Cum Town | Regular | 02/16/2017
[00:00:00] Nope, and we're starting the podcast without Adam
[00:00:13] Our show Pee Dee's here yeah, I remember guys listen to the live show Pee Dee from a live show is joining us
[00:00:21] Yeah, how curious I know we're both both my name that boy both Greek names
[00:00:30] Abro, I don't know. Well actually I just is Portuguese
[00:00:34] Okay, and the D is like the of the yes, and the brave was the town I guess okay
[00:00:40] So you're a Pee Dee over the brave king who was just fucking everybody was like you of yeah
[00:00:45] Yeah, you had dibs you had prima Noctis right how
[00:00:51] That means a bronze worker was that prima Noctis shit that's like some bullshit from it's fake for sure
[00:00:57] Yeah, yeah, we're a lord could just fuck your wife on your wedding night
[00:01:00] Yeah, I love how it's your wedding night
[00:01:08] JFK where it's a movie that's fucking great, but like completely inaccurate yeah, yeah, yeah, historically
[00:01:13] That's yes, I love brave heart though. Yeah, I like that. What's the real story?
[00:01:20] He was a guy that lived in the 1980s, and he was the first Scottish guy to get AIDS
[00:01:25] And Mel Gibson saw that and he was like, but what if he was a guy that fought the British?
[00:01:29] All that yeah, so that wearing dresses became kilts and then said a car pose these sarcoma lesions on his face
[00:01:38] Jesus Christ that was so smart for me. Thanks. Oh fuck. Yeah, dude. I get to be the smart guy
[00:01:48] Yeah, do you like it? Yeah, I should was gangster. I fucking love that movie. Yeah, I wish you beat the British
[00:01:54] I don't know the implication that he like fuck the Queen of France
[00:01:59] It's some Scottish retard from the woods fuck the Queen of France
[00:02:03] She cheated on the King. He's got that good big dude. Yeah, that good Scotsman dick
[00:02:07] I like it because everyone in that was uncircumcised
[00:02:18] Isn't it front to did you run Hollywood? I appreciate it. What if you never like
[00:02:24] You ever like of course you have you fucking squeeze your dick and make it look like it has foreskin. Yeah, yeah, yeah
[00:02:29] I have I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I imagine a different life where I have my foreskin
[00:02:36] How different you could be so what's up with the force can make you curthier?
[00:02:40] I like I think it's a visual aid. It makes your dick soft and three quarters hard look bigger
[00:02:46] You know it because you're I think your brain
[00:02:50] Ads ahead where there is no head. I think it's like an extra long shaft
[00:02:54] I think it's cool because like when it gets harder looks like your dick's taking this jacket off. Yeah, I
[00:02:59] Have a fucked up dick where pubes on the top you get like a can of the goose
[00:03:14] My dick is fucked up though. I might think only go my head pops out half. It's like it's wearing a
[00:03:20] So you can't see the full helmet sometimes you can if I if if she really gets you excited
[00:03:26] Yeah, it's it's interesting. Maybe if I'm really getting after it really going in there nicely or if it's a very
[00:03:34] But when you accidentally try to put your head through one of the sleeves exactly yeah, you can only see the top
[00:03:41] Which is an issue actually I can't believe I'm bringing up again double. Yeah, but I talked about millinery on
[00:03:47] The other part if you pull the foreskin back and then get hard that works and sometimes that happens
[00:03:53] But then it it's restrictive around the right before though. So it fucks so exactly
[00:03:58] It's like a little bit of a it's like a rubber band
[00:04:05] Too tight foreskin I know but I don't want to get scared of circumcision. It's 28 years old just become trans dude
[00:04:12] That's your right you can probably use the extra skin to make a pussy out of it
[00:04:16] I wish I saw my foreskin so I get half removed and have like a two-faced
[00:04:22] Flip a coin would you leave it like like vertically or horizontally?
[00:04:27] You have to go vertical yeah down in down the middle yeah, of course
[00:04:31] So you have the two face. Yeah two face. Do you want to come are you gonna come and I just flip a coin?
[00:04:35] Yeah, she never comes it's always head you want to know how I got these scars
[00:04:42] Then we're I don't remember two face says he's got a coin arm two face. Yeah, it's me too
[00:04:47] I think that's a two face. Yeah throw me some shit. Yeah, they fucked his face
[00:04:52] Yeah, he used to be a lawyer and then he was a good man
[00:04:55] He got acid thrown on his face my only exposure is through the Batman anime series and ever read the comics
[00:05:01] You didn't see the Christopher Nolan joint I did yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Yeah, it was fine
[00:05:07] But enemies I thought it was way overrated personally. It does not hurt
[00:05:15] Hollywood will hit on something and then they just carry it out to the bitter end
[00:05:19] Oh, yeah, and they just don't learn that like nobody has any interest is it anymore
[00:05:23] Well, I think the problem is you know how like so many shitty comics do Louie that now when you watch a Louie special
[00:05:32] Ruin for me because like those are open those are open mikers. There's our production companies with million dollar budgets
[00:05:38] I know but what I'm saying is so many people
[00:05:41] Swagger jacked the Nolan Batman that now you go back and see it and you're tired of gritty shit like that
[00:05:47] You're like oh everyone does this shit, but it's not it's not their fault that everyone jock their shit
[00:05:52] Then it kind of like takes it down a peg in my opinion
[00:05:55] I just thought it was a really strange message like the Bane character was like the occupy
[00:05:59] Yeah, the Bane wasn't good the Bane wasn't good talking about the movie of the car to movie right now dark night rises was great
[00:06:05] Batman begins his that the okay pleasure. Yeah, that was like the best. Yeah, also just a problem was good
[00:06:11] Also like props to him. He literally died. Yeah
[00:06:17] All that fucking stupid Jared leto shit
[00:06:23] Leto is trying to like upstage Heath Ledger with his Joker and it's like motherfucker you better die
[00:06:29] Yeah, you better fucking die from this. That's the only way
[00:06:32] I'm doing production. Yeah, what was it smack?
[00:06:35] Yeah, oh no, it was always like cuz a year and a half before the movie came out there like oh Heath Ledger like
[00:06:40] Sucked Will Smith's dick in the middle of the night. That's how crazy he is. Oh now he's like
[00:06:45] Yeah, leto. Yeah. Oh, Jared leto is making everyone listen to his shitty band. Yeah
[00:06:50] How crazy he said them condoms and shit. Yeah, yeah fuck Jared leto and plus it doesn't even take 30 seconds to get tomorrow's guys
[00:07:07] Doesn't it take it takes light 30 minutes to get tomorrow's it's where the name comes from oh
[00:07:12] That's pretty good. I think he was talking about heroin
[00:07:26] Is Mars Mars is in slang for heroin. I don't think you're the weirdest one is
[00:07:33] Slangford I've never heard that I've never heard that junk junk junk is
[00:07:42] Bone and scramble for the terms to determine quality what about horse that boy
[00:07:49] Boy, I don't know about boy got that boy. Coke is girl. Yeah. Oh
[00:07:54] I bit yeah, okay white girl dog food. Is that what dog me?
