Cum Town | Regular | 07/06/2017
[00:00:00] well i did it boys i went and i got a four k
[00:00:07] nix can be happy the rest of his life and so the next purchase
[00:00:12] that's a real with these fucking speakers to
[00:00:17] but it's the biggest mile i think i've seen on your face yeah i mean it gets
[00:00:20] better and better every time no he was smiling pretty pick pretty big when it
[00:00:24] is talking about woodwork no this top's the woodworking do this with there's a
[00:00:27] glimmer in his eye this is when i got this tv i wasn't this happy
[00:00:30] no dude yeah this is pure joy no you're actually kind of in a foul mood
[00:00:35] i wasn't in a foul no it was the beginning it was it was the beginning of
[00:00:39] him being happy yeah it was the start you know
[00:00:43] but this means that money like solve anything
[00:00:47] that's the moral that's the thing is like people are like oh money won't make you
[00:00:53] but if you're constantly amassing more and more money and finding dumber
[00:00:57] and i was just and oh yeah the idea that like people who make like a hundred
[00:01:01] million dollars a year aren't incredibly happy
[00:01:04] yeah well actually their kids are pretty depressed it's like yeah they
[00:01:10] kids are never gonna fucking them out to anything you know if you're the guy
[00:01:14] that makes the money right if you're like screlly or some shit even though he's
[00:01:19] yeah that's a bad example yeah well then just because because the government
[00:01:23] is trying to fucking take his money away from you know
[00:01:27] fucking there you go to pieces shit government will live and live his life
[00:01:32] welcome back to part of the problem into libertarianism has commenced
[00:01:37] no i'm all four taxes taxes are fine yeah what's bullshit is like the government
[00:01:43] fucking bringing charges against a guy just because he's
[00:01:49] that's my stance fuck fuck albanyons fuck half of
[00:01:52] action bromman which so of your i was their deal there's three of them
[00:01:57] the two of them are boys ones a girl and they live in the Warner Brothers tower
[00:02:05] that's where fucking there's some sort of cat
[00:02:10] the enemy and he does not like one of them yeah
[00:02:13] the girl and that's where they're going to to jail him is the Warner Brothers
[00:02:17] when he does get locked up so you know keep an eye on these red lights here
[00:02:23] okay if they shut off then that means that I should have replaced the batteries
[00:02:27] okay in the recorder will we lose the recording if they shut off no it'll just
[00:02:31] cut off wherever the battery dies okay yeah this might be a 17 minute episode
[00:02:35] guys um yeah well you know what I got will loop loads of batteries hey I got a
[00:02:41] bunch I got a bunch of them but for whatever reason sometimes like I'll get
[00:02:45] like 30 episodes out of one charge with these mm-hmm and then other times they
[00:02:50] get like two episodes when it's really funny do I know I think it takes more
[00:02:54] things yeah high the levels are think of I set the levels right it's not a
[00:02:57] problem but anyway it's back to the word back to the electronic consumer
[00:03:02] electronics corner consumer cool corner cool consumer corner with grand
[00:03:11] wizard savings the grand whiz the whiz the wiz the Michael Jackson yeah no the
[00:03:23] black wizard no the fucking the the the electronics store the whiz oh yeah the
[00:03:28] whiz yeah of course yeah I don't but that's uh it's that basically grand whiz
[00:03:33] come on down the road they'd be funny if the black wizard of ours was actually
[00:03:38] the grand wizard the grand whiz well I'll tell you it really does make a
[00:03:45] difference and having move on out because you know you can stream 4k but it
[00:03:50] always looks kind of choppy the frame rates always fucked up and there's like
[00:03:54] buffering issue and so you need the 4k you need you ready you need is the
[00:03:58] word you absolutely need it I mean this is the only way to I'm watching Mad Max
[00:04:02] for the fifth time yeah this shit rock and I saw it in theaters a little
[00:04:06] disappointed because they let you know who's in there so even though it's a big
[00:04:12] screen and the sound is good the experiences are ruined by Asian people
[00:04:19] there it is yeah you guys are probably guessing black oh no I don't mind that
[00:04:24] in fact I only watched it with DVD commentary yeah
[00:04:37] debo commentary debo D yeah no the commentary isn't bother me what bothers
[00:04:45] me is Asian people take their shoes off and use their phone go through the
[00:04:50] garbage you recycling during the movie they use they use the movie theater is
[00:04:54] an opportunity to finally parent their children you ask later later there's
[00:05:03] not much recyclable though there yeah popcorn you can't really cycle the bags
[00:05:07] you know what would I remember I saw a movie with my dad and some like
[00:05:11] Filipino family was just talking the entire time and at the end of the movie
[00:05:15] my dad's like I'm gonna ask for a refund and he like made me go with him to the
[00:05:18] manager's office awesome and the manager was like why'd you watch the whole
[00:05:22] movie yeah and I was like yeah why did we watch the whole movie if you're gonna
[00:05:26] do this he's like I don't know I don't know I'm a white American dammit yeah
[00:05:34] and a Filipino annoyed me what movie well he's I can't even remember he's like
[00:05:38] he's one of those guys that's like like I'm gonna show them who's never been
[00:05:43] boss right right right right right right right right right right right right
[00:05:45] you know where he thinks he's gonna win some dispute with a customer service
[00:05:49] department and yeah they just hang up on him nothing you're actually very
[00:05:55] persistent with a customer service remember so am I yeah oh yeah yeah I guess
[00:06:01] lately I have it yeah always on the on the phone well I used to be I used to be a
[00:06:05] call center guy so I know how to speak to them you know the biz yeah yeah you
[00:06:10] know a secret coach I used to work at a call center and I would fucking I hated
[00:06:13] my job and I hated being on the phone all day long mm-hmm and then I would get
[00:06:16] home and I would get drunk on my porch and prank call the call center that you
[00:06:26] what a fucking stupid life well because I work there I knew exactly what to say
[00:06:34] to keep people on the phone right yeah yeah an hour and a half just out of
[00:06:38] ruin someone's nice so fun and just pretend to be like an old woman that's
[00:06:42] like and you know I'm like I need help setting up my email and I had all the
[00:06:49] screens memorized so like I would get them to help me through like almost
[00:06:53] every step of the way and then the last one I'd be like okay well then they're
[00:06:59] like now click start and I'm like where's start and then like down on the bottom
[00:07:02] of the screen and like they've already been through this with me I'd be like is
[00:07:06] it where it says finder and I would like drop hints that it was a completely
[00:07:09] different operating system like change the entire like max at that at the very
[00:07:14] last step and then they would lose their fucking minds and have to restart the
[00:07:19] entire time there was always just like inconsistencies in the way so the way
[00:07:26] how do they track whether you're a good employee because you were clearly we're
[00:07:29] not all they didn't give a shit I mean people quit so often I remember there's
[00:07:32] one time first of all everyone to work there imagine this a workplace with
[00:07:36] 600 people where I am the coolest guy so that was like the average employee was
[00:07:47] like the biggest fucking there was a girl that would bring like a doll and
[00:07:50] she would sit there and brush its hair oh my gosh there were multiple people
[00:07:55] that wore tails because they were furries yes yeah yeah like see each other
[00:08:00] and go fox tails yeah like they were no yeah dude oh my god
[00:08:06] there was a guy that had like a shirt that was like they were gay as shit
[00:08:12] there was this one guy there's this one guy that had a fucking like a shirt that
[00:08:16] was like you know like bomb squad coming through or something but yeah
[00:08:20] bomb squat was crossed off and it was like tech support oh yeah that guy also
[00:08:25] had like a like a like a like a theatrical cane like a long case like a
[00:08:30] skull on the top he didn't he was so awesome yeah oh man yeah no there were
[00:08:41] so there were so many of those people but did they hang out like after work with
[00:08:45] each other no no there was a break room that always just smelled fucking awful
[00:08:50] yeah yeah there was like I remember there was one hot girl that worked there
[00:08:54] well I found her again because it was like I had like had a supreme confidence I
[00:09:00] just like went up to her and was like hey yeah we should like hang out some time
[00:09:04] I was like hey what's your name she like turns around she's like hi I'm
