Cum Town | Regular | 07/30/2020
[00:00:00] Okay, well folks, we're doing something different this week and what we're doing is Stav is
[00:00:15] he's under the weather according to him. He may have COVID or coronavirus, I'm not sure,
[00:00:25] he could have had too much, I'm thinking either cookie crisp or captain crunch. One of the cereals
[00:00:33] that fucks up the roof of your mouth, because he said he had a sore throat and I don't think
[00:00:39] he knows the difference between the top of his mouth and his throat. He's not very aware of his
[00:00:46] body. And so he checked out and then we had a time set for 430 to do the podcast and made an
[00:00:58] Adam sit on that. And now I'm in his apartment and he's gone. He went to go, I think he went to go
[00:01:06] shop for records and leather jackets. He said he had the dead ass go get cool clothes. No, I'm not
[00:01:18] sure where he is, but you know, it really doesn't, I don't think it matters because we didn't book a
[00:01:26] guest. And you know, most people check in just to hear me clear my throat anyways. So I'm just
[00:01:36] going to start at 430 anyways. And you know, when he gets here, then he can hop in. Hopefully it's
[00:01:44] he was accurate. And when he said 20 minutes. So it'll be me doing basically rant, like a rant
[00:01:55] style thing for the first 20 minutes. And there's a lot of stuff that I want to get into that I feel
[00:02:01] like I really haven't been able to I haven't really been able to spread my wings. Because I've
[00:02:06] been held back by the politics of the show. So we're gonna, we're gonna start off with that number
[00:02:13] number one, something that's really been kind of stuck in my craw is a friend of mine recently told
[00:02:19] me that that they volunteered as a hugger at the Special Olympics. And this is somebody that I,
[00:02:28] you know, I like. So I had to but occur my instinct to be like, you did what at the retarded
[00:02:37] Olympic or at the Special Olympics. And because there's many questions that came to mind when I heard
[00:02:46] that that somebody could volunteer as a hugger at the Special Olympics. Number one is I wasn't
[00:02:51] aware that there was a a paucity of hugging going on at the Special Olympics that would require extra
[00:02:57] volunteers to handle, you know, the the distribution of hugs. You could have told me that that was an
[00:03:04] event at the Special Olympics was hugging. And I would have believed you. But I guess they do they
[00:03:11] do have volunteer huggers at the Special Olympics, which, you know, is like, it's very funny to
[00:03:19] imagine that the regular volunteers were refusing to do any of the hugging. That there was a guy
[00:03:27] who signed up to help out at the Special Olympics. It was like, look, I'm just going to take pictures
[00:03:34] of the retards. Don't expect me to touch them. I will not. I don't know how it works. But in the
[00:03:40] age of Corona, you can't play it too safe. You don't. We don't know how not only this virus spreads,
[00:03:47] but any other virus. And who's to say, you know, I'm here doing my civic duty, helping out at the
[00:03:54] races by, you know, giving them all fun nicknames and placing bets on on them. And and then you have
[00:04:04] me hug them. And then who would we know about the transmission of the Down syndrome virus? Then
[00:04:09] suddenly my eyes have an extra set of eyelids on them. And I'm lubricating my chin with every
[00:04:16] sentence. And and you know, I need candy to live. Oh, here comes Adam's dog. Adam's dog is here.
[00:04:24] This is, you know, people probably hate this, but this is very funny to me. It's a very funny way
[00:04:31] to approach doing the podcast is is what if what if out of nowhere, I just complete I just fired Adam
[00:04:40] and stop. And then there's no feedback. It's a complete echo chamber. And and I just really get
[00:04:49] to lean into complete. I don't even know. Is that mental illness? Something feels, you know, it's
[00:04:56] it's funny because this isn't much different than doing the show. But the idea of recording just
[00:05:02] yourself speaking seems like so incredibly self centered, which is there's no different. I mean,
[00:05:09] it's just literally it's the same thing. You just do it with two other people. But when you do it
[00:05:12] alone and you're aware that you're recording something that you haven't prepared at all.
[00:05:18] With the presumption that people are going to download it and be like, let's hear this guy's
[00:05:27] rambled to himself in a room. It's it's I'd tell you it's not laugh out loud funny, but it's it's
[00:05:34] kind of funny. You know, it's like book funny. It's like that kind of Mark Twain. It's the way Mark
[00:05:40] Twain was funny. And then you don't laugh at it and it's fucking gay. But you know, somebody works
[00:05:45] through the library. So everybody if you get one job at the library, you got to you got to pretend
[00:05:51] to like Mark Twain. That's like I kind of like Mark Twain. I think I said that and it sounds cruel,
[00:05:58] but he does he does hold up a bit, especially some of the N word stuff where he went hard.
[00:06:05] Okay, taking a look at the New York Times here. We're at six minutes. So one tenth of the podcast.
[00:06:14] I could at least fill on my own. An extra $600 a week kept jobless workers afloat. Now what?
[00:06:22] And then there's a picture of a fat lady here, which you know, I don't think she's gonna have any
[00:06:28] problems staying afloat. Am I right fellas? Am I right? How could you know, it's so funny with all
[00:06:34] this eat the rich stuff that's going around. Fat people must be fucking wiping their brows,
[00:06:40] because they put themselves in the spotlight. And now, you know, everybody's making this analogy.
[00:06:47] I see it. Maybe that we're all, you know, stuck on a wrap that America is now just a raft, a drift
[00:06:53] at sea with no safety net. And it's every man for himself. And the classic move is eat the fat guy.
[00:07:01] That was the way that we all we would go eat the fat guy. And now somehow the fat guys and the
[00:07:09] fat ladies have flipped a script. And now it's we're eating rich people, which they probably taste
[00:07:15] disgusting. They're all in bread. I mean, not that, you know, I mean, fat, I can't imagine eating a
[00:07:21] fat you would want to eat the muscle man. That would probably I'd pick the gayest guy on the boat.
[00:07:27] And that's who I would fillet and turn into an emergency snack. If you guys have any thoughts
[00:07:37] about who you would like to eat in terms of rich people. And I know it's just an expression, you know,
[00:07:44] but we're we've moved past the age of expression and nuance, you know, if you can't say master bedroom
[00:07:51] anymore, because people don't know what it means, then you shouldn't be able to say eat the rich
[00:07:56] unless you're literally willing to cut off and eat Jeff Bezos's penis. Which do you think you maybe
[00:08:05] would agree to that? How much how much do you think that they love their billions of dollars? Do
[00:08:11] you think if instead of the tax, we could say that we find the most disabled, like the transist,
[00:08:20] disabled poorest person? And we say Mr Bezos, you get to keep your money. You get to keep your
[00:08:30] newspaper and Amazon, keep all of your riches. You can even we can we can change the name of Amazon
[00:08:37] to the Amazon Redskins. And I don't know why we would do that, but that would be the name of it.
[00:08:43] But we're going to cut off your penis and balls and we're going to feed it to the neediest person.
[00:08:52] Are we still saying neediest? I don't know if that's is that fair? I don't not up up to date on that
[00:09:01] the transist, the queerest. Yeah, this sucks. It's it sucks having to do this. But I don't want to
[00:09:16] do zoom. And literally everyone has left New York. There's nobody left in New York. I really don't
[00:09:24] I don't know who is protesting. I think the only people that live here are me and then the guy that
[00:09:30] brings here or missed in my bodega on the truck. And the most part is cleared out. I'm having a
[00:09:41] nice time lately. I watched Michael Clayton this morning, which is such a that's such an awesome way
[00:09:48] to start your day is pretending your Michael Clayton. If you're if you're like depressed, just wake
[00:09:57] up in the morning, you just and then watch like kind of like fuck you style guy movies, you know,
[00:10:02] where that you know, I'm not I'm not the guy you fuck with. I'm the guy who fucks you. I'm the
[00:10:09] I'm the one that does fuck asshole fucking shit ass. Just imagine yourself as a bag man, a fixer.
[00:10:25] Sorry, I'm just I'm checking my DMS now. It's funny to me, it's gonna be the same joke
[00:10:36] throughout this where I just it just cuts to silence because I'm looking for headlines and I'm
[00:10:44] going to the DMS. It's wild that fucking that there's people that just do solo shows, you know,
[00:10:52] and it's wild that someone's capable of doing that, which it seems impossible to do. I really, I mean,
[00:10:58] it seems like very fucking hard to effectively sit by yourself and have the confidence to think
[00:11:04] that your meandering thoughts are like could possibly be entertaining to anyone. But then to
[00:11:14] actually be able to do it, which some people are, you know, I think I don't know. I mean, who had
[00:11:22] who does this by I gives Garrison Keeler probably. He just fucking makes up bullshit about a fake
[00:11:28] town. How the fuck, you know, it's funny because I think about the show and it's like, oh, we don't
[00:11:33] we got lucky, you know, it's a good time and a place and like specifically, you know, like having
[00:11:40] two or three idiots or friends with each other. I mean, you can find that anyway. I mean, it's like,
[00:11:46] I just think it was like this confluence of events and timing that kind of made the thing take off.
