Cum Town | Regular | 03/01/2018
[00:00:00] you listen to the come town the world's only podcast that's right it's the
[00:00:11] in the world in the fucking world suck our not saying that not as a joke but
[00:00:17] that's right people people think a lot of the hubris
[00:00:21] related to the show is that ironic now I tell you that's the only thing that's
[00:00:26] not ironic about this show it's true that my love of gaming and then the
[00:00:31] racism is about half and half yeah fifty fifty depending yeah on the kind of
[00:00:36] experiences we've had with minorities in the last 24 hours that's right in fact
[00:00:41] I only have pleasant experiences with minorities in real life yeah hmm only
[00:00:48] only yeah really there's never one you know it's weird you know it's because
[00:00:52] it's like I like I don't think I'm racist but it's also like I haven't been put
[00:00:56] in many situations where I could have become racist explain you know I mean
[00:01:01] like like I had that Korean guy fucked me over on my rent that's right time
[00:01:05] mm-hmm but it's also every Chinese person I've dealt with and I go in a
[00:01:09] landlord situation they've been great mmm interesting they've been almost
[00:01:12] perfect interesting really I guess yeah I maybe Koreans can go fuck off
[00:01:16] that's right my not Chinese and they're the same race so yeah yeah you're right
[00:01:20] so that's what kind of protects me from racism mm-hmm the Chinese being better
[00:01:24] than it's not having an understanding of Asian peoples yeah well you know the
[00:01:29] Chinese and the Koreans are simply it's not like calling the Japanese and Koreans
[00:01:33] or Chinese the same Japan has beef with the rest of the Chinese countries
[00:01:38] right right right but China say Koreans look a little more Japanese no in fact
[00:01:44] they'd be pretty fucking mad at you I don't know I don't know man you would
[00:01:51] they yeah I know what this is got my I know my order of reference goes Chinese
[00:01:58] Japanese and Korean interesting yeah I would put Chinese at the bottom we
[00:02:04] started talking about the races of being ironic and we're ranking the
[00:02:09] innovations right now but yeah for sure Korean not racist Korean goes number one
[00:02:15] it's racist to say you dislike a group of people it's not racist to say have
[00:02:19] favorites that's right you're right I love their cuisine yeah you know that's
[00:02:24] not if we're being honest Korean barbecue is really it's weird that cuisine is a
[00:02:29] French word and the French have the most disgusting food of any people I just
[00:02:33] think it's regular food with butter and all the chef terms come from France and
[00:02:37] yeah French food is bullshit French cooking is like very regimented and
[00:02:42] fucked up like yeah they French they think it's they think it's the army because
[00:02:45] it's the close thing to the army they have yeah because they don't have a real
[00:02:47] life because they're gay bitches so to them Julie ending shit yeah actually you
[00:02:52] know what French is the worst type of Asian
[00:02:57] have you seen an as what France you've just been downgraded from a white
[00:03:00] country we're podcasting this is this is pressure podcasting Nick's got a damn
[00:03:09] spot he's sitting on a chair dude I'm doing it with a tooth with missing a
[00:03:14] damn to your voice already sounds different I wasn't expecting it to be
[00:03:18] so different but it is it's like when a little kid loses that fucking front to
[00:03:21] my ass yeah you look like you look and sound like the stranger things kid yeah
[00:03:28] this is stranger things season 12 where like they've run out of people in the
[00:03:32] town to molest him he's 35 years old he works at Blockbuster still rides the
[00:03:37] bike there oh yeah still a Zane bike I guess you got a tooth in season 2 they
[00:03:43] got teeth did he I don't know I don't watch that show because it sucks yeah I
[00:03:47] only do a good show is I was mind hunter like mind hunter no I don't like any
[00:03:54] cooking show I like for guys grocery game me and oh that one guys grocery
[00:03:58] games fucking rules it's that is chopped basically both guys just
[00:04:02] something and I shot this for like intellectuals I prefer guys grocery
[00:04:06] games that's true it's not as complicated as chopped it's for it's yeah
[00:04:12] it's for it's for guys like me who just you know at the end of a hard day at
[00:04:16] work I don't want to think mm-hmm I just want to shut down and watch some
[00:04:19] people compete in a grocery store that's right that's right so you can make the
[00:04:23] best Oreo dinner oh fucking Oreo curry to the at tilapia fucking crusted
[00:04:29] or cr uh Oreo crust it's a lot your ingredients are the fuck it's some mayonnaise
[00:04:35] mustard a bucket of of a cool-aid powder and this the stack of the coupon books
[00:04:47] they sell they hand out at the front of the store I mean elders have been gamble
[00:04:54] and Pete my other roommate have been gambling on chopped recently and it's
[00:04:57] it really fucking throws on on our favorite gambling website yes bet these
[00:05:04] on they started they started covering chopped yeah but it's fun dude it's
[00:05:12] those little extra something something to the chopped watching experience yeah
[00:05:17] yeah I'm sorry I just getting the timer going here okay yeah yeah man this is
[00:05:22] fucking down to the wire I don't know why you didn't we do this shit yesterday
[00:05:25] then Sunday happened you asked you I know I forgot it was Tuesday already
[00:05:30] we the wire you think that by now I would know that I do two podcast a week
[00:05:35] it is true once we do one I'm like well yeah I'm working for the week it is you
[00:05:41] know it's funny cuz like people are like you don't work very hard you only do
[00:05:44] two hours of saying mmm-hmm dumb as shit yes two times a week you don't
[00:05:49] deserve thirty thousand dollars a month right and you know what like fucked up
[00:05:54] we have not taken a single break except for like maybe three or four or five
[00:05:58] times yeah nothing is there no co-host has ever gone missing for bet but be it
[00:06:07] like illness in the family or going on vacation in Europe for three weeks for
[00:06:11] no reason you know never happened so you've never forgotten to upload an
[00:06:16] episode just kind of skipped it and hope no one would know it is funny like we
[00:06:19] did hit thirty thousand and hell yeah and and like I saw a lot of people
[00:06:25] deleting subscriptions are like fuck that you make too much money you don't
[00:06:28] deserve this much money people are writing that it's like we didn't deserve
[00:06:32] two hundred dollars there's no amount of money we deserve to do a podcast right
[00:06:40] absolutely not what we deserve is health insurance and I still have it yep me
[00:06:44] neither clearly with my fucking tooth yeah I'm good to be toothless till Friday
[00:06:50] dude yeah and then I get a little flipper and the reason I deserve health
[00:06:54] insurance isn't because I'm a good person it's because I've paid probably
[00:06:58] seventy thousand dollars in taxes this year yeah and I don't use the fucking
[00:07:03] roads I walk on the side wall it's true who's paying for the sidewalks that
[00:07:06] doesn't come out of taxes that's prime mailman paper that's right that's right
[00:07:10] they get that comes from all the birthday money they steal out all the
[00:07:13] cards in a deal damn you paid that much I'm about to get banged attack dude this
[00:07:20] fucking two thing was fucking brutal how much did it cause well this I got
[00:07:23] hooked up I got hooked up but you got to stop getting hooked up on dental
[00:07:27] that's how that's how this happened in the first one no this is good this guy is
[00:07:31] your tooth was a little pink and your mom said she knew a guy yeah here we are
[00:07:35] three months later and you look like a goddamn jack I know dude but it's out of
[00:07:42] my mouth now okay the problems are gone now I'm gonna get a little flipper for
[00:07:47] six months I'm gonna be able to pop it in and out and then I'm gonna get a and
[00:07:51] then I'm gonna get a dental implant and that I'm not scrimping on but that's
[00:07:54] gonna cost like at least two grand and then my surgery who knows how much
[00:07:58] that's gonna fucking cost I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna have to spend like 10
[00:08:02] grand to not have a fucked up mouth that's insane I know it's crazy that's a
[00:08:07] really I can't get fucking health insurance I mean the flip side is I'm
[00:08:10] gonna have to spend a hundred thousand dollars on that surgery where they break
[00:08:12] your bones that's sure to get to be half inch taller no it's a lot more than
[00:08:17] that dude how much more like four inches no really yeah dude yeah I take girl if
[00:08:22] you wanted to grow a half inch I'm sure you could figure out lifts would be
[00:08:26] enough it's true I mean I need to I'm five two that's true yeah you know I'm
