Cum Town | Regular | 10/05/2017
[00:00:00] so we're doing a hot start on this one we're already
[00:00:04] balls deep in today's biggest news item
[00:00:13] Tom Petty you know it's like raw dog today was it
[00:00:17] yeah today was a shit there's the shooting in Vegas and you probably think
[00:00:25] it's you know I won't politicize it why why focus on the negative
[00:00:29] happening in the world yeah sure 58 people dead 600 people total shot yeah
[00:00:36] so many that's pretty bad why don't we focus on the good news Tom Petty is dead
[00:00:41] which is not it's not good that he's dead but it's one person Tom Petty is
[00:00:46] good Tom Petty is a good thing so it sucks that he died but hey Tom Petty
[00:00:50] that's true why don't you go go give you know go get Mary Jane a listen yeah
[00:00:57] gives us a record to spin I'm not a Tom Petty fan really who are the heart
[00:01:02] breakers was that Billy Joel's band to the Joel yeah no springsteen Max from
[00:01:06] Conan no roots no West love and Max dueling drummers is that he pronounce it
[00:01:13] most love yeah what the I thought it was question mark as well question mark
[00:01:18] U.S. love Tim Allen Tim Allen's turn star trek off dude sucking is it is it
[00:01:33] distracting yeah dude yes deep yes nine yep they suck nine the Barack Obama
[00:01:41] Star Trek mmm-hmm one that the black man and they they they you know they
[00:01:46] thought it'll be a little bit further out they said you Star Trek were pretty
[00:01:49] optimistic but you're we're not gonna have a black president until the year
[00:01:52] 35 yeah yep hilly laws when when space invents a new shootier type of black
[00:02:00] people called the Klingons regular black people will be moved up the elevator of
[00:02:05] the just like the Irish yeah no that's true yeah yeah I can't watch this because
[00:02:10] I think about in their pussies and they got big ass titties I love that first of
[00:02:15] all I love that they got a little titty fucking window you'd fuck you titty fuck
[00:02:18] a Klingon woman you within the Ridge I would I would regular fuck a Klingon
[00:02:23] woman you were yeah yeah I was pretty ugly who cares you just pretend you're
[00:02:28] doing like Peace Corps work in Sri Lanka yep you think I'm a here some
[00:02:32] horrible forehead rash yeah no that's their culture oh I see yeah yeah you know
[00:02:38] what I love is remember like aliens with like weird skin I've beaten off to a
[00:02:44] couple pornos with like green and blue bitches green specifically Star Trek
[00:02:48] number Diora not beard porn remember Diora bear to have the fucking say your
[00:02:53] name no she's a green bitch in Star Trek the movie with the sexy Captain Kirk
[00:02:58] then you won the first one maybe oh no but they don't I want to watch it on I
[00:03:05] want to watch this dude she's like she's she's green but she's Mexican right no
[00:03:09] she's like a Columbia green no no that's that's always held down I always all
[00:03:14] Donna and she's a Dominican also that's another perfect green green alien I'd
[00:03:19] fuck yeah I like a hot girl wearing green makeup I don't know I like green I
[00:03:24] want to be like green you're into it I'm into it for sure I want to fuck
[00:03:28] Marge's dress yeah I want to I also want to fuck skater I want to stick I
[00:03:35] want to stick my dick down those part yeah I want to suck off the heaters is
[00:03:39] I want to stick my dick in my ass just like the top of Marge's hair oh yeah oh I
[00:03:47] had can you I bet you Homer does that shit all the time oh yeah for sure oh
[00:03:51] my stop fucking the top of my hair yep I want to get a big Marge it's like a big
[00:03:56] tube that's good you know what I made my best my favorite Photoshop I've ever
[00:04:00] made my life is nothing because you're bad Photoshop good a Photoshop
[00:04:04] I think I saw it I saw your garbage Photoshop said ground floor comedy first
[00:04:10] of all bitch and that was those are not labors of love I was for they were
[00:04:13] literal laborers you had a for you had a job not a lot and and you were so
[00:04:18] dedicated to that website I do what I do to make it make it make my
[00:04:23] pretending pretending look here's how you know a stop was not fucking around
[00:04:26] that job he didn't spend the entire time eating cinnamon toast crunch in the
[00:04:30] free kitchen I had I had like two months of that it was brutal on my head if I
[00:04:35] worked there dude they would never have checks mix and so you think this
[00:04:38] fuck is that neutral grain bars yeah your boy was snacking on those Apple
[00:04:42] cinemas like it was shit I was eating them like I was eating so much shit by
[00:04:46] like the fourth time I went there and then that the black lady worked the
[00:04:49] desk came up behind me and I'm making like gusher is cereal yes you know she's
[00:04:55] like bitch she's like do you work here yeah well also you came every time and
[00:05:00] like sweat shorts and fucking stained t-shirts and shit yeah that was the
[00:05:04] because I'm a writer because I'm a television writer so well at the time
[00:05:08] you were a part-time website writer bitch you know what that's what they said
[00:05:13] to Neil Armstrong when he was going around telling women he was an
[00:05:17] astronaut you're just an independent contract yeah right back when he was
[00:05:22] just like a jazz musician yeah one of those by planes and he kept trying to
[00:05:27] get to the moon yeah you have a biplane it's where you have sex with guys and
[00:05:31] well sounds pretty cool do you want to have sex with women I mean
[00:05:34] orientally you are by but in practicality in the air ain't the sexuality doesn't
[00:05:40] exist in the air my dude that's true that's international water so I just
[00:05:43] joined the mile gate my ass eating a hot air balloon yeah
[00:05:57] looking down over the fucking beautiful Manhattan skyline I just like
[00:06:01] love the idea of like police pulling you off a plane in the bathroom your
[00:06:05] pants are down and there's like a bewildered looking boy in the bathroom
[00:06:09] and you're like no no it's a club you don't understand it's his club I read
[00:06:14] about it because it's a guy that it yeah you couldn't fuck a woman in there
[00:06:20] you just need to fuck some space to try to get well you're out yeah you're
[00:06:25] fine with that yeah yeah if it's a space issue it's not pedophilia you just got
[00:06:30] to get that not all you ever get on a plane these days it still has ashtrays
[00:06:33] in the seats no I've had that a couple of times did for yeah dude you get
[00:06:38] fucked some old ass plane it's like this is fucked up you know some minor
[00:06:43] Kennedy's fucking date raped women on those kinds of planes oh yeah dude
[00:06:46] fucking what's an Irish minor Kennedy's would be the ultimate punk band the
[00:06:53] minor Kennedy's yeah I just watched that documentary the decline of Western
[00:06:59] civilization have you ever seen I saw I saw some of it it's really funny what
[00:07:03] it's about like the punk scene in the original like hardcore punk yeah an LA or
[00:07:09] whatever but they're all just fucking moron yeah there's it's so like yeah you
[00:07:13] know it's like the music like when it goes fast it goes not rancid yeah X is
[00:07:19] okay a minor threat I still like I never heard it was minor threat before
[00:07:24] Henry rock sucks dick Henry Rollins is a big dumb ass to you the good music is
[00:07:29] like fucking fucking a Venge 7 fold yeah then 7 fold a tray you nothing face
[00:07:35] a F8 breed CK CKY my favorite band slipknot my favorite song is that song
[00:07:44] where they where it's like he-man or something do you remember that what's
[00:07:48] that CKY did like a he-man we men he-man no I only I only remember the
[00:07:54] Skeletor the skate video 99 99 little thing whatever that fucking dude they're
[00:08:00] big song wise I don't remember dude you suck dick I fucking ain't big
[00:08:05] I was doing it so you don't have to I don't remember it it was from the video
[00:08:18] dude if it wasn't for C-CKY 2K me and my friends would not have gotten into
[00:08:24] shopping carts and thrown each other into walls and tried to make check Adam
[00:08:29] originally got in the shopping cart because he loved deals it's true it's a
[00:08:33] free shopping idea deals going in there you gotta be nice to me I love shopping
[00:08:39] my hometown oh that's my city is my beautiful hometown
[00:08:43] I got real into this Instagram star called Nick Crompton this fat British
[00:08:50] man hell yeah with like tin tin hair oh no you know he looks like a short
[00:08:56] he looks like he looks like a fucking heroin addict but still fat version of
[00:09:00] Adam Conover from Adam ruins everything oh yeah here by the way that guy already
[00:09:06] looks like shit he looks bad yeah they dress him up he's got nice hair I hope
[00:09:11] the the final episode of that show is him catching his reflection while he's
[00:09:15] making some fucking snide point then he just breaks down actually the
