okay. I don't think- Oh,
[00:30:52] wait, hold on. Uh-oh. They also offer odds on pretty much everything else. Everything
[00:30:57] else, man. Sports. Sports is fucking sports politics, reality TV. Yep. That's pretty much
[00:31:03] everything. That's pretty much everything you fucking idiots. Yeah. They got a great mobile
[00:31:07] lap and they offer live in game. What do you guys betting on this week? Honestly, dude,
[00:31:17] what I'm betting on, man. Fucking the Ravens are off. So I don't even know. But I take
[00:31:24] the box, dude. I would also take France to win the Cirque du Soleil. Mm-hmm. I got a
[00:31:30] good feeling about perennial favorite France. Yeah. Yep. That's right. Coming in hot off
[00:31:35] the World Cup. Yes, that's correct. That was what? Three weeks ago? Yeah. Yeah. It's
[00:31:41] just something like that. Mm-hmm. Anyways, when you sign up, make sure you use promo code
[00:31:47] CUM120 so they know we sent you. That's right. When you sign up, you've got some options.
[00:31:52] Oh, I love options, dude. You know, you can either take the San- Pussy, I love the ass.
[00:31:57] I love the mouth. Yeah. You can either just play and cash out or you can take the bonus
[00:32:03] dollar sign, which is like getting a casino comp upfront. I love casino. It has a rollover
[00:32:12] requirement, but it's free cash. Wow. So you're going to be in the sports book, which is where
[00:32:18] we like the game. I love that shit. If you use prom code CUM120, up to $1,000, they're
[00:32:25] going to give you 60% bonus cash. My fucking nipples just got hard. We should return 1,000
[00:32:31] to 1600 to play with. Ooh. And I got something you can play. We also have also something
[00:32:37] you can play with. I'll get my dick played with. I do. It just gets padded at like a cat
[00:32:42] with a fucking yarn ball. Right. Once again, that's bet the aside.com. Come 120. Let's
[00:32:48] start the show. What's the real last podcast music? Oh, yeah. He's a fucking real ass dude
[00:32:57] in one of them. One of them didn't even get a choice. He's just so fat and ugly at the
[00:33:03] big game. And he had to abuse his dick with rat traps in public. Hey, shut up. He can
[00:33:10] fuck, dude. Kenny. Yeah. He is a Prince Albert. He's married now. He's married. Yeah. Good
[00:33:17] for you. The snipe. No, no, he got engaged. The sniper got engaged. Zachamico, they call
[00:33:21] him the diaper. Thank you. He left. So where's the diaper? The what kind of opiate do you
[00:33:31] think the guy who wrote that song is addicted to? Probably Tramadol, dude. Yeah, probably
[00:33:37] a bootleg ass that tramadol was nice. He was not I tried some before. He does not do it
[00:33:43] for me. I really liked it. I did opiate's last night. Did you do a hydro coat on?
[00:33:48] My friend stole it from his bed. The aside.com. And then we'll send you a class. Hydro coat
[00:33:59] tramadol and Roxaset. Sign up use promo code come town. They offer you now the way this
[00:34:07] works is you can't immediately receive the Roxas. You have to lose all of your deposit
[00:34:12] first gambling. And then they supplement it with opiate. Yeah, that would be cool. Way
[00:34:18] to sell drugs. Like to high velocity. I think we should slow it down with some opiate. We
[00:34:24] should do a chopped and screwed version. Yeah. Just drink lean. Yeah. I want to get into
[00:34:30] having so much lean. I can't take planes anymore. Yeah. I can get the Rick Ross is getting a
[00:34:35] seizure like every four months like five years ago. That was so awesome. He was just
[00:34:44] and it kept happening. He did it once. They're like, all right. Well, I can fucking do it
[00:34:48] again. Yeah. Keep taking lean on planes. Yeah. Yeah. I do think we should do episodes who
[00:34:53] were on drugs, man. Yeah, I could get into I rented this about to do a double feature
[00:34:58] tonight. Cherry 2000 and motorama. Motor and Mullins movie. Man. Let's cherry 2000.
[00:35:08] Cherry 2000 about about a guy who's sex robot short circuit. So yes, you go into the desert
[00:35:14] into the Badlands. And what's the Melanie Griffith is like a tracker that helps him find the
[00:35:21] new robot to fuck. Uh huh. No. Yeah. That's awesome. Yep. Fine ass Melanie Griffith.
[00:35:27] What I would smash early 90s Melanie Griffith mid 80s. Mid 80s. Sweet spot. Yeah. She looked
[00:35:34] good. Sweet spot is the line between my nuts. Looking like you're grumbling. Sweet spot.
[00:35:40] Hey, girl. Yeah. Yeah. I have my uh nevermind. Say it. No. Say it. Doesn't matter.
