Cum Town | Regular | 06/16/2021
[00:00:02] I look over here and there's, you know, walking into the bar, who do I see?
[00:00:22] And then, so far we have a, two Chinese guys, a rabbi and a Jew.
[00:00:29] A couple of Jews, rabbis and two Chinese guys.
[00:00:43] And they're all in this big fucking argument.
[00:00:46] And you've walked into the bar and you see this.
[00:00:52] One of the Jews, one of the Jews, there's two, two Jews, two Jewish rabbis.
[00:01:00] And the Jews are standing across from each other.
[00:01:04] And the Chinese guys are next to the Jews.
[00:01:08] And the Jews, the Jews are saying you like, $20.
[00:01:18] And the other Jew is like, I can't afford it.
[00:01:22] And he's trying to haggle down to buy a second Chinese guy.
[00:01:25] You can't be selling Chinese slaves in here.
[00:01:30] And the look on my face when I realize that it's not two different Chinese guys, it's
[00:01:36] one Chinese guy and one Jew is selling a mirror to another Jewish guy.
[00:01:44] There is a Chinese guy standing next to one buying.
[00:01:48] Is he friends with the Jews or are you just around?
[00:01:55] And there's a Chinese guy and his reflection appeared to me at the time.
[00:02:01] To be a complete, I didn't want to be racist.
[00:02:03] I assume there were two Chinese people.
[00:02:06] And the Jews were just selling a mirror to one another.
[00:02:27] What do you think they would do to a couple of Jews and a Chinese guy if they caught him
[00:02:36] Well, you've heard the term bar backing.
[00:02:40] A lot of people don't know where that comes from.
[00:02:47] They bring the bus boy of the bartender.
[00:02:49] They bring the dirty glasses back to the basewasher.
[00:02:54] It used to, it used to, the word term used to be buck breaking.
[00:02:59] And they would get, you know, a younger man, kidnapped from Africa.
[00:03:08] And his job would be to shadow a bartender.
[00:03:12] And to learn how to become more of like a Lenny Kravitz style black guy.
[00:03:16] You're going to have a bull sort of bartender.
[00:03:19] In the south, you know, because everything was slave labor.
[00:03:24] So they had to teach them how to listen to their books.
[00:03:29] And they had to, yeah, they had to learn how to become.
[00:03:32] All she'd be like, something's what's wrong with you, mister?
[00:03:36] And then you can say, well, what does this have to do with what they would do to a-
[00:03:40] Chinese guy in Jew back in olden times.
[00:03:42] Sometimes you didn't have black people.
[00:03:49] In fact, most of the slaves were owned by Jewish people.
[00:03:53] And that's the thing a lot of people aren't talking about.
[00:03:55] A lot of people aren't talking about that.
[00:03:57] And that's why thankfully we have the Chinese to do the math.
[00:04:01] To show us that that was actually the case.
[00:04:08] Here's the thing that's true about statistics.
[00:04:11] And finally we're having this conversation.
[00:04:13] Because in terms of absolute numbers, yes, more white people are killed by the police
[00:04:18] But what's more, the black people are only 12% of the population.
[00:04:22] That means that 100% of the people being killed by police are black.
[00:04:27] But it's sort of, it's something like that.
[00:04:31] But in terms of absolute numbers, it's yes.
[00:04:37] The percentage of Jews, the Jews were paying less.
[00:04:42] They were haggling it down, poor slaves.
[00:04:45] So in terms of dollar value spent on slaves, in terms of non-cheap value, in terms of real
[00:04:51] people, it's the Jewish people's fault.
[00:04:57] And that has something to do with buck breaking.
[00:05:01] They would say, do we go, why are you breaking my buck?
[00:05:08] It's like, well then, then there's change.
[00:05:10] And then I have to buy another slave to carry the change back to the bank.
[00:05:21] I'll open a bar and teach them to be bartenders.
[00:05:29] That's Abe Zapperstein, the founder of the Harlem Globes
[00:05:32] My guess would have been the Navy guys would have fucked the Jew and the Chinese guy in
[00:05:44] I had no idea there was all this complex history.
[00:05:49] When you explore history, it's everybody's looking for a simple story.
[00:05:55] Yeah, and that's by the way, I used to shave my balls.
[00:05:58] Oh yeah, this episode is sponsored by Occam's razor.
[00:06:03] If you want the cleanest nut shave you've ever had in your life, go to Occam's razor.pussy.
[00:06:11] Um, the, uh, what are we talking about?
[00:06:18] History is a very good topic for a podcast.
[00:06:22] Um, and that's, that's the kind of the pivot we're going to start doing.
[00:06:28] We actually, we found Dan Carlett and we made him suck our comments at gunpoint.
[00:06:31] And today is a history of the Harlem Globetrotters.
[00:06:35] Uh, my favorite image with the Harlem Globetrotters is, um, I thought it'd be really funny to,
[00:06:40] uh, take like a video of the Harlem Globetrotters, you know, it's like, do do do do do do do do
[00:06:47] They out at the fairs, the name of that song.
[00:06:51] It was, uh, it's, there's actually lyrics to it.
[00:06:55] It's like a jazz song before, and the lyrics are, you know, it's like the ice cream song
[00:07:05] We spot a couple of fellows up the no good.
[00:07:08] Got a little fight and my mom got scared.
[00:07:15] And then I got to Bel Air and it was filled with Jews.
[00:07:19] And that's the black band of my natural enemy.
[00:07:23] Cause they pit me against the other races.
[00:07:26] They use, they use me as a cudgel to beat over the head of the white band.
[00:07:33] And then they use that for the Harlem Globetrotters.
[00:07:35] You know, I would have to say in probably the thirties, that's pretty, that's actually
[00:07:38] probably considered progressive to think of, to see that.
[00:07:44] But what I thought, what I thought, oh, so my idea with the Harlem Globetrotters.