[00:07:58] I didn't know dog food is that what the dad boy meme is about is some guy trying to find heroin
[00:08:12] The frog's you gonna slice their stomach open and get it out he sells he sells the
[00:08:20] My love the wire when string of bells just going to economics class. Oh, yeah
[00:08:28] He just changes up the fucking he's trying to be a real business man
[00:08:48] Stanfield the same problem I love that episode where Stanfield like he's addressed up all nice if you're where he's coming from and then he just
[00:08:59] Just goes and stabs those children. Yeah, I still got it
[00:09:02] The name is my name. Yeah, you got to prove that you got the juice still, you know
[00:09:07] Even the junior tries to make him go legit with the money and then he always trying to ruin something. Yeah, sorry
[00:09:21] Big HBO drama in the in the vein of like, you know
[00:09:26] Sopranos or the wire or you know boardwalk Empire, but it's just
[00:09:42] The Jew lawyer no, that's the cop. That's a big fat guy
[00:09:46] It looks like the dad from dinosaurs. Yeah, and then he is that he's like a real Baltimore guy that Jay Lenzman. No, no
[00:09:53] We talked about this before it's it's there's a guy named Jay Lenzman who plays the lieutenant to the Western
[00:10:01] Yeah, bunny with bunny. He's the guy who has that super Baltimore accent. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know about this bunny
[00:10:06] No, it doesn't seem like to be a good plan
[00:10:11] Open-air drug market. Why if you think it's a good idea might as well do it
[00:10:16] Yeah, that was landsmen. That's the real landsmen and the fact guys just some fat guy who looks like a cop
[00:10:20] But also I'm pretty sure landsmen was the basis for the character munch who's played by Belzer and
[00:10:27] Belzer only plays detective munch on every show. Yeah, yeah, yeah
[00:10:32] What a sweet acting gig imagine like if you know you were an actor and you got one role
[00:10:38] And then you kept getting more roles and like okay in this you play a doctor you're like no, I'm an detective
[00:10:45] Well, you're an actor you're supposed to play different roles like no, I play a detective
[00:10:56] I play a guy named munch. Yeah, I somehow just I somehow flipped a mediocre stand up career into playing a
[00:11:03] Policeman over again. How the fuck did that happen? I think I would do that
[00:11:09] I gotta be a hood dude. I couldn't be they should just replace iced tea with you
[00:11:13] Yeah, but I can't do the cops serious. You're not
[00:11:18] More of like I gotta be the dude half the audience would be like I think that's the same guy
[00:11:28] Just practice your list dude. It's all you gotta do the scowl. You gotta get
[00:11:34] How how could you fuck a little girl like that?
[00:11:36] So while I'm young on the thing and how you could fuck go in the mouth
[00:11:46] Acting careers are always so funny to me like at the fucking ice cube is like a family comedy actor
[00:11:52] Yeah, like the dude that made the song no Vaseline is like yeah
[00:11:56] Now he's in movies where he has to get the kids to school
[00:12:01] It's the part of four different movies. Are we there? Yes?
[00:12:07] Uh was he in daddy day care? Probably. Yeah, I think he wrote daddy day care
[00:12:20] I feel like the key to making money in like hollywood like that type of shit the more corner the more successful like if you could
[00:12:28] Yeah, if you could use that muscle in your brain that creates corny ideas
[00:12:32] Yeah, and be like I know what they want and just like you
[00:12:37] Which we do what should be the come town corny ass?
[00:12:40] We gotta get the kids we had dalas child together
[00:12:43] Yeah, that'd be hilarious three of us and pd could be you could be his ethnic uncle
[00:12:50] You go we send our son up to the Bronx for wisdom. Yeah, we need a from bronze street perspective
[00:12:57] It's corny. I want to do a show where the you just like a white dude that feels bad about gender vying
[00:13:03] So he lies his way into a teaching position to help inner city use but he doesn't know shit about teaching
[00:13:09] So he's just destroying education system with good intentions
[00:13:13] Yeah, I thought that would be a fun show. Yeah, yeah
[00:13:16] Um, it's called dangerous months fuck off cotter. Yeah, suck him off cotter
[00:13:22] Yeah, who's it for? Yeah, who's it for? I don't know every comic every comic fucking they're like well
[00:13:30] It's four comics living in bed sty and they're mad about being jet fires and it's like no one in Illinois is gonna watch
[00:13:38] Crazy cuz I've been in like three of those
[00:13:51] I'm an open mike or that writes the same exact jokes as everyone else in the city and here's my idea for a tv show that somehow in my head
[00:13:58] I've convinced myself as original. Yeah, dude. Even the wire though. Think about that
[00:14:02] They had to get the rough and tumble dudes in the room and just talk and write down. Yeah. Yeah all that shit and then
[00:14:08] Well, I mean yeah, I mean state of Simon was like a you know a crime beat reporter. So you're the boss boy
[00:14:16] Deeply entrenched in that world for 20 years or you know at least 15
[00:14:19] And a lot of the other guys pelicanos was
[00:14:22] Involved yeah, I remember some of them were actual cops. I I don't know it was a real good fucking well
[00:14:26] That's why the writing staff the night of at least the pilot was so good because I think the guy who produced it and wrote it
[00:14:33] But it was like he was one of those wire guys
[00:14:35] And that's why it has that such a feel of realism and it's got boaty. Yeah, but the desperation of
[00:14:48] Adam's fault. It's not yours. Yeah, it's Adam Adam should know better, but he doesn't
[00:14:52] Yo, you from Baltimore. No, I'm from Maryland though. Oh, yeah, what's up with that lake trout though. You know about that?
[00:15:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know what it's about but every shitty like
[00:15:04] Carry out sells it. I've actually never had the chop cheese of Baltimore. What's chopped cheese?
[00:15:13] It's just a cheeseburger chopped up on a on a hero. Oh, okay
[00:15:17] I hear people ordering it and I never you know, there's a never Williamsburg chop cheese place now
[00:15:25] Do they they had that saw something? Oh my god bucks that whole foods. Yeah, they're doing some drugs like that
[00:15:31] So it's just a cheeseburger. It's hamburger. Yes a cheeseburger on a fucking hero. Okay chopped up though
[00:15:36] That could be all right with cheese our bodega. There's like a halal
[00:15:41] So there's no meat or no pork. Oh, what? Yeah, it sucks
[00:15:45] Hallelujah, they got pork well for them. Not in mine
[00:15:47] Just a shitty bodega because they don't have it fancy. They don't have yeah
[00:15:51] You can get his turkey and chicken and it gets really fucking you know what?
[00:15:56] Sucks. I'm gonna ban him. Are they getting back? Are they?
