Cum Town | Premium | 09/17/2018
[00:00:17] We're going to do this for like 20 minutes.
[00:00:39] And I said it right, two motherfuckers.
[00:00:42] You say P body, which makes more sense.
[00:00:59] We're flying high off Cleveland last night where we did this for just hours.
[00:01:06] They're like, they're like, they're like, they're more places.
[00:01:11] I wish we could be in any other place except Cleveland.
[00:01:16] But unfortunately, our shithead grandpa was a steel guy.
[00:01:20] And our parents don't know how to move.
[00:01:26] We all got accepted into Harvard by the way.
[00:01:39] We walked by Harvard and there was a chalkboard with just the music from Toto's Africa.
[00:01:45] And then we wrote the lyrics and I just wrote it in and it said, I want to suck a gazdick
[00:02:01] And we're like, put those boys in Harvard.
[00:02:08] Just telling people about it constantly all the time.
[00:02:13] I love confusing it with Howard University also.
[00:02:17] Just America's best traditionally black university just going up to a fellow Harvard fellow and
[00:02:25] just being like, oh, you went to Howard University?
[00:02:32] We tried going to the rock and roll Hall of Fame.
[00:02:41] I thought we didn't even give it up to that.
[00:02:42] We passed by the billboard in the airport.
[00:02:49] But we also, we did Google young Steven Tyler.
[00:02:53] We looked at pictures of Steven Tyler's speech.
[00:03:00] This will change into Steven Tyler's face.
[00:03:01] You would think that you thought that his face was fucked up.
[00:03:17] We wanted to come out to the Louis theme song.
[00:03:32] Your boy was really up for the six o'clock show.
[00:03:35] But I'm basically sliding into sleep for this hour.
[00:03:49] Well, I looked up a bunch of people from Cleveland for the last show.
[00:03:51] So you guys want to hear about who's from Cleveland?
[00:03:53] You know, Steve Harvey's from Cleveland.
[00:04:00] You can't tell that he's beating off because the suit's so big.
[00:04:04] I guarantee you, he's doing it under there.
[00:04:11] That's what, that's what act like a woman think like a man named, I think.
[00:04:22] That's when he's like, when he's perplexed on family feud where he's doing like this
[00:04:28] You can't tell that, but he's playing Mark Gold.
[00:04:32] He's like, name something you eat with ice cream.
[00:04:38] How do you guys feel about family feud?
[00:04:46] I'm looking poor and a picture out to that one.
[00:04:54] It really should be a Steve Harvey themed chain restaurant.
[00:04:59] Like what Outback Steakhouse is for Australia.
[00:05:02] It should be like a restaurant for Steve Harvey.
[00:05:05] And then it's got to lead it with him in any way.
[00:05:07] Whoever designs the place should just be explained Steve Harvey to him.
[00:05:12] We're not ever actually looking him up.
[00:05:14] So then you get sort of a cross between the Outback Steakhouse and the movie The Mask.
[00:05:40] Again, this is something from the Cleveland show.
[00:05:49] Yeah, you motherfucker's probably want to go buy a fucking nice Toyota.
[00:05:54] You're like, I want to fucking show respect to the most important thing about hometown.
[00:06:03] You probably want to go out and get a Chevy Bolt.
[00:06:06] You care about the environment as well.
[00:06:09] Whatever happened to electric cars, you know?
[00:06:15] Mark Wohlberg Chevrolet only sells the pickups that you can use to do hate crimes.
[00:06:24] They really use it for trailers, but there's already a rope on there.
[00:06:27] Like, Mark, they're going to take away your franchise.
[00:06:36] Do you guys know why he did that to that Vietnamese guy?
[00:06:49] If we can come here and he describes the crime and why it happened.
[00:06:53] A bronze, just a bronzed eye on the sidewalk of that.
[00:07:02] On this spot, one man didn't know to mind his own business when a future star was talking
[00:07:33] But then there's the weird one with the...
[00:07:34] It's funny because the rest of them look like the failed clone room from Alien 3.
[00:07:39] The all the ones that would just want to be killed.
[00:07:43] But there's the one that does the restaurant and there's...
[00:07:45] There's a bunch of weird extra Wohlbergs.
[00:08:09] Guys, I found the girl sleeping in the woods.
[00:08:55] They should have done a good vibrations parody called Goodwill Hunting for the movie Goodwill
[00:09:00] That would have been a great theme for that movie.
