Cum Town | Regular | 12/07/2017
[00:00:00] in the immortal words of Brandon Wardell it's lit. Oh,
[00:00:05] well, nice. He made that up. He came up with it.
[00:00:10] Brandon watched the documentary saying swag is Brandon Wardell. He came
[00:00:14] up with documentary the pedophile documentary. He's like, dude, I'm
[00:00:17] freaking out right now. I was like, why? Because you're getting
[00:00:20] flashbacks. Yeah, we just had to restart the podcast because I had
[00:00:27] to deal with a customer service issue at the post office.
[00:00:30] Little did they know I got my fucking powerful slacks on pulled
[00:00:33] all the way to fuck up. Yes, sir. My pan and my hat on. I'm ready
[00:00:38] hoodie tucked into your pants. Yeah, that's a good look. We
[00:00:42] were saying before this started, how much fun it is to look
[00:00:45] like a fucking idiot. Oh, that's what I try to look ugly in
[00:00:48] every picture I take. Yeah, well, you know, and in real life
[00:00:52] and real life. No, that's not true. Every waking kind of cue.
[00:00:54] You succeed. I don't know. Yeah, I think my look is working.
[00:00:57] You've actually you say that, but I took a whole horrible picture
[00:01:00] of you and you tried to get me to not post it in which one
[00:01:02] anyway. The one where you're wearing that Janice films. Your
[00:01:06] nose looks like a skinny. That's the only thing I really
[00:01:10] worry about if certain as well, I'm fine looking to pretend
[00:01:13] like you're not an insane narcissist that has no
[00:01:16] sure. Okay, let's okay, let's go down that road. Let's go to
[00:01:20] not fucking narcissist road. Okay, first of all, we're all
[00:01:23] narcissists. Second of all, but you're an insane narcissist.
[00:01:27] You constantly talk about your body. Both of you do. Well, we
[00:01:31] both we're both body images. We both have things we have to
[00:01:34] first of all, I was raised on on break. I'm so allowed to have
[00:01:39] gosh, it was a very, very traditional family. Yes, sure.
[00:01:44] You know, and the toll that has on a young man's blood sugar.
[00:01:47] Mm hmm. You know, we've had me and stop me and stop have a
[00:01:50] narrative of self discovery and triumph. You you're just a
[00:01:55] piece of shit. All right, you just see some unearned sense of,
[00:02:00] you know, yeah, continue this hilarious bit. There's no
[00:02:04] triumph, dude. I had to overcome, dude. I had to overcome
[00:02:07] it was chicken nuggets. Honestly, all eight for literally one
[00:02:10] year of my life was gyro meat, like the pre sliced and and
[00:02:15] like flounder fillets. I wouldn't need anything. I was in
[00:02:18] like third grade. First of all, I made my mom only I only
[00:02:22] ate that. We're all slum dogs. Okay, we're all overcoming our
[00:02:26] drum. I'm a slum dog. In different ways. I'm a dog
[00:02:29] trillionaire. Yes. Come dog. Come back. That's cool. Well,
[00:02:35] anyways, me and style look pretty good. I said we got a good
[00:02:38] outfits. We got I'm all sweatsuit all day, bitch. Whatever.
[00:02:42] That's it for the rest of the whole skin pants pulled all the
[00:02:44] way up over my sweatshirt. I just bought some I just bought
[00:02:47] more champion sweats. Yeah, I figure if I look like an old
[00:02:51] enough man, people can't get mad at me for being racist.
[00:02:53] Honestly, with that hat on. Yeah. Yeah. Like in the pick we
[00:02:56] just took, you look old as shit. Like it's hilarious. Like you
[00:03:00] can't really tell you're making a weird old guy face. Yeah. I
[00:03:04] look young and virulent like sexual like a sexual I get my
[00:03:07] sexual prime. Yeah, but you look old. Dude, fuck the post office
[00:03:11] man. Yeah, you really got to go to war with them. You know,
[00:03:14] you know, get them just deliver the goddamn man. Yeah, you and
[00:03:19] 95 year old Fox News. Watch watch. Yeah. Get that bit out.
[00:03:28] That genius ass. It's one of these whatever the people like
[00:03:34] just one of these days when you don't want to wake up.
[00:03:39] Penis is your co host isn't any good at it. And you want to know why
[00:03:44] you want to justify kicking out him off the show.
[00:03:50] No human contact. If you're in Iraq, thank God we don't have a
[00:03:54] contract. Because that means we can fire out a motherfucker.
[00:03:58] Well, it wouldn't even be a fire. Replacing with a different
[00:04:00] gay. What kind of gay guy he said she said.
[00:04:05] But out gay guy, first of all, yeah, you'd have to be out.
[00:04:08] I mean, accuse him of being straight. The whole day. Yeah,
[00:04:11] there's accused Ian of being straight. Not liking trends
[00:04:14] prostitutes. Yeah. But there's no doubt that he does.
[00:04:17] Ian told me he got outed on a show like years ago. Like someone
[00:04:21] was bringing him up and they were like, yeah, I saw this guy on
[00:04:24] Grindr, but he pretends he's not gay. And then Ian Fideance.
[00:04:28] Oh my God. Yeah, that's fucking horrifying. Yeah.
[00:04:40] Was Ian out at all at the time? No, I mean, he's still not really
[00:04:43] out. I mean, he's sort of is. He only he only sucks guys dicks
[00:04:48] if they have long hair. So he's still. That's not gay, dude.
[00:04:53] No, the traditional fucking he's like, he's like, you recognize
[00:04:56] that that's a woman. So being gay is a stampede of antelope,
[00:05:01] right? And Ian is Mufasa. Yeah, I scar is his homosexual impulses.
[00:05:10] I can he's like, help me. He's fought them off valiantly for a
[00:05:14] long time, but little does he know what those impulses have for
[00:05:23] Anyway, it's a nice tidy analogy. Yeah, I'm saying to make a live
[00:05:27] action version of Lion King coming up. People are already
[00:05:30] mad about the casting, I think. No, I think is it live action?
[00:05:34] I thought so. I thought it's just a reboot. Like a cartoon
[00:05:37] reboot with new voices. That's what I thought. Yeah.
[00:05:40] It's not really gonna be your lines. The on say is gonna be a
[00:05:44] lion. Yeah, dude. It's gonna be like they do on Broadway.
[00:05:47] Where they put the puppet address. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a
[00:05:50] puppet show. Yeah, that doesn't sound good. Unless you can see
[00:05:53] Beyonce's titties. It's like how they did Beauty and the Beast.
[00:05:57] They did a live action Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, but those were people.
[00:06:00] Except for the Beast. Yeah, the Beast isn't a person.
[00:06:03] Do they have people? Everyone's gonna be CGI'd up.
[00:06:06] I guess. Yeah, that would be pretty cool. They were like avatars.
[00:06:09] Yeah, that'd be cool. Yeah. I mean, I thought the lions were already
[00:06:12] sexual enough in the original Lion King. Oh, no.
[00:06:15] I blame that movie for creating furries. The Lion King is not always
[00:06:20] a success. Oh, yeah. That's same with it. Can you feel the love
[00:06:22] tonight and then the lions are like making out missionary style?
[00:06:25] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know, very similar to Mark Ruffalo
[00:06:28] in the normal heart. Yeah, we should tack on the beginning.
[00:06:33] We should tack on the beginning of the last... No, I think we should
[00:06:36] throw that away. Why? Half of it was me sitting on hold with
[00:06:39] them with the post-op. It's a funny bonus. It's a funny bonus.
[00:06:41] They're a recap of the Justice League movie for you.
[00:06:45] That was funny. Yeah, that was funny. That was kind of funny.
[00:06:48] The mustache thing is funny. Yeah, well, you'll never know about it,
[00:06:51] guys. Whatever. You know, it was funny, speaking of like
[00:06:56] cartoon sex is like Avatar, where they like...
[00:07:00] They tie their like... Their tails? Their tail pussies together?
[00:07:04] Yeah. And that's how they fuck? Yeah. That was like a whole thing in
[00:07:07] porn after Avatar was that there was like not being... Oh, yeah, dude.