[00:35:47] My aunt was in the wardrobe department of that movie. Nice. Yeah. And she's at all. Is that
[00:35:54] who you're related to Adam? Someone who makes dresses. My own. She also make your dress.
[00:35:59] You wore up as your four years ago. Your favorite relative growing up. Oh, Auntie Adam. She
[00:36:05] else she's named after. She did house to 10,000 corpses. See the wrong movie. Yeah. Nice.
[00:36:11] Um house of 10,000 dick house of 10,000 dicks. That's where she lives. That's actually where
[00:36:19] she lives. That's how she got. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that guy. I've been cursed for
[00:36:28] 5,000 years. I've been having six on the top of Mount crush more. First for nothing but
[00:36:37] gay sex. 5,000 cursed to have gay sex until this ring is removed from my cock. By a warrior.
[00:36:49] Only one war. I think the nights come by and he's like, do you have the strength to remove
[00:36:54] the ring from my cock? I don't want to do it. I don't care if you don't if you can. Do I
[00:37:01] get anything? Please. I'll give you a couple. I'll give you a couple. I'll give you a couple.
[00:37:07] The prophecy said that someone would. But I thought there was a night to supposed to
[00:37:11] remove the ring from my. I'd still I'm not. We can only be true loves kiss. I thought
[00:37:16] there was some bitch up here. Yeah, what the fuck? I just sent him. There's a damsel in
[00:37:21] distress. Yeah, they're not some old guy. I'm the damsel. I know it's just a human being
[00:37:26] in need. I've been I'm pretty sure I made chivey positive. Please just take the ring.
[00:37:32] Dragons keep having sex with my eyes. It's a pretty nice ring. You could probably sell
[00:37:36] it for two three hundred. Whatever our dumb currency is, Leera. For four thousand years,
[00:37:47] I've been having gay sex. 5,000 years. Cursed from the dawn of eternity. Now I've been
[00:37:55] God's take what the past. And to mount to mount. Kill them all. Having gay sex with way
[00:38:02] with travel sex with ogres and trolls. Talk me. Yeah, tokyon rules. Wasn't the anti-semite?
[00:38:22] Yeah, that's what I meant. Yeah, dude, the hobbits are all like fucking huge. Yeah, that
[00:38:29] makes sense. Yeah, conniving. He's really into jewels. Exactly. Gold. Frodo once Mingle
[00:38:37] put the ring on, he could do nothing but half gay sex. It makes women invisible to you.
[00:38:46] You must never put the ring on for it. I've never seen those moves. I've never read those
[00:38:54] fucking books. Yeah, me either. Come on, bro. I tried to read that. I tried to why I wanted
[00:39:00] to like them so bad. They're so fucking long. They suck. Yeah, they're fucking boring. But
[00:39:04] you got to see them all. You know, you don't. You have to just not watch them. All right,
[00:39:09] I guess. I was like, Oh, no. I was like, I'll just watch my bag when I suck off this tree.
[00:39:17] They want me to suck their dicks so we can go to war with the orcs. I would watch an
[00:39:26] end of all the flames sacrifice himself by having gay sex with those trees. But what about
[00:39:35] second breakfast? I'm trying to remember anything about those movies. Gandalf the gay. Sauron
[00:39:41] has an all fucking dick on top of the mountain. No, it's his asshole. It's an all fucking asshole.
[00:39:48] Yeah. That any and any of the land. No, they are just as dick. Brown. One night snake.
[00:39:55] Brown. I was a bad guy. Well, receive your cock from anywhere further. Well, be careful
[00:40:03] for a day. His asshole will suck up your cock. So again, though, sounds like. Yeah, that's
[00:40:10] the killer. Right. Yeah. I love. I love being I'm going to my best friend is Patrick Stewart.
[00:40:20] And we probably have had sex. Hello, I'm gay. I think he fucks 21 year old girls. That is
[00:40:27] funny. It's not as funny if it's an actual gay actor. Yeah, it has to be my make him straight
[00:40:32] and I am gay actor Michael Douglas. Hello, I'm straight actor Ian McKinnon. I love pussy.
[00:40:38] I don't think we're getting mad about repeating that bit, but there's something so goddamn funny
[00:40:41] about Michael Douglas referring to himself as gay. It's really good. Gay actor Michael
[00:40:47] Douglas. Every's anything I love more than gay sex. It's helping the whatever retards
[00:40:54] or whatever the fuck we do. It's helping children with fragile X syndrome. It's not a real thing,
[00:41:00] Michael. Yeah. So I was at a bar this weekend with my girlfriend, my girlfriend, Dasha girl,
[00:41:10] who's a female. And we ended up talking to this psychopath for like three hours. What's his name?
