Cum Town | Regular | 03/16/2017
[00:00:00] Hello. Bonjour, bonjour. Bonjour. That's French for...
[00:00:12] That's a... that Jerry Lewis movie plays the gay clown.
[00:00:17] There's a gay clown that molests the children and Auschwitz.
[00:00:21] What a fucking idiot. You know what's so funny about that movie is like that's totally the movie that I would write if I had the big one.
[00:00:26] They wanted to deserve the career that Jerry Lewis had in the fuck.
[00:00:30] He just attached himself to Dean Martin and pretended to be retarded.
[00:00:40] And then he tried to make a fucking Mel Brooks movie.
[00:00:46] It's... it's... it was more of a tightly kept secret than the Holocaust itself.
[00:00:59] The Library of Congress is releasing it.
[00:01:01] How dare he take the title of the best comedy album ever recorded?
[00:01:12] Jake... Jake Flores, which interestingly enough, one of the original original convoys.
[00:01:18] A lot of people don't know this, but the original convoys was me, Jake Flores and Blake Midget.
[00:01:25] And then Adam and Stav got added on when I stopped, you know, wanting to go to Williamsburg to hang out.
[00:01:30] So we rewrote the... it was the reboot.
[00:01:33] They really missed out on this Patreon shit.
[00:01:43] Honestly, if Blake converted the amount of money he makes in free cocaine from people to actual cash value,
[00:01:56] Is he back in Texas or is he in New York?
[00:02:04] His dog was living in Texas for like two years and he's like, he's like, I'm finally getting my dog back, man.
[00:02:10] It's like, stop pretending like you give a shit about that dog.
[00:02:21] This is wearing a wife feeder and smoking a spliff.
[00:02:24] It's like one of these days when we get to see my dog.
[00:02:29] Is that fucking, I remember I used to go over to his apartment and the dog would just be eating its own shit in the corner.
[00:02:41] I've been teaching it all these combat tactics.
[00:02:45] Well, Joe Stans used to have that dog training DVD.
[00:02:55] Yeah, Joe would offer to like break people's dogs for them.
[00:03:01] He'd be like sitting out on the porch smoking cigarettes.
[00:03:04] His dog would like lick someone's beer.
[00:03:05] He'd be like, hold on, watch this and just choke slam it.
[00:03:21] It takes out a gun and just shoots the dog in a fight.
[00:03:26] You have to put a little bit of your comb in her food so she knows your scent.
[00:03:29] That's how you become a dominant alpha.
[00:03:34] Yeah, I learned how to train dogs from the movie Red Dragon.
[00:03:37] I was tattooing himself in his office shit.
[00:03:42] Yeah, remember that there was that day where he had me remove his stitches.
[00:03:47] Yeah, they didn't want to go back to the hospital.
[00:03:55] For the listeners, Jake and Nick are Austin boys.
[00:03:58] Yeah, so, yeah, like Joe didn't want to go back to the hospital,
[00:04:02] have his stitches taken out, so he just had me do it in the fuck in his office.
[00:04:08] You were the most trustworthy, you were the most honest.
[00:04:17] I don't think I'd let me do it drunk, but yeah.
[00:04:20] You probably dressed like Joseph Mangalier.
[00:04:23] I feel like you have the most mad experience.
[00:04:28] And then I made like one of those doctors things for your head with like the reflection.
[00:04:39] no they didn't actually if you spin it it's for mind control yeah
[00:04:43] is there what the guy did in the doctor in uh... in uh... uh... uh... the phantom
[00:04:50] is that a book it's a book that was also a movie
[00:04:56] yes i'm it's a dog that's got a clock in his stomach
[00:05:01] is a boy it's but it's kind of like a mile out it's about my lawyer and
[00:05:12] i think it's actually perfectly normal and not pedophilia
[00:05:15] to have a relationship between an older man and a thirteen year old boy what
[00:05:20] yes he's like especially the homosexual community what they are very
[00:05:25] important beautiful relationships that could be founded
[00:05:37] pedophilia is this plants getting a stick hard
[00:05:41] he's a failure to find his marshmallows are marshmallows come from smushy
[00:05:45] your unit that is hilarious usually at the one who's distracted by
[00:05:48] i don't know he's doing this incredibly inaccurate myelow impression i'm a
[00:05:54] hold on to that and the fucking boys are kind of bob bearing on it is that
[00:06:16] go on that uh... pedophilia is actually attraction
[00:06:20] to a child that doesn't have sexual function so at thirteen
[00:06:24] once you have sexual function that's not as so it's a febophilia
[00:06:28] uh... is that what it's called yeah there's a few feet it's a making fun of the
[00:06:33] people who know the distinction between the phybophilia pedophilia is like a
[00:06:38] you would you have to know the difference to make the joke
[00:06:43] a few people yeah it's actually a particular for the saturday night
[00:06:48] uh... that's what you're going to be a real bad
[00:06:57] uh... when you can only fuck kids when it's not a school night
[00:07:02] i'm fucking kids over here now if he'd be a failure is like what would be
[00:07:07] considered normal up until like nineteen twenty
[00:07:10] which is the fuck which is a good thirty-year-old man is marrying a
[00:07:17] yeah that's the prime jerry lee lewis did it he married his fourteen-year-old
[00:07:24] now there is the same guy's jerry lewis
[00:07:34] back in the day like the hottest woman was just like
[00:07:37] the young the first one to get hits i guess that is we just fuck what we
[00:07:41] talked about any other episodes july gartland
[00:07:47] there's nothing wrong with that in nineteen thirty nine
[00:07:50] would you like to be jerked off by a midget
[00:07:58] so you said i do this to get my dog back
[00:08:04] the best part is when you tell them i don't know your dog is
[00:08:08] it's on my my argument is that it would probably make your dick look big as
[00:08:13] you know because they got a little hands
[00:08:16] but yet i mean if you don't have a small dick and what's the benefit of that
[00:08:19] just that for everyone you know we you know everyone's probably here's got a
[00:08:23] nice-sized it we have to dwell on an ask specifics
[00:08:27] people always say that they go and it makes my dick look huge that makes your dick
[00:08:38] it's a regular person's hand in your dick is the size of like a baseball bat
[00:08:45] i don't know then you're just a giant person
[00:08:47] then in that case yeah why wouldn't you just
[00:08:49] why would you just skip the hands and stick your dick next to their dick
[00:08:55] now we're talking to be worried about the size of the day why don't you just
[00:08:58] pair up with a guy with a really small day
[00:09:00] now i think we now i think we're actually off of that a fetish in the gay community
[00:09:04] like a guy with a huge dick here's here's the answer to your question and this
[00:09:08] is outside of the context of this if the question is is that a fetish in the gay
[00:09:12] community the answer is almost always yes
[00:09:18] probably you think they rub dicks one guy with a big as the grubs is dick against
[00:09:21] the little guy yeah it's called frauding
[00:09:23] no frauding isn't i guess that is for you what is it called when you uh... you
[00:09:27] just rub up against people on the train
[00:09:30] uh... japanese that's called like that's called a new york minute
[00:09:38] but i don't know if they're dicks out midway
[00:09:50] this is like fucking video that was going around like a year and a half ago
[00:09:54] uh... the ny p d's trying to crack down on this and was a video of show time
[00:09:58] and all these people don't live in new york were like
[00:10:00] this is so fucked up this is racist or whatever and it's like you don't live
[00:10:04] here it's super fucking annoying i got it
[00:10:06] i got kicked by the fact that i can demand money to all do the same dance
[00:10:10] which is an even dancing is just pull ups
[00:10:12] yeah so you can do pull up we just mad they're stronger than you know i can do
[00:10:16] pull ups they're stronger than you it's that why you're mad no i'm not i don't
[00:10:20] know what you're interjecting and ruin it you need to be on my side here
[00:10:23] against the show time people i like the show time anyhow if you don't fucking
[00:10:25] live here you don't get the comment on it
[00:10:29] i'm not going to talk but there's still a small party that looks at it's like
[00:10:33] good for those kids are pretty cool keeping them off the street like dancing i
[00:10:37] guarantee you could do that shit if you thought dancing was cool i get
[00:10:41] that's where dancing that's where dancing goes to dancing you know the
[00:10:44] dancing stuff you would spend artists cool those guys have to spend $900 a
