Cum Town | Regular | 10/27/2016
[00:00:29] We're listening to Fresh Air on NPR and today's topic, Nigeria.
[00:00:36] I guess today is, I don't know, somebody.
[00:00:45] A white guy that's a professor of black sex.
[00:00:48] He's like, actually the original name of the country was boo.
[00:00:55] And then he just has a full Kramer meltdown?
[00:01:28] I mean, you know, there's a nice little run for podcast.
[00:01:47] I got a little coke-coke for cocoa pints.
[00:01:54] Yeah, I feel like it's getting to be a problem, I feel.
[00:02:03] It's either you or fucking my roommate.
[00:02:16] Oh, yeah, he's scared because his mom used parents
[00:02:22] They said I could turn my life around or I could keep doing a cum podcast.
[00:02:27] And I said, how do they know it was anti-Israel?
[00:02:33] I found out yesterday listening to any of it.
[00:02:36] And they saw a tweet of mine that was a joke about BDS.
[00:02:39] And they thought that that had something to do with comtown.
[00:02:46] See, that stands for bondage sanctions, divestment sanctions.
[00:03:05] I'm like, I'll do BDS to the extent that it's like I don't have a soda stream.
[00:03:10] And, you know, I don't buy hummus that often.
[00:03:18] It's like boycott divestment and sanction.
[00:03:22] Basically, people hate Israel because, you know, they're anti-Semites.
[00:03:26] There's literally nothing anything Israel has ever done in the current society.
[00:03:31] Anyone who ever criticizes Israel is anti-Semite.
[00:03:36] So, if you have a problem with them, you know, murdering children, then, uh, hey, buddy, you
[00:03:45] In the words of some of my favorite, uh, female Facebook comedians.
[00:03:55] Hey, fellas, if you have a problem with Hillary, but you don't with the other candidates, examine
[00:04:05] You know, nothing about anything you're talking about.
[00:04:08] Literally the only reason you like her is because she's a woman.
[00:04:20] Uh, the last couple of times you guys didn't cook has been without me, dude.
[00:04:23] Yeah, well, we're, I mean, it would kill you.
[00:04:30] So that's what you have to do around these parts.
[00:04:33] The last time I did it was at a bachelor party.
[00:04:36] No, I'm telling you, man, I like, I, it's, I've become so in New York.
[00:04:41] I'm wearing actually six Yankees fitteds, right?
[00:04:47] I'm wearing timberlands on my feet and my hands.
[00:04:50] I can't pick anything up because my timbers.
[00:04:52] Yeah, I love the fucking undercover New York cops, like the subway cops.
[00:04:57] Plain closed guys who like, yeah, it's Yankee fitted, gray hoodie, non, like, you know, no logo,
[00:05:03] gray hoodie, jeans, like, blue, husky, husky fit, jeans and tims.
[00:05:08] And it's like, you know, they're trying to blend in, but like, you're at the Bedford stop.
[00:05:13] Like the next guy on the train has got like a mustache that connects to his unicycle.
[00:05:18] So we're going to suspenders attached with diaper.
[00:05:20] You know, and like, you still got like a sore thumb looking like a contractor.
[00:05:25] Like no plaster on him for some reason.
[00:05:28] Or just like a guy in a Nause video from like fucking 92.
[00:05:32] And you know, under their shirt, they're wearing the dog tag style.
[00:05:38] And why that's there's are police and gas.
[00:05:44] That is legitimately how they dressed in that show in New York undercover, which is a good
[00:05:53] No, no, no, no, no, he did Baltimore homicide.
[00:06:02] It was a couple of really good episodes of that show.
[00:06:04] But the really good ones, it was just like, oh, it was just like what the wire would become.
[00:06:09] The Arab episode and the episode where Rob Williams guest stars and his wife is murdered.
[00:06:14] Those are both like really, yeah, this is an episode of Rob Williams.
[00:06:17] It was actually based on something that happened in New York, I think.
[00:06:27] There was a family that was murdered by, you know, upstanding young man that if you know if Obama
[00:06:32] had a question, that's what they were looking at.
[00:06:53] I love that Trump's riding with that still.
[00:06:59] What's the population of black people in the US?
[00:07:01] Because they're 12% of 365 million, 360 million.
[00:07:11] Just refer to them as the central park 80 million.
[00:07:20] Everyone's trying to bring that shit up with Trump.
[00:07:22] That like, yeah, he's like wrong about that situation or whatever.
[00:07:30] I'm defending like people in retrospect outside of like the prosecutor or whatever who were
[00:07:34] like, you know, to the same extent that, you know, everybody gets a pass for being mad
[00:07:39] at the Duke lacrosse team or the UVA people.
[00:07:42] And they're like, well, I guess we got carried away.
[00:07:47] And then, you know, like in retrospect, they want to look at the people that were, you know,
[00:07:51] up in arms about that central park five thing.
[00:07:53] Dude, never, never will they be able to apologize hard enough, you know.
[00:08:01] He still thinks they were out in the, you know, central park assaulting people.
[00:08:08] That's what I'm afraid of is wherever I go, I could get a knockout game.
[00:08:11] Well, back down it was called, it was called wildin.
[00:08:17] Before he was called knockout game, it was called.
[00:08:19] That was like the 90s buzzword for, you know, like black teen violence is wildin.
[00:08:26] And then it was appropriated by Nick Cannon.
[00:08:29] And then he made wilding into improv comedy straight off the top of the dough.
[00:08:34] But it's also that case is like, you know, imagine if the Duke lacrosse, imagine the
[00:08:38] UVA thing happened and she blamed it on that frat and there was all the story and then
[00:08:41] the story fell apart, but then it turned out it was actually a different frat that raped
[00:08:45] People would be like, yeah, that's still a problem.
[00:08:48] Which is essentially like kind of what happened with the central park five thing.