[00:41:17] I'm not going to say his name, but it was a guy. It was a guy. So you were talking with a guy
[00:41:24] for three hours. We couldn't figure out what he was on about, but he was just going so fast that
[00:41:30] we wanted to see what it was about. And like he was wearing like fancy clothes, but if it was like
[00:41:35] a hobo saying this stuff, I'd be like, Oh, this is just like a crazy person on the streets. But he
[00:41:42] was telling me that there's going to be a terrible event in New York City in the next three weeks to
[00:41:48] six months. Oh, yeah, I was saying you should just call the police on that guy. Who I should you told
[00:41:55] me this story. No, maybe Dasha told me the story. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. When you
[00:42:02] got your hanging out. Yeah, we were hanging out. Oh, yeah. When she came over. Yeah. To hang out.
[00:42:06] Oh, she told me that story. When I asked my friends to hang out my girlfriend. Oh, yeah, she told me
[00:42:11] that story to what do you mean she told you that she told you that she told me only that she could
[00:42:15] hang out when we were night the Roxbury or
[00:42:24] So what's up? What's up? He basically what is that he was saying that he was going to get out of
[00:42:30] here. Right. There's only five bridges, right? To get off the islands of Long Island in Manhattan.
[00:42:37] And that's why he's a sailor. He has a boat. Okay. So I think that we should actually invest in the
[00:42:42] come town boat because if any she goes down, we got to get off the already submarine. Why already
[00:42:48] submarine? Because it's faster. It's tactic. Why would anything have torpedoes? It doesn't make
[00:42:53] any sense because our power, uh, grid and water grid are incredibly vulnerable to hacking. First
[00:43:00] of all, we're not on Manhattan. I don't buy. Listen, I don't buy this. We're not on Manhattan. I think
[00:43:04] the guy is full of shit. I don't need a power. Yeah, but we're in Brooklyn, which is Long Island.
[00:43:08] We're still on an island. I don't need a power grid. You know what I do need though,
[00:43:14] is something to make my fucking broken dick work. Whoa, you really? Yeah. And that's why, like,
[00:43:21] I don't even know why we need to pretend this is this is the most excited. I can't fucking have a
[00:43:26] bid to do a read. Oh, I'm so excited. We are now sponsored by Dick Pills.
[00:43:31] Come Dick Pills, baby. It's so we've done it. Yeah, we never cared about. Listen, the Patreon money's
[00:43:36] nice. This is the real goal to always have hard ass dicks on deck. This seems vascular,
[00:43:43] thick, hard, cocks. It feels like a career benchmark. Mm hmm. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:43:49] I fucked around with Viagra, but this blue juice shit is like Tada Phil or something.
[00:43:54] Oh, that's Seattle's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's the better shit. Yeah. Right. It keeps your dick
[00:43:59] hard for a few days. Anyways, blue juice.com. That's BLUECHEW.com. Our show got canceled.
[00:44:07] What show got canceled? Oh, the bar show we were doing. Oh, can you never interrupt the
[00:44:13] fucking blue to read ever again? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
[00:44:15] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize.
[00:44:19] Anyway, look, it's yeah, it's chewable fucking like generic brand. Why not generic? Blue
[00:44:25] juice branded fucking shit, man. And I think it's nice about doing reads for this shit is like,
[00:44:30] your dick doesn't work. If it doesn't work, take the fucking pills. Take a pill, get a hard
[00:44:34] ass dick. Yeah. And take the take the good go to the website we recommend because they fucking hook
[00:44:40] it us up. Yeah, my brain. I'm not able to read any time. Listen to this. Every time you take one
[00:44:46] of those pills and your dick gets hard, our dicks are brothers in that. We're equipped with the
[00:44:52] same fucking artillery, the same ammunition in the blue chew army with me and Nick. We're 69
[00:44:59] star general chewable because chewable ones work fast. They work fast. They go into your blood
[00:45:03] stream. This is not in the copy, but I would imagine that if you can chew them, you can definitely
[00:45:08] smash that shit up and mix it with some cocaine and rail it. Yeah, especially because cocaine
[00:45:13] hurts your boners. They probably don't want me saying that. No, no, I mean, that's mixed a little
[00:45:18] tip. We'll find out next week. You know, get some mushroom caps, some cocaine and some blue
[00:45:24] chew pills. Just walk around hallucinating call that energetic mushrooms. That's called the Joker.
[00:45:32] That's called why so serious, baby. Yeah. And you get fucking, yeah, do a fat line of that shit.
[00:45:39] You can take blue chew on a full or empty stomach. I love it. Yeah. How about I do whatever the
[00:45:44] fuck I want with any? Well, I feel like sometimes if you eat too heavy a meal, it takes a while for
[00:45:48] your dick to get harder. Yeah. Just out of just speaking from hypothetical experience. Yeah,
[00:45:53] they got some you just fill out some form online. There's no doctor. Yeah, yeah, you know, some
[00:45:58] form they got a fucking no awkward conversation. No waiting in line at a pharmacy. I would love
[00:46:04] to wait. It ships directly to your just door and discreet packaging. They're emphasizing discreet
[00:46:10] here. Yeah, if you're a coward, you want discreet packaging, but I insist that they write hard-ass
[00:46:15] dick pills. Right. I want my dick pills delivered to me and fucking rigid airship.
