Cum Town | Regular | 03/02/2017
[00:00:00] I'm not a fool's guy, don't even feel like drinking.
[00:00:02] I'll even get in high, cause all that's gonna do really is accelerate.
[00:00:09] Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Caroline's On Broadway.
[00:00:12] America's premiere comedy nightclub in the heart of Times Square.
[00:00:16] It's showtime and we've got a great show for you tonight.
[00:00:19] So sit back, relax and get ready to laugh.
[00:00:22] That's right folks, we've got a great show for you tonight.
[00:00:24] Now please put your hands together for the host of Come Town, Adam Breveland,
[00:01:09] If you can guess the name, stop will pay you $600.
[00:01:17] No, you're not allowed to shazam the song.
[00:01:32] Well, the song's called Pussy Specialist, which is a great name for...
[00:01:36] Official com-town endorsement for Gully Bob.
[00:01:38] We found out about him last night after recording nine podcasts in a row.
[00:01:46] He was a homeless drug addict that is now Jamaica's most famous singer-songwriter.
[00:01:53] So, at the viral, somebody recorded him in an alley.
[00:01:57] He was a homeless drug addict, and someone recorded in an alley, and then a radio station played
[00:02:05] And then immediately started releasing songs called Pussy Specialist.
[00:02:13] He's the Prime Minister of Jamaica now.
[00:02:24] They're like, let's get Gully Bob in there.
[00:02:26] Let's get the Pussy Specialist guy in there.
[00:02:28] No, I think it's whoever could do the biggest bong rip, dude.
[00:02:32] Are any of you guys adult bong rip guys?
[00:02:43] What's the thing called where you do the dab, and then the dude...
[00:02:47] It's a dab marine, actually, where you smoke a dab,
[00:02:54] Hell yeah, I think that's the chillest Mexican vibe that you can bring.
[00:03:04] It's this weird YouTube genre of people to do.
[00:03:13] You do a special type of weed, and then you drink the beer,
[00:03:23] It's like doing drugs, you know what I mean?
[00:03:27] What I like is that all those videos, it's all guys that like clearly have alimony payments.
[00:03:37] And a Bob Marley poster in their literary...
[00:03:44] This is the first time our fans have been to Times Square non-ironically.
[00:03:46] Yeah, so, well, sort of ironically, to see us, the irony podcast.
[00:03:57] This is a little generally good show that we are not surprised people listen to and come to.
[00:04:06] It's so good that it's like disappointing, you know?
[00:04:09] Because then there's too much pressure, and it's like, well, then you have to be kind of sincere, right?
[00:04:16] I'm just surprised girls are here right now.
[00:04:26] Your boyfriends are like, yeah, I gotta go to this cum thing today.
[00:04:29] You're dating stunted men emotionally, so you're all here.
[00:04:33] And you're like, not, you know, the girls that I would expect.
[00:04:47] No, I'm always disappointed when blind people don't do two eye patches.
[00:04:57] You had to- or the Jordy Leforged thing?
[00:05:04] When I was in daycare as a kid, I would steal girls' headbands and pretend to be-
[00:05:09] That's where you use the power of being a nerd to bully.
[00:05:15] She's the blind guy on Star Trek, dude.
[00:05:25] I've watched Star Trek- I've seen every single Star Trek movie.
[00:05:28] Why are we even talking about this right now?
[00:05:32] Well, I always kind of want to talk about Star Trek a little bit.
[00:05:52] They should bring the Shabanket new Star Trek where Gully Bob plays Jordy Leforged.
[00:05:56] And it's the forgetting how to reading Rainbow Guy.
[00:06:00] It's a plan it when no one pays their child support.
[00:06:09] We thought we'd be able to talk about Gully Bob for good.
[00:06:12] Yeah, the setlist today just said Gully Bob.
[00:06:18] But, you know, what are you going to do?
[00:06:24] Adam's leaving too to go see his mom who's dying.
[00:06:35] My dad tried to listen to it and he said that it was just stoner movie recollections.
[00:06:45] That's probably the nicest summation of the podcast you could offer.
[00:06:53] You know, that thinks everything's anti-Israel.
[00:06:58] I mean, he's accused waiters of being anti-Israel.
[00:07:20] So, your dad immediately was like, oh, I got this one.
[00:07:30] It's this restaurant chain Dix where, like, the theme is like,
[00:07:34] And, you know, so that you go to the table and be like,
[00:07:42] But if you go, there's a couple of them.
[00:07:43] And if you go on Yelp, there's always, like, one or two reviews from people that thought
[00:07:46] they were going to fucking Olive Garden.
[00:07:48] I think called my 12-year-old daughter a fucking horn training.
[00:07:52] They put a horn training on a hat and put it on her head.
[00:08:03] I think that's probably like a Williamsburg thing we can get started.
[00:08:09] You should just have a bar called dunce.
[00:08:11] And everyone has to face the wall and wear one of those hats.
[00:08:14] That's the theme, you know, you don't have to make conversation at all.
[00:08:18] They only sort of switchell, switchell and mead.
[00:08:25] The Apple store in Williamsburg sells mead.
[00:08:30] The dunce hats, so those look like the clan hats, right?
[00:08:33] Yeah, well, it's the same concept, really.
[00:08:45] They made you like stand up and look at the wall without the dunce cap?
[00:08:54] And the fucking, did not, I was not cool.
[00:08:56] I had back problems for no reason in particular.
[00:09:00] And I couldn't think of why, but it really, Mr. Richmond fucked that, dude, man.
[00:09:05] Wait, when you fucked up or just, what was the?
[00:09:09] But how would you fuck up that he would make you stand up for something?
[00:09:15] I made fun of my friend for spelling his name wrong once, and then, I think I told the story of the podcast.
[00:09:22] He got a 95 on a spelling test, and it was out of 10.
[00:09:25] And he got five points off for spelling his name wrong.
[00:09:28] And that's what I learned about bullying.
[00:09:30] Right then, I was like, you fucking idiot.
[00:09:34] Well, that's weird because teachers wouldn't usually do that.
[00:09:38] So I'm just name dropping all my teachers from John Ruhrrah Elementary School.
[00:09:43] Do you have any graduates of that school here?
[00:09:47] Does anyone learn how to spell their name and get the degree from, or is it John, John Ruhrrah?
[00:09:55] That should be on the test, right folks?
[00:09:59] Did anybody say your school was haunted?
[00:10:05] It's like, why would they name a school after a guy who murders children?
[00:10:14] We named the school after you have to stop killing these kids.
[00:10:18] I was thinking about Nightmare on Elm Street the other day.
[00:10:21] So Freddy is supposed to be like this ultimate villain or whatever.
[00:10:25] The story is that he was like a pedophile that people burned and then he came back and
[00:10:32] It's like, yeah, he was worse as the pedophile.
[00:10:35] He still made the right decision killing that guy.
[00:10:38] A dead teenager is pretty bad, but it's better than a molested baby.
[00:10:53] Yeah, you know, I can imagine waking up and be like, that's weird.
[00:10:56] I fucked a Bernie guy with scissor hands.
[00:10:59] You know, a weird smelly kid sweater on.
[00:11:05] That must be revenge for something my parents did.
[00:11:07] You don't think if you got raped every night for your whole adolescence, that would fuck you up in your dreams?
[00:11:23] That's all I have really is pointing out the inconsistencies in movies.
[00:11:27] For like four years, I was going around...
[00:11:30] I'd quit comedy now because I made enough money to not have to do it anymore.
[00:11:34] But for like years, I was going around doing a bit about that movie homeward bound, right?
[00:11:40] And I just drunkenly, completely forgot the plot.
[00:11:43] I was doing this bit like, yeah, so the plot is what you...
[00:11:50] Have you ever forgotten all three of your pets?
[00:11:53] You wouldn't, especially ones that talk and then people would be like, you know, they wouldn't laugh at it.
[00:11:57] And then it took literally four years for someone to be like, yeah, that's not how this is what happens.
[00:12:06] And I continued doing that bit for another six years.
[00:12:08] Wait, those are some dumbass dogs, then, dude.
[00:12:12] But then, wouldn't they understand that it's vacation time?
[00:12:18] They're smart, they're just ignorant to the process of going to vacation.
[00:12:22] You think the dogs just fucking kick back?
[00:12:28] Just go fucking Buck Wild in the house?