[00:10:48] month for those lessons holy shit why didn't someone monetize
[00:10:53] showtime you know how obnoxious that would be oh yeah like the show some
[00:10:56] Williams Williamsburg guy that like fucking turned showtime
[00:10:59] classy he like got old subway cars and installed them in
[00:11:03] fucking old black churches all around bedside
[00:11:06] bought out the churches from under them kicked everyone out
[00:11:10] and it's a very new york regional subject we're talking about right now
[00:11:13] yeah they just start a restaurant called showtime pizza with a robot to do it
[00:11:16] for you how yeah that would be awesome that's
[00:11:19] show problem solved you know yeah yeah i don't get it because
[00:11:23] there are three elements of the showtime to me
[00:11:26] one is the pole work the second is like the stationary break dancing
[00:11:31] yes and then the third is like doing hat flipping tricks yeah and shoes
[00:11:35] sometimes is it shoes also yeah it'd be great if there was a guy that could
[00:11:39] make his like pants fall down but then come back up
[00:11:43] that would be incredible this slide which is
[00:11:46] slide with this is just grabbing a clown yeah
[00:11:50] and then maybe they're all getting like a one car a little ass car but eight of
[00:11:53] them would go in and you'd be like how do they do that and it gives you a balloon
[00:11:56] and then he leaves yeah my train on the g in the mornings
[00:12:01] on the way to work there's a bonda guys they're like three
[00:12:04] mexican dude g for gay yeah yeah yes yes i'm on board with that
[00:12:12] i agree with you you live off the g no i don't do that in fact i take
[00:12:17] ubers everywhere so you don't have to ride the g
[00:12:20] yeah that's how scary you train no that's how impervious i am to being
[00:12:25] called gay because i've never stepped foot on that train
[00:12:28] impervious to being called gay that's your superpower yeah
[00:12:32] he's gotten impervious this year older him assexuals i ride the a train for uh
[00:12:37] has sex with girls i should say excuse me
[00:12:41] i didn't think that l to the g to the q to the b to the t to get to work
[00:12:49] my sub-dicks and work yeah i ride the the f to the a to the g pretty much
[00:12:54] pretty uh yeah i i ride the t to the i to the t to the t to the i do the e to the s
[00:13:00] trains okay there's no t yeah you're bad at this place
[00:13:04] get off and then get back on it i want to get on those trains
[00:13:07] i have to ride the uh nine uh two eleven train
[00:13:13] this is like the worst battle wrap yeah yeah this is the cipher deep tree in
[00:13:19] a circle now yeah we move quicker around here hip-hop started
[00:13:24] i was taking the train to uh time square on christmas eve to go to
[00:13:29] um fucking red lobster hell yes yes dude no mother fuck i love everything about
[00:13:36] what you just said loster remember when we did that video with
[00:13:39] cubus where he had to eat all the shrimp yeah
[00:13:43] we got it one yeah two of those yeah there was like there's a guy in
[00:13:47] austin that makes videos and he's like we're gonna take chris cubus
[00:13:50] oss or to red lobster and see how many shrimp he can eat
[00:13:53] as like a video and so we sat there and we did it it came out okay
[00:13:57] again okay but chris finishes eating and he eats like a hundred and twelve or
[00:14:01] hundred and twenty shrimp or something and then fucking at the end of it like
[00:14:05] the waiter's like oh are you doing like the challenge to see how many you can
[00:14:08] eat and he was like yeah he's like yeah we had like a 12 year old that did like
[00:14:10] four hundred two days ago and chris's numbers were just
[00:14:14] atrocious that's texas for you yeah remember like
[00:14:17] all the shit we did four years ago or eight years ago or whatever that now
[00:14:22] like now in this post-trump world we're all like okay everything i'm doing is a
[00:14:26] benefit for you know the cause and shit yeah yeah i think like is so embarrassing
[00:14:30] and yeah do you know there isn't oh everything i do now is a benefit
[00:14:34] for us yeah definitely this podcast is a benefit we don't see a dime yeah
[00:14:41] all the money goes to some woman with huge breasts that are filled with cancer
[00:14:46] i think it's a candy yeah uh we found the woman with the biggest tits
[00:14:53] who has breast cancer yeah because those are the most important ones to say
[00:14:57] it's tragic yeah she's from seria she's saved the titties
[00:15:01] i only started caring about cancer when titties got involved
[00:15:04] well it was funny people there was like pushback against that kind of like
[00:15:07] branding of breast cancer research and you know they're like
[00:15:11] you don't need to sexualize women in like fighting cancer and it's like oh okay
[00:15:18] you can either have the on board on my terms dance for this fucking money
[00:15:24] bitch yeah that was a good point he's trying to raise money you should
[00:15:28] really nitpick just it is weird though yeah it's like
[00:15:32] saved titties it's like my grandmother yeah it's dumb but to
[00:15:36] like the pushback against says money fucking talks dude yes it is
[00:15:40] no it's yes it is you fucking idiot no the pushback is that Susan G come in
[00:15:45] like copyrighted for the cause or for the cure you're talking about a
[00:15:49] completely yeah that's a different push yeah that's true
[00:15:52] so gcomin sucks my day don't they only do like seven like eight percent or
[00:15:56] whatever and they don't take before pictures yeah
[00:15:59] that's the big complaining about Susan G comin you see all this like pink stuff
[00:16:03] and you think that they're you know taking a bunch of before pictures of
[00:16:05] the breasts and that's why you donate to them not a
[00:16:08] chance but they're not yeah most of that money goes to women who
[00:16:11] have small breasts instead of what you just
[00:16:23] shit you're saying so yeah you were you were going to red lobster on Christmas
[00:16:27] oh I got a good burn on those kids they started dancing and everyone was like
[00:16:30] not having this Christmas Eve so it was like hey it's not show time it's
[00:16:34] Christmas time you fucking orphans that don't have family
[00:16:39] you know don't right you know a kid for like a second you
[00:16:46] stupid as it ain't show time it's blow time yeah
[00:16:50] make them blow you drop this port peter pan law
[00:16:53] sports what did you wear yeah I I didn't take it out for your Cinderella
[00:17:00] what did you what did you have a red lobster for Christmas
[00:17:03] um well a bunch of bullshit like I don't really
[00:17:07] remember yeah it's all pretty much viscous so I got it yeah I mean you can't just
[00:17:11] get the cheesy biscuits they kind of lay you but I think I got some
[00:17:14] lobster I mean it was garbage it was like 25
[00:17:17] dollars in entree for like um you know a fucking
[00:17:21] just above fast food meal yeah yeah remember that night juliano fry was all
[00:17:25] drunk and she was like does anyone want water burger I'm gonna get
[00:17:29] honey like I'm gonna get honey and she spent like
[00:17:33] seventy eight dollars she's right what wrong
[00:17:37] is I'm gonna do a water burger run real quick yeah that wasn't that
[00:17:40] yeah when she worked at like a diner so it was like her paycheck for the whole
[00:17:43] week two dollars yeah it's water burger good I've
[00:17:48] never had it it's okay texas right it's just McDonald's yeah
[00:17:52] it's better than McDonald's it's good but the the fucking hype about it the
[00:17:56] same as the local fast food in any place which is right
[00:17:58] drunk people who like don't like sports so they have right instead right right
[00:18:03] he's fucking way better than that shit they have a Tucson or whatever
[00:18:06] yeah looking big and better sports yeah water burgers on par with Wendy's I'd
[00:18:11] say okay okay what is good you know it's funny is the the experience of going
[00:18:16] to get fast food in New York City which is a fast food in New York City is a
[00:18:21] homeless shelter yeah it's not a fast restaurant yeah
[00:18:30] where yeah holy shit yeah I was a kid growing up we like weren't allowed to
[00:18:36] you know have Boston market it was like too nice yeah
[00:18:42] it was like what like rich people like Roger's roaster's family
[00:18:46] we don't go to Boston market yeah no I went in and I just said they'll
[00:18:49] fucking leave I couldn't even bought like bare water or anything
[00:18:53] there's there was McDonald's in Hell's Kitchen
[00:18:56] where uh to like I guess there's like a methadone clinic right by there
[00:19:00] that's the one no that's the Penn Station McDonald's the one where the junkies
