Cum Town | Regular | 12/29/2016
[00:00:00] it's the come town Christmas spectacular it's it is December shut the fuck up it's
[00:00:07] I don't interrupt me what the fuck is your problem that you can't just let me
[00:00:10] know I just start talking immediately you're gonna talk over me I did I was
[00:00:15] sound effects I don't understand what the fucking problem is that I can't get
[00:00:19] two words out of my mouth before you immediately start talking I thought
[00:00:23] you're done why was I I just said one you know the name of the podcast I
[00:00:28] shut up shut the fuck up and wait just count okay head literally count five
[00:00:35] seconds and feel how long all right feel how long five seconds of silence
[00:00:40] probably is to you it's okay count it right now yeah count out five seconds in
[00:00:47] your head you see how long this is you see how much talking I can do before
[00:00:51] you've interrupted me that's how long it is okay I mean that's all it would have
[00:00:57] taken is fucking is just five seconds to get some kind of context or
[00:01:02] understanding of where the conversation is going or what's gonna I could have
[00:01:06] had a bit prepared I don't but I could have I fucking totally could add a
[00:01:10] thing I was going into I mean Jesus Christ dude like I'm you know it's funny
[00:01:16] because people listen to show I'm the one that gets insulted for being you
[00:01:20] know autistic or whatever yeah yeah yeah which you know it's probably true
[00:01:24] yeah yeah I probably am you know but at least I can understand fucking social
[00:01:29] cues what's your excuse you just rude me yeah you're just a fucking rude person
[00:01:35] are you in a bad mood right now I'm actually in a pretty good mood because
[00:01:39] I've decided I'm going to buy PlayStation was that a bit the big announcement that
[00:01:43] I was hopefully we could you know get to in a fun way well no now I'm blown
[00:01:51] the surprise for everybody I was the first 20 minutes of the pie we were gonna
[00:01:55] tease it yeah going to the first break this is the Christmas spectacular we got
[00:02:00] a couple plugs to do up front as longtime listeners know I don't like the brag
[00:02:05] about it but I am tier one you know black ops operator I was a 9-11 first
[00:02:11] responder I was there in the towers seeking out you know Muslims and
[00:02:15] terrorists and survived the crash and eliminating them a tactical close
[00:02:21] quarters tactical combat and the thing that keeps my hands warm you know while
[00:02:26] I'm pulling the life directly out of the lungs and souls of Iraqi children
[00:02:33] right is a north face e-tip a bear and they're great they you can still use
[00:02:42] your phone I know a lot of a lot of gloves advertise that you can still use
[00:02:46] your phone you know while you're getting a mmm-hmm directions from the Pentagon
[00:02:51] right to a family's house to end their their you know how does that family line
[00:02:57] how does it do it what's that how does it do with child's blood I bring my own
[00:03:02] blood oh nice yeah there's not enough I've I've gotten so used to killing that
[00:03:07] the normal amount of blood that comes out of a human being isn't enough for me
[00:03:11] so I have to bring extra blood and just to feel something yeah just to get that
[00:03:16] murdering a child Iraqi child rush so if you've been listening to Chappo you
[00:03:23] probably know that I purchased an enormous TV yeah this is so tight have
[00:03:29] you guys been here for the TV I haven't been is the first my first time this is
[00:03:32] insane it's great I've been a complete piece of shit the last week I've got
[00:03:37] nothing but sit in front of this TV and watch movies and get into like I've just
[00:03:41] a real deep fucking depression and I like really just can't stop thinking
[00:03:47] about wanting to kill myself nice I'm wasting my life or whatever and the
[00:03:51] solution but you just keep watching more movies you just keep watching them
[00:03:56] dude you buy all the subscription packages for Amazon and then each one
[00:03:59] you're like oh I'm gonna now you have so much more stuff I can watch and you
[00:04:02] watch one movie and then you you get you know really fucking upset with
[00:04:05] yourself yeah oh yeah I've been watching so much some pranos I'm trying to finish
[00:04:09] it so we can have a sopranos app yeah so in the background we've put on I
[00:04:14] already forgot the name of it some it's a John Travolta movie it's a John
[00:04:17] Travolta you know what I don't know this is probably not a good idea because we
[00:04:21] had something on I just sat here where they did the last Chappo and they put
[00:04:25] on I don't know fucking like rumble in the Bronx or something or I don't know I
[00:04:32] was just watching TV and then they put stuff on so I haven't seen this movie I
[00:04:36] was hoping we could put on something dumb and then we could maybe laugh at it but
[00:04:40] there's no way I'm gonna be able to have a conversation and watch the movie and
[00:04:45] I'm sorry not paying attention so that's back for I'm not not paying attention
[00:04:48] I'm just I just wanted to see what happened just I'm just insulted personally
[00:04:53] why from your from you taking me to task in public he hasn't even listened
[00:04:59] to any show that's the only place it matters is no you're depressed you got a
[00:05:02] big TV you're depressed you watch TV a lot and you're you just you've had
[00:05:06] stoves try to watch the predators I've been listed the whole thing I'm a great
[00:05:10] listener that's something that people compliment me on actually is how good
[00:05:13] of a listener I am and no way and yeah and and and you just know how to look
[00:05:18] like you're listening what you're thinking about I'm listening what was
[00:05:22] going on this you you listen to people long if it's an attractive woman you'll
[00:05:26] listen long enough to figure out where they're from mm-hmm and then you'll
[00:05:28] throw out one tidbit about where they're from true I had a good one the other
[00:05:32] day oh yeah who I met a girl from sing Singapore yesterday yeah it's illegal
[00:05:39] to spit there I said it's illegal to spit there and she said that she thinks
[00:05:45] it's really annoying that that's what everyone brings up when she says
[00:05:49] Singapore is it really a legal spit there yeah that guy got cained that kid
[00:05:54] yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he was like an American student in Singapore got
[00:05:59] cained you can't you just can't just for spitting yeah it's like a thing parents
[00:06:04] say well leave you know in Singapore you can get you heard that can't you fuck
[00:06:08] like process do people go to Singapore to fuck isn't that like kind like Thailand
[00:06:12] well I think all those places have yeah I don't know anything about serious I
[00:06:16] think serious iterations of boys I always I think they fuck no Singapore is
[00:06:21] like an it's like a city state it's like a really small country is that we're
[00:06:25] just brown got arrested do you know maybe for biting the Philippines for
[00:06:31] biting Rihanna yeah I don't know if that's illegal in Singapore no that's legal I
[00:06:36] see a bunch of hate mail from Singapore for writing that article about China
[00:06:39] oh really yeah are they Chinese over there there's a lot of ethnic Chinese
[00:06:44] there's a lot of ethnic Chinese a lot of malaise a lot of they got mad at me for
[00:06:48] writing that thing about Chinese New Year oh yeah and then it's been semi-hate
[00:06:51] now it's like you will go to Jeff for this something about how like Chinese
[00:06:58] New Year's in real right yeah no I wasn't a Chinese New Year wasn't real it's a
[00:07:02] Chinese New Year's like a month after regular New Year's mm-hmm so I wrote
[00:07:06] like it was like one of the first things I wrote on thought catalog is like so
[00:07:09] are we just not gonna tell Chinese people that New Year's was a month ago
[00:07:14] and yeah weren't like Chinese people threatening to come to you oh yeah Chinese
[00:07:21] the Chinese and waiters are the groups that hate me the fucking most you do
[00:07:25] you still get emails over that waiter article yeah so many people hate me
[00:07:29] that's true it's really true some of them are you know in this room right now
[00:07:35] yeah it's like it's one of those things where you can you can be like yeah well
[00:07:41] fuck the if you're not pissing people off you're not doing something right and
[00:07:45] it's like well plenty of people don't piss people yeah but people have no
[00:07:48] problem being likable and who said that quote was that not pissing is that
[00:07:55] mother Mother Teresa with Darth Vader Darth Vader yeah he's a bad boy fuck the
[00:07:59] haters if you're not doing him and one of those candies to cookie dude these
[00:08:04] aren't yours this is from my allotment of cookies yeah I got you your own to do
[00:08:08] yeah well I lost mine all right you lose yours these are from stops mom I
[00:08:12] lost it stops mom she made us some beautiful base to affect that out to
[00:08:16] little V some Greek these are incredible through this very the brown ones will
[00:08:21] suck your cock dude I had some of your house so fucking good really good your
[00:08:25] mom's lights she's the best dude did you does your mom know you have a podcast
[00:08:29] um sort of and she prepare these for your podcast friends no she just