[00:12:37] Adam got like a pit bull, and it's a very sweet dog, but it has to wear a muzzle everywhere.
[00:12:43] It's weird that she still has that in her.
[00:12:47] I gotta say, older African American women do not like seeing my dog with the muzzle walking down the street.
[00:12:54] So much so that I get yelled at all the time for having that dog.
[00:12:59] Yeah, but black people in general don't respect you.
[00:13:12] One time, one time we were in a bowdenga, and some lady just comes up to me and called Adam a bitch ass and word.
[00:13:22] And then she kissed me on the cheek and left.
[00:13:31] It was actually really funny because right before Saw walked in, she tried to give this guy a hug in the bowdenga, and he's like, if you pay me $20.
[00:13:44] I feel like it should be more of a crime to sell emotions than it should be sex.
[00:13:54] Is that with the girlfriend experiences?
[00:13:59] I feel like prostitution should be fine.
[00:14:02] Walmart Greeter, you should be thrown in prison.
[00:14:04] I think your job is to smile at people now.
[00:14:21] Like with the cards, not with your mother's life.
[00:14:28] In a gamble, we're going to go to a restaurant, maybe, for her birthday.
[00:14:42] And he's like, oh, it's that family again before.
[00:14:46] Sorry about all that anti-Semitism stuff.
[00:14:58] Hey, you know, comedy is the best fantasy.
[00:15:02] Because they certainly don't have a cure for that shit.
[00:15:11] I read the New England Journal of Medicine.
[00:15:14] There's an article recently about Parkinson's.
[00:15:25] Did Patch Adam save any of those children?
[00:15:28] I haven't seen that movie, but I haven't seen that.
[00:15:30] The plot is that he's just like really shitty in medicine.
[00:15:32] But he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, clown.
[00:15:36] He made them giggle their way to their deaths.
[00:15:43] And he had like a hundred percent failure rate because he was just eating mandates.
[00:15:51] And his girlfriend died because he like befriended a crazy guy.
[00:16:05] These four guys are going to be excited as hell.
[00:16:07] You're just always weird that Coppola did Jack.
[00:16:12] I don't know anything funny to say about that at all.
[00:16:18] And then he was like, let's do a thing where a man child farts inside of a coffee can.
[00:16:24] All right, we got to start the show because our first comic has to get out of here right after
[00:16:43] Seriously though, our first comic, thank you so much for coming guys.
[00:16:50] I've been nude in a room with this man so many times.
[00:16:55] Please, a big round of applause for Matteo Lane everybody.
[00:17:32] And first of all, he, I think that he wanted.
[00:17:39] I mean, that's the woman who played her.
[00:17:43] I saw Babe first when their mouths like moved.
[00:17:45] And then when I, then I saw him rebound and you know,
[00:17:50] So for like 15 minutes, my stupid like seven year old self's like,
[00:18:03] There was like that scene where like she felt over that waterfall.
[00:18:05] And literally it was the equivalent of shadow just like looking over
[00:18:12] You know, what a fucking old piece of shit.
[00:18:14] I hated, I hated shadow's relationship with Peter.
[00:18:19] It was like Peter was like, oh, I was like drawing shadow at a school
[00:18:24] Why don't they have a occasion to put a dumb movie?
[00:18:52] Just get up and get out because you're not a good person now.
[00:18:56] I used to think like as comedians were never schooled, like everyone was like, don't make
[00:19:00] Like especially like Baron Trump, that's the thing.
[00:19:01] Now it's like, don't make fun of Baron Trump because he's a kid.
[00:19:06] But also like, if I can think of one time in my life that people were the meanest to
[00:19:10] So my name is Mateo Lane and my biggest fear is that everyone's going to call me like,
[00:19:27] I hated sex that that was the worst class ever because I had, okay.
[00:19:37] But he was, I was like, the sex that was horrible.
[00:19:41] So everyone in my class was just a piece of shit.
[00:19:44] I'm not saying it's homophobic but he would have these like giant posters of like the
[00:19:49] And then he would point to only the male butthole and literally scream at six
[00:19:52] graders and go, this is an exit sign only.
[00:19:59] This has nothing to do with reproductive.
[00:20:05] I should have stood up and been like, then I fail.
[00:20:14] We do is, okay, so like in the class Mr. Full had, I can't even say it's real
[00:20:21] So I've been saying it for the past couple of weeks.
[00:20:25] But he, okay, so we had like an anonymous question box because there was no
[00:20:29] Just, just 101 free minutes of AOL.com.
[00:20:32] So what he would do is have this question box and get a question for him.
[00:20:37] You know, he wouldn't answer the question.
[00:20:39] And of course like we just filled it up with like thousands of questions that were
[00:20:43] wildly inappropriate that were all about Mr. Full and his wife.
[00:20:46] It was all like, Mr. Full, do you, we don't know anything about sex.
[00:20:49] It was like, Mr. Full, do you touch your wife's tit?
[00:20:54] And the box for some reason had the little mermaid on it.
[00:20:57] I don't know why, but that's a memory of mine which is kind of, all of, oh,
[00:21:01] another rumor about Mr. Full is that he didn't have any semen because he drank
[00:21:10] Do you remember that stupid rumor and what was like yellow five or something
[00:21:14] So stupid that he didn't have any semen.
[00:21:16] Well I love two of them like six great boys were all like, I can't drink Mountain Dew.
[00:21:26] So anyway, so Mr. Full, it was really this anonymous question box.
[00:21:30] And so we filled it up literally with hundreds of questions that were all
[00:21:34] And just, he should have known because there's only 26 kids in the class
[00:21:37] and there's 110 questions and we're all in the back of the class like,
[00:21:42] He would go up and literally read the questions like this.
[00:21:45] He'd be like, all right, let's see the question box.
[00:21:49] Mr. Wool, have you and your wife, I'm not answering that.
[00:21:53] Mr. Wool, have you ever, I'm not answering that.
[00:21:58] So the one question he decided to answer, which, it blows my mind to this day that
[00:22:06] Is he just, I'm, all right, I'm just going to say what it was.
[00:22:09] He goes, he takes the question, he goes, I believe that's a fair question.
[00:22:15] This person wants to know what snowballing is.
[00:22:19] So night of honesty, if you don't know what snowballing is, clap.
[00:22:30] All right, wow, there's a lot of gross people in here.
[00:22:34] Six graders, keep in mind, six graders, you tell me if you think this is appropriate.
[00:22:38] Snowballing is what a man ejaculates into a woman's mouth, and she spits it back in his mouth.
[00:22:57] And of course, I'm an impressionable sixth grader, so I'm just walking around thinking
[00:23:01] that my parents have tasted all spin, coming to each other's mouths.
[00:23:04] Except for Mr. Full, he drinks Mountain Dew.
[00:23:16] It's like, I think that's such a hacky thing for comics to talk about, but like with gays,
[00:23:21] it's even worse because like all we have is like grinder, which is a gay dating app.
[00:23:25] It's like a step above tapping underneath a bathroom stall.
[00:23:32] I really, really, the thing is, is like I feel like I'm just like, I feel like I'm a person
[00:23:37] who should be in, I'm too crazy when I date.
[00:23:43] Like I'm an intense human being when I date, and I've, no one's raising their hand, you're all just mild.
[00:23:51] The thing is like, I think it's like, it's an ethnic thing.
[00:23:56] It should not be dating with people who aren't like, okay, I am like, I should, like it's like an iguana.
[00:24:03] Instead, I'm in a fucking tank in some kid's room in Montana where there's snow everywhere.
[00:24:08] So I was, I was, so I dating an American suck, so I went to Italy.
[00:24:12] I have a lot of family in Italy, and I was in Rome and I was on Tinder just swiping note to everybody.
[00:24:17] And I found this one guy, Francesco, so we matched, and oh by the way, in Italy, the men that look so gay
[00:24:27] I look like I'm crushing pussy in Italy.
[00:24:30] And the word for gay and Italian is just gay with an Italian accent.
[00:24:37] If you're Italian, you know this, okay, so.
[00:24:41] I matched with Francesco, and he was in out of the closet, so the whole date kind of felt like a drug deal
[00:24:47] because he was like, me, me at this place, at this time.
[00:24:50] Okay, so I went to this place and I saw him, he was literally standing in a shadow.
[00:24:55] And I was just like, Francesco, he's like, come on!
[00:24:59] You know, so like, we ran, and one hour of the date was one hour full opera.