[00:19:03] murdered each other Jesus Christ that guy that journalist that like lived
[00:19:08] there for six weeks yeah yeah isn't a methadone clinic yeah and there's
[00:19:13] like murders and shit that happened Jesus shut down that whole McDonald
[00:19:17] didn't you didn't you have some kind of story about a game McDonald's and
[00:19:20] yeah I didn't do concert yeah what happened
[00:19:24] Nick was blackout so being Nick and Jamel we were all drinking beers all
[00:19:28] the items like 2 3 a.m we went to the game McDonald's
[00:19:33] dude got there we're like stoned his fucking drunk
[00:19:36] and it's just like all the gay clubs just let out it was after hours at
[00:19:40] McDonald's and Nick walked in on a guy sucking
[00:19:58] yeah this was white literally just see this this man getting his penis
[00:20:03] I'm jealous did you go check it out and I was like yeah we should yelp that
[00:20:06] dude yeah we should definitely yelp that did you go in and look after him
[00:20:10] uh don't have any but I you know wanted to make sure that there
[00:20:14] you know everything was okay in there did I tell I mean I'm sure I've told this
[00:20:17] story of the podcast before but in terms of hilarious
[00:20:22] getting your dicks sucked in public restroom stories
[00:20:24] in my the high school I went to after I graduated
[00:20:27] some girl was getting gangbanged in uh in in the public in like the school
[00:20:33] bathroom and some kid was taking a piss and nothing to do with the gangbang
[00:20:38] and you heard what's going on as soon as he pissed he just went in and got his
[00:20:41] dicks on a break bro he just had to piss from like algebra
[00:20:47] and he's like oh it's like it just like it
[00:20:50] hopped into the gangbang that's hilarious she is so good one day
[00:20:54] me and my friend Brad who I went to high school with was Mormon
[00:20:57] we went to see the movie ahead of state with Chris Rock after school
[00:21:01] yeah and there's this guy sitting in the row in front of us and he was just
[00:21:05] going on and then the n-word and he's like
[00:21:08] oh and he kept saying it all inward all inward and then um
[00:21:14] my friend Brad like was like looking really confused and we were like
[00:21:17] giggling we didn't know what was going on and then all of a sudden like a woman's
[00:21:20] head comes out of his crotch and he was just getting his dicks
[00:21:23] getting ahead of state yeah exactly yeah I remember I was in uh I forget what
[00:21:30] movie I went to see but during the the trailer you know how they have those
[00:21:33] like two captains shares for like handicapped people yeah hell yeah
[00:21:37] so I was in one of them with my friend and then in the other the other one like
[00:21:41] halfway on the other side of the seat of this like
[00:21:44] butch dyke sits down like you know flannel you know
[00:21:47] and fucking there was trailers for movies going on and the trailer for
[00:21:51] she's like already talking she's like brown bagging something too so she's
[00:21:54] fucking trashed and uh the trailer for kung-pao
[00:21:58] enter the fist comes on yeah yeah and this fucking lesbian is
[00:22:01] laughing her ass off like ah ah you see that motherfucking cow he's
[00:22:07] but and they just almost immediately and ushers like you got
[00:22:12] fucking go she got kicked out during the
[00:22:16] during trailers we're fucking making too much noise during the kung-pao
[00:22:24] that's impressive i've never seen usher actually do anything
[00:22:27] yeah no that's the only time i've ever seen anyone get kicked out of the
[00:22:29] theater but they were like you know it was like max katie and fucking
[00:22:33] you know cape fear yeah yeah smoking a cigar yeah
[00:22:37] laughing kung-pao you know what's cool about business expenses is because i
[00:22:40] said just that i can expense buying that just buying
[00:22:44] katie fear yeah oh i'm gonna say kung-pao no i mentioned
[00:22:47] every movie by that one too i mentioned every movie i buy
[00:22:50] just so it's technically right yeah yeah yeah i do the same thing yeah
[00:22:54] like we said the sound of music so i bought the sound of music
[00:22:57] yeah what else though oh yeah predator i mentioned that when i want to buy that
[00:23:00] one yeah mm-hmm what are some good flicks i need to see
[00:23:03] boys yeah i need to do research to figure out what it feels like to get a haircut
[00:23:08] so now that's a business expense yeah i believe you get a
[00:23:11] a ten dollar blowjob yeah and you could write off yeah
[00:23:15] adam literally got jerked off by a fucking
[00:23:19] uh it's crazy i first-tier operator i've made i've made i've made the case
[00:23:23] before but it's pretty fucked up that you can't write off illegal expenses
[00:23:27] like drugs yeah you can't write off cocaine even if you do a bunch of cocaine
[00:23:33] yeah we do for work it's fucking absolutely insane that you can't write it off as
[00:23:38] a business expense if they can catch al Capone for
[00:23:40] if if illegal income is taxable then fucking illegal
[00:23:45] spendatures should be taxable or tax negatable it does make sense it
[00:23:50] should be in charge of the the law offices the tax department you could
[00:23:55] probably you literally probably could yeah you probably sneak your way in i
[00:23:58] could fucking make that case it was the high arrest that took down Capone
[00:24:01] yeah it was dude they had to fucking get him because he didn't keep books on all
[00:24:03] this fucking illegal incomes is that really what it is yeah he didn't
[00:24:06] launder his money properly watch the untouchable
[00:24:08] tax negotives well they had to get him on something because they they couldn't
[00:24:11] get evidence on anything else you know and they can't rely on local police
[00:24:15] departments because he fucking owned everything in Chicago
[00:24:18] the g-men got him that way yeah my man had syphilis yeah you have been
[00:24:22] talking about wanting to watch the untouchables again me and Adam are
[00:24:24] watching the untouchables after this oh i've been on a brian department by the
[00:24:29] way the untouchables is also the name of stavs dick and balls
[00:24:32] no it isn't yeah yeah that take it back the unceables
[00:24:47] fucking dudes call their their girl the n-word like yeah yeah yeah
[00:24:53] yeah that guy getting his dick sucked and dropping n-ball
[00:24:56] just like you sure was the man sucking his dick i had this roommate who like i
[00:25:00] live in like a fucking dumb like the best part is that's where his
[00:25:09] he's got to get exactly done by Dominican woman
[00:25:21] yeah the guy who lives in the room next to me used to uh
[00:25:26] just get home like lack out drunk in the middle of night and like you know i'm
[00:25:29] just trying to sleep and he'd just be up like having these
[00:25:32] he was a wigger from like shelter out like a super rich weird
[00:25:35] uh-huh like Justin Biebery bowler hat guy and he would just be like having
[00:25:39] these intense conversations where he's just calling his girl from the n-word
[00:25:43] like all night well but like not like aggressively like as a slur it was
[00:25:48] like he's talking to her like it sounded like the uh like a skit from like a
[00:25:52] rap album but just like a fucking night and then to cap it all off he would
[00:25:56] get into a fit of rage and play the saxophone
[00:26:01] yeah this was a noxious fucking roommate that guy sounds fake as shit you
[00:26:05] remember there was a guy there's remember that guy that gay guy that came
[00:26:08] moved into sandstone that had that that had that beard uh that he's like this
[00:26:13] is my girlfriend brat oh my god yeah yeah that guy's
[00:26:16] that guy's name was brat he was a woman named brat but it was clearly a beard
[00:26:20] but he lived he lived right above the office and we would just hear him
[00:26:24] fucking all the time and remember it was like joe was like well i guess she's not
[00:26:27] gay dude he's fucking that girl pretty hard and it's like
[00:26:30] no he has to fuck her that hard to come yeah if he's for pretending well he was
[00:26:35] getting he was getting pegged yeah that's why he was oh yes
[00:26:43] use the extra large one yes he's got a wall of different yeah right
[00:26:49] if i get gauges i know those that's a bandalier like drill bits she puts
[00:26:54] a she puts a sock on bopper and is asking and blows it up
[00:27:00] one time when i was gonna be in bush we get john f o donnels please this is a
[00:27:04] fake story he's about to tell by the way no three of us fake news bitch
[00:27:08] no me you jakin nick we're playing katana and i'm
[00:27:15] go ahead go ahead at it uh fuck i tell your story nikka