[00:08:34] prayed them for my friends I didn't tell her that it was my podcast friends did
[00:08:39] you she doesn't really know what my mom got both of you guys copies of uh
[00:08:50] especially you Adam thank you she got you a calculator does it add up to six
[00:08:56] million a functionally it's changed though if you try to type in six million
[00:09:01] it's just 150,000 it just says tops one six years it's like that it's like
[00:09:08] that mister show schedule 150,000 the highest number
[00:09:12] well that sounds good I can't even laugh about like your parents know about the
[00:09:18] podcast yeah my parents don't really give a shit what I do so nice well I've
[00:09:23] been like such a fucking disappointment for so long right that it's like you
[00:09:28] know I'm not I don't ask them for money ever you know so you're doing that you're
[00:09:33] doing it sort of yeah I mean you know I mean I don't fucking lean on them
[00:09:37] right so they don't really give a shit wins the last time they really believed
[00:09:42] in you believe that I'm I mean I think they believe in me they just have such
[00:09:46] low expectations that it's not you know something I really have to worry about
[00:09:50] that's so great yeah no I have like I have like stepsisters it like
[00:09:55] struggle and shit so I'm like kind of the bar is low as hell yeah that's great
[00:10:00] so as long as you don't just have like a fucking three kids out of wedlock or
[00:10:03] some shit yeah they're not doing that bad but I mean you know it's just it's
[00:10:07] fucking the economy shitty and if you don't particularly know what the fuck
[00:10:10] you want to do yeah you know and like none of them can like borrow money from
[00:10:14] like enough money for my dad and you know his wife to like you know they can't
[00:10:19] be like I need five thousand dollars to go start my business or whatever you
[00:10:22] know they can't do that so they can just sort of continue living at the
[00:10:25] apartment damn right love to start a business dude you said I want to be a
[00:10:30] fucking I want to be like a fucking diner I literally started a business this is
[00:10:34] a business I started the business I employ you I'm exactly capable of
[00:10:39] inserting business that's why I had to do it yeah well I'm president of the
[00:10:43] union I'm executive that's fine dude we won't have any fucking union it's in
[00:10:47] here dude wait you're anti man I'm a company man we'll get a
[00:10:52] scab in here so quick this is bullshit I thought we were starting I told you
[00:10:57] out man I'm just like just like sweet deals like bargaining
[00:11:03] I like doing collecting and I like bargain I collect stamps and rare coins
[00:11:10] and I bargain as I give you five cents for that dime that dime is worthless
[00:11:17] trust me I collect rare coins all the time pal I'm telling you that dime is
[00:11:22] worthless I'll give you five cents for it that'd be a cool character the guy
[00:11:26] that convinces you know the Jack Lemon guy that hangs out in the Dunkin Donuts
[00:11:31] and Grand Central and convinces people to sell him their change for less than
[00:11:36] its worth I've died I tell you I've seen plenty of quarters in my life now this
[00:11:44] one is worth it's that's what you do I'll give you I'll give you a dollar for
[00:11:47] that quarter but these other these other ten quarters you have are worthless
[00:11:51] by the mafia for a nickel that's not a bad con dude I just do this all day
[00:11:58] and that's that's where they call me the artist of 42nd the beautiful
[00:12:04] artist of 40 seconds we've been I've been standing on this corner for 97 years
[00:12:10] made almost 400 dollars I've been out here since 1823 my father was a ship
[00:12:22] builder and my mother was a prostitute we should do a fucking three card
[00:12:28] Monty game dude fucking start a scam like that old school shit yeah you know
[00:12:33] or have like a fucking what are some cons we could get into we pretend you're
[00:12:38] lost how about why did every homeless person always say they need like a
[00:12:41] bus ticket to like I wish I was a con man so bad dude I could never fucking I
[00:12:46] I just I don't know I couldn't pull it off I would just be too happy about the
[00:12:51] con I'd be too excited to get their money yeah I wouldn't be good enough actor
[00:12:56] yeah have you ever fell for any cons have I fallen for any cons no I could see
[00:13:02] through them immediately yeah I'm also seating one time in fucking DC and
[00:13:07] scenes not like a dumb guy smart you know and you think you have a little bit
[00:13:11] more street smarts than this but some like fucking bum was like you want this
[00:13:15] Dell laptop 70 bucks and it was like a Dell laptop box and see when I said yeah
[00:13:21] and he like gave the guy 70 bucks and then they don't even open they take the
[00:13:26] box all the way back to the venue and they open it up it's filled a bunch of
[00:13:29] newspapers and it was like Satan and like I think Andy Haynes and Jay Haystings
[00:13:34] like running down the street they're like you seen this fucking guy or whatever
[00:13:38] it's like first of all don't do anything to that guy right get your money back
[00:13:42] but don't act like you're gonna fucking beat up this homeless guy who outsmarted
[00:13:46] yeah right died of like stale honey buns yeah yeah coffee found no you
[00:13:51] absolutely deserve to have that if you get fucking ripped off you probably
[00:13:56] deserve it by a fucking homeless dude yeah by guy who hasn't slept indoors he
[00:14:01] fucking he had more critical thinking than you yeah I remember one time in
[00:14:05] Chinatown when I was like 14 we came up to this fucking do like a trip like a
[00:14:11] it was like a Greek trip to New York and all these fucking assholes there's like
[00:14:16] a group of a group of my friends were just like fake like when you were the
[00:14:20] group of assholes I heard Greek chip trip to New York absolutely no no we but
[00:14:25] these kids were like the fuck they were like they thought they were like real they
[00:14:28] just ran their father's diners they thought they were like drug deal they
[00:14:32] actually they were drug dealers because they had like dads who spoiled them
[00:14:35] right right so they went to buy fake chains and they all got robbed they all
[00:14:40] got it you're like all right follow me into this empty building just follow
[00:14:44] some fucking guy into a vacant building and they stole four hundred dollars from
[00:14:49] them they were all going to buy fake I think it was G unit chains at the time I
[00:14:53] think that's what was hot and nothing makes me happier than that then just
[00:14:58] like fucking the shittiest Greek kids getting robbed although I do want a
[00:15:02] fake chain I got what kind of fake I got I didn't fall I just got fake
[00:15:06] Yeezys for thirteen dollars that are just the the bin Yeezys I'm still fell
[00:15:11] off a Pokemon guards hang out at middle schools and stuff how funny if I got
[00:15:16] arrested for doing that I'm just in in the fucking elementary school hang out
[00:15:23] in the bathroom the police show up and they're like what the fuck you doing
[00:15:26] here I'm like I sell bootleg both my cards I'm 30 years old this is the only
[00:15:31] business I've ever known in my life fuck man one time a Chinese lady out
[00:15:38] Haggle me I bought a fake Gucci backpack and she haggled the shit out of
[00:15:42] me do I end up paying like 50 dollars for it it was like you know a four cent
[00:15:46] backpack it's so shitty the stitching's bad the zipper I remember that
[00:15:50] Gucci I still have it I'll still rock you sometimes yeah I love the Gucci
[00:15:54] backpack I just I wish I would have it's kuji a real I mean it is a real
[00:15:58] brand yeah yeah it is kuji's like it's supposed to be like Gucci it's
[00:16:02] black Gucci yeah they just changed the letters around it's like Kobe
[00:16:06] televisions yeah yeah we're just a Sony logo yeah it's Kobe yeah that's great
[00:16:16] too because it has the Kobe Bryant fucking undertones as well yeah and so
[00:16:20] be life order you guys ever fuck with that shit yeah I used to get cases of
[00:16:27] so be adrenaline from shoppers food warehouse you just game no I would stay
[00:16:34] up on IRC all night hell yeah dude internet relay chat folks what is that
[00:16:39] it's like it's like you know slack yeah slack is like very similar to what
[00:16:45] IRC was like early slack it well IRC is like the oldest chat platform it came
[00:16:50] out before a before even the worldwide web what so yeah I think IRC came out
[00:16:55] like 1988 so what what part of your life are you using all this IRC shit you're
[00:17:00] like 11 or some shit yeah in between I mean even younger than that probably
[00:17:04] like nine to I mean that's why I am the way I am the first time I saw
[00:17:11] goat see I was probably like nine or ten years old really and I remember like
[00:17:15] turning the computer off and I like felt sick or whatever I like wanted to tell
[00:17:19] my parents and then and then like two weeks later you just sending go to the
[00:17:23] people this is hilarious this fucking hilarious how much different your life
[00:17:29] is if your dad comes in and counsels you in that moment and it's like it's all
[00:17:32] right so you have to stop doing this you're like a fucking you're like a