[00:07:53] The Harlem Globetrotters was actually originally a black and Chinese.
[00:07:58] It was, there was a Chinese, the part of the play was that it wasn't the, cause they're
[00:08:11] Yeah, the Harlem Globetrotters are from Chicago.
[00:08:13] They had actually never played in Harlem until 40 years after the team started.
[00:08:22] But the, yeah, it was originally, this part is also true, a Chinese thing.
[00:08:29] And it was called the R, R them, R them Globetrotters.
[00:08:32] And it was a Chinese guy and he's like, oh, I can't see.
[00:08:36] On two Chinese, I can't see our them Globetrotters.
[00:08:41] He's wondering if they're Globetrotters.
[00:08:45] So it was originally, it was originally a group of, I guess still black guys that were
[00:08:53] just, yeah, globe trotting, not basketball or they are basketball player.
[00:09:03] And he's wondering if they're globetrotters.
[00:09:06] And so people would buy tickets to watch this man try and figure out if they're globetrotters.
[00:09:10] Well yeah, then they'd be like dunking on him and he'd be like looking for his glasses.
[00:09:16] So he'd be stumbling all over the crowd.
[00:09:19] And he's setting picks and shoving him to the ground.
[00:09:22] It's kind of like a fun little like hate crime sort of thing.
[00:09:28] So they, they were making all the money.
[00:09:34] Fucking chairman, chairman LeBron sucking off, sucking off mouths, bald little nuts.
[00:09:40] So my idea to go back to what I was saying about the Harlem Globetrotters is I thought
[00:09:45] it would be really funny to interspersed a five, five on one, five black eyes on one
[00:09:52] white woman gang bang with the Harlem Globetrotters music.
[00:09:57] Like it's like in the minute, you could very easily add that music to pornography.
[00:10:03] And I don't know why that hasn't been done yet.
[00:10:05] It's, I think it would be the funniest.
[00:10:24] It doesn't have enough of that hood stinking them to say anything to these people.
[00:10:30] He's trying to keep quiet without me will from West Philadelphia.
[00:10:36] I can say what I want, what are they gonna do? Send me back to Philadelphia
[00:10:42] I'm an anti-Semite, but it's more of a Philadelphia thing than a Black thing
[00:11:11] I'm the one that did it, I'm the one that did it
[00:11:23] Welcome everyone to This Is Nick and Stav's Day Out
[00:11:31] We just ate an entire box of Milano double-bar chocolate
[00:11:35] Without Adam here to make us feel bad about our bodies
[00:11:45] Probably eating like a cracker made out of compost
[00:12:03] And skin shavings off like an Indian woman's foot
[00:12:18] Before we really started to get cooking
[00:12:20] I want to tell the good people of Rochester, New York
[00:12:23] I try tickets to see me at Carlsen Comedy
[00:12:28] Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I'm there five shows
[00:12:33] Once these are all sold, I can announce my whole tour
[00:12:37] Coming up, maybe check Stavi.biz for tickets
[00:12:54] It's not unusual to get fucked inside your ass
[00:13:01] Damn, Gina, you know what I watched yesterday?
[00:13:06] Damn, should I get all of Martin on the DVD now?
[00:13:10] I don't know why I haven't done that yet
[00:13:12] Yeah, I love that the Martin logo is just now like
[00:13:15] It's now, it's like, that's just like the symbol of Pan-Africanism
[00:13:27] No, and then it's in like the, like you just expect to see Martin Lawrence's face
[00:13:33] I remember like, remember the later season of Martin when they had the little like Martin animation
[00:13:38] That was fucked, that was in the weird end
[00:13:43] But there was no reason for it, it's like well that's not on the show
[00:14:14] And it's like I would love to just have one more slice
[00:14:22] I'm going super sane right now and I fear what I'm gonna do when I get home
[00:14:27] Like I've been shaking out of a slumber
[00:14:29] I've been awoken out of a slumber with our lunch and our eating of these cooks
[00:14:32] Well I quit smoking this week so I figured
[00:14:36] Might as well kill myself in a different way
[00:14:54] You still want to kill yourself so it's like
[00:15:00] You're in a good enough shape where you could just
[00:15:11] Change what you want to align with like
[00:15:17] Rather than being a constant cycle of abstaining
[00:15:31] Couple of guys walking into a bar and one of them is actually a mirror
[00:15:39] There was a guy that used to be this like
[00:15:44] There was a guy that went up and did it one time
[00:15:47] And he started like telling some bar joke
[00:15:49] That he was clearly making up on the spot
[00:15:52] Like it was like clear that that's what was happening
[00:15:58] And so meandering and so bad that when he finally got to the punch line
[00:16:01] Which was absurd and nonsensical and didn't make any sense
[00:16:12] He lives here now and he's an extra on like a never-eat-cop show
[00:16:17] He's been doing that for like ten years
[00:16:19] I actually heard you won funniest person in Austin
[00:16:24] They're like that's the biggest clown I've ever seen
[00:16:38] I just checked and used to Austin Daily Chronicle
[00:16:40] And it had world's smallest but funniest penis
[00:16:52] Austin Daily Chronicle that has a new newspaper for a year
[00:17:04] The only papers they have are office space
[00:17:11] That's not sure you just were you were too drunk to know
[00:17:16] I was one of the only guys in Austin that
[00:17:29] For one of the most miniscule penises ever seen
[00:17:38] Well for starters you're holding the newspaper
[00:18:20] Because you have to read the instructions
[00:28:37] What a fuck what a bitch move. Oh you want your fucking drawstrings lost the strings are too long
[00:28:44] This seems too long in my weak baby arms can't fucking how about this too long your prick is too short about this Jeffress
[00:28:54] And the rest of you you can go to Macwolden calm use promo code come town or come down Tony
[00:29:03] And if it's neither of those try something else try something else you get 20% off
[00:29:09] You don't sign up for the Macwolden loyalty program the knuckle up Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac Mac Thank You
[00:29:15] Macwolden blue the Macwolden blue ball special. There's a lot of blue shit with all these fucking sponsors
[00:29:24] It's hard for me to keep track of who's blue and who's
[00:29:30] Are you you just mean the blue loyalty thing and then also