[00:09:10] Is that your fear that you'll go to therapy and he'll just blame it on you?
[00:09:18] I like to imagine that it was like Robin Williams in character as the therapist from
[00:09:23] Goodwill Hunting and he's like, just tell me, Will, what happened?
[00:09:26] And then Will describes the molestation and then that's when Robin Williams goes in the
[00:09:39] The only thing that makes him break character is it detailed.
[00:09:43] You think Robin ever got his little dick sucked as a child?
[00:09:54] It's fair to speculate what they might have been.
[00:10:04] Her name is Zelda for real, by the way.
[00:10:08] Which is, I respected him more when I realized he was a gamer.
[00:10:12] Did you know Robin Williams was a gamer?
[00:10:26] He says, just please tell us what you're doing.
[00:10:36] He says, just please tell Starfox this isn't his fault.
[00:10:40] The frog's like, oh no, he's hanging himself.
[00:11:02] I'm so glad he died so that we can do this.
[00:11:49] And Pac-Man, later he had transitioned and became Lady Pac-Man.
[00:11:57] All you had to do was say a video game and you had to make it a different bit.
[00:12:06] It's also it's Miss Pac-Man, not Lady Pac-Man.
[00:12:23] Your name doesn't determine your Pac-Man.
[00:12:25] Oh, you had to say his other son's name is Sonic and you fucked it up.
[00:13:24] Get the fuck out your ass back in the house, Clefairy.
[00:13:36] That was the big one that had an egg, right?
[00:13:39] No, Clefairy looked like the pink guy that floats around.
[00:14:09] Damn, because being the nurse would make more sense for being a single black mother
[00:14:15] I checked out on all of those, like, after the first two, the red and blue ones.
[00:14:23] And then I get to a certain point where there's one that's just a set of keys with eyes.
[00:14:27] Like, I don't know, this fucking shit, I guess that's a Pokemon.
[00:14:38] Here comes Kappy by the game, you fucking idiot.
[00:14:49] I don't know if those dumb-ass kids had believed everything adults were.
[00:15:00] There was a retarded kid in my school that thought his mom wrote all the Beach Boys songs.
[00:15:13] Damn, what a beautiful life that kid had, dude.
[00:15:16] His favorite song, he just thought his mom wrote all his favorite songs.
[00:15:20] The real special education happens at home.
[00:15:22] And if you got the magic touch, you know how to raise those kids right.
[00:15:35] That's a bad message to tell one of them, dude.
[00:15:41] Don't ever try to, you know, go up to the roof right on her.
[00:15:51] Of course, I'd love my gay son so much.
[00:15:57] Yeah, my wife would just try to make him like her best friend take baths with him and
[00:16:04] And she'd be like, mom's being a cunt again.
[00:16:27] Seb is a good gay guy named like a good short gay guy.
[00:16:29] I guess that is kind of true because I ended up liking women because my dad constantly
[00:16:49] I thought the overhead was a problem, but I kind of like the shadow.
[00:16:54] So it's got the bunny filter from Snapchat on it.
[00:17:01] How do I get the rosy cheeks off of it?
[00:17:06] His face swapping is cock with himself.
[00:17:15] What do you think your dad's penis looks like these days?
[00:17:35] I mean I never saw it flaccid, but it was cool.
[00:18:04] This is like when you go to a fucking concert and the drummer's going crazy.
[00:18:35] Nick what do you think your father's penis looks like?
[00:18:41] I don't think my dad's looked at it since the 80's.
[00:18:47] What does he look at it through a kaleidoscope so as not to look at it directly?
[00:18:51] He's got a photo album that he looks like in the 1980's.
[00:18:56] He's thinking like a Gene Jackie fueled by cocaine and the prospect of not having a
[00:19:06] I have trouble looking at my penis because of my white guilt.
[00:19:12] It makes me uncomfortable so I take a picture with it and then I run it through the Valencia
[00:19:23] My dick is darker is a shade darker than you demand.
[00:19:31] I spent a lot of time trying to not imagine your dick.
[00:19:42] No, that's probably that's about as dark as I would.
[00:19:46] First of all, you saw me in the winter.
[00:19:48] I wasn't getting much fucking sunlight on my cock.
[00:19:56] That's where camouflage when I'm beating off outdoors.
[00:20:01] My dick was trained to be orange for that reason.
