Cum Town | Regular | 12/22/2016
[00:00:00] Is the music picking up? It is. Yeah, but it would make it better. It doesn't matter guys if I don't know if the music's picking up on the background or not, but celebrate his playing.
[00:00:14] Why are we celebrating Nick? I heard your complaints about the audio quality, the last couple episodes.
[00:00:22] So as a special treat, we're doing this one in the basement of Caroline's. Well, music is playing and there's some kind of weird resonance on one of the mics from a cell phone.
[00:00:34] Bitch ass. Yeah, it is my birthday. This is a birthday spectacular. Yay, happy birthday, Nick. Happy birthday, bitch.
[00:00:42] Thanks. I'm fucking old now. The birthday, bitch. I'm fucking old.
[00:00:46] Adam's still the oldest one on the show. Really? How old are you? I'll forever be the oldest one on the show. That's how time works. How old are you, bitch?
[00:00:54] I'm 29 years old. Look at Neil deGrasse Tyson over here explaining how time works. Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[00:01:00] Neil deGrasse Tyson. Damn. Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[00:01:10] Hey, man. Neil deGrasse Tyson. I live right near the bank.
[00:01:26] Happy birthday, big ass. That was my present to you.
[00:01:30] My present. Me being anti-stemitic to myself.
[00:01:32] My present is just not doing the podcast anymore. I did buy one of those 4K TVs today.
[00:01:41] It was on sale for Black Friday, the one I was looking at. It was 200 off and it was already pretty cheap because it was last year's model.
[00:01:49] And then it went right back up and I was like, fuck, well, I guess that's the ship sale on that and I googled it today and it was back down 200 for some reason.
[00:02:02] How you get, when's it coming in? Thirst Day. White glove delivery.
[00:02:09] He says, piss shit, fucking salesman. The delivery men aren't allowed to touch my electronics.
[00:02:18] White mother fucking glove. You got to buy PS4 now, dude.
[00:02:22] Eventually, I guess I got to. You know what? I was helping Norman Hormone's Wilkerson move one time.
[00:02:29] And, er, not move. He just had to move a bunch of shit in and out of his house.
[00:02:32] Him and his wife bought this house and remodeled it themselves, so they were moving shit in and out of the garage.
[00:02:37] And while removing, I found this pair of white gloves.
[00:02:39] Very fancy white gloves. And so I put them on and then I was just pantamining lifting stuff.
[00:02:46] Like a mime, which was initially a very funny bit.
[00:02:49] And then after 20 minutes, I still wasn't helping at all.
[00:02:55] And they're like, seriously, why are you even fucking here?
[00:02:58] I'm just going to keep doing that. And then I left the patio door open. They're like, close that.
[00:03:02] The cats are going to get out and I just pretended to close it.
[00:03:05] And the cats ran outside and they just weren't amused.
[00:03:08] Lulu thought it was very funny. Lulu was there.
[00:03:28] Isaac and Lulu were my first roommates in Austin.
[00:03:31] And they're like, they're part of that old stand-hoap, paniment crew.
[00:03:37] People that would go out to the desert.
[00:03:44] It smells like a fucking blackened model.
[00:03:46] When you turn 28, you become old and you just smell like cigars and you're racing.
[00:03:52] Did you guys ever smoke the pipe brand of blackened mild that had the wooden tip?
[00:03:57] No, but Nick used to smoke pipes in his windowless room in China.
[00:04:01] Dude, I just cleaned out my pipe and I'm gonna start smoking it.
[00:04:15] Taking showers in a big-ass utility sink in the hallway?
[00:04:20] There's this old-ass woman that would make soup in that disgusting sink.
[00:04:28] You go in there and you go, go in there and go, go in there.
[00:04:31] I'm like, I have no idea what you're saying.
[00:04:35] I'm like, we're not gonna get anywhere.
[00:04:39] How many people did live on that floor?
[00:04:47] I don't know how many people stayed there.
[00:04:50] You know what's great is, because I guess the doctor wanted to run out to other businesses.
[00:04:53] So the first two rooms were rooms before he gave up and was like, yeah, you look like a judge of trivia.
[00:04:58] So the first room was another acupuncture massage guy.
[00:05:07] And he would always be sitting watching Chinese movies on the shitty little TV while there was a naked man behind him on the table.
[00:05:14] Like a naked Chinese man just lying face down with his ass out.
[00:05:18] And he would just sort of be like, yes, and then slowly close the curtain behind him to cover the new Chinese man.
[00:05:32] It's right next to just you in a windowless room smoking a pipe as a fucking...
[00:05:40] Yeah, that was Nicole Mullen headquarters.
[00:05:44] My favorite thing about that place is that you had a lock on the door.
[00:05:48] But the door was basically like shutters.
[00:05:51] Like it was like Venetian blinds kind of.
[00:05:55] Like literally if you wanted to steal Nick's $12.37 worth of possessions, you could just karate chop your way to this room.
[00:06:02] And everyone that's interesting is they built the place with karate.
[00:06:08] That's the secret to breaking it down is that karate chopped all that fucking equipment up on the walls.
[00:06:11] There was no like fridge right thing right?
[00:06:15] I bought a mini fridge and put it in the...
[00:06:19] No, and then I had to sell that mini fridge on Craigslist.
[00:06:22] And some guy like called me at like two o'clock, two thirty in the morning.
[00:06:26] And like a Wednesday and he's like, you still got that fridge.
[00:06:45] No one thought this was ever going to happen.
[00:06:47] Never thought you'd make it past 25 jokes on you.
[00:06:55] When you're making fun of retarded kids in high school, in your remedial high school class, which is just a step up above.
[00:07:00] I wasn't making fun of retarded kids in high school.
[00:07:08] So retarded kid eating berries or something.
[00:07:19] Was that in high school or middle school?
[00:07:39] We call people and challenged me to duel.
[00:07:48] We had like open lunch and him and these other guys would sit outside of like the wing of the school that was like a special education school built into high school.
[00:07:58] And they would like nickname all of the developmentally disabled kids.
[00:08:01] And like, you know, so there was one that was like, squirrel boy and then frog girl.
