Cum Town | Regular | 06/09/2016
[00:00:41] Come down three this one we already okay, so hello everyone welcome to come down come down three
[00:00:46] This is the big one guys. There's a pressures on because
[00:00:50] You know we got a huge shout out on NPR and
[00:00:57] I don't like Terry gross looking bitch. Hey take that you fuck a short hair haircut have an ass bitch
[00:01:04] Ah, no, we recorded a backup one in case we couldn't do this one and it came out his garbage
[00:01:09] It's Adam ruined it. We had Adam come back and he ruined it. He wasn't talking to the mic
[00:01:14] He wasn't paying attention. It's trashing Adam. Well, I mean, that's how I don't end himself
[00:01:19] I mean I know it was partially my fault, but you know I blame him too. So this is the third one we got
[00:01:27] Which you're the real guy you're the first time this we haven't had a like a real guest for Adam doesn't count
[00:01:35] He's like he's guests like third mic on the show anyways, you get a lot of train in this podcast
[00:01:40] I love it. That's the full train guys. We are live at the top of the Empire State Building
[00:01:48] We are live from the Baba Bowie studio in the torch of the bucket you get there
[00:01:54] You just the button to get to the new Anthony Kumiya studios is just an end
[00:01:59] And you press that one to hear that Russ Vanneve joke
[00:02:02] Where he's like do you guys hear that story about the Asian delivery driver getting trapped in the elevator for four hours?
[00:02:11] That might be the best joke I've ever heard
[00:02:21] Yeah, let's do it. You want to play a WWE no mercy fuck. Yes. I do you have that. I haven't played a wrestling game since like
[00:02:33] No mercy on 64 oh, yeah, I probably played it
[00:02:36] Yeah, well how about this Sunday? Why don't you bring your ass over here and jump in the mix with his with stoves new character?
[00:02:46] Dude create a wrestler and create a skater. That was the greatest innovation
[00:02:51] Are you talking about Tony Hawk Tony Hawk? The only thing better than creative skater was turning off gravity where you just do
[00:03:00] You do that and then like what's the point of even playing the game at that point?
[00:03:04] I would finish and then the score be going off the screen and be like yeah, it was a good afternoon
[00:03:08] Couldn't you buy like gene shorts or something? Yeah, you could buy different stuff right?
[00:03:13] Yeah, I remember mine in American Wasteland. I had like a blue genie guy that I had a parrot on the shoulder
[00:03:19] Yeah, we used to get super high off really terrible pot my freshman year of college in the world of dominoes
[00:03:25] And then we would try to see who could get the most points in one trick. Yeah, cuz if you did the thing
[00:03:30] What's it called? Where you keep the balance real?
[00:03:32] Real manual manual if you manualed off of like a trick and then you got to like another yeah
[00:03:38] You could keep those chains going from yeah, so we'd get to like 49 million fifty million
[00:03:41] Yeah, and it would be like when someone would fall or fuck up. It would be it was like ice skating
[00:03:47] Yeah, so I feel like someone would fuck up and we'd be like
[00:03:55] my friends used to play the first one and
[00:03:57] It was like both it was so easy you we had it down like muscle memory where you hit like start and then reset yeah
[00:04:08] Immediately we had like a five second rule like within the first five seconds
[00:04:12] And you would just sit there and it would be two people playing and you know whoever loses you pass off the controller
[00:04:17] But right but in the first like warehouse level where you double back around yeah
[00:04:22] And like grind on that half pipe and then do the wall right down into the yeah
[00:04:26] Yeah, yeah, it would fuck it up every time and so you would sit there for like 45 minutes being like oh fuck oh fuck
[00:04:34] Dude if you fucking restart one more time the school in the there was like a bus stop
[00:04:41] That was on like Tony Hawk 3. Yeah, you would play and I'd always put on aces spades
[00:04:53] Is when he goes and don't forget the joke
[00:04:59] By the way, there's another car the school
[00:05:08] I'm glad he's dead. Whoa, I'm sorry is that too far? Let me dummy. Do by the way we are in some heavy train time
[00:05:15] Yeah, it's back every time you hear that train a woman is coming off of the train to fuck us guys
[00:05:20] There's yeah, there's always a train running when I'm trying to have a conversation and never when I need to ride the train
[00:05:26] That's right. Do that is that a good bit
[00:05:28] Yeah, that's a really good bit. Yeah, I'll be on there
[00:05:31] I'll be trying to get on that train yo, and then it ain't ever there when I need it. Have you ever know
[00:05:40] I don't know if Dundalk I would make that observation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I ain't never been on a train too many different kinds of mess
[00:05:45] I can't on there yet. They got too many different types. You know too many flavors, you know
[00:05:50] I know about Puerto Ricans and I know about messickens and that's it. You know, I ain't learning no
[00:05:57] So funny when they have like spas like with dumb shit heads like that always have like a like one or two really funny lines
[00:06:02] Oh, yeah, then you're like how dumb are you? Yeah, well, that's that's well basically remember. Oh, yeah
[00:06:08] Oh, man. Yeah, oh, yeah, so we we bring up like I don't want to call him a shitty
[00:06:13] He shitty comic cuz for where he is and yeah, he's he's shockingly talented murders
[00:06:20] He fucking murders this Dundalk just walled on Dostrowski bro. Yeah, the guy looks like a fucking Twitter egg with a goatee
[00:06:28] If you put a goatee in the middle of the Twitter egg and then you give him a Ravens hat and camo Ravens pants
[00:06:34] The first time I met this guy we did a show together at like in federal Hill at some bar one of those color me funny shows
[00:06:39] Oh, yeah, and I go into the bat. He used the bathroom before me and I go into the bathroom after him and he had taken a shit
[00:06:49] And there's just just stakeums floating in the toilet. Yeah, I'm just gonna do it like it's at my house
[00:06:56] I'm gonna do it house style. Take a dump
[00:06:58] But now hold on not only did he not flush no toilet paper next to the third so he just did shit it and then you would drive
