Cum Town | Premium | 09/17/2016
[00:00:33] This is going to be the first bonus episode.
[00:00:37] I was going to do people are paying their hard-earned money for this.
[00:00:44] You're in this is like behind the actors studio.
[00:00:57] So we're going to play old episodes and then comment on them.
[00:01:01] We're going to play old episodes in their entirety and then me and you are going to comment.
[00:01:10] And two of them are the same people twice.
[00:01:17] It's actually the Latin word for less than worse.
[00:01:30] And as we know, men are the, you know, the rapist sex of the two.
[00:01:38] You know what I was thinking about and you'll disagree with this.
[00:01:45] Well, I feel like if there really was like a huge conspiracy to keep women down because
[00:01:50] sometimes it seems like that like that's the criticism, not that things are just better
[00:01:54] for men, but there's like a active collusion.
[00:01:57] Like why wouldn't we just imprison and rape all of them?
[00:02:04] Like if we really wanted to have a patriarchy, we could, we could make that happen pretty
[00:02:10] Wait, that's the evidence that you have is that they're not prison to be raped.
[00:02:17] Well, first of all, in a lot of places in the world, they are imprisoned.
[00:02:21] So, so yeah, you know, you're wrong there.
[00:02:35] But this is a kind of this is kind of good shit you're going to get out of the fucking
[00:02:38] I don't have to worry about some dumb bitch listening to this.
[00:02:48] They also cost more for them to make up for how much I had to pay to get into the cinderblock
[00:02:54] Oh, that's the old women's comedy festival.
[00:02:56] Yeah, it was the more they make white men pay more.
[00:02:58] Wait, I thought that it was just women.
[00:03:05] You know, it's they let white men do it, but they're trying to have like a diverse showcase.
[00:03:13] It's white men had to pay more to submit.
[00:03:16] Like all these women were like, fuck yeah, like making them pay more.
[00:03:20] And it's like, well, you're still paying.
[00:03:23] I think we talked about it probably on the I don't know.
[00:03:28] So if you don't know, there's this festival.
[00:03:29] And I'm glad I can talk shit about it because none of them will pay for the bonus content.
[00:03:38] The Anthony Kumiya studios guys like approached me for real about putting come town on the
[00:03:45] Well, only if they get off the space at the top of the app.
[00:03:53] The real Anthony Kumiya studio with the Puerto Rican rattlesnake as your producer.
[00:03:58] But yeah, so these girls started a comedy festival called the Cinderblock Comedy Festival.
[00:04:07] And they were taking submissions, which is already fucked up.
[00:04:10] Like it's fucked up to charge comedians to to perform.
[00:04:15] Comedy festivals in general are racking.
[00:04:16] Yeah, it's this broken business model that they all started fucking doing.
[00:04:21] And then every new festival that pops up, they justify charging comedians to submit by
[00:04:25] saying like, well, you know, look who did it prior?
[00:04:28] Like Bridgestown makes probably like $50,000 a year off submissions alone.
[00:04:38] And then it's like, Oh, well, we break even.
[00:04:40] It's like, how do you break even by, you know, paying yourselves to do the work for the
[00:04:46] And then they start our $50,000 dollar.
[00:04:48] There's no, there's no way to justify it.
[00:04:50] Like, you know, you couldn't, if you opened a restaurant, you could not pay any of your
[00:04:54] employees and then say like, whoa, we still just broke even.
[00:04:58] It's like, no, you're, that's a shitty business.
[00:05:03] Nick, you go there and be like Nick Mullen, New York City comedy.
[00:05:12] So these hoos, they started their own festival, see?
[00:05:18] And yeah, they started their own festival.
[00:05:22] And then to like, you know, as a fuck you to the wage gap, they were charging white men
[00:05:27] $25 to submit and women only 19 something, whatever is 73% of 25 is.
[00:05:36] Oh, but you're still just charging women.
[00:05:40] So you have like a fucking diversity festival and then you set it up.
[00:05:44] So like, hey, we're going to discourage white men from applying.
[00:05:47] So we're only going to be exploiting women and minorities.
[00:05:52] It's like, and if you tried to argue with them about it, they would be like, whoa, white
[00:05:56] And then they post that fucking, you know, all their white male tears means.
[00:06:09] But Lewis got into it with them over that thing.
[00:06:15] And then so Lewis just started his own festival where he didn't charge anyone to submit it.
[00:06:20] And he like put together in like two months and paid all the comedians just to prove that
[00:06:26] Because they were like, it's impossible.
[00:06:28] How are we supposed to, you know, like put all this together?
[00:06:32] It's like, okay, well, comedy costs money.
[00:06:35] You can't find a web designer to make your website for free for exposure.
[00:06:42] So yeah, they took all this fucking money.
[00:06:45] And I guess that festival's happening in like two weeks.
[00:06:50] Yeah, we'll see if it's a complete failure.
[00:06:53] Well, I'm going to be outside protesting.
[00:06:59] I'm going to do rape even twice as much as I normally do to make up for it.
[00:07:04] Guys, we have maybe a slight technical issue.
[00:07:07] I can't remember whether I fucking erased the last show off the SD card or not.
[00:07:13] No, we're recording, but it might just cut off at any minute.
[00:07:18] We don't have staff here, so we don't have to worry about it.
[00:07:20] Because his laughs require more memory.
[00:07:23] Yeah, well, he's so fat that he takes up more space on the SD card.
[00:07:29] A lot of people don't know that about fat people, but any kind of technology that is
[00:07:33] like they need heavy duty keyboards because they're fucking huge fingers.
[00:07:37] They need bigger hard drives for their computers.
[00:07:45] He can't help himself, but he'd eat at the fucking computer.
[00:07:48] And it'll be weird to see if we can fill an hour without Stav just calling someone gay
[00:07:53] bitch and then laughing for five minutes.
[00:07:56] Really, I think that's about 35% of our time as it stands.
[00:08:00] I want to take an episode and just edit it down to Stav's laughter.
[00:08:15] I think it's like makes the show a lot better.
[00:08:26] People have accused me of being retarded or artificial.
[00:08:30] I watched, speaking of Inside the Actor's Studio, Dave Chappelle said he never laughs.
[00:08:46] I did, I had a callback for a commercial audition this week.
[00:08:51] And so, you know, you go to a commercial callback and everyone looks like you.
[00:08:58] And you have the same look as somebody.
[00:09:01] And guess who I saw at the callback for the role that I was going, which was just like
[00:09:08] So the same role as me, Aaron, the UCB rapist.
[00:09:22] I was like probably better than it is for you.
[00:09:32] He mentioned some legal stuff that's going on.
[00:09:34] And I don't know if I can probably show.
[00:09:38] So people know that he's like, I guess, suing me.
[00:09:55] That's the best thing about Johnny Cochrane.
[00:09:59] So he got people off because he's like, cool.
[00:10:10] If the pussy ain't tall up, then my man, you can't stow up.
[00:10:19] It is called the Johnny Cochrane, aka the whoever smelted, delted principle of jurisprudence.
[00:10:26] I think they teach that class in law schools.
[00:10:33] And if the glove don't fit, you must acquit.
[00:10:35] But yeah, no, I saw Aaron the rapist there.
[00:10:41] I thought I was booked to do Star Wars related stand-up.
[00:10:58] I can imagine how you're feeling right now.
[00:11:09] No, it's for some fucking guy's birthday party.
[00:11:12] Anyhow, somebody messages me and they say...
[00:11:15] And they're like, and it's somebody I trust.
[00:11:16] They're like, we need somebody to do 15 minutes of Star Wars material at Anna Winter's birthday
[00:11:25] For a lot of come boys, you probably don't know who that is.
[00:11:29] She's the mean bitch from Devil Wears Prada.
[00:11:33] So that character is entirely based on Anna Winter.
[00:11:45] The guy who hit me up, he was like, I just heard you mentioned Star Wars on your podcast.
