[00:00:00] Well, this is gonna be a check.

[00:00:03] This is gonna be a bad one because Adam refuses to do his job.

[00:00:08] His only job on the show, which is to go get us coffees.

[00:00:13] It's not true.

[00:00:16] Don't lie.

[00:00:17] Okay.

[00:00:18] Answer this.

[00:00:19] Are you willing to go get us coffees?

[00:00:21] I've gotten you coffee in the past.

[00:00:23] No, right now.

[00:00:25] While you just clocked in.

[00:00:27] You're gaming.

[00:00:28] I'm gaming out of frustration.

[00:00:30] I don't even want to be fucking gaming right now.

[00:00:33] You pissed me off so bad.

[00:00:35] I got to play battlefield.

[00:00:36] No, you're pissing virtual Turks.

[00:00:38] You're pissing me off by treating me like some sort of secretary.

[00:00:41] You don't get pissed off.

[00:00:44] You go on your period.

[00:00:46] Different when a girl does.

[00:00:47] Got him.

[00:00:48] Girls don't get pissed off.

[00:00:50] It's true.

[00:00:51] It's called PMS.

[00:00:52] You're having no thing or two.

[00:00:53] Girls don't pee.

[00:00:54] Then they eat chocolate.

[00:00:55] Yeah, you have to have a piece.

[00:00:57] You want to eat some chocolate chips?

[00:00:59] Yeah.

[00:01:00] Why don't you go to the fucking store and get some and get me a coffee.

[00:01:02] That is ridiculous.

[00:01:03] This is a big bad one.

[00:01:05] Your name is Grace and you're the secretary of come town.

[00:01:08] Yeah, and I'm I mean Nick's will.

[00:01:11] Yeah.

[00:01:12] I'm the secretary.

[00:01:13] I'm the secretary of the game.

[00:01:14] Stav is still Stav.

[00:01:15] No, I'm Karen with the big titties.

[00:01:17] I'm the secretary of the game.

[00:01:19] You're Will the gay guy.

[00:01:21] I'm Karen the drunk lady with big tits.

[00:01:23] No, you're fucking.

[00:01:24] You're a fucking mess.

[00:01:25] You're a beautiful one.

[00:01:26] You're the gayest one.

[00:01:27] No, I'm not Jack.

[00:01:28] You're Jack.

[00:01:29] You're Jack.

[00:01:30] You're Jack.

[00:01:31] No, I'm Grace.

[00:01:32] Nick is Will the regular gay guy.

[00:01:34] I'm Grace and I get fucked all the time.

[00:01:36] I catch so much cock.

[00:01:38] She did get a nice amount of cock in the show.

[00:01:40] I'm Debbie Messy.

[00:01:41] As a kid, I thought she was on the show like because the guys were gay and I thought she

[00:01:46] was supposed to be a lesbian because her breasts were so small.

[00:01:49] That's how it works.

[00:01:52] Gay guys don't have a dick.

[00:01:53] By a kid, I mean when I was 18.

[00:01:56] I was a 19 year old.

[00:02:00] That's true.

[00:02:02] Sometimes women's breasts are small and they have no choice other than to be lesbian.

[00:02:07] Really?

[00:02:08] In my perfect world, yes.

[00:02:10] So every little world that I might take care of.

[00:02:12] That sounds like something my dad would have told me as a kid.

[00:02:14] Yeah, well sometimes your dad's right.

[00:02:18] Very rarely.

[00:02:19] Sometimes you got to listen to your father, you know?

[00:02:21] Like when he says go get his coffees.

[00:02:24] First of all, you're not my father.

[00:02:25] I'm your boss, which is basically like a father.

[00:02:31] You're not my boss.

[00:02:32] Yeah, take that as you show.

[00:02:34] You tell him.

[00:02:35] Thanks.

[00:02:36] Stand up for yourself, man.

[00:02:37] Listen, Grace.

[00:02:38] I'm the secretary.

[00:02:39] Grace.

[00:02:40] No, I'm not going to tell you.

[00:02:42] You are Grace.

[00:02:43] You're right.

[00:02:44] Oh yeah.

[00:02:45] You look like shit.

[00:02:46] You need to go home and put on a dress.

[00:02:49] You have to come to the office with no makeup on.

[00:02:54] All the men are throwing on.

[00:02:55] All the men are supposed to come in their pants at work.

[00:02:58] Exactly.

[00:02:59] That's why, you know, because you know how like all the startups now have Xbox and shit

[00:03:02] in there?

[00:03:03] Yes.

[00:03:04] That's basically what women used to be in the office.

[00:03:05] And tax.

[00:03:06] Very true.

[00:03:07] There was something you could jack off to.

[00:03:08] Yes.

[00:03:09] Now that people are like, oh wow, isn't it so nice companies now have Xbox and you know.

[00:03:14] Tagerators.

[00:03:15] Dance Dance Revolution.

[00:03:16] It's like no, you used to be able to rape people.

[00:03:18] Back in the 50s.

[00:03:19] Yeah.

[00:03:20] Yeah.

[00:03:21] Imagine we mentioned that break room.

[00:03:22] Wow.

[00:03:23] Yeah.

[00:03:24] It's Jane from Madam and their big ass titties.

[00:03:25] You got to just put your cock in between them.

[00:03:26] It's Grace from come town.

[00:03:28] Never been stepping sex with her against her will.

[00:03:32] See, we fuck Adam as a bit.

[00:03:33] Yeah, we should.

[00:03:34] We're going to feed him to Tim.

[00:03:36] I beat off earlier.

[00:03:37] We're going to feed him.

[00:03:38] We're going to ask for a chance to him.

[00:03:39] Ask first.

[00:03:40] Yeah.

[00:03:41] I think Tim would probably want to suck his dick if I had to guess.

[00:03:43] Yeah.

[00:03:44] Tim's the bottom.

[00:03:45] And then imagine how you would feel.

[00:03:46] You'd feel the stubble on the sides of his cheeks on the way out to the edges of your

[00:03:51] hips.

[00:03:52] His head is the width of your body.

[00:03:56] Straight up his head.

[00:03:57] Literally your whole pelvis is Tim's foot.

[00:03:59] Imagine.

[00:04:00] Imagine is bristly cheeks rubbing against the sides of your thighs.

[00:04:02] Are you getting hard?

[00:04:04] Adam, I'm not getting hard.

[00:04:06] It looks like you're hard.

[00:04:07] I see your cock right now.

[00:04:08] Yeah.

[00:04:09] My carcass.

[00:04:10] I've got a microscope.

[00:04:11] Do you want me to take my pants off?

[00:04:12] I've got a high powered mic.

[00:04:14] I've got the microscope they use for the, uh, fuck.

[00:04:17] What's the, the Hadron Hadron Collider or some shit?

[00:04:21] Yeah.

[00:04:22] The little ass molecule.

[00:04:23] That's literally shit.

[00:04:24] Yeah.

[00:04:25] That's what I got a microscope.

[00:04:26] The Higgs boson.

[00:04:27] The Higgs boson.

[00:04:28] Yes.

[00:04:29] I got that microscope and I'm looking at your cock and I'm straining my eyes, but I see

[00:04:33] that it's hard.

[00:04:34] Well, I've got a talking about Tim fucking you.

[00:04:37] It's like in your dick.

[00:04:39] I've got a, um, I've got a picture of your dick.

[00:04:43] And yeah, they framed and having your living in my wallet.

[00:04:50] Adam also frames every bill in his wallet.

[00:04:53] That's a very sweet thing that he does.

[00:04:56] Every time he successfully disuses you to charge.

[00:04:58] You know, people have like the first dollar they've ever made.

[00:05:01] Adam does that with every single piece of currency that he has.

[00:05:04] This is the 43rd nickel frame dollar bills in his wallet that doesn't fold shut.

[00:05:10] That was shit is so stupid.

[00:05:12] I can't believe people would like frame the first there.

[00:05:15] What buttons are you pressing?

[00:05:16] $50.

[00:05:17] I just touched Amber's amplifier, but I didn't.

[00:05:21] Whoa.

[00:05:22] Yeah.

[00:05:23] Well, can I shred a little bit on come down?

[00:05:26] I think it's important.

[00:05:27] No, very forcefully for one fans.

[00:05:29] The fans have been asking for it.

[00:05:30] They've been saying fans have been asking anything we want more of.

[00:05:33] It's Adam gets are playing things.

[00:05:35] He thinks he's good.

[00:05:37] That is what everyone can't wait to hear more of Adam's.

[00:05:42] People love genius opinions that he remembers from college.

[00:05:46] And I didn't.

[00:05:50] People love when Mark Marin plays blues guitar on his.

[00:05:53] Yeah, this is so funny.

[00:05:54] What a fucking out of touch motherfucker.

[00:05:56] He's so bad.

[00:05:57] Because people want to hear him sing, dude.

[00:05:59] Come on, bro.

[00:06:01] Just do the interview.

[00:06:02] I'm going to stand why comedians can't just be fucking comedians.

[00:06:05] He's like it's just complains about having to do like theme shows or whatever.

[00:06:09] It's like the first second they have to be like, oh, well, we're going to we're putting

[00:06:14] on a debate.

[00:06:15] I know.

[00:06:16] And we need it.

[00:06:17] It makes no fucking sense.

[00:06:18] A public public genius clown to comment on a bar still a philosopher.

[00:06:22] Right.

[00:06:23] Exactly.

[00:06:24] Mark Marin's apparently coming out with a memoir.

[00:06:26] Oh, good.

[00:06:27] Yeah.

[00:06:28] You've talked about everything you've done.

[00:06:30] Like who the fuck wants to read your shit?

[00:06:32] Man, it's about what's in my head, man.

[00:06:34] I don't know.

[00:06:35] It's people who didn't start fucking until they were 27.

[00:06:39] He threw Louis under the bus.

[00:06:41] Real hoardy.

[00:06:42] Yeah.

[00:06:43] I mean, I don't listen to his podcast, but someone said like right after the Louis shit

[00:06:46] came out, he like made a whole public statement about like, I don't know what's in his head,

[00:06:53] man.

[00:06:54] I don't know what he said, but he threw him under the bus pretty hard.

[00:06:57] Well, I would do the same to you.

[00:07:00] No, you if I had found out that, you know, you know, maybe you shop lifted or I shot the

[00:07:05] line at Starbucks.

[00:07:07] I've done publicly condemn you.

[00:07:10] I've done both of those things possible.

[00:07:12] Well, you should publicly condemn me because I admit my good.

[00:07:15] You admit?

[00:07:16] And I apologize.

[00:07:17] So you can pretend to be a cool criminal.

[00:07:19] I am a cool one, one cool customer.

[00:07:22] You've never done a good crime.

[00:07:23] You got a real dangerous body boy.

[00:07:27] No, what's the worst crime you've ever done?

[00:07:30] Soft murder.

[00:07:31] No, first degree murder.

[00:07:36] Free meditated.

[00:07:37] Yeah, he's got you there.

[00:07:38] That was cool.

[00:07:39] Stop murdering somebody.

[00:07:40] That is what you've done has been rude at Starbucks to old women.

[00:07:44] Yep.

[00:07:45] I'm not rolling your eyes.

[00:07:46] I've been going like, yeah, I'm never explicitly rude.

[00:07:50] It's more of a psychological warfare.

[00:07:52] Oh, I see.

[00:07:53] You ice him out the silent treatment.

[00:07:54] No, it's not icing out.

[00:07:56] It's killing them with kindness.

[00:07:57] Oh, I have a very specific strategy that I go into.

[00:08:01] If someone's being impatient, I offer them nice things in order to make them feel even

[00:08:07] worse.

[00:08:08] Like what?

[00:08:09] I don't know.

[00:08:10] A good example is like, if someone's like, wait, this happened one time when I was at

[00:08:17] eating a meal with friends of mine, someone was like waiting.

[00:08:20] It was like first come first serve seating and he was waiting right up on our table.

[00:08:24] Like while we were before we got the check, just right up on our table and I wasn't going

[00:08:29] to finish my sandwich, so I offered him the rest of my sandwich.

[00:08:32] Nice.

[00:08:33] That's how I engage in psychological warfare.

[00:08:35] Damn, dude.

[00:08:36] That's really nice of you.

[00:08:37] See, I did a nice thing.

[00:08:38] That wasn't nice.

[00:08:39] You were being a dick.

[00:08:40] You were clearly being a dick.

[00:08:43] There was no even nice there.

