[00:00:00] Was that stuff you said game here yeah instead of black mirror.

[00:00:04] It's a show called gang mirror.

[00:00:07] Yeah.

[00:00:08] It's like you this right you have a phone right but it's connected to your fucking brain by wires now.

[00:00:14] Right.

[00:00:14] It's the future and you know you get a text message and all of a sudden you have to suck a man's dick off.

[00:00:20] That's right.

[00:00:21] Crocky.

[00:00:22] What a great show.

[00:00:25] Yeah.

[00:00:26] I watched one episode of it eldest watching it and literally there's not even like a metaphor.

[00:00:32] It's just like the whole episode is a robot.

[00:00:35] Yeah it's a whole episode is a robot.

[00:00:36] It's like a robot dog on hold on hold on.

[00:00:39] This fucking idiot Ian is holding a microphone that's not plugged in.

[00:00:45] Stop give him yours.

[00:00:48] You're stupid.

[00:00:51] There you go.

[00:00:53] All right.

[00:00:54] Ian's talk.

[00:00:55] Yes.

[00:00:56] Okay.

[00:00:57] All right.

[00:00:58] We're cooking with gas here fella.

[00:01:00] Thank God Ian didn't have anything to contribute to that little black mirror riff.

[00:01:05] Yeah.

[00:01:06] That would have been a fucking disaster.

[00:01:07] Can you imagine if Ian would have ruined the riff gay mirror.

[00:01:10] Yeah.

[00:01:11] That would suck.

[00:01:12] Yeah make sure you actually talk into the microphone too.

[00:01:14] Yeah why you only get so low you dumb motherfucker.

[00:01:17] I don't want to hold it in my mouth.

[00:01:19] Pretend it's the gaping asshole of a man woman you purchased outside of the Philadelphia

[00:01:25] airport.

[00:01:26] Yeah if you're stopping in for a trashy quickie of the Reading Terminal on the way to see

[00:01:31] your father's grave.

[00:01:33] You're like that I'm so sorry.

[00:01:38] Just come leaking out of your mouth out of the flowers.

[00:01:41] I'm left by the train company.

[00:01:46] Damn dude that sucks.

[00:01:49] Imagine your dad watching from hell every time you have sex with a man.

[00:01:53] That's what I thought.

[00:01:54] You're just in hell.

[00:01:55] You're just in hell.

[00:01:56] The ghost train in hell that ran him over.

[00:01:59] How's it feel like Winston and Ghostbusters?

[00:02:01] How's it feel that your dad was killed by trains and now you're being bullied by an autistic

[00:02:05] man?

[00:02:06] He's in the train.

[00:02:08] The greatest irony dude.

[00:02:10] That's a good black mirror episode.

[00:02:11] That's a black mirror.

[00:02:12] The trains I cue my father and now I'm being bullied by an autistic man.

[00:02:18] He's into trains.

[00:02:20] And also it's a social commentary on trains.

[00:02:24] And now they're bad.

[00:02:25] They've brought you by the automotive industry.

[00:02:27] Yeah.

[00:02:28] How about that?

[00:02:29] I don't know.

[00:02:30] They seem to be really mad at apps on this show.

[00:02:33] Black mirror?

[00:02:34] Yeah there's other things to be mad at.

[00:02:36] Yeah.

[00:02:37] I don't think apps alone are the only fucking problem.

[00:02:39] There's another problem.

[00:02:40] And get this dude.

[00:02:41] Black mirror.

[00:02:42] It's because your screen is black but it's a mirror.

[00:02:46] That's right.

[00:02:47] Really?

[00:02:48] Yep.

[00:02:49] Wow.

[00:02:50] That's deep.

[00:02:51] It's fucking deep shit dude.

[00:02:52] I thought it was because the show's filled with interracial situations.

[00:02:53] You know?

[00:02:54] Yeah.

[00:02:55] Sexie erotic interracial situations.

[00:02:56] There was that hot ass one where it was like old ladies in the...

[00:02:59] I love it.

[00:03:00] I love it.

[00:03:01] Go fuck each other on a computer.

[00:03:02] In a dystopian future like well obviously racism's not going to be a problem.

[00:03:04] I'll have that for you.

[00:03:05] Yeah yeah yeah.

[00:03:06] But all the solutions that we created for like I don't know getting to the gym on time

[00:03:10] are going to end up killing you.

[00:03:12] Wait was it a one episode called Black Gym or something?

[00:03:17] Like the black...

[00:03:18] Why if you was a gym and only black foxes?

[00:03:20] I'm sorry it's the strongest gym in the world.

[00:03:24] The loudest.

[00:03:25] The loudest gym.

[00:03:26] The loudest gym.

[00:03:27] They let you lift weights with your shirt off at CrossFit.

[00:03:30] Really nice.

[00:03:31] Fucking rules dude.

[00:03:32] I just...

[00:03:33] I want to go to jail.

[00:03:36] I want to be in fucking prison.

[00:03:37] I just want to sit around with my shirt off beanie.

[00:03:40] Yeah you would actually survive in the yard.

[00:03:42] Well yeah because I like lifting weights.

[00:03:45] You like lifting weights?

[00:03:46] You could...

[00:03:47] I like playing cards.

[00:03:48] You like to you know hang out with Nazis.

[00:03:49] Yeah yeah.

[00:03:50] You know?

[00:03:51] You figure it out.

[00:03:52] I'm sure I'd be alright.

[00:03:53] I couldn't.

[00:03:54] I'm soft.

[00:03:55] Ian would obviously thrive.

[00:03:56] Yeah.

[00:03:57] I mean he's basically...

[00:03:58] You dream out of creating my own prison.

[00:03:59] Is that one of your master's?

[00:04:00] He's got a little sugar in his board.

[00:04:05] I volunteered to get sold for cigarettes and that's right.

[00:04:08] Yeah but you don't get to smoke any of the cigarettes you know that I know.

[00:04:11] Oh what a hell.

[00:04:12] Oh yeah dude how would you earn cigarettes?

[00:04:15] Sounds off.

[00:04:16] Well let me tell you.

[00:04:17] How about this right? It's a future world where you have to get fucked in your ass for

[00:04:21] cigarettes.

[00:04:22] And it's because of the half-own.

[00:04:27] Oh shit.

[00:04:28] It's real.

[00:04:29] Because everybody's downloading Candy Crush and then you got to get fucked in your ass

[00:04:33] for fags.

[00:04:35] Ooh.

[00:04:37] That's true they do call cigarettes that.

[00:04:40] Thanks.

[00:04:41] Yeah.

[00:04:42] So Ian it's been a while since we've had you on come town.

[00:04:45] You just watched half an episode of the fourth season in Black Mirror.

[00:04:48] I didn't know there was a third season.

[00:04:50] Did you see the first season?

[00:04:51] I did.

[00:04:52] That first episode was wild.

[00:04:53] It's great.

[00:04:54] Yeah.

[00:04:55] The first episode was...

[00:04:56] That's what happened.

[00:04:57] It's almost a trick.

[00:04:58] The first episode of the show was great.

[00:05:00] And then everything else is shit.

[00:05:02] Yeah and then everything after that was just you know just nonsense.

[00:05:06] It's like if your Wii was bad.

[00:05:08] Whoa.

[00:05:09] That was episode two.

[00:05:10] It's like don't...

[00:05:12] Wii is bad for you.

[00:05:13] Does Mario come out of the...

[00:05:15] Nothing en-rape you?

[00:05:16] No I don't know.

[00:05:17] It's the kid from Get Out and he's trapped in some world where you know he's like I

[00:05:22] don't know.

[00:05:23] There's an economy based on fucking like points in a video game system.

[00:05:26] Like World of Warcraft or some shit?

[00:05:28] Yeah but it's like a whole underground prison.

[00:05:31] You know it's the same shit every fucking episode.

[00:05:33] And then there was that one standalone episode with the lesbians.

[00:05:36] Yes that's what I was talking about.

[00:05:37] The old ladies fuck on the internet.

[00:05:39] Yeah yeah.

[00:05:40] And they're hot too.

[00:05:42] Those two old ladies that fuck when they're young they're good to go.

[00:05:45] They're hot to trot.

[00:05:46] No no no.

[00:05:47] They're gonna die and you put your fucking brain in a computer.

[00:05:52] And they're hot.

[00:05:53] And then you fuck.

[00:05:54] It's like the 50s or something.

[00:05:56] Or the 80s I guess.

[00:05:57] Then you fuck.

[00:05:58] Yeah the 50s are the 80s.

[00:05:59] It's one of the two.

[00:06:01] Very hard to discern which decade that was.

[00:06:04] It's the 80s it's the 80s.

[00:06:06] But the reason I thought the 50s is because when I was...

[00:06:10] This is such a retarded reason but because I just assume things about fuck fuck.

[00:06:19] I got it.

[00:06:20] Hold on.

[00:06:21] If you're going in the past if something was in...

[00:06:25] If the characters went to the past it was the 50s.

[00:06:29] But because it said in the future they have to go back to the 80s.

[00:06:33] We go to the 80s.

[00:06:34] Now watch as we blow Stav's mind by letting him know that the 80s is also the past.

[00:06:40] But we are currently not living in the 1980s.

[00:06:43] It's a more recent past though.

[00:06:45] You know what I'm saying?

[00:06:47] Stavros who was born in 1989.

[00:06:49] And who's alive for all 10 months.

[00:06:52] It's a more recent past.

[00:06:54] 1980s.

[00:06:55] That's what I mean.

[00:06:57] You guys know what the fuck I'm talking about.

[00:06:59] You boys get it.

[00:07:00] I don't got to explain to you.

[00:07:01] I mean you do.

[00:07:02] Yeah.

[00:07:03] You get excited.

[00:07:04] You know it.

[00:07:05] Anyway you get it.

[00:07:07] It's fine.

[00:07:08] It's all there.

[00:07:09] Are you vaping in?

[00:07:10] Mmhmm.

[00:07:11] When would you go back to, if you could go back in time, what time period?

[00:07:14] At what age would you be in that time period?

[00:07:17] You'd be the same age.

[00:07:19] Yeah.

[00:07:20] You get in a fucking time machine and you'd go back.

[00:07:21] Right.

[00:07:22] And you'd be like 30 and...

[00:07:23] Yes.

[00:07:24] Well I would be 25.

[00:07:25] You'd have to explain to your dad that you're older.

[00:07:27] Yeah.

[00:07:28] That's the end.

[00:07:29] Yeah.

[00:07:30] When you go back.

[00:07:31] Could we play catch?

[00:07:32] I don't know.

[00:07:33] Man.

[00:07:34] When a rude-ass thing to do to Ian to be like Ian, we're going to send you back in

[00:07:38] time right before your dad died.

[00:07:40] But actually we send him the second his dad gets him by the train.

[00:07:43] That'd be hilarious.

[00:07:44] That'd be real funny.

[00:07:45] How about we doing Episides where he's a guy whose dad was smashed to death by a fucking

[00:07:51] train.

[00:07:52] That'd be great.

[00:07:53] And he's got to go back in time to fucking meet the train or whatever.

[00:07:57] Try and stop the train before...

[00:07:58] It's the talking train.

[00:07:59] Like Tom has done with the tank engine.

[00:08:01] But he's too busy looking at his fucking cell phone.

[00:08:03] Oh.

[00:08:04] And his dad dies still.

[00:08:06] That's right.

[00:08:07] That's hilarious.

[00:08:08] That would be pretty cool.

[00:08:09] Doesn't want to make that.

