Cum Town | Regular | 10/20/2016
[00:00:24] folks we're back back again uh special guest Ian Carmel all the way from
[00:00:35] Portland hey gang uh no we're just kidding it's a different Ian it's Ian
[00:00:41] uh much gay or Ian it's Ian salmon all the way from DC
[00:00:45] remember that guy yeah what's true he is salmon
[00:00:49] yeah that bit about Chinese drivers what was it uh I don't know he sucked you
[00:00:55] know they bad they fucking they bad yeah my favorite joke of his was he was
[00:00:58] like yeah you know I mean I use my patois sometimes you know certain
[00:01:03] situations where I have to use my patois and it's like what do you mean use
[00:01:06] your you just don't have an accent it's like a weird character that you do it
[00:01:10] use your patois you just some bumba clots if Ian Fidell you'll notice I'm just
[00:01:17] so everyone knows right we're doing the intro it's called a cold open yeah you
[00:01:22] fuck get off your phone bitch I'm not on my phone I'm not on my phone I'm on my
[00:01:27] phone I'm on my phone we didn't even know what it is you watch family matters I
[00:01:31] yeah once or twice did plenty of cold opens okay pretty much pioneered the
[00:01:37] format which isn't true at all in fact cheers did it perfect strangers did you
[00:01:42] know I wait what is that a good one always family matters was a spinoff of
[00:01:46] perfect strangers no really was when yeah no yeah when's it was the cop I was
[00:01:51] a spinoff that was the more successful spinoff than the original show
[00:01:55] perfect strangers was original then family matters happen is that the one
[00:01:58] with Balki a spinoff what perfect strangers per exchange a few
[00:02:03] people he and Carl when Carl Winslow was in perfect strangers yeah no it was
[00:02:08] a perfect strangers off a die hard die hard then goes busters cuz Reginald
[00:02:13] Val Johnson was every cop in the 80s he's a homosexual man yeah well your name
[00:02:18] can't be Vell Johnson yeah do you mean Dell Johnson I know I don't it's
[00:02:25] bad like velvet don't you know who I am I'm Carl Winslow just him pitching a
[00:02:36] fitted long John Silver's I need my velvet lunch so days well I feel like
[00:02:44] they'll be like that gay black I think but they always said like they got a
[00:02:50] where you all come over how come you don't come over
[00:02:53] little boy I see weeks fuck they all sound like that there was gay to right
[00:03:07] who van draw yeah no yeah he was not you dance to never came out was he yeah he
[00:03:14] never came out cuz he did not see that's his like most famous song dance with
[00:03:18] my father what do you think dance means first of all every song is a
[00:03:23] euphemism for fucking every single song in existence true right with the
[00:03:28] exception actually of a of a nookie by Limp is that's actually about the
[00:03:35] great normal contrast yeah it's about the bubbles was it also Uncle Phil gay
[00:03:43] yeah every team fat black TV uncle Phil and Carl Winslow used to fuck
[00:03:49] behind me that's gonna be awesome I would love to watch them fuck my car call
[00:03:55] that's gonna be a right that I don't know if I'll pay a couple who'll
[00:04:00] ride they'll call good bit you came early great you know
[00:04:11] Oracle wasn't gay because he made them create that's the fun we talked about
[00:04:14] this yeah I know we've come up quite a bit creates
[00:04:21] up on that up yeah we listen back to old com
[00:04:25] towns if you want to talk about it we've seen we've seen I've seen it right on
[00:04:27] four shows in my life I've seen family matters I've seen perfect strangers
[00:04:32] fresh Prince I've seen seven days and I've seen seven days seven seven seven seven
[00:04:41] days was a TV show on up ends prime time lineup in the late 90s about a time
[00:04:47] machine they can only go back seven days in the past so like you know they'd be
[00:04:53] they'd go Anthony jusel Nick no look look look little faglia or Anthony
[00:05:00] la digla de la dig suck leah oh the dude that was in a brother he's the brother
[00:05:04] Empire records he's the brother of Jonathan La Paglia or some shit oh yeah
[00:05:10] Jonathan La Paglia yeah he's a character actor but he's the most famous of
[00:05:17] these three brothers are okay actors but the second the the Stephen Baldwin got
[00:05:22] you maybe the Billy Baldwin of the La Paglia family your Billy second most
[00:05:27] right I don't know after alla who gives a shit right I mean mm-hmm I got you
[00:05:31] but I told you I know there's guy you can fuck Lee in this is first of all are
[00:05:38] you really opening yourself up to that Ian you want to be ruthless to you
[00:05:42] like it fucking piece of shit I mean now I on this podcast first of all Ian to
[00:05:48] our anti-Semitic fans Ian though he looks Jewish is not so you don't have to
[00:05:53] have a dick field situation only in the face yeah not in the tattoo certainly
[00:05:59] yeah Ian's dumb ass has a Phillies logo tattooed on his fucking calf big fan
[00:06:03] because he's kind of a shin to stop shins and calves when you're one land
[00:06:11] man yeah when you're fucking ham hock legs definitely I have very defined
[00:06:18] lower legs thank you I have the best calves in the game please check out at
[00:06:24] Stavi baby to see my beautiful calf definition Ian also today just fresh
[00:06:29] off a butterfly to do on his thigh that's right that is actually I didn't
[00:06:33] finish the story about seven days and what kids okay and we tell people about
[00:06:37] shows they might want to get into everybody's previewing shows that are
[00:06:42] coming out I'm doing previewing shit you might have missed
[00:06:44] we're not even fucking know about like seven days with the La Paglia brothers
[00:06:49] y'all you guys know La Paglia brothers they grew up on down on Strewbert
[00:06:54] Strewbert yeah I know these guys they're way too I know these brothers named
[00:07:00] the googly elma oh yeah you know the googly elbow brothers what kind of
[00:07:09] daughter Nish want she want that googly elma I live by an Italian guy and
[00:07:13] called the Gio boys the Gio yeah they have a club Italian the ideal Italian
[00:07:18] last name would be if you put a bunch of marbles in your mouth and just
[00:07:27] that's what they want to googly elma they went you get here's that you come up
[00:07:31] you take a straw you put it in a cup of olive oil you start blowing
[00:07:36] all right seven days buddy yeah so it's a time machine that only goes back seven
[00:07:42] days at a time so that creates you know sure endless options and for whatever
[00:07:49] reason it's always like you know we waited six and a half days to tell you
[00:07:54] yes yeah you have to go back and you know save the president sentinel that
[00:08:00] was another part of the UPN lineup Jesus Christ these are all good shows did
[00:08:05] you watch it you watch DS 9 saying shit did we just already did one but now
[00:08:10] we're doing two episodes a night did you watch DS 9 a little bit a little bit
[00:08:14] that's actually the best Star Trek but it's the best one black captain yeah
[00:08:18] Obama yeah you know I said if Trayvon was my son they'd look the same as we said
[00:08:25] yeah that came from the deep space nice deep suck nine yeah
[00:08:30] odoshot an unarmed teenager and Cisco had to you know balance his love of
[00:08:37] order on the space station with his you know respect for his community people
[00:08:44] from planet black you're black shit because I who actually star people are