[00:11:54] Yeah, I said something about that new one, the Chinese...
[00:12:03] Well, I was trying to riff stuff out and I started doing a Black comic talking about C3PO.
[00:12:11] Which that might even be too racist for bonus content, but that's...
[00:12:20] I mean, I was personally raised as a kid on Comic View in Def Con, yeah.
[00:12:26] That was the first stand up I was into.
[00:12:27] That's the thing you're kind of spoiled by in DC is there's so many good, like, Black
[00:12:36] We used to, like, come into contact with, like, the urban scene all the time in DC.
[00:12:44] They're the funniest fucking people in the world.
[00:12:51] Dude, that fucking Lawrence Owens bit about the glasses.
[00:12:57] I can't be no thug because I got an astigmatism.
[00:13:00] He can't be no thug with no big ass glasses and then he's just crossing his eyes.
[00:13:06] And he's like, where's the M word I'm supposed to murder?
[00:13:08] And he's like getting up close to the mic stand and staring at it with his eyes.
[00:13:22] Yeah, you know what I think the best act outs and shit, Lawrence was always hilarious.
[00:13:26] Well, that's the thing is, like, I feel like in urban comedy, people are...
[00:13:34] You're like white boy comic book comedy that, like, we're, you know, that we come into contact
[00:13:41] You just stand there, you hold the mic stand.
[00:13:47] In urban comedy, not only like, first of all, if your suit has less than nine buttons on
[00:13:55] Do you imagine if you brought your notes on stage?
[00:13:57] No, how fucking unprofessional that is.
[00:14:00] I want to blend both the worlds and get, like, a purple American apparel hoodie that's way
[00:14:08] I'm going to be the black hipster comedian.
[00:14:22] Let me get a motherfucking, what does Batman say?
[00:14:30] Yeah, that'd be a great, great character.
[00:14:32] Like the urban comic that's trying to rejuvenate his career.
[00:14:43] Pizza for breakfast, what is adulthood?
[00:15:11] All right, so I got a cold from like a group sex experience.
[00:15:19] My immune system is literally too Jewish to like there's too many orifices.
[00:15:26] Every time any kind of thing is like oh I hurt my dick fucking nine people at once.
[00:15:33] Yeah, I mean I guess it's a humble brag.
[00:15:40] You know, a dream of mine my entire life is you know two girls fooling around.
[00:15:54] Um, please don't look up what you're off this space.
[00:16:02] It was one of the girls Brandon Mordell.
[00:16:08] But it was uh, it was just too much anxiety.
[00:16:12] I felt like if I was paying too much attention to one person, I wouldn't.
[00:16:20] And there's one that I was clearly more attracted to than the other.
[00:16:22] And I didn't want the other one to know that I was more attracted to the one.
[00:16:26] So then I'd like if I was paying too much attention I'd have to go back and forth the
[00:16:30] Yeah, that's the thing that you have to worry about in a situation like if you're dating
[00:16:34] somebody and they're like oh we should bring someone in.
[00:16:45] It's just you're going to get yourself in trouble no matter what you do.
[00:16:50] There's no way it's not going to turn out to be a problem.
[00:17:02] It's like the same thing like when you make a decision about which restaurant you want
[00:17:07] to go to and then it's my fault that they don't have the shit you want on the menu.
[00:17:11] It's like that it's entirely that situation.
[00:17:16] I feel like on the podcast I tend to say things like that more than you and Stav because
[00:17:35] I was like, I love when people like I literally talked about getting ganked by a sex slave
[00:17:42] People give like feedback about the show and sometimes they say I can't tell who's who.
[00:17:48] Yeah, and I'll be like, oh, Stav's the fat one.
[00:18:01] That's the best part about having a fat friend is you get to make fun of.
[00:18:05] You know, that's why you should make fun of him for being fat.
[00:18:15] But he gives you know, it's a give and take.
[00:18:21] We were a little bit worried that it would be kind of the struggle to fill.
[00:18:28] So we have we have leftover blow from last weekend, which I just wouldn't say outright
[00:18:35] if this were a regular episode, but it's a bonus episode.
[00:18:38] Yeah, can we get to the police like find out about this?
[00:18:41] No, dude, they're not allowed to donate to things.
[00:18:43] If we talk about number one rule of police work is you're never allowed to donate to
[00:18:54] So I guess we had leftover drugs from from a couple of weeks ago and I brought it.
[00:19:02] I said, maybe we could do it on the podcast.
[00:19:05] My inspiration was this the only known recording session of John Lennon and Paul McCartney
[00:19:16] Wait, what do you mean the only known recorded?
[00:19:20] Sorry, post Beatles was in I think 1974.
[00:19:24] They recorded an album called a toot and a snore toot and a laugh a toot and something
[00:19:30] and it was them basically John Lennon moved to L.A. broke up with Yoko got a different
[00:19:35] Chinese girlfriend got addicted to Coke only wore white and Paul McCartney came out and
[00:19:42] It was them Stevie Wonder and Harry Nilsen and you can actively hear them doing cocaine
[00:19:50] There's like a part where John Lennon offers Stevie Wonder Coke.
[00:19:53] So it's like they invented like the weed toke on the track.
[00:20:01] Every time we rip huge bingers, smoke huge splits on the pod.
[00:20:08] But yeah, there's a part where he's like, Stevie, you want to toot?
[00:20:17] Oh, and the music by the way is terrible.
[00:20:24] Just like this podcast is about to be right.
[00:20:26] But you know that what's the like I don't know if it's like a doors.
[00:20:30] I don't know that much about the doors, but there's like something that's not on a doors
[00:20:34] album and it's just Jim Morrison yelling, you got a fucker in the ass.
[00:20:50] I mean, the doors music is already so fucking stupid to begin with.
[00:20:58] It was like three photographs of the first is like this is a drawing made by Jim Morrison
[00:21:04] when he was like in middle school or something.
[00:21:08] And then it's a picture of the drawing.
[00:21:09] And then there's a quote on the drawing.
[00:21:11] Oh man, I should have like had it prepared what it was, but it is so funny.
[00:21:20] Yeah, no, that's not the way to do that.
[00:21:29] It's a picture of like a scary monster band with a spear and then the sentences, it only
[00:21:37] He could have been like a hot topic buyer.
[00:21:39] Oh, yeah, he would have been so hot topic if he was like, boy, he could have worked at
[00:21:45] I used to live with a guy that did that.
[00:21:48] He worked his way up from Hot Topic, just regular retail employee.
[00:21:53] And he was so hot topic that they moved them to Los Angeles and made him like a buyer for
[00:21:58] And when I met this guy, he had the best style in the world because he would dress like
[00:22:08] Yeah, from waist down, it was like Kirkland brand jeans and then like store brand hiking
[00:22:14] And then you know, waist up, he would have like a vest, like a purple vest with a green
[00:22:29] So that was like a full time is in the afternoon.
[00:22:44] So we're going to take a break and then we'll be back and you know what we're doing.
[00:22:54] So you got Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, Barry Bonds, and those are just three of the baseball
[00:23:08] players that I can name and succession.
[00:23:20] Any, any, any really nothing's changed.
[00:23:28] Yeah, we thought it'd be funny to like riff it out and then I started with a thing and
[00:23:33] Adam, Adam just did Yes Weld me instead of a Yes and.
[00:23:41] I had to judge one of those rose battles at the stand.
[00:23:49] Evan and Kristi cello were both like really fucking good.
[00:23:55] The lead in like match ups were kind of like Andrew Collins and Lawrence something.
[00:24:01] They did all right, but Lawrence was like got like getting an Andrews face, which like
[00:24:07] would have worked if it had been, I think, two black eyes.
[00:24:11] But it just kind of read weird and then it was mostly white people in the audience.
[00:24:14] So they didn't understand his aggression and it was just like his rhetorical style.
[00:24:18] I feel like Andrew is more of like a story guy.
