Cum Town | Regular | 10/07/2020
[00:00:04] She had a come bus up at old Shiffa Road.
[00:00:08] Come over here and let me get some of that pussy hole.
[00:00:12] She said, hold your dick with the baby on.
[00:00:17] Later I fuck all day I'll get your own cold oil
[00:00:20] Why don't you hold your dick with the baby on?
[00:00:22] Penguin Classic to Kill the Mockingbird as presented
[00:00:30] by the come town players from the memory.
[00:00:50] Well, another day being a lawyer, another day to go home
[00:00:53] to my child's sport and the other one, Pringus or whatever.
[00:01:01] Just another day here in 1940s fucking Mississippi
[00:01:15] And now, that's me getting into my car.
[00:01:21] We're just starting as you're listening to the radio play
[00:01:23] of To Kill the Mockingbird as presented by memory on NPR.
[00:01:29] Ah, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
[00:01:37] When I drive home, I like to think about how racist things
[00:01:44] Seems like everything's in black and white.
[00:01:52] And the thing is, the south is hot, but the leaves.
[00:01:57] And I've run over a black person accidentally.
[00:02:04] And they're like, oh, we saw you run over that colored fellow
[00:02:09] And we were about to arrest you for motor,
[00:02:11] but I didn't realize your famous lawyer, Atticus Finch.
[00:02:15] Oh, please, I beg of you, you have to arrest me.
[00:02:20] I have to face justice just like this man.
[00:02:23] I ran over water if he had done the same to me.
[00:02:27] Well, we've actually been following him.
[00:02:31] And he's been using his tiny arm to make his penis look bigger,
[00:02:37] Is it a crime when a white man does it?
[00:02:48] All right, well, in that case, I guess I'll go home scot-free.
[00:03:04] Still thinking about racism here in the south.
[00:03:27] I'm glad I make so much money as a lawyer
[00:03:29] to be able to afford such a nice race car here in the south.
[00:03:34] It's the nice, the finest race car in the south.
[00:03:40] I think it's sometimes somewhere between 1920 and 1955.
[00:03:47] And it was the first year of the Corvette.
[00:03:49] It was the first, 1927, the first year of the Corvette.
[00:03:55] And I got the first one is the least racist lawyer
[00:03:59] But still a racist from the second vote.
[00:04:01] But still a racist, if you don't forget,
[00:04:03] I just ran over a black man and killed him.
[00:04:11] But now I'm second guessing it, and now I'm home.
[00:04:16] Walking up the steps to my doodoo doodoo.
[00:04:23] And then here's my child, my androgynous daughter sport.
[00:04:42] I'm blind, as you remember from the movie, I think.
[00:04:49] Anyway, so you were just asking me how court was today?
[00:04:55] We had the question of whether a lot of the Teach
[00:05:00] And I think there was me and 12 other jurors.
[00:05:23] Sometimes I forget as a blind man, because I've been blinded by the injustice of the racial
[00:05:31] south, whether the sounds are... what their context is, whether they're part of a narrative
[00:05:38] flashback or happening in the moment, as I'm reciting little details of the story.
[00:05:47] Yeah, there was a kid who's on trial for stabbing somebody, and there's one guy who's
[00:05:53] Italian, so he's from the slums, and he knows how a slits which play works.
[00:05:58] And then the guy who does the voice of...
[00:06:10] It sounds less like Marge and more like Jared from Super Jail.
[00:06:26] In the heat of the night, what is this again?
[00:06:28] The Puerto Rican kid stabbed someone or something.
[00:06:30] There was a weird boy named Boop Riley.
[00:06:35] And the guy who does the voice of Winnie the Pooh says that he was probably innocent.
[00:06:40] Well, anyways, on the way home, I ran over this black guy who's...
[00:06:45] And he had all these pieces of a shiffa robe in his pockets.
[00:06:48] And I've done maybe he stole the shiffa robe, apparently there's a woman, a bitch, if you
[00:06:53] will, asked him to bust it up for her, and he was fucking her or something.
[00:07:02] That's a really, really interesting day, dad.
[00:07:06] And then now, wait, now I'm remembering it is the husband came home and saw the baby
[00:07:24] Honestly, I can't fucking remember something.
[00:07:30] Maybe as my son Adam, you should lecture me on why I should really press to be charged
[00:07:39] Dad, you always taught us to do the right thing.
[00:07:44] You kids go hang out with that retard across the street.
[00:07:46] I'm going to go back to the courthouse and demand to be thrown in jail.
[00:07:52] And I'm going to be the man that decides to prosecute himself for racism in the south.
[00:08:02] Wait, you said there was a second book?
[00:08:10] It came out like, gentlemen, we're in the middle of a play.
[00:08:17] Well, actors, don't you understand that?
[00:08:27] Judge, ah, Atticus Finch, the best fucking...
[00:08:28] Look at the biggest swinging cock in the whole course.
[00:08:49] The most motherfucking lawyer we've ever seen in the south.
[00:09:03] I'm an almost some coward guy on the way home.
[00:09:11] I'm charging myself, but you're not the DA.
[00:09:22] And we're going to have a whole trial where I argue...
[00:09:30] It's because black people are done talking to white people about race.