[00:25:04] Like every emotion you could feel, I felt it in one hour with this guy.
[00:25:07] Immediately we started arguing with each other because he's not out of the closet.
[00:25:10] So I'm just screaming, I'm like, but I'm like, okay, I'm going to go to the toilet, I'm going to do se gay!
[00:25:15] And he's just like, no, get me a Skidaw!
[00:25:18] And then we immediately started making out, and while we were making out, like he'd never done this before,
[00:25:25] so he started yelling at him, like he broke, like he like, started screaming at himself, he like, pushed me away,
[00:25:30] and he was like, but, Jess, go walk you away!
[00:25:37] My dating in America is so much different, where it's just like, oh, so you have a brother, that's interesting.
[00:25:43] I need to go, but I have to say you guys have been a wonderful audience, and given up for Stavros, and come down,
[00:25:53] but I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I have to go so early, I'm such a piece of shit, I have to go perform for other drugs.
[00:26:14] How many feels out of sweatshirt, nice, huh?
[00:26:22] Seriously, the show's our favorites, this next comic, good friend of mine, super funny, it's been on Comedy Central,
[00:26:27] big round of applause for Shera Tollemash everybody, better hear it!
[00:26:34] Hi guys, very cool, it's cool, I feel 11 here, that's good.
[00:26:44] I did my taxes today, have you guys done that yet?
[00:26:48] That's cool, oh cool, you're on it, that's good, I did it, I hate doing them.
[00:26:54] I feel like the hardest part about doing your taxes is getting all that paperwork together and then organizing it
[00:27:01] so you can just put it in the envelope and mail it to your dad so he can do it for you.
[00:27:07] I was like, ugh, who has the time for that?
[00:27:11] I'm just thinking about just going to H&R block and then see if they'll mail it to my dad for me.
[00:27:18] You guys are closer than the post office, I've been hanging out with my dad a lot lately, he's getting old,
[00:27:26] actually he is old, he's not getting old, he's right there.
[00:27:30] You can tell though, because he's getting forgetful, I went shopping with him and he actually left my sister and I in the car.
[00:27:40] We were fine though, because we were in our 30s.
[00:27:44] I was like dad, if we were babies we would have died, you know.
[00:27:48] So we just watched YouTube videos and rolled down the window.
[00:27:52] Babies can't do that, because they're stupid.
[00:27:57] Stupid babies, yeah, he also can't hear well, which is annoying because a lot of times when I'm hanging out with him,
[00:28:06] I'm just yelling and repeating small talk, which is frustrating, it's so stupid.
[00:28:13] I was with him the other day and I just said, oh, it looks like they cut the shrubs out here pretty short.
[00:28:24] I was like, you want me to repeat that?
[00:28:27] I didn't even want to say it in the first place.
[00:28:31] Everybody thinks I'm so passionate about these shrubs outside.
[00:28:41] So annoying. I watched that documentary on Netflix, minimalists, I guess.
[00:28:46] Is that what it's called? I think that's what it's called.
[00:28:53] Oh, but you're all by yourself though. That's pretty minimal.
[00:29:01] You're doing it, you don't realize you're doing it.
[00:29:06] No, I did it. It's cool. It's where you throw away a lot of stuff that you don't need, so I did it this weekend.
[00:29:13] After a while, I was like, what else do my boyfriend stuff can I throw out?
[00:29:19] You're just like, what you're supposed to do is you just pick up one of his objects,
[00:29:23] and then you ask yourself, does this bring me joy?
[00:29:34] It's cool making progress. We're down to three iPhone chargers. It's good.
[00:29:40] I did Uber Pool recently. Have you guys done that?
[00:29:47] I did it by accident though. Like I didn't realize I pressed the pool part on the app,
[00:29:53] so the driver came and picked me up, and then he went to go pick up another person,
[00:30:04] I was just in the backseat like, um, never mind.
[00:30:10] I don't want to be a bother during my murder.
[00:30:14] I was like, what was the other option? Fight for my life and then be wrong?
[00:30:21] I'm really sorry for scratching your eyes out.
[00:30:29] I just got my cable and my IUD installed.
[00:30:37] Time Warner's doing some really great things he says.
[00:30:42] So I have like 100 channels and zero babies.
[00:30:49] I actually did get an IUD. I did no research getting it.
[00:30:53] Like I just walked into Planned Parenthood and I was like, what are all the girls getting?
[00:30:58] I was like, that sounds great. Let's put that in my vagina for seven years.
[00:31:03] I don't even know what it looks like. It could be a Lego piece in there falling out.
[00:31:08] Just like a little Lego man hanging around.
[00:31:19] I think I did more research buying a cell phone than I did getting an IUD.
[00:31:24] Those only last two years and you don't stick those in your pussy.
[00:31:32] I was so bad. Yeah, I got the seven year.
[00:31:34] I asked for the 20 year and they're like, we don't even make that.
[00:31:45] I have no way. I don't know how it works.
[00:31:49] Does it stop working on the night of the seventh year?
[00:31:53] What does it do? Text you when it's done?
[00:32:01] And then I guess when the seven years is up, they like take it out and then I open it up
[00:32:06] and look at all the stuff that I put inside of it.
[00:32:10] I'm like, oh, look at all these memories.
[00:32:25] If you guys don't know what that is, it's where female comics go for materials sometimes.
[00:32:32] A lot of times when you go there, they ask you questions about your sexual health
[00:32:35] and one of the questions they ask me was, how often do I give myself a breast exam
[00:32:40] and I don't really just get that small breast, you know, like I'd see it.
[00:32:45] I'm going to be like, oh, shit, I have cancer.
[00:32:49] If these are heavy, I should get a bra.
[00:32:54] I'm never like, oh, no, there's more breast back there that I forgot about.
[00:32:58] But I didn't want them to know that I was that careless, so I thought the appropriate response was every day.
[00:33:11] Like, you floss and then check your breasts every day.
[00:33:15] I was like, what girl doesn't touch your breasts at least once today, right, ladies?
[00:33:26] Every now and then, like, right there you touch them.
[00:33:29] No, like sometimes they get itchy, especially when we're coming into some money, you know?
[00:33:37] Um, no, but they're like these like, ridiculous looking flesh mounds on her chest.
[00:33:43] And then, they're like, oh, my gosh, we're going to touch them.
[00:33:47] They're kind of like our balls in a way, I guess.
[00:33:49] Like, guys touch their balls all the time.
[00:33:52] They're like our one ridiculous item on our body, I guess.
[00:33:55] Guys are just fortunate because they can just keep their balls in their pants.
[00:33:59] Like, sometimes I feel like that's why guys don't take women seriously
[00:34:06] Like, if guys want balls on their chest, we would be like, that's a really dumb idea to have.
[00:34:12] You need to go back to your cubicle and rethink what you set out here.
[00:34:30] So you see people crying public a lot, right?
[00:34:36] You've seen somebody crying public before?
[00:34:48] That's all I do up here is just tell you lots of personal stuff.
[00:34:52] No, it's like when the weather gets nice, we just go outside and cry here.
[00:35:00] I've only seen women cry, like, I've never seen guys crying public,
[00:35:03] but I have seen guys masturbating public before,
[00:35:12] Same outcome, you're just tired and you feel good afterwards.
[00:35:17] It's because we don't have cars to cry in or masturbate in.
[00:35:23] I saw a girl crying on the train the other day,
[00:35:28] Like, I wanted to go up to her and, like,
[00:35:33] Like, I feel like you learn that as you get older.
[00:35:36] Like, I'm crying right now. Can you guys tell?
[00:35:41] Me, like, because I'm in debt. I'm a little bit of debt.
[00:35:45] Not a lot, just like enough where I think about it all day long.
[00:35:51] Once I had my ticket out of debt, and then I was like, now what?
[00:35:56] You know, like, now I have nothing to live for anymore.
[00:36:00] So I just put myself back into debt again.
[00:36:06] Like, if you pay your debt off, that's great,
[00:36:08] but if you don't and then die, like, that's pretty great, too.
[00:36:18] It's where you just, like, buy whatever you want,
[00:36:25] That's the most important part of this plan.
[00:36:27] All right, guys. You've been real great.
[00:36:47] We're going to keep this thing rolling.
[00:36:49] Our next guest tonight is the host of the Legion of Skanks Podcast
[00:36:59] He is a realist dude, and he is also a...