[00:17:37] fucking a loan officer to bank it happened my friend Brendan he had go to
[00:17:41] own his computer because he was up so in the old Internet Explorer like
[00:17:48] Internet Explorer 5 or whatever like you know 10 15 years ago if you highlighted
[00:17:53] an image the way it highlighted an image was every other pixel on the image it
[00:17:58] would shift it would like to put a blue tint right right on the image yes yes
[00:18:03] so you could take an image and bring it into Photoshop and then figure out how
[00:18:10] like what makes you know whatever shift every other pixel is blue you can
[00:18:15] counteract that a certain way or adjust the quality of the image that it like
[00:18:19] transforms whenever the other pixel has it so he would he created this image
[00:18:24] where if you like highlighted it looked like it just a blur but if you highlighted
[00:18:30] it became goats yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so he had goats you on his
[00:18:36] computer and he was like working on that or whatever yeah and his dad his dad
[00:18:41] went on his computer and found goats see and then they're like at asked him a
[00:18:44] dinner they're like sit him down maybe he's like looked all sick and he was
[00:18:49] like are you gay I told the story before that happened to me too my mom found
[00:18:55] meat spin on my computer that tell you tell you that oh yeah my mom was like
[00:18:59] crying she's like do you like jacking off to boys like what the fuck are you
[00:19:04] talking about yeah I went on your computer and I saw something I'm like
[00:19:08] what the fuck did you see on my computer and then she was like it was like a
[00:19:11] dick going into an ass and then the other dick was spinning around I was like oh
[00:19:15] meat spin I was like no you just send that to people it's like a you know it's
[00:19:21] like a greeting card fun yeah it's like a fun little trick to play on your friends
[00:19:24] yeah I've current I got unbanned from Facebook for how long six hours I know I
[00:19:30] had a I had a 30-day ban and then a band was lifted you you I posted there was
[00:19:37] like an article that was like you know saying Bernie would have won his victim
[00:19:40] blaming or whatever right and then the article it was like white men you need
[00:19:44] to shut the fuck up right now it's time for white men to shut the fuck up and
[00:19:50] then fuck you and if you're fucking way man ever fucking because seriously it's
[00:19:56] just I need literally shaking right now to cry because you don't understand
[00:20:01] what it's like shut the fuck up you know like one of those articles right and I
[00:20:06] was I was like yeah I guess a great argument for why women should be able to
[00:20:11] vote I said something like that you know or kill all white women or something
[00:20:16] or kill a white woman but kill all white men it's obviously it's like
[00:20:20] satirical I mean right kill all men on there all day long and I'm not even like
[00:20:24] coming from a place complaining about like a double standard or whatever but
[00:20:28] it's like I'm not even saying kill white women's satirically I'm making fun of
[00:20:34] the like right you know I don't know so whatever but you know fine and they
[00:20:39] want to bammy they bammy but then I got back on and I was posting that video of
[00:20:43] this TV so nice that you can see Christopher Lambert's balls in fortress
[00:20:48] I've seen fortress probably 30 times prior to really yeah never wants notice
[00:20:55] Christopher Lambert's fully exposed balls you think he's fucking or is just
[00:20:59] dicks I think he insists I think that weird Belgian piece of shit like insisted
[00:21:04] on being able to actually fuck you know in the movie yeah so you think that was
[00:21:08] him fucking I think that was I think that was Christopher Lambert fuck I mean
[00:21:12] why you know what are they gonna like he's like just make sure everyone can see
[00:21:16] my balls but then we're gonna figure out a way where my dick is like taped to
[00:21:20] my leg or something I'd be sitting on top of his dick like why would they do
[00:21:25] that just you haven't seen that in porn sometimes like fake porn I don't know
[00:21:29] that you watch this weird fucking porn for middle schoolers you watch adult porn
[00:21:36] sometimes I like to check out a vid where you know we've got a new fresh face
[00:21:41] in the industry and she doesn't want to do hardcore so she'll do who fake I don't
[00:21:46] know man I'm on X videos I'm scrolling you can get soft core porn online I
[00:21:51] thought you could only get that on TV no you can get soft core check this out
[00:21:55] dude I added cinemax to Amazon Prime so I can this soft core on there you want
[00:22:00] to put it on no we're doing the part I don't how how crazy is it that they still
[00:22:04] do that it's playboy still a boy doesn't even do porn they don't they don't show
[00:22:09] boobs anymore yeah so cinemax is like yeah we got pornography and the Nick it's
[00:22:16] a good show yeah it is a good show apparently I got this other one quarry
[00:22:19] that's supposed to be really yeah fuck man but I'm sorry you got Benfashon balls
[00:22:25] dude yeah I know which but you know in the guidelines it says you're not allowed
[00:22:29] to show nudity unless it's for like satirical or humorous purposes and it's
[00:22:33] like did you think I was like seriously posting Christopher Lambers balls
[00:22:38] for people to masturbate to that's what it said I don't know someone's got a
[00:22:41] bone to pick with me Facebook or you know online is again people just fucking
[00:22:46] hate me think someone's so someone just someone's reporting me obviously yeah
[00:22:50] someone's constantly fucking reporting my shit or whatever which is like you
[00:22:55] know I don't fucking with the exception of like Seth I don't like go after people
[00:23:00] I don't I really don't fucking I really don't fucking harass people I think it's
[00:23:04] like mean shitty to harass specific people I might be critical of like a
[00:23:08] couple like you know a couple of people that have like prominent media careers
[00:23:13] or whatever but it's not like I'm like saying go harass these people or whatever
[00:23:17] right and still it's just you know people get literal fucking jokes that
[00:23:20] they're getting mad at yeah that is so funny exactly what what non-joking
[00:23:26] purpose do you post balls for it's fucking unbelievable well even that like
[00:23:30] even when like arguments come up or people want to fucking you know I'm not
[00:23:34] even like one of the people getting into heated arguments about you know
[00:23:37] should the pisses people off yeah you know I don't I don't argue with people
[00:23:42] I mean I'm not my jokes about it jokes that like reflect my opinion or
[00:23:46] whatever sometimes not even but you know you're probably got to shut this guy
[00:23:50] down you got to get him kicked offline I just I just want to have a good time
[00:23:54] online with my friends I still have Twitter you'll be able to show balls on
[00:23:59] Twitter so I have a good time online my friends like I used to dude I'm sorry
[00:24:03] I'm sorry there's Zuckerberg stripped you of that it's everybody so it's
[00:24:07] permanent Ben they want me to upload a picture of my ID to get my account back
[00:24:12] and I'm like I'm not giving you that information why I don't know so they can
[00:24:16] send you to jail yeah probably that'd be so funny and Facebook just what the
[00:24:23] Facebook police comes knocks on this door whatever Facebook is washed it fit I
[00:24:29] don't I don't do it anymore yeah to Facebook dude no a lot of old I think
[00:24:34] like to my mom and dad are on it so I can't I can't be a monster like I can
[00:24:39] I'm on their fucking just like posting Greek pirated like whole movies that's
[00:24:44] chill my mom's just like watching Greek soap operas with her friends that's
[00:24:49] what Facebook is it's for old people have fun with their friends online yeah
[00:24:52] they're blessed well I'm old now I guess I would love to just not be on so I
[00:24:56] would love to just not have to be on the Internet mm-hmm unfortunately I've
[00:25:01] completely destroyed any ability for me to ever have any kind of normal job
[00:25:05] there's just absolutely no way ever that I'll ever be able to do anything
[00:25:13] other than be a piece of shit on the Internet yeah quickest background
[00:25:17] like NIC just auto completes and everything you've ever fucking done yeah
[00:25:24] Nick Mullen and word Nick Mullen races yeah Nick Mullen Hillary victim
[00:25:31] blame I'm a good back dude I'm about to go back be a square dude I couldn't go
[00:25:36] back yeah you really can't I mean I the goal is hopefully you know figure out
[00:25:42] what comedy and shit to make enough money to invest and then live off you
[00:25:46] know you're sure money yeah people find a way to take that away from you too I
[00:25:49] can't wait to quit my my day job in and just be able to dress like a boy all
[00:25:55] the time you know yeah I'm about to start wearing fucking suits I am sort of a
[00:25:59] little worried though that like not being able to having to go to work every day
[00:26:03] and take a shower in the morning and stuff oh yeah I just watched like if I
[00:26:08] don't have that then like I'm not gonna bathe yeah I mean I I don't the job the
[00:26:13] day job I do have that I'll continue to do and yeah they won't let me do it