[00:08:54] Well, was it five people or I thought it was just one.
[00:09:01] Well, you know, I mean, yeah, I mean, I don't know.
[00:09:09] Well, the point is Donald Trump is a bad guy.
[00:09:16] I feel like you're boring if you're not trying to defend Donald Trump.
[00:09:23] I mean, I got a vote for him, but yeah, yeah.
[00:09:25] You know, get on Facebook and be like, I just got to say something.
[00:09:32] I see people who are like, just a quick thought.
[00:09:37] Dude, people, someone says something about how like we have to vote for Hillary.
[00:09:44] It's like, dude, everyone feels this way.
[00:09:50] If you don't feel like either candidate represents your views and you know a third party
[00:09:54] candidate sort of a waste, you know, to vote for it's like, just don't vote.
[00:09:59] Well, just yet don't vote for the fucking president.
[00:10:01] How is that democracy if I have to pick somebody that doesn't represent how I feel at all?
[00:10:15] Because that's stuff that affects your life.
[00:10:16] Yeah, but I mean, in New York City, is that really something that I have to like concern
[00:10:22] I'm trying to get a new all-derman in this neighborhood.
[00:10:26] I'm trying to, yeah, like, I'm trying to see what their platforms are, you know, like
[00:10:30] moving big titty bitches into my neighborhood.
[00:10:35] Let's get another fucking, let's get more vape shops in Astoria.
[00:10:43] I don't know how because I'm stupid, but I feel like it's, you should vote.
[00:10:49] I voted in the local election during the primaries and it's like, I have no idea.
[00:10:58] I have no idea who any of this people are.
[00:10:59] I mean, it's, you know, people say, oh, well, you should, you know, you should definitely
[00:11:02] And I feel like the majority of those times, A, those people don't even vote in local elections.
[00:11:06] And B, they can't tell you jack shit about like, yeah.
[00:11:09] Well, then it just turns out that the only people that vote are like shitty old people
[00:11:15] My options were, I swear to God, it was like, jing jao peng.
[00:11:18] Like, working families, you know, like, I do like seven minutes of research in that
[00:11:30] It's like, I just pick whoever's more liberal who has like the nicest kings.
[00:11:35] Just figure out a way to cheat on your taxes.
[00:11:39] I would like to cheat on my taxes, but I don't think I'll be able to have the money.
[00:11:43] Everyone's just like, so she programs is like, I don't want my taxes paying for that.
[00:11:47] And it's like, yeah, they'll just fucking, you know, just increase the national debt
[00:11:51] and just spend the money even if they don't have it.
[00:12:01] Well, my secret is make less than $11,000 a year.
[00:12:08] Uncle Sam, oh, yeah, I got a lot of business expenses such as I need to buy PlayStation
[00:12:14] Research, yeah, yeah, I want to do, I wrote a joke about one PlayStation game.
[00:12:22] Where the fuck are our PlayStation's fill?
[00:12:27] Well, I have to, I am I my brother's keeper.
[00:12:32] So you have to fucking my laundry is ready.
[00:12:35] So you have to take a break and get your laundry?
[00:12:50] Do you want to get your laundry and take a break?
[00:13:07] So what the fuck would you do this Coke party?
[00:13:14] I literally just sat there on my couch.
[00:13:24] You just sit there and you're like, yeah, I guess I feel better, but I know it's like
[00:13:28] and then like 25 minutes, I'm going to feel shitty and depressed.
[00:13:35] You know what cocaine is like, you know those things where you put your like head through
[00:13:38] that hole and then you're the bodybuilder and you get there.
[00:13:41] It's like the emotional version of that where you like put your head through the hole and
[00:13:45] it's like somebody that's happy, you know, social skills and you're like, yeah, this
[00:13:55] I guess I have always kind of enjoyed it.
[00:13:57] I just feel like you just kind of are up you like, cause my problem is I'm fat as hell
[00:14:00] and if I get high, I will almost always fall asleep.
[00:14:04] That was my move at almost every party was just like getting stoned and just passing out
[00:14:09] And then yeah, getting and then having a rating goggles, but I don't know dude, I like that
[00:14:18] I feel like I'm I feel like I'm uh can try and fuck girls more easily.
[00:14:23] I have confidence that I don't have the downside.
[00:14:26] I honestly think the best one is LSD and pot is okay.
[00:14:33] I don't really even like pot anymore to be honest with you.
[00:14:37] No, why is one thing that makes you take acid again?
[00:14:50] I feel like I would like a snap and I wouldn't come back.
[00:14:54] It's a lot more in cause I didn't mushrooms a bunch in college and then afterwards and
[00:15:06] Your whole body sweating cause it's trying to expel this like the stupid poison that
[00:15:10] you just ate and it's like, oh, it's, you know, trippy.
[00:15:15] And I always get to a point in mushrooms where I like, I decided everyone in the universe,
[00:15:21] everyone in my life hates me and then I have to like work my way out of that.
[00:15:25] Yeah, that's the best I ever feel on mushrooms.
[00:15:31] So let's see, I feel like a lot more in control and like giggly and happy like euphoric.
[00:15:38] I'm going to fuck around with a little bit of that shit.
[00:15:48] Well, you know, like micro dosing has become a thing too where you take like one hit of
[00:15:55] at like liquid acid and then you mix it with distilled water and then you can literally
[00:16:02] measure out like what percentage of one hit you take.
[00:16:05] So you take like a fifth of a hit or, you know, an eighth of a hit and you don't feel
[00:16:10] like you're tripping, but you definitely feel like way more attuned to your surroundings
[00:16:24] Really people because Silicon Valley is like becoming like really into Burning Man and
[00:16:30] A bunch of like tech people are like doing it at work and stuff.
[00:16:33] It helps me code if I, if I'm on a little bit of acid.