[00:09:07] Cassandra and she was like just oh no a complete nerd I'm sorry you know it's
[00:09:15] the fox tail hanging out yeah I talked to her for like 10 minutes and then
[00:09:19] dude come on never again I said the girl is that the girls Oreos you wait
[00:09:25] girl or whatever no not down so we're talking about
[00:09:27] aspergers what are you talking about I don't remember that what there was a
[00:09:33] girl a girl that you said had autism oh that was in New York when he was
[00:09:38] staying that asper girl I was making a joke about oh yeah yeah yeah you can have
[00:09:45] two or three fucking monster nice did so you wouldn't you wouldn't fuck a nerd
[00:09:53] that was hot it would like like she smelled but like she didn't smell bad
[00:09:59] but she had that smell bad aura where it was like this is just yeah I lost
[00:10:03] interest I know you said I understand where you're coming from but I don't
[00:10:07] know what particular nuance or what it was in the context of that situation I
[00:10:11] know what you mean that made me pull the plug on that because there's a vibe of
[00:10:15] like not just nerd but like just uncool in like a high school way like that I
[00:10:20] can that I'm fine with it's it was just there was something like you know from
[00:10:25] 20 feet away it was like yeah she's like pretty you're like oh never mind it's
[00:10:29] like the red and stinky close-ups like that anyhow there is one time at that
[00:10:35] call center where there was this there's this guy like we didn't have a signed
[00:10:38] seating or anything we just had these like small cubicles and there's this guy
[00:10:41] two cubicles across from me and all the cubicle dividers were like
[00:10:44] translucent so you could see through them sort of you know like a some degree of
[00:10:49] privacy and this guy would bring his laptop and just watch legend is Zelda
[00:10:53] yeah wind waker and he was like sitting right next to his boss and he's on the
[00:11:01] phone with somebody he's like no sir click again on that section click again
[00:11:06] and then he would mute the phone be like you fucking imbecile you fucking
[00:11:10] piece of shit like just keep trying just just you'll find it you'll click on
[00:11:17] the right thing mute you cunt you fucking cut piece of shit like you know like
[00:11:23] Zelda is like hopping around in the fucking background and like it's like
[00:11:28] lost has to come over and like put his hand on his shoulder and be like Jared
[00:11:33] Jeremy come down eventually lost it and like hung up on the guy he's like oh I
[00:11:39] want to make my fucking hot chocolate and the boss said to like go into the
[00:11:43] break room and make his hot chocolate for him and bring it back to him
[00:11:46] good God hold that man off the front line he shell shocked there's a too much
[00:11:53] for being a fucking man dude maybe Republicans are right call center was
[00:11:59] too much for that guy dude what a piece of shit well what's hilarious is like
[00:12:03] it is like ten years ago everyone bitch about like you call call center now you
[00:12:08] get some gone India oh they know his name isn't Tony yeah he's lying to me
[00:12:14] saying his name's Tony it's like why do you need to know Vikram's name yeah
[00:12:18] yeah it doesn't fucking matter at all his name is Tony because of people like
[00:12:23] you fucking complained about his name being Vikram yeah but I do that I had to
[00:12:28] call Amazon all the time cuz like fucking every every courier service in
[00:12:32] New York is like trash and I know there's a UPS guy who listens to his show and
[00:12:37] that's out he probably has yes guy probably isn't delivered you just gank
[00:12:40] fast like I delivered shit outside in New York where things actually show up
[00:12:43] fucking 90% of the time yeah I mean it's like 50% failure rate when it gets
[00:12:49] shit and I do everything through Amazon now because it's fucking easier but
[00:12:52] half the time it requires like calling Amazon customer support and saying
[00:12:56] like yeah UPS isn't delivering this shit so get on them and Amazon
[00:13:01] Amazon has like way more leverage than you do as like just a consumer right
[00:13:05] cuz they'll call up UPS and be like yeah we're gonna have this driver thrown
[00:13:09] in jail deported and oh yeah dude Bezos baby yeah dude most of the time I'll
[00:13:17] get like a Malaysian person that'll help me in the call center and they're so
[00:13:23] they're so much more effective oh yeah when you get like just some fucking
[00:13:26] bitch from you know oh my god Nashville wherever the other one is yeah you know
[00:13:32] excuse me sir how of good good afternoon how dare you call Amazon my name is
[00:13:38] Tunisia how may I hang up on you today yeah I will not be taking notes on this
[00:13:46] call on my hands are busy right now I will not remember any of this and it
[00:13:51] won't go into the computer is there a number I can never call you back on if
[00:13:56] we get disconnected there's a I T guy in my old office I want you to call 911
[00:14:02] report yourself tell them there's an armed woman they'll know which one I
[00:14:09] always live as my shit dude I don't know what it is maybe they don't respect
[00:14:13] you I don't know you know what it is I think of the doorbell doesn't work yeah
[00:14:17] your doorbell doesn't work it hasn't worked for months I just don't answer
[00:14:19] the door when you I know well I know I know that you ring the bell yeah it's
[00:14:24] a disrespect it's not a disrespect it is completely disrespectful it can be
[00:14:29] waiting for you to assume that I'm gonna stop what I'm doing to answer the door
[00:14:33] for you to do the show that I'm not on your schedule when I say we started one
[00:14:40] that doesn't mean you come at 1258 it also doesn't mean that you come at
[00:14:47] fucking 102 oh really one o'clock you got a 60 second window and if you're
[00:14:53] not there at one o'clock guess who's starting another round of conquest on
[00:14:57] battlefield me and those are 30 minute matches there's so long if I have if I
[00:15:02] have a five six plus kill streak you better believe I'm not getting up and
[00:15:07] ruining mm-hmm this is the respect I'm talking about you have to give it to
[00:15:11] him that makes sense what he just said no it does not make sense you may think
[00:15:17] it's corny or you know sort of embarrassing that I'm I dedicate that
[00:15:22] much time and effort to gaming but you know what I'm a fucking millionaire so
[00:15:29] maybe you should have spent for the entirety of your early 20s and teen years
[00:15:35] gaming your way mm-hmm to a level of respect yeah yeah I respect you and I
[00:15:41] respect the way I get the way I get Nick to open the door for me is I am playing
[00:15:46] battlefield from my phone yeah somehow yeah I message him on the PS4
[00:15:52] messaging system the PSP messaging system and that's how that's actually the
[00:15:57] closest Adam gets the right battlefield is going like one more one what is that
[00:16:01] like Alsace and Lorraine so something like that was it something like yeah like
[00:16:09] like von Richt oven is that like what's actually really uh not accurate
[00:16:16] because most of the time spent in the the bunkers it's weird how like the
[00:16:20] German metals had French names doesn't everyone else know that yeah don't we
[00:16:25] all know that yeah that's just a tidbit observation that they really do some of
[00:16:29] them yeah they're like got French poor poor poor la Mary that's a German metal
[00:16:35] yeah all their all the metals is that from the
[00:16:38] gassed in the army yeah it is the most dicksucks get the poor la Maui yeah we
[00:16:44] I'm going to power I am gay that's good what did you guys do on the force
[00:16:47] king of a man put his dick in your eyes from France that's our official
[00:16:57] national anthem song intro music the France you don't have an anthem
[00:17:02] they have a jingle it's used to sell baguettes also yeah yeah but you put
[00:17:10] that's the way that half of course that's the way they you know the way they
[00:17:14] store the transport bag in their ass yeah because I was a bicycle yeah like
[00:17:19] when you see a French guy they go by and they've got the bag at coming out of
[00:17:23] the front of the bicycle you go like oh where's your friend and he goes what
[00:17:27] friend you go the one that sits on the front of the bicycle that thing shoved
[00:17:32] up his ass that's a fucking hamburger look at bitch we saved your ass in every
[00:17:38] war every single one of the wars Vietnam World War II Iraq Iran afghanistan
[00:17:43] North Korea Russia it is funny how much you know really was just a dramatic
[00:17:49] war saved your ass in this wild that Vietnam Vietnam was because of French
[00:17:56] people well I mean they were just there first no come on yeah I was their fault
[00:18:00] it was French colliding their fault otherwise there would be no reason for
[00:18:03] communism if if the Vietnamese were allowed to just you know eat berries
[00:18:07] and do karate or whatever it was going on that God forsaken shit up I mark