[00:26:17] anymore I don't have to fucking shower or bathe or do anything that's the best
[00:26:21] part about being one of those truck PAs is like they don't like it's like
[00:26:26] almost like a relief when they find out you're not trying to work your way up
[00:26:29] yeah yeah that you're just like no I just want to pay my fucking rent yeah yeah
[00:26:35] yeah like the like boot boy I remember oh yeah boot boys bad our old our old
[00:26:41] pal boot yeah boot boys trying to work his way up of course he was already he
[00:26:45] already works his way up that last job I worked with you Nick takes me like he's
[00:26:49] like I'm coming to pick you up but they said dress like you want a future in
[00:26:53] the film industry hilarious yeah I remember when I was wearing a but I
[00:26:57] don't and this way they're like dress for the job you have or job you want not
[00:27:01] the one you have and it's like yeah I don't even want this job yeah I want to
[00:27:05] have I want to pay my fucking rent and be able to eat food so the job I want is
[00:27:10] no job at all mm-hmm so I dress the job I want that's why I wear a full football
[00:27:16] uniform wherever I go yeah that's cool I just it's just going into work looking
[00:27:25] like a train conductor yeah I think that's striped Oshkosh choo choo that's my
[00:27:32] favorite part of the separate not my favorite one of my favorite little
[00:27:35] details is that Bobby Bock a lot is a train guy yeah so good what in the
[00:27:39] fucking hat yeah I should re-watch the sopranos you should do it almost you can't
[00:27:43] fix right now it's it's it's the best show maybe I'll do that maybe they'll be
[00:27:48] my Christmas Hanukkah treat to myself is to sit in front of my TV and just not
[00:27:53] move for probably two and a half weeks just really start thinking about my life
[00:27:58] and now almost 30 and listen how even though I I'm starting to have success I
[00:28:03] just feel fucking worse you really do that be my nice president to myself you
[00:28:08] were you're you're happier maybe three months ago when you had little to no
[00:28:14] success you know when that happiest I was in my life back when I when I got back
[00:28:18] to DC your home like drunk all the time yeah yeah everything was fucked yeah
[00:28:22] that was the best time in my life there was no limits I was fatty shit I was
[00:28:25] unhappy yeah yeah yeah I was like sleeping my car most of the time and like fuck
[00:28:30] there was one I know I was in a failing relationship I was clearly cheating
[00:28:34] yeah friend with a guy she's married to the guy she's traveling the world with
[00:28:41] yeah I could show you ever being the the national our burrito one day and it
[00:28:49] was like Rita's there yeah and it was like fucking that the bar are burrito
[00:28:55] yeah yeah yeah that's good it's like the middle of winter is everything was
[00:28:59] fucking dead there was nothing to see I just walk around it was cold and I was
[00:29:03] extremely hungover and I was like this is best day of my life I had literally
[00:29:08] nothing to live for yeah man let's get how you how I mean like what how do you
[00:29:16] people how are you are people successful I don't get it what do you mean but it
[00:29:20] makes me feel worse whenever things are like fine then it makes me feel worth
[00:29:25] like it's because you have a fucking brain disease it doesn't let you if your
[00:29:28] dream is like to write for SNL you know whatever yeah I feel like within the
[00:29:34] first week that was my dream within the first week it would just be my shitty
[00:29:38] job that I don't give a fuck about yeah yeah I'd like get there and then I'd be
[00:29:41] that's what happens yeah that's what happens every step of the way you have
[00:29:45] all these dreams even if you even if you sell your own show mm-hmm it's not gonna
[00:29:49] be as funny as you want to be oh yeah and they're gonna take they're gonna take
[00:29:52] it from you even if they don't take it from you you're never going to be as
[00:29:55] funny as you want to be right now because the shit that you like and that
[00:30:00] you'll never be as good as a shit that you like I respect that Woody Allen
[00:30:03] thing of not he he doesn't watch any of the movies yeah any of the seven thousand
[00:30:08] movies that's actually that's Woody Harrelson oh yeah he hasn't watched King
[00:30:12] Penn one time it's been moving he should watch it it's very funny dude we I
[00:30:16] watched in decent proposal oh yeah oh yeah we see oh holy shit what a fucking
[00:30:22] hilarious movie yeah it's really fun it's the cucking movie yeah it's about it
[00:30:26] should just be called the cuckmaster starring Robert Redford is the man
[00:30:32] whose best at cucking he fucking he's like let me fuck your wife for a million
[00:30:36] dollars he's like absolutely not no way are you gonna fuck my wife no way are
[00:30:42] you gonna do it and then she's like I don't know maybe I can he's like well if
[00:30:46] that's what you want honey if that's if that's what you want but you better not
[00:30:54] like it or whatever so then you know because they have to fuck she has to
[00:30:57] fuck Robert Redford to save their house right so she fucks Robert Redford and
[00:31:02] while they're like off fucking Woody Harrelson is like just imagining them
[00:31:06] fucking and he's like die like running after the helicopter he's just getting
[00:31:11] his dick size just like halfway down this guy's wife's throat and he's like
[00:31:15] die come back to me I still love you gotta be and he's also full full
[00:31:22] penetration like and then you know there's like this fucking dramatic music playing
[00:31:26] and you're supposed to have all this empathy for this guy who's like as if
[00:31:29] the worst thing in the world is that your wife is being you know violated by
[00:31:34] another man's dick and it's like so fucked up like if you really loved your
[00:31:38] wife you wouldn't care you know you wouldn't care that much no the extent
[00:31:42] where she's like ruined now in your head if it's a good consensual thing it's
[00:31:46] like yeah it's kind of shitty but it's a fucking million dollars it's a million
[00:31:50] I don't want to know that sometimes fucking my wife you know you know I need
[00:31:54] to make her wear a scarlet letter see her off and be like all right honey
[00:31:58] go have fun sucking off Robert Redford for the night honestly I wouldn't
[00:32:03] fucking care maybe maybe this is a new masculinity thing but if I really don't
[00:32:10] care if I'm seeing someone if they want to fuck someone yeah I don't really
[00:32:13] yeah I don't fucking either yeah you don't care if they're fucking someone if
[00:32:18] they want if they want to yeah I don't I really could not give two
[00:32:23] shit stop that no I would I don't want my girlfriend to fuck people that's my
[00:32:28] stance in general well you're an alpha I am your real man's hope but you're like
[00:32:34] you're like you're like you're not an alpha though yeah you're like a guy that
[00:32:39] doesn't fuck a lot and you have like a complex about it and that's why you
[00:32:42] have a problem the idea of your fictional girlfriend fucking somebody else
[00:32:46] no I'm a girlfriend that you can't have I'm pretty sure I'm alpha yeah I'm
[00:32:51] pretty sure I'm an alpha and if anybody tries to fuck my my fix your god I'll
[00:32:55] fuck them up and then fuck their girl he's a type alpha male type two diabetes
[00:33:00] yeah I got an alpha diabetes yeah I got that good the stuff fucking Tony
[00:33:05] Sopranos got yeah that's the kind of thing I got dude I'm watching so much
[00:33:09] Sopranos that I've just been yelling at people for no I've been thinking you
[00:33:13] forget his blood type is oh oh juice oh you yeah it's fresh but yeah yeah
[00:33:21] yeah yeah yeah yeah in said it like type oh blood yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
[00:33:27] a little bit of a juice positive yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I
[00:33:28] thought too much of a stress give me a minute I can do a bad one if you
[00:33:31] talking I'll think about right yeah but yeah I what when you watch the
[00:33:34] pranos you just like you flip the phone like some cocksucker dude I was I
[00:33:38] text you guys about it I went to some I went I was supposed to some some guy
[00:33:41] just messaged me at like on Facebook and booked me for a show and it was a
[00:33:46] bringer and I was like dude I'm not doing a bringer wait like I'm just not
[00:33:50] bringing anybody to do show and I get there and he's like he's like how about
[00:33:55] about this blood type Mayo positive yeah I like those you it was just a
[00:34:00] pronunciation I don't have never said that word and you know what the only time
[00:34:04] I've ever had it is it Arby's right yeah we know with the dips and yeah yeah
[00:34:09] yeah yeah I've never been I've never eaten at Arby's in my life it's good
[00:34:12] really it's good it's very under it is very under it much better than people
[00:34:15] think why is that the go-to joke because the sense the sense is joke when
[00:34:19] they're on the fucking retard I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's yeah and
[00:34:24] everyone's like wow yeah that became like the fucking yeah yeah what's the
[00:34:27] worst fast food place Jack in the box they're all very good Jack in the box
[00:34:33] is pretty good yeah never been a Jack in the box I don't know man I honestly
