Cum Town | Regular | 08/18/2016
[00:00:42] Can we start the, can we start name titling them that?
[00:00:56] Well they're both sucking each other's dicks right?
[00:01:02] It resembles like if their mouths are the tops of the nine, the circle part of the nine
[00:01:08] And then the tops, the bottom of the nine and the bottom of the six represents penises.
[00:01:12] No, that's just, it seems like two penises in like a, like an orbaurus.
[00:01:21] I mean if you want to think, conceive of it that way, if that's easier for you.
[00:01:26] Like he's close to a human body as the number looks as close to those two human bodies as
[00:01:33] It comes from the ancient yin yang, which was the first 69.
[00:01:38] Which was developed by a guy named yin the dot.
[00:01:43] The dot represents the dot on their head.
[00:02:00] Yeah, we're putting it on tunics and stuff.
[00:02:16] We're going to an argument with an Indian kid like at his house.
[00:02:25] And he's like no it goes in the other direction.
[00:02:29] No one had a smartphone then so you couldn't look it up.
[00:02:34] I'm a Gumbory County high school party.
[00:02:43] You were at a grown up party but you were cool.
[00:02:45] I don't even know if it was a grown up part.
[00:02:47] I mean there was probably like 10 people at this kid's house to drink.
[00:02:52] If you call a group of 10 guys hanging out at a party.
[00:03:01] All of his aunts and uncles were there.
[00:03:11] Yeah and then I see these swastikas all over the place and I'm like this is fucked up.
[00:03:23] You called some of your family members to come and meet his and punch slap him around
[00:03:32] Yeah no they really got fucked on the swastika.
[00:03:36] It's a cool and looks graphic design wise.
[00:03:40] That's what Trump was trying to make the juicer into his swastika.
[00:03:47] He was trying to like change it into his swastika.
[00:03:50] But then they were like not so fast Trump.
[00:03:55] They're looking at me like I should have a follow up.
[00:04:03] I think they used unfairly treated over that thing.
[00:04:08] The thing about Donald Trump is like if he was anti-Semitic he would just be anti-Semitic.
[00:04:12] It's not like he would be like let's sneak it into a picture.
[00:04:16] We got to put it sneaky in a Hillary picture.
[00:04:21] He had a ton of close personal friends and mentors that were Jews.
[00:04:29] I can do from the Al Pacino's character in Angels America.
[00:04:32] The only Jews he associated with were the biggest pieces of shit.
[00:04:37] Like you know fucking worst examples of Jews.
[00:04:43] Roy Cohn got AIDS because he was gay and in the closeted his whole life Trump completely
[00:05:05] Why do they call it converted and not transitioned?
[00:05:08] Like if you could transition into Islam.
[00:05:19] I don't think anyone should convert to Judaism personally.
[00:05:23] It should be called transitioning instead of converting.
[00:05:25] I had a neighbor named Alejandro Alvarez like a Mexican guy growing up in Vegas and
[00:05:34] he cheated on his wife and had like an awakening.
[00:05:45] To save the marriage he decided to become Jewish and he converted three times.
[00:05:50] Reform, conservative, Orthodox and my dad's like he like took me aside.
[00:05:54] And then he went from Alejandro to Eliyahu and then my dad was like you know he had three
[00:06:02] And I was like oh my god what was the last thing?
[00:06:07] No he said that the second time after they take the force.
[00:06:10] He was an adult man who had a circumcision.
[00:06:14] Which is fucked up because all those tools are made for babies penis.
[00:06:18] So it's very difficult to get an accurate cut on a man's penis.
[00:06:22] Especially when he did an Orthodox style and he had a grown man suck the blood out.
[00:06:27] Well you actually have to get a baby rabbi.
[00:06:30] If you're a grown man and you get the circumcision.
[00:06:38] It's a sin if either party you know one of the parties has to not be able to remember
[00:06:47] That's how it works in the eyes of God.
[00:06:52] I mean you wake up with the circumcision.
[00:06:53] What's the one you can't say is it Yahweh or is it Adonai or you know something like that?
[00:06:58] You can't say it but guess what I'm saying on the fucking come down podcast.
[00:07:05] The guy that he produced is like only I can say it.
[00:07:08] You can do soft A which is like the dash like G G dash D. Yeah.
[00:07:14] That's like soft A. That's like yeah humiliating.
[00:07:19] I saw a tweet that had the G slash D the other I forgot who it was.
[00:07:24] And it's like I just wanted to punch my computer.
[00:07:38] Yeah but like only the most annoying kind.
[00:07:44] It might have been that guy wrapped up by Jewish.
[00:07:50] The tweet at Panera because their fucking sandwich wasn't good.
[00:08:06] You'll find the most annoying people on Earth.
[00:08:20] What do you mean there's no way that's kosher?
[00:08:29] Why we just talk about Jew stuff on this podcast?
[00:08:39] When stopped as a rich culture they invented butts.
[00:08:41] How dare you say no one cares about it.
[00:08:43] You come for the creators of hails sex.
[00:08:47] I looked at the Romans basically just took.
[00:08:49] Stole everything good and then the rest they were like we'll leave that and then this
[00:08:53] is the culture that people want to learn about.
[00:08:58] They just changed the names of the gods.
[00:09:01] Rome was just more successful but we had all the cool shit dude.
[00:09:09] Yeah I think people didn't stop fucking children until like 1937.
[00:09:15] Prior to that it was like okay to fuck kids.
