Cum Town | Regular | 12/08/2016
[00:00:06] Long time, come town fan Seth Dickfield here.
[00:00:10] And I would just like to say that I am outraged at the last episode.
[00:00:19] And that's not why I listened to the podcast.
[00:00:25] You have any idea how much money that is?
[00:00:28] First of all, think of it in terms of pennies.
[00:00:37] How long it would take me to enjoy each and every one of those pennies?
[00:00:44] I'd say you give it 20 minutes each before I come in my pan
[00:00:54] I'm talking about a lifetime that I wasted on that terrible episode.
[00:01:12] I guess it's like, you know, it was just, it was a fucking last minute.
[00:01:21] I don't want to throw a Kurt's like, I still, Kurt's one of the best comics.
[00:01:27] But if we just had a boring conversation, the problem is, is like, I didn't, I, you know,
[00:01:34] I felt bad about all of doing all of this premium episodes where I'm like, yeah, we're just
[00:01:39] going to do us and I didn't bother to get any guests.
[00:01:41] Because early on, I was getting pretty big guests.
[00:01:47] You know, the Norton one got, there wasn't too many jokes in that.
[00:01:50] The problem with the Norton one is like, any time I'd say anything that I was trying to
[00:01:53] joke, Jim would be like, what do you mean by that?
[00:02:01] But, but no, why, why it's actually good that people don't like that is because now it
[00:02:12] The, the listener lost their privilege.
[00:02:15] And look, no, it's not the listener in loser privilege.
[00:02:23] You were supposed to be kicked off the show.
[00:02:24] That was a test to see if you could handle it without me.
[00:02:26] If you, you instead of me, one's got to go Adam.
[00:02:30] We promised the listeners and, uh, well, I'm off the show, but I'm just here right now.
[00:02:40] You were supposed to be the guests the first time that first time we had you on.
[00:02:46] The first episode, this was just supposed to be my show and stop was the guest.
[00:02:53] You asked me on the podcast if I wanted to do a podcast.
[00:02:59] I had a big, I had a big kiss cam, I had a kiss cam broadcast.
[00:03:03] I said, do you want to be on the podcast?
[00:03:12] So, and then stops got like, you got one more road date.
[00:03:19] We should fucking, we should do a little tour.
[00:03:22] Why just want, I've got some feature weekends.
[00:03:36] Me and Adam, we were laughing about, and it's like one of the hidden gems in DC is when you go to the Lincoln Memorial and you see people doing, they think those are the Rockies.
[00:03:48] I was like, Vikram, Vikram, get, look at me.
[00:04:00] People always get it wrong and Philly too.
[00:04:02] They do the city hall instead of the art museum.
[00:04:05] There's no, there's no big steps at city hall though.
[00:04:10] No, you said that because somebody called the art museum city hall.
[00:04:17] They don't know what that fucking building is.
[00:04:19] I saw a clip of Rocky without the music running up those steps and it sucks dick.
[00:04:25] It's just like some guy running up steps like grunting.
[00:04:28] Dude, I was in Philly one time and I saw a guy doing the Rocky Steps, which is already just like, I don't understand how you have, you can embarrass yourself to that degree.
[00:04:39] You know, that's like, was he in sweats?
[00:04:41] Yes, that was what I was going with that.
[00:04:49] Just some completely out of shape middle aged Italian guy.
[00:04:54] I'm like, I'm like Rocky from the movie.
[00:04:57] He stops halfway to drink a cup of marinara sauce.
[00:05:00] Just powers himself to the finish line.
[00:05:03] Italians, stop pretending like you know anything about exercise.
[00:05:11] You do some garbage five day split and do your steroids.
[00:05:18] God, if I did steroids, would I get jacked?
[00:05:21] No, because you wouldn't go to the gym.
[00:05:24] How often would I need to go to the gym on steroids to get jacked?
[00:05:29] Well, I mean, you don't really, yeah, if you put it together like a little four day split and started doing steroids, you could probably get in pretty good shape.
[00:05:38] Do you actually talk to the Guido at my old gym who would give people?
[00:05:43] I saw him one time he had the guy doing like the sample, like, you know, the sample session.
[00:05:49] He says, you know, not a guy that's maybe he was his client, but it was his first fucking day.
[00:05:55] This like meathead personal trainer who's really dismissive and shaded all his clients.
[00:06:00] And he was like training this like, you know, dude the whole day.
[00:06:03] And then towards the end of the day, I hear him too.
[00:06:06] And he's a here him like talking to the guy.
[00:06:08] He's like, you know, honestly, like, you know, I'm not going to lie.
[00:06:11] Like, yeah, I did cycle, but just to get to where I am.
[00:06:16] And now I just maintain, you know, what I what I built up by doing this by cycling.
[00:06:22] So to be to be completely honest with you.
[00:06:25] To be if I'm being completely honest with you.
[00:06:29] You know, and then like I'm like, I don't know why you would just advertise that.
[00:06:32] If I tell your clients, it does does that's the one group of people who should lie about
[00:06:39] Professional athletes, I guess because there's like a legal issue there.
[00:06:42] But if you're like a professional wrestler or some shit or a bodybuilder, like everyone
[00:06:46] knows you're not fucking, you know, you're allowed to use drugs.
[00:06:50] They don't just say that you use drugs, but a personal trainer, I just, you know, there's
[00:06:55] And then like, you know, maybe 45 minutes later, I heard him again.