[00:18:12] walrus yeah before they showed up in their lane each other and and pressing
[00:18:17] on nails they wouldn't have needed to become a who do you think really won the
[00:18:23] Vietnam War II think that the think we did I think that we did yeah I don't think
[00:18:28] we've ever lost or we want it if you think about it because you know I don't
[00:18:32] see any American women painting the nails of fat Vietnamese ladies yeah
[00:18:37] that's true you know what I mean you know I think about a lot of time is like
[00:18:40] the French and Indian War uh-huh how bad that must have smelled it was actually
[00:18:49] it was poo and job is actually he in these india it was a cook off
[00:18:57] god damn the two smelly is the smelly is French fat guy and the smelly is fat
[00:19:04] Indian guy wrestling it just smells like the fucking the choux tree outside of
[00:19:11] the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit remember how bad that shit smelled when you're a kid
[00:19:15] disgusting what the fuck is this oh yes you never get over guarding the the
[00:19:20] ball pit do you ever have a weird friend sniff that shit no oh yeah Adam reacted
[00:19:26] kind of personally no it wasn't me you know you fucking weirdo no but it's
[00:19:33] fucking something about already shoes he's like actually it's pheromones he's
[00:19:37] like yelling some fact that the other kids it is the most common the other
[00:19:41] kids are like fuck you bitch I don't think you're never gonna be on a
[00:19:44] pie it is it's the most it's the most common fetish foot fetish no it's just
[00:19:49] the most of your y'all is the other kids in a ball pit I was sold recently my
[00:19:53] friend it's the most actually no you're deaf now it's weird I don't know anyone
[00:20:00] there's they are one and I'm deaf do you know anyone like I'm his poppest he
[00:20:06] he's openly foot foot fetish it's so funny the only people I know that are
[00:20:10] open I feel like that kind of shit is like specifically with New York comics
[00:20:14] it's like almost like a put-on that really and that in like the shapels as
[00:20:18] he's a foot fetish being into like trans women I'm sure they are but I feel
[00:20:22] like there's like a little bit of a put-on it's like part of what a New York
[00:20:26] comic identity to be like I like feet I've seen yeah the look in Yannes Ziz was
[00:20:32] the same when he was describing feet as you describing your electronics dude
[00:20:35] yeah I don't want to fuck electronics you do you could if there was a way to to
[00:20:39] fuck your sounds no actually there is that's an option when you spend 700
[00:20:45] hours on a receiver but I'm not going to a receiver you will because it's
[00:20:50] passive entertainment dude once you like to I don't like to fuck anything once
[00:20:54] you've maybe if it sucked my dick sure that that's what I'm saying but I'm not
[00:20:58] doing okay what I think you will have a choice if a piece of machinery
[00:21:03] first game into your house and said I'm gonna suck your dick that first of all
[00:21:08] there's very little you could do about it if the machinery had made its mind
[00:21:11] put its mind yeah I said it was are you are you John Connor
[00:21:18] I am from the future they reprogrammed me to I don't want to say it but in the
[00:21:33] future this is money we there's no more currencies so we have to I have to do
[00:21:40] this because it is giving you money you're a very rich man in the future
[00:21:47] you hold a lot of money I think about like the colonists the kind of America
[00:21:52] the explorers or whatever and like you know they meet the native Americans in
[00:21:56] the Native Americans are like bringing them like a dead dog with some bone
[00:21:59] shoved in its head and they're like this is a sign of respect in our culture
[00:22:04] where we're from and like if they're they had to be at least one call call
[00:22:09] this it was like you know oh well what we do is as a sign of respect is we put
[00:22:15] our our penis in your mouth as like a gift yeah dude so we have to respect
[00:22:23] each other so I'm taking your dog thing you got a yeah and that's how South
[00:22:28] America was created mm-hmm that's Portugal dude yeah just that's why they
[00:22:33] talk with that sports to go out I am from Brazil generations of having a
[00:22:40] man's dick in their mouth I am from Brazil I love to fuck and to dance what
[00:22:47] a funny country yeah there's half Nazi half like slave descendant dancing yeah
[00:22:53] it's funny how much how much slavery was going on in Brazil so much what people
[00:22:58] are like in the United States Brazil yeah the United States has such a dark
[00:23:03] history yeah I mean which we do but of course you compare it to fucking Brazil
[00:23:08] Jesus well every I think I have basically everyone has slaves if they could if
[00:23:12] they can like in history yeah but shitty civil you know that's like that's the
[00:23:17] thing where it's like you talk about the Holocaust and people are like well
[00:23:20] every culture has been genocide and it's like yeah but that's not the
[00:23:24] conversation we're talking about right about the Holocaust right and like this
[00:23:27] specific and also not at that level of genocide that was some real fucking yeah
[00:23:33] that was some real deal like they had like spreadsheets to make sure the
[00:23:37] genocide yeah IBM IBM made the computers wild yeah 12,000 Jews died it's
[00:23:42] crazy yeah well I those are my I've seen 8,000 you say eight I've seen eight
[00:23:49] okay I stand corrected if you buy enough IBM stuff they give you those spread
[00:23:54] the number I was zero exactly zero Jewish people died in between 1938 and 1944
[00:24:03] it's so funny that even their natural didn't happen there's a Holocaust revision
[00:24:10] and revisionist conference in I liked what I like to call it is the Holocaust
[00:24:19] well if we were going to just read though it with the original vision where
[00:24:24] we want constrained by the studios we would have shot them all in in 70
[00:24:31] millimeter I used to do a bit about how I got Schindler's list deluxe Blu-ray
[00:24:36] DVD and there is 40 extra minutes of hilarious bloopers sounds like a great
[00:24:43] bit yeah it didn't really work that well it doesn't work because you say
[00:24:46] Blu-ray do you like mess up saying Blu-ray a bunch what did I say no no I'm
[00:24:51] saying in the bit do you do like a comic like oh yeah messing something up
[00:24:55] blue ultra ray of Blu-ray don't don't know ten don't criticize my my affect
[00:25:02] ten 4k yeah I think it's a ten 4k UH is there were the crux of the bit lies
[00:25:07] that's fun no the crux of the bit is that they're you do it the same way every
[00:25:12] single time that's even Spielberg thought it was funny to I did I did a sex
[00:25:18] anyway there was this Holocaust there's this Holocaust revisionist I don't know
[00:25:23] how to speak isn't that funny then I when Ahmadinejad was in charge of Iran
[00:25:28] yet oh I'm a I'm a bandit is a fuck up this is guy Ajim Ajim and Junan Jai
[00:25:33] I said his name the right way yeah I'm a dinner John I said his name the right
[00:25:40] way because I respect yeah he had a he had a Holocaust revisionism conference
[00:25:45] and the like day is on the stage was just him and then like all these like
[00:25:50] like South Williamsburg like Ottoman on the head like ultra Orthodox Jews because
[00:25:55] there's a sec yeah there's a sect of ultra Orthodox Jews who like don't
[00:25:59] believe in Israel they don't believe in the Holocaust what because they think
[00:26:02] that Jews can only return to the Holy Land when the Messiah comes so they
[00:26:06] think they don't think G.I. right right right so they think it's like sacrilege so
[00:26:10] but the picture of like the cut the anti the like holidays the day is the
[00:26:16] funny news dude what happened on the dinner job he was around he was doing
[00:26:20] shit he's out doesn't even Twitter now yeah I think he joined Twitter shit
[00:26:25] poster now yeah he put he's a meme aggregator no that's Chris rock I know
[00:26:29] that sucks if that's the Chris rectus whatever man he came up before that
[00:26:33] generation yeah what we're referencing is that Chris rocks Instagram is just a
[00:26:39] meme aggregation and now it's now it's selfies he started doing selfies yeah
[00:26:44] it's funny how like even the best people become irrelevant at some point in
[00:26:48] comedy at least yeah I don't know I don't know I think the next one he's gonna do
[00:26:53] is gonna be good you mentioned how much like special how much George
[00:26:56] Carlin would suck if he was still alive who's doing memes yeah yeah if
[00:27:00] George Carlin was trying to be on social media oh my god some old guys are not
[00:27:05] bad at social media though I mean Norm's not old but he's not terrible at social
[00:27:09] media although he tweets about golf a lot to golf and God and yeah oh yeah he's
[00:27:13] religious yeah it's gonna be funny how completely irrelevant all the
[00:27:18] millennial comedians are gonna be in like I'm in there oh yeah yeah I mean I'm