[00:08:10] Yeah, well, there was one kid that they called him like a scary face or something like that.
[00:08:14] He was just like, he was probably Mexican.
[00:08:26] Not fuck, fuck, fuck my phone so I called the phone my monthly time to go through.
[00:08:33] I wanted to just tell you, I love you with Happy Birthday at work, safe by.
[00:08:38] Oh yeah, I just tweeted out your phone number for people to call you and tell you Happy Birthday.
[00:08:49] That's why, that's why there's three fucks.
[00:08:57] No, okay, so these guys, uh, sorry, I can't deal with random phone calls after that FBI thing.
[00:09:05] I was watching, when the FBI called me, I was watching, um, the big short.
[00:09:10] And I had a scene where, you know, they're fucking, like, you know, the investigation is great and whatever.
[00:09:16] And then I get a phone call from the fucking FBI.
[00:09:18] And this guy, you know what, I'm just gonna play the voicemail.
[00:09:20] It's Coach from Friday Night Lights, right?
[00:09:25] No, that was in, uh, he was the FBI guy in Wolf of Wall Street.
[00:09:32] Big short was like the worst Wolf of Wall Street.
[00:09:34] Yeah, it's just Wolf of Wall Street, but with nerds.
[00:09:37] The guys who fucking bought fucking, like, wasted all their money on, like, rock climbing gyms when they got rich.
[00:09:45] We should see the Quayludes at Prostitute's one.
[00:09:47] Honestly, that made... I want to be a Wall Street guy, dude.
[00:09:53] It gets to be one of those baseball bats.
[00:10:06] Uh, just looking for a time of talk here.
[00:10:08] Uh, it's just some questions in regards to something that we're looking into.
[00:10:13] Um, I'll give you a call, uh, probably tomorrow.
[00:10:16] Or next day to see, uh, see when you're available.
[00:10:31] But anytime I get a phone call now from a mysterious number, I'm worried it's going to be that voicemail I got while watching the big short from FBI agent with, like, a mid-Atlantic accent too, which made it seem even more like a fucking...
[00:10:46] I think, I think because I was reported by my uncle or whatever, that it went to, like, probably the Philadelphia.
[00:10:55] No, he's like, look, look, oh, I get a chance to talk to you.
[00:10:57] If you get, if there's any, uh, opportunity, I got some questions that I want to ask you.
[00:11:03] Did you ever describe that story on the pod?
[00:11:07] This is more of, we'd like to take, keep it loose here.
[00:11:11] Let's get back to this story about the, uh, scary face.
[00:11:20] He was like Mexican or something and he had the most, like, intense cholo.
[00:11:33] Yeah, he had the most intense, like, uh, like, just pissed off, you know, cholo face.
[00:11:38] Do you have the full mustache at, like, 12?
[00:11:41] Nah, nah, but I, um, I made friends with him in Spanish class.
[00:11:44] He was supposed to be in the same level as Spanish.
[00:11:53] I remember, like, you know, like talking about, like, Jan.
[00:11:56] I'm like, that's cool that you're into, like, sort of a weird thing to be into.
[00:12:03] Jan Hammer is, uh, he was like a synth artist.
[00:12:05] He had, like, a background in, like, uh, like, orchestral music or something.
[00:12:09] Yeah, he was a symphony artist that got into producing theme songs for TV shows.
[00:12:12] So he did, I think, oh, he's definitely done.
[00:12:20] He did, uh, I made, I don't think he did Night Rider, but like, you know, he scored, he scored
[00:12:26] So there's all this shit that's, you know, specifically Jan Hammer stuff.
[00:12:32] And then there was a kid that called Retank.
[00:12:34] Who I don't even think was disabled because he, he had a barbed wire tattoo on his arm.
[00:12:43] And he fucking, uh, he would just drink Bailey's mini Z-flunch.
[00:12:48] He'd just get drunk during school or whatever.
[00:12:51] Uh, but yeah, it was like the first day of spring and there was, like, a bush behind school.
[00:12:56] Me and my friends went to go have a cigarette and they're all out there eating the berries.
[00:13:06] Probably the kind that resulted in, like, diarrhea in the classroom.
[00:13:15] All, all the special edges starts diering.
[00:13:20] They were all like, I mean, none of them were like seriously fucked up.
[00:13:25] So they were kids that were like, maybe they were dyslexic or something.
[00:13:37] I mean, they were like, you know, they were, they had like developmental problems.
[00:13:39] Yeah, so they were like, they had special ed have to.
[00:13:41] It would be extremely cruel to make fun of them to their face and not, you know, sort of
[00:13:45] just snickering from an alley adjacent to the classroom that they used where they tried
[00:13:57] Like, I just figured I'm not even using their hands, just going mouth first and just sucking
[00:14:11] A couple of white-tailed, white-tailed speds.
[00:14:15] I can't bring myself to call actual disabled people the R word.
[00:14:25] If you're calling, you know, a person I just disagree with that probably suffers from
[00:14:28] some kind of mental illness, a retard and an harassment campaign on live to make their
[00:14:35] But if it's a development, it's an actual person with a disability.
[00:14:42] You know, if it's a blogger that just cares about social issues and they happen to go
[00:14:44] about it in like kind of a hysterical way, by all means, you know, harass that person
[00:14:51] Despite the fact that they have great intentions and they just want to make a way of a better
[00:15:03] My best friend's growing up turned out to be like a PhD in fluid dynamics and he goes
[00:15:11] And I think it's because he learned piano and I didn't.
[00:15:16] As a kid, he learned piano and that made him smart.
[00:15:21] I was too busy being awful at dodgeball.
[00:15:26] You're just funny when they made dodgeball illegal.
[00:15:28] I'm like, oh, these fucking pussy kids.
[00:15:30] And then secretly I was like, thank you.
[00:15:38] Every ball I threw got caught, I would always get fucking danged and jam my fingers.
[00:15:44] I could whip the damn dodgeball around.
[00:15:48] Actually, I used to be like one of those asshole kids that just hit in the back until other
[00:15:55] I would go right up to the front lines.
[00:15:57] I would go right up to the front lines.
[00:16:00] I had a very saving private Ryan attitude to it.