[00:08:44] He was not being nice by fucking like impatiently standing up on our table.

[00:08:48] Dude, shut up.

[00:08:49] What do you mean shut up?

[00:08:51] Shut up, dude.

[00:08:52] You should show me some of that whole story.

[00:08:55] It was sucked.

[00:08:56] You didn't even say anything.

[00:08:58] You didn't suck.

[00:08:59] It wasn't even a good example of what he was talking about.

[00:09:01] I was imparting some knowledge on the stop and if you took five minutes to listen, maybe

[00:09:05] you could have learned something.

[00:09:06] I didn't learn shit and I'll never learn anything by the way.

[00:09:09] Well, that's fine.

[00:09:10] I respect that.

[00:09:11] Learning is gay.

[00:09:12] Man, I can't wait till we can just convert this into a Twitch stream instead of a podcast.

[00:09:16] Maybe.

[00:09:17] Can you stop gaming?

[00:09:18] Can we just do the show?

[00:09:19] I think the show is going fine, actually.

[00:09:21] It's not going.

[00:09:22] The show is actually going better than it normally does.

[00:09:24] And you know what's interesting?

[00:09:26] So is my gaming.

[00:09:27] I'm pretty fucking well right now.

[00:09:29] Are you?

[00:09:30] I think my problem is that I'm such a disciplined person that I focus too hard sometimes.

[00:09:37] Absolutely.

[00:09:38] I would say the one problem with our podcast is that we focus on it.

[00:09:42] Yeah, I think if I put less effort in everything in my life, I'm going easier for you.

[00:09:49] Because I'm such a perfectionist.

[00:09:51] Oh, yeah.

[00:09:52] That's why half the time I look down and my zipper is completely up.

[00:09:57] It's perfectly open throughout the day.

[00:09:59] You want to perfectly open it.

[00:10:00] You have your mind on other things.

[00:10:02] Right.

[00:10:03] It's because I'm doing fucking really hard math problems.

[00:10:05] Yep.

[00:10:06] I keep it open to get a little errand on my cock.

[00:10:08] Yeah.

[00:10:09] A little fresh air.

[00:10:10] Why is that like such an embarrassing thing?

[00:10:12] Your penis isn't showing.

[00:10:13] If your fly is down, everyone's like, oh, yours isn't because it's microscopic.

[00:10:17] Yeah.

[00:10:18] But other people.

[00:10:19] Well, no, also because I'm wearing underpants.

[00:10:21] No.

[00:10:22] My cock.

[00:10:23] That's not true.

[00:10:24] My cock will rip through any boxer brief if it's not held back by a zipper.

[00:10:27] That's patently false.

[00:10:28] Why is it embarrassing that they have no clothes on?

[00:10:31] You know?

[00:10:32] If you really want to get into it.

[00:10:33] Why is being naked embarrassing?

[00:10:35] We should do a naked episode.

[00:10:37] We're doing one right now.

[00:10:38] Yeah.

[00:10:39] Well, that's what's going to save comedy is convert all the shows to naked, naked, stand

[00:10:43] up shows.

[00:10:44] Yeah.

[00:10:45] Whatever did happen to them.

[00:10:46] No, it's going to happen is nobody's going to watch Charlie Rose anymore because he's

[00:10:47] a rapist.

[00:10:48] Dude, that was one of the fun.

[00:10:49] So we're going to have to save the ratings by having naked Charlie Rose.

[00:10:52] Naked interviews.

[00:10:53] Yeah.

[00:10:54] Mm.

[00:10:55] See his old loose ass balls.

[00:10:56] Oh, he's got some low ass balls.

[00:10:58] Everybody wins.

[00:10:59] Yeah.

[00:11:00] Body pods.

[00:11:01] And they're red as shit.

[00:11:02] Oh, yeah.

[00:11:03] Not only is he old, but he's from the south.

[00:11:04] His balls are red and sweaty.

[00:11:05] He just had that.

[00:11:06] Yeah.

[00:11:07] Humid summer.

[00:11:08] Summer time.

[00:11:09] The probably plump is hell.

[00:11:10] Yeah.

[00:11:11] From all the, all the, like all the humidity.

[00:11:12] Yeah.

[00:11:13] Like to Georgia peaches.

[00:11:14] You know how, yeah.

[00:11:15] You know how like wood gets warped if it's too humid.

[00:11:16] That's probably his balls are fucking fucked up and warped.

[00:11:19] Yeah.

[00:11:20] That's my, they have their own rocking chair.

[00:11:22] Oh, yeah.

[00:11:23] That's underneath the table.

[00:11:26] Mm hmm.

[00:11:27] You know, a little guy.

[00:11:28] That's what that creaking noise is whenever you watch.

[00:11:30] I can't imagine his balls like Charlie Rose or his balls like, um, you know that like,

[00:11:35] what is that?

[00:11:36] You know the thing where you take like a metal ball and you, you fucking take it and then

[00:11:41] loosen ball things.

[00:11:43] That's how his balls are.

[00:11:45] What that they're like, you know, like a pendulum thing.

[00:11:48] Yeah.

[00:11:49] At all times.

[00:11:50] Because he's on the rocking chair.

[00:11:51] Oh, I'm sorry.

[00:11:52] But he only has two balls.

[00:11:53] He's like five balls.

[00:11:55] Yeah.

[00:11:56] No, he does.

[00:11:57] I'm starting to get sick to my son.

[00:12:00] How would you rate, how would you rate your gaming like at Battlefield?

[00:12:04] Oh.

[00:12:05] Are you above average average intermediate average average?

[00:12:09] Yeah, I'm not particularly compared to people online.

[00:12:12] Yeah, I'm not particularly.

[00:12:13] Do you ever run into someone online?

[00:12:14] It's like, wow, that's a genius.

[00:12:16] That guy is amazing.

[00:12:17] No, it's always children.

[00:12:19] It's just you against.

[00:12:20] Yeah.

[00:12:21] Well, kids have faster reflexes than adults do.

[00:12:23] Oh, shit.

[00:12:24] Really?

[00:12:25] I'm a fucking old man.

[00:12:26] That was the premise of Ender's game.

[00:12:28] Really?

[00:12:29] Yeah.

[00:12:30] Oh, damn.

[00:12:31] Sounds pretty good.

[00:12:32] We should watch it.

[00:12:33] No, the movie sucks.

[00:12:34] But I love that book when I was a kid.

[00:12:36] Especially when I found out it was homophobic.

[00:12:40] Rear enders game.

[00:12:41] Yeah.

[00:12:42] How about gender's games?

[00:12:43] Yeah.

[00:12:44] Yeah.

[00:12:45] Yeah.

[00:12:46] Everyone's friends.

[00:12:47] Yep.

[00:12:48] You drive that spaceship into a big aliens cock and cut it off.

[00:12:53] Maybe that is what happens at the end of the book.

[00:12:55] It cuts off an aliens day and sucks it.

[00:12:59] He sucks.

[00:13:01] But this remember day.

[00:13:03] Yeah, that happens.

[00:13:05] That happens in the book, stop.

[00:13:08] Whoa, stop.

[00:13:09] It looks like you're about to read a book.

[00:13:12] That's pretty funny, dude.

[00:13:15] This remember green ass alien dude.

[00:13:18] That is a lovely idea of like the podcast editing, the blog falling out and stopping

[00:13:23] off just laughing to himself, reading children's books on the bus.

[00:13:27] This is pretty good.

[00:13:29] This is a pretty funny book where they cut off an aliens day and someone sucks it.

[00:13:35] This guy is saying good night to the moon.

[00:13:39] What an idiot.

[00:13:40] Fuck, dude.

[00:13:41] I can't wait for the next sequel in the alien franchise.

[00:13:45] They just keep going further and further back in time.

[00:13:48] Right.

[00:13:49] In the alien.

[00:13:50] Yeah.

[00:13:51] They find out that way way back instead of the aliens making us, you know, it was a guy

[00:13:57] who found an alien and he cut off his dick and he sucked it.

[00:14:03] Even that kind of text.

[00:14:05] It's good again, baby.

[00:14:07] That sounds like a pretty good movie.

[00:14:10] God damn it.

[00:14:12] It's called alien penis.

[00:14:15] Wow.

[00:14:16] Alien colon penis.

[00:14:18] Alien colon erection.

[00:14:20] Fuck.

[00:14:21] So wait, you said the aliens made up.

[00:14:24] Did you guys see alien circumcision?

[00:14:26] It was pretty good.

[00:14:29] Is that the premise of that movie that the aliens made us actually?

[00:14:31] About the born erection.

[00:14:33] That's good.

[00:14:34] It's a baby with a heartache.

[00:14:35] I can't remember.

[00:14:36] I have this bone.

[00:14:37] Okay.

[00:14:38] I like that.

[00:14:39] It's really hard.

[00:14:40] I can't remember.

[00:14:41] He knows who he is completely though.

[00:14:42] He just doesn't remember why it's hard.

[00:14:43] Yeah.

[00:14:44] Yeah.

[00:14:45] Yeah.

[00:14:46] My name is Jason Bourne.

[00:14:53] I'm fully aware of everything.

[00:14:56] This Cooper is like, it's just this goddamn that is important for government program to

[00:15:02] get people hard.

[00:15:03] You got to get back to the scene.

[00:15:05] I come home right now, Jason.

[00:15:07] You know, walk around with your dick hard like that.

[00:15:10] You think it'd be like a permahorn dick or even if he jerks it off, it stays hard?

[00:15:15] Damn.

[00:15:16] Well, that's what makes him a special secret weapon and not just a regular gun.

[00:15:20] That's cool.

[00:15:21] Yes.

[00:15:22] He fucks for the government.

[00:15:23] Yeah.

[00:15:24] Dude, that would be a prison.

[00:15:25] If you could never get a soft dick, imagine being always hard and you're always thinking

[00:15:29] about fucking...

[00:15:30] That's a real thing.

[00:15:31] That'd be terrible.

[00:15:32] Probably.

[00:15:33] The only place I have in his life.

[00:15:35] What do you mean being a dick?

[00:15:36] In high school, my friend?

[00:15:37] Yeah, I mean being a dick.

[00:15:38] Yeah, because to me, being straight is always being hard.

[00:15:41] That's the definition of being a dick.

[00:15:44] I don't know, man.

[00:15:45] The only time I have bliss is when I've...

[00:15:48] After I've beat off for like seven minutes.

[00:15:50] My friend popped up in the Viagra when we were like at a sleepover and we were like 14.

[00:15:54] Because he had to suck each other to take some money.

[00:15:55] No, and he was like hard for hours.

[00:15:56] He was like, guys, let's play alien.

[00:15:59] Cut off my dick.

[00:16:01] No, he was like freaking out.

[00:16:05] Wait, why did he do that?

[00:16:06] It was just...

[00:16:07] He was just joking.

[00:16:08] He like stole it from his dad.

[00:16:09] Yeah.

[00:16:10] As a joke.

[00:16:11] Was this guy gay?

[00:16:12] Was this the 300 guy?

[00:16:13] No, no, that guy was in college.

[00:16:14] No.

[00:16:15] Brian.

[00:16:16] So as a joke, this 14 year old took a Viagra.

[00:16:18] And we might have been 13 even.

[00:16:20] What?

[00:16:21] We were young.

[00:16:22] Yeah, yeah.

[00:16:23] Do you think he fucked any of these?

[00:16:24] How about this dude, Guyagra.

[00:16:25] And it's just for guys.

[00:16:27] Yep.

[00:16:28] Guyagra?

[00:16:29] Yeah.

[00:16:30] No girls are loud, dude.

[00:16:31] No girls are loud.

[00:16:32] You're not allowed to take this drug.

[00:16:33] It's guys only.

[00:16:34] What would happen?

[00:16:35] Yummy.

[00:16:36] What would happen if a woman took Viagra?

[00:16:41] She'd get blood rushed to her pussy.

[00:16:44] Her pussy would get plumped up.

[00:16:46] They've made him before they vote, I think.

[00:16:48] What's that?

[00:16:49] They make him before they vote.

[00:16:50] I don't think women are allowed to vote unless they pop a Viagra.

[00:16:52] Mm-hmm.

[00:16:53] Makes sense.

[00:16:54] Yeah.

[00:16:55] She sets out to Bob Dole, former Viagra sponsor.

[00:16:58] Yeah.

[00:16:59] Or M. Pepsi.

[00:17:00] M. Pepsi.