[00:27:23] myself included and you guys not me baby I'm gonna reinvent myself no I
[00:27:28] said well I was really surprised when the first time I met Nick you were drunk
[00:27:32] and having the breakdown at funny moms and you got on state and Brandon
[00:27:36] Wardell like DM he's like dude this guy just moved back to town he's fucking
[00:27:40] hilarious he's like one of my favorite comics he should book him on funny
[00:27:43] moms and you're like just getting drunk at the bar and then you like get on stage
[00:27:47] you're like I'll tell you what the fuck this show is this is the fucking alt
[00:27:49] comedy bullshit it was going up on stage bullshit not me it was dude no no
[00:27:56] which is like no it's a body was like hiding in a box he was doing like a
[00:27:59] box yeah yeah no no I thought Chris Miller was faking his accent you thought
[00:28:04] he was doing a bit I thought somebody was pretending to be British for they
[00:28:08] be a British dickhead well they really done a lot of research no no I'm not
[00:28:14] saying you were wrong I'm not saying you were wrong then shut up no no but well
[00:28:18] let me finish what I thought was like oh this guy's like very like cuz that
[00:28:22] was around the time when Bill Burr was like fuck all comedy and that kind of
[00:28:25] thing but I'm saying it way before Burr if anything no you're right you're right
[00:28:29] stolen from me okay that's fun but but then like I saw your Twitter and I was
[00:28:34] like oh he's also a weird Twitter guy he's like a club comedy guy and a weird
[00:28:38] Twitter guy it's like a very strange mixture of two worlds I was very taken
[00:28:42] aback and then we became friends yeah you guys I would say we were already friends
[00:28:46] I was sitting on you on the show you run and all of your friends yeah there
[00:28:52] was a difference early funny mom's was very strange yeah it was like cuz I
[00:28:56] also remember you tried to book me and it but you said no bits you say straight
[00:29:00] up said no you said yeah don't do stand up that was the original concert and I
[00:29:03] was like that's gay yeah it was gay so I didn't respect highly gay like the
[00:29:08] name itself yeah yeah I wish we could get rid of that man you can do something else
[00:29:13] that's a good like syllabically it has a good ring to it but it's very well it's
[00:29:16] so good we sounds like a comedy show suck dick and that's the fucking the funniest
[00:29:21] comedy show name there was one here called dog shit that's great which is
[00:29:25] hilarious I wish that was the name of funny mom yeah you can do it like that
[00:29:30] does every PCB show is like let's let's do it or you can let's one called make it
[00:29:37] happen at fucking Tuesday nights at UCBE said 11 I'd love to make it happen if
[00:29:43] you book it and literally literally two days literally Tuesday would be a
[00:29:47] great name for a fucking shit you know you're you're you're you're fucking what
[00:29:54] was that your black comedy night just it was a call to Larry's to
[00:30:03] Troy the comedian brings you apostrophe to comedian to Larry's to comedian
[00:30:11] lapostropic international money media production yeah wait to see
[00:30:27] I think LLC trademark register like just like it went crazy on a business keyboard
[00:30:35] like this is every letter is circled like the sea there is no chance you
[00:30:42] filled out paperwork it's too hilarious to use this wait too much money laugh
[00:30:47] makers entertainment baby dude who's that guy it's always it's always like a
[00:30:53] cityscape at night like diamond plate steel letters and then maybe like a
[00:31:00] lipstick kiss and then old time you microphone the Larry came microphone
[00:31:07] oh god that's amazing if you guys get this this is very good
[00:31:12] remember T Brad he has that Mike tattooed on him it's like what do you do stand
[00:31:18] up man he's never used it he Brad Hudson Brad Hudson baby used to run he
[00:31:25] used to run a fucking that that show at a Timonium and what the fuck was that
[00:31:30] bar called Timonium I thought that's McGuby's no no it was a Sunday it was a
[00:31:34] Sunday night show Coco Lane no someone told me hi tops hi tops it was the land
[00:31:40] of fucking purple camo dude it was awesome I remember having some jokes
[00:31:44] there that I thought were ironically racist and then I told them there and
[00:31:47] they would crush I'd do them everywhere else there's like oh this was just racist
[00:31:51] and those people are racist yep they had some good wings though dude they have
[00:31:57] 50 cent wings on Sundays I think that shows not start I think that shows done
[00:32:02] man I miss those terrible shows they were so bad dude I fucking it was like I
[00:32:06] miss I miss Monday nights at sidebar so much it's still popping dude that's
[00:32:11] it was some well I'm not drunk anymore that's it let's fucking do coke and
[00:32:15] we didn't go to good design bar just a new five every week yeah baby shit it was
[00:32:22] so easy to crush there I only do it once yeah everyone was fucking sidebar was
[00:32:26] my shit do you know it was fun yeah I used to go all the time oh but what I
[00:32:30] love is it fucking what's his name Luke oh big dick Luke no what's his real name
[00:32:36] he has a big dick he's the very time that I know that he has a big day I said
[00:32:41] what is this name I don't know but he had a beautiful hug his name Luke I had that
[00:32:46] he was like a goofy ass motherfucker yeah yeah I know yeah yeah yeah cuz you
[00:32:51] can all well what you do is you fuck the baby in its ass yeah but while you're
[00:32:59] fucking it it's you know dying this is spot on you don't know Luke but he
[00:33:06] sounds exactly like this Luke he was like kind of like a prepier dude yeah he
[00:33:12] was like a finance guy yeah he was like a finite yeah he did he worked for like
[00:33:15] Merrill Lynch yeah and he would run that money go to Mike's you go to Mike's
[00:33:19] say the most horrific shit but he was a he was a good joke writer he really was
[00:33:23] he was a good joke writer Luke Marshall Luke Marshall that was it and it was
[00:33:27] like fucking the most offensive jokes but like clever but like jazz like
[00:33:31] jazz you want to fucking hate him cuz he's like a finance guy yeah you know he's
[00:33:35] wearing like khakis or whatever and he's got such a DTS smile yeah cuz then you
[00:33:41] you raper I guess you know and he would smile like a high L like a high one of
[00:33:46] snow if snow weight had a dude stone delves I like I recommended him for
[00:33:51] re-ride I remember that I was there I went there and he fucking hate and
[00:33:42] his dick and Kurtated and yeah and it's just like alienating everybody I'm
[00:34:03] laughing I think it's funny I didn't set him up for failure yeah yeah I am a
[00:34:08] terrible you enjoyed it yeah no I'm like a terrible judge of of what will sell I
[00:34:13] have like no everyone that I've been like that guy's hilarious like killed
[00:34:17] themselves yeah everyone I've been like that guy sucks as you quit is now has a
[00:34:22] sitcom yeah yeah every single one nice but yeah what we were we took a
[00:34:31] note he took over the mic and like immediately just assaulted a customer
[00:34:36] who's awesome straight straight some guy was like talking and he was like you
[00:34:41] come up here I'll kick your ass wait what was that some a Rallo or someone
[00:34:51] posted video of like a fight at a mic in PG County oh hell yeah that was it one
[00:34:56] of those PG County shows whichever I think that whole crew it was like Lawrence
[00:35:02] Owens and and Naeem comedian Naeem and then there was like three or four other
[00:35:06] guys oh yeah yeah Joe something I told me about someone called her name was like
[00:35:13] I don't know Brittany the original miss Dan the original damn she thick the
[00:35:21] original damn she thick fuck I fucked that up missed the original damn she
[00:35:30] Brittany the comedian the original damn she thick I remember there's a skull
[00:35:37] there's a skull cat Rams in ski in Austin who did some like they still have
[00:35:41] these like shitty runs you could go on that were like I don't know the funny
[00:35:46] bones or the comedy zones I can't remember I never did it but it was like
[00:35:49] little rock Houston and then some other fucking shit town do like the other
[00:35:54] three of them yeah whatever you do you host like two times and then they let
[00:35:57] you feature so it's not a bad deal actually I don't remember if that was it
[00:36:00] but she went on a run she went on a run with these two black ladies from Houston
[00:36:06] and cat had to drive and she's telling the story about like picking them up or
[00:36:11] like she's going with them and she has her notebook with her and she's going to
[00:36:14] her notebook and they're like are you journaling or something and she's like
[00:36:17] no I'm just like working on a bit and they like both burst out laughing they're
[00:36:21] like you write your shit down and they're like honey no no what you do is