[00:27:19] he's a she no i'm a waver that think it's on roughing news i was there
[00:27:24] yeah yeah we had that i suck was remade they used to cheat on his girlfriend
[00:27:28] but most of the cheating included tickling girls
[00:27:31] yeah yeah yeah he would keep us like playing katana
[00:27:35] in the living room and there would just be these shrieks of laughter coming out
[00:27:38] of the room and it turned out yeah like he cheated
[00:27:41] i guess the the girl came out like his girlfriend came over three nights a
[00:27:45] week and the other four nights a week he had a different girl over i mean
[00:27:48] very professional about cheating was he sexy
[00:27:53] he's uh like a pretty big big dude big big black
[00:27:57] black black man yeah let's just say he filled out
[00:28:06] um he was tickling bitches that show was well it's like if you think about it
[00:28:11] like the control of like have of an orgasm
[00:28:16] what that lasts like five seconds it just reminds me of you ever see that
[00:28:19] that bullshit josh harden had movie uh 40 days and 40 nights 40 days and
[00:28:24] 40 days and where he blows that feather across that
[00:28:28] bitches stomach and she like comes from the feather
[00:28:30] yeah and it's like shut the fuck up yeah i used to be in love you know how
[00:28:36] fucking how hard it is for most women to come and this
[00:28:39] comes from a feather she was probably moless and then
[00:28:43] she was i know that's like a weird way to go with that but i feel like
[00:28:47] those those people come early she was molested by a poultry farmer
[00:28:50] yeah happen right any any kind of feather she was molested by that uh
[00:28:55] bird woman at chucky cheese chucky jesus girlfriend
[00:29:01] whoever was in that costume how many like sex scenes in movies from like the
[00:29:05] past before i don't know just like i guess before porn was
[00:29:08] prevalent enough yeah a lot of shit seems like it was written by people that
[00:29:11] never had sex oh yeah oh yeah this i love all the
[00:29:13] michael douglas sex scenes are always him just like about to bite or be bit
[00:29:18] and buy some fucking anorexic woman so he's like
[00:29:24] just sucking air to their teeth at each other
[00:29:27] ah you know like we're throwing their hair around
[00:29:31] it's like what the fuck are you doing nobody fucks like that
[00:29:35] about the simmers always you have to clear off every surface in your
[00:29:38] apartment yeah i used to think that was just a
[00:29:44] prerequisite to fucking yeah you're cleaning out a desk
[00:29:49] or your own a big table kitchen yeah when i was a little kid i used to
[00:29:53] dream about goshily making out with a woman
[00:29:56] grabbing out a tabletop yeah she's always she's like grabbing your neck tie
[00:29:59] doing your chair with your neck tie kissing the your shirt so leave the
[00:30:04] mark on your shirt that shit was fucking dumb is that
[00:30:09] does anybody have good fuck scenes who's got a nice fuck scene
[00:30:13] the scene in the pornography we're closed so many sucks at guys
[00:30:17] so awesome that's so funny that you mentioned that i literally was thinking
[00:30:20] about the last one we recorded yeah it's like how
[00:30:23] god bless that man dude yeah we're just like
[00:30:26] getting his dicks what's his name brown bunny what was the fucking guy's name
[00:30:29] uh Vincent Gallo yeah he just like yeah i think i actually my
[00:30:35] carrier has to get his dick sucked okay cool it's like yeah but it's gonna have
[00:30:38] to be on camera my dick has to literally get sucked
[00:30:40] apparently they say it's a prosthetic that he used
[00:30:44] what yeah because uh that dick was pretty huge
[00:30:48] in that movie that's a good dick but i know what happens right after the
[00:30:51] blud job in that movie what he comes out no he
[00:30:54] comes out of his penis from the blood you said right after i'm answering
[00:30:58] the question what is he find out like Chloe
[00:31:01] Sivignyay was a good that's a cool way to say it
[00:31:04] and then the yeah Chloe Sivignyay sivigny sivigny
[00:31:08] sivigny yeah you say it Chloe Sivigny no
[00:31:11] yeah i said it right the first time now you've
[00:31:13] infected my brain with your weird yeah you've been saying weird and gay
[00:31:17] yeah i say things gay that's just how i am
[00:31:22] anyway she's a ghost he finds out she's a ghost and then the movie
[00:31:26] i literally beat off to that because i thought it was ground
[00:31:29] funny i thought that she was literally sucking dick and it was cool
[00:31:32] that an actress was sucking anyway it's kind of weird that she was
[00:31:35] fucked like sucking a fake dick well someone asked Vince Agallo about it and
[00:31:39] he got super mad like it was like a rumor and then they asked about it and he
[00:31:44] got furious so now because he got mad everyone's like oh yeah i guess it
[00:31:47] wasn't oh so he got mad because they thought it
[00:31:50] wasn't his dick wasn't big enough his real dick wasn't big enough
[00:31:53] i guess well i guess he's sort of by getting mad it was like a tell that it
[00:31:57] maybe wasn't actually his dick hmm so that guy has got a stupid voice have
[00:32:01] you ever heard him speak before no i know he's like he
[00:32:04] mofeops yeah he's like really the only part of his
[00:32:07] movie is that he talks like this really yeah
[00:32:14] literally the only part of his acting i've ever seen is him getting
[00:32:17] a stick second really yeah it's really annoying so he sounds like you
[00:32:22] just sounds like you're doing an adam impression no shut up dude i'm not even
[00:32:25] from whoa he talks like that that's really gay that's how he talks like this
[00:32:29] oh my god that's all right that's a that's just an amazing impression of both
[00:32:33] you and him i don't know how you do that so well
[00:32:38] wait anyway do you have anything else talk about adam
[00:32:41] no that's are you gonna are you gonna do that voice the whole time
[00:32:44] just talking to your normal voice man oh man he's really method on this
[00:32:49] impression of vince and fredland um yeah anyway i definitely did beat off
[00:32:55] to that close of vini what's up i fuck i just don't even close sov on y'all
[00:33:00] sov on sov on sov on sov on sov in the old seven dust yeah
[00:33:07] this old like guy y'all know dude i used to know this guy's to work with this
[00:33:11] guy that was really into a venge sevenfold net event sevenfold tattoos
[00:33:15] i fucking love them actually he had event sevenfold tattoos he's like yeah
[00:33:19] this is the skull bat basically what it represents as i stop
[00:33:23] well no it represents stop yeah i don't want to
[00:33:27] even hear what you think a skull bat represents
[00:33:31] what kind of symbolism of fucking skull with bat wings on it
[00:33:36] how we're kind of close reading of a flying bat skull could be
[00:33:42] your fucking idiotic mind you're watching all those like
[00:33:47] bam marjira post jackass shows yeah yeah yeah we put a fucking alligator in
[00:33:53] april's bed now she's gonna shit her fucking pussy off
[00:33:57] a bear is gonna rape my mother yo we took a shit and don vidos fucking mouth
[00:34:02] while he was asleep wait don vido raped kids when they're all
[00:34:05] free don vido or ripi is dead yeah he's dead he was dead and he was a
[00:34:09] terrible battle yeah you're watching bam fucking pranks his
[00:34:13] fucking parents hey this is bam marjira i'm 37 years old
[00:34:18] well he's uh he they all had tattoos this thing called a heart of grand yeah
[00:34:21] it's from the band him yeah it like he got rich when he was like 17 so he just
[00:34:26] has like yeah tattoos of that yeah almost i'm obsessed with this band
[00:34:31] and i do pranks on my parents like taking a shit in april's mouth
[00:34:35] while she's asleep i'm gonna fuck my mom yo we covered my turds in flower
[00:34:40] and we're gonna fucking throw him at my mom
[00:34:44] it's a treasure trove of mid-Atlantic accent because they're all from west
[00:34:49] Chester yeah so they all talked like shit how did he get rich they they did
[00:34:54] ck y well cky and fucking Knoxville and stevo teamed up
[00:35:00] and that's what created jackass gotcha gotcha gotcha yeah because
[00:35:04] steve ji uh Knoxville wrote for what was it that
[00:35:07] was it was a big brother no no not but not this is a magazine some skateboard
[00:35:12] magazine yo that's right jones was a trans world
[00:35:16] yeah it wasn't trans world it was it was a different skateboard magazine but
[00:35:19] they he did a piece and then steve always just a rodeo clown i forget he got
[00:35:23] how he got roped into it did you read that um have you seen his