[00:07:10] As soon as Avatar came out, Fleshlight made it alien style pussies.
[00:07:15] That was just like a blue... Yeah, it was for people who wanted to
[00:07:17] fuck the Navee. Nice. How about this? The Novee.
[00:07:21] They got no vagina. Oh, no fakes. That's what I say to that.
[00:07:25] Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a new Avatar. I wouldn't fuck with enough.
[00:07:28] So much. They're making a second one. Yeah, it was
[00:07:30] fucking horrible. Yeah. Giovanni- It's assumed that James Cameron isn't
[00:07:34] also one of the pedophiles. Yeah, that would be awesome. Yeah, he's too
[00:07:37] autistic. Although, he just... Terminator's good. He's just... I don't think
[00:07:41] he has sexual function. Yeah, he just sucks, dick. That's why he has to go to
[00:07:44] the bottom of the ocean. To fuck one of those weird little words.
[00:07:47] To fuck one of those fish that look like aliens? Yeah, a lot of teeth.
[00:07:50] That's what he's into. One of those vampires. One of those vampires.
[00:07:53] Vampire Octopies. I don't fuck my goth, mall, girlfriend, octopus.
[00:08:01] That's why he's always down there. He's hanging his dick out the little window.
[00:08:04] That's right, dude. That's a good astral. I know a lot of people at home are
[00:08:08] probably like, what the fuck is? I didn't even say anything.
[00:08:11] It's kind of just lazy. Nah, nah, nah. You're incorrect.
[00:08:15] Nah, brother. Wait until you get to that bit on SNL. James Cameron
[00:08:18] fucking a vampire octopus in the mouth. People are like, get him.
[00:08:24] Resistance. We will overcome Donald Trump by
[00:08:31] watching James Cameron fuck a starfish.
[00:08:35] Yo, you know they got SpongeBob on Broadway now?
[00:08:38] And it's just people? There's a piece... He's not even in a yellow suit or nothing.
[00:08:42] It's a guy with fucking just a pompadour in Brown Slacks and a white shirt.
[00:08:47] SpongeBob, you being used to mop up a bunch of cum. That's good.
[00:08:51] That is good. Against his will. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:08:54] It's soaking in the body. Just tank it, you fucking bitch.
[00:08:59] What does SpongeBob sound like? What does SpongeBob sound like?
[00:09:02] Ah, he sounds like annoying his fuck. Does he sound like this?
[00:09:06] Sort of. Yeah, yeah, he actually has a good... I never watched SpongeBob.
[00:09:10] Do you remember Raka's modern life? His friend Philbert... I want to fuck your ass.
[00:09:13] That's Squidward. Philbert was like a Jewish turtle. Oh boy.
[00:09:18] I'm delicious. I'm getting delicious. Yeah. That show was sick.
[00:09:22] Raka's modern life. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember the music box? Adam's favorite show was Sup Kocko's
[00:09:27] modern life. Damn it. I was damn, dude. I was gonna say Focko's hard-ass dick.
[00:09:32] Adam also watched that show. They came on at one after the other. My parents wouldn't let me.
[00:09:38] And then of course Young Sheldon, which they gave Adam an advanced copy of,
[00:09:42] which is to it this day his favorite show. You like how Young Sheldon?
[00:09:47] Yeah, I really like him. Adam was sad. I don't watch a big bank there. And he's like,
[00:09:52] what if Sheldon was young? Why couldn't there be a young version of this man?
[00:09:56] Sheldon Edelson. Yeah. The guy who raped Young Sheldon. That's another call back to
[00:10:02] an episode like 20 episodes ago. Yeah, that was a funny joke.
[00:10:06] I guess one of the actors from Charles in Charge said,
[00:10:09] I was raped repeatedly on the set of Charles in Charge. I want Scott Beyo to say something about it.
[00:10:14] Oh, damn. Wow. Yeah. Charles in Charge. Scott Beyo is not saying anything.
[00:10:19] Scott Beyo is too stoked about Trump being the president. Yeah.
[00:10:23] Well, it looks like Scott Gao, Scott Beyo was Scott Gao for a Scott five-year-old Zayo.
[00:10:31] Yeah. Gao Scott gave it five stars. That's good, man.
[00:10:37] Yeah. I just gave Scott Beyo. Scott Beyo opens the food company. He's like,
[00:10:43] Scott Beyo here for Scott Beyo's Biscatios. Scottie Bao's Biscatios.
[00:10:50] And that was the whole joke. It was in my weed years. Yeah, dude. That's good shit.
[00:10:57] I was cracking myself up last night, imagining doing a bit on stage where I talk about how I'm
[00:11:02] trying to give back to people. So I'm opening a charity called Blades for AIDS, where I provide
[00:11:09] roller blades for guys with AIDS, which seems like it doesn't really do much. But hey, they love
[00:11:16] roller blades. Well, they already have roller blades. They talk about love roller blades. It would have
[00:11:19] to be good. Well, it would have to be you would have to like maintain, like to help them do
[00:11:24] maintenance on their roller blades. Yeah. Because you know, like, hey, buddy, where'd you get those
[00:11:29] cool roller blades? I have AIDS. Yeah. Thank you, sir, for telling me. That's why that scene in
[00:11:40] Big Daddy, where they throw the sticks that the roller blades. That's homophobic. Yeah, that's true.
[00:11:47] How about Big Daddy? And it said guy that has a son, he was a player, I have a son, but he still
[00:11:53] loves to just get fucked in his ass and mouth all day. He's still a total fuck pig. That's good.
[00:11:58] And it's pig daddy. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. Let's see all the Adam Sandler movies. Okay. Happy Gilmore.
[00:12:11] Happy Gilmore. Happy Filmor. And it's a guy that, you know, he wants to be a golf player. His ass is
[00:12:17] already pretty full of his guide full of comms. He's like, keep walking by it. I'm going to get my
[00:12:24] more. I'm going to get my ass home. You know, like that. A little Nicky, but it's a little
[00:12:38] Dickie. Yeah, that was that was easy money. Sure. Okay, Billy Madison, Billy, Matt, Matt, Matt,
[00:12:49] how about my asshole? Silly Faggotsen. Yeah. And he's just, you know, yeah, same voice I did earlier.
[00:12:56] Yeah, I'm a definite. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Sure. These are all great ideas.
[00:13:03] Yes, guys. These are all the brilliant ideas that are really going to help us break through
[00:13:09] into the entertainment. What about instead of really looking for groundbreaking,
[00:13:15] punching up kind of stuff like this? Okay, here's punching up instead of the wedding singer,
[00:13:20] the Brian singer. Right. Oh, that's good. And he just fucking killed you on the set of X-Men
[00:13:26] too. Getting heading singer. Adam, great stuff, honestly. Thank you. I appreciate it. I
[00:13:32] I, but it was that was necessary. I accept defeat. I accept defeat. Who's gonna suck?
[00:13:44] Yo, I like the wedding. So that was a good movie. Anyway, but I don't even break up our
[00:13:49] momentum here. Hmm. Was it Mr. Biggs? Was that one? Mr. Deeds. Mr. Deeds. Mr.
[00:13:55] Mr. Deeds out of his ass. You didn't fuck to. There we go. There we go, brother. There.
[00:14:06] What was the good movie he was in that everyone's good? No, no.
[00:14:08] I drunk love. Come drunk. Come drunk. Yeah. Come drunk. Easy. Yeah.
[00:14:13] Come. I love getting drunk off. Come and punching my boyfriend for not coming enough.
[00:14:18] That's a good movie. Oh, nice and concise. This is really getting me right now. Yeah.
[00:14:29] This is really funny to me. This is really funny to me. Yeah. I'm high off my big win against
[00:14:36] the post office. Yeah. You told them, dude. They're gonna make you postmaster general. Yeah.
[00:14:42] At more like assmaster general. You know, lick my ass like a man. You have to be racist to be
[00:14:48] the postmaster, right? Yep. I thought they only a staff that position out of the clan. That's right.