[00:29:37] Well another company that we work with who's not purchasing right now
[00:29:41] There's that guy Montgomery blue that I do business with sometimes. Yep. That guy
[00:29:46] Blue man group the fuck through the ass. No that guy blue
[00:29:48] Blue Montgomery sends me that Blickery makes and his bathtub that we give out the fans. Yep
[00:29:54] The test it out on them to see if it kills them
[00:29:57] That guy. Yep Montgomery blue. Yeah, there's
[00:30:04] That blue a dog for $20 one time remember when we got $20 in that guy yep in exchange for he got to watch Adam
[00:30:13] That happened and he did it at Macwolden calm
[00:30:16] That is if you buy enough clothing from Macwolden calm you get to unlock that video of Adam sucking off a cock
[00:30:23] I'm trying to check the promo code, but every time I click on a thing. I want it says is they're out of stock
[00:30:27] Which means they're very popular which means you better get to this fucking website post haste you fuck it 80
[00:30:33] He shirts and handlies here. You go the pima crew neck. This looks good dude. I see imagine love that look at this this this handsome
[00:30:41] Model of color he does have it be a black gentleman. Yeah, and I'll fuck him just the same
[00:30:47] I see these clothes and I'm like man imagine if I was somebody that
[00:30:50] Could go have a nice time. Yeah, I buy the shirt imagining
[00:30:54] I'll be like that smiling and then I put it on and then I just eat a bunch of tram at all on my couch
[00:31:00] And that's that's you know, it's like that you can do that at Macwolden calm
[00:31:06] Permoco come down or come town 20 the silver line. I feel like it's come town silver line of anti
[00:31:15] They got silver in their underwear here. You check out your cock is fucking nestled by precious metals
[00:31:21] You ask for fifty dollars you get free shipping with the blue program. No, it just looks like regular Wow
[00:31:29] Login for welding blue perks. I just want to see where they put the promo code in but you're right
[00:31:35] It's probably come town. I'm pretty positive. It's come down because I'll tell you this I am a customer folks
[00:31:42] Yeah, we some some people will send us some one call them a buster. I'm a buster my busting these four
[00:31:51] I've I've I've probably got my dick sucked
[00:31:54] With Macwolden's pulled down around my waist. I would say four or five times minimum
[00:32:00] Wait, what do you mean pulled down around your waist? Well, you know a girl pulls your cock out of your fucking underwear
[00:32:07] You like don't have a waist so you just don't understand the concept. I have a waist
[00:32:13] All right, I guess pulled down around my ass. I don't know wherever you pulled down underwear
[00:32:17] You can't pull down underwear down to your waist. I guess it is at your waist
[00:32:22] I don't know why we got to be the semantics crew off a fucking sudden all right. No, it's just very funny
[00:32:27] My cock my cock is pulled out of these back with a point is whether they're on my waist or they're under my ass cheeks
[00:32:34] Or right under my balls or whatever the fuck I have got my dick sucked with or around my ankles frankly one time recently
[00:32:44] My my pants and shorts. I was wearing khaki shorts were pulled down
[00:32:48] I like to do the mover you pull your shit out from the leg of the pant. No
[00:32:53] Yeah, pull your cock out of the leg. You're right shorts. Yeah, come on. It's too much bunches up. No, it doesn't you just move it off
[00:33:02] Fat masculine masculine. I mean if you want to call it that look at these fucking games, bro
[00:33:15] Yeah, I guess it sounds what it sounds like it's somebody that doesn't know how to read a newspaper
[00:33:19] No, I know I know how to read the Austin Daily Chronicle when you're in there
[00:33:28] Little ethnic and fucking a cap city comedy club. Don't see the name of where I did
[00:33:35] Now they're gonna look it up and ask and it's gonna be real the one thing
[00:33:39] I don't I the one thing I really don't want to happen is a bunch of people to call cap city and ask to see my penis
[00:33:48] If there's one thing I would hate I think it's close I think it closed during the pandemic then call whatever the box office is for the
[00:33:54] Moon Tower Comedy Festival and ask to see my penis if people were doing that I would just be heartbroken
[00:34:10] If you if people were calling up moon tower incessantly and asking that over and over again boy that would just sour mind nuts
[00:34:27] Yeah, go to Macwell did we finish this I think so yeah, all right go to Macwell calm and check out
[00:34:37] Mm-hmm. Thank God we wrap that up. Yeah
[00:34:45] Tap on his watch to let us know that we're running out of time
[00:34:48] Well to let us know that he has to get to the story about how somebody complimented
[00:34:56] Come on cat it's your chance to be on the podcast meow I've really only heard this bitch meow a couple times
[00:35:04] Meow yeah, I mean she's she's pretty loud
[00:35:08] Come on bitch. Say something for listeners at home. We're holding the microphone up to the cat
[00:35:12] This is no a cat podcast for all the fat women that fucking
[00:35:21] We get nothing we get emails. It's just this show the audience is 98% fat women who sing along the Hamilton
[00:35:31] Bagging for more cats on the show. Yeah, they're like I would have liked it if it was more ham
[00:35:37] Right. I loved it. It was great musical, but there wasn't enough
[00:35:42] I thought there was more ham and I thought that I feel represented in the word ton
[00:35:51] Dude we should go see in the Heights I want to I'm gonna write a musical called Ben Franklin big fat bitch
[00:35:57] Mm-hmm, and it's it's just a musical but Ben Franklin you cast like a
[00:36:05] You'd be a fat woman. Yeah, it's gender bending. Yeah
[00:36:10] And it's like inventing shit is my passion getting pussy in France is
[00:36:17] About a kite and there's a key and on the thought of the the key touches electricity
[00:36:23] And then I learned that you can use electricity to make a fucking piano
[00:36:35] It's from you know, that's when we passed the lot of 1887
[00:36:40] You have the right to give you a big stars
[00:36:44] They're just so gay. I know it's like I shouldn't still be mad about it. It's passé to call it gay
[00:36:52] I know but God damn dude. It is fucking annoying. Have you ever heard of the declaration of independence?
