[00:00:00] I sucked a penis and it started to come whoa whoa whoa too many inches and I'm

[00:00:06] starting to get an erection. It's a gay country by then sevenfold. Oh I thought

[00:00:16] you were doing that. Would you still call me Superman? No they're similar. Yeah.

[00:00:20] That was also me by the way not Stavros. Yeah you farted into the mic. I did.

[00:00:25] Well he's in the bathroom he's got like cancer or something. Yeah. So I was

[00:00:29] dying guys from his excellent diet that he's adopting. Yeah yeah. I'm gonna eat a

[00:00:34] fucking half a ham every day like a caveman would. And this is gonna make me lose

[00:00:40] weight. But candy and Slim Gin like a caveman that bought all his clothes at

[00:00:45] the gas station. I just need to do dinner there. I just need to adjust as many

[00:00:49] nitrates as possible. Yeah. What are fucking nitrates? You know what this is my

[00:00:54] favorite part of what it what happens on the podcast is when I just I'll tell a

[00:00:58] story which I now I've now make money off the stories that I tell. Yeah on the

[00:01:04] podcast. You're really a storyteller. Yeah. But when I get to tell a story that

[00:01:08] somebody else's story that they told me and this is one of Jake's stories it's

[00:01:13] very funny. I do that all the way you fucking cock stuff. Yeah I do that all the

[00:01:18] time it's called stealing stuff. Stop probably thinks Mexican candy is

[00:01:21] delicious. I've never had it. Really? You've never had chicken leg? It's bullshit

[00:01:25] dude. I don't know it. It's literally like chili powder and salt in a like in a

[00:01:31] little Coke bag. Oh I like to buy a this. It's not even the only one turn it into

[00:01:36] anything. I've had powder. I like the dudes that do the mangoes with chili powder

[00:01:40] lime juice. I fuck with a nice street mango. Street and I've had chocolate with

[00:01:46] fucking chili powder. That's good. The lint chocolate. That's good. Yeah dude. I

[00:01:51] remember when I was like 13 and lint chocolate I don't think it came out but

[00:01:55] I became like aware of lint chocolate. Mm-hmm. They started having it at the

[00:01:58] check out at the grocery store. Mm-hmm. And that was like yeah it's not that's

[00:02:03] decadent. I'm not fucking being gluttonous. It's a Parisian. I'm being fancy.

[00:02:08] Yeah. Is that this is I'm being continental. Yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely.

[00:02:13] Jake told this story. I know about being world. Hold on one second. What?

[00:02:16] Where are you going? Phil is by the TV. Jake for us. Yeah Jake told this story.

[00:02:23] Jake used to have a job which is probably the most Jake job you ever had.

[00:02:28] What is it like a toilet? It's like a garbage toilet that you're sitting in.

[00:02:33] No sorry. Nothing. What do you do? What is it? It used to work on a meat truck.

[00:02:37] Oh is the truck that just drove around and like was he selling meat door to

[00:02:42] the door not even like subscription meat like they would knock on people's

[00:02:45] doors and be like hey you want any you want any of these like sausages really

[00:02:50] that was a job in Texas. What? Oh wow. He jobs in Texas. Meat truck guy that kills

[00:02:57] retarded people. Yeah. Rockability bartender. Rockability bartender.

[00:03:02] Exsecution. You're never getting overtime. Number four is retarded

[00:03:05] murderer. That's it. You got to keep the pipeline full.

[00:03:11] Number five is governor. Everyone takes turns being governor and they get

[00:03:16] that's cute. They get the final say on on whether or not to kill over it. They

[00:03:21] strap the retarded guy into the chair and he's like can I go home? Did he rip

[00:03:25] your home? They're like you get one more chance and then he pulls the lever and

[00:03:30] then that thing spins around and lands on like a cow or a cow goes whoa.

[00:03:37] They're like that means no. And then they get scared by the animals.

[00:03:42] And then they get scared by the animals.

[00:03:43] And then they send 500 volts of poison electricity in his veins. Didn't Rick Perry

[00:03:47] change it? We're like the Texas. Oh yeah. We're used to work on a meat truck.

[00:03:53] And he was being tutored by the guy on the meat truck in the art of meat

[00:04:01] delivery. Sure. So this is just doing. They're not going to go like supermarket

[00:04:07] they're not going. Yeah. The whole sale or the door selling me. Okay. Okay. Nice.

[00:04:11] And yeah. So they he brings Jake to the door and this is old couple and they're

[00:04:18] selling meats to this old woman. She's like now did these steak 70 nitrates in

[00:04:23] them because my cousin my husband has a heart condition and he can't have

[00:04:26] nitrates and like ma'am absolutely not these are 100% nitrate free. And then

[00:04:31] she was like oh that's amazing. He's like great. And they're like walking away

[00:04:35] and fucking Jake's like this really nitrate free steaks. And he's like oh yeah

[00:04:40] no this is going to kill those old those. This is regular steaks but this is part

[00:04:49] of being a salesman. Oh yeah. The art of the deal. Yeah. I remember when I

[00:04:54] when I lived at home in Baltimore for a year before I lived with my boys I

[00:05:01] would my mom would send me shopping sometime and she'd be like well make sure

[00:05:05] to get nitrate free lunch meats for grandma and it's like come on man which

[00:05:12] you got four years top left. You know what I mean we have to spend the the

[00:05:16] extra shit. Let it go out eating the good shit. Yeah. Lunchables. Lunchables.

[00:05:21] Let's put grandma on those little lunchable ham circles. Those are just made out of

[00:05:25] nitrates. I don't know what that is but yeah I don't know what nitrates are either.

[00:05:29] I think it's like a. It's like no. It's like what they use the shooting

[00:05:33] Capri Sun that makes you turn into a silver. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:05:37] Turns you're half pipe. Do you know how mad I was when I was six and I didn't

[00:05:43] turn silver when I drank a capri Sun. Oh absolutely. All those commercials

[00:05:47] like all this shitty food will make you better at being like a cool kid. Extreme

[00:05:52] athletes. Yeah. Just got like fatter and more of a mountain to his whole whole

[00:05:56] market where orange sweat suits. Yeah. The whole in the crotch. Hell yeah dude. I had a

[00:06:01] green shit with an alien on the front. Yeah dude. I had a. I had a. I would wear

[00:06:06] orange sweat pants. Yeah. And then I had like orange sneakers. Oh yeah. For a

[00:06:11] brief period. These orange new balances. Mm hmm. And then I would wear orange hoodie

[00:06:16] with like flames on it. Very nice. That's cool dude. Yeah. Very nice. Wow. I didn't

[00:06:22] wear jeans until I was 16 years old. Dude. I remember I discovered my life when I

[00:06:27] was like a freshman in high school which was like jeans and black hoodie and then

[00:06:33] like sneakers and it's like oh you can just look like a normal person. Yeah. Just

[00:06:38] put on jeans and hoodie. Which is ironically like that was like the

[00:06:41] comedian outfit. Right. Back then. So I think that's why I got into comedy. It's

[00:06:45] just like more jeans. You saw adults wearing those clothes. Yeah. They all just

[00:06:49] happened to be at open mics. Yeah. I remember it was weird because I started

[00:06:53] going to open mics and I was like 16 and everyone else was like you know

[00:06:56] comedian age. So 23 to 28 you know. Yeah. Like level comedian. And they would all

[00:07:02] wear like khakis with buttoned down shirts tucked in. And I remember thinking

[00:07:05] they were like oh these are like adults with serious lives. Right. Yeah. They'll

[00:07:09] and I had a trade. And that age. And now I'm older than most of those guys were

[00:07:13] and I've never had a job where I would you know go to an open mic dress like

[00:07:18] that. Yeah. That shit sucks. Yeah. You see people. I used to I mean I used to in DC.

[00:07:22] I was a paralegal and I would just and that's also when I was fat as shit and

[00:07:26] I was the shit and I would just come through with the fucking the 3 XL fucking

[00:07:32] big and tall. Like flannels and the fucking dress pants with like oh yeah

[00:07:39] meets the dress pants with the fucking elastic waistband. Yeah. It was my

[00:07:44] favorite dude. Just going to the big and tall part of my life was just that was

[00:07:49] a tough time bro. The more is hard working Schneider years. Well you're big

[00:07:53] dude. I guess you're not very tall. We already said that on the last one. Yeah.

[00:07:57] Yeah. I was bringing it back. We'll call back. Yeah. First we have fuck that dude.

[00:08:00] Big and tall. You go into a big and tall. All the models are just tall guys.

[00:08:04] Yeah. They're not that big. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're the fucking the cute fat boys.

[00:08:08] Yeah. Put me on there. Let me model some fucking big and tall. I love that fat

[00:08:11] boy when you're a little kid is Husky. Husky. It's like a cute name for it.

[00:08:16] Yeah. I'm going to start saying my. Yeah. What happened Husky? I remember

[00:08:20] Husky. Husky is my shit. That shit was great. I love the whole.

[00:08:24] It's your shit. I was a Husky boy and I remember saying it. My mom was so

[00:08:28] good like nice and cute. She was like making me proud of the

[00:08:32] adjective Husky and I went to school and I was like I'm a Husky. You're fat.

[00:08:37] I was so fucking sad. That day that Husky turned into I found out what it

[00:08:43] really meant. Yeah. No, I thought it was strong. I used to love that shit. My

[00:08:46] family would be like, oh, he eats a lot because he's growing. Yeah, just didn't

[00:08:49] grow. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. I just sort of just like a fat person that

[00:08:54] became a small person. Yeah. I still have that attitude. I was I was

[00:08:58] put my fucking dumb ass doctor told me like my growth charts. I was going to be

[00:09:02] six five. Did he? Yeah. Me and that's all me and eldest my roommate who

[00:09:08] fucking is six six or whatever. He's like six five six six with the fucker growth

[00:09:12] charts. I feel like I never went to the doctor as a kid. You probably didn't.

[00:09:15] Yeah. Yeah. I never had any of this shit done. I remember my mom repeatedly

[00:09:21] telling me when I was growing up that like you're going to be five one and gay.