[00:14:54] Postmaster is actually what's up with the mailman that still wear a pith helmets. Is that
[00:14:59] is that is that honest? I have seen them when I was in Austin four years ago is the last time I
[00:15:04] saw one. Well, that's Texas helmets. Is that hot? Does it make it less? No, it's a it's they made
[00:15:09] them for the military in Africa. Yeah, it's like a safari style look. Yeah, does it make but that's
[00:15:15] what I mean? Like does it make that a down? What's pith? Pith is part of the tree that's not the
[00:15:20] heartwood? I guess it's like the younger part of the tree. I thought it was the way gay guy says
[00:15:25] piss. Yeah, it is. Thank you. That's what he calls the tip of his deck is my pith helmet.
[00:15:33] Oh, a male man. There's double double. Double the fun. I can't wait to suck that male man.
[00:15:54] Oh boy, I just got back from Cleveland. I'm fucking I'm fucking hungry shit because I've
[00:15:59] been vegetarian boys. I'm hungry, but I got to wait till this goddamn male man comes back out and
[00:16:05] delivers me my 140 pound weight vest. That is definitely they are the assholes.
[00:16:13] Some fucking guy with a bad bag. That's just a lot of you.
[00:16:18] That's right. All the way up to stay. That's what you get for not dying in 911 with your buddies.
[00:16:26] And you could have been a hero and you chose to deliver the male instead of being a fireman.
[00:16:43] We we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we we
[00:16:45] we laugh so hard whenever I would hear that. That was a great song, dude.
[00:16:50] Shuts out little wheezy. I've sold so many of those ringtones. Oh, that's right. You were a
[00:16:54] fireman. Yeah, dude. At the mall. Who was the biggest seller? Who was the hottest selling
[00:16:59] ringtone of the day? Probably Lil Wayne, dude. Back then. Riding dirty was probably pretty good,
[00:17:03] too, right? Fuck. Riding dirty. I don't know, man. Camillionaires and millionaire of ringtone
[00:17:07] money. That's story about him and Michael Jackson is so funny. The millionaire? Yeah, Michael Jordan
[00:17:12] and Camillionaire. Oh, what happened? This while it is story. It involves the punch line.
[00:17:19] It hinges on an end where the punch line is the end. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Jordan called
[00:17:23] him the end word. Yeah. A bile Jordan broke one, I believe, right? Like a notoriously nice guy.
[00:17:31] Yeah, he dresses so fucking stupid, too. My man's just got baggy ass fucking the best
[00:17:36] canvas pants. Yeah, the zipper on his pants. I'm dressed good as shit. No, no, Michael Michael
[00:17:42] Jordan's all about like acid faded jencos with that jeans with butt flaps on him. Yeah,
[00:17:48] diamond. It's always like we're like the zipper of his jeans is like three and a half feet long. Yeah,
[00:17:53] it's always like a hockey jersey and then like oversized shorts. Black Kevin,
[00:17:58] and skateboarding shoes. What's the guy from Fat Guy's skateboarding shoes is Kevin. Yeah,
[00:18:04] he's the black Kevin Smith is Jordan. What is it? Fat guy skateboarding shoes is the funniest.
[00:18:10] It's always the funniest look. I've never won skateboarding shoes in my life. Really? Fat guys
[00:18:14] were in the skateboarding shoes that turn sideways because of their weight. Oh, yeah, it's awful.
[00:18:19] They never have laces. They're leaning so hard to one side. Remember those shoes? I used to work
[00:18:25] at Papa John's. The manager was this fact I filled it with wear skate shoes and he like never ever
[00:18:30] ever washed his Papa John's shirt. So it was like, there was like baked dough bought from the
[00:18:38] corneal mixing with his body. There's just on the shirt and then the shirt somehow went past his
[00:18:43] ass and he would sag his pants. So his he wore like a size 32 pant underneath his ass and then
[00:18:51] he was like, whole body was fat. So his like shirt went like down and in like tucked into his cheeks.
[00:18:59] You can see his ass cheeks. Yeah. Yeah. I think I told the story about him on the podcast before.
[00:19:05] I can't remember. But one day me and another driver show up to store and the store is not open.
[00:19:09] Yes. But yeah, quickly. What do you mean quickly? Say it. Tell the story. Oh, but I told it already.
[00:19:15] I think so. Yeah. Yeah. We're like, we found out like hours later, feels like, yeah, burn down
[00:19:21] my apartment complex. Yes, yes, yes. But don't worry. My PlayStation's okay. Salute. Salute to a
[00:19:30] true warrior, dude. No, having his fucking priorities in line. Yeah. And his dad. I didn't lose my
[00:19:36] life. The apartment complex. That's right. That's right. Yeah. He was supposed to be like the
[00:19:41] manager or some shit. He was just some fail sound that lived in his dad's apartment complex,
[00:19:45] rent free and he burned the fucking thing down. Well, he's not making money, but at least he's
[00:19:51] not destroying the way I make. Yeah. Philip. I like to imagine his dad is like also fat, but
[00:20:01] like a serious businessman, but he wears his clothes the same way. Like a business suit on,
[00:20:07] but tucked in below his ass. Just the striped button down shirt. Yeah. Highlighting his fucking
[00:20:13] agate. Fat cheeks. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good look to that. I'll make your butt cheeks pop,
[00:20:17] honestly. Yeah. You probably got a nice look at his cheeks. Nice little bubble, but
[00:20:21] mmm, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Suck my dick,
[00:20:31] eat my ass. You know, you want to do it. But fuck. Yeah. I just got back from the land. I guess I like
[00:20:35] Cleveland. I hear it's tight. Yeah. It's a. I like Erie. I didn't see Mimi. I didn't see either of
[00:20:43] the guys from whose line is it anyway that one guy from whose line is it anyway. The other guy
[00:20:46] wasn't whose line. The other guy is in office. Yeah. He was great. He was the next door neighbor
[00:20:52] in office. Yeah. Yep. Yep. I didn't see Drew or Colin Ferguson. Yeah. Oh, that's right. He was
[00:20:59] the boss. That show had like some that show looks like a hell of a lot of fun. Yeah. You know,
[00:21:05] even if it wasn't funny, it looked like they were having fun. I loved it. I watched it a lot
[00:21:08] as a small fucking child. You probably looked a lot like Drew Harry as a child. I did. He was
[00:21:13] one of my heroes. All the black kids because everywhere I went, it was like 90 percent.
[00:21:17] All my schools was like 90 percent black 10 percent white. And every time there was a new fat
[00:21:24] white comedian, everyone just said I looked like him. Like Ralphie. Yeah. I got Ralphie May. I got
[00:21:30] Drew Carey. I got Jack Black. I got Kevin James was a big one. Yeah. And I would take that. Did you
[00:21:37] get Farley? I got. Well, you are falling down guy. Did you ever say, but I look like a fan? What?
[00:21:45] No, I never said my man looked like a fan. Oh, can I just say, so it's not buried at the end of the
[00:21:49] episode. Our funny moms on the 11th next week is our last one of the year. And we're not back until
[00:21:57] the fourth week of January because they have some sort of. Oh, shit, really? Yeah, because the fourth,
[00:22:02] uh, the fourth one this this month is Christmas. So the 11th is our fun our finale for New York
[00:22:08] for the year and then we're off. And we got Tim Dylan will be on that show. We haven't booked
[00:22:11] the rest of it, but I thought you said yams is on it. No, she can't do it. She can't do it. Yeah. So
[00:22:16] Tim Dylan will be there and then we're gonna we're gonna book it. It'll be a hot ass line. We're gonna
[00:22:20] have like a lot of also in the 22nd. I guess we're doing blood DC. Yeah. The black cat. I just wanted
[00:22:25] to highlight that'll be a live show. And we've got some surprises for you. AKA, we're gonna
[00:22:31] fuck Adam live on stage. Yeah, we're gonna agree to do it for comedy. We're gonna try to do the
[00:22:36] podcast live and Peter out ever 15 minutes. And then it's gonna be the worst show that they've ever
[00:22:44] put in life. No, it's gonna be good, dude. You think like, uh, sometimes I like to imagine like
[00:22:50] Gigi Allen just like ran out of songs one time. And he's like, I don't know what to do.
