Cum Town | Regular | 10/28/2020
[00:00:00] Check, you gotta wait a second after you hit record and then you hit play.
[00:00:07] You wait until record turns red and then you hit play.
[00:00:19] You are listening to the Mediterranean podcast.
[00:00:22] You are listening to the worst part of the World Podcast.
[00:00:30] This is a podcast produced by the cultures that only had seas.
[00:00:36] They were not exposed to the beautiful...
[00:00:39] The life-giving Atlantic, the ocean that created culture.
[00:00:46] And it's a inverse component, the Pacific, which creates culture, but it's sort of a mirror
[00:01:14] Unless we get some absurd amount of money.
[00:01:18] And then I will buy a giant garage in Gawanas and use it to make one like a killdozer like
[00:01:28] that guy and then go to war with the state.
[00:01:32] This is the show that never ends until we have a reasonable amount of money to fund a war
[00:01:40] I would love to take up arms against the government.
[00:01:45] What would the first target of your war be?
[00:01:48] What's the most unjust part of the federal government to you?
[00:01:53] Really, she's not even part of the government, but...
[00:01:56] This is our last episode before the election.
[00:02:02] We got the weekends episode, but we already recorded that.
[00:02:06] This is the last one before the election.
[00:02:09] And come down officially endorses Michael Buble.
[00:02:24] There's a couple of things that kind of swung me in the Biden direction recently.
[00:02:36] Two, Donald Trump is trying to defund Amtrak.
[00:02:47] He completely defunded the post office and replaced the post office with Amtrak.
[00:02:51] Imagine a train bringing mail to everyone's house.
[00:02:55] Because it lay down tracks on the sidewalk everywhere, every single street.
[00:02:59] They're thinking like, frozen that dangerous...
[00:03:01] What about kids playing out on the street?
[00:03:10] You're telling me those kids won't be excited when the mail train comes?
[00:03:13] Amtrak has its problems, but if anything, it needs even more money.
[00:03:18] And what we need to do is any governor or state or local level government that gets an Amtrak's
[00:03:26] way, immediately everyone in that executive office is executed.
[00:03:33] You get tied up and thrown on the tracks like a silent movie.
[00:03:36] Larry Hogan wants to complain about baglev trains.
[00:03:41] We're having the highest fat little fucking neck post.
[00:03:43] We're putting his old watermelon head in a hippo's mouth.
[00:03:48] We're going to be like, hey Larry, guess what?
[00:03:53] Nice job sounding like a cartoon pig that sells sausages at a gas station.
[00:03:59] You know how he's voting for president?
[00:04:14] You think that he fat Larry Hogan can be president?
[00:04:19] But that's, it's the fatal flaw of not understanding that the rest of the country hates Maryland.
[00:04:25] They either don't know about Maryland or not.
[00:04:29] Maryland is the worst state, it produces the shittiest people.
[00:04:40] Look, stops from Greece and I'm from the internet.
[00:04:57] Because you go to North Maryland, they're fucking brutal.
[00:05:00] You're like fucking, you know, DC suburbs.
[00:05:07] The whole state is, the whole state is, is, is, is, is shooting.
[00:05:13] It's fine because it's like, what, that's what we have.
[00:05:20] The thing is, the thing is, the thing is, the thing is, the thing is, the guy is cool.
[00:05:22] The state's like, the state's liberal in most part.
[00:05:31] But there's none of the fun aspects of being a liberal.
[00:05:35] We're like California where they're like, let's, like all smoke weed.
[00:05:41] It's like, let's be liberal, but then also be uptight fucking assholes.
[00:05:51] But that's not, it's not like, it's not like, it's not like, it's not like, it's the crack.
[00:06:01] I have, well, I will say, unfortunately, Greektown, they seem to be, to be no pun intended, cracking
[00:06:08] And there's, it's, it seems harder to get crack in my neighborhood than it was when I was
[00:06:12] I was told that the drugs are bad right now because of the COVID they shut down borders
[00:06:19] Either way, if you want to get crack, you can check it out at com.town.
[00:06:22] You can also go to, you know, I'm now selling crack.
[00:06:28] You can also go to patreon.com slash com.
[00:06:34] I'm buying, I'm selling like a CBD style crack.
[00:06:38] Have a bit of messages I get of like people that want to be on the show, but they want to
[00:06:42] be on the show in the way that people used to be on like, Opie and Anthony where it's
[00:06:47] You can slip me drugs and staple my balls to like, it's like, I don't want to do it.