[00:09:18] You know it was like I guess like child porn used to not be like a serious issue until
[00:09:27] Did you see like capturing the Freedmen's?
[00:09:29] The guy like orders child porn and gets it delivered to his house and like it was like
[00:09:33] a sting operation they were like come on just don't do this.
[00:09:41] Yeah I think it's because of like the internet maybe or something.
[00:09:43] I don't know because it became like a cyber crime rather than something like local police
[00:09:54] Oh yeah the only industry we have left is tourism and child porn.
[00:09:58] Like the bath houses in like Pompeii aren't like was in the art all over just like that
[00:10:16] Dick sucked by a 17 year old named Giuseppe.
[00:10:18] One of my favorite little Italy moments I was at the Sanjian RFS of like two or three
[00:10:23] And I was just walking with my cousin and some like like just complete stereotype.
[00:10:29] Like this fucking you know like a guinea wearing a guinea tee you know like fucking wiping
[00:10:39] And he's just got this fucking white handkerchief and he's just wiping his fucking mouth as he
[00:10:46] He was like you know standing on the corner and he comes up to us and he's like sucking
[00:10:52] his teeth and he's like you have the best fucking thing you ever had.
[00:10:57] You go down this down the block halfway.
[00:11:06] It's got like an ice cream cone with the cannoli filling in it.
[00:11:13] See if you don't get a fucking other one.
[00:11:19] When I was just in sicarcus and I couldn't stop saying sicarcus in that voice.
[00:11:37] But no it's so much fun to do that voice.
[00:11:41] I'm stuck in the fucking looking to poo.
[00:11:44] Sticking in the fucking looking in the fucking looking in the poo.
[00:11:54] What are we going to do going on a loop?
[00:11:56] I just found out there was an ocean in between here in Italy.
[00:12:04] When are we going to do a full come town on the sopranos?
[00:12:08] I mean it would be against our model of planning.
[00:12:17] We were all at the Just for Last Festival this week.
[00:12:20] We all had headlining shows at the Just for Last Festival.
[00:12:26] The other thing I like most about Montreal.
[00:12:27] They don't have to treat you up there man.
[00:12:36] A lot of people don't know this but actually half the words in the French language mean
[00:12:51] They're not really chilled towards Muslims for a really long time.
[00:13:00] They were like he killed a hundred people with a truck.
[00:13:05] They're like no he just ran over people.
[00:13:12] The little watching dog the truck is coming at you.
[00:13:16] He just drove through like a mile worth of like a parade.
[00:13:22] Me and Adam just clearly show that we've never even looked this thing up once.
[00:13:38] Did fucking here there's too many parades in New York.
[00:13:43] So like if you need to go like a cross town.
[00:13:50] They have a Puerto Rican parade every two and a half days.
[00:13:54] And they fucking you know they clog up the streets.
[00:13:58] So you know I don't know where I'm going with it.
[00:14:10] I would say any one of the Puerto Rican day parades because there's so many of them.
[00:14:15] They have a fucking Puerto Rican parade.
[00:14:38] De Blasio was like you know we're sending you back to Ireland unless you let gay people
[00:14:47] They kept crashing because they were giving each other road head.
[00:14:50] Because they're gay and they can't stop.
[00:14:55] They need in gay culture one guy to look at the road and the other guy three guys to
[00:15:01] In the black back of the flatbed pick up.
[00:15:04] Well I guess French Canada is the new France now because regular France is ruined.
[00:15:09] They're never coming back at this point.
[00:15:15] That's like there's just going to be more.
[00:15:18] And the president spending $150,000 a month on haircuts and he's bald.
[00:15:24] I don't know if that's the right figure but that just came out.
[00:15:34] I'm asking for no reason because I'm a man with hair.
[00:15:37] I think it's just maybe it's like they keep a like a girlfriend on retainer.
[00:15:43] Yeah everyone in France just really does.
[00:15:48] We see nothing wrong with the Roman Polanski or having a sex with a child.
[00:15:55] If you see his movies it's a perfect art.
[00:15:59] I just wish we could go back to hating them.
[00:16:01] Remember how much we used to hate France?
[00:16:14] You know let the fucking Germans right in there.
[00:16:16] I feel like since then the stereotypes have all been negative.
[00:16:28] And by the way folks it's not just for laughs.
[00:16:46] I mean it's literally loony loony tunes.
[00:17:06] I was like looking online the other day for those like Cholo loony tunes t-shirts the other
[00:17:13] It's like Sylvester with a gun on the bottom.
[00:17:24] Mexican kids in my high school just had like they they rocked those real.
[00:17:28] Also if you see the police warn a brother.
[00:17:32] What the old fucking no blacks on the TV screen sketch.
[00:17:39] You remember that that Chris Rock like no blacks on the TV screen?
[00:17:43] And it's like yeah he goes through every network and he's like UPN under paid knee grows.
[00:17:57] I was talking about the one brother shirt.
[00:18:00] I remember with the Warner Brothers font.
[00:18:02] When you see the police warn a brother.
[00:18:06] That was back when police brutality was still funny.
[00:18:08] Before camera phones had to make it to real.
[00:18:13] I remember that was like a jet like people are like wow can you believe the police unfairly
[00:18:18] I'm like yeah that's we knew that didn't we?
[00:18:36] You know I like I like that sagging has gotten the there's if you see the guys that have
[00:18:41] multiple layers of pants that they're sagging.
[00:18:45] They basketball shorts boxers and then jeans.
[00:19:03] Like compression pants like boxers under armor compression pants.