[00:11:51] But then you look at other shit that like predates, I think, like the the there's sort of like,
[00:11:56] there was like a there's like 9 11 and then there was the cultural version of 9 11, which is the
[00:12:03] invention of podcasts, which is Mark Marin getting a garage. I think that's that's what I that's like
[00:12:10] the planes going into the towers is Mark Marin pressing record on, on, you know, on in garage
[00:12:17] band for the first time. And and then everything that made like delineated culture from being something
[00:12:27] that's like edited to, you know, maybe it's commercial or whatever, but at least some thought went into
[00:12:32] it and it's produced and then distributed to people to being just a thing where everybody does
[00:12:39] exactly what I'm doing right now and produces shit. And then we all just eat the shit and then get
[00:12:45] sick from it like a like a big like human centipede that's like connected to itself.
[00:12:52] I think like but you you escape that and you go back and you look at other stuff and there's
[00:12:57] it's always been that way. There's always been just like dog shit like Garrison Keeler
[00:13:02] or defending the caveman. I mean, I guess maybe Garrison Keeler does edit what he does. Maybe he
[00:13:07] puts some thought into it. But I like to imagine that the pages are completely empty in that
[00:13:14] stupid fucking notebook. And he just goes on stage and he's like, Oh, it's so far. It was windy.
[00:13:22] It was a windy day in in Teddy Fuck Wisconsin. The the sheriff's pants blew off and sort of his
[00:13:32] shirt and his clothes, all of his cop clothes ended up on the town's biggest criminal. And
[00:13:42] and then the criminal, you know, that's like a fucking that's like a allegory. This it'll take
[00:13:49] people it'll take English professors years to figure out the moral of that story. And then there
[00:13:55] was a bitch named named named like Helga Sarsgard or like, you know, she's like and her deal is
[00:14:05] she's Swedish and fat. And she's always she's got like rosacea or something. And she's always
[00:14:12] making apple butter for people. And everybody was having a contest to see who could walk the
[00:14:19] the furthest out on the frozen lake. And she wanted to do she wanted to participate to prove
[00:14:24] that women could do things. But they were trying to dissuade her from doing it. Everybody in in
[00:14:31] Lake Wobagon, they didn't want her to go out on the frozen lake because, you know, she's a huge
[00:14:38] fat bitch. She probably weighed more than everybody else in that fucking town. And, and you know,
[00:14:45] she was like, Oh, well, you don't think a girl can do it. And like nobody wants to be like,
[00:14:51] no, you're a shoot, you're fucking fat. You're you're too fat to do it. So they kind of have to
[00:14:57] like tip down. They're like, no, it's not a gender thing. And then she's like, well, what is it?
[00:15:01] And they're like, okay, I guess you can participate in the so you can walk the furthest out in the
[00:15:07] the on the ice thing. And she appoints herself all the other women don't say anything because
[00:15:13] nobody can be rude to her about her fucking weight. And so she walks maybe two feet out on the ice
[00:15:18] immediately cracks right through the thing, sink into the fucking bottom dying, you know,
[00:15:24] and, and nobody saves her because she brought it on herself. And that's just kind of how the way
[00:15:30] things, you know, work out there, they just in the Midwest, they just they pray for you. That's
[00:15:35] definitely unique to everything that the Midwest thinks is unique about them. It's like the way,
[00:15:41] you know, like whatever. Anyways, back where were we like, well, we're gone. And, you know, so this
[00:15:48] bitch is dying. And the moral of the story is now she's caught she's fucked up this whole gender
[00:15:56] thing by, you know, stop making it this big fat bitch moment when you put any other normal woman
[00:16:05] out on the ice. And they could have done it. Never mind the fact that walking out to the middle
[00:16:09] of the lake has nothing to do with talent. It has nothing to do with ability. They choose something
[00:16:15] that requires a good. Are you back? All right, I started the show already. Yeah, I've started
[00:16:24] the show. Well, yeah, I'm just trying to do it, you know, I want to see what it would be like. I
[00:16:32] do 10 minutes up top. I've done 16 minutes so far. I started at 430. I'm doing, I'm doing Garrison
[00:16:43] Keeler. Yeah, it's on. I'm doing Garrison Keeler. Are you doing what Lake Wobe gone?
[00:16:52] Lake Wobe gone. Well, the whole premise is this is that I don't think that Garrison Keeler prepares
[00:16:59] it all. I think his little notebook is empty. And he just goes up and wings it. And he tells stories
[00:17:05] about Minnesota. I had two stories about Minnesota. The first one is about a sheriff.
[00:17:09] It's like a big storm and he goes out looking for the criminal in town. And the wind blows all
[00:17:18] of his clothes off and directly onto the criminal. Okay. And the story ends there abruptly.
[00:17:26] And the second story, I was in the middle of it. It's about there's a kind of middle winner. It's a
[00:17:32] competition in Lake Wobe gone to see who can walk out the furthest on the frozen lake without falling
[00:17:38] through. And naturally, all the men do it because they're the most brave. But then there's a woman
[00:17:45] who held a, held a Lund quest or whatever. Okay. Yeah. And she's Midwestern. Yeah. And she's
[00:17:54] fat as hell. You know, she makes apple butters. She's a fat bitch. She's a big type of bitch.
[00:18:00] And she's like, I'm like, Oh, I'm going to prove that women are as good as they can do it too.
[00:18:05] You know, okay. And so she wants to go. Yeah. She wants to walk out on the lake. And they're
[00:18:11] telling her they're like, you can't you're too much of a, I mean, you're a whale. No, they don't
[00:18:17] say that because nobody wants to hurt her feelings. They're like, they're Midwestern planes. Right.
[00:18:21] They're like, we don't think maybe you should do it. And she's like, why? Because a girl can't do it.
[00:18:27] And they're like, no, that's not what we're saying. I mean, a girl could, yes, a girl could do it.
[00:18:33] It's just maybe this time. You don't and nobody has the courage to say to her. So it's this competition
[00:18:39] of all of these people that are trying to show how brave they are with some traditional display
[00:18:45] of masculinity. But the masculinity that would matter that would actually save this woman's life
[00:18:49] by just telling her she's too fat to walk out into the middle of the lake. They're too
[00:18:52] right. They can't do it because they don't want to deal with the social consequences. They can't
[00:18:56] that's a great moral. So they can't deal with it. So this bitch walks out on the lake. And of course,
[00:19:00] she gets two feet out into the thing and she cracks through the ice and sinks to the bottom and dies.
[00:19:04] And no one was willing to save this woman from herself. No one jumped in. No one jumps in and saves
[00:19:09] her. They're all just sitting around praying for a Hilda, Hilda guard SARS brand.
[00:19:15] Praying what like Lutheran Lutheran prayer. Are they Lutheran? I think in the Midwest,
[00:19:20] that sounds like they're yeah. I don't know. That was my assumption. Well,
[00:19:24] that's that's pretty good. I just want to apologize for being late. Oh, it's fine. I mean, yeah,
[00:19:30] who cares? You know, we were due for a bad one anyways. You were here just with the dog in the
[00:19:35] apartment. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. You've found it suitable the accommodations. Yeah, sure. I'll
[00:19:41] recap you too. I told a story up front of somebody I know they told me that they volunteered as a
[00:19:45] hugger at the Special Olympics, which I didn't, you know, I told everybody already. I didn't know
[00:19:50] that there was that they were lacking in hugs at the Special Olympics. So it's not someone that
[00:19:57] special. That's what I said. It's like, you know, perhaps you were just in the Special Olympics.
[00:20:02] Yeah. You may be misunderstood. But volunteer, man. I think that's probably true. Yeah.
[00:20:10] Yeah. It was as if it was a, you know, it sounds like that'd be a job you'd give a retarded person.
[00:20:17] Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's very funny because there's so many ways to go with that.
[00:20:22] One that they were just in at the Special Olympics. It's one of these setups for a joke where it's
[00:20:26] like you were they hired retarded people to be the huggers, but they kept murdering people.
[00:20:30] Yeah. Well, I also like, I like the idea that they had other volunteers to like hand out
[00:20:36] juice or whatever. And they're like, Hey, can you hug some of them? And they're like, no,
[00:20:40] right? Absolutely not. I'm not touching. Yeah. I'm not fucking touching any of these
[00:20:46] retards. I just want to, I want to time them. I want to see how long it takes them to run.