[00:37:04] is someone that was such a fan of our invention, the nickname,
[00:37:12] and he has adopted it as his own moniker.
[00:37:18] Everyone, please put your hands together for Louis J. Gomez.
[00:37:31] Oh, there we go. Give it up for that Jewish kid.
[00:37:46] All right, so I'll tell you guys a little bit about me.
[00:37:49] I got a little boy at home, he's four years old.
[00:37:52] He wants to up cry in a Phantom of Central Park.
[00:38:00] Yeah, I'm a pedophile. That's my thing.
[00:38:02] I don't know if you guys know anything about my ads,
[00:38:04] but I'm the only openly pedophile comedian.
[00:38:12] It's like everything that we do is talking about fucking hot kids.
[00:38:18] Boys and girls. I'm discriminating, really.
[00:38:37] They should take him away after that joke.
[00:38:40] I'm a dad. I am. I got a four-year-old son.
[00:38:42] Are there any parents in this crowd now?
[00:38:44] Oh, yeah, people. One dude in the back.
[00:38:50] God, dude, it's hard. It really is hard.
[00:38:55] Just the guys. What's more important on a woman,
[00:39:02] They're like, put a fucking bag over her head, bro.
[00:39:12] I say face and I'll tell you why, because you've got to think about this.
[00:39:14] If you're the woman, you might have a baby with her one day.
[00:39:16] But this woman, you want to make sure your baby has a cute face.
[00:39:21] Nobody's like, my baby's got a whatever face, but his body is fucking sick.
[00:39:33] He takes it, share it off. He's got pecs, abs.
[00:39:44] My son is really cute, keeping with the pedophile theme.
[00:39:49] My son's so cute it's uncomfortable when people bring their average looking babies around us.
[00:39:52] Because you've got to pretend that they're all the same cuteness, you know?
[00:39:55] I want to be honest, I want to be like, you'll get your gross fucking baby away from mine.
[00:40:02] My son's so cute that if he did get molested, I would be really upset.
[00:40:07] But I'd still have to be like, okay, that pedophile had great taste in babies.
[00:40:11] Undeniable how good his taste in babies was.
[00:40:14] He should go to prison, but he should also have to choose the Gerber baby from his cell every year.
[00:40:19] Because that would be a waste of talent if he did not do that.
[00:40:25] Guys, you listen to a podcast named Calm Down, Loosen the fuck up, okay?
[00:40:34] Yeah man, it is, it is hard. It is hard having kids.
[00:40:37] The hardest thing I've had to deal with so far is watching my son get bullied.
[00:40:41] My son is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet.
[00:40:45] We're at the park the other day playing with his favorite ball.
[00:40:47] This little girl comes up to him, she pushed him, she took his ball, he started crying.
[00:40:50] And I went to town and I was like, James, you're four years old, you can do it with anything.
[00:40:53] Punch her right in the fucking stomach and take your ball back.
[00:40:56] You got a small window where you're allowed to hit a girl, I say take advantage of it.
[00:41:00] Because they're going to cut you off eventually, right Miss?
[00:41:02] What do you think the age is that they cut you off from hitting girls?
[00:41:09] Six is the last year you'll land to hit a girl.
[00:41:11] You see a seven year old hitting a girl, he's going to be a tick for the rest of his life.
[00:41:15] He's going to join the La Crosse team in high school.
[00:41:18] He's going to spend a weekend at Coachella.
[00:41:21] He's going to get a job in finance, that kid fucking sucks.
[00:41:24] Nobody wants that little wolf at Wall Street, right?
[00:41:28] Bullied, I started watching the UFC with him.
[00:41:30] People think I'm crazy because he's four and I'm watching Cage fighting with him.
[00:41:34] But I'm like fuck that, my son's not getting bullied by girls anymore, you know?
[00:41:37] I was watching the fights with him a few weeks ago, he was on my lap.
[00:41:40] His mom took a video of us watching the fight, she posted it to her Facebook.
[00:41:42] One of her friends posted a comment underneath the video, she's like oh my god, I can't believe you let your son watch that violent sport.
[00:41:48] I was like let him, he's four years old, I fucking make him, are you crazy?
[00:41:57] I hold his head right up to the fucking TV set.
[00:42:00] I hold his eyeballs up on the clockwork orange.
[00:42:04] Burning violent images into his brain, creating a warrior.
[00:42:08] Give me two more years, I'm going to go for her house and have my son beat the shit out of her husband in front of her kids just to cover her mind.
[00:42:14] It's going to ground up on her husband on her front lawn while I video tape a yell world star.
[00:42:23] It's my fucking favorite sport man, it's the only sport in the world that's changed the way that men walk around.
[00:42:30] Because now you don't know who knows MMA, there's an MMA gym in every city in this country.
[00:42:34] So you can't judge a book by it's cover reel, look at the shitty ears, you're looking to see your ears bro, what's going on with that?
[00:42:39] The college library right here, you know?
[00:42:41] Like sorry, you look pretty physically weak, but I don't know you.
[00:42:45] I see you, I'm like okay, there's Waldo, he's not going to do shit.
[00:42:49] You know, I can't judge you, you might be like a jiu-jitsu guy, I don't know.
[00:42:56] Alright, I'm wrong that you're tougher, wrong that you're, that you know, I know, I'm just kidding, I know you're going to be joking.
[00:43:04] It's a fucking comedy club, you're not going to tell.
[00:43:07] But you know what you got to do, you should try to like change your style, at least disguise yourself a little bit.
[00:43:14] Get one of those tap out T-shirts, put some flames on it.
[00:43:17] You're like alright I'm not going to fuck with that guy, he sure says tap out right on it, right?
[00:43:21] Getting a flitchin' shirt with a dragon across the shoulder, you're like this guy either knows MMA or he loves Game of Thrones, either way he's a badass.
[00:43:29] I take it a step further, you know what I do?
[00:43:31] I work karate uniform, I carry a trophy, that's how I walk the streets.
[00:43:37] Yeah second place is the other leg alright, that has to be a real trophy, why would you even fake second place trophy?
[00:43:45] Maybe I'm too high for this crowd, I don't know.
[00:43:55] They don't work me at this club, they can't ban me from a club they don't work me at, but I...
[00:44:00] Just take my dick out of smack the scroll on the face with him, like right away.
[00:44:07] They're arresting me, fucking teasing me.
[00:44:10] You cannot sexually assault people in a club you don't work at, just because you don't work at that club.
[00:44:18] It's hard man, my son not me, my son's mother, we broke up so we're co-parenting, they call it co-parenting.
[00:44:23] And that's fine, you know we're both dating other people which is always, you know, it's always tough.
[00:44:27] I think I'm dealing with the worst end of the deal though, she started dating a black guy right after me and that's really bothering me.
[00:44:37] Because it's not, I don't tell you why, because it has nothing to do with the color of a skin, okay?
[00:44:41] It's all on security, it's this big black cock, I can't get it out of my head.
[00:44:47] I'm probably killing her inside too, to be honest.
[00:44:50] I'm going to break it down from a scientific standpoint, right?
[00:44:54] Is that though I take a small, it's just that my dick is nothing to write home about, you know?
[00:44:58] I was already home about their dick, so probably.
[00:45:22] My dick's the making it, making it, making it, making it a Mac!
[00:45:26] My dick is not huge, ladies, I know you were wondering, and this dude, uh...
[00:45:37] I remember the first time I saw a huge dick, it was the first time that I saw a porno.
[00:45:40] Well, the first time I saw a porno, I was in the fifth grade, so that big porn cock, I got excited.
[00:45:45] I was like, fuck yeah, I'm going to have that one day!
[00:45:51] Fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, it wasn't until like the eleventh grade that I realized that it wasn't going to have a huge cock.
[00:45:56] I was like, fuck, I got to develop a personality stat.
[00:46:00] I would be in a fucking asshole that everybody for the past ten years of my life thinking I'm going to grow a huge dick.
[00:46:05] You will burn a lot of bridges when you think you're going to grow a huge cock, right?
[00:46:08] That's why trust fund kids act that way.
[00:46:11] You don't need friends if you got a huge cock.
[00:46:13] You know that saying man's best friend, this is dog.
[00:46:16] The first guy who said that had a small cock.
[00:46:18] You got a big cock, that's your best friend.
[00:46:25] Come on boy, let's go pick up some bitches.