[00:35:27] special we talked about his stand-up special no but i mean i i've heard from
[00:35:31] people that he purchases the same way we mick foley does which is like i'm
[00:35:34] not a comic you know but there's these are venues where i can go around
[00:35:38] right but it's so far the stand-up especially as like
[00:35:41] he'll like do like four minutes and then he'll just like
[00:35:44] smash a full beer can over his head like it's like
[00:35:47] it's pranks it's like mitts and then in between he'll just like
[00:35:51] staples balls or something i mean you know there's a funny as shit dude
[00:35:55] yeah it's so good um bamajera's live show is yeah we're gonna call me an
[00:35:59] envelope now i'm gonna mail it to april
[00:36:02] we're gonna fucking mail it to april a whole club is gonna watch me
[00:36:05] his boy died dude ryan done yeah dude one of my favorite tweets after that was
[00:36:10] uh it was uh somebody tweeted uh hi i'm ryan done and this is driving to a car
[00:36:20] what's the tweeting about how he's fucked up and gonna drive
[00:36:24] i think his last tweet they literally like well and then all those jackass
[00:36:28] guys were like hurt that they're i mean yeah you can be hurt but like they got
[00:36:31] mad when people were making fun of it oh yeah there's like one of those
[00:36:34] roasts somebody makes a joke yeah we humor yeah zoom in on steve ocephis
[00:36:39] yeah it looks like a dog that's what you put down yeah
[00:36:42] yeah what was the joke it was like something like
[00:36:45] uh probably about him being dead also i thought i was like that
[00:36:48] i thought you know when shoomer was like that was her thing when she was like
[00:36:51] real fucking mean and edgy yeah roast dash she used to be in a pro dude and
[00:36:54] she she would be fine right now if she just continued down that path and
[00:36:58] didn't fucking throw people under the bus and embrace the
[00:37:00] whole like shame culture bullshit but it was so big now that's part of the
[00:37:04] rant yeah she didn't have to be like hilly
[00:37:06] fucking have to be fucking uh tina fe rejected that shit
[00:37:10] yeah you know plenty of people did i think they trist rocked it
[00:37:13] rusted upon you if you're like a woman like that and you're like tempted to
[00:37:16] like just really well there's more pressure for women to do it than there
[00:37:20] is men to be like a fucking woke person but
[00:37:22] they're gonna fucking come for you and they have for me you know yeah
[00:37:26] but she's fine she's fucking doing movement oh yeah it should be rich forever
[00:37:30] we're gonna take a dump in amy's car yeah
[00:37:33] yeah we're gonna make amy say the end word to april
[00:37:37] and then we're gonna fucking send a tape to Leslie Jones
[00:37:41] hey this is this is bam marjara 2017 did they like molest him or something
[00:37:46] why is he so mean to his parents they seem like good
[00:37:49] barry because because that's the shit that's funny to fucking 12-year-olds
[00:37:53] yeah and because when you're 12 years old and you're watching that show
[00:37:55] you're like bam rules yeah he put a fucking a half pipe in the house
[00:38:00] yeah it is that as an 11-year-old you're like this is
[00:38:03] fucking awesome yeah yeah but he's like a fucking 35-year-old man
[00:38:06] yeah right imagine what that he's like not holding up really well
[00:38:09] oh he looks horrible yeah i'm fucking bloated
[00:38:11] as i imagine you got a show and the premise is you live with your parents
[00:38:15] still yeah and you're trying to show you how cool you are
[00:38:18] yeah you're just gonna end up looking at being as fat as fucking film right yeah
[00:38:21] he's just slapping his fat father in the stomach while the first time you see
[00:38:26] that he's fucking funny very very funny yeah
[00:38:28] yeah good bit i don't know i just don't think it's funny to disrespect your
[00:38:32] parents same you know my my children you
[00:38:37] learned there's certain rules you know there's rooms you don't go into in the
[00:38:41] house right that your father's nazi memorabilia
[00:38:44] plus your uncle fox kids yeah i think it kind of should be mean to
[00:38:50] don vio he's the one he loved the most that was the fucking child molester
[00:38:55] but just the fattest goofy looking motherfucker
[00:38:57] he had a good read on people he had he needed one of those scooters to get
[00:39:01] around that i feel like they should reboot firing line with bam
[00:39:04] marjera what's firing line it was like a public uh uh uh
[00:39:09] you know like uh i guess not charlie rose but like a panel show okay like
[00:39:13] mclaughlin group oh yeah dude yeah he's the moderator
[00:39:17] yeah but it was like the longest running one like the dick have a show
[00:39:21] uh no that's just a talk show oh isn't it yeah but he would have like the dick
[00:39:26] have version the dick have version uh yeah you had to have a nice i like
[00:39:34] uh did you guys see the live is he alive yeah he's about the how about the
[00:39:39] tranny grifford show now we're talking about that yeah
[00:39:42] now we're getting somewhere um what were you gonna say adam
[00:39:46] uh i had a joke i wanted to do about uh trans world skateboard magazine and
[00:39:51] calen jennifer but yeah that's good yeah that's
[00:39:55] i don't get it what do you mean yes i gave up
[00:39:58] i don't like 30 minutes ago it wouldn't make
[00:40:02] hell yeah oh fuck what happened to skateboard you see
[00:40:07] that video tony auk where he's like i'm 49 years old and i'm going to land the
[00:40:10] 900 again oh yeah and then it's just like
[00:40:13] 20 minutes of him smashing his fucking head against the ground and then he
[00:40:16] finally does it and he's like let's fucking go home
[00:40:18] it's pretty nice dude what is this a fucking commercial for
[00:40:22] 30 about matt hoffman oh dude that shit is hilarious
[00:40:25] and his family's like did we watch that dude please no he's like i watch it with
[00:40:29] my mom actually yeah yeah it's hilarious and he's all
[00:40:32] them is like please don't you don't need to jump this bicycle over this ramp you
[00:40:35] have a family to raise you know and he's like i'm gonna fucking do it yeah
[00:40:40] and then you why they have footage of it he rides the the the bicycle up the
[00:40:44] ramp nice and then he falls on the ground and cracks his skull open it's like
[00:40:49] shit he was in a coma for the next seven
[00:40:52] jeez he's right yeah he can't like he's
[00:40:55] he's he's radically died like four times yeah god damn he's just dragging his
[00:40:59] family through yeah yeah because he's like yeah i just got
[00:41:02] a good nor well it was so funny i remember watching that and it was right
[00:41:05] around the time that dave mirror died and it was like
[00:41:08] it wasn't the other guy yeah what i didn't even know dave mirror died
[00:41:13] guys died yeah like duh you know yeah you know
[00:41:17] you know people growing up who were like uh like trying to get sponsored
[00:41:21] oh yeah yeah everybody i know everyone everyone pretended they were
[00:41:24] sponsored yeah you could land one kickflip you're like yeah i'm trying to get
[00:41:28] fucking sponsored by vollcom yeah i was like sponsored for beating off by
[00:41:32] vollcom when we were talking about reading rainbow earlier i was thinking
[00:41:36] about beating off rainbow no wait hold on beating off
[00:41:39] bow that was it beating off bow take a look at a porno book
[00:41:45] beating off bow and it's teach kids about jacking off that's pretty good
[00:41:49] yeah butterfly in this guy i can come twice is i
[00:41:56] i never watched that shit dude reading is gay yeah well no that's i felt
[00:42:00] tight because you get some water dude i was like pbs pretty bullshit that's
[00:42:04] the premise of that show was reading a super gay yeah it's for kids yeah
[00:42:09] no the cool kid shows to watch were like uh
[00:42:12] ran a stimpy uh fucking Terminator uh south park
[00:42:16] south park that was a movie porn stern on e-commerce fucking hardcore
[00:42:21] pornography racist uh pornography yeah two race guns fighting
[00:42:26] trying to the will yeah uh birth of a nation that was my
[00:42:31] my movie growing up with birth of an eight rapid gun point
[00:42:38] yeah that was footage of soldiers at iraq gang raping sus video of uh of uh
[00:42:43] of uh those uh uh cha-chins uh sticking a combat knife underneath the
[00:42:51] sawing through it above a pile of rocks that was my that i watched that more
[00:42:56] ice yeah see my cereal the nick berg video racist beheadings
[00:43:02] uh yeah my hotel execution why had a special type of apple jackson on the
[00:43:06] back here to connect the dots and drum mohammed
[00:43:11] i gotta tell you nothing has gotten me quite as hard as