[00:20:53] That's so nice. That that's a job. I mean, I would assume that they give really good hugs. So,
[00:20:59] I mean, some of them, you know, they seem like good huggers that community. Maybe not the ones
[00:21:06] with the small arms or, you know, or you guess the Paralympics are people that are missing limbs,
[00:21:13] right? Yeah. The Special Olympics, you could have a guy with a small arm. You could. Now, I don't
[00:21:21] mean to. What's going on? I'm not sure. Let me, I think nothing, but I just want to know.
[00:21:29] Did you get a text? No, but we have to move some stuff around because
[00:21:34] the head reads gonna fuck up. Oh, okay. I just want to make sure I'm not missing anything here.
[00:21:39] No, we're good. We are good. Yeah, it'll be interesting to see how bad that first 16 minutes of the show.
[00:21:48] I think they're probably good. It sounded pretty good to me. Not until I landed on the
[00:21:52] Garrison Keeler thing and then to just do that to absolute silence. I mean, it's, you know,
[00:21:58] he does it to a live studio. It doesn't do a live studio audience, but it's like, it's, it's,
[00:22:03] the concept of just sitting here pretending to be Garrison Keeler is very funny, but in,
[00:22:08] in, in actuality, it's, uh, no, I believe in you. I think you probably do an hour of that.
[00:22:14] It's, well, I could do an hour. I could do an hour. How, how many more weeks it would be funny
[00:22:20] to just see how long the show goes on if I just turned it into an hour of me doing improv,
[00:22:27] Garrison Keeler. I think these people take it for, yeah, but see how long it takes until
[00:22:33] there's absolutely zero downloads of the show. He's doing week after week.
[00:22:41] Like, how about this? There's a dog. There's a dog that's paralyzed. Okay. And some,
[00:22:47] there's an old man that has this dog. Yeah. And he loves the dog, but it's paralyzed and he
[00:22:51] can't walk it anymore. So he places it out in the yard. Okay. But little does he know a boy came by
[00:22:57] and was planting apple seeds, okay, all over like wobagon. And a tree starts growing underneath the
[00:23:04] dog. Yeah. And then it raises the dog, you know, because the tree grows. Yeah. The dog
[00:23:10] stuff paralyzed and it stays in the tree until the dogs above everyone in the town, but it's still
[00:23:16] paralyzed. So it's just pissing and shitting all over. It's finding a way to eat up there. It's eating
[00:23:22] the leaves at the apples. And that's like an American folk, folk story. Yeah. And the old man is the
[00:23:35] only one that knows about the dog. So there's all of this just apple flavored piss coming out of this
[00:23:41] tree. Yeah. And everybody's like, everybody, it's a tree that makes juice. It's a tree that's got
[00:23:47] its own apple juice. And no one can see the dog. It's pissing apple juice in everybody's mouth.
[00:23:58] They're all drinking it. And eventually one boy, he says, maybe we shouldn't neglect the elderly and
[00:24:05] he goes inside. Right. He says, you got to come outside. There's a tree that pisses or the tree
[00:24:11] that makes apple juice. So wait, the old man can see the see the dog, but he can't go outside and
[00:24:18] tell everyone about it. No, he's also paralyzed. Well, he's he's inside and nobody goes to visit
[00:24:24] him. And they're like old man, old man, Wilkerson, you got to come see this tree that makes apple
[00:24:30] juice ever with the mayor of Minnesota is here to meet the tree and drink piss or drink juice out
[00:24:37] of the trees leaves. And he goes outside and he's saying, actually, that's dog piss. And if you,
[00:24:45] if anyone had been so kind, what do they think the shit is? I think they explain the tree.
[00:24:56] His tree makes we're all going to be rich. The president's come to town and he's got
[00:25:01] shit dog shit smear. You got to get the president to see the magical trees.
[00:25:09] It was another day in Lake Wobagon. Yeah, just just another day.
[00:25:16] That's pretty good. Just get just get us in key like being like
[00:25:19] a there was a route route 20. There was a batteries plus that they turned into a
[00:25:30] laser tag place. Yeah. And and then they had to turn it back into a batteries plus. But the
[00:25:38] people didn't know where to get their batteries. People didn't know where to get the batteries.
[00:25:42] And also nobody in the Midwest, they're afraid of laser tag. Yeah, they think it's real. It sounds
[00:25:48] like a bunch of Yankee computers. I don't think they're afraid of Yankees. It's like a bunch of
[00:25:56] Yankee doodle computer nonsense to me. I don't know about laser tag. Yeah, we just got regular tag
[00:26:02] here a couple weeks ago. So they're all afraid of it. So they had to turn it back into a battery
[00:26:09] store. Now it's a batteries plus again. But the lasers are now haunted. They're now made out.
[00:26:27] that laser is a killer making up stories like a four year old. But now in the Midwest,
[00:26:35] they had there was a dairy farm and a dairy farm was the biggest dairy farm that anyone
[00:26:41] had ever seen. But when the when the president went to meet the cow, the cow farted and it
[00:26:49] made a gas so bad that it killed all the Japanese people. Yeah. And the president was blamed for it.
[00:26:55] And so then we had to go to war with Japan. And that's how World War II happened. And that's how World War II
[00:27:05] was off the rape. Yeah, it's right. He got me to get me to.
[00:27:10] Goddamn, imagine being that lady. The lady that had to come forward with her garrison killer
[00:27:17] rape store. Yeah. She had to talk about the most tragic experience in her entire life.
[00:27:22] And people are like the guy from the radio. I like to imagine his little book on stage,
[00:27:27] his little like moleskin book is just that what he takes up on stage. I think so. I have a mental
[00:27:31] image of him on stage. Yeah. And he's got a little I know Robert Allman made a movie about it.
[00:27:37] And and the book is his his chictionary and still lists of all the women that he sexually
[00:27:42] assaulted. And he's just reading through it and salivating and going into a fugue.
[00:27:47] Imagine he's having a rape flashback fugue where he's just drifting off. And he's like,
[00:27:54] and then they they had a tractor pull and everyone in the town.
[00:28:01] Just fucking losing his mind, fantasizing about some small town. How the fuck is that entertaining?
[00:28:09] The fuck is that shit even remotely entertaining to anybody?
[00:28:13] Yeah, I don't know. I think it's I think people just have it on. I don't know if they actually
[00:28:19] listen. I think it's just one of those things you're in the car, like on a road trip or something.
[00:28:25] You just have it on. Just have noise. So you don't have to talk to your wife.
[00:28:29] You know, when you're a kid and there's like a part of like culture at large that you can't
[00:28:32] really appreciate and then you get older and you kind of find something. Yeah. Yeah. When you're
[00:28:36] a kid, you're like, you know, like everything, you know, you're like, oh, little river band sucks,
[00:28:41] dick. You know, it's like this this sucks. You know, who is little river band?
[00:28:46] There's, you know, just some fucking shitty 70s rock band. They do like the credence style.
[00:28:52] Lonely, lonesome losers probably most popular. I don't know. Yeah. But you know, you get older
[00:28:57] and you're like, all right, I guess I can listen to this. Yeah. But fucking Prairie Home Companion.
[00:29:03] Never. I mean, like that. The older you get, the worse it gets. Did the show get taken down after
[00:29:08] you raped? Probably. We still need the show created and hosted by Garrison Kealer that aired
[00:29:14] live from 1974 to 2016. That's so long. Yeah. So long. That's a fucking institution. Yeah.
[00:29:24] That's 40 years. Jesus Christ. This is a herd on 690.
[00:29:30] Yeah. I just want to see a transcript from one of his little readings.
[00:29:46] Fuck. Where is it? Can you show me something here? Show me show me some books. Yeah. He had merch.
[00:30:03] This is the first one I find. We're at the Minnesota State Fair. We come for our annual
[00:30:09] Look at Cows. It's like it's worse than the Parodies. No, no. Yeah.
[00:30:18] Enormous Holstings. That's the one that's sitting on the president. I think it's pretty good.
[00:30:23] Enormous Holstings and Swiss cows lying down chewing fairy tale animals, ducks, chickens,
[00:30:29] geese, sheep, pigs. This is your only look at them all year. Goosey, Lucy and Henny
[00:30:35] Baby and babe and lamb chop all here. It's the home of the slingshot. You get strapped into a
[00:30:41] chair and then you sit there for the five longest seconds of your life and then the enormous bungee
[00:30:47] cords reach a 200 feet into the stratosphere and your stomach turns inside out. It attempts to
[00:30:53] simulate the effect of sitting on a love seat in the living room when your house blows up.