[00:09:39] I was thinking I was on my way home and I thought to myself, what if Dado was black?
[00:09:48] Would we be okay having him as a slave?
[00:10:01] These are the voyages of my Toyota Prius, to Portland Dorg, and to participate in the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.
[00:10:15] I'm just going to see if I can get some tent pussy.
[00:10:18] I'm trying to get tent stinky tent pussy.
[00:10:20] I'm trying to get just disgusting tent pussy.
[00:10:24] Because I want to bond a room when I was 15 and struck out.
[00:10:29] And now I can never get it out of my mind.
[00:10:34] Just getting some nasty dead head pussy.
[00:10:37] Okay, Atticus, we'll let you have your child.
[00:10:42] If only there was some kind of sound effects going on to make this world more livable.
[00:10:55] You can just get some cut here in the courthouse.
[00:11:07] Teach your ass how to really catch a nut.
[00:11:16] Well, I'm going to turn down your walls.
[00:11:28] Meanwhile, everybody in the neighborhood think I'm scary.
[00:11:33] They call me Boo because they think I'm scary, but I'm actually just retarded.
[00:11:43] That's the thing, the surprise twist at the end is that I was the one who raped a woman.
[00:11:52] I turned out to be the secret villain, I think.
[00:11:55] That's what Go Catch a Watchman's about.
[00:12:09] Robert Duvall actually plays Boo Radley.
[00:12:21] You've got to play the retard mentally slowly.
[00:12:24] You've got to come in and think about it real.
[00:12:30] What do you think about things that are real slow down?
[00:12:34] That's him teaching his seminar on playing a retard.
[00:12:42] If I wanted to play a retard like you did, yeah, that's probably the thing.
[00:12:53] It's me, Chris Penn, standing in for my brother Sean.
[00:12:57] I'm Chris Penn and I'm fucking, I'm fucking, I'm Sean Penn.
[00:13:00] I'm Chris Penn from Corky Romano and I'm gay secretly.
[00:13:17] They're like, sir, we have three flavors.
[00:13:20] And then it just pans out and it's just vanilla and chocolate.
[00:13:27] Shouts out to Quokey Romano, a great movie.
[00:13:31] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you're about to witness a trial never before seen in the
[00:13:36] state of Texas, Texas, Arcana, and Texas, Mississippi, Texas, Texas, Philadelphia.
[00:13:44] Here in the southern city of Philadelphia.
[00:13:49] We've let sand and there's sand, there's a sand storm in the trial and we're all
[00:13:54] entering a biblical journey through the Baja.
[00:14:01] I took a mess going before the trial to thoroughly dissociate so that I could play the role of
[00:14:09] both prosecutor and counsel for the defense.
[00:14:17] But I'm putting myself on trial for racism because it's more important that we show internal
[00:14:24] accountability, especially while on drugs, that it is for us to lecture others because
[00:14:30] societal change only comes through the man directed outwards.
[00:14:36] And what I did, and I admit to it, objection to your honor, I am not a judge.
[00:14:48] Anyways, our first witness is the retard from across the street.
[00:14:57] You may approach the bench or the chair.
[00:15:36] I have one straight judge, one gay judge.
[00:15:41] Am I allowed to go to the bathroom in the seat?
[00:15:54] I've already gone to the bathroom in the seat.
[00:15:58] Your witness is being retarded right now.
[00:16:35] Because I'm scary because I'm retarded.
[00:16:41] Is there anyone in this courtroom that's scary to you?
[00:16:50] And then Boo Radley pointed at the black guy who is in our trap,
[00:16:57] who was just there for some reason, even though he had been run over by Attic's fidget.
[00:17:05] Why does he scare you? Because he's a ghost.
[00:17:10] And maybe that's the lesson we can all learn.
[00:17:14] It's not black people that scare us but ghosts.
[00:17:19] And we often, because they're dark, we think that they come from ghost town.
[00:17:33] Really, you don't want to, you don't, you know, you sure you don't want to ask any more questions
[00:17:41] or present any more witnesses in this trial you demanded of yourself.
[00:17:59] There's a secret clause hidden in the Constitution that says if a man ever goes on trial for himself
[00:18:05] that British law supersedes American law and it's our way of sneaking back in after the revolution.
[00:18:14] Because we knew that racism in America's attempt to dismantle it would always bring down.
[00:18:21] And that's why we intentionally lost the revolutionary war because baked in to the American genesis
[00:18:29] was an inherent contradiction of equality while upholding slavery and something along the way.
[00:19:11] And by the way, I forgot to say I'm gay.
[00:19:32] We're going to have sex with all of our guards.
[00:19:38] Bring about 400 years of gay, British rule.
[00:20:07] If you enjoyed tonight's presentation of the come down
[00:20:09] players, NPR broadcast to kill a marking bird from memory.
[00:20:25] I'm mad that you may be calling Indian guy.
[00:20:32] You think you can talk to me like this?
[00:20:40] This shit, this shitty piece is inside of that piece of shit.
[00:20:44] Are you fucking that shit that you shit out?
[00:20:50] David Mamet was one of the greatest writers.