[00:07:10] Commando that's not what commando means well
[00:07:13] I'm gonna do it Rambo style. Oh hell. Yeah. Yeah, you're not called this podcast the Baltimore boys
[00:07:18] The Baltimore bad boys come down is the best podcast. Yeah, we wanted to have a lot of also
[00:07:23] Was it gonna be Walter Strauss key? Yeah, we do get pretty deep into a shitty Baltimore comedy
[00:07:32] Yeah, we did we mentioned Tom Myers in the first one we we apprised a bunch of people of the great
[00:07:37] Oh, yeah, if you know about Tommy Myers, we won't cover it now. Yeah, we already did that
[00:07:41] Oh, yeah, but he's one of the best dude. Yeah, Tom Tom might be the best shitty comedian. Oh, yeah
[00:07:47] I put him up against any anybody shitty comedian was anybody in like Denver
[00:07:55] There's just Mexican dude that was from the south side that he just get up with the open mics and he go
[00:08:11] Murder and he wouldn't be saying anything
[00:08:13] These names smiley or something of course his name is smiley good. Why people always just like fucking speak
[00:08:24] Fucking annihilate do you do it annihilate they always have names like smiley and they always have airbrush t-shirts
[00:08:30] Oh, yes, my smiley spider just got shot. Is it there's a spider where I grew up?
[00:08:35] He was like that, but he was like there's so here's the weird thing about Denver. It's Mexico
[00:08:47] And there's a surprising amount of black people in Aurora. Oh my doors opening
[00:08:59] But there's there's this kid Pueblo is like a huge
[00:09:05] Okay, well Colorado really this kid Jerry Garcia
[00:09:12] Torora we were in middle school and he was like straight
[00:09:16] stereotypical Cholo like blooded and blood out had the unibrow
[00:09:20] Hair slick back always were white beaters was oddly muscular in eighth grade. Yeah, like man body
[00:09:26] Yeah, yeah, yeah, those kids had hit puberty at like four in a mustache
[00:09:30] Yeah, a little shimmy must that he was like it's super like fingering girls
[00:09:35] Yeah, what am I into yet finger my girls
[00:09:42] I just had a big head and I was like I want to see boob
[00:09:46] I just want to see their boobies their lady point. Oh, yeah, dude
[00:09:49] There were these like these kids were just talking in gym class in eighth grade and they were like talking about fucking a girl
[00:09:54] Yeah, and I was just like I was doing the cartoonish like leaning over way too close
[00:09:59] They were talking about sex and they're like hey, yo, he listening yo
[00:10:17] Lot of black dudes are much more liberated sexually than white dudes like yeah, I ran a train with that on that bitch
[00:10:24] And then the guys would never be in a room with another man
[00:10:27] Yeah, but then they're also they're homophobic. Yeah, that's what they're like
[00:10:31] I don't eat pussy because the penis went in
[00:10:34] But you were touching your boy as you bang yeah
[00:10:37] Your balls were clacking together like one of those fucking yeah, what are those machines called those endless motion perpetual motion machines
[00:10:43] Oh, wow, dude. That's such a smart reference
[00:10:46] The black balls clacking like those are pretty funny. Oh those things. Oh the new Newton
[00:10:50] Yeah, I remember in sixth grade this girl Mike yell
[00:10:57] Biggie just came out ready to digest came out. Mm-hmm
[00:11:00] And I was like 11 and I was like trying to be cool. Yeah, it's still wanted to go home and play with my X-Men action figures
[00:11:06] Of course like I was like waiting to get home to be like I'm gonna set up a fort on the stairs
[00:11:13] I don't know if I'm really did you actually like do that with the action figures and toys because I remember like toy commercials
[00:11:20] The kids the kids were always like setting up scenarios with the toys. Yeah, I'm like who actually does that
[00:11:28] Really to hell yeah, I didn't even have it. I didn't do action figures ever so you can't imagine I didn't have an imagination
[00:11:34] Well, I think you did. I just think you have the emotional reins of a lizard
[00:11:37] That's never you're actually just murdering each other. Yeah, that was the whole yeah, or it was just a it was just a trial for a murder
[00:11:50] You're just doing like a high ranked high pressure
[00:12:04] There you go, Bob, but I was in sixth grade and Mikey L was like I
[00:12:09] Did that thing where and this is a life lesson. I should have learned that day, but it didn't stick it
[00:12:14] So I was about 28, but I go oh yeah that new biggie album
[00:12:26] So you were just because there's a boy is B. I. G. And I was like
[00:12:29] There's no indication of singular or plural. I was like she said is he a person now
[00:12:35] I know I'm dumb. No, she goes. Is that a group or a person? That's what she said. Oh, she was checking
[00:12:51] Can I please figure you I just want to go play with my eggs man, but then
[00:12:56] When Jerry Garcia moved into town and he was fingering all those pussies. That's right
[00:13:02] One day eighth grade my best friend Byron was like hey Jerry Garcia. Where's the right rest of the grateful dead wasn't even a good thing
[00:13:09] Yeah, but you just don't respect like a young show
[00:13:13] Dude he lit Byron up with like six punches quicker
[00:13:18] Turns out he was fucking a golden gloves champ out of blah blah
[00:13:23] I was like do the two toughest kids in my school that
[00:13:26] Were Mexican were both golden gloves fighters and they were like John Casados and Jerry Garcia cheese
[00:13:34] One time there was a straight mini race war where the
[00:13:37] This black dude named Carlton who's in prison get Carlton out of prison free Carlton free Carlton everybody Jerry
[00:13:45] Or John Casa it was it was John Casados Carlton and this Asian dude named Solomon
[00:13:50] And they all fucking fought never was like this is crazy. It was a three-way fight. Yeah
[00:13:58] Yeah, well then the white teachers can't step in they don't know what to do they probably orchestrated it somehow
[00:14:04] They didn't like me because that day I wore a throw a fucking crown. I just sat at the edge and I did the sideways
[00:14:13] Like yo man, I feel like this white dudes control it all
[00:14:21] Do you think different minority groups would team up if there was a real race war?