[00:43:14] drawing a really beautiful picture of mohammed
[00:43:17] yeah i mean i was trying to do a fucking joke for like
[00:43:20] months last year and it's it's like funny in my head but it just
[00:43:23] bombed every time i did it live about going to a police sketch artist and just
[00:43:27] describing mohammed it's funny right but i just fucking just
[00:43:31] frowns all around i don't know if that's me or just audiences or
[00:43:34] impersonated no that's hilarious no it's the audience
[00:43:37] it's always the audience the thing is is like even if you're the shittiest
[00:43:40] comedian in the world you're probably still a better comedy audience member
[00:43:44] than the majority of like comedy audiences so
[00:43:47] it's always the audience yeah you know it did seem it seemed like one of those
[00:43:51] things where people were like this is okay right it's just like
[00:43:55] rampant what i like this is a big inconsistency i like to point out is
[00:43:58] so people are flabbergasted that they could be offended that you could draw
[00:44:02] a mohammed like well how could you get offended
[00:44:04] yet here we're not allowed to draw swastikas in the library
[00:44:08] they ask you to leave they ask you to replace
[00:44:11] all those copies of the sorcerer's stone
[00:44:16] and i said i only drew it on seven pages
[00:44:19] and it's not even permanent marker it's only drew it on pages 14 yeah i did
[00:44:22] in gel pens so you have to reverse me for the ink from my gel pens my
[00:44:27] milky pens you have to do a flip book to even make it all come together
[00:44:31] you know no one's gonna see that shit i want all my fucking stickers back
[00:44:37] i've all my lisa frang stickers that i drew out swastikas with
[00:44:41] the copy and sorcerer stone i'm never this is why library sucked dude yeah
[00:44:44] dude yeah it's 1984 man i used to love that shit you know we go there play
[00:44:51] you know what i mean yeah that's that poor kid shit dude before we had
[00:44:54] video games mom just take us there and shoot and then we go shop at the
[00:44:57] bullshit like that fake grocery store where you got cereal and like
[00:45:01] in bags 40 pound bags great value the great
[00:45:07] store got everything the new just dog food the meat was so bad dude
[00:45:12] at those grocery stores the meat was just horrendous
[00:45:16] it was so fucking like dollar stores and shit right huh
[00:45:19] it was like a dollar it was like a dollar it was like a dollar it's the
[00:45:22] grocery stores where they don't have like the floor is finished
[00:45:26] yeah it's just rare concrete no dude cost goes nice
[00:45:30] yeah well that's like a membership because they save money and they also pay
[00:45:33] their employees real well yeah cost was a good company that's why
[00:45:36] they can't afford the floors no yeah there's like grocery stores were half
[00:45:39] the shit is still in a cardboard box yeah exactly yeah there were no
[00:45:43] there were no bags the most depressing grocery store i've ever been in my
[00:45:47] entire life is it murdle and fucking uh it's like
[00:45:49] murdle and through or murdle and like you go up you there's a fucking awful
[00:45:54] smell there's like a hum everything's like set up
[00:45:57] where you can only enter and exit one way so there's oh i hate that shit yeah yeah
[00:46:02] yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sort of but it's
[00:46:05] feels like a prison yeah yeah there's like barbed wire around the cat food
[00:46:10] well yeah yeah someone's got to keep those fucking cat
[00:46:15] moms out of there still your dog and cats dude they come in and get a little
[00:46:19] fucking on the old commando headbands you've been to the uh
[00:46:23] the white castle on murdle oh yeah uh i went there alone is that closed
[00:46:28] no no no the one i love the one over by legion closed but this one down here
[00:46:31] is open i was uh riding my bike home from some bar there
[00:46:34] night or whatever and uh i stopped there because i had uh
[00:46:38] i was shitting blood for a while i didn't i didn't i didn't take your lights
[00:46:42] i was just rampantly shitting what was diverticulitis it's like these weird
[00:46:46] fissures that form and you're colon but like people get after 40 but i'm
[00:46:50] fucking 30 she's got it for like pbr and shit
[00:46:54] and they get infected and then you use shit blood it's really fucking gross
[00:46:58] nice uh yeah i got all cleared up uh kind of
[00:47:01] so i i but i didn't know what was happening so i was just like fucking
[00:47:04] having to run to the bathroom real bad a lot and uh i was riding my bike from
[00:47:08] flat bush 45 minutes so i see white castle in the middle of
[00:47:12] night it's like this you know bright glowing white building and i'm
[00:47:15] almost kind of hungry so i go in there and i'm like
[00:47:18] all right so you're like so you're shitting blood and you're like i could
[00:47:20] get a little fucking white castle i don't know what this now but the deal is you
[00:47:24] have to buy something and then i'll use this restroom right right so i order
[00:47:26] some food and then i'm like can i have the little fucking beat boop you know
[00:47:30] the fucking spy passcode for the bathroom to get in
[00:47:34] and i opened the bathroom and it's like you're seeing train spotting
[00:47:38] yeah the worst toilet in skylinder is we just shit all the wall
[00:47:42] yeah dude that happened to me i went into the
[00:47:45] fucking bathroom and the mcdonald's on dolancy
[00:47:48] and uh you have to put in a quarter so it's not even some
[00:47:51] monasteries that's a big old and i go in there dude
[00:47:54] not only was there shit all over the toilet in the seat which i'm fine
[00:47:57] that's happened it's new york you know there's gonna be there was blood
[00:48:01] there was fucking somebody like cut those there
[00:48:03] half an hour before yeah yeah i was fucking blood all over the seat in the
[00:48:08] floor and it's like get your fucking shit together dude
[00:48:16] you can't even shit in the toilet you know like that well like i just need a job
[00:48:20] no you need to learn shitting your asshole aim at
[00:48:24] the imprudible you're gonna be what like in an office and people just gonna
[00:48:28] talk about oh what used to be homeless so
[00:48:31] you know they got him a haircut and you know he knows how to not steal from the
[00:48:35] register anymore but it's like some uplifting will smith movie
[00:48:39] yeah right it's a teach the gosh shit the pursuit of the
[00:48:42] pursuit of the uh not shitting pursuit of crappiness
[00:48:45] yeah right here we are yeah so did you shit in there dude
[00:48:50] no so i couldn't i just i i was i couldn't bring myself to do it so then i went
[00:48:53] back out and they gave me my food so then i just sat there with this like
[00:48:57] disgusting white castle food no i just couldn't stop thinking about the
[00:49:01] fucking horrific scene i just saw like trying to eat it
[00:49:04] wall having to shit really bad and almost just want to throw up
[00:49:08] horrible then i just fucking threw the food away i went home
[00:49:11] uh did you make it home do you shoot your pants uh
[00:49:14] i made it home nice yeah i also i saw this on the way home
[00:49:18] yeah i saw i just i was on a bike like it was real cold
[00:49:22] it's like i didn't like stop i just saw this you were seen uh into the mouth of
[00:49:25] madness no yeah uh remember that that weird scene
[00:49:28] with that guy on the bicycle that's the same needle movie right
[00:49:30] uh huh yeah that weird fucking just passing in the night
[00:49:33] ghostly guy on a bicycle yeah yeah all right so i
[00:49:36] that's such a weird movie dude oh yeah it's so it's like the movie where john
[00:49:39] carpenter just went way too far with shitty special effects
[00:49:42] uh what the fuck happened to you it is ridiculous he made all the
[00:49:46] guitar solos himself yeah yeah yeah jelly a dude well he's a
[00:49:50] he's a great like musician yeah i mean that's not a fucking carpenter
[00:49:55] movie is the score and they're great you know i mean christine is fucking
[00:49:59] amazing for the we just rewatched christine the other night
[00:50:02] well i like to purchase this as a tax right
[00:50:05] yeah anyway so i saw these two like his acidic
[00:50:12] jews right and this is like middle of fucking nowhere brook what do people
[00:50:15] specify his acidic jews well because they had that you're going to be talking
[00:50:18] about his acidic coptic christian yeah yeah yeah
[00:50:21] house deeds all right i'm acidic muslim
[00:50:25] well i that's right i shouldn't assume they could have been