[00:06:59] He's like, well, you know, for someone your size, I would recommend, you know, maybe like,
[00:07:05] He's like telling the guy how to do steroids.
[00:07:08] 110, he was like, yeah, it was some fucking guy.
[00:07:13] He probably made a bunch of money and finance or whatever.
[00:07:17] And he's like, try to go from date rape shape to regular rape.
[00:07:22] Now, now I'm guessing I'm going to be a, I'm going to be a different kind of douche bag.
[00:07:25] I would have made my money, but the only time I ever saw that guy ever get excited about
[00:07:30] anyone of his clients, he was like training this like six foot five, six foot six, like
[00:07:36] this like kid with like eldest's body, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
[00:07:39] even bigger, like a pair shaped man, right, right, right, right, right, right, right,
[00:07:45] But so like he was very naturally strong due to his huge ass.
[00:07:49] So you know, just like, looking like baby Huey kid in there.
[00:07:54] And the kid was like, you know, his first day in the gym, deadlifting 500 pounds.
[00:07:59] And so he had the kid doing like, you know, like dead lifts with like six plates on the
[00:08:06] And the trainer is just like, yeah, boy, like every rep, he's like, yeah, come on, get
[00:08:15] And then they were going like set for set on the fucking leg press machine and just like
[00:08:20] maxing out with like a thousand pounds, he's like, yeah, that's fucking that's fucking
[00:08:28] This is just fucking this is like a small neighborhood gym.
[00:08:33] Dude, the fact that fucking douches were using flavor flavoring go is so funny.
[00:08:39] Yeah, it became a Borat kind of absolutely.
[00:08:42] And boy did I that was a funny show though.
[00:08:48] Yeah, I beat off to almost every woman on that show.
[00:08:59] She keel on the old hoops was like five, whatever, four and like a small, well, like, you know,
[00:09:04] how big Shaq's cock is, dude, it's probably you might be pretty big.
[00:09:12] Yeah, she probably got a nice fat hog, dude.
[00:09:16] I'm like, you're Kevin Hart and Shaq, right?
[00:09:20] Like what he did to Kevin Hart's asshole.
[00:09:23] Kevin Hart making his like his comedy face.
[00:09:30] Apparently, Kevin, I've got a real big dick.
[00:09:33] Well, he's like five and he's like he's like three foot four.
[00:09:43] You guys never beat off to anyone on flavor of love?
[00:09:59] I don't think you beat off to these unbeatable, offable things.
[00:10:02] Dude, you can't beat off to a naked picture of hoops.
[00:10:09] Everyone I beat off to has nudes or fake nudes.
[00:10:14] Sometimes for old times sake, dude, you got to be sometimes...
[00:10:16] No, even when old times sake, there was never a...
[00:10:25] Well, maybe I did by accident because I didn't know.
[00:10:28] But, I mean, it became pretty clear pretty quickly which ones were real and which ones
[00:10:34] Beating off to fake nudes when you're an adult is like if you still, if you as an adult
[00:10:39] in your apartment by yourself like wrote presents from Santa.
[00:10:43] You're like, what did Santa get me this year?
[00:10:52] It's like, oh, it's a box set full of nudes of the cast of Gilmore Girls.
[00:11:01] It's many more smiling while some guys fucking are there.
[00:11:04] There's nine dicks surrounding Dakota Fanny's face.
[00:11:10] Santa's elves in your Photoshop workshop.
[00:11:13] Look, I'm not saying I finished to fake nudes, but you know, I'm stroking my dick for a while.
[00:11:21] I'll search, you know, and I'll be like, oh, that's fun.
[00:11:26] I'm just beating off as more utilitarian for me at this point.
[00:11:29] It's something I have to do three or four times today so I don't tell myself.
[00:11:34] This is never, you've never admitted what you beat off to.
[00:11:41] You know, first page, maybe second page.
[00:11:43] Sometimes I'll go just hit go in there deep just to see what we got.
[00:11:51] You know what I've been eating off too lately?
[00:11:52] The beginnings of pornos where they like first get naked.
[00:11:56] You're what the fuck is wrong with you?
[00:12:00] The interview where they're like on the side of the road and the bank.
[00:12:08] The legal disclaimers at the beginning.
[00:12:16] There's like some fucking state government job.
[00:12:19] You get fucking 60 grand a year to just like sit around and be like, what's that?
[00:12:26] You know, and like that's all you do is just make sure that the people getting fucked on
[00:12:38] All I'm saying is sometimes, you know, the first time, you know, it's fun to see some
[00:12:43] Well, for the longest time when I was a kid, I used to beat off to like HBO stuff late
[00:12:49] And then the naked boobies thing that was on all the time was the fucking.
[00:12:55] Well, there was real sex, which was like sex sucks, which was a documentary about sex.
[00:13:04] I really can't fucking stand sex nerds.
[00:13:11] You know, I was on a date and a girl said, Oh, my ex boyfriend was real sex nerd.
[00:13:19] 90% of the time of sex nerd is like a fat woman that loves masturbating.
[00:13:30] Oh, I'm like a, I'm like a very sexual person.
[00:13:32] One of those aunts that gets used to be wedding kids.
[00:13:38] Well, I looked up with a girl who said she was in Baltimore who's like, Oh, I'm a sex
[00:13:42] And I think it's like, I really do think it's like autistic people because it like makes
[00:13:49] Like they're all like dominatrixes and shit like that.
[00:13:53] It's just like, Oh, what are you enjoying to having sex?
[00:13:58] I hate being asked that question straight.