[00:16:38] What is burning burning man is just a bunch of fucking, it's a bunch of gay fucking idiots
[00:16:45] Dress up like retards and then yeah, burn, you know, burn.
[00:16:53] Do they all fuck like what's the whole, what's the deal?
[00:17:00] But they're walking around topless who's to pussy out like I love how like there's nothing
[00:17:09] Yeah, there's no way the like sex sexual violence rates are low at burning.
[00:17:14] But yeah, all the fucking every like guy that's like I'm actually like a polyamorous sex
[00:17:21] Yeah, I think that's a fucking creep rapist.
[00:17:24] Like our only part of that community because they, you know, are Coosounds.
[00:17:33] I mean, I think that's what it comes down to.
[00:17:35] I was going to do Fields Fest, which is like, I don't just like a festival in Baltimore.
[00:17:39] Oh, the Wayne City guys booked me on to do comedy.
[00:17:41] And they were like, and I just had, I had to get a real gig.
[00:17:45] So I might didn't go, but they were like, oh, yeah, there was a nudity zone.
[00:17:48] And they're like, like saying how awesome it is that people just be free.
[00:17:52] And it was just like, it's like, it was just two girls like armpit here and just like
[00:17:58] That's like, that's, that's who goes like nudity zone.
[00:18:01] It was just like, have you been to a nude beach?
[00:18:09] And then they have like a Prince Albert piercing for some reason.
[00:18:21] You know who has one of Zack Amico as a.
[00:18:28] Is it a bar or is there like a hoop on the side?
[00:18:34] I, cause he pulled his dick out and then had them snap a rat trap on it.
[00:18:42] Yeah, that was like, that's a big payoff.
[00:18:45] He's zero dollars that he's going to take his, uh, they take his dick and placed it on
[00:18:51] And the thing fucking snapped shut on it.
[00:18:54] And then he just like screamed or whatever.
[00:18:56] He was like, you know, ah, and then Lewis is like, thanks for coming out to the show.
[00:19:08] I mean, it takes a lot to be friends with us.
[00:19:21] I think it was, that was the end of the, the naked roast.
[00:19:25] Oh, that's combining two of the most popular movements in comedy right now.
[00:19:33] We got a little roast guy right here in our midst.
[00:19:42] Where he's from Newtown, Connecticut, that's something.
[00:20:12] I bet you it would still hit with 30% of the audience.
[00:20:17] Sandy Gook, one of those Fukushima wash-ups.
[00:20:29] JP McDavid says San For a Japanese person.
[00:20:33] We're roasting this fuckin' fagget right now.
[00:21:01] You think I'm kidding, but I'm serious.
[00:21:07] Yeah, I have like a, last time I checked, I think I've gone as high as...
[00:21:29] You still haven't seen me in a foot race.
[00:21:39] I don't like how gleefully you said fat ass.
[00:21:43] Yeah, but you're not going to sit here and get the brag.
[00:21:46] I'm like joking about being able to jump high and you're like, yeah, actually I'm fast.
[00:22:06] We should have a come town combine to a shuttle run.
[00:22:15] You should do that thing where you, you should add where you put the baseball bat on the ground
[00:22:23] You spin around the baseball bat and then you have to run.
[00:22:30] You want to go to the park and do that?
[00:22:34] On Monday, this is going to probably come out before that, right?
[00:22:44] And then me and Stav are going to take a little trip down to Baltimore to see somebody
[00:22:53] We were like, what were they talking about?
[00:22:57] Yeah, the next episode is like you guys are calling through prison.
[00:23:07] Yeah, but like we're rapping like Gucci men.
[00:23:12] I'll be like, well, what are the charges?
[00:23:19] And we didn't have that much fucking change for a tip.
[00:23:23] And Adam just goes like, you know, you don't have the tip.
[00:23:28] You know, in Europe, they don't tip at all.
[00:23:31] And personally, I think the Europeans are more enlightened.
[00:23:34] I think it's more of a continental thing.
[00:23:40] Well, yeah, I mean, it's not tip planning.
[00:23:44] We were trying to pick a place to eat breakfast one time.
[00:23:47] We were all sitting on the porch and I'm like, how about Mamamis or whatever.
[00:23:52] And he's like, yeah, how about like, you know, Red River?
[00:23:54] It's like Dickey at the Red River Cafe.
[00:23:57] And then Seth goes, oh, how about Blackstock co-op?
[00:24:00] It's employee-owned, so you don't have to tip.
[00:24:04] And we all like looked at each other for a half of each.
[00:24:06] And then just burst out laughing in his face.
[00:24:11] I don't want to eat breakfast with you anyways.
[00:24:20] It's employee-owned, so you don't have to tip.
[00:24:26] I mean, they tell you like you don't have to tip.
[00:24:31] And they pay a living wage, so they're like, don't tip.
[00:24:37] Yeah, Alan Delansi right across my old spot.
[00:24:41] We should go to night before your wrist.
[00:24:57] The thing is, I don't even give a shit if I fucking win.
[00:25:18] I've been doing comedy long enough to fucking...
[00:25:25] I'm not fucking going on stage to look like a fucking Sears model.
[00:25:31] Everybody talks about finding your voice on stage.
[00:25:41] I don't have to address some dumb ass nerd just to appease, you know, bookers for some
[00:25:47] Your dirty ass skinny jeans would not appease anyone, dude.
[00:25:51] You'd still wear your dumb Martha's Vineyard shirt.
[00:25:54] You could still look stupid and not wear shorts, as my argument would be.
[00:26:04] Well, comics, you know, in the 50s and 60s, you swear suits.
[00:26:07] And I always wear suits when I'm on stage.
[00:26:09] The 80s, they wore sort of like a sports jacket.
[00:26:16] And then, you know, 2000s, you know, black T-shirt.
