Cum Town | Regular | 11/10/2021
[00:00:00] But we could come by tomorrow night if you guys were jiggy.
[00:00:12] And when you coming back tomorrow night, tomorrow.
[00:00:18] I mean, we, we could get a hotel room on the company dime, but
[00:00:28] We booked a place that has four bedrooms.
[00:00:59] You're worried about your carbon footprint.
[00:01:02] They know we're all driving separate cars.
[00:01:09] And it's just fucking jet set hypocritical millionaire.
[00:01:16] I'm going to drive both of my cars up there.
[00:01:17] I'm going to drive the one car 15 feet.
[00:01:24] I'm involved over it. Do you stop trying to now?
[00:01:50] So yeah, if we're doxing people's cars,
[00:01:52] Nick's driving his car, the Oscar Mar we remove.
[00:02:12] But there's a bunch of bells and shit decal on the back
[00:02:17] But also it's dedicated to my friend, uh, Niko Rivera.
[00:02:33] Dude, I was I was driving around the other day.
[00:02:35] That's a beautiful tribute, by the way.
[00:02:43] You know what the reads are for this episode?
[00:02:48] Remember I said set the papers aside and you said,
[00:02:51] I'll remember what the fuck do you remember?
[00:03:10] But they were having like I'm going to get you.
[00:03:12] If I read your guys's ad reads this month, can I have revenue?
[00:03:18] You can have a cushy dreams pre-roll though.
[00:03:20] Well, you get paid the gas rate for the show, which is $12.75.
[00:03:35] I'm still making minimum wage six years now.
[00:03:38] You guys should get SBA loans for this.
[00:03:43] Then 2020, the free government money that was really boring.
[00:03:55] They gave him 100k, and he was like, I don't feel right.
[00:04:06] He got one of those loans, and then immediately put it
[00:04:09] into the crypto in the stock market, made a shit ton of money,
[00:04:16] And then he just killed himself last week.
[00:04:25] He was like, I'm going to make $100 million.
[00:04:28] And then he lost 15 pounds and killed him.
[00:04:42] Eight cripple across face them to death.
[00:04:47] And these fucking jimokes for like 20 minutes,
[00:04:51] their conversation was whether or not they think it's safe
[00:04:57] And they're like, you have to be out of your goddamn mind
[00:05:01] to walk around to Boston to go to Fenway wearing a Yankee.
[00:05:04] That's where like boomers talk about like Brooklyn.
[00:05:09] They're like, if you get downtown Brooklyn,
[00:05:11] you step out off the bus, gun in your face,
[00:05:25] You brought me to the most dangerous city in America.
[00:05:28] Yeah, when I've been doing the road, that's so funny.
[00:05:30] Because all they do, all people do that.
[00:05:35] every time I'd go to like some kind of vaguely conservative
[00:05:37] place, somebody would be like, so New York's a war zone.
[00:05:40] And then it's like cut to me like having like yogurt parfaits
[00:05:48] They're all talking about how the cities are violent now.
[00:05:52] Yeah, the Whole Foods on 14th is an absolute war zone.
[00:05:56] I've seen some crazy shit of that Whole Foods though.
[00:06:00] The upstairs was like a kind of like a Penn station vibe.
[00:06:03] Yeah, I see a lot of junkies knotted off.
[00:06:07] I saw a junkie bought one of those Palm pomegranate things.
[00:06:17] You're talking about the one at Union Square?
[00:06:19] I've only been there to use the bathroom.
[00:06:22] Well, the upstairs like food hall section,
[00:06:24] he was like waddling around like almost falling.
[00:06:33] And he just dropped it all over a woman.
[00:06:38] No, he was holding a pomegranate juice.
[00:06:46] There were so many junkies in Salt Lake City.
[00:06:49] Like, how's Elsie Punk doing the like the fucking,
[00:06:52] you know, they had like little tents to each shit.
[00:06:54] They had little tent cities under the overpat, like freeways.
[00:07:07] They're just riding around homelessness for a whole lot.
[00:07:09] Like how you say like it's like a novel.
[00:07:13] Dude, but it was like all these other people.
[00:07:16] I went, I walked from the hotel to Target.
[00:07:19] It was like a 30 minute walk on those big ass fucking.
[00:07:27] And you look at the grid and you're like, oh, it's a block away.
[00:07:32] It's all off of the temple in the middle of the city.
[00:07:37] to where it is in relation to the temple.
[00:07:40] Did you go to the temple and charge up?
[00:07:44] I put the underwear on, but I cut a dick hole in.
[00:07:52] I'm going to open up like a liberal version
[00:08:00] Yeah, I'm going to open liberal black rifle coffee.
[00:08:09] Everyone that works here is a veteran fag.
[00:08:14] There's a black kid in their ass by a black man.
[00:08:16] We've all survived being fucked and vicious.
[00:08:25] He's like, I blew my back out and fucking, well, not a rack.
[00:08:43] Why the fuck can I think of it right now?
[00:08:45] It's like the most famous gay bar in LA.
[00:08:51] No, it starts like, I said it because it sounds like a rack
[00:09:02] Andy, you're a fucking piece of shit, dude.
[00:09:15] When I enlisted in being gay, it was the proudest I'd ever been.
[00:09:23] Didn't one of the SEAL Team Sixes that killed Bin Laden for the transition?
[00:09:27] Yeah, I remember like, yeah, they're all like, we're all, I'm trans.
[00:09:31] Yeah, I killed Bin Laden and Nahma fucking lady.
[00:09:36] I wish Chappelle would have covered that.
[00:09:41] I don't know why he walked this special.
[00:09:45] I didn't get to the part where he like said all the stuff that everybody's upset about.
[00:09:49] I didn't watch it, but wasn't the point he was making that like.
[00:09:52] That's what's funny about comedy specials.
[00:09:53] Black people are also minorities and that they like minorities should all realize that
[00:09:58] No one watches it, nobody gives a shit, but that's what's funny about comedy specials.
[00:10:01] A lot of you all controversial like this because it probably was five minutes of the thing
[00:10:04] and then the rest of it's like, what the hell happened to hot pockets?
[00:10:14] I actually, I thought of the same premise as the premise.
[00:10:19] Yeah, I was like, yeah, I thought of that.
[00:10:24] He's like, yeah, you tell me you chop your cock up and into a pussy and that's normal.