[00:20:07] Do you remember that week when that app was letting you do see what you look like as
[00:20:18] I think America was safe for that week.
[00:20:29] Like, you know, if you're with a Don Cheetah face filter.
[00:20:38] And then they took away the capability.
[00:21:18] You see them on the train playing like the full featured fighting games on their phone.
[00:21:22] And it's like, just go home and play Xbox.
[00:21:30] I saw Mike Lawrence doing that and I didn't say anything to him.
[00:21:32] I was like, I'm going to let him just have this moment to himself.
[00:21:36] Yeah, that's the best part of his life, dude.
[00:21:39] Playing video games, which is pretty sad because he's like very successful, but probably
[00:21:44] he likes playing video games more than anything else, I would guess.
[00:21:50] Mike's work challenge on Mike Lawrence.
[00:22:02] Let's pull up a video and just let's all watch Mike Lawrence.
[00:22:04] I'm going to see Mike's mic on Rose Battle talking about some comic book type shit.
[00:22:18] I think this is going somewhere, probably.
[00:22:38] We're going to do this thing where we should flip at him.
[00:22:52] I thought it'd be funny to go to the rock and roll hall of fame.
[00:23:02] Halle Berry, do you guys know she's from Cleveland?
[00:23:06] Are you guys pro or against Louie coming back?
[00:23:25] Two of the three women here wanted to come back.
[00:23:26] Let's get a man to immediately invalidate their opinion.
[00:23:52] I know, because there's a bunch of people like, somebody who's like, if I owned an enterprise
[00:23:58] rental car and one of my employees beat off in front of another employee and then they
[00:24:03] tried to come back, I wouldn't let them.
[00:24:05] It's like, well, yeah, but if you owned an enterprise rental car and your employee was
[00:24:09] saying all of the things Louis CK had already said for the last 20 years, you probably would
[00:24:15] So if that, at that point, they're like, yeah, my daughter's a continent.
[00:24:19] It's like, can I just get a mid-sized combat?
[00:24:22] Why you're explaining to me that your daughter is a continent like, but she's got a pussy.
[00:24:28] And then after that, he was like, this is what it looks like when I jack off, then you
[00:24:40] I think the biggest problem with Louis is that he's ruined jacking off as like, you know,
[00:24:45] like activity to do in front of a woman, you know what I mean?
[00:24:49] Because every once in a while, I don't see a problem with just jacking in front of a
[00:24:53] consent thing at the whole obviously, but I've got to fuck the penis, you know what I mean?
[00:24:57] Sometimes it's like, let's get, I'm trying to watch a chop.
[00:25:01] Every time I'm about to come, my dick starts hurting because of my weird foreskin.
[00:25:05] What if I just looked at your tits and beat off?
[00:25:09] And my fear is that this whole thing is going to ruin that move for me.
[00:25:14] The real victims of Louis C K are men with tight four skins.
[00:25:28] Let me get a quick little op-ed that's fucking say my thing.
[00:25:31] You're just like, they're like, yeah, this is online only and they're somehow still mustard
[00:26:11] A friend of ours just got beat off next to on a plane.
[00:26:27] And then this guy's got his hand and his pants.
[00:26:31] His hand is all the way down his pants.
[00:26:46] Gentlemen, I'm just a simple country law.
[00:26:49] If my client wasn't aggressively beating off in a distasteful manner, then you can't
[00:27:00] say he's any guiltier than the rest of us.
[00:27:04] Did he do it Western style or continental?
[00:27:10] You tie a little rope around it and adjust it like a bolo tie?
[00:27:16] I think a gentleman is a lady, puts her legs on the side, like a whore.
[00:27:27] Is Western when you put green onions and ham?
[00:27:38] It should do a type of dressage where someone's also sucking the horses.
[00:27:41] Because the horse looks like it has to go to the bathroom.
[00:27:54] It's hopping, but in a way we're like, I gotta go.
[00:27:58] I mean, that's just as absurd as making a horse dance.
[00:28:03] I think it's more intuitive to suck on a horse than to make a dance, honestly.
[00:28:06] If you looked at a horse in nature, you would get to suck it off before you got to make
[00:28:13] That would cross your mind before, let's fucking give it dance lessons.
[00:28:18] So in some ways, dressage is the disgusting act.
[00:28:22] You should be able to suck off a horse.
[00:28:25] Because in a way, dancing is just simulating fucking.