[00:26:24] It's the evolved, pretty soon comics are going to be naked on stage.
[00:26:33] I mean, that's, you know, like, imagine, like telling some dumb bitch, you can't wear a
[00:26:39] And she'll be like, oh, you can't wear a short skirt.
[00:26:41] That'd be like, I was raped the other night that comedy store.
[00:26:47] They rapely told me that I had to put on long pants or whatever.
[00:26:52] So in a way, it's sort of, it's rapist to tell me that I can't wear shorts.
[00:27:08] That's what intersectionality is about.
[00:27:13] I love you using all those words and just not even looking into what they mean.
[00:27:17] I've heard it as dog whistle whenever people say I'm like, wow, you know, that's classic
[00:27:26] Yeah, gaslighting, I know what that means, but it is funny to misuse because now I know
[00:27:32] Gaslighting at this point basically means disagreeing with a woman on something.
[00:27:36] Oh, you disagree with the woman, you're mansplaining a gaslighting.
[00:27:41] When you first disagree with her and then when you use like facts and logic to prove
[00:27:46] No, I thought it's the other way around.
[00:27:48] Because the facts and the logic is the splaining.
[00:27:51] No, the explaining is when a woman is like literally every man is a rapist and you're
[00:27:57] And she's like, well, it looks like we got a mansplainer here.
[00:28:00] And they're like, yeah, no, here's the evidence that not every man is a rapist.
[00:28:05] And they're like, you're gaslighting me.
[00:28:09] Like, no, you made a declarative statement about, you know, yeah, love gaslighting.
[00:28:18] It seems like a gaslight seems like a fucking warning sign when your gas is low in your
[00:28:26] Oh, I thought it's like the pilot light on your stove or that.
[00:28:30] It's a reference to the movie gaslight.
[00:28:34] It's a movie about like a man that mansplains to a woman.
[00:28:37] It's a guy that's like, you know, psychologically abuses a woman by like, you know, reconstructing,
[00:28:44] You know, like in like a North by Northwest way or like, what was that Korean movie where
[00:28:49] they make you fuck your daughter or whatever?
[00:29:05] We could take a break and I could change my life.
[00:29:15] I got a juice because my stomach was fucked up and that juice was, I mean, you know, I
[00:29:19] say it's dog shit as hyperbole, but I think it was literally dog shit.
[00:29:24] You could take a picture and put it up for the premium listeners.
[00:29:29] Take a picture of this juice that I referenced on this episode and make that so only the
[00:29:37] You're going to want this visual folks.
[00:29:45] Well, that's why you're not in charge of the Patreon.
[00:29:54] I'm going to go to a bank card which was stolen.
[00:30:01] What bank do you have some bullshit with?
[00:30:06] That's the dumbest fucking bank you could have.
[00:30:10] I go with the big boys, maybe the people who are fucking people up.
[00:30:12] I mean, I like them out of the way because they're basically like a credit union, you
[00:30:16] know, but I would much rather just be with a credit union.
[00:30:27] And entertainers credit union and then I can just, you know, live off their money.
[00:30:38] You'd really be doing something for the community.
[00:30:41] And you should take a picture of that cup.
[00:30:50] Well, we're going to take a break on this very casual Sunday afternoon.
[00:30:53] You're listening to fresh air on NPR on WNIG.
[00:31:08] I am Kagano Aku, or Kaganoshi, depending on the site.
[00:31:16] And this is how to survive a zombie apocalypse or a regular apocalypse series.
[00:31:23] It'll be a seven part series with the possibility of a zombie apocalypse.
[00:31:29] We have a little additional sequences that refer to specific situations, items, whatever.
[00:31:39] The first thing you've got to keep in mind is your location.
[00:31:43] Or are you pretty much in a shack or something like that?
[00:31:48] You also need to keep in mind what are the types of zombies?
[00:31:52] I mean, as you've probably seen from various video games and movies, they can vary wildly.
[00:32:05] What's the rate of a zombie extinction?
[00:32:08] If there are not very durable zombies, if they're the slow moving type, and I think
[00:32:14] need to eat regularly to keep going, which is highly unlikely, but never thought it's
[00:32:24] If it's through bite, you can be pretty much rest assured that you won't get infected unless
[00:32:35] The resources, you need to keep in mind the resources.
[00:32:40] Your food stores, weapons, tools, and transportation amongst other little things.
[00:32:47] What are, what is your manpower or person powers would be?
[00:32:53] In your varying skill sets, you also need to keep in mind if anybody has special needs,
[00:33:01] They're paraplegic or they're fun, quadriplegic, in which case, not very good chance.
[00:33:10] Where can you go and what do you have access to?
[00:33:14] So this would be a geographical thing, as well as a government thing.
[00:33:21] If the government is, in fact, still intact, you're probably going to be restricted to
[00:33:27] There's, as I said, geographical barriers to worry about, like share cliffs, ocean,
[00:33:37] And also, lastly, you can't rule out specialized techs as zombies.
[00:33:43] Again, in movies and games, it's not really a precedent.
[00:33:48] You are, after all, in a zombie apocalypse.
[00:33:51] So you can't really rule out the valid things, because you're already in a wild thing, or
[00:34:01] I can't really think of anything else to say.
[00:34:04] So just wait for the next part, part two.
[00:34:12] I have no idea what I'm going to do there.
[00:34:15] I have to work tonight, so it's not going to be tonight.
[00:34:50] The Hit List, episode, I think, four of Miami Vice.
[00:34:56] What I like about Miami Vice is if you watch it now, it's a show where half of it is guys
[00:35:02] that look like Adam's friend Phil just wasting people with Mac tents.
[00:35:07] Like guys like Phil, guys who look like Phil.
[00:35:16] Now he's the guy that just owes people PlayStation.