[00:08:32] trying to get to six seven yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so lifts you're gonna break
[00:08:36] your fucking I'm breaking all my bones yeah oh even your dick bone yeah everyone
[00:08:41] having all my joints shattered beautiful fingers yeah everything in them my skull
[00:08:46] really have all my bones pulverized and they're gonna put me in a giant vacuum
[00:08:52] hmm the hose it comes down and goes directly into my lungs so I'm gonna be
[00:08:56] tube fed air okay to stay alive mm-hmm nutrients through IV and then you keep
[00:09:01] me in that fucking vacuum till I've expanded ah like this like a sea monk
[00:09:06] like a bathtub suicide yeah then I'll get all the girls perfect dude just
[00:09:12] my spongy ground and fucked up yeah waterlogged just so my like yeah just a
[00:09:19] purple fucking mess on the ground and my tender bio I put six seven well he
[00:09:26] does look like a corpse yeah he does look like a rotten eggplant mm-hmm
[00:09:32] god oh yeah melted beanbag chair oh hell yeah the final fucking caught on fire
[00:09:37] that sounds hot but I'd fuck a fine I'd fuck a big beanbag chair you know the
[00:09:41] rules you know because everybody's everybody wants a tall I'm a said the
[00:09:46] inward I said it everybody wants everybody wants a it's all got to be tall
[00:09:55] these two mm-hmm I remember it used to be because look I'm 4 11 you know and sure
[00:10:00] yes yes 20 years ago guys like me were respected yes put on a nice fucking
[00:10:05] suit yeah a fedora in a nineteen in the 1930s the average male height was three
[00:10:11] foot six the basket see that Mexicans haven't grown since then they always
[00:10:17] to be basketball players back then mm-hmm that's a little known fact yeah when
[00:10:21] the when the WNBA first launched it was all Mexican men yeah so stood for where
[00:10:28] where is the NBA yeah they originally sent his contractors to build the
[00:10:33] hardwood floors for the NBA but they just started their own league yeah while
[00:10:37] searching for the location of the NBA yeah bro I've looked into it man I was
[00:10:45] also gonna do that thing that African women do where you put rings around your
[00:10:48] neck mm to make my your neck bigger yeah longer now just go on dates with women
[00:10:53] they're like how tall you're like six four my shoulders are like at their
[00:10:58] waist yeah like we're walking down the street and like there's like a tube
[00:11:07] hanging off of some building this under construction but for whatever reason
[00:11:10] the tube is hooked up to like a vacuum on the top it like sucks air in yes and
[00:11:16] then she's like going to repurpose and her keys get sucked up the tube she's
[00:11:19] like oh no my keys and I'm like I got this yeah and I just stick my long head
[00:11:25] of that to be I get yeah and then all the guys on the street are jealous because
[00:11:30] none of them have a four and a half foot long neck of course dude yeah you
[00:11:34] stunted on I did you burden you ostrich all over those motherfuckers you got
[00:11:38] that big ostrich neck hell yeah that sounds pretty good I the surgery I would
[00:11:44] like is not elective it's the one I need yeah bro this motherfucker grab what
[00:11:50] do you mean I don't need surgery to make my neck three feet long you think you
[00:11:53] need that yes will you die if you don't have it here's the thing man you don't
[00:11:57] need a tooth that's you got like 30 of them I only have one neck and it's not
[00:12:01] long enough that's true man you got I'm being selfish fuck you're right well my
[00:12:07] next not long do I need the surgery no cuz you're morbidly obese I'm basically
[00:12:11] I am regularly obese I'm basically physically perfect except for sure everywhere
[00:12:17] you go be like that little fucking short next piece of shit his body so
[00:12:22] beautiful his calves his pecs yeah works of God that's what they said but the
[00:12:28] neck that little fucking squat piece of shit I know damn I'm sorry man everyone
[00:12:33] has been saying that it's been hard on me because I agree with them your neck
[00:12:37] is disgusting yeah but I love you so much I always have your back but now
[00:12:42] that you're bringing it up yeah you have a fucked up neck yeah so that's got to
[00:12:46] be depressing having your front tooth missing you know it's kind of funny
[00:12:50] dude every to all day today I was like it's funny to me no no like but all
[00:12:55] like first of all I want to train and just know homeless people ask you for
[00:12:59] money like a lady came out me she was like you have some money I just smiled
[00:13:06] and she walked away she didn't even ask for anything she was like fucking taking
[00:13:10] a back I look like a guy who's in his first stages of homelessness because you
[00:13:16] know what I mean like I just no no no you look like you got this homeless
[00:13:19] yeah look like a guy that's been homeless to the point where he lost the
[00:13:23] tooth this isn't we this is fucking years my regular habits are just what a
[00:13:33] homeless guy's dental habits are where you're on a first-name basis with
[00:13:37] everyone that works at every shelter in the city let me just get some scraps
[00:13:43] please yeah you got your fucking shopping cart pulled up to the front of
[00:13:47] those link NYC boots and you're watching fucking black music video
[00:13:53] I'm on yeah dude I'm on four fucking milk crates just fucking sitting down
[00:13:57] post it up yeah yeah so but people keep like looking at me and like like
[00:14:06] there in this way I keep getting like a weird glance where it's like not
[00:14:10] horror like I guess they're trying to be polite but all day I've been like
[00:14:13] damn I must have some something going on today I got some charisma about me and
[00:14:17] I'm like no they're gawking at you because you don't have a fucking front
[00:14:20] tooth but like women have like looked at won't break eye contact immediately
[00:14:24] like usual like they're looking at my fucked up tooth and I'm like why are you
[00:14:29] going around smiling at people nobody ever sees my teeth I smile I'm a smile
[00:14:33] that's first of all that's a sign of a coward is smiling so letting see your
[00:14:37] teeth I bear my teeth at people like Jim show you're in control if I'm going
[00:14:45] to 711 and I see two taquitos rolling on that fucking day I bury my teeth at
[00:14:49] everyone and let them know they better not order those fucking taquitos
[00:14:52] they'll wait until I make my half peanut colada half Coca Cola slurpee and then
[00:14:58] I'll order those two taquitos Wow dude yeah let him cook a little extra he
[00:15:02] like him crispy yeah well you know what can I say man I also had a moment in a
[00:15:07] coffee shop where I saw just some fucking suck some hot one with like some ugly
[00:15:12] dude and I was like damn I should fucking steal this girl I was like oh I'm ugly
[00:15:17] as shit and I'm missing a fucking dude like imagine me just sauntering up to
[00:15:21] some I like how they took losing a front tooth for yourself esteem to finally
[00:15:26] match your physical appearance it was that was the last pick dude yeah because
[00:15:30] I mean the tooth brought you from like a three to a two na na na front tooth
[00:15:35] really you know what missing the tooth kind of brought you from a three to a
[00:15:38] different kind of yeah I think it did brought me up yeah it's weird it's like
[00:15:44] because it's like if you get if you have dude I'm just and you're I'm
[00:15:48] wearing your room and it smells bad in here and like well I just took you
[00:15:51] listen motherfucker now I don't say anything I can see that you got brand
[00:15:54] new laundry sitting on the bed so if anything it smells better in here than
[00:15:58] normally first of all I had a long day of writing two tweets okay so I I
[00:16:03] worked up a nice musk in the coffee shop today yeah also I'm out of soap and I
[00:16:08] usually steal eldest is but he is also out of soap so I've been taking regular
[00:16:12] showers with some of Ryan shampoo yeah okay and that doesn't clean the way
[00:16:16] soap should yeah okay so that's number one I never use any kind of so per you
[00:16:21] don't use any soap not often no I just rinse off not to wash your cheeks no
[00:16:26] dude I'm fucking I'm clean you don't wash your asshole with soap nope are you
[00:16:30] out of your fucking mind never smell bad that's wild dude there's no way now
[00:16:35] man it's you're dick your dick head under your balls you know that gets
[00:16:40] soaked down I'm like once every what you fuck once every two weeks you fuck
[00:16:45] once every two weeks no I know you fuck more than that I know I know at the very
[00:16:48] least you should be fucking scrubbing pussy off with some dial dude no yes
[00:16:52] absolutely I don't maybe I wash my balls and dick in the sink after with no soap
[00:16:57] though yeah just a little rinse a little rinse I mean but hold on the human body
[00:17:01] was designed to do that this is no absolutely not dude I don't give a fuck