[00:36:28] watch Monique videos and kind of do the her act worse repeat things you heard
[00:36:35] somewhere else and no it's not stealing if you put your own little saus on it yeah
[00:36:48] they were like berating her for writing down jokes to be to be fair I don't think
[00:36:52] I've written down a joke in like four years yeah yeah yeah I've never actually
[00:36:59] written out a bit once ever I mean well you sound like these ladies well I write
[00:37:04] down something that'll remind me of it yeah yeah me too like keywords yeah yeah
[00:37:08] um you got to put you say it's only good little little little I don't know about
[00:37:15] that cat Williams video again we're where he gets punched by a boy you want to
[00:37:19] little boy you want to do little boy I can't believe that he's by a child that is
[00:37:25] the best it is the best way of all time the one on the one where he's in a
[00:37:31] target and he's given the people the finger after he slapped a cashier really
[00:37:35] good one too man that was really good I love cat we got to take a quick
[00:37:39] commercial break we'll be back after this hello everybody this is Nick
[00:37:43] president of the DSA and host of popular radio program come town I'm here to tell
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[00:38:42] like your first pair of underwear you can keep it and they'll refund your money
[00:38:45] no questions asked not only do their underwear socks and shirts look good but
[00:38:50] they perform well too they they're moist you're wicking so you can wear them in
[00:38:54] the gym you know you can take them out on dates with the guys or girls you know
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[00:39:08] and underwear so go to Mac welled.com and get 20% off using promo code come town
[00:39:17] and we're back this is Natalie and brilliant yes yes dude torn yes bitch
[00:39:27] it's my playlist oh man damn she's in the beat off she's in the early beat off
[00:39:33] Hall of Fame that Dolby 5.1 surround is really kick it mm-hmm dude she had she
[00:39:39] had like short hair right yeah she look good well it doesn't sound it doesn't
[00:39:44] sound as good as it should because this is just Apple music which doesn't put
[00:39:50] everything out and you know it's a lossy format yeah no what you need is they
[00:39:56] make a super audio CDs completely lossless they don't I don't think any I
[00:40:05] don't think any like commercial music is a man inch nails it's not a none of its
[00:40:09] mastered in anything other than like stereo nine inch nails releases all of his
[00:40:14] albums and lossless it's more it's more there's loss lossless meaning it's not
[00:40:19] sampled but then it doesn't mean that there's more than two channels to sound
[00:40:22] oh yeah I don't know yeah you don't know yeah you don't know a title don't know
[00:40:28] what you're talking about I don't know a high quality we record this in three
[00:40:32] channels yeah so I could theoretically output yeah you know me and Stav is the
[00:40:37] subs and then uses the dom is the tweeter dumb little girl power to sub all power
[00:40:43] bull top and more than the we'd see yeah you're the fucking twink-ass speaker
[00:40:49] fuck I didn't know there was a gay speaker yeah there is and it's Adam that's
[00:40:54] awesome dude congratulations he goes to conferences and explains to people
[00:40:57] Hage is yeah it's a fire up but okay kids you know we're halfway through the
[00:41:05] school year and as a special treat we've got a gay speaker it's gonna it's gonna
[00:41:10] really ramp you guys up excited about the second half of the year you know I
[00:41:15] know you think algebra is pretty fucking lame but you know it's a little
[00:41:19] lamer than that putting another man's penis in your house starring Adam
[00:41:23] Friedland and Adam walks out on stage boom no I'm not a famous gay guy I'm not an
[00:41:30] actor or musician or anything cool I'm just the regular gay guy who fucks men
[00:41:34] no I'd have like kids I used to be just like you Adam's dr. Phil now now you
[00:41:42] might think it's cool to do drugs and say cuss words to your father but I'll
[00:41:48] tell you what's really cool contracting HIV from a German nightclub
[00:41:55] from a schizaklub yeah from any any number of in the basement of Bergen
[00:42:01] Technoclove I don't know who gave me a job but I've got it narrowed down to
[00:42:06] about 47 people there's 72 hour window where I know I'll contract there was a
[00:42:12] three and a half hour window where I contracted the HIV virus in the third
[00:42:19] the aisle 17 of a KB toys after our friend named Marco who is the assistant
[00:42:27] manager of a KB toys and he would let us into the mall and we would go in there
[00:42:32] and fuck next to the Barbie display all all all 47 of us just one continuous
[00:42:41] gay sex chain one thinking to one ass and did this is 47 deep I guess KB toys
[00:42:48] got fucking owned by Toys R Us huh no do someone say that Mitt Romney
[00:42:53] Bain capital bought it they bane them bane fuck I love I love toys I love
[00:43:01] playing with toys I love seeing them I love jokes humor toy oh yeah they're
[00:43:04] great on the floor oh there's who that video is the best video black is oh god
[00:43:11] I love that oh my god there's anything I enjoy its toys being given to children
[00:43:17] oh yeah absolutely did you see that tweet after Trump tweeted out the the
[00:43:23] bleeding from the face thing they they asked or in hatch what he thought he's
[00:43:27] like well obviously I don't think it was okay but everyone's a title to a dip
[00:43:31] sea doodle every now and oh man more more that's that's when you rape a girl
[00:43:37] in 1920 that was a whoopsie a tip see doodle a whoopsie the abortion you
[00:43:44] make her get I grew up with so many Mormons and all their moms were so
[00:43:50] hot that's so cool dude wow everyone's so proud of you for growing up with
[00:43:54] Mormons they were sexy I will give like every dude their mom the young was a
[00:43:59] fucking I mean he was why he was sexy old dude you hear that perfect square
[00:44:04] jaw yeah Mitt Romney never smoked a cigarette never had a drink he looks
[00:44:07] great oh that's why his skin is so good yeah he looks a man they could really
[00:44:10] fuck that would be a funny like second half of his life he just turns into
[00:44:13] like a sex fiend he fucks bad like they all fuck bad moments fuck bad like
[00:44:18] Gregory Marmalov is that isn't he the the jock in animal house I don't remember
[00:44:27] it's revenge of the nerds and I can't remember which one that's a great name
[00:44:31] Gregory Marmal artist well sounds like Marmalade he's the prep from he's the
[00:44:35] evil prep is he the guy that was in married with children also yes he plays
[00:44:39] Jefferson and married with children that guy right I can't remember I think so
[00:44:43] dude I used to love married with children when I was a little ask dude
[00:44:46] Kelly dog yo yeah Kelly Bundy Christina Fapplegate
[00:44:50] oh nice how about she is the hottest Gregory Marmalade
[00:44:55] Gregory Marmalard Marmaduke do you remember that big-ass dog
[00:44:59] used to fuck up parties he's through and make things messy yeah who's a bit
[00:45:05] someone else who's bitter you doing right now I don't know who's Marmaduke
[00:45:08] joke is that who has a Marmaduke Joe somebody you're fucking doing somebody's
[00:45:12] my somebody call him on that this is I know he's doing it because I know you
[00:45:16] fucking yeah I know you're seeing Ed Schrader's Marmadick cartoon no it is
[00:45:21] incredible and what is it jealous I didn't make it I mean it's basically it's
[00:45:26] someone's with everything someone's dog but he just took yeah he just takes
[00:45:30] Marmalade Mar Marmaduke Marmaduke cartoons and he fucking it makes him about
[00:45:36] Marmaduke sucking people's dicks well I looked that up guys Marmadick I got a
[00:45:41] clean that's the come down cultural tip of the week we should start doing
[00:45:46] those because we're really normal Donald that said that about Marmaduke I
[00:45:49] don't fucking know dude it's it seems like it's a really he just mess he just
[00:45:55] messes things up because you quoted it to me you were saying this guy did this
[00:46:00] funny thing about who's where to God no more you were telling me about
[00:46:06] somebody's Marmaduke that's what it was oh come on oh fuck it was even a joke I
[00:46:14] was just talking about that dog they used to make things messy the fucking
[00:46:17] it wasn't a joke I just described the fucking common you just did them
[00:46:20] prepped you do no come on you're talking you're doing what come on I never quoted
[00:46:25] anyone's joke to you about Marmaduke I've never heard a joke about Marmaduke
[00:46:28] no I was the hilarious cartoon that I used to read every Sunday you know I
[00:46:32] funny is Heathcliff dude you know why is it Garfield in the streets Heathcliff
[00:46:36] in the sheets baby I used to fuck with Mallard Fillmore the conservative news
[00:46:41] reporting duck oh yeah that was my guy that's was that did he have his own