[00:08:51] from a different planet it's called a different world
[00:08:55] deep space nine was actually not a ship it was a station that was on the other
[00:09:01] side of a wormhole interesting was it yeah the story it's on a outside of a
[00:09:06] wormhole I have no one single-star wars are a space yeah kind of scenario yeah
[00:09:11] no we mentioned that because Odo on that show I know that he sleeps in like a
[00:09:15] bucket he just turns back into comment oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's
[00:09:20] a shapeshifter yeah yeah yeah we uh Voyager worst one female captain Voyager
[00:09:27] he has the worst I remember this the only Star Trek I've actually watched a lot
[00:09:30] of because that's one of the girl with a big two that was part of the UPN yeah
[00:09:34] it's part of the UPM line was DS9 UPN too it was but it had a different time
[00:09:38] slot so like I would watch they were on at the same time no it was on like
[00:09:42] earlier than I I just for whatever reason I just never it was all on
[00:09:46] and syndication on UPN there's a new one coming up I never watched any of that
[00:09:50] enterprise show cuz I look really bad wait you're talking about next generation
[00:09:55] no there was a show called enterprise it was like the last enterprise run a car
[00:09:59] yeah good good job my my I have a friend you said very Robin Williams moment oh
[00:10:07] go to a roller roller listen I got a pretty good story about my friend who's a
[00:10:17] manager in training at an enterprise rent a car yeah in Baltimore he texted
[00:10:24] this guy we fucking grew up with he's a manager of training is just a manager
[00:10:30] he's gotta do you ever get a major does but he shits himself learning I sure
[00:10:38] tucked into a diaper with a tie I'm still learning it like a
[00:10:45] top like a security blankety straggle behind him he texted he texted my friend
[00:10:50] Pete and he was like hey Peter you voting and it's like literally we haven't
[00:10:54] talked to this guy for years right he's like he's like he's like yeah yeah I'm
[00:10:59] voting for Hillary and he's like he's like yeah you know what I'm gonna do I'm
[00:11:04] gonna write in Harambe a joke a joke from fucking eight weeks ago this guy sounds
[00:11:17] like he rules he fucking I'm gonna write in dude you're getting a deal he he
[00:11:24] um he used to he everyone that guy got arrested for having weed and everyone
[00:11:27] was like I can't do the dude I gotta tell you besmirch the del named with a
[00:11:35] legal drugs oh I wish we'd done the seventh heaven thing on this episode
[00:11:39] that would have tied in well that's just if you've been publicly scolded by the
[00:11:43] dad from seventh eleven seven eleven I'm so tired seventh heaven seventh
[00:11:49] when you're an Indian family and the dad is a pastor it's mostly the same show
[00:11:57] but the joke here is that there is a guy not to believe are you summa kamara
[00:12:03] the other episode it's really no thought went into this
[00:12:09] yeah we did a pretty good prank on Adam he was showing us a hot girl on
[00:12:26] Instagram before this and we went through and liked a bunch of pictures
[00:12:30] yeah she's definitely gonna call me back specifically one of the man's pubic
[00:12:40] Adam was like check out this hot the hottest girl I've ever fun yeah I like
[00:12:42] that you can't show like a woman's tits on Instagram but like you could
[00:12:47] show the top of a man's penis the top is finding the top is on what yeah that's
[00:12:54] like a good red whoo like what's the next what's the top when it's soft but
[00:13:00] the bottom when it's hard and you answer on this thing to kill you it's the top
[00:13:06] of the dick first of all what goes soft and hard it's the the dick is the only
[00:13:11] thing ice cream it wouldn't be you wouldn't describe as hard I just get
[00:13:16] I love is nice hard we get a good heart scoop I chip my tooth on the ice cream
[00:13:22] yeah popsicle that's hard what if you were too stupid to know the difference
[00:13:27] between popsicles and ice cream so you always like bid in the popsicles and
[00:13:31] you're like ah god damn it I wish I could learn well what if I wish I could
[00:13:38] learn the difference between these two things that was actually you knew that
[00:13:43] you couldn't learn that they were doing different things you couldn't make that
[00:13:50] final smaller connection that's a good as hypothetical I got a nice hypothetical
[00:13:57] force that might ease us into some fun Ian fight and stories oh yeah by the way
[00:14:02] our guest tonight is Ian fight and it's not Ian salmon not again Carmel both
[00:14:07] other comedians but Ian fight and it's one of the three Ian's of comedy
[00:14:11] that's right yeah she's going with the in black who isn't even a really in that's
[00:14:16] not really in the fake Ian fuck he followed me for a grand total of like
[00:14:20] 20 minutes on Twitter so fuck him I feel like that happens to you that
[00:14:27] a couple people yeah people rally follow me for literally 10 seconds why I don't
[00:14:33] know is he like a creep that follows you and then unfollow so you'll follow
[00:14:38] maybe now you're just by just looking at something Nick was making fun of him
[00:14:41] for who was an accidentally clicked on actually pro Martin Scrault I am
[00:14:46] so that dude yeah first of all I bought the AIDS medicine and Jack made it
[00:14:50] it's you AIDS yeah it jagged at the price and half of the doses give you
[00:14:57] a but the other have kept fast as hell yeah we talk about how I mentioned this
[00:15:03] I don't know if I mentioned it last time but so the deer hunter yeah yeah about
[00:15:09] how it wasn't a Vietnam movie did I say that I'm a part yeah yeah yeah well what
[00:15:13] we talked about whether we would fuck my own street or not oh yeah absolutely
[00:15:17] all with a hundred percent of course yeah thanks for playing in buddy yeah
[00:15:22] if okay here's a here's a riddle I've been asking a bunch of people okay yes
[00:15:26] it's not even real it's a choice if you could pick you have to have sex with
[00:15:30] either a trans woman with the penis but she's hot mm-hmm or Bailey J yes
[00:15:37] basically the the thing is Bailey J or Buck Angel oh yeah you have to like you
[00:15:42] have to know Bailey J that's all right heartbeat yeah I'm a really J we did went
[00:15:48] over this and I said I'm a man of principle so it have to be bucking oh we
[00:15:51] did go over this on the pond or just in life I think so I mean the the yeah like
[00:15:55] the Lord dictates that it had your choice that's a woman it is I don't care if
[00:16:03] she looks like you're still a whole sea boss if you don't look at that's a woman
[00:16:06] if you don't touch any of the rest of it it's still a real vagina just make sure
[00:16:13] you fucking here with your yeah that was funny if it was there no but I did a
[00:16:19] funny body thing it was a good guy that's all right yeah well you fags are over
[00:16:22] there you know so deep in a boys ass I guess about a grown body you guys but I
[00:16:32] watched the trans show all weekend some film extra woke trans show trans
[00:16:39] parent drag race transparent oh we're laughing about about kissing the
[00:16:44] poster for transparent in the subway every time more and like all the other
[00:16:48] trans people just going up and like passionately kissing it for thank you
[00:16:56] thank you thank you thank you I love that they couldn't just get a fucking