[00:10:35] Why don't you put a diaper on and piss in your pants, you fucking freak.
[00:10:38] The fuck do you need to use a bathroom for?
[00:10:41] I'm sure that'll make you come kill two birds in one stone.
[00:10:44] You were killing doing that a funny mom.
[00:10:46] I was like, you're going to bring your Frankenstein pussy over to the kids room.
[00:10:52] I'm just alive, better not be around me, pal.
[00:10:58] No, I actually, I got in this conversation with somebody and it's very offensive.
[00:11:06] Was that no one listens to show anymore?
[00:11:11] This is, Chappelle's thing that was really controversial was that trans women are like
[00:11:17] And so it's like the equivalent of blackface for women.
[00:11:22] And I don't, I don't know, like it's obviously very offensive.
[00:11:26] I know that like people are pissed about it, but I also don't know why people can be like,
[00:11:31] And then they just are like a, like a carrot, like what they think a woman is.
[00:11:40] That's because actual women, or cis women, don't know what the fuck they're doing either.
[00:11:46] In some way, in some way, in some way, in some way.
[00:11:47] And being bad at being a woman is more woman like...
[00:11:51] If they killed it, you know, I mean, trans women are the actual, the purest form.
[00:11:56] I told them that, sir. I knew a guy that transitioned, but it was like clear.
[00:12:00] It seemed like he only transitioned because he heard that that was a thing that was going on.
[00:12:03] Yeah. And he was doing it. My friend told me, I don't second, he was doing like,
[00:12:08] he was doing like girls night where there'd be one night out of the week.
[00:12:12] He would be a girl and he'd invite people over.
[00:12:14] But these are people that would have known him for 15 years and be like,
[00:12:20] Because your TV, which is the idea of pretend to be like fucking helpless or whatever.
[00:12:26] And this is a guy with like facial tattoos.
[00:12:28] I don't know how to log on to my FTP to buy guns.
[00:12:38] I want to meet a trans woman that just transitions to a woman,
[00:12:42] but then is the biggest butch dyke in the world.
[00:12:50] You're more manly than you were when you were a man.
[00:12:52] The Navy SEAL guys are close to that, but then they're just, they all look like, you know,
[00:12:56] they'll get like, they dress like Hillary Clinton.
[00:13:00] They'd be sick if one of the Navy SEAL guys was trans while he killed Osama Penh.
[00:13:24] That was the best detail that he jacked off.
[00:13:28] I love that Chris Pratt killed him in that movie.
[00:13:35] Have you guys ever had an operator on there?
[00:13:40] Some special forces got an email from me.
[00:13:45] And you wanted to know if you could give him a shout out
[00:13:49] And then I just sort of close the email.
[00:13:51] So tell him you don't care unless he's trans.
[00:13:55] But a trans operator is a pretty good cover.
[00:14:01] I don't remember how the rest of the day
[00:14:04] I don't remember how the rest of the day
[00:14:12] I was listening to a shot at it in the car.
[00:14:16] And I saw a black guy wearing like his it was a gay black guy.
[00:14:22] So you know, the cutting edge of fashion.
[00:14:24] If he was British, the world would blow up.
[00:14:34] So they were just held on because how tight they were.
[00:14:38] So he put the top on and then put the sleeves on.
[00:14:41] There's a brand that makes those pants shut up.
[00:14:51] You know, if I had a gun right now, I'd shoot you right in the fucking.
[00:14:53] Well, I'm glad that we're in New York City.
[00:15:03] If I had a gun right now, I'd shoot a female director
[00:15:10] Damn, I wonder how drunk Alec Baldwin is right now.
[00:15:17] There's a picture of him with her husband and child.
[00:15:20] It turns out the person on the set responsible for making sure the guns didn't have real
[00:15:29] You look at the whole story and it's like, can somebody explain to me what actually went
[00:15:39] I'm supposed to be upset about this because it sounds like we're right back to where
[00:15:41] we started here that women don't really, you know, they're bad at everything.
[00:15:47] I don't feel like I have the space to speak up.
[00:15:52] If only Alec Baldwin hadn't talked over her in a meeting, then yeah, that other lady would
[00:16:01] So women being a dumb bitch, he led to the murder of an innocent person.
[00:16:06] I didn't listen to it, but apparently it was like some 22 year old girl was like the
[00:16:15] The AD got fired because there was another thing where you had like a gun hurt.
[00:16:19] I don't know if it was live ammunition though or like the gun going off, like spooked somebody
[00:16:25] Is that normal to have live ammunition on the show?
[00:16:31] I don't know where it was like they also had to get like a like the crew wasn't union
[00:16:36] So it was like there's a ton of shit that people walked off.
[00:16:38] They were like cutting hell of corners.
[00:16:44] Yeah, I don't I don't I haven't looked into it, but I don't understand how live ammunition
[00:16:48] It wasn't I thought it was a fucking blank.
[00:16:54] I think it would have to hit you like this close.
[00:16:58] I think the bullets got gunpowder in the cartridge and then the bullet part on the top is like
[00:17:06] In a blank, I'm pretty sure it's just like it's paper or something that holds the gunpowder.
[00:17:11] Yeah, it's just because it's like a force of the air or whatever.
[00:17:14] But you know, it's not I don't think he like held the gun to her head and shot her with
[00:17:29] No, that's that's the best part of the whole thing is that he was doing a bit.
[00:17:34] He's like, you want to do another fucking take?
[00:17:42] Do you think her hilarious is speaking in her Spanish accent or her American accent to
[00:18:01] So all of a sudden she was like, maya, mo y la.
[00:18:09] No, I think that the shappelle bit could have seen in a different way potentially just be
[00:18:18] So you say if we're going to allow this, we should allow blackface also.
[00:18:21] Well, I think that there was a wasn't there like a legitimate argument around when trans
[00:18:32] Dolls all said or somebody said they were trans racial and there was people that were
[00:18:35] legitimately going like, okay, well, if we're going to let them do that, we should.
[00:18:40] Literally, the only reason that's not valid is because it didn't like originate on some
[00:18:46] Dolls all was 20 years old and like fucking fat and going to Oberlin.
[00:18:55] Well, don't you think these people if they could have, they would have done all those
[00:18:59] women you're describing would try and be a different race?