[00:46:46] cartoon yeah all the punchlines used to be like liberals or or Pussy I remember
[00:46:52] as a kid there was really a Mallard Fillmore yeah it was a kid I would get
[00:46:56] right we make a cartoon I would get the paper I would look at the comics and be
[00:47:00] so excited to see them and I read them and I'd be like this is not funny yeah I
[00:47:04] yeah none of this is funny yeah the foresight was funny the first time
[00:47:08] was family circus yeah family circus the big shit pile of all time they open a
[00:47:14] lemonade stand in the E is backwards a little slice of life for you every day
[00:47:22] brought to you by whoever that pedophile was a legend pedophile that
[00:47:28] guy is a pedophile family circus no that's why I said alleged okay no we're
[00:47:33] lying I think he was actually like a really like well-known family man and
[00:47:39] then every character was based off his family what's his name is like a big guy
[00:47:42] and like he's like a big pro Trump guy now what's his name fuck yeah Dilbert
[00:47:47] Dilbert yeah Scott dude I fucking love those Dilbert but that I used to get
[00:47:53] that art that art school project that guy Dilbert one two and three have you
[00:47:57] ever seen this no that's a good pick if anyone wants to look at a cool YouTube
[00:48:02] another good Twitter one where he shoots up the office you never Dilbert but gay
[00:48:06] and then is it somebody do that for real for I'm not even kidding I used to draw
[00:48:10] I used to draw a Dilbert and gay scenarios oh so I guess I stole your shit
[00:48:14] yeah somebody probably stole my idea Adam oh so you're not saying that you're
[00:48:19] fucking Marmaduke was your idea no no I'm saying if you're trying to if you're
[00:48:24] trying to do yeah if you're trying to say that I steal shit I call Obama do
[00:48:27] that's just that's just incorrect that's your that's your trait Dilbert but gay
[00:48:33] that's great yeah that's pretty good I'm gonna be I want to fuck this Mark
[00:48:42] Maron before we ever started come town we the three of us used to talk about
[00:48:46] doing an official Garfield web series oh yeah you remember that picture I drew
[00:48:52] it Dilbert Jack and off the Garfield on his office no no I don't know I do
[00:48:58] Dilbert it was a good picture you're good drawer dude thank you man yeah I'm
[00:49:03] just trying to give you compliments to deflect from your criticisms I was
[00:49:07] here's a good one I'm Dilbert and I hate to do I don't remember I'm just gonna
[00:49:11] Google Marmaduke stand up you said to me you were telling me about somebody
[00:49:15] talking about Marmaduke who and they were like you know it was so funny because
[00:49:20] they were like you know Marmaduke's just that dog that just makes things messy
[00:49:23] that's just a fact but you fuck things up something that somebody else said that
[00:49:30] you were it doesn't matter I'm jerking off to some really gay shit on the
[00:49:39] this is good stuff right on my alley man I love this shit apparently there's a
[00:49:47] TJ Miller as Marmaduke maybe is in love I don't know I used to fucking it from
[00:49:55] the library I used to I used to get comic book comics like like the
[00:50:00] anthologies yeah like Calvin and Hobbs you said a lot of Dilbert actually is a
[00:50:05] little kid dude I used to fuck with Dilbert yes for smart people when I was
[00:50:08] a kid I thought Dilbert was smart sort of yeah whatever like a tie I'm like oh
[00:50:15] this is for people who know computers work it's who reads Dilbert it was too
[00:50:19] smart for me yeah I used to man I used to pretend to read like to fucking be into
[00:50:25] so much shit because I want to be cool dude you know what's really lame is when
[00:50:29] people have the opposite I like I hid the things I was into and instead of
[00:50:34] pretending to like things well I just thought I just like I liked maybe one
[00:50:38] out of every eight Dilbert's that I read but I like I didn't get any that shit
[00:50:42] yeah I like Calvin and Hobbs I didn't realize that it was an imaginary cat
[00:50:45] forever though I think Hobbs doesn't exist or something yeah yeah and that's the
[00:50:50] same with Winnie the Pooh right he's imaginary in that I think so Christopher
[00:50:54] is mine I don't think they're supposed to be any real I mean it's that that was
[00:50:58] just a fantasy AA mill whatever is in this I don't know he did that yeah so he had
[00:51:03] an actual son AA hole named Christopher Robin's or whatever Christopher Robin
[00:51:09] and then he made that like you know book about Christopher Robin and his stuff
[00:51:15] bear poo and then that actual kid went to school and everyone's like you are
[00:51:19] such a faggot yeah dude he was a poor kid and shit and then like it took him like
[00:51:26] his entire life to fucking get over being the fucking guy oh wait that's what
[00:51:31] but wait it wasn't as in England yeah it's an English guy but there's an
[00:51:35] interview with him from like later in life and he was finally he finally accepted
[00:51:40] it you're right you're a rot homosexual I don't know he's just some old old man
[00:51:44] that's like barely not bitter anymore and he's got like a mentally disabled
[00:51:50] daughter that he'd like just takes care of he's like a real sad guy that's that's
[00:51:55] a big change your name for Christopher Robin yeah he could have done it yeah
[00:52:00] yeah I would change my name to Robert Nero if I was him it's really lame when
[00:52:04] people are really into New Yorker cartoons I was think those are like the
[00:52:08] land that not not funny yeah I don't think one has made me laugh I don't you
[00:52:13] used to read the New Yorker cartoons right no we never had a we never had a
[00:52:17] we never got the New Yorker grown up my parents were a TV family I had a phase
[00:52:22] where I tried to read for maybe like two years of my life and I would get the
[00:52:27] New Yorker I got the New Yorker but you it was such a way to be subscribed to
[00:52:31] the New Yorker I used to subscribe and I your house I canceled it you would
[00:52:35] fucking say shit like did you read that thing in the New Yorker oh fuck off
[00:52:39] oh fuck off again that's you would say that you got the New Yorker there was a
[00:52:45] two-year no guys I was literally getting out of the car from 4th of July
[00:52:49] yesterday and across the street there's a car that like parked at the stop this
[00:52:53] dude rolls down a window it goes Adam you're a bitch and I'm like and I'm like
[00:52:59] doing that and then I look at him I look at him and he goes and I look at him and
[00:53:05] I'm like who are you and then he he just like looks really sheepish he's like
[00:53:08] I'm cool and then he rolls up the way guys keep no you're just creating these
[00:53:14] lies where people think I was some sort of hold on time I'm sort of Zionist
[00:53:18] pseudo-electrual I'm out time out should maybe there's a little bit that's you
[00:53:23] know maybe we're made doing a bit about you stealing sometime or whatever
[00:53:27] whatever but we're just not lying we are not lying about you being a bitch yeah
[00:53:31] you are a bitch even if you don't I accept it we're just trying Adam in the
[00:53:35] streets call my bitch like that guy did but don't be sheepish that's nonsense
[00:53:38] when we're just trying to help you we're trying to help friend that you make fun
[00:53:42] of but if anyone else makes fun of that friend you stick up for them you guys
[00:53:46] you guys would you welcome your vase circle yeah you add him as a valuable
[00:53:52] you're the kid keeper for the crew if someone mocks you good enough
[00:53:57] this that is not a way to move to the ring fail that is bad that is bad that's
[00:54:02] bad bully when people go to jail when people go to jail I'm 30 years old I'm
[00:54:06] 30 people go to jail they think all you just pick a fight with the biggest guy
[00:54:10] no you just rape the weakest guy yes and then the big guys would be like this
[00:54:15] guy's cool he rapes like we do we were gonna rape him but now we see he's also
[00:54:22] a rape guy rapes other men like we do so we're gonna play checkers with him
[00:54:28] history rape in prison is cool in the television room okay so just call
[00:54:33] Adam a bitch once but don't make it a little anyway he DM me and then apologize
[00:54:37] he's like oh sorry that guy's out no he's not out he's out from apologize why
[00:54:41] would you go up to some you don't know it calls him a bitch well we did you look
[00:54:47] like you look right now I just was I was taking something out of a trunk yeah
[00:54:51] this is very poor boy look you got yeah you look like a bitch right now why do I
[00:54:54] look like a bitch right now because you take you you look like you're back I
[00:54:57] happened you look like you're back into the pool quite a bit gentlemen with my
[00:55:01] new girlfriend actually you look like you're about to go into the Congo to
[00:55:05] compare your small dick with the girl is small dick it's so funny how
[00:55:09] small dick can I like eat some of your blueberries that's not how I sound