[00:17:01] That's how he would calm down afterwards.

[00:17:03] I'm Bob Dole.

[00:17:04] There's one thing I love that's having an interaction in drinking in a Pepsi Cola.

[00:17:08] Yeah, he didn't bother the same time.

[00:17:10] That's a while to lose president and then just to get on a commercial and tell people

[00:17:15] you can't get hard.

[00:17:16] Yeah.

[00:17:17] Yeah, but remember that?

[00:17:18] Because I guess we're old enough to remember.

[00:17:21] It used to be that you got old enough where your dick just didn't work anymore.

[00:17:24] Yeah.

[00:17:25] And you were free.

[00:17:26] And then you got into whittling.

[00:17:27] You got into sitting on the porch and whittling.

[00:17:30] Putting your thumbs.

[00:17:31] Yeah.

[00:17:32] Viagra came out and it was like, I guess that's a whole thing that was just true as a part

[00:17:37] of your life just stopped existing.

[00:17:39] Yep.

[00:17:40] Must be amazing.

[00:17:41] You keep fucking with that chemical ass weird Viagra dick.

[00:17:46] Damn.

[00:17:47] Yo, I stopped taking that at all.

[00:17:49] And I got to say my dick's getting nice and hard again.

[00:17:51] Yeah, because it fucks with your circulation.

[00:17:53] I had a real stiff one recently.

[00:17:56] Really?

[00:17:57] Yeah.

[00:17:58] It was pretty good.

[00:17:59] Really proud of you.

[00:18:00] Yeah, I was proud of you.

[00:18:01] Did you give a little pat?

[00:18:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:18:03] It's a good dick.

[00:18:04] Yeah, yeah.

[00:18:05] Just to have.

[00:18:06] It was nice lighting too.

[00:18:07] I told you guys right the first time a girl asked me for a dick.

[00:18:09] I didn't know that you were supposed to get hard.

[00:18:12] That happened every time he had sex.

[00:18:16] No, that's like, I thought it was hard when you saw something you don't like.

[00:18:22] So that's why I would look at naked men.

[00:18:24] It's like, it used to be soft.

[00:18:27] For girls.

[00:18:28] If you hated it, it throws up.

[00:18:30] It's spits.

[00:18:31] It's supposed to be soft.

[00:18:32] It's supposed to be nice and soft.

[00:18:35] That's everyone doesn't like something soft.

[00:18:37] I thought it gets hard when it's scared and angry of other men.

[00:18:42] I thought it was body.

[00:18:44] That's what I say.

[00:18:46] I'm in the locker room.

[00:18:47] I say, get away from me.

[00:18:49] I'm pointing at the people I want to leave me alone.

[00:18:53] I'm pointing at their rock hard bodies.

[00:18:56] That was a good one.

[00:18:59] Pretty funny.

[00:19:00] Yeah, we have fun here, Grace.

[00:19:02] It's a fun one.

[00:19:03] Yeah, Grace.

[00:19:04] You can turn off the music for the battlefield.

[00:19:06] Excuse me.

[00:19:07] Excuse me, but I have not finished gaming.

[00:19:10] Come on, dude.

[00:19:13] Could you turn the mind down a little bit?

[00:19:15] No, the fans want to hear what's going on in the game.

[00:19:20] You don't want to fucking have them lose context and understand the severity of World

[00:19:24] War.

[00:19:25] Nick is now in Ottoman Turkey.

[00:19:28] I think this is itchitalia.

[00:19:31] Itchitalia.

[00:19:32] Itchitalia.

[00:19:33] Itchitalia.

[00:19:34] It's pronounced in their language.

[00:19:36] Yo, did you know, I think the Arab airline bought allitalia.

[00:19:41] Emirates?

[00:19:42] I think Emirates bought allitalia.

[00:19:44] And now they're wearing like...

[00:19:45] Oh, my God.

[00:19:46] Yeah, it's weird.

[00:19:47] They got the same outfit, but it's in green.

[00:19:50] I want to fly Emirates.

[00:19:51] Apparently it's really nice.

[00:19:52] I want to fly.

[00:19:53] I want to hijack an Emirates plane and fly it into their favorite building.

[00:19:56] Yeah.

[00:19:57] See how they like it.

[00:19:58] Yeah, dude.

[00:19:59] Whatever they do, the camel races.

[00:20:00] No, they're wherever the camel market is.

[00:20:04] No, these are the same.

[00:20:06] This is not acceptable.

[00:20:07] Yeah.

[00:20:08] The World Turban Center.

[00:20:09] How about that, folks?

[00:20:11] We will.

[00:20:12] We will.

[00:20:13] I hope some fucking dumbass redneck tries to hijack an Emirates plane.

[00:20:23] Flies into a Sikh temple.

[00:20:24] Into the Taj Mahal.

[00:20:27] God, that would be awesome.

[00:20:31] He flies it back into the new World Trade Center because he thinks he's going to be

[00:20:36] the entire thing.

[00:20:37] He's the ground zero, Moss.

[00:20:40] Yeah.

[00:20:41] Oh, fuck.

[00:20:42] Damn.

[00:20:43] Do you think you could fly a plane?

[00:20:49] How long do you think you could keep a plane up in the air?

[00:20:51] If it was a really nice fly.

[00:20:53] They pretty much fly on the road.

[00:20:54] Yeah, it's all like automated.

[00:20:55] Yeah, taking off and landing is the hard part.

[00:20:57] Interesting.

[00:20:58] Yeah, I was thinking about getting my pilots license last year.

[00:21:01] You going to do it?

[00:21:03] Maybe.

[00:21:04] Seems dangerous, dude.

[00:21:05] No, it's not.

[00:21:06] I mean, you get like a, I think it's called like a sports license or a sportsman license.

[00:21:11] Would you do fucking barrel rolls and shit?

[00:21:13] No, I don't think they let you do that.

[00:21:14] That would be awesome though.

[00:21:16] No, they'd only cost like, I think like five to six grand to be a pilot.

[00:21:20] To be a pilot.

[00:21:21] Yeah, to get like, you know, all your hours or whatever.

[00:21:24] And then what you buy your own plane and shit?

[00:21:27] Uh, yeah, I guess eventually.

[00:21:29] Should you get a sasmat dude?

[00:21:30] Yeah, is that what I should get?

[00:21:31] Yeah.

[00:21:32] But wouldn't it just be easier to just fly a commercial?

[00:21:36] No, I mean, it's not.

[00:21:38] It's not for transport.

[00:21:40] It's for a hobby.

[00:21:41] Oh yeah, I got spots tonight.

[00:21:42] So I got to leave at 11 a.m. so I could be at the airfield flying to Midtown.

[00:21:49] Go to prison for landing my plane.

[00:21:52] What have you got a helicopter though?

[00:21:54] Helicopter.

[00:21:55] I don't know.

[00:21:56] I don't know about the helicopter training program.

[00:21:59] I've never looked into it.

[00:22:00] I would imagine it's a lot harder.

[00:22:02] Yeah, it seems harder.

[00:22:04] You can just take off wherever though, dude.

[00:22:06] Yeah, go straight up in the air.

[00:22:08] That is true.

[00:22:09] What I should get is one of those like buy you hovercrafts.

[00:22:12] Oh, fan boat.

[00:22:14] Yeah, one of those big ass fan boats.

[00:22:16] That would be awesome, dude.

[00:22:18] Just fucking ride that motherfucker with your shirt open.

[00:22:21] Yeah, flapping in the wind.

[00:22:22] Just imagine me showing up to open mics and everyone's like, oh my God, who's that?

[00:22:27] Who's that guy?

[00:22:29] He has his own hovercraft.

[00:22:33] Is that dark wing duck?

[00:22:36] I want a fuck dark wing duck.

[00:22:38] Oh, yeah.

[00:22:39] And that's that's my future.

[00:22:40] Put that whole big hat in my pussy, dark wing duck.

[00:22:43] Put your pink in my pussy and open it like this.

[00:22:47] Like a speculum.

[00:22:50] Give me a pap smear, dark wing duck.

[00:22:52] He's just got.

[00:22:53] Oh, no, you did.

[00:22:54] I had to put the controller down.

[00:22:56] You got fire 77 just stabbed you bitch.

[00:22:59] You got a fucking fire.

[00:23:00] Into the knife.

[00:23:02] Assault order of La Fiverr.

[00:23:04] La la Si, right guys?

[00:23:09] Yeah, la la la.

[00:23:11] Why did that shit?

[00:23:13] Because of that.

[00:23:15] That shit.

[00:23:16] Like the most popular shit of all time.

[00:23:18] That flash animation.

[00:23:19] Yeah.

[00:23:20] Was it just saying love whatever the end of the world was that it?

[00:23:23] I don't know.

[00:23:24] That was what it was.

[00:23:25] Speaking of the game, speaking of one of the gayest jokes of all time, the fucking.

[00:23:30] Every joke you've ever written.

[00:23:31] The cold.

[00:23:32] Yeah, thank you.

[00:23:33] The cold pockets.

[00:23:34] Nick, you're not on Twitter.

[00:23:35] See you missed this.

[00:23:36] Oh, yeah.

[00:23:37] Did you see that shit?

[00:23:38] No, Twitter hasn't been funny for years.

[00:23:39] No, I'm not taken over by people that aren't actually funny and they just repeat the same

[00:23:42] thing over and over.

[00:23:43] Yeah, fine.

[00:23:44] Yeah, you're right.

[00:23:45] You're right about that.

[00:23:46] But no, this.

[00:23:48] So why are we still talking about it if I'm right about it?

[00:23:50] No, no, no, but we're not talking about something.

[00:23:52] That's a very good point.

[00:23:53] Good ass point.

[00:23:54] Thanks.

[00:23:55] You're right.

[00:23:56] So I can just go out there.

[00:23:58] Yeah, they should suck though.

[00:23:59] He's respected and he's allowed to finish sentences.

[00:24:02] Dude, because he has tremendous respect.

[00:24:03] I'm a fucking alpha motherfucker.

[00:24:05] Oh, it's not about.

[00:24:06] I don't do respect.

[00:24:07] I only do disrespect.

[00:24:09] So you're disrespecting me because you respect me?

[00:24:12] Yeah, it's like how heat is the absence of cold or the other way around.

[00:24:17] Cold is the absence of heat.

[00:24:18] Yes.

[00:24:19] Adam, what did we say about you saying science on the show?

[00:24:23] Dude, I don't know.

[00:24:24] I'm not allowed to do it.

[00:24:25] Yeah.

[00:24:26] I might be.

[00:24:27] My respect is the absence of disrespect because you're taking all the disrespect or the gravitational

[00:24:32] orb of how disrespect can I tell you something?

[00:24:35] Something both something sensitive right now.

[00:24:37] Yeah, in front of the audience.

[00:24:38] Yeah, I respect both of you.

[00:24:40] Tremendous respect.

[00:24:42] That's cool, I guess.

[00:24:43] Anyway, yeah, that cold pockets thing was, I don't know, some gay shit like someone was

[00:24:48] like, this is the funniest fucking thing.

[00:24:51] It's cold.

[00:24:52] It's like absurdist humor is so much.

[00:24:54] He said, no, no, no old man, white man comedian who's upset about PC culture has ever made

[00:25:03] a joke as funny as this cold pockets Photoshop or someone changed a box of hot pockets to

[00:25:10] say cold pockets.

[00:25:12] Yeah, it was so fucking stupid.

[00:25:15] I don't know why everyone.

[00:25:16] And the reason absurdist humor is so popular today is because it doesn't hurt anyone.

[00:25:22] Right, right, right.

[00:25:23] Yeah, so many sent me the picture of the Burlington Cheese Coat Factory and everyone was like,

[00:25:30] I mean, it got retweeted like 10 million times.

[00:25:34] Okay, yeah, exactly.

[00:25:36] It's like, all right, like I'll see this and be like, yeah, like, is this a strong joke?

[00:25:45] I don't fucking get it.

[00:25:46] Yeah, that shit was also not a good joke.

[00:25:48] It's just how about it's just cold.

[00:25:49] It's the opposite HBO funny.

[00:25:51] HBO special, right?

[00:25:54] It's like one night stand special.

[00:25:56] It's an hour long and it starts and like it starts and there's like a severely handicapped,

[00:26:03] you know, I don't know, train, you know, throw it, throw it, make it as many as you can.

[00:26:08] And then it's them backstage and it's like, you know, they're just like catatonic in the

[00:26:13] chair.