[00:35:20] If you're joining us, this is Fresh Air on NPR.
[00:35:30] I'm going to get a lot of mileage out of that joke.
[00:35:35] And guys, the premium episode this week was really good according to one guy so far.
[00:35:40] So I don't feel as bad about how this one is going.
[00:35:45] So if you don't mind, I'll tell you what guys, this is going to sound like a plug and it's
[00:35:52] I purchased an iPad Air yesterday and I love this thing.
[00:35:56] I was going to Periscope the second half of the podcast but Periscope isn't, it's not
[00:36:05] I'm using the Kindle app to, I'll be reading a book while we do the second half of the
[00:36:18] It's actually, it's pretty well written.
[00:36:21] It came with it so that's the only one I have.
[00:36:24] Yeah, that's the only book you'll need.
[00:36:39] Well, it's such a funny racial star because I still not even exactly sure who it refers
[00:36:49] Did you just make yourself a bucket of coffee?
[00:36:57] Yeah, we're at the satellite Anthony Cumi Studios.
[00:37:03] This is where all the other Jews have to stay.
[00:37:07] The gas digital family or whatever it is.
[00:37:16] Nick, you were saying earlier that you saw a really good movie with, actually we have
[00:37:23] a clip of Charlton Heston playing Genghis Khan.
[00:37:29] I actually don't know what movie that is.
[00:37:32] I don't know the movie either, but we were talking about how shitty of an actor Charlton
[00:37:43] But he's a guy that's rugged looking, I guess.
[00:38:06] That was considered good acting at a certain point.
[00:38:13] But yeah, I guess he plays Genghis Khan in some movie, which I have seen.
[00:38:29] Try these chopsticks from my cold, dead hands.
[00:39:17] That's my dad's favorite movie as a youth.
[00:39:22] I haven't seen Planet of the Apes in a long time.
[00:39:25] He might be better in Planet of the Apes, but he sucks dick and Ben hurt.
[00:39:28] He sucks dick and he's really so, yeah, he's like, you know, every scene is just that
[00:39:33] Ben hurt is a slave revolt or is that Spartacus?
[00:39:39] Ben hurt is about, you know, like Judah Ben hurt is like a, like a Jewish, wealthy guy,
[00:39:49] And his like boyhood friend, Missala goes to Rome and becomes like a fucking a tribute.
[00:39:56] He becomes a tribute and then, you know, comes back to Judea and they meet up and he's like,
[00:40:00] yeah, so, you know, Rome's going to take over your whole town and he's like, you know,
[00:40:05] he's like, people aren't going to like that and then they have like a falling out over
[00:40:07] it and basically a tile slips off of Judah Benher's house when the new governor of Judea
[00:40:15] And it's like spooks the governor's horse and the governor falls off the horse.
[00:40:24] I don't think Judah Benher was an actual biblical figure.
[00:40:27] I think it was a fictional story created.
[00:40:30] Well, that's not in the Bible, the Jewish Bible.
[00:40:33] The horse gets booted, it fucks the guy in the ass.
[00:40:40] The governor falls off the horse and then the masala like blames, you know, Benher for
[00:40:44] it and then he puts him he like, you know, sends his whole family to prison and then
[00:40:49] he gets put on the, uh, on the boats like they turn you into a slave, whatever and then
[00:40:55] he ends up saving the captain of the galley or whatever and then he goes to Rome and then
[00:41:01] the captain of the galley adopts him and then he becomes like a Roman citizen and then he
[00:41:05] has his revenge on, on masala and the chariot races.
[00:41:14] We're like, you put your weaker horse in the middle.
[00:41:26] Wasn't there a fucking Benher like literally two weeks ago with those like with more
[00:41:34] So I was trying to just download Blu-ray ribs a shit shot in like ultra Panavision or
[00:41:39] That's when movies were wide screen as fuck and long as fuck like 3.5 hours.
[00:41:44] Like 2.75 to one aspect ratio and they were shot all like, you know, 65, 70 millimeter.
[00:41:54] I mean, they're really making movies like all the sets are real shit.
[00:42:02] No, the closest thing to a woman's body you could get is Charlton Hassel.
[00:42:10] He's like, yeah, disgusting legs and his body.
[00:42:17] And then it's him in like sandals the whole time.
[00:42:19] So it's accentuating how feminine he looks.
[00:42:22] You can't be like a fucking like a skinny guy.
[00:42:24] He's wearing this Roman clothes and not look like a fucking.
[00:42:29] Was he the famous tough guy because he had like a, you know, like sonorous, you know,
[00:42:34] sort of raspy voice from chain smoking.
[00:42:36] But all those guys were, you know, tough guys, you know, John Wayne.
[00:42:42] John Wayne was a football player from university in Southern California.
[00:42:49] Yeah, Paul Newman was like considered a tough guy.
[00:42:55] Paul Newman was considered a tough guy.
[00:42:56] I think it was like a twink, like a cute twink.
[00:42:59] No, no, no, like in Bush Cassidy, he's the tough guy and then Robert Redford's the cute,
[00:43:22] I love those old movies with like Jimmy Kagnie movies where he could just shoot like 50 bullets
[00:43:33] Everything's just shot in the same room really clearly.
[00:43:35] Have you seen the James Kagnie Scarface before?
[00:43:43] There's so many like older movies that are good that I just can't sit through.
[00:43:48] But there's plenty that are good that I like enjoy a lot.
[00:44:01] The main character seems pretty fun in that one.
[00:44:16] From what you described and he seems pretty cool.
[00:44:20] The parrot was just like a loud Jew parent.
[00:44:26] Hey, you're lagging your fucking piece of shit.
[00:44:29] Get down and get that fucking lamp, you fucking idiot.
[00:44:43] It is funny how like how did Gilbert Godfrey get that role?