[00:17:05] you about the rock star car wash every here that no people talk about that
[00:17:08] no it's for you fuck a girl and then you wash your dick off in another girl's
[00:17:12] pussy right after that's pretty good yeah yeah the hooker shower is when you
[00:17:18] wash your genitalia in a sink yeah preferably they also call that a
[00:17:24] Mexican shower don't they do they I don't know I don't think so I've heard
[00:17:29] that I know the Mexican shower just acts for his bath and then a horse bath I
[00:17:33] thought the making sure I was just a spot is pray yeah you know but enough
[00:17:37] like you're in the misting tent at the zoo that amount yeah you know I'm saying
[00:17:41] my my my thing is is laying down in the shower and doing characters you lay down
[00:17:51] the shower real yeah or just a bit no I do my you know what I like to do I like
[00:17:55] to fucking work the edge of the bathtub into my rhomboids oh no yeah that shit
[00:18:00] is dirty as fuck I know I don't give a shit you don't use soap and you lay down
[00:18:05] on the dirty ass back I work my back you're fucked up I fucking I press the
[00:18:09] little soap holder into my into my lats and shit no this is prison dude this
[00:18:15] is a that's a prison massage nobody if you did that in prison they'd probably
[00:18:18] kill you now they would they were taking us an alpha move yeah you're laying down
[00:18:23] using the fixtures to rub yourself dangerously close to shooting in the
[00:18:29] kitchen you mean fucking beautifully close dude that got me so good that's
[00:18:37] the best bit we've ever done in our lives dude but no I don't know man I
[00:18:42] think I'm just honestly what I'm really scared of is I'm gonna like having no
[00:18:45] tooth too much I think if anybody's gonna pull it off because actually here's
[00:18:49] the thing you're right you're very rude the way you talk about it and you could
[00:18:53] be better but yes I understand societally I'm not the most attractive man
[00:18:58] however well basically my whole life has been built up to overcome a horrible
[00:19:06] body and if anyone can pull off no fucking tooth honestly it's me dude yeah
[00:19:10] probably honestly like I could walk I could make you kind of charming somehow
[00:19:14] I'll figure it out dude give me give me a couple months with no tooth it's fine
[00:19:18] yeah I might get more pushing people understand like if you've been fat your
[00:19:22] whole life it it definitely helps you in many ways mm-hmm not medically obvious
[00:19:26] no no no the life spent not necessarily self-esteem but the outward the
[00:19:32] confidence you have sure you're able yeah if you're able to have the confidence
[00:19:36] to be that fat and not you know be into like you know warcraft right right
[00:19:42] then seek fat shelter somewhere amongst other fat basically shit yes yeah build
[00:19:46] a cabinet in your bedroom that houses the computer so you can have a bedroom
[00:19:52] inside your bedroom as a toilet paper roll underneath the I mean I think
[00:19:58] I think it's all they're underneath the desk so when you masturbate you can just
[00:20:03] pull off a lot of toilet paper beautiful have you seen those those gaming rigs
[00:20:07] that have you we've mentioned these before yes they're beautiful yeah honestly I
[00:20:10] think about it sometimes did you know how beautiful life would be if like just
[00:20:14] on one of my benders if that was just my life I'm just always fucked up I'm
[00:20:18] eating fucking pizza and wings for breakfast and shit like that and I'm just
[00:20:22] I keep getting fatter and fatter I don't worry about fucking ever and I just
[00:20:26] die that wouldn't be that bad I mean that's kind of like just quitting you
[00:20:31] know yeah I'd be very depressed but then I just get fucked up the second I
[00:20:34] started getting depressed I had a real bad day the other day and I was like I
[00:20:37] just wanted just do heroin yeah oh fuck yeah I when I'm like that I I would do I
[00:20:45] was a while I was doing a lot of pills yeah my roommate got a great my roommate
[00:20:48] got in a car accident I was just stealing them and I was fat is fuck bro
[00:20:52] and honestly those pills running out kind of made me get my life together
[00:20:56] because I was like well yeah I've eaten too many these but you didn't get your
[00:21:00] life together momentarily I did this was in college I lost a lot of weight I got
[00:21:03] a fucking girlfriend and then once I locked her up I was like oh yeah Tom
[00:21:07] the get that same girl you're dating what I mean yes yep that was what 370
[00:21:12] pounds no I mean I know you're kidding but I'm serious I was no I was 325 oh
[00:21:17] okay I thought you're about 470 no no these 25 I mean I know I understand it's
[00:21:23] hard for you as a man of your size mm-hmm at at four six but people are much
[00:21:29] you don't you understand sign well I'm four six 225 that's your yeah you're
[00:21:33] Jack you're built like a fucking brick house this shit break house
[00:21:39] that boy's built like a fuck shit house fuck ass house boy isn't shit
[00:21:45] break house a term it's well Brit like a brick full of shit I don't know what it
[00:21:49] is yeah I think I'm throwing those dumb ways to refer to somebody I love it
[00:21:52] dude yeah yeah yeah so I don't know man I think I'm kind of like if I learned
[00:21:57] how to whistle out this tooth dude yeah try it I can't you know what you
[00:22:07] should get as an implant is like a little eight ball oh magic eight ball
[00:22:12] yeah I shake my head up and no no no just like you know I was somebody if
[00:22:16] I always when I was a kid I would fantasize about losing my eyes so I could
[00:22:20] get oh hell yeah eight ball that would be bad ass dude that would be just
[00:22:27] in second grade eight ball off yeah yeah yeah looking fucked up it look like
[00:22:33] you just got you should just sell sell coke split open at a fucking pool hall
[00:22:37] yeah I go horrible accident that's all I want to do is a horrific eye injury
[00:22:41] when I was a kid I remember my first girlfriend there was some guy I would
[00:22:46] use the fuck or some guy she was friends with who had a missing eye and I
[00:22:51] remember I was like I was very insecure about that that guy had a cool scar
[00:22:55] he had shot in the eye I wanted a scar I wanted to talk about it too and the
[00:22:59] way that would make me insecure she's like that's so hot I want to walk in so
[00:23:03] bad I was probably 17 okay this is the goal is doing heroin now yeah and that
[00:23:10] just time at the time she wasn't I mean he pills here and there but sure her
[00:23:14] life went to shit yeah yeah yeah she got that mold dog dick did well after she
[00:23:19] left me for some guy got shot I want a scar I don't remember who not scar I
[00:23:28] didn't fuck with scar from Lion King Tom Beringer and the mask in a platoon
[00:23:34] now I didn't see platoon till later that's a good movie that's a good scar I
[00:23:38] remember the scar actually yeah but to the villain from the man's got you know and
[00:23:43] because here's the thing we already do you we already a little baby boy is born
[00:23:48] and they like mangled not not everyone's past not everyone's but I'm saying he's
[00:23:52] got a nice little song you know how fucking mad I am I'm a bit I don't
[00:23:55] remember being circumcised I don't give a shit it looks better I'm here going
[00:23:59] yeah cut my face up yeah if you're gonna remove the head of my dick you're
[00:24:04] gonna do something that fucked up I want to I want a scar going from the top of
[00:24:09] my head all the way down my cheek through my eye but slice through my eyeball
[00:24:14] you want to lose functionality with your eyes I want I want one of those glossy
[00:24:18] white ones with the red line down the bells and you know if you go to a nice
[00:24:22] hospital give me the eight ball yeah just just you know your family has money
[00:24:28] just give me an eight ball yeah I would be like one of those rich babies with a
[00:24:37] scar down his whole fucking forehead and eight ball in his eye and then fucking
[00:24:44] cut destroyer tattoo across my neck yeah you know I'm the fucking hoity-toity
[00:24:50] Connecticut you're fucking popping real fucking gas station on a road trip and
[00:24:54] you'll just see some fucking kid with perfect blonde hair and just the fucking
[00:24:58] flame tattoo every baby average baby with a couple slurs on his forehead yeah
[00:25:06] yeah now but for real though I wouldn't have been I wouldn't be mad at my parents
[00:25:10] if they had the doctor slice my face open in various different ways you know
[00:25:14] really make me look like a fucked up badass dude and then and then you know
[00:25:19] maybe I don't need the circumcision at that point that's right because what
[00:25:22] circumcision supposed to do keep you dick clean the only women there's gonna be
[00:25:26] fucking with you if you have a bunch of horrific facial scars already have
[00:25:30] clovergens oh yeah because the only people that are attracted to that are