[00:20:53] David Mamet's monologue he wrote for Alec Baldwin's character,
[00:20:59] who didn't appear in the initial plays,
[00:21:01] regarded as one of the greatest pieces of American writing
[00:21:10] Well, too bad you can't because your dick's too fucking small
[00:21:16] Why don't you take a look at this watch?
[00:21:18] How about I take it off shoving so far up your fucking ass?
[00:21:21] You know, you're fucking telling time with your tonsils and
[00:21:25] tastes like fucking, you know, minutes.
[00:21:30] You got to say you fucking piece of shit.
[00:21:32] I'm going to show this fucking watch so far up your fucking
[00:21:42] Then you're fucking throwing up fucking tiny gears.
[00:21:46] You're fucking gears coming out of your ears.
[00:22:11] At the same place this guy got his watch?
[00:22:15] By the way, where did you get that name?
[00:22:18] The same place I left with my watch is up this guy's watch store.
[00:22:25] Watch pieces all over your birth certificate.
[00:22:42] When I'm in here, when I'm man-speaking, you can do one thing.
[00:22:46] You can open your mouth and put my fucking cock in it.
[00:22:50] Your mouth stays closed until it's question time.
[00:22:54] And that's when I ask you the questions.
[00:23:01] The only time you open your mouth is to pull out little pieces of wasp.
[00:23:06] And that's only if I put it in your ass, by the way.
[00:23:21] The greatest scenes in American history.
[00:23:39] The come-town presentation of dangerously and sometimes.
[00:23:49] Oh, Marquis, meet me in the powder room.
[00:23:56] You know, I guess you could say it's a dangerous liaison.
[00:24:05] When I was in Baltimore, my brother was watching Amadeus.
[00:24:09] He has some of the biggest, most juicy titties in America.
[00:24:14] But if you like juicy titties, you'll love cushy dreams.
[00:24:20] I don't know about you guys, but I love juicy titties.
[00:24:23] I love that they have high quality motherfucking CBD products.
[00:24:27] Because look, I don't know about you guys.
[00:24:29] You guys are the most proud of the gummies and vapes.
[00:24:39] And that's what fucking cushy dreams allow.
[00:24:41] I'm trying to get fucked in my ass, but I'm fucking CBD.
[00:24:44] I'm trying to get my asshole absolutely obliterated by a fucking nice pre-roll joint of CBD.
[00:24:54] Where the fuck is the goddamn cushy dreams copy, man?
[00:24:59] It's because I'm so fucked up on their shit that gets you 100% high as fuck.
[00:25:08] Here's the thing, ladies and- or fellas, when you take a girl home, you want to have absolutely
[00:25:16] Zero shadow of a doubt that she is in any way, shape, or form impaired, right?
[00:25:22] So you want to put on a little nong shop, a roll up, a little-
[00:25:29] You can't get out of- if you can't get hard without secretly slipping something into a
[00:25:36] If you're a former date rapist and you try to have your lovian reaction to slippin' something
[00:25:41] in a woman's drink where you get a heart, cushy dreams has pills for that.
[00:25:45] It'd be funny to be like, yeah, I can't get arb without pills.
[00:25:57] Did somebody think that's what people mean when they say dick pills?
[00:26:03] Oh, we could just openly talk about it?
[00:26:08] Yeah, they're like, we went on that website.
[00:26:10] They had- they didn't have any GHB for sale anywhere.
[00:26:24] Yeah, it's like, it gets you real loose.
[00:26:56] But listen, right now, we're not talking about slurs.
[00:27:01] Some of the fucking most luxurious, high-quality,
[00:27:09] If you live in America, they'll ship that shit right to your fucking door.
[00:27:13] One of my favorite things about cushy dreams is how much access packaging they come in.
[00:27:28] But if there's a thing in there that tells the postman,
[00:27:34] And if it smells like high quality marijuana, it tastes like it.
[00:27:44] I mean, because oil, honestly, is bullshit.
[00:27:54] I was like, let me just put this in my smoothie.
[00:28:00] But the smokeable shit, that's the way-
[00:28:03] Because that's the way the drugs wanted to be done by themselves.
[00:28:10] That's the way Mother Gaia intended for you to-
[00:28:12] They don't want you to touch the leaf that we've been given by jaw.
[00:28:19] It's all about peace and love and smoking.
[00:28:23] God, can you imagine how fucking annoying the 60s were?
[00:28:28] I mean, I could like- It's weird because if I had to be around those people, I would be like,
[00:28:35] I'm going to join the CIA and figure out a way to kill these people.
[00:28:41] I'll fucking- I'll take the fucking test- whatever the gay test-
[00:28:44] I'll figure out who fucking, you know, the mayor fucking-
[00:28:52] Yeah, whatever bullshit I need to do to get into the State Department so I can kill these people.
[00:29:14] Too bad they didn't have cushy dreams so they didn't have to open their minds eye.
[00:29:18] They could just chill the fuck out and shut up.
[00:29:26] You can make some into, you know, something else.
[00:29:33] Which pretty much cuts the angel dust and-
[00:29:38] You know, you can dip a fucking joint in fucking-
[00:29:43] Yeah, so they got tins that are like an 8th or whatever.
[00:29:57] They got basically the way- Oh, Nick just pulled a dildo out of his ass.