[00:09:22] Nielsen ratings are complete bullshit because is that what I look like get that
[00:09:30] fat guy out of my eye like this had bloated lesbian scolding me for it's
[00:09:38] it's just his show is just mythbusters yeah Adam ruins everything and
[00:09:43] ruins my freaking bone over here yeah I watch TV with a direction at all times
[00:09:49] I just go through the channels huge on on looking and then I see this guy I'm
[00:09:55] of completely killed my bona that's my favorite comment the guy who's his
[00:10:00] default penis position is completely hard yeah yeah yeah yeah this ugly bitch
[00:10:07] killed my boner it's weird when sports fans talk about like they're like when
[00:10:11] I saw that perfect completion from Derek car up to yeah I got I got a fully
[00:10:17] erect bro I don't like yeah I've blessed in my pants man sometimes you can from
[00:10:22] the sports you get sexual energy from something that's beautiful there's beauty
[00:10:26] in everything I don't know I wouldn't get boner from it I like sports a lot but
[00:10:29] you know the way that pass was completed I just immediately get
[00:10:33] direction there was a 98 rock one of the funny funny things they ever did was
[00:10:37] they had like a gay announcer yeah that sounds like classic Larry radio where
[00:10:44] they're like just a bit outside and I can see his penis something like that you
[00:10:48] know it's pretty good who's bit was it who's like interstitial like
[00:10:52] commercial I don't know who's doing it oh maybe with Schlegel I don't remember
[00:10:56] though that's not maybe Justin it sounds like Justin just got shot to Schlegel
[00:11:01] yeah I fuck with the boys he still have a show on that yeah they do the morning
[00:11:05] show yeah yeah good fuck I was gonna hang out I was in Baltimore right in
[00:11:08] fucking I was gonna holler at him but I had to go to a damn funeral and I wasn't
[00:11:13] down to just party but I wasn't Baltimore good old Magoobie's joke house
[00:11:18] worked with Domirara that guy's fucking funny shit is he's really bitter right
[00:11:23] no he's not a thing no he's just a good maybe I'm a good old Mark Marin or
[00:11:28] something I mean he's a legend he's funny he's a legend you're fucking you're
[00:11:31] bitter like me why you fuck I'm mad you're mad we're fucking mad he's a great
[00:11:36] comic yeah incredible just hilarious yeah I remember his his half hour I
[00:11:40] fucking used to watch all the time when I was little he had like an Italian
[00:11:43] restaurant background it was when the half hour sets were very like intricate
[00:11:46] yeah yeah yeah sheds out to Domirara yeah now it's like just your initials yeah
[00:11:52] in like fucking balloon word art yeah in the yeah what's the thing is like as
[00:11:59] time goes on people just get worse at things like I mean I don't feel like I've
[00:12:04] gotten any better but I see my colleagues getting half hours and it's like you
[00:12:08] don't deserve it none of us deserve this you have first of all you have gotten
[00:12:12] better no I haven't I've gotten worse I think you're still good the point is
[00:12:18] okay what you think what you think is like worse you just get used to that
[00:12:23] level and you think it sucks I'm trying to throw things away from other people
[00:12:26] is what I'm trying to do but right I get I understand that no one who got the
[00:12:30] half hour in the last I'd say 10 years deserved Anthony DeVito watch his half
[00:12:37] hour it's so he did deserve I'm friends with Anthony Anthony's a very funny guy
[00:12:41] in a great comic but doesn't deserve it take that shit away
[00:12:47] dude hit the mics give it another 10 years how about you know here's my dream
[00:12:55] casting for this year's half hour slot one Bill Burr slot two Bill Burr slot
[00:13:00] three yep that's it we're only doing three this year three no one was two hour
[00:13:06] and a half Bobby Slaton do you slaton's done yeah he's fucking done my friends
[00:13:13] uncle and aunt are huge Bobby Slaton the people of comedy man yeah and they
[00:13:17] said it's got like he plays they live in services go and they said that every
[00:13:21] year they see him they seem once a year I saw him ten years ago and it was fucking
[00:13:25] hilarious yeah yeah and then he opened a show I did at like moon tower a couple
[00:13:31] years ago and it was like horrific he's like what is it what do we got a chink
[00:13:36] here what are you a fucking chink the one is like stop wait what were you
[00:13:41] tell me that story where he walked someone and then he walked a Chinese
[00:13:43] lady this is so fun a different show this is a great story he's like what do you
[00:13:48] Mandarin can't these Mandarin you know I can't tell if you if you asleep
[00:13:53] it just Asian you know he's like yeah you fuck him with her and eventually she
[00:13:57] like the people she storms out and her fucking boyfriend has to like look
[00:14:01] quietly leaves slaton saying nothing during this like dramatic exit right
[00:14:06] destroys the energy yeah it's like 15 seconds where I flip him off and he's
[00:14:11] just you know look kind of struggling shoulders and then they leave and he
[00:14:14] picks up her chair and he sniffs the seat and he's like yeah this candies I
[00:14:20] mean that's funny shit they get you a pass for life as far as I'm concerned
[00:14:25] dude that's beautiful vicious my favorite is like how all those those old guys
[00:14:34] are like hardcore Zionist to are they yeah kind of a lot of them yeah yeah
[00:14:40] like the Larry Lewis was the old the old Jerry Lewis was fucking I mean all
[00:14:45] they're older like all the old Jews old edgy Jews are always like you say
[00:14:49] whatever the fuck you want you know do you know it's on but you feel offended as
[00:14:53] your fucking problem slatens on to the holocaust yeah yes yes yeah yes what
[00:14:59] would you think he is Italian or something yes well I guess Slaton's a
[00:15:03] stage it's a stage name yes Moscow which yeah it's a slaver
[00:15:11] they're all done yeah fucking what's the red but that's not really I mean
[00:15:16] that's just like that's how people were raised until like literally 10 years
[00:15:20] ago yeah if you were like a Jew in America you were probably told that you
[00:15:25] know Israel can do no wrong shaky green did a great bit about how the massacre
[00:15:31] at Sabrin Shatila was great he's really proud shaky greenberg huh shaky green
[00:15:37] dude I do I've never everyone says like I was like incredible and I've never
[00:15:42] everyone says he was the guy yeah I've never even heard I think he was just
[00:15:45] like a crowd like a crowd work energy guy I think that was his deal and he just
[00:15:49] would perform all the time I don't know I he was like Catskills cat right no
[00:15:53] Vegas I think like a casino guy yeah he started I don't know yeah I want to I
[00:16:00] if anyone I really am recording of shaky just now I'm very embarrassed yeah
[00:16:04] yeah that was awful yeah can we edit that edit what when I said he was a
[00:16:08] kid called the Macatsky I refer to an old person as a cat no we're leaving that
[00:16:14] in there okay all right yeah I'm never editing shit out in fact the name of the
[00:16:18] ad episode is Adam's cool new slang that's it that's a maren thing maren
[00:16:27] calls people yeah so who are these fucking cats who are these what is it a cat yeah
[00:16:34] I know did I rescue them right guys did I do cat yeah yeah you bet the ball
[00:16:43] around a little bit and then you fuck it with a slam dunk hell yeah dude oh fuck
[00:16:47] dude I'm hungry shit I biked over here I'm a damn bike boy now man yeah I love
[00:16:51] biking me and stop got bikes yeah I can't wait to just let the open road she's
[00:16:56] going to ride tomorrow let's do it just me and you well tomorrow I'm biking the
[00:16:59] therapy nice to over the Queensborough nice you know hit the upper east I did
[00:17:05] that I went I went up the William I went up the Williamsburg did you and then I
[00:17:10] bought a helmet whoa what kind of helmet you get just whatever they had the
[00:17:13] fucking bike store is it cute yeah it's got it's got Hello Kitty on it oh it's
[00:17:19] got all the ham tar oh ham tarot I fuck with ham tarot it was like 50 bucks is
[00:17:25] it one of those cool ones it's no you mean like the hockey style ones no cuz
[00:17:30] there's two different you could get like a skateboard helmet but skateboard
[00:17:33] skateboard helmets are built for like hitting your head repeatedly at low
[00:17:39] impact where they're not like bike helmets have got this one big one right
[00:17:44] they got thick dense foam and so they make like a multi sport helmet which is
[00:17:49] like the best one to get because it I mean it still looks gay they look huge
[00:17:52] they look enormous on your fucking head I really don't wear my helmet enough I
[00:17:58] have one I have a bell but you're neck and your upper body's too weak for a
[00:18:02] helmet we would actually be worse who be worse for you if you put a helmet on
