Cum Town | Regular | 10/25/2017
[00:00:00] What's up everybody you're watching Dan Carlin's Hard R history.
[00:00:11] Follow it, part of our 37 part series on America's favorite word.
[00:00:17] I'm Dan Carlin, not to be confused with George Carlin, who died of a very similar, I don't
[00:00:25] know anything about Dan Carlin, other than he has a show called Hard R history.
[00:00:32] The history of people getting fucked on camera.
[00:00:35] Not just getting fucked, you see the dick.
[00:00:38] Yeah, and then Mark Twain was the first person to actually zoom in on the asshole.
[00:00:51] I'm Jed Dabumrod and I'm Rob W. Macey, audio for nerds, audio for people that wish they
[00:01:04] People that wish they still had homework, that's so fucking true those fucking nerds.
[00:01:10] They wanted to get grades back on their chores.
[00:01:14] Yeah, people that want to just be pet on the head by a teacher.
[00:01:29] Yeah, blue collar boys fucking try and tattle on the bitch.
[00:01:41] Don't tell anyone that I would have won here.
[00:01:47] They do have a window right now that they could fire you.
[00:01:54] Yeah, please, nobody call WNYC Studios.
[00:01:59] I'm pleased don't call WNYC Studios in demand that they take Dan Carlin's hard art history
[00:02:09] Their new show Dan Carlin's hard art history.
[00:02:13] Would you listen to an audio series about the N word?
[00:02:18] Yeah, I'm surprised Ken Burns hasn't done the N word yet.
[00:02:22] And said it is fucking plastic black wig.
[00:02:28] I just got Ken Burns is the N word on 4K blue, right?
[00:02:36] It's all really powerful letters home to your wife.
[00:02:44] My dears, Virginia, I came up with the funniest words today.
[00:02:50] Me and the boys were down at the barracks eating hardtacks, just waiting for them Yankee
[00:03:00] And I said, what if we called them this?
[00:03:03] I can't wait to get home to your sweet lips and whispered into your ear.
[00:03:15] Yeah, this is a fucking other late night.
[00:03:21] Yeah, but this is good when we're not eating.
[00:03:26] I drink a late coffee after the hot day.
[00:03:29] I've been taking painkillers all day long.
[00:03:37] I was benching and I was locking out, which is usually like the safest part.
[00:03:47] It felt like it popped in and out of I don't know how the fuck it happened.
[00:03:52] No, I think I've become too strong for bones.
[00:03:58] It's like we need to start doing gay stuff again.
[00:04:02] It's the one around your picture on the wall at the Burger restaurant.
[00:04:07] Thank you for paying my son's way through to go school.
[00:04:11] The guy that drank all if you drink all the grease
[00:04:20] Actually wasn't a challenge that we have here and you're like, it's okay. I brought my own picture
[00:04:25] I bring my own picture at every burger restaurant and I invent my own challenge
[00:04:32] Fucks that's at the cheeseburger in paradise in
[00:04:35] White Marsh, Maryland my my picture is on that wall for eating a five pound burger a five pound burger
[00:04:40] That's a lot wait is that real yeah, you ate a five pound it was whatever their challenge burgers
[00:04:47] Come boys in Baltimore when I go to that I think it's on honey go boulevard
[00:04:51] She's very good restaurant get us a picture of stops fat
[00:04:54] Well, I mean you think about it's like McDonald's has a quarter pounder, right?
[00:04:57] Yeah, I could I could eat so that was 20 of those
[00:05:01] In one city when your boy is fucking when when everything's clicking on all cylinders
[00:05:06] No, you're not my boy in the context you putting five
[00:05:11] You know that you don't respond beef. What's it like being in the zone like that bro mean
[00:05:16] I'll tell me about put together one of the most disgusting evenings of my life the other night
[00:05:22] It was so bad my dick didn't work for like it two days afterwards. Yeah, oh it was that it was that it was that it was that it was
[00:05:28] That it was the food your penis didn't work. I was struggling
[00:05:34] But I still got the shit like this shit was more like
[00:05:39] Dairy Queen is that's what stops got between his legs. What is it a dairy Queen is?
[00:05:50] Now that now we're combining to a paper thing. It's so tight. You can turn it upside down and under the com comes out
[00:06:00] You know, I would eat the hell out of a pussy ice cream, but let me tell you this order. It was the niggas negative vocal
[00:06:06] All right, let me tell you this order. It was fucking
[00:06:11] We get we start with a Chinese food order right and it's two combination platters
[00:06:18] Shrimp and broccoli general so's Jenny so's that's where the order should stop. That's what you stop for this last week or something
[00:06:25] This was Saturday. Okay. This is Saturday. Yeah. Yeah
[00:06:30] And then we throw in a little noodle for the table
[00:06:33] Yeah, you know fucking large large chow fun. No, it was in our home in your house, but it was a table table
[00:06:43] Okay, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with these chicken wings and then of course so we eat all that
[00:06:48] Followed up with two pints of Ben and Jerry's. Yes. Okay. I want peanut butter core. He goes fucking hey
[00:06:57] Oh hello, I don't know you but nice to meet you
[00:07:04] Broadcast for yeah, yeah another 40 minutes. No, it's fine. No, I was just telling everyone a disgusting
[00:07:10] Or thing I put our friend Dana from come town with Adam Los Angeles Adams here
[00:07:17] LA Adam no, I'm in Jamel, dude. You're a
[00:07:20] Of course you're out of your mind. Oh come on
[00:07:25] Anyway, how do that Chinese food had a fucking had two pints of Ben and Jerry's and then 40 minutes later?
[00:07:32] We ordered two things with chicken tenders an egg hero
[00:07:38] With three eggs yeah tomatoes mayonnaise cheese
[00:07:42] Chicken tenders and fries he had another pint yeah, and I had a pack of Oreos and a thing of chocolate milk
[00:07:49] I'm so glad that you eat so much that I can just leave the room for
[00:08:00] Yeah, well you're welcome you motherfuckers. He's literally eight up time
[00:08:07] Can I I don't want to get too graphic. Go ahead. Are your poops are they like hard or they soft?