[00:08:10] Yeah, yeah.

[00:08:11] That actually would be funny.

[00:08:12] Anytime, I guess...

[00:08:13] I don't know.

[00:08:14] I guess I'd do the 50s so I could be a professional athlete.

[00:08:18] Yeah.

[00:08:19] Because if you're just a fat guy, you could just be like a big strong...

[00:08:21] Everyone thought fat was strong back then.

[00:08:23] Yeah.

[00:08:24] If you lost a little weight, you could be like a...

[00:08:25] And grow a couple inches.

[00:08:26] You could be like a relief pitcher in the 80s.

[00:08:29] Not the 80s.

[00:08:30] I don't have the arm...

[00:08:31] I have a weak arm.

[00:08:32] But I could be a football player in the 60s.

[00:08:34] Yeah.

[00:08:35] I could be that.

[00:08:36] Football players are like 230 pounds.

[00:08:38] You know what's funny is you could have been a football player now if you had made better

[00:08:41] life choices.

[00:08:42] No, no.

[00:08:43] You can't go back in time to do things that you could do now.

[00:08:47] Yes, because it's easier to do them back then.

[00:08:49] Yeah, because things weren't as advanced.

[00:08:51] Not everyone would be like...

[00:08:52] Yeah.

[00:08:53] It'd be like if I'm going to go back to the 30s and fuck way more.

[00:08:56] No.

[00:08:57] The 20s just went into fuck.

[00:09:00] You fuck flat person shit.

[00:09:01] I don't know the difference between the 50s and the 80s, but you have an opinion on

[00:09:05] what I'm talking about.

[00:09:06] You know the differences between fucking and...

[00:09:08] Yeah, the roaring 20s.

[00:09:09] Everyone's fucking and sucking and speakeasies and shit.

[00:09:12] The 30s, the depression hits.

[00:09:14] Everyone's sad.

[00:09:15] No one's fucking.

[00:09:16] No, everyone's sad so there's more fucking to be done.

[00:09:18] Yeah, to make themselves happen here.

[00:09:19] Because you can't afford to go to the Nickelodeon.

[00:09:21] That's what you're going to do.

[00:09:22] That's how they made so many people to go to war in the 40s and 50s because everybody

[00:09:27] was fucking in the late 20s and 30s.

[00:09:29] Yeah.

[00:09:30] Okay.

[00:09:31] Yup.

[00:09:32] Chex out.

[00:09:33] I would be the guy on the train on the way to the camp.

[00:09:34] Just like, you know, while we in here, it's like we're to pussy it.

[00:09:38] As long as we all in here together, we're like, we're to pussy here.

[00:09:45] We're to pussy here.

[00:09:47] We're to pussy here.

[00:09:50] We're to pussy here.

[00:09:52] Yeah, I don't know.

[00:09:53] The 20s would be the choice.

[00:09:54] They'd be talking like that because they're from the ghetto, you know.

[00:09:57] The ghetto dude.

[00:09:58] It's chocolate.

[00:09:59] Yeah.

[00:10:00] Yeah.

[00:10:01] No, we from the hood.

[00:10:04] Of course.

[00:10:05] The worse.

[00:10:06] Yeah.

[00:10:07] The worse.

[00:10:08] Where did the train go down?

[00:10:09] All right.

[00:10:10] Okay.

[00:10:11] All right.

[00:10:12] I'll see you where to pussy.

[00:10:13] I'll see you.

[00:10:14] Okay.

[00:10:15] Big home.

[00:10:16] Yeah.

[00:10:17] You look good.

[00:10:18] That way.

[00:10:19] Yeah.

[00:10:20] Go back to the 70s.

[00:10:21] Of course.

[00:10:22] Yeah.

[00:10:23] Because this you're you almost it makes it feels like you were transported here from the

[00:10:27] 70s.

[00:10:28] I was.

[00:10:29] Because free love people, they go crazy for trans.

[00:10:32] Because everyone was doing crazy shit, but the technology wasn't there in the 70s.

[00:10:36] Right.

[00:10:37] But they were like they weren't as hard as they are today.

[00:10:39] It was basically it was dudes in the 50s.

[00:10:41] Yeah, they were like computers in the 50s like big clunky.

[00:10:44] Right.

[00:10:45] That's right.

[00:10:46] Now they're like cell phone.

[00:10:47] Now they're sexy computers.

[00:10:48] Yeah.

[00:10:49] You want to fuck league with tight little computers.

[00:10:51] How about this?

[00:10:52] Well, if we do one where it's like the trans people have become too good.

[00:10:56] Oh.

[00:10:57] And now we can resist them and it destroys society.

[00:11:00] Wow.

[00:11:01] Because something.

[00:11:02] You can't imagine.

[00:11:03] Pussies.

[00:11:04] Oh, yes.

[00:11:05] They have robot because you got a robot.

[00:11:07] Because you got to pay to fuck them.

[00:11:09] That's why which is so you it's life.

[00:11:11] Your pussy's your Wi-Fi.

[00:11:12] Oh, they're pussy's are Wi-Fi.

[00:11:14] Turn the **** trans women.

[00:11:16] Turn south by Southwest.

[00:11:17] They turn **** homeless people into Wi-Fi hotspots.

[00:11:20] What?

[00:11:21] They were rounding up bombs and putting routers on them and then put them in shirts.

[00:11:26] It's like, hi, my name's Clarence and I'm a Wi-Fi.

[00:11:28] No.

[00:11:29] No.

[00:11:30] Were they paying them?

[00:11:31] That's more horrifying than Black Mirror.

[00:11:33] That's the funniest thing text ever done.

[00:11:36] Oh my God.

[00:11:38] Yeah.

[00:11:39] Just like you know what's also a problem in South by Southwest?

[00:11:43] A lack of bathrooms.

[00:11:45] If maybe we could get some of those guys.

[00:11:46] Just turn the homeless people into bathrooms.

[00:11:47] Right.

[00:11:48] Yeah.

[00:11:49] Just make them eat **** and drink ****.

[00:11:52] And look, they have nothing to do all day.

[00:11:54] They want they want that four dollars a day.

[00:11:58] That's true.

[00:11:59] Well, four dollars worth of Doritos credits.

[00:12:01] Yeah, yeah.

[00:12:02] You go to Doritos tent, get a couple of those tickets.

[00:12:05] Yeah.

[00:12:06] Four dollars credit for an app called Whisper.

[00:12:10] It does nothing.

[00:12:11] But it's, you know, it's pink.

[00:12:14] It's got a cool font.

[00:12:15] There's a little like.

[00:12:16] There's no R.

[00:12:17] There's no E.

[00:12:18] There's a little blue penguin, you know.

[00:12:20] Hell yeah.

[00:12:21] Actually, I think that is an app that sponsored South by.

[00:12:23] Oh, really?

[00:12:24] Yeah.

[00:12:25] It was like an anonymous confession app now that I think about it.

[00:12:27] Oh, that makes sense.

[00:12:28] Yeah.

[00:12:29] Where you could type in any confession and then it would just broadcast.

[00:12:31] Everybody says like an anonymous to it.

[00:12:33] That post secret.

[00:12:34] That's basically post secret.

[00:12:35] Remember that shit?

[00:12:36] Yeah.

[00:12:37] It's basically like an n word typing system.

[00:12:40] Yeah, good job.

[00:12:41] We just it's like an n word typing system.

[00:12:43] That's true.

[00:12:44] Like, like nobody thought for a second that like who has any interest in that?

[00:12:49] No, it's fucking bathroom.

[00:12:51] Sad people.

[00:12:52] Yeah.

[00:12:53] Yeah.

[00:12:54] It's like, what are you getting accomplished?

[00:12:56] They're there.

[00:12:57] Well, how about this?

[00:12:58] We reply on it and it's like give me your opinion of my.

[00:13:01] The constitution with bathroom graffiti.

[00:13:04] Yes.

[00:13:05] Yes.

[00:13:06] What about Sahara?

[00:13:08] Ian, you had a good ass point to make a move.

[00:13:11] There was a new anonymous thing called Sahara that people were posting.

[00:13:14] It was like, say whatever you've ever wanted to say about me on my Sahara.

[00:13:17] It was so fucking lame.

[00:13:20] So how was yours?

[00:13:21] I didn't do it.

[00:13:22] You didn't?

[00:13:23] No.

[00:13:24] Fuck that.

[00:13:25] You're on social media all the time.

[00:13:27] Not all the time.

[00:13:28] You're constantly listening.

[00:13:29] Be careful editing a photo of yourself before posting it on Instagram the other night.

[00:13:35] Make sure you look good for all the people that can't wait to see what Ian's next post

[00:13:38] is.

[00:13:39] They're all in a cated breath.

[00:13:41] I'm dying to find out what's going on in the life of a 35 year old open mic comedian.

[00:13:47] I'm 33.

[00:13:48] What's this guy?

[00:13:50] I feel like he's about to blow up.

[00:13:53] Yeah.

[00:13:54] He's the next shot comic in New York.

[00:13:57] Oh, the photo editor.

[00:13:58] I think I'm going to I think at the end of January, I'm going to get rid of it.

[00:14:02] You are absolutely not.

[00:14:03] No, no, no, I can't.

[00:14:04] Why?

[00:14:05] Then why not right now?

[00:14:06] Get rid of what?

[00:14:08] It's the Facebook and everything.

[00:14:10] Oh, no, you're not.

[00:14:11] I don't want to.

[00:14:12] I think yeah, I have to.

[00:14:15] It's too much, man.

[00:14:16] It fucking infuriates me.

[00:14:17] I get so angry looking at it.

[00:14:19] It's so stupid.

[00:14:20] But you post literally.

[00:14:22] I know.

[00:14:23] And then I get mad about it.

[00:14:25] Okay.

[00:14:26] It's not good for my mental health.

[00:14:27] But then how are people going to see shitty pictures of you doing a podcast?

[00:14:30] I'll figure it out.

[00:14:32] By the way, you haven't taken a single picture of this.

[00:14:33] I'm kind of a five note.

[00:14:34] You're going to ask us for a picture of you.

[00:14:35] When I was younger, I used to take I used to carry a Kodak in some out of camera room

[00:14:39] with me everywhere.

[00:14:40] My bedroom wall had hundreds of pictures of me.

[00:14:44] I was just like that little cake kid for moonrise kingdom.

[00:14:46] Yes, it was you taking pictures.

[00:14:48] My dad's dead.

[00:14:51] My dad got smashed by a train.

[00:14:52] No, you faggot.

[00:14:53] I never fucking told anyone about that.

[00:14:55] I fucking it's dead at a row.

[00:14:57] I was talking to your chaos camera on your neck.

[00:15:00] You didn't have anyone to tell.

[00:15:02] You fucking loser.

[00:15:03] I wasn't a Japanese tourist.

[00:15:05] You're laying here in the instagram.

[00:15:10] Everybody pose.

[00:15:11] I always took pictures and I just do it on Instagram.

[00:15:15] Wow.

[00:15:16] I like 19,000 pictures of my dad.

[00:15:17] Thanks for explaining to us how Instagram works.

[00:15:19] You fucking brought it up.

[00:15:20] You can't even share.

[00:15:21] No, I didn't.

[00:15:22] I didn't bring these points up.

[00:15:23] I didn't bring anything out of the black mirror.

[00:15:25] You brought it up.

[00:15:26] I brought it up.

[00:15:28] But that's hilarious.

[00:15:29] I used to take pictures before phones.

[00:15:32] My bedroom wall is covered in pictures.