[00:19:18] You just have to wear your entire wardrobe at once.
[00:19:26] Did that happen in between the last one?
[00:19:33] And you said are you watching and we both said no and then you talked about it anyways.
[00:19:45] You're trying to get us to like learn shit.
[00:19:48] Let's talk about the day shit we did as children.
[00:19:55] I feel like the last I've gotten too comfortable.
[00:20:08] I can see why that's a good summer time look dude.
[00:20:11] It looks like it's khaki or deep green and then white flower.
[00:20:16] Oh, they're like they're like Hawaiian flowers.
[00:20:20] They're the kinds that are in like lays.
[00:20:23] One time it was my great grandmother's 100th birthday.
[00:20:46] I mean she went into the towers and her body gave rise.
[00:20:49] I'm not gonna have a funeral with no body.
[00:21:14] I thought he was like a hundred years old.
[00:21:16] I would go around lying about being a 911.
[00:21:21] If I was like a hundred years old I'd be like I was one of the people.
[00:21:35] I carried 15 people all the way from the top floor down to the ground field.
[00:21:43] Actually one of the towers didn't fall down for a while because I was holding it up myself.
[00:21:56] I tell you I get it right there and I bend it over and I believe what I do.
[00:22:02] Jack Lemon describing how he would have sex with a woman is a bit we do on the train
[00:22:08] Pretend we don't know each other and then we go up and pretend to be Jack Lemon just
[00:22:14] whispering how he would fuck a woman to the other person's ear.
[00:22:18] You heard about this, what you do is you bend it over.
[00:22:22] Right when she least expected you jam it right into a fucking pussy.
[00:22:30] She was sitting right there and then I just I just I closed.
[00:22:52] We're there for like 100 birthday and I well yeah no it was disgusting but like so
[00:22:59] my grandfather her son is sitting there.
[00:23:03] Yeah she's she's sitting where you're sitting and my grandfather is sitting where I'm sitting
[00:23:06] and I was sitting like over where my this hopes to listen to my Milwaukee seven and a half
[00:23:19] So yeah I was sitting over where the saw is.
[00:23:21] I mean grandfather is like watch it like he's like you know like listening so intently to
[00:23:25] the story and leaning forward and one of his balls.
[00:23:30] It's like one of his fucking balls just completely hanging out of his shorts and it's like a
[00:23:37] This giant ball just hanging out of his fucking out of his shorts.
[00:23:43] Why this is a good anecdote that will lead up time is you know I guess she lived.
[00:23:50] She was living somewhere in DC off Georgia Avenue I guess when she was like a kid and
[00:23:55] she was like and we lived on the corner of Georgia Avenue.
[00:23:59] I remember we would go outside in the afternoon and there was this Chinaman that would sell
[00:24:06] apples and me and my friend Suzanne would run up and we'd pull his tail and steal his
[00:24:11] apples and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
[00:24:15] My family is just like laughing at this story.
[00:24:26] They'd pull his fucking hair and steal his apples.
[00:24:29] Oh that's trying to live his life selling apples.
[00:24:31] Which by the way would a hilarious Chinese immigrant business?
[00:24:40] My grandmother had severe Alzheimer's right before she went and we were in the nursing
[00:24:46] home and she's an old South African woman in Las Vegas.
[00:24:50] She completely lost her mind at this point and the nursing home was only for Alzheimer's
[00:24:55] Oh that must have been the funniest fucking place ever.
[00:25:04] No she didn't say the N word but this old this older black woman.
[00:25:10] You know like a moomoo that was like C3.
[00:25:13] You could like just see her nipples like three.
[00:25:15] You'd clearly been washed like a thousand times.
[00:25:19] She sat down at the table she just starts blabbering at me and my mom just not even in words.
[00:25:27] And my grandmother looks at her and she looks at me and my mom and she's like the native.
[00:25:36] My grandmother once I'm referred to black people as the Negroed Contingency.
[00:25:50] Well that's another scientist that claims that fucking skull size is small.
[00:26:01] That was the old terminology for the three major racial class.
[00:26:09] This is now hilarious word for the divo song.
[00:26:13] Actually that's where and I think I've definitely mentioned it on the podcast before but the
[00:26:19] word the term down syndrome comes from.
[00:26:25] My grandmother my mom was reading a book about like Greek Greek immigrants in the 30s
[00:26:31] in like Russia and my mom read a passage where the woman said oh I can't believe it
[00:26:39] you know it was like a predominantly Jewish area and all the Greeks were scared of the
[00:26:44] They were told that they drank Gentile blood.
[00:26:50] Right right so my mom's telling the story and she's like we're all last me my cousin
[00:26:55] We're all laughing and my grandmother just has the most confused look on her face.
[00:27:03] We're like grandma isn't this hilarious.
[00:27:06] People used to think that Jews drink blood on peso and she's like yeah they do.
[00:27:10] They're just like we just started laughing at her and then it was so fucking.
[00:27:15] Well I'll tell you nobody believes the rabbi dick sucking thing.
[00:27:19] They're giving babies herpes I tell people that and they're like shut up man.
[00:27:26] You say the phrase rabbis are sucking children's dicks and this was believing in your mountain
[00:27:32] And you're fucking just self made cut off house of cards.
[00:27:38] No there's another thing people didn't believe me.
[00:27:42] Yeah so Coco the gorilla when they would introduce new female researchers to the gorilla.
[00:27:48] Coco would demand to see their breasts and play with their nipples and the handlers would
[00:27:53] be like I mean you got to do what she says she's an 800 pound gorilla.