[00:46:32] Some of these jokes you're not going to laugh at, that's okay.
[00:46:43] Let's get into the issues guys, because this is a 98.9% white crowd.
[00:46:51] That's why you should start mentioning like racial shit, you guys got all fucking tight.
[00:46:57] I talked about his big black cock, he was like, ahhh, fucking true.
[00:47:00] I know I'm a big black guy, it's great.
[00:47:03] All the white people were nervous, they were like, I was going to happen, this guy is big black cock
[00:47:08] and he's not going to start attacking everybody, what's happening.
[00:47:16] If we're not laughing about racial issues, we're fucking part of the problem, right?
[00:47:20] So that's a common, we'll say the N word, ready one?
[00:47:34] Clap your hands if sometimes you're even a little bit racist.
[00:47:38] There we go, finally some honesty out of this crowd.
[00:47:42] Okay, listen to me, all white people are a little bit racist, sometimes all black people are a little bit racist, sometimes.
[00:47:46] I know this because I'm Puerto Rican and all white people and all black people are both very comfortable being racist against each other in front of Latinos.
[00:47:56] Because you both think, we're on your side, you know?
[00:48:00] Latinos hate both of you motherfuckers.
[00:48:02] I hate white people and I hate black people.
[00:48:06] Because when the race war hits, we either just wait to see who's winning and then choose that side.
[00:48:12] They're like, ah, white power, I was with these guys all the time, alright.
[00:48:16] And obviously I'm just kidding, white people are not going to win the race war.
[00:48:22] If you guys see the Olympics, you're fucked.
[00:48:24] You guys can't win a race much less of the race war.
[00:48:34] I think racism is kind of funny man, I don't know man.
[00:48:45] It's a 70-year-old billionaire, of course he is.
[00:48:48] Have you met any 70-year-old from any social class that's not a little bit racist?
[00:48:53] You don't think that Trump isn't fucking racist?
[00:48:55] I just commend him for not saying the N word any time the camera's on him.
[00:49:00] You didn't fucking let one spill out this time. Good for you buddy.
[00:49:03] Oh people, do you guys give that more room to be racist than younger people?
[00:49:10] You do, right? So fucking ease off a Trump.
[00:49:17] He's out there, he's hiring black people, he's fucking shaking hands with Muslims.
[00:49:23] That's way more progressive than your fucking piece of shit grandma, okay?
[00:49:27] You grandma would not touch a Muslim, I promise you, okay?
[00:49:33] Like my grandma was the sweetest woman on earth, it wouldn't harm a father, but she said some racist shit.
[00:49:37] I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is right outside of the city.
[00:49:40] I don't know if you guys know where that's at, but there's a lot of rockland, back me up on this.
[00:49:43] There's a little stretch along, Route 59, that goes for Spring Valley to Muncie.
[00:49:47] Now, in Spring Valley it's all Haitians, in Muncie it's all Hasetic Jews, okay?
[00:49:51] So my grandma, I remember when I was learning how to drive, she would chime in with these little racist tips, okay?
[00:49:56] And that's when everyone's racism comes out, when the windows are rolled up, road rage kicks in.
[00:50:01] Yeah, we're all little racists behind the wheel of a car, okay?
[00:50:04] And my grandma, she was just trying to protect me, okay? It was old school, okay?
[00:50:07] So I remember she was like, when you drive with her Spring Valley, you gotta be careful, because these Haitians,
[00:50:11] they're gonna try to steal your car, okay?
[00:50:14] Lock your doors, roll up your windows, don't even stop at red lights, just move them straight through.
[00:50:18] Take the ticket, it's not worth your life.
[00:50:22] And you know why she said this, because they have pirate blood, she does it all.
[00:50:27] Haitian people move to the United States on pirate ships.
[00:50:33] But then she said you gotta be even more careful, once you go down Route 59, once you get into Muncie, the Hasetic Jews, it's a quote,
[00:50:39] while they look safer than the Haitians, they're not.
[00:50:43] Because the Hasetic Jews will do as a way to your driving by, then they'll push their baby strollers in front of your car,
[00:50:53] so you hit their babies, so they can sue you.
[00:50:58] Yeah, that's a real lesson that my grandmother told me when I was 16 years old, that he should be able to fire a blood,
[00:51:05] and that Jews are willing to sacrifice their babies for a lawsuit.
[00:51:09] It's fucked up, I know it's fucked up, okay? But you want to know the most fucked up part about that story?
[00:51:14] It wasn't actually my grandmother, it was my mom.
[00:51:18] But when I told the joke, it was my mom, people were like, what the fuck, your mom can't say shit like that.
[00:51:23] And you always even more fucked up about that? It wasn't actually my mom, it's me, I'm telling you right now.
[00:51:29] You gotta rock in the county, these fucking Jews and Haitians, they're everywhere guys, so be careful is what I'm saying.
[00:51:39] Good morning, original Puerto Rican last night.
[00:51:43] Good morning, the two Puerto Rican rats.
[00:51:48] I like when people get to find out who actually elected Trump.
[00:51:53] You have this mental image in your head of some all-right guys, like, no, it's a trucker hat, Puerto Rican,
[00:51:59] and of course he says, child of cage flight.
[00:52:02] That's very, and you know what, that really doesn't, that's pretty mild racism for a grandma.
[00:52:08] You know, I have a white grandfather who excels at racism, and the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life is,
[00:52:16] one time referred to black people as the Negroes contingency.
[00:52:22] I don't know what either of those words mean.
[00:52:26] They didn't teach, that was science, they were teaching in 1820.
[00:52:31] I learned that, I guess, Lewis, the MMA guy, no one in here voted for Trump, right?
[00:52:41] It's fucked up, I don't even know how to talk about it.
[00:52:44] It's like all these comedians are like, well this is going to be great for comedy, it's like, first of all, it's pretty fucking selfish.
[00:52:50] And you know, racism by itself was already good for comedy.
[00:52:54] We didn't need a president as well, do it.
[00:52:57] So I don't really know, the only break I get now is to just give myself context, and what I find really funny is to think back to like,
[00:53:08] just about this time last year, almost exactly, it was like early March last year, and remember how mad people were about that stupid gorilla that died.
[00:53:20] Remember that, how fucking upset people were about that gorilla, Harambe that died, and people were like, I did gorilla, 2016 is over, it's not going to get any worse than this.
[00:53:32] It's like yeah, just wait five minutes, two pieces of shit.
[00:53:36] How much would you give to have that gorilla back now to be able to personally shoot it in the face, if it meant the rest of the year just disappeared immediately?
[00:53:47] I would do it, I would kill that, I would do it with a fucking toothpick, I would do it slowly and painfully.
[00:53:53] Full disclosure too, I was also 100% on board, was shooting that gorilla when it happened.
[00:53:59] It wasn't in retrospect, I was like yeah, kill the gorilla of course, especially when I found out a little boy fell in his cage.
[00:54:07] That sealed the deal for me, you already sold me with gorilla, I think, I thought basically any gorillas, chimp ansees for sure, orangutans, baboons get a pass,
[00:54:24] especially the ones that got, you know the baboons that have like face paint built in.
[00:54:30] I would have fucked that happen, figured out how to grow face paint, those are cool.
[00:54:37] Any monkey with a tail is fine, I just don't like the ones that look that much like people, you know, like gorillas and chimps and orangutans,
[00:54:46] because I feel like if you look that much like a human being, you shouldn't get to be nude all the time.
[00:54:53] You know, they should put fucking clothes on them, the hat at least, or maybe some suspenders, you don't understand why, because you know, it's not even the genitals thing,
[00:55:04] which we actually have much bigger dicks than that, which is probably why they're so dumb.
[00:55:09] Gorilla has a pretty embarrassing dick, it's said they have much nicer bodies than us, and they're also smart enough to know, you know, that they should be, some gorilla is no sign language.
[00:55:21] I will never learn sign language in my entire life, that makes the gorilla smarter than me.
[00:55:27] So, you know, and if you can sign, I love you, while I can see your dick, that's a sexual assault, that's a crime, you know, and you should shoot the gorilla on that ground alone, because it would cause enough to fucking ice that gorilla immediately.
[00:55:46] I just thought, first of all, I was stoked when that story happened to find out that they keep guns if the zoo in case shit gets real.
[00:55:54] That the fucking zoo was secretly very exciting, and that just bullshit about learning.