[00:09:27] But I'm okay with that. My mom would like preempt me being a sexual

[00:09:30] what she would like, you know, if you're gay, I don't have a problem. She catch that

[00:09:34] kid. Like I'm like seven. Is that why she said it? No, my mom's just weird.

[00:09:39] You bring him to you being gay. Yeah. She's like, you know, if you're gay, I

[00:09:43] wouldn't have any problem. That's all right. I'd be five incredible details.

[00:09:46] Yeah. Just keep leaking. Every seven episodes we get to get a small little tidbit.

[00:09:52] Yeah. We're figuring out Nick through like echo location through shitty things

[00:09:56] is bullshit. It doesn't matter. We'll just putting these together. I think my

[00:10:00] mom just wanted to like have like a fucking like a cool gender queer, you

[00:10:05] know, like hippie, son or whatever. Like she went on with little she'd be like,

[00:10:10] don't cut your hair. You have such beautiful hair. You go to stores and

[00:10:13] people would be like, and what a beautiful little girl with a vagina. It's a five

[00:10:18] year old that has a pussy. It's gonna bleed one day. And I'm like, no, I don't.

[00:10:22] I'm like, yes, you do. I just wanted air cut so bad. The first time I got like a

[00:10:27] fucking a crew cut when I was in like first or second grade, it was like the

[00:10:31] most liberating shit. Oh, yeah, dude. I was cool. Finally. Dude. Had a cool haircut.

[00:10:36] Dog the bowl. The bowl was my shit. Dude, I had a bowl. I had a bowl haircuts until

[00:10:42] probably I was like 13. Yeah. I had a bowl like a couple months ago.

[00:10:46] Excellent. Yeah. When I got it cut. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember. I didn't I didn't

[00:10:52] back. I didn't have I never went to like a nicer barbershop than the hair cuttery until

[00:10:57] I was 25 years old. Mm hmm. Oh, no, my mom was really embarrassing. She

[00:11:02] take me to her girl. I'd have to go to sell on fuck. We used to go. There's this

[00:11:07] fucking Greek guy who talked like fucking Oh, man, I forgot about this guy. I thought

[00:11:13] my whole life this guy was gay. He was like, five one, just open fucking silk

[00:11:19] shirts every day. He had a perm a balding perm. He was like, he would talk like

[00:11:24] Dr. Nick. And I was just like, Oh, man, it's so cool. I was like, man. And when I was

[00:11:29] like a teenager, I was like, man, it's pretty cool that like he was my dad's friend,

[00:11:32] Cristo. And I was like, Hey, mom, it's pretty cool that dad has a gay friend. She's like,

[00:11:37] Oh, that guy's not gay. He was like, yeah, he he he like cheats on his wife and fucks

[00:11:41] all the like women he has the works all four. Not only is my dad not progressive, the

[00:11:48] only gay guy I thought was just a fucking another dirt back. We're like for 400

[00:11:52] homes. You can fuck your way into being gay. Huge zone, Hanvad. Yeah. There was,

[00:11:58] oh, yeah. When I worked at GameStop, there was like, maybe he was gay. Everyone else

[00:12:02] that worked there. Everyone else that worked there was like a GameStop guy. Right? Yeah,

[00:12:08] which is like white man, alpha male who fucks. Yeah. Yeah. White guys that are like, they

[00:12:14] kind of suck and you know, like me, I guess, like a GameStop guy. Yeah. And then like that

[00:12:21] laughing stock manager bill, I told that guy is sure he is. And then the assistant manager,

[00:12:25] John, who I didn't get into as much, but was also very funny. Also the professional thieves

[00:12:30] guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, that wasn't those were the same guy. I assumed it was the same guy.

[00:12:36] So the guy who shit his pants and drove from Bel Air to Silver Spring every fucking day.

[00:12:41] This is not the guy who was a professional. It was stealing. What was a game game? Game

[00:12:46] boy. Yeah. But the two of them were very concerned and the John was the one that goes,

[00:12:51] uh, that's just probably the work of a professional thief. I almost had to leave the store to laugh

[00:12:58] at that guy. I can't believe that. What was, so what was John's John Warren, Indiana Jones

[00:13:03] hat? I swear to God, I thought that was him. No, no, I thought it was bald. No, it was

[00:13:07] bald and had a goatee. I mean, it's easy to conflate them for story sake, right? Right,

[00:13:11] right, right. Ha ha ha. A guy that works at GameStop and is a fucking loser. Right, right,

[00:13:16] right. My favorite moment was like, we were all out on the loading dock smoking cigarettes.

[00:13:22] And it was, I was, I was only ever the holidays. It was like a temp job. Cause you know, I think

[00:13:26] GameStop, they might still do it, but employees get like 25% off everything. Damn during the

[00:13:31] holidays. Whoa, whoa. So I was like, yeah, I'll just work at GameStop. Yeah, I remember

[00:13:34] that seasonal shit, like, literally just for the discount. Yeah. And we're sending out

[00:13:40] back and fucking bills like, guys, I just want to, I got some great news for you. And

[00:13:46] he's like, listing like stores and the numbers that they did. And like our store, he's like

[00:13:51] our store, $1.2 million in sales. Whatever the number was, some ridiculous number. And

[00:13:59] then fucking John's like, smoking a cigarette and like just waving his fist in the air and

[00:14:04] sailing like, yes. You don't see any of that. I love that. You don't get a bonus. You're

[00:14:13] fucking make $9 an hour. I remember that stupid, that pride people had and like, fucking like,

[00:14:20] I remember they tried to do that at the foreclosure law firm. They're like, come on guys, we got

[00:14:24] to get, we have to get, we have to hit the certain if we get a hundred hearings scheduled,

[00:14:31] you know, you get like a fucking pizza party. And it's like, you're literally just asking

[00:14:35] me to celebrate kicking people out of their homes. Like that's what I'm supposed to fucking,

[00:14:39] that's what I'm supposed to fucking look forward to or at the mortgage company at American

[00:14:43] government mortgage. If you got someone to refinance, you got like a $20 bonus. Yeah.

[00:14:48] It's like, okay, this fucking piece of shit company just made how many thousands of dollars.

[00:14:53] Yeah. The only place that ever did that, where I worked out, I worked at a car dealership

[00:14:57] and it was like a family on cardio or something. Yeah. And I remember a couple of Sundays,

[00:15:02] they were bringing their like family pastor or some religious guy that they had known.

[00:15:07] And he would like sermonize, you know, and the staff, the staff, we would all sit there,

[00:15:12] but then they had like this board up with where, and I can't remember like the, my memory is

[00:15:17] hazy of what it actually was. I don't think it was jeopardy or whatever, but it was like

[00:15:21] a board with like numbers on it, you know, like a grid of pieces of paper. And they'd

[00:15:26] be, you know, and they would call on you and you'd be like, I don't know, I'm like B5.

[00:15:30] If you got like an answer correctly off the board and they're like, yeah, there's check

[00:15:33] for $200 and they would just like give you free money. Whoa. And yeah, it was awesome.

[00:15:39] I had like 75 bucks one time and nice, you know, but usually it was like an extra lunch

[00:15:43] or whatever, something like that. But then at the end, it'd be like, and remember, serve

[00:15:48] God, serve your country and serve your company. You know, that's the kind of like corny conservative

[00:15:56] people shit that I can get behind. You know what? It's like, that was, they were like

[00:16:00] very nice to me considering what a like drunk fucking ungrateful piece of shit 19 year old

[00:16:06] I was to like work at that place. The fucking imagine the guy that managed to use car lot

[00:16:13] was like the son of the dude that owned the dealership. And he saw I had like shitty clothes

[00:16:17] and enabling nice clothes. And he must have given me like $1,000 worth worth of dress

[00:16:22] shirt. And I was like, yeah, thanks. These are all the colors you have. Yeah. No, he gave

[00:16:29] me like like 30 ties. Really? Yeah. Just so they were like so nice to me. And I was just

[00:16:37] I've blown off work and eventually I just stopped showing up and you use them to like

[00:16:41] tie you tie them in together as like a pulley to jerk off like from the I like you generally

[00:16:47] I remember because I I left and I get when I was like, I didn't show up for a month and

[00:16:51] I finally came into like, you know, get my last paycheck or something. And the guy was

[00:16:55] like, live it. And he was like, you know, you're young, but that was like your experience here

[00:17:00] was the most unprofessional thing I've ever seen in my time. Jesus Christ. I mean,

[00:17:06] set the record. Yeah, I guess I because I interviewed well on it like I sold a car like

[00:17:10] my first day. So you know, that's huge. Yeah. Why had sales experience? But my sales experience

[00:17:15] was like cell phone kiosk cell phone kiosk where I was a manager and I I hired this big

[00:17:19] black dude, marked it and I would make him go buy me forties at the beer store. Nice.

[00:17:24] At the beginning of my shift. And then I would get drunk off Mickey's in the bathroom. Nice.

[00:17:29] And then just like fucking Wall Street money never sleeps. Just sell the fuck out of some

[00:17:34] self. Okay, let's see. Drunk as shit. Just loud black. Like you drunk. I'll give you some

[00:17:41] free ring talent. She'll be like, all right. I do want to next tell. Oh, fuck you. Yeah,

[00:17:48] I used to love interviewing well and then just as soon as I interviewed, my life. Yep.

[00:17:55] I'm of the shitty and it would it always take people like two to three months to realize

[00:18:00] that the person they interviewed was never showing up for work. Yeah, that it was just

[00:18:04] like, Oh, at first was like, Oh, maybe he's just, you know, getting his footing. And then

[00:18:08] it's like, Oh, this is a fucking shitty human being who tricked me too late. Yeah. Oh, yeah,

[00:18:15] it was like, I'm good at interviews in first days. You did that at Vox. You got hired

[00:18:19] at Vox and then they fired. You've never said that on the pod. You got fired a week later.

[00:18:23] I got fired. Yeah. That was that's the best situation. Didn't you collect that unemployment

[00:18:29] for like a year after that for six months? Yeah, I was in the same for a month of work.