[00:34:36] Jack box is gonna be a hot take but it's just because like they are all pretty
[00:34:40] good but I think Burger King's probably the worst I had I thought I was saying
[00:34:43] I had a few there I had a great Burger King the other day I'm straight
[00:34:47] experience everyone was nice no they treated me right they're fries I don't
[00:34:51] think their fries are particularly good Roy Rogers is the best fries
[00:34:54] Red Rogers is an idea about this is an idea for a restaurant right it's it's
[00:35:01] like Roy Rogers same setup but you go in you're like can I get a chicken bacon
[00:35:04] sandwich and then the cashier will go maybe it's called coy roger
[00:35:15] that's good I have I had one where it's like you go you go in and you ask for
[00:35:21] sandwich and the guy at the the registers like he wins last comic
[00:35:26] standing but he's not very funny and that's called Joe coy Rogers he's from
[00:35:31] Vegas yeah it's a better comic than you are so I'm a nice so if you better
[00:35:36] comic than everybody in this room is he did he have like Joe coy yeah your
[00:35:40] stance is that I think he's great does he have eyebrows I don't think you know
[00:35:45] wait no is that when I think of Joe coy my thing who's the other Joe coy
[00:35:48] lost his eyebrows to Ursula to become a good comic that's how it works she
[00:35:53] cast a spell to make him the world's best Filipino comic but he had to lose all
[00:35:57] his body damn dude someone I was thinking a dad fan my mom he didn't even
[00:36:02] yeah I don't know I didn't know Joe coy was on last comic no I was the a dad fan
[00:36:07] that fan definitely although I don't know yeah Joe coy is like a Chelsea
[00:36:11] handler crew squad squad man that that fan thing where it's like Patrice O'Neill
[00:36:18] and on Tough crowd we just bullies and merciless it's so fucking good that fan
[00:36:24] that fan um yeah was I gonna say oh I was in Vegas actually the reason I know
[00:36:32] Joe coy's is from Vegas my mom's like your hair looks like shit go get a haircut
[00:36:36] so I went to my mom's hairdresser and she was like oh yeah I cut Joe coy's
[00:36:39] hair it was like he's bald you're clearly lying right I love when people think
[00:36:46] they met a celebrity and it's clearly not yeah I was talking about the wild boys
[00:36:51] one time right with this girl I love this girl in Texas this great show
[00:36:55] out with and she this girl just you know she's like 24 love drinking was a
[00:36:59] good musician or whatever and she was like yeah I was actually like hang out
[00:37:03] with the wild boys the other night they're like you know we all went into the
[00:37:06] jacuzzi together it was like pretty cool and I was like you met fucking Sivo and
[00:37:10] Chris Banias and she was like no I was the other ones I was like so you didn't
[00:37:15] meet the wild boys this is got DP but he's with a long hair told her that they
[00:37:21] were the wild boys she saw some guy getting his rack his dick bitten by a
[00:37:26] raccoon he's like now I'm a wild boy yeah and then they you just a good a good
[00:37:30] lie which I don't endorse us you shouldn't you shouldn't lie to pick you
[00:37:34] don't lie ever you that's part of your autism right I'm just not good at it
[00:37:39] well you you like tell truth with that when you shouldn't tell them I guess I
[00:37:44] don't know if that rather that means that I'm not a liar so much as it means I'm
[00:37:48] just fucking rude and I don't yeah but yeah that's it when people are like
[00:37:56] remember people you say brutal honesty yeah yeah yeah that's just you're just
[00:38:00] rude being a dickhead yeah you make very boring cliched observations about
[00:38:08] the government is actually bad that's brutal honesty it's brutal a metal guitar
[00:38:16] if that was like a very Myspace comedy bio oh yeah sort of thing yeah oh do we
[00:38:22] should fight we should name we should search brutal honesty is there any way
[00:38:25] to go through bio how many how many times brutal honesty comes up who's the big
[00:38:31] Myspace comedy guy Dane Cook day no it wasn't Dane Cook it was fucking Steve
[00:38:36] Hofsetter was he yeah no it was Steve Hofstetter first of all is he a
[00:38:41] con on my space comedy I was I wasn't doing so I was for the last gas but yeah
[00:38:48] no it was Hofstetter you would go to like the rankings and he was number one
[00:38:51] you fuck his Steve Hofstetter yeah he was the guy that like game did somehow
[00:38:56] he's way up the rankings and after him it was Mincea Mincea was number two
[00:39:01] people forget how popular Carlos Mincea was but Dinko did fuck around big time
[00:39:06] off of my space now what made Dane Cook big was his mom died and he got like an
[00:39:12] insurance life insurance settlement and he spent the $40,000 like having a
[00:39:17] paying a web guide to make him a fully featured website with like forums and
[00:39:22] chat rooms yeah and he built an audience like online so he'd go do a
[00:39:27] show and he'd be like hey you know sign up for my forum or whatever but he was
[00:39:30] one of the first comics to have like a big online you know sort of thing which
[00:39:34] is like it's crazy now that this is 10 years later and comics still don't
[00:39:37] understand that that's so much more important than anything else right no
[00:39:41] one is going to fucking hand you a career in comedy anymore yeah yeah or go to an
[00:39:46] open mic and discover you right yeah no that's not gonna happen or even a bar
[00:39:50] what you I mean you should still do open mics and sure sure but like your your
[00:39:54] goal in doing that should be to meet somebody that's better than you that's
[00:39:58] gonna bring you on the road with them you know just get better yeah cuz you
[00:40:02] really I mean you're not I don't I don't think New York really makes you as much
[00:40:06] you know it helps you grow as much as working the road does I mean of course
[00:40:10] comparing the two I think I learned a lot more about stand-up just by being a
[00:40:15] road feature yeah you know well then you do like what like 10 sets a weekend you
[00:40:20] know no not that man you do six six or seven at most but you're doing 20 between
[00:40:25] 20 and 30 minutes yeah it's a lot of 30 minute spots yeah you're talking about
[00:40:28] you know six hours of uh that's invaluable yeah yeah oh yeah and you can
[00:40:34] try and fuck that's why stop shit is popping right now yeah but I mean the
[00:40:39] most important thing is like cuz comedy stand-up comedy the art of comedy
[00:40:43] like what your goal should be isn't like writing good I mean obviously try to
[00:40:47] write good bits right mm-hmm you know but the goal isn't to like have just a
[00:40:51] good joke here a good joke there the the art like what you should be trying to
[00:40:56] create is the hour the hour is what makes something it's like good comedy you
[00:41:00] know you release an album that's gonna be an hour long if you ever have any kind
[00:41:03] of special you should aim for like an hour long special and the only way to
[00:41:07] write good hours and have because I really don't think anything under an
[00:41:10] hour it really feels like you did anything you know like maybe you can be
[00:41:15] funny but like how do you get a sense of some who a comic is mm-hmm without the
[00:41:20] fucking hour well so we get that's what creates like the personality you know
[00:41:24] in the and the character but you might be able to do something in a half hour
[00:41:26] but I know what you're saying it the full the full yeah effect and the full
[00:41:30] arc well the half hours also dampened because it's mostly the feature spot and
[00:41:34] the features the most forgettable well person on the show right so like if you
[00:41:41] you get cone and that's five minutes yeah presents that's 20 minutes 22 minutes
[00:41:46] 22 minutes but you have to do a half hour I think it's edited yeah you can do
[00:41:50] even more than that but yeah they have to edit and then they edited yeah for
[00:41:53] commercials and shit damn the real getting to an hour you have to be on
[00:41:58] TV like a million yeah to work clubs but here's what here's what you do you
[00:42:02] start come podcast you try to get an audience of like you know a hundred
[00:42:06] thousand people and then you just book your own fucking tour yeah you know
[00:42:10] 2017 folks yeah we're gonna do that that tour we're also gonna do the
[00:42:14] Christmas album sometime this week before Christmas should we do it right
[00:42:19] after this no you know and it's honestly it's like you have to use a
[00:42:23] computer I've looked into it there's there's not gonna be any way that we
[00:42:26] can actually do this I'm telling you right now we cannot we have the shit you
[00:42:34] need to have playback and you play back for the for the background tracks I'm
[00:42:38] going to need the auto tune it cuz none of us can sing no it's funnier that
[00:42:41] way come come come I have like doesn't and you know it's gonna sound like it's
[00:42:45] gonna sound like people doing a podcast over fucking like an instrumental track
[00:42:49] won't sound right what do you want it to sound like Whitney Houston it's not
[00:42:52] gonna sound it's gonna sound bad I wanted to sound no I wanted to at least sound
[00:42:55] not like you know I just jointed and fucking Jonah could do this for us for