[00:17:00] actual old trans woman to play that role they just like all right let's get a
[00:17:03] man in a lot of real trans people in the show now yeah oh they do I'm sure that
[00:17:08] was a maybe I'm sure Tambor looks so not trans in comparison it's the I am Sam
[00:17:13] conundrum right no he doesn't good he does get so yeah he does good at being
[00:17:19] trans yeah no putting an actual person with Down syndrome next to Sean Penn and
[00:17:24] I am Sam oh yeah yeah was the worst casting decision it's night and day of
[00:17:27] all time it should have been Giovanni Rabe see Clint Howard and I don't know
[00:17:33] maybe who's another good retarded guy Terence Howard yeah Mike Ropean is
[00:17:41] Terrence Howard though it'd been perfect he has your tard it did Howard
[00:17:44] theater in DC is actually named after Terrence Harris means it is that's
[00:17:51] great historic land hustle and flow the hustle actually refers to how hard it
[00:17:56] is for him to flow to piss because of how small your ether yeah it's great it
[00:18:02] mists out yeah yeah like a one of those fucking zoo is actually deleted scene in
[00:18:07] crash when the cops goes to touch his dick and then the cops like horrified
[00:18:12] and that's when he stops being racist because he didn't realize that a black
[00:18:17] man had so much they realize a black man can have such a small dick like I'm not
[00:18:22] racist anymore I do think that would do a lot for racism if we just saw a slide
[00:18:26] show very small black dick now but see that's not fair because that's the thing
[00:18:30] that they get you can never take that away from yeah you didn't I am also in
[00:18:34] just ever taking away big dicks or black or sports athleticism and huge
[00:18:40] sticks like they get that or being cooler like cool yeah absolutely it do
[00:18:46] be fucked up to try and take that away I just think there are you do it as you
[00:18:49] show an Asian guy with a huge dick mmm like trying to do mostly you make it
[00:18:53] a measure and he's like what's what's eight and a half and nine I'm no bad a man
[00:18:58] oh that was really pleasant that's how you know the world is we're doing a
[00:19:05] movie called crash to yo we should do it by the new cast of man TV can we do
[00:19:13] can we write a sequel to crash to it we try and solve racism but you hire you
[00:19:18] hire the guy that thinks he's writing the sequel to the David Cronenberg crash
[00:19:22] that's the best that movies pretty fucked up yeah we talked to you man I was
[00:19:29] thinking about on the pot looking good Eastern promises is oh it's so good
[00:19:34] that's such a good oh yeah and up until the naked fighting scene pretty bad
[00:19:40] movie then just you see the accident I just taken some ass you're gonna
[00:19:45] slap it against eyes yeah just sex against I'll hmm feet have you ever
[00:19:54] fought naked have you ever fought naked for assled naked you have no oh we're
[00:20:01] waiting for you to come in with a great story there never do podcast much yeah
[00:20:09] like an intimidating yeah we're in for you to be on one of your you are
[00:20:15] that big thing someone said to me and they said Anthony Kumi is the fuck said
[00:20:19] that someone's wife said that's me no it a friend who listens to the podcast
[00:20:25] probably it was a D yeah friend of the show D Guerrero's great photographer
[00:20:30] check her out she likes to show shots out D second episode she got one
[00:20:36] Ian what is the weirdest thing you've done naked then the weirdest thing I've
[00:20:40] done naked yeah besides the sex with a man probably because he's gay great job
[00:20:49] weirdest thing is air horn sound effects podcast yeah we're just
[00:20:56] thing I've ever done a I don't know me or just some embarrassing anecdote tell
[00:20:59] us we brought you on here to embarrass yourself yeah for our listeners
[00:21:02] amusement yeah I I uh man I don't know one time one time a hooker stole my
[00:21:10] we're talking now we're getting there baby stole my cell phone and metrocard
[00:21:16] because we were doing coke and the upstairs of a deli and K-TAM you're
[00:21:21] doing coke with a hooker yeah that's very generous for companionship
[00:21:28] yeah well I remember just found each other on the street nice and I was trying to
[00:21:33] get the skinny on like what happened in her life to make her the way she was
[00:21:36] which she was just like give me more coke you were trying to solve her
[00:21:40] problems yeah yeah we were like split in a 40 okay I passed out upstairs and when
[00:21:45] I awoke a lot of my possessions were gone damn yeah man that's crazy that a hooker
[00:21:50] would rob you I know I thought better of this is not the first time you've been
[00:21:54] robbed by a grid the only time is it no I was the only sure well I mean if you
[00:21:58] considered the fact that I always lose money but yeah I found her on
[00:22:06] back page oh nice to try to get my money back oh you found her on back yeah yeah
[00:22:12] yeah yeah yeah I found our back page I went to a payphone and I called her and
[00:22:15] I was like hello do you do in calls to Brooklyn she was like yes I could be
[00:22:20] there in two hours I was like okay Angela this is Ian did you steal myself
[00:22:24] I was like I thought about trying to hear to come to Brooklyn then I could
[00:22:35] frutter but I just yeah and then her pimp breaks your legs yeah do a lot of
[00:22:39] these them don't have pimps really depends yeah interesting yeah they're
[00:22:44] independent work she's an I and D what do you know what I mean um did you ever
[00:22:54] get your money back no and I saw her on the street like a couple months I was
[00:23:00] straight to the time and then I got sober and I saw her on the street and we
[00:23:05] talked and dude she looked like she was missing like a bunch of teeth and
[00:23:08] everything she's like nah honey I never found your phone I was like oh thanks
[00:23:13] Angela was she ugly she I mean she'd been beaten by you know time and I don't
[00:23:18] think so so you weren't soliciting her you're just hanging out I was just
[00:23:22] hanging out with her yeah you just hang out with a hooker at 8 a.m. and when you do
[00:23:28] cocaine a lot of times you want to lock the gates and WTF it out and just talk
[00:23:32] about life childhood where you came from what racket your father was where all
[00:23:38] these cats do it what am I doing here what's going on
[00:23:43] you you look for the listeners at home I apologize I was trying to get to
[00:23:48] soundboard to work and I just for the screeching noise I hope they're big
[00:23:53] screeching well I got this home improvement soundboard that I was trying
[00:23:56] to get oh fuck we need to get that yeah I know but so like you go that's good
[00:24:03] but it doesn't when I put the mic up to it doesn't play I don't think so Tim or
[00:24:09] maybe it does a little bit maybe just a very small yeah I can't hear it those
[00:24:12] are the first stand-up tapes I ever had Tim Allen really yeah explains a lot
[00:24:16] I'm gonna take mom got it from you Sears
[00:24:20] who remember Sears you've been watching any of the new South Park yes yeah the
[00:24:27] member berries is it good it's it's good it's a little like there's a
[00:24:34] bitterness to it now because that like their politics it feels kind of so
[00:24:39] comedy yeah that it's funny it's still funny but a lot of it's like yeah here's
[00:24:46] the joke you fucking faggots yeah there's like sort of an anger to it that