[00:26:14] And they're staring at the keyboard and it's like, I have been living for this moment or

[00:26:32] my entire life is for you, mom, both of you.

[00:26:51] Oh, lesbian mom.

[00:26:52] Both my mom's for you.

[00:26:58] And then, you know, they kick open the emergency exit door and then they go out on stage and

[00:27:03] the special begins crowds roaring, right?

[00:27:06] You know, they're laughing.

[00:27:07] They're already like, this is the greatest community in the world.

[00:27:09] Once we've gotten rid of all the white man comedians.

[00:27:12] This is the best.

[00:27:13] It's a Christmas.

[00:27:14] Madison Square.

[00:27:15] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:27:16] It's a triple transgender.

[00:27:17] And then just screaming at the top of the lung.

[00:27:19] And then we see, you know, a far shot.

[00:27:21] We see the whole audience and the chair is slowly making its way to the middle of the

[00:27:26] stage.

[00:27:28] 49 minutes later, the chair finally reaches it over the stage.

[00:27:38] And then they say, it's like hot pockets.

[00:27:49] Cold pocket produced by Dave Becky, executive producer Harvey Weinstein.

[00:28:01] Special thanks to Louis C. K. HBO One Nightstand.

[00:28:08] Yeah, that's it's that's that's good, man.

[00:28:10] Yeah, that's the future.

[00:28:12] I saw that.

[00:28:13] Yeah.

[00:28:14] What's this LeBron James got ejected in the game.

[00:28:16] He's playing it right now.

[00:28:17] He got a Jackie first time in the game.

[00:28:19] Everyone beat off all the bro.

[00:28:20] It was a bukkake.

[00:28:21] Everyone lined up and beat off in his arms.

[00:28:23] Horrible, LeBron James.

[00:28:26] Even the refs beat off in his mouth.

[00:28:28] Yeah, that's the hardest part about being a basketball player is getting ejaculated.

[00:28:34] If the rest ref really pisses you off, you can get ejaculated.

[00:28:38] Yeah, man, imagine being like in a bukkake, like waiting to beat off on someone and you're

[00:28:43] like eighth.

[00:28:44] Yeah, that's got to be horrible, unhorrible feeling.

[00:28:47] Like the runt of the bukkake.

[00:28:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:28:51] He's waiting.

[00:28:52] He can't he can't suck any of the cum tus.

[00:29:00] Yeah, I don't know, man.

[00:29:04] Who wants to beat off?

[00:29:05] You're just sitting there.

[00:29:06] You're watching it.

[00:29:08] You're looking at other guys beating off in preparation.

[00:29:10] Maybe that's your thing.

[00:29:12] It's not my thing.

[00:29:15] I mean, the cookies are kind of for the viewer.

[00:29:17] It's not really for anybody there.

[00:29:18] I know, but it's strange to be.

[00:29:21] But those guys are even like less than that.

[00:29:24] Less also part of like traditional Japanese culture.

[00:29:26] That's true.

[00:29:27] I am being a samurai did come up with it.

[00:29:31] Even less extreme.

[00:29:32] I don't know.

[00:29:33] I don't think I could do a devil's three way.

[00:29:36] Absolutely not.

[00:29:37] Just because of the slapping, you know, just hearing a guy's balls go back like slapping

[00:29:43] on his gooch on her ass and her thought.

[00:29:45] I mean, it's all respect.

[00:29:47] If that's your thing, if that's your thing.

[00:29:49] No, I don't think the three way that Adam is the guy fucks him in the ass.

[00:29:53] No, it's not a strap on the fuck's mouth.

[00:29:56] Adam's like, I had a threesome.

[00:29:59] I had a threesome.

[00:30:01] Me and my girlfriend is hot guy.

[00:30:03] She read a magazine in the corner of the room while I suck this dick.

[00:30:07] Sarah used to do a bit about that.

[00:30:10] Oh, really?

[00:30:11] Yeah, about dating a gay guy.

[00:30:12] Yeah, she literally did date a gay guy.

[00:30:14] Yeah, he was like sucking it other guys dick and crying.

[00:30:17] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:30:18] Like realizing he was gay.

[00:30:20] So funny.

[00:30:21] That is pretty good.

[00:30:24] Just like you.

[00:30:25] I didn't realize Sarah, you and Sarah dated.

[00:30:27] We didn't do.

[00:30:28] Yeah.

[00:30:29] Because that's who that bit is about you.

[00:30:30] Yeah.

[00:30:31] She goes, I use the date to this guy.

[00:30:35] We'll call him Grace.

[00:30:37] Damn son, Adam's gay.

[00:30:46] Yeah.

[00:30:47] So I guess the two big things we need to talk about.

[00:30:50] Yes, of course.

[00:30:51] Bitcoin crypto through the goddamn room.

[00:30:54] Stop it.

[00:30:55] I have a lot of.

[00:30:56] I sold.

[00:30:57] Yep.

[00:30:58] I got a lot of points on the package.

[00:31:00] I sold.

[00:31:01] I have a million dollars.

[00:31:02] Well, it's funny because neither of you have any money in crypto.

[00:31:05] And we both know I have just cleared $250,000 zero on my investments.

[00:31:11] Yeah.

[00:31:12] It's true.

[00:31:13] You're going to put the show about it because I don't want my shit to get hacked.

[00:31:16] Yeah, yeah.

[00:31:17] You're right.

[00:31:18] The only thing I buy is electronics.

[00:31:19] I literally went to.

[00:31:21] The amount of money.

[00:31:23] I know you can just say, you know, oh yeah, if you had done something, whatever.

[00:31:27] Literally the purchases I would have given.

[00:31:30] I would have made $50,000 by now.

[00:31:33] How did I bought when I sold?

[00:31:34] The sum.

[00:31:35] Coming back from LA when you learned about it.

[00:31:38] You were talking about a lot.

[00:31:39] I didn't learn about it then.

[00:31:40] I just stopped paying attention to it for years.

[00:31:42] Yeah.

[00:31:43] I really just only ever really paid attention to Bitcoin and maybe Litecoin.

[00:31:47] Also, I never had any money.

[00:31:50] Right.

[00:31:51] So it was like, wow, would it be amazing if I had $100?

[00:31:56] I still don't understand what the fuck it is.

[00:31:59] You could use it to buy shit, but you buy it with dollars.

[00:32:03] Yeah, dude.

[00:32:04] It's so sick.

[00:32:05] I don't get it.

[00:32:06] If you had a bunch of Bitcoin, couldn't you just buy shit with a Bitcoin?

[00:32:09] Just imagine it like a security and then it's like, I mean, it's something you can fucking

[00:32:15] invest in.

[00:32:16] I don't know what a security is either.

[00:32:18] Like a stock.

[00:32:19] Okay.

[00:32:20] Yeah.

[00:32:21] I know what a stock is.

[00:32:22] But you're investing in a computer algorithm.

[00:32:26] It seems crazy.

[00:32:28] And then that neutrality, that's the other thing people want to talk about.

[00:32:31] When it's isn't it the fucking the coin that Mario gets?

[00:32:36] Is that what a Bitcoin is?

[00:32:37] No, it's digital.

[00:32:39] Maybe sonic.

[00:32:41] Come coin is Adam's Jewish comedian character.

[00:32:46] I do.

[00:32:47] Which is just him.

[00:32:48] Hey, it's me.

[00:32:51] Adam Bitcoin, Jewish comedian.

[00:32:55] Flick and nickel Adam.

[00:32:56] It does good for you.

[00:32:57] It's my Jewish my traditional.

[00:32:59] It's a Jewish family named Bitcoin.

[00:33:01] I have a sense of Joe.

[00:33:03] We were the clowns of the bank.

[00:33:04] We would live in and we lived in the bank and we would say, how about this weather?

[00:33:11] I don't know whether or not I should go outside.

[00:33:17] Bitcoin.

[00:33:18] Bitcoin.

[00:33:19] Bitcoin.

[00:33:20] And then Jesus came in.

[00:33:21] He's like, that shit fucking sucks, dude.

[00:33:22] It's not funny.

[00:33:23] Stop doing business.

[00:33:24] Yeah, that's what it was.

[00:33:30] And then I said to the Romans, I said, you know, I'm not going to tell you to, but if

[00:33:37] you wanted to kill him, I'm not going to.

[00:33:41] It's not my idea would be your idea and you would have to go through.

[00:33:45] Pochus word from the title tale race.

[00:33:47] It's a man named Jesus going around doing shit at the bank or something.

[00:33:53] I said, I don't know.

[00:33:54] Yeah, why did they get him got?

[00:33:57] Because he said he was the king of the Jews and they said that wasn't chill.

[00:34:00] Nah, he wasn't paying taxes.

[00:34:02] Oh, really?

[00:34:03] Cool.

[00:34:04] Tax evasion.

[00:34:05] Yeah.

[00:34:06] That's what I get.

[00:34:07] He's just libertarian.

[00:34:08] Yeah, libertarian Jesus.

[00:34:09] Ron.

[00:34:10] Tevertarian Jesus.

[00:34:11] Jesus.

[00:34:12] Someone to defend that neutrality for no reason other than to be an autistic principle.

[00:34:21] Look and retard the things.

[00:34:23] The end of net neutrality is good.

[00:34:25] Wait, does some libertarians think net neutrality is good?

[00:34:27] No, well, they don't like net neutrality.

[00:34:29] What?

[00:34:30] How does that make any sense?

[00:34:32] They're against regulation.

[00:34:33] Oh, they're against the government.

[00:34:35] But so, oh, okay.

[00:34:36] So they think they should be able to charge a hundred dollars to use Twitter or whatever.

[00:34:40] Yeah, yeah.

[00:34:41] They're like in favor of that?

[00:34:42] They're in favor of the market deciding the best way for consumers to access.

[00:34:47] That's hilarious.

[00:34:48] Well, what's stupid?

[00:34:49] They think that phones shouldn't be like a public utility.

[00:34:53] Yeah, I don't think I mean, I'm not, I don't know what they think about phone lines, but

[00:34:59] I mean, it's not so like general, the idea is yes, everything should be deregulated.

[00:35:04] So the idea is that the internet is a communications tool, right?

[00:35:09] So that's why people want net neutrality.

[00:35:10] No, it's like the phone.

[00:35:13] Well, yeah, there was a piece of legislation that makes the FCC regard internet companies

[00:35:23] as public utilities.

[00:35:25] And as public utilities, they're not allowed to throttle connections or, you know, give,

[00:35:34] I guess, precedence on the network to like one, right, right, one, you know, I can't just

[00:35:40] be like, yeah, we've, we don't fuck with net fraud.

[00:35:43] It's not a Netflix.

[00:35:44] So their speed is going to be lower or whatever.

[00:35:46] Right.

[00:35:47] Exactly.

[00:35:48] And I guess the arguments, there's, I mean, many, but you know, that like, oh, well, if,

[00:35:52] you know, you don't like what they're doing, you can just switch to another provider.

[00:35:55] And it's like, in most cases, you can't, you don't have the option.

[00:35:58] You only have one maybe two.

[00:36:01] Yeah.

[00:36:02] Yeah.

[00:36:03] I mean, where I live is just optimum.

[00:36:04] Yeah.

[00:36:05] Like I can't get the, we tried to switch, we tried to switch from time Warner.

[00:36:08] We couldn't fucking.

[00:36:09] Yeah, I can't get any other.

[00:36:10] Yeah.

[00:36:11] Yeah.

[00:36:12] I'm calling monopolist and she's dumb.

[00:36:14] I like how that's some fucking dumb.

[00:36:15] It's like the government shouldn't write.

[00:36:17] I saw Lewis Comcast.

[00:36:18] Lewis Gomez was tweeting about it.

[00:36:20] He's like, oh, yeah.

[00:36:21] He's like, dude, I've been, he's like any, every video I look at that says everything

[00:36:26] you need to know about net neutrality is pretty biased towards net neutrality.

[00:36:30] And I'm like, well, I mean, it's just like, look at your cell phone data plan and look

[00:36:37] at how much more you pay for that than you do for home internet service.

[00:36:40] Right.

[00:36:41] And I think the different ways they fucking nickel and dime you out of shit.

[00:36:44] The fact that like, I'd pay $30 a month for unlimited texting added onto my plan because

[00:36:48] Verizon doesn't just offer that.

[00:36:50] Never mind the fact that it like, it's the same network.

[00:36:53] Right.

[00:36:54] Right.