[00:30:58] Cue a bunch of dickless fucking 47 year old accountants laughing. Yeah.
[00:31:04] There are all sorts of octopus types rides in which you are strapped into your and you are a
[00:31:09] spun and flung laterally and vertically which simulates the effect of being in a van as it rolls
[00:31:15] over and over down a rocky slope. I mean suck my dick. I just I really
[00:31:27] it's just fucking complete garbage. I was brought up to not waste food because my
[00:31:35] ancestors came from countries with poor soil so vegetables were sacred to them. My mother used to
[00:31:40] say starving children in China would be happy to have that tomato but here's a tomato I don't
[00:31:45] think the starving children of China would be interested in at all. It's rotten. There are white
[00:31:50] things swimming in it. Pick it up. It sloshes. There's your sister bending over picking tomatoes.
[00:31:56] I wonder if you could hit her from here. Go ahead. Try.
[00:32:00] Well that's a story. This what I mean. I mean it just sounds like like what would you sit down
[00:32:04] and write this. If it's it sounds like if someone had a bus stop was saying that you'd be like
[00:32:10] yeah you try to move and yeah it's awful. Yeah yeah he looks disgusting. I never even knew it looked
[00:32:20] like this. The big annual tuba banquet. You've been to this before. It's deadly. A room full of
[00:32:26] tuba player. This is what he looks like. Yeah no he looks terrible. Oh god yeah. I like my my story
[00:32:35] is it is about the big bitch with the lake contest. That's pretty good. There's a lot going on there.
[00:32:42] There's a lot of things you could think about. Well there's like a morality to it right.
[00:32:46] Because like everyone's too afraid to offend her but not doesn't care enough about her life.
[00:32:52] Yes. You know that has more ambiguity than any of this guy's gay ass. Earlier I did call it
[00:32:58] Mark Twain bullshit and I tried to clarify immediately after that I do admire and respect
[00:33:04] Mark Twain and I think Mark Twain holds up. My friend told me he's reading Hookleberry Finn right
[00:33:09] now. He said it's the funniest book he's ever read. That's too far. I'm reading Charlie Kaufman's
[00:33:13] new book and it's fucking great. I just got it. It's so funny. Is it good? It's really good. He's
[00:33:17] a genius. Yeah yeah. He's I mean he's it's funny for a guy who like he is kind of one note I guess.
[00:33:25] Like he he does sort of make the same thing over and over again but um he's so funny that it's okay.
[00:33:32] Yeah he's so good. Yeah I re-washed uh Cinex Cinex... Cinexique New York? Yeah it's really good. Or whatever. I mean that
[00:33:40] might be as funny as movie. Um possibly. I mean it's like it's I think it's the first one he directed
[00:33:47] maybe. Yeah. Um well it's definitely funnier than I mean it is. I mean it is. I don't know. Yeah I
[00:33:55] can't think of anything funnier than that. Apparently adaptation's pretty funny but Cinexique
[00:34:00] there's so many good lines in that. Yeah. We're he's in the therapy. We're he's in the fucking
[00:34:04] therapy. The twin brother character is so fucking funny. That's just funny but that's... The screenplay
[00:34:09] that he's writing. Yeah that scene in Cinexique where he's sitting in the therapist's office and he's
[00:34:14] like oh he's like oh you think it's true what they say about you know child geniuses or whatever
[00:34:21] and I forget the exact line but the therapist's like oh yes she's like one of the best books ever
[00:34:25] written was written by a four-year-old and he's like what and she's like I have it right here and
[00:34:29] it's about like I don't know it's like some Polish name of a guy like a character and they're like
[00:34:34] yeah he's a he's a virulent anti-Semite that documents his initiation into the clan before being
[00:34:40] brutally uh uh tortured in a BDSM cult and then murdered by an African-American man by the name
[00:34:46] of the Jeremiah Washington Jackson Jefferson. What does he more often go as a four-year-old
[00:34:55] role? She goes of course he killed himself when he was five. Oh god that's so good. Yeah I heard that
[00:35:05] he was on the staff of the Dana Carvey show. Yeah and they they was like it lasted for like six
[00:35:11] episodes and it like had that like legendary writers room which had like Robert Smigel and like
[00:35:18] a bunch of other guys. Yeah but he wrote a sketch about about Weird Al having a twin brother named
[00:35:26] Weirder Al for he just do parodies of Weird Al songs. That's funny and it never aired but even
[00:35:32] that is like that's what I mean is like Charlie Kaufman can only write one type of thing. That's his
[00:35:37] thing. That's his thing. It's just like you know and I think that idea it never aired it eventually
[00:35:43] became he worked it into adaptation. Yeah I know that was like a story. Charlie Kaufman is just like
[00:35:48] what if Inception was as funny as The Simpsons. Yeah and that's yeah yeah totally his whole deal.
[00:35:55] I didn't like the puppet thing or I did not not that I didn't like it. I think I fell asleep when
[00:36:01] I was watching it. Anomalisa. Yeah yeah it didn't really do it for me but it was like a teleplay kind
[00:36:06] of yeah like a radio play I think. I find this uh this fucking this cushy dreams is what we're
[00:36:16] folks if let's talk about it. Yeah we gotta talk it so you talk about for a second. Have you
[00:36:20] smoked that shit? Oh I've smoked that shit. I've smoked that shit down. I smoked it to the face.
[00:36:25] And how did it make you feel? It made me feel better than I feel normally so that's that's good. It
[00:36:31] improved my uh the way I see myself the way I view myself and view the people in my life.
[00:36:38] It made me feel like they didn't hate me quite as much as I normally think they do.
[00:36:41] Mm hmm hate you. No I think everyone that meets me it's me strangers people that love me people
[00:36:47] that I love. Yeah yeah but cushy dreams it really lifts that cloud itself down. Yeah here we go folks.
[00:36:54] Sorry yeah you find that. Yeah cushy dreams they offer a full lineup of premium smokable CBD.
[00:37:00] So this is it's weed but then they remove the THC um I'm assuming with dangerous chemicals.
[00:37:08] Yeah they yeah of course. If you like weed experimental shit. Imagine the Monsanto version
[00:37:15] of of uh like of weed. This is factory farm. This is factory farms. The bad guys from Michael
[00:37:23] Clay. Tilda Swin takes the fucking THC out of the weed herself. Yeah it's the company from Michael
[00:37:29] Clay. Disgusting cold bitch pussy. Oh there's only. That movie is so good. That movie rocks.
[00:37:35] There's like one moment in it and she's just a bitch. She gets what she deserves. That scene
[00:37:40] where she's practicing her speech for the next day in the mirror. Yeah. Oh my god it makes you
[00:37:45] hate her so much. It should just be called the bitch who gets what she deserves. The bitch
[00:37:51] starring Tilda Swinton. Oh god that's such a good movie. Uh huh. I want to watch Michael Clay.
[00:37:56] Yeah George Clooney rocks. He's so cool. Anyway but George Clooney's favorite thing to smoke is
[00:38:02] cushy dream. He smokes cushy dreams. Um when he's on Lake Como with his uh with his his his wife.
[00:38:10] With his bitch. With his bitch. Hot bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Which is uh any time a mall Clooney comes
[00:38:16] up just being like I think you mean George Clooney's bitch. She's got a name. It's George Clooney's
[00:38:23] bitch. It's Clooney's bottom bitch. His cum sock. His his hold nut in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:38:35] I think she's a lawyer or something. Yeah she's a she's a humanitarian lawyer. Yeah. Excuse
[00:38:41] me but she's a Michael Clayton in her own right. Yeah do you know the movie Michael Clayton is
[00:38:46] actually based on George Clooney's bitch. Yeah she's a fixer. Yeah she's a his bitch is actually
[00:38:51] based on the character he plays. Anyways cushy dreams. Smokeable CBD. Um you it's a pre-roll CBD
[00:39:03] joints. Join the group of adults who are sick of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD.
[00:39:08] It's now shipping legally. It's all 50 states. So if you're worried about legality don't be
[00:39:13] you know it's not like buying a the lower receiver for a fully automatic AK-47 on on the dark web.
[00:39:20] Mm-hmm. It's stress free. You don't have to think about it. No it's it's way simple. It's nothing like
[00:39:25] you know going downloading the Tor browser and going to gunmarket.onion. Yeah and for the low low
[00:39:37] price of eight thousand dollars. Yeah which you can pay for with Bitcoin. You can go on Coinbase
[00:39:43] buy transfer to a wallet and then transfer you know over. That's how I'd do it. The onion router buy
[00:39:50] a the lower receiver buy a fully automatic AK-47 and then use that to kill to do insurrection to kill
[00:39:59] people. Kill yeah people who are saying bad things about the president on Facebook. It's not like
[00:40:06] that at all. It's legal. It's legal. You buy it on a regular website. All 50 states and they ship
[00:40:11] there. Yeah and it looks like high quality marijuana feels like high quality marijuana
[00:40:17] and tastes like high quality marijuana. I'm like I gotta get. What's wrong with you.