[00:08:11] They're nice and soft they like you eat fruit. I'm a lot of fiber my diet fiber
[00:08:16] He's probably eats such greasy shit that like it just falls out and smooth
[00:08:21] It's either nice and smoother. It's a horror show and eat a lot of fat
[00:08:24] So you that's like the best kind of you take the best shit
[00:08:27] It slides right out of your ass fiber fiber is bullshit in my mind. I mean five or plus a five or plus
[00:08:34] Yeah, now you're talking about a nice because I used to I would consume so much fucking like brand in the morning
[00:08:41] Yeah, you know just a shit or whatever like boy. Yeah, just put stay regular
[00:08:46] I would put like it's not really my mom. I just couldn't shit
[00:08:49] I would eat such like high protein that I just wouldn't shit now you need to all come pull all my ass out with fucking brand
[00:08:56] You actually have a way you could be like you're sitting there for like 30 minutes
[00:09:00] Yes, you know and you're like what the fuck is going on? That's what this shit was like I shit
[00:09:05] Consecutively for I would look I'm not even kidding 12 minutes probably where was like I was trying to like 30 seconds
[00:09:12] Take a little break and just keep shitting. Yes, cuz normally when I'm on the toilet
[00:09:16] I like doing like a nice little ratio of 60% chillin 40%
[00:09:20] Yeah, you know I mean like to have a phone time
[00:09:24] Spilling shit out of your exactly 60% chill 40% spill. Yeah, no have you read one of those shits where you're sitting there for 20 minutes?
[00:09:30] You're like I need to shit, but nothing's coming out squatty and then some like you just body body bro
[00:09:35] No, then you have some sort of like it's like a it's like a continuous soft
[00:09:40] It's like a eight foot continuous sausage. I love that one curls and it curl
[00:09:47] Unbelievable that feels one time on some vacation with my parents in Malibu and I
[00:09:52] I that was like it hurts so bad at first
[00:09:58] I can break the seal. How about when it's when you shit you shit so much it like some's coming out sticking out of the water
[00:10:06] I don't really know that I really feel up the toilet at the top is sticking out Jesus Christ never having you call that
[00:10:12] All those stops stops turds all the stops turds look like little statues of stop
[00:10:18] Oh, that would actually shits out tiny Buddhist
[00:10:23] Proportional to your to your proportions. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to shed a little meat
[00:10:28] It's just you like a public restroom and people just you're like nice and like oh, yeah coming from install
[00:10:45] Like a fear of going to public restrooms because I had this traumatic
[00:10:49] Experiment no you guys I know what you're about to do
[00:10:51] I was gonna say I have traumatic experience at a public restroom when I was a kid and you're like you guys
[00:10:56] We're gonna see you're right. Okay. We're not gonna make fun of the time you're actually I wasn't
[00:10:59] We understand some things are off-limits like the time you sucked off four guys
[00:11:05] Real things like that happen was vague. Okay. I was at the might they have the rodeo finals and lost
[00:11:19] Fuck my ass and time how long the clowns would fuck my acid so the cow their cowboys could get ready to fuck my
[00:11:39] I was at the rodeo and and then I had sex
[00:11:46] And then I contracted HIV and then I had to get this medication that wasn't legally in America
[00:11:51] I lost all this weight and then I was going all around the world and you know buyers club no no okay, so what I was at that
[00:11:59] rodeo like finals with my family I needed to share really bad rodeo fun because my parents got like comp tickets or something
[00:12:05] My south African dad and I were waiting guys are the lowest level of Jews like those are your showbiz connections
[00:12:11] This is the rodeo that was a big deal dude for like for the economy. It was the fucking final
[00:12:15] It was like the national finals the rodeo
[00:12:17] And I remember also I was like eight or nine and like they were just like beating the shit out of cow like little cows
[00:12:27] Sport like that one is like it's really brutal. It's like baby cows
[00:12:31] They're like just fucking you tying up and fucking up so what happened in this bad. Yeah, it's a rodeo
[00:12:37] Like I didn't know dude. I was just like a little kid
[00:12:39] I'd never seen someone like do a cow cat like calf beating up my friend my friend Mindy used to
[00:12:48] What's the one where you're like retard your bodies fucked up?
[00:12:51] But you're not my brother. Yeah, he had cerebral palsy. Yeah, and he like loves professional bull riding
[00:12:59] So you had all this like P. PBR gear. Yeah, that's where we were at the PBR. Yeah, and
[00:13:04] And people would come up and be like damn is that what happened
[00:13:11] A bull fucked him up and now his body is tiny
[00:13:20] From the bull's a horn went through his fucking spine
[00:13:22] It's always funny those still images those high-speed cameras to capture like a horn going all like when it's at the apex of a man's
[00:13:31] Asshole some Spanish piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really funny
[00:13:35] When bold when bull fighters and they're dumb as sequin fucking uniforms get gored. Yeah
[00:13:41] There's a end of bull fighting is like they have to fucking stab the bull to do
[00:13:45] That's why it's funny when they kill it when they get killed
[00:13:47] The warmer the gate good the horn goes through the guy the bottom of the guys chin. Oh, yeah
[00:13:54] Oh that one sucks dude fuck that one's good. I'm kind of pro bulls fucking up those guys
[00:14:00] Yeah, but that's that one's pretty brutal not because I care about the animals
[00:14:03] I also think it's funny that the bulls get stabbed. I just also like the humans are hurt
[00:14:09] Especially Europeans just happy whatever death is occurring
[00:14:15] Some Spanish piece of shit gets his face slit open by a dangerous animal and then they poke at the death with elongated needles