[00:06:52] You let, I'll put my retarder brother on.
[00:06:59] Like I'm just dying dude, like conduct medieval torture on somebody.
[00:07:05] You can come in and put a pyramid into my anus.
[00:07:08] You can slowly, slowly spread my anus open using chains in a chair with a pyramid in
[00:07:26] His name cereals, well they beat off on, yeah, they whack your body with, I think like
[00:07:32] socks with padlocks in it or something.
[00:07:36] What's motherfucker just want to be in the skull and bone so bad?
[00:07:40] You'll never be as, you'll never have much sauces.
[00:07:45] The guys in the skull and bones aren't even in the skull and bones.
[00:07:56] But you can be, you can be the dead poet society that you are not going to be the fucking
[00:08:06] Welcome to the Bart Simpson club of being the guy from the Rage Against the Machine
[00:08:14] The guy who set himself on fire for Rage Against the Machine.
[00:08:26] That guy was a real ass dude the week for sure.
[00:08:32] I like that song because I can relate to that because I said that to my mom.
[00:08:35] I wonder if anybody else, when I feel like I listen to that and I feel like he's speaking
[00:08:40] It's like he took the words out of my mouth, dude.
[00:08:45] I've never like expressed heard it expressed thought that.
[00:08:48] So succinctly such precise and and prosodic.
[00:09:00] The government the government is fucking gay.
[00:09:04] The bank has sucked my mother fucking dick and the government can just eat my fucking
[00:09:08] ass and I will shit into the bank's mouth.
[00:09:27] It's called fucking debit accounts with a fee.
[00:09:41] I remember I was because I used to love raging in this machine.
[00:09:44] It was a huge raging in this machine fan and then Chris Cornell's vocals are too fucking
[00:09:49] When Renegades of Fun came out and it was just an album of covers.
[00:09:52] It was like what the just why did you even release this?
[00:09:58] And then they broke up immediately after.
[00:10:06] It's sort of a slap in the face to rage against the machine.
[00:10:14] We got most of the guys from Rage Against the Machine and Chris Cornell and we're starting
[00:10:21] And that's that's mainly why why Rage Against Machine broke up because we pitched the idea
[00:10:30] And he was like he's like I've spent my entire life trying to free black people through skate
[00:10:41] You have no idea that I've perfected an idea of black liberation via sketches commercials.
[00:10:47] And you're destroying it by teaming up with Chris Cornell and forming a band called Audio
[00:10:54] It is weird but I will say some bangers on there.
[00:11:25] I can't remember what I was doing some podcast and they had fucking that I stand alone song.
[00:11:33] Like either his intro music or something had the blue.
[00:11:50] Just getting pumped together to go to a custody trial.
[00:11:55] I miss I miss Lewis but it's like I don't want to do any more podcasting than this show.
[00:12:00] It's the only context which I I've never like I've maybe I've hung I've quote unquote hung
[00:12:04] out with the first time I ever met Lewis.
[00:12:10] And then after the since then it's just been we were doing blow in the bathroom at the
[00:12:17] He was like hey God you want to do some cocaine.
[00:12:26] I haven't like you know yeah nobody initiates it other than Bobby.
[00:12:37] Because you know I could be a bunch of guys in the room and nobody wants to say it and
[00:12:41] then Bobby would come in and be like fellas.
[00:12:46] Let's just get down to business and suck each other's car.
[00:12:50] We say well I wasn't going to say it but since you brought it up.
[00:12:53] I mean it sounds fucking gay but if you know you really exist.
[00:13:10] What if we put Chinese people in boxes.
[00:13:14] I put him in I got a Chinese car and a trunk I'm a BMW and I'm taking him to a transport.
[00:13:25] Transportings but in as a surprise twist is that the movies also about transporters meaning
[00:13:34] That's been filled with Chinese people.
[00:14:01] I put all four cantal holders in my house.
[00:14:05] I take it from a breaker's wrist in my ass.
[00:14:10] There's not enough putting things in your ass for defensive purposes in movies.
[00:14:16] Who invited this guy to be part of the Fast and Furious?
[00:14:24] A lot of people thought it was Dwayne Johnson in the movie but I guess that's not coming
[00:15:00] I don't know what they were doing back there.
[00:15:03] What was the premise of the transporter also that they were doing with those Chinese people?
[00:15:23] I mean he's a driver and he transports things.
[00:15:26] I thought it was like he's got the best of the most.