[00:40:22] Can't you get the. It's something weird going on with my nose. CBD content is up to 20 percent
[00:40:29] which is some of the highest in the game. You'll be the highest in the game. Not really because
[00:40:34] you won't get high at all. You won't get but you get a a thick, heavy body high. The attention to
[00:40:40] detail is noticeable in every beautiful flower. Wow they're gorgeous. I like to just look at them.
[00:40:46] I love just looking at my fake weed inviting girls over being like yeah you want a monster energy
[00:40:52] drink. I want to show you something. I got diet monster energy drink and I got to check out how
[00:40:59] beautiful this flower is. It's a gorgeous flower. I like to get a bouquet of cushy dreams. Right.
[00:41:05] They're looking at it. They can hear me breathing through my nose. My erection visible in my sweat
[00:41:09] pants. So what's up you want a fuck or something? Yo you ever listened to the fucking infected
[00:41:17] mushroom? Dude that shit's crazy. Yeah all right later. Yeah no I've never gotten any pussy. Yeah
[00:41:26] now just make sure I'll just screaming from the window so that the neighbors see a woman leaving.
[00:41:31] That counts dude. As long as the neighbors think I fucked. All right thanks for coming by.
[00:41:35] Glad we had sex. What's up Mike? Fuck. Hey Mike how you doing? Yeah no just saying goodbye to this
[00:41:43] bitch. Yeah you see that dark spot on my uh yeah it's weapon. I don't know it's pre-come. I pre-come
[00:41:50] a lot. Yeah check out the pre-come of my sweatpants. Yo you wouldn't come watch Michael Clayton?
[00:41:55] Yo it's a good movie. You got to come with dude. I don't understand it but there's a bitch in it.
[00:42:01] I know that that gets what she deserves. Y'all remember 2007? And you deserve to
[00:42:08] does not get you high. There's next to no THC. The bitch is what she deserves. She is such a
[00:42:15] cunt in that movie. Oh my god I'm getting pissed just thinking about it. Independent lab test shows
[00:42:20] compliance and purity. It's grown in California and Oregon. They got labs working on it. Dude that's
[00:42:25] an anarchist central up there. Oh my god. Yeah that's where you go there if you want to
[00:42:32] fight the powers it be. You go to California and Oregon and you put on a costume and shine laser
[00:42:38] pointers all over the place. Yep you got some umbrellas as shields. Each plant is hand selected
[00:42:44] by a team of experienced cannabis flower experts. It's an alternative for people looking to cut
[00:42:50] back on smoking other things which I don't know what that means. I guess it's kind of open ended.
[00:42:57] Well it's kind of alluding to men that are living on the down low. Yeah I think that's what it is.
[00:43:04] Yeah if you're a black man that sleeping with other black men. If you're a black man that's hiding
[00:43:09] the fact from your family that he goes clubbing every weekend and takes home guys. Yeah maybe you
[00:43:15] can switch to smokeable CBD because you're ripping poppers. Yeah it mixes well with other things that
[00:43:22] you can smoke. I like that these talking points are back to back. It's an alternative if you're
[00:43:27] looking to quote, quote smoking other things. It also mixes well with other things that you can smoke.
[00:43:33] Does imagine like oh duels having an ad like that. It can help you quit drinking a certain
[00:43:39] something. He can also mix it with Jack Daniels. How do those mixes perfectly with Jack Daniels
[00:43:49] whiskey for that little extra something that you may be missing. Yeah each batch is slow
[00:43:56] cured for two to four weeks to guarantee maximum freshness and preserved flavor and cannabinoids.
[00:44:01] They take the artisan approach. They got Steven Seagal in the factory using his sword on all the
[00:44:10] plants. Artisanally. Yeah yeah I'm gonna go ahead and slice this damn plant up right here.
[00:44:18] Go on easy slow now. His version of black guy is so good because it's Cajun black. It's Cajun slave.
[00:44:25] It's Cajun. It's antebellum Cajun slave. It'd be funny if like in all the woke marketing stuff
[00:44:31] they're like yeah we're actually gonna get rid of Steven Seagal. Because he's right.
[00:44:36] The character Steven Seagal has been playing for the last 20 years. Yeah we can't. He's racist.
[00:44:41] My friend told me he's got his hands on the SNL. The Steven Seagal SNL which is pretty much
[00:44:47] wiped from the internet. Oh really? But he has a torrent of it. I'm gonna watch it. They have
[00:44:54] organic farming practices. I don't know what that means. Some some democrat shit you know.
[00:45:00] This selection includes indoor exotic strains. Indoor exotic. What does that mean? It means it's
[00:45:07] hydroponically grown inside. But exotic means that it's like. I guess that's like in my mind
[00:45:15] indoor exotic makes me think of like a black gamer girl. Indoor exotic. Yeah. Yeah that's her twitch
[00:45:21] stream. Yeah if I was saying like if a girl was like I'm in indoor exotic. I was like oh okay so you
[00:45:26] got like dark skin and big tits and you are obsessed with anime. Yeah you're not good at
[00:45:31] video games because they're just washing your tits. An autistic black girl. Yeah we call a white unicorn.
[00:45:37] That's yeah that's I think that's what it's called. 100% hand trim. Never machine trim.
[00:45:48] And they get them trimmed from they all have papers. I knew an autistic black girl.
[00:45:54] I think we had a couple fans. Yeah her name is Greer. And she would talk just like this.
[00:46:00] My dad is the best at piano. Yeah that lady was annoying. She was just lying constantly.
[00:46:12] Is that a thing that autistic people do? I don't think they can't lie.
[00:46:16] Well she was I mean she was brutally honest. She would say things that wouldn't make any sense.
[00:46:20] Maybe she was just a loser. I don't know. Maybe I'm just giving her too much credit.
[00:46:24] Uh smokeable CBD flower they got three lines private reserve ultra premium premium
[00:46:30] every can size three and a half grams. So it's an eighth. Each can is nitrogen sealed for
[00:46:35] optimum freshness. Freshness. Oh god. I'm gonna start replacing all ends with amps.
[00:46:42] It's a cooler way to talk. Like if you know a girl named Natalie you call her Natalie.
[00:46:49] It's got to be after. It's gonna be the middle of the word. Like I can't even think of a word.
[00:46:55] Well instead of grandma you would say grandma. Grandma. You know people like that. Like a sleigh.
[00:47:02] Oh yeah Tim Hortons. I'm trying to go to Tim Hortons. What what's wrong?
[00:47:08] My girlfriend just hit a car. With your car? With her car. She's got her own car.
[00:47:15] Yeah we we're a two car operation. She lives here? No she doesn't live here. She's just she's just
[00:47:25] she's in and out but we were just picking stuff up and I think she ran back out and
[00:47:31] should I call her? I guess I should call her. Yeah. I don't want to leave if you're hanging
[00:47:36] again. I mean it's fine. I'll deal with it. It's the shit. It's summertime you know the world's
[00:47:40] ending. So they got three lines here. The private reserve indoor grown the ultra premium that's
[00:47:46] indoor grown and then premium indoor slash outdoor grown. This I don't like. They started the lowest
[00:47:53] tiers called the premium I guess and then ultra premium and private reserve. This is sort of like
[00:47:59] we only got three sizes large super large and diabetes. You don't like so there's the regular
[00:48:06] I'm going to rebrand this for them. They got the regular one which is the premium and that's the
[00:48:10] indoor outdoor grown and then the other ones I said. You can mix it with anything else you like
[00:48:18] to smoke. I've actually been thinking about trying to cultivate my own opium which to get a little
[00:48:24] poppy plant and then you know I would I guess I would watch YouTube videos of Indian guys
[00:48:30] Lansing poppies and then cure the latex myself and then maybe I'll mix that with my with my
[00:48:37] completely legal CBD to turn it into a schedule one narcotic and kill myself with opiates.
[00:48:44] Dude you got to get the long pipe we've been saying this. Yeah the Nick style but see part of the
[00:48:50] appeal of like the the opium thing is that scene in the Nick where you come to and you're just staring
[00:48:57] at a bunch of Chinese bush. You know what I mean? Yeah he would get a horse to watch him do. Yeah
[00:49:03] yeah which is pretty cool in my opinion and bring your Chinese bush over here. I want to wake up to
[00:49:09] it. Oh no she didn't pick up. Well what is it? I mean how do you know she got an accident?