[00:46:24] I want the sky right dick pill man who is fucking in defiance of his own body.
[00:46:30] A man ignoring all the fucking warning signs. His body is showing him.
[00:46:35] Blue cheese. I lose weight. Probably are prescribed online by a doctor and made in the USA.
[00:46:42] Hear that America, baby. You're supporting the kind of factory. No more Chinese dick pills for
[00:46:47] stock. No more for me. No more weird. Indeed. Oh, yeah. I like to imagine a union guy like a
[00:46:52] Dan O'Connor. He's left his racist wife. He's working. He's like, well, dead. That dumb bitch.
[00:46:58] I'm a child. My wife died not make dick pills for blue blooded America.
[00:47:04] Wow. And the jobs are coming back to the heartland. Blue shoe gives you confidence in bed every
[00:47:09] time. That's right, bro. And listen, you don't need to use them every fucking time. You and your
[00:47:15] partner will love it. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Listen. Yeah. Let's not having your dick hard. It's about
[00:47:20] yeah. Let's not go crazy. It's about looking at your hard-ass dick in the mirror. Yeah. And if you
[00:47:25] get some fucking pussy, that's that's that's a fucking bonus. You might miss me with that part.
[00:47:38] I just admire the veins in my throbbing heartcog alone.
[00:47:42] You wouldn't do it. That's what they say. Here's a great deal for you guys. Visit
[00:47:46] blue shoe.com and get your first order free when you use promo code COMTOWN. Damn. Damn. Can you
[00:47:51] imagine that free? Actually, I think I might ask them to rescind that. I don't think any
[00:47:55] of you deserve. You might crash the website. Yeah. Just pay $5 shipping. That's B L U E
[00:48:02] chew.com promo code COMTOWN C U M T O W N. God damn. May you fuck. May you fucking think of us
[00:48:10] while you do it. This is great script. But please don't feel obligated to read verbatim. Use your
[00:48:14] own language and talk about your own experiences. Oh, we have make it fun.
[00:48:19] Yeah. You know what I was. I wish I could last longer and go a few extra rounds.
[00:48:26] Why do they just say get your dick off? Yeah. How did it say like who's the man who's like,
[00:48:31] this is like if your dick doesn't work and you've never had sex. Right. I've been thinking about
[00:48:38] getting into that that hot stuff. Everybody's been talking about. You're ready to have a hot
[00:48:46] time with your partner. There's one thing I love to do more than anything is to take a medicine
[00:48:53] to fix my broken body. Nothing really gets me in the mood. More than being faced very
[00:49:01] concretely with my impending mortality. Right. Just being a 29 year old man. I'm no longer a
[00:49:08] young man. Just something staring me in the face reminding me that the next clear red flag is
[00:49:17] probably lung cancer. And then I go out and have another cigarette anyways. But yeah,
[00:49:24] bluechoo.com check them out. Check them out. Get that dick hard. You're fucking
[00:49:28] pumps some fucking sweet ass or pussy. Whatever it is. I'm gay actor Michael Douglas.
[00:49:34] You know, man's mouth. My dick doesn't work. That's why I started having to eat my
[00:49:40] English wife's pussy. She's Welsh. She's Welsh. I stand corrected. I got mouth cancer for
[00:49:48] meeting Welsh pussy. I had had a piece of Welsh pussy, honestly. If I had had bluechoo.com
[00:49:56] back before my dick didn't work, I wouldn't have had to have gotten mouth cancer from
[00:50:01] you. Hear that guys. Bluechoo secures cancer. Bluechoo.com guarantee.
[00:50:08] Gay actor Michael Douglas. 100% guaranteed. Get a mouth cancer.
[00:50:16] The private dancer. Dancer for money. I better use that money to buy games.
[00:50:22] That's why it sounds like what a euphemism for a prostitute. I think so.
[00:50:26] But imagine how much weirder it be to buy a woman and just be like dance. Yeah. Let's fucking
[00:50:33] tango. Dance. Here's $400. I just want you to dance. That would suck. That man should be killed.
[00:50:41] You want me to do it? It's true. Dance for me. Never seen it.
[00:50:48] We're very true. Schwarzenegger makes Jamie Lee Curtis, who's his wife,
[00:50:53] if dance for him, and she's playing an undercover prostitute.
[00:50:57] Well, if you want to play along at home, go ahead and type in Jamie Lee Curtis tits.