[00:15:28] One time he looks in the trunk and it's a Chinese girl and then she's like, my family
[00:15:35] He's like, what do you mean your family?
[00:15:38] I don't think you people wear families.
[00:15:53] So it's like they told us in school they explained the birds and the bees and birds
[00:16:03] At least I was my understanding I was too busy doing karate to focus on my studies.
[00:16:16] I know but how the fuck does that even make sense?
[00:16:24] It's that birds have sex to have kids and bees have sex to have kids.
[00:16:30] I'm never going to tell my kid about sex.
[00:16:32] If they ask you'll be like, you're never going to get fucking late.
[00:16:38] Let me tell you right now, you will never get any pussy.
[00:16:53] You want to come out here in the garage?
[00:16:55] I'll teach you a martial art I've been kind of working on the last 10, 15 years.
[00:17:07] People said she was too mentally able to ever leave me well.
[00:17:33] The point is you won't be getting any pussy.
[00:17:35] So you might as well learn how to do a fucking flying arm bar.
[00:17:41] I'll buy you a flashlight and I'll get you porn hub premium.
[00:17:50] You want to spend the entire week of grandpa's house?
[00:18:00] Homer Simpson Mullen you get in the car right now and dry and Homer Hunter Biden Simpson
[00:18:11] You listen to me when I am demanding that you do some drive to your grandfather's house
[00:18:24] Tell him you asked what sex is and that I am trashed.
[00:18:30] Yeah, you're probably going to have a really gay sex talk Adam.
[00:18:45] You're going to have a daughter and you're going to be like you should have as much sex
[00:18:50] And then she's going to do it but do it too much.
[00:18:55] And it'd be like my dad made me a whore and you're like I tried to do the opposite.
[00:18:59] I tried to use reverse psychology on her because if your dad tells you not to fuck then you're
[00:19:05] So I'm going to be like hey you should be a slut and she's going to fuck so much.
[00:19:20] Yeah, if my son asked about sex I'm just going to put that song on.
[00:19:24] Just close my eyes and slowly shake my head back.
[00:19:40] That's such a kind of guy that gets really.
[00:19:50] Yeah, it's like the cars are yellow or more.
[00:19:56] Todd Rungren featuring another guy who like probably didn't get any pussy.
[00:20:17] The dipping dots of dick and getting your dick hard.
[00:20:25] When I opened dipping dots here in America I said if there was only a pill like a take
[00:20:31] to make my penis hard I would not have to eat future ice cream.
[00:20:35] Well good news my friends because how about this?
[00:20:45] We didn't say we're going to make it bigger.
[00:20:48] And that's something crucial guys because I remember when I first took a couple of blue
[00:20:51] chews I thought the more I took the bigger my dick would get.
[00:20:57] But it turns out no you will just, your dick will get very hard but you will also have
[00:21:04] You got to take them until you have the headache.
[00:21:08] Because you get the blood in your head.
[00:21:09] It's kind of, it's like how they tell you to use the faucet when you're a dishwasher.
[00:21:15] As everyone who's been on this or listens to the show has been employed as a dishwasher
[00:21:23] They tell you to turn the water hot as you can.
[00:21:26] And then until you turn it hot on your hand until it burns your hand.
[00:21:31] Until it burns your hand then you back it off a little bit.
[00:21:35] You keep popping those pills until your eyes start to, you see like the, around the corners
[00:21:44] You can really, you're aware of your pulse.
[00:21:48] You know when it comes over you're like cut to your arms.
[00:22:00] I know my, I know, I know, I know my head is red, but just take off my pants.
[00:22:16] You're just going to have to suck my penis.
[00:22:19] You're just, you're just going to have to suck off my penis.
[00:22:24] You're just going to have to suck off my penis.
[00:22:33] I took the pill back off that I had an extra pill.
[00:22:37] I gave it to the lady like a gentleman.
[00:22:43] Blue shoe has a narcotic effect on women.
[00:22:46] That's what sets Blue shoe apart is that it's the only dick pill that also if a woman takes
[00:22:52] And can't remember the last one for us.
[00:22:57] And it's listen, hey, Blue shoe, fuck you.
[00:23:17] You ever consider that banks are fucking the same thing?
[00:23:23] Excuse me and Zach De La Roca as we free Chinese people from cargo containers.
[00:23:33] I'm Jason Statham and welcome to Chinese Aid.
[00:23:37] It's my three day music festival to help out.
[00:23:48] And we save enough money to get them regular eyes.
[00:23:54] We got our glasses and blue shoe for that.