[00:18:06] they're incredibly quiet you would be able to look forward at what Adam
[00:18:11] wears a helmet is a mirror a mirror that's on the road a wilting flower waving
[00:18:15] back around and find the side decide we'll have a cycling race let's take it
[00:18:20] to the peloton dude you want to talk shit about my cycling yeah peloton I don't
[00:18:25] know find a peloton set a bike it's like a the track the indoor bike track
[00:18:29] oh that's like 45 degrees you know oh yeah yeah that's pretty cool I like when I
[00:18:34] see that shit we should get into that kind of thing let's do racing yeah dude I
[00:18:37] went up you know stories got you know we got weeks you got week legs dude yeah
[00:18:41] it doesn't matter dude yes it does it's literally man's ham hocks no cuz I'm
[00:18:46] pushing the amount of weight that I'm pushing yeah you got weak legs can't
[00:18:50] do it yeah you'd be good for like you know you like those marathons for women
[00:18:55] that had breast cancer yes you can have the water cups at those yeah you have
[00:19:01] that build of like the guy that discovers exercise the oh the woman
[00:19:05] discovers exercise after menopause I'm telling you you've been on bike one day
[00:19:10] I smoked before years and I've never felt better in my life I've been getting
[00:19:17] really into speed walking yeah I'm just really into spending $80 of fucking day
[00:19:22] at Lulu Lemon on dipshit closed away with my shitty friends and we walk around
[00:19:27] them all every morning and I fucking live off vitamin supplements now I don't
[00:19:33] even eat food anymore I just and you know recently I started smoking again but
[00:19:39] these new vegan cigarettes fuck man yeah fuck old ladies try not to die
[00:19:47] fuck damn dude I'm serious if you're old fuck your ass whoa if you're an old
[00:19:55] bitch don't listen to this show I'll nick the pit bull this is a young this is a
[00:19:59] young man young man show we're the young boys out there
[00:20:06] well I'm young boy that hot boy was a hot boy I've been seeing his ass around
[00:20:16] here I'm a little hot boy that I saw a sexy ass over here I saw a woman talking
[00:20:25] like that at a diner I fucking just a nice old black lady having a conversation
[00:20:32] with a family and I just left somebody done suck that boy was all good
[00:20:37] loss somebody that boy was that boy went missing somebody done suck his dick
[00:20:43] right off you know as soon as they put his name in the paper that somebody
[00:20:47] done suck that boy dick off that boy only five years old getting his dick
[00:20:54] sucked off by some some stranger it's a triathlon where are we living in by
[00:21:00] the way I had multiple football teammates in high school tell me that
[00:21:06] old ladies fucked them old black ladies fucked them yep to teach them how to
[00:21:11] find us know like one hundred percent nine year old absolutely true it is
[00:21:15] true I don't think he was kidding dude the kid had a fucking look of horror in
[00:21:19] his eyes yeah I was kind of laughing I thought he was doing a bit because
[00:21:23] everyone was talking about the first time they fucked and and one kid like had
[00:21:28] a fucking thousand thousand miles what is it hundred miles you should say
[00:21:32] thousand islands there you back on my own you be you fucking I don't know first
[00:21:37] while you say that are you fucking like you just matter that is the bad is
[00:21:42] you cock no you just know my no now you just did it again I said that was my
[00:21:48] island I did not say you said run the date back you said thousand islands
[00:21:52] this kid's got a thousand islands tear in his eyes this poor baby this boy
[00:22:00] wait it was like the battle of numb pal's in miles
[00:22:04] thousand miles you said thousand island did not yes you did dude I had
[00:22:09] tivium and lead to not sweating you do you sweat and mayo right now I first of
[00:22:14] all ain't nothing wrong with Mayo Mayo is paleo mayo's really good ingredients
[00:22:18] you know I'm you know the whole white people be like thing like mayo's is
[00:22:23] legitimately very good stops stops a stuffed shell shocked fuck both you
[00:22:31] cock suckers my friend I won't say his name but he got fucked by an old black
[00:22:34] lady yeah as a youth yeah that's a she wrote a little black lady I say oh that's
[00:22:40] a thing I didn't say hello you need a cup you need church boy you need Jesus you
[00:22:47] don't give it a little dick now let me sit on it you don't do your time hey is
[00:22:53] that really that bad though an old lady sitting on your penis is a nine-year-old
[00:22:58] yeah yes what if she could really like cuz she's not hot yeah that's true the
[00:23:04] ultimate sexual assault is not being hot you boys said it not me ever you missed
[00:23:15] a great one yeah stop stop was trying to say thousand yard stare and he said oh
[00:23:20] yard he said he said thousand island stare I did not motherfucker fucking I
[00:23:27] did not bitch I did not first of all what even is that shit ketchup and mayo
[00:23:32] that's russian dressing I don't fuck with it I think thousand island has like
[00:23:36] little like like what do you call it's relish yeah fuck relish I'm out on
[00:23:42] relish thousand thousand island I think it's a thousand island is is like
[00:23:47] it's Russian dressing with relish in it yeah yeah that's disgusting that's
[00:23:53] island is actually you know what thousand island is good on one thing and
[00:23:56] one thing only my very special my very special cheesesteak that I make what he
[00:24:00] had he made dear meat dear meat dear meat okay niggas nappers provalon
[00:24:06] much saute much really fucking in the woods outside of the woods dude have you
[00:24:13] ever hunted Philadelphia would you ever hunted down a fucking deer with your
[00:24:18] bare hands no never I've never done would you kill an animal probably not I
[00:24:24] don't think I would either but I would love to eat a fresh ass pig killing
[00:24:28] animal yeah I did certain animals that are okay to kill I think bore is a
[00:24:32] poor that would be tight Texas will pay to kill boards and they're really ambitious
[00:24:36] and ugly and let's go to Austin I'm gonna show and then fucking a raga goddamn
[00:24:41] let's just murder police officers let's go that's what I'm saying members of
[00:24:45] Congress and cops are there are there bad ass Adam calling for violence yeah
[00:24:49] he would never do it Adam I'm just saying it's more productive yeah you and
[00:24:54] Jake can start a punching coalition I'm saying it's not productive to punch
[00:24:59] street Nazis yeah speaking of I can't get over I saw that there's a fat guy
[00:25:05] riding around the New York subway with a Nazi necklace on that was all I posted
[00:25:11] on social media and a couple people like link to me to a New York post story
[00:25:15] they're like yeah you stole you get somebody else already saw this it's like
[00:25:18] oh yeah I'm sorry I stole it I didn't I didn't see that before the news did
[00:25:23] yeah yeah this actual guy that was that guy did they say on the new story
[00:25:29] no nobody that well the and near post interviewed the get some guy who took
[00:25:33] a picture of him and the guys being a complete dork about it where he's like
[00:25:36] I was just so disgusted when I saw it I mean New Yorkers need to be worn that
[00:25:42] this is who's out there it's like you you have a better chance of being
[00:25:46] pushed on to the tracks by an insane person but you do seeing a Nazis I mean
[00:25:51] it's not chill to have open fucking swastika's swastika guys it's chill I
[00:25:57] think guys being chill I don't care I mean it's his first amendment right to do
[00:26:01] that and it's my first minute right to take pictures of him make fun of him
[00:26:04] for being a fat piece of shit yeah you did break your rule Nick yeah because
[00:26:09] he's going around with a fucking swastika is not because he's a Nazi I mean
[00:26:13] there's a certain level you can get to make is very principled typically about
[00:26:17] taking pictures of strangers I don't do it unless you're not you shouldn't do
[00:26:21] it but I mean if you're gonna make a bold statement like that it's because you
[00:26:24] want people to see it or oh so you're trying to help him or he's trying to
[00:26:27] get some he is also I'll make it clear I have not criticized him in any way other
[00:26:34] than to body shame him which is my real point of contention is that he's in bad
[00:26:38] shape it's really funny when when you saw that I was on the train and I saw my
[00:26:43] second homeless guy since I've moved to New York wearing an Israel Defense
[00:26:48] forces t-shirt yeah I used to try to swipe in my cock I I had an IDF shirt you
[00:26:56] just have a salvation army yeah yeah I'm sure he's a bunch of shirts it was like
[00:27:01] like shit like that and then a lot of like that's the show everyone get a
[00:27:06] couple Jefferson six flags family reunion there are those are awesome those
[00:27:11] are the best big black family reunion you go to six flags it's got like