[00:30:01] Yeah, just like a bunch of handkerchiefs like a clown.
[00:30:06] Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you guys I got into magic.
[00:30:13] It'd be so funny to like, if you just didn't care about like anything, just like spending
[00:30:19] years as a clown to get hired at like demonstration day at an elementary school and your grand finale
[00:30:26] So, how's your ass- Showing your asshole.
[00:30:33] Just having a midget pull him out in front of the kids.
[00:30:37] And see how your balls flapping the wind.
[00:30:45] And the midget's holding on as they separate you.
[00:30:47] It's being dragged up in separate directions.
[00:30:59] Tell them, CJ, you fucking tell those pigs.
[00:31:11] Oh, God, your ass is fucked the police.
[00:31:12] He's like a four year old and you're looking at your nuts.
[00:31:24] It came as- There's a fucking- He's a clown.
[00:31:28] The same black lives matter and he's pulling handkerchiefs out of his ass in front of a
[00:31:39] Somebody told me there was one of the only respectable outlets.
[00:31:46] I go to cushydreams.com and I say, I type in promo code either come town or come town 20.
[00:32:00] One of them works and you will enjoy 20% off.
[00:32:03] 20% off or something along those lines.
[00:32:22] One of the most difficult verses to do.
[00:32:25] There's so much nuance to the character.
[00:32:33] You know, a lot of this, it's a miracle.
[00:32:38] They've got markers that smell like there's things that they are.
[00:32:57] Hey, enjoy a deal of some kind of the deal for a high quality smokeable CBD.
[00:33:02] Whether it be free shipping or a discount on your-
[00:33:05] Listen, the important thing to remember is smoke your CBD.
[00:33:19] He's best friends with this Black Lives Matter clown.
[00:33:23] By this point, dude, when this comes out, Trump will be doing fucking chin ups in the White
[00:33:42] So what could happen is that he's like, oh, I'm fine.
[00:33:50] Him dying would be an incredible end to the bit.
[00:33:58] And then his dumb ass children try and run for obviously.
[00:34:02] It doesn't work because they don't have the swag.
[00:34:04] Yeah, they think they're just as good as they don't have the spritz at do.
[00:34:23] I wanna- Look, the family is, you know-
[00:34:33] Pull her clothes off and jam his dick into her pussy.
[00:34:35] And they're fucking in the Oval Office.
[00:34:39] He puts her on the desk and he spreads her legs.
[00:34:41] And he starts off licking, gets her wet first by licking her pussy.
[00:34:47] And he's fucking licking all over his pussy.
[00:34:55] And he says he's mouth fucking her until the tears stop.
[00:35:00] And then it's like, what are you doing?
[00:35:07] That's what he wants, because he's sick.
[00:35:25] This is the first week elementary schools have been open since March.
[00:35:32] I just want to make the kids happy with some clowns.
[00:35:36] All of the money went to build the New York City Police Department
[00:35:42] The police officers- The state of the art- The police facility.
[00:35:44] The police are going to be saying, well, we'll defund the police,
[00:35:47] but the police are getting their own laser tag and go-kart facility
[00:35:50] that will- The entire facility will be built on top of the south Bronx
[00:36:00] And then he or the police department will hire no new officers.
[00:36:07] But they have their own Dave and Busters.
[00:36:11] They basically- Everything from that movie blank check.
[00:36:16] They got the- Each precinct gets their own blank check house.
[00:36:20] is basically that movie blank check if the kids are like, what if I could-
[00:36:25] What if I could put a 12-year-old blackhead in a chokehold
[00:36:34] They got their own Dave and Busters and Bill de Blasio thanked them
[00:36:37] for their tireless service while they spit in his mouth.
[00:36:41] Bill de Bla- Bill who let the dogs out de Blazia.
[00:36:45] Why Bill de Bla- Why don't you just go all the way, you know?
[00:37:07] And this- I'm from the de Blazio house.
[00:37:12] This is voguing while people are dying, David.
[00:37:16] It says honor the essential workers I'm dressing up like Davis
[00:37:22] and hanging out in front of the Strand.
[00:37:25] I'll be voguing in front of the Strand in pumps
[00:37:45] I'm hoping this should stay so, but it's been very nice around here recently, dude.
[00:37:53] Yeah, I wanted to get food the other day.
[00:37:55] They're saying they're going to close it all down again.
[00:38:07] Shout-out to the three guys that all kissed.
[00:38:09] I have to say, I asked the audience if anyone had ever had a threesome
[00:38:15] and then three guys raised their hands.
[00:38:17] And I asked them who they had threesome with
[00:38:21] They all fucked before going to the coming of the show.
[00:38:23] They were just three gay guys hanging out and becoming-
[00:38:26] There's three fellas playing fucking GameCube and sucking each other off.
[00:38:32] They had a little bit of- I would say they had a little nerd-stank to them.
[00:38:36] They looked like three regular ass white guys and then they were just all
[00:38:40] happened to be homosexuals that Aaron's a gay triad.
[00:38:43] To answer your question, I have no idea what's going on.
[00:38:47] The guy at the coffee shop said that they were closing everything down.
[00:38:54] Because it was like curbside, bullshit or whatever.