[00:14:24] So what happens in this fucking bathroom? Oh, yeah me my dad
[00:14:26] We're in this we meet my dad were in this long-ass line all these dudes are wearing like tight Wranglers
[00:14:31] Yeah, and they're just chugging you can see their beautiful cock. No, it's like everyone needed to piss so back
[00:14:36] So everyone's just Adam is really into penis outlines
[00:14:45] It was really funny because these guys like they were wearing these tight jeans and they had a piss so bad
[00:14:50] So like every dude when he like undo his jeans to piss like at the urinal
[00:14:54] There was just this collective like sigh like all of them were like oh fuck yeah
[00:14:58] But then I had to shit so I like went into the toilet and the toilet was just like it looked like Chernobyl or something
[00:15:05] Yeah, yeah, it was like oh it was like one of the I got like terrified like chili dog splatters
[00:15:11] There was like just fucking yet like literally chili coming out of men's ass like all on the wall
[00:15:16] I don't even understand how that happened and it just like I got really scared and I like ran out of there and
[00:15:21] It like fucked me up for a couple of years. That fuck jumps it seeing shit in a toilet bowl
[00:15:25] Fuck it was not in a toilet bowl. It was literally in every corner of the fucking stall
[00:15:31] And that's why you couldn't use public restrooms. It took like a couple another couple of years for me to be like
[00:15:36] I thought you were I mean I didn't think you were gonna get molested
[00:15:38] But I thought I was gonna be like something I just got it was like tear it was like you know what it would then fucking
[00:15:44] Train spot. It was like I love shooting in public restroom. Oh now I'm back on it. Yeah. I kind of like it. Me too secretly
[00:15:51] I'm all I'm all I'm no secret. No, I guess I could shoot in a nasty ass restroom now, but
[00:15:56] That fuck sometimes I like the challenge. You did not just squat did not sit down
[00:16:02] When I lived in Austin when my favorite things is we just get real high and go to the Hyatt on like 4th Street
[00:16:09] The nice hotel and then I would shit in their bath. That's nice. That is nice. Yeah
[00:16:16] My game hotel. No when I was out and about
[00:16:28] This is why we are the leading podcast of the left on the left, that's right, dude
[00:16:33] Yes, this is why we're the number just Stein can try and take our position away from us, but yeah
[00:16:39] Too bad Jeff. I saw a picture of what you
[00:16:50] He looks like a Mars attacks the guy that we got it stands up and he's like oh
[00:16:57] Do the aliens have two sexes like we do
[00:17:02] Devs time once the fuck aliens. Yeah, he's that guy from Mars attacks. It wants to fuck the aliens
[00:17:08] Did you put that your next article? Oh, that's all that shit. Yeah
[00:17:15] Podcasts that you're forced to listen to you know
[00:17:22] There is more steps the fucking glissing to a guy like I like to imagine his like high school bully that still keeps track of where he lives
[00:17:31] It's playing come town say anything style over a boob box. That's how to
[00:17:41] Yeah, his high school bully was like a cripple. Yeah, probably
[00:17:49] Man yeah, I mean the isn't so embarrassing that
[00:17:54] The quote where I said come town is about being gay
[00:17:58] I just like how do you not do that as a man wrote a news article?
[00:18:06] You don't pay any attention to the shit
[00:18:11] Like oh Vox is like a website. It's a real news on it
[00:18:15] They're like oh, I guess there's a problem with you know
[00:18:23] Right is did somebody get her assaulted or something oh
[00:18:29] No, there's just a podcast called come town
[00:18:32] And their friends with a guy that took picture next to the bill cause we made a joke
[00:18:44] Nothing yeah god damn it dude. That shit is so funny. What a dumbass world. Yeah, it is 2017 crazy
[00:18:51] Yeah, fuck that is crazy. That is crazy that that happened at first. I was annoyed now
[00:18:57] I'm at the point where I'm like this why you use a fuck Adam's Adam's Adam's
[00:19:01] Afraid of his former employee Vox coming for oh, yeah, dude employee Mattie. Glacey is gonna fuck your ass
[00:19:06] I worked there for two and a half months and I was sad about a girl cucking me for a DJ the entire time
[00:19:12] I like instead of doing work like drafted like this is gonna be the email. Oh, those are the worst emails
[00:19:23] Lay it all out your work it on it to draft you're moving bear grabs up and down and shit
[00:19:28] Yeah, you like maybe this one goes better as an intro paragraph and you stand up and you walk around the room
[00:19:33] Yeah, I'm as you're at an alternate universe for Adam keeps the job. He never does our show and he's at Vox writing
[00:19:40] It's homophobic the chapel won't have me
[00:19:49] My friend Justin hug each other and work and they can't fire because it would be discrimination
[00:19:58] Every day we get a gay cake baked for us to prove
[00:20:04] No, it's a clarifying never worked for Vox calm. I never worked for that website to clarify this one
[00:20:10] I worked for I was a paralegal for the company that owns Vox. Oh, shit
[00:20:16] So Weinstein no, they own like you know SB nation like the sports
[00:20:23] Platt multi platform thing. Yeah, fuck ESPN by the way for canceling big cat and pfd show
[00:20:28] Yeah, those are our boys. That's fucking bullshit. They're canceled immediately. It was mother fuck cuz just cuz
[00:20:34] It wasn't them they were doing a good show. It's because the president of bar stool
[00:20:39] Because ESPN is a bunch of no because they knew out that contract. They found that contract first of all fuck that contract
[00:20:44] They were they made a female employee like sign a contract
[00:20:48] But she didn't sign it she like redlined it but she said like you can't be offended by jokes if you work here
[00:20:58] I think I'm gonna start making everybody
[00:21:10] Slur away inside this thing so that they can be harassed you have to say that Hillary's a bitch
[00:21:17] Are you going to jail say that say on camera you're not with it?