[00:27:15] everybody gets a t-shirt it's got clip art of a grill yeah you know like a
[00:27:19] grill in a spatula right a tree but then each branch is holding a basketball
[00:27:24] yeah oh some Vegas news I text you guys this but yesterday before the the
[00:27:32] terrible attack my parents were in the car on the way to Costco my dad called
[00:27:38] me frantically and he saw mr. Renthal James Simson are you sure it was walking
[00:27:43] around the neighborhood I heard my man is still in a white he literally has a
[00:27:46] white SUV no she's a little he's in a now that it's it's a dark SUV now he
[00:27:52] learned his lesson yeah do by the way I would honestly when I woke up this morning
[00:27:57] at six and like saw the New York Times alert that my first thought was like oh
[00:28:01] god damn yo what if oh jay oh jay that we did everyone up oh jay spit out for
[00:28:06] 24 hours went to a fucking NFL memorabilia of convention straight from the fence
[00:28:12] straight for the fence of the Mandalay Bay the guys that sent him to prison he
[00:28:16] was gonna get his fucking revenge what if what if Stephen padlock was set up by
[00:28:21] OJ hmm honestly I'm not I'm not like Alex Jones false oh by the way guys fuck
[00:28:28] so calm down I don't care what it is just settle down I'm sort of interesting
[00:28:35] you could say it I just just so someone some lady like resistance grandma lady
[00:28:43] tweeted a tweet today I was like oh shooting at country Jason Aldean
[00:28:48] country concert hopefully it was all Trump Tards that died or something and
[00:28:54] then like a group of mentally retarded Trump supporters killed today and then
[00:28:59] like the group which weren't actually allowed to vote because of weird laws
[00:29:03] restricting retarded people in Vegas yeah are retired some times it's an
[00:29:10] issue because it's the same degree that sometimes are allowed to give consent
[00:29:13] like if you're oh I see why you were researching this yeah like Terry
[00:29:18] shy vote Terry shy vote isn't allowed to vote she should have been allowed to
[00:29:21] but you know they're gonna kill her they should let her vote a guy with
[00:29:24] downs syndrome is allowed to vote yeah you know because you know wait are you
[00:29:28] talking about like when they do like which flavor new lays you want in 1997
[00:29:33] when they replaced the tan Eminem with the blue or the yellow one yeah
[00:29:43] her name is red solar peanut butter take that yeah BB votes
[00:29:56] Trump guy yeah he was Obama before oh really yeah okay guys voting for now
[00:30:02] he's against Trump I was told I can't like Trump anymore so here's a can
[00:30:07] crash for Isis you can't like Isis who see Daisy
[00:30:15] what's okay I gotta go to sleep my brain really hurts he's just he does that
[00:30:21] sometimes only by signing off now my bad arts yeah yeah he like I don't know
[00:30:28] he just lives in bus is in constant pain he is like neuro fiber metosis his
[00:30:33] body just grows all these fucked up tumors like inside and that's poor BB
[00:30:39] lacerville yeah lacerville California the Kings Sacramento King I saw a new
[00:30:46] bus today he loves buses you have a vine that was like him walking along the
[00:30:53] side of the road and there's a sign that said do not enter for like a side road
[00:30:58] and he's like oh well and then you walked past it like yeah it's cool that's a
[00:31:03] good video that's a joke you would come up with Adam well I would steal it from
[00:31:17] a lot easier to see the candy from them okay so some lady that's actually the
[00:31:22] hardest some lady tweeted that hopefully all the trump tarts died or
[00:31:29] right right right and then like all these like MAGA drain the swamp Alex Jones
[00:31:33] info worst people were like I cannot believe this and they were like
[00:31:36] screenshotting her and they're like we're gonna find out where you work we're
[00:31:40] gonna get you fired and then so she deleted her Twitter account and then I
[00:31:44] guess someone that listens to come town restarted her her at and like put that
[00:31:49] picked that ugly picture of me that I post all the normal picture of you that
[00:31:53] you the most flattering picture you ever seen a picture of you that looks like
[00:31:56] you normally what you look like really right now normal picture of you I'm a
[00:32:01] pretty hands now the ugly picture I post a lot of intentionally oh yeah yeah
[00:32:09] that's all it takes is a little bit of ribbing is insecurity shine sir
[00:32:13] actually I'm handsome actually you're out there you criticize me anyway so the
[00:32:20] best you senior portrait so I posted it with someone posted the greatest
[00:32:24] picture of me everything and then just tweeted go listen to come town and
[00:32:30] then all these MAGA screen shot at it and they were commenting like I can't
[00:32:35] tell if that's a he or a she there like and they're right to say that they're
[00:32:41] like looks like a pedophile some basement dwelling also correct for too
[00:32:45] so far I don't live in a basement so I guess what we learned today is that
[00:32:49] Trump supporters are pretty smart anyway what happened so they they
[00:32:54] screen-capped it and you yeah did it make the round like what you're very excited
[00:33:01] and then some lady in like the Midwest somewhere right DM's me today and she's
[00:33:05] like I just want you to know that your face has been circulated on Alex Jones
[00:33:09] info wars and like you should be ready for abuse she's like I don't know if you
[00:33:14] this was a joke you were making or if you were trying to scare people but like
[00:33:18] they've targeted you it's like what's like fucking hashtag the resistance like
[00:33:24] 65 year old woman it was like DMing me fuck yeah dude let's get Alex Jones on the
[00:33:29] show I would different love that yeah yeah so we share the same birth I also
[00:33:34] think I Adam is gay I have I have documents here that prove that Adam is a
[00:33:39] homosexual I'm not fucking lying dude I gotta print it out right fucking now I
[00:33:46] mean goddamn I don't mean to curse but fuck dude I would love that same
[00:33:52] birthday Aquarius yeah February 11 Alex Jones we have a joint birthday party
[00:33:57] you should that's cool Aquarius what is that water dude you like a salad
[00:34:02] dresser no yeah I like to get wet you like to get wet I smoke shurm I'm more
[00:34:07] like a query us we're gonna take a break and then be right back hello everybody
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[00:34:18] wearing right now take it off throw it in the trash I got a suggestion for you
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[00:34:43] you don't have to deal with the embarrassment of going to the underwear
[00:34:45] store even know where that is you know they got they got suit stores they don't
[00:34:50] have underwear stores you ever notice that huh pretty weird I went online I
[00:34:56] bought some some stuff on their website is real simple works as well as Amazon
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[00:35:46] them out thanks guys candy season is coming up that's right bitch we're
[00:35:52] excited about it Halloween to some I'm not excited I'm scared yeah boo I'm
[00:35:58] scared I'm getting weight you know I mean how much weight could you possibly
[00:36:02] gain I could gain a lot bro I'm a 260 right now yeah I've waited as much as
[00:36:06] 320 in my life I can't wait to you're one of those one of those bedroom guys
[00:36:11] you wait 60 pounds more than I am right now dude first of all I appreciate the
[00:36:15] way you said this I'm gonna I'm gonna break I'm gonna start you know I'm gonna
[00:36:18] do I'm gonna start carrying you up and down the stairs every day and then
[00:36:22] you train no like Paul Bunyan with his ox I don't want that I remember the
[00:36:27] wrestling team in high school used to give each other piggybacks and run
[00:36:30] laps I was like you were so jealous I was the wrestling team so I wish
[00:36:35] somebody would be like me like that yeah I wish I could be wrestled with no I
[00:36:39] thought that sorry the seventh grade girls wrestling team doesn't have any
[00:36:44] more I'm sorry the JV dick sucky girls next night
[00:36:50] not even wrestling that's sucking yeah now you were on the different sport you
[00:36:55] were on the the special education at Tashay schools girls infants
[00:37:03] dude I was I was they put they put a very tiny little dick on a T on a T
[00:37:09] ball T and then you walk up and they have to hold your shoulders stupid
[00:37:14] bobbly head kid I was very and then they go there you go good eye good eye and
[00:37:21] then you simply place your head on the tiny dick I was varsity MMA dude no I
[00:37:26] was too good for the hard to varsity karate yeah I was too good for high school
[00:37:30] they had me go into prisons because I was too powerful yeah bro you're looking
[00:37:35] at varsity damn football you're you're the guy they send into a present in
[00:37:39] school during a riot dude the prison technique the prison is rioting and they