[00:37:01] The enlightenment come together to create democracy
[00:37:09] Everybody is he founding fathers can suck my little dick as far as taxation taxation is good
[00:37:18] Taxation with the representation makes me fucking pissed off. Mm-hmm
[00:37:22] What is what are some Hamilton songs? Let's just go through. Um, we'll just rip on Hamilton. Oh, yeah
[00:37:31] Alexander Hamilton suck my fucking little dick
[00:37:34] He pulled out my penis and he sucked. Oh, here we go in the Heights original motion picture soundtrack. We'll do that nice
[00:37:48] Up on Washington Heights up at the break a day. I wake up and I got this little punk
[00:37:53] I gotta chase away pop the great at the crack of dawn sing while I wipe down the awning
[00:37:58] Hey, yeah, good morning ice cold feet. I go up I just
[00:38:03] Throw a baby and just for today. I got my name. Oh, yeah, yeah
[00:38:08] I am a snobby. Yeah, you probably never heard my name reports of my fame a greatly exaggerated
[00:38:14] This just sounds like Hamilton. Yeah, I mean it is
[00:38:23] I'm the single greatest place in the Caribbean Dominican Republic. I love it
[00:38:28] So this is kind of racist right at the beginning it's just better than Haiti. Yeah, he's a he's a dr.
[00:38:42] Sasa in the movie that's what I've heard so it's colorist. I've heard it's colorist
[00:38:48] Jesus I'm jealous of it and beyond that ever since my folks passed on I haven't gone back to the
[00:38:55] So he hasn't been back to the dearth since his parents died goddamn. I gotta get on that
[00:39:00] The milk is gone bad hold up just a second
[00:39:04] Why isn't everything in the fridge warm and tepid so I guess he's he owns a bodega
[00:39:12] And he's a landlord. Yeah, so the premise of the the the he's a landlord and AOC
[00:39:19] Has called the AOC's press office. It's like she's coming by she needs to have oil coma vowel on
[00:39:25] When she goes in there to order her chachito
[00:39:29] And if oil coma vise and on then guess what?
[00:39:32] They're Donald Trump's gonna become president and it's your fault and it's your fault
[00:39:37] He's gonna make making like faggot sesame Street songs for NPR liberals
[00:39:46] You'll have to be a fucking substitute drama teacher again
[00:39:49] Yeah, it would be funny if there was like a go out of fucking a Guatemalan guy that did this
[00:39:56] Been Guatemalan. Yeah, and it was like we can up in the morning waiting outside of home depot
[00:40:02] Yeah, I'm five foot one on the tallest of my people
[00:40:07] What am I gonna have for lunch probably fucking McDonald's again
[00:40:17] I'm probably like 17 years old, but I look 37 because I've got cancer from cutting MDF without a mask
[00:40:26] Today goddamn. I wish I was dead. Yep. My wife looks just like me
[00:40:32] Technically I'm closer related to winning the poo than anybody from South America
[00:40:45] The same motherfucker and our clothes are for fat children
[00:40:49] When I put on my Tigger denim jean jacket, I know that everybody's laughing at me in my dumb ass culture
[00:40:57] Which these two exist dried up somewhere on the border crossing I lost half my family and now I'm
[00:41:07] Fagotry, yeah happily fagotry engaging gay sex with another guy who looks like me in the back of the day labor in van
[00:41:16] Mm-hmm. I got my man. We're doing a little broke back mountain except. It's more like a hill
[00:41:26] Broke backslide elevation. Yeah, haven't gay sex on my vacation having gay sex on my permanent vacation to America
[00:41:35] I came here for opportunity, but all I did was find out that I was kind of gay
[00:41:40] Yeah, that's not that yeah, he just yeah, that would be a much I would go see that
[00:41:44] I would love to see the musical about a gay Guatemalan in the parking lot
[00:41:53] I haven't been back to Guatemala since my entire family was killed by the cartel
[00:42:02] Kamala Harris told me not to come fuck Kamala
[00:42:06] Jokes on her I wasn't gonna come anyways until I found out I was gay
[00:42:09] Mm-hmm was he comes here and he realizes that there's women that don't look like his wife, right?
[00:42:16] Still doesn't want to fuck them. He's like well, I guess I'm gay
[00:42:20] I'm great. I thought the only thing I didn't want to get pussy was because my wife was ugly
[00:42:25] But if she had a cock I would suck yeah, and then like the contractor character
[00:42:29] I've done this joke before but when you do it on Broadway the contractor character is like a 30-foot tall pair of like legs and
[00:42:36] Timberlands that walks under the set right right right with muppet babies. Yes. Yes
[00:42:49] I look at a Hamilton suck my fucking penis made me suck his dick
[00:42:54] Or you do like the Rocky Horror Latino show okay, I'm listening and it's like the Dominican Republic
[00:43:13] Do they love you I don't care where I go I'm trying to
[00:43:42] Even though they were gonna fuck me in the house later
[00:44:07] Don't smoke the crate in me drinking I love drinking crater mill most as much as I love drinking cam
[00:44:14] Super speciosa which they've asked us to stop saying it because I'm saying it wrong
[00:44:19] I guess okay. I guess I'm not doing it the way Lin-Manuel Miranda would say it's but
[00:44:24] So they had to like they had to literally put it in like phonetics for me. Okay, Tresiosa is pronounced
[00:44:34] That's how we've been saying it's bestiosa
[00:44:40] Pussy, how about that? Why don't you call it super pussy give me sir?