[00:27:58] And so there's a multiple women were like sexually assaulted by Coco the gorilla and
[00:28:03] I've told numerous people that and they're like that's not true.
[00:28:07] You told me that dolphin story I was like Nick what dolphin story.
[00:28:10] The thing about that they were trying to like they filled a house like.
[00:28:15] Yeah well it wasn't CIA I looked at it.
[00:28:20] Yeah there's government funding but it was like a reason it was a college or something.
[00:28:23] They cut the funding when they put the doll.
[00:28:26] Okay so for the listeners here's the story.
[00:28:28] In the 1950s and that's important because this is after like we won World War Two.
[00:28:37] There's no reason for any kind of like bizarre you know.
[00:28:42] I mean we're like let's fuck out with the.
[00:28:46] So okay so this is like the era where there you know like there was that plan to freeze
[00:28:56] Yeah they're gonna freeze bats and then like attach fire bombs to them and drop them so
[00:29:01] that they would wake up mid flight and then you know start spreading fire everywhere.
[00:29:06] Or you know sorry that they would nest.
[00:29:09] They would nest and then explode or some shit.
[00:29:13] But there is this experiment where somebody hypothesized that dolphins were intelligent
[00:29:28] They have smart they're emotionally intelligent.
[00:29:31] It was like you know you don't know how to teach a dolphin English.
[00:29:35] So they thought like the answer was just complete immersion.
[00:29:37] So they developed this house it's like a specially designed house where it could be flooded
[00:29:45] And they put this woman who agreed to like you know be in the house.
[00:29:52] Which in those days indistinguishable from magicians assistants.
[00:29:58] Sometimes you'd be working with graduated cylinders.
[00:30:04] So they had this research assistant volunteered to live in this house.
[00:30:09] This flooded half way with water with like a dolphin.
[00:30:12] That they were like yeah just talk to the dolphin all the time.
[00:30:14] And you know let us know if he starts speaking.
[00:30:24] And well the dolphins also a young dolphin.
[00:30:26] So it started going through adolescence.
[00:30:30] So what they do next is they're like all right.
[00:30:33] And then again this is the 1950s and it's like I think I'm pretty sure it was attached
[00:30:38] It might have been an independent study but there was like CIA money or something involved
[00:30:47] So it's the 50s so of course they were like okay well we're going to put you on acid.
[00:30:51] I'm going to give you LSD and then we're going to see what happens.
[00:30:56] And the fucking eventually they're both on acid and the dolphin starts like rubbing against
[00:31:05] So the dolphin is like an adolescent right.
[00:31:12] Okay so he starts making a sexual they put the put them on acid and then they started
[00:31:19] Yeah she well yeah she sucked the dolphins dick and jacked it off.
[00:31:24] So the dolphin was like started getting horny and started taking a liking to the research
[00:31:30] She just bite her ankles and he found out that that would piss her off.
[00:31:34] So then he was like alright you know I can't go in so aggressive.
[00:31:37] So he started trying to be sexy with her.
[00:31:40] Like slowly sliding the side of himself off like against her leg and so trying to be
[00:31:46] Did you read the like erotic novelization of this fucking story.
[00:31:53] Because you told me when you were like probably blackout drunk I was like Nick made up the
[00:31:57] stupidest story about this lady jagged up dolphin and then I looked it up and I was
[00:32:04] Whatever an Andrew Bucket admitted that he was molested.
[00:32:06] Are we talking about this on the podcast?
[00:32:17] He felt like he did no sell that and then we were like did you get molested and he's
[00:32:21] like I don't know and then we didn't talk about it for a year.
[00:32:25] So we were like yeah we're getting high really at my old apartment.
[00:32:35] We were smoking weed and then he was like yeah.
[00:32:38] Is there a high gym teachers or also the school nurse sometimes.
[00:32:41] And he was like well you know they would like make you do like a testicular exam every day.
[00:32:51] My gym teacher he used to let me call my buddy's first name.
[00:32:56] He didn't even yeah I mean he he was joking but the way he told it.
[00:32:59] He was fucked up but you know he's always fucked up.
[00:33:03] Yeah we were like that's not normal dude were you fucking molested.
[00:33:14] Damn so bucket might have gotten molested.
[00:33:17] Cause he asked him Adam asked about it after.
[00:33:18] I asked him about it after and I think he said he was doing it.
[00:33:21] But how much fun here would be if he got molested.
[00:33:23] No he did and we just talked about it on the podcast.
[00:33:25] No cause that's what we were talking about.
[00:33:26] No we were talking about how they used to do scoliosis testing.
[00:33:29] By putting a couple of files in your ass.
[00:33:31] Making the nurse would make you bend over in front of her.
[00:33:35] And then she like look at your spine and see as you bend over.
[00:33:37] I mean it was so embarrassing if you just had diarrhea in the nurse's face.
[00:33:42] You just sprayed diarrhea all over the nurse.
[00:33:44] My friend got suspended cause he told the nurse he did like a retarded voice.
[00:33:57] Yeah they had like extra clothes in the nurse's office in case you like shit yourself.
[00:34:02] Well you'd wear Pee clothes when you shit yourself.
[00:34:04] I mean I remember that they had extra clothes in the nurse's office in elementary school
[00:34:11] But those had to have been just clothes that someone else had previously shitted.
[00:34:17] And then they've cleaned and then you're just wearing second hand shit.
[00:34:20] They got shitted clothes to put on other shit.
[00:34:24] There's this kid we went to second grade with.