[00:16:03] No, no, I was in charge and then get somebody out quick as fuck.
[00:16:05] I was definitely, I would definitely be like a purple heart metal of honor kind of guy
[00:16:09] in the way of do not not so much like a silver star.
[00:16:12] I'd be one of the guys that they name a bridge after because I'm such a hero, but bad shooting.
[00:16:18] Fuck, I used to love deflecting the ball with the ball.
[00:16:26] I mean, my friends used to go to this parking garage and play at night when we were in our
[00:16:31] We could probably get a fucking nice crew of people playing dodgeball.
[00:16:35] The cops came by one time and he was like, they were like, what the fuck are you guys
[00:16:40] You know, they saw we had like all the balls and shit and they were like, oh, you guys
[00:16:44] And they were like, yeah, and they were like, all right, yeah, sure.
[00:16:51] I love when people are like, hey, that cop was actually really fucking cool.
[00:16:55] And what they mean is like, wow, the cop didn't rape me.
[00:16:59] The cop wasn't a complete asshole like they usually are.
[00:17:03] So if you're a good cop, just means you like are at the courtesy level of a normal human
[00:17:08] Just the guy in behind you at the grocery store.
[00:17:13] One time me and my friend Tommy were driving onto an off ramp of the freeway like completely
[00:17:21] We got pulled over and I just told the cop, uh, I'm, we're trying to meet my family at
[00:17:28] That was the first thing that came to my mind.
[00:17:31] He was like, well, you're going to want to go down that way.
[00:17:41] No, I mean, I, I told you that story about me almost getting that DUI.
[00:17:48] What a lucky, no, I'm such a fucking lucky.
[00:17:50] That's like the thing where people are, yeah, when people are like, what?
[00:17:55] I work in fucking radio shack and it's like, well, that, that, that's a perfect example.
[00:18:03] Anyway, anyway, I could any, there's no possible way I could disregard the law more
[00:18:11] Did you tell, have you still on the podcast though?
[00:18:19] I'm just for like not having a seatbelt.
[00:18:23] I don't know what the fuck does that have?
[00:18:24] And then he, he wanted to get my brother.
[00:18:28] And it was like some, it was like some Jamaican comp.
[00:18:34] And he, he just insisted on my brother writing down his name.
[00:18:38] I don't know what scam he thought I was pulling, but just not having my seatbelt on.
[00:18:43] I, I had a cop give me a bullshit ticket a couple of weeks ago for what?
[00:18:51] And it's not technically a truck route, but I've never, I've never driven on truck routes
[00:18:58] I'd stay off roads and say no trucks, but I've never used the truck routes.
[00:19:03] He's like, yeah, I've been following you for like 10 blocks.
[00:19:08] And I had another guy with me and we're like, what fucking signs?
[00:19:10] You know, there's like there's signs everywhere.
[00:19:11] Like, but what, you know, which, what is the name of one?
[00:19:21] So I got two points on my license for that shit.
[00:19:26] One time I like, when I was like running the music space, like our final show ever, like
[00:19:33] We had like a, we had a big show and like, I, I took MDMA.
[00:19:42] And I like sort of was able to like get them.
[00:19:47] You know, you know, you guys have come a bunch of times.
[00:19:50] This is probably going to be the last time they're like, all right, all right.
[00:19:54] And I was just like such a piece of shit, like on so many drugs that I like made them
[00:20:00] You're like, go get your fucking shine box.
[00:20:04] No, I made them stay to shake all their hands.
[00:20:13] I was arrested like when I was when I got pulled over and I had been drinking and that like
[00:20:18] cop was like running my shit and I was like trying to be cool as possible.
[00:20:21] The cop looked like David Bowie in my head.
[00:20:26] I'm so glad I did because you imagine immediately just like, all right, you're going to jail
[00:20:31] because even if I was right, it's like the cop doesn't want to hear that.
[00:20:35] No cop wants to be compared to David Bowie.
[00:20:39] They want to be compared to Ted Nugent.
[00:20:43] As anyone ever told you, you look like Ted Nugent.
[00:20:50] It's the greatest torn aim of all time.
[00:20:57] Well, Chris Cubus went on tour with Ralphie May a couple years ago.
[00:21:04] I was saying the triple XL boys the company.
[00:21:07] I was saying you guys have to call it obesity and obesity.
[00:21:26] And it's like all military people, which is weird because I thought they had to do push
[00:21:30] But apparently you just go to San Antonio.
[00:21:35] Well, they also all they all love the rodeo.
[00:21:37] So they dress like fucking cowboys, but it looks like it looks like Halloween costumes
[00:21:41] because like who did your too fat to sit on an animal?
[00:21:46] So it looks like a bunch of fat people dressed up for Halloween as cowboys and then eat all
[00:21:59] They're pretty cool looking in San Antonio.
[00:22:01] Well, the alma is like right in the middle.
[00:22:02] The alma is like the pyramids are in Egypt where it's like, you know, you see the shots
[00:22:08] If you just turn the camera slightly, there's like a radio shack.
[00:22:13] So the alma in San Antonio is like in the middle of this downtown area and it's like
[00:22:20] San Antonio is actually the older parts of the city are pretty, you know, yeah, there's
[00:22:30] My own my cousin came to visit me when I was living in Austin and they were like, let's
[00:22:40] Well, cause my cousin was like 12 at the time and it wasn't like, let's go get him drunk.
[00:22:44] He's going out to eat six and teach him out of a fucking girl who wears suspenders.
[00:22:57] Dude, I'm so glad I live there in my early twenties.
[00:23:03] That's like, it seems like it's probably not cool anymore.
[00:23:04] Like this Facebook and shit is there now, right?
[00:23:10] The thing about the thing that protects Austin for being too yuppified is that it is in the
[00:23:16] So the closest city is like, I think Dallas or Waco, Waco sucks dick.
[00:23:22] You know, Dallas, Dallas kind of sucks.
[00:23:29] And, you know, you're in the middle of a fucking red state in a relatively small city,
[00:23:37] It's probably over a million now, but yeah.
[00:23:48] But gordos became a restaurant and now it sucks.