[00:14:25] Patrice has that bit does he yeah, well, so you're a hack. Yeah, I would be a hacker
[00:14:35] Attenback bring it out of bed. Yeah, I think it would be yeah
[00:14:38] I think it would be like Asians would go with white people
[00:14:43] Make seems would team up with the blacks right. Yeah, I think Mexicans and like Indians. Oh, no, no no Indians
[00:14:50] That'd be 50 50. You don't know which way they go because dude
[00:14:53] I'm in midtown I see a lot of like young Indian kids and they're just like they act black like they drop
[00:15:00] Bomb they act black is the way the white guys act black see we don't have wiggers anymore Indians stole that from us
[00:15:06] So they're like totally a story no because the Indians because they're there all their families are like affluent
[00:15:13] All their families are like doctors that make you know millions of fucking dollars
[00:15:17] So they're rich kids all the Indians are rich kids pretty much dude like the average income for like an Indian family in America
[00:15:24] Is like a hundred thousand dollars nice. That's the average
[00:15:27] But yeah, but yeah, no, they stole they stole wiggered him from because there aren't any more they don't have them
[00:15:33] Oh, there's a dude. I don't know man. Yeah, you got to go. No, that's just
[00:15:37] Yeah, I'll tell you this northern, California like Pona Northern, California. Yeah
[00:15:42] Like oh good Colorado trash, but I mean like a guy that's like now. I'm saying now mean, you know like
[00:15:49] Those guys are still very few no, but you're right though as a culturally though
[00:15:53] Yeah, like Indian dudes doing that right now and just Indian people and just South Asian I would say there was a there
[00:15:59] Was a kid that I remember from middle school that would walk around with like in a very affected
[00:16:05] Pimp lemon like that was from class to class
[00:16:08] Terrifying like that's just how yeah, that's his thing. There was a guarantee. He's not doing that now
[00:16:14] Whatever bang. Yeah, I don't even want to say this guy's full name because he was legitimately terrifying. Yeah, they was Andy and he used to wear
[00:16:20] I don't want to say this full name. He wore Afro sheen in his hair
[00:16:24] That's how big of a wig every one. Yeah straight up
[00:16:29] Ava was up dog, but he was also a live wire. Yeah, that's why when Chappelle put out killing him softly and he did that
[00:16:37] Dangerous motherfucker in them groups. Mm-hmm immediately. I thought I Andy. I was like, yeah, yeah, I know who that is and that he's fucking crazy
[00:16:43] Yeah, dude spider. We were talking about spiders. How'd all that start? Yeah. Yeah one night
[00:16:47] Me my friend Mike and Byron are sitting on Mike's driveway, right?
[00:16:51] And we're just hanging out suburbs upper middle-class neighborhood middle-class upper middle-class neighborhood
[00:16:56] Straight up suburbs. We're sitting there and this fucking Cadillac just comes rolling down and takes a hard corner and
[00:17:05] Byron goes I think it's spider's Cadillac
[00:17:08] You know where's spider going? He's going up the street towards our friend Joel's house
[00:17:12] Officer in the Cadillac just fucking turns around flips a bitch and starts driving towards us
[00:17:18] And we're like well, this is kind of getting weird right fucking across the street over the street up the driveway
[00:17:23] We're like, ah, we just take off go around the side of the house to Mike's house
[00:17:29] Jump the fence get into his house and shut the sliding glass door lock it in fucking spider in Andy
[00:17:35] Are just at the door fucking beating on it really?
[00:17:39] Why were you afraid of them because they were gonna kick the shit out of us for one?