[00:55:24] what did you for the 4th of July I went up state to Ben's uncle Ben's rich
[00:55:30] uncle's summer house the one Nick and I went to two years ago I can't believe
[00:55:34] there's a poor me dude I invited you guys three times yeah but then you left
[00:55:38] like two days early you didn't let us know when you were you know private
[00:55:40] romantic getaway Kathleen Turner's house with your precious roommate it wasn't
[00:55:45] just us and I told you guys to fucking come with the girls leading leading
[00:55:50] there was like it was me and two couples it was terrible actually it wasn't
[00:55:56] terrible those two couples three couples gay guys no fuck heterosexual couples
[00:56:02] yeah as a matter of it for for your whatever that you're going up to the
[00:56:06] valley dude we're gonna go drink some seam up in the Hudson Valley
[00:56:10] we're seam slippers bro seam sipping dude
[00:56:15] sipping with my favorite dude I'm fucking faded I'm fucking cross made off the
[00:56:21] same I'm fucking lit off this seam I got a stomach a commercial scene but I'm
[00:56:26] gonna keep drinking dude yeah dude you guys serve Roddy's here Rod Stewart's
[00:56:31] yeah it's two leaders of semen in a fucking Mason jar dude I'll take an
[00:56:37] Arnold Palmer yeah just Arnold Palmer's come yeah this is the rocks to her
[00:56:41] challenge my name is jackass the rocks like the fucking yeah
[00:56:48] cinnamon test funny dude like a Pepsi taste test where it's like I'm
[00:56:53] I'm trying which one is better and then it's like one of these his Pepsi and the
[00:56:57] other is two leaders of semen and then it's just a regular solo cup but they
[00:57:02] clearly as Pepsi and then like a two-liter filled with semen they're like
[00:57:07] we're not gonna tell you which one is which and the guy drinks the Pepsi is
[00:57:11] like yeah that's pretty good and then he drinks like the two leaders this
[00:57:13] even he's like yeah I don't know they're about the same the same volume and
[00:57:19] viscosity and color I don't can't tell the difference between the two but I
[00:57:25] think I have to go to the hospital that's a very good question do you see him
[00:57:30] sips let's figure it out what by making Adam drink to oh yes have come
[00:57:34] dude it's so it would be so hard to collect two leaders of calm yeah how
[00:57:39] long do you think it would take you to get to two leaders like a year no no
[00:57:43] he's right yeah actually longer than that if you jacked off every we did the
[00:57:47] math we already did the math I didn't math Nick did the math I while Jake and
[00:57:52] I were there what's it what's it what that's crazy it's something like 723
[00:57:56] loads yeah if you take the median load size what if you're what if you're
[00:58:01] drinking a lot of water you're having a lot of what does water have to do it
[00:58:05] doesn't matter we took the average load size but what I'm saying is what could
[00:58:08] you do to juice up to goose up to goos up nothing you can't do like that's
[00:58:12] what it comes like seven times in a row you can't even come three times in a row
[00:58:16] you got to regenerate that jears I'm saying how's that what's the quickest you
[00:58:20] think you could get to it if you tried we just answered the fucking question
[00:58:24] man that's 723 what's the average fucking speed of an hour hundred whatever you
[00:58:29] could go the average speed of a car it's what's what's the average fuel
[00:58:33] consumption of a car which you absolutely can absolutely if you come twice a year
[00:58:37] it'd be like a year and a half or twice a day okay but what I'm saying to you is
[00:58:42] there's a way to get fatter loads yeah Peter Northra and what do you think you
[00:58:48] get a fat load I don't know what your diet yeah Peter North is it has all right
[00:58:53] I'll take Peter North he did have some photos we're gonna have Peter North
[00:58:58] senator don't worry about that disease where your balls get fucking elephant
[00:59:02] Titus you have enormous balls and then you have you seen that video that guy like
[00:59:06] coming for like an hour no he has giant swollen balls but it makes him come
[00:59:12] more to nice it was not like he fought so this guy could probably get to get to
[00:59:17] a two liter pretty quick yeah sure see that's what I'm saying give me that
[00:59:22] disease you don't understand you're not a fucking statistician we're taking the
[00:59:27] median reshape now you motherfuckers didn't even want average how long does
[00:59:31] it take to get to the moon no but imagine you had like a super fast ship
[00:59:36] that doesn't exist no motherfucker there's a way to get how does it how does it
[00:59:40] guy what why can you get to the moon in 30 seconds no it's not the same it's
[00:59:44] the same no dude you come up your load you come where if you're in love oh yeah
[00:59:50] fuck you for if you're in love with come yeah with
[00:59:55] come with gay Adam just sits at home coming into his own mouth while that
[00:59:59] fucking Looney Tunes factory song plays
[01:00:04] du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du du oh yeah
[01:00:10] that's for me when it comes out when he just here's like
[01:00:14] yeah I'm seeing it as I'm now you're not singing it the song's just playing why
[01:00:20] is it because it's in your room and the doors close I jack off in the living
[01:00:24] and your roommates goes oh I guess Adam's doing that thing you jack off the
[01:00:30] living room I don't need to jack off guys I have sex all the time do you
[01:00:34] Jack off in the living room. I have yeah actually since I stopped having a job
[01:00:38] I don't know if that's there's too much space. I'm not worried about the privacy even if I'm home alone
[01:00:42] Even when I lived by myself. I couldn't jack off in the living room
[01:00:45] I've done it in the last two weeks. I beat off the living room quite a bit
[01:00:49] It's a really powerful feeling if you're alone at home. Yeah, I mean that's the thing is like you live
[01:00:53] It's just not it's like with roommates your entire adult life
[01:00:56] The door closes when I was 21. I had my own apartment. I never jacked off in the
[01:01:01] Okay, whatever what that's not what I'm saying what I'm saying. What we have a diss would you jack off in the kitchen
[01:01:07] This is not where you jack off, but it's a leisurely area the living rooms leisurely kitchen sex is really fun
[01:01:14] Yeah, fucking is different. I mean once in a while. You'll fucking a kitchen
[01:01:17] That's different well what I'm a lot of places I thought that I would never jack off
[01:01:33] In a field in Vermont in those in those like secret quarters in the mall that only the security guys
[01:01:44] When I was working for wars they were fucking like we'd have to go through when we're doing installs
[01:01:48] We'd have to go through those fucking core who we were we got locked in one of those for two hours one day me and Jesse
[01:01:53] We're just making swastikas in the cardboard with fucking exacto knives. Hell yeah
[01:01:58] That sounds exactly like something he would do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, wait. Wait. Where were you?
[01:02:02] I don't even know which one you're talking about big Jesse. That's just like a shop guy. I think that's just a shop boy
[01:02:07] Thank you. Yeah, it makes swastikas and with exactly exactly not cardboard
[01:02:12] Yeah, you gave us two hours locked in a mall security. Did you fuck this guy Jesse? Yeah?
[01:02:17] No, it's just a guy Nick and I used to work with
[01:02:20] Adam was cross dressing and spinning around
[01:02:35] Oh, yeah, then he started drawing like a naked chick and he was like dude. This is cool
[01:02:40] It's like we have porn here. So like we could be here forever. That's a joke from friends. Is that yeah?
[01:02:45] Well, he did that Joey did that. I guess he was Adam's doing a joke from friends now
[01:03:03] I'm from the act dude and now everyone's calling you on your joke
[01:03:10] You know what my act is dude. I don't do any observational comedy. It's all
[01:03:31] All you get you guys steal for me all this
[01:03:34] The fuck are we gonna steal you steal for me constantly Nick, what if I saw it ever we can talk about this off Mike
[01:03:41] But personally, I don't like having fights in front of a hundred and fifty thousand listeners
[01:03:50] 150,000 we got that's the number I just made up. Yeah, it's actually only
[01:03:57] Incredibly dedicated. We just figured out a way to juice the numbers. Yeah, um, I love juice and dude. Oh, yeah
[01:04:03] Yeah, I've been having smoothies again. I'm back on the smoothie train although I went buck wild on the fourth
[01:04:08] I asked Julia Vins if she'll do the podcast and she's not responding. That's a
[01:04:13] Female bodybuilder Nixon love is gonna do the podcast come hopefully
[01:04:18] Has she seen is this Coney Island? She had it on the screens over on your TV? No
[01:04:24] Tonight that is my favorite place in New York. I went I went you know what I'm a big fan of the Empire State Building
[01:04:31] No, no, it's different. Have you heard of it?