[00:34:29] And literally everyone from that second grade like he's a he's got he got an MD PhD.
[00:34:36] Which meant he went to medical school for four years and then a PhD in science for four
[00:34:43] And literally everyone I know is like a small private school.
[00:34:45] I keep in touch with some of them are like oh yeah you mean Eric who shit is fucking bad.
[00:34:50] No matter how accomplished his life he'll always be the day that shit is fucking passed
[00:35:00] So there's this guy Scott that used to I mean I think he used to date my sister or my steps
[00:35:10] Well I don't know I knew him I knew him mean out of my phone.
[00:35:13] I knew him like a mutual friend circle or whatever.
[00:35:16] But yeah so he was at a party one time and I wasn't there but he was at a party and he
[00:35:23] like went into the bathroom and he was all fucking drunk and he like locks the door.
[00:35:26] This is in his house he like locks the door to the bathroom and people are like pounding
[00:35:29] on the door and like trying to get him to come out and he won't come out and eventually
[00:35:33] they just knock down the door to the bathroom or whatever and he's in there and he's completely
[00:35:38] naked and he's ripped off it's like one of those sliding doors to the shower he's ripped
[00:35:43] the door off the shower and he's using it to cover himself and the toilet's all backed
[00:35:47] up because he's tried to like flush all his clothes down the toilet because he like shit
[00:35:52] himself or whatever and they were like you just go home.
[00:36:01] Shit himself very embarrassing and then like I don't know two years after that there was
[00:36:06] one night where me and like all my friends are hanging out and Scott's there and I was
[00:36:10] there with my friend like Danny and Danny was trying to like hook up with this girl Alexa
[00:36:17] and we're all hanging out and we're walking around and Scott was like really hitting it
[00:36:26] And Danny's there and he's like bummed about it and we're like walking and Danny just says
[00:36:30] me he's like I got I guess you just have to do it.
[00:36:35] Hey Scott remember when you like shit your pants at the party and then fucking like
[00:36:39] you're laughing and Scott's like yeah man I guess but I just love the way Danny was
[00:36:52] I don't remember I don't think either of them did but that was that was so funny the way
[00:37:00] I can't just be a human being and not humiliating one time.
[00:37:14] He wasn't mean he was actually a very nice guy I thought it was funny.
[00:37:25] One percent of the patreon money is going to go to his family.
[00:37:34] Mine will be one percent of my zero dollars.
[00:37:41] It was like the year after high school.
[00:37:43] It was like that summer after a year about to go into college.
[00:37:47] Maybe the summer going into a second year college whatever.
[00:37:50] And this goes my friend and I was having a big party and I'm getting so fucking hammered.
[00:37:56] I'm just trying to be cool and like drink way too much.
[00:38:03] I'm a fucking cool guy and I completely black out and all I remember is like I'm I'm I black
[00:38:10] out for a while and I remember like people shaking me awake.
[00:38:15] I'm laying down on her deck smoking a blunt that I don't know where it came from and there
[00:38:20] and I'm holding a pop-tart in my hand and they're like stop.
[00:38:23] Did you shit and throw up all over the bathroom?
[00:38:26] I'm like no it wasn't fucking me and I'm holding up a strawberry pop-tart.
[00:38:33] There was a trail of pop-tart from the bathroom to the deck.
[00:38:41] I just I just know that I was like no it wasn't me and there's a like cartoon trail of pop-tart
[00:38:47] to this fucking deck and I still denied it and then I just threw and then I just woke
[00:38:52] up in and then all I remember is waking up in my fucking parents house in George which
[00:38:57] and no underwear and then Anna found that my under was in her neighbor's tree covered
[00:39:03] in throw up just like in I just thrown it off the fucking deck.
[00:39:07] Yeah I've never shit myself I've definitely thrown up all over myself.
[00:39:11] Yeah numerous times while drunk but I've never shipped myself.
[00:39:13] Yeah and I only did I do that but when I when in her bathroom I like I was holding on to
[00:39:18] the shower or something yeah like grab the pipe and it was there was a the only reason
[00:39:22] they even saw the bathroom because they're her fucking down so started flooding and rip
[00:39:27] the pipe out of the wall and I just laying on her fucking deck.
[00:39:33] I did that in my mom's apartment when I was like 15 shout out to all fucking like drunk
[00:39:38] or whatever and like tried to take a shower just just trash the bathroom just rip the
[00:39:43] fucking it was like the shower curtain rod was it attaches to the wall I just ripped
[00:39:47] all the drywall out destroyed knock all this shit over she was like were you drunk and
[00:39:54] I was like oh no I just threw the house cuz I felt like a bitch get my fucking back.
[00:40:06] I was ADD mom I was ADHD I'm fucking I'm using a sanger not allowed to be mean to me I'll
[00:40:17] have to do homework they put me in a special class for people who don't have to do homework
[00:40:21] because we have potential I'm in a special potential class for kids who don't understand
[00:40:26] how to read I was in one of those it took me out of electives it took me out of electives
[00:40:32] and put me in like a fucking in this like please do your homework class.