[00:22:54] I started eating. Sitting and eating and they're like, yeah. That's it. That's my thing.
[00:23:04] Getting fisted on stage. Like playing a fucking ukulele. It's completely different music.
[00:23:10] He's like, I'm gonna manage. I love having sex. Right. Yeah, he's got a manager's office. He's like,
[00:23:16] I've got an act for you. Yeah. Boy, do we have it. This is gonna be top of the pops. Let me tell
[00:23:23] you fuck kids. Didn't you have a song? I was like, you were surprised by yourself. The stupid
[00:23:26] fucking movie, dude. Yeah, the doctor is such a stupid fucking movie. Yeah. Well, it's fine. It's
[00:23:32] just stop pretending it's anything that's like, you know, the subject is like art or anything.
[00:23:37] Yeah. Guess who's outside? Uh oh. Mail time. Mail the mail time.
[00:23:42] Well, the fucking man. All right, let's take a break and then we'll come back.
[00:23:45] Well, he's not. Yeah, I'm just gonna run downstairs real quick. I'll go down there and handle the
[00:23:50] shit. All right. All right. Nick is running downstairs like it's Christmas morning right now.
[00:23:54] So he can get his fucking weight vest 160. I have so you ever celebrated a single Christmas?
[00:24:00] I went up. I would date it a girl. I have to been celebrated. No, no, no. This is ridiculous.
[00:24:08] This is. All right. So I've been left alone on the podcast, ladies and gentlemen.
[00:24:14] It's just me. This has been something that I've been dreaming of for a long time. So
[00:24:23] I want to say a couple of things. One is that Nick and Stav are my best friends and I appreciate
[00:24:33] all of the dishes, the onage, the insults that are hurled at me every week.
[00:24:39] And I actually have planned them. I plan them myself. I write them in an email the night before
[00:24:46] every episode. You know, where Nick called me a narcissist today. I actually prepared that for Nick
[00:24:56] and it was my idea. So if you hop on board that joke, that means you're literally just
[00:25:02] stealing a bit that I had written for Nick and Stav. If your dick had a mouth, would you suck
[00:25:07] another dick with it? My dick had a mouth. Why? Like, would I dock another dick with my?
[00:25:18] It would feel like it would be a mouth. So it would be like you're putting something in your
[00:25:22] mouth, but it's a smaller mouth. No, why would I do that? To be cool to that guy. Would you do that?
[00:25:27] Yeah, if you ask me. Would you suck another guy's dick with your real mouth? No, but with my dick
[00:25:32] mouth, it doesn't have taste buds, by the way. So would you just feel it going inside? You would
[00:25:38] feel like an object going into your mouth. I wonder what it's like to suck a dick.
[00:25:43] Yeah, it's probably a what does a dick taste like? Because you know, dick and balls get like a
[00:25:48] stick like after like six hours after I shower at dick and balls. It's quite a the messy affair,
[00:25:53] though. Yeah, but I'm so accustomed to the flavor. Even if you've had a hot dog in your mouth,
[00:25:58] you've had a banana in your mouth. Is it like just like that? We know the geometric, you know,
[00:26:05] the fucking feeling like it's like a hot dog because it's got kind of a skin on it. Yeah,
[00:26:09] it would be a lot like hot dog. I feel like I hear Nick yelling at the post office guy.
[00:26:14] Is he outside? Yeah, he's outside. The audience is really going to love this.
[00:26:19] We'll just fucking pause it. Fuck Nick. All right, we're going to pause it. We'll be right back
[00:26:22] once Nick has yelled at this minimum wage postal employee. We're back. If you notice the difference
[00:26:30] in my voice sounds more masculine because I'm now 85 pounds heavier than I was prior to the break.
[00:26:37] Your balls dropped. That's right, dude. I'm wearing 85 pounds of hot fucking lead. That's right.
[00:26:44] He's wearing the fucking vest. He just did one pull up and he's winded from it. I'm fucking yeah.
[00:26:48] I don't know if I can walk in that. So yeah, props on that one pull up. I can probably do
[00:26:56] three. Well, that's why I'm you got to go max effort when you're trying something for the first
[00:27:00] time. Oh, yeah. I can probably do three. I could probably do four. No, you can. Well,
[00:27:07] what would you weigh? 10 pounds? What do I weigh currently? No, we add you add 85 pounds. You're
[00:27:12] weight and you would be what 46? Yeah, your asshole absorbs weight. It's like a black hole.
[00:27:20] Yeah, dude. That's true. Yeah. Well, it's actually hard because his asshole is constantly making a
[00:27:26] sucking motion. That's right. So when he does do a pull up, his asshole is sucking him closer to
[00:27:31] the ground. So it's it's harder. It's harder. Yeah. I forgot to give you thanks for appreciating
[00:27:36] that you're. Thank you for giving me pro. Your asshole like loves sucking is it's like an octopus
[00:27:42] is is this is I'm lost track of what we talked about because we stopped and started so many times.
[00:27:48] Yeah, James Cameron time. James Cameron fucking an octopus. I think that was in our last
[00:27:54] in the in the one that's in the lost episode. No, no, the one that's okay. Just damn, I would
[00:28:00] be so damn powerful when I max out this weight vest. Are you gonna wear that around? Are you
[00:28:04] gonna wear that on the side way? That's bad for your joints to walk around like, yeah, I just
[00:28:08] wear it for the yeah, I'm gonna walk around and but maybe your thoughts and have like really
[00:28:14] bad. No, just do squats. You look like like Delta Delta Force. No, you just do squats for that
[00:28:19] shit. Are you gonna be able to sit up from the position you're in right now? I'm actually mobilized.
[00:28:27] There we go. It took a little effort. Yeah, I'm still I with this on I still weigh less than
[00:28:31] stop does. Yeah, but you're not you got how many pounds on right now? 85 85. How much do I right
[00:28:38] now? I weigh like 157. Okay. Yeah, you do weigh less than me. Yeah. Well, that's why I stay fat.
[00:28:45] It's not it's for my health. I get stronger. Oh, you do it like you're always wearing. Yeah,
[00:28:50] but wait, but you only do it to do pull ups. I do it grocery store having sex.
[00:28:55] Mm hmm. Taking a shit. I'm always fat. Yeah. So I could lose weight like that, but I choose not
[00:29:02] to to maintain strength and alpha. Yeah, alpha dumb. Can you do one pull up? I cannot, but that's
[00:29:08] because because the rest of my body's too strong. We should see how much how much I need to add
[00:29:13] before I'm stopped to wait and then see if I can do one and then we put the when we put it on Adam
[00:29:19] and see if Adam can do it. See if Adam can do it. You Adam has to walk up the stairs at stop wait.
[00:29:25] Yeah, live. Yeah, live in my focus. So I'm like 142. So we would add a 120 pounds. Yeah,
[00:29:32] 100, 150. Yeah. All right, let's go 120. I'll go 120. Yeah, I'll give you that five extra.
[00:29:41] I say 110. I'll be I'll be that way. Okay, you give me 110? Yeah, I could take the stairs. Yeah,
[00:29:46] I could take the stairs. No. All right. Well, now it's now it's 100. Yeah, you lost about half a pound
[00:29:52] on that on that diary on that. That's trombone that you just what was that fucking satchemo coming
[00:30:00] out of your ass. And I suck on my dick. And I think to myself until I turn water, beautiful day.
[00:30:09] The way you suck my dick. The way you break my pee. The way you eat my ass. Oh, no, you can't take
[00:30:28] that away from me. Yeah, you guys could never, you know, live in my shoes, dude. Yeah, it's a tough
[00:30:37] life. All this extra weight, but more of a little bit regular obese. We've covered this. I'm not
[00:30:44] morbid Leo beast. I am the regular kind of obese. But I have very powerful, a very powerful lower
[00:30:52] body as a result. And when I do decide to shed the pounds, which will be any day now,
[00:30:59] I will have the largest, most luxurious legs and quads and fucking hamstrings you've ever seen
[00:31:04] in your life. You look so fucking weird if you lost weight. We could do you know what we could do
[00:31:09] is look good as shit. You know, like a couple episodes ago when you were describing your thanks
[00:31:14] giving me with your family for yes, for like it took like six minutes to get through all the food,
[00:31:18] by the way, she took me into vegetarianism. We could do like maybe like a we could cut that with like
[00:31:24] you wearing like a woman like a older woman's costume, maybe a grandma costume, but you could do
[00:31:29] a whole clumps thing of your family. I would love to be nice. Hercules Hercules. Yeah, you could play
[00:31:35] your mom. You could play your grandma, your old green, my racist uncle, racist uncle. It's not me.