[00:51:02] She has incredible. Her tits is an incredible cock. Her tits in.
[00:51:08] What's the one with trading places? Yeah.
[00:51:12] Those are formative titties. God damn. I'm ever seeing those titties at a young age.
[00:51:16] Good lord. I'm about to bust. That's a really good one. Get me some bluechoo.
[00:51:20] That's original beat material. It would be hard to shit while I beat off to these titties.
[00:51:25] It's isn't true that she isn't her maverick diet.
[00:51:27] Or is that just an urban. I'll suck that little half formed cock.
[00:51:31] If it comes with a paratid. What is it? Her maverick diet? Just a big click.
[00:51:34] Don't know. Never going to learn. This is where you pretend like you don't know what it is.
[00:51:38] I really don't know what it is. Even though it's you.
[00:51:42] God is ass. Well, yeah, it is a big. Is that old her? Yeah. I mean, is it fake?
[00:51:48] Oh, yeah, it's fake. It looks pretty good. I fuck that lady, whoever she is.
[00:51:54] She's looking pretty good still, honestly, in that Halloween movie.
[00:51:58] I didn't see it, but there's some stills. Damn, I would love to smash Jamie Lee Curtis.
[00:52:03] To everyone tell her I say what's up. Yeah. Tell her and the one everyone blames for Hillary losing
[00:52:10] with big ass titties. Susan Sarandon. Yeah, dude. I would smash Susan Sarandon.
[00:52:14] She's current day. She's got some fucking. She's got some fucking heavy titties.
[00:52:21] God damn. She's fine. Sarandon tits. Nice. Look at those things, dude.
[00:52:27] People really hate her. They think that they're fucking so stupid to blame her.
[00:52:32] Yeah, they think Hillary lost. This is my favorite kind.
[00:52:34] Just so fake. The face. Just the worst body. Yeah, right.
[00:52:40] Yeah, probably. I would really like to suck those whatever those are. Yeah, whoever those belong to.
[00:52:47] Yeah, she's got some big slappies. She's got to be topless somewhere with the fuck Sarandon.
[00:52:52] The son UK, Susan Sarandon is right to show off her simply wonderful boobs at 70. Honestly,
[00:52:57] yes, I support the son dot co dot UK for that. Look at those fucking heavy ass titties, dude.
[00:53:03] I'm trying to get fucking. I'm trying to get slapped in the face by those old ass titties.
[00:53:07] But she's like a million years old. I feel like she dates guys are age.
[00:53:12] So we do. Sure. I'm not. I'm not. I'm fine. I'm not. I'm fine. I'm not.
[00:53:15] But I'm going to try my best. She's not with Tim Robbins anymore. Listen,
[00:53:19] I am going to shoot my shot if I ever get even an Iota of space. So far.
[00:53:24] Dude, the article is like the headline is Susan Sarandon is right to show off her
[00:53:28] simply wonderful boobs at 70. It's like, Bob, you know, just because she's old doesn't mean she's
[00:53:34] not, you know, look at those tits. She's 70. You scroll down and it's immediately just pictures
[00:53:39] of her when she was young. Hey, man, whatever. You know, it's like, but remember how much hotter
[00:53:44] she was. It's not go crazy here. Whatever, dude. Sometimes you fucking sometimes you, you know,
[00:53:51] there's a little, I'll eat a fucking slightly brown avocado too. You know what I'm saying?
[00:53:56] It's a little mushier. Got a couple fucking darker spots. But see me, I don't need to single
[00:54:02] fruit. Look at you. It's only processed foods. You know, your white trash Jordan Peterson sour
[00:54:07] patch kids. Okay. My man eating just beef, just beef. What is Jordan Peterson's goal there with
[00:54:16] to just, I don't know, he's that clip is so funny. I don't know what club is actually where they
[00:54:23] ask them about it. They're like, so how do you feel about your all meat diet? He's like,
[00:54:27] it's exhausting, honestly, but I've lost 70 pounds. I'm not experiencing auto immune disorders that I
[00:54:36] it's like, experience. He's just a professor from I know it's like people like want to make an
[00:54:41] argument that that guy is self help guy. He's just like, yeah, he's like an intelligent guy with
[00:54:46] bad takes. But like that that is retarded. He's retarded. Any kind of diet where you restrict
[00:54:53] yourself to one type of food, obviously, you're going to fucking lose weight because it's like,
[00:54:58] you do can't eat anything. You're just going to have just meat available to you constantly.
[00:55:04] That's just not good. He's also constantly crying in public. You might have to do with the
[00:55:08] all meat diet. Yeah. Well, he probably can't shit anymore. He probably isn't shit in years.
[00:55:13] Oh my god. That's so true. Can you imagine? It is true. I know it's true. I've looked at this
[00:55:18] as the true podcast. This shit's true. You're listening to true shit.