[00:44:54] The weirdest casting in any kind of children's thing was on the Thomas and Friends TV show.
[00:45:00] Mr. Conductor was played I think first by Ringo Starr.
[00:45:04] Oh shit, I know you're talking about it.
[00:45:10] That's how I first knew who George Carlin was.
[00:45:12] You guys are introduction to George Carlin as a kid is as Mr. Conductor.
[00:45:15] And he's like, Thomas is going down to the station to get a new fucking coat of paint.
[00:45:22] Are you going to be on fucking time today?
[00:45:30] Yeah, but Bob Saget I feel, you know, Bob Saget was painted as this super dirty guy during
[00:45:36] And I feel like that was like, you know, he may have been working dirty on stage, but
[00:45:40] I don't, I don't, I've never been able to get a solid answer for anybody as to whether
[00:45:44] Bob Saget was actually was blue prior to.
[00:45:49] I think he was just a comic and then he got full house and he's like, everyone's just
[00:45:52] doing some fucking idiot, you know, for being a this gay TV.
[00:45:56] And so then he had to go on stage and be like, yeah, I fucked Michelle.
[00:46:14] Yeah, I think it's just a gimmick that he started doing to just like shock people because
[00:46:20] I think he might even have been no joke, a guitar comic.
[00:46:26] I think I remember something about Norm McDonald's podcast and talking about seeing him and
[00:46:28] thinking he was good and also saying that he had a guitar, but I might just be making
[00:46:37] Is it, you know, I was like thinking about Americans funny.
[00:46:40] Some videos is like how much of TV was just YouTube?
[00:46:49] I mean, I just watched the shit out of maximum exposure.
[00:46:51] It's like a boat in a boat race crashes into a family and kills all of them.
[00:46:59] And then I like control panel with the camera from the side of the screen, like slow it
[00:47:07] You know, no, because they're actually like doing their own shit.
[00:47:10] I mean, these were shows that were literally like taking content.
[00:47:16] Uh, uh, uh, fucking jet fighter show in Russia.
[00:47:21] But one of the mix crashes into the audience and kills a family.
[00:47:27] You remember the Guinness World Records TV show?
[00:47:33] Guinness does the doneness things with, uh, who is it?
[00:47:36] Well, there was that and then there was Ripley's Believe It or not.
[00:47:38] Oh, I'm thinking Ripley's Believe It or not.
[00:47:44] Uh, uh, beyond belief with Jonathan Frakes.
[00:47:49] It was like the Twilight Zone, but it was basically, they, they have like a little like,
[00:47:53] you know, I guess vignette or story or whatever.
[00:47:56] And then you have to guess whether it happened or not.
[00:47:58] I don't mean that Jonathan Frakes would be like, you know, a mysterious story.
[00:48:13] It was insane because they rebooted the Twilight Zone too.
[00:48:32] If you hear anybody else say that shit, you let me know.
[00:48:38] I want to start being mad about copying as an adult.
[00:48:39] Well, that's what joke thief swagger jacking.
[00:48:42] Well, like, I remember I was in fourth grade and my friend got the men in black sound
[00:48:44] track and then I got the men in black sound track and he like stopped speaking to me.
[00:48:48] He's like, you fucking copied me, dude.
[00:48:52] I just kind of like the songs I want to hear everybody else alone.
[00:49:01] Everyone knows me as the guy that's really into the men in black sound track.
[00:49:07] It was like Nas and the men in black song.
[00:49:23] I mean, I don't have to let it be hilarious.
[00:49:40] Rob Zombie sucks so many fucking dicks.
[00:49:41] It's so crazy that his music was so popular when it's always like, yeah, a really cool
[00:49:51] I guess that's a pretty cool song, Rob Zombie.
[00:49:56] Imagine listening to that and being like, oh, that's scary.
[00:50:06] My aunt did the costumes for the house of 10,000 corpses.
[00:50:12] No, she's like friends with them, I guess.
[00:50:18] Just admit that your aunt got boned out by the fucking job, man.
[00:50:29] The fucking mom had sex with Rob Zombie.
[00:50:33] Dude, yeah, your aunt called your mom and they fucked her together the same time.
[00:50:37] Yeah, that's why they call your mom Slob Knob Zombie.
[00:50:39] She's down there blowing the whole fucking band.
[00:50:44] Rob Zombie, Blair Zombie, Glenn Frost Zombie, Glenn Frost Zombie, Glenn Frost.
[00:51:01] I had the fucking Space Jam soundtrack.
[00:51:09] That was right around the time when he was hanging out and parking lots of local middle
[00:51:13] school and high schools, waiting for girls to get out of school, even though he was a
[00:51:30] I mean, I watched it a billion times as a kid.
[00:51:38] Like, oh no, they stole all the skills, bugs.
[00:51:47] He was also a terrible person, but it wasn't like during the era, like pre-social media
[00:51:52] where Nike and NBA can sort of insulate him from like, from the general public.
[00:51:59] We like, that's so we couldn't find out that he was actually a asshole.
[00:52:03] Like a game seven and he just gambled it like a trunk all night and he was like, oh, for
[00:52:08] six in the first quarter and then he scored like 40 points, something crazy.
[00:52:17] There's a rumor about baseball about that he went to go play baseball because the gambling
[00:52:28] If the biggest athlete of all time was like in trouble with the mob, that would be a good
[00:52:34] You know, the mob rigged, uh, but 19, 19 World Series.
[00:52:42] My dog wants to be on the podcast right now.
[00:52:53] I said that, that like, isn't she so cute shit doesn't work on us.
[00:53:10] Now, when are we going to talk about my fucking macaw?
[00:53:19] Now, I'm trying to train his did not say the N word.
[00:53:23] I'm saying I'd be like, oh, he came like that.
[00:53:34] Dude, if we had birds, you know, fucked with me.