[00:24:01] If the Blochaunees take a blue shoe, they turn green.
[00:24:07] According to Colofe Reud, that's a red dress.
[00:24:29] If a black guy went bald for meeting Chinese food, I went one time, got General Soast Chicken.
[00:24:41] So now what I want is a little bit of revenge.
[00:24:43] So you're turning their eyes regular and making their dicks hard?
[00:24:53] Well, to bake water on a sweet beer, I died in the red wine.
[00:25:01] Well the one thing too, remember, is if your dick can't get hard because you're too
[00:25:05] fat or you're secretly gay or you're just not a very...
[00:25:12] Many of those, and then good news, because we, the three of us know for a fact and solves
[00:25:19] And also it's unconfirmed, but I'm just looking at my friend's stoppers over here and his
[00:25:28] Doctors have not said or denied this, but it does function as cure to combat male patters.
[00:25:36] I have been doing an unlicensed, unsubstantiated...
[00:25:42] Scientific study, and I have been taking blue shoes and my hair has grown back.
[00:25:46] You can tell I have a beautiful, completely full head of hair.
[00:25:49] My hair keeps growing from the blue shoes.
[00:25:52] You also look like you've gained maybe a hundred pounds.
[00:26:05] So, the important thing is to go to fuckingblutew.com.
[00:26:10] I think that old man strength is measured in carrying a box of shit up the stairs once
[00:26:17] Yeah, but you do it with fucking gusto.
[00:26:34] Nice thick fucking shoulders and nice fucking thick back.
[00:26:45] So nice fat fucking workmen's hands working their way around and into your ass.
[00:26:50] I remember the first time I came to New York that they stand up.
[00:26:53] There was some old guy in a diner afterwards that had been in like whatever bar I did
[00:27:20] It's an old man in a diner and fucking.
[00:27:32] It's been kind of a crunchy, hippie place for a while.
[00:27:35] So what you want to do though and it's important to say this is go to bluetooth.com slash com
[00:27:40] town or something and put in the promo code COMTOWN or COMTOWN20.
[00:27:46] It could be either one of those promo codes.
[00:27:52] You'll get first order free just pay shipping.
[00:27:54] You'll lay around with the promo codes until you get-
[00:28:00] And get everyone you know to sign up for it.
[00:28:08] The thing is it's the same active ingredients.
[00:28:11] We have to point this out because it's not- this isn't some gas station fucking-
[00:28:20] It's real drugs made by English geniuses.
[00:28:28] It's one of the jobs that Trump brought back.
[00:28:31] It's the same thing as the same thing as Viagra but the fucking but without paying those
[00:28:37] And you don't have to go to a doctor and say doctor, my dick don't wall.
[00:28:41] See Alice, I'd like Alice to see my penis.
[00:29:03] When you're a star, you can rape with him.
[00:29:08] To be clear that his bluetooth.com does not condone that.
[00:29:15] Are we supposed to say asylum when he says stuff like that?
[00:29:25] I'm on a podcast every week saying defund and police.
[00:29:31] When history looks back, and this is not a narcissistic thought, this is very humble.
[00:29:39] The idea that history will be thinking about me.
[00:29:42] Ethically a pure statement to say that I am going to be on the right side of history.
[00:29:51] People are going to make a statue of me and all the other fat went.
[00:30:01] There's got to be a guy named Historian.
[00:30:07] Do you know there's a guy named Historian?
[00:30:10] The restock's the mellow yellow at gas.
[00:30:15] There's probably like a backpack hip hop guy named Historian.
[00:30:33] First of all, that- it's one thing that calls small, but to say Scrooge.
[00:30:43] That's where you're always like, yeah, I got two big nuts.
[00:30:58] My balls are two and they're big and right and bigger than average.
[00:31:01] And my dick, though small, is not a Scrooge.
[00:31:05] In fact, call my dick Generous McSmall.
[00:31:08] That's a nice compromise we can all agree on, right?
[00:31:12] Can my dick's name please be Generous McSmall?
[00:31:17] There's got to be a guy named Historian Generous.
[00:31:26] Shows up at the gym once a week, benches 405, nine times.
[00:31:33] And then just yell stay in school and then leaves and then goes back to his job.
[00:31:42] I told you I saw a guy at the gym, like two guys at the gym, but one of them just a wife
[00:31:44] beater, Dickies, and Tim's, and then he brought a boombox in.
[00:31:55] He's about to rape the fucking guy that does the-
[00:32:13] You can't just say that when I came up with a burn, dude.