[00:16:00] Yo fucking list true story on the way here. I'm on the train and
[00:16:04] Like a Muslim looking I don't know I don't know Indian fellow
[00:16:08] Yeah, I don't know the fuck is Indian looking fellow
[00:16:12] Yeah, so I'm sitting down there. You can tell any of guys any guys from wrestling because any of you guys are usually smiling
[00:16:18] Well, yeah, okay, okay. They're usually they have a smile on their face
[00:16:25] They can never smile. Yeah, but but not so I'm sitting there in the dude comes
[00:16:29] He's like hey, man is it cool if I sit down next to you?
[00:16:33] And in my mind like I'm coming from the Bronx. I don't ask nobody no fucking questions
[00:16:39] So in my mind I'm like dude, it's a free country that I thought about I was like oh
[00:16:50] Felt entitled like I've been trained for though. I get yeah, I don't fucking ask yeah
[00:16:55] I that's you know, it's important to be rude to people on public transit
[00:17:00] Imagine that you're sitting there. Hey, buddy. Can I sit down next to you? Yeah? No now you mean we now
[00:17:05] I'm think you're trying to rob me. Yeah, what do you ask me any kind of fucking question?
[00:17:08] I was on a packed one train one time and there was some dude like packed to just fucking everybody next to each other
[00:17:14] And there's one dude and all you can move is his head and he's like I'm gonna reach him up
[00:17:19] Hager right now. I'm gonna stab him and his motherfucking eye. He's gonna see I'm gonna stab this fucking dude
[00:17:24] Well, touch me again. I'm gonna fucking kill this dude
[00:17:27] No one's reacting to it because we're just like fucking packed in and he's just sort of threatening the space
[00:17:34] Dude, I was great the same exact shit happened to me
[00:17:38] But it was a one it was I was on a four or five four five going downtown and a woman
[00:17:43] Hit the emergency like stop and it was rush our everyone's trying to get fucking home
[00:17:49] And she was just yelling at this african dude who I guess bumped her and she's like
[00:17:52] I'm an american citizen and guess what we all facebook live right now. I'm gonna get your ass
[00:17:59] Go back to africa. I'm an american citizen. Yes. Oh, man
[00:18:04] That was trump trump won like two days before that
[00:18:07] You gotta turn up sometimes man the peppers must have loved that she's trying to fucking get him on facebook
[00:18:14] They do that's her favorite account is for the pepays love pop son
[00:18:18] Who I had to stop following because he steals jokes does he that was pop son?
[00:18:21] He's this guy on twitter. He's like this black he was african actually I think he's like
[00:18:26] Librarian or something but like librarian american so he like grew up here and I guess his parents and I might be fucking on the details or whatever
[00:18:31] Yeah, but he's like a black race realist
[00:18:35] So the nazis love him because like you know he
[00:18:38] Fucking says racist shit about fox with him already
[00:18:41] Yeah, he's like we need more than he's fucking hilarious
[00:18:45] We need more he's really funny, but I saw him on numerous occasions just straight up lift jokes from other people
[00:18:50] Oh, that's not cool. Yes, but I like his fucking uh
[00:18:53] Approach. Yeah, not that not the theory of pro the nazis have a lot in common with the hotab guys
[00:18:58] And so like they they I feel like they get along. Oh, they're all about historical revisionism. Yeah, yeah
[00:19:04] But like you know who's awesome. I don't understand how anyone could like dislike the black israelites. Oh, they're hello. You know me and my dude was smoking a blunt
[00:19:12] On 124th the other day and we saw like a bunch from jump out of a suburban
[00:19:17] And like run across the street and like there was no content. It was just a
[00:19:22] Stress felt right like fucking Chinese. I know they look like they're in a fucking RPG
[00:19:43] Yeah, no, they're hilarious. Oh, I love watching when they're just like fucking pointing out people in the street
[00:19:49] And they're like this fucking dude right here. He should be killed
[00:19:55] Whatever it's great. Yeah, they're there. You know why because they have the hearts of trolls. Yeah, that's that's what ultimately you identify
[00:20:04] Most as a troll. I think probably of hearts. Yeah, even more so than comedian. You are a troll in your soul
[00:20:09] Yeah, I guess yeah, because a lot of you come to use to troll people trolls are cool. Yeah, no, it's good to fuck with people
[00:20:16] The problem is the best way to look like if you want to live a carefree life constantly make people upset and uncomfortable
[00:20:22] This is what we're talking about the other day. The problem is is that
[00:20:26] The early internet was all about punching down. It was all about bullying people that are lesser than you
[00:20:32] And now that's like against the rules. Yeah, now you have to just be like, you know, how funny would be if that culture continued and like
[00:20:40] At midnight was like a show where four comedians they're hooked up to like stick cam and they pick a 13-year-old girl
[00:20:45] They won salter until she kills herself
[00:20:47] And the last person is hype anything into chat chris hardwicks like, you know, you just won the internet
[00:20:54] They'll watch as the girl fucking overdoses on
[00:20:57] And fucking blacks out on on camera and they're like, well, you ding ding ding ding
[00:21:04] Whatever you fucking went on at midnight. I've never signed away in anything. I think I did a little win a tv credit, bro
[00:21:10] Yeah, you get to be on common central. You're like, yo, check me out tonight
[00:21:16] Um, I never did any cyberbullying, but I did a little I did I had a little bit of middle school bullying
[00:21:22] Yeah, where I did some iRL bullying. I feel like Adam. You never bullied. Oh, no, we I mean you got bullied
[00:21:28] We bullied my friend Tommy into now being a street magician mind freak
[00:21:34] Pity I feel like you might you you had some years of bullying
[00:21:36] No, I was always funny. I ran with the bullies you ran with the bullies
[00:21:40] I was like the bullies gesture. You were the bully comic relief. Yeah, I was like the like if the bully couldn't think of something clever
[00:21:47] I would say it and you couldn't do anything
[00:21:58] That's beautiful. That was yeah, that's a very important role. I mean, I think that's why I became funny was in middle school
[00:22:04] There were just all these men walking around I hadn't even started puberty. I like I had zero pubes
[00:22:08] So I had to become funny you had to saw you had to find a man
[00:22:20] It was just like light bullying. I was holding you gay. I was holding their HIV in sixth grade
[00:22:35] I'm like that that trolls get troll or tails get strolled comic with bugs bunny and I'm quote where it's like
[00:22:42] Yeah, I used to get trolled, but then I found a way to stop it
[00:22:45] You just do all sorts of stupid and gay shit like dressing up like a girl and kissing them. I don't like doing it but it works
[00:22:54] The trolls are cool, man. Yeah, were there trolls in the box cool. Yeah, I mean, or was it just was it more uh naked uh
[00:23:02] Just I feel like trolls is like it's like you're talking about Trump is a
[00:23:09] He's like the god of the trolls because it's like every time like imagine if you could write a post and people march every time
[00:23:24] I love him people like look at him. They're like wow look how insecure he is he gets bent out of shape over SNL
[00:23:29] It's like no, he wrote one tweet an SNL dedicated an entire episode
[00:23:33] There's a disparity in who's fucking angry here. I heard some dude the other night at a show
[00:23:38] He was like a sure he is. I'll do it and he's just like yeah, so Trump said this thing about me and I was like dude who the fuck are you?