[00:24:50] wasn't there before I feel like very funny yeah I feel yeah I feel like they're
[00:24:54] very good at what they do but it's sort of it hit a peak maybe yeah you know
[00:24:59] the national episode was very funny yeah everyone leaving it no one's gonna be
[00:25:06] able to hear that I just farted I did I was I was farted in a microphone and I
[00:25:10] pulled the microphone up and I just caught the fart because you're
[00:25:13] kidding all over the mine shit even like a farted yeah I've always wanted to be able to do that on stage as a punchline
[00:25:20] that and being able to have my pants fall down mmm-hmm oh that'd be awesome you
[00:25:26] get us know yeah if you have if you could build some contraption that made
[00:25:30] your pants fall down you'd be like and another thing you take these trains
[00:25:34] everywhere but where the hell are we going folks just fall down yeah that
[00:25:39] would be a hilarious you start pissing to yeah you start pissing and shitting or
[00:25:42] something you are watching mad TV show hashtag give give the fire everyone on
[00:25:51] mad TV hashtag give the show to Adam and they can stop hashtag let's redo
[00:25:57] mad TV but get different people let's get a viral baby yeah make sure everybody
[00:26:04] at Warner Brothers knows if it's still Warner Brothers you know the CW or
[00:26:08] whatever fire that all of them and give the show to the hashtag bitch hashtag
[00:26:14] we know viral marketing around here yeah so you watch that John Oliver show which
[00:26:21] one last week in general specific last week yeah last week tonight and yeah I
[00:26:27] watched it when it premiered and it was very funny it's good but it's the
[00:26:31] the comedy it's like it's the kind of comedy where I respect the joke writing
[00:26:35] but it's not doesn't make me laugh exactly you know he does that punchline
[00:26:39] format it just drives me nuts yeah where he's like that's like hashtag Trump
[00:26:43] 2016 yeah you know really yeah you can see it's the kind of jokes that I think
[00:26:49] if I wrote them that would be like that's a good joke you know it does feel
[00:26:52] very like going through the motion sort of thing right but they actually do they
[00:26:56] do their job they put an effort forward it's right yeah and they make
[00:26:59] legitimately good they make a valid point I think if another problem a joke
[00:27:04] writer it's not gonna be as funny to you because it just looks like somebody
[00:27:07] doing their job well right right which is a hard because kind of an unfair
[00:27:11] criticism because you know it would be like yeah great job but but actually
[00:27:16] they do make it easy to swallow for people that aren't involved right or
[00:27:20] like just yeah like just as you use the day I was unwatchable it's fucking
[00:27:26] it's gone completely yeah with the new guy he never got it together I don't
[00:27:31] think so Trevor yeah I like him Kinsley bond I just I feel like was so anything
[00:27:39] that's like topical you're fighting against like the collective strength of
[00:27:43] the Internet where they write those jokes immediately I mean we made a joke
[00:27:47] on the on the podcast earlier tonight when you were like oh it looks like a
[00:27:51] de Kwan already did that I have no idea who the fuck that is yeah yeah but I can
[00:27:56] easily just tweeted it but now that I fucked up and recorded it like you know
[00:28:00] whatever it doesn't matter yeah I'm not gonna delete it or whatever you know
[00:28:04] it's like that's the kind of shit where if you go to TV show you know right no
[00:28:08] how quick your fucking turnaround is it takes zero effort to sit on Twitter and
[00:28:12] make all those jokes immediately right so the the people that consume that kind
[00:28:16] of shit and they're like oh this is great like my dad'll like fucking email me
[00:28:19] and be like did you hear what fucking John Stewart said about like no I don't
[00:28:26] need to I don't need that you transcribed all this into your work email like
[00:28:31] so for a while my dad would go on summaries of real time with Bill Maher
[00:28:37] that lasted that lasted longer than an episode of
[00:28:42] yeah I believe it was a 90 minute show my dad would be on the phone I'd be like
[00:28:46] it's been two hours that I need to go I need to go and then he said that Arabs
[00:28:52] are bad too yeah a five paragraph email today and all fairness I was
[00:28:58] emailing him about woodworking shit which is kind of like a reverse obnoxious
[00:29:02] you know the role switch and then he sent me like a five paragraph email about
[00:29:07] something on Colbert that he saw like months ago I'm sure if I had seen it I
[00:29:13] would have been like us pretty funny but to have you transcribed the thing from
[00:29:18] your memory and send me just don't know how to respond to it I do that because
[00:29:23] he's trying to engage with me on some level I can't I have no fucking ability
[00:29:26] to engage my father's fucking Greek man yeah we have nothing in common
[00:29:30] culturally whatsoever the only time I've like last time I hugged my father's
[00:29:35] when Greece got to the quarterfinals of the World Cup maybe was the 16th round
[00:29:40] it wasn't even the quarterfinals but that's the only time we connect emotionally I
[00:29:45] love those I we should tell you is you should next time you see him tell your
[00:29:49] dad you're gay and you'll get very angry but you know you'll get up you have to
[00:29:55] stop speaking to you and then just don't talk to him for like six months and then
[00:30:00] you call him up you're like dad I'm not gay anymore I worked on it and like it
[00:30:05] took a lot of work and I read six of the men I fixed it up like I like I fixed it
[00:30:10] I only talk so happy it'll be so happy that you'll have a relationship yeah
[00:30:15] that's a good point and then he'll kiss you right on the lips and then we'll
[00:30:18] say a classic Greek style classic that's so funny there's literally there's a
[00:30:22] comic named Basil yeah who would make he would just do Greek American jokes like
[00:30:27] jokes specifically for Greeks yeah that no joke was a big chunk of his was what
[00:30:33] do you do when you date an American girl then your grandma doesn't like her
[00:30:36] bring a gay guy home say I'm gay she'll be so happy you're not gay she won't
[00:30:42] care it's an American girl that was a little bit of his that he would do for
[00:30:47] like seven minutes it was awesome man well there is a guy named Basil white in
[00:30:53] DC that was like a little wise acres guy who's I've heard that name before
[00:30:57] sucked he sucked dick dude he was one of those fucking old like wise acres
[00:31:02] pieces of shit he was like sit on the stool he looked like a fat fucking
[00:31:06] owl you'd read his shitty one-liners out of his fucking stupid moleskin and he
[00:31:12] was like clever so yeah fucking was it puns all the wise acres hacks would just
[00:31:18] be like fuck that's so good you know and he would like lick his finger and turn
[00:31:24] the page and read his like smile Riley yeah last time I checked he was fucking
[00:31:29] teaching comedy and like the back of a clarion in or shit you know I did I
[00:31:34] hated that guy so much one time I was I mean you know we were friendly enough
[00:31:38] that I talked to him or whatever but he he told his story one time about like
[00:31:42] an obnoxious child in line behind him at like Burger King or something never