[00:21:22] I want to hear you say it. Yeah. Yeah, we're doing video contracts
[00:21:37] In the ninja costume with the machete yeah
[00:21:47] What is that guy's name the Beatles Jimmy what I just guy that would kill
[00:21:53] Oh, yeah, yeah the the British and Johnny yeah, they call him like yeah
[00:22:01] They all got mob names and Isis he was a rapper a
[00:22:04] There's a rapper Jimmy Jimmy five prayers
[00:22:07] They all have Toyota pickups with like sick like like four like desert
[00:22:12] Pre-runner kids on the truck to Toyota Hilux. Yeah
[00:22:19] They love him mmm store a lot of fucking heads
[00:22:22] I mean they did love them before Trump defeated them entirely RIP to Isis. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you Trump
[00:22:30] So what is it the this is the correspondence dinner tomorrow night? It is who's even doing it? I think so Dennis Miller
[00:22:38] It's Steven Crowder. Well, it's Dan Nyan for sure
[00:22:45] He bombs I re-watched the Shane Bain video and that is still like one of the funniest things
[00:22:51] So we're gonna go back on record. I think that's a good video
[00:22:55] I thought I own it to Shane that at least watch the video again and it fucking got me so funny a
[00:23:00] Little bit about myself my father's from India and my mom is from Japan when he snaps the guy's neck
[00:23:07] I would actually go on tour with Andy Grove
[00:23:15] Dana have you seen this this guy this guy Shane who listens to the show who I guess we can't really she's a woman
[00:23:22] Yeah, I don't care about Miss Jenner and anymore after that
[00:23:31] Anymore you don't have to go to jail, but you just get your pronouns taken away. I'm gonna be the one that says it
[00:23:39] You know I'm gonna handle it the worst way possible
[00:23:48] When that girl is getting mad at him people are like, please stop miss Kendra. Yeah, yeah
[00:23:54] Well Sadie was like of course this is everybody that listens to the show is a pet file everyone and then Noah
[00:24:00] Berlatsky was like should be really be going after someone for being a pet of
[00:24:13] What he said verbatim yeah, well, you know
[00:24:19] Point is the bane video is very funny. I took a video of like bane coming out to that auditorium and dark night
[00:24:27] To the state and then like dubbed over it with Dan Nynan stand-up
[00:24:32] But like with that doll like the stadium effect. It was good
[00:24:35] So it's like bang on me. I was like a little bit about me my father's from India and my
[00:24:41] Yeah, it's very good. Oh someone shout out shout out to the convoy that sent me
[00:24:47] I still haven't showed you guys this send me Nynan's pilot script. Oh, yeah
[00:24:52] And it is it is exactly we make it what you I think we should do a dramatic read
[00:24:57] I think we should do a whole episode that's just legally us. Are we good doing that? What I don't know
[00:25:05] Yeah, he doesn't have a fucking video contract for me. That's right. Yeah
[00:25:13] I see a fucking video me saying shit. I didn't break the law
[00:25:21] Definitely gonna get like in trouble for some day be like I'm representing myself. Oh 100%
[00:25:27] Are you fucking kidding me? You know all the fucking research that fucking he would fuck it
[00:25:32] Love to do requiring some old ass fucking statute. It was like only applied to sailors or the 1700s. Yeah
[00:25:39] No, you just like read out those like weird laws. Oh in Plymouth, Massachusetts
[00:25:44] You can't ride an awesome bridge. I got yeah, I get all my information from those
[00:25:49] Snapple fun. No, what are those like brain games they used to have that came on those like bookmark size cards
[00:25:55] Every day with those recall but if I knew the name of those sayings boy with that bit of a hell of a fucking reference
[00:26:01] Noodle people would have laughed and laughed at that
[00:26:10] I say right. I say anything in your life. It's about ramen or no like brain
[00:26:15] I wear your brain. Well, baby. Noodle is a fucking sitting in for a dog or a fire
[00:26:20] There's some kind of kids smart game with noodle. Could you it was your way to eat this
[00:26:33] It's a fucking game dude. I'm gonna look this shit up game noodle. So what are you dressing up for Halloween?
[00:26:38] I think I'm gonna be Uma Thurman from kill bill. Oh, that's good. Thanks, man
[00:26:43] Are you gonna be at the wig? Yeah, of course, dude. Yeah, you're gonna with like latex body paint Nick
[00:26:48] What are you gonna be you don't dress up right? I'm gonna be Steven Patix Chinese girlfriend
[00:26:56] Try to say it's offensive you can't yeah
[00:26:59] Because it's you know, she's sort of a criminal. It's representative. Yeah, I guess I don't know
[00:27:05] Are you gonna yeah, you're not gonna do face. I don't do the whole penis is
[00:27:09] Oh, thank you by the way to everyone that came out last night to find mom's. Oh, yeah, that was a fun show miss Nick
[00:27:15] I'm sorry. I missed it. We'll be back. I was busy taking my free uber ride for Midtown
[00:27:21] Oh, and are they give you a car you get a car back at night. That's nice. That's nice. Yeah, that's the one perk from the gay sex factory
[00:27:33] That's where you get in fire from what was I gonna say? What are we gonna do for Halloween?
[00:27:37] I don't know. I heard about a couple couple couple couple things popping
[00:27:41] Yeah, I remember the one time the summer the the Halloween I was moving into my place
[00:27:46] That was the best Halloween ever party of all time
[00:27:48] And I it was the most stressful day of my fucking life. That was the bed bugs
[00:27:52] I had to move all my shit. I get all my shit out of Christina's
[00:27:57] And then move it in it was fucking I cried like three times. That was the best Halloween I've ever had God
[00:28:03] I just went to this to that mansion in for green. Can we run that back three as three story man?
[00:28:11] Don't have a mansion you got a mansion. Who's fuck whose party was it? I don't even fuck it up someone
[00:28:16] A friend of a friend. Let's get back in there. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it
[00:28:33] Can't get over how fucking stupid that article is gonna look in like a year
[00:28:39] It does but it's gonna look really it's gonna look really fucking stupid in the future
[00:28:43] It's gonna look so stupid in a week. Yeah, honestly. We're gonna bomb North careers
[00:28:53] That's not your case. It's not a joke. I mean, yeah, the joke we say
[00:28:59] It's a bit that has sex reflecting. Yeah, okay. We all guys I was in a cab today and
[00:29:05] Where your dad's show up to have sex New York City New York City cab in New York City meant Manhattan
[00:29:12] I was watching tax cap TV Steve Harvey show clip from his talk show
[00:29:17] Can I like can I tell you guys a joke that he told? Yeah, I'm gonna do Steve's joke. Okay, go ahead
[00:29:27] Because I got three of them in my house and I want them out very nice laugh
[00:29:37] If anyone knows millennials, they know they like three things. Oh, yeah one is
[00:29:49] Yo, I'm not even fucking around. Royal farm shaking is my favorite shit. All right, but yeah
[00:29:56] My favorite is from Hank's that fucking
[00:29:59] Right because this is that no no hold on because you're you're shitting on Steve Harvey. I'm not shitting
[00:30:04] I'm trying to tell you know, I mean, he's right if you think about it. There's there was sort of a gas station food Renaissance
[00:30:11] With with wah wah sheets and wah wah shit that you know is that millennial
[00:30:17] There's no place in DC that you should not be like the last row or whatever. Oh, yeah on the 14th shit is good
[00:30:22] Yeah, yeah, it's good. Okay, but we're breaking news from the New York Times China unveiled its new leadership with gz
[00:30:29] Jin Ping more powerful than ever oh fuck. Oh damn. I'm sure that way is that now. He has two swords
[00:30:40] Throwing stars now, yo, they made a they put the band at the
[00:30:29] J Jin Ping more powerful than ever fuck. Oh damn. I'm sure that way is that now. He has two swords
[00:30:42] Yo, they made a they put the band at the
[00:30:29] J Jin Ping more powerful than ever fuck. Oh damn. I'm sure that way is that now. He has two swords
[00:30:42] Yo, they made a they put the band at this brain of China. Yeah, thank you
[00:30:50] All right, I paint is always gonna have two names. Yeah, like Ling Ling Shin Shin Bruce Bruce
[00:31:01] Very nicely done. All right. All right. Yes
[00:31:04] Millennials love three gas station food food from the gas station number two
[00:31:09] Athletic clothes again, dude. He's on to something and number three all millennials love
[00:31:20] Right, this is the center for the joke the punchline is
[00:31:29] Food from the gas station with hot sauce
[00:31:35] Athletic clothes because you're gonna shit because you're gonna have to go to the bathroom a lot. Okay
[00:31:41] So I just wanted to share that joke. I remember there's a classic Steve Harvey bit
[00:31:46] We're just talking about the difference between young people and old people. Yeah, I mean, that's just like that's old Steve's whole thing
[00:31:52] But he's talking about like remember back in the day. You just took a piss
[00:31:57] And you old and now it's urine you gotta be germinated
[00:32:06] Weird because the premise behind the the the
[00:32:10] Millennials joke is that every time he sees one of them. It's like all Steve here comes another millennial here to take a diarrhea everywhere
[00:32:21] Yeah, that's a good bit. I don't get what you're trying to criticize. Yeah, you're madam for being a better comic
[00:32:26] I don't what's yeah, right? Have you written anything even close to that good in the last six months?