[00:53:38] Me and my friend Brendan used to go to Petco where they had a parrot and we would just sit
[00:53:46] The bird is obviously not reacting because people probably do that all day.
[00:53:49] And then they would be like, excuse me.
[00:54:01] I dated a girl that had like a Senegalese parrot.
[00:54:17] So, you know, all I would say is like, you know, I'm the captain now and look at me.
[00:54:25] Those are some all-y and some of the...
[00:54:34] The birds all come from the Horn of Africa.
[00:54:35] So, it can be a Senegalese parrot, but it's not like the birds recognize nationality.
[00:54:48] That's why walruses can suck their own dick is because they live in international waters.
[00:54:57] That's why I go have sex with men on my boat.
[00:55:01] I take floaties and I go out into the water and I fuck on a boogie board.
[00:55:06] I get fucked in the ass in a boogie board.
[00:55:08] It's legal to auto-folate unlike in the United States.
[00:55:12] You'd be fucked if they caught you sucking your own dick.
[00:55:14] Yeah, but that fucking little parrot, I guess, like, the parrot loved her because, you know,
[00:55:19] And then she went on vacation to the beach for two weeks and didn't bring the parrot and
[00:55:22] she came back and the parrot was like, how dare you?
[00:55:29] So she just had this parrot in her living room that just sat under a tarp.
[00:55:34] It was an occasion in the tarp and they'd put food in there for it and be like, okay, good
[00:55:39] And they would put the blanket over him.
[00:55:41] He just had a hole he would look out all day and he hated people.
[00:55:50] He just did it in solitary confinement.
[00:55:53] He was fury held a grudge for the rest of his life.
[00:55:58] They also had this oldest shit Maltese with like no teeth, you know?
[00:56:01] And the Maltese had to stay in a cage all day long.
[00:56:04] And so they, you know, they would say to the dog, like, jewel up, you want to go outside?
[00:56:10] You know, and then she'd be like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, you know, and she'd go to the
[00:56:13] letter of the cage and take her outside.
[00:56:15] And so when the parrot was feeling spiteful, you would just hear the parrot go like, jewel up,
[00:56:20] And then the dog would start barking and she'd be like, what are you doing?
[00:56:22] And she'd be like, jewel up, you want to go outside?
[00:56:37] That's pretty much all I remember him saying.
[00:56:41] You know, he would like to do that kind of shit.
[00:56:52] Yeah, they, uh, I think they just gave him to a Mexican woman, who I'm pretty sure prepared
[00:57:13] I was in a Mexican restaurant over the weekend and they, it literally said L menu on the fucking
[00:57:34] Oh, so I can read, uh, you know, high level trade agreements documents.
[00:57:41] Uh, that's, I mean, that's where, where we're talking about that parrot.
[00:57:49] Just fucking was mean to me about my dog.
[00:58:09] You who's the better owner of that dog, the guy that was like making it fight.
[00:58:14] I mean, you want to talk about, you know, giving the dog something to live for.
[00:58:18] I mean, a dog can just sit in a fucking apartment all day.
[00:58:24] Yeah, she does flip out whenever she's around another fucking dog.
[00:58:29] You got to fucking, you got to put her down, dude.
[00:58:31] She has distended nipples from having puppies.
[00:59:01] Yeah, it looks like I heard she's mini-kissed.
[00:59:15] But you also have no, no, nothing taken away from it.
[00:59:22] This is like, and Stav said that everyone has like seven inches of fat in a crotch.
[00:59:38] Girls get bigger titties the fatter they get.
[00:59:45] That's fucking, now you want to talk about gender equality.
[00:59:50] You know what's the funniest shit that happens to fat people is when they can't wipe their
[00:59:54] They just have to like, have, it's like a conveyor belt of shit from their anus which is like
[01:00:00] 17 and a half inches from the actual exit of their ass.
[01:00:07] They take a shit but they're actually, you know it's like how when you see a star you're
[01:00:11] actually seeing it from like, for years.
[01:00:18] That's how like the turds coming out of a fat person's ass or where they may be shitting
[01:00:23] They're actually shitting a shit from several years.
[01:00:25] It's like a, it's like a three sieges situation where they all try to walk through the doorway
[01:00:32] So that's, you know, I sit down and it's like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
[01:00:36] boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
[01:01:01] Let's all talk about people's wives who are helping us.
[01:01:10] I would never fuck a wife, not even my own.
[01:01:18] Well, it's maybe because we're sitting at a table.
[01:01:20] Yeah, those atoms I do to sit at a table.
[01:01:26] I mean, personally, I still feel like it was Adam's.
[01:01:54] If you're trans changing him to Sativa.
[01:02:12] The one time I did that sketch with Sarah where I were awake and lipstick.
[01:02:21] I left the lipstick on for like the next couple hours around the apartment.
[01:02:26] It's Charles for a million dollar extreme.
[01:02:30] They haven't been dragging that like a wall game show.
[01:02:34] Yeah, he's like a very beautiful woman.
[01:02:35] That needs to come back for it to comedy.
[01:02:38] That used to be like a staple of comedy.
[01:02:41] Like Monty Python was like half kids in the hall was all drag.
[01:02:44] Well, I mean, I'm telling you the best comedy and it took a long time to get here.
[01:02:47] But it's someone that's been doing open mics for seven months.
[01:03:01] And then you have to put it together yourself.
[01:03:03] You have to put the joke together yourself.
[01:03:06] That's the thing is that it's like Ikea.
[01:03:07] They give you all the parts and then they give you instructions that don't have any
[01:03:15] And then you have to figure out how you know what I'm glad that we're comedy's gotten to
[01:03:18] a point now where we all just really understand that puns are funny.
[01:03:25] That's my favorite comedy is puns and good points.
[01:03:28] Just really good salient political points.