[00:37:43] said we demand the most satisfactory delicious rape well no
[00:37:50] they send me in there like his ass is like a fucking memory foam pillow no no
[00:37:58] sink right into it like like a beauty refs no when they're race riots at the
[00:38:03] prison they send me in they're like they got my big my sleep number is Jewish
[00:38:08] they need someone that that the nation of Islam the area and brotherhood that
[00:38:16] the Latin Kings will all equally hate the same amount bring peace to the prisons
[00:38:20] good that is the nice fun riffs we were about to do for that one yeah go ahead
[00:38:25] the momentum going to your riffs it's over now it's gonna say they dangle you
[00:38:29] down like with a pulley and a fucking crowded thing and everyone I felt like
[00:38:33] we're going something there with his mattress ass yeah exactly the mattress
[00:38:37] why sleep number bed is Jewish was good I was gonna say something about fuck
[00:38:39] number I don't know what it doesn't matter anymore man okay first of all
[00:38:44] you're not supposed to get in I was trying to I was trying to make these
[00:38:48] jokes are not for you I was trying to make fun of me with you so I can feel
[00:38:53] part I'm sorry I get really bored of making fun of you all the time yeah and
[00:38:57] then some like this happens and it's just it's just it's just such an easy
[00:39:03] street to walk down no it's fine when I feel like you know it's like in my old
[00:39:08] drinking days when I'm like I gotta stop drinking and then I have one beer
[00:39:11] like no I feel so yeah well I gotta stop drinking and then I start driving I'm
[00:39:16] like that all right and then you're like let me check the mail real quick the
[00:39:22] mailbox that you just fucking ran into yeah sitting in your passenger seat
[00:39:32] how many mailboxes you take down would you say mailboxes none really the only
[00:39:38] the only things I ever really hit fruit carts were very very helpless fruit
[00:39:44] I would I would clip so many fucking news but you know what I would do that
[00:39:48] shit sober all the time to okay and when I did it when I did a drunk I would
[00:39:52] feel terrible about it and then when I did it sober it's like fuck you asshole
[00:39:56] you live in a city yeah it's cool it's cost to a business fold your window
[00:39:59] my bitch told your mirror in when we're truck I'm busy driving that's right
[00:40:05] don't say I gotta go to open Mike I gotta go to open Mike in pajamas that
[00:40:11] was the area that you were in right yeah no I mean I I continued wearing
[00:40:15] pajama pants for a long time you know Adam so you know Adam so cool and Nate
[00:40:20] Nate for it yes yeah so when I moved to New York I met them years ago in Detroit
[00:40:28] for a festival oh yes the one where you met at the comedy console the one where
[00:40:32] you met fucking what's his face Dave cool yes yes so I met them like probably
[00:40:37] now like eight years ago Wow yeah fuck yeah like 2009 so and they were
[00:40:43] pajama pants guys no I was and I was fucking loaded that whole week and Adam
[00:40:50] one time was like hey whatever whatever happened to that friend of yours that
[00:40:55] drunk guy with the pajama that I was like that was me he was like no with it
[00:41:03] there was like another guy he just didn't realize that I was like I was at
[00:41:09] the same guy yeah he's met me one night in open Mike when I was wearing
[00:41:13] pajama pants and that's a compliment and then he saw me again like at the
[00:41:17] club when I was sober to like just doing a normal right right right that means
[00:41:20] you've grown you should celebrate that I'm not celebrating anything see that's
[00:41:26] the thing is I'm celebrating why you and your people they got too many goddamn
[00:41:29] holidays you would tell what did you atone for what did I tone for I tone for
[00:41:35] stealing that joke of WAM cities that's good I asked God for forgiveness what
[00:41:41] was that Yom Kippur yeah Yom Kippur I didn't I didn't fast no yeah when Adam
[00:41:46] does this more like bomb kippur yeah you got a terrible sad funny mom
[00:41:53] said that's why we stop recording them is because we why don't we keep recording
[00:42:02] them you want a real reason yes and I guess I probably should say it's a
[00:42:06] people because they think I feel like some of the premium subscribers may feel
[00:42:10] like they got cheated because they stopped releasing yes but the acoustics
[00:42:15] were kind of fucked up on some of them and it would sound like comics were
[00:42:17] bombing right and sometimes people just genuinely didn't have the best set that
[00:42:22] they could have yeah and I always like did it where anyone could ask me to pull
[00:42:25] their set and I would but I talked to Lewis about it and or a couple of other
[00:42:29] people and like the input was generally like you don't want to put people in a
[00:42:33] position where right where they have to ask we should just do the beginning
[00:42:37] but then also also you don't want to do the thing where it's like somebody
[00:42:41] thinks they did well and you just edit out their set and they're like what was
[00:42:44] that for you're like oh you sucked it right right right so it's like no but
[00:42:49] I'm saying why don't we just do the beginning riff all right I guess we could
[00:42:52] do that because a lot of times I repeat jokes from the previous show who cares
[00:42:56] that's my issue is that it just sucks that we have to have new material every
[00:43:02] two weeks yeah welcome to being a fucking it's being a comic it's not being a
[00:43:05] comic yeah it is to have new ten minutes are only I just do a new five minutes
[00:43:10] every fucking week at the side bar like that's a lot that's a lot of shit and I
[00:43:15] was murdering I was crying you were doing well oh great and you were yeah half
[00:43:19] time you're doing well I use the power of your drug shit and then the power was
[00:43:23] going on let's be honest guys a new 10 minutes every two weeks is a lot of
[00:43:30] course but you have fun it's not for me no you do granted I haven't written a
[00:43:34] joke in two years six months dude I did say I did good set I kind of
[00:43:39] said I covered all the topical stories you did except I actually did bits about
[00:43:43] them I didn't say it just going Trump fuck like don't disparage me don't
[00:43:50] disparage my despair the act I want to spare the act I won't despair I won't
[00:43:53] despair some things are sacred it's just the act yeah I wish I had a sacred
[00:43:58] talisman you know like some old little Chinese piece of wood that I wore around
[00:44:04] my neck you can get one people ask me about it I'm like yeah it's an ancient
[00:44:09] Chinese things to don't fuck it's glowing maybe like you know it's got a
[00:44:13] little shape on it yeah maybe like like two S's interlocking yeah yeah yeah I
[00:44:18] just wear it around the train yep you know that'd be cool there's four other
[00:44:22] guys you put them together you guys get super powers and shit I just I love the
[00:44:26] like the New York Post wrote an article about that guy and they didn't nobody
[00:44:29] asked him because I guarantee you if you talk to that guy you're like why are
[00:44:32] you wearing a swastika he's like oh my god ice cream place
[00:44:43] fucking it's fucking New York it's filled with insane people you're right I
[00:44:47] really doubt that that's like an actual Nazi I don't know man it could be I mean
[00:44:52] we're living about that that's talking about that punk rock documentary was
[00:44:56] that like it was some of them were not got queer so like they were like I got
[00:45:02] raped at ice cream place secret any game either necklace secret
[00:45:09] yeah tell me don't tell me about getting raped ice cream please
[00:45:15] that me raping you is our secret wing and if you're mad about the the
[00:45:27] horrific bit we just remember it's about a Nazi if it's a retarded Nazi you can
[00:45:36] make fun of them right he deserves to be punched well who said the let me and
[00:45:41] say he just talks funny yeah we didn't say you know oh he's just wacky Nazi
[00:45:46] yeah who got raped at an ice cream car oh oh we get what my point there was that
[00:45:50] he was a guy with the silly voice who loves ice cream
[00:45:54] that he's intellectually earlier also when we did another thing I don't remember
[00:45:58] exactly what it was this is they had silly voices yeah I think stealing candy
[00:46:02] from them guys we're gonna have a little poll here what's more embarrassing
[00:46:08] pull thousand where we talking about Adams dick yeah thousand island stare or
[00:46:15] Adam calling people cats sincerely what's more it was accidental this
[00:46:21] accidental but sincere I called check you care a cat a cat skills cat that's
[00:46:27] really embarrassing yeah I'm gonna vote for it wasn't even the cat that wasn't
[00:46:32] slang then it was 20 years after people yeah this was like three cats stop does