[00:50:28] just dressed what's the deal with call saying the whole thing
[00:50:32] yeah jerry bits yeah sorry i'm not cutting off for any reason this is just
[00:50:37] how i like kill time on the show yeah no i just by making someone else's story
[00:50:41] take forty five i read you loud and clear man all sisters
[00:50:45] this is not really going anywhere except it doesn't do that in real life so
[00:50:48] yeah no i don't add the show not to everybody just you dude that's part of
[00:50:51] you i have a picture you're like adam come on
[00:50:54] i'm only for the purposes of show business you're a guest no one knows what it's like
[00:51:00] to be a fair kid to be a fair white man
[00:51:10] it's like no one knows what it's like why aren't there any
[00:51:17] like alt right guys who are like beautiful ass area motherfuck and you know what's
[00:51:21] fucked up is those guys don't have any kind of guilt
[00:51:24] if you're like some beautiful handsome you know Nordic whatever blue i
[00:51:28] you're not like fuck dude i'm the worst one yeah
[00:51:31] they don't have that they're like yeah we have to make a house out of legos
[00:51:35] you know eat the raw fish i've been to i key a three times
[00:51:41] what are these what are these hot seats doing jake oh
[00:51:45] okay so uh one of them's walking the other one like they're both like
[00:51:50] six foot tall full grown men one of them's just up on the other guy's shoulders
[00:51:53] like a toddler and he's just got his arms out like
[00:51:56] mecha shiva style like i just fucking was like i'm going too
[00:52:00] fast i can't turn around like ask them what this is yeah
[00:52:03] but it was like spooky as fuck wait sorry they were doing like piggy
[00:52:07] back rides yeah but on top of the other one shoulders like acrobats like a
[00:52:12] full yeah that's like a dancing that's like a thing other pricing they're
[00:52:15] dancing yeah yeah maybe they had to go to a button it's called
[00:52:22] don't go around looking for pennies yeah yeah
[00:52:26] don't a bunch of hossies like fuck uh shnaz time a bunch of them knows time
[00:52:31] fuck uh trans uh hookers really yeah that makes sense
[00:52:35] it makes sense why if you repress your sexuality to that degree that's you
[00:52:39] have to it just explodes yeah you're also you know it's like it's like the
[00:52:43] veterans that come back and they pretend like they don't have PTSD
[00:52:46] and they just don't get it treated and then eventually they fucking go on a
[00:52:50] killing spree they're also separated from women
[00:52:53] for like until they get married so they definitely have like latent
[00:52:57] homosexuality so if they fuck hookers you know do you think they suck each other
[00:53:01] off and shit yeah they're what we talked about this before there's that
[00:53:04] documentary about yeah yeah yeah that's about gay
[00:53:06] hossids nice um do you're about the guy that went
[00:53:09] rogue in new york like a few years ago and they threw bleach in his face
[00:53:13] no what happened oh he tried to leave yeah well he started exposing like you
[00:53:17] know these like crazy sex all the molestation shit
[00:53:20] with your fucking bleach in his face damn is your right
[00:53:23] was eyebrows look amazing it's moustache completely hidden
[00:53:29] they bleach him and he's like ah and then he like looks up and he's so good
[00:53:33] beautiful area now he's leela it's like squidward
[00:53:39] room in episode of SpongeBob where they make him sexy shit my only
[00:53:42] exposure to SpongeBob is through black memes yeah there's a good there's a
[00:53:45] lot of people love SpongeBob it's crazy first of all SpongeBob's great they
[00:53:49] love Arthur and they love you didn't you know that
[00:53:53] I don't even if they love Dudley Moore Arthur it's like what yeah yeah I know
[00:53:56] about this when you get lost between the moon and New York City
[00:54:02] I've never seen that one I know it's crazy the best that you be do
[00:54:18] yeah I've only seen the I've only seen the remake with
[00:54:21] Christopher Cross with uh with Christopher Cross hot take Russell
[00:54:24] the greatest musician of all yeah he's great dude I love just how
[00:54:34] like what a fat piece of shitty is I think the best musician you're just
[00:54:39] wearing like we're in cotton pants and slippers
[00:54:42] all those guys that make that like ultra romantic adult contemporary just
[00:54:46] look like Steve Bannon and shit he cleaned up Blake yeah that makes a lot of
[00:54:52] sense yeah I think it went a hundred percent maybe you still see Blake what's
[00:54:55] he up to yeah I see him around a bit he's still
[00:54:59] he just works at that fucking bar lifestyle that he just you know any of
[00:55:03] the normal human being would have had to have quit like 15 years ago it's
[00:55:06] insane like I don't really but the thing I the thing is like what he's doing is
[00:55:11] it's all based on inertia like because every once in a while I've seen him in
[00:55:14] like a moment he's like I gotta clean up I gotta quit oh he's been like that as
[00:55:18] long as I've ever known him but it'll last for like a day and he's like
[00:55:20] of course visibly like shaking he's just like vibrating and shit and he freaks
[00:55:25] out and the next time you see him he's like back to just partying what's his
[00:55:27] lifestyle the fetus lifestyle was in it being in a
[00:55:31] successful band like 25 years ago what was the band at
[00:55:35] late 99 yeah he was enslaved it looks like he's
[00:55:39] well it's Blake's original name was Dave Matthews
[00:55:44] yeah Blake was in Delamie tree and after their
[00:55:48] success and downfall he you know just continued part I mean yeah he's
[00:55:55] just well we just both moved here around the same time and we're like all right
[00:55:58] comedy right and then he just got a job at like a party bar and just like
[00:56:03] did massive amounts of cocaine he's a fat comedian like it's just got bad
[00:56:08] news right now yeah I can read every time I see him I'm like how's it going
[00:56:13] he's like great and I'm like whoa really yeah yeah either internalizes all of
[00:56:17] it or is just one of those people that doesn't like give a shit yeah I mean
[00:56:21] sometimes they think like maybe I'm wrong man maybe this way yeah yeah I
[00:56:26] Blake's never seemed like he's been depressed as long as I've known him
[00:56:29] yeah it always seems happy somebody lost his dog dude
[00:56:33] you know when it moved child care yeah yeah when child protective services
[00:56:40] canine protective services yeah the funniest shit was when Nick told me
[00:56:44] you were at a bar with Blake and he was hitting on a girl and then some other
[00:56:48] dude that oh yes some guy that like a nerdier version of Blake like
[00:56:51] cocked him some other because Blake was talking this girl for like two hours
[00:56:56] and then some other guy was like my lady my I walk you to the train and then
[00:57:00] she was like okay and then they just left and went and fucked
[00:57:08] just look at that other Homer Simpson that walks into mose
[00:57:11] yeah yeah the top hat and the fucking oh man yeah
[00:57:17] um well all right people like yeah too bad he died yeah yeah what were we
[00:57:22] talking about before that Christopher Cross Christopher Cross cross
[00:57:25] I was a story about Jewish shit yeah I go for it Mike wait can I interject
[00:57:31] this I did ever tell that story about the seeing the the histic fire department
[00:57:36] and laughing about I think so would say it again laughing about that his seed
[00:57:41] fire department showing up to a fire like uh uh not so much water Jacob
[00:57:47] a little bit less perhaps expensive water you know he's a garden hose
[00:57:54] he's stepping on he's yeah I think it easy with all the water you're using
[00:57:59] it yeah what's your Jew story Mike's my sister was engaged to a Jewish guy and
[00:58:08] uh he took me to uh I can't remember which holiday it was one of
[00:58:12] the dance around with the Torah and uh Halloween that's a Halloween yeah it was
[00:58:18] a store with just a ghost on the front uh yeah and uh he was like
[00:58:27] hate like under his breath like come over here you know you're kind of like
[00:58:32] swarthy look at like just like yeah just hold it and dance for a little bit
[00:58:35] really funny you know and uh I'm not Jewish my half Mexican and shit
[00:58:41] yeah you know it was Mexican Jews yeah but I'm not yeah um
[00:58:45] and the trick is if the the name ends with a Z that's how you know they're
[00:58:49] yeah actually I looked that up I might be like in the part Jew like somewhere
[00:58:54] back there but I don't know like a practice yeah you got a couple of Z's in
[00:58:57] there mhm couple of Z's you fall asleep all the time you know