[00:40:37] Yeah we just sit there they would literally give us candy if we like didn't like did our
[00:40:45] I remember it was like eighth grade and I remember there was one time there's only
[00:40:48] like 10 kids in a class pretty much all of them had emotional problems one kid was just
[00:40:54] I was like well thank you he was like he was like 12 and he already looked like one of
[00:41:01] those Home Depot labor contractors outside yeah three foot two faux hawk we're like Oshkosh
[00:41:09] Piggash Chumosash yeah yeah yeah and like so there was like six graders in gym class
[00:41:18] and like it was like you know the windows face like they were like walking somewhere
[00:41:21] and somebody just started going like fuck you fuck you fuck you man everyone was at the
[00:41:25] window like you fucking baguettes fuck you baguettes you fucking baguettes are screaming
[00:41:29] teachers like guys guys calm down is all at the window screaming dog like dogs when one
[00:41:38] starts barking and the rest of you have a giant thing.
[00:41:46] Oh shit that's so good yeah having an emotional problem ruled.
[00:41:55] Yeah like remember the kid you know what you don't remember like kids that were like yeah
[00:41:59] I'm a fucking pyro dude yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
[00:42:04] is there adult pyros to be like I know check this out just showing off like that's that
[00:42:09] would be the ultimate cat call is where you like corner a woman and then just make her
[00:42:17] Yeah I remember Zippo's being fucking cool.
[00:42:20] At which they make cigarettes taste fucking awful.
[00:42:23] I remember I had a Zippo when I was like 15 I'm like nah I can like smoke my cigarettes
[00:42:27] cool and you smoke one cigarette with them and it tastes like fucking the bottom like
[00:42:31] the scraping's off like the bottom of like a barbecue.
[00:42:38] Uh you guys we should probably take a break.
[00:42:42] Yeah we'll take a break I'm gonna get another coffee and we'll be back.
[00:42:47] Oh okay well it's not bye we're taking a break.
[00:43:32] Would you like then final records don't mind.
[00:44:03] So we're trying to do like, you know, like a good portion of the podcast when he's not
[00:44:11] Yeah, we should we do the you want to do your your Boston guy?
[00:44:28] That was probably that's probably going to be the funniest thing we ever did on the
[00:44:36] We couldn't wait while you're in the bathroom.
[00:44:42] Did you guys do a really good bit without me?
[00:44:45] We're talking about you trying to use a human size toilet in there.
[00:44:52] I sometimes wonder about you know, people get fat enough or they can't wipe their own
[00:45:04] No, I mean, it's no, I know what you mean.
[00:45:08] Like the people you have to cut out of the house because it's like, yeah, yeah.
[00:45:23] Those people are great because they always have somebody that makes them that fat.
[00:45:32] It's like a mom who one of the kids died.
[00:45:34] So she wants the other one to like to be healthy.
[00:45:37] I want to make you cheeseburgers for breakfast.
[00:45:42] Let's see show about like a morbidly obese person, but then the feeder is just like some
[00:45:45] guy, you know, it's like somebody that just like, you know, like, yeah, you know, I live
[00:45:49] next door and you know, I got laid off like six months ago.
[00:45:54] So I come over here and I give Dennis probably got six seven cheeseburgers.
[00:46:00] And then I'll go home and, you know, watch sports center and then I come back over on
[00:46:05] I like seven, eight, nine cheeseburgers.
[00:46:10] Cheeseburger always is like the go to for somebody's fat.
[00:46:13] Hey, why don't you give me four fucking cheeseburgers and piece of shit?
[00:46:19] I don't know why burger gets, you know, gets to be the one pizza hot dogs.
[00:46:26] There are a lot of different kinds of Chinese.
[00:46:27] Yeah, because a cheeseburger always feels glotteness.
[00:46:32] Like that's if you're having like cheat meals, it's always a cheeseburger.
[00:46:49] I don't suck cock ever, but I also love sucking God.
[00:46:55] Are you taking the character away from me or?
[00:47:05] So you're a little bit weird when comics do that like a girl voice on stage.
[00:47:10] It just sounds like the gayest guy of all time.
[00:47:12] Well, Bill Bursey only wanted does a good girl voice.
[00:47:16] This guy and Romine Nazer does a girl good girl voice like a it's flawless.
[00:47:21] He's like he does his bit where he's like he's like he goes.
[00:47:28] It's like Brittany and Caitlin, but better.
[00:47:30] But he can like change the pitch of his voice.
[00:47:34] So it just sounds it doesn't sound like a guy doing your role.
[00:47:41] Well, neither of you guys know a guy that does a fucking you can't do an impression of
[00:47:51] What were you talking about being gluttonous?
[00:47:55] You know what I started doing when my life is really falling apart is just getting mayonnaise
[00:48:05] Sausage egg and little little tomato and some mayo in there.
[00:48:13] Well, even when you make a bagel sandwich just when you put the mayo there's nothing
[00:48:17] that happens like even if you're putting turkey.
[00:48:29] I just found out recently aioli is just mayonnaise.
[00:48:32] Yeah, it's just mayonnaise with garlic with olive oil instead of canola oil the way they
[00:48:40] How do you know so much about you have the like access to a secret how it's made that
[00:48:44] it's not even I'm into I fucking I cook I have a good yeah but nobody like cooks their
[00:48:54] Why would you make egg yolks and fucking oil?
[00:48:57] Yeah, but then you got to emulsify it and say I got an emulsion blender.
[00:49:00] Do you really literally have an emulsion blender?
[00:49:12] I like you're making fun of me for buying a saw and you have you have a blender just
[00:49:18] Yeah, would you come over and try my mayonnaise blender and fucking retard autistic piece
[00:49:26] I saw to build things to do something with my life.
[00:49:36] It's an ugly bed, but it's not gonna fall.
[00:49:40] I just don't understand why you didn't make your bed to the size of a regulation twin
[00:49:45] size mattress because it would take up half the room.