[00:46:38] comedy at the fat skills yeah thanks I do have skills yeah cutting the buffet
[00:46:46] long that's one of the fat skills having a knack for knowing when they're gonna
[00:46:52] do the fresh general so yeah yeah stop stop stop is a bush belt comic it goes
[00:46:59] up there and he's like I the bush belt and I thought boy she belt that's his big
[00:47:06] joke that would kill in the 40s yeah I would have done great back then here's
[00:47:12] here's me is a bush belt comic but today mm-hmm today's news event but you
[00:47:18] there we go let's go to you I hear about this thing on Las Vegas 600 people shot
[00:47:24] oh craps folks oh that's what I'm thinking is craps you know you hear the story
[00:47:35] about a mass shooting and you say I hope it's a blackjack instead of a white guy
[00:47:41] fingers crossed the real kind of terrorism
[00:47:51] bull bull yourself your piece of shit fuck you fuck you come up here and
[00:48:02] entertain you fucking pieces of shit you should be bulldozed make way for a
[00:48:09] ski resort another thing I noticed rewatching surprise recently is whenever
[00:48:14] they hire a comic to play the Bing they always bomb like when do they
[00:48:20] like two or three times they hire a comic and then they're like and then they
[00:48:23] bring on the strippers afterwards everyone just starts losing it yeah like
[00:48:27] yeah they're like try that Lewis and Dave brought me to Detroit to do a strip
[00:48:30] club I did a mic at a straight like what you do what you do 25 amico amico went
[00:48:36] up did 10 and like didn't do well but it's no was listed club yeah it's also
[00:48:43] like amico is not a host it's not right right right right I don't know if you
[00:48:47] see to stand up and yeah longer stuff it's not really suited for hosting or
[00:48:51] whatever especially something like that you gotta get in their faces and I
[00:48:54] want to I can't remember if I like had already done below no I hadn't so yeah
[00:49:00] but I have been driving for like 11 hours or whatever so I go up oh yeah and
[00:49:04] I'm like all right I got it dude the road yeah this is my fucking wheelhouse
[00:49:09] bitch worst that I've ever had and you know what I was riff I was bombing but
[00:49:14] riffing and I had like fun riffs I remember in my head they're fun now
[00:49:18] remembering one of them talking about how yeah hit with it does the logo on an
[00:49:26] outhouse is the same as the muzzle flag they check that for the crazy dude
[00:49:34] why is it you know that's the toilet take that Turk yeah you fucking Turks
[00:49:38] dude that's already the toilet symbol fellas that's you think they were mad
[00:49:42] about that that's that is a good one man that's an okay bit I forget what I did
[00:49:47] I think it was more clever than that yeah yeah well come on Detroit strip club
[00:49:52] Legion of Skank's pants the trifecta dude the holy trinity of perfect comedy
[00:50:01] yeah call the strippers the N word oh yeah yeah no that fucking show was great
[00:50:07] dude that was such a bad show then we did like then we did a live podcast
[00:50:12] afterwards so it's like the same people that watch you if you fucking hated
[00:50:17] this them prepared material you're gonna fucking love the off the cuff with this
[00:50:24] coat doubt riffs of a guy that's running on two hours of sleep and a bunch of
[00:50:30] like you know the most expensive menu items and sheets yeah oh what did you
[00:50:35] guess what do you mean we're the strip we fucking good were they friend did you
[00:50:40] become friends with the strippers and then they give me were they hot you
[00:50:45] mean you have sex like for the free because they like your personality they
[00:50:50] watch the show I don't know I fucking maybe you can't tell if it's
[00:50:54] trippers nice to you it's like this is lecherous you love saying letters what
[00:50:58] is your like this is like moralist when it comes to sex well you know any
[00:51:04] expression of public horniness to Nick is just yeah cuz he's a fucking
[00:51:08] morally like a robot that's right the man's a robot which you have fucked in
[00:51:13] strange circumstances for a robot I can't think is like yeah but you know who
[00:51:18] else has your boss the flashlight so that's true that's a good point you see
[00:51:23] your you're a fleshlet he's a machine he gets fucked by men but men not inside
[00:51:28] of Nick cool they hold him by the waist and fuck you know how analogies
[00:51:34] work yeah huh yes we do bitch no we don't I said like or ass it's a metaphor you
[00:51:40] fucking retard yeah but you're literally say no it's not yeah huh like our eyes
[00:51:45] is that a sex book simile my do you type of metaphor no no no yeah it is you're
[00:51:50] right but it's a symbol like our ass simile just saying you're the thing that's
[00:51:55] a metaphor yeah but we're talking about sex I'm like I'm I was letting you what
[00:51:59] I mean was you're a sit sit in the lead about that's good that I look man
[00:52:03] that's good cinnamon Lee cinema Lee cinema Bon voyage cinema here I go that's
[00:52:09] gone and I'm stuck in this world mm-hmm and the mike Lawrence what what what
[00:52:16] pun can I make out of this world he was having a meltdown about Trump today on
[00:52:22] Twitter on Instagram oh really yeah hey man people get got by that shit I don't
[00:52:30] know man I thought I like Mike but I don't know why comics just just be dumb
[00:52:36] just like let yourself be a dumb person stop that's my whole shit baby I will
[00:52:41] never try and be smart yeah me either until I'm older maybe I'll try to
[00:52:45] intimidate people mm-hmm because that's part of my pal my charm yeah oh yeah it's
[00:52:50] charming like a dark magician yes you know the most charming guys in the world
[00:52:55] you want to be dark magicians Adam's upset I'm just like having a temper tantrum
[00:53:02] because you let your is no I'm not upset dude the truth is Nick does not know how
[00:53:08] to be horny he doesn't understand it Nick is like a fucking he's horny in his own
[00:53:13] little lock in whirly what huh where you could just be like I'm horny sometimes
[00:53:17] that's I'm horny I was 24 sevies I got the time is like performatively horny
[00:53:23] you guys are polar opposites and you're fucking corny yeah you're trying to
[00:53:29] possess yourself as the fucking middle ground huh I'm a fucking centrist you're
[00:53:33] a horny centrist bitch you're the Hillary Clinton being horny I'm Bernie and Nick
[00:53:38] is fucking horny Trump and you're fucking Hillary dude the worst one dude yeah
[00:53:42] bitch dude you had fucking slaves yeah actually you did have sex slaves
[00:53:51] this analogy really works I paid for a fucking Robin you paid for a human being
[00:54:00] you know exactly what I'm saying I got a problem I love you stop getting
[00:54:06] trolls yeah I had a couple of people make sweaters for me in a field big deal
[00:54:14] oh shit I'm getting oh yeah so I fucking invested a little bit in the
[00:54:20] shack so I could have some nice linens hey you know who's a fucked up guy Eli
[00:54:24] Whitney dude invent the cotton Jim there's some guys there's some guy some
[00:54:28] women slavers about to end problem some guys some you think I'm gonna
[00:54:31] imagine it's the Eli from the world star hip-hop video yeah yeah yeah
[00:54:34] rap Eli the rapper's a fucking forget you man I'm gonna invent the cotton Jim
[00:54:42] I'm like Rosie your time sexual what is this that's Eli Whitney that was one of
[00:54:56] the first Vibs you know I don't know if I am I a head Eli Whitney's always been
[00:55:02] a black guy just cuz it seems like it's not it's a white guy but it's like it
[00:55:06] seems like that would be the guy to invent the cotton Jim would be a black
[00:55:10] guy that's like guess who just got us to summer off right the original tech
[00:55:24] he disrupted the the black rot rally oh fuck I just watched the black bike
[00:55:33] you back in yeah no there's a good there's a weird static noise oh fuck
[00:55:37] deep Bensyska what he's not commenting on the TV look at the way he kisses his
[00:55:44] son oh dude he kissed him tenderly we're watching deep space nine yeah oh my
[00:55:50] dad I hung out James James or as your father every every brook like every
[00:55:54] Brooks is fucking insane dude whose name it works him I watch some some like
[00:56:02] special it was like captains on captains I forget what it is it's like
[00:56:05] that all the people who played Star Trek captains talking about fucking
[00:56:08] each other yeah fucking each other and he's he's the gayest of all he's fucking
[00:56:14] nuts dude I believe it dude yeah was that funeral sad not good yeah he said damn
[00:56:23] I thought it's gonna be sick no it was not chill and it made me really sad I
[00:56:27] love I love all the dumbasses are like dude my funeral they're gonna like fuck
[00:56:32] it's who's the comic they had that bit I had that bit no but there was Jim
[00:56:38] Jim Brewer you know Jim Brewer like Pablo Francisco they do this oh I see you know
[00:56:42] my fucking body down like you know lasers or whatever a bunch of idiots I