[00:14:03] I have to ask for, yeah, like when you suck my penis, it feels weird.
[00:14:16] She was like in an open relationship or whatever.
[00:14:18] And she she broke up with her boyfriend who was bi or something because they like, they
[00:14:25] like met some dude at a bar and he brought he and they would like bring people back and
[00:14:32] And she was like, look, I don't really feel like fucking this dude.
[00:14:35] So we can just hang out or ever, but no fucking.
[00:14:38] And then she goes to the bathroom when she comes back and her boyfriend's getting her
[00:14:49] You leave and you come back and someone's a man sucking your boyfriend's dick.
[00:14:53] You're like, I told you you can't get your dick sucked by a man.
[00:14:56] I was dating your girl a couple of years ago.
[00:14:59] And she like came home when I and she was like, Oh, I got so wasted the party.
[00:15:02] And I was like, I fuck these like two girls or whatever.
[00:15:09] Just assume that like you can just go fuck other people.
[00:15:16] That's although I would like to fuck to date a girl who fucks girls.
[00:15:29] Well, I did a lot of girls that were just from the all hoses lesbians school thought.
[00:15:36] No, like a lot of girls that were just dating a girl that kind of looked like me.
[00:15:41] I've been in that position multiple times.
[00:15:43] I think we both could be in that position.
[00:15:46] If I put on a bowling shirt, we look like 90% of lesbians.
[00:15:50] I'm like a good transition back into cock.
[00:16:00] If you're if you're afraid of them, it's like not that's yeah, it's not scary.
[00:16:07] That's why like with lesbians, like I really split the room with lesbians when I meet them.
[00:16:21] And a lot of them hate me because I think some of them see me as a threat compared to
[00:16:25] there's there's like a trans coffee shop.
[00:16:29] In my old neighborhood, like a trans lesbian bookstore coffee shop.
[00:16:34] And I would go in there to get coffee sometimes.
[00:16:36] And I really felt like a fucking OSS agent in East Germany.
[00:16:51] Was that was that in your fucking sea captain?
[00:16:58] That's what I meant by I felt like a no SSA.
[00:17:01] When I was in that coffee shop, when I first moved to New York and I remember there were
[00:17:07] these it was just me and these two lesbians are breaking up with each other.
[00:17:11] And I noticed in the middle of it that we're all wearing the same same pair of tennis
[00:17:18] I think I already said this before, but when I dropped my lesbian cousin off at a.
[00:17:27] There were literally five Subaru hatchbacks.
[00:17:34] That rape victim clown I used to live with brought me to a Burning man party.
[00:17:37] One time those Burning man friends and I heard the gase should have ever heard my entire
[00:17:42] There's some like fucking snooty douche bag from like, I don't know, the fucking bay
[00:17:49] You're in the backyard and he's like very contilating saying to this girl he's there with.
[00:17:52] He's like, you know, the thing that I've known, this is like West Coast burners are like more
[00:17:58] sort of free spirit, you know, like sort of like china people.
[00:18:02] Whereas East Coast burners are like, it's very like Renfest vibe.
[00:18:06] You know, I, it took everything just be like, no, you're also a faggot.
[00:18:12] That's what you're trying to say is that everyone here is a faggot.
[00:18:16] You especially actually, because there's somehow a snob about being a faggot.
[00:18:26] I mean, I don't think anyone thinks Burning Man is cool at this point.
[00:18:28] I have a friend who thinks it's really cool.
[00:18:35] It's just, but here the problem with fucking Burning Man is just like, it's people who
[00:18:38] are like, oh yeah, it's just like, there's no economy and it's like, you just trade goods
[00:18:42] and you're like, now there's like rich people.
[00:18:48] They all fucking put go in there and they've spent, oh, there's no economy, but you spend
[00:18:50] like $14,000 to make a restaurant for three days.
[00:18:56] And then a couple of years ago, some guys set the Burning Man on fire early and they
[00:19:11] No, we just want a different society like this is it addresses all the problems in society
[00:19:16] by making the people who are gay and power instead of people we disagree with.
[00:19:22] They have to be gay and white and rich.
[00:19:27] That's all the friends I had as a teenager were all like, like that.
[00:19:32] They love music festivals and that's almost acceptable as a fucking 15 year old though.
[00:19:37] Yeah, I know, but they didn't grow out of it.
[00:19:44] It'd be funny to go to Burning Man dressed as Bernie Mac and be like, now what the hell
[00:19:52] I thought this was a burning back festival.
[00:20:03] Full black face and then when they can't.
[00:20:06] Oh, you should get the outfit from the I ain't scared of you motherfucker.
[00:20:11] The airbrushed fans with his face on them.
[00:20:27] And if anybody wants to fuck me, they can try, but it's not going to end up the way you
[00:20:38] I definitely I would stop having sex if I could just not have acid reflux.
[00:20:47] I ate it like a drink like a quarter milk last night before bed.
[00:20:58] No, I woke up with like searing stomach pain again and like it kept me up for like 30 minutes
[00:21:04] I'm like almost throwing up in my mouth.
[00:21:05] Yeah, maybe you can't eat that fucking dairy, bro.
[00:21:11] The last couple weeks about how acid reflux sounds like way too cool for what it is.
[00:21:15] It sounds like a hacker from the future.
[00:21:18] It just means you throw up in your mouth.
[00:21:21] Yeah, acid reflux sounds like a cool manga.
[00:21:31] I get it from smoking cigarettes at night.