[00:28:28] That's why people, to be moved away from our nature, our true nature.
[00:28:32] Which is always fucking and killing each other.
[00:28:36] If we were just to suck off the horse instead, still wear the outfit obviously.
[00:28:47] You just like the big collar or whatever that is.
[00:28:56] What other costumes did you suck up a horse while wearing a, maybe like a revolutionary
[00:29:13] I thought for sure I was going to be John Wick for Halloween, but now I'm thinking I
[00:29:17] Yeah, that would be a cool, that would be a cool scene in the new John Wick.
[00:29:20] If he sucks off a police horse and then spits the come into a cop's place.
[00:29:27] Just juggling a bunch of pistols and sucking off a horse.
[00:29:31] Just slow mo'ed horse jizz going through the air.
[00:29:45] They pulled the horse and stuck out of my mouth while I was sucking him.
[00:29:49] That horse was the only thing I loved after my wife.
[00:29:55] Yeah, he gets a new package from his dead wife.
[00:30:01] So I knew that puppy would probably get murdered at some point.
[00:30:09] The image chains like, you know the rules?
[00:30:16] Nobody does business on company ground.
[00:30:30] It's so funny to be a grown man and this is what you do.
[00:30:54] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
[00:31:01] Tell us one fact that an oral surgeon would only know that us three of us who went to
[00:31:19] Well, it's not so easy to say, suck a horse's cock.
[00:31:31] I bet you I could go cut people's mouths open or at least approximate what that should
[00:31:38] You know, you got malpractice insurance.
[00:31:39] Can you imagine if what would have happened if Stav went home with that black market organ
[00:31:46] dealer or whoever that catfish was, we just saved your life, dude.
[00:31:50] Yeah, dude, he was trying to get the rest of my beautiful ass teeth.
[00:31:56] I wish you hadn't fuckin' lied to me, you piece of shit.
[00:31:59] Is that how you treat the ones you love, you motherfucker?
[00:32:05] I hope the horse your dead wife gives you to suck off dies, dude.
[00:32:09] And I mean that, too, from the bottom of my heart.
[00:32:16] We visited the Harvard Lampoon today, those fuckin' nerds asked us to come there.
[00:32:30] It's the oral surgeon and the Harvard man.
[00:32:36] They took us on a walking tour of their mansion that...
[00:32:39] These fucking boys get to live in a castle.
[00:32:43] They're like, there was actually a sexual assault that happened on this couch.
[00:32:51] And they're like, and as you can see, there are no black people here.
[00:32:59] They're like, there's no black people here.
[00:33:08] We said that, but then we realized it was true.
[00:33:12] They're like, yeah, we have wild parties here.
[00:33:17] They were outside though, just hanging out.
[00:33:20] Yeah, last week we hosted the Kings of Leon.
[00:33:26] And explained to them all of the rapes that have been killed.
[00:33:31] Dwight Eisenhower actually raped JFK in this game.
[00:33:35] I didn't know Dwight got down like that, dude.
[00:33:43] This is where Andy Borowitz of the New Yorker left a dead girl.
[00:33:49] He created the Fresh Prince of Bel Air right after that.
[00:33:55] Yeah, the original show was about a guy that committed a rape at Harvard.
[00:34:00] He had to go live with his aunt, uncle, and Bel Air.
[00:34:05] Upper East Side, born and raised probably.
[00:34:10] Doing on the playground is where I raped most of my boys.
[00:34:17] I went to a Chinese restaurant on the Upper East Side recently.
[00:34:20] And places have pictures of the celebrities that go in there.
[00:34:26] And it was just the owner and Woody Allen.
[00:34:28] Just like, damn, the Upper East Side does not give a fuck.
[00:34:50] You guys see that shit on Facebook a couple years ago, when whoever that there was like
[00:34:54] some insane woman that ran shows in Harlem.
[00:34:58] She's like, guess who came by last week?
[00:35:11] And everyone at the explainer, you're like, you know that's not Larry David hanging out
[00:35:17] I saw this guy outside of this movie theater with a big poster that made no sense.
[00:35:25] It's like Emma Stone is a liar and she's going to go on Jimmy Fallon and then you'll
[00:35:31] And I was like, what is this guy's cause?
[00:35:34] And so then I'm like, hi, can you just explain your poster?
[00:35:41] And I'm here, I just want everyone to know that Woody Allen is in his.