[00:19:02] No, because the window for that was the early 90s.
[00:19:06] Is it race just as much of a social construct as gender?
[00:19:11] And it's our job as comedians to answer these questions.
[00:19:15] And to walk, walk comics or walk America back from the ledge.
[00:19:21] That's what Chappelle said at the comics ball.
[00:19:29] That's why jumpers by third I blind plays.
[00:19:41] It'd be great if the transphobic special had come from David Schwimmer.
[00:19:47] And he was have nowhere to be seen that he released a Netflix special that's like, you're
[00:19:57] And people are like, David, go back to wherever you were.
[00:20:03] Dude, when I was like, I don't know, this is like probably like eight years ago.
[00:20:07] Actually you guys were probably still in DC.
[00:20:09] I opened for Dave Foley at draft house.
[00:20:16] I remember I did the open mic that night.
[00:20:32] Hey, my name is Chris from US AutoCare.
[00:20:44] So but Dave Foley is like doing this like he has to do comedy because he is alimony.
[00:20:57] Well, I'll just say he had a closer that was just like.
[00:21:03] He had to keep working because he had a terrible divorce settlement, right?
[00:21:06] His divorce settlement was when he was on news radio.
[00:21:13] But he his closer when he was doing stand up because he'd never done stand up was just
[00:21:35] I think he watched like a little special.
[00:21:38] It's funny because it's like all these old dinosaur comedians that like have no problem
[00:21:42] of shitting all over anybody that gets in trouble now.
[00:21:45] Like we're all that they all had that mentality.
[00:21:50] They were all just that person until 18 months ago.
[00:21:55] And then yeah, and then if you make a big like public apology and fucking, you know, self
[00:21:59] flagellate, as long as you're already in, right, and then the process of cancellation becomes
[00:22:06] this like calcifying or hardening thing that solidifies your position forever.
[00:22:09] And then you become an authority in which you get to determine when people are actually
[00:22:13] Because it's what happened with Megan Amram.
[00:22:16] It's like they went for Megan Amram and it's like, you know, she's already like made.
[00:22:20] So she got, yeah, she got in trouble for making fun of Asians.
[00:22:24] And then she apologized and then other rich white women accepted her apology.
[00:22:30] And now she gets to decide like who, you know, right, right, right, fucking say, sorry.
[00:22:36] I think we should all come together to accept that rich white women are the problem.
[00:22:44] You ever do that at home with the wife?
[00:22:45] She's right, but you just say like, I was saying, but the big, big, big, big deserves
[00:22:50] not to have like anything happen for that because she's good at her job.
[00:23:05] Her grandfather would just have the NSA just a gas leak would happen to the counselor.
[00:23:15] I'm talking, I married into some real bad ass shit.
[00:23:20] I went ski shooting with my father in law.
[00:23:23] Imagine them all as like the dad from Fargo.
[00:23:30] It's like Fargo family and then kind of a mix with succession.
[00:23:37] Like there's one sister that the dad doesn't get along with.
[00:23:40] Adam was dumped by one of the actors in the succession.
[00:24:01] Anyway, we want to tell you about Blue Chew.
[00:24:03] This episode is sponsored by Blue Chew.
[00:24:08] Blue Chew is making waves and bringing more confidence to the bedroom by offering chewable
[00:24:11] tablets that can help get men stronger and longer lasting erections.
[00:24:16] If you want to impress the former Secretary of Defense with your hard ass penis, you're
[00:24:23] Blue Chew is a unique online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra
[00:24:27] and Cialis, but in chewable form and at a fraction of the cost.
[00:24:31] Blue Chew's tablets help men achieve harder, stronger erections that combat all forms
[00:24:35] of ED, which is short for erectile dysfunction.
[00:24:39] Also, you'll come like a Dunkaroos Dipper container.
[00:24:52] But when you guys were in the block for your ass, pink, pink, pink, pink.
[00:24:58] When you guys were in the Bodega, I took a pee and I think I do legitimately think my
[00:25:03] I'm having a small day for just today, just today.
[00:25:16] Dude, last year's so I got like ripped.
[00:25:20] I was also taking crank it. I was taking cold showers all the time and I'm doing when it hit winter
[00:25:25] It was ice cold take a 10 minute cold shower and it just fucking evaporates your dick
[00:25:32] Like looking like a statue jerk off to your balls ever like go up into your groin
[00:25:39] No, that used to happen. I don't know. I'm supposed to happen
[00:25:42] I've never know all my systems. They stop working when I bust my balls
[00:25:46] You know, you're not supposed to be able to pee with your dick hard. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you got to do a vast difference
[00:25:50] Yeah, but you gotta like learn you learn how to do that now. It's I can piss hard. I can I calm when I shit
[00:25:59] Sometimes it's like I got rock about the bus and I piss all over the place. It's like
[00:26:03] All the different the systems they they don't yeah
[00:26:08] Blue shoes and online prescription service. So no visits to the doctor's office. That's awesome
[00:26:13] No awkward conversations and no waiting in line at the pharmacy and it ships right to your door in a discrete package
[00:26:20] That's the process is simple sign up at bluechoo.com
[00:26:23] Console with one of their licensed medical providers and once you're approved you'll receive your prescription within days
[00:26:32] Blue shoes licensed medical providers work with you to find the right ingredient and strength for your prescription
[00:26:37] Don't like swallowing pills. No problem at all. Fuck it pussy
[00:26:44] That's why you can't fuck is because you're too much of a coward to swallow a pill
[00:26:48] Yeah, if you can't swallow pill, how are you gonna get pussy dude? I take 15 pills every morning. I have a no water
[00:26:53] I have like a one of those Monday Tuesday Wednesday boxes that you give your grandma, but it's only blue
[00:26:59] Ching yeah blue shoes seal dentifil into dalafil
[00:27:06] Tablets are chewable tablets are made in the US and they prepare to ship direct
[00:27:11] So it's cheaper than a pharmacy. So if you could benefit from extra confidence when it's time to perform sex
[00:27:17] Visit bluechoo.com for more details and important safety information
[00:27:21] Here's a special deal for our listeners you try bluechoo free when you use our promo code come town and check out
[00:27:28] And you just pay five dollar shipping that's bluechoo.com
[00:27:32] Promo code come town to receive your first month free. Wow do we think bluechoo?