[00:23:48] No one gives a fuck. That's like that's how good of a troll he is. Just people that no one even knows
[00:23:52] Yeah, he's gonna troll the world dude into fucking world war three. He's I don't care
[00:24:00] Troll Holocaust. No, I know how to fucking fight. I know how to make shit now
[00:24:04] So I'm gonna move into the woods start a compound build everything myself. Yeah, no, you're dead dude. No, you're dead
[00:24:12] Probably you need you need 35,000 calories a day
[00:24:21] No, you know, I can survive. I'm very little actually I I've been storing for this might be survive on your little
[00:24:28] I am very gaunt cheeks. There's just a lot of nuts. I'm like a squirrel. I'm just storing
[00:24:33] Have you ever seen Alaska the last frontier, bro? I have not you
[00:24:38] It's just about these fucking people living off the grids. Oh fuck wait. I have
[00:24:41] It's this weird thing. They're like a family right and they have like there's like a town some it's weird dude
[00:24:46] There's like these there's like a strange undercurrents. It's just fun
[00:24:49] Yeah, they must fuck their sister and they they made up their own fucking accent. So they all talk like real weird and shit
[00:24:55] Yeah, it's fucked up. I'm pretty sure they fuck each other. I like those siblings the chicks will go out and like collect what's weird about that
[00:25:03] Are you saying you fuck your sister? No, I'm just saying it's not weird to fuck your sister. I mean, yes, it is
[00:25:15] This is a pedophile like David Bowie taught me
[00:25:28] Accidentally like uncovered like I guess a weird part of himself, but he was like yeah, you know, there was gay liberation
[00:25:34] There's trans liberation. I guess the next thing is gonna be incest liberation
[00:25:41] There's no there's no no brother cuz there's no real argument for why
[00:25:45] incest if it's too consenting adults there's no argument against why you shouldn't be allowed to have an ancestral relationship
[00:25:52] If a brother and sister fucked up kids doesn't if your brother and I mean it doesn't matter. I guess though
[00:25:57] We have genetic typing you can take a bubble about read any couple and say you have a
[00:26:02] 90% probability you're gonna have a kid with down syndrome should be illegal for those people of fuck yes. Yeah
[00:26:21] I just think I just think rape should only be legal in cases of rape or incest
[00:26:25] That was my brother. Yeah, it was just Thanksgiving. Yeah, what are you just trade off?
[00:26:31] Straight off still we still have federal funding for Planned Parenthood, but
[00:26:45] Yeah, because no because look if you go into Planned Parenthood to get an abortion right and it's gonna piss off conservatives because they only
[00:26:51] Approve abortion cases of rape if you're guaranteed to get raped at the Planned Parenthood
[00:27:15] That's what's wrong the conservatives think that it's cool to have an abortion if you're raped. Yes, usually generally that's
[00:27:23] Some of them it's some of them don't some of them don't sure but like you know
[00:27:28] That's the exceptions people making cases of rapeers laws in certain states where you couldn't you can't have abortions
[00:27:34] Yeah, um, I know they've made it the main very very strict. Abraham can hop in on this
[00:27:42] That on the at the local level they've made a lot more difficult to get abortions in the last couple years, but specific
[00:27:47] Yeah, I mean they have an outright uh, indiana specifically, right? Yeah, I'm from indiana
[00:27:52] Uh, they haven't like outright made it illegal, but they've done a lot of things trying to define
[00:27:58] Right like the only resource for it. So it's like de facto illegal
[00:28:02] It's like like saying well look, you know, no one's saying you can't uh go, you know get
[00:28:12] It's just that we've taken all of the chemotherapy drugs and moved them out of states
[00:28:16] They also do shit like like a mandatory
[00:28:19] Transvaginal ultrasound, which I don't know if that means that you are required to pay for it
[00:28:23] And then it makes it like harder to get an abortion because uh, it's just about making it more uncomfortable
[00:28:28] Would they put like a big like rod in your purse?
[00:28:31] Uh that would have transvaginal yeah, well they a transvaginal ultrasound. I think they put your pussy up to a Tesla coil
[00:28:40] Okay, I I think the one the one thing the conservatives the one thing the conservatives
[00:28:45] Uh, I I do think it I have like I think the one conservative opinion
[00:28:50] I have related to this shit is that if you if you have a wet dream
[00:28:55] You should have a christian burial for those other things. I think you should have a priest there
[00:29:00] I mean, I think that is a life sure watching real time with bill more
[00:29:03] I've never seen the show so it's not a fact sound like you're sure you'd have to what you have to have like
[00:29:09] 24 hours to get it in the ground like you'd have to move quick. Yeah, you have to move quick. I have to yeah
[00:29:15] It's just a very can of any tattoos. Yeah
[00:29:20] No, but uh, what didn't Mike Pence he said he wanted to every time he had an abortion you have to have a funeral for
[00:29:25] Yeah, well ricksand torim actually did it. They brought the they brought the dead baby the fetus home to play with the kids
[00:29:31] Yeah, yeah, the kids still birth. They somehow got like clothes for it didn't they they put like kendall clothes on the fetus
[00:29:42] His book where he said that barber bush brought home
[00:30:05] And they're like oh, this is so fucked up that they're so obsessed
[00:30:08] You know and I'm like this never happened. Mm-hmm and then barber. Crop. Pot is like a slow cooker. Yeah, she is a cut throat
[00:30:18] She does not love her son at all was like
[00:30:23] Yeah, I don't remember it that way at all. Yeah, like she just completely threw him under the bus
[00:30:28] She did not give a shit at all. Yeah, you guys have a girl uh have an abortion for you. No, yeah
[00:30:38] Like I've had like I don't even know how many
[00:30:45] That's like that's like a Bronx thing, right?
[00:30:49] I've seen that movie, but no the chick was like yo
[00:30:52] I'm like yo, I'm thinking playing parenthood like I don't gotta pay for this shit
[00:31:07] It was 400 when I did it but who we went to southeast d.c
[00:31:13] And it was the cash only place we went to
[00:31:18] It was so funny that big sir paycheck from wetsos pretzels
[00:31:26] There's a dude there's a dude sitting next to me with uh teardrops two teardrops had to do on his face
[00:31:31] And he was on the phone crying and to his mom. Are you sure it wasn't a tattoo?
