[00:00:00] Let's get ready to rumble sports fans you're listening to the number one mma podcast hosted by comedians that only do bicep curls.

[00:00:11] I've taken one adult karate class and I've convinced myself that I am a mixed martial artist expert.

[00:00:19] And the source for UFC news is my comedy podcast where I occasionally say the N word problem.

[00:00:29] Yeah, well if you got a problem take it up with the logo of the show which is like a is Calvin pissing on himself.

[00:00:39] It's his Calvin pissing on his own career. He's pissing up in the air and then it's coming back down into his own mouth.

[00:00:45] Yeah, it's like a Joe Rogan like blow your mind.

[00:00:48] Yeah, my bad ass edgy New York comedian and podcast with a logo is Calvin pissing gasoline under a bridge.

[00:00:58] Expand your mind.

[00:01:02] What age is it where you become a UFC expert?

[00:01:05] I believe it's when you turn 30.

[00:01:08] Exactly.

[00:01:09] I said like a NW five male pattern baldness hair pattern you have to be at that level.

[00:01:15] And you're like well my testosterone is peeking because my fucking leptin sensitivity is all fucked up.

[00:01:22] I mean, because like I'm a fighter now I could have been I didn't do I didn't do any of the karate when I was younger.

[00:01:30] Because with like I'm an older guy imagine myself as like a sort of a trainer type to these young men who want nothing to do with me.

[00:01:36] With like basketball and shit it's like people that used to play the actual sport.

[00:01:40] But like UFC's been around for like 10 years or some shit.

[00:01:43] Right.

[00:01:44] It's just Joe Rogan.

[00:01:45] Yeah.

[00:01:46] For no reason.

[00:01:47] Well Joe Rogan did karate.

[00:01:48] Yeah.

[00:01:49] Yeah.

[00:01:50] The karate's bullshit.

[00:01:51] Is it?

[00:01:52] Yeah.

[00:01:53] Karate is just a general term for fighting.

[00:01:56] Is it?

[00:01:57] It's the next general term for fighting.

[00:02:00] So any fight is you're gonna buy somebody at a bar.

[00:02:03] You're like hey man let's not you don't want me to do karate at you right now.

[00:02:07] That's how you.

[00:02:08] Yeah kind of.

[00:02:09] Here's a good one to stump pretty much any any mixed martial martial artist.

[00:02:15] Ask him karate is that Chinese or Japanese and they can't tell you.

[00:02:19] Well it's all racist white guys.

[00:02:20] Yeah they don't know.

[00:02:21] No one knows what karate is.

[00:02:22] It's all white guys wearing white geez and shit and standing like very like centered and shit.

[00:02:28] Actually.

[00:02:28] Now that's Chinese.

[00:02:30] Kung Fu is Chinese karate actually was Italian.

[00:02:34] It came over with Marco Polo.

[00:02:35] They gave him spaghetti and he gave them karate karate karate.

[00:02:39] Yeah.

[00:02:40] Yeah.

[00:02:40] Yeah.

[00:02:40] I thought I buy it.

[00:02:41] So.

[00:02:42] Where did that game Marco Polo?

[00:02:44] Who came up with that?

[00:02:45] The guy Marco Polo he was a huge.

[00:02:48] That's how you're gonna have to do better than that for that bit Adam.

[00:02:53] You're gonna have to come up with a better funnier answer than Marco Polo is who came

[00:02:58] up with Marco Polo.

[00:03:00] It's not funny it's just the facts man and that's what this show is all about today.

[00:03:03] I was about to jump on that bit and it's coming nowhere.

[00:03:07] Go ahead jump on him.

[00:03:08] We got time to kill brother.

[00:03:09] I don't know.

[00:03:10] Something about how he was like he was going into the sea.

[00:03:15] It's playing Marco Polo and then you see where I'm going here.

[00:03:18] It's not good.

[00:03:19] The bit itself is it is like Marco Polo if you think about it Joe Logan mind explosion.

[00:03:25] I hope this thing doesn't run out of fucking batteries while we're doing this.

[00:03:29] I don't know on this place.

[00:03:31] I use this I don't want to go too far and because we got the tech stuff coming up later.

[00:03:37] But tech review corner.

[00:03:40] I use Panasonic and Lupro rechargeable batteries and I misplaced the batteries.

[00:03:47] So I'm down to one set.

[00:03:49] I don't know what happened on my batteries.

[00:03:52] You think I took them or something?

[00:03:53] I mean why'd you look at me that way?

[00:03:55] Why'd you look at Adam like that?

[00:03:56] Because I mean if someone is sticky fingers we got somebody that likes taking things that

[00:04:03] don't belong to him.

[00:04:05] I like like what?

[00:04:07] What if I ever is the West Bank for example.

[00:04:09] I didn't take that.

[00:04:10] That was truly that's your people's fault.

[00:04:14] But yeah so we're down to one bar in the battery.

[00:04:18] If the battery dies you know we'll do the rest of the show whenever I can go pick up

[00:04:22] more battery has a one bar ever last us an hour.

[00:04:26] Sometimes I mean the fucking it's not very accurate.

[00:04:30] Okay.

[00:04:31] Yeah.

[00:04:32] So I don't know.

[00:04:34] What we forget we neglected to speak about on the last one.

[00:04:37] Rich Piana.

[00:04:38] Rest in peace.

[00:04:40] Dead at the at the natural death age of 46 years old when most people die cause of death

[00:04:47] haircut getting his haircut by his girlfriend.

[00:04:50] You always want to go to a salon.

[00:04:54] You know if you let some dumb bitch cut your hair wrong.

[00:04:57] Boom.

[00:04:58] Your brain explodes from an opioid and and steroid cocktail.

[00:05:04] Uh huh.

[00:05:05] Jake do you know who Rich Piana is?

[00:05:07] No I thought his name was piano when I read the thing.

[00:05:10] He's a weight lifter right?

[00:05:12] Uh yeah he's a bodybuilder.

[00:05:14] I don't know anything other than I googled him when I looked at the the show map we're

[00:05:19] using.

[00:05:20] Yeah.

[00:05:21] He's like a big swole weird tattoo.

[00:05:24] Oh you didn't even know about that until I handed you this piece of paper.

[00:05:27] Nah but I put it together cause I heard somebody talk about him a couple days ago.

[00:05:32] So I kind of got a big cursor understanding.

[00:05:34] He's like an internet moron.

[00:05:36] Yeah you could call him that I guess.

[00:05:38] Uh is he cool?

[00:05:39] Do we like him?

[00:05:40] I can't tell.

[00:05:41] An Italian jet.

[00:05:42] No he's funny to laugh at.

[00:05:43] Okay that's what I thought.

[00:05:44] And now people are trying to be like come on he's dead.

[00:05:46] That just makes it funny.

[00:05:49] This is a guy you've been saying for years it's like this guy's gonna die.

[00:05:53] Yeah right like why is it when like someone you dies we're like for real though he did

[00:05:59] some good things.

[00:06:00] Yeah right like when Blake midget dies I'm not gonna be like oh what a tragedy.

[00:06:05] It's gonna be like Blake did it guys.

[00:06:08] Blake did the thing he was desperately trying to do for years.

[00:06:12] We died in a sleeve cutting off accident.

[00:06:16] He tried to cut his sleeves too.

[00:06:18] He's like this is a horse nice into his own heart.

[00:06:21] Damn.

[00:06:22] Oh shit can somebody drive me to the hospital.

[00:06:27] I cut my I've tried to cut my sleeves off.

[00:06:30] I was bartending and I cut off my fucking arm.

[00:06:35] I was using a broken I smashed a beer bottle over my head and I was using a broken glass

[00:06:41] to cut my own arms off.

[00:06:46] And then I got to get back in shape.

[00:06:49] You told me one time the way to do a Blake midget impression is just gay Duke Nukem.

[00:06:53] Yeah yeah.

[00:06:54] You think about it all the time.

[00:06:55] Right.

[00:06:56] It's just a octave higher.

[00:06:57] I'm gonna rip off your balls and suck off your dick.

[00:07:00] Oh man.

[00:07:01] Obviously.

[00:07:02] I'm here to suck dick and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of gum.

[00:07:07] Yeah.

[00:07:08] So what's up with this rich piano?

[00:07:11] So yeah he died while he was getting a haircut from his girlfriend as Nick just said.

[00:07:17] How do you really die?

[00:07:19] From like years ago.

[00:07:20] He's been doing steroids since he was 16.

[00:07:23] So 30 years of steroid use his mom was a bodybuilder.

[00:07:27] So he's like some you know I guess Italian kid that just is in love with his mom.

[00:07:31] What's that sex with his mom.

[00:07:34] Typical Italian tradition and then became a bodybuilder.

[00:07:39] Immediately I guess age eight is when he got started and then I don't think I don't understand

[00:07:45] is by using steroids when you're 16 is like are you are like I just remember being 16

[00:07:50] and all I could do was jack off.

[00:07:53] You have so many hormones in you you have to come them onto your mom's carpet in your

[00:07:58] apartment immediately all the time every day after school.

[00:08:02] You can't help but get rid of all the extra test.

[00:08:05] Ostrone.

[00:08:06] Why are you doing steroids?

[00:08:07] Just eat your own come.

[00:08:09] Just to have your come filled a syringe with it and inject your own come into your muscles.

[00:08:14] You know who eats her own come.

[00:08:16] Christian.

[00:08:17] Who?

[00:08:18] Sonichu.

[00:08:19] Oh.

[00:08:20] You referenced him earlier.

[00:08:21] I don't know his real name.

[00:08:22] Oh okay.

[00:08:23] You're just trying to be cool.

[00:08:24] Why would I know his real like you mean I mean if you know sonichu.

[00:08:28] No his name is Christian sonichu is the thing he created quote unquote created.

[00:08:33] It's weird though to be like my friend Chris you might know him as sonichu but we're you

[00:08:37] know in real life we're pals.

[00:08:38] No I have.

[00:08:39] We are.

[00:08:40] You know Chris like eating come Nick Mullen I like getting come that's not what I said.

[00:08:45] That's what exactly.

[00:08:46] If I said Christian western Chandler wouldn't be weird to mention you should know that before

[00:08:51] you know sonichu.

[00:08:53] Sonichu is the thing that he did.

[00:08:55] Okay.

[00:08:56] You know so he eats his own come it'd be like if you called Walt Disney Mickey Mouse.

[00:09:01] Well maybe I do.

[00:09:02] Yeah.

[00:09:03] How about that huh.

[00:09:04] You know Mickey Mouse really hated the Jews.

[00:09:06] He really is.

[00:09:07] True.

[00:09:08] It's about how much he hated the Jews.

[00:09:09] What in soil.

[00:09:10] Like no you mean Walt Disney and you're like who's Walt Disney.

[00:09:13] Like Walt Disney is the man that drew Mickey Mouse.

[00:09:16] You're like no I'm pretty sure it was Mickey Mouse.