[00:31:41] It's a character. It's a character. Yeah. I don't understand. You know, they have the bodies. They
[00:31:46] have this gorilla body. Why do we let them in the same schools, you know, that's my racist uncle.
[00:31:54] What's his name? Pandelie. He's named after Peter Pan. Yeah, yeah.
[00:32:03] But the Lisa Greek name. I don't have a pan. He's named after pan. He's named the goat leg sky
[00:32:09] with the flute. Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's racist. You should go as that guy for Halloween
[00:32:15] next year. Yeah, it's just a regular. Oh, pan the goat guy. Yeah, that's actually not a matter. Yeah,
[00:32:20] shirtless. Yeah, shirtless, hoof feet. And he's also horny. He's horny as shit. Super horny.
[00:32:26] Now we're talking that's that's right up your alley, but those guys fucked. That's that was Hercules's
[00:32:31] mentor in Hercules, the animated movie. Pan was one of those guys, a half goat guy. And in reality,
[00:32:37] he would have been fucking and sucking left and right. I'm pretty cool. They sucked each other off
[00:32:42] too. Nick, your thoughts? Oh, I don't know. You're not a big mythology, but I think Pan was Greek. I
[00:32:49] thought it was the I thought it was from like Chronicles and Narnie or some shit. There's some
[00:32:55] eyebrows over by the way, that guy that did Pan's Labyrinth, which is named Gary not Guillermo
[00:33:02] Diltoro. Yeah, it is. Is it? Yeah, Gilmore Diltoro. He's got a new fucking Elmo. I want to suck a cock.
[00:33:14] And then he tacos. Sure. Yeah, why not? Because Diltoro. Right. Yeah. He's of bull. Right? And I want
[00:33:26] to suck a bull's cock. I'm Gailmo. He's got a new movie where this thing's like compressing my
[00:33:36] circulatory system. So you take it off? I don't think so. You seem like you're in distress, bro.
[00:33:41] I am. I'm falling asleep. I'm like choking myself out with this 85 pound weight bass on.
[00:33:49] Adam, put your fucking phone away. Sorry. What are you doing? I just had it. I had an e-babe
[00:33:53] bid. I had the place. What was it? What was it? He's buying anti coins. I'm buying. Huh? I'm buying
[00:33:59] sneakers. You're buying someone's jokes. No, I'm buying bapes. Bapes. You're buying bathing apes.
[00:34:05] Yeah, bathing apes sneakers. What kind? The bapes does. I'm in the mood for a new track suit myself.
[00:34:13] Oh, dude. I almost bought one last night. I mean, never mind. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
[00:34:18] I want to buy. Yeah, I'm trying to buy. What kind of tracks do you want to buy? Let's talk about.
[00:34:21] It was a Adidas like made in Japan. I took a picture of it. I almost sent it to you guys.
[00:34:26] Okay. Well, that doesn't do anything on a podcast. I'll read it. I'll read it right now.
[00:34:29] Describe it. It looked really tight. It's like navy blue and orange, which sounds weird.
[00:34:33] Oh, I saw that. That is you know that one. The Adidas originals made in Japan. Oh, this joint.
[00:34:39] This one. Oh, actually, that's not that good. No, it's like a Star Trek outfit. Yeah, it sort of
[00:34:44] does look like cat. My man over here trying to look like Captain Aspakard. My man trying to,
[00:34:49] but you're Deanna Troy. That's who you are on the show. Adam. Oh, no, no, I'm not. She the one with
[00:34:54] the big titties, a Greek woman. Yeah, I used to think she was one of the hottest girls in the world.
[00:34:58] She's because she looked like you. No, she just was your role model. My hair was never that
[00:35:02] luscious. And I was like, that's a that's me a big breast. I was not riker.
[00:35:09] Riker and I was meeting women on media growing up. That's good. That is going to be me when I grow
[00:35:20] don't try to laugh at it, bitch. Don't try to include yourself in our own of you.
[00:35:24] Good one, guys. Thanks. Shut up. Shut up, bitch. That's right. I gave him a
[00:35:32] what you thought. Those guys are the best. Yeah. Keep going, fellas. Everyone get me in.
[00:35:39] Ian does that. Ian did that with with Lewis. Well, he has no like,
[00:35:43] remember Lewis through the car. He was a coffee. That's so great, bitch. Bring me my coffee.
[00:35:48] I felt bad. It was just through the coffee on the ground. I felt so bad for Ian the other night,
[00:35:53] because he told me I was dad died and I was just laughing in his face.
[00:36:00] Well, his dad got smashed by a train, but like not hit by a train. He got smashed. What do you mean
[00:36:05] underneath? No, the train was like suspended from a crane and it like, oh my god, like looney
[00:36:13] tunes like a fan. He got flatted down. Yeah, you got fucking wow, splat. Right. The last sound he
[00:36:19] did before he died was just like as an accordion back and forth. Well, I was just laughing to
[00:36:24] imagine, you know, the guys from the train company having to go to, you know, young Ian being like,
[00:36:29] I'm sorry, your father was smashed. He's like, you got fucked. Oh, yeah. That's why Ian's trying
[00:36:36] to get fucked to death is because he thought that he could live up to, you know, those expectations.
[00:36:41] Which creates the only way to get caught now is if three guys are running a train. I felt bad.
[00:36:46] That's trying to laugh at him. He was clearly sad. He goes, he goes, he's like, yeah, you know,
[00:36:51] I mean, you don't you really don't accept it or whatever. He's like, what are you asking him for?
[00:36:56] The charger. He's like, yeah, you know, I would just, I would see homeless people and take
[00:37:01] their were happy like, you know, you really don't give up hope. Don't tell me that.
[00:37:07] I'm trying to laugh at you. How humanize this? Right. Don't make the greatest tragedy of your life.
[00:37:12] That is clearly shaped the rest of the world. I'm like, how fucking insane is this?
[00:37:17] His life was honestly him and his friend Jackie each other off. Let's be, let's be real here.
[00:37:22] No, that was, that was all. No, I'm just kidding. That's really sad. And what we saying, Nick?
[00:37:31] I don't know. I'm having trouble thinking now.
[00:37:34] Thanks. You know, you have a hundred pound vest on you and you're you're so exhausted from
[00:37:40] your flawless victory and all the most off over the real triumph. I don't give a shit about the
[00:37:46] pullups. They I won. You beat you beat the mailman. Why did you take a picture of my truck? I'm like,
[00:37:55] because I'm allowed to. And he's like, this is federal government property. I'm like, yeah,
[00:37:58] that means I'm allowed to take a picture of it. Also school disaster. Take that puppy. Yeah,
[00:38:04] you're out in a public street. You have no expectation of privacy. Yep. You're and your
[00:38:09] celebrity as a mailman. You're a public figure. Yes. You're getting put. I thought you were Corey
[00:38:13] Feldman. Yeah. Trying prosecute that shit, motherfucker. You're getting a ton of pussy all around town.
[00:38:20] Yeah. Yeah, man. If I was a mailman, I would fuck. I would fuck everyone on the route. Me too.
[00:38:27] Be like knock, knock, knock. Yeah. Special. I got your milk right here. The milk you order.