[00:56:00] You remember when they would trick you into learning something as a kid, like you'd watch an edutainment show, you're like, yeah, Arthur's pretty cool, and they're like, actually, this is how science works, you're like, fuck off!
[00:56:12] Shit! Do I want to learn anything? That's what the zoo was.
[00:56:18] Then people really thought that there would be, like, one of the zookeepers would be, you know, fucking loading the gun with a tear going down his face, and then there would be another guy at the zoo that's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, let's see how this plays out.
[00:56:34] Whoops, whoopsie-daisy, fuck, yeah, that boy's dead, I'm sorry, that's on me, I didn't even work here, I was looking for the bathroom, and you should lock that door.
[00:56:44] Basically anyone with cargo shorts can just walk wherever they want, in the fucking zoo, that's the outfit.
[00:56:50] I feel like the guy in the shot, it must have been an Australian guy, right?
[00:56:54] They're experts, you can become a national treasure in Australia if you put on boys shorts and harass animals, that's their chief export.
[00:57:08] I don't know, the other fun story last year was the, you guys see the big Hitler story last year?
[00:57:15] You get one, there's some how, there's guys out there that are like, well, it looks like everybody's done all the other history, I guess I'm just going to be a Hitler guy.
[00:57:26] For like 10 years there, you could get on the best seller list by just writing a new exposé about Hitler, you know?
[00:57:33] Like 10 years ago it was like Hitler was actually gay, because people still thought that was bad then, so you could do that, that was fine.
[00:57:41] And then you became like, yeah, I found a letter from a teacher that said he said he was actually an idiot or whatever.
[00:57:48] But the big story, the big Hitler story last year was that Hitler had a micro penis, which by the way, does not mean that it was hooked up to computers, as I initially thought.
[00:57:59] It's something different, I thought it was a tech thing.
[00:58:03] I was like, oh no wonder we gave all their scientists jobs immediately after the war.
[00:58:08] It was genius, I have to bring my phone into the bathroom and play Candy Crush while I shit, he's got it on his phone, never his tech.
[00:58:15] So micro penis, I had to look it up, which is pretty funny.
[00:58:22] And micro penis means very small penis, right?
[00:58:26] Which is sort of a weird story to publish that about Hitler, right?
[00:58:30] Because I don't know why you, what's the goal there, right?
[00:58:34] I've heard Hitler's feelings, but Hitler's been dead, everyone knows, he died in Argentina in 1972.
[00:58:40] So I'm not going to hurt Hitler's feelings now, right?
[00:58:44] The tone of that article is, forget everything you thought you knew about Big Dick Hitler.
[00:58:50] Yeah, I bet you don't respect that guy anymore.
[00:58:53] I thought he was cool, you know, the Holocaust, pretty bad, big dick.
[00:59:01] No, all you're doing with that story is singling out the most insecure group of men in the entire world, the micro penis guys.
[00:59:09] And you're like, guys, we've got breaking news, I'm like, is that a cure?
[00:59:24] You could borrow a shirt to wear it into the pool if you want.
[00:59:27] I'll make sure today, because that's the one, you can't be a micro penis guy, right?
[00:59:34] That's all the progress that people have made with, like, body positivity.
[00:59:38] That's still the one you just, you just can't fuck.
[00:59:42] Like, if you had, like, a body positivity party, right?
[00:59:46] Where you get, like, the whole crew together, right?
[00:59:48] And then the music's bumping, the fucking lights are going, right?
[00:59:52] And they're like, we're gonna go around the room, and everybody do their thing, right?
[00:59:55] And so, somebody that's like, fat guy, and everyone's like, yeah!
[00:59:59] You know, and then somebody that's like, I'm crippled, and they're like, yeah, he's the best dancer.
[01:00:06] Everybody, we're all gonna learn dances from him, you know?
[01:00:09] And I was like, oh, duh, and they're like, let him DJ, he's the one.
[01:00:12] He gets the ones and twos, we'll put him on it, right?
[01:00:15] And then the guy's like, look at my dick, look at him!
[01:00:21] The party, get the fuck, everyone go home, please!
[01:00:23] Get away from the Doritos, it's your fucking rear dick.
[01:00:32] Sorry, you're gonna have to wait, you're gonna, the micro penis guys now,
[01:00:36] and then they thought maybe it'll be like, you know, 10, 15 years, maybe micro penis will be accepted,
[01:00:40] now they have to wait until people forget about Hitler, and that's what's gonna happen, I guess.
[01:00:45] So another story about fucked up law, North Carolina passed.
[01:00:54] They pass the law that says that trans people can't use public restrooms, which is fucked up,
[01:00:59] but then I'm not gonna pan there, I'm sure everybody agrees with that, right?
[01:01:02] And we know that if you live in New York, cause, you know, you can't ban people from public restrooms,
[01:01:08] You know, you tried to do that here with homeless people, you tried to keep them out,
[01:01:12] and now the whole fucking city smells like shit, so make the bathroom off limits,
[01:01:17] now you're both cities of bathroom, good job.
[01:01:20] But what, that story piqued my interest because then all these like artists and companies started
[01:01:26] boycotting North Carolina, and the last company I saw at boycott in North Carolina was
[01:01:33] Like they thought that would work, then Cirque du Soleil is like,
[01:01:37] this will stuff them, these will make them change our mind, like there's gonna be some big
[01:01:43] in North Carolina lawmaker that's like, cause, we have to have an emergency session, we lost Cirque du Soleil!
[01:01:50] Yeah, you guys know Cirque du Soleil, the French mom clowns that wear latex that kiss each other in the air.
[01:01:57] Yeah, they use ribbons to do parkour in each other's assholes.
[01:02:01] They're not coming here anymore, like Cirque du Soleil is what they think trans people are doing in those bathrooms.
[01:02:07] It's like, they're in there, they got a lion, they don't even abuse it, like a good Christian circus,
[01:02:18] Yeah, are you familiar with the thing that like, they just get like lions and tigers and do these,
[01:02:23] but like, I guess these weird type of Christians, they go around just abuse big cats.
[01:02:29] I didn't know, I lived in Texas for a couple years and there was like a place that was just selling a tiger.
[01:02:35] And my friend was like, yeah, I guess Christians just abuse.
[01:02:38] I don't know why I even went on that fucking tangent.
[01:02:41] Alright, I'm gonna bring up your next comic, co-hosts to the show.
[01:02:46] Keep it going for Stavros, how he is, or is that?
[01:02:56] Hey, alright, have a nice day for Nick, everybody.
[01:03:10] Let me tell you what's going on with me, gang.
[01:03:12] I've been here, I've been in New York about a year now.
[01:03:16] I moved to a city where I can't afford the food.
[01:03:20] I walk everywhere and I'm getting fatter somehow.
[01:03:24] I don't know how that's possible, but boy am I figuring it out, you guys.
[01:03:29] I think it has a lot to do with halal cart, honestly.
[01:03:36] I'm living like an 85% halal cart diet at this point, which is a real big issue, you guys.
[01:03:43] I'm pretty sure the amount of time you cook meat should never be until somebody buys it.
[01:03:55] That's not on any recipe that's saying cook time, it definitely.
[01:04:03] It's tough because I'm an emotional eater.
[01:04:05] You know, I use food as drugs, but I also use drugs as drugs.
[01:04:11] You shouldn't be able to eat a whole piece just high on cocaine, but I'm five for five, so far.
[01:04:23] I don't know, am I drinking is bad too?
[01:04:26] I've been getting real drunk recently, but I've been getting a special kind of drunk.
[01:04:30] I've been getting, well, it looks like I'm not friends with those people anymore drunk.
[01:04:35] You know, you're drafting an apology email the next day.
[01:04:40] And you're like, no, I'll just never see these people again.
[01:04:44] If you're going to drink, here's my advice, right?
[01:04:49] Because drunk people remember things exactly the same way you do, right?
[01:04:54] You're reminiscing the next day with your drunk bros, it's awesome.
[01:05:01] And then you hooked up with the hottest girl I've ever seen, right?
[01:05:06] That same story with a sober person is just,
[01:05:11] Yeah, you slapped a child and then you just kissed a lamp for like 20 minutes.
[01:05:24] I don't know what I'm doing, I gotta lose, I feel like I have to lose weight.
[01:05:31] But I don't know, man, I'm tired of being fetishized.
[01:05:35] You know? Not sexually, platonically, you know?