[00:31:35] That's what I that was that was like that was the first thought I had with it
[00:31:40] It was like oh were those for babies that boy was it okay, but he's crying to his mom and he's like
[00:31:45] Mama this bit this bitch say she this bitch said it was 250 now
[00:31:50] She said it's 375 and then his boy sitting next to me like hey tell that bitch to bring you a receipt though
[00:31:58] Why do you think the survey on the bottom you get a free abortion the next time I think so yeah
[00:32:03] There's some sort of group on one charge. Yeah
[00:32:06] Um no, I never I've I've been to plan B for I've been to plan plan for a lot of plan B's
[00:32:12] Oh, yeah, that's why I haven't dude. I'm a little I went to plan paranoid to get tested one time
[00:32:18] I think I'm shooting blanks because I've never had to fucking I'm not careful at all
[00:32:34] I did too many Tim Allen noises. I don't have the money to fix it
[00:32:41] But I went to one one time and they had a guest book like a little composition notebook you sign it
[00:32:46] No, no, I just flipped her it and read all the entries
[00:32:50] Holy shit, dude one of the funniest things of everyone
[00:32:54] Like everyone was nice. Thank you so much. I was upset when I found out that I had syphilis but other than that
[00:33:02] I was just protesting. I thought you were talking about the abortion guest book
[00:33:05] I was mad to be like well. They don't let the guy into the abortion room
[00:33:09] So a little tiny like handprint on each pitch the whole waiting room
[00:33:14] We were telling you're grossed out by abortion jokes. You started this show talking about how your dick doesn't fit through its dick skin
[00:33:20] Different dude. No, that's not bad. We aborted. That's my dick. My dick is happy
[00:33:25] In a perfect world you're being barred from reproduction because of your fucked up genitals
[00:33:29] No, dude, because they're beautiful in their own right. You know, no, I don't agree with that. Yes
[00:33:34] They are no, I don't I don't my dick has character. Yeah, my dick has character and it's kind it's cute
[00:33:41] I was laughing so hard. I think it will be last week when you said that girls tell you have cool balls
[00:33:49] Live out of here to find something else. No, I just have nice big balls. You balls are pretty neat. Yeah chill balls, bro
[00:33:56] Um, yeah, I know this is the truth. That's my existence, but I choose to believe I just have extraordinary balls
[00:34:04] I mean, you know, they're heavy. They're heavy hangers. You know, yeah, they taste good. How far
[00:34:13] Does your dick go down to the bottom of the balls or like in the middle?
[00:34:16] Can you throw them over your shoulder like a condom? Yes, I absolutely can
[00:34:20] I could throw them. I could do them pretty high. Honestly. They're heavy hangers. Like I said
[00:34:24] I'll show you guys some pretty funny pictures of my ball. My balls on some stairs like I was doing an American apparel thing and
[00:34:31] I was sitting on stairs and but one ball just like kind of fell down and it's it's hanging low, dude
[00:34:36] It's pretty good. That's bonus content. We'll give it to the one time one time
[00:34:39] But for my great grandma died or my grandparents house and she's sitting
[00:34:43] Thank god far into the living room and she's telling some story some awful story about like
[00:34:48] Uh, I think I mentioned this on the podcast before but she's talking about like well
[00:34:53] I remember being a little girl and my grandmother my grandmother had a house on Georgia Avenue and at the end of the block
[00:35:03] And he would sell apples and me and me and my cousin
[00:35:06] Uh, uh, uh, used this would run up and pull his tail and laugh and steal the
[00:35:12] Used I don't know so much middle name. Yeah, I was coming up with old people names. So
[00:35:15] Yeah, we're gonna run up and pull his tail and steal his apples and laugh and laugh
[00:35:20] I hope I was laughing at this hate crime story. Yeah. My grandmother would pull his tail his cue
[00:35:25] I'm assuming yeah. Yeah. Yeah and steal his jet lee movie era. Right. There's a
[00:35:30] Chinese immigrant just trying to fucking sell some apples and his children are asking
[00:35:34] Meanwhile, everyone's looking on they're all like, you know enjoying this story
[00:35:37] I look over my grandfather and he's at the edge of his fucking seat and he's got you know
[00:35:41] These weird grandpa Kirkland brand shorts on and one of his balls is just completely hanging
[00:35:48] He's enthralled by this story. I was like what the fuck is going on
[00:36:02] That shit is so awesome that johnny Knoxville bit from the jackass
[00:36:05] Yeah, old woman. Yeah. Yeah. That shit is so fun. The older the old man. Yeah, that's my car door
[00:36:16] Well, that's a lot of the one where he's just kissing a young woman
[00:36:22] That bitch just had a feeling incense better feel it. Dude. It's so fucking fun. I know I love it
[00:36:28] Nothing is fucking funny than jackass jackass is the funniest movie. What's the one where he takes the shit in the fucking display toilet?
[00:36:39] Hilarious, but that guy's a clean as shit up. Yeah, that's when punching down was cool. Yeah, that is good
[00:36:47] Dude, I'm gonna fucking watch the I'm gonna watch the jackass movies after we wrapped this one boys. Should we should we um
[00:36:54] We should end the podcast early. We should do it. This should be a 20 minute episode. We should watch jackass instead
[00:36:58] Pity you down. I mean yo, my knees has hurt. Yeah, I got podcast me. I got podcast me
[00:37:07] Dude jackass videos with your friends. No, yo, we used to do the shopping cart thing. Yeah, everyone did the shopping cart thing like oh
[00:37:16] My my my my name's eric and this is jackass shut up Dave. Shut up David. Okay. I'm gonna do it
[00:37:22] And then like you know it would be pushing your friend gently against a tree. They're like
[00:37:29] The end of 12 year old jackass we did jackass vid where we thought it was a jackass vid where it was like
[00:37:35] We're gonna make our friend Ryan smoke weed for the first time and we just picked grass off of my friend's neighbors
[00:37:40] Like front yard and then we just rolled it up in a joint and then he smoked it. We're like are you hot?
[00:37:49] They were like yeah, you're a bitch. I remember watching some local news thing
[00:37:53] So I'm like fox five thing about some kid that was uh
[00:37:57] Trying jacks like you're your children may be doing jackass at home
[00:38:03] That's huge. Yeah, and then they showed the video of this kid
[00:38:06] And they like set like a thing on fire and then he like put it out with his chest
[00:38:10] You know like he said like a molotov even if they made like a molotov cocktail and he goes to put it out with his chest and just sets his chest
[00:38:16] So he's running around the backyard and his friends are like yo dude. Look at Matty. He's on fire
[00:38:26] And then eventually he jumps in like the pool or something eventually he puts it out or whatever and then they cut to like him getting like all
[00:38:31] These skin grafts and it's like chest being lowered into this like, you know saline solution to make the skin grafts take
[00:38:38] And it's like and that's what he's like. Yeah, I'm that Ian and then what's so great about that is you watch
[00:38:43] You watch the video and the response is like yeah, that would sound very funny, dude
[00:38:50] If you had heard yourself doing a funny jackass, maybe I'd feel bad for you
[00:38:54] Well, we didn't get as kids was that they were on so many fucking pills and so yeah drugs for sure time
[00:39:02] For sure. Yeah, it must have been so that's why I love the sorry to cut you off
[00:39:08] Uh-huh is because outside the club because he tried to hang out with the red hot chili peppers
[00:39:13] And he's just some bullshit actor that wanted to be a rock star
[00:39:16] Fucked up hung out with the red hot chili peppers for one night and died
[00:39:28] You sure yeah, I don't know. I mean you just you pretend to be us in the movies
[00:39:33] I don't know if you can do it for real and then uh, yeah lights out for him
[00:39:37] Uh, did he die with a tube sock on his dick naked did he wasn't that the red hot chili peppers?