[00:50:04] Now I'm building a dresser and then I need to build.
[00:50:08] It's shelving and I'm putting pegboard up.
[00:50:13] So if you guys, this is like a DIY podcast.
[00:50:17] Number one tip, you gotta just get a shit ton of tools.
[00:50:24] You go to Home Depot, you make friends with one of the guys there.
[00:50:28] Everyone who works at Home Depot is a fucking asshole by the way.
[00:50:31] Every single time I'm there to answer how they're like, well, what are you building?
[00:50:34] You know, it's like, don't worry about it.
[00:50:38] You're like, well, it depends on what you need it for.
[00:50:45] I used to live by like a hardware store and like my girlfriend, my ex girlfriend went
[00:50:53] And the hardware store, I was like, nope.
[00:50:56] It's unemployed contractors with like forearm autism where they know a shit ton about screws
[00:51:02] and they have no social skills and anything, anything you fucking ask them for at Home
[00:51:07] Depot, they're going to try and use it as an opportunity to tell you why you're wrong.
[00:51:11] I went in and are looking for like a pocket hole jig, like a jig to drill holes that,
[00:51:19] you know, I went smaller than like a quarter inch for like smaller than quarter inch drill
[00:51:24] And the guy was like, I'll tell you, I've been in hardware for 20 years.
[00:51:27] I'm not saying you're lying, but I've never seen anything like that.
[00:51:37] Does that ask you if you have something to say?
[00:51:40] You also could have just said I've never heard of that.
[00:51:43] Why even he's implying that you are lying.
[00:51:49] I like to come in here and ask for things that don't exist.
[00:52:00] So if you're looking for one of those things, guys, you got to go to Lowe's got a go to
[00:52:24] Well, there's Midtown Lumber, which is great in Prince Lumber in in Midtown, Manhattan.
[00:52:29] And both of those are like, you know, far superior if you just need like lumber and
[00:52:38] I'm probably I don't want to practice live reads.
[00:52:41] Do you want to contact Midtown Lumber and see if they'll sponsor content?
[00:52:47] Yeah, yeah, we got a hot pot going right now.
[00:53:03] I said, can we get flesh light to sponsor us?
[00:53:05] Probably actually the sponsor moon tower.
[00:53:11] I thought everyone who did moon tower a couple years ago got a free flesh.
[00:53:14] And then I tried to bring it back on the plane with me and I thought like they probably
[00:53:18] So I just put in my bag and then think about it.
[00:53:26] They took nine agents and they brought the fucking manager over and they pulled out
[00:53:31] and they're like fingering and I'm like, it was free.
[00:53:36] I didn't, you know, I'm like, I don't fucking.
[00:53:42] And I mean, I only have her take a carry on.
[00:53:45] I never check a bag and I'm going at 30 bucks a week.
[00:53:50] If you go on vacation, they're like, yeah, you have to bring every piece of clothing
[00:53:57] Like wherever you're going, is it going to have a hair dryer?
[00:54:00] I don't even bring a toothbrush because most hotels, they just have them at the desk.
[00:54:07] But then, you know, if you bring a full size tube of toothpaste and make you throw it out
[00:54:10] at the airport, unless you keep those travel things, what happened with the flashlight,
[00:54:16] So it was horribly embarrassing that everyone.
[00:54:19] Were they just laughing at you when they found out?
[00:54:22] No, I mean, they were like smirking or whatever.
[00:54:31] I mean, I was like, I just like, I ran with the, it was inside out.
[00:54:34] So the vagina part is like flapping around.
[00:54:37] And I'm like running to my gate because I was late for my flight.
[00:54:40] And then it ended up fucking the thing like one time.
[00:54:46] But as soon as you come, it's like, oh, like the amount of shame.
[00:54:50] It's almost like you had just fucked your sister.
[00:54:52] It's like that kind of feeling like that, this ancestral feeling.
[00:54:59] When you ejaculate into like a contraption.
[00:55:04] The second after you come, no matter what.
[00:55:06] No, I'm just beating off like regular eye because I always go dry, you know, or some
[00:55:12] I don't think I've used lubrication to beat off and I'm a dry jackman in my self.
[00:55:16] Yeah, I did it a couple of times like when you're little because people always say you
[00:55:25] And so I was so ashamed that I put it in this bag of shoes in my room that I just like shoes
[00:55:35] I was even going to dig the instructions out of the fucking run through water.
[00:55:39] I'm not going to I live in a nine other people.
[00:55:41] I'm not going to go into the kitchen to be like, let's put it for soup.
[00:55:48] So I put it in that bag and then I like went to go help my mom like remove the flooring
[00:55:55] in her apartment and I came back and I was like, I feel like there's something I forgot.
[00:56:01] And then she like called me like two days later.
[00:56:04] She's like, Julie, your fucking pocket pussy here.
[00:56:10] And I was like, yes, but don't don't touch it.
[00:56:20] It's like that that beastie boy song your mom threw out your best porno mags, except
[00:56:26] It's the fake vagina that I had sex with one time.
[00:56:32] I mean, I mean, this comes just rotting in it for a fucking week.
[00:56:36] I'm not going to be like, well, let's see.
[00:56:42] That's teaching about fucking sex dolls is like presumably like those real dolls.
[00:56:53] Do you have just like a fucking vacuum?
[00:56:58] It looks like a dildo that attaches the end of a vacuum and then you stick it in the
[00:57:06] And then you suck all the come out backwards.
[00:57:08] It sounds like you can just put your dick in that.