[00:32:31] You're staying up is all just fake stories about the subway somebody misgendering you on the subway
[00:32:39] Steve writes classic observational about generations about generations dude. I do
[00:32:45] You know your young joke about young you're pissing everywhere
[00:32:49] You're taking yourself laughing at Steve Harvey old you're urinating. Would you guys we should go to Steve?
[00:32:56] I would love to how does he get all that work done? I'm like working with somebody that I guess said
[00:33:02] They work with somebody on Steve Harvey show right now the talk show. Yeah, they were like yeah
[00:33:07] There's a they were like telling all these like Steve Harvey think these secrets about Steve Harvey or whatever from the show like
[00:33:15] And people were like what secrets or whatever and like apparently he's like really just weird to women
[00:33:28] About how you should be how to be a good husband. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and yeah, and I like
[00:33:34] To be a good one. Yeah, it's a how to be a good wife
[00:33:39] Act like a lady think like a man or some shit like which they adapted into a movie and the movie is about people that read the book
[00:33:45] It's really boring. They're just quietly reading
[00:34:00] But how does he get it all to cuz he does radio every day. He has the talk show every day
[00:34:05] He's doing family feud. He's doing the news like those talent shows like Steve Harvey wants you to learn how to like pull
[00:34:11] a tablecloth out from under me Steve Harvey's big break. Yeah, I went off the air 15 years ago
[00:34:19] I there was on he does one with kids now or something. Yeah, he just stole
[00:34:24] Kids say the darnest thing. Yeah, he has like an hour kids show, but it's like on a stage
[00:34:28] I don't think it's like interviews. Definitely. I mean he's probably like how's it getting it all done?
[00:34:33] How much money do I don't think so no no? I think he's just like an old like asshole
[00:34:42] He's a lot older than people thinking yeah, it's a suit company too. Oh
[00:34:54] Like a promo pick if we ever do promo picks for the podcast of us wearing like 12-button. Yeah eggplant
[00:35:01] I get a fucking eggplant for you pal king of comedy what?
[00:35:07] All right, that's the plan where they make all the smack yeah
[00:35:12] Whatever I'm glad I'm in the punch zone. Yeah, I'm glad I'm fucking skinned up
[00:35:18] You guys are chopped off. Yeah, I got more dick if you think about it. They kept they caught forgot
[00:35:23] I was a blade running to keep calling him a skin job. That's what they call the replicants or whatever
[00:35:28] Mm-hmm, but it just I'm in my head the first thing I think it's like oh
[00:35:34] I skin job sounds like a surgery to get a
[00:35:39] Skin job a dystopian future that fake for skin everyone's Jewish
[00:35:48] To reattach yeah, have you looked into it?
[00:35:52] But the problem is that you need to have like an asshole still for them to remove to put on the top and Adam's ass
[00:35:59] Well, that's one of the problems the other problem is you have to have at least one inch of penis. Yeah
[00:36:06] None of pieces they're graphed on the doctor. He's like listen. You're almost there, but you're not quite a woman
[00:36:15] I remember watching surgery on your heart
[00:36:18] That's one of the rules of medicine no surgery on our dick
[00:36:22] Dude, let me get it hard, please. Yeah, Doc Doc. Give me a chair. I'm watching some like show about like it's like
[00:36:29] It was like I think on the BBC it was like embarrassing bot people who fucked up bodies
[00:36:36] It's like that Mitchell and web look sketch about the boy with an ass for a face
[00:36:39] Oh, yeah, they're like pretend that you care about these people while you just go
[00:36:45] But there is yeah the embarrassing bodies and they had one was the guy with a micro penis
[00:36:49] And he was married and he was like I'm trying to get to surgery so I can finally have sex with my wife
[00:36:57] Cuz he suffered from what what's called a hidden penis
[00:37:06] Yeah, don't have it. Just don't have a name for it. He's fucked up a little big
[00:37:13] Any work right exactly yeah like get check your fucking dick
[00:37:18] So his dick would whatever you like it just retracted it just yeah, yeah like a belly button
[00:37:24] Oh, dude. Yeah, and his dick was hiding in there like a funnel spider
[00:37:28] Oh, no, he's never fucked it is never fucked. Oh, and so they go to do the surgery and they put him under
[00:37:34] And then the next scene is them bringing him out of surgery and he's like oh
[00:37:42] Yeah, like your blood pressure or something was fucked up. So we just can't do the surgery. So you're gonna be stuck with this
[00:37:48] We actually just sits there crying they're like on the next episode of embarrassing
[00:38:00] That's so funny you think that guy uses strap on or something to fuck his wife
[00:38:05] No, I think he's just divorced now probably I can even beat off
[00:38:09] We just put your finger in the little hole that your dick is she sticks her clit in the hole
[00:38:19] All right, Pete. All right, it's too soon her body's not even cold. Yeah, he's barely cold man
[00:38:26] You met x-pock, right? I did yeah, we talked about this. We made this exact same joke one episode ago
[00:38:32] Like probably earlier in this episode. No, no one episode good. I remember yeah
[00:38:47] You had nothing to say I really wanted to tell you guys that Steve Harvey Joker
[00:38:50] I heard today. No, it was good. Yeah, I remember one time when I went to go see if I because my we've discussed how my