[00:55:29] I should get to a rock impression. What does he sound like? I don't know.
[00:55:40] Because I want to do skyscraper, but my family's up there and there my family is up there.
[00:55:45] My family is up there. Fuck. If you suck with my car. You have to go with his regular speaking
[00:55:57] voice. Yeah, it's like that. Yeah. He's my family is up there. I got to fuck around with him more,
[00:56:02] but I can get him. You'll get him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:56:07] I feel like his voice isn't too remarkable. It's not remarkable. Yeah. But he has a distinct
[00:56:11] way of speaking. He's kind of like Obama a little bit. Yeah, that is true. You're right. He's clipped.
[00:56:16] Yeah. Clips of shit at the end. Yeah. He clips like Adam's dick is clipped.
[00:56:22] Okay. Which one do you put their dick in my ass? That's good. Yeah.
[00:56:27] Which one do you put your dick in? Which one do you put your dick in my ass? I don't know.
[00:56:31] Yeah. Yeah. No, no, you're getting there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:56:34] Now, trust me, I got this dog. I believe he brother. Couple more weeks. I will have it
[00:56:38] Dwayne the Rock Johnson and a couple of weeks just looking at shirtless pictures and looking
[00:56:41] at pictures about talks. Yep. Yeah. I can't wait. Okay. He does kind of sound like Obama.
[00:56:48] Yeah. I think about it. They do have a similar cadence. They're both from Hawaii.
[00:56:53] They're neither of them are American. They're both Kenyan. They're both Kenyan.
[00:56:58] Both me and President Obama. It's me, Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
[00:57:02] And I'm Ryan Shut. And I'm Ryan Shut. And I'm Roblama. It's me. Dwayne Ryan Shut.
[00:57:07] The Rock Obama. Damn. And I am. Can you smell how gay?
[00:57:21] Okay. I am an online shut. Who put their dick in my ass?
[00:57:30] How's that? Yeah. I'm just going to keep saying that until it sounds like the rock.
[00:57:33] Who put their dick in my ass? That's an awesome question. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:57:40] The idea that so the dick went in your ass and you were in some sort of position where you
[00:57:46] couldn't tell who it was. We're supposed to be a family. What's what's what's the
[00:57:51] fuck? A Vin Diesel? We're supposed to be a family. When we said that we're going to be a family to
[00:57:57] get. Yeah, I can't do it. No. Yeah. Now that's probably that's an easy one. You'll get you just have
[00:58:02] to listen to him. Right. Who put their dick in my ass?
[00:58:06] What do y'all put your dick in my ass? Go home, Steve.
[00:58:16] Did I do that? Did I rape your ass? Yeah. Who put their dick in my ass?
[00:58:23] It was me. I'm gay. I'm gay. Yeah. Fuck. Well, I guess
[00:58:30] the rock's going to be president soon enough. So we'll have plenty of impresions. We're all going
[00:58:35] to find out his last name when he runs. As soon as you become president, it becomes very easy to
[00:58:40] do an impression of you. Right. Yeah. I understand how that works. You know, you're out there.
[00:58:47] You won't ask to learn. My name is Ryan Schutt. I'm Ryan Schutt. My name is Ryan Schutt. And I'm gay.
[00:58:54] My name is Ryan Schutt. I'm gay. I did not. My name is Ryan Schutt. And I'm gay.
[00:59:02] I am not a straight man. My name is Ryan Schutt. And I'm gay.
[00:59:10] I went up to Mr. Gorbachev and I said to him, my name is Ryan Schutt. And I am gay. Mr. Gorbachev.
[00:59:36] It's a tear. Mr. Saddam Hussein. He's understand that my name is Ryan Schutt.
[00:59:44] I'm gay. Damn Nick. Oh, fuck damn. This is a Epcot Hall of presidents level. My name is Ryan Schutt.
[00:59:53] And I will be gay for you. I went instead of a saxophone. I play a big penis. It's been
[01:00:15] Yeah, I don't know if I could do a W impression anymore.
[01:00:18] Yeah, how's it not even close? No, it's not. Yeah. Yeah. What's up, Dak? And I'm George W.
[01:00:27] But fool me once shame on you. Not gonna be fooled again. I can't you can't you can't I'm not
[01:00:34] I'm not gonna be fine. I'm shut and I'm gay. Yeah. I don't know. Oh, fuck. Yeah. A lot you don't
[01:00:40] only just like really approximate most of them. Really locked. The real dialed in impression is
[01:00:46] hard to find once when somebody's gone out of out of sight. I hope they bring bring back George Bush.
[01:00:57] You know, a compassionate conservative compassionate conservatives that just who put their dig in my
[01:01:03] ass. Who put their dick in my ass? In my ass? In my ass?