[00:18:33] Yeah. You don't remember that when you just wasn't working? Not yet. I wasn't. Oh, yeah.

[00:18:38] He just didn't have to work as Vox was like paying his fucking. No, no, it was the unemployment

[00:18:42] insurance. The government say to Maryland. Wait, why the way this day to Maryland, really?

[00:18:47] Yeah. No, yeah. I was going through that breakup and I just like couldn't pay attention to work.

[00:18:53] What we just put you were paralegal there? Yeah, I was a paralegal. You were sucking off.

[00:18:59] I don't know if I can really talk about it actually. I can't.

[00:19:03] It works at Vox. So I can make a joke about you sucking their dick. I don't know enough about

[00:19:06] it. You sucked off. You sucked off. Mad of Glace. Dude, dude, you went down. You ate his pussy.

[00:19:12] Mad of Glace. I really wish I really wish I could talk about it. He's long. Dude, just a long

[00:19:20] video. Imagine his pussy. It starts like I do. I bet you I bet you. So my first day is all the way

[00:19:26] down to his ass. I bet you I bet you come to get sued. Well, fuck you. But I bet you can't get sued

[00:19:31] for what I can't I signed the NDA when I left. But this has nothing to do with with the job.

[00:19:37] Real quick. My first sign of fucking real quick. There was a I didn't hold on real quick.

[00:19:42] I bet Mad of Glace is makes women eat his balls like a pussy. You have to say allegedly.

[00:19:48] Allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah. Allegedly. Mad of Glace makes me.

[00:19:51] He's like he got down on his foot. Okay. They're pussy.

[00:19:55] So the first day my first day of work is fucking loose flappy sack.

[00:20:01] Wait, let me tell this story. Someone likes his balls. Right. With tic-tac-sized balls.

[00:20:07] All right. Somewhere in there. Oh. All right. Let me tell this story. My first

[00:20:12] day soft soft little raisinette balls. Like a fat tumor on a dog. But they're not the

[00:20:19] women aren't even licking the actual nuts. They're just licking the skin and doing his taint.

[00:20:24] He's married. Allegedly. Allegedly. He's married. And he's rich as fuck independently.

[00:20:31] But really. Yeah. His dad's like a romance novelist. That's so. Yeah. He's like a rich New York City

[00:20:36] kid. Anyway. That's why he gets his. Yeah. Yeah. That's why he looks like a pussy. Yeah.

[00:20:40] Anyway. I wish my dad was a romance novelist. Dude. My dad. Can you imagine how good you'd be

[00:20:45] at having sex if your father was a romance novelist? That's probably why Matt's so good at having sex.

[00:20:50] Yeah. Oh, that guy. Please tell this fucking story. I learned how to fuck for my father.

[00:20:56] He's wearing like a pirate's costume.

[00:20:59] Carry the wound everywhere. Have you come yet? No, stop carrying me. Women don't need to be

[00:21:06] carried everywhere. And then he carried me. Women just want to be carried.

[00:21:11] This thing about dumb bitches. Oh, yes. Finally. It's about time. I don't want what you want to

[00:21:18] fucking pirate the carrier you somewhere. Sweetheart. Good reading books. Thank you. You're drying up

[00:21:23] over there. You fucking a hula. I'm going limp. Hurry up. I only get to stay off in three minutes

[00:21:29] at a time. I can only get on. But it's a full moon. I got magnetons in my dick controlled by the

[00:21:37] tide. I'm going to say I tied baby. He's a fucking nice guy. Come with a prince of tides because I'm

[00:21:43] like that guy from the movie. Isn't that funny that I was raped by prisoners? Doesn't the moon

[00:21:48] control the movies? Have you seen that movie? No, the prince of tides. No, it's like Nick Nolte.

[00:21:54] It's Nick Nolte, right? He gets raped as he writes. Is it Nick Nolte? It's Nick Nolte.

[00:22:01] I always confuse Nick Nolte and the other guy. Gary B. Gary B. Gary B. Gary B. Gary B. Gary B.

[00:22:05] I literally cannot remember which one of them it is. I think it's Nick Nolte. Yeah, he's a better

[00:22:09] actor I think. The way he's right. The story is is like this guy's fucking sister kills herself

[00:22:15] in Manhattan. So he has to go collect her shit and he makes friends with a therapist. It's Barbara

[00:22:20] Strysek. And she starts Theropasizing him. Thank you. He's like going through his stories. And

[00:22:26] like all I remember is like this scene where like there's some local prison they grew up near in

[00:22:32] Louisiana and like these two escape convicts come in the house and rape him and his sister and the

[00:22:38] mom eventually has to maybe the sister has to stop the raping from happening but

[00:22:43] hmm I remember my mom like renting that movie and we watched it and I was like

[00:22:47] why did you make me watch it always look out for prisoners wait let me tell let

[00:22:56] me tell my mad at this is gonna be I won't care when you get raped me happy

[00:23:02] so mad at Glaseous romance novelists so mad at Glaseous allegedly raped someone

[00:23:07] when he broke out of prison shut up shut up shut up okay so it was my first day

[00:23:12] and there was a snowstorm so like it was like delayed are you sure it wasn't

[00:23:15] your first game yeah it was my first game at vaughn I definitely was not his

[00:23:19] first game Adam like wait so he looks out the window there's all this snow

[00:23:24] coming down he's like snow gay and then he's got sucking up

[00:23:30] I know yes this is so man yeah snowman he's just sucking on a carrot he fucks

[00:23:40] himself in the frozen carrot yeah but it's honest no man's face so he's getting

[00:23:45] fucked by his nose yeah that we all remember that day at Fox go ahead and

[00:23:51] couldn't come to open Mike because you were too busy for lading a snowman

[00:23:57] carrot I don't even get the bit anyway what bit it's not a bit truth snow gay is

[00:24:03] that in the show yeah what is that first of all if let's let's entertain that we

[00:24:10] are doing it you don't have to go to work it's in it let's be gay instead of

[00:24:14] straight there was a blizzard overnight day off from being straight so I get an

[00:24:18] email from my like finally you get to be free I get an email from my boss if

[00:24:22] she's like I'm gonna be late so I get there and there's the receptionist is

[00:24:26] bunch of men running the polar Express on out of that creepy animation is not

[00:24:33] quite isn't the first guy in the line has like a red red light tip dick and they're

[00:24:40] like you fucking first Rudolph so we can't do why we can see the way Rudolph

[00:24:49] fuck Adam first we all thought your weird red tip dick was weird until today

[00:24:54] the story of Hanukkah one gay Jewish man's cavernous asshole the guiding light in

[00:25:04] the biggest asshole we've ever seen in our lives okay so yeah now then what

[00:25:11] happens it's really not that you're first know they had box you're getting

[00:25:20] funny red dick terrain deer so funny

[00:25:27] so good fruit off the red dick gay guy okay so it's my first day and if you

[00:25:37] ever saw it you say is that going down in freedom's ass and of course the

[00:25:45] answers yes Adam's very gay one faggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say there's a

[00:25:55] war on Christmas so we can't do just Christmas anymore now we have to

[00:25:59] celebrate Hanukkah and they do some weird shit so let me explain so now we say

[00:26:04] happy holidays and we still have the tree but also Adam gets fucked that way

[00:26:08] everyone's happy except the Muslims because who knows what they do during

[00:26:14] December yeah they don't really have anything to do you be Muslim and celebrate

[00:26:19] Kwanzaa yeah yeah yeah yeah do both yeah all right Kwanzaa was invented in like

[00:26:24] 1993 yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm pretty sure no I key came up with

[00:26:29] I thought it was I thought it was a B plot on Martin yeah and that's how it

[00:26:33] started Gina we're gonna make our own holiday colds like can I play Ronald

[00:26:38] McDonald's cold get the step it Ronald McDonald is not part of Kwanzaa damn fuck

[00:26:48] all right Tommy you gonna be the snow globe cuz of your bald ass head that's

[00:26:55] not funny Martin I hate being bald there's no cure we had a lot of fun on

[00:27:03] today's episode of Martin but if you know someone who's bald please don't

[00:27:08] hurt their feelings

[00:27:10] anyway it was a snow day but it was like delayed it was snowed overnight so like

[00:27:15] the roads were fucked so my bot knows there and I'm just like standing in the

[00:27:19] lobby and I remember like looking down the hallway and I just see this Fupa

[00:27:24] just like walking towards me nice just this like the the distance between the

[00:27:32] belt and vagina area on on that gentleman's and we won't say who in mid

[00:27:39] section is is is one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life

[00:27:44] I love that guys you where's this clothes stop knows the way to wear pants it

[00:27:47] goes under your stomach under the stomach it's unbelievable when in fact I

[00:27:51] tries to get half the like we're fucking like anyone doesn't know what the fuck

[00:27:55] is going on right you're getting half your stomach and we don't we forget

[00:27:59] that your fattest shit yeah come on man like certainly deform your stomach yeah

[00:28:04] you just have a big fat pussy absolutely you get that you let the stomach hang

[00:28:08] down like a gentleman you don't fucking try trap that shit with a bet right then

[00:28:11] the belt come on bro you have to you get you acquire that beautiful trucker

[00:28:17] esque pot belly absolutely yeah look like you bathe on the side of the road yeah

[00:28:23] oh fuck so anyway so yeah then he's like I help you have a romance novelist dad

[00:28:29] then I show you how to put pants on you never dead never wore pants he was

[00:28:36] always get out your a silk robe he's just here's that he's just that is like

[00:28:44] extremely a fat silk road man the micro penis it's gonna and this like

[00:28:51] you fucking completely see through you know like like almost like a the

[00:28:58] transparent shower curtain but it's right coming down the long staircase in

[00:29:05] the morning like Maddie don't burn the toast again I have writing to do but

[00:29:15] then he goes by millimeter penis yeah but he does fuck but he heard his parents

[00:29:20] fuck all the time that that guy fucked yeah maybe I think he did the the

[00:29:27] author fucked the dad you don't have to be to fuck to be a I think he's fucked I

[00:29:32] think I actually think that probably romance novelist don't have that much