[00:15:36] The original Facebook wall.

[00:15:37] Why?

[00:15:38] Because I just liked it.

[00:15:40] I had pictures of all my friends and stuff I liked.

[00:15:42] I cut them out and put them on my wall, paste them up.

[00:15:44] That's cute.

[00:15:45] Yeah, people come over and look and be like, did I make it on the wall?

[00:15:48] No, it's actually just a bunch of clippings from newspapers

[00:15:52] that are like another trans prostitute found dead.

[00:15:55] You know what I mean?

[00:15:57] It's a train yard.

[00:15:58] You smashed a dead.

[00:16:01] I got my work.

[00:16:03] The trans train smasher strikes again.

[00:16:10] Train yard terries.

[00:16:11] Well Ian Fuh, fill us in with your dating life buddy.

[00:16:14] How's it going since the last time you've been here?

[00:16:16] Oh man, when we're still here.

[00:16:17] Are you sucking and fucking left and right?

[00:16:19] Oh man, that's right.

[00:16:20] Someone told us a story about you shining a flashlight

[00:16:22] into a train or maybe just a regular hooker's asshole

[00:16:26] to make sure it was clean.

[00:16:28] That's wildly inaccurate.

[00:16:30] It was wild.

[00:16:31] Hold on.

[00:16:32] It was not a hooker.

[00:16:33] It was a gentleman I met off Tinder named Timothy.

[00:16:42] It was a one hour rental motel room.

[00:16:48] It was.

[00:16:49] And I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

[00:16:52] You know, I like to play save.

[00:16:54] But yeah, don't be in.

[00:16:56] I wanted to make sure he didn't have any markings.

[00:16:59] You know, any markings of the beast.

[00:17:02] Oh wow.

[00:17:03] It was very awkward having a man on all fours.

[00:17:05] I was expecting him like a gay gynecologist.

[00:17:08] You literally just looked into his asshole for cleanliness.

[00:17:12] Uh huh.

[00:17:13] It wasn't.

[00:17:14] Okay.

[00:17:15] I would love that if that's what they call proctologists is gay gynecologist.

[00:17:18] And that was the name of that medical profession.

[00:17:27] I'm a I'm an H.O.M.O.B.G.Y.

[00:17:30] Oh shit.

[00:17:33] Yeah.

[00:17:34] Who told you that Evan?

[00:17:37] I don't remember.

[00:17:38] I think it was me because you told me that.

[00:17:41] The flashlight thing.

[00:17:42] I think I probably conflated that in the story about the hooker in the like whatever that

[00:17:47] the hotel was near in Inglewood near LAX.

[00:17:50] Oh yeah.

[00:17:51] That was bad.

[00:17:52] That was bad.

[00:17:53] Who's that?

[00:17:54] Nicano Lodge.

[00:17:55] Yeah, it was next to some abandoned like laundromat that I thought she was in and I'm like knocking

[00:18:00] in the door.

[00:18:01] It was a rug what you were just going to fucking abandon laundromat.

[00:18:04] I mean I was a bit plays.

[00:18:07] But today I'm not living that life.

[00:18:13] What I want to act out.

[00:18:14] This was like four weeks ago.

[00:18:16] This was a couple days ago.

[00:18:18] Before I got here.

[00:18:20] Literally how long ago was it?

[00:18:21] A couple months ago.

[00:18:23] We're all works in progress.

[00:18:28] Whatever.

[00:18:29] We're all working on.

[00:18:30] You know.

[00:18:31] You know.

[00:18:32] If it ain't booze and drugs it's fucking you know motel hookers and I'm not doing it.

[00:18:36] So you're clean on everything?

[00:18:38] Yeah.

[00:18:39] Wow.

[00:18:40] Yeah man.

[00:18:41] Is it a real struggle?

[00:18:42] Wait, why are you quitting trans people though?

[00:18:43] I'm not quitting trans people.

[00:18:44] I'm quitting trans people.

[00:18:45] It's kind of transphobic to equate trans people with your horrific alcoholism and cocaine.

[00:18:51] Mm hmm.

[00:18:52] Abuse.

[00:18:53] No it's not.

[00:18:54] Yeah it is.

[00:18:55] No you're wrong.

[00:18:56] They're human beings.

[00:18:57] Not a problem.

[00:18:58] Not to eat in their fuck toys.

[00:18:59] Yeah they're little fuck toys.

[00:19:00] I wind them up and fuck them.

[00:19:01] No because it's an act of acting out.

[00:19:05] Like when something goes bad or I feel certain when I start like going on the fucking internet

[00:19:09] or whatever and I'm quitting cutting that out because that's like some form of escapism.

[00:19:15] If it wasn't that it was I fucking go and use.

[00:19:18] I'm not doing it.

[00:19:19] Have you ever heard of play station?

[00:19:22] Maybe yeah watching a movie.

[00:19:25] Yeah I was going to play station but I was like no I'm just going to read a book and

[00:19:28] say you know what I do sometimes I play settlers of cotan with my friends.

[00:19:33] You all know bitch man.

[00:19:36] Yeah.

[00:19:37] So what's the closest thing you have to a vice now?

[00:19:40] Coffee and cigarettes?

[00:19:41] You still smoke cigarettes?

[00:19:42] Yeah.

[00:19:43] Yeah okay.

[00:19:44] And I'm planning on going to quit that but it's fucking hard.

[00:19:48] Yeah.

[00:19:49] Yeah you can't quit everything at once.

[00:19:51] I know.

[00:19:52] You're going to have a blow out.

[00:19:53] Oh yeah.

[00:19:54] I tried to do that years ago when I got out of rehab I was fucking working all the time.

[00:19:59] I was working for a company and then I was doing side jobs on the weekend and I quit

[00:20:04] smoking.

[00:20:05] I quit coffee.

[00:20:06] I quit drinking.

[00:20:07] I quit drugs and I fucking passed out at work and had to go to the hospital.

[00:20:10] I just was like run up too much.

[00:20:13] I'd pass out from exhaustion.

[00:20:15] Wait wait wait you quit everything and you were just over at soft.

[00:20:19] Yeah so instead of just like being normal I threw myself into work.

[00:20:22] So I was working construction for a company and then after work I was doing side jobs

[00:20:26] and on the weekend I was on tiling houses and shit.

[00:20:28] Because you didn't want to be alone.

[00:20:29] Yeah.

[00:20:30] For even a second with your thoughts.

[00:20:32] Before you start dreaming of beautiful cold and shit and neighborhood up here and everyone's

[00:20:36] an asshole.

[00:20:37] Know what I mean?

[00:20:39] Please don't.

[00:20:40] Don't.

[00:20:41] Yeah.

[00:20:42] Also nobody knows what you mean.

[00:20:44] No one knows what you mean.

[00:20:45] And stop using your stand up crutches on the podcast.

[00:20:48] Yeah.

[00:20:49] Excuse you.

[00:20:50] Stop making me pull out this mustache comb.

[00:20:53] Yeah.

[00:20:54] Do you do that on stage?

[00:20:56] You pull out the mustache comb and search for a brush.

[00:20:59] No.

[00:21:00] No a couple times.

[00:21:01] No.

[00:21:02] No man.

[00:21:03] Dude that fucking thing in LA freaked me out man.

[00:21:09] Is that the last time you've been with a sex worker?

[00:21:13] No.

[00:21:14] That was the last time some chicks living room and fucking her sister's living room in

[00:21:18] bedside.

[00:21:19] How recently?

[00:21:20] Uh, a couple months ago.

[00:21:22] Okay.

[00:21:23] Wait some chicks sister's living room?

[00:21:25] Dude I got this.

[00:21:26] I fucking.

[00:21:27] Yeah.

[00:21:28] Yeah.

[00:21:29] Yeah.

[00:21:30] She, her sister was asleep in a room and we're just like in her living room and fucking

[00:21:33] I found her on the internet.

[00:21:36] Backage.

[00:21:37] Yeah, I called her up, got a price, hung up and then I was like, no, no, don't do this.

[00:21:43] Don't do this.

[00:21:44] So I text her, I was like, Hey, look, I'm sorry.

[00:21:45] I have to cancel it.

[00:21:46] And she called and yelled at me and after like talking to her for like 20 minutes, I was

[00:21:51] like, Okay, fine.

[00:21:52] She's like, bully me.

[00:21:53] She's like, I'm going over.

[00:21:54] She's like, I'm going over.

[00:21:55] She's like, you're in the hoofies.

[00:21:56] That coffee down.

[00:21:57] You're a piece of shit.

[00:21:59] Coffee's for closes.

[00:22:00] You're a piece of shit.

[00:22:01] I was like, I'm trying to work on myself.

[00:22:02] He was like, no, no, that's not how you treat people.

[00:22:09] I'm going to put your number on and people are people going to know you a scumbag.

[00:22:12] I was loving it.

[00:22:13] It was just some Jack Lemons sleazy pussy salesman that was fucking like, please, I

[00:22:18] need this.

[00:22:19] You don't know how bad I need to get right now.

[00:22:23] I need the $20.

[00:22:24] You need the pussy.

[00:22:25] Let's do it.

[00:22:26] Make the deal.

[00:22:27] Let's make this work.

[00:22:28] Let's make some kind of deal happen here today.

[00:22:30] So how did that a sexual encounter go then if you were going into it reluctantly?

[00:22:35] Or did you work yourself up into it?

[00:22:37] No, I totally like mentally bullied myself into doing it.

[00:22:41] It truly showed just how addictive it is and not even like...

[00:22:45] You got to hold the mic close to your fucking face.

[00:22:48] Not even like a fun thing.

[00:22:51] It wasn't fun.

[00:22:52] It was like I was doing a job.

[00:22:53] You know what I mean?

[00:22:55] It sucked.

[00:22:56] How much that set you back?

[00:22:57] I fucking talked her down to a cool hundo.

[00:23:02] Talked her down to a hundred.

[00:23:03] Hundo.

[00:23:04] What was it initially?

[00:23:05] It was like 150.

[00:23:06] Is she real hot?

[00:23:08] Yeah, no.

[00:23:09] No, God no.

[00:23:11] Why don't you let me or tell us about Monio?

[00:23:14] Oh really?

[00:23:15] That's rough.

[00:23:16] Not that Vlad's an unattractive man.

[00:23:19] But as a woman, yeah.

[00:23:21] Like Vlad with the pussies where we're talking.

[00:23:23] Oh, she ain't.

[00:23:24] It would be great if she calls her as a pussy.

[00:23:27] Oh, I see.

[00:23:28] I see what we're doing right here.

[00:23:29] She's so prideful about how clean her ass.

[00:23:31] Flads mannerisms.

[00:23:32] Yeah.

[00:23:33] Like what's that?

[00:23:34] How you doing Poppy?

[00:23:35] You having a real good time?

[00:23:36] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:23:37] Okay.

[00:23:38] All right.

[00:23:39] Yeah, if you want to fuck my ass, go ahead.

[00:23:40] I'm fucking here.

[00:23:41] She's just going to act out to better parents.

[00:23:42] Growing up in the Bronx.

[00:23:43] I'm from the Bronx.

[00:23:44] It's very good to see you Ian.

[00:23:46] Hey brother, how you doing?

[00:23:48] She kept calling me brother.

[00:23:50] Yeah, he's got like a pastor quality too.

[00:23:54] He really does.

[00:23:55] Politician even.

[00:23:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:23:57] That kind of is funny dude.

[00:23:59] Yep.