[00:39:04] He was like, no, they're shutting it all down.
[00:39:07] And I was like, oh, he's like, yeah, cases are going up.
[00:39:10] I was saying this fault, but it honestly is.
[00:39:12] I was like, it's a fake virus to hurt the president.
[00:39:30] I'm going to get- I'm going to make America great again.
[00:39:40] People love parody, make America great.
[00:39:52] And then if you get close up enough to them, then you're like, oh, you're just a loser.
[00:40:01] That's almost as good as my idea for the fucking laser pointer that's the Batman logo, so that
[00:40:12] There's a lot of things I should do, you know?
[00:40:17] That's a- that's probably a ten year old idea you've had.
[00:40:21] I bet you got a lot of ten year old ideas.
[00:40:30] Actually, I think actually it's just one, actually.
[00:40:32] That's the only one you have, Adam, to have sex with a ten year old.
[00:40:38] By the way, I knew- I do think Philly's cool.
[00:40:41] I remember we had this conversation maybe a year ago and I was like, Philly's not that
[00:40:48] It looks like we got a little mind-doh change-o going on here.
[00:40:52] Somebody's got a magic trick of their own.
[00:40:53] I'm just- I'm a guy who's open to new experiences.
[00:40:57] And had a great time over in the Ila Delph.
[00:41:00] Did you hit an Ila Delph balling down there?
[00:41:05] Three percolators, three percolators, couple key catchers.
[00:41:10] Got to put a little bit of- put a little bit of- ever clear.
[00:41:29] I just open it again and immediately at the Refinery29 page.
[00:41:37] And it's- I mean, it's just- it's truly bizarre.
[00:41:39] It's a screen cap of an Alicia Silverstone tweet.
[00:41:48] It's- it's first of all, a screen cap of an Alicia Silverstone tweet.
[00:41:51] And then just put it over some shitty graphic in the background.
[00:41:55] So it looks like somebody did some kind of work.
[00:41:57] And then they put their own watermark on her tweet.
[00:42:03] It says, the face you make when someone says climate change isn't real.
[00:42:07] And then the I-roll emoji, hashtag mood, and then a picture of herself from Clueless rolling her off.
[00:42:14] And then Refinery29's caption is, ugh, as if-
[00:42:22] Wait, so they think climate change is great.
[00:42:24] Dude, somebody's making $90,000 a year to-
[00:42:27] Why Refinery29 is fascinating to me is because it's like, it's- it's weird.
[00:42:32] It's like a- it's like a- it's like a- like a tone you can't hear anymore.
[00:42:40] I read these and I'm like, it's like somebody saying like,
[00:42:46] Well, to me it seems like something that's old, like an old tone.
[00:43:01] It's like a fucking- and I may have even said it described it in this way before,
[00:43:05] but it's like a fucking- like a silent scream almost.
[00:43:12] You feel powerless to do anything about it.
[00:43:20] You said you're scared of the girls who were firing 29.
[00:43:23] You're annoying me because I'm trying to express what this is.
[00:43:29] No, because you're doing the- actually your dick is small thing in the middle of me
[00:43:35] Well, by the way, you're dick is small.
[00:43:38] We can talk about me being afraid of the refinery 29 girls later.
[00:44:22] I had them replaced with a different kind of braces.
[00:44:30] Well, I have a fun social media job and then I go home and strike out on Tinder every night
[00:44:35] while getting drunk off wine from the Bodega.
[00:44:45] Yeah, but it's cool that you're scared of them.
[00:44:59] Taking a gun out and putting it to your head and pulling the fucking trigger.
[00:45:06] You know what I'd get married to out, man?
[00:45:10] A fucking booing knife and jamming it into your fucking skull.
[00:45:23] I don't even know what that website is.
[00:45:25] I've never even heard of the fucking thing.
[00:45:35] I have Parkinson's because I was never afraid of anything, and so I ate a bunch of chemicals
[00:45:42] You have Parkinson's anytime you look at the refinder at 29, or-
[00:45:46] No, you don't shake when you look at other stuff.
[00:45:49] Wait a minute, Marty, you got Parkinson's?
[00:46:06] I'm going to the future, and I'm going to slap your shaky ass.
[00:46:11] I'm going to slap the Parkinson's out of you.
[00:46:14] I'm going to slap the black off your ass, Marty.
[00:46:24] It's time to talk about a little website called MyBookieDaddy.
[00:46:34] The cold autumn winds are coming through the air, and that means football season.
[00:46:39] It's time to have sex with your friends.
[00:46:42] It's time to have sex for money with your friends.
[00:46:45] It's coming season, and it's time to bet which one of your friends you're going to knock up.
[00:46:50] Will this be the time you both say fuck it to going and getting the abortion?
[00:46:55] Is it time to have not a mistake but a fuck it who cares, baby?
[00:47:04] Bet on which one of your friends you're going to just lazily nut it.
[00:47:11] And then say, I'm probably sterile because why wouldn't I be at this point?
[00:47:19] Let me tell you this, it's certainly not in my heart or my soul to father or child.
[00:47:38] I think somehow I can manage being a weekend dad and not end up as a fucking piece of shit deadbeat.
[00:47:47] The fantasy I have is the kids happy to see me once every six months.