[00:31:48] mind this is an obese man you know a six foot three four hundred pound man
[00:31:54] complaining about something at Burger King you've already lost your audience
[00:31:57] right no sympathy yeah yeah and he is like yeah so there was this you know
[00:32:04] he he he was he was very similar to fuck that character actor
[00:32:10] Shaddex Glenn Shaddex you know every character
[00:32:13] I he was he was the gay guy that was like the home buying assistant not the
[00:32:18] real estate agent but the assistant in Beetlejuice yes that got yup that was
[00:32:23] him okay he was like the same guy okay so he looks like Jonas Barnes yeah kind
[00:32:31] of Jonas has a similar thing so this guy you know is like a big tall
[00:32:34] snob and he's like talking about this obnoxious child in line behind him at
[00:32:38] Burger King and he's like and you should just hear the sound a child produces
[00:32:42] when you shift just 400 pounds to one foot that's directly above theirs why
[00:32:49] talking about stepping on a child's foot and like deliberately
[00:32:52] 100 pounds is crazy yeah he was a fucking big fat dumbass dude he is joke
[00:32:59] was about hurting a child yeah yeah no this wasn't a joke this is just
[00:33:03] something he said to me oh my god yeah oh yeah his website now just redirects
[00:33:09] to his Facebook page any good pics he's doing well followed by 38 people nice
[00:33:16] yeah here let me see if I can uh I'm trying to find some of his one line is
[00:33:21] keep talking for a second okay Ian tell another hooker story Adam you only
[00:33:28] you only get jerked off by Chinese horse right I only paid for his sex work
[00:33:32] twice and I discussed them both on the podcast both what you discussed both
[00:33:37] yeah the the Russian woman will race is right right right right in the sex
[00:33:43] realist would you just hand jobs no I got a condom blowjob the first time when
[00:33:49] I was 18 and then the when I was 29 years old a couple months ago I got a I
[00:33:55] got a hand job you know in Chinatown and let me tell you something the second
[00:34:03] one she she was very good at doing that there is a spot in like 28th and Lex and
[00:34:10] they get very angry when you do not have enough money to pay it the
[00:34:18] not happy and I told him I would give their business cards to my friends and
[00:34:23] that is not it was not sure if you didn't have money for it I had just enough to
[00:34:29] pay a modest tip when I left there like next time bring more money
[00:34:35] I was like okay good-bye there's one of his stand-up shots oh I got here what
[00:34:42] yeah I'm trying to figure out why sometimes my audio editor pays audio by
[00:34:47] pacing it at the cursor point and sometimes it replaces the audio I've
[00:34:50] selected I found an option in tracks preferences called editing clips can
[00:34:54] move other clips that at least allows me to pace the audio this is the
[00:34:58] word and now you know how I feel when you won't shut up about World of Warcraft
[00:35:03] oh fairness I'm a guy that doesn't like this guy and I'm fucking like
[00:35:10] quoting his jokes that he's put up you know right but I mean I tried to do
[00:35:14] a justice and that's the kind of you know it's this long drawn-out thing and
[00:35:18] it's supposed to be a derailment joke and I get it you know like people who first
[00:35:22] of all who the fuck is going off about World of Warcraft yeah you hang out with
[00:35:27] you never have I had to listen to someone talk about what the Warcraft
[00:35:31] interaction I've had with anybody about World of Warcraft is like hey do you
[00:35:35] play World of Warcraft I'm like no okay never mind yeah I'm surrounded
[00:35:42] you won't shut the fuck up about World of Warcraft sounds like one time I still doing stand-up yeah I think he
[00:35:48] teaches comedy you know I would feel bad talking shit about him until the
[00:35:52] comedy teaching thing he was also kind of a snob yeah yeah I love those fucking
[00:35:57] shitty open mic snobs yeah oh yeah but we were talking about some pretty good
[00:36:01] hooker stuff over here you've never fucked a hooker right Nicholas no I
[00:36:05] I'm morally opposed to that unless it was Buck Angel I was I was forced to a
[00:36:13] gunpoint I'm holding the gun I'm beating off watching her yeah I like in those
[00:36:19] situations they just assume you wouldn't rather die yeah yeah I was like man I'm
[00:36:25] fucking this close to killing myself anyway yeah easy out yeah and ultimately
[00:36:30] them that's all I need what if they just shoot your dick off and make you live
[00:36:34] oh fuck and then you become Buck Angel yeah gun to someone else's hand they
[00:36:40] gotta fuck you you're like please don't like shut up Buck Angel this is about
[00:36:44] you anymore and that's what hell is that's what fuck that's literally what the
[00:36:52] Ninth Circle of hell you either fuck Buck Angel or you live long enough to see
[00:36:57] yourself become bucking for some reason I just see why don't you come down to
[00:37:01] sure that they've got just a stinky pussy yeah probably smells like fucking
[00:37:05] motor oil no it doesn't have is it she doesn't he he doesn't have a stinky
[00:37:10] pussy but I think he probably has an engorged clitoris from Duke steroids
[00:37:16] and testosterone interesting yeah apparently when you do get a saucer on
[00:37:21] your clitoris like grows to like a child's penis yeah but when if you suck
[00:37:25] the same if you're pedophile if you suck China's quit China yeah right
[00:37:30] our IP is close like three and show some respect and an necrophilia our IP
[00:37:34] our IP Joni Laura Laura I saw that one night in China sex tape of course yeah by
[00:37:42] the way I beat off to that as well you look kind of like Xbox a little bit oh
[00:37:45] no thank you not a little bit I'm at Xbox
[00:37:49] where Walton yeah oh man her pussy their clit looks weird who's China's yeah
[00:37:55] you didn't see a picture of me in Xbox oh that's right where was that
[00:37:58] race wars I'll race yeah they had me on to do like a bit or whatever and
[00:38:03] Sean Waltman thought I was a real guy he didn't get the bit what was the bit
[00:38:07] that I was transracial it was like right when the dull is all thing happened
[00:38:12] and I was like you know explaining well I was actually a student of trans racial
[00:38:17] studies at the granola college of the mountains in upstate Vermont that's a
[00:38:23] good bit yeah I thought it was a good bit that's pretty good I thought it was
[00:38:27] pretty fucking funny yeah I was saying you know it's like one of my friends he's
[00:38:31] you know he always knew he was black growing up even they grew up white because
[00:38:35] he just always sort of identified as like a black kid like you know when
[00:38:39] everybody wanted to play with toys you know you would like you know obviously
[00:38:42] didn't want the toys that the other white kids wanted or they played
[00:38:45] monopoly and everyone's picking you know the race car the dog and he always
[00:38:48] just wanted to play as the dice so speaking of long setups
[00:38:55] check out the smash hit comedy as me on race wars but anyways I didn't put that
[00:39:06] on a fucking you know now I'm just never hearing my own we're just gonna leave
[00:39:17] yeah fuck you I'm not the same as him you see the mirror you just see him in the
[00:39:25] reflection comic makeup for some reason I'm gonna fucking I made a difference
[00:39:31] in the fucking comedy world podcast people is to president white doesn't have a