[00:09:19] No I was Mickey Mouse though.

[00:09:20] Yeah.

[00:09:21] Yeah you're wrong I'm right.

[00:09:23] Yeah.

[00:09:24] Suck my dick.

[00:09:25] I do like to make you all those all those like cartoon characters just started off as like

[00:09:29] yeah it's blackface for children.

[00:09:30] Yeah.

[00:09:31] No for real that's why Mickey Mouse has those big gloves.

[00:09:33] Oh of course.

[00:09:34] It's like straight up just black.

[00:09:35] Yeah if you go look at any old cartoon and it's like is that a bear.

[00:09:40] It's like a monkey bear that's working in a field and crying.

[00:09:44] You're like oh never mind.

[00:09:48] I know what that is.

[00:09:49] Like those old like black and white cartoons are the cows that just dance all robotically

[00:09:52] and shit.

[00:09:53] Yeah right.

[00:09:54] Just make it fun of black people like you share robbers and shit.

[00:09:56] Cow skeleton.

[00:09:59] Yeah so Rich Piana died.

[00:10:02] That's how the news.

[00:10:03] Another thing Amazon lowering Whole Foods prices.

[00:10:07] What's the play here.

[00:10:09] Oh yeah business.

[00:10:10] We talked about this last one.

[00:10:12] What's the play.

[00:10:14] What do they think.

[00:10:15] What's where's smart money moving on.

[00:10:18] I'm Cosmo Kramer and this is Money Madness.

[00:10:22] You're watching Money House on CNN.

[00:10:24] They're trying to.

[00:10:25] With John Kramer with Kramer versus Kramer where I make one bet and then a clone of myself

[00:10:31] makes another.

[00:10:33] Kramer versus Kramer is just like two guys yelling the N word at each other.

[00:10:36] Yeah.

[00:10:37] Kramer versus you know that would be the funnier.

[00:10:41] That would be the way to title that video.

[00:10:44] Amazon is just trying to corner the market on like selling food right.

[00:10:48] Yeah.

[00:10:49] Isn't that what's going on.

[00:10:50] Like yeah we're prices so that everyone continues to shop at you that way you can fucking.

[00:10:55] But what's the play.

[00:10:57] What's the play.

[00:10:58] What's the play.

[00:10:59] What's smart money doing on this play.

[00:11:01] Are they gonna.

[00:11:02] Are you think other tech like you think uber is gonna buy like.

[00:11:07] Tea town.

[00:11:08] I think I think what uber should do uber should raise lifts prices to make themselves look

[00:11:14] better.

[00:11:15] That's a good that's a smart play.

[00:11:17] Yeah.

[00:11:18] I was when anyone ever done that.

[00:11:19] I think that's the play.

[00:11:20] That's the play in that situation.

[00:11:21] But what's the play with Amazon.

[00:11:22] What's the play.

[00:11:24] Local news story.

[00:11:25] We got a dog that bought a cheeseburger for its own.

[00:11:29] That's adorable.

[00:11:30] Isn't it an 80 year old woman.

[00:11:32] She's got a dog Bobo.

[00:11:33] It went down folks.

[00:11:34] She was hungry.

[00:11:35] She was down to the local pop eyes.

[00:11:37] Brought her a cheeseburger.

[00:11:38] They sell it.

[00:11:39] Heartwarming.

[00:11:40] Sure.

[00:11:41] Another story.

[00:11:42] We got a third grader who's opening up a different kind of lemonade stand.

[00:11:46] His secret is his own piss.

[00:11:48] Did you make up the news for this.

[00:11:50] I mean they could be real.

[00:11:53] Rich peon is real.

[00:11:54] The rich peon is real.

[00:11:55] Yeah.

[00:11:56] I'm just trying to do as close of an approximation to local news as I can.

[00:11:59] Sure.

[00:12:00] So the child is selling piss.

[00:12:01] Yeah.

[00:12:02] It's a grandma.

[00:12:04] She's making, she's knitting lunch boxes for homeless people.

[00:12:09] Isn't that sweet.

[00:12:10] Coming up at 11 a local toddler is missing.

[00:12:12] Presumed raped and murdered.

[00:12:15] You're watching W9USA Cleveland.

[00:12:20] That's the annual hot air balloon festival.

[00:12:23] Maybe I had an eclectic bunch down here.

[00:12:25] Meet the third grade teacher that's created her own hot air balloon with her class.

[00:12:31] And then after that a local mother was dragged behind in Arby's and fucked to death by a

[00:12:36] gang of racist Puerto Ricans.

[00:12:40] And this is the local news.

[00:12:43] And then coming up later are solo cups killing your entire family?

[00:12:48] Have you touched a solo cup in the last six months?

[00:12:50] Well get ready for dick cancer because it's going to happen.

[00:12:55] That's it.

[00:12:56] I don't know if there's other news going on.

[00:12:58] I guess North Korea fired another missile.

[00:13:01] Oh man.

[00:13:02] What's wrong with those folks up there in North Korea?

[00:13:06] We just got it.

[00:13:07] Jay straight over Japan.

[00:13:08] Japan.

[00:13:09] Yeah.

[00:13:10] And they were getting their.

[00:13:13] Gundam's.

[00:13:14] Here's my hot take.

[00:13:16] Why is that our problem?

[00:13:17] Why do we have to deal with that?

[00:13:19] That seems like balls in Japan's court on this one because now I know we took away their

[00:13:24] military.

[00:13:25] But they are pretty good at sexually assaulting people.

[00:13:31] They can fight them off in a minute.

[00:13:32] And they have a history of doing that in Korea.

[00:13:33] So why don't the Japanese go over there and turn them all into sex slaves again like they

[00:13:38] did in the olden days?

[00:13:39] Yeah.

[00:13:40] You know?

[00:13:41] Yeah for sure man.

[00:13:42] I agree.

[00:13:43] They can go over there and attack them with anime and use panties and shit.

[00:13:50] You know, throw all their Japanese shit at them.

[00:13:52] My favorite is that Japanese anti rape device.

[00:13:55] That's just it turns you into a vending machine.

[00:13:59] So if you're a man's chasing you around the street so you can go around the corner and

[00:14:02] just you like deploy a vending machine disguise over your body.

[00:14:07] He's like, well, where's that girl?

[00:14:09] I was going to rape.

[00:14:10] Then he uses the right.

[00:14:11] He's like, yeah, wow, I'm thirsty from trying to chase that girl to rape her time for an

[00:14:15] ice cold sprite to quench my thirst.

[00:14:19] Just like Kobe Bryant.

[00:14:21] Another fellow rapist would drink.

[00:14:23] Legend.

[00:14:24] Wow.

[00:14:25] Legend.

[00:14:26] Legend.

[00:14:27] Legend.

[00:14:28] Legend.

[00:14:29] Legend.

[00:14:30] I like that better.

[00:14:31] A legend.

[00:14:32] Yeah.

[00:14:33] A legend.

[00:14:34] I would like the journalist.

[00:14:35] It just doesn't know words.

[00:14:36] Yeah.

[00:14:37] Legendary rapist.

[00:14:38] Allegedly.

[00:14:39] Hi.

[00:14:40] My name is Johnny local and I'm the local news journalist.

[00:14:47] It doesn't know how to read.

[00:14:49] And I say things wrong.

[00:14:51] Yeah.

[00:14:52] And then they go to use vending machine and you know, these buttons don't work.

[00:14:57] Oh, the girls in here.

[00:14:58] Yeah.

[00:14:59] We're a fun, funny ending to that story.

[00:15:01] Crazy.

[00:15:02] Yeah.

[00:15:03] In the sexual.

[00:15:04] Rape of the vending machine itself because they're fetish.

[00:15:06] Is there a higher vending machine?

[00:15:07] Is that statistically accurate?

[00:15:09] There's a higher degree of rape in Japan.

[00:15:12] No, Sweden.

[00:15:14] And the only reason.

[00:15:15] Sweden has the highest.

[00:15:16] Sweden has this thing where like their definition of rape is like looking at a woman.

[00:15:20] Right.

[00:15:21] So like they don't hold the door for a woman.

[00:15:22] It's rape.

[00:15:23] And then if you hold the door too long.

[00:15:24] Oh, you better believe that's rape.

[00:15:27] That's rape.

[00:15:28] That's that's a Raven.

[00:15:29] That's a paddling.

[00:15:31] You cut.

[00:15:32] You better believe you cut Jasper classic Simpsons.

[00:15:34] God damn.

[00:15:35] What a great show.

[00:15:38] Hey, you know, I mean, I listen to this fucking pocket.

[00:15:41] I don't subscribe, but I listen to this.

[00:15:43] I listen to you tell my stories.

[00:15:44] No, hold on.

[00:15:45] What do you mean?

[00:15:46] You listen to you, but you don't subscribe.

[00:15:47] Why don't paper this?

[00:15:48] Which means, which means you do more work.

[00:15:52] You manually go and download the episode every week.

[00:15:55] It's into the free feed.

[00:15:57] I don't listen to the.

[00:15:58] Oh, so you subscribe on iTunes.

[00:16:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:16:01] Sorry.

[00:16:02] Oh, thank you.

[00:16:03] Okay.

[00:16:04] What is Nick doing?

[00:16:05] But I've heard you tell my own fucking stories on this.

[00:16:06] So that means I should be able to steal from the Simpsons.

[00:16:08] What stories of yours have I told?

[00:16:10] The meat truck story.

[00:16:11] Yeah.

[00:16:12] But I preface that as like, yeah, this thing happened with Jake once.

[00:16:14] It's not like I said, you preface it with I am stealing a story from Jake.

[00:16:18] I think that counts as stealing.

[00:16:20] No, it doesn't.

[00:16:21] Yeah, at least I give credit, Adam.

[00:16:23] It's all right.

[00:16:24] What do you mean?

[00:16:25] Adam pretending like he doesn't remember where he heard things.

[00:16:29] You remember a tidbit about every town so you can fuck Chinese girls.

[00:16:32] Oh, you're from Zhang Jie province.

[00:16:34] Isn't that where they make the batteries in the Samsung Galaxy?

[00:16:37] Oh, how do you know that?

[00:16:39] You're so small.

[00:16:40] Thank you.

[00:16:41] And then Adam's like, you know, you know what I was thinking about?

[00:16:44] There's seven dirty words you can't say on television.

[00:16:47] This is an original Adam Friedland bit.

[00:16:49] I don't know if I've heard any.

[00:16:51] Dude, I thought I learned a few years ago and like shitty dudes all loved Louis CK.

[00:16:55] Yeah, I was just here like I would.

[00:16:58] Shitty dudes.

[00:16:59] Oh, if that's there's one thing we can't stand on this podcast.

[00:17:02] It's dude.

[00:17:03] No, I mean, like it's piss baby.

[00:17:05] I don't fire literal human scum.

[00:17:07] You know, damn well, I don't mean that shit.