[00:23:50] Gordos used to just be a donut trailer.
[00:23:54] But they got the restaurant now and I went there last time I was in Austin.
[00:23:58] And maybe the donuts are still all right.
[00:24:05] And then like if you want it in New York, they have it here.
[00:24:12] They have all those weird fucking birds there too.
[00:24:21] Bats are fucking there's that bridge where all those bats.
[00:24:23] There's a bunch of bats under the bridge.
[00:24:24] It's just fucking a rodent problem that flies.
[00:24:29] A bat fucking a bat flew onto the train.
[00:24:41] The bat flew into the train and lands on the fucking ground.
[00:24:44] And I immediately opened like the door to go to the next car.
[00:24:47] I'm like, you know, and she was like, you're afraid of bats.
[00:24:50] I'm like, I'm afraid of rabies when I don't have fucking health insurance.
[00:24:55] You know, if that thing bites you, you have to go get a fucking rainy shot.
[00:24:56] You can get it from Guana from the poop.
[00:25:02] It's also, this isn't a bat in a while.
[00:25:03] Right on the fucking subway, like something is wrong with that bat.
[00:25:08] And she's like, oh, I can't believe you're being a fucking pussy about the bat.
[00:25:10] And it's like, I don't care about the bat.
[00:25:16] She's asked not to talk shit about her.
[00:25:21] I'm talking shit about I'm defending myself in this bat story.
[00:25:25] And then so some other guy sees like the girl, you know, fucking helping the bat.
[00:25:29] So he's like, I'm going to be the tough guy and like pick the bat up or whatever.
[00:25:33] And he's like, you know, he's like, he goes and he gets it in his hands and his hands
[00:25:36] are shaking because he doesn't want to pick up this fight.
[00:25:39] He's already seen her call me out for being a pussy.
[00:25:40] So he's like, I can't be a fucking pussy.
[00:25:42] And he's holding the bat and he's like, oh, it bit me.
[00:25:48] And I'm like, yeah, dude, you need to go to the hospital.
[00:25:51] And we get off the train and he's like, okay.
[00:25:53] And you know, they put the fucking bat outside or whatever.
[00:26:02] He just get just get rabies in a feast foaming at the mouth of the batman mask.
[00:26:08] Have you ever seen a video of a bat master baiting?
[00:26:23] What's your favorite video of an animal beating off?
[00:26:32] He like stops for a second to look around.
[00:26:38] I hate it when people do that with animals.
[00:26:39] They're like, wow, look at the dick on that horse.
[00:26:42] And it's like, yeah, it's bigger than your dick.
[00:26:44] But in terms of horses, dicks, is that a big thing?
[00:26:47] I'm not going to compliment this animal for having a big day.
[00:26:53] I don't know if it could be an average.
[00:27:01] You can't fucking compare it to your own.
[00:27:06] Like gorillas all have little dicks, and it's funny.
[00:27:07] And it was our complimenting me for being smart.
[00:27:15] People are like, wow, look how fucking smart he is.
[00:27:24] There's this guy I saw on YouTube that has a cat.
[00:27:30] And his wife's filming him, and he's sitting in the living room in a lazy boy chair, and
[00:27:33] he's laying back, and there's a Komodo dragon just resting on him.
[00:27:38] You know, shooting his tongue in and out.
[00:27:41] And big boy just hanging out in the living room.
[00:27:46] And it's like, that thing thinks you're a rock.
[00:27:51] You generate heat, so it's sitting on you to keep itself warm.
[00:27:59] That thing will try and eat you so quick, too.
[00:28:01] It evolved like 10 million years before anything resembling you existed.
[00:28:10] Wait, that's straight from the other kind of house.
[00:28:11] They're one of the most dangerous predators, right?
[00:28:15] No, dude, those are the most dangerous.
[00:28:19] I've often been compared to a mongoose.
[00:28:24] The most wonderful Puerto Rican monies of comedy.
[00:28:27] You know, mongooses do kill rattlesnades.
[00:28:29] You actually the most dangerous predator?
[00:28:41] So what are we going to do for your birthday, dude?
[00:28:43] Are we going to hit some batting cages?
[00:28:45] I kind of want to go to Dave & Buster's.
[00:28:50] I said I was going to go see a movie after dinner.
[00:28:51] But yeah, I could go to Dave & Buster's.
[00:28:54] You wanna do that? Yeah, let's do it. Let's fucking do it. Let's get a little crew.
[00:28:56] Plus, times square. It's right here. Right here in the heart of the city.
[00:29:01] Don't tell people where I'm going, dude.
[00:29:03] You know how many people I get following me around because of this podcast?
[00:29:22] You know what I was thinking about folks.
[00:29:30] That's what the leisure people don't want you to know.
[00:29:37] Did you see this conspiracy theory that Bill Hicks is actually just Alex Jones?
[00:29:47] do you guys know about like McDonald's has their own monopoly now?
[00:29:57] My favorite McDonald's conspiracy theory that I would see
[00:30:04] but woke black friends from high school was they had these
[00:30:08] these videos going around about how Jews
[00:30:11] abduct black children and put them in McDonald's.
[00:30:15] No McDonald's chicken nuggets is black.
[00:30:20] an old one about a monster and they have and they have like this
[00:30:26] It's one of the most funny and hateful things I've ever seen in my
[00:30:34] Which one Jews steal black children and put them in McDonald's?
[00:30:42] Yeah, that's like sort of where you grew up sort of thing in the West coast.
[00:30:49] In and out to evangelical Christian company.
[00:30:56] Me and my friend, my dick went in and out of a position.
[00:30:58] Me and my friend Max were talking about this gay Dominican guy.
[00:31:04] Who's allowed and who's not allowed in the restaurant?
[00:31:10] I was telling Nick before the show, but we were talking to this gay
[00:31:13] Dominican guy that works at the front desk at his storage facility
[00:31:16] and he was like, yeah, I'm just ready for vacation.
[00:31:48] Me and Tim Dillon, who is way overdue for an appearance.
[00:31:55] He's like, hey, I feel like I could just make a good burger at home.
[00:31:58] He's like, why would I go out there a restaurant?