[00:39:37] patreon I did a series of stand-up shots earlier no in my stand-up career but I
[00:39:48] just all put like it was like pictures of me holding microphones but like not
[00:39:52] necessarily in stand-up circumstances like I was at my friends wedding and
[00:39:55] stuff giving a speech and I saw one of those that was funny yeah yeah I put all
[00:40:00] cat Williams jokes over pictures of me doing stand-up this pretty it was all
[00:40:06] right not bad you know low an option for doing a Dan Nainen stand-up shots
[00:40:13] oh who's that Dan Nainen baby let me see if I could find yeah find a good one
[00:40:21] dude everyone here knows about Dan Nainen correct even know this guy oh
[00:40:25] Dan's great Dan nine hundred percent clean corporate comedian he would just
[00:40:31] lie about like the way you got a lot of his work was he like he had a still URL
[00:40:36] that was one letter different from Russell Peters yeah he spelled Russell
[00:40:40] Peters with like one L or two which ever was the wrong way and it was like a
[00:40:43] clone of his website so whenever there was a booking request you say like oh
[00:40:47] Russell's booked but we don't know what opener Dan Nainen yes get himself gigs
[00:40:53] that way I make what yeah dude he's a fucking sociopath and he like what yeah
[00:40:57] yeah for how long would he do this I mean that's yours I'm still living that
[00:41:01] you're still doing that she's got his hasla he's he's like he always talks about
[00:41:05] how rich is where he is like a reporter what's that story what he he see like
[00:41:10] fucking punch the reporter the DC improv it was like what Nick you know about
[00:41:14] nine it gives give us the fucking guys great the yeah he pon I mean I never
[00:41:19] discussed nine and I'm a fucking born a dude he's a fucking yeah socks it's
[00:41:24] just a shitty fucking comic that you know and then if you mention him I've
[00:41:27] told tell somehow hear this yeah he's been like yeah he's as an assistant he's
[00:41:32] paying listen to every fucking podcast so you can put me on his email list I've
[00:41:36] had him like redirected my spam folder for years but he here I'll pull it up
[00:41:41] now you really mark Marin a letter about why he never got a WTF he offered Mark
[00:41:46] Marin $5,000 to do yeah do what the fucking mark wouldn't have him on and he's
[00:41:52] like I make so much more money than you you're nothing I'm wealthy man he tried
[00:41:59] to pay him to do WTF yeah well Dan and he changed his name to you know JL
[00:42:04] Kavan mm-hmm yeah so JL like fucked with him at one point so Dan's display name
[00:42:10] on Google now is Kavan fan and we're all like yeah so me Josh Homer Rob
[00:42:16] Mayor Joe Robinson JL Kavan we're all on like this his enemies list and he
[00:42:21] sends us pictures of him on airplanes you know eating this really easily a
[00:42:26] seller yeah he's eating like I'm supposed to be jealous of this this bagel and
[00:42:31] his 2% milk dry granola oh he's got some Hawks here too oh this is great and I'm
[00:42:39] so jealous of your fucking your your iPad Wow you got to be such a fucking
[00:42:46] celebrity to have an iPad yeah oh and it's got a silicon case on it too well if
[00:42:52] he drops that thing he doesn't have to worry about it just as rich as Dan
[00:42:56] Nynan kill his time to fucking Dan Nynan there's a New York Times article I
[00:43:01] believe about people who buy Twitter followers he's like yeah I bought like
[00:43:05] a hundred thousand two hundred thousand waterfalls it's great for my brand and
[00:43:09] oh there's also a video where he gets people to endorse his comedy and he like
[00:43:14] ran up to Obama at an event and Obama's like Dan Dan Nynan's a very funny you
[00:43:21] know and then there's like a clip of the he's got a clip of Obama saying he's
[00:43:23] funny as Steve Wazniak Steve Wazniak from Apple he's like dead dead died it is
[00:43:31] this is the body that he may have a wear one in his email he writes absolutely
[00:43:36] obliterated at a corporate event last night sold $370 worth of merch now on
[00:43:42] the way to a private gig at a multi-million dollar mansion in New Jersey
[00:43:46] eating a sumptuous breakfast in first class and admiring JL's empty calendar
[00:43:51] oh yeah that's the picture on the iPad is JL's schedule on his website I mean
[00:43:58] he's like you know a step away from his petting a cat and cackling while he's
[00:44:02] doing this shit he's an insane person Jesus Christ how do we get on him were
[00:44:08] we talking about anything Adam brought him up Adam said let's talk about him
[00:44:11] it's not no no you brought up the subject on a you don't think lot you alone
[00:44:16] fortune your friend lo loff fortune low often
[00:44:20] no we're talking about stand-up shots I was trying to find them oh yeah where you
[00:44:24] did the half Indian whatever shit yeah we never talk about Erwin's
[00:44:30] everyone's awesome jokes if you have Jewish and half that was just like joke
[00:44:37] for man's classic bit as you know is a half Indian half Japanese bit where he's
[00:44:43] like I'm half Indian half Japanese so I get my sushi at 7-11 you know what time
[00:44:51] he was bragging about like he's got into it and he's like sorry but I'm on my way
[00:44:55] to a private birthday to perform it through private dentist son you ever
[00:44:59] doctors for doctors daughter and I photoshopped him into like an eight-year-
[00:45:03] old's birthday party background mother cutting the cake
[00:45:11] what a legend I want to can we get like a dummy or someone that's really good
[00:45:17] in impressions to just do a phone WTF with him we're like yeah it's mark that
[00:45:21] it's mark that would be awesome hey Dan it's mark I want to talk you think you
[00:45:26] would fall for it though no I don't know maybe he's no sure I could do
[00:45:31] impressions I'll call him up is like you know Jack lemon whoa it's me hey here I
[00:45:36] am with Rodney Dangerfield hey I can't get no damn lining on my podcast why not
[00:45:52] she's doing a Rodney Dangerfield podcast like we should go around me
[00:45:56] Dangerfield okay whoa shut up shut the fuck up oh I get no respect the he was
[00:46:04] a depressive right and a drunk yeah I was I why Rodney why are you so depressed
[00:46:10] I just had a hard life you sound like dracke now yeah now I'm a fucking vampire
[00:46:18] right now I'm not responsible no no blood I get no respect okay I wish I could
[00:46:27] do impressions you get a impression you do that I can impressions you get a
[00:46:31] couple of ones no you get a couple good ones the Jack lemon ones really
[00:46:35] games I feel like anybody can do that who I can't everybody do Jack lemon I had
[00:46:40] a great day and what what you do Shelley is you get a bit you get a real good
[00:46:44] if I had them that you should have seen him I had him right there on the fucking
[00:46:48] line I fucked him I told you what I did I fucked up is someone do Walter Matt
[00:46:53] Val no I can't probably not my own head that's bad John John Ash I don't even
[00:47:01] remember Walter man you're a menace yeah that's the best movie what quit being a
[00:47:06] man this is an impression pod I can't wait for like the gritty reboot the impressionist
[00:47:14] studio we try and figure out impressions of people I thought I had Michael Shannon
[00:47:18] one day in the car I was like doing him for like an hour yeah and I got it and
[00:47:24] then I lost it oh Michael Shannon going to kill Superman yeah I had like yeah