[00:29:35] dad who's just dad Julio Iglesias Gabriel Iglesia that's his brother to

[00:29:52] Titans one of you know you know you don't know right way to wear a pair of pants

[00:29:57] right I got this brother he's a blogger the blogger for Vox yeah he writes he

[00:30:07] writes little letters yeah his brother doesn't know it's not box he's one of them

[00:30:12] is Hispanic letter to coz

[00:30:13] crushing that means get past a no cola got a letter to go yeah that's

[00:30:24] stylish what does Chico mean I don't know Chico it's a type of pants Chupa Chupa

[00:30:33] Chupa Chupa no that's a Taco Bell menu item not these like fake Spanish the

[00:30:37] Chupa means get McDonald's corporate Chupa's Chupa means get your dicks up

[00:30:42] yeah Chupa me panga yeah she it also means lollipop which I love yeah if we

[00:30:47] just getting your dicks like the Anna lollipop Chico is just that ramen place

[00:30:51] that we go to buy my house Chico is like a little boy Chiquito cute or something

[00:30:58] I'm a Chiquito I don't know Chiquita banana yeah exactly do you guys want to

[00:31:03] fuck the Chiquita banana lady and this is something I used to beat off the

[00:31:07] raisins all the time well no the little raisins you can bring him into a

[00:31:13] public restroom and chat with all the fruit on her head I used to yeah I used

[00:31:17] to fuck the raises yeah I'm gonna fuck your hat stick my dick that way you

[00:31:22] watch your upside down looks like a fucking her bright a ball arrangement on

[00:31:25] her head migrant worker man no the Chiquita banana lady though was hot I

[00:31:33] never beat off to her see that's I will say wasn't she just like an outline

[00:31:37] drawing no she was never fleshed out like I think there was some media where she

[00:31:41] was fleshed out I think there was a commercial I don't remember no yeah

[00:31:46] there's been commercials where she dances she's hot dude she shouts out to

[00:31:50] the Chiquita banana as like a cartoon the spicy Latina is she cartoon is a

[00:31:54] beautiful kind of woman oh yeah do you Sophia Vergara probably the hottest

[00:31:58] woman on earth yeah Spanish people are so lateral who's that

[00:32:02] shut the fuck up oh was she Tony Parker's wife no motherfucker you know who it

[00:32:07] is who was Tony Parker's wife Eva Mendez yeah Eva longoria yeah and Tony

[00:32:15] Parker cheated on her wealth by fucking well I'm a bug me for my glory that's

[00:32:19] cool you fucking smoke weed out of a piece over here about weed

[00:32:25] you got a good character sorry I apologize no I'm just trying to make

[00:32:33] friends yeah I'll hang out here at the Home Depot parking lot and just try to

[00:32:38] interact with folks of your color look I grew up racist I'm trying to make

[00:32:45] black friends I know they like weed done it personally but if I say it at

[00:32:52] them they might accept me who I am four foot eleven cowboy I want to be a cowboy

[00:33:02] I want to be a cowboy I want to be a cowboy baby a cowboy from hell what song is

[00:33:07] that oh nice dude yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

[00:33:15] yeah man I want to fucking write a song about fucking cowboys but it's not

[00:33:19] badass enough yeah what if they were like from hell I like that's fucking

[00:33:25] perfect nice dime back that's Pantera right Pantera yeah dime bag Darrell

[00:33:32] motherfucking Phil Anselma do you remember we got a nori bass voice dude

[00:33:37] yeah Nick was doing the pant that Phil Anselma tour of New Orleans yeah he's

[00:33:43] like this is where Phil Anselma jacked up never in your house

[00:33:47] crazy from your worlds yeah he's from New Orleans the rest of them are from

[00:33:50] Texas I think Pantera is like a Houston band or a Dallas band something like

[00:33:54] that yeah little panhandle band yeah well that's what pan stands pan this pan

[00:33:59] handle Tara and then Tara is a pansexual actually yeah it's pansexual

[00:34:04] terror yeah I'd fuck someone named Tara who was pansexual she there this got to

[00:34:10] be a bunch of trans metal bands a trans talica yeah trans talica

[00:34:15] kiss my megatrends pre post-op fucked up dick that's a kiss cover used to be a

[00:34:21] man's egg used to be a man's egg there you go

[00:34:25] let's see Casey DC DC DC iron pussy buyer buy iron maiden yeah buy your

[00:34:36] made there you go fuck you just Paris got my dick off oh yeah brother that's

[00:34:47] good it's a Paris that might be his best joke I never told I was so stupid

[00:34:54] that might be the most mature refined joke

[00:34:59] I love all the major bands I love how many there's many kiss oh yeah there's

[00:35:07] another one there's a mini AC DC I think to fuck they were the same size

[00:35:13] shorts as the regular AC DC whoa yeah you took those fucking old Australians

[00:35:18] down a peg yeah sit down Australians are both what is it with the city just

[00:35:23] being no festive one of them has a fucked up one of them has some kind of

[00:35:26] disease I think the lead singer was replaced at a certain point of their

[00:35:29] place with another is anus and clitoris right yeah Angus is the guitar

[00:35:34] young anus young anus and old clitoris sweet boy pussy to traditional

[00:35:41] Australian names sweet boy pussy what I'm sweetball pussy fuck do my stuff but my

[00:35:48] friends call me George anytime you meet no Australian man named George his real

[00:35:52] name is sweet boy boys that's a little un-name fact about Australia there's a

[00:35:59] lot of people don't want really to get out but it's true and you can repeat that

[00:36:04] directly to my face and any other Australian you ever meet everyone's

[00:36:09] in there George is real name was sweet boy pussy dude that's what's on their

[00:36:14] birthday yeah when I can't deny it and none of the other ones can either oh yeah

[00:36:22] what is it with the city just being infested with drunken Australians there's

[00:36:27] a lot of them there's no there's a there's an azerol throwing really in personal

[00:36:31] trainer my gym is really hot I want to I would love to fuck Australian dude I

[00:36:36] fuck man I would take tips I will take you all do another I will do another one

[00:36:43] yes I got it what horrific way to talk it would be it's almost like she's deaf

[00:36:49] what is it with the way they say disability nine nine it's not a no

[00:36:53] back sentence because there's something wrong with her

[00:36:55] yeah it's like I'm from Jesse my father was deaf and an alcoholic and he

[00:37:04] would beat me never landed a talk probably even then he took with a

[00:37:09] descendants of criminals in who us yeah what is it what they add an R at the

[00:37:14] end when they say no they're like no yeah I was sorry personal flair I was so

[00:37:21] drunk the other night my all right took heaps of Molly he got just heaps of

[00:37:28] Molly cake I was so fucked yeah shout out to all of our Australian listeners

[00:37:36] though there's a lot of them there's a lot of them shut out to Sydney shut out

[00:37:39] to fucking just that's a perter is perth one of them Perth yeah it's weird

[00:37:44] three cities on Australia's Mela Sydney and Perth really yeah they got an island

[00:37:48] and Adelaide yeah Adelaide that sounds hot dude I found some got a reef I said

[00:37:53] it to Dana I found some town in Australia that was like a hibberberry

[00:37:58] billaboo the most oh man I gotta go back and find it but it was good Australia

[00:38:05] fucking fake they have comedy festivals and shit they do yeah it just takes

[00:38:09] forever to get there yeah but I mean it seems every Australian I've met has

[00:38:12] been cool as shit let's go do but I've only like been chill with Melbourne

[00:38:17] people and they all been they should Adam has a snobbery about his Australia

[00:38:22] incredible yeah okay hold on how many people of Australian descent would you

[00:38:27] character Australian descent yeah how many Australian Americans I know the

[00:38:32] evening all the Australians that I've become friends with her from Melbourne

[00:38:35] how many of them are there maybe like seven name them all right now right now

[00:38:40] right now no I'm not gonna name them there's a little look them up on anyone

[00:38:44] oh no it is no it's you build up a sweet boy pussy sweet boy pussy George

[00:38:53] young Angus and the comedy done the they always shit on Sydney though they say

[00:38:59] that the mailblings really like much more chilled out meal bin like well the

[00:39:04] entire country is taxes it's like a country of Texans yeah they're all big

[00:39:09] yeah they're all drunk and loud they wear they wear weird clothes they'll have

[00:39:13] fighting I'd love to see some big Australian titties up close I wonder

[00:39:17] what it's like if I got magnifying last is really inspect yeah we gotta go to put

[00:39:24] a couple of my mouth and suck on them yeah I have to having some shrimp on the

[00:39:29] barbie I have an affinity with the Australians because you know I'm also

[00:39:32] a former colonial British from the common descendant yeah for a common

[00:39:38] wealth descendant so so you suck the King's dick not me a stop dude hell no

[00:39:43] dude we never been the knee for anyone dude oh no tread on us mother fucker

[00:39:48] respect any type of monarchy from any country I think that they're all

[00:39:52] magical the Saudis I love him yo what the fuck dude Rihanna started dating some

[00:39:56] star is he Saudi he's like a billionaire oh god fuck man that's how

[00:40:01] you get you know I mean you get me that I'm gonna be a saltin I just bought an

[00:40:05] all-white tracksuit mm-hmm I'm so jealous dude it's first of all it's got

[00:40:10] like this extended collar that goes all the way up to past my ears oh and I like

[00:40:16] I put it on earlier and I just really want to go hang out with Japanese guys

[00:40:19] on St. Mark's that's my cigarettes Japanese guys isn't it punks on St.