[00:32:02] That's something you could totally make by yourself.
[00:32:04] I made some fucking good ass pork ribs, my dudes.
[00:32:08] If you get enough, if you had a couple of friends in food blogs
[00:32:10] where you're like, look, I'm opening up this bullshit gourmet chip
[00:32:13] restaurant, where we just have kettle cooked chips.
[00:32:18] We serve them to people $85 at play, small plate chips.
[00:32:22] And all we do is chips and french fries.
[00:32:36] People forget that his name is also George Zimmer.
[00:32:48] But when the George Zimmerman thing happened, I was like, everyone's
[00:32:52] You're gonna like looking like the president's son if he had one.
[00:33:01] No, not only was he the spokesperson, he was like the CEO.
[00:33:06] They fired him because of the Trayvon Martin thing.
[00:33:19] So what are you guys gonna do with your next check?
[00:33:25] Yeah, it all has to get a taxes at this point.
[00:33:30] I think I want to buy an even better blender.
[00:33:35] That I'm hoping that about like a new blender comes out to spare.
[00:33:40] And then I get it and stop stuck with that bullshit.
[00:33:48] And it has to come over and I put his blender in my blender.
[00:33:50] You blend it up on some destroyers blender and I drink it in front of him.
[00:33:54] Dude, that would be so fucking, that would be getting cucked on a whole new level.
[00:33:59] I went outside of my apartment last night and, uh, this like old lady walks by and she's
[00:34:08] She's like, every time I come by here, I find the best shit out front.
[00:34:12] Well, thanks for just being out front about going through our garbage.
[00:34:15] You know, she's like, why are people so sensitive about their garbage?
[00:34:18] Cause I have important documents in there.
[00:34:20] Well, you should shred your shit up or tear it up.
[00:34:25] I got yelled at straight up for throwing my dog poops.
[00:34:33] Actually, that would be a good use for the Vitamix if I got one.
[00:34:39] Someone got mad at you for throwing dog shit.
[00:34:42] I was like throwing my dog, my dog poop.
[00:34:44] Like I tied the bag up in this guy's garbage and he comes out of his house.
[00:34:48] He's like, he's like, you throw, hey, you throw your shit in my, in my trash can.
[00:34:56] And he's like, Oh, no, no, take that shit home.
[00:35:01] He made me open it up and reach into his garbage in those situations.
[00:35:06] And those situations all you ever need to do is go call the police and walk away.
[00:35:13] That guy would have beat the shit out of Adam.
[00:35:16] Not if he thinks that you're the kind of guy that has no problem calling the police.
[00:35:19] Which it was like an old black guy with a USMC t-shirt on.
[00:35:23] Oh, he wouldn't beat the shit out of you.
[00:35:32] Instead of grand Torino, it's cooped a bill.
[00:35:47] It would also be easy to defend if it was a black guy instead of a fucking old white man.
[00:35:52] A black guy white kids have been racist towards.
[00:35:56] That like it's seen in grand Torino where he brings the kid to meet the Irish guy and he's
[00:36:03] He's like nothing, you pole locks out of a bitch.
[00:36:05] And they laugh and they're like, hey, so black guy in a kike in a fucking chink walk into
[00:36:12] a bar and our dinner goes get the hell out.
[00:36:15] And then he looks at the Chinese kid and he's like, this is how men talk.
[00:36:33] It's a star vehicle for fucking slurs no one's used since like the Donald Duck fights the
[00:36:49] I suspect spooks like you three feet high in Korea.
[00:36:55] He says, first of all, this is the only movie I know I have the entire script, remember.
[00:37:02] He drives up in his pickup truck to the black teenagers harassing the kid.
[00:37:11] And then the fucking white kid's like, yeah, go old man.
[00:37:18] The funniest part of that movie is the closing credits.
[00:37:25] He decides that he's not going to get his own song.
[00:37:37] My friend Brendan, his dad, my friend Brendan's dad, like got a copy of that song and he was
[00:37:42] like, oh, this is such a beautiful song.
[00:38:04] Budo, doze, trays shut the fuck up pussy.
[00:38:12] The funniest ones I think are slurs against Italians.
[00:38:16] Well, those ones all came back sort of, I feel like.
[00:38:21] Because they're fully white people now in this country.
[00:38:25] Well, the ones, the anti Irish ones, are always fucking stupid.
[00:38:28] Like, get out of here, you damn potato eater.
[00:38:33] There's no good ones for Greek people either.
[00:38:51] So they got rid of their soussège on the boat, on the way over here.
[00:38:57] Well, all Italian Americans, there were so many people on the boats.
[00:39:02] Basically, the Moors came up to Sicily.
[00:39:07] And, you know, the Italian men had very minuscule because of like the Renaissance.
[00:39:14] They were all castrated at a young age.
[00:39:19] Well, they were doing it by their own volition.
[00:39:23] When the Moors invaded, all of the Italian women were like, oh, finally, it's a man who
[00:39:28] I can actually feel it instead of it feeling like a slight breeze on the May of a giant.
[00:39:38] So the original Italian men were almost bred out of existence.
[00:39:48] So the Italian Americans that came over were all penisless.
[00:39:52] So in Alice Island, the Irish who were just doing their jobs, they were like, let's call
[00:39:56] They didn't know what you had there to put down.
[00:40:07] They should stick together to the Irish and the Italians.
[00:40:16] I would love it if there was such strong Irish Italian resentment going on in America
[00:40:23] that both groups who were responsible for racism towards brown people...
[00:40:28] ...did not have time to hate people of color.
[00:40:31] I don't know if they were responsible, but they were definitely champions of it.
[00:40:38] I think there were some Anglo-Saxons that were definitely...
[00:40:41] That's why I love people that are Islamophobic or whatever.
[00:40:44] Like, these Muslims coming over here and like...
[00:40:49] It's like, at least terrorism is connected to some kind of like global ideology or something
[00:40:55] or they think God's telling them to do it.
[00:40:58] You compare like the draft day riots and what the Irish did because they're like,
[00:41:06] Yeah, they murdered like little black girls.
[00:41:14] The lyric was the most racist city in the north by far.