[00:59:01] yeah that was gonna say that's why Mexicans love putting Z's in
[00:59:05] you know it's like I'm like talking to him about after it's like I was
[00:59:11] funny that was kind of a goof you know like you think they would get mad
[00:59:14] you know and he's like they'd get pretty mad but if they if they if a woman
[00:59:17] danced with this fucking thing they would kill it like
[00:59:20] like so unfair like why does it slap on the wrist if I'm
[00:59:26] openly bashing your religion here um that's just awesome dude yeah
[00:59:32] religious tight especially when they treat the way they treat yeah I saw
[00:59:35] I saw a fucking uh like two acidic women on the train and one of them had
[00:59:39] her like you know pocket tour or whatever and she's reading it
[00:59:42] and she's like you know mouthing all of the words like bobbing up and down
[00:59:45] to it and in my head I just started like doing like
[00:59:48] lose yourself in the bowl that was a good laugh for me
[00:59:52] dude I want to save one I want to save a hossy acidic one with her
[00:59:57] her wig I want to read she would she would never leave the church again
[01:00:02] huh if you have she if that was trying to dick her down good yeah
[01:00:05] sort of the way of fucking you know what what a secular life dude
[01:00:10] yeah I got this secular dick for that ass well what you should go do is hang
[01:00:14] out and like landcast or pennsylvania and get all this rum spring
[01:00:18] you're telling me yeah dude girls gone rum spring now we're talking dude let's
[01:00:22] go let's go to fucking marketing I love I love going on which markets are
[01:00:25] making eye contact with the women yeah that is my favorite shit to do just
[01:00:29] as long as just hold eye contact as long as you can
[01:00:33] which is the type of sexual assault probably
[01:00:37] you know it's definitely crossing a boundary
[01:00:43] but but you know maybe I'm just grateful about how good their soft
[01:00:46] pretzels are yeah they do have great fried chicken holy shit dude
[01:00:49] great food is amazing great fried chicken great toffee
[01:00:52] which is weird because it's like it makes me think like you know
[01:00:55] people talk about like how hard it must have been to live in the 1800s it's
[01:00:59] like it seems like the food was amazing but did you get it though that's all
[01:01:03] you have in your life is fucking food so they would make food the taste of
[01:01:06] no they were like making grueling shit day to day no you know actually
[01:01:10] in uh it's all pretzels in in the late 1800s if you made it out of
[01:01:15] like it would be not accounting for like the the mortality rate of children
[01:01:21] and like pregnant women or whatever yeah women having children if you take
[01:01:25] that out people had the same like lifespans they do now really
[01:01:29] you weren't a woman or were never a child
[01:01:32] yeah because because they're diets were great because they had nothing but
[01:01:36] like fucking beats right right now they they they didn't like yeah it was like
[01:01:40] and there's no fucking you were getting cancer for yourself the best the best
[01:01:44] the best thing for you for like longevity is like calorie restriction
[01:01:48] more than anything i don't know man i went to a
[01:01:50] taco bell in that part of the country one time they asked me if i want ranch
[01:01:53] dressing like shitty tacos that sounds pretty good dude
[01:01:57] this is disgusting well cancer is anytime you eat anything i mean there's a
[01:02:01] chemical process happening in your body and you increase the risk for cell
[01:02:05] mutation free radicals and anything that can cause cancer
[01:02:09] so if you could perfect your body by doing nothing but cocaine all the time
[01:02:14] so you don't need food you would live forever
[01:02:17] yeah just be a cocaine vampire i think we discovered Blake's secret oh yeah
[01:02:22] you've been fighting me i suppose you just off pussy juice alone
[01:02:25] at this place when i'm trying to get an IV yeah i have just an IV of food
[01:02:29] juice yeah and i i v a g i n a you're the wristband if you're the hospital
[01:02:34] like a medical alert bracelet i wanted to get one of those for the
[01:02:39] NYC Guido voice account just have like uh get a couple of them and you know
[01:02:43] once it would say like diabetes and then say high blood pressure
[01:02:46] i told you about this idea yeah because you were gonna use my wrist yeah i was
[01:02:49] gonna use your fat fucking hand and wrist when is this diabetes high pressure
[01:02:53] i'm the official hands yeah yeah i'm like the
[01:02:54] yeah yeah i'm the vice by the way it was a hard
[01:02:56] pressure and then one that just says marinara and then you take a picture of
[01:02:59] the hand holding like magnum condoms and it just says
[01:03:02] only thing i use baby yeah with all the medical alert brace
[01:03:07] that's clearly visible that's very good that was the idea
[01:03:10] we'll do it i don't know i remember going to the place and seeing how much the
[01:03:13] medical alert bracelets cost how much although i was broke at the time
[01:03:17] not a lot dude they were in fucking cheap at all
[01:03:19] what like five bucks no they were more than that they were like 1520
[01:03:23] what yeah just go to the hospital because you're
[01:03:26] shooting blood yeah and give a fake name yeah and they're
[01:03:29] saying i think i'm allergic to marinara if you put that on the medical alert
[01:03:33] bracelet dude it's worth it that's a write-off dude yeah dude
[01:03:38] yeah i only use magnums too so i have a lot in common yeah you can write off
[01:03:46] what if you went to like the bunnies yeah yep
[01:03:49] yeah dude if it's a business trip yes it's a business trip boys yeah we got a go
[01:03:54] come town goes to come down we got our meeting with the japanese coming up
[01:03:57] that's right yeah you know how much the
[01:03:59] use of the moshim i wrote up two billion dollars in sharking expenses
[01:04:08] yeah oh man uh that'd be so funny they're just three japanese guys it looks like
[01:04:13] you guys yeah well adam looks japanese yeah the
[01:04:17] bukaki bottom dress is like a man hat in japanese boy yeah
[01:04:21] that's a compliment i think yeah you get you go you go skull cap that's like
[01:04:25] perfectly rolled so it's in a circle around your head where there's no
[01:04:29] you know grating to the back of your head and then they they were like
[01:04:34] triple excel shirts and then tight black jeans
[01:04:37] yeah they smoke cigarettes like french models and
[01:04:40] fucking go in and out of the stores on st marks you know a really weird thing
[01:04:43] is like no matter what university campus you're at in the united states
[01:04:48] there's a crew of like high-beast korean and japanese kids
[01:04:52] smoking a thousand cigarettes outside the library yeah
[01:04:55] for some reason they just send them over the united states and
[01:04:59] that's all over that video that that you see a
[01:05:01] girl they're like there's too many freaking asians in the library
[01:05:05] awesome yeah yeah that's my wife i know that's
[01:05:09] following me that's right no i'm not i i didn't mean that yeah
[01:05:13] i didn't mean that before i'm tired yeah yeah uh i was doing i was doing a
[01:05:18] satirical character based on uh someone that looks and sounds exactly like me
[01:05:26] you know those unhinged stream of consciousness rans can be really well
[01:05:30] played yeah yeah that you edit and then upload
[01:05:33] first of all nothing ever uploads to youtube properly the first time it takes
[01:05:37] nine or ten tries to get anything to upload
[01:05:41] uh what what about that girl that beat off in the library let's not forget
[01:05:45] all the great sunderelens yeah uh what's her name's
[01:05:48] something sunderelens she had some juicy jittery
[01:05:51] cat and she's been on she's been on kumi is show yeah oh she has yeah
[01:05:56] she's doing porn now she was already doing porn when that
[01:05:59] happened she's an absolute ledge absolutely she's a
[01:06:03] yeah definitely ledge yeah yeah yeah i also married that woman
[01:06:08] i fucked your wife bitch god damn it all right folks well thanks for joining
[01:06:13] us uh remember to check out jakes show i don't know if it's it was this is not
[01:06:18] gonna air for like a month oh man my podcast be up by then
[01:06:22] yeah oh listen to mr kleo it's a uh fake psychic hotline where i'm drunk
[01:06:27] hell yeah dude cool and so uh itunes or yeah it's an i-tunes okay
[01:06:31] yeah as always shit sorry i stepped on you as always funny mobs the fourth
[01:06:37] monday of the month they come on everybody yes bitch you can find us