[00:32:16] You said him up, but he fucking judo flipped you.
[00:32:50] Adam, someone's trying to get your attention.
[00:33:14] The rob of De Niro's are completely different guys.
[00:33:28] He's probably watching men of honor also.
[00:33:31] Which everybody mocks Robert De Niro's southern accent and Cape Fear.
[00:33:37] But his southern accent of men of honor is so much better.
[00:33:52] Junior is fighting to become the first black dive-
[00:33:57] And he's in one of those, like, 400-pound diving-
[00:34:01] I saw that movie when I was, like, fucking 13.
[00:34:08] That's what I thought about boondock scenes.
[00:34:10] I was, like, damn, that's as good as the godfather.
[00:34:32] We need the father, the spirit, and the holy-
[00:34:46] Oh, god, there's another assassin who's the shittiest comedian that Europe has ever produced.
[00:35:07] He would just do shit like- Can you believe it?
[00:35:13] Yeah, that was- That was most of his stand-up.
[00:35:16] I went into the bathroom and there was a lady and she's pissing out about a pussy!
[00:35:39] I'm so glad that nobody talks about UK comedy anymore.
[00:35:55] We don't have a queen, but we don't have a president.
[00:35:59] And last time I checked, yeah, you don't either.
[00:36:05] And last time I checked, yeah, you don't either.
[00:36:15] I like, you know, like, oh, Bill Hicks found success over there.
[00:36:18] It's like, yeah, cause it's just an American guy being like, we're stupid.
[00:36:23] But British people just want to feel like they're fucking smart for consuming the sheetiest
[00:36:28] form of entertainment in the entire world.
[00:36:36] Yeah, any show would be good if you only did three episodes of-
[00:36:39] Yeah, imagine if Seinfeld was ten episodes.
[00:36:48] Brass Eye, there's fucking what, five episodes of it?
[00:36:58] You call it Pocket in the hide and puppies.
[00:37:04] Adam's favorite show is James is outrageous.
[00:37:30] They finally have insects with each other.
[00:37:35] I remember when I was a fucking Chandler bent over that fountain.
[00:37:42] So no one told you, Joey and Chandler a fucking gay.
[00:37:55] They're trying to get a million dollars and someone told them they give a million dollars.
[00:37:59] It's the movie and decent proposal, but every single episode and they're always getting
[00:38:06] I'm pretty sure this guy's a millionaire.
[00:38:09] Just every single episode, Joey's like, Chandler, I know you're not going to believe me, but
[00:38:15] I met a guy on the train, Joey, if he says that he wants to watch us have sex for a million
[00:38:21] dollars, don't forget that this has happened 700 times.
[00:38:31] And Chandler's like, that is different.
[00:38:40] And then you see Matt LeBlanc's penis, but it's a prosthetic ass.
[00:38:46] So they tape an ass on top of Chandler's ass, but he can feel the very tip of Joey's
[00:38:53] How I thought you meant Joey's ass was a press or Joey's dick was in.
[00:38:59] And Chandler's ass is prosthetic, but if Joey gets really deep, he can kind of, he feels
[00:39:06] his dick head almost getting into his ass.
[00:39:09] So that way you fucking maintain some of the fairest militude of gay sex.
[00:39:17] It's a really interesting kind of thing when they don't have very smilitude.
[00:39:22] I need in my art, they better be very smilitude of gay sex.
[00:39:26] Damn, you know what I want is one of those country cookie ice cream sandwiches.
[00:39:34] I went to a, I was in a fancy supermarket trying to, I was, I forgot why, but I was trying
[00:39:40] You didn't forget why you were on a date.
[00:39:44] Oh, I don't even know why I was in that fancy grocery store.
[00:39:47] You could have just said you were there.
[00:39:50] What do you mean you do forget why you were in the grocery store?
[00:39:55] I was fighting food, but I thought for me, I'd never forget why I was in the grocery
[00:40:01] I forgot why I walked in because you're on a date.
[00:40:04] I thought with a guy, you let it slip, dude.
[00:40:25] You were kind of giving us fucking subconscious clues.
[00:40:27] You're like, I was in the grocery store.
[00:40:38] They had an assortment of different fancy ice cream sandwiches, different ice cream and
[00:40:52] We're talking about me wanting an ice cream.
[00:40:55] I was just saying like, yeah, do what the fuck.
[00:41:02] Let me think about who's going to be on the right side of history.