[00:57:15] The suction makes your mouth close around the dick even harder.
[00:57:21] A vacuum that hooks up to a dildo that's got a urethra in it and you put it in your
[00:57:25] ass and then it like uses the suction to make your ass even tighter and then you fuck yourself.
[00:57:33] And then it hooks up to a bicycle so you can have a...
[00:57:45] My dad's been like, he's inventing something and he won't tell anyone what it is.
[00:57:49] He's just got all these like drill presses in like a corner of his apartment and he's
[00:57:54] He's inventing something and he's like very secretive about what it is.
[00:58:00] Yeah, it's a dildo that hooks up to a vacuum so it sucks your ass closed around the dildo.
[00:58:07] You can feel it but you don't have to worry about spreading your asshole out.
[00:58:15] That is my biggest worry when I fuck myself with a dildo.
[00:58:26] If the cum heads out in Baltimore, you know, I'm gonna be a fucking Joe squared this Thursday,
[00:58:40] We gotta, I keep asking Kurt Mascuer is supposed to be on but we keep having scheduling issues
[00:58:47] and then I'm kind of like tapped out as far as guests go.
[00:58:52] Yeah, we might have Bobby on or something or Adam.
[00:58:54] We can try to met John Tittoro the other day.
[00:58:57] I met, yeah, I met John Siro and I said, oh, what's that big fan?
[00:59:03] And then I was like, you don't even know, you don't even know the name of the podcast?
[00:59:09] He's like, I don't want it to your podcast.
[00:59:23] Why don't you mind your own fucking business, dude?
[00:59:25] Why you gotta be up and everybody's business about hanging out at John Tittoro?
[00:59:28] I mean, maybe we wanna hang out with John Tittoro by ourselves and not fucking involved.
[00:59:32] He's gonna freeze me out of John fucking Tittoro.
[00:59:34] Yeah, sometimes I feel like, you know, me and Adam have certain celebrity friends that
[00:59:44] I'm telling my friend, you let me hang out at John Tittoro too.
[00:59:48] We did get Seth Rogen's phone number from- From DC.
[00:59:54] So, I'll just call that number this week.
[00:59:57] I'll just set up an interview and then next week if we want to just call Seth Rogen.
[01:00:06] So, Seth Rogen, the journalist that was punched in the face by Dan Nine.
[01:00:12] Yeah, we haven't talked about Dan Nine and really on the podcast.
[01:00:18] So, at that point, I teased the fucking Dave Shover deep dive.
[01:00:35] I'm not ruining our friendship with John Tittoro.
[01:00:37] Dude, I won't tell Dave Shover stories until you let him-
[01:00:51] Italian, you know, it's hard to decide who's more disgusting.
[01:01:19] And the last tango in Paris, Marlon Brando, Butter, ass fuck scene.
[01:01:28] Every time you hear the N-word in Django and James-
[01:01:33] Every time Leonardo DiCaprio's character says the N-word.
[01:01:37] And whenever they say the N-word in Reservoir Dogs-
[01:01:45] You know a movie I watched by a black character?
[01:01:47] Those are the best movie scenes of all time.
[01:01:51] The white people in Tarrantino movie saying the N-word.
[01:02:06] That's fucking- We can't be those guys.
[01:02:09] We gotta- We gotta- We gotta make fun of those guys.
[01:02:23] Trans Queen Peson, Pacific Partnership.
[01:02:34] They're putting tranciums from Asia in storage containers.
[01:02:38] And they're sex trading them to the United States.
[01:02:41] and the only person statham with the pussy
[01:02:43] and the only person up chinese people with a candle up
[01:02:48] and the only person that's going to stop him is berry sanders he's the last
[01:02:53] do i think you can still do this i think we're still got this here
[01:02:56] i'm gonna write him in your i just found out about the home and so there's this
[01:03:00] comic sariel and he had this dumb ass really yeah he does dumb ass remake
[01:03:07] late two thousand seven probably like august two thousand seven
[01:03:16] who had no bomb a bumper sticker yeah and he's like texting pictures of it to
[01:03:22] you check this out this is somebody running for office called obama
[01:03:27] because he's a bama he's a bama he's like trying to show that to people
[01:03:33] now it's contrary it's a good country like a comma is a good fucking hick or
[01:03:37] whatever yeah yeah but i don't think that's
[01:03:39] regional i think it is it is it yeah it's dmv
[01:03:49] transgenders eating sushi this problem with the fact that i said that i said
[01:03:53] let's rip it up in specific partnership uh... they're getting the the best lady
[01:04:01] i mean what their human trafficking them here and it was all obama's plan well
[01:04:05] they actually perfected the surgery they use that intricate uh...
[01:04:10] like uh... the way they attach the penis no nails or screws
[01:04:15] seamless the jois are seen with all like dovetails and interlocking some of
[01:04:22] it's like you know when they you're like chinese people bloke is like little
[01:04:26] bubbles into like crystal and make the dragons
[01:04:30] uh... that's how they do the i don't but yes you know it's like in like you
[01:04:36] gift shops they just sell chinese shit they always have this like horses
[01:04:40] drag-off yes don't have like a piece of like uh... i don't know what the
[01:04:43] material is jade jade yeah and then a blow like bubbles into it nice and
[01:04:48] create like a little pussy into it yeah yeah
[01:05:01] that's pretty good requirement to that's pretty good stuff
[01:05:07] alright folks well that was this episode thank you good night
[01:06:18] what do you think you're going to the kids on the