[00:36:55] No, it doesn't like make any fucking difference.

[00:36:56] There's no way it should cost an additional $30, but there's four companies and, you know,

[00:37:03] like that you don't really have that many choices.

[00:37:05] Yeah.

[00:37:06] It's, I mean, that shit is fucking so dumb to think we should have net neutrality.

[00:37:10] And then, uh, poor school, they don't have it.

[00:37:13] And so like, you have to pay per like what you want the internet for.

[00:37:17] So if you, if you want Twitter, Snapchat, Facebook, it's $15.

[00:37:21] And then if you want YouTube, something else, something else is an additional $15.

[00:37:24] Right.

[00:37:25] If you want to stream shit.

[00:37:26] Yeah.

[00:37:27] It's like, you have to like pay for like each, the internet should be like fucking electricity,

[00:37:30] dude.

[00:37:31] It's like my dick.

[00:37:32] It's like my dick Comcast.

[00:37:33] Yeah.

[00:37:34] I mean, there's still going to be like, it's not going to be as dramatic as people think

[00:37:36] it is where like suddenly everything's way more expensive because the companies don't

[00:37:41] want to lose customers.

[00:37:42] Right.

[00:37:43] So like if, if something does, you know, and they do also, it would violate antitrust

[00:37:50] law for them to throttle Netflix if they offer their own competing streaming service.

[00:37:55] Right.

[00:37:56] So they still can't do things like that.

[00:37:58] But I don't know, man, do like the idea, the idea that this will allow companies to compete

[00:38:03] more and it'll ultimately bring down prices isn't true because the markets already locked

[00:38:07] up.

[00:38:08] Yeah.

[00:38:09] Well, that's what I mean.

[00:38:10] It's like, do anti trust laws even fucking exist?

[00:38:12] Like these motherfuckers all just kind of get their own trust laws exist.

[00:38:16] But like in this case, it doesn't feel like not for telling.

[00:38:18] Yeah, they're like three fucking companies.

[00:38:20] What the fuck?

[00:38:21] Well, they all just keep buying each other and shit.

[00:38:24] They still compete.

[00:38:25] I mean, like in theory, but they don't really like geographically there's how, how, like

[00:38:30] and how much of the fucking, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but you know

[00:38:33] what I mean?

[00:38:34] Like it doesn't really feel like there's that much competition.

[00:38:36] Yeah, there is it.

[00:38:38] And it's hard and it's hard for smaller companies to like if somebody wanted to start their

[00:38:42] own ISP, it's like hard to get, you know, approval from the FCC to do that.

[00:38:46] Yeah.

[00:38:47] Fucking dumb, dude.

[00:38:49] Yeah.

[00:38:50] I want my free internet, dude.

[00:38:51] Make that shit free.

[00:38:52] That's my.

[00:38:53] That's what I mean.

[00:38:54] I mean, like that's like, what do you think Adam?

[00:38:56] Yes, I agree.

[00:38:58] This shit like, I mean, I haven't paid attention to it in years, but when they got rid of,

[00:39:03] when they got rid of like, remember like old TV service, like the rabbit ears?

[00:39:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:39:08] They got rid of that.

[00:39:09] Those frequencies were like auctioned off by the FCC.

[00:39:14] And I think Sprint brought bought up like the, the like best chunk of like the UHF or

[00:39:22] VHF, you know, bandwidth or whatever.

[00:39:24] And they were presumably going to use it for some kind of YMAX service.

[00:39:27] And then I don't think they did.

[00:39:29] Which, which one?

[00:39:30] Like city wide Wi-Fi.

[00:39:31] Oh, shit.

[00:39:32] Like city wide high speed Wi-Fi.

[00:39:33] Holy fuck.

[00:39:34] Yeah, which would like alleviate a lot of the problems with like the smaller network

[00:39:39] congestion.

[00:39:40] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:39:41] And it just never fucking happened.

[00:39:43] Damn.

[00:39:44] You know, or at least I don't think it did.

[00:39:46] Again, this was like 10 years ago when all this happened.

[00:39:48] Right, right, right.

[00:39:49] Like what they're doing with it.

[00:39:50] Like it should be that if there's like an unused frequency band, you know, like anyone

[00:39:56] should be able to use it.

[00:39:57] Right.

[00:39:58] Yeah.

[00:39:59] Like the way it should follow is that like if you find a use for that and you're already

[00:40:01] using it, then at that point you can apply for ownership of it to the FCC.

[00:40:07] Like you would with copyright, you know, the way patents work.

[00:40:10] It's not like, oh yeah, you know, how about a way to get to the moon?

[00:40:15] And they're like, oh, how do you do it?

[00:40:16] It's like, I don't know.

[00:40:17] Now no one's allowed to go to the moon unless we come up with it first.

[00:40:21] And that's not the way it works with these bandwidths that can just be fucking like bought

[00:40:25] up by a company, you know, like an auction where like, no, there's no way anybody can

[00:40:30] fucking compete with, you know, right.

[00:40:33] That is an argument against, you know, regulation or whatever.

[00:40:36] But like those are the arguments that like I could listen to a libertarian make.

[00:40:41] It's not just like, you know, fucking raising your stupid eyebrow and be like, oh, an

[00:40:46] equality, huh? It should be the government.

[00:40:48] Yeah, right. Well, yeah, if everything's already like regulated the shit and the fucking,

[00:40:54] you know, there is no free market anyway.

[00:40:55] Yeah, yeah.

[00:40:56] Yes, I think we should have the one piece of, you know, legislation that prevents these

[00:41:01] companies from fucking us over.

[00:41:02] But they're going to keep fucking us.

[00:41:05] They're going to keep slow fucking us.

[00:41:08] Now we got damn.

[00:41:10] Trump in office.

[00:41:12] Oh, we're fucked.

[00:41:13] Yeah.

[00:41:14] And also like to point out the head of the FCC, Indian guy.

[00:41:18] Oh, yeah, they're hot on the track of the real piece of shit.

[00:41:21] They got worse, worse type of mail.

[00:41:24] They got the Nash.

[00:41:25] Yeah, they got that guy.

[00:41:27] They got that guy at the diner.

[00:41:28] We saw what a Hitler mustache.

[00:41:30] That was wild.

[00:41:31] Yeah.

[00:41:32] Just did a fucking just in crown mother fucking heights or wherever the fuck we were.

[00:41:36] Clinton Hill Clinton Hill with the damn Hitler mustache.

[00:41:38] Yeah, that guy looked like Keith Urban.

[00:41:40] Like an Indian key.

[00:41:42] He did.

[00:41:43] But he had short hair.

[00:41:45] Doesn't keep there.

[00:41:46] But have like a little bowl cut type thing.

[00:41:47] He's got like John Bon Jovi like straight flat ironed feathered hair.

[00:41:53] Oh, yeah.

[00:41:56] John Bond.

[00:41:57] That guy fucked in his day, huh?

[00:41:59] John Bon Jovi.

[00:42:00] I use a queer.

[00:42:01] How about John Bond's men?

[00:42:04] Bonds men?

[00:42:05] Yeah, bones men.

[00:42:06] Okay.

[00:42:07] Do you guys ever have a wet dreams about John Bon Jovi?

[00:42:13] John Bon Jovi.

[00:42:14] No, I think you mean yes.

[00:42:16] I don't own.

[00:42:18] I have been invested.

[00:42:20] I don't I don't want you about.

[00:42:29] No, I don't really think I have any wet dreams.

[00:42:31] Yeah, I've never had a wet dream.

[00:42:33] I remember thinking there was something wrong with me when I was a kid because it's like,

[00:42:36] why am I not coming in my pants?

[00:42:38] Yeah.

[00:42:39] Because they show you those videos in health class and like I was under the impression

[00:42:42] that I was supposed to be coming in my pants all the time.

[00:42:45] The whole night like literally never happened my entire.

[00:42:48] Never once.

[00:42:49] I've never come in my pants.

[00:42:50] No, yeah, because I was jack off before bed.

[00:42:53] Right, right.

[00:42:54] And I didn't jack off.

[00:42:55] You got him.

[00:42:56] Yeah, but I jack off all the time.

[00:42:57] Yeah, you know, I mean, like even like went like, you know, don't fucking touch that speaker.

[00:43:02] Don't touch what keep your I can see your hand going back.

[00:43:05] My hand is not touching the speaker.

[00:43:08] You can't prove it.

[00:43:09] Oh, he's.

[00:43:10] Oh, oh.

[00:43:12] He's touching you, bitch.

[00:43:13] I'm not touching anything.

[00:43:15] Just don't fucking touch it.

[00:43:16] Man, I don't know why.

[00:43:17] I'm literally not coming into contact with it.

[00:43:20] Well, anyways, you know, in movies and shit, there'd always be like a guy kissing a girl

[00:43:24] and he like comes in his pants and it's like that's well, I've never come in my pants,

[00:43:27] but I've come in my sleep in my, I guess I was wearing pants.

[00:43:31] So technically, but never like, you know, I like almost come once from dry humping when

[00:43:36] I was like 14, 15, but never really.

[00:43:40] You're good, dude.

[00:43:41] Shut up.

[00:43:42] I've never come.

[00:43:43] Come on.

[00:43:44] He's gay.

[00:43:45] Coming is gay.

[00:43:46] I'm the most principled man in the world.

[00:43:48] Yeah, I just remember one very memorable dream where it was Trish Stratus and I fucked

[00:43:54] her in the ring and everyone is like an arena full of people watching me fuck her.

[00:43:59] It's such a gauge.

[00:44:00] I know.

[00:44:01] I went away.

[00:44:02] We went on a romantic date.

[00:44:03] No, it wasn't the day.

[00:44:04] It was a museum and then I got on one knee and I said the opposite of what I said.

[00:44:09] Trish, I have a poem to read here.

[00:44:11] You step outside into the ring.

[00:44:13] I fuck kiss me upside down.

[00:44:15] Not rain.

[00:44:16] Rain kiss the ring.

[00:44:17] The ring.

[00:44:18] The ring.

[00:44:19] It's a big arena.

[00:44:20] Everyone's watching me.

[00:44:21] Fuck.

[00:44:22] Did you do the spider man upside down kiss?

[00:44:23] No, not the rain.

[00:44:25] The ring.

[00:44:26] R.I.N.G.

[00:44:27] Dude, that's the center of the fucking arena.

[00:44:29] Listen to the varsity blue soundtrack.

[00:44:32] There goes my hero.

[00:44:35] No, man.

[00:44:36] What was that?

[00:44:37] Kermit the frog seeing that?

[00:44:38] No, that was a Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters.

[00:44:41] Dave Grohl, by the way, pretty good run, huh?

[00:44:45] They're vaunted.

[00:44:46] Too bad, Steve.

[00:44:47] Too big for you.

[00:44:48] This is Gary that he's behind the Andrew W.K. conspiracy.

[00:44:52] That he's behind it?

[00:44:54] Andrew dies clay.

[00:44:55] Yeah.

[00:44:56] Because Andrew took too much for W. Clay.

[00:44:58] Andrew W. Clay?

[00:45:00] Yeah.

[00:45:01] Let's get apart of going.

[00:45:03] Let's get apart of going.

[00:45:04] Everyone loves a part of you because you're a fucking brawn.

[00:45:07] You're a dumb bitch.

[00:45:09] Oh, this is great.

[00:45:11] President Trump's claims that the Access Hollywood video was fake.

[00:45:17] Hold on.

[00:45:18] Have stunned AIDS at a time of heightened awareness of harassment.

[00:45:22] Oh, never mind.

[00:45:24] This is literally not news.

[00:45:25] Why is that?

[00:45:26] Why are people talking about that?

[00:45:28] The Access Hollywood tape is like, because Trump said it was fake.

[00:45:31] Did you see this fucking project Veritas thing?

[00:45:34] Hilarious.

[00:45:35] Yeah.

[00:45:36] That is insane.

[00:45:37] The Washington Post thing?

[00:45:38] They hired a woman to say she got raped, right?

[00:45:41] Yeah.

[00:45:42] Good for the Washington Post.

[00:45:43] To try and make the fucking Washington Post look like they're full of shit.

[00:45:45] Good for the Washington Post for catching that shit.

[00:45:48] James O'Keefe is such a piece of shit.

[00:45:50] That shit is so funny.

[00:45:51] There's so many people.

[00:45:52] Well, it's also like if that was successful, what does that prove?

[00:45:55] Right.