[00:44:44] Super give me push up super give me pussy you can here we go. We got a promo code
[00:44:49] But we also have a direct URL you can use get super leaf
[00:45:01] T-u-m crayton I guess that's how you spell the pronunciation yep
[00:45:15] Crater gives your whole body energy, but for some people it's like coffee for your cock or your vagina
[00:45:20] I love that mm-hmm, which famously coffee does not to work on your well
[00:45:26] Maybe not for you does it work for you. I put my dick in there and it sucks it up like an art work. Yeah
[00:45:37] Could energize you to so anyways, let's just if you don't know what crayton is
[00:45:46] East Asia yep the the kind of the spidery part of South Asia
[00:45:53] Yeah, so China, but snakes and spiders Chinese snakes and kicks boxing and that's what exactly yeah
[00:46:00] That's why the plants are even more fucking awesome their plants are wicked cool because they got to compete with the snakes
[00:46:08] Yeah, so it's a type of poison from Southeast Asia that they dry out the leaves and you chew on it
[00:46:13] There's a couple of different strains and if you go to get super leaf calm
[00:46:17] I'm sure they explain it to you. They sent me a bunch of the bags and yep. I'll be quite honest with you
[00:46:30] You drink it and it makes you chill the fuck out
[00:46:35] They have some of the highest quality shit in the whole goddamn universe, okay?
[00:46:47] Had not actually been a crayton guy prior to that I got it and every
[00:46:52] Every woman I know is like that stuff's bad
[00:46:54] Which means it's good and I tried it and I think it's good
[00:46:58] I think a woman says it's bad. It's good. Well, I think the women women were getting the garbage stuff because
[00:47:06] They don't know about cool shit like super speciosa as guys were they always are the first on the scene
[00:47:14] First on the scene of a crime so true all culture filters down from straight white men who were drug addicts
[00:47:21] Absolutely, we invented everything fucking rock and roll
[00:47:51] Doc Saints these were all things guys brave men
[00:47:55] Explorers of the mind invented well fucked up on Kratum from the get super leaf dot com
[00:48:02] They got they lab test their shit the movie men of honor. That's something that belongs. That's our culture
[00:48:08] That's male culture. That's male stuff. Let's see a woman have a honor
[00:48:14] Training day the movie training day. There's a scene where where Ethan Hawke
[00:48:19] He'd straight him he gets tricked into eating freedom by Denzel Washington
[00:48:23] Mm-hmm and then Denzel Washington famously tries to
[00:48:31] Let Latino culture that he was in the Heights diddling one of their
[00:48:36] The children right and then they find them then not only does he not but he was they actually find him to be cool
[00:48:43] Cuz he's done Kratum. They that movie is awesome. It's the best one of the best go to get super leaf dot com and use promo code
[00:48:52] To download a copy of training day off their website
[00:48:56] With a free purchase every time you purchase
[00:48:59] 3.5 ounce or however whatever the bag it yeah, it comes in a bag of the dirt
[00:49:05] Yes, it does which is I prefer kind of the dirt actually you know one because it had capsules too and the capsules are nice
[00:49:12] Cuz you just keep popping them pop them right in what I would really like is if they had peanut M&M's
[00:49:19] But they met me in the middle they heard my complaints and they said how about we give you a free copy of the movie training day
[00:49:28] And you do that you go there use promo code come town and you can download training day or
[00:49:34] Take the Kratum and then just stare at a wall and remember the movie training day
[00:49:39] Which is just as good which is just as good because you know if not better
[00:49:43] Kratum is one of those stare at the wall and feel heavy and kind of nauseous supplements
[00:49:48] Which is the kind that is perfect for me to get out of bed and faces disgusting fucking world that
[00:49:56] You know nobody wants to live in of course
[00:49:59] It's unless you have super super leave super leave super super specios
[00:50:05] speciosa that makes life worth living folks so get that here we go
[00:50:09] Are you an aging millennial new aches and pains?
[00:50:11] Cratum is great for pain relief. That's a thing if you hurt your back pull a muscle from all that fucking which I do I have done
[00:50:18] Yeah, I have I've never hurt my I got a Charlie horse in my ass one time that made me come inside of somebody
[00:50:24] And Kratum helps with that so your so your friend Charlie horse. Yeah, yes
[00:50:35] And I certainly hope because the guys cock was in your ass you came and other guys asked that you were fucking
[00:50:41] I'm certainly hope people don't call the moon tower comedy festival and demand to see the video of me getting fucked in the ass by Charlie
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[00:51:39] What new things can you do with the gym now that you take cratum and have all this extra energy?