[01:05:40] Because like, people look at me and they're like,
[01:05:42] oh yeah, that's a big fat party animal friend, right?
[01:05:47] You think I just want to wear Hawaiian shirts? No.
[01:05:50] You think I only want to do cannonballs? No!
[01:06:03] I don't know, I don't know what to do about it.
[01:06:07] I also, but I don't know, the weight loss isn't going good,
[01:06:10] but some other things in my life are pretty cool.
[01:06:13] My cousin recently came out of the closet, which I thought was pretty great.
[01:06:16] Yeah, no, it made me really happy, thank you.
[01:06:19] It made me really happy, you know, for two reasons.
[01:06:26] You know, that takes a lot of guts to do.
[01:06:29] Number two, now I get her half of our grandparents' inheritance money.
[01:06:37] Now, just a joke, we're never going to tell our grandparents, right?
[01:06:40] We're just going to run out the clock on that one.
[01:06:44] But it is crazy at homeophobic, some people still are, in this day and age, you know?
[01:06:49] Like, I went to the gay pride parade with my cousin and a friend of mine,
[01:06:52] and my friend said something I couldn't believe.
[01:06:58] They're very, and they don't have boobs.
[01:07:01] And I couldn't believe the backwards way he was looking at it, because everybody knows,
[01:07:04] it's not that gay men are attracted to other men,
[01:07:07] it's that their parents sinned a long time ago.
[01:07:12] God is punishing them with a gay child?
[01:07:23] I want to say chapter three, but I'm not positive.
[01:07:27] So that joke went fine here, you know, but it has bombed big time, guys.
[01:07:32] One time a lady came up, I remember I told that joke, and she was like,
[01:07:43] But like, if really religious people write about hell,
[01:07:46] hell is probably a pretty sweet place, right?
[01:08:12] Just a bunch of Bud Light mirrors and moose heads everywhere.
[01:08:22] I got to say, we mentioned up top, but a lot of very pretty women here
[01:08:27] Fellows, do you ever see like a really pretty girl?
[01:08:30] And think to yourself, oh man, the ways.
[01:08:34] The ways I would sexually disappoint her.
[01:08:46] I'm going through some self-esteem stuff.
[01:08:51] My girlfriend for the last year, she's been doing this thing
[01:08:54] where she exclusively dates other people and I think that's pretty rude of her.
[01:09:02] Yeah, I'm going through a breakup and it sucks.
[01:09:05] The worst part about it is I realized I deserved it.
[01:09:10] Here's how you know you were a bad boyfriend.
[01:09:13] While you're getting broken up with, yeah, in the moment, you're sad,
[01:09:17] but in the back of your head, you're thinking, hey, good for her.
[01:09:23] She's going to turn her life around now.
[01:09:31] You know, I'm single for the first time in a while.
[01:09:33] I'm up against a lot when it comes to being single.
[01:09:35] I feel like everyone's online dating, right?
[01:09:54] And, you know, I really liked Tinder because I always assumed a lot of women didn't want to fuck me,
[01:10:10] Every time I'm sexting, I feel like a politician running for office.
[01:10:15] I'm making a lot of promises that deep down, I know I can't do it wrong.
[01:10:25] I don't want to be judged by my how to context dick.
[01:10:29] That's why here's what I've been doing to combat this issue.
[01:10:32] I've been making scaled down versions of everyday items.
[01:10:46] Pretty big compared to this normal remote.
[01:11:01] I guess my biggest issues, I'm just not good at being said.
[01:11:04] Like I'm not good at the places single people go to me.
[01:11:09] No one's ever wanted to fuck me while Kesha was playing.
[01:11:15] I say we hit it off and you come back with me.
[01:11:28] Do somebody tell us on those motherfuckers?
[01:11:34] And then who do you want to cuddle with?
[01:11:47] And look, this last one's a little graphic.
[01:11:49] But who do you think's really eating pussy?
[01:11:51] You think it's the guy with the aerobic stamina to fuck all night?
[01:12:02] You just sort of lay down, knock it, wind it, right?
[01:12:15] Goddamn it, that was probably so distracting.
[01:12:21] I had to show someone that's probably been fucking teetering the whole time.
[01:12:39] I am so annoyed at how that ended, but what are you going to do, right?
[01:12:43] We've got some more great show for you.
[01:12:45] And coming up next, one of our favorites, our little come boy,
[01:12:49] give it up for Adam Friedlin, everybody!
[01:13:06] I thought you were fucking this up because you were fat, but...
[01:13:13] It's funny, because as comics, we're all like, we act like we're friends,
[01:13:24] we're all naturally competitive with one another,
[01:13:27] but, uh, Stav is like the only friend of mine that I actively root for.
[01:13:33] Because heart disease is really rooting against you.
[01:13:40] I just want him to get on Carson before...
[01:13:45] Uh, I witnessed a miracle recently. Anyone seen a miracle?
[01:13:58] It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
[01:14:03] I work in an all women's divorce law firm.
[01:14:11] It's the only place I could be alone in New York City.
[01:14:19] I, uh, was at Panda Express outside my office,
[01:14:28] And I saw something, probably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
[01:14:32] I saw an old Chinese man, okay, in Panda Express.
[01:14:44] You old Chinese man, Dorexplore T-shirt.
[01:14:49] I saw an old Chinese man holding his phone out.
[01:15:11] I was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life.
[01:15:15] It's like one of those moments where you know.
[01:15:17] It's like that's, I'm never going to see anything that great again.
[01:15:25] I got that old Chinese man, Dorexplore T-shirt.
[01:15:30] And then I got, oh, yeah, one time my friend's brother sent me weed from Oregon.
[01:15:36] And I got the weed in the mail and I asked my friend what to call.
[01:15:41] He's like, my brother didn't give me a name.
[01:15:45] I said, I'm going to call it Death Star.
[01:15:50] And then he text my friend an hour later.
[01:16:03] And then I don't know what the third thing is.
[01:16:06] I found an eighth on the ground one time.
[01:16:11] It's pathetic that two of the most lucky things that ever happened to me are weed related.
[01:16:22] I have $60,000 in undergraduate student debt from a college that is a fake college.
[01:16:29] It's called the George Washington University of Washington.
[01:16:36] It is a real estate scam with a college based on top of it.
[01:16:43] It's basically a place where rich people can send their failure children.
[01:16:56] It's where you can send your fail sons for $60,000 a year to get an education in Washington,
[01:17:04] And it has a similar name to Georgetown, but it is not as good of a university.
[01:17:27] And it was just all kids with their parents, American Express black cards.
[01:17:32] And they were just like, do you go clubbing?
[01:17:40] And they were like, I've been clubbing since I was 12 years old.
[01:17:44] And I was like, what the fuck is your life?
[01:17:48] I went to a dance club with some of these fucking fuck boys that I went to college with one time.
[01:17:54] I just put on a stripy shirt, this kind of thing.
[01:17:57] And fucking loafers, and we went to the dance club.
[01:18:02] And there was a fucking Iranian man with a velvet rope.
[01:18:06] And this guy just like, paid him off some fucking kid that I went to a boy that I went to college with.
[01:18:13] And he paid him off and he brought us to a private bottle service table.
[01:18:19] And it was just, it was the most pathetic experience in the world.
[01:18:24] And then a section where there was a table, a chucky cheese section.
[01:18:28] Where there were just boys dancing on a couch to Benny Bonasi.
[01:18:34] I was like, what the fuck is this right now?
[01:18:47] And thankfully most of their parents lost a lot of money in the 2008 recessions.
[01:18:53] That's, yes, thank you for the applause.
[01:19:00] So I've lived in New York for two years.
[01:19:04] I came here to follow my comedy dreams.
[01:19:15] I used to do comedy in DC and I was like the glasses Jew.
[01:19:21] And I got here and there were like just 75 other versions of me.
[01:19:30] And they were like, we had the same argument with our parents.
[01:19:32] We moved to New York and we went to follow our dreams.
[01:19:52] Before I moved here, I was dating a girl.
[01:20:01] And then she started getting DJing lessons from my best friends.
[01:20:10] They fell in love behind the ones and twos.
[01:20:17] It was like probably one of the most romantic love stories I can think of.
[01:20:28] Their heart's beating at a perfect 4-4 pace at unison.
[01:20:33] It's pathetic to know that I'm a plot complication in a DJing love story.