[00:45:56] Did they listen to a woman fucking liar?

[00:45:58] Committed fraud?

[00:45:59] No, it's more than that.

[00:46:01] They're trying to undermine the entire like, always believe movement.

[00:46:05] That's like, I understand what they're doing, but it's like...

[00:46:08] They just like get it.

[00:46:09] At some point, they have to say like, you know, we got here or whatever.

[00:46:14] And then what does it do?

[00:46:16] It's like it's never...

[00:46:17] Yeah, yeah.

[00:46:18] Well, it's like just to say, oh, this is the Washington Post's fake news or something.

[00:46:22] To say what?

[00:46:23] We lied to other journalists and fucking spent a bunch of money to trap the fake story.

[00:46:28] Right, right, right.

[00:46:29] Right.

[00:46:30] That's a lot different than like the UVA Jackie thing, which was like a legitimate failure

[00:46:36] of journalism.

[00:46:37] Kind of like a fucking psychopathic organization.

[00:46:40] But that was the Rolling Stone thing?

[00:46:42] Yeah.

[00:46:43] You know Jackie, they used to call gay guys Jackie's.

[00:46:46] Yeah, now they call them Nancy's.

[00:46:48] No, Jackie's.

[00:46:50] That was in the movie Midnight Cowboy.

[00:46:52] They called them all Jackie's.

[00:46:55] That's a good movie.

[00:46:56] You guys know that?

[00:46:57] I remember I saw that movie.

[00:46:59] How about Midnight Plowboy?

[00:47:00] He does already get his things checked by a man.

[00:47:04] Yeah, it's pretty much the same as Midnight Cowboy.

[00:47:07] Yeah, I remember thinking it was super weird.

[00:47:09] First of all, no, it's not.

[00:47:11] The first time he turned...

[00:47:12] First of all, no, it's not.

[00:47:15] The first trick he turns in that movie...

[00:47:16] It's not the same thing.

[00:47:17] It's in the movie theater.

[00:47:19] And then I remember thinking it was really weird that the guy was paying him to suck his

[00:47:23] dick.

[00:47:24] I remember telling you I saw that when I was like 16 or 17.

[00:47:27] I think I told this story on the podcast, but Eldis made us re-watch that scene.

[00:47:30] Why?

[00:47:31] Why do I say college?

[00:47:32] He's so uncomfortable and he kept it.

[00:47:34] Whenever we'd be hanging out, he would just pull it up.

[00:47:36] He would just pull up the part where Angelina Jolie's dad gets his dick sucked by this guy.

[00:47:42] He looks like Rick Moranis.

[00:47:43] Yeah, he does look like Rick Moranis.

[00:47:45] That looks like Rick Moranis.

[00:47:46] A little bit.

[00:47:47] I do.

[00:47:48] A little bit.

[00:47:49] Yeah, but I accept that.

[00:47:50] Ugly or not, isn't daring?

[00:47:51] Yeah.

[00:47:52] I don't know.

[00:47:53] Same activities per Midnight Cowboy.

[00:47:55] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:47:57] I look more like...

[00:47:58] Yeah, that was Rick Moranis's first role.

[00:48:01] That was the prequel to series Everyone Beloved Series.

[00:48:05] Honey, I Sucked a Dick.

[00:48:07] Honey, get in here.

[00:48:10] Rick, where have you been?

[00:48:13] Oh, I got bad news.

[00:48:16] You're Sucked a Dick.

[00:48:19] What?

[00:48:20] Boy, oh, yeah.

[00:48:22] Yeah.

[00:48:23] It's experiment.

[00:48:24] This summer.

[00:48:25] Honey, I Sucked a Dick too.

[00:48:26] Like, it happened again in just a fucking 12 minute shot.

[00:48:33] That's that shot.

[00:48:34] I'm sucking a cot.

[00:48:35] It's so graphic.

[00:48:36] It's him sucking a giant bee's dick.

[00:48:38] They don't explain why there's giant bees and bugs or some shit.

[00:48:43] He's just a really tiny man that's sucking off bugs.

[00:48:47] His Adam's sucking off bugs.

[00:48:49] I'm not going to say that.

[00:48:51] I'm not going to say that.

[00:48:52] I'm not going to say that.

[00:48:53] I'm not going to say that.

[00:48:54] He's Adam's sucking off bugs, dicks.

[00:48:57] No, I'm a bug.

[00:48:58] How could I suck him?

[00:48:59] Because you're the bug bottom.

[00:49:02] No, Rick Moranis is a bug in the ball.

[00:49:04] You in real life are a bug.

[00:49:06] Sure.

[00:49:07] In your acting career, you play a character named Rick Moranis, a movie called Honey,

[00:49:13] I Sucked a Dick.

[00:49:15] Honey, I Sucked a Dick too.

[00:49:18] Honey, I Sucked a Dick 3, and Honey, I Sucked a Dick 4.

[00:49:22] Where you suck off bugs.

[00:49:24] Giant bugs.

[00:49:25] Big ass dicks you can barely fit your whole mouth around.

[00:49:28] But when there's a will, there's a way.

[00:49:31] It's that inexplicably is now a tiny man sucking off everything in the garden.

[00:49:38] This makes a lot of sense.

[00:49:40] I will say that.

[00:49:41] Damn, dude.

[00:49:42] It does, bitch.

[00:49:43] I wish I had.

[00:49:44] No, I'm mad that I didn't make all that money in crypto, so I couldn't just finance

[00:49:48] this film.

[00:49:49] Oh, yeah, dude.

[00:49:50] If I had like, if I had made, if I had $10 billion, I would be like, yeah, I'll be

[00:49:54] I'll pay $10 million to have that shot.

[00:49:57] That would be awesome.

[00:49:58] Yeah, that would be really funny.

[00:49:59] We bring Rick Moranis out of retirement to coach Adam.

[00:50:02] Yeah.

[00:50:03] How to suck the dicks.

[00:50:04] I respect him for getting out the game.

[00:50:06] Yeah, he did it.

[00:50:07] And for honorable reasons too.

[00:50:09] Yeah.

[00:50:10] To kill this wife and then show her.

[00:50:11] No, I got really fat and shit to kill herself because.

[00:50:16] So you had to be like someone who's trying to drive kind of tragic way, right?

[00:50:19] Yeah, she got really fat.

[00:50:21] You can die.

[00:50:22] I'm not saying it's on tragic.

[00:50:23] It's a, you know, when you have to put a woman down, like on the broken leg.

[00:50:33] Sometimes you got it.

[00:50:36] Sad.

[00:50:37] Sad.

[00:50:38] It's a sad world.

[00:50:39] We love it.

[00:50:40] Stop laughing.

[00:50:41] Old yellers about right.

[00:50:42] His mom gets too fat in the day.

[00:50:43] It's not funny.

[00:50:44] Stop laughing.

[00:50:45] That's a sign filled with fucking Kramer.

[00:50:48] Try to apologize.

[00:50:49] Oh, no.

[00:50:50] Oh, yeah.

[00:50:51] They're on the tonight show or something.

[00:50:54] Yeah, you're on a letterman or something.

[00:50:55] And he was like, uh, I'm so sorry.

[00:50:58] And then the audience laughed accurately described that man in the audience.

[00:51:03] I really apologize for being completely dead on.

[00:51:08] It's been here.

[00:51:09] I'm sorry for nailing it.

[00:51:11] That's how funny Kramer was.

[00:51:14] Like he couldn't even apologize for being racist without getting a laugh.

[00:51:18] Because he was sick because they were like, oh, fall down.

[00:51:21] You're still there.

[00:51:22] Imagine me in that good comedy.

[00:51:23] I know.

[00:51:24] Such a such a tremendous talent.

[00:51:26] Do you see that?

[00:51:27] Have you seen that clip though?

[00:51:28] Jerry Seinfeld like scolding the audience.

[00:51:30] He's like, stop laughing.

[00:51:31] It's not funny.

[00:51:34] It is funny to see Jerry Seinfeld just not get what he wants in that sense.

[00:51:39] Being rich is hell.

[00:51:40] That guy's probably never been told no one's so long.

[00:51:42] What the fuck is it he making, honey?

[00:51:44] I saw today.

[00:51:45] He will be movie.

[00:51:46] He's got some movie.

[00:51:47] That's right.

[00:51:48] He played that beat.

[00:51:49] They got his dick shot by Ray Liotta as a B. Ray Liotta was in one of the voices.

[00:51:56] Yeah.

[00:51:57] He played.

[00:51:58] I mean, the B looked exactly like Ray Liotta.

[00:51:59] I thought it was Jerry Seinfeld.

[00:52:01] No, the other B man.

[00:52:04] Come back, guy.

[00:52:05] I don't know, man.

[00:52:06] I didn't watch the movie.

[00:52:07] I just saw the part where he sucked the dick.

[00:52:08] Wait, you saw a B movie?

[00:52:10] No, I didn't.

[00:52:11] I really didn't.

[00:52:13] I never saw.

[00:52:14] Yeah, I don't think anyone saw it.

[00:52:16] Yeah, I don't know.

[00:52:17] He really put a lot of money.

[00:52:19] He was promoting the shit out of it though for some reason.

[00:52:22] That's pretty cool that Seinfeld failed at something.

[00:52:24] I'm just trying to get over the breakup with the 17-year-old.

[00:52:27] So I put his money in the B movie.

[00:52:30] Yo, what's she up to these days?

[00:52:31] Shoshana?

[00:52:32] She's married.

[00:52:33] I was looking good.

[00:52:35] I mean, she was Shoshana.

[00:52:37] What kind of name is that?

[00:52:38] Escoboe.

[00:52:39] It's Jewish.

[00:52:40] No, Jewish Escoboe.

[00:52:42] She was just some rich Jewish girl from L.A.

[00:52:45] How about, say, Inuit, it's Intuit, which, if you don't know, is the company.

[00:52:48] It's the tax.

[00:52:49] It's the company that makes you out.

[00:52:50] Yeah, makes you out there.

[00:52:52] I don't know.

[00:52:53] I said, joke is, would be funnier if people knew Intuit.

[00:52:57] Yeah, but it's good.

[00:52:58] I know.

[00:52:59] I know.

[00:53:00] It's funny.

[00:53:01] Yeah.

[00:53:02] Adam doesn't pay taxes.

[00:53:03] Yes, I do.

[00:53:04] I do.

[00:53:05] Would you get those socks?

[00:53:06] So those warm socks, Adam?

[00:53:07] Costco.

[00:53:08] Costco, wool blend, hiking socks, best winter socks.

[00:53:11] Okay.

[00:53:12] That's Adam's tips.

[00:53:13] Adam's seal corner.

[00:53:16] You should get that right.

[00:53:17] I wish we could do other sponsorships.

[00:53:19] Like McDonald's?

[00:53:21] McDonald's would be cool.

[00:53:22] We were talking about McAfee sponsoring us.

[00:53:24] You know who sponsors everybody is that, that razor company.

[00:53:27] Yeah, I could use a Harry's shave.

[00:53:30] Don't say it.

[00:53:31] Don't give them free advertising.

[00:53:32] It's the other.

[00:53:33] There's another one too.

[00:53:34] Frankie.

[00:53:35] No, it's not.

[00:53:36] It's Harry's.

[00:53:37] You fucking have your dollars backtracked it.

[00:53:38] No, the dollar's shave.

[00:53:40] Yeah.

[00:53:41] Yeah.

[00:53:42] I don't know, man.

[00:53:44] I already just bought that fucking Phillips one blade thing.

[00:53:47] Oh, yeah.

[00:53:48] That's what I use.

[00:53:49] Yeah.

[00:53:50] Why use it at your house?

[00:53:51] It's great.

[00:53:52] He said it was good.

[00:53:53] He said it was good, but he doesn't need the shave.

[00:53:55] I do need some shave.

[00:53:56] You don't grow any facial hair at all.

[00:53:58] You have like full beard.

[00:54:01] Four hairs on your face.

[00:54:02] Bob Vila style thick.

[00:54:03] Bob Vila's the first bearded guy you thought of.

[00:54:06] Yeah.

[00:54:07] Well, he was very influential in my view.

[00:54:08] Adam's face looks like a cat's asshole.

[00:54:10] What's that, man?

[00:54:11] It's a delicious.

[00:54:12] A few small pieces of fuzz around the edges with a small shit.

[00:54:17] Yeah.

[00:54:18] A puckered piece of shit.