[00:27:40] much this you podcast we're we thank you and that dude can I get let's
[00:27:50] Do you need do you need help you get your dick or Andrew? No, man? You see your lean guy. You're a good shade
[00:27:55] I just think about injustice you're dick gets hard my dick gets hard and think about fighting
[00:28:02] My dick starts to get hard. I think my her name was Sandra Bland
[00:28:18] My thoughts yeah, you're saying about loud
[00:28:23] Just paint a giant mural of a man's legs
[00:28:26] Gein ecologist style wide open and the names of all the victims in the dick
[00:28:31] And you put that just like in a city wall
[00:28:34] And then people are like what the fuck is it?
[00:28:37] He thinks he can't get his dick hard because of the names you can't see it
[00:28:42] But a hot woman is off off mural because you a lot of murals are really taking chances that one on in like bush
[00:28:48] We've got like tourist mural tours. Yeah, Jeff
[00:28:54] Fucking gay that's where I have to pick up trucks and there's always like a group of like Italians being like
[00:29:03] And there's also there's also a ton of guys shooting music videos in front of those
[00:29:09] Yeah, we were looking for like a studio to do this show and I looked at a place in Bushwick
[00:29:14] It was basically like a puppy mill for rap videos. Yeah, there's just on every other room in there was a guy like millions of dollars
[00:29:23] Just smoking. Yeah badly. I got stacks stacks all the stacks
[00:29:28] Oh, have you guys noticed this that people are just selling weed on this like
[00:29:33] My bodez egg is selling weed right now like when you walk through Washington Square Park. There's just tables of weed. Yeah
[00:29:39] Yeah, it's crazy pretty cool. It's like it's yeah
[00:29:42] I don't I'll never know what the law is
[00:29:45] With you know, I'm gonna get back into being a weed comic. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna be a dog Benson 2.0
[00:29:51] I heard Doug Benson tried weed when he was 58 years old
[00:29:55] Yeah, Doug Benson is 73 or something like that. He's only been smoking weed for about six years
[00:30:00] That's really made a career. What a fucking movie. He's also only seen about 30 movies
[00:30:14] Yeah, I always seen a Scott Pilgrim. Yeah, he's got a earpiece in when he does
[00:30:24] He's not even a man. Do you want to tell us about your your your surgery? Oh, yeah, you guys want to know about hair transplants?
[00:30:32] Yeah, maybe stop why they cut the back of your head. They don't do that anymore
[00:30:36] That's like the old style where they just cut a strip out and then they like take it
[00:30:41] It doesn't make sense that they would even do that anymore. I
[00:30:45] Got I was gonna go to Turkey because it's like 2k to get top of the line there
[00:30:49] Yeah, they actually have robots that do it
[00:30:51] But my wife was like my grandpa can't get you out of Turkey right now
[00:30:57] So it would be funny to get kidnapped by Isis trying to get a hair plumber
[00:31:04] I was the whole time I was laughing thinking like while they were like
[00:31:08] Anesthetizing me I was thinking about how funny it would be to die from complications of hair
[00:31:15] This is a video of a guy with a fucking machete to your neck and you're like, you know, I
[00:31:19] I pledge allegiance to America as a devil country hiding your
[00:31:28] I just don't want on the video. Yeah, the lighting is gonna harsh out here in the fucking desert
[00:31:33] You're gonna be a hostage is the worst hostage
[00:31:36] We can admit that no we can't because there's nowhere to hold the head. Yeah, that's true after you chop it off
[00:31:43] That's true. Yeah, I'm like when you guys come and you pick it up by the hair
[00:31:50] You had a consultation. I don't need to have beautiful hair, but like would you ever consider it?
[00:31:55] I don't know where your top stop can't go to Turkey though. It's a blood feud. Oh the Anatoly if they see my
[00:32:01] Latin they name they'll see my name. They'll fuck my plugs up. Yeah
[00:32:05] They'll fuck my hair. I would love to be the doctor that sabotages your hair transplants just start start his hair line
[00:32:22] People go to Turkey for the hair and then they go to like Colombia for like just massive teeth
[00:32:28] People come back. Yeah, they get like they get fucking I'm doing the Gary Bussy dude
[00:32:33] The e gene Carol down there in Columbia. Yeah, they have these dentists where like they do like a full package about the sexual fantasy
[00:32:40] Yeah, you come back you come back. You have these giant chompers
[00:32:45] They never look good. I did a bunch of these like Colombian
[00:32:49] these surgical dentists whatever have Instagrams and
[00:32:53] And you can like see their work. What's that your cat? Oh, I think it's him stops hands
[00:33:03] Sorry you derailed we were having a fun riff about Isis prisoners. Yeah, you're like, oh, I knew this thing about Colombia
[00:33:10] Yeah, they get teeth they get teeth surgery
[00:33:18] It was chill. I mean it's weird cuz you look at nice, dude. It's it's starting to work
[00:33:24] They take like one by one. So basically truth truth be told
[00:33:28] I mean I've forgotten that he had told me that you got by I did I
[00:33:31] I yeah, it's starting to grow in but I also don't remember you being bald
[00:33:35] No, it was like a more there was one pick on IG like right after you got married
[00:33:40] Yeah, I was like Andy's he got hitched now. He said fuck now. He's coming out
[00:33:45] Yeah, I said fucking on bull. I like shave my head during this worry
[00:33:50] This whore is stuck with me and there is like a circle here like that wasn't connected to the rest
[00:33:56] Oh, it was even full. Oh, it was like a rorschach
[00:34:00] That's tough and that's when I made the decision and I was actually on my way to Turkey and Rosebud was like we're going to
[00:34:06] Un-American we found a place in near Atlantic City Cape May. Oh, yeah, dude the turkey
[00:34:12] Was it literally because you were afraid you were gonna get in my eyes? No, I would I would literally go to rock off right now
[00:34:22] I don't have that kind of money and so I was like I was ready to go anywhere
[00:34:31] Yeah, that person but they're like they make it seem like they're doctors
[00:34:35] There's they're all like cosmetic snake oil sales, right?