[00:24:00] That's probably why Ian bought that woman that looked like him.

[00:24:03] Yeah, it's weird that you want to fuck women that look like Vlad, dude.

[00:24:06] Does he know that about you?

[00:24:07] I didn't want to do it.

[00:24:08] It wasn't a selling out there.

[00:24:09] It's just Ian.

[00:24:10] Ian fucking like the trans version of Derek Gaines.

[00:24:14] Whoa, you ain't never seen the trans woman before.

[00:24:19] Whoo.

[00:24:20] Whoo.

[00:24:21] Everybody's fucking my ass for $30.

[00:24:27] I has for $100.

[00:24:29] He juice me down to $50.

[00:24:31] And gold is my big fat wang.

[00:24:33] Come on man, don't make fun of his bitch.

[00:24:35] That's fucked up.

[00:24:36] That's fucked up dude.

[00:24:37] Fuck off.

[00:24:38] Dude, what do you do?

[00:24:39] I'm out of here.

[00:24:40] Don't you have respect for the craft?

[00:24:41] Yeah.

[00:24:42] I mean, it's not making fun.

[00:24:44] It's an homage.

[00:24:45] An homage.

[00:24:46] An homage.

[00:24:47] Oh my gosh.

[00:24:48] Oh my gosh.

[00:24:50] Whatever you make when it's a homo-wash.

[00:24:52] Oh my wash.

[00:24:53] You see that movie?

[00:24:54] The craft.

[00:24:55] Yeah, but I'm off man.

[00:24:56] No more.

[00:24:57] Uh-oh.

[00:24:58] Stop doing that.

[00:24:59] There's horse calling noises.

[00:25:02] That's Kramer.

[00:25:03] You're just doing Kramer by the way.

[00:25:06] Stop it.

[00:25:07] Ian just did an act out everyone.

[00:25:10] Yeah.

[00:25:11] You guys don't do a live feed?

[00:25:13] Yeah, we do.

[00:25:14] A live feed?

[00:25:15] Yeah, I like to know.

[00:25:16] I'll probably even forget to upload this tonight.

[00:25:17] Yeah, probably.

[00:25:18] We don't even do a regular feed.

[00:25:19] Good.

[00:25:20] Ah, fuck dude.

[00:25:21] What movie did you just see Nick?

[00:25:22] He said something.

[00:25:23] I didn't see Jesse something.

[00:25:24] You said the craft and then I was trying to figure out which direction this conversation

[00:25:32] is going to go for the next five minutes before we take a break.

[00:25:35] Okay.

[00:25:36] Uh, and I said, have you seen the craft?

[00:25:38] Yes.

[00:25:39] No.

[00:25:40] Let's not.

[00:25:41] Let's not.

[00:25:42] Let's just stick as a board.

[00:25:43] Yes.

[00:25:44] Yeah.

[00:25:45] What do you think was the hottest in the craft?

[00:25:46] For is a bulk.

[00:25:47] Yeah.

[00:25:48] I like to read everything in like 10 years, 15 years ago.

[00:25:51] For a reasonable 20 years ago.

[00:25:53] Holy fuck.

[00:25:54] Yeah.

[00:25:55] Yeah.

[00:25:56] Now who the fuck doesn't know what time is and what decades are which?

[00:25:58] Huh?

[00:25:59] You mother fucker.

[00:26:00] That's literally not what happened.

[00:26:02] I'm watching the craft.

[00:26:05] Now who doesn't know the 80s from the 50s?

[00:26:08] You.

[00:26:09] Just you.

[00:26:10] And only you.

[00:26:11] Yeah.

[00:26:12] Yeah.

[00:26:13] She was so hot.

[00:26:14] I rewatched Lost Soul, the documentary about that Richard Stanley, Ilanded Doctor.

[00:26:18] Oh, yeah.

[00:26:19] Yeah.

[00:26:20] It's a great documentary.

[00:26:21] Yeah, with Brando.

[00:26:22] It's a funny ass movie to watch too.

[00:26:24] Well, the actual Iland Doctor.

[00:26:26] Oh, yeah.

[00:26:27] Yeah.

[00:26:28] But the documentary is great, but for Rosa Balc's in it and she just looks like shit now.

[00:26:33] It's a shame she had the age.

[00:26:35] I don't know why women do that shit.

[00:26:37] Yes.

[00:26:38] Well, I know.

[00:26:39] They should do like.

[00:26:40] You just got to stay 23.

[00:26:41] I don't know.

[00:26:42] Like what you got in your head that you need to be fucking 42 all the sudden.

[00:26:45] It's weird.

[00:26:46] I was in her in her in the water.

[00:26:51] Why?

[00:26:52] Because she didn't have a penis.

[00:26:53] Oh, she had a fat hog.

[00:26:54] The girl from the water boy?

[00:26:55] Yeah.

[00:26:56] Yeah.

[00:26:57] Oh, she was hot as shit.

[00:26:58] Yeah.

[00:26:59] She looks bad now.

[00:27:00] I mean, I was joking around.

[00:27:02] She's messed up, man.

[00:27:03] I mean, she looks like an older version of herself.

[00:27:05] I would smash.

[00:27:06] Yeah.

[00:27:07] I think I did beat off to her in the water boy.

[00:27:09] There's a thing that I think there's a you could see her nipples and.

[00:27:12] You can in American history acts as the first scene in the movie.

[00:27:15] She's like riding them.

[00:27:16] No, he's fucking.

[00:27:17] They're fucking on the side.

[00:27:19] Nice.

[00:27:20] And it's yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:27:21] And it's in black and white because it's a memory.

[00:27:24] You can't get this dude.

[00:27:26] Just like real life.

[00:27:28] Oh, fuck.

[00:27:30] Everything's race.

[00:27:31] So black and white.

[00:27:32] Yeah.

[00:27:33] Mm hmm.

[00:27:34] Who is is that Singleton?

[00:27:35] John Singleton.

[00:27:36] American's facts.

[00:27:37] Is it?

[00:27:38] I think so.

[00:27:39] Yeah.

[00:27:40] I beat.

[00:27:41] Yeah.

[00:27:42] You're beating off to black and white shit makes you smart, dude.

[00:27:44] You're beating too artsy.

[00:27:45] Yeah.

[00:27:46] He beat off to Chaplin.

[00:27:47] Yeah.

[00:27:48] That was me.

[00:27:49] I beat off to Charlie Chaplin all of the time.

[00:27:51] Beat off to man-raise entire portfolio.

[00:27:53] I go to the art museum and I jack off.

[00:27:55] They're like, what are you doing?

[00:27:57] I'm like, I'm a donor.

[00:27:58] Yeah.

[00:27:59] I'm in a golden circle.

[00:28:01] Mm hmm.

[00:28:02] I'm sorry that you can't appreciate art on my level.

[00:28:04] Yeah.

[00:28:05] You fucking charlotte.

[00:28:08] Oh, you turned on that.

[00:28:09] You love beating off to Ed Sullivan.

[00:28:11] Yeah.

[00:28:12] Oh, look, fucking posers go to the art museum, turtleneck fucking boat shoes.

[00:28:17] Real men go to the museum completely nude.

[00:28:20] Yeah.

[00:28:21] I want to be as vulnerable as the artist himself.

[00:28:24] So true, man.

[00:28:26] Fully hard.

[00:28:27] So fucking true.

[00:28:28] Shitting.

[00:28:29] Shitting.

[00:28:30] Shitting while coming.

[00:28:31] That's right.

[00:28:32] This is beautiful.

[00:28:34] Now I'm an artist also.

[00:28:37] That you literally could get into a museum doing shit like that.

[00:28:40] Oh, if you beat off while shitting, what a commentary.

[00:28:44] That could be what a commentary.

[00:28:46] Of course.

[00:28:47] I'm going to...

[00:28:48] You guys know what you could probably get away with?

[00:28:52] And this is going to get a lot of people mad at me.

[00:28:55] But you could probably violently rape Marina Abramovich at gunpoint in public.

[00:29:04] And then people would be like, this is the thing she's doing.

[00:29:07] She's like, stop, somebody help me.

[00:29:09] And then you could probably do that with almost anybody.

[00:29:14] Didn't Shiloboth have a thing where he's like, come in this room.

[00:29:19] In this country.

[00:29:20] And touch me wherever you want.

[00:29:21] Oh, yeah.

[00:29:22] Someone like this world.

[00:29:23] Yeah.

[00:29:24] Huh?

[00:29:25] Didn't happen with Shiloboth.

[00:29:26] Somebody says he got raped.

[00:29:27] Somebody says he got raped.

[00:29:28] He said he got raped.

[00:29:29] Yeah.

[00:29:30] But that's the fucking dream.

[00:29:32] You know, you just put a bag on your head and somebody sucks your dick.

[00:29:35] And then you don't even know you're gay.

[00:29:37] Yeah.

[00:29:38] Are you harder than usual?

[00:29:39] Yes.

[00:29:40] You have no actual pairs of you.

[00:29:41] I'm just coming.

[00:29:42] I'm enjoying the inside of this bag.

[00:29:43] It smells like lunchables.

[00:29:45] I had a couple of snacks in here earlier.

[00:29:48] Yeah.

[00:29:49] You're thinking about that good lunch you had?

[00:29:51] Call you.

[00:29:52] You're getting fucking not sucked.

[00:29:55] Ian, do you suck trans balls?

[00:29:58] Well, I'm a fucking gentleman.

[00:30:00] So yeah, I'm not a fucking asshole.

[00:30:02] That's what gentleman means.

[00:30:04] That's what I think of a guy in a top.

[00:30:07] Would you like a ball suck?

[00:30:09] Yeah, with his monocle stuck to somebody's asshole.

[00:30:12] Because his guy's mouth completely wrapped around a spruen of...

[00:30:15] Yeah, ain't a rude motherfucker.

[00:30:17] What do you think?

[00:30:18] Sometimes they don't have balls.

[00:30:19] They get the surgery.

[00:30:20] Really?

[00:30:21] Yeah.

[00:30:22] What's your percentage of...

[00:30:23] Now, what's the surgery for that?

[00:30:25] You just put like a heavy rubber band around there until they fall off.

[00:30:28] That would probably happen.

[00:30:30] No, that would work.

[00:30:31] People have.

[00:30:32] If you get a...

[00:30:33] If you get like, you know the little rubber band's there for braces?

[00:30:35] Mm-hmm.

[00:30:36] And you stretch it out and put it around your nutsack and then let it close on your nutsack?

[00:30:40] They fall off.

[00:30:41] Eventually, yeah.

[00:30:42] It'll just...

[00:30:43] Whoa.

[00:30:44] It'll cut off the circulation that died and then your balls will be reabsorbed back and forth.

[00:30:47] Being trans is so cool because you get to level up like in a video game.

[00:30:50] Yeah.

[00:30:51] It sounds like a great bit.

[00:30:52] Let's hear it.

[00:30:53] Let's hear it.

[00:30:54] Give us the...

[00:30:55] Definitely not a bit.

[00:30:56] You've run it open mics.

[00:30:57] I never said that before you piece of shit.

[00:30:59] Did you hear that little guys rewind that and listen to the little laughie and give some

[00:31:02] himself right after he says the premise?

[00:31:05] That's good.

[00:31:06] Go ahead, finish.

[00:31:07] No, it's just you get different surgeries and you got things to look forward to.

[00:31:12] All right, well we're going to take a break and we'll be back in a minute.

[00:31:15] This is my take.

[00:31:16] Okay, everybody, it's break time.