[00:49:15] She just texted me. She said the steering wheel is in my rib cage. She said I just hit a car.
[00:49:20] I think she's okay probably. She said it's fine. So here's what we got. We got six choices
[00:49:26] of strange specific full flower cans is relax, peace, create, hustle, energy, and dream.
[00:49:33] And you can go look at the website because I don't know if I want to
[00:49:38] I'm just going to get tongue tied here rattling off. Yeah what these hybrids are they got pre-roll
[00:49:44] CBD joints with the same thing. So they got indica, sativa's, hybrids. Yeah they got things for
[00:49:52] energy, things for chilling. Yeah so go to cushygrdrims.com, spell k-u-s-h-y dreams,
[00:50:00] and then check out use promo code COMTOWN for 20% off your first order. So you want to
[00:50:05] smoke your CBD because you can. Every time I go for it. Yeah smoke it. Smoke it because
[00:50:16] it's you have it. Smoke my penis baby. Smoke my penis. Smoke my penis. Smoke my penis.
[00:50:26] I just scrolled through the calendar. Mm-hmm. I see my 32nd birthday. Yeah what are we doing for
[00:50:32] that? I don't know. I mean it's not for a while but fuck you just get older and older. It's embarrassing.
[00:50:39] It's really embarrassing. 32 is an embarrassing age. Yeah it's fucking 33 is pretty embarrassing.
[00:50:46] Yeah but I remember when you turned 32 and I was like god damn that's fucking that sucks. Yeah it's
[00:50:54] yeah it's it makes you feel bad when you think about it really hard. Yeah but whatever I don't know.
[00:51:01] At least I'm not a woman. Yeah at least my body doesn't have a clog. And like Wobgan it was the
[00:51:09] fall solstice. You know what that means any woman over the age of 33 was thrown into a giant meat
[00:51:15] grinder and turned into applesauce. Yeah well all the women without offspring. Yeah every kind of
[00:51:21] woman in the world was there. Big women slightly less big women a different kind of big woman
[00:51:26] and of course flat-chested women then were also just sort of boxy. Annoying. Yeah annoying flat-chested
[00:51:33] boxy women. Oh god. It was the the Minnesota Fair of all the different types of women.
[00:51:40] Pause for polite NPR laughs. There's people that have like have never actually authentically
[00:51:47] laughed in their life. They just listen to NPR. They're just fucking like libs and fucking listen to
[00:51:53] NPR. For some reason the laughs on Way Way don't tell me are more offensive. Yeah because it's
[00:52:00] Garrison Keeler is like oh this is whimsical but he's not necessarily doing punch lines.
[00:52:05] But Way Way don't tell me is like we are killing right now. And it is just it is dog shit. Yeah and
[00:52:11] it's it's all it's awful. I feel like that would be very funny is every Garrison Keeler performance
[00:52:18] ended with a severely mentally disabled man with no clothes on coming out on stage and violently
[00:52:25] caving his skull in with a ball peen hammer. Yeah and then Mark Twain comes out and he goes
[00:52:35] or you know Steinbeck or whatever and he's like yeah ladies and gentlemen the violent retard.
[00:52:41] Yes they get a village idiot from each town in Minnesota. Yeah they're like this this week from
[00:52:48] well it was just Minnesota. It was a warm 44 degree May afternoon like well begun and the
[00:52:56] townsfolk had gathered in the square to watch the annual torturing of the mentally disabled boy
[00:53:02] and he screamed and he cried and he wailed in his metal cage as they threw apple butter at him
[00:53:08] as they coated his penis and apple butter and let the squirrels have at it. Well the old apple
[00:53:20] butter on the retard's penis trick was once again a huge success and the second the blood drained
[00:53:27] down his legs they knew there would be four more weeks of winter. That's a bit. Oh god something had
[00:53:36] gone wrong that year and the the hinges on the retard's cage came loose and he escaped and instead
[00:53:45] of getting revenge on his direct captors he raped an entire class of kindergarten students.
[00:53:52] Yes just another day on Lake Wobegan. Yeah Garrison Helter Skeeler.
[00:54:05] He's just just a brutal just satanic Garrison Keeler. That'd be cool just to go do those just stories
[00:54:12] about some Queen Town but then there's like child sacrifice. Yeah doing sacrifices to be
[00:54:17] elves above. Yeah yeah that'd be cool. Did you see the midsummer? I feel like if I was a if I was
[00:54:23] like a Gen X or I would go do that that would be. Instead of stand up comedy I would just do
[00:54:29] satanist Lake Wobegan monologues and then you know people would be like so what do you do?
[00:54:37] I'd be like fucking nothing and then girls would be like cool.
[00:54:39] Then I would just I would get really just just real garbage policy problems. Do you remember
[00:54:46] when the Church of Satan would like respond to Trump? No. Maybe like you're an idiot. People
[00:54:53] would be like even the Church of Satan thinks he's an idiot. No no no that's very gay. We deserve
[00:54:59] everything that's coming to us. Oh we deserve everything that's happened. Yeah yeah. You know
[00:55:04] it's funny because you know that there was a good Jew on the train to Auschwitz and who was
[00:55:09] probably like you know this is our fault right? That you all just said to be saying it's our fault.
[00:55:16] We deserve this. We couldn't dial it back just a little bit. You had to fucking ruin it for everybody.
[00:55:23] It's a Boston Jew. Yeah yeah. Those guys from Newton. Yeah we had the fucking ruin it for everybody.
[00:55:31] It'd be funny if they if there was a like the Holocaust happened but it was to people from Boston.
[00:55:36] Yeah I think it would have been a lot of people have like Hitler just hated people from Boston
[00:55:41] which for some reason there were millions of in Berlin in Europe in the 1930s. The Boston question.
[00:55:49] Yeah I got to hide in the fucking attic.
[00:55:59] Now I got to write about a fucking dream I had. Yeah they say they're giving us a shower.
[00:56:05] Yeah I'm like what the fuck you think I'm dirty. What the hell is this gas?
[00:56:09] That's dirty. What is this gas? What is this gas? Smells like fucking gas.
[00:56:16] This is no fucking shower. They're too stupid for the gas to work.
[00:56:24] They say it doesn't work on them. They don't use enough oxygen.
[00:56:28] They're too stupid. They breathe every 10 minutes. They just they breathe in lobster butter. Just
[00:56:35] atomize lobster butter and they do not have any way to get oxygen into their blood.
[00:56:42] Yeah that would be funny if they did that. It would be funny. It wouldn't. Boston strong.
[00:56:48] Oh yeah. Yeah we'd have to never forget the Boston tragedy.
[00:56:57] Yeah it's so funny that people already forgot that marathon.
[00:57:01] Yeah who fucking cares. Nobody remembers the marathon.
[00:57:04] No it just became a meme that they were innocent.
[00:57:13] It's weird that you don't hear it hard. It's very weird that every city right now is burning
[00:57:19] except the Boston. Yeah well they they they hid their black people. Where?
[00:57:26] I think in like there's one day Lawrence Fishburne's character in Mystic River.
[00:57:30] Yeah. That's a great performance from him.
[00:57:34] Yeah just showing up just the beginning of the movie. Yeah we're investigating a moita.
[00:57:39] It's just showing up with that stupid accent.
[00:57:51] Yeah. He's so funny dude. He looks like absolute shit in John Wick.
[00:57:57] I don't. Oh yeah he isn't John Wick. Yeah.
[00:58:00] And I think maybe he's in the sequel in John Wick too.
[00:58:02] Yeah I think so. But he just took the first two John Wick's off of streaming.
[00:58:07] I wanted to watch them again. I mean he looks like after they finished shooting the matrix he
[00:58:11] went into one of those pods and was just like a tank load up the Cinnabon program.
[00:58:20] Sat in there destroying his body. A tank load the Cinnabon and fucking Bailey's mini's
[00:58:27] simulation and we're going to run that until we film John Wick too and see what it does to my body.
[00:58:34] Yeah he looks like absolute shit. I mean it's not like he looked that great before.
[00:58:38] It's like black people saved up all the aging and then made him do the-
[00:58:42] He's their portrait of Dorian. Yeah. He's like black don't crack.
[00:58:49] Yes because we made a deal. We made a deal with Satan that Lawrence Fishburne would age on our
[00:58:55] behalf. Oh there's that classic all black people made a deal with Satan to make sure that Lawrence
[00:59:01] Fishburne aged on their behalf stereotype. Yeah once again go ahead. Go ahead cancel me for it.