[00:41:06] Let's let Nick finish and then I'm sorry, dude.
[00:41:11] If I may finish, I would like an ice cream sandwich.
[00:41:24] I would like to tell a different story about your life and not copy mine.
[00:41:38] What kind of fucking ice cream do you blue bell blue bell country cookies?
[00:41:51] They had like like an oatmeal raisin cookie with like what you start with.
[00:41:55] No, but that was like one of but it was like it wasn't the typical.
[00:42:04] Oatmeal raisin is good as like you know what?
[00:42:07] I haven't had a shitty cookie to watch.
[00:42:13] You open up with the fucking good ones, motherfucker.
[00:42:15] They had two chocolate cookies with a peanut butter ice cream.
[00:42:26] So if you want to bet on which one of your friends knows what a good fucking flavor
[00:42:32] of ice cream is, you can go to my bookie dot a G my penis dot penis.
[00:42:40] You can bet on every game and how and a lot of other stuff.
[00:42:47] And Tony, like I asked suckers on the book and ears.
[00:42:51] You just got signed satchel pages on the Odell Beckham.
[00:43:03] I said the name of the leagues that satchel page was on.
[00:43:14] He was just it was like a weird four year split.
[00:43:20] It really was because it was like a creature.
[00:43:23] It was really it was so fucking inexcusable.
[00:43:26] Can you imagine that happened in a live show?
[00:43:29] You could you would have been able to hear a pin drop.
[00:43:32] No, no, because I would have been losing my shit.
[00:43:35] Yeah, it would have been silent except for me cackling loud as I wouldn't have been
[00:43:44] My bookie dot a G is one of these cool ass websites that ends in dot a G.
[00:43:53] You got to have to you are you got to have an offshore company in Switzerland to even
[00:44:01] It's got an offshore that has an offshore multiple levels and the good news is they
[00:44:06] they're basically I don't even know how this website's fucking still afloat because every
[00:44:11] time you bet you're going to win money.
[00:44:13] Play bet when you sign up you get a bonus as my listeners know I would never recommend
[00:44:31] And furthermore have heard really good things about it.
[00:44:37] I bet I've bet and I've won over $17,000.
[00:44:41] I I've definitely even I would do the website.
[00:44:44] I've gone looked at it on a phone or a laptop.
[00:44:49] Even when there's a hyperlink in my email.
[00:44:53] I've definitely at least visited the website once.
[00:44:56] I think I have not actually visited the website.
[00:44:58] I've never looked at the website once in my life.
[00:45:02] Yeah, but it's good and you can bet on how many fantasy points.
[00:45:26] Bruce Falanche seems like he would suck someone's dick knife.
[00:45:36] Anyway, what the fuck did he do anyways?
[00:45:50] He's known for Hollywood squares and...
[00:45:53] What do you mean he's known for writing jokes for award shows?
[00:45:56] He's probably just a guy in the room and then people are like, it's so funny how stupid
[00:45:59] you're looking out loud and gay you are.
[00:46:04] He's like, people are not going to believe how gay you are.
[00:46:07] Can you imagine if you would just stop if we'd done all this fucking 15 years ago, 20
[00:46:12] years ago you'd ended up just on Hollywood squares.
[00:46:22] Anyway, go to fucking my book here, whatever the fuck.
[00:46:26] My book that A.G. used promo code COMTOWN or COMTOWNTOON.
[00:46:33] If you guys want to look up that copy, we're trying this new thing where we don't look
[00:46:45] When I read the copy, I learned that from Terence Howard.
[00:46:48] Terence Howard's like, I'll never look at the script.
[00:46:51] I always think about what if this character had a much bigger dick?
[00:46:56] And that's why I like acting is because it lets me pretend like somebody that's got
[00:47:06] Sometimes I just beat off and everything's the same.
[00:47:12] When your dick gets bigger, when it gets hard.
[00:47:21] You know, like when your dick gets harder.
[00:47:37] My bloody daddy is the only I'm sorry where you can bet on the movie grandma's boy.
[00:47:52] That's the funniest thing you've ever said.
[00:48:05] When I smoke this weed, it makes me feel like a grandma's boy.
[00:48:28] It seems making you feel like a grandma's boy.
[00:48:32] I don't know why that's the only way I can picture a pechino smoking weed.
[00:48:36] It's him just looking at a joint reflecting.
[00:48:37] I'm thinking about the movie grandma's boy.
[00:49:00] Anyway, so by bookie.aj promo code comtown.
[00:49:04] I'm trying to do Cuomo because he's similar.