[00:47:29] that's not a kill Superman well after kill from my no it's a little
[00:47:36] positive I'm going to kill Superman I don't know I can't do it I did it I said
[00:47:43] I'm going to kill Superman it was a long fucking drive you get it you get it
[00:47:47] stone cold no I'm not I can't do so cold remember when we were Jake and Blake
[00:47:53] that day we just came what what yeah why don't you come on down here
[00:47:57] I'll take you down why don't you come on you'll dick me off down here in the
[00:48:00] ring why don't you step up in this ring I'll
[00:48:04] stick you down I'll take you up I'll tell you what you can come down this
[00:48:08] ring right now and I'll dick you off I'll dick you up I'll dick you down I'll
[00:48:13] dick you up down dick you off dick it in you dick it every which way from
[00:48:17] Sunday pal you're that barter why don't you step down on this ring
[00:48:22] and get dick down I mean that was only buddy because you're saying dick
[00:48:32] oh I'll dick you off that is great yeah
[00:48:35] oh do you like not you feeling your motherfucking
[00:48:40] quality you do not get anything I feel like you're for my roommate does
[00:48:43] impressions Felix of the Chappo trap house yeah yeah
[00:48:47] in the Anthony Kumiya studios coming home with groceries
[00:48:50] when he lives in the Anthony Kumiya way to ask Felix the day we we already
[00:48:57] have another guest Adam by the way yeah you fucking do you do impressions
[00:49:05] Felix is going to his room in the Anthony Kumiya studios now
[00:49:12] Adam asked me again do you do impressions I don't know my new
[00:49:16] penny that's the worst Sean Connery I've ever heard
[00:49:21] was one of the worst that's that's a pretty
[00:49:24] great job and then he asked for the setup again
[00:49:27] real life you asked me to wind up you back that out of the park
[00:49:31] baby you expect to have a word I'll tell you one trick
[00:49:35] man you penny why why should he a penny penny yeah
[00:49:40] I'll tell you this I'll tell you this if you want to do it Sean Connery
[00:49:44] wouldn't that be a good name for like a gossipy like
[00:49:48] like beauty parlor may he petty that's fucking retarded
[00:49:58] no it would not drop you on your head that's not bad
[00:50:02] you're almost good at impressions yeah almost but see I never
[00:50:05] was how do I sit around doing them you're good
[00:50:08] you guys I'm one of those guys that could be really good at a thing but he
[00:50:11] isn't yeah that's a good one of those guys thanks
[00:50:16] it's what's wrong with my Sean Connery I think that one's okay
[00:50:19] that's not bad I don't know how much more I will have a bad Sean Connery
[00:50:28] no I can't oh Michael can you're the hero
[00:50:31] don't master wine or do you know that Gotham baby yeah another classic
[00:50:44] dish dishes to bat kaiif most approach that's pretty so bad that's not bad
[00:50:49] that's not bad right it's not I could do dr evil
[00:50:53] yeah no you've never done that I guess we've had dr evil I know I feel bad
[00:50:57] making fun of him because he was a guest Ian and you don't know this but
[00:51:00] dr evil came on our podcast no way yeah oh that's awesome thank you
[00:51:06] oh my god wow dr evil you're dropping in
[00:51:13] yes no no problem at him and stavros have you been
[00:51:17] driving so rude to Nick and Ian dr evil
[00:51:19] um I would rather talk a minimum amount you
[00:51:24] probably not sure about you want to sit in right
[00:51:32] right right okay great so dr evil's just gonna sit
[00:51:37] there in the corner he's hanging out I heard he's been harassing pse
[00:51:43] it's doc yeah uh we already covered that yeah in fact that was the episode the
[00:51:47] goddess our audience thanks so i think so my favorite part of that episode
[00:51:52] was the Australian retard oh yeah that was maybe the high water market the
[00:51:57] entire podcast i forgot about the Australian retard you guys had an
[00:52:00] Australian retort on the show uh yeah that's one of our characters
[00:52:04] oh wow many zenie karaoke yeah do you think he'll show up yeah
[00:52:09] well welcome to the at-back stikance with the star ruse except everything has to
[00:52:17] a darini darini run with the scissors no i'm not allowed near the pool without
[00:52:21] my flight he's only a world of vision what the what was that you dropped
[00:52:29] i was trying to also be an Australian retard
[00:52:35] uh boy it's gonna be a probably the worst episode
[00:52:40] every time no that's fine this has only been like two minutes
[00:52:47] we're all still like almost at the end it does
[00:52:52] it gives a fuck that's fine you can be a fun character to do on the show
[00:52:55] one of those like indian babies it was born with like an arm coming out of
[00:53:05] you're just doing an indian voice you're holding your hand
[00:53:08] up to your head this is the one sideways this is not open like indian guys come
[00:53:13] here and they get some bullshit job like driving for uber or working in
[00:53:16] bodega or whatever they're like in my country i was a doctor i was a
[00:53:19] few reticulial businesses a doctor here because i mean
[00:53:22] it whenever fucked up medical shit happens it happens in indian they're
[00:53:25] like yeah this kid was born with nine dicks on its face
[00:53:27] right we removed all of them and the baby's fine now and it's like yeah well
[00:53:32] sorry but you didn't go to i don't know harvard medical or just a
[00:53:35] fuck you have to do here also i mean come on there's no indians that are
[00:53:38] doctors here anyway you know what i mean are there cool if you crash this i
[00:53:42] know i'm gonna do it doctor last doctor i went to was a chinese guy that just
[00:53:46] said a bucket of magnum condoms and his office
[00:53:50] doctor louis oh yeah an old an old office a bunch of
[00:53:53] shot old shot old ass ancient chinese people
[00:53:56] sitting around holding their piss and cops
[00:54:00] my dog like you keep these folks away from the coca cola
[00:54:05] if you know they like we got some jokesters
[00:54:12] damn what a classic yeah little waiting room or why did that start what did
[00:54:17] that meet jonnie's gi's the beauty of the american military to produce racism
[00:54:22] in world war two that has since been unparalleled
[00:54:26] imagine how great it must have been it's like 1946
[00:54:30] you just got back from the war every gal wants to suck your dick
[00:54:34] and you just get a job at war brothers teaching kids about the n-word
[00:54:37] i was going through when my grandfather died i was going he was an officer in
[00:54:47] italy after the war like station for i think like nine months after the war
[00:54:51] and women were just throwing themselves at him because like they just wanted to
[00:54:54] leave the country was like smithereens and they were like tell us about
[00:54:58] Auschwitz like he was in the british army he wasn't he wasn't a survivor
[00:55:04] i know i was joking but uh i was just a joke at him
[00:55:07] calm down out of fucking uptight we know it's fucking just as a lie i got
[00:55:11] i i my higher life had said that my other grandfather in the other side
[00:55:17] was a survivor and then one time i was like yeah he left like right before it
[00:55:21] all started and my friend was like well he's
[00:55:24] he's not a survivor that yes i say you can't just say that anyone that didn't do
[00:55:29] it is a survivor that'd be right technically everyone that didn't