[00:31:19] You know what that means?

[00:31:20] It means it's time for me to tell you about a brand new underwear company that believe

[00:31:24] in smart design, premium fabrics, and simple shopping.

[00:31:27] I'm talking about MacWeldon.com.

[00:31:29] The simplest online underwear shopping experience you could ever have.

[00:31:34] I went on their website.

[00:31:35] It was easier than Amazon, who I'm currently in a feud with as well as the Post Office.

[00:31:39] I'm sure you guys know that story already.

[00:31:41] MacWeldon will be the most comfortable underwear sock shirts and undershirts, hoodies and sweat

[00:31:45] pants and more that you'll ever wear.

[00:31:48] They have a line of silver underwear and shirts.

[00:31:50] What's that?

[00:31:51] Yeah, well, it means that they're naturally antimicrobial, so they'll suck the odor out

[00:31:55] of your awful body.

[00:31:58] But MacWeldon, they want you to be comfortable.

[00:32:00] So if you don't like your first pair of underwear, guess what?

[00:32:02] You can keep it and they'll refund your money.

[00:32:04] No questions asked.

[00:32:06] Not only they have underwear, socks and shirts that look good, they perform well also.

[00:32:11] So you can wear them to the gym.

[00:32:14] I mean, I go nude to the gym because I'm an athlete.

[00:32:19] But if you're a more casual guy, you like to take your time at the gym, put on a pair

[00:32:24] of MacWeldon underwear, sweat it in a little bit.

[00:32:27] It'll suck the odor out.

[00:32:28] Then you can take it out on a date later with some woman from the internet or whatever.

[00:32:33] So go to MacWeldon.com and get 20% off using promo code COMTOWN.

[00:32:37] That's C-U-M-T-O-W-N.

[00:32:40] MacWeldon.com, thanks.

[00:32:43] Well during the break, we listened to Ian's joke that he wanted to run by us and it's terrible.

[00:32:49] The whole part been exploded and laughed at.

[00:32:51] Yeah.

[00:32:52] What were you saying?

[00:32:54] It's like trans people get to level up.

[00:32:57] Making trans is like a video game because-

[00:33:00] Shut up.

[00:33:01] That's pretty fucked up to minimize their existence like that, man.

[00:33:07] Yeah.

[00:33:08] Yeah, I don't care.

[00:33:10] Fuck you.

[00:33:11] What?

[00:33:12] No, it's not- Yeah, there's tons of surgeries that they-

[00:33:18] We're just busting your balls.

[00:33:19] I know, I know.

[00:33:20] If you give me-

[00:33:21] Come on, shut off!

[00:33:22] Seven seconds of silence, you'll just nervously start to fill it.

[00:33:27] Don't fucking move one of my bibs!

[00:33:30] No!

[00:33:31] It worked the other day at Pinebox.

[00:33:33] Hey, what were you saying?

[00:33:36] It's like a video game.

[00:33:39] You choose your character.

[00:33:44] I love having nuts personally.

[00:33:46] I think it's fun.

[00:33:48] You know they're out there-

[00:33:49] If you were born with three, would you get the extra one removed?

[00:33:52] Fuck no.

[00:33:53] Yeah, fuck no.

[00:33:54] First of all, you'd have probably more powerful loads.

[00:33:57] Actually, you wouldn't.

[00:33:58] Really?

[00:33:59] You'd have three lazy balls.

[00:34:01] Oh, really?

[00:34:02] Yeah.

[00:34:03] So are you saying if you have one nut you have a more powerful load?

[00:34:05] Yep.

[00:34:06] Wow, maybe I use it.

[00:34:07] Also, the power of the load is determined by how much cum the prostate makes.

[00:34:11] Interesting.

[00:34:12] The balls only make the sperm.

[00:34:13] The prostate's where it's at.

[00:34:15] Really?

[00:34:16] Mm-hmm.

[00:34:17] So they come up, so the sperm comes out of the nuts and-

[00:34:21] Because into your ass.

[00:34:22] Comes out of the prostate.

[00:34:25] Comes out of the prostate.

[00:34:27] Yeah.

[00:34:28] That's why there's so much cum in my ass.

[00:34:29] Yeah.

[00:34:30] Checcy.

[00:34:31] Yeah.

[00:34:32] I go to sleep and I wake up every morning and there's a nice fresh load of sperm.

[00:34:36] Yeah, you got a drain in them.

[00:34:37] Yeah.

[00:34:38] And I guess that's my own cum.

[00:34:41] What about the vast difference?

[00:34:42] What's that?

[00:34:43] Those are the tubes that carry the sperm from your testicles into your prostate.

[00:34:48] Nice.

[00:34:50] So how do I get a nice fat load?

[00:34:52] How do I shoot powerful loads?

[00:34:55] Can you do probably jack-off less?

[00:34:57] Okay.

[00:34:58] Jack-off less and then there's some things you can do with your diet.

[00:35:02] Like what?

[00:35:03] I think it was- I mean I know pineapple makes your cum taste so weird.

[00:35:06] I'm going to talk about taste.

[00:35:07] It was like olives.

[00:35:08] I think olives make a-

[00:35:11] Make your cum shoot out of your buster.

[00:35:13] Yes.

[00:35:14] You ever swallow a load so big while somebody's fucking your mouth per se.

[00:35:20] And they come so much that you vomit because it's too much cum and you become disgusted

[00:35:26] and it's no longer sexy.

[00:35:27] No.

[00:35:28] No.

[00:35:29] When I was younger.

[00:35:30] I've grown up a bit.

[00:35:32] It's not really for me anymore.

[00:35:34] Oh, you don't swallow anymore?

[00:35:36] No, my younger years.

[00:35:38] But that's not good.

[00:35:39] You don't swallow anymore?

[00:35:40] That's not what a gentleman does.

[00:35:43] A gentleman swallows a load.

[00:35:44] You know what's funny?

[00:35:45] If I'm with a trans chick, I will.

[00:35:46] But if I'm with a dude, no.

[00:35:48] Interesting.

[00:35:49] Interesting.

[00:35:50] Yeah.

[00:35:51] It's all out the window when you're having heterosexual LOL sex.

[00:35:55] Yeah.

[00:35:56] Yeah, I'm all about it.

[00:35:57] But when it's with a guy, I'm not dirty fag.

[00:35:59] You're going to wait for me.

[00:36:02] Being straight.

[00:36:03] Yeah.

[00:36:04] Yeah.

[00:36:05] Yeah.

[00:36:06] Big ass straight.

[00:36:07] Big addendos.

[00:36:08] He's just like, oh, I'm so glad I'm not gay.

[00:36:17] We're going to go watch the game with the fellas.

[00:36:26] Oh, fuck.

[00:36:28] That's so gross.

[00:36:31] I know, I've got to say, I've mentioned wanting to dab, you know.

[00:36:38] Dab it in the pool.

[00:36:40] No.

[00:36:41] No, but that sounds pretty gross.

[00:36:42] It's because it's the whole package.

[00:36:44] It's not just like hooking up with trans prostitutes.

[00:36:47] It's like, the dad being smashed by a train.

[00:36:50] What is that?

[00:36:51] I'm just doing anything.

[00:36:53] And like the impact that had on you to.

[00:36:55] Sure.

[00:36:55] Because I feel like if you had,

[00:36:57] if you had had a normal life,

[00:36:59] you would just be a gay man.

[00:37:01] Yeah, probably, yeah.

[00:37:02] That's probably true.

[00:37:03] Yeah, but there was so much shame

[00:37:04] and like fucking guilt and everything associated with it.

[00:37:07] No, it's not, there was.

[00:37:08] There's still is.

[00:37:09] There's currently all of those.

[00:37:10] There's currently all of those.

[00:37:11] So you die.

[00:37:11] Like if you went into a therapist's office,

[00:37:13] you would be like, look, I don't have time for this shit.

[00:37:15] I want somebody with a normal problem.

[00:37:19] You have like a Maltese that died.

[00:37:21] I can handle that.

[00:37:23] You know, maybe you didn't get a fucking raise at your job.

[00:37:26] I can't handle dad smashed by train

[00:37:28] and I get raped by half women

[00:37:30] in the fucking O'Connell Lodge outside LAX.

[00:37:34] So I'm only one man.

[00:37:36] I'm only one man.

[00:37:38] You need an army.

[00:37:39] Yeah, a team of therapists.

[00:37:41] Yeah.

[00:37:42] I got a man, I got a whole handroom.

[00:37:44] Do you fuck your therapist?

[00:37:46] No.

[00:37:47] Do you want to?

[00:37:48] No.

[00:37:48] Have you ever had a therapist you wanted to fuck?

[00:37:51] Yeah, this guy named Charles.

[00:37:52] Really?

[00:37:53] No.

[00:37:54] I wanted to fuck my therapist in Baltimore.

[00:37:56] The chick therapist?

[00:37:57] She was a chick.

[00:37:58] How old was she?

[00:37:59] She was maybe in her mid 30s.

[00:38:01] She had some TIG goals.

[00:38:03] She was very cute.

[00:38:04] She was very nice to me.

[00:38:07] Yeah.

[00:38:08] What were you talking about with her?

[00:38:10] Mostly shit with about women.

[00:38:11] Like I was trying to get over all my hang ups.

[00:38:13] Was it like mother stuff too?

[00:38:15] Ever seen the movie The Prince of Tides?

[00:38:17] No.

[00:38:18] It's a movie about a man that fucks a therapist.

[00:38:20] Barbus strides in and Nick Nolte.

[00:38:22] Nick Nolte's sister kills herself.

[00:38:24] So Nick Nolte goes up to get her shit

[00:38:26] and he meets Streisand who is her therapist.

[00:38:28] And then she starts counseling him sort of

[00:38:30] and then he admits to her that he was raped by prisoners

[00:38:33] when he was 10.

[00:38:34] These prisoners that came into their house.

[00:38:36] Damn.

[00:38:37] That's the only part of the movie I remember.

[00:38:38] I remember watching it with my mom.

[00:38:39] There's a scene where a boy gets raped.

[00:38:42] And I was like eight or something.

[00:38:43] And I'm like, what?

[00:38:44] And I'm excited you.

[00:38:45] I was like, why are we watching this?

[00:38:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:38:48] She's like, I don't know.

[00:38:49] I'm interesting that sort of stuck with you, honey.

[00:38:54] Yeah, it was like, it was horrific to why.

[00:38:56] I didn't know, because I didn't know a man can be raped

[00:38:59] until I saw that movie.

[00:39:01] That was, I remember that was like the first time.

[00:39:02] Why?

[00:39:03] Because you blocked out memories.

[00:39:05] What do you mean?

[00:39:05] You were raped.

[00:39:07] Oh, that's hilarious, dude.

[00:39:10] Ian, that's kind of what I was doing, too.

[00:39:11] But I was being a little more subtle about it.

[00:39:13] You know what I mean?

[00:39:14] Yeah.

[00:39:14] Well, you have such a fucking understanding

[00:39:16] of like a nuance.

[00:39:19] You have such great, like community time.

[00:39:20] Why did they stop?

[00:39:21] Got what it deserves.

[00:39:22] So I just thought I beat it over the head.

[00:39:24] You know, this is now, Ian, I've used this phrase before.

[00:39:27] It's theater of the mind.

[00:39:29] OK, so this is for the listener.

[00:39:32] You know, I, something elite, let them do the math.

[00:39:37] Or whatever.

[00:39:38] I'm fucking hungry, shit, dude.

[00:39:39] I haven't eaten shit all day.