[00:54:21] Nick, our mustaches are just as good as each other's.

[00:54:25] Our mustaches are tied right now.

[00:54:28] You're out of your fucking mind.

[00:54:29] No, what are you talking about?

[00:54:30] We both have full, thick mustache.

[00:54:32] I don't.

[00:54:33] I have a pencil mustache now, which you can't grow.

[00:54:35] Well, I have a full one, but I could convert it to a pencil, but I prefer the full one.

[00:54:39] You can't look in your face right now.

[00:54:42] Only real men can grow a mustache real tight over the lip.

[00:54:46] You John Waters.

[00:54:47] Yeah.

[00:54:48] You will.

[00:54:49] Tom's ass.

[00:54:50] Tom's ass.

[00:54:51] Just a perfect...

[00:54:52] Tom's like got a thickie.

[00:54:53] Yeah, but it grows down on the lip.

[00:54:54] If you can't curve your mustache down on the lip, you're...

[00:54:57] No.

[00:54:58] As you can see, it's on the lip.

[00:54:59] It's a big white spot.

[00:55:00] Looks like you've been drinking a big old glass of cum.

[00:55:02] In the middle?

[00:55:03] It doesn't connect in the middle either.

[00:55:05] That is a classic look.

[00:55:06] A pencil with a gap in the middle.

[00:55:07] That is the classic.

[00:55:08] First of all, it's not a pencil mustache.

[00:55:10] That is the classic Garston French waiter restaurant look.

[00:55:16] The gap?

[00:55:17] French restaurant waiter.

[00:55:18] What?

[00:55:19] The gap in the middle?

[00:55:20] The gap with the two pencils.

[00:55:21] I'll never be able to go fucking facial or...

[00:55:23] It sucks, man.

[00:55:24] Didn't you have like a beard kind of thing?

[00:55:27] Like a...

[00:55:28] No.

[00:55:29] Maybe like an under the chin thing?

[00:55:30] No, I've never done that.

[00:55:31] I mean, I grow old girls.

[00:55:33] You get stubbeds.

[00:55:34] I grow old stubs, but that's it.

[00:55:35] It sucks.

[00:55:36] You ever let it really grow?

[00:55:38] It looks horrible.

[00:55:39] It looks like fucking...

[00:55:40] Like the head...

[00:55:41] Like cubes.

[00:55:42] It looks like cubes.

[00:55:43] When I grow my mustache out to the best of my ability, it just looks like tangled eyelashes.

[00:55:49] Yeah, it looks like eyelashes.

[00:55:51] Over my lip.

[00:55:52] It looks really bad.

[00:55:53] I might grow a mustache like that.

[00:55:55] Shitty mustache.

[00:55:56] Why not?

[00:55:57] You know, that's what I say.

[00:55:58] I'm glad that I found a way to ease my way out of having a mustache.

[00:56:02] Are you going to go to no mustache after that?

[00:56:04] No.

[00:56:05] I pencil things a nice in between.

[00:56:07] Yes.

[00:56:08] You look good without a mustache, I think.

[00:56:10] I don't know.

[00:56:11] I think I look weird without a mustache.

[00:56:12] No, I think you look better without a mustache.

[00:56:14] I haven't had a mustache for so long.

[00:56:15] I haven't had it for so long, but I think you would look better without.

[00:56:18] Well, I guess maybe I should respect a gay man's opinion.

[00:56:23] Yeah.

[00:56:24] Let me...

[00:56:25] Whoo!

[00:56:26] Use my queer eyes.

[00:56:29] We have fun here.

[00:56:30] We do, guys.

[00:56:31] We really do.

[00:56:32] We have one queer eye and one eye that's just locked on the scene.

[00:56:36] You know, Arby's butt fucking Buffalo Wild Wings?

[00:56:40] Buffalo Wild Wings.

[00:56:41] We just got this from the pipe cast.

[00:56:43] No, what a travesty that is, man.

[00:56:45] Are you upset about this?

[00:56:47] Yes, Buffalo Wild Wings is a great franchise.

[00:56:49] One glass I'm going to go to Buffalo Wild Wings.

[00:56:50] I haven't been in a hot minute.

[00:56:51] It's been a year or two, but me and my brothers used to go to the white marsh Buffalo Wild

[00:56:56] Wings and watch UFC events.

[00:56:57] It's maybe been like a decade for the party.

[00:56:59] Yeah, actually, sounds fun.

[00:57:00] It's awesome, dude.

[00:57:01] You know how many, like, wannabe MMA, guys?

[00:57:04] It could have turned into a fucking race war in any moment.

[00:57:06] I went to Buffalo Wild Wings by Brandon one time.

[00:57:09] And our waiter comes up.

[00:57:11] He was like...

[00:57:12] And he just comes up to the table.

[00:57:13] He's like, whoo!

[00:57:14] He's already drunk.

[00:57:15] And the waiter is fucking ham.

[00:57:19] And this guy was like, you know, pot belly is fucking...

[00:57:23] He's like balding, but it's like that point where...

[00:57:26] You know, no one ever told him he was balding, so it's just like this sweaty, you know,

[00:57:31] tough to just placed on top of this fucking head.

[00:57:35] And like, you know, his like, his stubble connects with his chest hair, you know, like

[00:57:40] just this fucking like, drenched in his own filth, you know, guy.

[00:57:45] He's like, he's like, you ever been in a fucking Buffalo Wild Wings before?

[00:57:50] You know, he's like, I'm gonna tell you my fucking favorites.

[00:57:54] You know, he's like, my name's Mikey.

[00:57:56] I'm here to hook it up.

[00:57:57] Whatever you need.

[00:57:58] And he's like, I'm like, whoa, I got you, you know, and we're like ordering.

[00:58:02] And he keeps coming back over to check on us.

[00:58:05] And eventually this woman, this like middle-aged woman comes up and starts like while he's talking

[00:58:10] to us, like hugging him and kissing him on the cheek.

[00:58:13] And she's like, she's like, I love you.

[00:58:16] I love him.

[00:58:17] And she's like, this is my son and it's his birthday.

[00:58:20] And the waiter?

[00:58:21] The waiter.

[00:58:22] And his like, drunk old bomb was there.

[00:58:24] And she came to his whole family was there.

[00:58:27] Yeah, he's like working his birthday.

[00:58:29] His family came to Buffalo Wild Wings to spend his birthday with him.

[00:58:33] And we were like, happy birthday, man.

[00:58:36] We were like, how old are you?

[00:58:38] And he's like, 21.

[00:58:39] Oh my God.

[00:58:40] I thought this guy was like, 30 cents.

[00:58:42] Jesus Christ.

[00:58:43] He was like a 21 year old.

[00:58:46] Just look like half of the shit in his mouth.

[00:58:49] My baby's grown up.

[00:58:51] Honestly, that's kind of sweet though on some level.

[00:58:54] His family was there the whole time.

[00:58:55] Yeah, I guess.

[00:58:56] It's cute, dude.

[00:58:57] I don't know.

[00:58:58] I mean, that's my exposure to Buffalo Wild Wings.

[00:59:00] It's good, man.

[00:59:01] I just, it's weird because you're at Buffalo Wild Wings and like, a certain part of you

[00:59:05] expects there to be strippers.

[00:59:07] You like, you have that same anticipation where you're like, I'm eating steak fries.

[00:59:12] Yep.

[00:59:13] The music is garbage.

[00:59:14] Yep.

[00:59:15] I'm going to have to see some big old fake tips.

[00:59:18] Some juicy yum yum, some jumbos.

[00:59:21] Yeah.

[00:59:22] I've never interacted with a fake titty in a sex way.

[00:59:26] I have, but it was from a...

[00:59:28] Right.

[00:59:29] That's right.

[00:59:30] From a trans woman I was paying.

[00:59:33] Yeah.

[00:59:34] Addison De Laude.

[00:59:35] A rough trade gay sex.

[00:59:37] It's like a big thing.

[00:59:39] What is rough trade gay sex?

[00:59:41] I don't know.

[00:59:42] I just love the way it sounds.

[00:59:43] Sounds like a real thing.

[00:59:44] I know that's a record store.

[00:59:45] It's a record store.

[00:59:46] There's a record store.

[00:59:47] And anytime I see the bags, I say the whole thing in my name.

[00:59:49] Rough trade gay sex.

[00:59:50] Yeah, they say gay sex.

[00:59:52] It makes me laugh so hard.

[00:59:53] I think it's like they meet each other up and then fuck.

[00:59:55] No, I think rough trade gay sex is like...

[00:59:56] You go down by the docks and you meet some boys.

[00:59:59] Yeah, it's like you're fucking somebody for like a job or something.

[01:00:03] Oh, really?

[01:00:04] Yeah, I don't know.

[01:00:05] I have no idea.

[01:00:07] I've heard it once or twice.

[01:00:09] Yeah, that's pretty good.

[01:00:11] For a job?

[01:00:12] I need a nice pair of Levi's.

[01:00:15] Ooh.

[01:00:16] That's the only way to get into my jeans.

[01:00:18] I just need to fuck my ass.

[01:00:21] You wanna get into my ass?

[01:00:25] You gotta fuck my ass.

[01:00:28] That's...

[01:00:30] That's just being moved for Macy's.

[01:00:35] You're the guy.

[01:00:37] Sir, we told you, Dye-Dye.

[01:00:38] You gotta stop doing this.

[01:00:41] Coming into Macy's trying to trick people into fucking your ass.

[01:00:46] You bring your own name back.

[01:00:50] Hello?

[01:00:51] No, no, come over here.

[01:00:54] He said it.

[01:00:55] It's only with the wedding.

[01:00:57] He ever has Jesus in his body for my ass.

[01:01:01] And then he fucked me in front of me, man.

[01:01:07] He said you have such a nice boy pussy.

[01:01:09] What is he getting from college?

[01:01:10] He made fun of me.

[01:01:12] I'm a clown college.

[01:01:16] He said, where did you get that boy pussy punk on?

[01:01:19] You wanted a good burn that would be out.

[01:01:20] I wanted a clown college.

[01:01:21] He said, what is that?

[01:01:22] That boy pussy clown college.

[01:01:23] Why is that so funny?

[01:01:24] Is that me?

[01:01:25] That my boy pussy was from clown college.

[01:01:30] Fuck you, Dye.

[01:01:33] Why is that so funny?

[01:01:35] Dude.

[01:01:36] I don't know.

[01:01:37] That's where you got your boy pussy from Adam.

[01:01:40] I spent half my day thinking about the guys outside of Home Depot and their private little

[01:01:49] world that really just existed in my head.

[01:01:51] No, it's real.

[01:01:52] No, it's absolutely not.

[01:01:53] They have 12 children and shit.

[01:01:56] Just a bunk bed style situation.

[01:01:58] Fuck.

[01:01:59] I got a pimple right on my ass and it hurts.

[01:02:01] On the cheek?

[01:02:02] Yeah, it kind of helped me pop it.

[01:02:04] Yeah, with your tongue.

[01:02:05] Yo, first you need to pop that pussy and then I'll pop that pimple.

[01:02:09] In that way, man.

[01:02:11] I'll never pop my pussy for you.

[01:02:13] Oh, dude, it was so funny the other day.

[01:02:16] Nick, you missed it, but I was like, oh, first of all, I've never missed anything.

[01:02:20] Shut the fuck up.

[01:02:21] I saw me.

[01:02:22] They called me.

[01:02:23] Stop rolled up before we went to the sniper.

[01:02:24] Before we went to the doctor, he stopped that old guy.

[01:02:26] That was really funny.

[01:02:27] And he was listening to some rap thing and I was doing like this.

[01:02:31] This is the word you described it earlier without him.

[01:02:34] What did you call it?

[01:02:36] What did you call it?

[01:02:37] I started with an N.

[01:02:39] It ended with RB E A T S.

[01:02:42] B A.

[01:02:43] That's what you were saying?

[01:02:47] You were going around saying that?

[01:02:49] That's not what I was saying.

[01:02:51] Anyway, anyway, I was dancing like erotically to it.

[01:02:55] Just as a joke for stuff and I was saying, pop that cock for a real one.

[01:03:00] Yeah, pop that cock for a real one.

[01:03:02] And then a crack head was walking down the street and she just goes, ahhhh!

[01:03:07] Ahhhh!

[01:03:08] She started laughing at me.

[01:03:10] She's like, ahhhh!

[01:03:12] Ahhhh!

[01:03:13] Ahhhh!