[00:40:25] Mark's wasn't isn't that the fun is a lot of Japanese what do they do in there

[00:40:29] they wear tight they dress like you like me thank you that's company like

[00:40:34] blood pants I follow a lot of Japanese street style accounts on your fucking

[00:40:39] loser you fucking I'm not losing I'm pretty cool yeah you know first of all

[00:40:43] you buy away more clothes than I do only look stupid and they're all

[00:40:47] tracked Nick Nick buys money to look dumb as shit on

[00:40:50] perotuse stop sucking up to Nick okay content not sucking up to me is me and him

[00:40:53] are on the same page yeah you understand agreeing with people yeah because you're

[00:40:59] such a detestable individual that it any any any sign of camaraderie between

[00:41:04] two individuals looks like some sort of social purchase

[00:41:07] that's a shock up that's a suck up I because I say he buys shitty clothes he

[00:41:16] spends money to look stupid is literally what I said no you say it I suck up to

[00:41:20] him I don't suck up to this dig item and what I mean up I mean suck it just

[00:41:27] stop sucking up dude suck this dick so Adam the cat shit Adam Adam is doing

[00:41:31] Adam's finally hitting the weights the weight room yeah I'm on one of the

[00:41:36] come boys DME from you guys making fun of my weight and my size and my body in

[00:41:42] in general and put me put me in in get with to set me up with some links on

[00:41:48] workout regime bodybuilding sculpting regime so he's doing all pros so he's

[00:41:54] got a four-day split I'm doing go mad this wait hold on I don't know if all

[00:41:58] pros is four-day split somebody's gonna email me angry about that what is all

[00:42:01] pros all pros is like a beginning bodybuilding program no no I think it's a

[00:42:05] I think it's a three-day full-body I'm doing starting strength which is a

[00:42:09] three-day full-body program yes and tell everyone what happened at the gym

[00:42:13] my new friend corrected me on my form Gianni from Bensonhurst he said whoa

[00:42:20] bro bro what the fuck are you doing you're gonna be a chiropractist fucking

[00:42:25] dream bro and then he corrected me and he's like he's like you got a fucking

[00:42:31] put you put your doing you were doing deadlift I was deadlifting

[00:42:35] scene where were we I was at the New York sports how where were you dead

[00:42:39] were you deadlifting in the squad rack I was deadlifting next to the squad rack

[00:42:42] okay I mean it wasn't on the rack it was on the floor sure of course yeah and

[00:42:47] Gianni came up to me he's like dude what are you doing are you working out your

[00:42:51] hamstrings are you back I was like my I think hamstrings and he said bro you

[00:42:56] doing it all wrong and then he worked me out Gianni is a very nice guy he's

[00:43:02] clearly on steroids how long did he work with you specifically I don't know is

[00:43:06] a good five minutes but it comes up to you he sees you she came up to me he sees

[00:43:11] your little girl because I was trembling under the weight of worst of all I was

[00:43:14] trying to do too much way everybody dead lifts wrong I was easy yeah yeah look

[00:43:18] at somebody and say they're deadlifting wrong yeah because I mean I was lifting

[00:43:22] with my lower back looks objectively like it could fuck you up somebody's

[00:43:28] fucking aggressively knocking on the door I don't know who that is on your

[00:43:31] door yeah oh damn but the like the margin of error where it's like yeah you

[00:43:35] would never say anything to anyone even I appreciate horrific form deadlifting

[00:43:40] yeah how bad Adam had to be no that's not true he was a good Samaritan for this

[00:43:46] this guido to fucking go off to him and tell him like you're gonna put

[00:43:50] yourself in the hospital he was wearing like spaghetti strap tank top to love

[00:43:56] that he's one of those buff guys that had like the very thin straps on his

[00:43:59] tank top yeah anyway so like it'd be me in the summer dude kept telling me like

[00:44:03] he's so he worked on form with me and then he kept telling me explode through

[00:44:07] the hips explode explode and yeah now I'm like I guess like 215 deadlift about

[00:44:15] 390 I think last I checked which is like you know it's a normal amount no

[00:44:20] that's like tear up if you weighed 215 and you're only deadlifting oh yeah I mean

[00:44:25] I'd be pretty pathetic I'm I meant 115 fuck is this knocking on the door oh it's

[00:44:33] probably a girl that wants to fuck me really badly yeah so she's knocking on

[00:44:37] the door very hard so come up here and have sex yeah it was very funny that

[00:44:42] that guido Gianni from Bensonhurst helped me out but I appreciated it I was like

[00:44:48] listen it's day one I've never done a deadlift before I just watched a video on

[00:44:51] this website and shout out to the come boy for whoever that was for sending me

[00:44:58] in the right direction with bodybuilding I'm gonna I'm gonna show my bullies

[00:45:02] Nick and staff I will forever show them it's gonna be like that episode of Red

[00:45:06] and Stimpy where he gets titty implants that's a good app what I'm gonna do I'm

[00:45:11] gonna beat you guys up at the beach no we're doing the podcast we're doing the

[00:45:16] show all right so what so Nick what what's your how you've been how you've been

[00:45:26] lifting the recently lift boys how have I been yeah yeah pretty terrible do you

[00:45:31] unfat myself from Los Angeles really I don't know maybe I'm just old now but

[00:45:36] like yeah you are yeah I like it used to be I would go back to the gym and I would

[00:45:40] like just you know it would be pretty easy to not be fat anymore and look all

[00:45:46] right it's just not changing welcome brother yeah I guess I have stop

[00:45:50] other ideas whatever who cares dude I thought I was eating like a lot but I

[00:45:55] clearly did not cuz I woke up this morning emaciated well you got to drink

[00:45:59] your own come okay I'm gonna work on that oh yeah did Gianni explain that to

[00:46:04] you put your own Dianni explain a couple things to me about like Cosa

[00:46:09] Nostra coat of silence the fact that if the fucking Isis wants to come over

[00:46:16] here we'll show them what we were made of right you know he told me a lot about

[00:46:20] that but not not a lot about diet but you know I respect your size yeah but I

[00:46:26] was like at the end I did say to him command a Tory now that's respect and

[00:46:32] we both kissed each other on the mouth nice pretty nice yeah

[00:46:37] so you have to have the small pranos how about that small pranos what was the

[00:46:42] guy that Tony beats up after he gets back the muscles marinara yeah yeah yeah

[00:46:46] I love the shots that scene is a nice and incredible yeah guys like arms and

[00:46:51] then fucking Tony's like insecurity yeah and then fucking back to Pauli being

[00:46:55] like I used to be the strongest guy in the army yeah I did the pull-up contest

[00:47:00] yeah Pauli fucking rules Pauli's the best he's the best he's in a literate

[00:47:05] joke of human he looks like a cartoon yeah mafia guy yeah yeah yeah he's a

[00:47:12] former con yeah he's like the snoop Pearson of the sopranos like a me of of

[00:47:16] but I wonder you think he killed you think Pauli ever killed anybody did the

[00:47:22] real Pauli maybe I don't know Italians have to kill their own father

[00:47:25] otherwise they're not allowed to hit puberty to protect their mother they

[00:47:32] do eventually well that's why they that's how they hit puberty that's why it's

[00:47:36] how he's really is an Italy when you have sex with your mother and you kill your

[00:47:41] own father to do it then you either become a you know velour tracksuit

[00:47:47] criminal or a fucking sad clown oh pugly a do pugly a duchee

[00:47:52] mmm pugly achy pubil pubil a plaabia yeah there's a story I went to my therapist

[00:48:02] and I was like I fucked too good doctor how do I get my mind off this yeah what

[00:48:10] is your there's like you should go see fuckly a duchee he's the clown that

[00:48:16] fucks the best it'll get your mind off of how good you fuck oh then I looked

[00:48:21] at him I was like but doctor I am fuckly a doo-jing wow was wait so is this is

[00:48:27] that a real story we're running out of steam here let's go back to the

[00:48:31] best obviously a reindeer man food poisoning by the way the right there

[00:48:36] man that has sex with that we're gonna roll the tape back to take a second

[00:48:42] pass through those chicken wings bones that we already fucking ate that one was

[00:48:48] good for me I wish we had done a little bit better on the song to be honest with

[00:48:52] you boys yeah yeah Rudolph the red dick

[00:48:56] yeah I'm having have you ever know about Rudolph the red nose have you ever

[00:49:06] what's how far have you gone with your dog how far have I gone sex we watch you

[00:49:11] play with her nipples yeah yeah I've never

[00:49:14] finger with the vet told you had to do it of course you wouldn't just put the

[00:49:18] dog down the vet is a medical professional I'd listen to yeah but

[00:49:22] medical professionals I mean you know 15 you my bet is that medical

[00:49:27] professional said being gay with so what 15 years ago medical professionals

[00:49:32] said being gay was a disease yeah and that's what makes the member of PETA

[00:49:36] when I'm fighting for a certain time when we outlaw veterinarians mm-hmm

[00:49:40] and they include dog and cat medicine in medical school mm-hmm you have to

[00:49:46] become an actual doctor to operate on animals who are people yep yeah the

[00:49:51] LGBT CD

[00:49:54] how fucking are you eating?

[00:49:56] Spencer?