[00:21:35] I've never had acid reflux or heartburn of any kind.
[00:21:38] That's the thing is my diet's been shit forever.
[00:21:44] I continue to smoke and then I'll do blow.
[00:21:49] I had such a depressing realization that it's like, in my head, I was like, you know what?
[00:21:54] I'm never going to not be fat, whatever.
[00:21:56] But then I was like, oh, wait a second.
[00:21:57] I don't have to like, I was like, oh, I'm not going to lose try and lose weight, whatever.
[00:22:00] But it's like, your body just keeps getting worse.
[00:22:03] There's no, I'm going to have to do work to just maintain being like, sort of fat instead
[00:22:10] Yeah, it's going to fuck up your ankles and your hips too.
[00:22:13] Yeah, you're going to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to
[00:22:20] I'm an English bulldog who's kidding who?
[00:22:23] You're a chihuahua with a dick in its mouth, Adam.
[00:22:28] Yeah, and you're a gay, uh, nice one, dude.
[00:22:43] Fuck, I don't know about dogs enough to make this joke.
[00:22:46] I just picked you up because it was the gay dog.
[00:22:50] They had that website where you could plug, you could put somebody's face in it and told
[00:22:56] And, uh, I put in Carly Fiorina and it came back with Kali, which is great because that's
[00:23:01] what they, all the fucking massholes were calling her.
[00:23:03] If the Carly Fiorina rally in New Hampshire when I was there, they're like, where's
[00:23:12] I love that you could just be a rich person and then like run for president as a Republican.
[00:23:23] I think it's funny that, but then I said that in a world thinking about a world where
[00:23:31] Although those been Romney picks for so awesome.
[00:23:34] It's like, uh, he's just like got caught with the side bitch look on his face.
[00:23:42] Well, no, it's like, you know, when a guy gets like, you know, fucked in jail and then
[00:23:48] And I'll miss like, no, actually I, I, I enjoy being in this position.
[00:23:53] Why is it actually, it actually feels good to be Mrs. Trump.
[00:24:02] Why does he have to hang out with Trump?
[00:24:05] Because you get a lot of fucking money, you know, by, by doing speeches and shit after
[00:24:12] You can, you can make a shit ton of money.
[00:24:14] No, but, but why is he fucking hanging out with Trump?
[00:24:16] Why does he just go fucking speak it like, you know, he could be like, he can have enough
[00:24:23] You look at this because of this podcast, I am now literally a thousand there.
[00:24:28] You know, I mean, we're, we're making, we're making okay money.
[00:24:54] But now, now the next thing I got to buy is I need a, I need a Toyota GT86.
[00:25:02] Looks like I'm going to have to double my money.
[00:25:10] I got to buy a fucking Zeppelin to fly around Manhattan and throw pennies at orphans.
[00:25:24] And before the Hindenburg, they were like, this is how people are going to get around.
[00:25:28] Like why do they think that was a good idea for how people were going to get around?
[00:25:32] I mean, it's like, it's a whole didn't go out of, out of fashion.
[00:25:37] The thing, the reason they're real, they're like, no, we're going to only have them, but
[00:25:41] for sports now, it's because of the lifting gas used in a lot of the blimps that caused
[00:25:47] like the Hindenburg disaster was, was a hydrogen had to use hydrogen because only the US had
[00:25:56] And during the war, we weren't like giving helium to the rest of the world.
[00:26:00] So all like, like most non-US blimps were using hydrogen as a lifting gas, which is
[00:26:05] really dangerous, which is what caused the Hindenburg to explode.
[00:26:09] And then that sort of destroyed the market for it elsewhere.
[00:26:22] No, but I mean, that's like the one thing I get annoyed at.
[00:26:26] I think I would have gone a little something like this.
[00:26:34] The type of technology comes back, all these steam punk assholes, but they don't bring
[00:26:37] back the best one, which is a full size like ZL1 graph Zeppelin, which I would love to
[00:26:47] It is so funny to see something so like fun and benevolent looking and then.
[00:26:55] Like if I had enough money, the two things I would want is to live in a big Nazi Zeppelin
[00:27:00] Where no one there's no rules up there.
[00:27:09] I would just sit up there and I would fucking gamble and I'd cuss children.
[00:27:14] You'd wear an eye hat for a child pornography.
[00:27:19] It's just fucking how much money I got.
[00:27:22] And I'm using child born as toilet paper emptying the toilet.
[00:27:34] Their tour bus emptied out the shit into the Chicago River and there was a boat under the
[00:27:40] bridge and they like fucking covered it.
[00:27:53] Wait, are you saying they emptied all the shit out of the tour bus?
[00:28:06] The other goal if I had money by what is it?
[00:28:17] It's those old like tie like, you know, like very ornate like jungle temples.
[00:28:21] Have one of those and then have a bunch of fucking monkey servants like King Louie.
[00:28:27] Why don't know if there would be servants or just I would just like to live among them
[00:28:30] and you know, establish some kind of society get fucked up on hallucinogens all day long.
[00:28:36] They have to be servants, dude, because then they fucking overtake you.
[00:28:43] You maybe you have to establish dominance.
[00:28:46] You have to shoot the strongest monkey.
[00:28:50] You show up, you fuck up, you rape the strongest monkey.
[00:28:53] I'm reading blood meridian and like, oh, I'm reading it as well.
[00:28:58] Yeah, there's so much good shit in there.
[00:28:59] So they're like, they just, you know, it's a gang of like in like scalpers, you know,
[00:29:10] Well, it's based on, it's based on like, are you?