[00:17:10] I'm not like a fuck.

[00:17:11] Dude, listen up.

[00:17:13] Dude, can we talk about dudes for a second?

[00:17:16] Dude, bros.

[00:17:17] Morbidly obese woman here.

[00:17:20] Dawn Beth Shannon custard here.

[00:17:22] What's that?

[00:17:23] I look at that bar we do that shows that they have those rules posted in the bathroom.

[00:17:28] In the bathroom, yeah.

[00:17:29] The bathroom is it's no racism, no transphobia, no homophobia phobia.

[00:17:34] I love that transphobia got bumped up to number two.

[00:17:37] Well, after racism.

[00:17:39] Well, it's because of the yeah.

[00:17:40] So those are rules for the bar for the bathroom.

[00:17:43] Just the bathroom.

[00:17:45] No racism.

[00:17:47] Yeah.

[00:17:48] Yeah.

[00:17:49] What if that's just how I have to shit?

[00:17:50] I just need to say the N word to get it all.

[00:17:52] And then the last rule is fiber for me is racism.

[00:17:56] The last rule is no bullshit.

[00:17:58] Yeah.

[00:17:59] And absolutely no bullshit.

[00:18:02] Following a list of a bunch of things I consider to be complete bullshit.

[00:18:06] Yeah.

[00:18:07] What is how do you even go do transphobia in a bar?

[00:18:13] Well the bartender is trans of that bar.

[00:18:15] So what does that mean?

[00:18:16] Not tipping the bartender or just calling her sir or something.

[00:18:20] Yeah.

[00:18:21] That would be pretty funny.

[00:18:22] Excuse me.

[00:18:23] The man who was bartending.

[00:18:25] Sir.

[00:18:26] Pardon me gentlemen.

[00:18:28] Can I have a bloody Mario?

[00:18:30] Excuse your man.

[00:18:32] That's funny.

[00:18:33] It's a man's name.

[00:18:34] It'd be a bloody Marty.

[00:18:35] Hey fella.

[00:18:36] Hey pal.

[00:18:37] I remember when it used to be the only led men bar 10.

[00:18:41] Just some old guy that hates women.

[00:18:43] It doesn't realize that's a trans person.

[00:18:46] Yeah.

[00:18:47] That would be a fun guy to be in real life.

[00:18:50] Yeah.

[00:18:51] That would be a blast.

[00:18:53] Yeah.

[00:18:54] Yeah.

[00:18:55] Just listen to Sinatra be mean to trans women.

[00:18:57] Yeah.

[00:18:58] Well trying to find.

[00:18:59] I mean you got to think if there's got to be old people that just have no idea what

[00:19:01] trans people are.

[00:19:03] It just doesn't like can't comprehend that a person would change gender.

[00:19:09] They're like what's wrong with that?

[00:19:11] Damn.

[00:19:12] Why is she six foot five?

[00:19:13] Yeah.

[00:19:14] And also they're making them tall now.

[00:19:17] Maybe it's my osteoporosis.

[00:19:21] I'm four seven.

[00:19:22] I don't know.

[00:19:24] Hey suck my dick.

[00:19:26] You know like they're also try attracted to them kind of but they don't understand.

[00:19:31] That's a real.

[00:19:32] There's old fucking morons like that.

[00:19:35] Yeah.

[00:19:36] Old people are dumb as fuck man.

[00:19:37] Yeah they are.

[00:19:38] Sounds a little ages to me.

[00:19:40] Yeah I think they're wise.

[00:19:42] Yeah.

[00:19:43] Excuse me you're being ageist.

[00:19:46] That's the dumbest.

[00:19:47] No ageism in my bathroom.

[00:19:49] I have a sign that says.

[00:19:50] They didn't say no ageism in the bathroom.

[00:19:51] You're allowed to be ages.

[00:19:52] Yeah.

[00:19:53] At that bar.

[00:19:54] What is the goal of anti-ageism?

[00:19:56] To what like to pretend like time doesn't exist.

[00:20:02] I think that it's like because people get fired from their jobs for being too old or

[00:20:07] something.

[00:20:08] Yeah they should.

[00:20:09] I agree.

[00:20:10] They've had the job for a long time.

[00:20:11] They've had plenty of opportunity to save money.

[00:20:14] It's the end of your life.

[00:20:15] It's going to suck anyways.

[00:20:17] They're going to fucking get cancer and all your friends are going to die.

[00:20:20] Like you don't need to be pretending to smile at people at Walmart.

[00:20:24] Hire someone that needs the job.

[00:20:26] Yeah I agree.

[00:20:27] Like a baby.

[00:20:28] Like a baby.

[00:20:29] Babies need work.

[00:20:30] Yeah.

[00:20:32] We should replace all of the Amazon drones with infants.

[00:20:37] Yeah.

[00:20:38] You know?

[00:20:39] That way you don't have to fuck those drones anymore.

[00:20:42] You can finally get what you want.

[00:20:46] Prime now.

[00:20:47] Amazon pre-me now.

[00:20:48] Amazon pre-me.

[00:20:49] Let me get a pre-me delivered ship shape.

[00:20:53] Tip top.

[00:20:54] Directly to my apartment.

[00:20:55] It just crawls to your door with a box full of shit on its back.

[00:20:59] Okay.

[00:21:00] Tech review corner.

[00:21:01] Moving on to our tech segment.

[00:21:03] We're done with the news.

[00:21:04] Yeah we're done with the news.

[00:21:05] Okay.

[00:21:06] We're putting a 15 minute timer.

[00:21:07] Plus you're not really contributing anything.

[00:21:09] I have.

[00:21:10] I've been listening.

[00:21:11] Yeah.

[00:21:12] You've been listening.

[00:21:13] Good job listening on the podcast.

[00:21:14] I've been trying to contribute.

[00:21:15] You fucking asshole.

[00:21:16] You're getting cut off.

[00:21:17] You're not getting cut off.

[00:21:18] You're not saying anything.

[00:21:20] Okay.

[00:21:21] I'll try it some more and maybe you should put a fucking show map together.

[00:21:25] I think it's a good show map.

[00:21:27] I thought that that was a really nice story about the dog buying a cheeseburger for the

[00:21:31] old lady.

[00:21:32] I thought that was great.

[00:21:33] I'm really glad you brought that to the table.

[00:21:34] I didn't want to interrupt it because it was warming my heart so much.

[00:21:40] Okay.

[00:21:41] I don't know.

[00:21:44] Apple Watch folks.

[00:21:45] Let's talk about it.

[00:21:46] Two weeks now at the Apple Watch.

[00:21:49] Let me tell you folks.

[00:21:50] I'm fatter than I've ever been in my entire life.

[00:21:53] Hell yeah.

[00:21:54] And the Apple Watch is letting me know.

[00:21:55] It reminds me every day that I don't walk and stand enough.

[00:21:58] You just look at it and it just says you're fat.

[00:22:00] Basically.

[00:22:01] I mean, I guess that's like a cool feature if you know you want to change something in

[00:22:05] your life.

[00:22:06] It makes your emoji fatter.

[00:22:07] I already go to the gym.

[00:22:08] It doesn't need to tell me that I need to stand up more.

[00:22:11] Is it really?

[00:22:12] How do you know you're standing up?

[00:22:14] That's some impressive technology.

[00:22:15] I don't know.

[00:22:16] It like measures your heart rate against it.

[00:22:18] You know it's funny when I do cocaine.

[00:22:21] It's like congratulations.

[00:22:23] You've reached your exercise for the week.

[00:22:26] Wow.

[00:22:27] You've done all the exercise somehow in a 15 minute period.

[00:22:32] Your heart rate is 140 beats per minute.

[00:22:36] You must be doing a triathlon right now.

[00:22:40] It's first point 10.

[00:22:41] Oh and shit.

[00:22:42] Are you eating fucking Cheerios while swimming 10 miles?

[00:22:45] Yeah, you better believe that's what I'm doing.

[00:22:48] Hell yeah, dude.

[00:22:49] Yeah.

[00:22:50] What I want is a brain monitor.

[00:22:52] You know instead of a heart rate monitor, some apple product I can just fucking jam

[00:22:56] into my skull.

[00:22:57] And you just tell when you're being racist.

[00:22:59] And when I'm being smart.

[00:23:01] When I'm thinking smart things.

[00:23:03] That would be pretty cool.

[00:23:05] They should have a sex app where like.

[00:23:06] You put the apple watch on your dick like a cock ring and then it's like you or limp.

[00:23:12] Actually you know what would be cool.

[00:23:15] You put it on, leave it on your wrist and it tells you if you're fucking good or not.

[00:23:18] Yeah.

[00:23:19] That would be cool.

[00:23:20] What would be nice is like an apple cock ring that you put on and then women have to wear

[00:23:26] an apple like pussy insert.

[00:23:29] Mm hmm.

[00:23:30] And then instead of crotch instead of tinder what what happens if your dick moves on the

[00:23:35] train you know and some woman's there and her pussy gets wet on the pussy insert made

[00:23:40] by apple then it'll uses bluetooth to communicate between the two.

[00:23:46] Mm hmm.

[00:23:47] And it's like hey you maybe you and this person should see if you have any move.

[00:23:50] The movies you like in common or whatever.

[00:23:52] That's the next step.

[00:23:53] Or just have sex with them on the train.

[00:23:54] Yeah.

[00:23:55] Right there and then.

[00:23:56] And you're up to them like hey I don't mean to bother you but are you wearing an apple

[00:23:58] pussy insert because my apple cock ring just detected that my dick moved in your direction.

[00:24:06] Mm hmm.

[00:24:07] Oh you're a police officer.

[00:24:08] Oh okay well I know this is not my fault apple makes this stuff so you can't oh I'm

[00:24:14] going to jail all right.

[00:24:16] And I keep my apple cock ring on inside the jail.

[00:24:20] No okay well that's why we need jails made by apple.

[00:24:25] Imagine that the apple jail.

[00:24:27] That would be very minimalist.

[00:24:28] It'd be nice.

[00:24:29] It would be pretty cool.

[00:24:30] Yeah.

[00:24:31] It would have a sensor inside your ass it tells me where you're getting right.

[00:24:36] And then you get a notification on your wrist that says congratulations you've hit your

[00:24:39] exercise goal for this week.

[00:24:42] Your heart rate is 140 beats per minute.

[00:24:44] And then the brain inserts like what is happening to our memory.

[00:24:48] Why is everything just being erased right now.

[00:24:51] I don't understand what's going on.

[00:24:54] We're going to have to send a bug report to warden.

[00:24:58] Yeah.

[00:24:59] Oh shit.

[00:25:00] Yeah.

[00:25:01] That was good.

[00:25:03] This is Siri the apple warden.

[00:25:07] Lights out it's bedtime.

[00:25:08] Yeah we should give our jails to apple that I think we should give most of our governments

[00:25:14] institutions to apple.

[00:25:16] That would be pretty cool.