[00:17:45] Just broke out at us we were gonna stand there and be like let's figure out what's going on right
[00:17:49] Yeah, dangerous dudes and they just they chased obviously they were gonna try to fuck us up
[00:17:53] Holy shit in the backyard. Dude. That was it was so crazy because it was one of the things where I ran in the house being like
[00:17:59] Yeah, we didn't have to do that and I looked at
[00:18:05] Yeah, there's a there's like this guy. There was like a wig that I remember when I was a teenager wig
[00:18:12] Because that's you know you get to say that word so when I fuck it you really gonna yeah
[00:18:16] Yeah, your money's worth it. Yeah, definitely so no
[00:18:18] But he's he's like a dumb guy that said had like a great line. Yeah, and it's still one of the funniest things
[00:18:25] I've ever heard we're like sitting around like a table and
[00:18:28] So like these two girls were talking about like IQs or whatever and one of them was like well my IQ is 120
[00:18:35] So that's like really smart and the other one's like I really cuz mine's 121
[00:18:38] You know they're like doing that back and forth and this kid who's you know white bandana white fitted cap
[00:18:44] You know like big white t-shirt where they dress like black eyes, but then the clothes all have to be white
[00:18:49] White Air Force ones so make some all look super pale. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well they have to match their skin tone
[00:18:55] They just do like a fucking you know at like where they take like sub zero and make them scorpion
[00:19:01] Yeah, so they look like a black guy like they just change
[00:19:10] Yeah, so he's sitting there like a lot of light blue. Yeah line of blue, baby
[00:19:16] He's sitting there at the chair like it's completely slouch as possible
[00:19:20] It's like pants basically pulled down to his ankles like he's fucking you know
[00:19:24] Just as relaxed as possible and they're talking about IQs and he goes
[00:19:28] Man, I'm even gonna bring my cue up because you wouldn't man. Y'all wouldn't even believe me if I told you
[00:19:50] I was like hyperventilating. I think it's a delivered in a way where it was like the funniest fucking idea
[00:19:57] Was he trying to be funny? No, he was dead serious. Oh, yeah, all those dudes
[00:20:00] He was dead serious all those dudes thought they were so yeah, no he was gone
[00:20:03] I remember he was always like I work for BMW man. I'll make six figures
[00:20:07] I work for BMW and he was like a detail or it like a BMS
[00:20:11] I totally forgot about those kids that would brag about adult stuff. Yeah, there was this white girl who was a wigger
[00:20:19] And she reached out to me on Facebook nice. She saw me recently. Yeah, she saw me on Showtime
[00:20:25] And so she was like oh my god, you doing things
[00:20:29] You're in your 30s. Yeah, you're still doing this in your 30s. She was like
[00:20:38] Hot, I'll show you picture. She was hot. Yeah, you just fuck with like thugs. Yeah, like hardcore thugs, right?
[00:20:47] We're in math class and it's so funny to bring that up with people just straight lying she got you my dad owns
[00:21:00] But this is back when they were like kind of like the hot they kind of wear the hot gym for there
[00:21:05] She goes yeah, my dad be owning bally's. I was like, why do you live in a war?
[00:21:09] She was like because my mom's from here. My dad wants me to like grow up like my mom
[00:21:15] It's just like dumb shit. Yeah, always a lie always a bullshit. Yeah, my friend my friend told like a fucking great lie when we were like teenagers
[00:21:22] He goes I wasn't there for it, but he told our other friend. He's like
[00:21:26] Yeah, when I'm like high and shit, I can like understand German
[00:21:33] I can't speak it, but when I'm high I can understand he never taken German. It's just the similarity between
[00:21:39] Love you think about all those like shithead middle school high school lies that you would tell yeah, yeah
[00:21:52] Hell yeah, dude, I used to fucking I used to tip my first car was a fucking
[00:21:57] Chevy blazer and we would we would set up in the pizza hut
[00:22:01] There was a pizza hut connected to like a fucking giant and a fucking just a shitty strip mall in in Dundalk actually
[00:22:10] Gour a shopping cart obstacle courses and I would just smash
[00:22:19] Fun once you get through the actual thing of like oh no, I shouldn't be doing this once you've committed to smashing shit with a car
[00:22:25] Yeah, so we have my mom's forerunner. I didn't have a car
[00:22:28] I think my car died or something so we're driving around and I was like hey, we should take out
[00:22:31] I thought it was funny. I was like let's let's take out these trash cans
[00:22:36] It just became the whole night's activity of course like run a shit over but we were trying to push a Porto patio
[00:22:43] You're trying to push it over and be drove by it
[00:22:45] And I like trying to push it with my hand but it fucking didn't just jam my hand
[00:22:50] And I go oh, I broke my arm my friend Joel was recording me
[00:22:56] It was back in the day at camp quarters. He goes. I don't think he broke your arm
[00:23:00] And then like five minutes later. He lost the videotape of five
[00:23:03] We watched we watch this adults five minutes later. He's sitting there. He's so there as you broke an arm
[00:23:13] Definitely didn't fucking middle school kids lies. Yeah
[00:23:19] The actually the car thing I kept doing that into well into my 20s really yeah me and Jake florida Jake
[00:23:25] Jake used to have this piece of shit for focus and I had like a shitty
[00:23:34] We would yeah one time Chris Cubus another comic kid to like move
[00:23:39] And so he's like asked me and Jake to help him move and