[00:38:56] Forescanners too tight and I had a I had a doctor basically jerk off my soft penis. It was fucked up. Yeah
[00:39:04] Yeah, he like pulled back. Well, here's the thing I was seeing suffers from almost hidden penis
[00:39:13] Hidden penis is a spectrum. So he's got like the Asperger's if he's
[00:39:20] Yeah, right my dick just has trouble making eye contact sometimes
[00:39:24] It's not that he can't fuck it said he can only fuck model trains and vacuums
[00:39:33] In a vacuum I think once when I was like a level. Yeah, dude. I almost did only because
[00:39:40] Doofy-duck. Hey, that's what I was gonna say after doofy. I did some exploring
[00:39:44] But I got too scared at the power of the vacuum. I was afraid it would suck my dick off that if that fake retarded man likes it
[00:39:56] I'm just talking to someone about this shit. He's just like Jeff Jeff's
[00:40:11] Mentally retarded man the sticks is penis
[00:40:15] I love the way it's brothers character. It's just a gay guy who is the way he fixes it is making his girlfriend dressed like a
[00:40:32] All of them were fucking hilarious that was a scary movie for those like deep into them where
[00:40:39] He died right after making it Leslie Nielsen Nielsen. Yeah, he was this game movie for I think so. Yeah
[00:40:47] Superhero one no it was either him or Lloyd Bridges or one of those old guys that used to be a serious act or the transition
[00:40:58] His character like runs over aliens in the movie and and then he just goes
[00:41:04] You know it's like the aliens like dead on the ground and he's like hopefully we don't have to settle this through insurance
[00:41:16] It's just like probably the funniest amount of money that you could offer somebody for running over them with your car
[00:41:24] It's like enough money that it's not like so obvious of like a fuck you, but it gets
[00:41:30] It's sort of significant about yeah, but you just like it's not gonna cover anything
[00:41:35] Yeah, it's like it's like the it's so funny and it's such a dumb throwaway joke
[00:41:40] I remember that just making me laugh so I was a huge Leslie Nielsen fan all the all the
[00:41:46] Naked naked guns. I don't know if I've told her story, but like the first time I
[00:41:52] The I was throwing that movie on the Netflix and chill
[00:41:55] Yeah, you know, which was fucking the naked gun was that Netflix and chill. Uh-huh explain it
[00:42:03] So anyway, I'm different come up with that. Yeah, it's a brand as a brand
[00:42:10] Imagine someone having like a nervous breakdown. They're like I'm the inventor of yeah
[00:42:14] Yeah, well there is some woman who's like I came up with on fleek and it's on her like Twitter bio and she's that's embarrassing
[00:42:21] Oh, yeah, the black lady like eyebrows. Yes. Yeah, and she says that she's got a pilot with comment central
[00:42:29] No, you know, I kind of feel like you should get something for it first. Yeah, it would come up with a
[00:42:34] Excuse me. I don't know words and it accidentally became a thing. Huh?
[00:42:38] She's like she thought it was a word and she just said it. Yeah, she gets some credit
[00:42:43] They gave her the barstool slot on the ESPN. I'm sweet
[00:42:46] Yeah, I remember that I used to see on Twitter the woman who's like
[00:42:56] Yeah, yeah, and her old thing is like mother of the you know the baby from a meme or whatever
[00:43:01] It's like that that's your thing is exploiting your son
[00:43:06] There's a fine was very funny though. The little white kid. Yeah, I don't know what he was about
[00:43:12] What's this why do they why did they mean him so much? Why would you want your child on the internet that much?
[00:43:17] I feel like all those kids are gonna be fucked up. Of course. It's fucked the fucking
[00:43:21] Even after dentist is a heroin addict. Do you see this?
[00:43:25] He was a heroin act addict already. All right. Yeah, they're making fun of this kid on smack
[00:43:30] Yeah, the dentist is what they're calling
[00:43:35] Because he paid it by taking his gold teeth out
[00:43:44] I have you guys ever fucking had like coming out of like some shit like that like taking those
[00:43:54] Surgery to try and fix when I was pissing too much. They poked like something in my dick and
[00:44:00] And uh, and I came out of that as a magnifying glass. No
[00:44:06] Yeah, it was a whole magnet like my microscope. It was a giant. No, no
[00:44:10] You said my magnifying glass and yes magnifying glass was in my dick because my dick is big you have you've had something stuck in your
[00:44:16] There was like some kind of like thing in the blockage of my dick tubes
[00:44:20] Somewhere and they like put they stuck something in my dick to try and unblock it and I would they put me up
[00:44:27] There's a skittle I thought maybe an M&M, but I figured that would have melted
[00:44:35] So as suspected it was in fact a skittle
[00:44:42] I don't know how many times you have to tell you this mr. Alkius you can't eat candy through your penis
[00:44:48] So is this gonna be covered by insurance or well, no because we warned you and you did it anyways
[00:45:08] I put it whole twizzler in my cock and it got stuck and I done block it. You forgot about it
[00:45:14] And you're like, I don't know why I can't I'm trying this new diet. I'm starting my life over
[00:45:18] It's called shove candy in your dick instead of eating it. So this is gonna turn it all around
[00:45:24] It's putting candy my dick, but yeah, I came out of that and I was I was fucking acting weird as shit
[00:45:29] Dude, I was talking about fucking the nurses and shit
[00:45:31] My friend Josh was there. I was embarrassed. Wait. How are you acting weird?