[00:39:40] I had food poisoning bad for this.

[00:39:42] Yeah, all I've had today is somewhere.

[00:39:44] I haven't eaten either.

[00:39:45] I had like a bunch of blueberries and a pulled pork sandwich

[00:39:49] and some brisket and a protein shake, but I haven't eaten.

[00:39:54] Where'd you get that barbecue from?

[00:39:56] This place called the smoke joint that delivers here.

[00:39:59] That's like the only.

[00:40:00] Is it Bushwick?

[00:40:00] I don't know where it is, but it's great,

[00:40:03] because it's like the only reasonably priced barbecue

[00:40:05] in New York.

[00:40:06] Yeah, all the barbecue here is like $40.

[00:40:10] Yeah, you pay so goddamn much for barbecue here.

[00:40:14] Damn, I could I would tear the fuck up.

[00:40:16] I would treat barbecue like trans prostitute treats

[00:40:20] Ian's asshole right now.

[00:40:22] Try it.

[00:40:22] I would eat it and then fuck it with mild disgust.

[00:40:29] With mild disgust constantly reminding myself,

[00:40:31] I need to do this to get bigger tits.

[00:40:34] We got to do we got to work the road.

[00:40:35] I guess I'm doing a I'm doing that.

[00:40:37] We got to bro.

[00:40:38] When Adam goes back, we have to plan the tour.

[00:40:40] I'm doing that house of blue shit.

[00:40:41] It was fun.

[00:40:42] Shouts out to the South Shore boys.

[00:40:43] That was a great thing.

[00:40:44] I'm doing it.

[00:40:45] I know I'm saying it was a great show.

[00:40:46] Yeah, but I'm saying I'm doing it.

[00:40:49] Bitch, February 23rd.

[00:40:52] Nice.

[00:40:53] At the house of blues where I will be doing this show.

[00:40:58] Everyone go see Nick, my good friend.

[00:41:00] No, everyone go see me.

[00:41:02] I don't care about stops friend.

[00:41:06] Let's make this about me again.

[00:41:10] Yep.

[00:41:11] We've all played that place and I think it's very fun.

[00:41:14] Mm hmm.

[00:41:15] Yeah, we got 32 dollars.

[00:41:17] I'm saying we got to get in Austin.

[00:41:19] You only made 32 dollars?

[00:41:20] Ian did.

[00:41:21] I made a nice amount of money.

[00:41:22] Oh, OK.

[00:41:23] Ian did a free.

[00:41:24] I didn't do a door deal.

[00:41:25] Well, but you're you're you're subtracting the price of the women that.

[00:41:29] I had a girl.

[00:41:30] I had a girl get a hotel room that night stop doing that sound.

[00:41:35] I know I ever since you don't mean to stop.

[00:41:37] I mean, he's making a dumb face.

[00:41:38] By the way, that's how much he and hates bombing.

[00:41:40] Yeah, he's got so many even in conversation.

[00:41:42] You got so many tricks.

[00:41:44] I got so many tricks.

[00:41:46] I got to understand.

[00:41:47] Were we supposed to be impressed by that?

[00:41:49] Right.

[00:41:50] You know, 33 year old man had normal sex.

[00:41:56] Oh, girl.

[00:41:57] Whoa.

[00:41:58] Check this out.

[00:41:59] Boobs felt like saying.

[00:42:03] How was it?

[00:42:04] Were you disgusted feeling a pussy or?

[00:42:06] Yeah, I power through.

[00:42:08] Is it too loose for you?

[00:42:10] Because you fuck ass all the time.

[00:42:14] I mean, I just like it all, dude.

[00:42:15] I don't know.

[00:42:16] What's wrong?

[00:42:17] He's like, I don't know.

[00:42:18] It's just not the same.

[00:42:19] Could you put some shit in there, maybe?

[00:42:26] Can I shit in your pussy?

[00:42:28] I know, but I love you.

[00:42:33] As he runs out.

[00:42:35] Not again.

[00:42:36] Dude, I went skydiving.

[00:42:39] And before we jumped out, the guy was like, we like to tell jokes to kind of make everyone

[00:42:42] loosen up before you jump out of the plane.

[00:42:44] This guy goes, how do you get a gay dude to fuck a chick?

[00:42:47] No.

[00:42:48] Shuff shit in her pussy.

[00:42:49] I were like, that's the last joke we hear before we die.

[00:42:53] That was the joke?

[00:42:54] That was the joke.

[00:42:55] The instructor.

[00:42:56] He goes, how many gay guys fitted a bar for on each stool?

[00:43:01] We're like, oh.

[00:43:02] I've heard that one.

[00:43:03] What is a mess?

[00:43:04] I'm going to be on a tandem skydive with this guy.

[00:43:08] You mean you have to be.

[00:43:10] You signed up for it knowing you'd be strapped to another man.

[00:43:12] Yeah, I didn't always going to be telling all this.

[00:43:14] That is wild.

[00:43:15] The instructor said that.

[00:43:16] Oh, yeah.

[00:43:17] It was an Allentown, Pennsylvania.

[00:43:19] Hell yeah.

[00:43:20] Which makes sense.

[00:43:21] We're living here in Allentown.

[00:43:27] How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman?

[00:43:29] Will you take a shit in her pussy?

[00:43:33] Four gay guys.

[00:43:35] One bar stool.

[00:43:38] Now we're going skydiving with Ian.

[00:43:43] And he's hoping the guy fucks his ass.

[00:43:46] And then the parachute doesn't open.

[00:43:50] And he gets to die with a dick in his ass.

[00:43:54] Well, we're living here in Allentown.

[00:43:58] That was beautiful.

[00:44:01] Thanks, man.

[00:44:02] Shout out to BJ, the fucking king.

[00:44:04] The Joel.

[00:44:05] Yeah.

[00:44:06] Yeah, I've taken a hard 180 on Sweet Beautiful Alexa Rager.

[00:44:10] Oh, yeah?

[00:44:11] Is she a girl now?

[00:44:12] Yeah, follow her on Instagram.

[00:44:13] She's cute as hell, dude.

[00:44:14] Wow.

[00:44:15] I was absolutely wrong.

[00:44:16] Wow.

[00:44:17] You didn't think she was hot?

[00:44:18] I remember seeing her like 15 years or 10 years ago or whatever.

[00:44:23] It was a girl, Billie Joel.

[00:44:26] Right, right.

[00:44:27] And she does still look like him.

[00:44:28] But she's figured it out, you know?

[00:44:30] And she seems well adjusted too for being Billie Joel's daughter.

[00:44:34] Sal, Eminem's daughter is.

[00:44:36] She's well adjusted.

[00:44:37] She seems hot too.

[00:44:38] What do you mean she seems it?

[00:44:40] She's from our talks.

[00:44:42] What information are you basing that off?

[00:44:47] I read some fucking off.

[00:44:48] Eminem is, Ian's favorite rapper because his name describes Ian's favorite sexual orientation

[00:44:55] on Craigslist.

[00:44:56] Hell yeah, dude.

[00:44:57] Yeah.

[00:44:58] I was a mouthful, but you got it out just the right time.

[00:45:03] Yeah.

[00:45:04] You ever look up Craigslist in like different towns?

[00:45:06] Dude, it's spooky.

[00:45:08] No.

[00:45:09] No, I don't even look up Craigslist in the town I live in.

[00:45:11] Yeah.

[00:45:12] No.

[00:45:13] I was doing for shits and giggles.

[00:45:14] Right, shits and giggles.

[00:45:15] You've never.

[00:45:16] Some research.

[00:45:17] No, I never have.

[00:45:19] It's scary, man.

[00:45:20] It's a gay clown that Ian pays for.

[00:45:23] It's a great one, but hold on.

[00:45:28] Craigslist scares you.

[00:45:30] Yeah.

[00:45:31] But regular sex with prostitutes off of back page.

[00:45:34] Well, that scares me too, but Craigslist is like a different tier of fucking.

[00:45:38] It's a different world we live in.

[00:45:41] And where you come from.

[00:45:44] Shits and giggles.

[00:45:46] Hey, and it's me.

[00:45:48] Oh, build up for your fucking fucking...

[00:45:50] Shits and giggles.

[00:45:51] I've got a magic trick.

[00:45:52] I've got the Seltzer bottle filled with gum.

[00:45:55] He just keeps pulling scarves out of me in his ass.

[00:45:59] Tied together multi-colored condoms and he says abracadabra.

[00:46:04] Yep.

[00:46:05] That's the clown.

[00:46:06] That's just the clown does.

[00:46:08] That's right, a clown.

[00:46:10] Abracadabra.

[00:46:11] Fucking hell.

[00:46:12] I'm disgusting.

[00:46:17] No, dude, you're not.

[00:46:19] I mean, you are, but yeah, not for that.

[00:46:21] Yeah.

[00:46:22] For other things of your life.

[00:46:23] Man, coffee doesn't work on me anymore, man.

[00:46:25] How many cups you up to a day?

[00:46:26] I've actually cut it way back down.

[00:46:28] I didn't have coffee for...

[00:46:30] Well, that's not true.

[00:46:31] You know what it is?

[00:46:32] I went fucking nuts yesterday.

[00:46:33] I went to Dunkin' Done.

[00:46:34] That's like four times.

[00:46:35] You love going to Dunkin'.

[00:46:37] Dunkin' is great.

[00:46:38] You're getting that almond, that toasted almond.

[00:46:40] Yeah, and I love seeing those Indian guys.

[00:46:42] They always have such a great attitude.

[00:46:44] Mm-hmm.

[00:46:45] I placed my order yesterday and I was like, let me get a toasted almond.

[00:46:49] I was like, you know what, never mind.

[00:46:50] Let me get a regular medium hot coffee.

[00:46:53] Just cream the sugar.

[00:46:54] And he goes, oh, do you want toasted almond?

[00:46:57] It's like, um, Abracadabra.

[00:46:59] He's like, come on.

[00:47:00] It is my favorite one.

[00:47:02] I know it's good.

[00:47:04] He's like, you aren't afraid.

[00:47:06] He's like, you cannot handle the toasted almond.

[00:47:09] I'm like, I like your style.

[00:47:12] Thank you.

[00:47:13] You fucking Muslim piece of shit.

[00:47:15] That's right.

[00:47:16] You fucking, you did 9-11 and you have the audacity to tell me I got the wrong fucking cup of coffee.

[00:47:23] In my mind, I died in those towers.

[00:47:28] A hero.

[00:47:29] And not a guy that fucking works for stamps.com.

[00:47:34] It's running a phone with stamps.com.

[00:47:39] I'm a first responder in my mind.

[00:47:44] I don't live this bullshit existence living with my mom in Regal Park.

[00:47:49] Hey, man, don't shit on Regal Park.

[00:47:51] You know, they got good stuff out there.

[00:47:53] Apologies to Regal Park.

[00:47:54] Come on, man.

[00:47:55] Don't take down Regal Park.

[00:48:00] Beautiful Regal.

[00:48:01] I love those places where they were like, they're like, well, this place is going to be a shithole.

[00:48:06] So let's not put any thought into the name.

[00:48:09] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:48:10] The fucking, you know, Placeville.

[00:48:12] I love Placeville.

[00:48:13] Middletown.

[00:48:14] Yeah.

[00:48:15] Middleton is a weird one.

[00:48:16] Middletown, yeah.

[00:48:17] That one's a bullshit.

[00:48:19] Yep.

[00:48:20] What's another game named street town?

[00:48:22] I like Main Street.