[00:38:32] I actually I used to work at a grocery store with this old Bolivian guy that would fuck women in
[00:38:38] like the generator room. Yeah. He just he was like a fucking like in his early 40s, this short,
[00:38:44] like disgusting Bolivian guy. Oh, yeah, dude. That he was like, yeah, I fuck all the women in the
[00:38:48] back. How did he do? He went up. He was like, he told me one time he was like, I went over this
[00:38:54] woman. I was like, Oh, you like milk? What about Charlie milk? You know what I'm saying? And then
[00:38:58] she came in the back. That's true. I mean, that's what he said. Yeah, it's really not true. There's
[00:39:04] this other guy, Kevin, another old guy that worked there. I'm like, is that shit that Henry says
[00:39:08] true? He's like, yeah, he's like one time he had this woman in the back. I mean, came out and he
[00:39:13] got me. And he was like, do you want to come fuck? I'm like, I'm like, what? The old guy was
[00:39:19] a wait, wait, wait, wait, this isn't like he's not like bringing his like side bitches. No, no,
[00:39:25] those are strangers. These women picking up a can of garbanzo beans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're
[00:39:30] like, you know what? I could get wrong. I'm gonna buy some five to Guatemala. Yeah, yeah. You like
[00:39:37] beans? He's a Bolivia. I mean, he wasn't fat, but you know, was he sexy? No, no, no, no, he was
[00:39:44] like a daily guy who works at a grocery of 55 year old man that works with roster's store. He was just a
[00:39:49] Bolivian poo. Yeah, yeah, he just had such incredible skills. Yeah, no, and I remember I went up to the
[00:39:53] manager one time this guy, Ricky. And I like had to ask him about something. And there's this woman
[00:39:58] talking to him. She's like, seriously, that is not okay. Ricky's like, yeah, I understand we will
[00:40:03] discuss this with him and people face constant. And then he's like, fuck him. He's I don't know
[00:40:08] what she's talking about. But the woman finally leaves and I'm like, that about Henry? He's like,
[00:40:12] man, Henry, fucking that dude. He's like, he's got a cool it, man. He can't keep trying to fuck all
[00:40:19] these customers in the store. What the fuck dude? That is incredible. Yeah, that's you. It was hilarious.
[00:40:28] Do you think it's like a boom house situation? Like he just throws it out so many times. He's got
[00:40:33] to like, he's got to sink like like one out of every 200 threes. You know, that's kind of I mean,
[00:40:37] that's like the that's it was the James Tobac thing. That's the getting rate 1000 win. Yeah,
[00:40:44] 100 of them believe it consensual. It was his quote, his famous quote that Alec Baldwin. Yeah,
[00:40:48] I used to have on his desk in the show 30. Yeah. No, I never hear what James Tobac had to say about
[00:40:57] fucking. Yo, that is insane. That guy was fucking back. He's your hero, isn't he? He is. I want to
[00:41:05] be that guy. I'm going to get a grocery store job and ask every woman I see meekly to have sex with
[00:41:10] me. And they will all say no. Do you want to call me noted back? Also, like, excuse me, the machine
[00:41:16] room. It's like this room that like generates electricity and shit. It's like dangerous. This
[00:41:21] loud fucking yeah. It's like, yeah, it's a scary, scary, scary, kind of place like a middle age
[00:41:29] woman want to get fucked. But I guess, hey, you know, that is fucking insane opportunity to cheat
[00:41:37] on your husband with like, I mean, who who will ever suspect at that? Right. There's no that is
[00:41:44] that will never come back on you. Yeah. If you want some strange little dick,
[00:41:48] and he probably didn't have a big day. He's a short guy. Right? Five two, you said. I know.
[00:41:53] I'm Adam said that. Yeah, I think you said that. You called him five two. I don't know. But yeah,
[00:42:00] he's probably like five five or so. He's the real last dude of the week.
[00:42:06] Bao, bao, bao, bao, bao, bao, bao, bao, bao. Damn, dude. I that is my hero. Fuck.
[00:42:13] Have you ever fucked in a place of business, Adam?
[00:42:19] I'm trying to think I would jack off in my all my old jobs, but never had sex.
[00:42:23] Yeah. Do you guys ever jack off at school?
[00:42:26] Yeah, I used to do that in high school on the bathroom.
[00:42:29] Yeah, in the bathroom. I don't think so. Like when my hormones were just that crazy.
[00:42:33] I remember one time I was sitting in class. We couldn't get rid of that. I was sitting in science class.
[00:42:37] Yeah. And this other kid came out of me. He said that's nice to me. Yeah.
[00:42:40] And he came in and he looked like a ghost and he just got into the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:42:44] I was like, what's up? He's like, dude, I just went to the bathroom.
[00:42:46] And there was a retarded kid in there washing his balls in the sink.
[00:42:56] And I like, you know, as soon as he said that, there was like the dust cloud outline of me.
[00:43:02] And I was like, but I didn't see it. Oh, no, you missed it. Yeah, I didn't see it. Damn.
[00:43:12] Fuck. Oh my God. It's just so funny that it's like,
[00:43:16] the retarded kid thought that was part of the process.
[00:43:18] You're right. And then you wash your balls.
[00:43:22] Well, he probably got a little piss on his balls. Yeah. And it's like, well, there's only one thing
[00:43:26] that the only one way to rectify this. Well, when you're retarded, your whole life is going to
[00:43:29] the bathroom. They fucking straight up love going to the bathroom. They get into it. They pull
[00:43:34] their pants all the way down. Classic all the way down. I'm all the way down. I'm
[00:43:40] retarded. I'm pulling my pants all the way down. I'm pissing retarded.
[00:43:46] I saw this fucking junkie on the train, like singing that all the way.
[00:43:50] Oh, yeah. He had horrific like scoliosis and then like a pencil, strap, beard and like,
[00:43:59] yeah, you can tell his body was just awful, but like a nine XLT.
[00:44:05] He's like, oh, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm fucking just falling into people.
[00:44:11] Shout out to Fat Joe somehow making a resurgence. Yeah. Yeah. Dude for him and Remy Ma.
[00:44:16] They're on everything. Remember lean back.
[00:44:18] The heart disease. Remember lean back? Of course, dude. Lean back. What a fucking hit.
[00:44:23] Poor, poor big pun, dude. He was fat as shit. Yeah. He was about your person. No, he was not. Yes,
[00:44:29] he was. That was funny when you post that pic with your melon. Someone replied with that. That was
[00:44:33] not funny. That was very cyber bullying. That was really good. Was cyber bull. What happened?
[00:44:40] So much reply with that pic of Fat Joe and big pun at the VMAs. They were both in suits. I like
[00:44:45] a wedding. The HTML looks very handsome and nice. You're a developed and we were being cyber
[00:44:50] bullying. So it was most of that pic where big pun is literally 800 pounds. Yeah. And I think he
[00:44:55] was like five, three or something. Yeah, he was not a very tall guy. He fucked though, despite his
[00:45:00] head, he had stops exact stats. No way, dude. I was strong as shit. That was like big pun.
[00:45:07] Big pun was really was was doing big things like during the with a fat dude. He was a hero.
[00:45:13] When Jean shorts, he was it was a very heavy Jean shorts era. And then like you see those videos
[00:45:18] where they go back to Puerto Rico and be on the beach and like he just being these like Jean
[00:45:23] shorts, which he didn't grow up fat either. He just he got that fat in like a four year time frame.
[00:45:29] Did he? Man, that must be such a fun. Because there's pictures of him from when he was like
[00:45:32] twice. Oh yeah, like in like a deetis track suits like sort of he was like normal size. Yeah. Oh,
[00:45:37] yeah, I've seen that. I've seen that picture too. It looks like kind of a goon. Yeah.
[00:45:40] Yeah. Dude, imagine how good that four years was just eating all the pastries. I don't know if
[00:45:45] it was that good cinnamon buns and shit fried chicken for every meal. I'm about to throw up from
[00:45:50] this vest. That's probably really pushing down. I'll tell you how it's working. It is really
[00:45:58] funny. Your podcast thing with this long. Yeah, dude. It makes you a better podcast. Absolutely.