[00:45:36] I don't understand how this is abnormal behavior for you to I was like talking extremely sexually explicit towards
[00:46:01] Like normally we can't do both, but it looks like this procedures
[00:46:06] Adams ass automatically his mouth goes open
[00:46:09] They put me under it. I called the Friedlin reflex
[00:46:21] Remember I was naked and my penis was just out like on the table. That's hilarious. My dad walks in. I was like, okay, you see my dick
[00:46:31] And he was like he's like get it together
[00:46:33] It's like not amused anyway, so a couple months later. I'm walking to class and I got a call for my parents and they're like
[00:46:41] What are you doing? I'm like I'm walking to class
[00:46:43] They're like go to the doctor go to the hospital right now and get an HIV and hepatitis B and C test
[00:46:51] I'm like what the fuck you talking about on the front page of the news in Vegas this that Adam Friedland has a
[00:47:11] What there was like an outbreak they were reusing needles and shit
[00:47:15] And then there was like a hepatitis C outbreak other than your parents said they're like our friend does a hospital
[00:47:22] And they're like you know we could save money
[00:47:27] It was an Indian doctor he got the fucking shit suit out. Hell yeah, dude. Oh boy Sanjay
[00:47:33] Coping them nickels and dimes he got the shit suit out of him and I didn't give a fuck out
[00:47:45] Take a lighter into the yeah, yeah, it'll sterilize it
[00:47:49] Yeah, I got I got my wisdom teeth taken out and like I was all fucked up when I came out and
[00:47:54] The nurses were like yeah, I just try to eat soft things like Jell-o or whatever and I was like
[00:48:03] You know I just could you put something in their drink? Yeah, this is before all yeah
[00:48:12] Yeah, no, I was just making myself laugh with this horrible bill Cosby impression and like no one was amused
[00:48:20] Yeah, but I'm glad that's my instinct. Yeah. Yeah coming out of the voice medically induced death is just
[00:48:27] Impressions, I got my tonsils out when I was a kid. They put me under two inside. I forget what I was living there
[00:48:33] Oh shit and went down under baby. Yeah, I went down under the tonsils out
[00:48:38] And then like the outback the first time you try to talk after you come out
[00:48:43] You just it hurts like it's like knives and you get a vegemite
[00:48:49] But I started crying and I couldn't like stop crying because like I'd make a sound from crying
[00:48:54] But it would hurt more so I'd want to cry more because I just remember it being the most excruciating pain I've ever experienced
[00:49:05] When I started the Dallas, but if you could if you could stay in Adams ass for seven seconds. I'll busting
[00:49:15] My ass is they can feed forth the rodeo they call my asshole the bucking Bronco very nice
[00:49:21] Yeah, and that is why we're the leading podcast
[00:49:26] Already said that shut up bitch. It's a call back. You've been waiting for to say that you thought that was gonna be such a cool thing to say
[00:49:38] Ah fuck I found I found Nick's list of cool things to say yeah, you plan you plan dude. Oh fuck
[00:49:45] Uh, so Bobby Dana knows my friend Bobby Bobby told me this story about it
[00:49:51] He had this roommate one time that sucked and I wish I could remember all the details because the whole story is so funny
[00:49:55] But he had this like roommate that he fucking like didn't like and
[00:50:00] He went through the guys shit one time or the guy was moving out and he found this guy's journal
[00:50:04] And in the journal he had like a list of things written down that Bobby had said
[00:50:10] Like and but they would but then the list was titled cool things to say
[00:50:17] He was like repeating things that he had said but he'd saved it in list format like say say this this sounds cool
[00:50:24] Oh, no, dude. That's brutal. Yeah, I know it's like if Adam kept a journal. Yeah
[00:50:31] Adam just has a better memory than that guy. Yeah
[00:50:40] That's really humiliating. I told the story about my old roommate John on the podcast before
[00:50:45] That was the that was the weirdest roommate I ever had
[00:50:51] I fucking you want you know what I had for dinner today guys what didn't you already described that when I was answering?
[00:50:57] No, that was what he had for on Saturday now. We got sunday Monday. Today was a healthy dinner, dude
[00:51:02] Your boy had fucking chicken thighs, but I had him I fucking I fucking
[00:51:08] Marinated them for out for today chocolate
[00:51:19] Dude some fucking chicken some fucking squash fries. That's my new shit. I cut up squash like fries
[00:51:26] I'll put him in the oven. This is gonna turn a roll around. Yeah, that's some fucking
[00:51:33] Yeah, I guess the key to weight loss isn't you know limiting what you eat?
[00:51:37] It's eating a shit ton of food from the produce section
[00:51:42] Empowering it with it. Well, it's not obviously it's not working butter. It's olive oils. Yeah. Yeah
[00:51:50] Higher stick of all natural butter. Yes, part of my new weight loss journey
[00:51:55] Yeah, where I continue to talk lovingly about the thing that's destroyed my life. It's all I am man. I'm quitting heroin by
[00:52:06] Using clean needles and just getting the best possible
[00:52:09] That is kind of what they do with heroin by the way you go from heroin to the other shit was that your method?
[00:52:15] Which just like makes you like not respond to opiates or some shit. Damn it. Do they have that for food?
[00:52:24] I'm a fucking prisoner, dude. I love food so much. What's the what's the drug?
[00:52:29] They give you if you're a fucking drunk that if you like drink while taking it just make sure what is that?
[00:52:34] Yeah, it's like and and and a but and a banal or I was watching a John Wayne movie recently and he like made some
[00:52:41] Old country version of that for Dean Martin Dean Martin every time he tried who's drunk every time he tried to drink
[00:52:48] He's well pilgrim doesn't he only say pilgrim in one movie
[00:52:51] And that's like his goat his go to thing anyway
[00:52:55] It doesn't be impression of them. They do the whole
[00:52:58] Pilgrim well pilgrim. I'll tell them. Yeah, he played the Chinese guy. I think we talked about that
[00:53:04] Which one was that Charlton Heston Heston played the Chinese guy. I'm sure he's one of our early bits. Yeah, Chinese troll
[00:53:10] Yeah, I love that one. They loved it. Yeah me sucky sucky
[00:53:27] What's that you know this could be a real you know all those Charlie Chan movies with what's his name?
[00:53:33] We should watch the Jackie Chan movie come on new one this weekend. Let's go see. I'm about to get movie past dude
[00:53:40] Let's see the foreigner if your dicks are big. We'll see the four I've already told you I was
[00:53:49] Apprised both of you to the new Jackie Chan movie
[00:53:54] Situation and I pitched it as an activity last weekend and we didn't do it. Huh?