[01:20:44] It's the most important thing that I've done, really, was get cucked by a DJ.
[01:20:51] I was very depressed when I moved here.
[01:21:00] I'd wake up at 6am and I'd remember how miserable my life was that I had no job and no prospects in comedy.
[01:21:13] I'd wake up and I'd have these panic attacks.
[01:21:16] One morning I had a panic attack that I hadn't had a vegetable in nine months since my girlfriend left me for my DJ best friend.
[01:21:26] So I freaked out and I went to key food in Bushwick.
[01:21:30] I got every single vegetable I could find.
[01:21:33] I was just making fucking smoothies all day and salads.
[01:21:37] I tried to eat nine months worth of vegetables in one day.
[01:21:46] That night, Nick and I were at a comedy show.
[01:21:50] It was like the third comedy show that I'd been to that night that they told me I was not allowed to perform at.
[01:21:57] I was waiting for the G train and those nine months of vegetables just needed to exit my body really badly.
[01:22:06] I was just pacing around the platform of the G train.
[01:22:09] I was like please don't poop your pants.
[01:22:14] You're 27 years old just don't shit your pants in public.
[01:22:21] I was at the end of the platform and it stopped two and a half miles away from me on the platform.
[01:22:27] I ran after it and the doors closed and I wait another hour for another G train.
[01:22:35] I finally when I got on the train on my way home to Bushwick I sat down and about five minutes later I pooped.
[01:22:51] I shit myself and I was wearing shorts.
[01:22:53] I was wearing shorts on the train and I went vegetable poo in my pants and I was just elevated in my pants
[01:23:00] so that the turds wouldn't fall out of my shorts.
[01:23:04] There was this old nurse that she saw me and she smelled it.
[01:23:08] She was clearly just off of an eight hour shift.
[01:23:11] She smelled the shit and she was like oh fuck no.
[01:23:22] Anyway I get back to Bushwick and there's this shit falling out of my shorts onto the street.
[01:23:30] So much so that when someone the next day would see the crap on the street they'd be like someone needs to pick up after their dog but it was a man.
[01:23:44] Anyway I get back to my blog and it was summer time and some kids on my blog had popped to fire hydrant classic New York right?
[01:23:54] Popped to fire hydrant it was so hot they're playing outside just like in the movies right?
[01:24:02] So I made the executive decision because I shit like down my legs.
[01:24:07] That I was gonna drop my shorts and my underpants.
[01:24:14] I was like just my dick just flapping in the wind.
[01:24:18] I was gonna just put there was no one out it was 3 am.
[01:24:22] I was just gonna place my asshole on top of the guys during fire hydrant right?
[01:24:29] So as to clean the shit out of my fucking ass and then go back to my apartment.
[01:24:36] Anyway the second my ass touched the water.
[01:24:41] Three, four to recon boys on bikes rolled up.
[01:24:54] They've looked at me they're like aww fuck, oh hell no.
[01:25:38] Honestly guys this is like so I just know I Ronnie this is serious.
[01:25:52] Yo real quick though, shout out to my man with the Ravens head on.
[01:25:57] Dude, Ray Rice not guilty y'all got to film.
[01:26:25] We're the most miserable people in the fucking world.
[01:26:34] They have to just listen to Jewish women talk about their couches.
[01:26:47] I felt a lot of, yeah I felt a lot of, well fuck Jewish people.
[01:26:49] How else are they supposed to get the couch in the building dude?
[01:26:54] I just want to fuck your sit on chairs.
[01:27:07] Yo anyway I felt confidence from my set and then I just went with that.
[01:27:21] And we actually compiled a clip show from the show.
[01:27:25] Everybody's been, you're gonna hear Louis beating his kid again?
[01:27:36] I know you guys don't like it cause you're not strong like I think I am.
[01:27:47] We have the Holy God but he's so he like earnestly wears tap out shirts.
[01:27:56] The most incredible thing is that he's never in class.
[01:28:02] And then you get the shirt that says I'm ready to fight anyone I see.
[01:28:06] The most incredible thing about Louis is that he's never watched football.
[01:28:10] Yeah he's not in any sports because other sports have like rules.
[01:28:16] Other sports aren't just reminding him of childhood.
[01:28:19] Basically what NASCAR, what's that stand for?
[01:28:28] Oh two people punching each other in the face.
[01:28:34] Well I want to make fun of my friend Mateo's gay.
[01:28:48] What are you asking them if they saw that shit?
[01:28:57] Well I was intimidated by Louis and I needed to take it up a notch.
[01:29:01] So I've got gum is tap out shirts of the mouth.
[01:29:04] Well I don't feel bad making fun of Louis because apparently on his last podcast he pulled up a picture of me and he's like
[01:29:20] I want to get, you know what, there's that.
[01:29:26] Yeah right now we're challenging Louis.
[01:29:35] Louis says, Louis, but there's this guy Mickey Gall that does Legion of Scannics who's like actually like a pretty cool guy.
[01:29:40] And Louis keeps challenging him to fight.
[01:29:45] I'll fucking kick his ass next time dude.
[01:29:58] But we should do like wire fighting like crouching tiger where you get a wire and Louis doesn't.
[01:30:05] As a policy guys, I'm always wearing a wire.
[01:30:15] Check for the check his sweater fucking wire.
[01:30:20] I want to get Louis into, there's a sport that's called a big pussy free plant.
[01:30:36] Well I'm so excited to mention chest boxing which is the thing I found online where you
[01:30:41] play a round of chess and then you punch each other in the face.
[01:30:47] Yeah I think well there's no space or weed element but yeah.
[01:30:52] Yeah so I want to be like a chest boxing guy and instead of a tap out shirt I just get
[01:30:57] like a tribal tattoo and old English tattoo directly on my brain that just says check
[01:31:03] I'm telling the tough chest boxing guy.
[01:31:06] If the three come boys ever got it and opted on to fight we would just end up having sex
[01:31:16] Let's set up whatever we need to get to that.
[01:31:27] Was it Icky Bickey where you all come on the biscuit but stop keeps eating the biscuit
[01:31:34] It's like you know how I am around brands.
[01:31:42] I don't know if we mentioned this on the podcast the LMFAO thing.
[01:31:53] It would be funny if there were three guys that enjoyed coming.
[01:32:01] Mateo and two of his fouls and also look like Mateo.
[01:32:06] He went to a sperm bank and while that song shot shot shot shot shot shot.
[01:32:19] That's what the sketches were going to film.
[01:32:23] I have like a Word document with shit like Dad written in it from like 2006.
[01:32:27] I'm like yeah I'm going to write sketches for myself.
[01:32:32] I've been talking about what do you guys think.
[01:32:43] I only do like a hidden camera show where you shoot it.
[01:32:48] You shoot it inside the lobby of the sperm bank.
[01:32:55] And then you have a guy pull up in a car and he just gets out of the driver's seat with this giant bucket.
[01:33:00] He gets like a foot away from the door.
[01:33:15] So the next time it's a pizza restaurant.
[01:33:18] It's just a really good coincidence the first time that it makes sense.
[01:33:22] And then season two he has a giant cell phone that he's screaming into but he's also got the bucket of coffee.
[01:33:30] And then we saw it to SNL because at the end he goes, mmm Donald Trump?
[01:33:47] All your money is going to Bernie Sanders for the last election.
[01:33:53] We're going to give it to him for the last election that's over.
[01:33:56] A lot of people who know this he never had a bar mitzvah.
[01:34:03] I'd love to go to Bernie's bar mitzvah.
[01:34:15] This is a much of like Jewish parody songs.
[01:34:19] I want to be one of the, do you remember at bar mitzvah?
[01:34:25] You remember the motivational dancers at bar mitzvahs?
[01:34:30] Yeah they have the DJ and they have like two hot girls.
[01:34:37] Well he's 13 year olds want to kill themselves.
[01:34:45] Yeah that's where I learned how to grind dance at bar mitzvahs.
[01:34:48] I just used to fucking comb my pants at my...
[01:34:59] I'm just trying to get your child pussy on my face.
[01:35:02] That's my understanding of a mar mitzvah.
[01:35:08] That's what I tell people and that's what I post online.
[01:35:17] Real quick the red sea parts but it's calm.
[01:35:23] One last thing if you guys are on Monday or in Brooklyn we're doing another show.
[01:35:27] The three of us are going to do another show.
[01:35:33] Maybe some of you have been to it before.