[01:01:18] Is that the Fraser King? I don't know. But I mean, I'd learn John Hamm by just saying like,
[01:01:23] why would you choose to be gay? Yeah, that's over. That's true. You had a choice. You had a choice
[01:01:30] to be gay. I'll be with a woman. Why would you make the choice to be gay? Yeah, choice is what like,
[01:01:39] who put their dick in my ass? In my ass? Which one of you, Jibronas, what their dick in my ass?
[01:01:51] In my ass? What was he like sleeping? Was he bent that one? I don't know, man. That's
[01:01:58] like, it's a process. In my ass? My come on, we don't need that. Obama is sheepishly waving off
[01:02:09] hecklers. Come on, we don't need all that, that Messarino in here. Everyone's like, he's still so
[01:02:17] cool. Can you please leave? Come on, we don't need all that. Well, why don't you go, why don't you go
[01:02:24] and you go, your own thing? Come on, Chuck, I'm gay.
[01:02:33] Fuck. Yeah. Fuck my ass. Damn, who? Hi, I'm president Michael Douglas. I've also arrived.
[01:02:46] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. I can't wait to go home and do drugs. Yeah.
[01:02:50] Yeah. I think I got one more pill left out of my stash and I'm going to get a high
[01:02:57] a perk, I believe. Where'd you get that Roxaset? You said my friend visited his friend and his
[01:03:03] annoying girlfriend this weekend and then he brought it back. It was expired. It wasn't very
[01:03:10] potent. Yeah, I had a nice time sitting on the couch. I would love if we could get sponsored by
[01:03:17] Pfizer. Because I remember the fuck makes Oxygen. Like you guys got to check this shit out.
[01:03:24] No, it wasn't a promo code, comtown. It was a it was an Oxygen. It was like,
[01:03:31] hydrocodone. Hydrocodone. Yeah. Which is what Pergiset, we're viking in. Yeah. Pergiset and
[01:03:37] Vicodin are like roughly the same. I think so. Yeah. The week I got shingles. Apparently,
[01:03:45] the FDA just approved the most addictive opiate yet or something. Hell yeah. I can't wait to try
[01:03:51] that. Let's keep that going. The fuck dick association. They pass like an anti opioid epidemic thing
[01:03:58] in the house or in the Senate, 99 to one. And Trump's like, push through this new anti opioid
[01:04:05] legislation. Very little support for the Democrats. It is like, it would be just lying about everything.
[01:04:15] You have to suck. So you have to respect it. It's so funny. And I think the one vote against it was
[01:04:20] a Republican for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Rocks. God. In every clip of him talking is hilarious. So cool.
[01:04:28] The umbrella thing from last week was amazing. He's threw it on the ground. Dude, he rules. Yeah.
[01:04:35] He is so funny. It sucks. These literally fucking seems to just be an evil motherfucker. Look,
[01:04:42] I've told people numerous times. I'm not Ryan Schott and I'm straight. Oh, boo boo. Look,
[01:04:50] my name is Donald Trump. Dude, my name may or may not be done. That's the last style. And that's
[01:04:55] straight. I cannot support that. The president breaking from tradition is that he tells the
[01:05:02] opposite of his respect for the office. He has no respect for the office. The office presidency
[01:05:07] means nothing. President Trump uses alien invasion to speech to announce that he's Ryan Schott.
[01:05:13] That he is not Ryan Schott. Clearly lying through his seat. If he started selling ad space,
[01:05:21] and like, you know, if you could get president Trump to accept like 30 million dollars to just
[01:05:27] do like cameo shout outs. And we could get him to say I'm Ryan Schott. I'm gay. I would pay. I would
[01:05:35] literally pay every cent that I own. I would give up every hear him say, I'm Ryan Schott and I'm gay.
[01:05:42] That would be that's the reason we have this podcast is to get a sitting president to say I'm
[01:05:52] Ryan Schott. I'm gay. And it's sponsored by Dick pill companies. Oh, yeah. Shouts out blue chew.
[01:06:01] Who put their dick in the rocks? I'm run shouldn't I'm gay and I'm here to get to the bottom of this.
[01:06:10] I'm here to find out who put their dick in the rocks. Who put their dick in my ass?
[01:06:23] God damn, bro. Yeah. All right. Why do you need to go to sleep? Why don't you sleep on these nuts?
[01:06:28] How's red dead going? I've mostly just been riding around getting used to the world,
[01:06:34] the universe world. Yeah. It's just pretty. You get kicked right if you walk. I'll be honest with
[01:06:38] you, it started off extremely fucking slow. Yeah. There's like all these like big, what are they,
[01:06:44] like triple A games like games that there was like a huge studio. There's a lot of money on it.