[00:25:35] morons I see you know I was gonna say who was it maybe yeah you know had some
[00:25:41] rough stuff happen to them in their childhood that would have been my
[00:25:45] guess yeah like that girl there's no way she had a chill childhood which girl
[00:25:50] your first girlfriend oh yeah no not at all yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah decidedly
[00:25:55] for sure not chill stuff probably happens yeah speaking of that I was
[00:26:00] watching Forrest Gump Jenny apparently got molested big time oh yeah what it
[00:26:05] seemed like oh yeah that movie sucked dude yeah that movie done it's a terrible
[00:26:10] movie I put it on in the background while I was getting some writing down a
[00:26:13] couple months ago and I was like 15 minutes into it and was like what what
[00:26:17] the fuck is this yeah people love this movie also Jenny would have fucked him
[00:26:21] way sooner yeah because she got molested yeah and she's clearly there's the two
[00:26:26] flavors there's you never fuck again Forrest Gump feels like a child molested
[00:26:30] tried to make a Wes Anderson movie oh interesting yeah okay I can see that I
[00:26:36] just don't get it dude it's like what the fuck is supposed to be cool about
[00:26:39] he just this retard just fucking hops into every part of history yeah yeah
[00:26:43] is that the whole is that the whole movie and he runs fast or something like that
[00:26:47] he's good a football why because he runs fast yeah he's lucky they didn't allow
[00:26:52] black people in a first damn this is what they get coffee is terrible yeah it's
[00:26:57] bad but they do sell Lucy's I just spit all over the microphone I'm sorry while
[00:27:01] I was laughing not now okay earlier that's that's Adams is it I don't know I
[00:27:07] wonder if Adams ever coming back I hope he is yeah feel bad for our boy yeah but
[00:27:13] the show's going great yeah it's fun to do the show I wish I wasn't the truth
[00:27:18] the live show is was terrible you think so yeah it was fun no no not carolines
[00:27:24] funny moms oh fuck I'm sorry dude yeah I know Adam refused to tweet out the
[00:27:31] one I know he's got stuff going on but I don't want to I would not put it past
[00:27:43] Adam to interesting intentionally not tweet out the link to the show to make
[00:27:49] me look bad to remind me that he's necessary for some interesting interesting
[00:27:55] interesting it's a it's a minor power play from him you're saying you're
[00:27:59] thinking yeah you always look you always looking Prince my chiffer Lee right
[00:28:03] you're probably you're probably brushing up on Prince my chiffer Lee right now
[00:28:06] aren't you no that shit comes natural to me I see yeah I don't need to read a
[00:28:10] fucking book to know how to manipulate people smart yeah how did you pick it
[00:28:14] up what what Adam's doing manipulation the art of manipulation um gaming
[00:28:20] gaming of course on the mods on the boards by by playing anime dating sims
[00:28:25] selecting the right question to ask beautiful princess to get just to see
[00:28:34] some side boob after playing it for three hours thank you for fucking my
[00:28:40] bro check mate bro I don't like like a two late in life like five years ago
[00:28:50] meet me back when you had all your teeth me yeah dude when I was a beautiful 325
[00:28:55] pound boy nothing but teeth nothing but beautiful chompers by the way it does
[00:29:01] it turns out you should brush your teeth guys yeah I was always a firm believer
[00:29:05] that not brushing my teeth was never gonna do I make fun of you but I got a
[00:29:09] bottom one of my bottom teeth is doing the same thing oh no go to the dentist
[00:29:13] bro I got it I mean it's all black at the fucking bottom that might be
[00:29:16] resorption that's what I had dude yeah I think it's just rotting away that's
[00:29:20] what type of riding away I'm gonna lose it to two but it'll be going to the
[00:29:22] bottom ones anyway so I'm so much better than dude I this is the worst tooth
[00:29:27] top right are you fucking kidding me yeah the worst tooth to fucking lose I
[00:29:31] think it's still gonna be eating like shit to you like one of those guys that
[00:29:34] uh has a stoma you know you get sick that fucking tracheotomy and then they
[00:29:39] smoke through it anyways oh yeah yeah I had one day where I was a liquid diet
[00:29:43] and that was fine then they said 24 your boy got right back to it dude yeah
[00:29:48] right back to I am kind kind of a bender I'm in a weird part where it's like I'm
[00:29:52] struggling to get my life together but every medical problem sinks me back in
[00:29:58] the depression so I eat like shit and I am and this this tooth the gum has been
[00:30:03] receding for like five years my don't it's every year it gets worse and more go
[00:30:07] to the goddamn dentist shit what doesn't hurt it doesn't know it doesn't hurt
[00:30:12] all it's not loose it feels healthy it'll bleed a look cuz what I do is I use
[00:30:16] one of those you know those hooks those metal hooks uh-huh all after I brush
[00:30:20] my teeth I'll scrape anything out of that hole with one of those metal
[00:30:24] things oh shit so I pay extra attention to it and I like I like I do my own
[00:30:29] scaling in my own math you gotta fucking get a doctor to do that shit dude why I
[00:30:33] don't know it's a tool I know how to use tools I'm trust you with it you're
[00:30:37] gonna fuck up bro by the way the cleaning I got because I hadn't just gone to the
[00:30:42] dentist at all in years they did a cleaning to that shit was worse than the
[00:30:46] fucking yeah do it with a scale in playing you yeah dude it's like it was
[00:30:50] like tour it was like fucking a mine I feel like I had that shit done once and
[00:30:54] everybody's like oh it's excruciating and it was fine no bro I just didn't I
[00:30:59] mean it was like uncomfortable but no it was horrible dude it was like some
[00:31:03] Honduran like little fat Honduran lady who had no time for my yelps I was
[00:31:07] like I spit out just the most viscous red-ass blood at the end it wasn't even
[00:31:17] like a little pink dude this bitch was going at me and with no remorse dude
[00:31:22] yeah well I guess I should go to a dentist and get a cleaning yeah I still
[00:31:26] don't have health insurance damn bro it's so expensive and then it's shit if
[00:31:31] you look at the marketplace it's like there's nothing there's not a single
[00:31:34] plan that's four stars are above in my area yeah there's no platinum plans you
[00:31:39] have to get a shitty plan that sucks and it costs $500 a month and it does
[00:31:43] nothing with a $6,000 yeah exactly the thing that it does do is the health
[00:31:48] insurance company is allowed to negotiate prices with the medical
[00:31:50] provider so you pay $500 for a thing that would have cost $800 gotcha but
[00:31:58] they still don't but I feel like if you go to a good seat when I say I got a
[00:32:01] hookup this time a friend a friend's uncle's actually a good dentist and he
[00:32:07] really did like he did do good work and the cleaning is good and he also knows
[00:32:11] a surgeon who has been working with me like they've been like cool since I don't
[00:32:14] have insurance this thing if I go to a guy and I get my teeth clean I pay 500
[00:32:18] fucking dollars you're not paying that for a teeth and I pay 200 or whatever I
[00:32:22] pay I want them to cut across my face right and I want that goddamn 8-ball
[00:32:29] that's right we get matching 8-balls dude I would be jealous with Adam be if he
[00:32:33] comes back dude you have a missing tooth with an 8-ball in it that honestly
[00:32:36] that would be cool yeah you're still healing so you look horrible it just
[00:32:42] pink and terrible yeah you come back and put your
[00:32:47] shit and I have an 8-ball I think is what I want water like you're not allowed to
[00:32:55] copy sorry dude no copy hooked up to an IV smile just bleams my little a ball
[00:33:00] gleams in the fucking Sun yeah dude we went to the hospital
[00:33:06] this he went to the hospital without you I guess it would be a round 8-ball
[00:33:10] tooth it would be it would just be it would just be cosmetic it would not it
[00:33:16] would look like it look like a but then it's got the 8-ball guy this fucking
[00:33:22] sucks this the most talking I've done because it's like you know like I mean
[00:33:27] I'm I'm regular talking but like I sound so fucking stupid you do you get
[00:33:32] out of the I've already got used to it it sounds normal to me now I just hit a
[00:33:35] couple Fs in a row and it really got to me yeah but whatever man I'm precocious
[00:33:40] and young and cute I got a tooth missing I'm definitely not dying that's for
[00:33:44] sure it's this is definitely not the first stage of my body quitting on me
[00:33:47] yeah between this and the growth in my job I mean getting fatter every year
[00:33:51] less healthy yeah doing more drugs is I you're young you're almost 30 years old
[00:33:56] that's young that's certainly not middle age my definition mmm-hmm you know we're