[00:43:00] no one for you to do it I want to do it my fucking self this is this is Nick in
[00:43:06] him in a nutshell here we're not let's stop examining me I'm sorry and my
[00:43:12] personality just trust we have resources at our disposal whatever we don't have
[00:43:16] to get in our Jonas Jonah's Jonah was in a famous band he was the Rolling
[00:43:20] Stones yep really yeah he was Keith Richards and the Rolling
[00:43:23] Jonah Richards yeah Jonah Richards yeah the Rolling Stones are still making
[00:43:28] music like who the fuck gives you even all my fucking cooking to the K a shut
[00:43:33] the fuck up I'll give you some of mine you better I've been counting actually
[00:43:37] the only the rolling stones literally yeah three rounds to three oh three
[00:43:46] browns the good one yeah you had three browns the best about that gelt I gave
[00:43:50] you the other night maybe three gelt and I gave him to a girl I really did I
[00:43:54] really gave a gelt there's a nice Nick and I read what socials and party oh
[00:43:59] man I'm so jealous I missed that and then I gave him I gave a girl why you
[00:44:03] guys fucking e-commies do you mean yeah first of all you wouldn't have yeah
[00:44:08] huh do you know you know fucking alpha I go in there they smell my fucking
[00:44:11] fair mo look like they look like the look like the the problem the
[00:44:15] caricatures of the fat cats no I'm a union I'm a union I'm a strong
[00:44:21] worker cartoon all you're missing is a monopoly man I'm the blue I'm a blue
[00:44:25] collar boy dude pick it boy I'm a blue collar alpha male and I go I go in
[00:44:29] there I fucking all the proletariat whores want to suck me off left and
[00:44:33] right yeah because they feel that I come from there's a there's a Bruce
[00:44:37] Springsteen song about stav about how he missed McDonald's breakfast yeah
[00:44:43] well I miss breakfast this morning and that's all right because there's gonna
[00:44:49] be breakfast tomorrow yeah dude I'm the boss I've got type two diabetes I have
[00:44:55] to wear sweatpants cuz Levi's doesn't make anything in size 112 waste dude I
[00:45:02] honestly don't appreciate how you're coming at me right now as an alpha and
[00:45:05] I'm gonna let you know I'm gonna knock you the fuck out if you ever fucking if
[00:45:08] my if my mouth if your words my fucking name comes out your mouth
[00:45:12] put my name on your mouth I'm gonna knock you out do you ever place if you
[00:45:16] place my my name don't you ever put every inch of my name if you just slide my
[00:45:22] name into your mouth we keep your name slid slitting in and outside of your
[00:45:28] mouth within the confines of your lips and my name ever shall pass do not do not
[00:45:35] stop sir you still threatening if you ever insert my name with your soft
[00:45:44] supple lips if you ever suck my name off
[00:45:47] yes slobbering here is slob on my name on my name now jazz
[00:46:01] something right now what's my ass is me fuck me in the air some a closet in
[00:46:06] home of six the first time I was told that by we know who said that to me keep
[00:46:09] my name at your mouth Voldemort I had I wasn't really sure what he was saying
[00:46:15] yeah I was pretty confused I was like it is funny I heard you had my name in
[00:46:22] your mouth that's like a that's like the kind of thing that like Martin would
[00:46:25] say to Tommy oh yeah my name out of your mouth Tommy does those those individuals
[00:46:32] are from similar to dick to his friends what the fuck did Tommy and Cole hang
[00:46:37] out with Martin that's true just like criticizing for being dumb and bald and
[00:46:41] it's like Martin you're shorter than him well Martin was not a particularly a
[00:46:46] success he's like a like a fucking no he was like a public radio shithead oh I
[00:46:51] thought he had the juice wait Martin was on NPR no in the show Martin he was
[00:46:56] like a like a he's like a local DJ or some shit yeah but that's big time in a
[00:46:59] fuck like in Detroit local local DJ's Martin in Detroit DC I feel bad now I
[00:47:05] know that like establishing shots are probably New York in my head I always
[00:47:10] saw Martin was in New York but I wouldn't be surprised if that was wrong I think
[00:47:13] it is Detroit I think it is Detroit yeah but he's from DC but dude a local
[00:47:16] radio DJ they got the juice yeah pork chop 92 Q pork chop fucks involved well
[00:47:29] poor I thought Tommy was a drug dealer isn't that what everyone says because he
[00:47:34] never had a job yeah they're like yeah you know shut up you know I'm a drug
[00:47:38] driver or is a nuclear engineer I'd like to think highly of Tommy and I just
[00:47:42] assumed that a black man without a visible job is selling drugs maybe he has
[00:47:46] some kind of DoD clearance and he can't talk about yeah he was a very dapper
[00:47:50] man you know the style that Tommy wore a lot was like the NBA coach like late
[00:47:55] 90s which was the the like t-shirt under the under the suit under the suit and a
[00:48:00] t-shirt with a very thin chain thin chain yeah but like but the t-shirt was
[00:48:05] nice like like the collar was thicker than a usual exactly that's how I'm
[00:48:08] trying to be as 2017 yeah we need to make some we need to make our style board
[00:48:13] for 2017 it's true I mean our initial goal for this podcast we still have not
[00:48:19] accomplished what it was which was matching Adidas tracks that's true you
[00:48:22] know and it's what New Year's is oh man they got yellow and red at Macy's now
[00:48:27] fuck a fucking we can catch up and mustard
[00:48:29] have you been grave to or is that or stitched what's broidered embroidered
[00:48:35] yeah engraved you guys you can't you can't we can't get them embroidered until
[00:48:42] you come up with a local name for your union because you got to have that on
[00:48:45] the back the 696 line sure 420 we could get beat up though for like big
[00:48:50] fake for stealing union I want you to say copo on it like a Jewish yeah yeah I
[00:48:59] want I'm in the mafia now I wanted to say copo what's bought Don is copo what
[00:49:06] copo son copo regime copa regime is is the ball yeah and copo is a general right
[00:49:14] a copo is a captain no capo regime is the capo regime is the top one it's the
[00:49:19] boss dude no that's the dawn it's dawn copo regime no yeah copo regime and they
[00:49:25] could see no no no I was looking at this together we don't care anymore so
[00:49:30] cuz Zigliari is not on the tree it's it's the side because he has a direct line
[00:49:35] to the to the ball to the bush yeah it's copo anyway I'm gonna be copo first of
[00:49:42] all I can't wait to be in the mafia dude I'm gonna change the shoot up yo you got
[00:49:46] I mean you don't need to change much up just just like kill someone killing
[00:49:50] people and stuff it seems tough murdering someone seems like a hard bridge to
[00:49:54] cross I was reading about the spreados the other day a David Chase like found
[00:49:59] out how much like the head of a crime family in north Jersey makes and like
[00:50:03] wanted Tony's character to make that much and like so that's how he wrote the
[00:50:07] show he didn't make that much money I think he made like one and a half
[00:50:11] million to two million dollars that's that's what he said really yeah yeah and
[00:50:15] and I'm surprised wanted that much money from like what so many people had to
[00:50:20] die stealing garbage truck contract I thought you were about to say that he
[00:50:25] makes like like a hundred and fifty thousand dollars no yeah that house in
[00:50:30] North Carolina Caldwell it's nice house he was buying yeah but you can have a
[00:50:33] mortgage on that that's why there's no mortgage as a cash deal I'll be key
[00:50:38] teach no no I think they said it was like two and a half million dollars okay
[00:50:43] that's not that much but for a boss yeah yeah for and also for like a fucking
[00:50:47] body count of maybe a hundred fifty two hundred people a year it's also funny
[00:50:51] one guy it's such a waste of time it's also I love how they'll just kill
[00:50:57] people in broad daylight and it's just like just walk away yeah I deal with that
[00:51:01] that's fucking insane I was talking with my friend about it but like what it
[00:51:05] comes down to I think with these with the mafia guys is like I think that they
[00:51:10] do all these crimes and like they kill people and they like run all these
[00:51:13] rackets because most of their day isn't spent doing crimes most of their day is
[00:51:17] hanging out in the back of a strip club or a porn time it's just to have a club
[00:51:22] house with your friend absolutely it's just so they can be you have to kill so
[00:51:24] they could be friends like a podcast yeah yeah yeah I'm obvious we're basically in
[00:51:29] the market I'm like sitting here next to merchandise and my shitty about the
[00:51:36] back of the truck trash everywhere expensive merchandise we really do live
[00:51:42] like mobsters boys yeah kind of I mean I got a fucking Vitamix yeah I bought a
[00:51:46] couple big ticket I got a giant TV I was questioned by the FBI last year
[00:51:51] everybody's trying to fuck with me on social media oh also a lot of people
[00:51:55] are asking on Twitter this week about me not getting paid by the show it's true
[00:51:59] I don't get paid by the show I'm just glad it doesn't for the love that I can
[00:52:02] be here nixing that it's kind of an internship we could re-examine 2017 is