[01:04:33] Coney Island is a fucking like Scott every post nuclear freak show
[01:04:39] Just so many fuck up. You know what I want to watch again
[01:04:42] Warriors Requiem for a dream. Oh, it's yeah. Yeah, well, that's
[01:04:46] Brian Beach a lot the same shit right next to each other same shit
[01:04:50] But yeah, those fucking apartment blocks
[01:04:52] They're so massive for those old rush and those fucking Russians wait
[01:04:56] We walked down to Brighton. There's like they just go outside every day and they're purple just those old fucking man
[01:05:04] In a diaper they look insane. Yeah, just that stuff on Marbury should get some of those Russian gang tattoos
[01:05:11] I know yeah, yeah, like Eastern promises if you got caught with them
[01:05:14] They'd probably get mad, but they're the coolest looking tattoos
[01:05:21] Guys, well get I know what they all mean so I'm gonna get the stars on my shoulders
[01:05:24] And then you can get cat eyes on your lower back
[01:05:27] That means we're like friends with each other
[01:05:29] And then everyone will know yeah, everyone will know yeah, but make sure that you get cat eyes on your lower back
[01:05:36] I want everyone to know because that's that's means you're the coolest of the Russian
[01:05:48] Want to know what can I I'm gonna look it up. Yeah, you should look it up. I'll look it out
[01:05:52] I'll tell you later. Um, don't tell Adam that when you fuck. Okay. I won't what if I got what if I got bear claws on either
[01:05:58] Titty that's good. Do you think that's a good look? Yeah, I want to get a gun on my stomach
[01:06:03] Yeah, that's there is a girl that did open mics at wise acres. It used to have two like revolvers pointing into her pussy
[01:06:12] Yes, I love that look dude and not like a six on her lower back and then other six on like the back of her elbows
[01:06:18] Nice six six down from us. Yeah devil real real dark mentality. Oh, you know, that's that's me dude. I'm dark
[01:06:25] A lot of people don't realize how dark I am
[01:06:29] Fucking tortured dude. I'm fucking tested that video at Danzig. Yeah, the books welcome a book lecture
[01:06:41] He is the funniest person in the world a 40 year old who's into Halloween
[01:06:46] Halloween guys funny. This is these are all these are all verified stories
[01:06:55] Yeah, so basically this were wolf is coming out of a clearing and he's shaking a baby in his mouth pretty wild
[01:07:06] Dark mentality people who haven't knew what was going on in my mind
[01:07:11] They're probably laughing I think Danzig goes to the beach
[01:07:14] No, he's simply an indoor guy and door guy dude. I went to his house like three in LA
[01:07:19] Yeah, I kept having a good look again. It was it's too funny. It's just a bungalow. It's a ball
[01:07:24] It's yeah, it's yeah, it's like a big I don't know what those are called. It's like ranch house
[01:07:31] No, it's not a rancher. It's bigger than a bungalow arts and crafts. Yeah, I go bongolowy
[01:07:38] Maybe to split level no not split level. Oh, okay. Damn. Yeah, like I guess maybe like a California bungalow
[01:07:45] Yeah, yeah, nice, but it's it looks bigger. I love the word bungalow. It's nice. Yeah
[01:07:51] Like you get headed there. We should get a bungalow three of us
[01:07:53] I'd like you I'd like get a bungalow dude. I just want a hammock. I want to fucking we're gonna put a coconut bra on stop
[01:07:59] Hilarious. Yeah, I'm gonna be great. I'm gonna get grass here again grass here
[01:08:04] I'm gonna kill us all on a boat accident
[01:08:09] Fuck yeah, dude now we're gonna reboot Gilligan's island
[01:08:18] Well, I feel like they would have found them
[01:08:21] Here's an interesting fact good way to close out the podcast. Yeah, mm-hmm
[01:08:27] Sorry I threw up in my mouth a little bit
[01:08:33] James Cameron's Titanic. Mm-hmm. Uh, you know the ship starts sinking and then it splits in half. Yeah, yeah
[01:08:41] They denied that that happened until they found the wreckage that was like the company that owned the
[01:08:48] Titanic the white star lines refused to allow people to think that the ship split in half
[01:08:54] So all the portrayals of the sinking of the Titanic prior to that were the ship going down
[01:09:00] And like going straight up in the air. Yeah going down vertical. Yeah, because they didn't want people to think it was structurally unsound
[01:09:07] What yeah fucking saying so then like eyewitness other was eyewitness testimony
[01:09:12] All these people saying like no the ships split in half. They're like, no, you're just crazy. What yeah
[01:09:17] What the fuck what do they mean? They didn't want to be unstructurally sound they fucking it's saying who gives a fuck of a snap or not
[01:09:24] The company you killed everybody who gives a fuck. Yeah, fuck them dude. Well, it's actually yeah
[01:09:29] It was a couple of things it was yeah, it was okay in turn the night watchman or whatever. Yeah, you couldn't see the iceberg
[01:09:36] Well, no, they just kept they had reports of icebergs and then they kept going anyways
[01:09:40] Iceberg what a fucking what did I hate the Titanic? I?
[01:09:45] Fucking hate that dumb. It's such a fucking meaningless tragedy. I know and
[01:09:51] Yeah, it's like two thousand people a hundred years ago the rich people all lived the rich people die
[01:09:57] But then but you why I don't like that is because that's sort of just a footnote to the story anyways
[01:10:02] People like yeah, and then it was fucked up because they made all the poor people died
[01:10:06] But you know it's about these poor lost souls. Mm-hmm, you know, and it's like it's no no
[01:10:11] It's just a dumb it's who cares who gives you a much bigger sinkings in that time
[01:10:18] I bet you a thousand military related died in a fucking yeah
[01:10:22] Well, there was a German ship that was fucking sunk
[01:10:25] Well, the Germans were fucking up ships with you boats
[01:10:28] Yeah, there was a German ship that was sunk but Germany had like kind of it was like a bunch of uh, I
[01:10:33] Think like troops are trying to evacuate or something, but it was like nine thousand people died. It was huge
[01:10:38] Hmm. I just feel like a lot of poor people were dying in factories to make like canned like meats
[01:10:45] Yeah, more so than a triangle shirtways factory, which is now just some NYU building. Yeah, yeah
[01:10:51] It's right by it's right by Washington Square Park. Yeah, it's in the alias. Yeah nice
[01:10:55] Well, it's yeah more the west side. So you're wrong Adam
[01:11:01] Incorrect in your where's it? Oh, what grandage village? Oh, what's this? Mr. Titbit the velagio
[01:11:08] It's in the village the velagio the Vagio
[01:11:13] Yeah, remember that in fucking Grand Theft Auto where they just they called the Vespas the faggio
[01:11:19] This is a homophobic joke. It's so funny. Yeah, do my friend and my friend
[01:11:24] I was hanging out with my friend is girlfriend one time and he's pronounced faggio
[01:11:28] He said he was talking about how he really wanted to get a faggio and she got they got in like a one-hour fight next to me
[01:11:34] I'm saying faggio. He's like what that's what it's called
[01:11:40] She's like I don't like you using those words. That's so funny dude. It's so funny the dumb shit
[01:11:45] You've like fight with women about yeah, it's really great to just be hanging out with a couple fighting
[01:11:50] Yes, that's the most fun. Never tell you I had like I had like a relationship pretty much be destroyed by doing the parody song fuck
[01:11:59] In the car you're on a road trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, cuz you got stuck in the car with me
[01:12:04] Doing the light well, I'm the kind of guy
[01:12:07] Folks his mom man. She's like what the fuck is wrong with you?
[01:12:13] This weekend a lot with his girlfriend and I think like it was like I mean she's cool as shit
[01:12:18] But it's like he got a girlfriend, huh? He got a girl. Yeah, but it's like the third consecutive day that you see all this is last name
[01:12:26] I'm not telling people's last name. You'll find him easy, but
[01:12:30] But I think the third consecutive day with like you spending time with your boyfriend and his best friend talking about sucking each other
[01:12:36] I say this again your boyfriend and who if you're her and you spend like three days in a row with me and eldest
[01:12:43] I'm not like sucking each other. Just a gun point. Yeah. Yeah, you just like that. It's like yeah, I remember
[01:12:48] Uh, Ari was like selling you uh selling you those edibles
[01:12:52] And he like texted me and he's like dude stuff like really really talks like that
[01:12:58] He's like come get sucked off and stuff. He's like dude. I did I thought he was just joking like that was like
[01:13:03] I mean I am joking. He's like no no stop like talks that way. Yeah, that's fine
[01:13:08] Yeah, people don't realize that we're all doing characters and that I'm like a method actor. Yeah
[01:13:12] Yeah, we are doing actually I'm actually Michael fastbender. Yeah
[01:13:18] Yeah, I'm not doing a character. This is me baby
[01:13:21] We all all real name no. I'm ready. I'm ready to become a professional actor
[01:13:26] Hollywood if you're listening put me in the next alien. I'm trying to be a fat guy in commercials, dude
[01:13:32] That's like I'll do some acting right now. Look out. It's an alien. Ah
[01:13:39] What do you mean we're getting a divorce oh?
[01:13:42] But I can't be retarded. I'm the president
[01:13:53] I think Nick I think you'll be an actor. I believe in you. Thank you
[01:13:57] You sucking my cock. Thanks for the thanks for that
[01:14:02] So I believe in your ability to suck me off
[01:14:08] Oh, sorry, I'm looking at Julie Vins is Instagram
[01:14:16] Days episode. Oh, you have to I have to make a quick trip into the laundry room
[01:14:23] You and Adam with Julie Julia Vins is Instagram
[01:14:27] You're gonna tape your phone to the back of Adams head
[01:14:31] Put the phone right in between the cat eyes