[00:51:47] Cratum helps you write jokes. Oh, yeah, we've been you guys can probably tell we took a lot of crater before this episode
[00:51:54] Yeah, it's a super leaf. It's cousin coffee is just brown water and as you know brown means bad
[00:52:04] Right, I'm not gonna go. Cratum is like a lost family member that was recently discovered on 23 and me and now
[00:52:11] There's only now getting the credit it rightfully deserves
[00:52:15] Gratum comes in tea powder and capsules that you can put anywhere in your pocket and your backpack in your suitcase in your pussy
[00:52:22] It's very fun to imagine somebody still using a suitcase I
[00:52:28] So you wouldn't mean suitcase like a big old briefcase. No like a big fucking like oh, yeah
[00:52:38] Well, you consider that a suitcase to the what would you call that a roller bag? No, it's a case
[00:52:44] It's a rolly suitcase. Is that what you call them? I think so. Yeah, if I Google the word fucking suitcase right now
[00:52:51] I bet you those fuckers come up probably I just
[00:52:54] Instantly in my mind. I imagine like the big
[00:52:56] With the handle that you carry right? Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like a square like a bigger briefcase. Yeah
[00:53:04] Yeah, dude see you search you Google search suitcase. They all have fucking wheels. Yeah, I guess I just I called that like luggage or
[00:53:12] Yeah, I guess I call you I call my dick. Well, you know, I mean I think outside of the box is somebody uses
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[00:54:18] That's super leaf calm slash com town promo code
[00:54:23] This time it's listed as two words. So you got it you're gonna have to try both try both you fucking pricks
[00:54:28] But you can always go to get super leafs calm slash com town and I think it'll apply it automatically
[00:54:37] Please do not call the moon tower comedy festival and ask them if I won the little dick contest
[00:54:45] I got fucked in my ass by Charlie Horace. That's a good way to pretend you're not gay say
[00:54:53] Oh, yeah, I got I got Charlie Horace in my ass all the time. Yeah, you need a boyfriend named Charlie Horace
[00:54:59] Yeah, and you can be like I got I got a Charlie Horace in my ass and my mouth
[00:55:07] What were we just talking about before that before we're talking about the cradums? Oh, we were talking about a Puerto Rican
[00:55:13] Oh the Guatemalan in the Heights movie. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty. Oh, no
[00:55:23] So rocky horror Latino show that's right
[00:55:27] That was good for me. I put some more fun go in my ass
[00:55:31] I'm a transsexual transpanamanian fucking guys
[00:55:50] Wicked is the operative the opera wicked a musical. Yeah, I don't know what wicked's about I think it's about the
[00:55:55] Prequel the the witch from Snow White if she no, no, no, it's not it's about the wicked
[00:56:03] Butch of the West there we go if she had had a penis. She had a bigger pussy
[00:56:07] She had a big big old push big tits in a big push you got crushed by her house and then her dick curled up
[00:56:17] Dically curled up that would be awesome. Yeah
[00:56:20] Damn, I would fuck a green bitch with big tits in a green penis. Honestly, dude
[00:56:28] You know I like I thinking about it and it's like if if that green bitch was banging
[00:56:33] Mm-hmm even though she had the fucked up face. Oh, yeah in fact, I might like it. That's what I'm saying
[00:56:40] We can which of the West yeah, let's let's Google image green
[00:56:44] Which you look at her and she looks like you know, she's like my dad does some finance shit
[00:56:51] I don't even know what it is. Right instead of makeup for it. I'm just like sucking dick and I go to tish
[00:56:58] Yeah, I wonder who the actress was I wonder what she looked like
[00:57:01] I'm well time for that classic moment in downtown where we look up
[00:57:13] Yeah, actually the witch looks worse than I'm remembering
[00:57:18] Some bitch named Margaret Hamilton. I'll take it back although a Dean of Menzel played her in wicked and I would fuck a Dean of Menzel
[00:57:26] Me lacunas played her in some bullshit version
[00:57:32] Me lacunas is a funny name miss Piggy. I'd fuck miss Piggy Mary J Blige. Yep needle a Kunis
[00:57:40] Yeah, me like you pussy me like you penis
[00:58:02] Yeah, I take it back the bitch the plate Margaret Hamilton could actually not get it
[00:58:07] It's a different Margaret Hamilton from MIT from back in the day
[00:58:12] Is an American computer scientist systems engineer and business
[00:58:16] I think this is this you're looking at no that bitch is hotter than the actress to play the wicked witch in the west
[00:58:26] What is the fucking Wizard of Oz where the fuck wrote that shit
[00:58:34] Yep, I'm looking it up right now. It's Francis Scott Dorner. Oh, yeah, this woman is serious
[00:58:41] She actually looks better with the fucking nose on yeah, I don't know in that picture
[00:58:47] She didn't look that maybe on like a just a sloppy weekend
[00:58:51] You know I'm talking about yeah, absolutely just oh, I'm not saying I haven't fucked worse looking
[00:59:05] Come on, I know I know how the fucking world works man, let me see that pic
[00:59:10] Yeah, you know I guess I could fuck her with that little bonnet on
[00:59:15] Feel like I'm fucking the maid like the way Arnold fucked his ugly maid
[00:59:19] Yeah, I feel like I was bonding with Arnold. She's really barely hanging on a lot of these pictures. Yeah
[00:59:28] We're gonna have to keep you in the time machine. Sorry Margaret Hamilton
[00:59:32] I mean out of the time out of the time machine no one's coming back for that weird pussy
[00:59:37] Yeah, you got a thinker pussy was not well maintained
[00:59:42] I would just I would immediately go back to biblical times
[00:59:46] And then just come out with a big beard and my staff out of my time machine
[00:59:49] I'm like God said all the women have to suck my day
[00:59:55] All the women if you went biblical times they'd probably be fucking heinous though, dude
[00:59:58] Yeah, but I would cave bitches I would be I could trick them into thinking I was gone
[01:00:03] Did they even know how to suck dick back then of course?
[01:00:09] Yeah, the side of my size they probably had to have like the basis of all religion is that people were fucking too much and got like
[01:00:17] Just wild STDs and they're like we got to make up some kind of rules to stop people from to stop us because my dick fell off
[01:00:27] I don't want this to happen other people. Yeah, so we got to figure out we're gonna put it on women
[01:00:34] But we all get one, you know, I don't want to be the one just not so we all get one pussy
[01:00:39] I guess and we can everyone gets dips on one push you can still cheat a little bit
[01:00:43] But they're not allowed to fuck other guys. They can't even their whole fills with dick dirt
[01:00:49] Where I can beat my dick down down the river
[01:00:52] Yeah, I think my dick down the river slap it around the rocks get all the pussy's residue off it
[01:00:57] I'm clean. What's she doing with that fucking hole that hole you can't on what are you gonna dig the pussy?