[00:25:17] Apple school.

[00:25:19] Apple bus.

[00:25:20] Hey apple day keeps the doctor the teacher away.

[00:25:23] That's what I hear.

[00:25:25] No teachers only apples.

[00:25:26] As did they say he's an apple every day.

[00:25:29] You know what?

[00:25:30] Yeah.

[00:25:31] School.

[00:25:32] Yep.

[00:25:33] You keep the teacher away.

[00:25:34] Keep the doctor away.

[00:25:35] No more doctors.

[00:25:36] They do that shit though.

[00:25:37] They buy like you ever see those charities that are like we're getting iPads for kids

[00:25:40] that live in the ghetto.

[00:25:42] Yeah.

[00:25:45] Just fucking make them a bigger school and hire more teachers.

[00:25:49] They don't need fucking.

[00:25:50] The solution isn't being able to play angry birds or rob each other to sell those fucking

[00:25:55] iPads.

[00:25:56] Or to play loud music on the train.

[00:25:58] Yeah.

[00:25:59] That's why they're giving them the hype so they can do show time.

[00:26:01] So they could do show time show time.

[00:26:03] Start their break dancing career.

[00:26:04] Yeah.

[00:26:05] You know what I was thinking about the other day?

[00:26:07] What if they did show time show time on the subway?

[00:26:09] Those of you that don't live in New York it's like a subway dancing thing that happens

[00:26:13] here.

[00:26:14] What if they did it with a really hot chicks and they take their clothes off while they're

[00:26:19] doing it?

[00:26:20] Ho time.

[00:26:21] Ho time.

[00:26:22] Yeah.

[00:26:23] That'd be pretty cool.

[00:26:24] Yeah.

[00:26:25] Do you know what I thought would be funny is like a murder ball version of Showtime where

[00:26:28] like really aggressive wheelchair guys that come on the train.

[00:26:32] They're like the music starts playing.

[00:26:35] They're like what's up?

[00:26:36] This is murder show time.

[00:26:38] They just like get dumped out of the chair and then lie there motionless on the fucking

[00:26:42] ground of the train while the music plays and everyone just tested.

[00:26:46] Step over the.

[00:26:47] Yeah.

[00:26:48] Yeah.

[00:26:49] You're like don't he's having a thing he's like when that fucking paraplegia guy tried

[00:26:53] to do mixed martial arts and then somebody took the fight and they were like you know

[00:26:58] I mean he's just like basically stamping out a pillowcase.

[00:27:02] Yeah.

[00:27:03] What the fucking guy was is the guy in a wheelchair.

[00:27:07] The guy with no arms or legs.

[00:27:10] That's quadriplegic quadra no armalygetic quadra fucking ant quadramp quadrampity.

[00:27:18] How did he even like train for that?

[00:27:20] Quadrampity sounds like a Pokemon.

[00:27:22] He wrestles you with his neck.

[00:27:23] Yeah.

[00:27:24] Nice biting I guess biting slowly eats you like a fucking snake.

[00:27:29] Is that spoils?

[00:27:31] Yeah.

[00:27:32] He lays down next to you.

[00:27:34] The fight ends and there's like a Han Solo imprint of the other guy and his abdomen and

[00:27:40] it's like he did it.

[00:27:41] No one thought he could do it but he did it.

[00:27:43] He slowly ate the other fighter.

[00:27:46] He's an uninjured job.

[00:27:48] He absorbed the other fighter into his body and that just goes to show you if you think

[00:27:54] retarded people aren't capable of doing things you're a fucking asshole.

[00:27:59] This is UFC.

[00:28:00] Yeah.

[00:28:01] That'd be cool if they a UFC fighter retarded guy.

[00:28:04] Yeah.

[00:28:05] That's going to happen.

[00:28:06] That would be the next big fight.

[00:28:07] You know we had we did the Mayweather McGregor fight in my apartment.

[00:28:10] Oh we already did the retarded guy.

[00:28:13] Which one?

[00:28:14] I mean Mayweather's retarded.

[00:28:15] I was kidding.

[00:28:16] Yeah.

[00:28:17] Well he doesn't know how to read.

[00:28:18] That's kind of retarded.

[00:28:19] Is that really really hilarious?

[00:28:20] He can't read.

[00:28:21] Yeah.

[00:28:22] I was talking hilarious.

[00:28:23] You've never heard that promo video where he's trying to read for like the radio interstitial.

[00:28:27] No.

[00:28:28] He's like with iHeart Radio.

[00:28:33] The award he like could not.

[00:28:36] Yeah he couldn't do it.

[00:28:37] That's so funny when people like can somehow make it all the way into adulthood without

[00:28:41] learning to read and just like try to just try to get through situations like assuming

[00:28:47] no one will notice you know.

[00:28:49] Yeah I used to do a bit about that shit.

[00:28:51] Yeah.

[00:28:52] About those old radio PSAs for like the adult literacy centers.

[00:28:55] And it was always like my name's Karen.

[00:28:58] I'm a 37 year old secretary and unfortunately last year my boss found out that I didn't

[00:29:03] know how to read.

[00:29:04] I was just like.

[00:29:08] How do you get that far?

[00:29:09] I understand.

[00:29:10] It's impressive.

[00:29:12] Those people are impressive.

[00:29:13] Yeah.

[00:29:14] Their ability to pull the wool over society's eyes and become you know pilots.

[00:29:20] No I have an uncle that's I have an uncle that's like really bad but as secret as you

[00:29:23] can't read.

[00:29:24] He's a death piano tuner and he just was pretending like he wasn't deaf for like 15 years.

[00:29:30] What?

[00:29:31] Yeah.

[00:29:32] He was like talk to him and you'd say something to him and he would just go like if I write

[00:29:39] right.

[00:29:40] He just not was anything.

[00:29:42] Yeah.

[00:29:43] Yeah.

[00:29:44] It just worked.

[00:29:45] Was it Beethoven was deaf?

[00:29:46] Yeah Beethoven.

[00:29:47] He's always tell us that as kids.

[00:29:48] Oh yeah he had one of those ear horn things that weird like cornucopia thing.

[00:29:57] Yeah yeah yeah.

[00:29:58] And then it asked really yell and wild wild west.

[00:30:01] That'd be cool.

[00:30:02] That'd be wild wild brash.

[00:30:03] Let's see him.

[00:30:04] Let's take a look at him.

[00:30:05] Let's see these crazy titties.

[00:30:08] Yeah.

[00:30:09] Oh just as an aside and next I know I'm ruining the flow of the show but thank you everyone

[00:30:16] that came out last night to our live show.

[00:30:18] That was awesome and everyone's they're getting better and better and this is the important

[00:30:24] part we're switching to bi-monthly so the first of our image will buy anything.

[00:30:30] No Apple watch let me purchase it.

[00:30:33] So I'm what they call it bi-sum actual.

[00:30:36] God fuck it.

[00:30:37] I mean I pay women for sex.

[00:30:39] So our first.

[00:30:40] That was worth cutting me off.

[00:30:45] Anyway our first bi-monthly show is September 11th.

[00:30:49] God damn it.

[00:30:51] September 11th the anniversary.

[00:30:54] The December German 11th blowout sale.

[00:30:57] We're crashing planes into buildings all day long.

[00:31:01] The anniversary of the terrible attacks on the World Trade Center will be our first bi-monthly

[00:31:08] schedule.

[00:31:09] I'm anti-fog.

[00:31:10] They're terrorist attack.

[00:31:11] I'm pro 9-11 anti-fog.

[00:31:13] That's what anti-fog was pro 9-11.

[00:31:16] Yeah probably were actually part of it.

[00:31:18] The planes were wearing bandanas over their noses.

[00:31:21] Mm-hmm.

[00:31:22] You know what I think about is people that like sit around and they like dress up and they're

[00:31:26] proud to be anti-fog.

[00:31:28] It's cosplay.

[00:31:29] It's the gay issue.

[00:31:30] There's a lot of hangers on that are really emus shit.

[00:31:32] It sucks because there's like a real thing at the center of it but there's so many dudes

[00:31:36] that are just like you.

[00:31:37] Well the real shit was like in Europe where there was a costume you know.

[00:31:40] The real shit was in Europe where there were actually Nazis beating the shit out of it.

[00:31:43] Well in the whole world of like these alt-right guys fighting the anti-fog guys.

[00:31:49] There's maybe three dudes that are actually not cowards.

[00:31:53] Okay I'm gonna.

[00:31:54] That are fighting each other.

[00:31:55] Yeah.

[00:31:56] There's the alt-right has that one guy who's like jacked and just punches people in the

[00:31:59] face.

[00:32:01] And then I'm sure there's a couple of anti-fog people that actually like fighting.

[00:32:05] And then the rest of it is like cowardly people that want to beat like they're the people

[00:32:10] that fucking like are excited about the idea of a mosh pit.

[00:32:13] Yeah totally totally.

[00:32:14] Can't be able to punch somebody in the face without getting punched back.

[00:32:17] I was shameless plug.

[00:32:18] I'm gonna plug my podcast because I just did a podcast about the history of anti-fog.

[00:32:21] I have a podcast called Pod Damn America.

[00:32:23] If you're listening we do history about shit like that.

[00:32:25] Isn't that a ready a podcast?

[00:32:27] Yeah it is.

[00:32:28] It sounds I think a podcast.

[00:32:29] It sounds like a pod damn America is the name of John.

[00:32:32] John love it.

[00:32:33] Yeah it's his podcast.

[00:32:34] John love us.

[00:32:35] This is Pod save America.

[00:32:36] Nah I don't know.

[00:32:37] I don't know.

[00:32:38] I don't know.

[00:32:39] I don't know.

[00:32:40] It's pod damn America.

[00:32:41] You should change it to maybe like WTF.

[00:32:42] I'm fucking all changed to come town bitch.

[00:32:45] See that's the time you need to have to worry about someone already having this as a name

[00:32:48] for their podcast.

[00:32:49] You know I had to fucking like tell my boss at work like yeah I got to get off to do

[00:32:52] you come to everyone kept asking me, what's the name of it?

[00:32:57] What are you doing?

[00:32:58] Yeah, everyone was like, that's such a stupid name.

[00:33:01] You could never market that show.

[00:33:03] And it's like, Luku's name is at the top of Times Square

[00:33:07] right now.

[00:33:08] Come down.

[00:33:08] Right above the Toys R Us Ferris Wheel.

[00:33:11] It's on that ticker like that fucking stop.

[00:33:14] Is that still there?

[00:33:14] How long ago did that disappear?

[00:33:17] Probably 10 years ago.

[00:33:19] It was a Toys R Us with a Ferris wheel in it.

[00:33:22] In Times Square?

[00:33:23] I think.

[00:33:23] I don't know.

[00:33:25] You went?

[00:33:25] You went to FAO Schwartz too.

[00:33:27] FAG.

[00:33:28] Where do you go?

[00:33:29] Yeah, that was a joke I said.