[00:39:43] Underwear right there. Just wear underwear. What was he doing heroin?
[00:39:46] Uh, I think they were they were doing they would mainline
[00:39:53] Jesus and then and then uh do heroin right after it was a sick speedballs
[00:39:58] But they were shooting up the speedballs individually god damn
[00:40:05] I feel like there's not enough artists that do an unlike
[00:40:08] You know, that's the real talent when it comes to music. Yeah
[00:40:14] Yeah, it's the fucking rock music the best is the ability to do that level of fucking narcotics
[00:40:19] Yeah, the best the best music fucking are there any rappers in doing heroin?
[00:40:24] I don't know. I think you gotta be up for that. Huh? I feel like you gotta be up to rap. Yeah
[00:40:29] But I think it would be cool. Well, actually I guess the codeine is like kind of coding. Yeah
[00:40:35] Respect a rapper that mixed PCP in mushrooms all the time
[00:40:40] That's like the mindset of somebody who I would like to hang out with
[00:40:52] Let's get wet guys. That's that'll be our next thing get wet before I never got wet man
[00:40:57] No, I was always scared of hardcore shit cuz like dad smoked crack and did every heroin and all that shit. Oh, so you were out on
[00:41:04] Yeah, and even like coke. I've never even
[00:41:07] See but coke I was because when I was growing up remember they used to be like crack cocaine
[00:41:12] Right, so they were like related so I was like I was like, yeah, yeah
[00:41:17] Rich people no, I know but it was like your business cocaine was his last name. Yeah
[00:41:46] He said everyone was doing a pit he said that that's what why Martin Lawrence went crazy because of pcp
[00:41:52] Apparently once you get famous. They don't need a pcp anymore
[00:41:56] But I feel like whenever new drugs come out or when they're hot
[00:42:00] Like anything. It's just it's you got like I remember listening to my uncle talking about like when they would smoke crack like at parties
[00:42:10] Cuz it was something new so it was like yeah, you don't know
[00:42:13] Right, what thing about all the shit that was new at one point that now in retrospect you're totally embarrassed you like like the venga boys
[00:42:20] That's like crack cocaine. You know like you didn't think that who let the dogs out wasn't gonna be a cool song
[00:42:29] You were you had all the bahame and posters
[00:42:32] Dogs that is a good song. I don't give a fuck when anyone says crack okay, yes, you know, um
[00:42:37] Yeah, there's that I mean fucking Wu Tang raps about fucking uh
[00:42:44] Yeah, the combination made my eyes bleed
[00:42:47] And what sess it's just pea is it what is it? Is it pc pier?
[00:42:51] Hello, what was the what's the living again?
[00:42:53] Sess and we the combination made my spoken sess and we the combination made my eyes bleed
[00:42:58] I think it's like it's some always thought sess just meant weed. No. No how did two no no
[00:43:03] Yeah, it's but it makes sense because he said makes my eyes bleed. Yeah, he's like sess and we sess and so yeah
[00:43:08] It's some it's some kind of weird drug that it's like everyone was just doing
[00:43:15] Did that shit he told me about it. He's smoking wet
[00:43:17] It's exciting punching people on the train for no reason
[00:43:20] Easy he fucking yeah. Yeah, just punching people in the face for no reason
[00:43:30] There's a totally valid reason look if you can punch people because you think they're a nazi
[00:43:35] You should be able to punch people because you're on pc
[00:43:39] Everyone on the train is a fucking nasty
[00:43:42] I know pcb is bad. It's all about perception. Why not being able to lift a ford f150 truck must be I can already do that dude
[00:43:50] No, you can't yeah, first of all you're not allowed to buy an f150 unless you can lift
[00:43:54] They measure your dick. They measure your dick and that's to be huge and you you have to have
[00:44:01] It's a ruler. It's a ruler that says dead is leery is the voice of four trucks, right?
[00:44:05] I have a penis ruler at the four dealership. I know I work there and the inches are labeled uh, honda ikea toyota
[00:44:19] That son is the first one. What's new son? Oh, is it? Yeah, that's badass. You'll get back in the datson days
[00:44:25] Yeah, my dad had a datson. Yeah, then when I was like 16. He's like, I don't know if he my son
[00:44:34] Wait, that's in was uh nissan, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah
[00:44:38] That's and it was like a weird star or some shit like that. Like you don't go with us
[00:44:43] And your crack-spoken dad had a datson he could hold down a datson
[00:44:46] But that shit was like probably when like nissan maximus was out right right
[00:44:50] That's it was like why do you have that piece of shit? Yeah, yeah, the fuck is this piece of shit?
[00:45:01] Um, you have a Rob someone no have you oh, yeah, let's yeah. Yeah, I did
[00:45:06] Times yeah, we you talked about it. I was just I was in full. I was there. I was like a happenstance
[00:45:11] That's an accessory bro. Yeah, pretty much. I just I was trying to get a ride home excessive ride. Yeah
[00:45:16] How did you get started robbing Pete huh? You just wanted to rob nah?
[00:45:23] I got robbed one time and like by my closest like one of my closest dudes stole it fucking gift
[00:45:28] That's what's happened to me dude. I mean I do this show and these guys fucking take a cut so
[00:45:33] You get right then you gotta rob other people right now
[00:45:35] You lose that sense of remorse. We're like right. I gotta get somebody else
[00:45:40] Yeah, I'm gonna steal his tv while next sleeping one of these days. This shit is big as fuck
[00:45:44] Like I said, I don't steal no more, but I praise
[00:45:48] How much how would you think this should be cost it shit cost like at least a month's rent for me
[00:45:53] Yeah, it cost more than much rent for me. Okay. Yeah, I mean
[00:45:58] I was thinking about that on the way here
[00:45:59] I was like the only reason you would live this far is if you pay like two dollars a month and something like that
[00:46:03] Yeah, I was like a real great deal. I've never paid more than 600 a month in New York
[00:46:07] Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah, because is it because you go to like the places that's not overpopulated with fucking oh the first two places
[00:46:13] I live for Chinatown and my my first my first place was 350 months. No one wants to live in Chinatown
[00:46:18] Yeah, nobody does. He's from fish all day. Right fish and garbage. Yeah, you just what you do is you just pretend you're in the in blade runner
[00:46:29] Well last I was in Maryland. Yeah, so that was cool. Like you moved to fucking Chinatown
[00:46:34] The shittiest place I lived was in Los Angeles. I lived in a garage
[00:46:38] That large but you're in large part, right
[00:46:40] Or at what yeah, but yeah, that's a nice neighborhood. Yeah, but the I lived in a garage that fucking uh the
[00:46:56] What at water? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that water village whose garage was it?