[01:01:02] The dick dirt out no, thanks. It gets inside you. Yeah, it gets in your pussy cavern. It becomes a pussy wall
[01:01:11] What maybe once we invent the bronze age I can make a little tool to look up in there
[01:01:15] And figure out what's going on in fact, that's gonna be my job. I've decided that now as long as we're delegating everything
[01:01:22] I'm both the clown and the priest of society, but also the OB GYS
[01:01:26] Yeah, that's my role. I wouldn't want that I again. I think you're really
[01:01:35] How clean everyone is back like those pussies were fucked up, dude. Yeah, the pubic hair was wild. They smelled bad
[01:01:43] Somebody else gets to look at them if you if you want to ask me
[01:01:49] It is funny this is what you rather go back to I
[01:02:00] That's so funny. They were like yeah, we need a witch yeah, you guys find the ugliest bitch you can get just an absolute
[01:02:08] Fucking disaster. We're gonna pay to greed
[01:02:12] Where it's like trying your best there's nothing cute about it. Mm-hmm. Yeah
[01:02:18] At least she was alive back then though, you know
[01:02:20] I was opposed to what she get workers an ugly even ugly bitches on TV now have to be hot well
[01:02:27] was the last was already asked a movie before
[01:02:35] I don't know a ratatary. Oh, yeah, yeah, the little girl in the ratatary
[01:02:39] Like casting that being like yeah, we need a monster. We need a fucked up looking bitch. Yeah
[01:02:46] She's been others in other stuff hasn't she who the hereditary girl
[01:03:08] Even if you look like that she has also played Sally Brown in an off-Broadway production of your good name Charlie Brown
[01:03:14] Even if you look like that as long as you got
[01:03:24] You get to sneak on in yeah, I'm not gonna say anymore
[01:03:33] Read between the line you guys can draw
[01:03:35] Yeah, you can connect the dots on the shape. Yeah, maybe it's a some kind of story to triangles intersecting
[01:03:45] We maybe we can't say for sure. Yeah, but perhaps
[01:03:50] Now I'm looking to track balls. Oh, yeah, let's find let's go find bitches from what I like to call a blast in the past
[01:03:59] Okay, how about that a blast in the past and it's bread and Fraser. He's like god Lee
[01:04:03] I made a time machine so I can go rape women from 60 years ago
[01:04:07] He nuts in them and then he meets his son
[01:04:17] Yeah, and he's like you rape my mom. It's like well. That was a long time ago. Well, I had a machine
[01:04:24] It didn't really feel like it and he's like well in your time. It's only been two weeks
[01:04:28] It's like yeah, well, that's as long as it took me to feel guilty and get over it
[01:04:33] So maybe when you make your own time machine son. Yeah, then you can you don't get it pal
[01:04:39] I made the time machine I get the pussy. I'm the time machine that was the deal time machine talks pussy walks
[01:04:58] So see you wouldn't want to be that be a great movie it would be really good blast in the past blast in the past
[01:05:08] About all the women that I guess you're assaulting
[01:05:11] Mm-hmm or a George and the jungle and I think I don't know well hold on to hear me out
[01:05:18] It's about a guy named it's George Brandon Frazier and he invents a time machine
[01:05:22] So he can the time machine also travel. It's not just time travel also go to different places
[01:05:29] So he sets the machine to go to the jungle back in like the 1930s or whatever back before it had been de-forest eyes
[01:05:35] Yeah, and he lives in the current time and you know, you can't really get away with using the n-word now
[01:05:42] Sure, so he's a time machine to go to a secluded jungle back in the night
[01:05:46] He wants to say it but in a little way well scream it. Yeah in a jungle back wall
[01:05:52] Does it have to be a jungle? Well, yeah, that's why it's George and the jungle. Okay, it's a good George
[01:05:59] Call why does he can I see this? Why does he want it to be the jungle?
[01:06:01] Because that's the name okay, why does he have to do in the jungle?
[01:06:06] Does he have my question is does he have racist motivations for the jungle?
[01:06:11] No, he just wants to scream the words and he thinks the jungle is the safest place
[01:06:15] He thinks the jungle in the 1930s during the rise of fascism and Hitler
[01:06:22] They're like all right. We can send one guy back to the third
[01:06:25] He's told they stole the he stole the time machine technology
[01:06:30] so there'd have been to be was being developed to
[01:06:35] Go back in time and stop Hitler and the right cause but it drops you off
[01:06:38] It has to go to a secluded place in the jungle because it will fuck up the time thread
[01:06:43] If there's any evidence of you like you can't just show up in Berlin people like oh time travels real right
[01:06:50] you're like yeah, I have to kill or stop Hitler right because then
[01:06:53] You know the Hitler was planning for that a lot of people know the Nazis their number one thing was like somebody's gonna
[01:06:59] Should come back and try to stop this yeah
[01:07:01] So that was actually a lot of people now they get into this thing about they go the Russians
[01:07:06] Actually going world war to know it was
[01:07:09] Nazi Germany was so worn down by internal time traveler battles that they didn't have the effort to
[01:07:21] So okay, so George George has to he steals the time machine
[01:07:26] And he goes he just gets in it and it takes him to a jungle in the 1930s
[01:07:30] And he doesn't understand why he's there because he actually never learned about the Holocaust
[01:07:35] He was too busy wanting to say the N word. Yeah, I mean he's a simple guy with simple pleasures
[01:07:42] And so he's like well, I guess they sent me back here to scream the n-word in the jungle
[01:07:48] You don't explore as I could good Lord sir what?