[00:29:17] But did you get to depart yet where they're like, they're traveling and they go to the
[00:29:20] other side of that like, hand, Tina, and they meet the guy that has like a retard and a
[00:29:27] He's got his like retarded brother naked in a cage and their retarded brother just like
[00:29:30] eat shit and smears it all over himself.
[00:29:32] And they're like, what, what, what you planning on doing with that?
[00:29:36] And he's like, I'm taking him to California.
[00:29:42] That's the guy that did the road in the country.
[00:29:50] I'm trying to read this be not stupid anymore, dude.
[00:29:53] Well, it's good for like, it's not good for not being stupid.
[00:29:57] She'll always be stupid, but in terms of like making shit, I mean, it's definitely easier
[00:30:01] to be creative when you have more inputs.
[00:30:05] But I don't know, man, reading books makes you smart.
[00:30:08] When I used to read books, I was smarter than I am now.
[00:30:14] That's because you got to play smart games, dude.
[00:30:35] Bioshock is one of the best games of all time.
[00:30:36] I know I say that joking, but holy shit, that game is good.
[00:30:38] I used to just play a Dead or Alive volleyball.
[00:30:45] I legitimately am going to download it on the PlayStation network.
[00:30:53] You remember when you could hack Lara Croft Tomb Raider to get her titties out?
[00:31:00] That was like a very sick grade conversation.
[00:31:03] Yeah, it was like the quality was so terrible.
[00:31:09] And the yeah, that's what tits look like, dude.
[00:31:14] Bioshock seems like it's too fucking hard, dude.
[00:31:22] Yeah, that's like the one thing that's disappointing about it is it wasn't particularly difficult.
[00:31:27] I hate that shit was so much inventory and shit.
[00:31:29] I just want to grant theft auto style open world.
[00:31:36] Yeah, I mean, inventory in the sense that you have like five or six guns.
[00:31:43] Yo, mafia three, have you guys seen the fucking shit for that?
[00:31:48] I'm going to quick comedy and just play PlayStation.
[00:31:50] Yeah, I fucking, I got to get a couple more truck jobs for the season ends so I can buy
[00:31:57] Dude, I really want one of those 4K TVs.
[00:31:59] And when we watch that new planet Earth, well actually here's my goal is to download
[00:32:03] the new planet Earth, dub it over with G. George and make planet Earth.
[00:32:07] And it's like elephants going to the lake to drink or whatever.
[00:32:13] And then you just say, how many of y'all like sex?
[00:32:31] It didn't, everyone when they quoted Will Smith say welcome to Earth would be like welcome
[00:32:36] to Earth, but he never even said Earth.
[00:32:47] I don't remember that part of the movie.
[00:32:50] Do you remember, I love there was her comedian earthquake.
[00:32:57] And then there was a guy in DC that was comedian hurricane.
[00:33:10] His name was a pun, which makes it even shitty.
[00:33:13] He looked like family guy and he had a joke about that.
[00:33:18] He's like, and he would carry around fake glasses.
[00:33:19] And he's like, yeah, obviously I'm Peter Griffin or whatever.
[00:33:32] That was his best credit was the guy that goes to like anime conventions.
[00:33:40] He's pretty good at legitimately looks exactly like him and he does the impression pretty
[00:33:45] Yeah, hurricane couldn't really do the impression.
[00:33:47] Was that guy like a fucking lobby or something?
[00:33:50] You would get like rich people that are just like, yep, I want to fucking do stuff.
[00:33:55] Oh yeah, there are a bunch of rich people that want to go to it.
[00:34:08] There's only so much I can pull out of those wise acres days.
[00:34:18] If you take this on the route, that guy.
[00:34:22] Yeah, Diesel said that about telling you if you brought him on the road, he would murder.
[00:34:29] Diesel just wanted to put him in that cage like the retard.
[00:34:34] Taken him to California and I've shown him to people for a nickel.
[00:35:05] My friend growing up, he was like black and his granddad was like one of the most successful
[00:35:14] So he hit this really fucking swanky house in like Bethesda.
[00:35:20] But the guy bought it in like 19, did I mention this already?
[00:35:23] He bought it in like probably like the late 60s, decorated it.
[00:35:26] And then he was like, yeah, this is what the house looks like.
[00:35:28] So he had like this, but it was like gorgeous.
[00:35:34] It was, yeah, it was like a fucking, it was on like a hill.
[00:35:39] And all of the back of the house like opened up to this like pool in the backyard.
[00:35:43] And it was like sort of like a greenhouse style, you know, like kitchen and living room and
[00:35:48] And then like, but you know, even like the white fixtures were like coffee black with
[00:35:53] like weird, you know, oval shaped switches.
[00:35:56] And a lot of that like, it was like poppy luxe sort of look to it.
[00:36:00] And it's like a style of like, like, you know, graphic design, you know, like boomerang coffee
[00:36:13] A lot of mahogany and shit like like dark woods.
[00:36:23] Yeah, sculptures of like like black onyx sculptures of jaguars and shit.
[00:36:32] And he had this old roles, like an old, like silver raised in this.
[00:36:37] And he was like this old black guy and a college.
[00:36:39] And he looked like in the pictures, he sort of looked like Don King in around the house.
[00:36:43] And it was me and Brendan would laugh so much about him.
[00:36:45] Like, just like, yeah, I only use my mouth.
[00:36:48] And that's how he made all his money is buying being a number one pussy eater in the city.