[00:33:30] Yeah, I did that.

[00:33:31] You actually said that I like to go to FAG Schwartz.

[00:33:34] I did.

[00:33:34] Yeah.

[00:33:35] That was a good joke.

[00:33:36] It didn't hurt my feelings at all.

[00:33:39] I thought it was pretty funny and worked with the show.

[00:33:42] And OK, you want to go back to that Ferris wheel thing

[00:33:45] you were saying?

[00:33:46] Ferris wheel.

[00:33:48] The world's gayest roller coaster?

[00:33:49] Yes or no?

[00:33:50] True.

[00:33:52] Yeah.

[00:33:53] That's my new character is the guy that's like, oh, you know,

[00:33:55] I don't really like I like I love roller coasters,

[00:33:58] but the scary ones I can't really do so much.

[00:34:01] So it's like the Ferris wheel.

[00:34:04] That's my favorite roller coaster.

[00:34:06] I love just the big loop-de-loop Ferris wheel.

[00:34:09] That's so scary to me.

[00:34:11] But I love it.

[00:34:13] I just love being scared.

[00:34:17] It really is.

[00:34:17] I love being scared on the T-Cups.

[00:34:20] These are my favorite roller coasters.

[00:34:22] The little caterpillar that looks like he's going to school.

[00:34:25] Yeah, yeah, that one.

[00:34:26] Baby.

[00:34:27] It's terrifying.

[00:34:29] Again.

[00:34:30] So scary.

[00:34:31] Again, got this.

[00:34:33] It likes the baby roller coasters.

[00:34:36] It's a pretty good character for me.

[00:34:38] That's a good new idea.

[00:34:40] You know what I love?

[00:34:41] The scary roller coaster.

[00:34:42] It's funny that there's like Ferris wheel.

[00:34:44] The Ferris wheel.

[00:34:45] Or where they guess you're white and they use your name.

[00:34:47] It's scary, yeah.

[00:34:48] I'm going to guess you're white.

[00:34:50] And you're scary when you shoot the waters.

[00:34:53] Scary Ferris wheel at the one from the movie Fear

[00:34:55] where Mark Wahlberg sticks his fingers in your pussy.

[00:34:59] That is the scariest one.

[00:35:01] You've heard of people like, because they have the baby roller

[00:35:05] coasters.

[00:35:05] And then at some point in the 90s,

[00:35:08] they started just making the most extreme shit

[00:35:11] of all time.

[00:35:11] Cedar Point.

[00:35:12] Not even fun to ride.

[00:35:13] Dude, those shits are so fun to ride.

[00:35:15] The problem is that as a kid, you remember them.

[00:35:19] And you wait in line and you're terrified.

[00:35:21] So you have all this adrenaline that

[00:35:23] makes getting through the line go faster.

[00:35:25] And then you ride it and you're so scared

[00:35:27] as you're going up the hill.

[00:35:29] And then the ride, you're like, oh, I hope this ends soon.

[00:35:32] I'm having this huge adrenaline rush.

[00:35:34] And now as an adult with a cocaine problem

[00:35:37] and a muted ability to, I don't have any dopamine in my brain

[00:35:42] and I don't really have any kind of adrenal response anymore.

[00:35:45] It's waiting for two hours in a fucking line.

[00:35:49] And then, oh, yeah, no, I cut my fucking hands up all the time.

[00:35:53] I'll work in with like power tools.

[00:35:54] And you don't feel anything?

[00:35:56] I mean, it hurts, but it's like, I just,

[00:35:58] I mean, I like cut the top of my finger off.

[00:36:01] Yes, or like last week.

[00:36:03] And it's just like, god damn it.

[00:36:05] You know, I don't have any reaction.

[00:36:07] So you're so dead inside.

[00:36:08] Kind of.

[00:36:09] Yeah, I just don't.

[00:36:10] I don't feel anything.

[00:36:11] So the roller coasters, they kind of suck.

[00:36:13] They don't last as long.

[00:36:15] I mean, it is fun, but it's like, it's

[00:36:17] a 45 second ride.

[00:36:19] And you just waited two hours in line.

[00:36:23] You know, even if you have the flash pass.

[00:36:24] Yeah, that's what it's all about, dude, the flash pass.

[00:36:27] I don't know.

[00:36:28] I fucking hate that.

[00:36:29] You pay more money.

[00:36:30] I hate that superhero bullshit.

[00:36:31] So god damn much.

[00:36:33] Actually, they just make a roller coaster.

[00:36:35] It's like, it's Batman, the roller coaster.

[00:36:38] Yeah, all of them are like Batman or Joka's Revenge

[00:36:41] and the Ritalis penis.

[00:36:42] What does that even mean?

[00:36:43] I don't know.

[00:36:44] Just call it the rollercoaster.

[00:36:45] I don't want to, I don't need all this theme bullshit.

[00:36:48] You know, that pissed me off.

[00:36:49] They're not the six flags, Magic Mountain.

[00:36:52] I grew up in Houston.

[00:36:53] Yeah.

[00:36:54] The Astra world was the thing that closed it down years ago,

[00:36:56] but like near the end of it, there was like.

[00:36:58] About the asshole world.

[00:37:01] The Houston assholes, pretty good.

[00:37:04] But there was like one of the last

[00:37:05] where I was just making the whole.

[00:37:06] Sure, Texas pride is about just working on the ranch,

[00:37:11] not needing any government or help from anybody else.

[00:37:14] Doing your cattle drives and exposing your asshole directly

[00:37:17] to the sun to clean it out with that vitamin D

[00:37:20] and the beautiful rays being penetrated

[00:37:22] by God's greatest beauty, the light in the sky.

[00:37:24] Yeah.

[00:37:25] There was a roller coaster that was called Swat

[00:37:27] and it was literally just like a giant fly swatter.

[00:37:29] You just get in it and then it was just like,

[00:37:32] just like a jerky forward.

[00:37:34] It just hurt.

[00:37:34] And then people were like, wow, that was so scary, I guess.

[00:37:38] Yeah.

[00:37:39] Just painful.

[00:37:40] Apparently there was a place in New Jersey

[00:37:41] that got shut down because too many people

[00:37:43] were getting injured.

[00:37:44] There's a water park in New Jersey that like,

[00:37:46] yeah, just like break their legs and shit all the time.

[00:37:49] There's like, there's a, if you know what it's called,

[00:37:51] there's like a.

[00:37:52] It's like everything was covered in tetanus.

[00:37:54] Jersey, it's a Jersey six flags.

[00:37:56] It's called six flags, a friend of ours.

[00:37:59] Where all the rides break your legs.

[00:38:01] Yeah.

[00:38:03] There's like a water slide that tries to do like a full like loop,

[00:38:07] you know, like, but it's like, it doesn't work at all.

[00:38:09] And like people just get to the top of it

[00:38:11] and just fall and shit, but like it's still open.

[00:38:14] Like no one's really, you know, suited or shut it down.

[00:38:18] I love going to amusement parks.

[00:38:19] It's a shame.

[00:38:20] The summer ended kind of abruptly here.

[00:38:21] It's fall now.

[00:38:22] Yeah.

[00:38:23] It's just cold right now.

[00:38:24] Yeah.

[00:38:25] I'm coming to wave.

[00:38:26] I would love to go earlier this week.

[00:38:27] Get one last six flags in before the summer.

[00:38:30] I know that shit in years.

[00:38:31] We should go.

[00:38:32] I like water parks a lot.

[00:38:35] I like, I like lazy rivers.

[00:38:36] I like pee.

[00:38:37] The one thing that was nice about going to six flags this year

[00:38:40] is I got there and I went on one of the baby roller coasters

[00:38:44] because it had a quick line.

[00:38:45] And you lost your wallet.

[00:38:46] Lost my wallet immediately.

[00:38:47] Yeah.

[00:38:48] It fell out of my pocket on the ride.

[00:38:49] Yeah.

[00:38:50] It just went off into the course.

[00:38:51] And so it was like, I had to stay there

[00:38:54] until the end of the day.

[00:38:55] Yeah.

[00:38:56] So that they could walk the track and get my wallet back.

[00:38:58] And it like gave me an excuse to like stay like,

[00:39:04] cause you know, otherwise it'd be like, all right,

[00:39:06] I've been here three hours.

[00:39:07] I'm going, you know, I'm going to stay here the whole day.

[00:39:09] Say they're the whole day.

[00:39:10] Got a couple of rides in.

[00:39:11] You did.

[00:39:12] Some of the big boys.

[00:39:13] Just one.

[00:39:14] You have like the opportunity to go on one or two big roller

[00:39:17] coasters at that.

[00:39:18] And it's like 50 bucks for admins.

[00:39:19] To get in?

[00:39:20] Yeah.

[00:39:21] It's, yeah.

[00:39:22] It was about that.

[00:39:23] It was probably like 80 a person.

[00:39:24] 80 a person?

[00:39:25] Yeah.

[00:39:26] I don't, I didn't bring like a Coke can or anything.

[00:39:27] Yeah.

[00:39:28] You always got to be a choker.

[00:39:29] Yeah.

[00:39:30] Yeah.

[00:39:31] Yeah.

[00:39:32] If you drink soda, you get in cheaper.

[00:39:33] If you make the rides have to work harder, you know, they need

[00:39:38] those fat people there to make the rides go faster.

[00:39:40] Yeah.

[00:39:41] It's probably a momentum.

[00:39:42] Yeah.

[00:39:43] Yeah.

[00:39:44] Yeah.

[00:39:45] Yeah.

[00:39:46] Would any fat people care to volunteer to come to the front to

[00:39:47] make the ride work?

[00:39:48] Thank you.

[00:39:49] Yeah.

[00:39:50] I used to think that VR technology would replace roller coasters because you just put on the,

[00:39:55] you put on the glasses and feel like you're on roller coasters.

[00:39:58] That's because you're very retarded.

[00:40:00] You think they'll make the money?

[00:40:04] Yeah.

[00:40:05] Yeah.

[00:40:06] I just got to be a PlayStation virtual retardant.

[00:40:09] You put it on and it makes you feel like you have down syndrome.

[00:40:12] It's pretty crazy.

[00:40:13] I strapped that shit in, shit myself immediately.

[00:40:15] Just something there.

[00:40:17] Just sticking the PlayStation controller in your mouth.

[00:40:19] They're like, is this Starburst?

[00:40:21] I think I'm just eating nothing with candy right now.

[00:40:24] Game shark.

[00:40:25] Is that Norman?

[00:40:26] You said that joke about about the worst part of it getting a blowjob from a retarded

[00:40:31] girl is all the candy in her mouth.

[00:40:33] Oh man.

[00:40:35] Man, Norman fucking unfriended me.

[00:40:37] Did he?

[00:40:38] Over like political shit.

[00:40:39] What political shit?

[00:40:40] You know, he's, he, I was talking about anti-fung.