[00:23:42] Within 30 minutes of helping a movie stuff like one of us just dropped something and it broke
[00:23:50] And then we just started trashing all of his stuff
[00:23:52] It was a former apartment. They're like took his bed frame and threw it through the wall and like Chris didn't get we were just drunk
[00:24:01] noon we were trashed it was Wednesday and we were doing like a bit we're like like this would be a funny sketch
[00:24:07] It's called like quality movers. Yeah, just destroy everything, but there's no camera. So it's not a sketch. We're just
[00:24:14] Destroyed and so he had this old computer monitor
[00:24:17] And we're like I'm taking the thing over my head and throwing it at
[00:24:22] You know the wall and shit and smashing holes in the wall and we're throwing it all over the parking lot
[00:24:27] I'm trying to smash this computer monitor, but so CRT's those like cathode ray tubes
[00:24:32] Yeah, the screen is like an inch and a half of glass. Yeah, those old computer monitors
[00:24:37] Yeah, thickest there are hard as shit to break
[00:24:39] But inside because the way those things work is it's this like gun that shoots electrons at the screen real fast
[00:24:44] And that's what makes it light up and you know, it's like precise
[00:24:47] But so it's got to be a vacuum on the inside
[00:24:49] So when you finally break that screen of fucking implodes and it's like a really cool thing to see
[00:24:55] So, you know, and I know that so I was like
[00:25:01] So I'm like I'm like guys we got to destroy this thing and we're trying all these ways to get it to smash and we can't do it
[00:25:07] So eventually we took like just the cord to it and tied it to the back of Jake's car
[00:25:13] And then I was like riding it and he was just driving it through the fucking parking lot
[00:25:17] And I fell off and he's like going around corners and smashing into like fire hide
[00:25:22] Shit, but yeah, no, we were like what it put finally did it
[00:25:26] I think that did it. We like hit a curb and it popped and shit
[00:25:30] And it was kind of underwhelming Chris had another TV Chris had like a 36 inch CRT
[00:25:35] Yeah, that we brought we moved into our new the one the apartment me and Chris moved into yeah with the intention of we're gonna
[00:25:42] Fuck and destroy this thing. Yeah, and I there was one night
[00:25:45] I was drunk and I was like either I'm buying ps4 or a shotgun from Kabela's
[00:25:55] Which is still a waste of money, but I don't know I think the shotgun you would have done that I would have killed myself
[00:26:01] Yeah, I would have done TV and the next saying would have been like or you would have hit someone with a buckshot
[00:26:06] Yeah, and then like I don't know now you have to do a comedy benefit once a year for your friends in a wheelchair
[00:26:24] You'll fucking blow your goddamn foot off
[00:26:30] No, we had fun. That was yeah, those stories of the fucking I the alcoholism days are pretty hilarious. Yeah, Austin
[00:26:38] No, I want to start drinking again. Just like
[00:26:40] This kind of decisions, but I got pulled over one time. I had to like fly back
[00:26:48] It was the day before Christmas Eve and I went out to a bar with like Joe stats and I had like nine beers
[00:26:54] And I got me and Jake had fought the night prior to that so I had like a giant black eye
[00:27:00] And I had nine beers and then I took a beer somehow they just let me take a beer with me from the bar
[00:27:04] Which is not so I'm driving and Joe's trash too, and I'm like I have like a tall boy in my lap
[00:27:11] And then I I passed by this cop and I'm like immediately
[00:27:15] I'm like fuck shit fuck your cop fuck and then the cops following me
[00:27:19] I'm like shit and then I like there's a red light and I pull halfway into it like what the lights still read
[00:27:25] I'm just like fucking up like goddamn it and then Joe's like just take a left here take a left here
[00:27:29] And he's like you know in my ear and light turns green. I turn left
[00:27:33] I've turned left undo like a divided highway
[00:27:43] I'm like now man. I'm like this I'm fucked
[00:27:46] So I'm like I'm going to jail and I fucking just pull off in the first side street
[00:27:50] I put my hazards on and I'm like I can't believe this dude
[00:27:52] I'm fucking the cop lightly I pulled over first before he could light me because I had fucked up
[00:27:57] So I put my emergencies on I just pulled over and I was waiting for him and then you know
[00:28:01] You know through the hazards on I'm like I'm gonna jail
[00:28:05] But then the cop pulled up behind me and through the hazards on and then like somehow
[00:28:10] He comes to the window like I can't believe this shit
[00:28:13] And I roll down the window in the cops like hey, how you doing tonight?
[00:28:16] I'm like yeah, I'm real sorry about that and then like me and Joe. We're just
[00:28:20] We did it first of all a lot of it is just white privilege, but yeah like you know immediately
[00:28:26] I was like yeah, I'm fuck. I'm sorry about that
[00:28:28] You know I'm driving him home. He's giving directions and he's fucking trash, you know or whatever and
[00:28:35] Joe's like screaming already, you know, he's like just hamming up how drunk he is
[00:28:39] And I had given the beer and we're left to Joe beforehand
[00:28:43] He just poured it on himself and crammed it under the seat so
[00:28:47] The cops like okay, so you know why you're pulled up. I'm like yeah, obviously driving the wrong way down the thing
[00:28:52] He's like okay. He's like have you been drinking tonight, and I was like I had like two beers, you know
[00:28:56] I was like I had one with like dinner and then another one, you know just right before we left the bar
[00:29:02] You know what am I like drunk or anything?