[00:46:03] It's true. I've got ankle wisdom training. Yeah, dude. And I've got one of those balls that makes
[00:46:07] your pussy tighter. You squeeze it or whatever. I got one of those in my ass. To make my ass
[00:46:14] tight. Stop looking at your phone, motherfucker. It's just this. Fuck your baby shoes. Yeah, he's
[00:46:18] looking at his fucking notifications. This boy is notification and says, you can't wait to see what
[00:46:23] all of his adoring fans have to say about his latest stupid fucking picture. Which is a picture
[00:46:29] of you. Yeah, that's why I was not looking at the notifications. Tell us what you guys were saying.
[00:46:33] Yeah, we do look good. But I was not checking that. Who's trying to get who's trying to go on a
[00:46:40] date with a man in a great champion sweatsuits. The people that leave compliments on Instagram
[00:46:44] are fucking weird. It's weird. Yeah, I'd rather have an insult. I'm looking to be owned. Yeah,
[00:46:50] that's the only reason we're in business. Of course, dude. That's our breath. It's a toilet
[00:46:55] spinner around a negativity. What are you doing? Trying to pull a hair out of my pimp. That's how
[00:46:59] you express fandom of something is by destroying the person you're a fan of life. Yeah, yeah,
[00:47:06] yeah. That's what I it's like when people tried to get child protective services to take away
[00:47:10] Lewis's kid. He did. That's a bit. Holy shit. The greatest bit you could do. That is actually a
[00:47:22] great bit. Yeah. Not being a radio man fucking rules. Oh, yeah. Live by the sword. Die by the
[00:47:28] sword. Absolutely. That's why I wear a weight vest everywhere I go. So I know one day,
[00:47:34] they'll take all my money away. But you know what? I'll take away this vest and I'll be free.
[00:47:38] You'll be so fucking like I'm like, I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. You got to rub me.
[00:47:45] What was that about? Making her come? Yeah. It was like the clip is the bottom. You got to rub
[00:47:50] my clip the proper way. That sounds like a good song for tweens. Oh, yeah. Girls weren't
[00:47:57] talking like thongs and shit that would show. Yeah. That was middle school was snapping girls
[00:48:02] thongs. I was like the game tails. Everyone. I never did that girl. I was respectful of women.
[00:48:07] Dude, I would go. I guess you did. I would go from class to class and be like, yo, I just want to
[00:48:10] say right now I'm a feminist and I got so much pussy. But girls would be like, let me get that
[00:48:19] sweatsuit off over here. Bowl haircut. I hope the house keys around your neck. Don't get in the way
[00:48:25] of me. Something your day. You know, he's coming because he stops quoting the Simpsons for two
[00:48:33] seconds. Fuck yeah, dude. My pride and joy was an alien sweatsuit. I had had it. It was like,
[00:48:41] take me to your green. No, it was it was wholesome, but he but he looked that way. That alien.
[00:48:48] Take me to your pussy. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. I am from the planet. Big ass, hard-ass dick.
[00:49:00] Is your sister still handicapped at him? She's always wrong. She came over the
[00:49:05] other side. What happened? Her knee. Yeah. I fucked up. Oh no. She's like,
[00:49:10] she's feeling around like a disabled person. Yeah, but like two days later, she woke up and
[00:49:14] literally couldn't stand on her like we I went to the doctor with her. Yeah. You think you have to
[00:49:18] put her out? We haven't a there's a picture. She's like horses, right? Yeah, with an orthopedic
[00:49:23] their legs. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty pathetic that we didn't get her married before she busted
[00:49:28] the wheel. Yeah. Now she's pretty much useless. How's she gonna cook and clean with that? I have no
[00:49:32] idea. Um, that's what I expected my wife to cook and clean her way through every disability,
[00:49:40] especially her mental difficulties. That was my parents one criticism of my girlfriend when
[00:49:46] they met her. Because she knows how to read that she does that she doesn't cook and clean. They
[00:49:50] they noticed she doesn't cook and clean. When would she have done that visiting her thing?
[00:49:54] I think she did say that she doesn't cook to my parents. I'm like, well,
[00:49:59] they're like, we just want to make sure you don't become the maid at them. Maybe she maybe she thought
[00:50:03] they meant like math. Yeah. Yeah. No, cooking up that the break in that definition of cook. But
[00:50:10] your dad thought she sucked dick. Okay. I think my dad was attracted to
[00:50:15] Adam, you have to let me into peace. Yeah. Primanochtus son. Yeah, somebody's been watching Braveheart.
[00:50:23] Yeah, bro. I remember premonautis. Yeah. That was made that up. Yeah, there's no even back then
[00:50:29] that's like crazy fucked up. Yeah. Anyone could just fuck your wife on the wedding night. I mean,
[00:50:35] I guess you could do that probably if you're a lord you could do whatever you wanted. But yeah,
[00:50:39] I wish I was an Earl or a Duke or the girl. Yeah. You thought if you're a landed gentry. Yeah. Yeah,
[00:50:45] do you have serfs living on your property? How about pussy the gentry? That's people like the
[00:50:50] British pimp. Hello, Hawes. Yes. Oh, I have a huss. It's wide open for a real one. I own all the all
[00:50:59] the slags in East Pussics. Each and every one or I take I take notice of it and I'll put in my
[00:51:07] pocket. It's it. All right. All right. Let me see that little fat pussy. Cheerio governor.
[00:51:13] There is a money is Britain. No British person says governor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is like
[00:51:18] all of our impressions. Governor. Everyone always does. Chris told us he was moving.
[00:51:23] We're just Oh, yeah, we just roasted his gas. Oh, it lads when I'm off. I'll see you later. Oh,
[00:51:30] yeah, our British friend got kicked out of America. Yeah, shout out to Chris Miller. He got a raw
[00:51:35] deal from the green card service or whatever else. You know, maybe you shouldn't be a criminal, man.
[00:51:41] Yeah, that's what you want to talk about how hard it is to be a minority in comedy. Try being a
[00:51:45] British man. Yep, that's the hardest. That's the hardest. You bomb a couple of mics. So we'll
[00:51:51] kick your ass right out of this. Yep. You know, your podcast doesn't pop off. You get the boot.
[00:51:58] You don't want to know what all the way back to the jolly hole governor. Oh, yeah, John Oliver
[00:52:02] had to suck so much dick to stay in the country. John Oliver is HIV positive now from getting a
[00:52:08] career. Yeah, you know, not not by sin that the traditional way by the by the gay cancer by the
[00:52:18] holy pursuit of monetary gain. Yep, which is smiled upon by the Bible and God. John Oliver just roasted
[00:52:28] Dustin Hoffman in public. Did he? Yeah. He was like his real name is Hoffa.
[00:52:34] They're behind it. Oh, they control the whole media.
[00:52:44] About the sexual allegations. Oh, yeah. And then people are now posting and saying this.
[00:52:49] This is how men have to act in public. Right. Right. Right. They have to call out anyone's
[00:52:54] sexual allegations. Even on well, then we couldn't be friends with you. Adam, if that was the case.
[00:52:58] Yeah. Listen, I'm the only one that doesn't have allegations out of three of us.
[00:53:01] No, no chance. Yes, that's that's true. Who would have minded next allegations?
[00:53:06] Next allegation? I don't even want to get into that because it's an open pending case.
[00:53:13] Your allegations. You you saw a woman walk onto the train and you just started barking at her.
[00:53:21] That's true. I make no bets. You did a woof woof. I was like her.
[00:53:32] And then I started sniffing her pussy. You're like, I mean, actually touch her.
[00:53:37] That's what can't sniff a pussy. That's what courting is.
[00:53:43] I mean, started making that. I court women with a series of air horns.
[00:53:48] The different volumes. That's right. That's the kind of bitch I like as a woman that responds to
[00:53:53] frequencies. You know, she's out on the town. She's looking sexy, you know, all of a sudden,
[00:54:00] but you know, she's like, what's that? Yeah. And then she looks over her pants with shit.
[00:54:06] Yeah. They're completely filled with shit. And so she's vulnerable. You get her vulnerable
[00:54:10] by duking her pants by playing brown sound in her ear. I like that. I was being serious.
[00:54:15] And I turned this into some cruel joke about the mentally.
[00:54:18] It's not about the men. The people in the.
[00:54:20] Oh, yeah, I'm saying that there's a sound that makes people.