[00:34:38] And they're cool that guy's I started to find gray hairs and I feel like my hair is all gonna go gray
[00:34:43] It was great. It looked like Hampton pretty soon. Yeah, it's like salt and pepper
[00:34:48] He had the best transformation I ever saw which I saw you know
[00:34:51] He moved to LA when we've the Austin didn't see him for probably a year and a half
[00:34:54] And then I saw him again and he had gotten his fat as like a 1700s French political cartoon
[00:34:59] That was I think it was like for one year, but there were one year he gained a hundred pounds
[00:35:09] And it was like it was funny because it was none of it was structural fat
[00:35:12] Yeah, right because he gained it all fast. He literally looked like he was in a fat suit
[00:35:17] It is all but that's what I mean. He looked like a like a dandy
[00:35:21] Dandy was all in his stomach so fun, and he would walk around, you know like the marquee
[00:35:28] Like giant body I remember because I went out to LA and my first guys I hung out with because you know, it's
[00:35:37] Like we're I was you know, we were talking about getting dinner or something
[00:35:41] You want to like go to like Taco Bell or something and I remember laughing because it seemed absurd like what do you mean?
[00:35:46] We're sober. Why would we go to the Taco?
[00:35:48] Yeah, I think he was in a loveless relationship and instead of having sex he would go and eat like five hamburgers every now
[00:35:56] Oh, man, but it was loveless. I think they were
[00:35:59] Sexless. Oh sexless. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, so I think he was eating his his coming
[00:36:08] This is one of those guys that like his he just never learned how to eat and then he hit 24
[00:36:13] He couldn't just eat like shit anymore. Yeah, it fell apart and especially out in LA when you're trying to like that town sucks
[00:36:19] There's nothing to do some hard there's nothing to do you can't you can't you can do is eat and talk to other people who are trying to be famous
[00:36:29] When is there gonna be a mass shooting in an alt show?
[00:36:34] Is it really starting the old people are starting to get angry. I feel yeah like they realize comedy sucks and it's worthless
[00:36:40] Yeah, and but they're also not good at it. So they can't use it as an escape from itself. Yeah
[00:36:46] I like all those guys are just getting jobs. They're too gay to do it. Yeah, they'll all get they'll be fine
[00:36:53] Well, everyone'll be fine. That's how life works, but I'm with you with the shooting
[00:36:57] I think it's gonna happen. It is it's gonna be some guy who couldn't get on a hot tub. Yeah
[00:37:02] It's gonna be it's gonna be some psychopath
[00:37:08] Yeah, who couldn't get on hot tub. Yeah, he's gonna fucking forgot about huh go boy
[00:37:14] But the whole time like somebody's gonna be trying to be stopping him like in a very like PC kind of way. Yeah, sir
[00:37:20] Please respect. Yeah, you respect the boundaries. I'm setting a boundary now
[00:37:25] Don't shoot me because I got a gun to someone's head and they're like, please can you social distance a little bit? Yeah, you put a match
[00:37:42] There's a bullet in my liver, but I want to deprioritize my pain as a white man
[00:37:48] Take up space by pop people to the front of the
[00:37:51] That would be the greatest is somebody is dying and they're like go take care of
[00:37:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I saw a black woman who who stubbed her toe running away from the gunfire
[00:38:10] Man and then they all hold the greatest visual ever are you are you living in New York, really? I live here
[00:38:17] I have never gone back to LA other than like I went back for pilot season two years ago
[00:38:22] Don't quarantine though. Did you guys leave or you just left that's we were out there cuz Rosie was shooting a show
[00:38:28] And then quarantine hit we were just kind of stuck and it sucked. Oh quarantine in LA seems so
[00:38:35] I mean I was walking down the street in Echo Park. This is like
[00:38:38] March April of 2020 and I was walking like a block away from a woman and she yelled put a mask on insane a block
[00:38:48] A city block. She was like could you please put a mask on?
[00:38:52] Insane. Yeah, that's what was worse. That should have been better cuz there's all the nature
[00:38:56] That's the show. They were also they were even gay or about it. The people I really makes me coughing
[00:39:01] Yeah, it makes me hope that the vaccines just fucking really fuck people up
[00:39:04] Dude, I think my third shot well that's there has to that's what it has to be there has to be some kind of breaking point
[00:39:12] What I want is shots one through three you're fine
[00:39:15] Maybe you get a little bit fucked up from three, you know, maybe takes 10 years off your life
[00:39:18] Yeah, but if you're one of these you need all five shots motherfuckers cuz that's coming
[00:39:23] Yeah, if you're not jumping off the train at five shots or whatever something like that
[00:39:27] Yeah, then you deserve like I hope the vaccines give you AIDS. I mean we'll probably have to get a booster every year
[00:39:33] I hope they start to have a thing every six months. Yeah fentanyl. Yeah, that'll be nice
[00:39:39] No, not every six months. That's what I have to be like. What do you mean you heard from where if you have to get you have to get your
[00:39:57] It's a good impression. It's a good impression. No, but he got like he's like in a Gina Karel video
[00:40:05] It's really funny. Yeah, I mean comedy really it just shows you can be just like just whatever
[00:40:12] He had a blog and it was like follow my journey to SNL
[00:40:16] It was like it was like very like hopeful. Yeah. Yeah, yeah
[00:40:21] Impressions guy and like I'm gonna work my ass off. He's a good impression. Yeah, I mean I fuck with it
[00:40:26] But it is funny that every post is like now he fully every single post. I love it. Yeah, but now Fauci is he was having sex with dogs
[00:40:35] Wasn't it? Yeah, that's how you came up with
[00:40:40] Fucking Clifford. Oh, yeah medical thing. That was an Italian thing. Yeah
[00:40:48] Because that is his clan actually has that on their crest. Yeah a man fucking a dog. That's awesome
[00:40:54] Have you have you been in the room with any war criminals?