[00:24:23] I mean, Lawrence didn't really prepare with jokes.
[00:24:24] He was just like, you know, I'm a fucking grandma.
[00:24:32] And then like it was two other guys that had kind of okay jokes about each other like
[00:24:36] And then this guy and this girl who were both like new because the guy I've never seen
[00:24:41] at all, I mean, I'm sure he's like new to town and this girl, Andrea, who I've seen
[00:24:44] like one time at Carolines, who's like, you know, obviously just new to comedy or whatever,
[00:24:51] But at one point, she said something to him and his rebuttal was, well, I could say the
[00:24:56] same thing about you, which in the context of a roast battle is so fucking funny.
[00:25:01] And he just did it out of like being defensive or whatever.
[00:25:07] Like if that had been his strategy the entire time, like anytime she said something and
[00:25:10] be like, you know, well, I know you are, but what am I?
[00:25:21] Cause me and Stavar are like going to compliment each other, but I know Stavar have been writing
[00:25:25] He was friending like, oh, I just came up with jokes before.
[00:25:29] No, I legitimately sat down for like, yeah, I legitimately sat down for like four hours
[00:25:34] and like wrote probably 20 jokes for that Stavar roast battle beforehand, but I know
[00:25:44] Four hours and 20 jokes sounds like preparing.
[00:25:51] You think that people are, you think they're lazy, but, but you know, he's, he's obviously
[00:25:56] not lazy because you know, he worked at that, that shitty website for so long.
[00:26:04] To be working in that place and having to like, you know, laugh at bad jokes.
[00:26:08] I mean, he does it with us all the time, which is great, but yeah.
[00:26:15] Well, no, I mean, he's, he's our friend because he's funny and we're, you know, we're, he's,
[00:26:18] he's funny with anybody else at that company.
[00:26:33] So, if you're just joining us, if you're just tuning in somehow, if you'd like to, you know,
[00:26:37] like download, yeah, I like to download a podcast and then just get started right about
[00:26:45] I like to think that, you know, I'm like just flipping channels and I come across it.
[00:26:49] You know, unless you're listening to WTF for the Mark, man, you're not skipping the
[00:26:56] I was saying my dream and my dream, it'll never happen, but I really want, if I could
[00:27:01] sell a show, I want to have a show on IFC called Mark where I just do, I don't ever
[00:27:07] say I'm Mark Merrin, but I just act like him and it's airs for five minutes right before
[00:27:12] his show and it's the same format or everything, you know, where I'm like, what is this fucking
[00:27:20] Well, I guess I'm here, but I'm a fucking piece of shit.
[00:27:25] And then, and then it's like, come me up next, Merrin on IFC.
[00:27:38] One of the, something I did a couple of weeks ago was I woke up way too early to check my
[00:27:43] phone habitually and didn't go back to sleep because I read for like two hours from five
[00:27:51] Mark Merrin arguing with Trump people on Twitter, edited.
[00:28:04] So for the bonus thing, I wanted to just do, I wanted to just have, give Dick Field his
[00:28:13] I haven't figured out how Dick Field comes back into existence yet.
[00:28:18] Are we toying around with the idea of a portal opening to another dimension?
[00:28:23] The dimension where he didn't die at Auschwitz.
[00:28:26] Well, you ever see the TV show sliders?
[00:28:34] Another, another universe version of Seth.
[00:28:37] And then that opens up the possibility of like, you know, infinite, infinite Seth's.
[00:28:51] I couldn't think of a cool punny kind of.
[00:28:57] We got another four and a half hours ago.
[00:29:00] We're going to have to call the guy, dude.
[00:29:07] So you know, it's so funny when you do this, when you do this drug, like it's, you know,
[00:29:16] Like after you're like 15 years old is to do them and act like you're not on them.
[00:29:22] So like if you ever smoke weed with a noob and they're like, oh, I am so picked.
[00:29:26] You're like, oh, shut the fuck up, dude.
[00:29:28] You're supposed to act like you're not my own weed.
[00:29:31] But this one for me is like, is like the one where I extra try.
[00:29:36] Well, that's because it costs so much fucking money that you never want to feel like you
[00:29:41] It'd be like, you know, if you bought like, you know, this people out there driving like
[00:29:44] a fucking, you know, like a Hyundai, well, Hondays aren't bad.
[00:29:48] Like they're driving a really piece of shit car that they spent a lot of money on.
[00:29:55] The children are dead in the back seat.
[00:29:57] They're like, this is the best car I've ever seen.
[00:30:01] And it's the same thing with this shit.
[00:30:07] So this is the best drug I've ever had.
[00:30:11] And the best line or bump or whatever is the first one of the night.
[00:30:15] And then you, then you drop, you drop off, you get energy, you drop off, you do another
[00:30:22] You never actually get to that same point.
[00:30:23] I love the night always ends the same exact way with me and complete darkness, chewing
[00:30:29] a hole through my lip and playing Candy Crush, thinking about all the people I shouldn't
[00:30:41] I put, there's a lot of shit that ends up in the draft folder.
[00:30:45] One time I did a co-cave with Englishman Chris Milner.
[00:30:50] And it was the night Muhammad Ali died.
[00:30:54] He was doing, he emailed his dad because his dad loved Muhammad Ali.
[00:31:01] He wrote this really beautiful heartfelt email.
[00:31:07] It was just like crushing emails, like doing rails, crushing it.
[00:31:14] When I'm fucking lit, dude, when I hit the slopes, send some emails.
[00:31:20] So I was on this job with, I remember that guy Ed, that we don't like.
[00:31:41] But, so, I was bitching about him with the other, this other guy we know.
[00:31:49] And he was like, you know, nobody likes him.
[00:31:53] And he does this most obnoxious shit I've ever seen in my entire life.
[00:31:58] But he was complaining about something on the call sheet.
[00:32:01] And he was sending the complaints to, you know, the guy we know.
[00:32:06] And the way he was sending the complaints was with memes.
[00:32:14] Yeah, so he's like, he's showing me, but he's, yeah, I'll just show you the fucking text
[00:32:17] messages, you say something for two seconds.
[00:32:23] Syria, someone, I saw Randy Quaid, you know that guy?
[00:32:29] He posted a picture that, look, okay, you know what I mean?
[00:32:37] Wait, first of all, this is the guy from Futurama doing the like squinty sarcastic.
[00:32:44] Not sure if I, if an early call time helps me get out sooner tomorrow or screws me over
[00:32:53] Not sure if we're wrapping at 3 p.m. or 3 a.m.
[00:32:58] Imagine having to deal with that all day long from that guy.
[00:33:00] Are you having a coworker that will only communicate with you through memes?
[00:33:06] This is the worst thing I've ever seen.
[00:33:12] So, should we, should we talk about what Aleppo is for our Gary Johnson?
[00:33:21] I feel like everybody listens to this is voting for Gary Johnson.
[00:33:25] I feel like we definitely have some libertarian.
[00:33:29] What's a lib, like how do you, what's their retard term?
[00:33:39] Libertardian sounds like a zodiac sign.
[00:33:43] Libertardian sounds like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like
[00:33:47] My star sign is, my star sign is Libertardian, but I was born in rising cancer.
[00:33:51] So it sounds like a planet that you, you know, I'm very aggressive, but I'm also passionate.
[00:33:56] Like all the horoscets are like, well, I'm a Scorpio.
[00:33:59] So I'm actually the smartest person in the world, but I can also be emotional.
[00:34:04] It means it's like people just fall in love with me, but I'm also a genius.
[00:34:10] Dude, I really could not give two shits about that, but if you're trying to get laid in
[00:34:16] New York City, you just have to listen to hours of nonsense about the zodiac.
[00:34:29] I don't think that's- Girls love it, dude.
[00:34:32] I think that's a weird, that's like a weird thing that Rob Reiner invented for his movies.
[00:34:37] Is it women like that seems like- Rob Reiner?