[00:59:07] Go ahead. I think I've been like a Boston guy that just works at like a like a like a pizza restaurant
[00:59:14] or like a short order cook. No one knows who he is. He has a Twitter account with two followers
[00:59:19] that he just uses to yell about Boston sports and uh but in his personal life he's like I'm
[00:59:25] okay I'm gonna fucking say what do you go ahead cancel me. Go ahead fucking cancel me.
[00:59:30] I think he's a victim of cancel culture. Right and there's just nothing to cancel. That is the
[00:59:34] best way to go ahead fucking cancel. I feel like I can't even share my fucking opinions anymore.
[00:59:39] No one cares. Go ahead fucking cancel me for what are you gonna do get me canceled?
[00:59:45] Yeah that's that's the best guy is the guy that no like that literally is on the fringes of society
[00:59:51] that thinks he's constantly under the tyranny of cancel culture or like the open miker that's like
[00:59:57] if it wasn't for cancel culture I would be huge. Yeah like doesn't realize that he just sucks at
[01:00:03] comedy. Yeah you know. Are there a lot of those guys? I think they're like guys that are like
[01:00:07] it's because I'm too hot for TV. It's I don't get that dude. You see a lot of people that have
[01:00:12] failed a comedy that like have some kind of justification for it and it's like I can honestly say because
[01:00:18] I mean I did comedy for a decade and it didn't work out and I was broke and there was like no
[01:00:24] indication that this show was gonna happen or anything was gonna fucking happen. Yeah.
[01:00:28] Remember like coming to terms with the fact that I'm like just okay like I was okay enough to get
[01:00:35] the bare minimum amount of work to call yourself a professional comedian. I think the answer is is
[01:00:39] that it's just really hard and you have to kind of be lucky sometimes. Sure but I mean it's like I
[01:00:44] don't like I wasn't getting to a place where I'm like oh well the reason it didn't happen is this.
[01:00:49] The industry. Yeah it's just like you have to be one guy and it has to be lucky right now. Who?
[01:00:55] Podcast that I think no one listened to except for you and Dan Soder that you showed me once.
[01:01:01] That was very funny. Oh yeah. But his whole perspective was that it wasn't that his
[01:01:06] his was not a cancel culture. His whole perspective was that that that PC culture he had a whole
[01:01:13] ranch against PC culture. I thought it was very good. I don't remember that. I remember the dating woes
[01:01:19] which was the date. Oh man. I gotta go back and listen to that shit. That was so funny. That was so
[01:01:27] good. Me and me and Dan what we're describing right now is a 40 something year old man who's
[01:01:32] decided. Yeah me and I compliment once from people are gonna find out who it is. You get you get really
[01:01:37] gotta keep the details slim. I'll keep them slim. Yeah. But yeah me and Dan on the way but we
[01:01:44] drove back from Boston and fucking just did like six hours of that show. Just pausing it to laugh.
[01:01:51] The name is so good. The name is so good. Oh god. Yeah. Oh yeah. I mean I think that is like really
[01:02:04] that is a great character type though. Because like you know when you're in open my comedy
[01:02:11] you're like starting you're surrounded by delusion. You know and it is it is very funny. Like pretty
[01:02:19] much there's there is a bevy of people we've met over the years that we're very sure they were
[01:02:24] gonna make it. Were there? I think so. It's funny because it's like it's kind of like you need to
[01:02:30] be humble in comedy. Yeah. So there's a lot of people that affect that. That well prior to like
[01:02:37] now I think with like a lot of like you know it feels even weird saying like woke comedy because
[01:02:43] I am out of touch and I'm like I wasn't doing shows or mics prior to this COVID bullshit. But
[01:02:48] just from what I see online like a lot of people that do feel entitled to comedy. Yeah and they do
[01:02:54] it and they do it because like they presume that like comedy was nothing but like rich white men
[01:03:01] that are like this is my place in the world. Well it's two sides of the same coin. I think the
[01:03:06] guy that thinks that he's too edgy to be successful and the guy that thinks that because he's a
[01:03:13] pansexual he can't make it in this industry. But there weren't the same thing. People that were
[01:03:18] like I'm too edgy to make it were mentally ill. I mean they're like those are the best people.
[01:03:25] They're the best people. You know there was never and which you could say it's two sides of the
[01:03:30] same coin. I mean like I kind of there's probably people on the other side in like the woke comedy
[01:03:36] world that are like I'm too I'm too much of a truth teller like they have to have their
[01:03:41] Tom Myers basically. Yeah they're like whoa because it's because I'm too trans. You know I'm not
[01:03:49] successful. And then the other trans comedians are like sure. Yeah that's what it is. Yeah.
[01:03:59] Oh god yeah I mean like I don't know I remember when I moved up here I would follow on Facebook
[01:04:06] DC Comics calling each other out on Facebook about disrespecting their rooms and saying you're
[01:04:14] never allowed back in my rooms. I'm like the just like the kind of the sort of power that they kind
[01:04:20] of felt like they had or that they felt like they were expressing was very funny. Yeah because it's
[01:04:25] like but you're talking about an open mic and you know clarin then on a on a Tuesday. Yeah you know.
[01:04:32] Yeah I mean people are truly insane. But those yeah those are the most entertaining. I mean I
[01:04:41] would rather watch 10 hours of of that than 10 hours of mediocre you know because there's a virtue
[01:04:49] to being the worst. Yeah you know whatever. Yeah I mean it's like you you at least used to have to
[01:04:56] like affect some humility though. But I think to even try out stand up unless you're someone
[01:05:00] that's like genuine I think very few people like genuinely like you know have some sort of calling
[01:05:06] like they think they have. But for the most part you have a kind of a sense of entitlement early on
[01:05:11] like oh this is this is something that you could that it's something that a person does you know.
[01:05:17] Yeah that's kind of based on delusion. So you you should want to be very fucking good at calm.
[01:05:25] I mean you need that it's not entitlement but it's like you should be motivated by wanting to be
[01:05:29] I mean literally you should set your sights on being the best comedian. That is the right attitude.
[01:05:35] I mean yeah anything you want to do you should always like think of like otherwise there's no
[01:05:39] point. Right you should set your sights on being the very best person to ever do the thing ever.
[01:05:44] But then you meet her that with like some sense of like I mean you just don't be an asshole.
[01:05:50] Yeah with exactly and but like in terms of your work ethic and what you're doing it's like you
[01:05:55] should always be trying to make yourself better because I mean competition will make you you know.
[01:06:01] Yeah yeah and then like if you're ever like oh I just you know I kind of want to find my place
[01:06:06] in the thing it's like well you know then you're just going to suck. I mean you're just going to
[01:06:11] turn into a fucking loser. Yeah or kind of person that starts off and assumes that they're good.
[01:06:17] Yeah. Which I think is like there are a ton of people that are of comedy that assume that they're
[01:06:23] good. Yeah. Just absolute dog shit. And like very few people are immediately good.
[01:06:30] Sarah was when we started. Sarah moved to Philly. She moved to Philly. Yeah.
[01:06:36] I talked to her. She's rats on your move Sarah. Yeah she just moved a couple days ago.
[01:06:40] I remember seeing her at her second open mic when she had braces and she was like this is my second
[01:06:45] time. I'm gonna go down there and hang out with her. I'd be down to go to Philly. Yeah.
[01:06:49] I've been to Philly in a while. Are you guys in good terms? Yeah we text. Yeah. Yeah.
[01:06:54] She's only a very nice gift basket along with you. A couple weeks ago.
[01:07:02] Yeah what else? Let's say let's wrap it up. Yeah I guess you got to do your birthday party.
[01:07:07] No I don't have to do it yet. I had to pick things up for someone's birthday.
[01:07:13] I actually do have to. I have like I have the thing I gotta work on. I gotta start work on.
[01:07:21] Which. Well I guess we fulfilled. Yeah you know that's it. That's what it is.
[01:07:27] Folks sometimes you're just gonna get a little bit of garrison killer riffing in 22 minutes of
[01:07:33] ad read. Yeah that's not bad. You know it's a nice day. Maybe take this one. You get it on the JBL
[01:07:39] out on the beach. Yeah and yeah take it out. Yeah take the you know freeze be going out on the beach.
[01:07:46] Get the JBL out now. Put the podcast on. Re-listen to it. Maybe without headphones.
[01:07:52] And then you can appreciate it a little bit more. Maybe if there's a Hispanic family sitting nearby.