[00:41:21] I've often said that the only word that ends in ER that people from Southy can pronounce
[00:41:35] You know, Trump's having them play at his inauguration.
[00:41:47] I'm going to record the national anthem.
[00:41:51] Anybody who's ever liked that song is an idiot.
[00:41:59] It's like fucking open ass E-chords, bagpipes and just some gay chanting.
[00:42:10] I should never have told me that before.
[00:42:22] I started playing trombone in fourth grade.
[00:42:25] And then, well, those are the options, dude.
[00:42:49] Is that where the Tim Allen grunt came from?
[00:42:53] Well, originally it came from Al's ass.
[00:42:55] And there was no way for them to edit it out.
[00:43:03] I tried to play guitar for like when I was in ninth grade.
[00:43:09] And my fingers were literally too fat to play guitar well.
[00:43:15] But you know, I got the beginning of the Godfather theme and I look at that part of Sweet Child
[00:43:23] So I got a lot of fucking head in high school, honestly, off that shit.
[00:43:28] If you go back to my childhood room, if you go back to Baltimore, it's just like the fucking
[00:43:33] wackest, just tackiest 10th grade white kid posters.
[00:43:37] It's just like, they're still in there.
[00:43:42] I'm on turn my room into like a little office guest bedroom area.
[00:43:46] So there's all these, she's painting the room pink.
[00:43:53] So there's like, you know, moral compass and like pictures of Jesus.
[00:43:56] They raised all traces of you existing there.
[00:44:16] Your parents probably also Holocaust deniers.
[00:44:18] No, it wasn't a Holocaust denier cult, but they were in it for, they thought there were
[00:44:23] They were in it for years and then they were at a retreat in Colorado and then it was like
[00:44:27] the Sunday morning of the retreat and they're like, all right, now, has anyone here heard
[00:44:34] And then like literally they mentioned Jesus and my dad snapped out of like the cult trance
[00:44:47] It was like a group that like got together and hung out.
[00:44:50] It was presented as an ontological organization studying being, you know, that's how it all
[00:45:05] My dad was like, I kind of got it because he was like, I didn't talk to my family for like
[00:45:09] And he was like, you know, that was actually my fault.
[00:45:12] He's like, I got involved in this organization.
[00:45:17] Yeah, it's always some like very like non-descript, like weird.
[00:45:22] He was like, it wasn't really a cult so much, but there was a, because there was all this
[00:45:27] Oh, that's like just like, think about Scientology.
[00:45:32] Like, like, sounds like the losing competitors to Scientology.
[00:45:37] It's all answering the same basic question that any religion is trying to answer, which
[00:45:40] is like, oh, it's really sad that we're just going to die and like, you know, I'm trying
[00:45:47] But, that's why you got to get into Zen.
[00:45:50] Zen doesn't make you excommunicate anybody.
[00:45:54] It doesn't make you actually educate anybody.
[00:45:59] I had a mental breakdown like 10 years ago and started going, that was the only religion
[00:46:07] You're actually not supposed to do anything.
[00:46:14] Fools in, I guess, is you fucking, you like have construction projects you fucking work
[00:46:21] I used to go to this end though and the guy like built the whole fucking place himself,
[00:46:24] this old Chinese guy, like a Korean guy, built the fucking, so your woodworking is just
[00:46:29] a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
[00:46:34] And that's what my motorcycle obsession is all about.
[00:46:37] Well, it's so he's making a joke about Zen in the art of motorcycle.
[00:46:48] It connects like the, the canon, like a Eastern or Western philosophical canon to the Zen.
[00:46:55] And it does, you know, through, I'm so, I mean, stoicism is essentially the same exact
[00:47:01] I'm so jealous that you guys had dads that fucking read books and shit.
[00:47:03] My dad, my dad didn't really read books.
[00:47:05] I mean, he's my dad read books in the 70s.
[00:47:08] My dad was super tested books in the early 2000s.
[00:47:11] My dad's exposure to art was because he was a photographer.
[00:47:13] So you notice like a decent amount about visual art, but, you know, I've talked to him about
[00:47:17] literature and he hasn't really read much.
[00:47:19] He's read, he's read the Russians, which everybody fucking reads.
[00:47:23] And then like maybe Tropic of Cancer and then Cold Mountain, which he read 25 years ago,
[00:47:26] and he brings up any time you mentioned any book.
[00:47:30] And I always said it was because I always thought it was because he was Greek.
[00:47:33] And then his like childhood friend from Athens came to visit.
[00:47:36] And we're just like, he knew everything.
[00:47:38] He was like talking about the election.
[00:47:39] And I was like, oh, my dad's just fucking, he's, he's European.
[00:47:43] He's played up like Bernie's fucking tax plan and shit like that.
[00:47:48] And it's like, oh, he speaks better angles to my father did fucking bullshit.
[00:47:55] Maybe he's really good at something you just don't know about.
[00:47:58] He's good at cheating on my mom and woodworking.
[00:48:08] I love the Philanderer and philanthropist.
[00:48:16] If you fuck, what I do is I pledge, I'm gonna cheat on my wife a thaw.
[00:48:20] And every time I fuck a different woman, you pledge 50 dollars.
[00:48:24] Whenever I imagine you and your father, I imagine the yellow M&M and the red M&M.
[00:48:31] No, you're dad's the yellow and you're the red one.
[00:48:37] You and Eldis are a lot like the yellow.
[00:48:40] This is 100% the yellow and the red one.
[00:48:44] We're doing that shit for Halloween dog.
[00:48:49] Don't you ever fucking step on my line.
[00:48:55] You better believe I know where it's going.
[00:48:57] You fucking trust me to say a fucking line piece of shit.
[00:49:01] I just thought that maybe it's good chemistry if we go to the same place.
[00:49:06] I'm the pretzel M&M, which is the one with autism, which they had to take out of the
[00:49:11] Didn't they use to have a tan one that they got rid of?
[00:49:16] Do you remember those commercials or the brown one would show up and they would all
[00:50:02] I had another one that I came up with for the Christmas album.
[00:50:04] Why don't you come to my place after Bay of the Busters?
[00:50:07] It's not dreaming of a white Christmas.