[00:34:40] I feel like all the stereotypes about relationships he came up with and created them through his
[00:34:51] Is this where you guys direct Spinal Tap or Rob Reiner?
[00:34:58] Or maybe- Because that was his first movie with that whole ensemble cast, yeah.
[00:35:04] Like, you know, like the- When Harry Met Sally scene, when they're like, women don't fake
[00:35:08] orgasms and she's like, women fake orgasms all the time.
[00:35:14] Like, people don't actually have that conversation.
[00:35:18] I don't think people- People have that conversation all the time.
[00:35:19] Also I love that then she proceeds to do the fakest orgasm anyone has ever heard.
[00:35:24] We're just joking around about like how if she was just like, fuck my ass.
[00:35:36] I was at cat's and my friend, I was eating there and my friends had looked up and there's
[00:35:42] a sign right above me and they were like, this is where Meg Ryan faked an orgasm.
[00:35:47] There's like a sign hanging of one of the chairs.
[00:36:04] You know how like when women, those women that are just like, they get so much plastic
[00:36:09] surgery that you see them and they're like, I'm finished.
[00:36:20] They all look like that fucking, that bear cat.
[00:36:22] They have that like, that big puffy cat face.
[00:36:31] They kind of look like Pepe a little bit like brown like burnt Pepe.
[00:36:38] They should get whiskers to go with the face.
[00:36:53] You know, I say I don't because you're not supposed to.
[00:37:00] But any time I've actually been at a musical, like I really enjoy it.
[00:37:04] My grandma's birthday like two years ago.
[00:37:06] My grandma, or my grandfather, my mom took my grandma and me to go see the fantastics.
[00:37:13] Is that even, that sounds like a fade up, made up like fucking fake musical.
[00:37:16] Yeah, it was like a Pixar movie, wasn't it?
[00:37:29] I don't even remember what the fucking story was, but I enjoyed it.
[00:37:35] I saw the, I saw, like I wish, if I had enough money, I would definitely go see plays.
[00:37:40] I went to see the, what the fuck, the James Franco of Bison Men.
[00:38:00] Would have, like how far off Broadway do you have to be before it's off off Broadway?
[00:38:22] When I was doing the press, when I was doing that in the coal shit, part of the cannon was
[00:38:23] that Nicole's retarded son was actually fathered by Morton Downey Junior.
[00:38:29] Cause I hadn't done it, did the math on it and she would have had to have fucked him
[00:38:38] The guy that directed that documentary, the guy that fucking put the whole thing together,
[00:38:42] he like follows an unfollowed people on Twitter until you follow him.
[00:38:46] He's followed an unfollowed me like three times.
[00:38:52] And then I saw how many people he followed and I was like, oh, he's just...
[00:39:00] So remember how they go into like who is fan bases were?
[00:39:02] So it was like parents from the Midwest visiting New York that like agreed with his like populist
[00:39:12] And then the third were like Jewish high school boys that are like got the irony.
[00:39:17] And they're like, this is actually very funny.
[00:39:20] And there was like a crew of them in the documentary and one of them was the cook at
[00:39:25] And I had like no idea, but he was like, he was one of the more down in junior heads.
[00:39:30] He was like there with all his friends and I guess they're all still best friends.
[00:39:34] I mean, it sounds like the best high school experience.
[00:39:39] Somebody who like listens to the podcast, hitting me up and they were like, um, they were like,
[00:39:43] I know you guys, oh, like Chappa already does movie reviews, but you guys really should
[00:39:50] But he goes, um, somebody should really, you guys should really do like, uh, somebody needs
[00:39:53] to cover like all those old action movies, like under siege and shit.
[00:39:57] And I was literally watching under siege.
[00:40:05] That's with the cook element is because he's a cook in that movie.
[00:40:06] He plays a, you were talking about that thing about like perfect moments, right?
[00:40:10] About like, oh, you only get like three or four of these like when I predicted buckaroo
[00:40:18] I, uh, I got my friends brother sent me weed in the mail from Oregon and I asked him what
[00:40:24] the name of the weed was and his brother didn't text him back for like a couple of hours.
[00:40:28] I said, you know, I'm just going to call it death star and, uh, his brother texts him
[00:40:34] He's like, yeah, it's called death star.
[00:40:37] Really the bullshit about that is that people win the lottery.
[00:40:41] You only get a couple of those in your life and I just wasted it.
[00:40:44] You know, I feel so like I just fucking, well, then there's also people that some
[00:40:51] Some guy that works in an envelope factory.
[00:41:00] I've actually been, I've been going to, you know, I, last week I started watching, I tried
[00:41:04] to, I'm trying to like watch everything that's everyone best picture.
[00:41:13] I'm trying to get into that weren't, sorry, sorry to put on by Brooklyn, you know, cool
[00:41:21] I'm sure there are, but I have plenty of time.
[00:41:34] Because I've seen like the entirety of like the 1970s, most of the 1980s and then 90s
[00:41:57] I didn't know, uh, uh, Namibia, it used to just be part of South Africa until like
[00:42:07] And Zimbabwe used to be Rhodesia and have all different names.
[00:42:19] What's the one that became the took the white people and then became a new place after
[00:42:27] Cause Mugabe kicked out all the white people basically from Zimbabwe and then they went
[00:42:33] There's one next door that also starts with the Z.
[00:42:41] Namibia, Zambia, Namibia, Zinnibia, Tia, Tamara, Venus, I don't know if I've said this
[00:42:46] on the podcast, but I lived in Africa when I was a kid.
[00:42:52] That's, do you live there or you're just parents or from Africa?
[00:42:58] When I was a little kid, I, I got the exit and then like I came back and everyone's like,
[00:43:05] You know, it's funny is cause I always knew the name Rhodesia just from like having like
[00:43:17] But, uh, and then I didn't know until the Dylan roof thing that that's like a thing,
[00:43:21] uh, white supremacists, uh, essentially.
[00:43:23] Oh, they wanted to go back to Rhodesia.
[00:43:28] I think there was somehow even more racist than so.
[00:43:32] Uh, well, they wouldn't let black people own any land or something and I think it was
[00:43:40] There was, I mean, I watched the, I only, I watched a South African movie.
[00:43:49] It's, uh, well, I watched, have you seen Lost Souls, the Richard Stanley documentary?
[00:43:55] It's a documentary about Richard Stanley's, uh, like, um, remake of the Island of Dr.
[00:44:07] So it's, um, if you haven't seen it, it's fucking great cause it's all about all the crazy
[00:44:08] shit Brando was doing towards the end of his career.
[00:44:13] So Brando was like notoriously difficult to work with at this point.
[00:44:17] And Richard Stanley had directed two or three movies at this point.
[00:44:21] Wait, just as an aside, was it you who told me that in the siege, he did wear pants the
[00:44:32] They shoot him from the waist up cause he refused to wear pants.
[00:44:36] And then you watch the movie and like the first scene he's in, immediately you can see him
[00:44:40] So that one's, that one's not true, but there are a bunch of other, believe that's true.
[00:44:44] There are a bunch of other Brando things like he, uh, on, on the island of Dr. Morrell,
[00:44:49] he like invented this weird hat that had a bucket on top of it.
[00:44:52] So he could pour ice in it and cool off his head.
[00:44:56] Um, and then they had to like just let him wear that while they were shooting the movie
[00:45:00] cause he didn't want to take that bucket filled with ice off his head.
[00:45:07] I mean, I guess we have, we have fucking time to kill, you know, I can tell you all that
[00:45:16] It, not just for the Brando shit, but, uh, like Richard Stanley directed like two or three
[00:45:21] His like breakthrough, um, into the mainstream was this movie hardware.
[00:45:25] Uh, cause prior to that he'd been like a music video guy and he made hardware.
[00:45:30] How you was this island of Dr. Morrell?
[00:45:35] 1990 and, uh, he made dust devil in between the two, but, uh, yeah.