[00:29:03] He's like okay well can you get out of the car just so I can make sure all that smells coming from him
[00:29:08] I was like yeah sure and then still in my head
[00:29:12] Yeah, and so the cop brings me around behind the car and he's like just hang tight for a second
[00:29:17] And then he like talk goes just beats the shit
[00:29:19] Yeah, so they talk to Joe and they come back over me and the cop looked just like David Bowie
[00:29:46] Yeah, so so this cop look just like David Bowie and like drunk part of my mind is like tell him he looks like David
[00:29:54] That's the whole thing that's like cool. You'll ingratiate yourself to the cop. He's gonna be like oh for real man
[00:30:05] Luckily I didn't you know he was like okay like a you know
[00:30:08] I do smell alcohol and he's like you only had two drinks and he's like are you telling the truth and I was like
[00:30:13] Yeah, it was too. It's like one with dinner and then one just now. He's like, okay
[00:30:16] He's like I do smell a little alcohol in your breath
[00:30:18] I don't think you're lying to me, you know if you'd said you hadn't been drinking that we'd have a fucking issue
[00:30:22] But you know he's like I'm gonna let it slide so he's like
[00:30:27] What you want to do and he like brings me back to my car and he's like you just go around here
[00:30:31] You know take a right and then you know make sure you get on the right side of the road, you know coming around
[00:30:36] I'm like all right. Thanks, you know, and then he I'm like just sitting there with Joe
[00:30:41] I'm like holy fucking shit. I can't believe that worked and as I saying that the cop was like
[00:30:46] He's back at the window. He's like, yeah, you forgot your ID, you know, and I was like, thanks man, you know
[00:30:52] And I really have no idea how I got out of that one. Oh, yeah
[00:30:57] I was when I was 16 or 17 we did mushrooms and me and my buddy did mushrooms and we ran out of cigarettes
[00:31:03] We just ate the mushrooms. We're like we're gonna need cigarettes because when you trip when I used to trip an ice-quoist
[00:31:08] I'm a little too packed. You must have been cool as hell. Oh, dude. I was so much pussy
[00:31:15] Once in high school that was it but nice dude dry fucked a lot
[00:31:20] Yeah, I came in my pants a lot. We figured out that's what first base is it's a walk if you come in your pants
[00:31:35] We both ate an eighth of mushrooms, but I ate mine first like probably 30 minutes before he did
[00:31:42] I hate it and then he came over and ate his and I was like yo, we got a good cigarettes
[00:31:46] And he's like all right, but his mom dropped him off. He's like I'll have a car. I was like
[00:31:51] Drive my car drive my car. We'll go get we'll go get cigarettes. He's like all right
[00:31:56] So we're taking like this back way. Yeah, something something
[00:31:59] I'm like, oh take it right here and he runs a red light like barely runs a red light fucking cop right behind us
[00:32:08] That's how I knew the mushrooms started working because the red and blue lights
[00:32:14] On the inside of my car and this is like dusk
[00:32:17] So it's just starting to get dark and it's like they were like hitting each other and I was like oh
[00:32:27] He's like freaking out my buddy Mike's like I don't know what the fuck would it do wait just wait
[00:32:31] So it's a lady police officer comes to the door. I'm like this
[00:32:37] This is my car. I'm playing on drinking tonight
[00:32:42] Just so I can make sure when I was sober that he could have like mushroom talking
[00:32:47] Okay, can I see both of your licenses and I was like yeah, we both give her our license
[00:32:52] Yeah, okay, and then goes back and we're melting down
[00:32:57] My eyes are melting down like I can't go to jail fucking mushrooms. I'm gonna fucking die
[00:33:04] I don't know like I'm gonna turn to take my license like she better not look at my pupils
[00:33:10] We're waiting for like five minutes. It's starting to get fucking pretty like are they what are they doing?
[00:33:17] No, no, she comes back and she just hands us both of our licenses and she goes
[00:33:23] You boys are having the luckiest day of your life
[00:33:25] There was a shooting that we need to report to so you guys are good to go
[00:33:33] I'm so glad that four-year-old got shot
[00:33:47] Yeah, that's what it's known for this James Holmes James. Oh, so by the way, not even from Aurora's from San Diego
[00:33:53] Oh, why was he there just for the shooting?
[00:33:56] Here it was a really nice shooting theater. It's like I heard the acoustic sauce
[00:34:05] You ever see those those theater chains that are it's like I think they're called tinsel town
[00:34:11] Stupid they have them in Texas. He's like ridiculous movie theaters with this fucking you know
[00:34:16] I like to think of it like shooters do shootings like they're doing an album
[00:34:20] We can do your mass shootings. I was thinking about Santa Barbara
[00:34:24] I feel like the tack. Yeah, I wonder Colorado's like a lot of good shootings there. Yeah, yeah, you know, it's like Columbine the classic
[00:34:38] Doing its by doing your own thing with it. You know, maybe dress up like the Joker
[00:34:43] Yeah, I could not stop laughing at that when what well the Joker thing that you know
[00:34:50] The shooting happened and it's like yeah, he he thought he was the Joker
[00:34:56] Also that shows you he's he so he was a med student at the University of Colorado and University of Colorado built two hospitals in Aurora
[00:35:03] Yeah, like build up Aurora. It was like a
[00:35:10] Not really it's just kind of it's like, you know, middle class. It's the evaporating
[00:35:16] The lower middle it's like if you've ever seen the movie suburbia with flea no
[00:35:22] It's this like early 80s like it's in the same vein as like
[00:35:27] Rivers edge. Okay, I've ever seen rivers edge. Yeah, but yeah, it's got flea in it when he's 16
[00:35:32] Okay, he's like hunks in suburbia. Yeah, that's basically what it's all worn down like all the houses are vacant shit
[00:35:37] Yeah, they're not like yeah close to vacant like now. It's not what it used to be type of thing
[00:35:41] You could tell it was super nice in the seven right right right right right all the architecture
[00:35:45] you're like this was really nice right about like
[00:35:49] We all live in New York like big cities you watch like I've watched all these old buildings come down and new buildings go up
[00:35:54] And they try to update it, but suburbia motherfuckers just keep especially call these keep moving where there's an
[00:36:00] Untouched land right like old build so you can actually see the decades right
[00:36:05] Especially in Aurora where you're like, oh, this was big in the 80s
[00:36:08] This was nice in the 90s. This was nice in the early 2000s and now it's like, you know the McMansion
[00:36:17] So the University of Colorado brought in hospitals to like stimulate the economy of Aurora and James Holmes was like medical
[00:36:24] Student there and I think he was either schizophrenic or bipolar
[00:36:28] But he was off his med he actually he's an agent of chaos
[00:36:35] What if he was the Joker the entire guy?