[00:36:54] Would it be funny if there was a chandelier and arm was going to have Chinese shit?
[00:37:01] I think that's maybe more nice in the 70s.
[00:37:03] Their next door neighbor was a fucking James Brown from Fox Sports.
[00:37:14] I don't realize JB fucking lived in Bethesda.
[00:37:18] I was in a small one time at their house and like JB pulled up in the driveway next to
[00:37:25] And he was like, you guys watching the magical TV.
[00:37:32] Dude, I saw, I saw a Berman Chris Berman.
[00:37:39] No, I don't think, I don't know where it was.
[00:37:41] I was in, I was in Providence and he just had the flattest ass I've ever seen him.
[00:37:46] He has a total like fat guy, like just out straight and just like flat ass.
[00:38:08] I got a lot of, to have a weak posterior chain.
[00:38:10] This where you get a lot of mechanical problems in your body.
[00:38:13] That's why I'm looking at the strong ass.
[00:38:28] But you should fuck Adam up and steal his shit.
[00:38:33] But the time the wind is through, that'll be my coat.
[00:38:36] I know it's your look, bitch, but I'm stealing it.
[00:38:38] I'm going to get the Tims and the Yankee Fit.
[00:38:51] If you get the NBA jeans, I will not steal your coat.
[00:39:06] I'd love like a more tapered NBA jeans.
[00:39:10] You should get skin tight apple bottom jeans with like an extremely loose ass.
[00:39:25] That was the last good thing Steve Jobs did is those bottom jeans.
[00:39:32] We're rethinking what black women's asses look like.
[00:39:37] Steve Jobs on that stage in a turtle act.
[00:39:48] Steve, are you going to take your cancer medicine?
[00:40:04] Dude, a bunch of years ago or whatever, we had Jobs, Cash and whatever.
[00:40:17] But yeah, 10 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bruce Jenner.
[00:40:34] My man, I put some damn spinach, some kale, some- I put a tomato in that bitch.
[00:40:42] I'm thinking about blending some shit up.
[00:40:46] You know what I need though, is like glass jars to put the juice in.
[00:40:55] That's why I started using these new stuff from the Container Store.
[00:40:59] Are you doing Adam's thing where you steal the thing that someone says right before?
[00:41:02] No, no, I was doing a live read for a sponsor.
[00:41:07] Use promo code COMTOWN at the Container Store.
[00:41:10] We're just going there and if you shout it, you go up to the cashier and say, where am I-
[00:41:19] You have to say, call in the N-word at the Container Store and get 15% off.
[00:41:37] Our sponsor, every store in the country.
[00:41:54] And then try and sniff the sales girls ass.
[00:41:57] Do you remember when it was hot for girls to have fake tits and no ass?
[00:42:11] When people say no ass, it's just a small-
[00:42:14] Just like stringy, blonde, bleached out, shitty hair.
[00:42:22] I used to be friends with this guy Connor when I was a teenager.
[00:42:25] And Connor was telling this story one time.
[00:42:28] I wish I kept in contact with that guy.
[00:42:31] He was like, yeah, I was down in Florida a couple weeks ago.
[00:42:34] And I hooked up with these two really messy looking chicks.
[00:42:42] It looks like they cut it with safety scissors.
[00:42:44] He's like, I mean, she spent the whole week there.
[00:42:48] So they were showing me how to, you know, rip the pipes out of an air conditioner.
[00:43:04] My friend that used to do a lot of drugs told me that one way to get really high for not
[00:43:20] And he plays this guy whose wife had just, she's just killed herself like at the beginning
[00:43:25] She's left him a letter and he like can't bring himself to read it.
[00:43:28] So, you know, he's at work and he's fucking up and he just like can't stay focused and
[00:43:32] or like, maybe you should take a break.
[00:43:34] And he's just sitting in his house and like it's like half cleared out.
[00:43:38] And he's like trying to clean the house to get ready to move out of it because you just
[00:43:42] And he just picks up like the rag, you know, he's like cleaning with.
[00:43:48] Eventually, he graduates to gas and then he needs a way to justify his gas addiction.
[00:43:55] And then it's like him getting really into RC planes and becoming like progressively
[00:44:07] I haven't seen the movie in like 10 years, but it's really good.
[00:44:10] What if the letter was like, I fucked all your friends?
[00:44:28] Just once that had like tattoos from Momento.
[00:44:36] I was on a bus in Manhattan and that's terrible.
[00:44:43] That's stupid as John Q. What's his name?
[00:44:48] My son is going to get a heart transplant.
[00:44:59] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
[00:45:03] So yeah, Denzel, how about just don't laugh.
[00:45:08] I think I still think Ray Liotta's got the worst laugh.
[00:45:12] Yeah, that's like it's a terrible fake laugh.
[00:45:15] I think I think we all have really good laughs.
[00:45:21] I'm pretty sure that fake movie laughs.
[00:45:43] I'll fucking stuff that dumb shirt right up your ass.
[00:45:46] You're wearing your fucking comedy knock out.
[00:45:53] I got to fold all my clothes and put them away.
[00:46:04] I got into, I bought a pair like Levi's like Dickies.
[00:46:15] Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they're called.
[00:46:26] They have like fucking tropical clothing.
[00:46:30] Why do we decide we're going to let a different race tell us what our pants are called?
[00:46:40] They call like that's like a excuse me but I am Chicano.
[00:46:56] Anyone still listening to this episode.