[00:41:05] Was with my father-in-law and he's like I ran into George the other day in gas, but Rilla
[00:41:09] Oh hilarious like George W. Yeah, they just like we're at a hotel and then they just like walked into the I'm trying to
[00:41:18] My mother-in-law taught George W. You'd be crazy if you know George W. Bush
[00:41:28] George W. Bush smoked cushy dreams and Adam told us oh that
[00:41:34] George W. Bush famously a sober guy when he found God when he was born again
[00:41:39] Stop doing sniz stop drinking the W stands for where to where to weed
[00:41:44] It's a cushy dreams calm yep, and and specifically fake weed
[00:41:51] So he gets by entirely now on this product called cushy dreams
[00:41:57] This is what George W. Bush. This is the shit that the president smoked
[00:42:02] He was smoking all that cushy pack. I got the shit the government got
[00:42:05] Yeah, they specialize in extraordinary Baghdad
[00:42:15] Yeah, they specialize in extraordinary CBD rich hemp flour
[00:42:21] AKA bud and pre-roll joins join the group of adults and
[00:42:25] Presidents who are sick of vapes and gummies and want to smoke their CBD also some prime ministers. Yeah, yeah
[00:42:31] I'll be yeah, she's a lot of shins on the shins on the phone. She's on that seat
[00:42:37] Yeah, yeah, it's fucked up constantly. It's fucked up off push. It's around the sword. Yeah
[00:42:44] Around the sword. It's like I'm retired bitch
[00:42:49] They keep on having to replace his paper wall
[00:42:55] It looks like high quality marijuana it feels like high quality marijuana
[00:42:59] And guess what it tastes like high quality marijuana. That's so fucking
[00:43:03] Content is up to 20% which is some of the highest in the game
[00:43:06] And the attention to detail is noticeable in every beautiful really they got oh duels weed now
[00:43:13] Smoking your CBD is the most efficient way and quickest way to deliver CBD to your system. It doesn't get you high
[00:43:20] Independent lab testing shows compliance and purity and it's grown in California and Oregon each plant is hand-selected by a team of experience
[00:43:29] It's an alternative for people looking to cut back on smoking other things sounds pretty gay flower experts
[00:43:35] Yeah, yeah, it's gay guys. That's how you know is good
[00:43:39] Yeah, they love flowers so much. They've seen every rose and petunia and all that shit
[00:43:44] And now they're looking at weed he loves me. He loves me not
[00:43:47] This is slow cured for two to four weeks and every run is a small batch like Sam and slow cured
[00:44:01] Here's the deal folks they have two main product lines they have smokeable CBD flower which comes in a 3.5
[00:44:08] Can that's an eighth for you and eight for you player haters
[00:44:12] And pre-roll CBD joints and if you see the Arkansas Department of Health like vaccine
[00:44:19] Yes, I know they made this video to get people vaccinated and it's just this guy leaning on like a fucking like
[00:44:29] Caprice classic on like 24 and he's like look I'm out of the industries I sell things
[00:44:42] I'm out of you mean people all day selling things
[00:44:44] I'll let you for a second partner. Yeah, I guess I get saved as effective
[00:44:49] And you got to do you there are three lines in order
[00:44:54] There are three lines of rock red in order of quality private a reserve ultra premium and premium and then
[00:45:02] Beneath that there are six different specific strains
[00:45:05] That correspond with the different far different foods. No relax Joe Rogan's penis
[00:45:15] Create hustle energy and dream so go to cushy dreams calm spelled K U S H Y dreams and at checkout use promo code
[00:45:23] Come Town for 20% off smoke your CBD because you can marry on Cotillard
[00:45:29] Yeah, she's she she they grow it in her pussy
[00:45:34] She wrote the CBD in it she rips. She's so hot. Yeah, you ever seen that movie taxi
[00:45:41] Like the really old French one. I don't think so
[00:45:43] So it's like from the 90s and it's about like a guy who's a taxi driver
[00:45:47] They remade it with like Robert De Niro Jimmy Fallon and oh
[00:45:52] Yeah, but the French one rocks and you see a lot of Mary on Cotillard's boobs
[00:45:57] Well, I've definitely seen the screen caps then if that's the case because I have absolutely googled Mary and Cotillard
[00:46:04] It's sick though. It's so bad. It's very hard code retard code
[00:46:08] Redarian code read or read or do code read or do code read or
[00:46:14] Love to drink Mary and coochy tar you got me to do code retard
[00:46:23] I want to see that new excuse me young guy man do code retard
[00:46:30] I heard some French bitch got her tits out. I'm sure I'm still here watching his movies
[00:46:38] I bet I can kick his ass. Where the fuck is that guy?
[00:46:41] I'm trying to kick his ass. I respect him, but I want to see if I can beat that fucking boy's ass
[00:46:45] Yeah, I'm trying to get his I'm trying to get fucking up and get him to get me the bitch from even Steven's number
[00:46:51] I'm trying to fuck that bitch. Yeah, I know he know I know he's seen her pussy. I
[00:46:58] Went to the Steelers game the other day. That's what everybody sound like the pussy Steelers the push Steelers
[00:47:08] Ben is puffy Ben is puffy that boy shake. Yeah
[00:47:12] Good for good. He's not getting his power
[00:47:17] Right the hype is real about a primati brothers. It's there. I haven't oh dude regional fucking raw
[00:47:24] They are sort of the turkey to Baltimore's Greece. Yeah, Pittsburgh. So I'm I have regional
[00:47:31] rivalry has stopped me from getting get a prontia brother
[00:47:34] Go to the West Virginia location. So you're neutral terror. It'll have you it'll have you saying yin's in no time
[00:47:39] Yeah, you know it won't that's a dumb that's a dumb regional
[00:47:42] Affect yin's and they try to explain says yes. Yeah, and I should be canceled for that
[00:47:49] Yeah, cancel. I'm gonna start saying I'm gonna tell people that yin's means Koreans Jared Logan had a really funny
[00:47:55] Joke about it because he's from that part of the West Virginia
[00:47:58] Mm-hmm, and it's it's they don't say yin's there they say yunes
[00:48:02] Yunes and they're like goes. I'll give you an example of it in a sentence. He goes
[00:48:06] Younes wanna go sit in that puddle we sitting? Wow
[00:48:13] Yeah, dude, that shit is fucking stupid. I mean in Baltimore. They say use
[00:48:18] Yeah, you know really is perfect. Y'all works better than anyone
[00:48:24] Too many people claim they they grew up using y'all and also some of my friends are doing it also
[00:48:30] Where it's like we grew up together. You never said y'all growing up, but when I moved to Texas
[00:48:35] It's like it may it works better than you guys. Yeah, y'all sent makes way more sense
[00:48:41] Look whatever man you you deal with it you you can't you got a fucking deal with that yourself