[00:52:07] are you gonna say that on the show that we could re-examine my status well
[00:52:11] you're you you got free agent status is here so free agent if another podcast
[00:52:16] wants to sign you yeah well I mean I have no no prior to this you run a
[00:52:22] contract I got under $0 or $0 or contract but you couldn't break your deal but
[00:52:28] you know you said there was a bonus for laughs but I haven't I haven't had one
[00:52:33] joke go over yet yeah the entire time yeah I haven't said one you haven't said
[00:52:38] one joke that went over all right when I said free agent I meant free as in we
[00:52:41] don't pay any money okay yeah agent also just another word for Jew I don't know
[00:52:46] yeah it's just a synonym maybe I get picked up manager fucking uh
[00:52:50] accountant exactly right yeah well you know I'm not a very good Jew if I'm not
[00:52:55] making any money that's right you know you're back I'm the worst guy absolutely
[00:52:59] correct you know but it's angle with a good you they would outdo us think without
[00:53:05] negotiating a good Jew be getting all the money while we're here like I so
[00:53:09] that'd be great if we were to sketch and then we go into Adam's apartment in the
[00:53:12] sketch and it's just filled with menorah just to the brim oh what's up guys the
[00:53:22] closet's yarmulke is just nothing but fucking yarmulke has come out yeah in
[00:53:26] Greek like stops house is just a bathroom just a big bathtub filled with little
[00:53:32] boys it's a bathtub with 35 boys in it oh hell yeah dude so I was your feed me
[00:53:38] grapes dude yeah well greeks colors are the bathroom colors blue and white they
[00:53:43] love the bathroom yeah yeah dude is that bathroom color yeah yeah they look at
[00:53:48] the koala care station yeah it's just like why Greek flag basically koala also
[00:53:53] Greek animal mm-hmm it's true not Australia what's right what's Australia
[00:53:58] no I said koalas are not Australia the Greeks brought them there what's Australia
[00:54:02] also okay so there's okay south of East Asia there's like this island right but
[00:54:11] it's so fucking big that it's a concert you think she's so smart okay you've heard
[00:54:15] of Australia you're gonna fucking talk yeah tell us about Asia you're saying
[00:54:21] shit like southeast yeah we didn't ask you about directions I'm just saying
[00:54:24] imagine imagine imagine a fucking continent imagine every continent no no
[00:54:30] every continent every continent is an island you imagine what all the other
[00:54:34] Australia meeting someone that legitimately didn't know Australia and how
[00:54:37] excited he would be to tell them that he knows about Australia well first of all
[00:54:41] I would adjust my client he'll be standing at that bus stop for four and a
[00:54:45] half days be like yeah no it's got a pouch no it is actually you throw it
[00:54:52] baby baby comes out and crawls its way into the pouch yeah okay so England at
[00:54:58] a certain point yeah took all of their whores and criminals right and then they
[00:55:02] sent them down to this island sounds like my car place yeah yeah they got
[00:55:07] whores over there yeah yeah it was like a it was like a that's why the Dundalk
[00:55:11] accent is so similar to Australia it's true because they are that and and and
[00:55:16] and and I used to be done done done down down down down under there you go
[00:55:22] well and all gone down down down to all was actually founded by a group is weird
[00:55:27] but it would be if there was just for some reason from Australia for some
[00:55:30] reason indigenous marsupials in Dundalk but they just also had kangaroos and
[00:55:37] shit for some reason like yeah I like them because it you know they look like
[00:55:41] me very bottom heavy from all the fried chicken you know they you know but
[00:55:48] chicken boxes so they got a they're very bottom they got your pouch I got a
[00:55:52] pouch it's the front of my fucking jinko cut off it's got a big pocket oh my
[00:56:01] god yo you all lot of shit yo yeah that's the thing yeah outback steak I've
[00:56:06] been seeing New York girls were in jinkos recently oh really yeah they're
[00:56:10] like kind of coming back ironically I'm still for the jinko shorts where it's
[00:56:15] like it could be pants but then it's just comes up right above the ankle I
[00:56:19] was never a that's what makes it I was told those are called boyfriend style
[00:56:23] jeans boy boyfriend yeah wait at boyfriend in corn wait wait and not have
[00:56:28] your your pants past the Bechtel desk you fucking idiot you fucking idiot
[00:56:35] dare those motherfuckers dude yeah you should be ashamed of yourself wearing
[00:56:39] boyfriend pants why don't you wear you know proud proud media job female
[00:56:45] pants absolutely you know yeah woman who pays her own fucking rent by vlogging
[00:56:50] pants yeah yeah that's a woman I could respect you know it's always really
[00:56:54] funny to me is when a girl makes calls her boyfriend her partner I love that
[00:56:59] just sit there like well we're from Texas it's cool this is my life partner
[00:57:04] I'm not gay for Cowboys I always like to imagine that when I saw my gay people
[00:57:11] were like yeah this is my life partner oh you're from Texas you guys are both
[00:57:17] from Texas with the childy yeah I saw my
[00:57:22] you were being gay oh me and my friend you're gonna be from Texas all night
[00:57:27] you know he was alone he's you Texan fellers yeah remember they redecorated
[00:57:32] during all silver interco is you I put on I don't know how they do it in Texas I
[00:57:37] put on breakfast at Tiffany's the other night oh holy shit Mickey Rooney I
[00:57:42] can't I would love to watch that dude Mickey oh yeah there's videos if going
[00:57:50] over to like entertain the troops in World War two and he would just do that
[00:57:53] he would just go over hell yeah to entertain the troops in World War two
[00:57:56] and act like a bumbling fucking china mens Japanese guy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
[00:58:02] yeah yeah the changes for the troops yeah make him shit it was a really subtle
[00:58:06] change it to work really hard to change it from Chinese to Japanese man used to
[00:58:11] have be able to have such a killer career beloved entertainer did you see
[00:58:15] yet no problem what you're fucking there was this interview was worse than him
[00:58:19] Andy Rooney anybody from 60 minutes yeah but he's his brother no no
[00:58:25] the other also of racist Irish piece of show yeah he's a racist and the fact that
[00:58:30] the fact that Andy Rooney had a career and all he did was you know be like I
[00:58:34] go to the Bodega and I buy a cookie and it comes wrapped and I don't understand
[00:58:39] that I don't want to unwrap the cookie I want to eat it why is it coming in a
[00:58:43] wrapper and people are like this is hilarious wait people thought it was
[00:58:47] funny that's why he had a huge humor is a humorous people sit there and fucking
[00:58:52] laugh at that wow yeah Keith that is worse than racism alphabet has too many
[00:58:58] letters yet just complain it you know who I think was really bad really grind
[00:59:02] my gears the family guy thing yeah it's grimy gears yeah you know I think was
[00:59:05] really bad Jerry Lewis yeah everyone's like yeah he was a fuck yeah he just
[00:59:10] like he would act like a retarded person he was just a vine star yeah before
[00:59:14] vine that's a you come out on stage and fucking you know Dean Martin would
[00:59:18] stand there and smile and then Jerry Lewis would like cross his eyes and pretend
[00:59:22] like he was shitting his pants and I'd be like he's the goofy one and Dean's the
[00:59:26] guy that's not funny at all so he's funny in comparison because he's acting like
[00:59:31] a fucking you know mongoloid yeah he got a career off of funny faces yeah that's
[00:59:35] why you care about kids you know about kids in the end because he was just
[00:59:38] making fun of people with disabilities you know about that Holocaust movie yeah
[00:59:42] he released some of the footage well said he never would it's gonna come out hell
[00:59:46] yeah because he sold it to the Library Congress was it yeah well here's the
[00:59:49] thing it probably isn't even worth watching oh apparently it's a disaster
[00:59:54] I know I know it was a disaster and didn't want to release it but I mean it's
[00:59:57] you know every movie Seagull has made past 1996 has been a fucking disaster
[01:00:01] of course and it those are barely watchable even though I'm going in expecting
[01:00:05] them to be fucking shitty horrendous I don't even I don't think this movie is
[01:00:08] gonna have any kind of value to it whatsoever in terms of watching it
[01:00:11] yeah something out of it I tried to watch one of those crisp and glover movies that
[01:00:15] where he had like it's all just people with mental disabilities and it's
[01:00:19] unbearable you can't watch it yeah there's no point to it dude Jerry Lewis
[01:00:24] there is an interview this week with him the Hollywood Reporter and he was
[01:00:28] just being a fucking prick yeah to the to the interviewer and everyone's like
[01:00:32] wow isn't it so cool he hates interviews it's like no he's the funny face guy
[01:00:37] being mean well also apparently he stole that from somebody like there was some
[01:00:42] guy from a real parlor check stole from a part of people now there's some guy