[00:45:42] So I think new line was going to make, um, the island of Dr. Morrell and they were like
[00:45:46] wary about hiring Richard and then they like got a couple of people on board with, they
[00:45:50] got Brando on board with the project and Val Kilmer and then they decided to replace
[00:46:00] They decided to replace Richard Stanley and Richard Stanley like had a temper tantrum about
[00:46:03] it and like went to go see Brando and for some reason Brando like took the meeting, you know,
[00:46:09] in his like bizarre castle on like Mulholland drive or wherever the fuck he lives.
[00:46:15] He was neighbors with like Jack Nicholson.
[00:46:16] They live on like the top of the hill and they're like, uh, probably he's been in so
[00:46:25] He has like four movies coming out this year.
[00:46:35] Um, well, I don't know why the fuck bit you wanted to tell you the entire plot of the
[00:46:44] No, we're supposed to be doing jokes, dude.
[00:46:49] We're just turning into, we know we don't need fucking stop here.
[00:46:51] This is turning a regular podcast territory.
[00:46:55] Let's, let's talk about funny stuff, dude.
[00:46:57] I watched five minutes of the view the other day and they're talking about those cuts.
[00:47:01] They're talking about, they're talking about like, is whoopies like a new study says that
[00:47:07] sex on average only lasts seven minutes.
[00:47:12] And then all of them are like, oh hell no.
[00:47:14] You know, and then like, you know, two of them are hot.
[00:47:17] I don't know what they always have like one woman on the show.
[00:47:21] They get a hot conservative Latina now.
[00:47:27] And so Oprah's sitting there and she just looks like.
[00:47:31] I call her Oprah as a joke so much that now I do it on her or by accident.
[00:47:44] No, I'm pretty sure that's a stage name.
[00:47:48] So she's sitting there and they put her on the end of the table.
[00:47:51] So she looks, she always looks like a pile of like the blankets that they give to people
[00:47:58] This lumpy mess covered in blankets of clothing with usually like nice sneakers coming out
[00:48:12] And it's like that's how long she fucks.
[00:48:24] I just imagine her sitting there with a, you know how like a job ahead princess Leia chained
[00:48:29] That's what everyone's going nuts about at the Oscars.
[00:48:32] But now I can't remember who was her Oprah because somebody got in trouble for calling
[00:48:42] Because you so often confuse them as a joke that you eventually do it on purpose.
[00:48:49] Like Joy Behar, I call her Reba McIntyre as a joke, but then I start doing it on purpose.
[00:48:57] The Fred Armisen impression of Joy Behar that he used to do on SNL is so fucking.
[00:49:06] Should we take another, I guess you, here you do, you do, you handle your business over
[00:49:12] I'll just keep talking about something.
[00:49:19] I really want a cigarette and to take a shit right.
[00:49:31] Tell him about the rest of that movie I was describing.
[00:49:34] Well, Nick's asking me to summarize the rest of that movie he was describing, but I haven't
[00:49:39] I have seen a similar movie called Lost in Lamontia, which was about Terry Gilliam trying
[00:49:54] That was the sequel, the Flintstones sequel.
[00:50:08] Cocade is literally just book and movie recommendations and albums.
[00:50:13] Oh, dude, you've never listed the Rolling Stones?
[00:50:17] You got to get into the Rolling Stones.
[00:50:23] Yeah, this is why we shouldn't do movie reviews because a movie review for me is like, yeah,
[00:50:28] Here's what I remember what happened and I thought it was pretty good.
[00:50:32] That's my take on almost every movie I've ever seen.
[00:50:45] While I quickly review the Phantom starring Billy Zane as...
[00:50:58] Phantom is like a children's movie where, you know, a similar thing.
[00:51:02] It's like setting the 30s or some shit.
[00:51:03] But I remember they had like one violent scene where a guy gets stabbed in the eye by a fucking
[00:51:07] like microscope that has razor blades that come out of it.
[00:51:16] So they should give me a job on the censorship board.
[00:51:20] Guys, please continue donating more bonus content like this.
[00:51:26] We're going to do a different drug every bonus episode.
[00:51:39] Okay, so Stoves, basically what he does, you poop into a jar, into a Mason jar.
[00:51:53] And do you remember that ad that was like post 9-11?
[00:51:57] And it was like, if you do drugs, your money's going to Al-Qaeda.
[00:52:05] But how funny is it that they fucking offered to put this show on the Anthony Akumia network
[00:52:09] without like, they didn't listen to a single episode because we make one of it, that show?
[00:52:17] But like the fact that he would be like, okay, I think it would be a good fit.
[00:52:19] It just means that like someone was like, hey, this show, like people like this show.
[00:52:23] And they're like, yeah, sure, we'll buy it without putting any fucking thought into it.
[00:52:30] What's the deal that Anthony Akumia would offer us?
[00:52:39] And like, you know, Lewis gave us an offer too.
[00:52:43] He made enough money on like the Anthony Akumia shit that he has his own studio now.
[00:52:47] I thought Lewis does a thing with big J. Oakers.
[00:52:51] Yeah, I think their legion of skanks is now on Lewis's own podcast network that he owns.
[00:53:00] If he's so successful, why does he have to fucking steal the Puerto Rican route?
[00:53:08] And he didn't know I was watching or whatever.
[00:53:11] And he was like, he was like, yeah, what am I going to do to deal with Nick Mullen?
[00:53:16] He was like, I want to, you know, he's calling himself the Puerto Rican rattlesnake to troll
[00:53:20] me, but like you can't fucking troll me.
[00:53:23] I'm just going to fucking punch you in the head.
[00:53:26] If I just fucking walked up to him and punched him in the head, seriously guys?
[00:53:33] And I joined and I was like, Lewis, this is the police.
[00:53:39] Okay, so this maybe might have been a false start with the bonus content, but whatever,
[00:53:46] And I've decided just now in the snap judgment, I will release Dickfield Diaries.
[00:54:08] We've been here for two and a half hours.
[00:54:22] Can you fucking believe the disrespect?
[00:54:26] Did that guy who may or may not be black or Puerto Rican or something?
[00:54:42] I have to listen to some crowd bastards tell me who the real Nazis are.
[00:55:06] Do you want to take another break and come back?
[00:55:33] We're going to just try and you know what?
[00:55:34] If you can't have quality of quantity instead of quality.
[00:55:49] You know, at first because I you know they're like, you know, Martin Scorsese made entire
[00:55:54] movies like this, you know, we was just constantly doing code.
[00:55:59] I feel like we should just figure out a way to apologize quickly and.
[00:56:03] We haven't seen this problem is we don't have any.
[00:56:07] We went to that party and there were gay guys doing poppers.
[00:56:15] We didn't see them flock each other afterwards or anything.
[00:56:20] I was thinking about like, no, I wasn't.
[00:56:25] Like if you could get, because you know, like AIDS is such a big part of like the gay community
[00:56:29] where there's like bug chasers and shit.
[00:56:31] If you could get pure AIDS and like sell it as like.
[00:56:37] Yeah, like an artisanal, like pure uncut.
[00:56:41] I'm glad that these guys are taking $5 to hear that.
[00:56:48] I should have just done a dick-filled shit on my own.
[00:56:52] I mean, listen, he's on the road with Bobby Kelly who he won't let anyone else feature
[00:57:10] I don't even listen to these when I edit them.
[00:57:12] I got a text today from a girl that listens to the podcast that her and her friend had
[00:57:17] an hour long debate murder fuck kill or murder.
[00:57:31] I told her I would kill and then Mary stop and then kill you.
[00:57:42] Well, it's cool that I like that one of the options is shitty.
[00:57:45] Like it's like like fuck Mary kill is just like, okay, here's three things.
[00:57:51] Well Mary implies you just fuck them for the rest of your life, right?
[00:57:58] So why is fuck like why is the game just called like rank these three things?
[00:58:02] Yeah, which one of these is the best and then the middle one and then the shitty one that
[00:58:10] That could be a whole sign felled episode.