[00:48:50] Yeah, they're like y'all and and because they're like
[00:48:53] I'll tell you exactly what happened Indian women found out about connay west in their last year at college
[00:48:58] Okay, and then they they then you know they started writing for the new republic
[00:49:04] Which point it was really yeah, I just it is weird anytime anyone starts talking different at 28. Yeah, it's just come on
[00:49:13] Y'all the white washing not even 20 even like single
[00:49:18] It is truly wild and I've made this point before but Indian women don't realize that they're based there there were white guys were in 1991
[00:49:25] Right, you're not like you're not being brought on the team. You're fucking like David Faustino
[00:49:30] Yeah, you're Scott con level. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. I'm with you bro. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they're late to the party
[00:49:36] Yeah, they're late to the pretending to be black party. Mm-hmm. Yeah, but they're having a good time there Michael rap report
[00:49:42] No, but he's an original is what you get Michael rap report is Michael rap report is like he's an original gangster
[00:49:49] You know, I never met like a poor Jewish person until I moved to the east coast like Michael rap report is Jewish
[00:49:55] That's hilarious, which is just so funny
[00:49:57] I never every Jewish person I grew up with was a doctor or an accountant
[00:50:02] Yeah, the kids. Yeah, no east coast. Ws. Jew trash. We never like I I never met a single person
[00:50:08] I remember the first time I met in Israeli and I was like, what is happening? Yeah, there's come bags
[00:50:13] Yeah, and like south shore long island Jew trash. Yeah. Yeah, there. Yeah both. That's gotta. That's gotta feel terrible to be Jewish and poor
[00:50:22] Yeah, what's the it's almost as bad as being white and poor. Yeah, yeah, but no, it's way more so much worse
[00:50:28] It's like it's like it's not even close. There's so many more white people than Jewish people
[00:50:32] It's like imagine you're a Jewish guy. You go to a place. You're like, I don't like my family
[00:50:36] We don't have any money for food and then people are like, oh, you don't have any money for food. Yeah, okay
[00:50:51] Yeah, being Jewish and poor is like like being peeped putagit like being gay and swagless
[00:50:56] There's plenty of gay swag with people, dude. Not not it not enough. Huh? It's like being a woman and not having big parrotits
[00:51:10] There's one girl. I knew there was so tragically flat-chested there was one time we're all hanging out in a apartment
[00:51:14] And she was trashed and she had like I don't know if she did it on purpose or what but she was like
[00:51:19] You wearing like a loose shirt and her like titty was her quote unquote titty was like completely out
[00:51:24] And literally no one was paying attention. Oh, that's brutal. I'm sorry for you ma'am if you're listening
[00:51:30] Yeah, I will say I like a small titty as well. I got this was like
[00:51:35] Yeah straight straight washboard. I I did grow an appreciate
[00:51:40] I dated a girl with some small titties, but they had a shape still a shape. Please. Oh, shape
[00:51:45] A shaveless multi and also I find if they're small
[00:51:49] They got all the sensation of a big-ass titty in one little titty. Well, they never you suck on a titty
[00:51:55] Why that's true, but they're never gonna lose uh
[00:51:58] Composure no those like composure. No, but you know what I mean like with uh
[00:52:02] You sometimes you're you're turned on by some big old floppers. Oh, you mean you don't lose your composure
[00:52:07] No, no, no, I mean like you are turned on by some big old floppers
[00:52:11] I'm listening. I'm sorry and then the bra comes off and they can like tuck them into their pockets. Absolutely. Oh, I see you mean
[00:52:16] Oh, man. Oh, you know, I like that because it makes a woman look sort of humble like oh
[00:52:27] It's like they're looking at the ground with their boobs
[00:52:29] Yeah, maybe we can fuck or something. Oh, yeah, if you wanted to be like kicking the ground. Yes
[00:52:37] Just throw it. Yeah kicks dirt onto her nipple because it's on the ground
[00:52:47] No, oh, I should I forgot to mention by the way if you have titties of any size
[00:52:51] You should come see me do stand up comedy this weekend or actually this I guess New Orleans is this weekend
[00:52:57] And when this comes out the day this comes out. I'm meant to fucking
[00:53:00] New York comedy festival and I believe by the time this comes out. I'll have announced that I'm filming my first special
[00:53:12] It's a one day come out buy some tickets
[00:53:15] We'd love to fucking sell that thing out. Oh, and I will be in Atlanta on the 19th
[00:53:21] Which will be announced by the time this comes out nice. I'll be in Tampa, dude
[00:53:25] Can I plug some shit? Yeah, I'm not doing shit. I ever again. That's great
[00:53:32] I would love to be in that position. A lot of people said I was dumb for buying a bunch of crypto three years ago
[00:53:37] Now, I don't have to fucking work ever again. That's awesome. Well, then we should stop the podcast. This is the last episode
[00:53:43] This is the last year. All right, really happy. It's been great. Uh, these I still need to do my plug. Oh, yeah
[00:53:48] Yeah, let's let Andy now. Let's have the show before Andy plugs. I'll be at the filly punchline
[00:53:52] November 6th and 7th hell. Yes, it's coming up before that. I think a filly punchline. What's that the end word? Yeah
[00:54:00] Honestly, dude, it's literally not coming out. It's this will be over. Oh, okay. This is you guys aren't even recording this
[00:54:09] I use this is coming out. Yeah, we'll be at November 10th and then I'll be at uh
[00:54:18] And then I have a podcast with my wife. Yeah, call it find your beach find your beach
[00:54:25] You already found your we say that a lot. Nice. Yeah, that's awesome. Like I found my bitchy woman
[00:54:30] She found her do you still like podcasting or you do it because you feel like you have to uh, I like it
[00:54:38] Uh, I don't really like don't it's not like explosive like we don't make like a giant patreon or anything
[00:54:44] So sometimes it feels kind of asinine. Yeah, we're just like, you know plugging away for
[00:54:49] I don't know. Yeah, what's like I did it. I never did this because I wanted to pike it
[00:54:54] I was dying to podcast. I thought that there'd be like a big leap
[00:54:58] You know, it's gonna try to piggyback off of my wife's fame. Right. How's it going?
[00:55:03] Horrible. I'm just undoing chores. That's it. You know what she should do
[00:55:07] She should try to be in one of these new James Bond movies. Yeah, right with her tits out
[00:55:11] That's what she should and they're talking about her mics. Sorry. Has she ever thought about being in one of these James Bond movies?