[00:34:03] definitely young guys I'm you dude I fucking you know when you're like half
[00:34:06] asleep half awake you know yeah of course I and you're still kind of like
[00:34:10] dreaming but you know you're like sort of awake I had one of those the other
[00:34:13] day and then the dream someone was like how old you and I like had to think for
[00:34:16] a second I'm like oh 16 and then I was like wait wait wait I'm 19
[00:34:21] and the guy's like okay and then I woke up and I was like fuck I'm 29 yeah yeah
[00:34:27] it sucks that's yeah I've been like aged mentally in 13 years no absolutely not
[00:34:31] I'm stupid as fuck I'm this I'm dumber yeah but we've talked about that yeah I
[00:34:35] can't I don't know man I really do think this might be it man the beginning of
[00:34:41] the damn end yeah that's how come town ends with everyone dying yeah just you
[00:34:46] left alone yeah the way it began mm-hmm Jake Flores and micro scene yeah Blake
[00:34:53] midget there's no way that fucking there's no way that Jake and Blake wouldn't die
[00:34:58] like six months after you it's true that's like if you're like cursed dude
[00:35:01] you're like cars breaking down you're like oh just buy another one and they're
[00:35:04] like oh I could get alone or right I could spend $500 on the same 1887
[00:35:10] maximum just cigarette burns in the fucking seat yeah ripped a knife to the
[00:35:20] fucking like you know it's like sinking that like the top up whole you're going
[00:35:25] like a restaurant like a shitty diner and someone's like taking a knife to the
[00:35:29] sea yeah yeah yeah yeah the booth and they're just like I was doing that I'm
[00:35:33] cutting up booth probably a kid like you as a child I'm gonna take a knife
[00:35:37] someone do a bit about that I don't think who's slashing the boost I don't
[00:35:41] think they did that's all yours buddy yeah I don't know I mean it's like that's
[00:35:45] such like a 50s gang move that's true yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like a 50s
[00:35:49] themed diner and you have to threaten the waiter by slicing I heard used was
[00:35:53] serving Piaas here we don't let that we don't let the thunder horses
[00:35:58] sleep the thunder horses down from 87 Street can never come into the
[00:36:03] diner yeah when when the only thing that like separated gangs with their fucking
[00:36:09] little names they were just all white guys they weren't even they didn't even
[00:36:12] get the race yet yeah a beautiful time in America the 86 Street goofball nobody
[00:36:20] messes with them that's Billy he's the hardest guy in the world his dad just
[00:36:25] got laid off that's what makes him so hard his father suffers from depression
[00:36:33] damn I could have been in a gang that's when I was touched what I would have
[00:36:39] been tough yeah back then with another gangs were very real yeah back in the
[00:36:44] 50s I could have been I feel like everybody has those fantasies like when
[00:36:47] you read about like bank robbers in the 20s oh yeah yeah Mulaney definitely
[00:36:51] is a bit about that so I don't remember that I go into that territory oh no you
[00:36:54] know that bitty does about how easy it used to be Rob a bank back in the day
[00:36:57] oh is he to come in a crime wasn't it yeah he's like a crime you go in a bank
[00:37:02] and you tell everyone your name yeah yeah yeah he also had that other bit
[00:37:10] about like you're bleeding everywhere and it's like the tank comes in it's like
[00:37:15] here's this is the the like the criminals blood is all over it's like oh my god
[00:37:20] no it's not it's clean it up well here's like the victim or whatever and there's
[00:37:24] like his blood hair and semen everywhere and the detective goes gross clean it up
[00:37:28] yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's the punch line yeah thanks for listening to
[00:37:32] come town to stand up comedy recap or repeat bits that comics have done and
[00:37:39] we say who does them so it doesn't count stealing it's attribution baby
[00:37:43] New York Times like recaps like they do like a best of late night and then they
[00:37:46] transcribe things at the late night host really yeah and it's just it's it's
[00:37:51] almost like they're doing it to prove how not funny late night is that I get
[00:37:54] that because when you read those jokes it's a root terrible I mean it's tough
[00:37:59] enough watching them yeah it's like you know it's these fucking bouncing up and
[00:38:03] down and it's like there's this fucking audience yeah fuck my dawn so what should
[00:38:10] I do next man what I do in life yeah I don't know I'm kind of run out of
[00:38:16] things to do think this is a sign that I should just fucking I feel like I feel
[00:38:20] like my life in the last year is like you know in Scarface when the pusher
[00:38:23] the limit montage so it's me at the Porsche dealership yeah yeah yeah yeah
[00:38:29] like fucking a hot girl or whatever like but I'm but that that that you know
[00:38:34] blowing them on yeah of course you know PlayStation VR push it to the limit
[00:38:38] right yeah yeah wait that's you know return you know
[00:38:44] the filing wheel yes 800 dollar stream push it to the limit but I don't but then
[00:38:51] then we're only halfway through the song and there's still plenty of song left
[00:38:54] and I'm just sitting in my apartment because I've run out of shit
[00:38:58] the point of no return I'm just watching the Apple TV screensaver
[00:39:02] totally my time reach the edge but still you gotta learn just looking at my fucking
[00:39:07] Apple watch how to keep it answering a text message about why Adam can't come
[00:39:12] back to the show for six months push it to the limit suck your father's penis
[00:39:18] be reading like the week I gave you a page for corporate sales tax how
[00:39:24] capital gains works yeah just fucking look maybe I'll become a stock poker
[00:39:29] yeah never mind fuck all that shit I ain't learning do do do do do do do do
[00:39:35] learning is okay guys as soon as the podcast ends up fucked good luck
[00:39:42] getting a job if the employer has Google even if it doesn't and I still have
[00:39:49] depression I just wanna kill myself oh yeah dude everything's going fine and I
[00:39:56] want to die I feel like I just need to get over these these little health humps
[00:40:00] you know yeah these lovely health lumps yeah suck my tits actually the doctor
[00:40:05] said it's crazy said if I were the more nudes I receive into my inbox the
[00:40:11] healthier I'll be so I can't believe he said that but yeah I mean I guess you
[00:40:18] guys don't want me to die she listened to what the doctor has to say yeah but he
[00:40:23] also said some other yes you do Apple bottom a day keeps it yeah yeah there's
[00:40:29] Apple bottom jeans put your ass on DMS mm-hmm you know yeah or even if you
[00:40:35] don't yeah you know one of my bonds I seeds came out of the soil it's sprouted
[00:40:41] just fucking worked its way up out of the soil interesting I don't know how that
[00:40:45] happened that's a sign of disrespect dude you gotta fucking make that see the
[00:40:49] fucking not only is it not growing it's unplanted yeah that's how bad I am a
[00:40:57] bonsai yeah you have to make that see an example you have to fuck it in front of
[00:41:01] the other bonds I see yeah you do have to fuck it you have to rip that bonsai
[00:41:05] seed man this is depressing all my friends are dying yeah I'll be off
[00:41:09] probably fine this this round probably won't get me but I'm not going to change
[00:41:13] any of my son of a guy to the doctor for that tumor in your head no no I I did I
[00:41:17] taught I mean the biopsies next week I'll figure it out it's just something that
[00:41:21] has to get removed more than likely like some fucked up growth okay but it's not
[00:41:27] like I mean they have to do a biopsy still it could be cancer yeah it could
[00:41:31] be but it's probably not because cancer would have just eaten through my fucking
[00:41:35] jaw this is just some fucking growth it's pushed it aside and I have to remove it
[00:41:40] and like get a fucking tooth removed that's one of those things where it's like
[00:41:43] they take it out and they're like it's not cancer and then a year later you
[00:41:46] have cancer probably yeah it could be I mean we'll find out you know this cool
[00:41:51] makes you know I was kind of feeling better about it but now yeah now that
[00:41:54] you say it dude you gotta be really sick about it that's I tell I do you
[00:41:59] all of my patience that's right it's a positive that's for idiots right
[00:42:04] right right right be realistic say goodbye to your family that's true you
[00:42:08] know mmm spend time gaming yeah I do have to be a couple games yeah damn I don't
[00:42:14] want I have cancer dude I want to live yeah I want to live at least another 20
[00:42:18] years nobody wants to die there's so much more pussy to be gotten dude yeah
[00:42:22] you know there's so much more titties to suck you know it's funny cuz because
[00:42:27] a lot of people I always thought like who would want to live forever and I think