[00:47:53] My life is still going to midnight releases.
[00:48:00] Just to see what's going on, not even to buy anything.
[00:48:10] I like to say to guys, I remember when I used to do this kind of shit before I had a kid.
[00:48:18] I got, I just mentioned my kid trying to get new pussy.
[00:48:24] I'm trying to make new pussy happen because I heard that bitches like fathers.
[00:48:36] And blow your savings, which you won't.
[00:48:41] Instead of having a kid, why don't you lose all your money gambling on sports?
[00:48:46] Well, no, I think if you have a kid, if you're about to have a kid and you're not financially
[00:48:56] You end up just as shitty as your own father.
[00:49:03] But with my bookie, you have an opportunity to transcend that.
[00:49:07] It's not going to be through hard work.
[00:49:09] It's going to be through betting, winning, becoming rich quickly.
[00:49:18] My bookie.ajia completely real websites.
[00:49:38] You got pictures of all major credit cards on the website.
[00:49:41] You take a picture of your credit card.
[00:50:05] The man who raped the most people in prison boulevard hero,
[00:50:14] Avenue of the heroes of raping people in prison.
[00:50:26] You send a picture of your credit card there and something will happen to your money.
[00:50:32] Good what something you'll be there will be a change they will you will double your money up to a thousand dollars
[00:50:39] They also got super spreaders. Yeah, no super contest super spreaders you go online. There's a woman
[00:50:47] She opens her pussy. So why the cash blows out
[00:50:50] Cash just blows out of her super spreader pussy every bill covered in covid if you can put all of the bills in your mouth
[00:50:58] And suck off all the pussy juice without ending up on the ventilator a thousand dollars to you my friend
[00:51:05] The extra thousand dollars goes directly to your bank account. That's right. Just send a picture of your wife's pussy
[00:51:16] 5 6 8 2 hero of raping dissidents Avenue
[00:51:20] Decidants will be raped and fucked through death Avenue Moscow Russia. That's right a
[00:51:29] Really good ass website that you'll love and when you're doing all that when you send in the picture of your wife's pussy
[00:51:35] Make sure you use promo code come town or come town 20 the com town or come down 20. We cannot remember
[00:51:42] It does not it does matter because make sure to get it right make sure you do it right because a
[00:51:47] There's something that happens that some kind of benefit for you
[00:51:51] And be and much more importantly much more importantly they contract to make sure we did our jobs
[00:51:59] That we did because this podcast is not about being funny. It's about selling
[00:52:16] You dumb motherfuckers making you go bro
[00:52:29] Man and underpants that I hear a kind of permacre is come town
[00:52:34] Oh, see that pro codes come down visit my bookie online today that's my B. Oh, okay
[00:52:39] I and don't forget to use the promo code come down and creating your account according bonus
[00:52:44] Bet when get pussy bet when get pussy. I cannot wait to get pussy. I cannot avoid
[00:52:51] If you're a big enough guys, they let you get pussy. They put me in gulag where they fuck my butt chicks
[00:52:57] They beat me over and they say you have you have been this event and now it is time to get fucked in your bootcheeks
[00:53:20] I become so painfully fucked in my bootcheeks
[00:53:23] That I cannot walk I try to take a shit in my ass my boot yax
[00:53:29] They are so much that I shit out of my own mouth. God comes tiny watch pieces. I
[00:53:37] Don't know it's like I become become Alec Baldwin. I am to come into bollocks from movie
[00:53:45] See Ross a Degrasse to get a Glenn Gary then
[00:54:07] Glenn Glenn dinegative grassy Deeole grousey
[00:54:14] That's it. Whatever it takes. I know I'm gonna make it through. You hear that you fucking piece of shit
[00:54:23] We can't be the best you better be what your fucking ass. I know I can make it through
[00:54:32] I was like five episodes of the grassy. What are you fucking?
[00:54:36] Watch every episode. Yeah, he loves it. It is a great job. You saw the one with Drake on shot. Yeah
[00:54:42] Yeah, classic. You know he is shot by it's so funny dude
[00:54:46] There's like a fat girl character on the show
[00:54:48] Oh, yeah, and then there's like a freak nerd and then the freak nerd starts dating the fat girl character
[00:54:53] And then make fun of him and then he starts beating her whoa and he likes bounces her head off a piece of concrete
[00:55:00] She's just off the show and then he's still in school and people go back to bullying him for like beating the girl to death and
[00:55:06] Then he brings a gun to school and he's like this is what you get for laughing at me and Drake's like
[00:55:13] I ain't trying to get no shot in no dance school
[00:55:18] I ain't trying to get no damn shot in no dance school
[00:55:26] Oh, God damn shot me and my mother fucking ass
[00:55:44] But the bullet goes into his ass. Oh, never man. Okay. He's in a wheelchair
[00:55:49] Yeah, but that's like a children's show like there's no brass. It's teenagers. What do you like a fucking teenager or something?