[00:55:17] Probably. Yeah, she should get the little gun the fucking what's that thing called?
[00:55:21] Saturday night's pg 7. Pp 7. Yeah, she should shoot me in the head while I come
[00:55:28] I mean, you know, it'd be pretty cool if if your wife killed you while you were busting so yeah, that'd be the best way to go
[00:55:33] Yeah, that is I'm an asker to kill me. Yeah, that's the best way brother
[00:55:42] Ain't nothing finer. If you love me, you'll do this you'll fucking shoot me whore
[00:55:46] Hey, but you got to do it the pp 7 because they'd be fucking badass
[00:55:56] That would be cool to pretend your James Bond failing on a mission
[00:55:59] I don't know how I want to die, but whatever it is. I need I want to have to be publicly fished out of something
[00:56:10] It's got to be like a lake. I want to be
[00:56:13] Like a small lake like a small pond in a park or a lot of families. They're trying to ignore it
[00:56:18] I want to be stuck to the bottom of that fountain in front of del fursco's
[00:56:26] The smallest amount of water possible is the funniest, but I'm gonna set it up when I walk into the fountain
[00:56:31] Like I'm like a houdini like the greatest escape
[00:56:37] Then you take a bunch of pills and fucking pass out
[00:56:40] I start foaming at the mouth. Yeah. Yeah
[00:56:43] All these people are like cheering me on and I just die and I ruin their vacation. Yeah, your body's just fucking shaking
[00:56:59] That's really good, Andy. Yeah, that's how we go. Yes. Yes. Yes failing in a david blane stunt is the best way to die
[00:57:09] If you get terminal cancer, that's how you got to go. Oh, yeah
[00:57:15] Yeah, I just explode. Yeah, there's some
[00:57:19] They're fucking power washing your fucking body off a bus. It'd be awesome. The tightrope walk your first step you slip
[00:57:34] And somehow like you fall and but then we have the camera tracking
[00:57:38] Yeah, you know like the 9-11 victims coming out of the towers, but you fall in your pants get caught in the plaid out
[00:57:43] Yeah, it rips your pants off and then you're just asked. Yeah, you're asking a little there's his ass
[00:57:48] And there's his little dick and there's his ass
[00:57:51] And he's hit the ground. I'm kind of amazed. Nobody's done a suicide on instagram live like a jump off
[00:57:57] I'm sure they have but it probably gets deleted immediately. Yeah, it's just on live week. Yeah. Yeah, they should I agree with you
[00:58:03] It's gotta be the thing is it just has to be bad for the algorithm. Yeah, who was good
[00:58:08] You know if that was getting people to buy crocs or whatever
[00:58:11] Yeah, we see that every fucking day. That's what you guys need to pivot to that pro suicide marketing. Yeah, that'd be awesome
[00:58:18] This is already a pro and a podcast. We had so much air online. Yes, it is
[00:58:26] Using you. Yeah, I think everyone should be fed. I'm actually on I think I'm on hour
[00:58:32] 14 in my fast. No, I'm 16. Yeah, you're fasting for what I just do intermittent. Oh
[00:58:37] Oh nice. You eat stop eat. What do you do eat stop eat? Yeah, yeah, I just do eight hours
[00:58:43] Yeah, but I don't go to the gym anymore
[00:58:47] Nice. Really? I can't afford it. I was going to equinox. It was too much. Oh, yeah. Have you been to equinox?
[00:58:53] No, but I want to it's so worth it 100 worth it. How much is it a month? 250 260
[00:58:58] I've heard that they have a they charge you based on weight. So if you yeah, oh, I'm fucked
[00:59:03] Yeah, but it does sound it's worth it though, right? I was just nice. I would go nice
[00:59:07] Two days of the week that I would go I'd go like four days a week two of those days
[00:59:10] I would go and just go to the locker room. Yeah
[00:59:15] Steen shower, you know, Lewis your friends with Lewis, right? Which one go miss? I'm not friends of them
[00:59:21] I had like a public feud with equinox because he kept getting propositioned in the locker
[00:59:31] Like to keep trying to have fucking gay sex with me in there
[00:59:34] Eat in the locker room. Yeah, it's gonna hurt my feelings if not enough guys want to fuck me in there, dude
[00:59:41] No, dude, because the guys that want to fuck me aren't at the gym
[00:59:43] Yeah, the gym guys aren't my kind of gay guy, but maybe they're the kind of like fit guy
[00:59:48] That's yeah, there's gonna be a fit guy. I'm really interested. No, they don't they know
[00:59:51] I was I was in a not the equinox case 24 hour fitness in LA like showering the one that's like next to the arc light
[00:59:58] And they have like between the showers they have like smoke
[01:00:01] Smoked me a glass. Yeah, and the dude next to me in the shower was just jerking off facing me
[01:00:14] And there's this little Latino guy just like I could see his a few folks
[01:00:28] No, I bailed I should have just been an alpha about it and just turned and ducked off Adam
[01:00:35] That would have showed it should have beaten in the death
[01:00:37] This is self-defense. Yeah, and then you're the bad guy. Yeah, you know, and then people start to get mad and
[01:00:44] Like you're faced so you beat him to death and there's a crowd forming in the in the locker room
[01:00:49] Yeah, and you're just facing like the sink area after you've murdered this man. Yeah, and it was like what's wrong with you
[01:00:54] This is homophobic, but then you turn around and you've put women's makeup. Oh, yeah
[01:00:59] Oh, my brain is tucked. Yeah, no, you're yeah. Yeah, and they're like checkmate innocent
[01:01:09] And the world turns another day not guilty or on
[01:01:14] Fuck well, that's gonna do for us folks. Thank you, Andy
[01:01:19] Podcasts go see Andy on the road and he'll probably you stav and I wherever we are
[01:01:24] Guy and can be congrats to solve on the special. Well, we're very proud of you. We'll see how do we'll see how it goes first
[01:01:34] I don't know all the bitches that show up. Are you gonna be in LA? Do you want to do it?
[01:01:37] I'm not gonna be in LA. If you find me out, I'll do it. Maybe all right
[01:01:40] I would like somebody good to open but your mail is out there. That's sure. That's sure. Yeah, you got mail sir
[01:01:45] I haven't thought about it. Thanks a lot. Thanks guys