[00:48:23] It's the Main Street.

[00:48:24] State Road.

[00:48:25] That's good.

[00:48:26] I like those little towns with the little like village main streets.

[00:48:30] Relavix.

[00:48:31] No, I'm having your immediate 180 on the, on little towns.

[00:48:37] No, I like them.

[00:48:38] I do like a nice Main Street though, you know.

[00:48:40] There's only eight stores in the whole town, but they're all there within a couple of miles.

[00:48:43] Yeah, it's all antique shops.

[00:48:44] So somehow like they get all the necessities and then on an antique shop.

[00:48:48] Yep.

[00:48:49] And all this, all this places, all this like small towns.

[00:48:51] There's always one microbrewery.

[00:48:53] Yeah.

[00:48:54] There's one bar where all the people with tattoos go to hang out in that town.

[00:48:57] Yeah.

[00:48:58] And then you probably get sucked off of that bar, man.

[00:49:02] You know?

[00:49:03] No, not my type.

[00:49:04] An American Legion.

[00:49:05] Mm hmm.

[00:49:06] Oh yeah.

[00:49:07] Yeah.

[00:49:08] VFW.

[00:49:09] What's the, there's been that in the VFW?

[00:49:10] Well, once for veterans and the American Legion's for like, I guess people that were friends of

[00:49:14] friends of veterans.

[00:49:17] I've been to an American Legion hall.

[00:49:19] You like your loud in?

[00:49:20] My Scotland.

[00:49:21] You just play it in the regionals.

[00:49:22] Nah, somebody had to bring me, but yeah, it's fucking, it's stupid.

[00:49:25] Your scob band, what was it called?

[00:49:26] Sock full of pennies?

[00:49:27] Yeah, man.

[00:49:28] P-E-N-N-Y-Z.

[00:49:29] Oh shit.

[00:49:30] Sock full of penis?

[00:49:31] Yeah, that's right.

[00:49:32] You know that spells penis, right?

[00:49:33] Yeah, dude.

[00:49:34] That's why we spelled it, but the Y-Z.

[00:49:35] No, it is not.

[00:49:36] It's not.

[00:49:37] Don't pretend that's the reason why.

[00:49:38] I joined the band after they named it.

[00:49:40] I'm like, I'm like, I'm full of penis.

[00:49:42] Not my problem.

[00:49:43] This is named after the socks you beat off into.

[00:49:50] Hey, man.

[00:49:51] We ruled the band.

[00:49:52] No, Ian used to, that was his nickname because...

[00:49:57] Sock full penis?

[00:49:58] Just suck off guys through a tube sock.

[00:50:00] You have to work even harder to suck to come through the neck.

[00:50:05] Through the fabric.

[00:50:06] Well, it's not gay, it's through a sock.

[00:50:07] Yeah, it's like fucking, it's like when you're on deck and you warm up, you put the weight

[00:50:12] on the bat.

[00:50:13] Yes, yes, yes, absolutely.

[00:50:14] You put the sock on the deck so you have to get the fuck off.

[00:50:17] You have to really work hard to get that sweet load from a woman's penis.

[00:50:24] Now, you will edit this out if you're not comfortable, but then you tell me you fuck like the mascot

[00:50:29] in high school or something like that.

[00:50:31] No, you fucking retard.

[00:50:32] No, it was the school dog.

[00:50:34] Yeah.

[00:50:35] No, seriously, didn't you?

[00:50:37] No, I didn't fuck the mascot.

[00:50:39] Yeah.

[00:50:40] No, he said what he said.

[00:50:41] No, he said what he said.

[00:50:42] No, he said what he said.

[00:50:43] He beat off to the Philly fanatic.

[00:50:48] Yeah, he's the Philly fanatic who raped you, raped your ass in this locker room in summer camp.

[00:50:55] Yeah.

[00:50:56] You put his fucking nose in your ass.

[00:51:01] He shot a shot of hot dog cannon in my ass.

[00:51:07] Ah, fuck.

[00:51:10] You think you take a whole T-shirt cannon in your ass?

[00:51:13] Ah, one day.

[00:51:14] It's enough practice.

[00:51:16] So, are you thinking about settling down in?

[00:51:19] You know, what do you think, man?

[00:51:20] You can't live this year.

[00:51:22] 40 years old.

[00:51:23] You can't be living this life forever, man.

[00:51:25] Ain't gonna have this hairline forever, man.

[00:51:27] You know, that beautiful hair.

[00:51:30] That beautiful, that hair.

[00:51:32] Ain't gonna have it.

[00:51:33] You look like Crusty the Clown.

[00:51:35] Yeah, no, I need an haircut.

[00:51:36] Yeah, that's the problem.

[00:51:38] Is it you have too much hair?

[00:51:41] Yeah, it's just the wrong haircut.

[00:51:43] That's the problem.

[00:51:44] Yeah, me eventually one day, but I don't want to right now.

[00:51:48] What, settle down?

[00:51:49] Yeah.

[00:51:50] The nice, you know, Jewish trans girl.

[00:51:54] Yeah, like a computer programmer type of trans.

[00:51:56] Yeah.

[00:51:57] One of them is...

[00:51:58] This is the right time, man.

[00:51:59] I mean, it's...

[00:52:00] I feel like it's being accepted more.

[00:52:02] You're exactly, you know, you're a model husband for trans women.

[00:52:06] Yes.

[00:52:07] You probably will marry a trans woman.

[00:52:09] Mm.

[00:52:10] I don't think I want to get married.

[00:52:12] Okay.

[00:52:13] Oh, no, no, no.

[00:52:14] I'd want to settle down, but not...

[00:52:16] I don't know.

[00:52:17] It's not what I'm thinking about right now.

[00:52:19] I got you, man.

[00:52:20] I'm having fun doing what I want.

[00:52:21] I like singing about doing mics, you know, like...

[00:52:23] You fucking fag.

[00:52:24] Just getting on bar shows.

[00:52:26] I just hope to fill my schedule.

[00:52:28] It's moved to New York in 1999.

[00:52:30] Yeah.

[00:52:31] I'm doing refikis next week.

[00:52:33] Yeah.

[00:52:34] Were you here during 9-11?

[00:52:35] No, I came two years after.

[00:52:37] Oh.

[00:52:38] Yes.

[00:52:39] Were you?

[00:52:40] No.

[00:52:41] No.

[00:52:42] No.

[00:52:43] Me and Stop both moved here like four feet away.

[00:52:44] No, no.

[00:52:45] I thought you lived in New York at some point.

[00:52:46] No, no, no.

[00:52:47] You got family in New York.

[00:52:48] Yeah, yeah.

[00:52:49] Yeah.

[00:52:50] Yeah.

[00:52:51] Yeah.

[00:52:52] Yeah.

[00:52:53] Yeah.

[00:52:54] Yeah.

[00:52:55] I came in like, yeah, I didn't even make...

[00:52:57] Yeah, I've been here three years.

[00:52:58] Almost three years.

[00:52:59] Mm.

[00:53:00] Two and a half three.

[00:53:01] Yeah.

[00:53:02] I guess it's been...

[00:53:03] I don't know what I'm thinking about.

[00:53:04] I'm flies.

[00:53:05] I know, it is fucking fun.

[00:53:06] I've lived in New York longer than...

[00:53:07] Like, I think of myself as like an Austin guy.

[00:53:10] You know, because that's where like my career started happening.

[00:53:13] But I was only in Austin like...

[00:53:15] You know, not long.

[00:53:17] Totally.

[00:53:18] Yeah.

[00:53:19] Yeah.

[00:53:20] Because it was when you were like young as shit to...

[00:53:21] I mean, when we met you, what, 23...

[00:53:23] How old were we?

[00:53:24] I was 23, 24.

[00:53:25] Yeah.

[00:53:26] Yeah.

[00:53:27] So yeah, it couldn't have been that long.

[00:53:28] Yeah.

[00:53:29] Damn, dude.

[00:53:30] That's wild.

[00:53:31] Yeah.

[00:53:32] Fuck.

[00:53:33] I'm also a famous man.

[00:53:36] No.

[00:53:37] That helps.

[00:53:38] But Ian, you're becoming famous by being part of the come town family.

[00:53:42] Yeah, that's right.

[00:53:43] I always wanted a real family.

[00:53:44] That's right.

[00:53:45] Don't you go dying on me?

[00:53:47] No promises.

[00:53:48] Yeah.

[00:53:49] I'm gonna keep living a beautiful life.

[00:53:51] The main stop just as a joke go get smashed by trains.

[00:53:54] It would be a funny bit.

[00:53:56] Yeah.

[00:53:57] We live much out of it all over again.

[00:53:58] We'd have to get much closer.

[00:53:59] Yeah.

[00:54:00] Yeah.

[00:54:01] And then I would consider it.

[00:54:02] Yeah.

[00:54:03] Why don't you get really close to Adam actually?

[00:54:05] Yeah.

[00:54:06] That's Adam.

[00:54:07] Two birds, one.

[00:54:08] Two birds, one stone.

[00:54:10] Yeah, it would be funny if Adam got smashed by a train.

[00:54:14] We're about like a Hot Wheels car.

[00:54:16] I feel like that could also happen.

[00:54:18] He's got the proportions to get smashed by a micro machine.

[00:54:24] He gets trapped in a...

[00:54:26] What are those things called?

[00:54:28] Connects?

[00:54:29] They're like the fancy...

[00:54:30] Yeah.

[00:54:31] What the fuck were those things?

[00:54:32] They were similar to Legos.

[00:54:33] It was like a building.

[00:54:34] Oh, with the track?

[00:54:35] What was the thing that you built like a fucking...

[00:54:37] Oh, with the surf?

[00:54:39] Ferris wheel or whatever.

[00:54:40] Those were connects.

[00:54:41] Oh, Legos.

[00:54:42] Oh, connect.

[00:54:43] Yeah.

[00:54:44] They were better than Legos.

[00:54:45] Because they were easier.

[00:54:46] Were they?

[00:54:47] Yeah, sort of.

[00:54:48] I mean, there was less ways they could fit together.

[00:54:49] It was mostly like...

[00:54:50] It was too fucking stupid to get Legos and connects.

[00:54:52] I remember I couldn't figure out Legos, but connects, I didn't have any problem.

[00:54:55] Yeah.

[00:54:56] People were building like Death Stars and shit and like big, like crazy shit with Legos.

[00:54:59] Yeah.

[00:55:00] I have no idea.

[00:55:01] No, you make the gun and you point it.

[00:55:03] Exactly.

[00:55:04] You point it to other kids until they take...

[00:55:05] You make the gun!

[00:55:06] And then they take the Legos.

[00:55:08] Or you make a dick.

[00:55:09] You make a crude ass blocky ass dick.

[00:55:12] And that's it.

[00:55:13] You find peach colored Legos.

[00:55:15] Yeah.

[00:55:16] Yeah.

[00:55:17] She ruled.

[00:55:18] Damn.

[00:55:19] I'll show you do it.

[00:55:20] You make the penis.

[00:55:21] Oh, yeah.

[00:55:22] All right.

[00:55:23] We got eight minutes left, fellas.

[00:55:24] What are we gonna talk about?

[00:55:25] He and your gay.

[00:55:26] Yeah.

[00:55:27] You're like, we've honestly...

[00:55:28] We've done a pretty good job calling Ian Gay for 50 minutes straight.

[00:55:31] Yeah.

[00:55:32] We could go eight more, I believe in you.

[00:55:34] Nah.

[00:55:35] Nah.