[00:50:14] I'm beginning to suck a lot of dudes off everywhere I go.
[00:50:26] So I think they're kicking us out here.
[00:50:27] Yeah, they seem to be like there's a lot of angry stares.
[00:50:32] There's something setting up and I'm keep hoping that it's a surprise party for me,
[00:50:35] but it's looking like some kind of corporate event.
[00:50:40] They're just setting them up and they're like, yeah, ignore those guys and we're over
[00:50:43] here like and then I said, I fucked her in the app.
[00:50:47] What if it's the Grinch, but he's got a dick on his face.
[00:50:52] What if it's no this is a bank America corporate retreat?
[00:50:55] We paid good money to sit in this basement.
[00:50:58] Or the top part, the top part of his head that's like pointy would have that's a dick.
[00:51:11] But some guy some poor guy that like, you know, can't afford to live in the town.
[00:51:15] Yeah, everybody lives on the outskirts of town.
[00:51:25] So he goes down there and fucking, you know, appropriately redistributes the wealth and
[00:51:30] that society and then they fucking shame him for it.
[00:51:33] And they're like, you know, they're all happy anyways because no matter what, they're
[00:51:36] You know, rich people don't need money to be happy.
[00:51:39] And he's like, I guess I'll give this stuff back to him because there's no point.
[00:51:48] Larry, people got mad at the second Batman movie because it was like anti occupy.
[00:51:56] I don't remember because it'd be like Bane is like the occupy.
[00:52:00] Oh, all those Christopher Nolan Batman movies are like super right wing.
[00:52:04] I mean, the whole concept of visual anti justice is like kind of a right wing.
[00:52:08] Oh, let's let's have justice without like, you know, a trial or I found you follow
[00:52:21] But it's funny about him is he's like hands down pound for pound, probably the strongest
[00:52:27] When it comes to Olympic weightlifting, but he doesn't like he obviously doesn't train
[00:52:35] He looks like, you know, yeah, I mean, he's kind of built.
[00:52:39] Yeah, you wouldn't be able to tell a difference between him and like, you know, like a guy
[00:52:43] that just loads the back of a fucking garbage.
[00:52:46] You know, and he's like balding all shitty and like, he's from Kazakhstan.
[00:52:51] Of course, but I would love to see his like going out picks.
[00:52:56] You know, like a fucking Puma track pants.
[00:53:02] And then like a headband like a tie dye headband.
[00:53:05] But he has a he has a picture of him in the Joker.
[00:53:12] Now the guy with the three inch wide thumb is Dennis Sipeland.
[00:53:18] He's a bodybuilder, but he's like the one of the like number one arm wrestling guys.
[00:53:28] Yeah, there's a video of of Iliya Iliyan, Demetri clock off and then another guy and
[00:53:40] They're like going to some CrossFit in Long Island City or something and all of them
[00:53:43] live in like form and Soviet like, you know, right, right, just the work I was in Russia.
[00:53:50] How do they get that big, just even fucking cow meat and shit?
[00:53:53] Well, it's not you need you need the protein to like build muscle and get big, but as far
[00:53:57] as like, like weightlifting goes, strength is like mostly neurological and it is a sports
[00:54:03] that requires like coordination and like the like optimizing your mechanics of how quickly
[00:54:10] So like a lot of that is they're just, you know, they are very strong, but they're better
[00:54:13] at like doing it than, you know, but dude, how the fuck do you get nutrients?
[00:54:17] Isn't that like Georgia isn't just like a bunch of can you see what the fucking Chinese
[00:54:23] They like fucking general, so is chicken and bullshit, ramen, like top ramen and stuff.
[00:54:27] It's like videos of like, yeah, those like, damn, that sounds tight.
[00:54:32] Yeah, those Chinese guys like Lu Xiaozhong and shit eating lunch and it's like garbage,
[00:54:37] but those guys are fucking Jack because they do bodybuilding stuff in addition to, you
[00:54:49] So there's a video of them in Long Island City or whatever.
[00:54:55] And they're all in like the car and they're like, you know, somebody's taping them and they
[00:54:58] You know, like track suits again, you know, like fucking.
[00:55:01] And, you know, they're like waving at the camera.
[00:55:03] They're like, what's up, you know, and Iliya who like doesn't even speak English.
[00:55:10] And then the camera moves away or whatever.
[00:55:14] And then in the comments in the YouTube video in like Russian, it says like, Dimitri,
[00:55:18] nigga is a very offensive word in English.
[00:55:20] You need to tell Iliya that you can't say that.
[00:55:23] And then in like Dimitri responded like in Russian, like, I will inform him.
[00:55:47] Do you follow the guy, the Chechen, like the leader of Chechen on Instagram?
[00:55:59] He like thinks he's like a medieval king.
[00:56:03] I mean, he's also it's weird because the Chechnya is awesome Muslim.
[00:56:07] So like all the women are wearing like jobs and stuff.
[00:56:12] No, but like he has like parties where he gets like celebrities to come to the party.
[00:56:23] He got like, I mean, I guess it's sort of like Putin gets the goal and shit.
[00:56:29] I forgot who he got, but it's like it was like fuck.
[00:56:33] Do you remember Nick who Kaderov got to go to that party for him?
[00:56:41] I remember to be honest with you, Kaderov is not as good on Instagram as like the other
[00:56:51] Well, basically there was a civil war in Chechnya.
[00:56:55] So there's like separatist, uh, Chechen groups.
[00:57:01] So he's the guy that's installed by the by Kremlin by the Kremlin and by Putin to like,
[00:57:06] uh, you know, like crush any resistance.
[00:57:09] But his dad was like one of the freedom fighters and then they sort of signed a deal with the
[00:57:16] But like the thing is, is like he's not necessarily that easy to control.
[00:57:21] And like he's like, he's also a maniac.
[00:57:23] He might just tell Putin to fuck off at some point and potentially at some point.
[00:57:27] And then Trump is going to have to go and then by himself, just gun the shit down.
[00:57:36] Trump's palms have to be so pillowy soft.
[00:58:10] Well, Dennis, the cycling Cobb is the best of all.
[00:58:18] That's a throwback Igor sucks kids off.