[00:47:02] You know, it's so funny the first place I went to like when I I was staying on Ryan's house couch
[00:47:07] And so I started doing the craigslist thing like trying to find a place and every place I looked was a fucking nightmare
[00:47:12] and I went to one place in at water the first time and
[00:47:16] You know, it's a recently recently priced place and I go in and it's like two like, you know
[00:47:21] Like housekeeping like those kind of ladies like middle-aged, you know, sort of trollish looking
[00:47:26] You know, make immigrants. Yeah, but you know, like the the the ones that look like they're
[00:47:32] You know indentured servants for motel six
[00:47:34] And uh and then this older like Mexican guy showed me the place and he showed me the room
[00:47:43] I think it was listed for 500 or whatever but he's real out of it and the room looked like shit
[00:47:47] And we'd have to be living with these like two old women
[00:47:50] And then there was a dark in there and it smelled bad
[00:47:52] And he shows me the bathroom and there's like the bathtub is just backed up with like fucking stagnant water
[00:47:58] And I was like, what the fuck is this? He's like, yeah, it's okay, you know
[00:48:01] I was like, I just wanted a room. I maybe it'd be temporary to get off my friend's couch
[00:48:05] So he shows me the room and I'm like, yeah, so I'm like, it's like 400, you know, everything included, you know, and I figured I'd just
[00:48:10] Try and shake him down or whatever a bit and uh, he was like, yeah, this is fine
[00:48:14] So I'm walking out and I'm leaving the place
[00:48:16] I'm like, I don't know, this seems like a scam
[00:48:19] I'm like, I don't know, this seems like a scam
[00:48:25] I'm walking out and I'm leaving the place
[00:48:28] And this uh, this Mexican dude's like um
[00:48:32] You know, so he just like, he's the turns to me and he's like
[00:48:40] You know, maybe come back a little later and bring him money
[00:48:48] Yeah, maybe I mean, I'll go look at other places
[00:48:50] And then there's this like painting of the moon in like the in the trash outside
[00:48:59] And I'm like, yeah, you know, you're okay
[00:49:03] And he's like, my girlfriend, she just she just broke up with me
[00:49:11] And he's like, I've been I've been at East Forest
[00:49:17] And then he starts crying on my shoulder
[00:49:21] And I'm just like padding this fucking middle is
[00:49:29] And he's just sort of crying on his shoulder
[00:49:31] And he's like sobbing and I'm like, I'm sorry, I guess
[00:49:35] He's like, but you come by later and bring the money
[00:49:39] So then I found this other place with this woman
[00:49:41] And you know, she showed me the apartment
[00:49:43] It's a pretty good deal. It was like 600 a month
[00:49:45] Everything included and this is the room inside the house at the time
[00:49:51] My son's here half the time he spends half the time with his dad
[00:49:53] And I was like, you know, all this stuff dedicated to her son
[00:49:55] Which is fine. He gets people love their kids or whatever
[00:49:57] But you know, she's telling me, you know, like, oh, well
[00:49:59] He's an actor and he's been in a lot of stuff, you know, Nickelodeon likes him a lot
[00:50:03] You know, he's seven. Oh man, this kid sounds like he sucks
[00:50:06] Yeah, and so she's showing me the house or whatever
[00:50:09] And she's like, well, this will be your room and look like a nice room and shit
[00:50:12] And I'm like, yeah, it seems like a good deal
[00:50:13] And I'm like, fuck it man. I just cut the check and it to her
[00:50:18] And then I was like talking to somebody afterwards
[00:50:21] And I was like, yeah, I told them to deal and they're like, yeah, they're like the kids there
[00:50:25] I'm like, yeah, they're like, oh, well, how many bedrooms is it?
[00:50:28] And I thought about it. I'm like, well, there's my room, the bathroom
[00:50:33] Oh, I guess this kid just doesn't exist
[00:50:36] I guess she's like, there's no room for a kid here
[00:50:41] Yeah, and I was convinced that she just had some dead son that she could, like, you know, made up in her head
[00:50:48] But the kid was real, I just after the Mexican guy experienced, I figured that would make sense
[00:50:54] No, the kid would sleep with her in her bed
[00:50:56] There was another couple living in the garage
[00:50:58] And then there was a guy that just rented the driveway and lived in a van
[00:51:03] The garage couple was like, it was his kid who was like, he was like near my age, he was like 20 or something
[00:51:09] And just like a dumb ass, over enthusiastic dude bro, you know
[00:51:17] No, this was right, I told you this story before
[00:51:19] This was like right around when Occupy was just getting started
[00:51:22] So there was Occupy LA going on and they went, the couple and the guy in the driveway because they were like
[00:51:29] It's bunch people and were like making a huge push to legalize weed across the country
[00:51:36] Like, you know, there were those people or whatever
[00:51:39] And yeah, they lived in a kid out in the garage, it was great
[00:51:42] Like, his girlfriend was like 29 and he was 20 and she had like a mixed race kid
[00:51:47] And the father was just like, enormous black dude
[00:51:50] Like, come over sometimes and they were going to hang out together
[00:51:59] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then the guy that lived in the driveway
[00:52:03] Yeah, there was a guy that lived in a van in the driveway like fucking Cody from step by step
[00:52:07] And he was this aging hippie that was like, yeah, I'm like a weed activist, dude
[00:52:13] I actually have everyone in this is why LA sucks
[00:52:15] Because literally everyone in LA won't ever say anything after hi, my name is other than
[00:52:21] Here's what I'm doing currently here in my fucking credits
[00:52:28] They're all just, you know, like they present to their resume to you immediately
[00:52:32] So this guy's like, yeah, we actually have like a TV channel going on
[00:52:35] Actually, you know, we've gone grown beyond a show, we have a whole channel now
[00:52:39] Which just meant like a website that had a couple of shitty videos
[00:52:46] But he would just bore the shit out of me, of course
[00:52:49] Of course, dude, an old hippie we died the worst
[00:52:52] And he would fucking tell me the stories about, oh yeah, we got this car
[00:52:55] And we actually converted it to the run on hemp oil
[00:52:58] You know, it's like your car doesn't also need the smoke weed
[00:53:08] And he's telling it with the same boring casual Tony always does
[00:53:11] He's like, yeah, you know, we hitchhiked all the way down through Mexico
[00:53:16] In Guatemala, and then we wound up in this mountainous region
[00:53:21] And that's actually where I learned Spanish
[00:53:23] From the locals in this mountainous region
[00:53:25] And so when I would go into the down into the town or whatever
[00:53:28] I'd speak my weird mountain Spanish and it would laugh at me
[00:53:31] And this, you know, gringo, it didn't speak regular Spanish
[00:53:34] And actually this big, you know, near civil war level conflict broke out
[00:53:39] And I remember going down to town one time
[00:53:41] And kids were kicking some guys head around the street like a soccer ball
[00:53:44] And now next week we're having like a weed benefit
[00:53:49] And I mean, this is fucking like, you know, sort of breezes past
[00:53:55] This amazing part of his life delivers with the same fucking, you know, tone and...