[01:07:57] Playing their damn music. Playing their music. Maybe they'll overhear me saying this
[01:08:02] and you like they'll pick a fight with you. And maybe offend. They'll be like what the fuck is this
[01:08:06] bro. What the hell is it? There's on your block. There's like a the the building next to Amber's
[01:08:12] old place is being sold. Oh yeah that like warehouse. With a real estate agent's name is
[01:08:19] Sandra Meskin. And it's I was just about you call her up. She's just like I'm the real estate
[01:08:29] agent. I'm Sandra the one who is Meskin. That's pretty good. Yeah. She's a southern Mexican. Yeah
[01:08:38] she's a Mexican. Yeah I guess yeah Mexicans don't say that. They don't say it. I guess Black people
[01:08:45] yeah from Texas say Meskin. Yeah that's true. Are you a Meskin boy? You you want to a Meskins. Yeah
[01:08:52] I don't want my daughter running around with no miss. You know that the change of the name of the Washington
[01:08:57] Meskins. I don't even know they would call the Meskins. I really hope they fuck up that new name.
[01:09:07] Yeah I'm really hoping. Well they should just leave it as football team because it really that really
[01:09:12] is the Washington football team would be sick. And that's what it is and that's the only name
[01:09:16] you can use really. That's the only one the future proved. Oh yeah. Literally anything else you use
[01:09:22] it's like oh yeah you don't know. Well football is offensive in and of itself. Yeah. Barbaric sport.
[01:09:29] Also paraplegic people. They don't have people without people without feet. What about people without
[01:09:35] balls? Yeah exactly. What if in two years there's a trans person that's like well my gender is I
[01:09:41] have a penis but instead of balls it's a foot. There's a foot. So I got a foot. So it's a yeah
[01:09:48] it's instead of my balls act. There's there's a foot that also has a pussy in it. Like you've
[01:09:53] seen in sex shops and my penis rests on top of the foot. And somebody's like you know what do you
[01:10:00] call these people footballs and then they're like that's offensive. You're going to jail. And then
[01:10:05] I think if someone got a sign is like you seen I got to change the name again. It cost me 45 dollars.
[01:10:15] It's a really good dance night. It cost me 45 dollars. Is it the name changing office until
[01:10:22] last time. I had to start a new limited liability corporation. I'm allergic to spending money.
[01:10:34] What does he reach from Six Flags? His initial thing was that when he was in college he would
[01:10:40] rent private jets and then sell seats on the private jets to go to spring break.
[01:10:47] So that's clever. Yeah so he would like rent out an entire private jet and then sell like
[01:10:53] plane tickets basically. So he's a party guy. Yeah and then he would like charter flights to the
[01:10:58] Bahamas or whatever charging like a shit ton of money for this private jet planes because you
[01:11:03] only have to rent you don't rent the plane for a day. And then basically yeah it's like subletting
[01:11:08] a plane. So wow that's smart. Good for snider. If I remember correctly that
[01:11:15] that's like he made like a million you know as a private time he graduated. Yeah yeah doing that.
[01:11:21] Wow what a legend. Yeah shout out to the legend dance. Dipping all my plane money.
[01:11:29] I took my bar mitts for money. Which seems like a scam. Seems like that. What's the name of that
[01:11:34] that fire festival guy. Yeah I forget it was Michael McDonald. Yeah I think it was.
[01:11:40] The different Michael McDonald's. It's the same Michael McDonald's. I was the same guy. Yeah I was
[01:11:45] thinking about having a festival down in the Bahamas. I called up Ja Rule. Yeah I was like Ja.
[01:11:51] Yeah me and me. I got down to the Bahamas. I got an idea. I have a vision. Yeah me and my friend Ja Rule
[01:11:57] actually. We worked together. He's a very very talented guy. And he had the idea to
[01:12:07] rip a bunch of people off actually. Yeah it was me. You ever see that music video that song he did
[01:12:11] with Shaka Khan? Michael McDonald. No. It's very funny because he's just like
[01:12:19] if they're in like a room and she's standing up and he's just seated at a table and he doesn't
[01:12:24] know what to do with his body. Was it you the other day was talking about that Louis
[01:12:32] through documentary where the black Israelites said that uh they were like he's asking them like
[01:12:37] what famous people are are actually black. And he's like well there's there's actually one singer.
[01:12:43] Yeah you said that right. Yeah Tom Jones. Tom Jones.
[01:12:46] Let me see if I can find this video. We'll just leave on this one. All right.
[01:12:54] Um keep talking. Yeah I saw a store in the West Village
[01:13:01] the other day. It was a men's uh men's wear leather leather store called Slightly Alabama.
[01:13:09] You heard of this Nick? No. No. I thought it was a weird name for uh
[01:13:16] First War for wealthy gay men. Slightly Alabama. I don't know. That's that's that you know
[01:13:24] what is that you know is that something maybe? Um sort of I can't find it. Oh you're trying to
[01:13:32] find that Michael makes all of it. Yeah it's it's very funny. Was he on a beach or something?
[01:13:38] No they're in an apartment and he's just like sitting at like a dinner table and then she's next
[01:13:43] to him and they're not like singing directly to each other. They're just um
[01:13:51] They just uh keep talking. Um yeah what was the what um
[01:14:01] I watched Rebel Without a Cause last night Nick. That's a great movie. It's really good. Yeah
[01:14:07] I'd never seen it before but I hadn't I hadn't noticed that our old friend what's his name Dennis
[01:14:13] Hopper plays one of the young one of the young gang gang kids and I was looking up later um
[01:14:22] apparently uh Nicholas Ray on the set of it uh raped Natalie Wood when she was 16 and Dennis Hopper
[01:14:31] uh and Nicholas Ray had a falling out as a result. Yeah. Or maybe dated. I don't know well I guess
[01:14:37] statutorily raped her. You're not allowed to rape anybody. That's messed up man.
[01:14:45] Yeah rape. I don't think that's very fucking cool. The the the funniest scene in that movie is
[01:14:52] when Natalie Wood tries to kiss her father and he said he said god damn it you're too old for this.
[01:14:58] She gets hurt that her dad won't kiss her. Yeah you'll be alright. I haven't seen it in probably like
[01:15:03] it's on max seven years. I just got HBO Max. I got rid of all streaming. Well I just I use my dad.
[01:15:51] It's just it's baddie labelle not shocking but I just love his just sort of rotating and that just they just know
[01:16:00] Whoever directed that was like yeah, whatever he had a no-standing clause in his contract. Yeah
[01:16:06] Because I thought for years somebody told me that fucking that
[01:16:10] What's his name Marlon Brando refused to wear pants on the set of the score but that's not true
[01:16:17] And they had to shoot it from the way that not true
[01:16:19] It there's just there's clearly a scene where he's wearing pants, but yeah, like if that had been
[01:16:24] Yeah, he's so fat. Yeah, he's he's a million pounds
[01:16:29] Mikey you gotta do this one for but ever be great a slaske on your last school
[01:16:34] It's the last one and you're out you don't have to do it again. It's constipated
[01:16:41] Oh god, I used to be sexy and now I weigh 600 pounds
[01:16:48] I care a lot about native Americans though. Mm-hmm
[01:16:52] Yeah, it's funny how hard he got booed percent in sack of your way to
[01:17:01] He's so good. Yeah, it is funny to see just I mean cuz Hollywood's always just been full of shit. Mm-hmm, but
[01:17:09] The kind of applause you could get an award show even though 90% of the pandering for pandering mm-hmm when I thought that Ricky Gervais
[01:17:19] Set he did maybe the Golden Globes was very funny. I don't remember it. I wouldn't be like I don't know
[01:17:26] Wouldn't like well you remember when I guess it was like yeah, but he was like none of you people actually Michael Moore was like fuck the Iraq
[01:17:36] Fuck you mr. President. We do not want this more mr. President
[01:17:41] You know he refused to wear pants during the filming bowling for column and at the Oscars
[01:17:55] Yeah, they didn't show it but yeah, yeah, Michael Moore
[01:17:59] Just completely nude really weighs down. We do not want this war mr. President
[01:18:04] We do not want you with an illegitimate election that was stolen. He said you're an illegitimate president. Yeah
[01:18:15] In a fictitious war Michael Moore has never been wrong
[01:18:22] I think he's I think he's maybe he's been wrong a couple times actually I watched I watched his last documentary to
[01:18:29] Fahrenheit 11 9 and the only part I didn't like about it was he was really into the
[01:18:37] He was like maybe these kids got it figured out. Yeah, and I was like oh, that's
[01:18:42] That's kind of gay. Well besides that I agreed with him
[01:18:48] This works out because we did 18 a little 18 extra to make up for the 16 at the top
[01:18:53] So we're done 16 at the top was good. No, you weren't even here. I'm bad. I bet it was I kept slipping up and saying slurs
[01:19:01] I got my nervous tick. Maybe listen back to that. Mm-hmm. All right. Thanks until next time until next time same funky
[01:19:10] Time same funky place. All right at the funky guy you listen into groovy one old groove point