[00:58:28] This is the kind of shit he puts on him.
[00:58:31] I'm wearing like a speedo thong and that dress is like a Viking otherwise.
[00:58:46] Oh, congrats to stop who's just featured in in gay guy magazine.
[00:59:00] One of the 11 men redefining male beauty.
[00:59:10] You know that guy from the Hispanic friend on chewy.
[00:59:19] What a fucking reference to pull out when someone just says Hispanic friend.
[00:59:24] It's Chelsea Handler's gimmicky, midget assistant.
[00:59:31] That's kind of like, I'm internalized racism.
[00:59:35] I really meant someone says Hispanic and the first thing that pops in your head is chewy
[00:59:53] I when I had a, he's one of the first manager I ever had in business.
[00:59:57] When I was getting my start in show business, the first manager ever had real piece of work,
[01:00:05] And I talked to him and I was like, yeah, so I want to write for television and you don't
[01:00:10] He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great.
[01:00:12] What we really need for you is a website.
[01:00:15] I was like, yeah, I don't think people need a website.
[01:00:20] He's like, well, we're going to get, we're going to get on it.
[01:00:22] We're going to get a new website for you.
[01:00:25] And we were thinking of it's something like Gabrielle Glasey's website.
[01:00:30] And I go to it and there's like animations of popcorn.
[01:00:37] I have no interest in working with you.
[01:00:43] We need a home star runner where it just starts playing for eight straight minutes and you
[01:00:53] I want to sign up for Planet Fitness and then be like, okay, great.
[01:00:57] So I can start working out whenever and they're like, yeah, and then just leave and come back
[01:01:01] Just trying to get it through the door.
[01:01:02] They're like, sir, sir, what are you doing?
[01:01:07] I was promised I could bring my giant tire.
[01:01:14] It's still trying to get my giant tiger.
[01:01:27] One time, I'm like, yeah, what are those dumbass ropes for?
[01:01:31] And I was like, oh, all right, I guess they're cool.
[01:01:33] You know, they're not weird or something.
[01:01:41] It's like good cardio and probably a good workout for your shoulders or whatever.
[01:01:44] But dude, you don't tell me you're gonna have to feel powerful, dude.
[01:01:46] Like, you just fucking whip in some big-ass horses with that shit.
[01:01:49] Yeah, I don't need to pay $45 a month to go wave my arms.
[01:01:56] I use like a big rope and then I just pull us a Boeing 787 dream liner.
[01:02:02] I instead of the ropes, I just bring my own extension cord to the gym and I just fucking
[01:02:10] I can't say shit because I'm working out, dude.
[01:02:13] And if you fucking criticize me after I brought my extension cord here, a heavy ass one.
[01:02:29] And he never worked out and he could fucking, he could fuck your wife at him.
[01:02:35] Well, Herschel Walker has like a push up.
[01:02:39] But Herschel Walker has a push up and sit up regime.
[01:02:42] But one of the other things he does is he lives on like a farm somewhere and he just
[01:02:46] has like a mountain of dirt and he just takes a shovel and just moves the mountain of dirt
[01:02:53] That's like what, that's like a tall tail like Jen John Henry's.
[01:03:00] And he carried that ox until the ox was grown and then he could lift the fucking, you know,
[01:03:07] he was strong man and he went around the country planning seeds and those seeds grew up into
[01:03:14] I wonder how easy it is to just pretend to be a tour guide and just hide.
[01:03:23] No, I mean, I mean, not being a tour guide.
[01:03:26] I mean, like going to a museum being like guys, if you want to follow me around.
[01:03:30] We'll go on clipboard in a fucking little skinny tie.
[01:03:34] This exhibit is where they actually planned the fiction was the Holocaust.
[01:03:38] This is a Hitler coming up with the numbers now.
[01:03:43] You notice Hitler, a lot of people don't know this.
[01:03:49] The entirety of World War II was a Zionist conspiracy to create Israel.
[01:03:59] Oh, I'm sorry, my name is Adam Friedland.
[01:04:04] I live at, then I just say you're a dress on the podcast.
[01:04:13] Well, tell you what, folks, we are out of time.
[01:04:20] Do you want to do the birthday thing for now?
[01:04:23] I just want to say, if you haven't, subscribe to the podcast on Patreon.
[01:04:27] We did two bonus episodes this week, and that might become a regular thing.
[01:04:32] And one will not be that good, probably.
[01:04:34] Actually, people like the one that they said that was better than the other one.
[01:04:39] I just said it was, you know, not as good as the other one.
[01:04:49] Also, we are at Caroline's right now trying to bang out a Caroline's live show, which is
[01:04:52] going to be the same format as Funny Moms Live.
[01:04:54] It's just going to be called the come town live, and it'll be a Caroline's, and we're
[01:04:58] And we want to get an idea what the numbers are going to be.
[01:05:03] If you're interested in interest, you know, let us know.
[01:05:08] Yeah, and if you're a comic listening and you want to get booked, send Nick a Facebook
[01:05:15] Actually, you can email me a come down at iCloud.com.
[01:05:20] But yeah, if you want to get booked, you know, we'll book any comic in New York.
[01:05:26] And then, yeah, but if we can get an idea, we have to figure out what the numbers are
[01:05:30] going to be for Caroline's before we figure out what the door price is going to be.
[01:05:34] And, you know, the drink minimum and stuff.
[01:05:36] But we're going to try to keep it look down.
[01:05:40] The concern is, yeah, the concern is we want to make sure all the comics are paid.
[01:05:44] So we need to figure out a price point where they get, but we don't get paid.
[01:05:48] Adam has stopped you, but I'm the magnanimous.
[01:05:51] We take a big, we take a pretty big cut.
[01:05:56] I, my entire, the entire time I've been doing comedy, my dream has only been able to get
[01:06:01] to a point where I can pay comedians fairly.
[01:06:04] That's more important to me than being a better comic.
[01:06:06] Dude, well, you're about to live your dream.
[01:06:10] I would love to have a fucking production company where I can give mean, straight white men
[01:06:13] money to follow their dreams and never hire any WSCs in any capacity whatsoever.