[01:06:49] People have been anticipating this game for like a fucking decade. The game spends all this time
[01:06:54] sucking its own dick with all this like cinematic bullshit. It's like, this is supposed to be a
[01:06:59] video game. And then they do all the shit that's supposed to make it more immersive that ends up
[01:07:04] just being tedious and distracting. Like, yeah, hold L2 to focus on the chair and then hold dry
[01:07:10] and hold to sit in it. Yeah. That's how it's like there's no reason to even sit in the chair. I don't
[01:07:16] like care to do it. You have like shave and shit. You have to shave. I hate that shit. You can get
[01:07:21] a divorce. It really is like to like make these games for people that have like not even the
[01:07:26] basics of like a regular human life. Yeah. Outside of video games. Yeah. I told you, like, wow, you can
[01:07:32] brush your teeth in the game. Imagine brushing your teeth. Ari Ari when GTA five came out, he would
[01:07:42] just spend hours changing his outfit and doing yoga. I hate that doing yoga. Yeah. There's like a
[01:07:48] yoga challenge. No, I've been trying to figure out how to kill elk without fucking up the pelt.
[01:07:53] That's like where I'm at. That's cool. Yeah. I'd like a nice elk pelt. Yeah. I'm getting some supplies.
[01:08:01] Oh, yeah. Leveling as they may call it. Yes, sir. Grinding. Grinding. Grinding. Grinding.
[01:08:07] Grinding. Sucking my heart has little less penis. You know, when my dick is in line that I'll put my
[01:08:15] dick inside your butt cheeks. Grinding. So gang, listen, come to fucking funny moms this Monday.
[01:08:23] Monday. We got who do we have Brandon Wardell? Someone else. Blandon is coming. I come with
[01:08:33] a she Blandon Wardell. A woman and a person of color. If you're in Long Island, I will be on the 30th,
[01:08:42] 1130 of November. I will be there at something in a movie theater doing fucking comedy somewhere.
[01:08:50] Check out my website. The big one. If you're in DC, please come see me at the DC draft house.
[01:08:55] I'm doing my first real headlining weekend on the seventh and eighth. Would love to see you there,
[01:09:00] folks. And then if you're in Indianapolis, I'm coming to Indianapolis on the 14th Cincinnati,
[01:09:09] I'm sorry, Indianapolis on the 13th Cincinnati and the 14th and Columbus on the 15th.
[01:09:15] And so please come out and see me on those. And I'm working on a couple of other things.
[01:09:19] Maybe Pittsburgh, maybe LA, maybe Denver. So keep your motherfucking Phoenix perhaps.
[01:09:27] Our analytics say a lot of people listen to Phoenix. If that's true, please DM me and I will
[01:09:31] definitely be the show. I don't know much I trust as analytics. They've worked in like some of the
[01:09:37] ones that like they have Seattle and Portland. You tell me that listen and said that like nobody
[01:09:42] in New York listens to it? No, no, they've just broken New York down into like eight different cities.
[01:09:48] So it's like Brooklyn is one Long Island city is one of the biggest moments like Toronto.
[01:09:55] Yeah, there was like what 20,000 in Toronto and then the next one's like Deaconville, Arkansas.
[01:10:01] No, that organ saw us not. But yeah, the first couple ones were weird. I think what happens is
[01:10:06] with with like foreign countries, they group a lot of places together because like London and
[01:10:11] Toronto were pretty big. But there's no way that only like 400 people in Brooklyn listen to the show.
[01:10:17] No, Brooklyn is only like five different times. Oh, it's like that that's pretty accurate. But
[01:10:24] yeah, I don't know. They seem a little weird the analytics, but did you do that report by the way?
[01:10:29] Yeah, I left it running. And it just is. Yeah, yeah. I emailed them but whatever.
[01:10:35] All right, gang. Well, listen, come see us, please. And if there's any city or if you book shows,
[01:10:41] talk to us and I'm sure we'll come out and either one of us will come to stand up or we'll come
[01:10:45] bring the whole squad. And that's I think that's fucking it.
[01:10:51] Anything else you want to say, Nick? No, I'll try the rock one more time. I know.
[01:10:57] I should I should book stuff. You should do Chicago. Yeah, I want to do the Lincoln launch that I just
[01:11:02] did. Yeah, I'll do that. I'll give you their contact info. That'll be. You hear that next
[01:11:06] doing Chicago. Hey, here I come. Here he's CUM's. Right. You like a hurricane.
[01:11:12] Sock me like a gay guy. I am gay. I am gay. I do like a hurricane.
[01:11:21] Come inside a hurricane. Look at that. I'm just left. And then the the
[01:11:25] compass just swirling. Adam just decided to. Yeah, he thought he thinks he's too good for this. Yeah,
[01:11:30] damn. Let's fucking add. He didn't bring me one of those hydro hydro hydro hydro sets.
[01:11:36] Yeah, how fucking rude, dude. Oh fuck. All right. Good night, everybody.