[00:55:36] We're gonna talk about politics.

[00:55:37] Oh, how about this shit?

[00:55:38] Do you see that fucking...

[00:55:39] They're making a Zack Braff?

[00:55:41] He's making a podcasting TV show.

[00:55:43] What?

[00:55:44] It's about...

[00:55:45] He's just...

[00:55:46] I saw the trailer.

[00:55:47] It's so fucking funny.

[00:55:48] I hope Zack Braff makes a noose and puts it around his neck.

[00:55:51] Dude, it's so fucking little dick-ed looking.

[00:55:54] Yeah.

[00:55:55] He's like, he's a guy who's got a good career.

[00:55:57] Two kids and a wife, and he quits it all to start podcasting.

[00:56:02] No.

[00:56:03] And his wife's like, we have everything tied up in this.

[00:56:06] This has to work.

[00:56:07] Imagine being such a fucking rich moron that you think anyone does this out of passion.

[00:56:12] Right, right, right.

[00:56:13] Yeah, yeah.

[00:56:14] We did it because we were like bored and gonna kill ourselves.

[00:56:16] Like we were so depressed.

[00:56:17] And I was like, I guess we'll do a gay-ass podcast.

[00:56:20] Yeah.

[00:56:21] No one's like, this is gonna be it.

[00:56:23] People need to hear me talk.

[00:56:25] And it's like, he just wants to do a podcast.

[00:56:27] I don't know.

[00:56:28] He's like recording his family.

[00:56:29] All right, so he does a podcast.

[00:56:30] Then what?

[00:56:31] Where's it gonna go?

[00:56:32] I don't know, man.

[00:56:33] He joins gas digital and says the N word.

[00:56:35] Yeah.

[00:56:36] That's the other dude.

[00:56:37] We got fucking Zack Braff on.

[00:56:38] We're gonna make him fight a woman.

[00:56:40] It's like crashing.

[00:56:45] That would be funny if he did every like big podcast.

[00:56:48] He's like on Rogan.

[00:56:49] We'd have him here.

[00:56:50] Zack, open invite.

[00:56:51] Yeah, Zack, if you want to talk to real...

[00:56:54] Just men down in the fucking podcast mines.

[00:56:57] That's right.

[00:56:58] That's right.

[00:56:59] The salt of the earth, the guys that are really

[00:57:01] earning their calluses holding these mics.

[00:57:04] Yep.

[00:57:05] Why don't you come on down to the come town studios?

[00:57:07] That's right.

[00:57:08] At the top of the empire.

[00:57:09] That's right.

[00:57:10] We've overtakened.

[00:57:11] We bought it from Kumi.

[00:57:12] Oh yeah.

[00:57:13] Compound media is no more.

[00:57:14] We've surpassed them.

[00:57:16] That's right.

[00:57:17] Both in revenue and in racism.

[00:57:19] I don't know.

[00:57:24] They're doing their part for the second part.

[00:57:26] Yeah, they're really working hard.

[00:57:28] Yeah.

[00:57:29] I don't know about that.

[00:57:30] I'm gonna outdo them.

[00:57:31] All right, man.

[00:57:32] Say a couple of words.

[00:57:33] Ian, you say it because you're not technically a host.

[00:57:36] Yeah, you're not on the show.

[00:57:37] Oh, I can't even get away with whatever I want.

[00:57:39] Wait, do we want to be giving a platform to violence?

[00:57:42] No.

[00:57:43] Let's silence Ian.

[00:57:44] Let's unplug his mic for the last five minutes.

[00:57:46] I just cut Ian's mic and it's because he was saying the N word.

[00:57:50] So if you're out there listening, make sure you know.

[00:57:52] I was trying to call your cat.

[00:57:54] Yeah.

[00:57:55] Hey, man.

[00:57:56] Yeah, the worst kind of cat calling.

[00:58:01] I call you a cat the N word.

[00:58:04] That's what I thought everyone was mad about.

[00:58:09] I should just change the name of my cat.

[00:58:12] I had no idea.

[00:58:13] I had to do with talking to people in public, which I don't do anyway.

[00:58:17] So I will go back to calling my cat the N word.

[00:58:20] Thank you.

[00:58:21] Have you ever cat called anyone?

[00:58:26] Ian, I feel like you have as a joke, but you were being serious also.

[00:58:30] No, when I was younger, like as a joke around my friends, like make them laugh.

[00:58:36] You would suck the cocks.

[00:58:38] Yeah, I would just like jerk.

[00:58:39] I would do it as a teenager for sure.

[00:58:41] Yeah, as a teenager, but then like you get to a certain point, you're like, oh, this is fucking bad.

[00:58:47] Like this is making someone feel weird.

[00:58:49] You know, I have friends of mine that do it.

[00:58:51] I'm like, you get to stop.

[00:58:52] What?

[00:58:53] What?

[00:58:54] I have curiosity.

[00:58:55] What race are these?

[00:58:56] The fun guys.

[00:58:57] The musical kind.

[00:59:00] What?

[00:59:01] Gay?

[00:59:02] Yeah.

[00:59:03] Give me that ass.

[00:59:04] Are you trying to say jazz?

[00:59:06] No, it's just the reason you don't do it is not because it makes people feel bad.

[00:59:10] I think like sometimes it makes people feel good.

[00:59:14] I mean, there's a certain type of it that's shitty, obviously.

[00:59:17] Yeah, there's that a lot of people.

[00:59:18] You don't do it because it's fucking like you're an adult and you're, you know, you should be leaving the house and go do whatever you're fucking sick.

[00:59:25] You shouldn't be yelling at posts.

[00:59:26] Yeah, like I mean, I never did it because I'm a good ass guy.

[00:59:30] Yeah.

[00:59:31] And not because I was a pussy when everyone else was catcalling.

[00:59:35] Yeah.

[00:59:36] Oh, I mean, that's the only reason you do it is because you are a pussy and you live in fear and like you want to impress your black friends.

[00:59:42] Right, right, right.

[00:59:43] Yeah.

[00:59:44] Sound familiar?

[00:59:45] Yeah.

[00:59:46] Very.

[00:59:47] Yeah.

[00:59:48] No, I never did it.

[00:59:49] No, it's.

[00:59:50] No, I remember, I remember specifically one time when I was like 15 and I was like, like, hey, what's up?

[00:59:56] Did like some girl and she was like, hey, and she like came over and talked to me and I was like, oh, I gotta go.

[01:00:01] Yeah.

[01:00:02] You're fucking, you're bitch.

[01:00:03] You're bitch.

[01:00:06] Yeah.

[01:00:07] Yeah.

[01:00:08] I have to go coming my pants in the bathroom.

[01:00:13] Yeah.

[01:00:14] I did it like drunk leaving a party in college.

[01:00:16] I was like, hey, the love Dr. College.

[01:00:18] She was like, what?

[01:00:19] I was like, never mind.

[01:00:20] The love Dr. College made my friends laugh.

[01:00:22] I was like, wait, you didn't go to college?

[01:00:24] Yeah, you went to NYU, dude.

[01:00:26] You're looking at NYU fucking graduate.

[01:00:29] You graduated?

[01:00:30] They fucking made a mistake.

[01:00:31] Wow.

[01:00:32] How much debt do you have?

[01:00:34] Well, you know, enough for me to try to suck people off to make some money.

[01:00:39] That's true.

[01:00:40] But you spend money on that.

[01:00:42] You spend money on that.

[01:00:43] Yeah.

[01:00:44] It's a horrible process.

[01:00:45] Hey, man, you guys spend money to make money.

[01:00:48] You spend money to make money.

[01:00:49] You're trying to start your dick sucking business.

[01:00:53] You're doing a little research.

[01:00:55] Yeah.

[01:00:56] A little R&D.

[01:00:57] Research and Dick Suckle.

[01:01:00] Dick Suckle.

[01:01:01] So I had a buddy that got mad at a girl in a train because he's like, hey, I like your coat

[01:01:06] and she ignored him.

[01:01:07] He's like, what's your problem?

[01:01:08] I was like, you're fucking a stranger talking to someone.

[01:01:11] You don't know the kind of day they had?

[01:01:13] He's like, no, man, it's fucked up.

[01:01:14] You don't know what kind of day they had?

[01:01:17] Yeah, dude.

[01:01:18] Sometimes you don't know if you talk to someone and they're fucking angry.

[01:01:21] They had a bad day.

[01:01:22] They just found something bad out.

[01:01:24] I don't know.

[01:01:25] I don't think it should be wrong to fucking say to somebody, hey, I like your jacket.

[01:01:29] Oh, but then to get mad at them for not responding, that's wrong.

[01:01:32] That's fucked up.

[01:01:33] Oh, I didn't hear that, Paul.

[01:01:34] Yeah.

[01:01:35] I was thinking about something else.

[01:01:36] What was it?

[01:01:37] What was it?

[01:01:38] I don't know if I should have dinner or not.

[01:01:39] I'm hungry, dude.

[01:01:40] I'm hungry.

[01:01:41] I don't know.

[01:01:42] I'm all fucking bloated.

[01:01:43] I started cycling creatine again.

[01:01:45] Oh, shit.

[01:01:46] And it just fucked my whole stomach's all fucked up.

[01:01:48] Isn't that bad for you?

[01:01:49] Yeah.

[01:01:50] No, my cat's fucked up, too.

[01:01:52] Dog, you got it.

[01:01:53] I told you about the dangers of exercise, man.

[01:01:55] Yeah, fuck that.

[01:01:56] I'll be fine.

[01:01:57] You just throw all that shit out.

[01:01:58] You just can't stop.

[01:01:59] Yeah, it's good to exercise.

[01:02:01] It makes you feel good.

[01:02:02] Yeah, that's way more of a healthy thing than fucking burgers.

[01:02:05] I'm saying it's an addictive behavior.

[01:02:07] I'm not equating the two behaviors.

[01:02:09] I'm real good, dude.

[01:02:10] I'm like happy for the first time in like two years.

[01:02:11] I'm doing spots again.

[01:02:12] You see me?

[01:02:13] Yeah, doing spots again.

[01:02:14] I'm not fat anymore.

[01:02:15] I got fucking fat as shit.

[01:02:17] And then I was just letting myself have my fancy writing jobs.

[01:02:22] Stand up.

[01:02:23] You got miserable.

[01:02:24] Yeah, man.

[01:02:25] You seem really happy.

[01:02:26] You're in a good place.

[01:02:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[01:02:28] And I'm kinder to people unless they're, you know, on your podcast.

[01:02:31] Yeah, right.

[01:02:32] That's what's important.

[01:02:34] The only reason for you to be happy is so you can share it with others.

[01:02:38] Yes.

[01:02:39] Bitch.

[01:02:40] Bitch us.

[01:02:41] You do not do not say the game on it.

[01:02:43] You are a gay bitch to say this to my face.

[01:02:46] That is the one we will rip and rub.

[01:02:48] The one who is happy.

[01:02:50] Yeah.

[01:02:51] Here he comes.

[01:02:52] Welcome to Africa.

[01:02:53] I hope you enjoyed your flight.

[01:02:56] My name is Mr. Johnson.

[01:02:58] I will be showing you to your mosquito net that you will be living in for the next six

[01:03:02] months.

[01:03:03] This is the one the president stays in.

[01:03:08] The president is in jail for eating people.

[01:03:13] All right.

[01:03:14] Well, that's going to do it.

[01:03:15] Thanks folks.

[01:03:16] Good night.

[01:03:17] Goodbye.