[00:56:47] knew they were like my view really gonna like fucking put my ashes and fireworks
[00:56:52] and it's like all those guys that's what overdose 19 years old yeah only your
[00:56:57] families at the funeral it's a fucking horrific event it's a there's nothing
[00:57:01] fun about it said but also not that said and that's kind of it's your mom not
[00:57:07] even being able to work up tears because she was so tired of dealing with your
[00:57:10] call in addiction yeah it's gonna be there's gonna be a fucking band playing
[00:57:18] yeah Y oh yeah it's gonna be there cuz I'm gonna die in a jackass everyone
[00:57:22] heard about how Hunter s Thompson they shot his shit up into fireworks
[00:57:27] that's pretty cool dude I do drugs just like him dude and we're both really good
[00:57:31] writers so that's probably how I'm gonna go out there was some for both equally as
[00:57:35] talented my favorite my favorite thought catalog guys were they're like HST you
[00:57:40] know I love like I'm on mexcalan right now and I'm a mix and Oliver something I
[00:57:45] can't remember yeah it's like I'm writing this from a bathroom right now I'm
[00:57:48] homeless you know it's like oh just go get a job yeah stop fucking blogging on
[00:57:54] thought catalog from the McDonald's bathroom like it's only way to make the
[00:57:59] font typewriter font on thought catalog um yeah so we just want this to be a
[00:58:05] little cooler yeah I hung out with my family though dude there's fucking the
[00:58:13] our house is in shambles there's squirrels living in the fucking roof the
[00:58:18] shingles they're just like squirrels in like the little porch they've made a
[00:58:22] nest there and my dad's like ah it's fine like you're fucking the hole no the
[00:58:28] hole is still there my father is holding us ran as little as a contractor I know
[00:58:33] I first of all I have to pay for the materials and he's like I'll do it if
[00:58:38] you help me it's like okay I'll drive down from you your buff brother that
[00:58:43] we're all gonna have to come this is the only way he gets any father son
[00:58:46] that's his house I know but it's like my my the rest of my family has to live
[00:58:52] there he he is fine living with a fucking hole in the roof I would be too
[00:58:56] you would love the fucking you would love the fuck is it in your old bedroom
[00:59:01] the whole no it's in the fucking living room he's in the middle the center of the
[00:59:05] home and every time it rains we have to put pots and pans down dude my mom loves
[00:59:11] it amber yeah he's in the hole yeah so I have to fucking go down I'm doing the
[00:59:17] DC lounge on the October 20th I think and so I'm just have to go stay an
[00:59:23] extra day in Baltimore and help my father one day job yeah I think it's a
[00:59:28] one-day job yeah you just put a piece of plywood fucking nail it in the wall
[00:59:32] that's it put some roof shingles I mean I'm imagining you know like you oh yeah
[00:59:38] like smashing through the wall and that's not the wall it's the ceiling oh it's
[00:59:44] a ceiling it's the roof ceiling and it's so no there's two separate holes I'm
[00:59:47] sorry I didn't clarify we just get there's a squirrel hole that's in the front
[00:59:52] porch leading to the fucking city and then there's a hole above the fucking
[00:59:58] living room that rain comes into and by the way the bath the downstairs bathroom
[01:00:03] is covered in mold and shit and they stripped all the fucking tiles and shit
[01:00:07] off it looks like a fucking my home looks like the best home in Syria right now
[01:00:11] it's fucking brutal dude what's the best yeah so yeah I have to go a sad house
[01:00:17] the best house in Syria yeah probably has a lot nicer yeah that's true that's true
[01:00:21] the lion dude well so it's not even the nicest you're it sounds like it's just a
[01:00:25] shitty house for any situation yeah it's a shitty house yeah but my father just
[01:00:31] hasn't and also he sleeps in the living room he looks at it every day yeah he
[01:00:35] sounds like a real piece of shit yeah he's a fucking idiot but yeah is the bird
[01:00:39] grandpa his dad oh yes of course of course he's become a cat guy like my
[01:00:44] grandfather was a was a bird guy my father just has like nine stray cats
[01:00:49] around his fucking and the motherfuckers covered in fleas like the dirty kid
[01:00:53] from the peanuts yeah like pig pen I swear to god dude there's fleas on all
[01:00:58] his shit he brings fleas at a home please my father has fleas I don't know
[01:01:05] Adam and your dad hung out yeah it's weird Adam was good friends with your
[01:01:14] dad it's been literally lived on your dad some people are fucking obsessed with
[01:01:20] that bug thing with what the bug thing it's because it's the truth it's the
[01:01:24] truth works out there on the internet they're like bug bug just like 20 times
[01:01:29] maybe don't do spares well yeah it sounds like you're definitely not mad
[01:01:32] about it yeah you gotta stop getting told man
[01:01:36] it sounds like you're not mad about it all no probably stop now that you
[01:01:41] now that you reiterated after it had mostly died down no I think it's really
[01:01:48] cool I think and I think that they're really cool to do that thing that I
[01:01:52] said they were gonna do and then just fuck do it over and over oh nice times
[01:01:58] a day oh fuck you're just a good shit you know the problem with biking here is
[01:02:04] I have to bike home I'll bike with you could take it on the train come to
[01:02:08] story baby I'll fucking bike through a story and sleep on your couch I don't
[01:02:11] give a shit oh yeah come through I'm going therapy 10 in the morning tomorrow
[01:02:16] so I have to leave it nine I'm not gonna sleep tonight I've had a rough
[01:02:19] couple of days what's wrong babe well you know I went to I went to the shore
[01:02:23] and I saw my grandparents oh fuck yeah we even talked about yours well I
[01:02:26] just didn't want I was not like let's talk about my dying grandparents well
[01:02:29] yeah I mean I just talk about the squirrel hole in my room that's funny
[01:02:32] I don't know why should my grandfather fall down the stairs fucking bruises
[01:02:36] ribs is like not it is it's funny if you put it to like a what what what what
[01:02:42] well you slipped on a bunch of calm yeah it's like a Benny Hill so yeah
[01:02:47] but many hell shit whoop yeah that sucks a hot ladies top fell off when he
[01:02:53] tumbled down the stairs oh yeah yeah it was cool though we won't we all went
[01:02:57] to dinner and that's nice they're too old to finish their meals now so I ate
[01:03:02] everyone's dinner oh that's nice what do they have calories salmon nice check
[01:03:10] and some kind of like I don't know I don't remember what cut of meat it was
[01:03:15] but it was like a like a like a like a kind of beef medallion with bacon I don't
[01:03:22] fuck with medallions dude I need that fatty shit yeah I've even it's wrapped
[01:03:26] in bacon I like medallions is on a necklace on a man riding this up
[01:03:31] oh I that's another thing I happen about my relapse heavy I was so
[01:03:37] stressed out with my family in the field I was eating like a fucking savage
[01:03:41] dude yeah I was having free Magoobies meals every night that oh I hit a fucking
[01:03:46] I did the sad shit that I used to do when I was fucking depressed the shit I
[01:03:50] just I ate at Magoobies for free had a big-ass fried food ass meal and then I
[01:03:56] went home and just hit the fucking McDonald's by the travel plaza just
[01:04:00] fucking popped a 20 I was a 10 piece I wasn't that bad and a McFlurry mmm
[01:04:08] Oreo you had like what two days with that bike and you're like this is
[01:04:13] justified no I didn't even read him strong used to order just the whole side
[01:04:17] of the menu because he was biking so much oh really I think I you know I am
[01:04:22] bike point out I think I'm gonna get my nut chopped off to be aerodynamic like
[01:04:25] Lance did yeah dude we all had I was watching a video this is sort of related
[01:04:31] to Lance Armstrong and getting your genitals cut off but there's the New
[01:04:35] Zealand weightlifting association they have a trans woman so F2M or M2F M2F
[01:04:44] that's prior to transitioning they were already competing in men's weight
[01:04:49] lifting oh shit and they were in their mid 30s and they were like a shitty
[01:04:52] men's weight lifter oh and now the best of all time yeah yeah and it's like you
[01:04:58] see them on the platform and I guess New Zealand's like a particularly
[01:05:02] progressive country read G.A.Y. and that so they like it's like it was like you
[01:05:10] know in the video just everyone's like yeah we're so happy for her you know this
[01:05:15] is great right right right you know doing what she wants to do
[01:05:21] oh boy yeah that's a tough one she's throwing the white up yeah yes oh yeah
[01:05:27] guys yes and nobody's surprised that she's done it yes yes miss yeah but that's