[00:40:43] He was like, well, I'll not, I don't agree with you, but I defend to the death.

[00:40:47] You're right to, you know, that shit, the first piece.

[00:40:49] Then why do you unfriend you?

[00:40:51] I don't know.

[00:40:52] I love Norm.

[00:40:53] We just disagree about everything.

[00:40:54] But, uh, Paul, political shit's, it's getting too real, man.

[00:40:59] I want to hang out Norm.

[00:41:00] He's just, he's a fucking libertarian psycho.

[00:41:02] You know, he's, well, he's people down in Texas.

[00:41:05] I don't know, man.

[00:41:06] I got into it with Stop the other day.

[00:41:07] And it's like the problem with libertarianism is that it's sort of like, by default morally

[00:41:11] bankrupt and like the, the, the implication in saying I'm a libertarian is I don't give

[00:41:16] a shit about anybody that would need assistance, you know, from the government.

[00:41:21] Or it's just like a theoretical, like the, the assumption, the assumption of the basis

[00:41:26] of libertarianism is that everyone starts at like a zero and it like, yeah.

[00:41:29] Sure.

[00:41:30] And it's equal distribution of resources and all this shit that doesn't really exist.

[00:41:34] And you know, people are start off rich and people are poor.

[00:41:38] The problem with libertarianism is that they implied lack of like empathy or social support

[00:41:43] for people.

[00:41:44] But like, and also that you have power from like the moment you're born.

[00:41:46] Yeah, it doesn't matter.

[00:41:47] But like Norm is also like one of the most charitable nicest people.

[00:41:51] I love Norm, man.

[00:41:52] So I don't like it doesn't matter that he's a libertarian.

[00:41:55] You know, it's like, it's to the same degree that like, if somebody told me somebody was

[00:41:59] racist, because they liked making like, you know, racist jokes or whatever here and there,

[00:42:05] but then they worked for a charity that helped, you know, young black kids lighten their skin

[00:42:10] to fit it better into society.

[00:42:12] I wouldn't call that I wouldn't care that that guy's racist, you know, the net effect

[00:42:16] that whatever they're doing.

[00:42:18] What?

[00:42:19] It's your job to make it clear that that part is a joke.

[00:42:25] Yeah, let me just continue going people are like, what?

[00:42:29] I'm sorry.

[00:42:30] I'm sorry.

[00:42:31] Yeah, you're fucking lounging my fucking bullshit vocal fry nonsense.

[00:42:35] What's wrong with my voice?

[00:42:37] No, it sucks.

[00:42:38] You know what someone said to me last night?

[00:42:39] No, they expected me to be six foot three.

[00:42:42] Oh, did they?

[00:42:43] Because I always talk about how I'm the tallest come.

[00:42:45] Yeah.

[00:42:46] Are you really?

[00:42:47] I am.

[00:42:48] That's only because it's making stuff are manlets.

[00:42:51] I'm so much taller.

[00:42:52] Adam's Adam's a inch taller than me and stuff.

[00:42:56] That's not true, dude.

[00:42:57] Yes, he is.

[00:42:58] You're five foot three.

[00:42:59] I'm not five.

[00:43:00] I'm six, seven, three.

[00:43:04] Tech review corner.

[00:43:05] They get the blood glucose monitor at the Apple store now.

[00:43:09] I was thinking about buying that and trying to return it.

[00:43:13] Just being bled all of it.

[00:43:16] Like, moving myself up and bring it back.

[00:43:18] Like, yeah, this thing is just to fucking mess.

[00:43:21] I've never seen a glucose monitor this bad.

[00:43:23] Just bringing it into the Ziploc baggie for blood.

[00:43:26] I was wondering, I do drop off laundry.

[00:43:29] Oh, shit.

[00:43:30] I forgot I have to go pick up my laundry.

[00:43:31] I dropped it off days ago.

[00:43:32] How much does it cost?

[00:43:34] It's like a 10 bucks.

[00:43:35] It's like a dollar a pound?

[00:43:37] No, I mean, no, it's like 30 cents a pound.

[00:43:41] That's amazing.

[00:43:42] Yeah.

[00:43:43] It's awesome.

[00:43:44] I fold it for you and shit.

[00:43:45] Yeah, they fold it for you.

[00:43:46] It doesn't make sense to do your own laundry because like the amount you spend on quarters

[00:43:49] and shit.

[00:43:50] More than 10 bucks.

[00:43:51] Yeah, it's not worth it to do it that way.

[00:43:54] So yeah, just use drop off service.

[00:43:56] But you know, like most people, I jack off on all my clothes.

[00:44:00] I'm always thinking about that man.

[00:44:02] And I bring it in and it's like they have to know.

[00:44:04] Yeah.

[00:44:05] It's like, oh yeah, he just glues his sock shut after he's done wearing them.

[00:44:10] It's two dimensional paper machete socks.

[00:44:13] They watch so many of these clothes.

[00:44:16] They probably are used to it because so many people jack off on their socks.

[00:44:19] Yeah, yeah, that's amazing.

[00:44:20] I was thinking like at what point are you just bringing in like a paint mixing bucket filled

[00:44:24] with calm with a single sock floating on the top of it?

[00:44:27] I thought about bringing in a shirt one time.

[00:44:29] I just threw it away.

[00:44:30] I was just in the middle of throwing it into a hamper and then went, you know what?

[00:44:34] Maybe it's just trash because it was probably man.

[00:44:38] You know what it was too?

[00:44:39] This is so fucked up.

[00:44:41] There's a show.

[00:44:42] I don't know.

[00:44:43] Maybe I shouldn't even tell this fucking story, man.

[00:44:45] This is like this shitty old man in Texas that likes trying to like market his daughter

[00:44:52] as a comedian, you know, and like taking her around.

[00:44:55] Where's the daughter?

[00:44:56] It seems like Safron or something.

[00:44:59] Oh, Safron.

[00:45:00] Yeah.

[00:45:01] Yeah, her whole thing is like, I love Nirvana and it's like, it could have been died like

[00:45:06] five years before you were born.

[00:45:08] Yeah.

[00:45:09] This doesn't make sense.

[00:45:10] Yeah, it's your dad.

[00:45:11] It's right in the fucking material.

[00:45:13] So like, I was really fucking tired and I was in Austin one time doing a show and his

[00:45:17] guy came up to me and he was like really trying to network way too hard.

[00:45:20] So he made me fucking take this shirt that's like the Nirvana logo and it says Safron or

[00:45:25] whatever.

[00:45:26] Yeah.

[00:45:27] Threw it in my back.

[00:45:28] I was like, whatever dude.

[00:45:29] Went home.

[00:45:30] And you jacked off on a shirt of a 10 year old girl.

[00:45:31] I mean, it just became a go-to-come-round.

[00:45:34] Like my god.

[00:45:35] This is in the corner of the room, you know?

[00:45:39] And like, it just happened to be like, well, I don't want this shirt.

[00:45:44] So then I ordered a pizza one time.

[00:45:46] Now, Safron's your cum stuff.

[00:45:48] And like, you know, it was dark and I had to throw on a t-shirt to go like, yeah, answer

[00:45:53] the door.

[00:45:54] And I was just wearing this shirt with cum all over it.

[00:45:57] This pizza guy was like, okay, here's your.

[00:46:01] It's you decide to throw it away.

[00:46:04] That's it.

[00:46:05] That's all.

[00:46:06] I've recently seen you ever encountered delivering pizza's neck.

[00:46:10] Oh, Jake's also a pizza guy.

[00:46:12] Well, either of you.

[00:46:14] But yeah, you're currently fancy your hips are pizza guy.

[00:46:18] I don't know.

[00:46:19] I mean, there was a bipolar, not a bipolar and OCD guy used to deliver pizza to when

[00:46:24] I worked at Papa John's and he would.

[00:46:27] Oh, I got a good one.

[00:46:29] I keep going with the OCD.

[00:46:32] Come on.

[00:46:33] Yeah, we got.

[00:46:34] Oh, all right.

[00:46:35] I mean, this isn't even a very good story, but he would, you know, they have like all

[00:46:38] those dip cups at Papa John's like, it's not just the garlic cup.

[00:46:42] People don't realize there's like nine different cups you can get.

[00:46:44] Really?

[00:46:45] And this guy would order two of each in addition to the garlic cup.

[00:46:48] You get all the dip cups and they're like the same order.

[00:46:51] It's like a pretty big order.

[00:46:52] And he would always tip like 25%, which is like pretty good for pizza delivery, especially

[00:46:57] if it's a big order.

[00:46:58] So he'd be like a $9 tip.

[00:46:59] So it wasn't really a big deal, but you would go to his house, you'd hand them the bag and

[00:47:04] you would take the bag and lock the door and not give you the money.

[00:47:07] And he was like, wait a minute.

[00:47:08] And then you would go inside and he would open up all the boxes and remove all of the

[00:47:12] dip cups, put them back in the bag and then come to the door and hand you the bag of sauces

[00:47:17] that you paid extra for.

[00:47:19] Yeah.

[00:47:20] And then give you the tip.

[00:47:21] The fuck?

[00:47:22] Yeah.

[00:47:23] You'd take the sauces back to the store.

[00:47:24] You would have to take them back to the store.

[00:47:25] Weird.

[00:47:26] Yeah.

[00:47:27] The first time I delivered there, the guy was like, yeah, this guy is crazy.

[00:47:29] So yeah, he's going to do a weird thing with the sauces.

[00:47:32] This is jacking off somewhere in this equation, right?

[00:47:35] Yeah, yeah.

[00:47:36] I had this guy, this old gay man, like, you know, elderly white hair, lived in like publicly

[00:47:41] funded housing and ordered every day.

[00:47:44] And his, his fucking greatest, like James Bond name ever, his name was Ray Maxwell.

[00:47:49] And like he, you know, you'd go to his James Bond's name.

[00:47:52] I know.

[00:47:53] It's a cool name.

[00:47:55] James Bond's name is James Bond.

[00:47:56] I get it.

[00:47:57] I'm just saying it doesn't make sense.

[00:47:59] I'm going to have to side with Nick on this one.

[00:48:04] It sounds like a normal name.

[00:48:06] So you'd go to his say like James Bond name.

[00:48:09] He's like 80 year old man.

[00:48:11] You'd open the door and his just the air, just this waft of just cigarettes and cum would

[00:48:16] come at you.

[00:48:17] And you'd look over his shoulder and is like, you know how like teenagers like put like

[00:48:21] magazine shit up on their walls and she gay porn all over his fucking walls.

[00:48:26] Just from magazines?

[00:48:27] Yeah.

[00:48:28] So porn magazines like, you know, and this is like the internet exists.

[00:48:32] Yeah.

[00:48:33] This point is like play gay and gay hustler and yeah.

[00:48:38] And gay, gay Nickelodeon magazine, gay highlights of the classic gay.

[00:48:47] Who fits is a bottom where his gallant is a top.

[00:48:56] Two fist doesn't disclose his HIV status while gallant lies about it.