[00:58:11] The secret is that all the come boys wish we were dead.
[00:58:15] And we're trying to get there by doing as many drugs as possible and recording.
[00:58:19] Man, I really wish we had some fucking funny thing to end on here.
[00:58:23] I really was hoping we'd hit that record button and then you know, we'd be firing on
[00:58:34] So like what was like the what was the first time you did cocaine who's on Halloween when
[00:58:50] You don't have to pride me for your story.
[00:58:53] I just, uh, just, uh, you know, like one of the first times we ever did it, but we were
[00:58:59] all nerds, so we just watched the room with directors commentary the entire time.
[00:59:19] It changed like what I find funny, what it, it ruined my brain.
[00:59:28] I'm having a panic attack about how completely unfunny the last hour has been.
[00:59:39] Maybe we hang on to this one and then we just like drop it.
[00:59:41] Like, this is the lost cocaine episode.
[00:59:43] Like we will reference it on the podcast.
[00:59:48] I was going to do the dick field thing.
[00:59:52] He knew that was going to be he saw that I announced both content and he had that meltdown.
[01:00:03] I hope he knew he was like, he's not going to try and make money at some point.
[01:00:08] And the only way they're going to be able to do it is with me.
[01:00:12] So I'll wait until they announce it and then I'll get them for fraud because they have
[01:00:16] to, I'm on drugs now because of Seth Cockfield.
[01:00:20] I've been sober for four years and I'm falling off the wagon because Seth checkmated me.
[01:00:30] Seth will have his revenge one day on you, but I don't think it'll be like this.
[01:00:36] I think it's going to be far more elaborate.
[01:00:38] I think it's going to involve, you know, you, you on the cover of the New York Post with
[01:00:47] You know, people should I was post, but that's a lot of work.
[01:00:56] Can you imagine how furiously whoever comes up with those beats off at the end of every
[01:01:08] The amount of stress you're under for such a dumb fucking thing.
[01:01:12] I think about like how the amount of stress that some really worthless jobs have, like
[01:01:16] being a clown, you're being a circus clown, how much pressure that must be to perform
[01:01:22] constantly and everyone hates you anyways.
[01:01:27] Being a mascot for a stadium, like the joke when we were kids were that we wanted to fuck
[01:01:35] They have really bad peripheral vision because the masks, you know, they're always like.
[01:01:42] Do if we got in trouble for touching some girl's pussy at Disney World.
[01:01:47] And that's like the world series of being a mascot is being one of the Disney World
[01:01:53] You're really up there in the mascot game.
[01:01:54] Imagine rising to the level of Disney World goofy and then that's when you start to be
[01:01:59] You spent years as Chuck E. Cheese probably or is like, you know, guy like the world
[01:02:04] No, Chuck E. Cheese is like animatronic, isn't he?
[01:02:07] Well, they have the band in the showroom.
[01:02:13] So in the interest of the cocaine episode, we should just finish this, right?
[01:02:18] Finish the rest of cocaine and the episode.
[01:02:29] I mean, I did say before we even took the cocaine that, you know, John Lennon, Stevie
[01:02:35] Wonder, Paul McCartney and Harry Nilsen for the best musicians of all time tried to do
[01:02:46] But we're like, you know, we're like four.
[01:02:47] We're like two of the worst podcasters all time.
[01:02:55] I think we should have really done the idea where we do director's commentary on an old
[01:03:00] I feel like this episode was going great until we took the break to do the cocaine and then
[01:03:12] Well, he couldn't defend himself the best way.
[01:03:16] That's the best way to make fun of anybody.
[01:03:19] We're going to figure out a way to fuck you by demanding a public apology.
[01:03:29] They heard that there are two white men in an apartment at Bed Stuy.
[01:03:37] When you need a broader, a client telling the truth.
[01:03:45] Oh, I thought that was the woman that was on the...
[01:03:52] Or Denny Jr. show and Al Sharpton was there and they did it at the Apollo.
[01:03:56] Every time, honestly, for a second, anytime I hear Juanita Broderick, I think it's like
[01:04:02] Mexican woman that Matthew Broderick legitimately knocked up.
[01:04:24] We have to stop doing this episode as soon as possible.
[01:04:28] The worst episode I've come to tell you.
[01:04:32] Do you call it checkers or rallies right into the show?
[01:04:46] I'm from the West Coast, but how people talk about in and out, it's the best.
[01:05:00] There's no such thing as a good burger.
[01:05:01] What do you mean there's no such thing as a good burger?
[01:05:06] Somebody just got shot, did you hear that?
[01:05:20] We should podcast until midnight when it becomes 9-11.
[01:05:30] That's why it's going so bad as it's a fucking homogenous 11.
[01:05:34] So for the 3,000 people that died, that's why this has been literally the worst one
[01:05:39] I know I say that every time, but not only is it bad, we don't know when to quit.
[01:05:43] This is like when somebody's bombing and it's got a mic.
[01:05:49] What's the best New York City meltdown you've seen out in Open Mike?
[01:05:51] Oh, you were there with that one guy that hit that one time where he's like...
[01:05:56] You go around, everybody wants your fucking dollar.
[01:05:58] And it's like, those are homeless people.
[01:06:03] I live in a bunk bed in Bushwick with eight other guys.
[01:06:20] He just watches the speech from Glengarry Glen Ross every night and looks over his fucking
[01:06:33] Guys, Glengarry Glen Ross is another movie that I've seen.
[01:06:39] You're listening to the movies I've seen podcast with Randy Ipkut.
[01:06:47] And in today's episode, I'm going to be talking about the film, Ernest Goes to Jail.
[01:06:55] In the movie, there is a man named Ernest who goes to jail.
[01:07:01] And lots of things happen in regards to him being in jail.
[01:07:06] So I wonder how many people you can get to listen to an hour of that.
[01:07:16] Another film I've seen is the sequel to Jurassic Park, which the name escapes me at this moment.
[01:07:22] But folks, the dinosaurs are back and they're angrier than ever.
[01:07:32] Now there's baby dinosaurs running around.
[01:07:35] They're going to grow up and be back on dinosaurs.
[01:07:37] Hi, my name's Randy and you're listening to the movies I've seen podcast on today's episode
[01:07:46] One Dalmatian, two Dalmatians, three Dalmatians, four Dalmatians.
[01:07:52] Oops, here comes five, five Dalmatians.
[01:08:03] How has it fueled for 15 to 20 years on this substance cocaine?
[01:08:11] Have you ever watched old John Stewart stand up?
[01:08:15] Oh, here's, this is the only, so, because I was going to do that.
[01:08:18] I love that Mark Mariner and John Stewart hate each other.
[01:08:20] I was going to do that Vogue birthday party, the Anna Win
[01:08:24] I was hoping there'd be like a fat fashion lady there so I could call her Nutella de
[01:08:31] I've been looking for a home for that joke for probably weeks.
[01:08:35] I don't know who to call Nutella de Ville because you know what it is?
[01:08:38] Anytime there's like a fat, fabulous woman, everybody's like, oh that bitch Ursula.
[01:08:48] So guys, if you have an opportunity, let's get rid of Ursula, let's swap in fucking Nutella
[01:08:56] I feel like that Randy character that could sort of make up for last.
[01:09:00] My name's Randy and this week I watched five easy pieces starring Jack Nicholson as Jonathan
[01:09:13] Well you know what, it was my favorite movie when I was 19 and then right around.
[01:09:18] Right around 2020 when I stopped caring about anything.
[01:09:23] Yeah, so that's what happened to me after I saw the rip.
[01:09:34] I mean I think like high school is gladiator.
[01:09:49] I told you I saw Jim Jeremy schwalkie around the village.
[01:09:53] Jim Jaramish, I don't think anyone knows how to pronounce his name.