[00:55:57] What do you call yourself a teenager you piece of shit
[00:56:03] They fuck me and my part of that's part of that speech part of that speech. I like bald when it just turns around he goes
[00:56:15] Damn hell yeah, yeah the brat we say brass balls or something. Yeah
[00:56:21] You need brass balls. You know what you need to do that
[00:56:25] You need a pair of you need a pair of nuts
[00:56:31] You know what you have to do you have to you know what you need you have to get it's not just about making sale
[00:56:39] Every every sale I've been on every sit I went down on
[00:56:45] It's a woman great. It's a man a couple of six with both of them had six
[00:56:51] Made love to every one of my clients. That's why clothes sales
[00:56:56] I'm sure what you're thinking you sitting there. What is this guy some kind of faggot?
[00:57:04] Sucking people off to get them to make real estate deals sure you look at it that way
[00:57:09] The other way you can look at it is I'm the guy that's keeping his job
[00:57:19] Man does we ask to do this man basically a prostitute
[00:57:25] Our Baldwin comes in who the fuck is this?
[00:57:29] I'm sorry. It's where am I I think I'm in the wrong office you fellas need head. Yeah, I'll do you all 50 a pop
[00:57:36] I'll leave but let me ask you this first. She's an even trying to get their dicks
[00:57:57] What the hell is this this guy just comes in the office tries to suck everybody's dick for five dollars
[00:58:02] You don't like it pal. You can suck you around
[00:58:19] My least favorite character in that movie the lady who steals a sale from
[00:58:25] Fucking Pachino, dude, but making her husband say no
[00:58:32] All ladies and all of David man, but things are villains or dumb stupid villain
[00:58:37] I love that the end of house of games root. We're
[00:58:41] Joe Montagne you just get shot and he's just like you fucking bitch
[00:58:56] I mean yeah, whatever that's the ending yeah
[00:58:58] The whole time it was you we couldn't figure out who it was but it was you you fucking
[00:59:09] Powerful I mean look at me this guy watches it calling a woman a bitch nothing better
[00:59:14] There's no better way to fucking own her ass even if she's killing you
[00:59:19] Yeah, it's called house of games a house of games ever see it now. I like that movie
[00:59:30] What's the commercial I don't know every fucking commercial now is like is a black we it's just a fucking ad for Kamala Harris
[00:59:37] It's Kamala Harris putting people in jail and slow motion
[00:59:44] You can't bluff someone's not paying attention
[00:59:46] Are you nuts what are you nuts? I want you to beg me fuck you?
[00:59:54] I'm not gonna beg you for a goddamn thing. Thank me. It's a goddamn bluff
[01:00:00] Putting a kill me and then go to jail give up all I could shit that you have your bestseller that doctor stuff
[01:00:05] Oh, that stuff you're trying so hard to protect you're gonna give that up. It's not my pistol. I was never here
[01:00:17] Thank for your life, I'm going to kill you hey
[01:00:21] No, I can't help it. I'm out of control. Hey, no, I beg me for your life
[01:00:27] Hey fuck you always wanted you broke your bitch
[01:00:32] You always need to get caught cuz you know you're bad. I never heard anybody. I never shot anybody
[01:00:38] You saw this out. This is what you always wanted. I know it the first time you came in you're worthless. You know it you're a whore
[01:01:05] You're a bitch you're a bitch. What are you gonna do give it up give up everything all that doctor stuff?
[01:01:12] The best seller I mean I like really enjoy David Mamma, but it's funny cuz it's so easy to like
[01:01:31] But it's funny cuz it's so easy to like just tear his shit apart. Yeah, I'm in it. Yeah, but it's good
[01:01:41] Sometimes did the best shit. I've watched I've watched house of games probably like 15 times and every time I'm like
[01:01:48] This is autistic. This is fucking autistic writing and acting but fuck if I don't enjoy
[01:01:54] Hmm you were drawn to autistic writing. I guess they got movies now. Let me tell you
[01:02:01] I guess that one's that'll be on the premium. Oh, is that the other one? Yeah
[01:02:06] Yeah, who fucking even knows I like that. I wish that I wish that the that episode had just been entirely bad
[01:02:12] And we could surgically remove that bit and put it in this one, right?
[01:02:17] So if you guys are waiting for the premium this week, which you can always get by going to patreon patreon.com
[01:02:27] And forking up five bucks a fucking month. Yeah, just skip ahead until you hear the
[01:02:36] Skip ahead see here the I don't even remember I'm giving you shit you fucking whore bitch you bitch whore
[01:02:45] You're bluffing it's just a bluff. It's all a big bluff. What are you gonna do kill me and then go to jail?
[01:03:01] That seems like a fun movie, but now I know the ending damn I'm trying to have diarrhea I
[01:03:07] Had a bunch of his friend. I will want to go home nice
[01:03:10] Mm-hmm. It's funny. I like I never thought I was lactose intolerant or whatever
[01:03:15] But like Scott Chapman was telling me he's like yeah
[01:03:17] I didn't think so either but this doctor lady told me that if your stomach's like
[01:03:21] Distended all the time it's because you're having some kind of like gastric allergy and I'm like oh I'm like that constantly. Oh shit
[01:03:29] That's because you're a quarter Jewish. Well, I never I never went
[01:03:35] But I think I might have like a mild peanut allergy or something a peanut because I get that shit when I fucking like you
[01:03:44] Well, you're not supposed to have a jar what do you mean? I'm not supposed to do shit once you shut up you fucking bitch
[01:03:53] That's what you're gonna do you're gonna tell me how much peanut butter I can eat
[01:03:57] We're gonna tell me how much I can eat like some kind of fucking whore what?