[00:49:02] Gay sports illustrated.

[00:49:06] Sports illustrated swim gay edition gay and former.

[00:49:11] These are great puns.

[00:49:13] How about this?

[00:49:15] National Geographic National Gay Geographic.

[00:49:21] Fire me weekend update, a new magazine is out.

[00:49:26] I'm sure you guys have heard of the New York Times about the New York fag times.

[00:49:32] You're watching Donald Trump's weekend update.

[00:49:35] It's a new show where we use tax dollars to take over every television station where I

[00:49:40] do my own very funny version of SNL.

[00:49:44] Yeah.

[00:49:45] Hurricane Harvey.

[00:49:46] You know who wouldn't have done anything about that?

[00:49:49] Obama.

[00:49:50] But I'm doing something about it.

[00:49:52] I'm watching right up to that storm and I'm calling it a queer.

[00:49:56] Yeah.

[00:49:57] He's so fucking funny man.

[00:49:59] Donald Trump.

[00:50:00] Yeah.

[00:50:01] I hope he's president forever.

[00:50:02] I hope that he did.

[00:50:03] I love just how fucking irrational he makes people that suck act and like think.

[00:50:08] What's his name?

[00:50:09] Greg Abbitt's in a wheelchair.

[00:50:10] People are perfectly comfortable in their lives just are whoo.

[00:50:13] There's a weird way.

[00:50:14] I don't know what to do.

[00:50:16] Yeah.

[00:50:17] No, that does matter.

[00:50:18] It's really everyone else.

[00:50:19] Yeah.

[00:50:20] And then they do the thing where it's like and I'm especially concerned for my minority

[00:50:25] friends.

[00:50:26] All of my poor black friends that live in like what downtown Cleveland that you hear

[00:50:32] again.

[00:50:33] He's fictional and impoverished section eight black people that you know that that's who

[00:50:37] you're worried about is people that you didn't give a shit at all about before really.

[00:50:41] Yeah.

[00:50:42] They're also just assuming that they also like for Hillary and right.

[00:50:45] They all voted for Hillary or that if like the poor people who lived in abject poverty

[00:50:50] didn't like just to like grow up in that circumstance and they kind of like don't see

[00:50:56] a solution anyways even when things are perfect the way you want with I don't know some old

[00:51:03] woman that's a liar in office.

[00:51:05] Yeah.

[00:51:06] I've been reading about Bill Clinton lately man.

[00:51:08] He was so fucking like crazy.

[00:51:10] You know about like retarded guy he executed.

[00:51:12] Yeah.

[00:51:13] Just like make Republicans like him.

[00:51:16] Ricky Ray rector fucking he or that's a cool James Bond.

[00:51:20] That's a total James Bond name.

[00:51:22] You know what I mean.

[00:51:23] It sounds cool.

[00:51:24] So he like rector Ricky rector Ray rector Ray reke where you going retarded.

[00:51:34] I hardly I don't know.

[00:51:35] So he ordered up like a pie for his last meal and he saved half of it because he was like

[00:51:40] I'm going to eat it later.

[00:51:41] Like I didn't even understand that they were like going to kill him.

[00:51:44] Yeah.

[00:51:45] That's very sad.

[00:51:46] Yeah.

[00:51:47] Well you know that's who gets executed.

[00:51:49] You know it's funny is because you know Texas loves killing retard hell yeah.

[00:51:53] Hell yeah.

[00:51:54] That's the Houston assholes.

[00:51:56] Yes.

[00:51:57] That's the mascot of both the Rangers and the ass assholes is a death rate.

[00:52:03] Is it crispy retarded guy strapped to an electric chair and like in here comes the

[00:52:11] the retard running around the warning track trying to chase his final meal of a handful

[00:52:17] of Jolly ranchers and a little table from the inside of a pizza box.

[00:52:22] Yeah.

[00:52:23] Suck it's Norm's dig.

[00:52:26] That seems like a thing he would have done.

[00:52:27] Was a retarded kid blown.

[00:52:30] Yeah.

[00:52:31] Wait isn't that guy the governor of Texas Greg Abbott isn't he in a wheel?

[00:52:37] Yeah he's retarded actually.

[00:52:39] Yeah.

[00:52:40] I know that Trump didn't know he was at a wheelchair until he got to see Houston today.

[00:52:44] It's just like to keep staring at it.

[00:52:47] Oh it's true.

[00:52:48] Kind of go to beautiful retarded man.

[00:52:49] There's a picture of him in Melania.

[00:52:51] I was I was kind of hoping Trump would just not address the hurricane at all.

[00:52:54] No he's going to that he would just be like I don't care about this.

[00:52:58] Am I a hurricane?

[00:52:59] I didn't do it.

[00:53:00] I didn't cause his problem.

[00:53:02] No.

[00:53:03] Yeah he's going and people are very mad that Melania is wearing stilettos to the to the hurricane.

[00:53:09] Yeah this is disrespectful.

[00:53:11] Why?

[00:53:12] That elevates you from the flood water.

[00:53:14] Yeah I think so.

[00:53:15] It's smart.

[00:53:16] I think both of them should be on still.

[00:53:18] Yeah almost like Uncle Sam if I can cut huge the pants go over the stills.

[00:53:24] Yeah yeah.

[00:53:25] Are those weird if Trump just walked around like that.

[00:53:28] That'd be so fucking funny.

[00:53:30] I want to learn how to use stills.

[00:53:32] He gave speeches with a huge podium.

[00:53:35] Yeah.

[00:53:36] Why do you the second you learn how to use stills and then you use them for your daily

[00:53:40] commute you automatically become the stills guy you know what I mean.

[00:53:45] Why is there such a stigma like stills people.

[00:53:48] You got to be like an Uncle Sam in a July parade.

[00:53:51] I don't know what you're talking about.

[00:53:53] Yeah they're in the neighborhood.

[00:53:54] You spent all that money on those damn stills.

[00:53:56] I think stills would be fun.

[00:53:59] This like when is it Greg Abbott you stills.

[00:54:03] There's a family in my neighborhood and the dad had these like he had like really

[00:54:06] fucked up eyesight I guess.

[00:54:08] Yeah.

[00:54:09] Says glasses were like this ridiculous prescription and I remember the daughter one time stole

[00:54:13] her dad's glasses and we were putting them on and riding our bikes and when you look

[00:54:19] down with the glasses on it made it look like the ground was like 40 feet away.

[00:54:23] So you would ride your bike and you'd be like holy shit and it was the greatest feeling

[00:54:28] in the world.

[00:54:29] Like looking through binoculars backwards.

[00:54:31] I guess.

[00:54:32] Yeah.

[00:54:33] I don't know.

[00:54:34] I just remember that.

[00:54:35] Fucking up your own eyesight.

[00:54:37] Right.

[00:54:38] I want a pair of glasses like that.

[00:54:41] You know Coke bottle.

[00:54:42] I got to get new glasses.

[00:54:43] I got these from Zany Optical.

[00:54:45] I guess this accounts as a tech review is glasses.

[00:54:49] Glasses are technology technically.

[00:54:50] Yeah.

[00:54:51] And Ben Franklin invented them.

[00:54:53] Mm hmm.

[00:54:54] That's he gets credit for too much shit.

[00:54:55] Even in bifocal we talk about that on the show too.

[00:54:58] He would be so fucking obnoxious if you were alive today.

[00:55:01] I don't think so dude.

[00:55:02] I think he's like he banged like.

[00:55:05] Where did he?

[00:55:06] That's a fucking myth.

[00:55:07] Ben Franklin didn't fuck a lot.

[00:55:08] Yeah he did dude.

[00:55:09] No.

[00:55:10] He wrote about fucking.

[00:55:11] He doesn't mean he.

[00:55:12] Yeah he occasionally wrote some like dirty jokes and people are like oh you fucked a lot.

[00:55:16] No he got he died of syphilis.

[00:55:18] He wrote like an essay.

[00:55:19] Everyone has syphilis back there.

[00:55:20] Why you should marry a family.

[00:55:21] Everyone has like an ugly woman.

[00:55:23] They're an ugly woman.

[00:55:24] Yeah.

[00:55:25] Yeah.

[00:55:26] Yeah.

[00:55:27] An older woman you should fuck older women too.

[00:55:28] Yeah.

[00:55:29] You probably fucked.

[00:55:30] Yeah.

[00:55:31] This is a bit I was saying.

[00:55:32] He was probably like a sex like a creep you know like a sex nerd.

[00:55:37] I read that he liked to stick his head in women's pussy.

[00:55:42] It's true.

[00:55:43] That's how he went bald.

[00:55:44] I also read that journal.

[00:55:45] If you go cue ball bald and you put your head in a pussy and you wear a woman like a

[00:55:50] hat right bitch I'm away.

[00:55:53] That's how he discovered electricity bitch I'm gonna make I'm gonna turn your ass into

[00:55:57] a hat.

[00:55:58] I'm just gonna make you.

[00:56:01] What do you gotta talk about the reason?

[00:56:02] That's a funny visual.

[00:56:03] He was a Chinese guy at the show the other night.

[00:56:06] Last night.

[00:56:07] Last night is a Chinese guy there and he had a criterion collection tattoo on his arm.

[00:56:12] And we noticed it and we started laughing at him for having a criterion collection tattoo.

[00:56:16] He's a fan of the show.

[00:56:17] Yeah.

[00:56:18] And so we're laughing at him for having a criterion collection tattoo and he goes he's

[00:56:22] like oh my Chinese dad would just like you know he would take me to see these art house

[00:56:26] films all the time.

[00:56:27] But you look at him and he doesn't look half Chinese.

[00:56:29] He looks like he's also Chinese.

[00:56:31] Yeah.

[00:56:32] So it's full Chinese.

[00:56:33] Right.

[00:56:34] That makes sense to say my Chinese dad.

[00:56:35] I was just imagining his Chinese dad and we're like yeah I mean my Chinese son are gonna

[00:56:39] go.

[00:56:40] We were watching.

[00:56:41] It's specified.

[00:56:42] Yeah.

[00:56:43] Yeah.

[00:56:44] Yeah.

[00:56:45] I mean my Chinese wife who I'm going my Chinese son.

[00:56:49] Chinese hello son Chinese hello to you too.

[00:56:52] Yeah that that was pretty fun.

[00:56:54] That was very funny.

[00:56:56] That's funny that a criterion tattoo.

[00:56:59] He is the criterion C tattoo.

[00:57:02] Yeah.

[00:57:03] And he met this guy Ben that we know that was at the show who was wearing Janice Films

[00:57:07] T-shirt.

[00:57:08] Yeah.

[00:57:09] And he was like.

[00:57:10] And he was like he's strange.

[00:57:11] Very good.

[00:57:12] He was.

[00:57:13] He was a good boy.

[00:57:14] He was a good boy.

[00:57:15] Damn.

[00:57:16] It's almost like you guys have a demographic of people that are.