[01:07:56] And he's like I I don't know I got in this thing
[01:07:59] I think it's a time machine. I'm from the year 2021 and you're not I'll just say the N word in the future
[01:08:06] And I stole this time machine from Harvard
[01:08:14] Because in the future Harvard all the school they stop pretending. Yeah, and they're like now
[01:08:20] Renate bird society will name its kings
[01:08:24] And so things are named like Jewish Harvard or Jeffrey Epstein
[01:08:32] Because Bill wanted to honor his dead friend. Yeah, he left his wife to have sex with Jeffrey Epstein
[01:08:38] Whoa, that's what they got divorced is because Bill Clinton or Bill Gates
[01:08:42] Bill Gates and Bill Clinton were having
[01:08:47] Sex with Jeffrey Epstein. Yeah, and then once that ended he was like well
[01:08:50] There's no point in pretending to be married anymore. Anyways, what was the other dumb thing? I was walking through
[01:08:59] And the British guy, you know, and he's like well who are you and he's like well, I'm Lord Sherlock Holmes
[01:09:05] Well, you're a Jewish you like home time Sherlock Holmes. Oh, well, I'm captain
[01:09:12] Because you're Sherlock Holmes. Oh, well, I'm captain Sherlock Holmes
[01:09:24] And he's like are you that guy that beat his wife Amber Heard and he's like
[01:09:32] Oh, this is Johnny Depp and he's hiding out trying to escape he's hiding out in the 30s and he's like just
[01:09:39] A little thing about the time travel you're not supposed to tell people the time traveling it's okay with me because I'm also in the future
[01:09:45] Right, right and I stole the time machine from Jewish UCLA
[01:09:51] And they all go back to the 30s because they're supposed to stop Hitler because all they've completely
[01:09:56] Programmed it to stop the Holocaust. Yeah, but I've I could just drop you in this jungle
[01:10:01] Which I've been using to pretend to be my character captain Sherlock Holmes
[01:10:07] And you're clearly here to just scream the end work
[01:10:12] But together we can team up and this is where this is where you actually get a story out of the thing. I love that
[01:10:20] To combine on interests and you can say the inward but in like a pirate character
[01:10:25] Right and so then he becomes black beard the n-word saying pirate of the jungle
[01:10:32] Wow, yeah, and so are they gonna stop Hitler or are they just chilling out?
[01:10:37] No, neither of them really have any particular interest in stopping Hitler because they saw what happened to UCLA and Harvard and
[01:10:47] He gets another chance. Yeah, maybe we'll just like obviously Hitler is gonna fail anyways, right
[01:10:52] Why does that go back in time to stop Hitler and it's like stop Hitler from what they lost the war?
[01:10:57] I think you could say did a nice amount of damage while losing the war though like what?
[01:11:05] Well, I think you could say the Holocaust, but the Jews won the Holocaust I
[01:11:13] I wouldn't I wouldn't use the phrase the Jews well they won that camp Scott shut down saying to go back in time to stop Hitler to
[01:11:20] So that what okay, so now the premise is we need to invent time travel. So no Jew ever dies ever
[01:11:29] I mean, I think there's a stark difference between
[01:11:36] The Jew dying of natural causes six million being rounded up into camps. Let me get this straight
[01:11:42] And then yeah, that's the stop Hitler from from doing what exactly
[01:11:51] It's just the guy at the time travel meeting okay
[01:11:54] Oh, there's no other stuff we could do with it. That's the thing is to stop a guy that we know failed
[01:11:59] He failed, but I guess the twin towers did go down, but those that's not a big deal. Yeah, we shouldn't stop that from happening. Yeah
[01:12:07] Okay, I guess we see who runs everything here. Yeah. Yep. That makes sense to me
[01:12:15] I'm over here saying we could very easily go get different type of pussy
[01:12:23] We can go see what pussy was like no one wants to try and see what 1910s
[01:12:28] Malaysian pussy was like it's all this like let's assassinate people and all this fucking evil shit
[01:12:34] The cause the cause the problems that we're in right now
[01:12:38] I'm saying we go back to fucking 1412 and get some like
[01:12:44] Some like some Saxon pussy some sex. Yeah, dude
[01:12:51] I'm trying to go to the globe theater and sexually assault women on stage and make the audience think it's part of a play
[01:12:57] And then I steal off into the night. I'm trying to steal off into the night. I'm trying to look
[01:13:06] Everyone says people used to be shorter. Yeah shorter people probably have smaller pussies
[01:13:12] Send me back to ancient Greece. Let me fuck a little tiny
[01:13:16] Their dicks or small. What if I have like a what if I go to age? What if I have the biggest dick of all time? What if in 10,000 BC
[01:13:23] I'm just a fucking monster. Yeah, what if I
[01:13:29] Send me back. I want to be the Peter north of prehistoric fucking send me back there, dude
[01:13:34] What if I'm blowing the biggest loads they've ever seen
[01:13:39] And this is this is how I made it on the board of Jewish Harvard
[01:13:46] I'm trying to play devil's advocate here. And how about this? Okay
[01:13:52] Send me back to fucking ancient Japan. Yeah, now it's a time now. I got double the advantage
[01:14:07] And I want to see if I can get my penis in one of the frames of the zaprud
[01:14:20] That would be awesome. I would love to you know what I've changed my mind on the biblical pussy thing. You did you write this whole time?
[01:14:27] We yo this was almost like you had the answer and then we had to solve for it
[01:14:31] Yeah, we had to prove how you get back. Wait, what came around for you?
[01:14:36] The fact that your dick is probably much bigger. Oh, yeah, you know, that would be cool
[01:14:42] As rank as that pussy probably is it would be cool to have the biggest dick. Yeah, they're the fuck through her sheets
[01:14:48] Yeah, and you think about who's closest to biblical times
[01:14:53] Probably the hisseeds. No, they're not at all. Yeah
[01:14:57] No, they're like from the 1800s. Yeah, but that's closer to biblical times. Who else is older?
[01:15:03] The Amish maybe the Hamish and the hisseeds are the same thing. Yeah, you're right. They're Christian out
[01:15:08] They're Christian last season Jewish. Well, I gotta blow my nose again. So if you want you go to cum.town
[01:15:14] By t-shirts or patreon.com slash cum. Yeah, go to patreon.com slash cum time. Go to stopby.biz
[01:15:21] We'll be announcing some tour. We'll be announcing some new shirts all the good shit over there
[01:15:26] And go to Rochester this weekend. Please we could really use you
[01:15:30] Uh, it's my first weekend out on the road. I would love to see as many people there as possible