[01:03:14] Ahhhh!

[01:03:15] I got her a number.

[01:03:17] That was so awesome that lady in the bodega in the all white sweatsuit called you a bitch ass

[01:03:23] and word.

[01:03:24] Yeah.

[01:03:25] And he gets me on the cheek.

[01:03:27] He's like, he a bitch ass.

[01:03:31] Well, earlier she was asking that dude if she could have a hug.

[01:03:38] I think it's the same.

[01:03:39] It's that real like, you know, thin.

[01:03:42] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that thin.

[01:03:44] Yeah, she's fucking like, she like, haranged me one day.

[01:03:48] She's, she came up, I was walking down the street and she's like, excuse me sir?

[01:03:52] And I was like, no.

[01:03:53] She's like, sir, I'm like, no, I'm not, nothing.

[01:03:55] I'm not speaking to you.

[01:03:57] Yeah.

[01:03:58] You know, cause she's always just going around doing that condensed milk bullshit.

[01:04:00] I think I told this story already.

[01:04:02] Maybe.

[01:04:03] It's like a scam, right?

[01:04:04] Like a, you told the condensed milk scam story.

[01:04:06] Yeah, they do that shit all the time.

[01:04:08] Well, she comes up and, you know, I'm like just dismissive and she's like, oh, you're having

[01:04:11] a bad day?

[01:04:12] I'm like, yes.

[01:04:13] She's like, okay, well, my sister just died of cancer six weeks ago.

[01:04:16] That's awesome.

[01:04:17] Yeah.

[01:04:18] I'm like, okay.

[01:04:19] You're like, mind it five weeks ago.

[01:04:21] Yeah.

[01:04:22] She's like, actually, I just remember it was four weeks ago.

[01:04:23] Yeah, well, I have cancer.

[01:04:25] And I'm on my way to the fucking tiny dick store to get my mind worked on.

[01:04:33] So I got two problems, bitch.

[01:04:35] Yep.

[01:04:36] How about you?

[01:04:37] Yeah.

[01:04:38] Excuse me, man, but I'm addicted to crack and I am a black woman.

[01:04:41] Just say that to her.

[01:04:44] Oh, your sister has cancer?

[01:04:46] Well, I'm a fucking crack head.

[01:04:49] I'm a dick sucking crack head.

[01:04:51] I'm trying to rob people for milk money at age 57.

[01:04:57] So why don't you take your problems and hit the road, Jack.

[01:05:01] That's right.

[01:05:02] Tell you so she shouldn't move to Canada where they got health care.

[01:05:04] That's sick.

[01:05:05] How you owned her?

[01:05:06] I know.

[01:05:07] Dude, that's really sick.

[01:05:08] That same woman laughed at you.

[01:05:10] Yeah.

[01:05:11] She laughed at me for dancing for the way I was dancing.

[01:05:15] You're really connected, man.

[01:05:17] She asked this young guy, I saw her in the bodega one time and she'd like, I was there

[01:05:21] at the tail end of one of her fucking dumb ass scams and it's just like some dopey headed,

[01:05:27] you know, hipster retard, you know, that's like, of course, God bless you too.

[01:05:31] You know, they like believe in God whenever they're interacting with black people.

[01:05:38] Yeah.

[01:05:39] It's like every time it's like, God bless you, man.

[01:05:42] Oh, my God.

[01:05:43] You're such a fucking like, it's all like the bedside like slime.

[01:05:48] The skaters, the Brit, the skaters, like 35 year old skaters that are wearing like baggy

[01:05:55] jeans.

[01:05:56] Yeah.

[01:05:57] Like, you know, and they're like, wow, you know, they want to be a part of the neighborhood

[01:06:01] as soon as he fucking walks off.

[01:06:03] And I'm sure he gave this woman fucking $50 or, you know, whatever the fuck amount he

[01:06:07] got, you know, and like he leaves and then fucking, you know, like some older black

[01:06:13] guy is like, damn, you know what that's about?

[01:06:19] We're just laughing at him.

[01:06:20] Yeah.

[01:06:21] Having scammed.

[01:06:22] He was scared.

[01:06:23] Yeah.

[01:06:24] Yeah.

[01:06:25] One time she asked a younger dude for a hug in the Bodega.

[01:06:29] Yeah.

[01:06:30] And he goes $20.

[01:06:31] He was like, he was like asking her to pay him to get a hug.

[01:06:37] Yeah.

[01:06:38] That's pretty good.

[01:06:41] Yeah.

[01:06:44] So anyway, that's just some of the flavor of New York City for those of you guys.

[01:06:46] Listen, you know, people not from New York hate it when people from that live in New

[01:06:51] York say Bodega.

[01:06:53] That's like a real people hate that.

[01:06:55] We mean they hate it.

[01:06:56] They hate it.

[01:06:57] They think it's real.

[01:06:58] They think it's really like pretend pretentious or something.

[01:07:02] Why?

[01:07:03] It's called a horrible place.

[01:07:04] That's what it's called.

[01:07:05] Yeah.

[01:07:06] They smell like piss.

[01:07:07] Yeah.

[01:07:08] The food has dust on it.

[01:07:10] I got something nice and dusty for you.

[01:07:12] Yeah.

[01:07:13] I guess Corner Store or mini mart or mini marty the fuck calls it a mini mart quick quick

[01:07:17] keep mark Corner Store maybe Corner Store makes sense.

[01:07:22] Should we review the problem with the poo on the podcast?

[01:07:25] We actually should the article the New York Times article.

[01:07:28] No, the video.

[01:07:29] No.

[01:07:30] Why don't you read the fucking newsletter I send out for the shows.

[01:07:33] I'm not on the email list.

[01:07:36] Yeah.

[01:07:37] Well, that's by design.

[01:07:40] Do you want it?

[01:07:41] If you want it, you'll find it, man.

[01:07:43] Okay.

[01:07:44] You'll figure out a way to get your hands on that newsletter.

[01:07:47] Yeah.

[01:07:48] We're going to know it's a it's a hurry kind of kind of blow jobs.

[01:07:53] Yeah.

[01:07:54] It's a kind of blue kind of kind of blow dudes.

[01:07:59] Oh, yeah.

[01:08:00] Very funny.

[01:08:01] Oh, we, I guess we've done enough time already.

[01:08:04] Oh, nice.

[01:08:05] Have a little thanks for coming to Funny Moms.

[01:08:07] If Cleveland, I'll be there this motherfucking Sunday.

[01:08:10] Uh huh.

[01:08:11] If you listen to this show.

[01:08:13] Oh, yeah.

[01:08:14] The next the next Funny Moms for those of you in New York, I think it's going to be our

[01:08:16] last December 11th, December 11th, it's going to be mother fucking December 11th.

[01:08:22] Also we have the live show, all three boys and motherfucking DC on the 22nd December.

[01:08:28] And if you're in Boston, I will be headlining the house of blues on the 16th.

[01:08:33] So come suck me off and come suck us off holiday style on the 20th house of blues.

[01:08:37] Check out the movie House of Games directed by David Mamet.

[01:08:40] It's a very good movie.

[01:08:41] And check out the show House of Pain on TBS.

[01:08:45] Very funny.

[01:08:46] Yeah, that's true.

[01:08:47] Yeah.

[01:08:48] Tyler Perry's House of Pain.

[01:08:49] Um, I'll also be at the standing room every show this weekend.

[01:08:54] Nice.

[01:08:55] I'm doing a charity thing on Thursday for Puerto Rico or something.

[01:08:59] If you want to know, that's just a brag.

[01:09:01] I'm telling it.

[01:09:02] Where's it at?

[01:09:03] Uh, no, it's at a baby's already.

[01:09:05] What a brag.

[01:09:06] I was going to go into Puerto Rico until I found out what Puerto Rico means in Spanish.

[01:09:11] What does it mean?

[01:09:12] The rich port.

[01:09:13] The rich port.

[01:09:14] Yeah.

[01:09:15] So it's like, whoa, they got it.

[01:09:16] They got it covered.

[01:09:17] I'm sorry.

[01:09:18] They're rich.

[01:09:19] I'm a socialist.

[01:09:20] Yeah.

[01:09:21] I believe the rich people deserve to die in a hurricane.

[01:09:23] I think at 10, uh, at babies.

[01:09:26] All right.

[01:09:27] On Thursday.

[01:09:28] Oh, I was going to go to that, but I'm in.

[01:09:29] Yeah.

[01:09:30] Yeah.

[01:09:31] It's a good show.

[01:09:32] They're good people on the show too.

[01:09:33] Damn.

[01:09:34] That would have been fun.

[01:09:35] What show?

[01:09:36] I'm not on it.

[01:09:37] No.

[01:09:38] Who's booking that?

[01:09:40] These brother and sister booked it.

[01:09:44] They're like hosting it together.

[01:09:45] What are their names?

[01:09:47] Jake and Sandy.

[01:09:48] Yeah.

[01:09:49] She doesn't understand it.

[01:09:50] She's funny.

[01:09:51] Why do they approach you?

[01:09:53] Because we're cute and nice and you're like fucking dark and like listening to fucking

[01:09:58] significant other blue and blue biscuit on a fucking walkman.

[01:10:02] Yeah.

[01:10:03] They tell the fucking truth, dude.

[01:10:04] I'm a fucking dangerous man.

[01:10:07] You better not ever approach me.

[01:10:08] Just fucking on the on the bus reading the anarchist cookbook.

[01:10:12] Yeah.

[01:10:13] So I'm reading your chin.

[01:10:14] I'm reading fucking Harry Potter.

[01:10:16] Oh, yeah.

[01:10:17] The black art of Harry Potter.

[01:10:19] It is so funny.

[01:10:21] You see people reading Harry Potter in public.

[01:10:23] I know.

[01:10:24] That's so funny.

[01:10:25] Look, enjoy it on your own time.

[01:10:27] Yeah.

[01:10:28] Just like come on.

[01:10:29] I'm also at the stand on Christmas day.

[01:10:31] Oh, fuck.

[01:10:32] Yeah.

[01:10:33] Is that like a show?

[01:10:34] Yeah.

[01:10:35] Yeah.

[01:10:36] Huge.

[01:10:37] Huge.

[01:10:38] Yeah.

[01:10:39] Stan is going to be there.

[01:10:40] Did I say the time of that show?

[01:10:41] It's 10 on Thursday.

[01:10:42] No one go to Adam's show.

[01:10:43] It's not for me.

[01:10:44] It's for Puerto Rico.

[01:10:45] Fuck Puerto Rico.

[01:10:46] Everyone go to the stand.

[01:10:47] Puerto Rico knew what was good for it.

[01:10:50] It wouldn't associate themselves with someone like Adam.

[01:10:52] That's true.

[01:10:53] You know what I did for Puerto Rico?

[01:10:54] I bought myself a fucking pan and my hat and some cigars down there.

[01:10:57] I listened to Ricky Martin and I beat off to Jay.

[01:10:59] I fucking.

[01:11:00] That's what I did for Puerto Rico.

[01:11:01] I did what they call a capital infusion into their economy.

[01:11:08] I didn't do a comedy show that they're not going to hear about.

[01:11:11] Yep.

[01:11:12] For some fake men.

[01:11:13] I said adult diapers down after the hurricane because adults need diapers too.

[01:11:16] Yeah.

[01:11:17] All the poppies.

[01:11:18] You just had a lot of leaner room.

[01:11:19] All the poppies and the poppies.

[01:11:20] I had extras from our little project.

[01:11:24] Were you wearing them?

[01:11:26] Recreationally.

[01:11:27] For sexual purposes.

[01:11:29] So anyway to recap.

[01:11:30] Oh also we didn't talk about the Miss USA pageant contestant that girl with Down Syndrome

[01:11:36] is hot.

[01:11:37] Teen USA.

[01:11:38] Oh nice.

[01:11:39] Yeah.

[01:11:40] What's up?

[01:11:41] She is pretty cute.

[01:11:42] D.M.E baby girl.

[01:11:43] She is pretty cute.

[01:11:44] Good for her.

[01:11:45] I got to check her out.

[01:11:46] She's living life.

[01:11:47] She's living LaVita Loca.

[01:11:50] That's the official diagnosis.

[01:11:55] Hey.

[01:11:56] The doctor just takes off his glasses.

[01:12:07] Man your daughter is living LaVita.

[01:12:11] Oh shit.

[01:12:12] That'll do it.

[01:12:13] We're not going to top that.

[01:12:14] All right.