[00:53:59] You said no, let's go for a bike ride and then I got sick
[00:54:01] She's still riding that bike style. Yep. So riding we got to do the podcast this weekend, too
[00:54:07] Yeah, I guess Gerby is harassed us into who is Gerby. She's a girl in Portland. Yeah, she's just some Twitter person
[00:54:17] Fuck you now everyone asked we have to let him do it. No, she's no no they have to have mental illness and be really fucking annoying
[00:54:25] If you want to get on this show you really got a fucking you understand what you've just done yourself
[00:54:35] Relentlessly for months and months on end and then do a go fund me to come out here. It wasn't a go fund me
[00:54:41] She's a telethon on whatever happened to telethons dude. Dude. I was actually I was they cured all the retarded kids
[00:54:48] They don't need any more money for retarded kids. They solved it
[00:54:51] Jerry Lewis did it Jerry Jerry Jerry Lewis he died because the last kid hi
[00:54:58] I'm Jerry Lewis and you know me from pretending to be retarded is comedy for years
[00:55:04] Anyhow, there's real retards you need money if you call it now. We'll give you a tote bag that you can
[00:55:13] Soft things for them to touch maybe a carpet sample
[00:55:17] You know the the end of a beautiful woman's hair
[00:55:31] I told you in a while I told my grandma one time she was watching like the
[00:55:39] Of of mice and men. Yeah, I was like yeah, you know in Steinbeck wrote the book
[00:55:44] It was actually supposed to be like a warning about the dangers of the mentally retarded
[00:55:50] The time people were really starting to come around about people with intellectual disabilities as it not being you know
[00:55:59] You know a sort of an in limbo for souls on their way to hell which was contemporary medical thought up until
[00:56:10] Steinbeck was opposed to that and my grandma's like oh
[00:56:18] Yeah, yeah, I always wanted that I couldn't ever find a good picture of Steinbeck next to a typewriter
[00:56:23] But I want to like just to the Steinbeck and a typewriter and then a stack of papers for his first draft manuscript for his new book
[00:56:43] That shit was sad when Lenny died dude. Yeah cap his ass George. I'm good
[00:56:48] Yeah, I did actually had to do it was like old yellow
[00:56:51] Why do you because he accidentally killed that lady who cares fuck yeah?
[00:56:56] More like bold yellow, you know, right? Who's the guy and my sister men where he's like oh, yeah
[00:57:01] Is that the one where he wanted a he's bold? Oh?
[00:57:04] Touch that one chair. Is that the one with a guy had his hand in a glove?
[00:57:08] Yeah, he wanted it to be pretty for a girl. Yeah, you wanted to have a beautiful hand
[00:57:12] He wanted to keep his fingering hands clean. Yeah
[00:57:16] Like low shit like the 30s how dusty everyone's hands were in shit. Yeah, dust bowl
[00:57:22] Was a possible yeah back in Oklahoma in the 1930s. Yeah, no good finger. Oh, I'm gonna be every pussy was
[00:57:32] In California the whole time the dust bowl was I thought in the south and then they went to California
[00:57:37] It's Steinbeck. It takes place in California. I thought that they went to California to all this time back shit is California. Okay
[00:57:47] Yeah, they weren't they weren't in the dust bowl in of my son man grapes of breath
[00:57:53] Am I some man? We're not we're talking about the dust bowl and I said
[00:57:56] The dust bowl like a fucking idiot one in the dust bowl only sure is borderline
[00:58:09] First of all the dust bowl is what Adam eats out of the breakfast because these
[00:58:20] Good recovery like for my smart you were not smart bitch. You didn't know shit in this conversation
[00:58:25] Why don't you put your tiny million arms back in your pockets?
[00:58:31] Stop googling because you're not gonna get an answer the dust bowl was in Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico
[00:58:38] I didn't say the dust bowl wasn't I just said that they're in California
[00:58:43] Texas barely I know they're in California the sound is like Kentucky and
[00:58:48] Wait, it was grapes or apples and Salinas. I thought it it suck penis
[00:58:57] Yeah, maybe I'm thinking it used to eat in the starts and Salinas
[00:59:01] That is used to be doing this. Yeah, what's the he wrote the book while he was writing used to be in the
[00:59:08] The the portrait of the art or no, that's no, that's Joyce. I
[00:59:14] Don't want to sit up anyway. Do you know anything?
[00:59:17] Confirming all of my shit you were wrong bitch. I wasn't wrong Texas in the south. It's its own shit
[00:59:26] Part of Mexico that's the south way. That's what I say to respect my mestizo brothers and sisters and listen to the show
[00:59:33] The south if I got any if I got any Zack dealer roc is out there. They're listening to
[00:59:39] To come town you know that I'm with you in saying that Texas excuse me. You mean Mexico
[00:59:44] Thank you. So yeah, California damn. They call me
[00:59:48] The verbal the verbal Banksy Zack D. La Roca coming through with some knowledge for your ass
[00:59:53] You were a big fan. I still like raging
[01:00:00] Killing in the name that Nina gets the pizza the Santa Maria
[01:00:05] Yeah, guess you's having a birthday party down at CC's pizza. That's a good classic lyrics
[01:00:12] My birthday by Rage Against the Machine
[01:00:17] So raise your fists and march around just don't take what you need
[01:00:20] Can I get some quarters so I can play need for speed? It's my CC's pizza birthday party and I'm Zack D. La Roca
[01:00:31] Afterwards we're going to Starbucks. I can get a frappuccino
[01:00:41] Beatdown for me for some reason I've never been a big fan of rap now that Nick said that rap
[01:00:47] I think I might be coming around absolutely. Yeah, Keith Overman is my biggest fan
[01:00:53] Damn Donald Trump. Why don't you dream PP?
[01:00:58] I'm an M&M stands for is me me just like you and your ego. You can go fuck yourself
[01:01:04] We all agree that was bad, right? I don't even listen to it. Yeah, it looks horrible
[01:01:10] M&M thing. Yeah, of course you didn't you listen to it
[01:01:13] I could not get through the first 30 seconds the awfully hot coffee pot. Yeah, it's brutal stick it on Donald Trump
[01:01:21] Yeah, man. It was like go back to talking about Christina. Go back to Africa M&M
[01:01:33] Yeah, I gotta go to fucking sleep. Yeah, it's 12 30 a.m. I want to say what up to Dana my old friend. Yeah
[01:01:45] Um good at you. Thanks guys. Yes. Thanks to the listeners too. Thank you. All right. You Adam. Good night