[00:46:58] Here's a good Photoshop challenge for you.
[00:47:05] It's a Chinese robot covered in ants and slime.
[00:47:17] Yeah just put his face covered in ants.
[00:47:22] I think we should on him for that already.
[00:47:23] I think this is what sucks is that like there's nothing really to talk about except those
[00:47:35] You always try and figure out a way to bring it up.
[00:47:36] That's why we had to kick you off the show.
[00:47:38] I know I'm sorry I'm really glad you guys had me back.
[00:47:42] We don't know who we're going to book next week.
[00:47:45] We're going to replace Adam with weave and he's going to be the third chair on the podcast.
[00:48:01] Instead of chess Bobby Fischer was just initially good at being racist.
[00:48:15] Just went right for Jews control everything.
[00:48:17] He's a weird ass dude fucking Bobby Fischer man.
[00:48:26] That's where you're the man now dog comes from.
[00:48:40] Yeah that was like a huge thing is you're the man now dog.
[00:48:45] Somebody made a website you're the man now dog and it was just a picture of Sean Connery
[00:48:49] repeating all the things and then like text coming out of the screen and says you're the
[00:48:54] man now dog and on a loop him saying you're the man now dog or man now dog and then the
[00:48:59] guy who owned that website set it up so other people could create that where you'd like
[00:49:03] pick the image pick the right right right right and then I'll leave the sound.
[00:49:06] And that was like you know before memes or whatever that was a huge website where people
[00:49:10] would create those here the man now dog things right right right and the guy that owned
[00:49:14] that website also owned dustindiamond.com and it's like official website of international
[00:49:22] sex symbol Dustin Diamond and this was before like the sex video had come out.
[00:49:27] So it was just like he was just screech.
[00:49:29] Yeah he was just screech and it was like home of international sex symbol and fucking Dustin
[00:49:33] Diamond sued the guy that owned the website for control of the domain and the guy that
[00:49:40] And he's max something I forget and he like represented himself in the suit and like
[00:49:47] successfully convinced the judge he's like no it's obviously a joke he doesn't own the
[00:49:51] domain he didn't buy it he had plenty of time to buy it and like nobody thinks of him as
[00:49:55] a sex symbol so it's clear parity and the judge is like yeah I don't see why anyone
[00:50:00] would want to fuck this man so I guess Dustin Diamond this might have changed but as of
[00:50:06] like you know 10 years ago he was the only person to ever lose a suit like that.
[00:50:11] That might have been the shit that said to him spiraling dude lose that suit maybe and
[00:50:14] he's fucking with those prostitutes in that sex tape.
[00:50:17] Have you ever seen his rider Dustin Diamond's rider here it's like legend it's fucking hilarious
[00:50:22] yeah it's like there must be six Miller lights in my green room exactly six I'm in a bucket
[00:50:27] you know it's always bullshit but you know he has that rider and then half the places
[00:50:31] he plays don't even have a fucking green room right because I remember seeing that rider
[00:50:35] and literally the next week eltering him was opening for him at Lestronis which is like
[00:50:41] an Italian restaurant that has comedy so instead of a green room Dustin Diamond just
[00:50:46] has to stand at the bar waiting for his turn to go up.
[00:50:50] Yeah this is so annoying the comedy club's book people like Dustin Diamond.
[00:50:55] Yeah who goes out to see screech there stand out.
[00:50:58] I mean you can't put screech on the posters either because he doesn't own the rights to
[00:51:03] Probably one of those guys like don't say screech.
[00:51:06] Yeah he's not yeah he can't I'm a novelist.
[00:51:11] Yeah from good times good times yeah he does stand up and like he won't say he won't say
[00:51:16] anyone he won't say that he won't do it.
[00:51:20] Damn yeah that's the only reason anyone's going to see that dude I saw you know who I would
[00:51:34] There's a video of Michael Winslow doing like the first five minutes of Star Wars where
[00:51:39] he just does all the sound effects of Star Wars the first five minutes and it's amazing.
[00:51:44] Yeah dude the fact that he like nails all the scene changes where we'll like cuts to a
[00:51:48] tie fighter for like half a second and he's just like you know just has like back to the
[00:51:54] lasers you know he just doesn't miss a fucking beat but it's that's just black autism.
[00:52:15] You saw that thing there's like I guess the blaze or something but she's considering Hillary.
[00:52:21] Oh my god that was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.
[00:52:24] I so hope 2020 then then life stops being real and I'm like yes.
[00:52:29] That's rude against it'll be hilarious.
[00:52:30] I wish I could just fast forward four years and watch that happen again.
[00:52:35] Or if we could just have an election now and she loses again.
[00:52:39] I feel like all right some tech some electoral college loophole.
[00:52:44] There's another election and she's still losing.
[00:52:50] Oh what if he just what if Trump passes a law that says that they have to have an election
[00:52:53] every month and Hillary has to go against him again.
[00:52:57] For the next four years they just keep redoing the election.
[00:53:05] He would love elections way more than president.
[00:53:12] You know how fucking hard it would be to have an election every month.
[00:53:16] That would be could just be a country that lives off elections.
[00:53:25] Because Joe Stein need fucking seven million dollars and if people don't get paid to count
[00:53:28] they definitely get paid to get no it's because people need to get the count of all those
[00:53:32] I guess the people at the polls don't get paid.
[00:53:42] I thought that people do it as volunteers.
[00:53:45] No they're only rich people would be able to control or to count votes.
[00:53:53] This is what the people want keep going guys.