[01:03:30] Yeah, for years, everyone thought puns were cheap shitty comedy for, you know, yeah.
[01:03:38] No, it's actually like just really like good comedy.
[01:03:47] We have physically abused people on this podcast.
[01:03:51] If you think about coming on here and you know, getting wild, you don't want to win.
[01:03:57] I'll tell you, I'll tell you, boy, that should as well.
[01:04:01] You're going to fucking physically abuse.
[01:04:06] We say mean things, but we don't do like like actual like mean things like physically mean
[01:04:15] That's the thing about me is a lot of people think I'm a bad guy because I, you know, say
[01:04:18] racist stuff and I, you know, do mean things, you know, I like say mean things to people.
[01:04:23] But you know, the truth is, is I don't physically assault anyone.
[01:04:31] If you think about it, it's like just where it is.
[01:04:37] I mean, I do legitimately feel that way, but it's not like I'm going to punch anybody
[01:04:43] Nick is actually involved with big, big brothers, big sisters of New York.
[01:04:48] Well, mostly big sisters, big titties separate organization that I found.
[01:04:59] We got a, a bitch with huge tits is going to give that bitch some big old titties.
[01:05:04] Oh, so it's an organization where it's already a twerf.
[01:05:07] Women with big titties give small children big titties.
[01:05:11] Oh, I thought it was like women with big titties like breastfeed orphans that like don't have
[01:05:21] I'm going to just shoot one of those dove real beauty videos.
[01:05:24] We brought in regular women and a police sketch artist to show them what they would look like
[01:05:30] And so like the guys drawing them, then he's drawing huge tits on them and the woman's
[01:05:38] So dove, dove believes you can have huge breasts if you just believe.
[01:06:22] Please, his voice is just deathbed voice.
[01:06:29] He's like fucking holding his lips tight against his gums.
[01:06:33] He's a fucking very awkward, shitty, weird looking guy.
[01:06:43] And the 50s, a lot of guys went to New York because you could work in television and
[01:06:48] And then it would make the jump over to Hollywood to do pictures.
[01:06:55] And then after that, they, you're ready for the center stage.
[01:06:59] And then you go into a limousine with a...
[01:07:02] The golden era of Hollywood, that shit was weird because you were basically the studio
[01:07:08] And then you were on a studio contract.
[01:07:09] You had to make like 10 movies with it.
[01:07:12] And you had to just work for the studio.
[01:07:14] You know, so you know, if they wanted you for films, then you're good.
[01:07:17] If they didn't like want to put you in anything, you were fucked.
[01:07:31] I was supposed to be the new Ghostbusters.
[01:07:40] Well, we got auditions for the new Ocean's 11 reboot.
[01:07:45] Nothing's happened about that, has it, boys?
[01:07:48] I haven't heard back, but they said they really liked my audition.
[01:07:54] In the new one, they all hold down Julia Roberts and fuck.
[01:08:13] We got a nuclear physicist, a guy that's good at winking at people.
[01:08:17] The Chinese guy that's knows how to hide.
[01:08:28] It's like the first time Danny Ocean sees Julia Roberts and the Ocean's 11.
[01:08:32] She's like walking down that staircase and it's like...
[01:08:38] It's beautiful, but like she looks like a fucking...
[01:08:42] Yeah, there's definitely hotter women in that.
[01:08:49] The battery might die on the recorder in a minute, so...
[01:08:55] Well, this was another one of our bad episodes, everyone.
[01:08:59] The premium episode was good this week.
[01:09:37] You saved the whole episode right there.
[01:09:43] Yeah, I thought we talked about that for him.
[01:09:55] How many pretzels would you like, little boy?
[01:10:27] My friend just broke up with his girlfriend
[01:10:30] I feel like you must really hate someone
[01:10:42] Sorry, I shouldn't have said that on the podcast, but...
[01:10:45] Also be on Red Eye A Bunch coming up in the next couple of months.
[01:10:49] So if you guys like hearing some, you know, these...
[01:10:55] Find out by watching me appear on Fox News as they welcome, you know,
[01:11:02] all the garbage shit that I say because you know what?
[01:11:09] Also, if you're in Providence, I'm going to be there this weekend.
[01:11:11] If you want to come hang out and suck me off.
[01:11:15] You don't have been lying to you guys, right?
[01:11:18] There's only like four people listening to me.
[01:11:23] You're doing this just to hang out with us?
[01:11:27] This is the first time anyone's talking about me.
[01:11:29] It's like the exit through the gift shop guy
[01:11:34] I'm just pretending to have a successful podcast.
[01:11:43] I'm going to keep doing this podcast with zero listeners.
[01:11:48] We've got a couple of Harley-Davidons outside.
[01:11:51] Shout out to any of the motorcycle listeners out there.
[01:11:56] Shout out to the guy that offered me that free impact wrench that I turned out.
[01:12:04] Wait, was it you, Nick, who's telling me that Hell's Angels love eating pussy?
[01:12:13] That's like a big part of biker culture is pussy eating.
[01:12:19] Well, I mean, there's other stuff you have to...
[01:12:24] Well, you have to get your motorcycle eating.
[01:12:25] You're about to get your motorcycle eating.
[01:12:32] There's schools that teach you how to ride in like two hours, right?
[01:12:34] Yeah, and then they refund you the money or some shit.
[01:12:36] If you like successfully complete it, they basically...
[01:12:40] You know, they'll teach you how to ride a motorcycle for free.
[01:12:47] I wish I could do an Adam Curl impression.
[01:12:50] I would just do the next hour of him talking about how he used to ride a motorcycle when
[01:12:59] Yeah, I used to have a motorcycle and it was great.
[01:13:06] If when I'm listening to him a lot, I can...
[01:13:10] That's kind of a ho-hum end to the thing.