[01:04:01] Fuck you. I'll eat as much peanut butter as I want to
[01:04:06] Never see it has John Montana ever been good in anything. He was good in the midnight dancer trilogy
[01:04:12] What was that midnight dancer one midnight dancer two which one a.m. Now at midnight answer three?
[01:04:18] Holy shit. I've been dancing till 7 a.m.
[01:04:21] The third one obviously the best of the series that's where he breaks his legs tap dancing and he has to get a job
[01:04:33] Joe Montana was you know doing house of games at the time so they had to get Michael Douglas to play the iconic role of the
[01:04:41] Oh, I didn't even realize you like this the pre-made just now notice that I don't have legs
[01:04:49] Do you think I lost my legs sitting around like some kind of Vietnam crybaby? No, I was dancing
[01:05:05] Like some kind of pussy some kind of gay bitch
[01:05:11] I was dad danced all night long the way a man dancing
[01:05:14] I'm like some bitch would I don't dance for fun. I do it because it's a job. I do it because it brings home the bacon
[01:05:23] You think I'm some slut that's going on with their friends to dance maybe get fucked at the end of the night
[01:05:29] Dancing for work. I'm dancing for Mitch and Murray
[01:05:34] I'm dancing for the guys down at the the shop the union bosses. Uh-huh. That's who I'm dancing for
[01:05:42] Oh, yeah, I'm dancing for all the guys who got sucked into machines
[01:05:47] Back with the fellas like us they had nothing to dance for they were making pennies on the hour
[01:05:56] Can I get the fuck out of here so I can do my speech
[01:06:00] No one wants you to start their car no one cares
[01:06:04] Dragging a legless Michael Douglas out of the office
[01:06:10] Oh cops up best all cops bastards back that's matter
[01:06:24] So I'm calling them gay, dude. Sorry. I'm lost. They're nice
[01:06:28] You need to get them tailored. I might need to get them tailored slightly smell that little fart just escaped my ass
[01:06:34] Yeah, I farted earlier in the episode and you know that you said anything. I thought it was very professional of you didn't hear it
[01:06:41] It was an SBD. I probably just fucking slid out of your ass stop. Can you give me a ride home? Yeah?
[01:06:50] Hello everyone well looks like we're wrapping up so go to stop it up is and buy some fucking tickets to see me
[01:06:55] I'm gonna be in where you're gonna be stop by the time this comes out. Oh the Wuhaha and Worcester, Mass
[01:07:01] We've got some ticket stuff for the five o'clock show the early show
[01:07:05] And then I'm gonna be at Royersford PA on the 16th and then at my goobies joke house good old Baltimore Halloween weekend
[01:07:13] So come suck me off buy some fucking shirts over there all that good stuff
[01:07:23] Etc and if you want t-shirts come dot town
[01:07:27] Mm-hmm. We got next got some good ones on some boy pussy Adam. Oh, yeah, I forgot I sell t-shirts
[01:07:34] If you want some boy pussy Adam not Friedland
[01:07:40] If you don't have to I would I would definitely recommend just
[01:07:48] Just stop using the internet you're saying that to the listener
[01:07:51] I because I really have like had like a clean break for the most part. Yeah, it's like you've been good
[01:07:57] It's honestly, I mean, it's it really is like I just kind of like it ran out
[01:08:02] It there's nothing I can extract from it anymore the point of the internet is to find the clip where Joan Montagne
[01:08:07] He calls a woman a bitch. That's it dude
[01:08:09] I mean, maybe you check in and you just fucking look at that and then you just go right back to like
[01:08:14] Do a crossword or something if you figure out if you I feel great?
[01:08:20] I mean, I don't feel great. I feel like normal. You know, yeah, yeah, I know I was off when I was at Baltimore
[01:08:27] And it's creeping back in I'm gonna get off again
[01:08:29] Yeah, he's got to put the phone down and like because once you separate from it for a little bit
[01:08:35] You don't miss it. Yeah, you don't you really don't but it also just it's so easy to slide back in
[01:08:41] Yeah, I mean the best way to do it is like I found is just leave your phone at home and go for like a
[01:08:46] 45 minute walk in the morning like wake up early
[01:08:50] Yeah, start your day off if you can like not look at your phone first thing in the morning
[01:08:54] And then figure out a way to just like have coffee go for a walk or like, you know
[01:08:59] On your commute or whatever you're fucking doing just like don't check the phone in the morning
[01:09:03] And then see if you can make once you start making it to like midday and it's easy. Mm-hmm
[01:09:09] You know, I mean you just stop giving a shit
[01:09:11] Mm-hmm. It's fucking boring. I know it's just yeah, check out a book called the Turner diaries also
[01:09:23] Well, it's a book it's a book, you know, I mean it's better than
[01:09:28] No, it's better than using a racist phone. Yeah, it's made out of Chinese people and
[01:09:34] African batteries. This whole thing is yeah, it's just African and Chinese people. Yeah, that's true
[01:09:39] I don't even see this. I just see watching