[00:49:57] every dog's talking

[00:49:58] yeah elk hamster snakes canaries just dogs LGBTQD dogs are part of queer

[00:50:07] culture now guys deal with it oh fuck dude I feel like shit I had a warm pokey

[00:50:14] outdoors and I have food poisoning yeah and and stop you want to tell us about

[00:50:19] how you actually it sounds like you got to poison that's me that's my bad

[00:50:25] to put your hand out for me to high-five it what do you do you high-five all the

[00:50:31] time do you why do you have to make it I've never actually see I've known you

[00:50:35] guys for both I don't know like five or six years now and I've never seen you

[00:50:39] high-five we high-five did the show the other day I don't think so we did a

[00:50:43] snap it nicks like that's nice to you the snap I was being ironic no you

[00:50:47] weren't being ironic you're being sincere you know the I don't remember

[00:50:52] ladies and gentlemen deep down Nick Mullen is a serious sensitive young man

[00:50:56] yeah everybody is so is Hitler no that's not true of layers and others and

[00:51:01] someone consider to be armor and inscribed burned into the armor is is all

[00:51:07] sorts of symbols throughout your life that some people see as scars and other

[00:51:10] see is insignias like a swastika well Sig runes or marks of the Templar I

[00:51:16] consider my shield of irony to to be a battle hardened carcass over whatever

[00:51:24] sincerity make like Darth Vader suit yes you know and while I that I maybe

[00:51:29] have been good at one point or underneath it all I am nobody remembers that

[00:51:34] character in the shitty or other movies they remember Darth Vader Empire Strikes

[00:51:38] back most evil guy in the world fucking shit up right who fucked the heroes

[00:51:43] mom by the way nice which is what he should have said rather than I am your

[00:51:47] father who guy fucked you oh god fuck

[00:51:54] that would be me version of dark no I got a bunch of buttons on my chest and

[00:52:00] it's actually just a Tim Allen sound boy I don't think so

[00:52:12] Jim or crime Jill Randy Jill Jill Jill I fucked her mother Jill Jill Jill and

[00:52:26] then one button that sucks your dick hey Wilson hey Wilson I don't think so

[00:52:31] Tim did they have a did they have an episode where Marc went that I yeah that's

[00:52:37] the 30-minute scene where Darth Vader is just playing the Tim Allen

[00:52:41] sound for the last day to himself laughing just statistically pressing the

[00:52:45] buttons after Luke is falling out of that fucking shaft or whatever before the

[00:52:50] movie ends

[00:52:51] oh fuck wasn't there an episode where mark went goth yeah marks goth and let the

[00:53:00] last couple of see the last season of the show wait there was a season where he

[00:53:03] was gone I think so it's like the last one would like the one the son and jock

[00:53:08] are like both gone to college what are we playing what are we talking about

[00:53:11] improvement it's mark CJ oh yeah he was hot he had like that fucked up dog

[00:53:18] collard yeah yeah yeah it was the one that ended up fucking like some old lady it

[00:53:24] once it once the show ended he married like some fucking woman there's an

[00:53:27] episode of that show where they find pot in the back I love that episode and

[00:53:30] they're like fuck yeah well we experimented when we were kids and it's

[00:53:34] like just Tim Allen went to prison for dropping a massive amounts of cocaine

[00:53:39] the amount of cocaine that 99.99999% of people will never see in their entire

[00:53:45] life yeah unlike us yeah yeah we we know is a thousand pounds it's easy to

[00:53:51] remember that was weird when you had all that weed and I was just like yeah I know

[00:53:55] like five I remember it was like it was a fucking insane amount of weed I had

[00:53:59] two pounds of weed you'd like 19 pounds of weed in this apartment yeah taking

[00:54:04] pictures within shit I remember like if I had never took if I had been like 15

[00:54:08] years old and I had five pounds of weed in my hands I would have been like I'm

[00:54:11] I'm 50 cent you know absolutely I'm the coolest guy in the world yeah I remember

[00:54:17] when I did ironic I stopped smoking weed I don't know why because you're maybe

[00:54:21] it was my cheap Jew like your nature um yeah I'm glad I got that out of the way

[00:54:27] before I turned 30 becoming a briefly becoming a drug before he'll be game

[00:54:32] dirty although you know the way you're a man you know does it so well they

[00:54:37] he'll be like yeah by the way I do so we'd like on stage and then he'll sell mad

[00:54:41] weed after a show but like I feel like I'm afraid to do that stop blowing up

[00:54:46] your school friend spot dude wait he talked how dare you dude he's under

[00:54:52] apparently he's under criminal investigation no he's not dude he's in

[00:54:55] Cali dude it's legal it's legal bra it's no they finally passed two things dope

[00:55:01] CP child pornography take that Donald Trump

[00:55:10] yeah we're gonna we're gonna fucking totally get Donald I heard some guy

[00:55:15] talking about the day he was like you know yeah just see the latest thing

[00:55:19] apparently you had this charity this Christian charity and all the money was

[00:55:23] going to his businesses so yeah we're probably gonna be able to do an

[00:55:27] emoluments clause yeah yeah all these constitutional scholars can we just

[00:55:32] stop just stop saying things you heard yeah and also having these dumb smug

[00:55:37] conversations my roommate had this friend who's like the dumbest girl I've

[00:55:41] ever met and like she came over after the election and she just lectured

[00:55:45] everyone on what the electoral colleges it was probably the most like I wanted

[00:55:50] to fucking kill her I would I would kill her I mean say shut the fuck up you

[00:55:55] little she was like I just out of my life to I don't really do this but my

[00:56:00] friend Gianni just told me how to explode through the head so I finally have

[00:56:03] confidence for the first time I do feel confident and I am I am about to

[00:56:08] break it down on you dude I can't use stairs because my ass nice you got

[00:56:13] those doms yeah I like first workout doms dude dude I'm like walking up and

[00:56:18] making a change I got raped in a prison shower like probably squatted to heavy

[00:56:23] then I squatted to heavy yeah where were you squatting played on each side yeah

[00:56:29] that you're starting way too high for like a off the couch I mean I used to

[00:56:34] like go to the gym but I never they've never squatted or did deadlift so I

[00:56:38] like you like you shouldn't you shouldn't start it like your body weight is that

[00:56:42] my body weight it's probably more play on the way 135 okay yeah that's my

[00:56:47] body weight yeah you a 135 you fat piece of shit 135 is a fucking you should

[00:56:52] wait 135 not do this you should that's what women wait you're five foot two

[00:56:56] dude you should be one thirty five five you're not six five yes I am both me

[00:57:01] and starver easily clear six six yeah the two of us I'm a dunk on your ass

[00:57:07] bitch I tower over both of you I will be you needs to know this I am the tall

[00:57:12] ball bitch you're half and smartest cutest you're not cute I have a lot more

[00:57:19] sex than both I fuck I just don't brag about it like you do I don't brag

[00:57:25] about it you brag about all the time no that's not true yeah that's like a

[00:57:29] humble brag thing yeah yeah I had to have sex I have to break up with some girl

[00:57:34] that looks exactly like me yeah hang out in Brooklyn and I'd fuck women that

[00:57:39] they don't look exactly like me that's not true they have the same body as me I

[00:57:43] have sex with the smorgasbore you're doing is you're a regular reproducer

[00:57:47] a sexually in this Brooklyn house of mirrors I don't have sex in Brooklyn I

[00:57:53] only have sex I only have sex in the Bronx with the chukos

[00:57:58] happy chula yeah you go get you mommy Bobby Chuko Chula by the way did

[00:58:02] Cardi B do not look at I though I fucking love you know I'm gonna I'm gonna

[00:58:07] create a phone service right she's for the hood where the minutes are free if

[00:58:11] you're repeating yourself you get free beef minutes where the phone has an

[00:58:16] algorithm that says like you know like but that isn't your man's but that isn't

[00:58:20] your man's but that isn't your man he's cheating on you he's cheating on you

[00:58:25] every time you repeat yourself it doesn't deduct from your time so if you

[00:58:29] have a four and a half hour conversation on the bus where it says are you gonna

[00:58:32] let me finish are you gonna let me finish are you gonna let me finish are you

[00:58:35] gonna let me finish are you gonna let me listen he is not your man are you gonna

[00:58:40] let me finish are you gonna let me finish are you gonna let me finish Maria Maria

[00:58:45] Maria listen are you gonna let me finish that's that was just three seconds out

[00:58:51] of your contract you know rather than the duration of at least my ride on the

[00:58:56] bus every day that I've listened to I don't get that time back in my life but

[00:59:00] you get it back on your your phone that's great mm-hmm I like that I let's let's

[00:59:05] start fucking in the Bronx dude I was talking to a girl today and there's a

[00:59:09] girl that just kept saying in the phone like I have been waiting to put hands on

[00:59:13] you oh my god there is nothing I want more than to put hands on you okay

[00:59:20] because I know listen to me okay I love I just want a day to grow like that

[00:59:26] you just mean to me yeah you want to fetishize and objectify do you the

[00:59:30] reactable you want to you want to you want to culture not a costume take away

[00:59:35] right exactly dude these are beautiful women of color that have a respectable

[00:59:39] culture that me and Stav are simply appreciating absolutely so characterization

[00:59:44] and works of fiction and by being artists really and you come in with like I want

[00:59:49] to have sex with her and it's just not with my voice out and disgusting and it's

[00:59:53] it's frankly disrespectful with those women it's disrespectful the character

[00:59:57] I was doing and I cannot wait to put hands on you puppy to go okay this is

[01:00:03] making this part of Nick's psyche I cannot wait to put hands on it listen to me

[01:00:10] no because I saw you I know I know that was I heard that spring next our ringtone

[01:00:14] and I knew it was your ass coming out of his bedroom I told Victor he can cheat

[01:00:20] on me nine times that's it he gets nine times to cheat on me but he does it again

[01:00:25] that's the end of it fuck dude I don't need I don't need a gangster not anymore

[01:00:33] I'm a gangster dude I'm about to start doing crimes yeah I'm start fucking robbing

[01:00:38] people no you're not why not because you got too much writing on it dude you're

[01:00:43] right you got all you have a career you're saying I love you I want to say

[01:00:48] anything but you love you I have a division one basketball scholarship on the

[01:00:52] table from the University of Kentucky dude Cala Perry yeah Johnny Cal you're

[01:00:57] probably gonna go first round baby I probably will do I'm gonna hold out you're

[01:01:02] in one and done for sure so one and done you're one and I go play with you

[01:01:06] honestly for sure yeah how about the NBA draft Nick what you think I was

[01:01:13] started thinking about the movie the number 23 oh that movie is so bad I saw

[01:01:17] that in the theater yeah yeah yeah what's the what's not freshman year of college

[01:01:21] in the theaters I wanted to see it but I never did first of all I don't know what

[01:01:24] Jim Carrey's even doing in the movie it's like he's not acting so much as he's

[01:01:28] like just excited to be in the movie interesting yeah well he was nobody's

[01:01:33] fucking retarded I remember they were pitching it like some fucking awesome

[01:01:37] like psychological thriller yeah I'm sure somebody thought that's what it was

[01:01:40] and what was it it's like he just sees the number 23 everywhere Michael Jordan

[01:01:45] cucks is it cucks him yeah yeah Michael Jordan kills his infant the funniest

[01:01:50] part is that he's like goth like leather duster kind of guy in it yeah he's

[01:01:54] like a weird shit with his hair mm-hmm is he Scientology he's got some weird