[00:42:31] honestly I would I think I am that much of a crazy person like you know these
[00:42:35] like these these like tech true I can see you being like a one of those fucked up
[00:42:40] like bodybuilders in the 80s that doesn't look that old that does what that
[00:42:45] that man with the beard from the the spam advertisement no no no there's
[00:42:53] ripped no there's like two different vegan black people that are like that yeah
[00:42:56] you know that old lady she looks kind of good no I mean I having my brain
[00:43:00] removed and put in a robot and then being blasted into space sure that's
[00:43:04] what I want to be you want robot limbs no I just want to be sort of like
[00:43:08] sentient yeah you don't even want the pleasures of humanity actually who am I
[00:43:12] kidding yeah that would be an upgrade for you right if I could just be some sort
[00:43:15] of distant quasar contemplating things how funny it would be if like humanity
[00:43:22] already reached that point and everybody left and but like it was
[00:43:25] humanity so it's just regular people right right right right right scientists
[00:43:28] are looking through a telescope and like they have like a one of those radio
[00:43:32] telescopes or oh that's funny listening like it like a pulsar and it's like
[00:43:40] like isn't that amazing this is coming from millions of miles away but it's
[00:43:43] really just an ancient mind and it's out there just like that's all just slurs
[00:43:48] yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
[00:43:50] there's just some racist guy yeah they wait what about this the ancient
[00:43:54] Egyptians they blasted the fuck off yeah they're smarter than us do is that
[00:43:57] true I think so dude yeah they're in space now we should get into conspiracy
[00:44:02] theories I would love that we should get into where's Atlanta should get into
[00:44:05] alternate realities where you don't have cancer oh fuck yeah just to have
[00:44:08] gas-dicked I'll join I'll join you in that delusion where we're capable of
[00:44:12] living forever we could just we could we could capture our voices in our minds
[00:44:17] and go into the zoom recorder I don't want to leave this leave this bullshit
[00:44:21] play I don't care you're coming with me oh man I'm bringing almost like I
[00:44:24] bring my podcast friends oh Ian we're gonna share a zoom recorder and live in
[00:44:32] space this question Ian's father yeah we're looking for heaven we're trying to
[00:44:40] find my dad that sounds horrible dude I love the pleasures of the body yeah I
[00:44:46] love eating I love gluttony I love having sex I love sucking on butt cheeks I
[00:44:51] don't I feel like the body is a prison not the body I love the body I hate mine
[00:44:56] but I love the body mmm cute I don't want to live in the world where I don't
[00:45:00] suck titties I'm a fucking I'm a pulse I'm in a I'm in a little fucking digital
[00:45:04] card I'm a gigabyte no thanks man I want to be a tomagotchi if I can fuck one of
[00:45:10] the tomagotchies if I if it gets the point you just shove it in your ass and
[00:45:14] use it like a yoni I would look no I want to be a digital version of a
[00:45:21] tomagotch that's got to be you know like sharding is already pretty embarrassing
[00:45:24] but like what's the version of sharding where you're trying to kegel and the
[00:45:28] bus I just I just carded you what I cried tried to kegel and I shit all over my
[00:45:37] pants just butt plugs are coming out of your fucking pants pot your pants
[00:45:42] sleeve if I had no shame whatsoever I would go to all the free yogas in New
[00:45:47] York City and shit myself that would be awesome just in white fucking joggers
[00:45:52] yeah hi I'm jackass and this is shitting yourself at free yoga no joke that's a
[00:45:58] good jackass it would be a good jackass I can't believe they didn't do that
[00:46:01] actually yeah but you're also an old guy you can see your old I guess you call
[00:46:04] up my close personal friend Johnny Knoxville and let him know you guys boys
[00:46:08] yeah when you guys meet I would be daven't oh I was hoping maybe that
[00:46:13] would slide by it's inconceivable you would be friends of giant oxwell
[00:46:17] steve was out there steve was doing clubs that's true stapling is nuts to the
[00:46:21] fucking to his thighs maybe I'll befriend steve and I'll pitch him my idea of
[00:46:25] shitting yourself at yoga yeah he just deals it he would dude
[00:46:32] steve was got no fucking thing that's me writing for jackass nice that would be
[00:46:38] a great job it really truly would be dude yeah oh my god all right so we men
[00:46:44] has to fight a bunch of other midges yeah we shove we men in a woman's pussy
[00:46:49] and make her get birth to her baby Tuesdays can I have to check now can I
[00:46:56] get paid please go home fuck they did a couple that was just like putting
[00:47:03] different kinds of dildos in their asses yeah things in their asses huh
[00:47:07] they put a firework innocent steve was asked they put a gold dildo I think
[00:47:12] Bam just put a dildo in his ass yeah that's pretty good so no ass stuff the
[00:47:19] car of course Ryan done yeah putting a car in his ass I've seen jackass I'm
[00:47:24] familiar with all this stuff you're not well I'm trying to figure out what else
[00:47:28] could we do what else could jackass do yes resorting jobs right who how about
[00:47:33] if one of them is uncircumcised you put a couple of slices of ham yeah under
[00:47:37] their force I like that show like what would you do that's like woke jackass
[00:47:41] really there's what there is a yeah some like NBC prime time together hosted is
[00:47:46] like some fake race oh that guy who looks like an Indian but he's just
[00:47:51] Latino yeah like Jeffrey keen water yeah that guy mm-hmm they're like we and I'm
[00:47:59] sure I've talked about this on the show well yeah it's always like we sent a
[00:48:04] racist into a restaurant to not tip his black waitress but what would happen
[00:48:10] if he was also retarded and then they just like record strangers being like
[00:48:16] should we confront this retarded man that's good man yeah that's actually
[00:48:24] good that sounds like a good show a lot this is and this is I know gets in a
[00:48:27] conspiracy theory territory but I truly believe yes that the Trayvon Martin
[00:48:34] incident was a botched episode I think interesting the camera crew was there
[00:48:42] set up George Zimmerman interest to see what he would do and they just were not
[00:48:49] prepared like it the shit we gotta go we got to get out of here you don't know
[00:48:54] us George you've never seen us yeah we sent subway Jared look alike into
[00:49:00] subway to have sex with a child everyone to see what they would do don't worry
[00:49:09] it's a fake it's a prosthetic penis I'm using to fuck this child we set up a
[00:49:13] dogfight in the middle of a black church
[00:49:17] that brought a white Christian field trip in there and told them they were
[00:49:23] gonna go see black panther that's good what would you do hires jackass we
[00:49:35] sent a racist to put a race car in his ass we sent a miss you to staple his
[00:49:46] ball to the bulletin board at the community center but get this he sharp
[00:49:53] be the inward on the ball we had a waiter with Down syndrome and then we
[00:50:02] had a rodeo clown not tip him but what would happen if he tipped him with candy
[00:50:09] coming up next what would you do MTV to MTV to use what would you do that's a
[00:50:15] good show man I'm in there I'm in that show I'll fuck with it I'm just it's
[00:50:22] hard for me to podcast cuz I'm where I'm gonna die now yeah I know dude I'm in a
[00:50:25] bad mood to I don't want my friends to die my dad not because I'll miss them or
[00:50:29] I feel bad for them but because it's a reminder of my own more
[00:50:34] oh man thanks that means a lot that's the only way to process other people's
[00:50:39] deaths by remembering you're also going to die yeah you make it about you yeah
[00:50:44] it does feel like you probably will survive because you deserve at the least
[00:50:47] you know that's true you have the least love in your heart so yeah it's
[00:50:54] so I'm insecure about it about having no emotion yeah it does suck when you
[00:51:01] realize like oh yeah I am just sort of an angry robot you could go to therapy
[00:51:06] man I keep pictures to you now go out and I see people like being friends with
[00:51:10] each other and listening to each other while they're speaking it's rough man
[00:51:15] I'll be honest like I wish I was one of those guys but then I'll start talking
[00:51:20] to somebody they're like oh and then we were supposed to go to the laundromat
[00:51:23] but it was already closed but it was three o'clock and I'm like I'm mad of
[00:51:26] here right right right no that is true the truth the trick is finding some of
[00:51:31] that doesn't have little dick ass bitch ass stories I guess I just want to
[00:51:34] trick people into thinking that I have empathy yeah that's all you'll get