[00:54:23] Well, man, come on, dude. Dude, this show, like we have to work so hard
[00:54:27] to fend off this criticism that we're not socialists.
[00:54:30] Uh-huh. You know, the leading voice of the left. Yes.
[00:54:34] And then you go and make some crass joke about retards.
[00:54:38] You don't say retards. You just said it right.
[00:54:40] It's about a sound. You said it right now.
[00:54:42] You make fun of them. Fucking drooling absolute mongoloids.
[00:54:46] Water headed fucking idiots. These are not my words.
[00:54:52] It's fucked up that you say all those things.
[00:54:54] You discredit the hard work we do as activists. I'm wearing an 85 pound vest.
[00:55:00] You know, socialism. Yeah. So I know what it feels like to have a black man's bone density.
[00:55:07] So I'm trying to live the life of a fat colored individual.
[00:55:12] It's like that. He was coursing through his black legs.
[00:55:15] And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to leave here.
[00:55:17] And I'm going to go. I'm going to go do crowd work tonight instead of actual material.
[00:55:22] He's going to be 17 minutes late for his spy.
[00:55:24] I'm going to blow the light completely and pretend like I didn't see it.
[00:55:29] Because I was too busy laughing at my own.
[00:55:34] So I can know that pain. That's suffering.
[00:55:38] And solidify myself as what's it like to sit on release.
[00:55:42] The DSA wants control. Make a lot of logic.
[00:55:46] They're trying to. There's a coup happening in the DSA.
[00:55:49] They're trying to come for you. They're trying to come for me.
[00:55:51] But you're president. See look, dude, I invented socialism.
[00:55:54] Uh huh. So true. You will never come for me.
[00:55:56] I heard Brandon Wardell did. Oh, is Brandon Wardell stealing that bit now?
[00:56:00] I think he did like a couple months ago.
[00:56:03] All invented socialism. That's incredible.
[00:56:06] That's wild. Maybe he will do a pedophile special on his podcast now.
[00:56:10] Hopefully he'll do like a frantic three episodes in a row.
[00:56:17] Oh yeah, you know, we will. We got five minutes.
[00:56:20] Beautiful. I got five inches for you, pal.
[00:56:25] From this weight vest, weighing down on your stomach and
[00:56:28] crushing my body. Yeah, it doesn't look very comfortable.
[00:56:37] So you can get up. I didn't feel the back. It's just the head.
[00:56:41] I got to load something in the back to balance it out.
[00:56:44] Oh, that's why you're always falling forward.
[00:56:47] I think your dick is so heavy and hard.
[00:56:53] The pit helmet doesn't have a helmet, dude.
[00:56:59] Yeah, your dick does look like Sam Hyde.
[00:57:21] Let's just say Hollywood isn't ready for your dick.
[00:57:26] I hate the world where anybody gives a shit with Sam Hyde's
[00:57:30] And they can't just let the guy be funny.
[00:57:40] And I didn't like the comedy, but it was going on backstage.
[00:57:44] I love the chemistry that the adult actors obviously had
[00:57:56] And it was about a man who was inside of a young boy.
[00:57:59] What was it about a rich guy that adopted kids?
[00:58:04] No, Scott Mayo was like, no, it's a guy that has to take care of.
[00:58:06] It's kind of like two and a half man or something.
[00:58:10] Who's the boss might be one of the worst TV shows ever made?
[00:58:19] Tony Donne, who's staffs, who does a works on San
[00:58:25] You go down there, you get a big peek-a-boo right at Tony Dan's
[00:58:30] But the thing about him is he looks like every other day goes.
[00:58:34] Well, I saw Tony Dan's at the pizza shop
[00:58:51] Suck off your penis with meatballs on both of my jeans.
[00:58:59] I feel like we should have a riff or something.
[00:59:02] I want to do a rape joke debate between a woman who
[00:59:07] doesn't like rape jokes and then a guy named Pierre from France.
[00:59:13] Who's trying to rape her the whole time?
[00:59:17] My name is Pierre Pussy Gittin and I left here.
[00:59:22] Actually, I don't think there is anything funny about rape jokes.
[00:59:26] We do not have more of a way of life for me.
[00:59:29] You should not be able to make rap jokes if you do not rape.
[00:59:32] It's not currently Black Men or Alata Saint-Nigé.
[00:59:42] But for me as a rapist, I feel only me should be able to do it.
[00:59:51] I was going to be Lindy and you were going to be rapist.
[00:59:57] Back when I was like, I just drove here very drunk and I have the best idea.
[01:00:04] So I was going to eat a bunch of cheeseburgers.
[01:00:06] Yeah, you're going to get like 40 cheeseburgers.
[01:00:16] Lindy, she's a New York Times op-ed calling this.
[01:00:22] Are you rich if you're an op-ed calling?
[01:00:24] Dude, they make probably somewhere around $40,000 in article.
[01:00:32] How much does that guy that Tom freed me?
[01:00:38] What are some other schemes we can do to get rich?
[01:00:43] Yeah, you don't think we're already doing that?
[01:00:45] I mean, the two biggest scams in the fucking world is
[01:00:48] Patreon podcasts and then voiceover commercial actor.
[01:00:56] They just, fans took that away from me.
[01:01:01] I saw my agent and she would not make eye contact with them.
[01:01:09] I haven't been sent out on anything in a while.
[01:01:11] It could be because the holidays died down, but yeah,
[01:01:14] I'm assuming that that shit fucking that they are mad.
[01:01:21] I didn't do anything fucking wrong, man.
[01:01:24] No, I know, but they're fucking animal.
[01:01:26] I just don't care about what's right or wrong.
[01:01:45] Why don't you come into my trailer, baby?
[01:01:49] I'm trying to work on a Kevin Spacey impression.
[01:01:51] You know you do it all right the other day.
[01:02:07] Yeah, in the context, I would know you're doing Spacey.
[01:02:11] But is he the kind of guy that you could just do so well?
[01:02:16] The thing is, is nobody thinks somebody can do an impression
[01:02:18] of somebody until somebody breaks the impression.
[01:02:21] And then once the impression's broken, then everybody can do it.
[01:02:24] If you're the first guy to do a guy, then that's the sign of a good impression.
[01:02:29] Sort of like that guy did Trump and did the China joke,
[01:02:32] and then everyone else like SNL stole it.
[01:02:34] Yeah, everybody stole that fucking shit.
[01:02:37] People have been doing Donald Trump impressions.
[01:02:39] I thought I almost had Michael Shannon one time.
[01:02:42] He was on a long road trip, and I was doing Michael Shannon,
[01:02:46] But there was no one there to witness it.
[01:02:48] Anytime I try to do it, sense people like that doesn't sound like him.
[01:02:55] Smelling armpits and you break into like a fucking table or something?
[01:03:04] I have a fish face, and people consider me a serious actor.
[01:03:11] He sounds like the man that used to fuck your mom every day.
[01:03:17] You almost were going into a cause to be there for a second.
[01:03:21] Because what you have to understand is there's only two oppressions, you see.
[01:03:30] I do it doing Christopher Lloyd the other day.
[01:03:38] Molly, we're going, we won't need condoms.
[01:03:48] If everyone has it, it's like no one has it.
[01:03:51] We just go and fuck with our condoms and then go back in time.
[01:04:12] The last Funny Moms of the Year is this Monday in New York.
[01:04:15] The last New York Funny Moms of the Year is the 11th this Monday.
[01:04:22] And I just want to say thanks to all the come boys that came out to fucking hilarities.
[01:04:25] She has to have to hilarities by the way, a great fucking club.
[01:04:28] Thank you everyone who came out in Cleveland and yeah, come to the live shows.
[01:04:32] We're going to be doing more touring this upcoming year.
[01:04:35] We are going to tour baby boys and girls.
[01:04:40] Also, I got a little hot animation that I'm never going to finish.
[01:04:44] And the web series thing, it's not our fault, is delayed but coming.
[01:04:50] I think a good job Adam, blaming it on somebody else.
[01:05:01] Alright, we'll probably debut it at the live show actually.
[01:05:04] Damn dude, I really want some clam chow.