[01:01:59] shit going on you know the most tragic thing in the world is one like a fucking

[01:02:03] funny person once we taken seriously but he is a good actor I mean that's why

[01:02:07] comedy's being ruined is because all the fucking comedians gonna be like

[01:02:10] actually I'm a intellectual now yeah I hate that yeah just admit you're

[01:02:14] stupid man I'm stupid as shit all I'm good at is making people laugh by talking

[01:02:17] about stupid I'm a fucking genius but I know you're serious and it's also I

[01:02:22] focus on being hilarious through my geniosity I've been doing luminosity

[01:02:27] oh man how bad did you want to fuck that woman from the luminosity commercials

[01:02:31] what is that remember that shit I don't like to be smarter like they're like

[01:02:35] she's you come on like a girl that picks a ear cut is you be like it's like

[01:02:39] fucking it's like doing push-ups for your brain I thought it was like a like a

[01:02:43] hot natural hair black girl I mean they had a bunch of people in the

[01:02:46] commercials but there is one girl in the fucking luminosity commercial that was

[01:02:50] I think it was luminosity yeah it is luminosity luminosity well fucking

[01:02:56] retort who smart I knew what it was no you didn't I've actually I've done

[01:03:02] I did all of them braintray imagine being such a

[01:03:08] fuck up stupid idiot did you take I haven't get downloaded app to be smarter

[01:03:13] Beyonce was in one of those ads insecure pieces shit you're like yeah I'm gonna do

[01:03:18] puzzles for babies until I'm a and till people respect me dude it's proven that

[01:03:24] angry birds makes you wait like wild yeah you're spatial understand yeah yeah

[01:03:28] you get crazy smart from that about come ocity oh yeah no I see this woman yeah

[01:03:34] we should do an app comeosity yeah you know what I don't really want to fuck

[01:03:37] that much I'm looking at it right now you don't stuff the one the one with the

[01:03:42] pixie haircut no yeah ammo I girl you were talking about yes 100 Emily is the

[01:03:46] one and there's a red head that I'm all yeah look dude if you just type in

[01:03:51] luminosity like populates girl naked pictures jack off previous searches that

[01:03:57] I've done everybody does them yeah I guess now looking at it again not so

[01:04:02] much I think it was more the mannerisms or whatever yeah her spirit yeah

[01:04:07] that's cool what else is going on guys I don't know I vs sick no you don't

[01:04:15] tell me I do you don't tell me the show I made a business out of telling you

[01:04:19] show honey she I told me that in the next time I listen come down you listen

[01:04:24] to me all bullies you again you explode through the hips explode through the hips

[01:04:28] point with your pinky just as you point this big yeah he pointed with this pink

[01:04:32] but just to speak no no no index pinky thumb dude like oh my god I love that

[01:04:38] that's the best I love pointing like that yeah this point with rock hands

[01:04:41] it's like rock and roll but sideways like double point in the middle finger

[01:04:46] pointing with two fingers at any time is off oh man try this out this is great

[01:04:50] you fucking listen to me you fucking bitch oh wow this is great I feel like

[01:04:55] Michael Douglas it's I still this is a powerful business there's some about

[01:04:59] pointing with two fingers that I love listen to me you fucking pieces to non

[01:05:02] consecutive fingers pointing with the shocker you're gonna come over you're

[01:05:06] gonna fuck my wife I'm gonna fuck your wife and then we're gonna make money in

[01:05:09] the stock market we're gonna fuck the stock market we're gonna fuck each other's

[01:05:13] wives I'm gonna fuck you you're gonna fuck you I'm Michael fucking Douglas and

[01:05:18] this is fucking a great as fucking movie of the 1980s that sounds like a good one

[01:05:24] of a man had a brain made out of leather leather suede brain compacted by years

[01:05:33] of cocaine abuse and sunglasses that prevented any kind of light from

[01:05:38] reaching his retinas cavernous leather brain that turned him into a fuck machine

[01:05:44] that said fuck you and fucked and God fucked and never got his dick hard

[01:05:47] completely but he still had sex that sounds like we're on this one did directed

[01:05:57] by Tony Scott dude I'm so sad he died who wish I was really so sad that Tony

[01:06:04] Scott died yeah did he kill them okay to be weird no he's committed suicide

[01:06:11] attention Luma's a girl that fucking being suggested we must see girl sexy

[01:06:18] really for the first result is this grandma are you serious what the fuck dude

[01:06:29] big room on any girl sexy one on being big brings up you get Starbucks is

[01:06:34] the Wild West dude Bing is like well no Nick uses it because he gets Starbucks

[01:06:39] gift card somehow out of it look at this one of the other results this is man

[01:06:44] we're like Abercrombie in one picture and then his dick sounds good stuff

[01:06:49] you get Starbucks gift cards are using yeah dude they pay you to use Bing

[01:06:53] you know all sorts of shit yeah GameStop gift cards Amazon gift card starbucks

[01:06:58] gift card how do you do that five dollars a month and free fucking shit away

[01:07:02] yeah just sign up for big rewards bring rewards dot com use promo code

[01:07:06] come town to get me free rewards all you have to do is have a podcast get

[01:07:10] Bing to sponsor you and then my big thing yeah now big rewards it's like

[01:07:15] it's because it sucks being sucks dick damn imagine being that bad at being a

[01:07:19] surgeon you have to pay people it's like it's like a fucking kid who sucks so his

[01:07:25] dad's like yeah I'll buy your friends ice cream my kids ice cream up to hang

[01:07:30] out friends my son yeah oh the rich kid you have to hang out I'm gonna be one of

[01:07:34] those dads to my son I remember I said I'm gonna preemptively go to the

[01:07:39] school and be like whoa attention everyone my name is Mr. Mullen I'm I'm

[01:07:44] Nancy's father my son Nancy now everyone knows Nancy's a faggot I wouldn't hang

[01:07:52] out with him either but I have a lot of money so if you hang out with him I'll

[01:07:56] buy you video games just make sure he knows that you don't actually want to

[01:08:01] be friends thank you yeah dude I can't wait to be a loving father to my

[01:08:10] children I remember there's a kid like that who's like this Russian kid in

[01:08:14] elementary school and his dad used to like just throw the wild like fancy rich

[01:08:19] kid birthday parties at a tennis court pool and like so we'd like hang out with

[01:08:24] him get like that good good food and shit anyway so once I'd hang out with him

[01:08:30] sometimes and his dad just had this young Russian guy driving a Jaguar I

[01:08:34] remember the first time I'd ever seen a Jaguar been in a Jaguar and he was like

[01:08:38] his dad's body man who basically drive Alex around he took us to go see first

[01:08:42] kid with Sinbad first kid ruled anyway turns out like two years after that we

[01:08:48] I guess we're in third grade together guys we should watch all the Sinbad

[01:08:52] movies together yeah we should go to Australia his dad his dad ran from the

[01:08:58] from the fence like Russian mafia yeah yeah it was crazy yeah and then he's

[01:09:04] not a bad story yeah yeah it was it was pretty wild well maybe someone better

[01:09:09] stories you're looking at your phone right now

[01:09:14] fuck the story was almost wasted by it and having him happen to Adam I wish you

[01:09:21] could have been told by a better storyteller I remember he was like he was

[01:09:25] like the garrison killer of our group was very you're the gay old one the

[01:09:31] oldest one in your gay you are the oldest one you don't brag about that

[01:09:35] that often that's not cool to be old it's cool to be tall you're not even tall

[01:09:41] I am tall I tower over you guys you're like just your average height for an

[01:09:46] American and you guys are tiny actually I'm average height and I'm a little taller

[01:09:50] than average I'm gonna kill myself I feel horrible do yes

[01:09:54] stop feel better for some shit what's good for you stop you got upset you're

[01:09:58] like can we wrap can we wrap this out on the pod maybe you got upset that about

[01:10:02] that I don't like to titty fuck yeah we talked about it on the pod no no

[01:10:07] I've stopped stop stop we this is where this conversation happened yeah on the

[01:10:12] I was thinking about it because we talk about it so I was a went on a tweet

[01:10:16] storm yesterday about it so I just wanted to talk on the pod about it yeah

[01:10:22] it's ridiculous to not want to fuck titties but we have covered it no it's

[01:10:25] for 15 year olds what I like that's kind of an autistic thing what things that

[01:10:30] are the wrong size like a giant pencil like a giant pencil I used to have a

[01:10:36] girlfriend fucking really into that shit I have a girlfriend I was afraid of

[01:10:40] that when I was it when I was a kid I know we're going with this where where

[01:10:43] am I going big big fucking chocolate bar the big Hershey's kiss oh there's a

[01:10:48] bigger she's kiss yeah like a piggy bank and I was like this huge Hershey's

[01:10:52] kiss and me is an autistic five year old was like this is the greatest thing in

[01:10:56] the world it's the wrong size yeah she's massaging this fucked up part of your

[01:11:01] brain but those are small inverted neurons or whatever the fuck happens

[01:11:08] and yeah doesn't he talk about that in the accountant like things that are

[01:11:12] non what's it called whatever I'm gonna get I'm gonna buy a big book of

[01:11:17] different swatches of textures that I can feel that's cool yeah my friends

[01:11:23] told me that he learned how to jack off with Beaver pelts Dan nice yeah

[01:11:29] that's like Rosaville yeah that rules yeah he's the fuck like pelts and furs

[01:11:34] I'm gonna go out and you pick up some organ tail yeah so you're gonna tail

[01:11:41] dude I learned how to beat off yeah oh no yeah he fucked them while they were

[01:11:45] the animal yeah jack off with the remains of a native tribe that I

[01:11:51] eviscerated for the 50 cent bounty yeah I bet you fucking brains would feel

[01:12:00] good yeah like a name is a lot of songs about it really yeah I'm a Maryland

[01:12:06] Manson songs are about that oh isn't skull fucking that's like a big thing

[01:12:11] in metal yeah but doesn't skull fucking just means in the ear no you get in use

[01:12:16] it means how we're pulling an eye out of the socket and then fucking really yeah