[00:49:16] Don't you get like some kind of money for so you're basically betting for free.
[00:49:20] If you up to a thousand dollars, they match your deposit.
[00:49:47] I think you go like just the under part of the head of your penis.
[00:49:57] Just fucking go and check it out motherfucker.
[00:49:59] Another thing to do is go online, find the video of the guy just walking along the rocks
[00:50:04] through the lighthouse and then he stumbles on to it.
[00:50:08] Middle Eastern men sucking each other's clothes.
[00:50:19] They're on the Black Sea, I guess, or just some fucking place.
[00:50:24] And the guy's got the guys getting his dick stuck with his hands on his hands.
[00:50:26] Does he have a really small dick or is it?
[00:50:32] I don't remember anything about his cock.
[00:50:38] You guys saw that video, the Philly guy getting fired.
[00:50:47] I wish they should pair that video with the...
[00:50:57] Yeah, because it's also an Arab retarded guy.
[00:51:03] Can I go there and just be there fucking Justin Bieber?
[00:51:18] I'm just going to start making those YouTube videos for Bodega guys.
[00:51:29] Yeah, it's always like an 11-year-old at 4 AM.
[00:51:50] It's the only place it sells loose cigarettes.
[00:51:56] Yeah, the old five-box-a-way neighborhood.
[00:51:57] I don't know what happened to those guys, but like...
[00:52:01] Every single one of them, every guy that works there has gained 100 pounds.
[00:52:06] There was one guy that was already kind of fat who is now...
[00:52:13] The guy used to work the grill sometimes?
[00:52:19] I just remember the one skinny guy that would work the front, the main guy.
[00:52:35] There was the younger one, and now he's like probably, I don't know, 20 or something.
[00:52:38] And then he's been replaced by an even younger one.
[00:52:43] Yeah, they don't sell looseies around here.
[00:52:45] They get looseies that fucking the one right by me.
[00:52:51] Did you see the video of the Philly guy getting fired on the construction site?
[00:52:55] I did, and it was very good, and thank you for a couple of people sending it to me.
[00:53:20] We're here with live election coverage, which I would like to say before anyone, it's fake,
[00:53:29] CNN first, and also what we're covering, is fake and gay.
[00:53:38] Like, his commenting on the media is how you would comment on YouTube.
[00:53:54] Like this comment, if you're the first one, if you're still listening to this.
[00:53:59] He's probably just going to start a little TV channel beyond the air all the time.
[00:54:02] He's going to win the election and be president for four more years.
[00:54:07] If he loses, what do you think he does?
[00:54:20] I'm kind of hoping he loses now so that I can be one of the guys that had to eat a
[00:54:44] Well, then you better vote for the president.
[00:54:47] You better hope Donald Trump doesn't lose.
[00:55:00] This is what you call winning in the cash flow of business.
[00:55:02] This is where you set yourself up for success.
[00:55:28] If you want to get fixed in your race, what you do is you make a bet.
[00:55:35] It's a bet that if the president loses, you have to eat somebody's cock.
[00:55:50] This fucking asshole was shot out of company.
[00:55:54] I didn't know I had ever thought it was for years.
[00:55:56] It was better off when you just blurt it at the end.
[00:55:59] I never did, but at least that wouldn't have cost us money.
[00:56:10] Let me and I met now people who will forget the name.
[00:56:18] When I invented sparkling water in 1987.
[00:56:29] I put regular water in my ass and I came out sparkling.
[00:56:33] I sh-I sprayed it all over the wall at the Oscars.
[00:56:52] That's why it's important for you to vote.
[00:56:55] It's very-I'm Michael Douglas and I'm begging you to vote for my boyfriend, Michael Bloomberg.
[00:57:01] He's like, he's doing videos now where he's like, you have to vote for Biden.
[00:57:06] And it's like, you were the Bloomberg guy.
[00:57:08] I thought his dad was the Bloomberg guy.
[00:57:22] And for one floor with a Cooper's name?
[00:57:31] I was wondering if we could put the baseball game on.
[00:57:34] No, I'm going to put Danny Dafito in my ass.
[00:57:37] So, but you want to do chief, you want to put the ball in my ass?
[00:57:55] Notice I was thinking maybe you could make love.
[00:58:08] And then the way he gets out of it is by pretending he's retarded.
[00:58:11] When you get that 15 year old beaver up in your face.
[00:58:46] Michael Jackson played that big guy in the mental sciences.