[00:36:39] This guy they should get him for the new movie. I
[00:36:42] Mean let him out of jail cuz be honest. He was the best Joker
[00:36:51] Nicklson's like I want to go meet the guy
[00:36:53] I want to see how we do if a guy shot up the movie theater acting like Jack Nicholson
[00:37:04] God damn it chief, I'm gonna kill all of them
[00:37:32] Yeah, there's like, that was super fucked up. So I got to make I gotta make good to bring
[00:37:47] And you're on the award winning Paul Giamatti show.
[00:37:53] I just thought that was just a thing you say about things.
[00:37:58] You don't realize those are based on actual things.
[00:38:00] He's some kind of independent spirit award or something.
[00:38:05] Paul Giamatti is an award in and of itself.
[00:38:08] I've won the Paul Giamatti, which is a handshake from Paul Giamatti.
[00:38:19] I'll tell you, I am always about to have a heart attack.
[00:38:25] Yeah, it's almost like Richard Nixon meets Paul Giamatti.
[00:38:33] at the premiere, Judah Freelander was there.
[00:38:36] And Paul was saying hello to everybody.
[00:38:40] And I was like, anybody that likes Judah Freelander that much,
[00:38:53] Do you know Phil Burke, the kid that does,
[00:38:55] he does like Mike's and shows around New York.
[00:38:57] But he did some bar show on the Lower East Side.
[00:39:05] He gave him his agents info and Phil was like beaming.
[00:39:14] And he's never heard it two years later.
[00:39:17] I did a movie with Alec Baldwin and I got a picture.
[00:39:27] Why would I want a really shitty picture of me?
[00:39:29] You know why I wanted a picture with him?
[00:39:32] I was going through a breakup and he just sat there
[00:39:35] For real, dude, we ate a plate of french fries.
[00:39:42] How have you not told this story before?
[00:39:52] Dude, how much more does advice from Alec Baldwin land
[00:39:57] Your best friends could tell you something.
[00:40:00] And it wouldn't be as much as Alec Baldwin.
[00:40:06] He's like, I went through a tough divorce in 2000.
[00:40:12] You called your daughter a rude pig also.
[00:40:22] But it was so crazy that he was just like, here's what I'm
[00:40:25] telling you, don't get married before 35.
[00:40:27] He just told me all this awesome stuff.
[00:40:31] Well, I feel like that applies if you're Alec Baldwin.
[00:40:34] Because Alec Baldwin at 35 was right around when he started
[00:40:41] Oh, you're saying when he was like super handsome.
[00:40:48] He's still good looking for what he's good looking.
[00:40:50] Yeah, he has that thing where like some guys just start to
[00:40:56] Yeah, it looks like they're taking on water.
[00:41:02] It's like Alec Baldwin was on some boat that disappeared.
[00:41:10] Were you almost enslaved by pirates by Hong Kong pirates?
[00:41:33] This is something he calls Chinese people.
[00:41:42] The grandmother doesn't speak any English at all.
[00:41:55] Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,
[00:41:59] dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,
[00:42:01] that plays the G grabbo, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,
[00:42:18] We ain't never going to be woke, bitch.
[00:42:27] Boy on Amy stories about white privilege give me out of conflict
[00:42:35] You know what I hate is wiggers I can't explain why but there's something about on the pisses me off man
[00:42:48] Yeah, no, I can't tell if the if the Chinese people live with like me or not because the language is so harsh
[00:42:53] That like you like I love you in Chinese is like
[00:43:20] Like you live with an emmer if you live near immigrants. Yeah, you're like that guy works
[00:43:24] Oh, yeah, like I remember this dishwasher. I worked with the restaurant
[00:43:29] He was from Ghana. His name was LaSalle and he wouldn't sleep. Yeah, he was his African dude
[00:43:34] And he was like always brag that he never slept. I'd be like was on a where do you sleep?
[00:43:38] I'd do I go to the park and I lay down for 10 minutes. Yeah, I go to my next job and then I come here
[00:43:45] I was like, oh my god. I got six and I am beat
[00:43:49] Yeah for energy. I crushed spider in bowl and drink blood. I
[00:43:54] Don't know if you know this I take the vapor from the dish machine
[00:43:59] I'm like a locomotive. Yeah, I'm steaming Joe. I burn it. It's just he only gets tired when he can't find albinos to eat
[00:44:19] Yeah, no, cuz immigrants don't know about happiness yet. Yeah, it's always there. I'm the shitty kid
[00:44:24] I think it's I don't think it's happiness as much as immigrants don't think they're worth
[00:44:33] Being uncomfortable they don't feel entitled and it's also like if they're a straight-up immigrant like less of the culture is really for them
[00:44:40] Are accessible like what what is the old Chinese grandmother? I live with gonna do this weekend go see the new teenage mutant ninja
[00:44:46] She's gonna go see lady Ghostbusters. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. It's called
[00:45:02] Don't worry. It's the sleepy boys. Yeah, you don't have to be woke
[00:45:06] But also it's that thing of like I think even children of immigrants in an American thing is you think you have the right to not be uncomfortable
[00:45:14] comfortable so when you're uncomfortable you're like
[00:45:17] uncomfortable, yeah, and you take that as like pain what we're like immigrants were like immigrants work like a hundred hours and their
[00:45:23] Hands are bleeding from there being dry. They're like, what's that pain? Yeah, it's funny cuz I mean
[00:45:28] I'd live in a tenement with these this Chinese family
[00:45:31] Yeah, and it's closed quarters and the hot waters off all the time and they have no recourse
[00:45:35] They can't I mean I've complained to 311 it does nothing and they just have to live like that
[00:45:40] They do all their laundry in the fucking shower and they live off pennies and so when you're planning on moving