[00:54:04] I went to Costco and I got ironic shoes.
[00:54:08] Next time I go to Costco I got a do ironic shoes like me.
[00:54:16] I used to have fucking Walmart Velcro shoes that were eight bucks.
[00:54:28] I'm going to copy that and I bought a blender.
[00:54:34] I like that it has Vita in the name as if you assume I'm going to put Vitamix in that
[00:54:41] It's going to be ice cream and peanut butter.
[00:54:59] Well shit it's coming tomorrow into my house.
[00:55:02] What the fuck the 5200 the base level one.
[00:55:04] Oh yeah that's not what my roommate has.
[00:55:09] You want the one with like texting on it?
[00:55:11] No I don't want the one with texting but I want the one with like the two and a half horsepower
[00:55:16] See look you have to understand the engine.
[00:55:19] I want to say to this blender game from the power tools.
[00:55:36] I want to be able to accidentally put my hand in there and have to go to the hospital.
[00:55:41] If I don't lose a finger it's for gay guys.
[00:55:46] Is if the wall made a blender and Milwaukee made a blender you better believe I'd be
[00:55:54] fucking I'd be drinking wood milkshakes right now.
[00:55:57] Oh fuck dude I can't wait to blend that shit.
[00:56:01] Wait you oh you're getting it tomorrow.
[00:56:03] Yo you should put fucking weed in there.
[00:56:07] Imagine if you put a pound of weed in a blender and turned it into a juice.
[00:56:12] What would happen if you drank a pound of weed?
[00:56:17] Yeah like if you put a pound of weed in a blender and put water in it.
[00:56:24] No you just get to transcend levels of food.
[00:56:31] My friend Ari is like obsessed with dab accounts on Instagram.
[00:56:36] You would probably die if you did that.
[00:56:42] There has to be a toxicity level for THC.
[00:56:57] And then like once you're an addict or like once your tolerance goes up you can like you
[00:57:04] All right what if you put a pound of heroin in there?
[00:57:11] People die from heroin overdoses because they forget to take vitamins.
[00:57:20] It's from fucking a guy with a dick tooth thing.
[00:57:32] It weakens your sphincter so much that all your organs come out of your ass.
[00:57:43] So these opportunistic diseases taking over the finance industry.
[00:57:56] Thank you to everybody who came to the damn show.
[00:57:59] The shows are getting better and better and we appreciate everyone who came.
[00:58:03] Especially my man who came from Staten Island who I talked to after the show.
[00:58:07] Yeah he was like I just want you to know I'm a big fan of the show and your willingness
[00:58:15] This guy's at home right now and he's like that's not what the fuck I said.
[00:58:22] He says I gave him an earnest compliment and he contorted my words to turn it into a funny
[00:58:29] He probably didn't say that and now you're doing what he said in the story by doing this.
[00:58:43] Ben's dying of cancer and he came to our show and no way to my thinking of my friend
[00:58:48] Every dollar of the patreon goes to this four year old boy.
[00:58:52] There's leukemia and if so if you're not donating it.
[00:58:56] When the we're going to get him Batman costumes.
[00:59:10] Imagine at 27 years old go shoot up whatever office he's working in.
[00:59:14] Because he's never going to he's going to turn into the Joker.
[00:59:19] He had childhood leukemia and they let him pretend he was Batman and he grew up and
[00:59:25] then gave a fuck about the Joker anymore.
[00:59:26] He's like you want to know how I got these scars.
[00:59:35] They had to make my mouth bigger so I could eat the pill.
[00:59:43] My friend Nate one ball Nate I call him OBN.
[00:59:47] He had cancer as a little kid and he beat it but he got to make a wish and they gave
[00:59:54] him a fucking guitar and a fucking studio and shit.
[01:00:01] If I was a make a wish kid and they were like what do you want?
[01:00:09] I want to cart into cigarettes every day for the rest of my life.
[01:00:13] And then there's some five year old boy smoking.
[01:00:19] I want to eat fucking Scarlett Johansson's pussy.
[01:00:26] That'd be great if like parents took advantage of their kids cancer to like get themselves
[01:00:48] Where are we going to put all the money?
[01:01:02] I'm going to have to quick inhale all the second hand smoke.
[01:01:15] Well when we found out Shireen had cancer at first I was sad but then I thought we're
[01:01:28] I want to call the way the Los Angeles, California.
[01:01:32] I have my retard daughter here in a cage and she smeared and facie and I'm going to show
[01:01:40] Alright well that was a good one I feel.
[01:01:43] Hopefully that's redemption for the one everybody hated.
[01:01:48] The referring to is the politics episode but the truth is guys every episode is the
[01:01:59] You think these are all just dumb jokes and you're not really realizing how this is about
[01:02:04] Every slur is on purpose and means something meaningful as fuck.
[01:02:11] We're not going to tell you because that's not what artists do.
[01:02:13] That's not what artists do but you got to read between the lines.
[01:02:25] Come to the next show also Monday after Christmas.
[01:02:30] Stav will be at Magoobies all this week.
[01:02:34] It's hosting for Ben Creed all weekend.
[01:02:35] I will be opening for Bobby Kelly and Magoobie.
[01:02:38] A couple people have asked me on Twitter.
[01:02:40] If you're a come boy we love to see at the live shows.
[01:03:00] Just don't always get too much from each other.
[01:03:10] Plus every year they got a Chili's right by out.
[01:03:16] I don't yell at you if you're taking food out of Domster.