[01:00:46] who's like thing was being that care that oh yeah that guy yeah yeah and he just
[01:00:51] I don't remember his name but yeah he just stole the only thing I fuck with
[01:00:54] Jerry Lewis thing I fuck with his King comedy so good and he's good in it
[01:01:00] too yeah because he's playing a fucking prick right and he's a prick
[01:01:05] you're so funny to do you know is well barely when they were when they were
[01:01:08] making that movie because both the Nero and Scorsese embrace method acting
[01:01:13] they were would fucking call Jerry Lewis a kike to his face on set because they're
[01:01:21] like he's not getting angry enough to this movie yeah so they were like yeah
[01:01:25] we're just gonna keep calling him a kike and sales and a somatic shit to him
[01:01:27] yeah he also had a different name which is so great because it's probably like
[01:01:32] he was just sucking and then they said all that and they were like oh it's to
[01:01:37] do a method act is one overheard that was why we were saying that is because
[01:01:44] of you know the fucking Meisner method they couldn't work there is not racist
[01:01:50] Italian is because this Strasbourg kite I mean the Strasbourg guy you know
[01:01:57] whatever you didn't work together until good fellas Lee Strasbourg took 15
[01:02:03] years apart they fucking De Niro and Scorsese after that after it was like
[01:02:07] too so taxing least Strasbourg have you ever seen him act no is he bad yeah not
[01:02:15] particularly good act he just came up with a good idea in the background in he
[01:02:19] plays a minor role in and is it Strasbourg Strasbourg is a big method
[01:02:24] the method guy yeah I think it's him because there's a couple of them there's
[01:02:27] Meisner Strasbourg and then he's like one other they're like the big you know
[01:02:32] acting coaches but yeah I think it was Strasbourg it plays like a an old
[01:02:36] Dell Close yeah an old uncle or something and and Justice for All which is a
[01:02:41] pretty good movie yeah which by the way is directed by Norman Jewison who I
[01:02:47] found out is not Jewish what yeah horse I looked at yeah Norman
[01:02:55] Jewison yeah I mean I just assumed he was Jewish because he's a director right
[01:03:00] you know you know Hollywood right knows on Jewish Adam Goldberg Hebrew hammer
[01:03:04] yeah not Jewish what shut up Jewish all right swear to god no you're trolling I
[01:03:08] swear to god he's like half Jewish she's like his dad's Jewish but he like does
[01:03:12] not consider himself to be Jewish at all faces Jewish dude I don't know yeah
[01:03:16] last name's Goldberg is last I'm gold does that shit yeah but he's not
[01:03:21] Jewish on a technicality it's not a guy named Norman Jewison no yeah yeah
[01:03:26] what is yeah all right does he look Jewish I've never seen him he's like an
[01:03:33] old man I always confuse him and died at Barry Levinson very Levinson is Jewish
[01:03:37] yeah Baltimore yeah well I mean there all is also shot in Baltimore oh really
[01:03:42] I've seen that one it's pretty good it's uh it's uh Al Pacino as a defense
[01:03:47] attorney and he's trying to see they don't know that is good trying to get his
[01:03:50] like trans client off and then she kills herself in prison right does that you're
[01:03:55] out of your order the whole damn systems out of order right right then he
[01:04:00] fucks that all those movies from the 70s is like the love interest is like a
[01:04:05] I'm a business woman you got shoulder pads and size negative I've got triple A
[01:04:11] breasts and shoulder pads and I'm taller than Al Pacino professional
[01:04:20] style there I don't smoke cigarettes and she's divorced right yeah I'm ever
[01:04:25] being divorced was meant that she was ruined forever right and I have raccoon
[01:04:29] style of makeup on yeah being sexy the kid the queen of all of them obviously
[01:04:35] Glenn Glenn Glenn in fatal attraction yeah she looks like she was dragged
[01:04:39] through a bush it's crazy yeah you know what comes those business women down is
[01:04:44] some good dick the moral of the story is just a man dicking them down yeah I
[01:04:51] was an executive your old roommate had that business woman vibe who out yeah yeah
[01:04:56] yeah she's she's gonna be one of those business she is she is she told me how
[01:05:00] much she's making for her first year at the law firm and I started laughing like
[01:05:04] not as bit like just laughing in her face yeah yeah she was like yeah so they
[01:05:10] raised a opening salary to 30% and I was like so how much you make and I
[01:05:16] legitimately expect her to be like 65 thousand dollars she's making like
[01:05:20] $12,000 and $90,000 my first year I lunch with my cousin he works in
[01:05:28] advertising I lunch my case a year like a year younger than me he works in
[01:05:31] advertising I'd lunch with him and I was like yeah it's pretty you know my
[01:05:35] podcast is making like decent money now and he's like congrats dude that's
[01:05:38] fucking awesome that's fucking the rules dude and I was like yeah he started a
[01:05:41] job right he's like yeah it's pretty good it's like a smaller company I'm
[01:05:44] like you but it's like a significant raise right he's like yeah I'm making
[01:05:47] pretty good money it's like just shy 200,000 years you know it's so much
[01:05:53] money and I just feel like a piece of shit you know and fucking but I like I
[01:05:58] see my aunt occasionally yeah I have like lunch and stuff and she's like always
[01:06:02] bitching about him like borrowing money from her like yeah he's still like
[01:06:07] it's a Rob he's like can I get like 200 bucks wow yeah I don't know I think has
[01:06:11] that even possible I just like he's probably just you he makes $200,000
[01:06:15] a million it just still takes money from yeah from his mom he used to getting
[01:06:20] presents from his mom dude yeah I know we were never put presents how I know I
[01:06:25] would get toys to bribe me like if I had to get a shot or some shit and I was
[01:06:29] good and he had to get a lot of shots dude I started getting he looked at him
[01:06:33] he's filled with shots I'm actually I weigh 105 pounds but this is really it's
[01:06:37] all like so swelling from Shonnys all testosterone because I am an alpha so
[01:06:42] actually it's estrogen because I have too much testosterone in my sister yeah I'd
[01:06:46] be too alpha I got these breasts from having too much testosterone that's why
[01:06:50] I have it you can make fun of my bitch tits but it's actually from being
[01:06:54] strong it's for me strong my genitals my genitals are have shrunk like a
[01:07:00] raisin yeah they basically shriveled up I've got like what looks like a fucking
[01:07:05] shoot on swizzle stick from having more than my dick used to be and it's from
[01:07:10] being strong it's from you know it's from deadless I deadlifted my way into a
[01:07:14] and a fuckless dick into an inoperable fuckless little pigtail dick I'm gonna
[01:07:20] get my fucking dick do you see those guys that like inject silicone and they're
[01:07:24] just have oh yeah yeah dicks of all the fucking fun it doesn't use your dick
[01:07:29] you know your dick looks like you know what those dicks look like it looks
[01:07:32] like those things I used to sell it like the discovery channel store it's
[01:07:36] like a little water test like water water to you put your finger in one hand
[01:07:39] it's one of those guys yeah they did the dick head like fluffs up and it's like
[01:07:44] put your finger in the middle yeah the dick looks like somebody took a
[01:07:46] grand's role and slammed it against a kitchen counter what's the kink where
[01:07:51] you like things going in your pea hole sounding sounding that's what sound
[01:07:54] off means in the comments sounding off is when you can show things in your
[01:07:59] picture sound off yeah oh fuck I got it I gotta I gotta take a shit but we're out
[01:08:04] of time for this oh great yeah we're already well okay sorry guys our show
[01:08:08] is on Monday the 26 if you're in New York hang out if we got a really good
[01:08:13] lineup so far it's just it's this it's the stars really are gonna be shining
[01:08:18] bright on Monday night to the 26 common I move order will be there Brandon Wardell
[01:08:23] our our best friend we'll be there yeah and yeah we have it's gonna be a great
[01:08:29] show come out to that shit be it yeah also watch for me on red eye January 5th
[01:08:34] or something and tape it on the 5th I don't know when it'll be on
[01:08:37] but actually you don't actually don't I'm not proud of any my appearances on that show
[01:08:43] I'm kind of like now even more nervous about associating with Fox News yeah
[01:08:50] especially you know going on with Gavin and those kind of guys but we had fun on
[01:08:53] Ants show I think you know and he's he's a he's a yeah I got yeah we talked about
[01:08:58] the the porn star yeah so my wife you know better worst hey you know what
[01:09:04] MSNBC won't put me on TV so Fox News it is well so I was doing Maddow
[01:09:09] actually next week yeah yeah Rachel Maddow so Rachel you fuck recently yeah
[01:09:16] yeah get some pussy and tips Rachel I know you got them secret dikey pussy
[01:09:21] tips I'm trying to figure those out you know how you did it since was your tongue
[01:09:25] yeah it's your tongue going in between all your teeth and shit click
[01:09:29] tickle their fucking pussy and we're out of time alright thanks eyebrows