[00:55:33] yeah i mean by that metric i'm a breast cancer
[00:55:35] survivor you are technically uh excuse me bitch but i
[00:55:39] survived breast cancer so i'm allowed to participate in my culture
[00:55:47] who is in a feminist uh i'm a breast cancer
[00:55:50] so you may want to think twice i'm a breast cancer never have her
[00:55:55] yeah i guess you never even have breast cancer
[00:56:03] anyway so you're you were lying he's not a survivor
[00:56:05] well yeah i felt bad about that and the other one is oh yeah no so he had all
[00:56:09] these pictures he kept all these pictures he just
[00:56:11] ran through these Italian horns yeah they were just like throwing
[00:56:13] themselves at him and like you read the notes on the back so like
[00:56:17] i guess that's what they used used to be the like a flirt move in the 40s
[00:56:21] was you give a snapshot of yourself right and then you write a note
[00:56:25] and there was one that i was reading on the back of the photograph
[00:56:28] that was like hey i want to suck your dick no it was like it was like
[00:56:32] barney when when you took me out like she was basically
[00:56:37] talking about my grandfather take her from behind under a bridge
[00:56:42] it's like my body aches for you barney like what you saw you're
[00:56:46] from behind under the yeah under the beat of everything
[00:56:50] behind on the jennick colo hill overlooking road
[00:56:56] love that memory that's a like sam hide reference folks sam who declined to come
[00:57:01] on the podcast uh will not be joining us ever
[00:57:04] that's right continue well that's it sorry so he fucked a bunch of
[00:57:08] Italian horse yeah yeah but like they these were like
[00:57:10] sexually incredibly explicit i don't i don't know why i brought this up
[00:57:14] no i love that fuck back then people fucked back then can you can you
[00:57:18] take a picture and show it to me one time of these women no no of the note i want
[00:57:22] to read it okay yeah damn dude i wish i could fuck that way
[00:57:27] just fuck random Italian well like a veteran dead back then dude
[00:57:30] yeah i feel bad for like a five foot five south africanian yeah i feel better
[00:57:34] is now they like come on crush and they just have to get married to a fat
[00:57:37] woman and they all do that man like every fucking guy i know that was
[00:57:42] started like michael's and get married immediately to
[00:57:46] a five and then they have like 10 billion kids
[00:57:48] yeah and then someone accidentally steps on bubble wrap at their work and
[00:57:52] they have somebody just snapped next well my wife left me
[00:57:58] said i'll make stolen valor videos at the mall
[00:58:01] front retarded kid pull in valor fuck up and wear a call a duty hat
[00:58:09] fuck we were just watching one of those awesome
[00:58:11] some guy can say they're all awesome yeah there's not a single bad one the one
[00:58:14] where the kid said he was he was drafted when he was 16
[00:58:18] and then the guy's like when was that and he was like 2014
[00:58:25] yeah he was lying that that gets great because he's like lying he's like
[00:58:28] y'all's in the army they tried to make me shoot but uh i couldn't do it
[00:58:31] no not to make me a sharpshooter but they tried everything he was like
[00:58:35] he's lying about being in the military but then he makes himself out to be like
[00:58:38] a really shitty yeah he's like downplaying it yeah he's a liar but he's also very
[00:58:43] humble it's weird it's bizarre i think he was just
[00:58:46] retelling the plot of a movie he saw yeah that sounded like well it's so funny
[00:58:50] when they confront people like that where it's like they're not
[00:58:52] stealing valor this is clearly like a pro person with like a mental
[00:58:56] muscle yeah no one believes yeah they lie like children do i remember my
[00:59:00] cousin one time we were kids he used to lie all the time but like a lot of kids
[00:59:03] lie yeah and my cousin just he would lie like that like i remember to him
[00:59:08] talking to me one time we were both in like second grade and he's like
[00:59:11] yeah me and my friends were at the beach and we found a whale that was on the
[00:59:15] beach and so me and my friends we all carried it back to my house
[00:59:19] it's like you don't live anywhere near the beach
[00:59:22] yeah that's number one the closest beach is 300 miles from your house
[00:59:28] dragging a whale through the street yeah yeah i really don't understand how much
[00:59:33] of seven-year-olds you also both whales are so big yeah i don't like
[00:59:37] well where's the whale now and he's like it's above my fireplace i'm like the
[00:59:40] physics of that don't make me a sense how big do you think a fucking whale is
[00:59:49] it's like a seven and a half-foot whale now that's awesome yeah kids that have
[00:59:53] PTSD lie a lot more oh really when i was teaching a lot of kids
[00:59:57] who just all out lie about like say that they uh he goes around lying about
[01:00:03] being a teacher and was raped as a child with PTSD like
[01:00:09] Syrian refugee kids no man like um just kid the guys that were like abused
[01:00:13] when they were younger and oh really hell yeah shout outs being abused
[01:00:17] this podcast is sponsored by Stephen Collins yeah
[01:00:20] actor who played uh the pastor in seven of them raped a bunch of children
[01:00:31] and cut i'm gonna be my trailer for about 20 minutes
[01:00:36] if uh if there's a pair of osh cautious of the door handle don't come
[01:00:42] a knock it i'll visit there just a little overall
[01:00:48] flying out of the window yeah if there's a if there's a play school
[01:00:53] trike parked in front of my trailer he's like taking his pie off of me like a
[01:00:58] train conductor yeah yeah yeah yeah got fingerpates on his door
[01:01:05] just on his hands they're just too red little kid fingerpaint prints
[01:01:11] right where the cock is they draw a frown
[01:01:16] they're painting a finger print in a frown on his face
[01:01:23] well i think he laughed about kids getting raped i'm like without seven
[01:01:26] of those guys who gives a shit it's funny you know my favorite uh so i
[01:01:31] would say his name he's the worst thing he listens to the podcast
[01:01:34] because he was the dollar pass of iron balls over the wallet
[01:01:36] this is a podcast he's a friend so i don't want to say his name but
[01:01:40] there's a guy we know his girlfriend very publicly cheated on him
[01:01:46] now well his job it used to drive the tiny train at the mall
[01:01:51] and so i like remember when like this story came out about his girlfriend
[01:01:55] publicly cheating on him just envisioning him like pissed off
[01:01:59] angrily driving that tiny train around the wall
[01:02:05] getting a 4.5 miles per hour i thought he's moving the shit today
[01:02:25] yes that was such a funny mental image for me that whole week
[01:02:29] then i would see him and be like what's up man
[01:02:37] all right well i thought i'll pretty much do it we're over an hour now so
[01:02:41] we might have to just release both of those is like a double whammy i felt
[01:02:44] like that was a good run that was a good run but we
[01:02:46] fuck i'm well we could talk about it we have one bank from last week
[01:02:54] and we'll get one with the purse now next week oh that's good that'll be a good one
[01:02:59] all right well yeah let me just check the levels again
[01:03:04] podcast two levels at the end of the podcast
[01:03:13] let me just check and make sure everything sounds good okay