[01:12:21] I thought so but then it became like just blowjobs that's I thought it's like a

[01:12:24] real intense blowjob yeah that's face fucking your mouth fucking yeah I think

[01:12:29] I've heard it's called fucking lumped in with those I thought it was you put it

[01:12:33] in an ear but like how could you even get a dick in an ear well you're

[01:12:36] big yeah what do you do very small here I did normal sized here would have to be

[01:12:43] an

[01:12:49] I believe don't don't fucking disparage yourself Adam yeah I'm sure you could

[01:12:53] fit your dick in an ear at least guys guys guys you walk right into that heavy

[01:13:01] egg no that was automatic now you're sucking up to stop suck up to this dick

[01:13:08] all right I said yeah suck up to his dick Adam no starting at my starting at

[01:13:15] my toes stop your dick is looking very nice today thanks bro I just wanted to

[01:13:20] give you a compliment oh man I'm so happy about this track suit yeah fuck you

[01:13:24] though guys Adidas now has a fucking what else you have a white track suit with

[01:13:32] white striping to blue stripes oh that's your white they make the white striped

[01:13:35] one in like that hero or whatever that low tier bullshit tracks but not now

[01:13:41] they have like a superstar the the higher end all white track suit with

[01:13:47] blue stripes with blue stripes and his colors suits that's exactly all our

[01:13:51] grease Nick is doing it for Israel he's doing it for his

[01:13:54] patient yes I'm doing it for Israel he's a

[01:13:58] cryptos I'm a sod agent yeah started a podcast to attract Nazis to the cause

[01:14:04] yeah it starts off with small things like telling them to vote for Bernie

[01:14:08] Sanders and eventually it's it becomes fascist again but for Israel yeah I don't

[01:14:16] know exactly how it works I think that's how it works all right yeah we got to

[01:14:21] figure out a way to end this one a quick 30 second movie review I just watched

[01:14:27] they come at night oh I watched a glow that wrestling show I didn't watch it

[01:14:33] they come at night I don't know I have no idea what it's about I just watch

[01:14:36] Elorado with John Wayne low you can see how some breeze titties in the first

[01:14:41] this is a problem man is like I also if I don't watch at least a movie a day I

[01:14:45] have nothing to talk about really yeah I fucked up there I they they added a new

[01:14:50] map the battlefield so now you're really putting time working well you know I

[01:14:55] had to unlock all the different guns also Nick has a very special thing going on

[01:15:00] I can't I can't talk about oh yeah NDA's matter on this podcast on my podcast yeah

[01:15:07] oh okay all right maybe you start maybe you start your own podcast you

[01:15:13] didn't I didn't see as you want and you can you can edit out the parts about

[01:15:17] mataglases alleged fucking 13 inch pussy but until that day comes you will

[01:15:24] respect my NDA that was literally the second clause it was like couldn't

[01:15:27] mention the 13 inch pussy

[01:15:31] very pleased to have you on board at Vox but it is the the utmost importance that

[01:15:36] you do not mention mataglases 13

[01:15:42] you know I just couldn't get over those pants those fucking khaki pants so tight

[01:15:47] like a fat guy shouldn't wear anything tight but like belly button to stop you

[01:15:52] want to fucking argue with that I can wear whatever the fuck I want don't

[01:15:55] police me you don't wear skinny jeans you were like I might you were as tight

[01:15:59] shirts he wears no you wears like 2 X's yeah those are still tight you know

[01:16:06] where's two X two he's bigger you know where is tight his shirts are dude

[01:16:10] tend to be a little tighter sometimes yeah I guess he does

[01:16:14] boy fuck this shit thank you by the way I just just shut up the fans well so

[01:16:20] shut up the skank fest that was a stank fest and funny moms on Monday like

[01:16:25] yeah literally the crowds did not overlap at all not even for said and it's

[01:16:29] amazing because both those we should try we should try and do what's that big

[01:16:32] fucking thing Union Hall it's not that big it's not that big it's pretty much

[01:16:36] the same sizes come on everybody no we're the place where they have 51st

[01:16:40] jokes that oh that's um the bell house yeah yeah yeah that place in Park

[01:16:47] slope yeah downstairs we should do the bell house we should go like we wouldn't

[01:16:53] probably wouldn't sell out the bell house but it's like that's a big enough

[01:16:56] space the bellhouse or the place where they do night train yeah little field

[01:17:01] little field although I don't like the size of that room that's about a

[01:17:04] lot of me it's just read they just read it long they just read did it yeah it's nice

[01:17:10] yeah I went through stages too high that's true the stages too high yeah oh you

[01:17:14] know we should do Madison Square Garden I'm thinking that yeah I'm thinking

[01:17:20] that we're maybe there Michigan Stadium my son Nancy listens to this band run the

[01:17:24] Jewels mm-hmm and they're they're performing there and he wants to go so

[01:17:29] I'm I'm bribing children to take him oh also guys we're like we're working we

[01:17:35] want to book live shows and we're pretty bad at organizing and putting plans

[01:17:39] into motion so if you want us to come to your town well let's not say we it's

[01:17:43] you why is it me it's all of us I mean but anyway I just don't do it if you

[01:17:48] want us to come to your town and you know about a hundred hilarious dance

[01:17:52] it's like I'm serious okay well just say just reach out to me I would say that I

[01:18:00] am bad at physics I just don't do yes you are bad I would say that I am

[01:18:06] willing to I'm very good at business and you don't do them you're very good at

[01:18:12] physics well I'm fucking very good at the fuck are you talking about I'm fucking

[01:18:17] dude I'm so good I guarantee you fuck up if I went back in time which I will do

[01:18:23] because I'm gonna be the guy that invents a fucking time machine I could

[01:18:27] invent the atomic bomb that I would fix history by killing Hitler by giving

[01:18:32] the atomic bomb in France Addie and Addie in pals fuck at you we got it we got

[01:18:41] to wrap this up I got anyway so if you want us to come to your town and you

[01:18:46] know about a hundred about 50 person capacity venue if you come on I'm actually

[01:18:51] doing a serious announcement right now East Coast if you live on the East Coast

[01:18:55] and you want us to do your town and it has to be within six hours driving from

[01:18:59] New York yeah and I in there needs to be a green room in the venue we will not

[01:19:04] stand by the bar we went I need a bucket of Miller light Miller light not drink

[01:19:11] and Red Bulls I'll have one I'll give the rest to girls you can find a venue

[01:19:16] that's about a hundred you fifty not women in the audience that you will

[01:19:19] personally be responsible for bringing into the green room to meet me

[01:19:23] mmm shout out to Noah in Pittsburgh who's working on setting up a show for us

[01:19:27] right now if you want us to come to his girlfriend will be servicing us

[01:19:32] yeah we will be happy to know his girlfriend so if you if you have access

[01:19:39] to like about a hundred hundred fifty capacity venue with seats please let us

[01:19:44] know we're also we have a couple ideas for places we know like yeah sorry do

[01:19:49] any of that we're not leaving New York ever we're the die here if you want to

[01:19:54] send me pictures of your titties and I might yeah I'm not Angeles again in a

[01:19:59] couple weeks permanently no really maybe fuck yeah so the

[01:20:05] podcast shows over yeah okay you guys want to move the Los Angeles no I could

[01:20:10] figure something out we'll figure it out I'm kidding I'm not I might have to go

[01:20:14] back though we'll figure it out yeah yeah there but I know I know I know just

[01:20:18] bank some well maybe we'll come out we are layboys yeah even if like things

[01:20:23] don't I still have to go out to sue that Korean landlord got you do you have to

[01:20:29] be there of course it's small claims oh you can't just have a lawyer do it yeah

[01:20:34] not for for $200 a lawyer's not gonna go alright he literally owes you $200

[01:20:39] it's less than that it's less than that goes before $5 all of this is so awesome

[01:20:45] you're such a fucking kite dude it's crazy he owes like $2,000 right yeah

[01:20:49] something like that and then and then you can get twice the amount of deposit

[01:20:52] but it's principal because the guys are fucking asshole yeah fuck that guy yeah

[01:20:55] all right well yeah thank you for listening a lawsuit doesn't work out I'm

[01:20:59] gonna hire Mark Wahlberg to do a little little bit of a little fish go little

[01:21:06] walk down memory lane for a mark mark I still love the little bit I'm in the

[01:21:13] fucking guy when he fucking jabs his eye out he goes you fuck a Vietnamese shit

[01:21:18] is that what he said yeah something like that wow what a cool guy not even a

[01:21:22] slur if anyone can find that Mark Wahlberg inside the actor studio read

[01:21:28] discusses that assault remember he has like a pretty cavalier attitude about it

[01:21:32] really yeah I haven't seen it in like a decade but I vaguely remember him being

[01:21:37] on talking to James Lipton about doing that shit and in 1989 you assaulted

[01:21:45] Vietnamese yeah yeah James I was looking at this is it your dream Adam to be on

[01:21:52] that show no to be interviewed by James Lipton my dream

[01:21:57] for real my dream is to be interviewed by Terry Gross on fresh air that's a

[01:22:02] legitimate dream of mine that'd be cool I love Terry my dream is to be a one of

[01:22:07] the cast members on the Tom Joyner morning

[01:22:09] yeah my dream is to be a drive time that is the best radio show which one is

[01:22:23] that Tom Joyner is that like a good morning you listen into the middle age

[01:22:26] black people laughing morning oh yeah yeah yeah it's literally just them

[01:22:31] laughing for two hours that rules yeah that every day is the best day in the

[01:22:36] world to them I would like to go into the archives and find the September 11th

[01:22:40] 2001 episode of the time and I doubt they got through it without laughing

[01:22:47] because I don't know how they would fill the time if it wasn't there wasn't

[01:22:50] just someone cackling and saying oh Lord please get for them at least once on

[01:22:55] that show all right well I'm Tom Joyner and this is the Tom Joyner afternoon

[01:23:00] show and you guys are great oh wow fuck sorry yeah and hour 23 yeah free 23

[01:23:07] minutes yeah so please delete the last please don't listen to the last one yeah

[01:23:13] you haven't earned it