[00:57:17] No he came up.

[00:57:18] No he came up.

[00:57:19] He says with things.

[00:57:20] No the criterion tattoo came up to compliment Ben's T-shirt and then Nick and I Nick started making

[00:57:24] fun of the T-shirt and he's like yeah actually it's really named T-shirt.

[00:57:28] Yeah it's super lame.

[00:57:29] And then I looked out at his arm I was like do you have a criterion collection tattoo?

[00:57:34] Oh man.

[00:57:35] Does it look like.

[00:57:37] Is it a Spaghetti-O's tattoo?

[00:57:41] Yeah pretty much.

[00:57:42] And this is we'll close out with this.

[00:57:44] Oh we got some movie previews after it too.

[00:57:46] But I was thinking this is I don't like doing stand up anymore as you guys know.

[00:57:50] This is a bit I was thinking about.

[00:57:51] I kind of you know it's funny I quit stand up right around when the subway Jared thing

[00:57:54] happened because it was so good for joke writing and there hasn't been anything that's happened

[00:57:58] since.

[00:57:59] And I was thinking about subway Jared the other day and it's like do you think that the other

[00:58:03] pedophiles in prison are just sort of like delighted to meet him because to them he's

[00:58:08] still just the guy from the subway commercials.

[00:58:11] Yeah because it cancels out.

[00:58:13] Right yeah it doesn't matter.

[00:58:14] Just like Ronald McDonald's.

[00:58:15] Yeah right yeah.

[00:58:18] You know it'd be like if you met you know Julia Childs.

[00:58:21] You'd be like wow yeah I met Emerald Lagasse the other day he's in prison.

[00:58:29] I mean yeah but the thing is like I don't understand why he was their mascot to begin

[00:58:35] with because like he's not him just as Jared was like so odd.

[00:58:39] It was like why is this like nerdy like weird awkward man like selling sandwiches.

[00:58:45] Yeah like there's khaki pants and shit like he wasn't like an entertaining person in

[00:58:49] any way.

[00:58:50] Yeah.

[00:58:51] But the ads where he was walking down like main street whatever super progressive is

[00:58:56] what what.

[00:58:58] Here's how's up here's how subway comes back.

[00:59:00] I've been dwelling on this problem for years.

[00:59:02] Okay.

[00:59:03] I think this is the solution subway yet to replace the mascot.

[00:59:06] Yeah.

[00:59:07] For good reason because I know you know as soon as they have a new mascot people are

[00:59:11] going to say like remember the pedophile.

[00:59:14] So it's a buddy's still just trying to fly under the radar.

[00:59:17] No mascot and what they should do is you have a woman as the mascot and they're holding

[00:59:25] up a pair of man's pants and they're like I'm trans.

[00:59:30] I used to be a man and now I'm wearing a woman's dress.

[00:59:33] I've changed my gender by going to subway every day and I washed down my tall glass of hormones

[00:59:39] with a five dollar foot long the sweet onion chicken teriyaki and then people will be so

[00:59:45] pleased that subway has you know embraced.

[00:59:52] Can you take cut off you know or whatever with the surgery and being progressive that

[00:59:58] they'll completely forget about subway Jared.

[01:00:00] So that's my solution to the problem and if subway is listening which I know they are

[01:00:07] just please send it mega check payable to come town P.O. box Klondike 55 118 puree

[01:00:18] Illinois hotel.

[01:00:21] Fox trot liner go ahead and send that.

[01:00:25] All right here come the movie reviews movie previews sorry I haven't watched any movies.

[01:00:29] We got a couple of movies coming up battle of the sexes don't know what that is.

[01:00:33] Sounds gay.

[01:00:34] It's Stephen King's it that's already a movie don't know why they're releasing that Brad

[01:00:39] status that's a comedy movie with Ben Stiller Brad status yeah so it has something to do

[01:00:44] with social media go ahead and skip that one folks I thought it was like a well.

[01:00:49] Oh yeah probably and then you know what skip it anyways.

[01:00:55] Kingsman the Golden Circle I love the first Kingsman movie I will definitely get high

[01:00:59] and see the Golden Circle the first Kingsman movie was pretty tight I fucking loved it.

[01:01:03] Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

[01:01:09] That was like a perfect fun movie is the first one yeah if they fuck this one up you know

[01:01:13] make the main kid black or something it's really gonna piss me off.

[01:01:17] Mother is also playing don't know what that is school life.

[01:01:23] Come on you know.

[01:01:25] Too many movies these days yeah there is 15 other movies on the list I think mother is

[01:01:30] the Aronoski movie actually yeah it is it's scary.

[01:01:34] Did you see the trailer for it?

[01:01:35] No I don't watch trailers.

[01:01:36] It's a look at a list of movie titles.

[01:01:39] Yeah we watch trailers but what are we we're doing we're just going through the titles.

[01:01:43] Yeah I just I'd make judgements based on the titles.

[01:01:46] It is made a list of all the movies they're coming out.

[01:01:48] What's the famous expression you can't judge a book by its title.

[01:01:51] Yeah you can't judge a movie by watching.

[01:01:54] Okay it's book.

[01:01:55] It's book not the poster.

[01:01:56] You can absolutely.

[01:02:00] You can totally judge it by the title.

[01:02:02] Well that's the mother trailer had no it was just a black screen and it was just sounds

[01:02:08] for the movie.

[01:02:09] Not a single white guy in there huh.

[01:02:11] Yeah.

[01:02:12] Too much representation.

[01:02:13] Exactly.

[01:02:14] Can we just get one white guy on a completely black screen.

[01:02:17] We were mad that there were like white men in Dunkirk it's like a movie about like English.

[01:02:22] Wait who are you mad at that.

[01:02:24] That's a fucking idiot online that was like hmm not a single POC and it's like it's about

[01:02:28] the English army in like World War.

[01:02:30] Well I play Battlefield 1 a lot and they put in black soldiers is black.

[01:02:34] The main character is a black soldier.

[01:02:36] Yeah it's like I don't care.

[01:02:37] I mean it's fine.

[01:02:38] People got mad about it but what's funny about it is like you know you don't see your

[01:02:42] own character.

[01:02:43] Yeah.

[01:02:44] You just see the people you're killing.

[01:02:45] So you're running around like killing black men in like German army.

[01:02:50] Like alright I guess this is progressive sure why not.

[01:02:56] Justice man.

[01:02:57] Yeah movie previews so let's talk about it.

[01:03:00] What makes all these movies get?

[01:03:02] Is it three gays down or four?

[01:03:04] Okay battle of the sexes.

[01:03:08] What's gay about that?

[01:03:09] Yeah men lose right.

[01:03:10] There's no way that.

[01:03:11] There's no way you can say men are good in a movie these days.

[01:03:14] If are we gay shaming the clown for being a clown?

[01:03:18] Penny wise.

[01:03:19] Polish clown.

[01:03:21] Was he Jewish?

[01:03:22] Yeah that's what Penny wise about pennies.

[01:03:23] Wise about pennies.

[01:03:24] Oh no this cannot stand.

[01:03:26] How do they get fun?

[01:03:27] His name is just he's stingy.

[01:03:29] That's fucking weird.

[01:03:30] Yeah yeah that is weird.

[01:03:32] I've never seen it either.

[01:03:34] People say it's scary.

[01:03:35] Is it misery the only good Stephen King movie?

[01:03:38] He's got a couple in there.

[01:03:39] The green moon.

[01:03:40] Oh man.

[01:03:41] I haven't seen so many kids though.

[01:03:42] But like Tim Curry as the clown was like legitimately kind of creepy.

[01:03:46] There's new clowns no good.

[01:03:47] You just always piss me off when people are like oh clowns are so scary.

[01:03:50] I always like to imagine.

[01:03:51] How weird as fuck.

[01:03:52] They're weird but it was scared of a clown.

[01:03:54] I can imagine Tim Curry sitting around at home eating a box of Whitman samplers by himself

[01:04:01] and the sounds he would make.

[01:04:05] Mmm delicious.

[01:04:07] Mmm.

[01:04:08] Mmm.

[01:04:09] Yeah.

[01:04:10] That would sound weird is him just eating chocolates enjoying them.

[01:04:17] Did he have he had like a Flemmy kind of throat like kind of like a like a Alan Rickman right.

[01:04:23] Yeah.

[01:04:24] Similar.

[01:04:25] That sounds pretty.

[01:04:26] Yeah I mean my Chinese son much a lot of watch a lot of art.

[01:04:30] Much a lot of gay clown movies.

[01:04:32] Yeah my Chinese dad makes me watch gay clown movies or them.

[01:04:36] Yeah well now we've sufficiently made fun of our only Chinese fan.

[01:04:41] Well whatever.

[01:04:42] We'll get more dude.

[01:04:44] You don't think I'm still in deep with Chinatown.

[01:04:46] I'm still in all those majan rack.

[01:04:48] Yeah it's looking nice down there.

[01:04:49] I pass by some majan place and you look in.

[01:04:51] I'm out there squatting on the ground smoking cigarettes.

[01:04:54] Chinese men with 88 or sunglasses fishing vests and like those like you know US Navy retired

[01:05:00] hats on just making bets underneath the pots and pans store.

[01:05:04] Yeah.

[01:05:05] Those guys are great.

[01:05:06] I wish I could be them.

[01:05:08] Just the level of like their interest in gambling is so fucking awesome.

[01:05:12] Yeah yeah.

[01:05:13] Well folks that's the show for today.

[01:05:15] You know I'll try to do a better job on the show map next time around but.

[01:05:20] Oh this is good.

[01:05:22] This is good.

[01:05:23] So it was okay.

[01:05:24] Got some made fun of some Chinese.

[01:05:27] No you know what I'm going to have to actually write jokes for the show I think for the next

[01:05:30] couple weeks.

[01:05:31] I feel the opposite but.

[01:05:33] Okay.

[01:05:34] Yeah.

[01:05:35] Yeah well I'll I'll I should be writing things anyway it's in doing things with my life instead

[01:05:39] of just talking to a microphone.

[01:05:41] I agree.

[01:05:42] Yeah yeah.

[01:05:43] We'll make the show better.

[01:05:44] Oh sure whether one way or the other and you know what to anybody out there who thinks

[01:05:49] that I got fat it's not true.

[01:05:51] That's a rude rumor going around.

[01:05:53] I'm Jake Flores by the way if anyone didn't catch the.

[01:05:56] Hitting up.

[01:05:57] Oh yeah.

[01:05:58] Stav's dead.

[01:05:59] So I'm the fat guy now.

[01:06:01] Jake's here.

[01:06:02] He's he's a Hispanic gay man.

[01:06:05] He's a hell yeah.

[01:06:06] May he kind of a clown.

[01:06:08] Woke show.

[01:06:09] Shout outs to Chinese dads.

[01:06:11] Despacito.

[01:06:12] Despacito.

[01:06:14] Bye bye.