[00:51:40] there dude you'll find the program to do it I believe when you did yeah maybe I
[00:51:46] should just move the Los Angeles for everyone's like me that's true yeah yeah
[00:51:50] yeah maybe that's why you hated so much right you saw what you really were I
[00:51:54] mean that's partially true I like I would talk to my land lady and like we
[00:51:59] would just both be waiting for our turn to speak like man everyone here sucks
[00:52:04] because they're just me but they're also sexier than me that's not true I was
[00:52:10] sexier than her were you but in LA you want to compare I don't think LA is a
[00:52:15] particularly hot place I know people are so excited wild take now I wouldn't say
[00:52:20] so you wouldn't fuck the average person in LA no really yeah I mean it's a huge
[00:52:26] city I think it's true I think Manhattan has probably less attractive women you're
[00:52:31] probably right about that yeah you walk around cuz there's those women that
[00:52:35] were in like $900 velcro shoes with no brand name on them oh yeah you know
[00:52:39] those I do know those they yeah they dress like you they look like fake clothes
[00:52:44] yeah yeah yeah yeah and all those clothes cost but all the leather is like from a
[00:52:49] fucking like a very rare type of baby cow or some shit yeah and it costs so
[00:52:53] much fucking money yeah and it's soft as shit that's thing that shitty clothes
[00:52:57] you do a retarded person walked into subway wearing those clothes would you
[00:53:02] steal the clothes from it I'm Abuelita quinoa you're watching them what would
[00:53:08] you do no why would that even be a thing we would do look sorry this shows been
[00:53:15] on for nine years yeah you're right this sort of fucked up because like look
[00:53:23] man you're just a denny's mmm try have a nice time you gotta like to catch a
[00:53:27] predator they run out of like they finally catch all the pedophiles and
[00:53:31] they're like they just get into like you know we pretended to be a woman that
[00:53:36] was 45 pounds lighter than she is on the internet to lure men in here then the
[00:53:42] guys show up and then it's like we sent out the real world
[00:53:49] hey the guys like oh and they just tackle a bunch of fat bitch back on the way out
[00:53:56] it's so beautiful to catch a guy living in 2007 and said to catch a guy who didn't
[00:54:07] get the memo man fuck dude geez yeah I just keep now but it's cool I have a
[00:54:16] good-ass funeral you know I'm saying yeah dude at White Castle it'll be so much
[00:54:20] sadder little sliders for everybody yeah cuz a fat guy I'll die soon yeah
[00:54:24] in case now I want everyone to have all you can eat Korean barbecue my funeral
[00:54:28] man pass the bulgogi past the dumplings around yeah I would suck if you died
[00:54:33] dude no I've probably before like you know Bobby Kelly oh my god that would be
[00:54:38] brutal I'd be so mad dying I'd have to kill Bobby on the way out I'd be like
[00:54:43] Bobbi I have to speak to you yeah you're my mentor and I love you and then I
[00:54:47] just shoot him with a gun yeah I can't die before Bobby right she would suck
[00:54:51] dude but I'm not going to I'm gonna live forever I'm gonna shake this shit off
[00:54:56] and you know it's weird that people die I've had a couple of friends die yeah
[00:55:01] because the thing is you just you don't forget but it's like just she keeps
[00:55:05] moving yeah it's like oh yeah it's like yeah they don't even fucking exist
[00:55:09] anymore give the fuck yeah you know maybe you remember once I want your saddest
[00:55:13] shit yeah but it's also like the world that they lived in is gone like my
[00:55:16] aunt I was really young and it was so sad but like my life would be so much
[00:55:20] like I just never really existed in a world where she like shaped my life after
[00:55:25] I was like seven so you're just like yeah that sucks dick that she wasn't
[00:55:28] around but you know whatever yeah like that tooth will never come back now
[00:55:33] I'm gonna have a better hair will never come back I'm gonna have a gold tooth
[00:55:36] I'm gonna get a two-pane once I get the tooth in once I get the tooth implants
[00:55:41] dude I'm not stopping there yeah I'm getting fucking pecking plants I'm getting
[00:55:45] bicep implants I'm getting eight ball bicep I hate my bicep dude but it's but
[00:55:52] it's a magic eight ball so I shake it and it's like should you suck my dick and
[00:55:55] guess what the answer is always yes I have I had some of that liquid latex
[00:55:59] left over and I was very tempted to give myself epicantic folds just
[00:56:06] for me I wouldn't post it yeah oh definitely not yeah yeah you character
[00:56:12] I'm working on the next come down live podcast yeah it's me foreskin
[00:56:25] fuck man I don't know I don't know so yeah I was just basically gone to the
[00:56:30] doctor gambling on chopped that's all I've really done the last couple game one
[00:56:34] chopped you say who's gonna win he's gonna win yeah it's fun little action
[00:56:38] getting back into gambling up starting to sports gamble again yeah you know but
[00:56:44] any eating like shit again I'm not doing drugs at least but I feel like I might
[00:56:48] start again I miss the sweet sweet sweet baby race I miss that sweet baby
[00:56:54] rhymes just guzzling it dude just go go go go go go go go I might get some fun
[00:57:00] I'm gonna get a fucked up meal tonight yeah you want to come with me to stand
[00:57:03] not bro I'm already my home I'm in my sweats yeah I mean I'm getting a cab
[00:57:08] down there I'm gonna order some you know I'm saying yeah I am in the throws of
[00:57:12] depression but I'll be out of it what are you doing tomorrow can I come up
[00:57:16] here and do that that that male post office you didn't like doing tomorrow I
[00:57:20] finally got all those fucking labels from the post office I was gonna take the
[00:57:24] shirts with me right now but it's like I don't want to fucking have them sitting
[00:57:27] out at the stand I feel like I have some this is kind of bullshit we should be
[00:57:30] figuring out off the show yeah yeah no sorry we got a hot riff in us right now
[00:57:36] I feel it dude I know dude I'm fired up fired up I'm ready to get my bodega
[00:57:41] coffee you got I almost bought the beef jerky there but they only had one of
[00:57:44] them and it was on the floor bad sign yeah no that place is fucked up yeah one
[00:57:49] time there was a like a like seven people just like strung out waiting that's
[00:57:55] what has happened there was like a whole crew with a pit bull really some girl
[00:57:59] out front and this I guess like one of those I could write white girls and she's
[00:58:03] saying like she's like no I'm telling you I don't say drugs okay I'm out here
[00:58:08] living on the streets I got a kid and oh you're just trying to cram all that
[00:58:12] shit in while I'm walking Pat of course you're doing a character of course
[00:58:16] there's no way that there's no way that those thoughts all combined into one
[00:58:20] now she's trying to scare another white person yeah you know to show that she's
[00:58:24] a bad I already told you I don't sell drugs I'm out here living on the streets
[00:58:26] I got a kid yeah what what was the prompt bro hey do you got any weed I don't
[00:58:33] sell drugs yeah I'm out here living on the streets I got a kid okay you could
[00:58:37] have just said no yeah yeah yeah you know mm-hmm bitch I can suck it and then you
[00:58:43] fucking backhand yeah you got to be respectful but there were people waiting
[00:58:47] there one time and they look strung out of shit and they're like do you and one
[00:58:51] one guy walked up to the register was like are there any cigarettes here yet
[00:58:56] and the guy was like nope and just behind him was yeah every cigarette like
[00:59:02] cigarettes was clearly a fucking code word for something dude yeah yeah it's
[00:59:07] just they're they're fucked up over there it was just weird because every
[00:59:10] bodega sells drugs like my bodega they sell drugs but the guys are like you
[00:59:15] think they do they're like a dad Alex do we have any I am no so diesel a hush
[00:59:19] them and could have that you can hear like a 47 shut up come on ahead I'm
[00:59:26] not your guys are good though they're friendly and nice right my guys I don't
[00:59:31] trust them dude yeah blue eyed Arabs I don't trust yeah dude they say the
[00:59:35] you many guy that that just fucking flagrantly uses the N word he rules
[00:59:39] constantly referring to self is the N word black guys come in he's fucking
[00:59:43] immediately calling them the word get out the money like that but like yeah I
[00:59:49] know and nobody questions because he's cool dude he's laid back he's
[00:59:53] chilled out and try one you could for sure good in your neighborhood looking
[00:59:59] like you do we your general energy I just I fucking hate all this there's the
[01:00:07] guys that look like me to go in there and did her like and you have a good day
[01:00:11] to yeah yeah those guys are the world absolutely brother yeah yeah yeah yeah