[00:54:00] I like to think that it was his fault, the civil war
[00:54:04] His age, he couldn't handle his fucking boring ass stories
[00:54:10] Yeah, that's the problem is because all those guys think weed is the most interesting thing in the world
[00:54:15] To them being in a fucking civil war skirmish doesn't mean shit to them
[00:54:24] I've been in the car once for like probably a couple months
[00:54:30] Florida, I was like hustling and then I lost everything
[00:54:35] And then I fucking found myself like homeless for two months
[00:54:39] And like I have family that live down there but I was too prideful to fucking ask them
[00:54:43] And I used to have like nice cars but I lost them all
[00:54:46] And I only had like my worst car which was like...
[00:54:49] It was actually a 78 Monte Carlo that in my mind
[00:54:55] They changed the body style though and they got smaller
[00:55:00] Yeah, but the 73 to 77 Monte Carlos are the fucking bad ones
[00:55:03] Yeah, those are super, I saw one actually down the block
[00:55:05] Yeah, there is, this guy is like a great one
[00:55:08] In my mind, I'm like I'm gonna hook it up
[00:55:10] But like I lost all my money before I ever hooked it up so the windows did
[00:55:14] So I'm like leaving in like a motel fucking part
[00:55:18] You know what drives this 78 Monte Carlo?
[00:55:27] What was the hustle that you were at the kit?
[00:55:31] That's how you know it's an actually awesome story
[00:55:38] You go between here and Miami you said?
[00:55:41] I'd lived down in Florida for like maybe eight to nine years
[00:55:46] And then I came up here to do comedy but uh
[00:55:49] This is a place where bad people go to like have trashy fun
[00:55:57] I had a cousin that moved down to Miami
[00:55:59] It was just a piece of shit for a while and then he moved back to Philly
[00:56:05] Before I lived in Miami I lived in Orlando
[00:56:10] And uh I had just started getting money
[00:56:28] My friends got jumped right in front of the police station in Austin by like 20 guys
[00:56:33] They formed a circle around them and sent two people in it
[00:56:39] Right in front of the police department
[00:56:43] Well it was like they suspected it was a gang initiation thing
[00:56:49] So the good thing they didn't break it up
[00:56:54] It's funny because I see my friends who still live in Austin
[00:56:58] They're constantly bitching about the APD
[00:57:04] Like there's been like a lot of fucking assault
[00:57:07] I guess I was technically I got beat up by those bikers
[00:57:48] I was I had there's you couldn't tell the next day
[00:57:49] Oh yeah beat up is like your face is swollen
[00:57:52] Which surprised me because the dude was huge
[00:57:55] I'm like I'm gonna be fucked up tomorrow
[00:57:59] Is he in the place where you're doing the set?
[00:58:04] And like cops are like what the fuck happened
[00:58:07] All right I've never met you before in my life
[00:58:17] If someone insulted the band sugar right
[00:58:35] And you're like you guys don't want to press charge
[00:58:48] Well I was mostly like it's a fucking hassle
[00:58:53] I don't want to have to go to a court appearance
[00:58:57] You know not that I have like sympathy for him
[00:58:59] But like you know if he's on parole or something
[00:59:14] To protect your empire, your comedy empire
[00:59:19] Because to me I always look at it like do whatever you're into
[00:59:24] It's like no one forced you to do some dumb shit
[00:59:27] Like if you're forced into doing some shit against your will
[00:59:31] But if you were like you know what I'm gonna fucking rob this person
[00:59:38] But what about making shit up to intentionally getting
[00:59:42] Like if I were to say the Dan 9 and raped and murdered a toddler
[01:00:08] I feel like he'd like chill for a second
[01:00:17] All my enemies for the Applebee's to go email list
[01:00:29] And you could put your name in the line
[01:00:31] And then we'd have like the initial for your first name
[01:00:47] And tell like one of the employees looks up
[01:00:52] I'm just deleting everything on this pier
[01:00:56] You know it's a good prank that I never got into
[01:01:19] Or I mean they probably switched them all over
[01:01:28] And just make a huge drive-through order
[01:01:30] Like when there was only one guy working
[01:01:43] In a Dell Talker in the middle of the night
[01:01:45] Yeah, you could go into any pizza restaurant
[01:01:50] And say do you have any f*** out pizzas
[01:01:56] Or you could just say I'm a police officer
[01:04:06] Like tribalism like the dude you were talking about
[01:04:12] Like he's the type of dude that's not down with tribalism
[01:04:15] Like he's not like dude cause you look like me
[01:04:19] And I'm trying to I'm like the same way
[01:04:21] Like I hate having to be for your cause cause we look the same
[01:04:27] You know if there's a way to make a joke out of something
[01:04:32] I'm trying to just not give a fuck to the extent of being like
[01:04:35] Well you know what my people went through
[01:04:39] Not this I'm not trying to discredit the past or whatever
[01:04:44] If someone looks like me I just break their glasses
[01:04:50] I don't like people that look like that was the worst
[01:04:55] When somebody finds somebody that looks like
[01:05:20] And then just going to a mic and seeing like
[01:05:43] Around they call you Aaron in the comments
[01:06:06] Yeah even if they spend their name wrong
[01:06:10] It's gonna be lose four or five hundred dollars
[01:06:14] But eventually it goes back up like 20 bucks
[01:06:30] Children's letters to the war on Christmas troops
[01:06:41] There was some Buzzfeed article that was like
[01:06:43] British people tried to draw a map of the United States
[01:06:52] So it did some fucking thing that was like
[01:06:54] Well African kids tried to draw a map of the United States
[01:07:11] Like a bunch of people said they'll never read the website again
[01:07:14] I'm sorry he's like no that's good dude
[01:07:16] Because you know eventually we're gonna get a new audience
[01:07:27] Until eventually they hired Jim God and Gavin McInnis
[01:07:30] And then made their name for themselves
[01:07:36] It went from like a teenage girl feelings website
[01:07:55] I feel like it's not racist if you don't kill the racist
[01:08:03] But even then that's your fucking right if you're the employer
[01:08:22] They don't got how do they know you don't like Asians
[01:08:45] You're having the Asians working for me
[01:09:00] When they shut down the bodegas the other day
[01:09:03] But I'm like well the Chinese people are still here
[01:09:12] I got a chicken soup yesterday for two dollars
[01:09:22] They go to my old favorite dumpling spot
[01:09:36] Cause they said they were making the dumplings
[01:09:44] Because they were making dumplings in the back
[01:09:55] It goes there and they let the woman who works at the place