[01:10:01] Hi, my name is Randy and you're listening to the how to pronounce Jim Jaramish's name
[01:10:07] podcast sponsored by the Anthony Kamiya network.
[01:10:15] Mr. Kamiya has allowed us to come in his studio and discuss Jim Jaramish's name.
[01:10:20] Norman Wilkerson is going to message me and call me so many names for how bad this is.
[01:10:26] Yeah, and even the good ones Norman is like, ah, his fucking awful show.
[01:10:33] He's like, you guys are fucking idiots.
[01:10:38] That's why he thinks it's okay to say that to me.
[01:10:39] But he's doing that to like shit on you because he's your friend.
[01:10:42] Yeah, but he's still shitting on me legitimately.
[01:10:46] So just to catch everyone up that's not in the room, we're going to finish this right
[01:10:50] Then we're going to finish the podcast.
[01:10:51] Who the fuck is setting off 911 fireworks?
[01:10:58] Those are actually coming from Staten Island.
[01:10:59] Are they firing them across the Verrazano?
[01:11:04] They celebrate 911 when the clock hits it.
[01:11:06] We should go to Staten Island for the 911 parades tomorrow.
[01:11:12] It's the number one holiday in Staten Island.
[01:11:25] What if there were veterans in this neighborhood?
[01:11:28] You know, you can't even make popcorn around veterans.
[01:11:37] What's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your, what's your
[01:11:45] Oh, I think the, uh, I was, I think the, uh, cool war was
[01:11:54] 1812 because we were the bad guys sort of.
[01:11:59] And, uh, it ended and Andrew Jackson didn't like know that it ended and he destroyed New
[01:12:07] Like the war was over and he was like, well, there's, there's still war going on.
[01:12:12] So then he just like marched down to New Orleans and then he, he raised the entire city.
[01:12:19] Was that, was the six flags there when this happens?
[01:12:21] Uh, this was, this was, uh, have we ever talked about it?
[01:12:26] No, I don't think we've talked about it on the podcast.
[01:12:31] You know, nobody wants to hear about a time we went to this.
[01:12:39] So I fucking shot down and we hung out on there and like, okay.
[01:12:42] So we never knew Orleans from there and fucking we said shit to her and then there was that
[01:12:49] There's a six flags that's been left derelict since Katrina.
[01:12:52] And like if you hop offense, you can like go inside.
[01:12:55] It looks like a post apocalyptic, you know, it looks pretty badass.
[01:12:59] But uh, we were laughing the whole time because there's just graffiti everywhere.
[01:13:03] And one of the most prevalent parts of graffiti is just a guy's like in the middle of doing
[01:13:09] a swastika being like, Oh fuck, I did it wrong again.
[01:13:14] Until you get to the end of the park and then there was a couple done right.
[01:13:17] So there's like a guy that you could, it was documented.
[01:13:20] He told the whole story learning how to do a swastika on the day he went to six flags.
[01:13:24] And that's a memory he has now is the day he went to six flags and learned how to draw
[01:13:38] I saw that S is like sidewalk graffiti.
[01:13:49] I'm going to call this episode Scarface.
[01:13:52] Can we talk about Scarface for a minute?
[01:13:55] We can talk about Scarface for Scarface.
[01:13:58] I guess we watched it together in April.
[01:14:00] This thing's, we're actually going to run out of time on the SD card.
[01:14:03] We haven't done a podcast this long before.
[01:14:14] We were laughing at Michelle Fyfer, remember, because she was like, Oh yeah, she's just the
[01:14:22] She's at that like fancy gala or whatever.
[01:14:25] You're looking all fucking, you know, she's like some snooty bitch.
[01:14:30] And she goes, Baltimore, like it's not a shit hole.
[01:14:36] Oh, this cat is a fucking nightmare, dude.
[01:14:43] And this isn't going to end with the cat throwing up because the cat already threw up before
[01:14:47] I'm sitting right now next to a pile of vomit on the floor that I stepped in, by the way.
[01:14:54] Luckily, I don't have to clean it off because there's already vomit everywhere.
[01:14:59] We should, we should just call it, dude.
[01:15:09] We've got prank phone calls coming up or that Randy thing.
[01:15:13] Maybe there'd be like a Randy fucking podcast spinoff.
[01:15:16] I feel like I kind of had my arm twisted into, into doing, you know, the bonus content stuff.
[01:15:26] I already feel enough pressure doing the fucking regular weekly podcast.
[01:15:29] I didn't even want a fucking podcast in the first place, but you can't just be a comedian
[01:15:34] People like our podcast and you don't have to feel bad about.
[01:15:39] I think that there are a bunch of in-sell gamers out there that love our podcast.
[01:15:45] Yeah, but we don't talk about gaming enough.
[01:15:51] We got to talk about PlayStation 5, the new PlayStation 5, PlayStation Neo.
[01:16:01] It's like PlayStation 4, except it's more money and it's a different shape.
[01:16:05] So if you have the old PlayStation 4, guess what?
[01:16:14] It stands for new, expensive, and online.
[01:16:21] PlayStation 2, which 4, something like that.
[01:16:35] I got to wake up at 5.45 in the morning tomorrow.
[01:16:40] I got to catch a live drive of van to work.
[01:16:49] And please don't like rescind your $5 after listening to this.
[01:16:54] We have like big guests planned and books.
[01:16:57] The money actually goes to retarded kids.
[01:17:01] We had a guest book this week that canceled on us.
[01:17:02] We were going to do an interview episode.
[01:17:08] We were going to do Tim Dillon, but Tim Dillon canceled the last minute.
[01:17:12] Because he was at the ice cream museum.
[01:17:21] We tried and you know, and if you try, people can criticize.
[01:17:27] I haven't listened to any single episode of our podcast ever.
[01:17:32] I mean, enough to the extent that I make sure the audio is synced up and that...
[01:17:36] Then I run everything through some kind of fucking filter or something.
[01:17:42] But I spend most of the work on the middle part, the break.
[01:17:56] I'm going to kill it with the middle parts.
[01:17:59] Stay tuned or rewind and listen to them again.
[01:18:19] And I know it's been bad if you're like hanging tough.
[01:18:24] We got to talk about Steve Jobs' doctor.
[01:18:30] Basically, yeah, just through Steve Under the Bus said that Steve basically killed himself.
[01:18:35] He had the pancreatic cancer you can survive from.
[01:18:40] Which is normally like a death sentence.
[01:18:42] But he was like, yeah, I'm just going to do like yoga and drink like muscle milk.
[01:18:49] And he went to like Jamba Juice to try and kick hands.
[01:18:54] We were riffing about this outside and we thought it was so funny that we had to bring it up.
[01:18:59] We forgot that maybe we'll edit this part into how it was before, you know?
[01:19:06] I think maybe don't do an interstitial.
[01:19:08] Like have it like people think the home improvement theme songs they come on and then we're going
[01:19:15] And then we'll trick them into thinking it's over but then they look at the time code and
[01:19:19] But I mean, I think it's all relevant because you know, there's that other bitch, the
[01:19:22] turtleneck bitch with the health company.
[01:19:28] Yeah, you had it sweet about her voice.
[01:19:30] I didn't even realize she sounded like that.
[01:19:33] But everybody in the world deserves to have.
[01:19:38] Every but they all now the cat's thrown up because I'm doing the voice.
[01:19:46] That's what the cat sounds like when it's when it's vomit.
[01:19:50] Everybody in the world deserves health care.
[01:19:53] You know who should get cancer that lady?
[01:20:00] If you had to do a startup right now, we've been talking for two and a half.
[01:20:07] So I feel like it's only fair that we continue the last part of the podcast.
[01:20:11] This is the part of the cocaine experience where we talk about how we have ideas to make
[01:20:19] You guys have seen a roast battle on Comedy Central.
[01:20:23] It's like Shark Tank meets roast battle.
[01:20:27] So he pitches an idea real quick and it's all improv.
[01:20:41] So let's do a sample episode right now.