[01:05:35] always funny that's like a hard the MMA one's tough too because it's like
[01:05:39] there's I'm happy for you a hundred M.F. MMA yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
[01:05:45] and it's like I'm happy for you I'm glad you transitioned in shit but like
[01:05:49] something feels a little off here this is actually pretty progressive when it
[01:05:53] comes to that I mean it's like and these are all arguments have been played out
[01:05:57] on much shittier podcast but I mean it's like you know it's it's a legal to take
[01:06:05] additional testosterone right that's you can't do that you can't take steroids
[01:06:10] and compete in any sport right rather than like competitive but maybe if you
[01:06:15] throw your body low enough body building is like the only sport in fact
[01:06:18] like it should be encouraged for trans people to go into body yeah because
[01:06:24] that's something where you know drug abuse is encouraged and you're supposed
[01:06:28] to die at age 40 so you're fucking hard exploding sounds cool you know with
[01:06:33] like fighting or whatever if you had like you know a 20 year advantage over a
[01:06:39] woman where you have testosterone making your bones thicker you know couldn't
[01:06:43] you get it low though what your your age levels your hormones and shit no once
[01:06:49] you transition it does lower your testosterone like that happens for sure
[01:06:53] right testosterone has a permanent effect on your bone structure so like
[01:06:58] you're gonna have thick ass but you have sicker joints and thicker wrists and
[01:07:01] you know bigger hands better leverages it's just like got you on average you
[01:07:06] know but yeah but still it's like you can't look at Adam when he said on average
[01:07:10] by the way well yeah Adam has you know very small little beautiful a cup tits
[01:07:14] beautiful thanks for having a little titties dude yeah just uh it's all nipple
[01:07:18] it's like a big I've actually incredibly small you do have small nips yeah and I
[01:07:24] like a puffy nip we've talked about this yeah I like all nips actually a big
[01:07:27] soft vagina stops got some nice silver dollars I got some nice nipper wounds
[01:07:32] got some nice little they're tan too they're nice and fucking browns you know I
[01:07:38] like all shades as well yeah nipple I'm gonna get a little lamp shades on my
[01:07:43] nipples little tassels yeah no little lampshades yeah yeah with yeah like
[01:07:48] like you know what I'm gonna get some sconces yeah light up nipple
[01:07:53] things Wisconsin's you know so I looked at the nautical themed ones you know so
[01:08:00] I look like a bad guy from Bioshock my fucking port window
[01:08:06] ship wheel nipples right exactly big brass glowing yellow nipples people
[01:08:12] like what the fuck is that I'm like I you know I used to be pretty in a video
[01:08:15] game so after I played Bioshock I got my nipples permanently converted into
[01:08:21] whatever this is so you know the mid-nauts were a different time before all
[01:08:27] this Trump stuff I didn't realize it glowing diving bell nipples we're gonna
[01:08:34] be the symbol of hate that's right the new I didn't realize that was what it
[01:08:40] was gonna be it's the teens though bitch it ain't the not the knots I'm
[01:08:44] talking about in this story I would have gotten them back then I'm too hungry to
[01:08:48] fucking focus yeah being rich about to be the 20s you think that's gonna flappers
[01:08:52] yeah yeah I used to joke about that like 10 years ago me and Jake were
[01:08:58] drinking one time I was like we're gonna be like 20s guys yeah we're gonna call
[01:09:02] each other YAG is that what they called each other yeah yeah get watch Miller's
[01:09:06] crossing no yeah I did you're such a fucking idiot what's that about it's
[01:09:11] the best calling brothers maybe really I don't know about that it is it's the
[01:09:16] best common brothers I don't know how to disagree is because he doesn't know what
[01:09:19] he's talking about shut the fuck up I'm a plea what's the best what's the best
[01:09:25] common brothers movie then you just fucking disagreeing because you don't
[01:09:29] even know Fargo make a list of movies I should watch Fargo is not as good as
[01:09:33] Millers Crossing Fargo's good as shit dude Fargo's good as shit Fargo is good
[01:09:38] Fargo it's like I'm not saying Fargo's a bad girl here guys Nick thanks Fargo sucks
[01:09:43] Millers Crossing is a better movie yeah but Millers Crossing is like blow
[01:09:46] Fargo out of the wall I mean they're both very good movies but yeah I say it
[01:09:51] blows far goes like a lot of movies I gotta watch Millers Crossing what else
[01:09:55] what else goes on the list are we talking about the movie where a bunch of
[01:10:00] Adams flock your father's penis and suck the blood out of it they jump off a
[01:10:19] Star Wars you have to come on I have decans I have a decans again and I will
[01:10:26] clean them I will clean them but you have to pay for it if you do not pay
[01:10:32] for it I will let the decans kill your mother and I'm on I'm on your dad's
[01:10:39] dick and I'm talking to my dick that my dick ant therapist and I'm like what
[01:10:43] editor would it be he's dick ants you trying to circumcise him yeah by biting
[01:10:47] his foreskin off I told you guys about the life purpose to like to circumcise
[01:10:51] you told us about that the dick ants right now no no you're not as your dad
[01:10:56] you definitely told yeah yeah I love that when I met when I when I went to the
[01:11:02] doctor and one of them said I should get circumcised my dad was like what is he
[01:11:06] fucking Jewish yeah he thinks he thinks it's a Jewish conspiracy to get everyone
[01:11:10] circumcised oh but of course I'll never sir I'll never get I'm not sure I'm not
[01:11:14] gonna I'm not sure I'm gonna do to my kids oh look at this kids you're impotent
[01:11:18] I'm first of all not imping you oh do you have any proof yeah I haven't
[01:11:22] pregnant I hope I'm I maybe I am you guys you're boy's a plan B captain I
[01:11:31] would never find out I did in some woman had like a miss here she told me like
[01:11:36] she was like she was like yeah I didn't have my period for like three months and
[01:11:40] then it was like I was bleeding profusely and I was like holy shit interesting so
[01:11:44] I dodged a bullet there that would have been a nightmare yeah I had to go to the
[01:11:50] clinic and it was me and all bad boys when you're a boy the baby out of your
[01:11:56] ass I was not the pregnant one stop rest I was the man yeah they stuck a little
[01:12:03] vacuum up Adam's ass and the doctors like Adam's ass is sucking too much it's
[01:12:10] sucking harder than the vacuum is we've got a water generator she can't handle
[01:12:17] anymore pressure the vacuum is going to play she's not gonna make it but that's
[01:12:31] you mentioned the abortion time she's not gonna make it is too powerful that's
[01:12:41] good shit maybe call me that whatever that was on Twitter well that's probably
[01:12:48] gonna do it for this one yeah come to the show which is this gonna air before
[01:12:53] the show it doesn't matter I mean come to funny moms with a funny moms on
[01:12:57] Monday coming up oh shit I think I'm booked for something what I'm doing I'm
[01:13:02] doing like good for you I think is the show it's one of those like Brooklyn it's
[01:13:06] a Williamsburg show don't do some just do our show I are fans we good for you's
[01:13:11] not a Monday show they said October 7 they said do you want to not do we're
[01:13:15] the ninth we're the ninth fuck is the seventh is good for you that's a good
[01:13:19] show what can't see no reality Saturday what the fuck is Saturday we have to
[01:13:24] shoot the thing oh yeah we're shooting on Saturday oh you can tell people that
[01:13:28] yeah we're shooting the web series it's not the web series no it's not the web
[01:13:32] shooting something it's a trailer for I'm we're doing a movie it's a full
[01:13:37] motion picture we're shooting a movie in a day 99 minute I wanted to keep it you
[01:13:41] know I kept lying about the web series for so sex comedy it's now the truth
[01:13:47] begins it's porn yeah so funny moms are the ninth funny mom says the ninth all
[01:13:54] three of us will be there with good attitudes yes well stop an iron DC on
[01:14:00] Wednesday but I think that sold out it doesn't matter it's coming out the same
[01:14:03] day oh also shout out to everybody that died today yeah prayers up for Vegas my
[01:14:08] hometown see some Tom Petty for V gas and he's down for Tom and I won't and also
[01:14:16] by the way that's what I listen to every this is the only news organization that
[01:14:21] you're gonna hear say this Tom Petty was a terrorist
[01:14:26] okay yeah all right okay why don't you let that sink into your fucking white
[01:14:32] man brain he was a fucking terrorist that's right he was a terrorist the
[01:14:37] heartbreakers were a terrorist organization just like Islam just like
[01:14:42] Islam is read the Quran oh yeah bitch yeah the words that it says all right well