[00:45:45] I don't well that's the thing is like I'll tell people about it and like even Ari was like yeah
[00:45:50] Human beings aren't supposed to live like that and it's like referring to me. I'm like no plenty do plenty of them
[00:45:57] Like how do you do how do you do that? It's like well? I mean the Chinese do it like yeah, but then you know
[00:46:02] They're different somehow. They're not people and it's funny. I love but because it's on the lower east side is there's all these like
[00:46:09] You know people like tourists will come and we'll go to the tenement museum and go on walking towards the lower east side
[00:46:14] And they'll be like walking past Chinese families that live in the lower east side and they're like yeah
[00:46:21] Immigrants used to struggle in this neighborhood, but I mean like like the good kind of immigrants
[00:46:27] Language that we don't understand like you know the suspender mustache guys the organ grinders the kind of immigrants
[00:46:32] You like to romanticize guys used to wear paper boy hats
[00:46:36] Yeah, not the ones that spend all their time squatting and smoking illegal cigarettes
[00:46:41] contaminated with fucking Chernobyl radiation
[00:46:44] Russian old Moscow yeah, not those kind of boiling chicken hearts. Yeah
[00:46:49] No, but they do it and I mean I actually like I have a lot of respect for them
[00:46:53] Yeah, yeah, and they've been like super cool that they kind of almost like my heart melted when the FBI came to my apartment
[00:47:00] Looking for me and I wasn't there and the fucking dad was like
[00:47:04] Even if they come back we tell them we don't know you
[00:47:10] Yeah, no, but he had no clothes on when he said that too. He was wearing his boxers
[00:47:14] He needing fish eyes off a plate with chopsticks
[00:47:17] And he's like yeah, we tell him we don't know you. It's okay. It don't matter. I tell them fuck off
[00:47:24] We call transport us and you the Hong Kong
[00:47:26] We get transport on bring you back to Hong Kong
[00:47:38] He's the deal. I've got about 15 minutes to put you in the back of this BMW
[00:47:43] Before I have the triads and the FBI come looking for both of us
[00:47:47] So get in right now. No, I'm the transporter. We call transport us
[00:47:59] See him right there the casual conversation. How you doing?
[00:48:07] Where we going oh HK nice. Hope you don't run into Hong Kong
[00:48:12] That's a trailer for the movie call back with Jason
[00:48:21] How does Jason statham not have a podcast that would be the number one celebrity podcast that would immediately be
[00:48:35] Oh listen, I just go through the newspaper and go what the fuck is there?
[00:48:39] Oh, I look Donald Trump ahead again. What the fuck is that?
[00:48:45] Speaking of Donald Trump in British guys. I saw Jeff leech at stand up New York the other night
[00:48:51] And he was doing a bit and his rings fell off
[00:48:59] It was just it was my body. They just he waved his off
[00:49:02] He waved. Yeah, he waved his uh, he waved his hand and all of the rings came off and then went into the audience
[00:49:08] What's your policy on accessories for comedians?
[00:49:12] It's it's yeah, it's it counts as a prop. Yeah, I'm a prop to you if you have a leather band on your wrist
[00:49:19] I'm gonna gun for you to chop your arm off. Yeah, you have machetes. Yeah, she'll all
[00:49:26] Yeah, my friend Ruby was telling this story one time she was like, yeah when I started comedy
[00:49:32] I like would always have to have my sunglasses on my head because I wanted to be like, that's the girl with the sunglasses on her head comic
[00:49:38] Oh, and I was like that doesn't make any sense
[00:49:56] Yo, fuck boys. I gotta get going. All right. Um, yeah, no, normally we do like a break but that
[00:50:01] Um, that was like that's enough time. I think yeah, yeah, you gotta you gotta go do the quota
[00:50:06] Yeah, I feel like a good show I forgot about that one went well. I think that was a good one
[00:50:10] We've got some Jason state of his podcast. That's hilarious. That I feel like that was good
[00:50:14] I don't think we let any of the listeners down
[00:50:17] We also created a better name for come town the sleepy boys sleepy boys. That would be yeah dumb dumb old crew
[00:50:24] Um, I'm telling you could change it now. You're still in the game. No, I'm not changing
[00:50:28] Do you know how much time I spent on that logo? It looks exactly like come
[00:50:33] Dude, it's just a cloudiness to it. I like designed
[00:50:36] It's like four different layers. Not only is it like embosed but in different areas. It's lumpier
[00:50:42] So this is how Dan, you know, Dan's a good friend. He's trying to gently push us to change it
[00:50:46] He's not gonna say yeah, don't he's not gonna say straight up change it
[00:50:49] It's stupid to have a podcast with the word commented. He's like, oh, we got a better one
[00:50:53] I think it's smart. I think it's a smart thing
[00:50:57] Yeah, but I think you're not gonna get people that want to hear this
[00:51:01] People talking about come or fucking we're number 25 on the comedy charts
[00:51:09] So i'm not even on the charts my album is out though good iTunes. Yeah. Yeah, no
[00:51:13] Let's plug all the Dan stuff because Dan's great one of the best comics working
[00:51:18] I'm on twitter and instagram and go buy my album not special on it
[00:51:23] Yeah, and check out the new special on comedy central where you know, yeah
[00:51:28] When this comes out you'll be able to download it on iTunes or the comedy central app
[00:51:31] Yeah, I mean, I've been like a huge fan of yours since we did that south by
[00:51:35] The girls dreams was a boyfriend and it's she's very old with a nice juice
[00:51:41] Um, and that's how we end on a come note, but yeah, thanks for coming dude. Thanks for doing it. Hey, so much better than adam
[00:53:00] What do you think you read for the kids?