[01:20:46] So it's Lewis J. Gomez is hosting always the fake Puerto Rican or...
[01:21:02] It's an old one that I came up with with my friend Michael Foodie once, but it's a manhole
[01:21:07] cover and it's a butt plug that has a manhole cover on it.
[01:21:19] So it's like literally covering a man's hole.
[01:21:48] So, and then I already mentioned on my podcast, on the podcast, the idea I had for the laser
[01:21:52] pointer that looks like the Batman logo.
[01:21:55] But it comes with a costume for your cat.
[01:22:01] Kind of like million dollar novelty item idea.
[01:22:09] You've all heard about headlights for a car.
[01:22:13] But what about headlights when you're just walking around on the street?
[01:22:17] So it's two giant fucking lights to strap to your head and it draws power from your iPhone
[01:22:22] and then you can see where you're going at night.
[01:22:30] Honestly, that's like half of Benjamin Franklin.
[01:22:31] The Franklin's inventions were just bullshit like that.
[01:22:34] And everyone liked, they're like Benjamin Franklin, a statesman inventor and that's
[01:22:38] like, well, none of his inventions are worth the shit.
[01:22:44] Oh, I think Jefferson had some inventions.
[01:22:51] I hadn't did a system to make an infinite amount of children.
[01:22:55] Uh, there might be a little dark, but uh...
[01:23:10] It's a tube that rerouts the air you breathe through your nose, your mouth.
[01:23:16] And it has a switch on the side of your nose.
[01:23:19] So you can turn it on and then if something smells bad, you're...
[01:23:22] And you turn it on and then the air just goes in your mouth and it bypasses your old
[01:23:25] So you could just like block your entire nose.
[01:23:27] Yeah, this is like 23rd century body mod kind of shit.
[01:23:31] Stuff that they're gonna be doing in the future.
[01:23:33] You could just become like nasal anytime you need.
[01:23:44] Do you think Bernie Sanders has breathed out of both nostrils anytime in the last like
[01:23:51] That's why I supported him because he had a...
[01:24:01] Do you know how firefighters, they have poles in the firehouse so they can get downstairs
[01:24:11] Hello, why doesn't everybody have that?
[01:24:18] They fire fighters like climb up the poles?
[01:24:21] Dude, there's never an emergency where they have to go back to the firehouse real quickly.
[01:24:27] No, they take the stairs up but then they slide the pole down.
[01:24:32] So, the stairs only are good for going up.
[01:24:45] All the bullshit NASA ever invented just wound up at sharper images.
[01:24:56] We got to come up with a couple more startup ideas.
[01:25:01] The listeners stayed with us through all of this.
[01:25:06] How about an app that just, you know how they're different streaming services?
[01:25:13] Like Hulu and Netflix and if you think of a movie, you're like, oh, I really want to
[01:25:21] What about an app that just aggregates all that?
[01:25:24] And then just tells you they have that.
[01:25:26] If you Google anything, it'll show you what you're using.
[01:25:34] So let's say you're like in the movie theater and you're watching a movie and you're like,
[01:25:39] You just hold your phone up and then your phone and the light comes on.
[01:25:47] So you know how like people post like Shazam stat.
[01:25:50] Hold on, Shazam, but for people's races.
[01:25:54] And you're like, oh, Latresha, I got this great joke and you're like, wait a second.
[01:25:58] And then you pull your phone out and it scans your face.
[01:26:01] And it's like Dominican and you're like, never mind.
[01:26:08] So you know how like Facebook has like you could post statuses, but then they have like
[01:26:12] events and then they have like photos, like albums and all that stuff.
[01:26:16] How about just the statuses, but then like with a character limit?
[01:26:20] So like a website that you could just like 140 characters and you could just post statuses
[01:26:31] I don't think that would be successful.
[01:26:33] You know, I like every like two years, like they're like Twitter's getting rid of the
[01:26:35] character limit and then no one knows who where the stories come from and they never
[01:26:44] I think they would ruin the joke format.
[01:26:48] That's the fun part about Twitter is you have to make it succinct.
[01:26:57] Mark Twain who believes that so much that he changed, he shortened his name.
[01:27:03] How about, how about an app that, um, yeah, nothing.
[01:27:09] No, the cat is viciously eating his own asshole.
[01:27:15] Imagine if Brandon were here, how upset he'd be about this.
[01:27:22] I wish I could have just used this time to riff out the Star Wars jokes for that birthday
[01:27:27] Um, I was thinking about like, you know, Chewbacca?
[01:27:33] Um, cause he has like arms and legs, you know, he's like a guy.
[01:27:40] How many Chewbacca's do you think they ate before they were like, all right, they're
[01:27:46] Uh, I mean, isn't that the thing is like, they're, they're a bunch of aliens that they're like,
[01:27:56] He is that belt thing around his chest.
[01:27:59] He has a bandolier, which makes him like a Zapata type of.
[01:28:06] What if he's got like, he's growling, but it's in like a Mexican accent, like if you could
[01:28:09] translate it because he's like a Mexican revolutionary.
[01:28:13] He loved in episode three where they like, you know, the movie's just not ending and
[01:28:21] And then there's a part where, uh, where Yoda is like on the planet with the Wookiees and
[01:28:26] he's like, goodbye random Wookiee number one and Chewbacca that everyone, all the nerds
[01:28:33] in the theater are like, yeah, we got him in there.
[01:28:37] No, they were doing that in the, in the force awakens too though.
[01:28:49] My big joke when that movie came out was like, okay guys, who's excited to find out
[01:29:01] And then immediately after that, I saw like an article or two that was like, what's up
[01:29:08] Cause you know how all the characters are racist.
[01:29:11] And like, you know, so C three P O, I think initially the reason why he's gold and his
[01:29:19] Because he was supposed to be like a Jewish accountant character.
[01:29:23] And it's like, oh, which planet are we going to now?
[01:29:28] I thought he was like an defeat British man.
[01:29:30] Well, that's, and then they made George change it.
[01:29:33] They were like, George, you've gone after Jews too much in this.
[01:29:41] We'll just make him, I'm gonna make him gay.
[01:29:43] I pointed this out that actually is a bit that I used to do about C three P O is like
[01:29:47] that character is completely unnecessary.
[01:29:49] He's like C three P O's whole, the whole purpose for having C three P O is that he translates
[01:29:56] But the only time he's really translating is in job as palace, right?
[01:30:00] When you're talking to job of the hot who just speaks pig Latin.
[01:30:04] Like everything he says is like, me no, let T on a solo go.
[01:30:09] People are like, yeah, we have no idea what that means.
[01:30:12] But somehow we understand the fucking dog.
[01:30:18] They understand R2 D2 who just speaks beeps.
[01:30:21] They all like that like R2 is like, but they never learn.
[01:30:26] And then they don't they don't know a big Latin, but also if they have the technology to make
[01:30:29] robots speak, why not just make R2 D2 speak?
[01:30:33] Why have to why does C three P O allowed to speak, but R2 D2 has to be a beep guy.
[01:30:41] I was saying it's because R2 D2 in original script says nothing but racial slaves.
[01:30:45] Oh, that's oh, because he's just cussing.
[01:30:48] And then they meet Lando and R2 D2 is like, they're like, dude, we'll keep it down.
[01:31:05] Yeah, I guess they're gonna they're gonna make so many of those movies and they're all
[01:31:14] It's just, you know, what it's becoming the Simpsons, dude.
[01:31:18] It's like, yeah, we have a very complicated plan and nothing's gonna go wrong.
[01:31:25] They're making an old girl's oceans 11.
[01:31:32] I was like a 10, 17 women have to figure out how to change the oil in a car.
[01:31:39] I still think a sketch we didn't make that we was a joke we made on the podcast was
[01:31:46] I mean, Drew Michaels cartoon is great.
[01:31:49] And that's like a really juvenile idea.
[01:32:00] But we are legitimately the SD card is filled.