[00:58:50] And they deleted that episode from Hulu.
[00:59:00] Mac Graining is a charge of pedophiles on the island.
[00:59:03] No matter if this is about principles or what's right or wrong.
[00:59:07] It's about keeping your nose clean and inventing Quebe instead of coming up with new good TV shows.
[00:59:16] Every time I see the amount of money they make...
[00:59:28] Adam, listen to me when I saw you at the meeting for Jews.
[00:59:32] From one guy with a hysterically Jewish name to another, Adam Friedland says, fuck Jeffrey
[01:00:01] When they went from Lithuania to Cape Town, I think it became Friedland.
[01:00:17] It's one of Napoleon's great victories.
[01:00:33] He's Bruce Volansch to six time from two...
[01:00:36] Oh, he was the head writer for the Oscars.
[01:00:41] Well, I think for a while, I mean it probably worked his way up.
[01:00:46] Volansch's career in the entertainment industry began with writing features for the Chicago
[01:00:55] I mean, because it sounds like a nice life, but just being some guy that lives in Los
[01:01:03] He became friends with Bette Midler and he wrote comedy material for the Broadway show
[01:01:15] Volansch is a co-writer for the Donnie and Marie show.
[01:01:18] 1978's negatively received Star Wars holidays for the show.
[01:01:23] And the short-lived Brady Bunch variety hour.
[01:01:25] He went on to write jokes for Lily Tomlin, Billy Crystal, Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell,
[01:01:31] Paul Reiser, Elizabeth Taylor, Steven Tyler, Marisabeth, and Robin Williams.
[01:01:56] The jokes are killing night after night, Bruce.
[01:02:05] Ooh, there's just a little something for me.
[01:02:12] I'd like to hear one joke he ever wrote.
[01:02:20] He was not very funny, if I recall correctly.
[01:02:25] People would go crazy for him, though, in the studio.
[01:02:30] The way I'm hoping you're going to go gaga and apeshit for me at Magoobie's Joke House
[01:02:34] this weekend, Halloween weekend, I'm back there, backward all started, where I was
[01:02:42] 2011, Magoobie's new community of the year.
[01:02:48] You can see how much candy I can eat on stage challenged.
[01:03:08] The audience is refined, but I mean, good Lord.
[01:03:12] Another version of that I hear a lot is United Negro College Fund, and someone will be like,
[01:03:16] oh, I got if it's a black guy, he'll be like, well, I got a son.
[01:03:27] Anyway, I'm also going to go to fucking Mohican Sun, November 20th and 21st, and then I'm also
[01:03:33] going to go to fucking bananas and Hasbro Heights.
[01:03:45] I would like to buy me a big industrial space or a garage in Gowanus.
[01:04:02] We'd be closer to the De Fante sandwich.
[01:04:05] Well, that's, you're just thinking about you.
[01:04:08] You're thinking about Red Hook because you want to go to a place that's an apothecary
[01:04:17] Next to a place that sells rusted bath fixtures.
[01:04:29] Well, it's just like a fenced off area of like just toilets that are just left out the
[01:04:36] And then it's like all these signs that are like, modern or bi-camera.
[01:04:40] Keep your fucking mids off my goddamn toilets.
[01:04:46] I found a Twitter account for Bruce Vilanche that hasn't been active since 2011.
[01:04:53] He said, when I was 10 years old, I molested my coach.
[01:05:00] Oh, I mean, he has a couple other ones.
[01:05:01] Bruce Vilanche is getting drunk remembering being molested.
[01:05:11] And then what we're doing is imagining Bruce Vilanche.
[01:05:21] And we're doing that without the interruption of time.
[01:05:28] Wondering how I got overlooked for the Victoria's Secret fashion show again.
[01:05:34] I'm getting a millionaire doing shit like that.
[01:05:43] Anything goes this afternoon wearing all my ancient swag from Reno, Sweden.
[01:05:58] Go to come.town to buy me a garage in Golanis.
[01:06:12] You know, but I can at least have a garage.
[01:06:16] You know, it's a place where we'd be busy with the garage.
[01:06:28] Because the show's ruined our friendship.
[01:06:29] No, but if I was in the neighborhood, I'd stop by the garage.
[01:06:31] We used to be friends before the show, and then we did this and we'd say things like,
[01:06:35] but the tweet says, and then you just have to...
[01:06:40] It's not even about derailing the jokes.
[01:06:42] Or to your daily nature, which is anti-training.
[01:06:48] But we're going on a trip next week, probably.