[01:00:16] we did fuck well let's look at the current events you know I'll go to
[01:00:23] efflux out the show with our on e fuck I guess Trump called for gun control
[01:00:28] oh that was hilarious yeah this one's called that's got a fucking hurt and it
[01:00:38] looks like some big deal do or something is going into someone's pussy anyway
[01:00:42] that's the effucked that's the news I got a fucking like pimple forming in my
[01:00:50] ear canal damn dude how fucking annoying that is so worst that's almost as bad as
[01:00:55] having your tooth ripped out of your skull having someone take pliers and
[01:01:00] fucking looking up at a man then the world is suck can you imagine how like I
[01:01:05] think about like you know yeah it would have been like shitty delivering like
[01:01:08] the 1800s and get your like hands sucked into a machine and you just die in a
[01:01:12] factory for a penny a day yeah but like what also would have sucked is like
[01:01:16] being my age in like 1994 right right yeah yeah beat off the baywatch oh my
[01:01:24] god yeah that's why that's why I was so popular was poor it was poor you could
[01:01:27] see nipples because you could jack off the David Hasselhoff's beautiful fucking
[01:01:32] he's a Maryland boy is he I think so yeah damn dude yeah used to be off to
[01:01:40] that you still have to like I don't know just show up make plans with someone
[01:01:46] a day back off that's good yeah David Jack Jack me on Trump's son's lawmakers
[01:01:52] with calls for gun control he rules actually yeah well I was saying the other
[01:01:56] day it's like you know him saying that he would go into that and it's awesome
[01:02:00] and it's it's perfect and I don't know if I said this on the show no he's it's
[01:02:04] like he's because they say take say like you know I mean if it were me I would
[01:02:10] have gone in there no weapon you know yeah he would have out of what they would
[01:02:15] have done but it was really because I think he starts off by saying like you
[01:02:19] know you can't say what you would do in that situation but I would have gone
[01:02:22] in yeah yeah so he acknowledges that you can't do that you he can he's got the
[01:02:31] best rhetorical strategy yeah right he would always he always he admits that
[01:02:36] like what he's saying is like I know in the general this is not a statement
[01:02:42] that you can make but there's an exception for me but regardless of that
[01:02:45] what makes it so great is like he's what he's saying is so disrespectful to the
[01:02:51] police officers that respond I know I know and it's like that's what people
[01:02:56] have been waiting for is for a president to say fuck the police I know and he just
[01:03:00] did it and he did it and he did it in a way that pisses off everybody it's
[01:03:04] awesome and that's how you that's fucking punk rock that's trolling honestly that's
[01:03:08] good as trolling he's the best president's ever did I mean if you can't see that
[01:03:13] there's something fucking mentally wrong with you know you're not an
[01:03:16] intellectual genius like no a brain genius with a big heart penis penis
[01:03:21] somebody sent me a shirt that says tiny dick big heart that's good it's great
[01:03:25] they sent you one to what really said in my drawer yeah I got an ex I can't wait
[01:03:29] yeah that's my shirt I don't know that really that does describe I forgot about
[01:03:33] it damn yeah I mean it's not tiny it's just I would describe it as any we lose
[01:03:39] even a fucking you know even a cent a millimeter we're it's small but right
[01:03:43] now we're just not small I think is he just barely not small just barely
[01:03:48] use that hanger I got you I still have yet to use it all right well don't throw
[01:03:52] it out I'm not it's still you got to use it at least once I definitely will the
[01:03:56] cock pump will get you you need me to buy you some lead weights to hang on there
[01:03:59] too that would be nice because I don't know I don't really know how you would
[01:04:02] so I stretch my cock with it or it's it strengthens my cock I'm lifting weights
[01:04:07] with my cock no it stretches it out it's basically my soft cock in there and it
[01:04:11] strikes yeah it clamps down in your dick and then it it it hangs there and
[01:04:15] then I'm assuming it works like attraction device would where over time
[01:04:21] you just stretch out the dick tissues okay now I don't know what amount of
[01:04:26] weight would be too much to stimulate yeah cuz you got to hit like a you know
[01:04:32] you try like cock off right exactly like if you're trying to like gauge out
[01:04:35] your ears you got to like slowly go up they do a thing called scalpling I think
[01:04:40] where they'll let you they'll just cut a thing in there and you can get started
[01:04:43] with an even bigger hole but oh just yeah you like there's a method to stretching
[01:04:47] out tissue now I don't know if it even would make your hard day bigger it'll
[01:04:52] probably make you your dick limp permanently forever I don't know I don't
[01:04:56] know that I can afford that that's another thing I can't afford any size
[01:05:01] little punk rock earlobe dick that would be kind of nice yeah I'm gonna use it
[01:05:06] on my foreskin is what I'm gonna do yeah stretch out my foreskin that is the
[01:05:09] thing then we're in business you can do that there are people that do like to
[01:05:12] stretch out their foreskin now see that picture that guy that's got he's got
[01:05:16] like some kind of thing over his dick and balls and he's hanging upside down
[01:05:19] from his dick like a bat no but that rocks I want to see that shit I'm
[01:05:23] putting Google that shit right now shit rules anyways we're done with the show
[01:05:26] so guys come to if you're in Philly come fucking see me on March 17th at the
[01:05:34] good good motherfucking comedy theater and then yeah come to funny moms on the
[01:05:40] 12th we're gonna start saying it now because last the last one sucked it yeah
[01:05:45] and make sure to tweet it Adam and tell him to tweet the flyer up for the show
[01:05:51] mm-hmm yeah he took to do a power move on me he didn't tweet it out last yes
[01:05:56] that's right and only five people showed up the art of fucking manipulation and
[01:06:00] I'm also want to show it to stand on Tuesday the 6th at eight if you want to
[01:06:05] come out to that yeah I'm like I don't know some fucking shit in Boston on March
[01:06:11] 27th I posted on Instagram if you want to come yeah go see Nick if you're in
[01:06:14] Boston that's a great show to you have fun yeah I'm excited I've been riding
[01:06:17] more me to do we actually that's the one thing we have actually gotten better
[01:06:21] stand up and we're gonna kill ourselves yeah we're bored to press which actually
[01:06:25] makes sense I'm back in the stand up now I've rediscovered my my first love the
[01:06:29] only thing I ever cared about really it's true that it is the only thing I
[01:06:32] actually had destroyed my life I know you you were good you're great at Twitter
[01:06:36] though no Twitter run it's funny I logged into that NYC Guido voice accounts
[01:06:41] just to tweet out that Italian shirt and as soon as I tweeted out people are
[01:06:44] like fucking sell out like shame this used to be a funny account suck my
[01:06:54] digby fucking people what kind of fucking cynical shit hole is Twitter now it's
[01:07:00] just like it's you know cuz I don't use it yeah yeah and it's it's like a room
[01:07:04] filled with you know that I don't go in and I just I'm like oh what's in here
[01:07:08] and I just people like fuck you this is I because politically yeah I don't you
[01:07:13] know you don't because it's literal human garbage yeah right side it just
[01:07:19] screaming at each other it sucks I just throw jokes in there yeah I said baby
[01:07:23] yeah I just talk about Instagram's where it's at dude I do fuck with a
[01:07:27] gram stop you baby to baby Instagram and if you if you can't do Instagram and
[01:07:30] you prefer Twitter you're a fucking loser mmm tell him Nick you're a fucking
[01:07:34] loser don't hold back all these fucking hoes I'm not I'm not call him bitches we
[01:07:39] sent a retarded guy to use Twitter what would you do and he just told all those
[01:07:44] friends about it and now that's basically what Twitter is yes we sent a
[01:07:50] retarded guy to work at vice media and cover politics and he just started
[01:07:56] raping all the girls we sent a retarded girl to vice to cover politics and now
[01:08:02] he's pitching a TV show what would you do we can't not give her development
[01:08:15] the fucking cameras are here it's clearly a show we can't say the camera is also
[01:08:21] retarded every time he uses sexism if we don't buy her show where she just eats
[01:08:25] candy for socialism she just eats Karl Marx candy Carol Mel Marx Karl
[01:08:36] Mars bars oh there's so many fucking options yeah there's a lot there the
[01:08:42] communist manic man it money Krista money Kristo to go sandwich sandwich
[01:08:50] yeah I can't give a kitty money Krista with candy in it and that's a riff folks