[00:35:45] Who's protesting outside of random movie theater?
[00:35:51] I just try to spread the way he's a great artist.
[00:35:55] And he doesn't care what people think about him.
[00:35:58] But I want people to know that he could have never done those disgusting things that people
[00:36:02] say he did, even though he did marry technically his daughter.
[00:36:06] It wasn't his biological daughter and also she can't speak English.
[00:36:12] So this, I have a confession to make is not like that, but it.
[00:36:20] Somebody told me that Woody Allen would do a thing where he breathed on his daughter's
[00:36:29] And you've been bringing that to the bed.
[00:36:35] Where do you know Woody Allen used to breathe through his daughter's pussy?
[00:36:40] Anyway, here's your, uh, you want to sign for this package or what?
[00:36:43] Oh, look, me and the UPS guys, we've had beef and then we got over it.
[00:36:51] Anyways, I tried that breathing on a pussy through the underwear thing and it's actually
[00:36:56] But I have to know now that that's where it comes from.
[00:37:14] Dude, ma'am, forget that maybe drop a hint, you know, to a gentleman caller.
[00:37:22] Just throw on Manhattan and let him put it to two and two together.
[00:37:30] It's an opening song to the film Manhattan.
[00:37:35] You think, you think Ronan Farrow is actually Frank Sinatra's son?
[00:37:40] Yeah, I think he's a hater, that's what I think.
[00:37:48] He's playing on Woody just trying to get some pussy.
[00:37:52] That's your worldview on the, that's your take.
[00:38:04] You were going to fuck Harvey Weinstein.
[00:38:11] Would you get, like, if I fucked that man at gunpoint in the middle of the street, and
[00:38:17] not out of any sense of justice, but because that's what makes me come.
[00:38:27] I'm like, oh, I don't even know about that.
[00:38:30] I just saw him and I wanted to go fuck a big pig.
[00:38:40] There would be one person that's like, he did it to rape also.
[00:38:49] One thing I was wondering, hypothetically, was if you told, this is so good with the
[00:38:58] This is, you know, if you told the religious guy.
[00:39:10] You hold the mic like this, too, you know.
[00:39:14] If you told the religious guy that Jesus had a little dick, would he be mad?
[00:39:23] That is, you can just say, it's not a hypothetical.
[00:39:25] It's not the meaning of a hypothetical.
[00:39:36] No, the hypothetical would be if Jesus had a small dick and you could prove it, then would
[00:39:42] it hurt people's faith or give them more faith?
[00:39:45] Well, that's what I'm trying to know because if you're mad, what are you saying that little
[00:39:49] dicks are bad, but also, we just fucked up, but also, for no, I don't care.
[00:39:57] The way it's bad to be mean to anybody.
[00:40:06] But it would make sense if he just had like an awful tiny dick and then he's just letting
[00:40:09] the Romans kill him and he's like, yeah, it's because I'm God's son.
[00:40:13] That's why I'm allowing this to happen.
[00:40:20] He didn't put a gun to take off all his clothes.
[00:40:21] He's like, please, just let me keep the real part of my car.
[00:40:36] I don't think it would be rude of him to have a big dick because he never fucked.
[00:40:44] He just, he's just hoarding all that extra cock meat and not going to.
[00:40:51] Well, I always wanted to do like a sequel or a director's cut to the Emperor's New
[00:41:00] Clothes where at the end the Emperor walks through the streets and he's just got this
[00:41:04] And all the peasants have to just go home sad.
[00:41:14] There'd be a better moral there, I think.
[00:41:16] He said you can never have what you want in life.
[00:41:19] And people who are better than you are probably better than you for a reason.
[00:41:24] You never try to trick them into being new.
[00:41:29] A hard ass, big ass dick is coming your way.
[00:41:32] So don't even think twice about tricking people in power to be naked because they all
[00:41:47] Just teach kids about how the world works.
[00:41:53] What about a movie about the Emperor getting bottom surgery?
[00:42:04] What happens in the Emperor's New Groove?
[00:42:06] Oh, that's the Emperor that he can rap.
[00:42:10] Two tricksters convince the Emperor he can rap and they write him a song that's got the
[00:42:19] And then they put on the concert and he's murdered.
[00:42:26] That's what that movie, uh, Bullworth was about.
[00:42:31] The final line in that movie is Halle Berry calling Warren Beatty the N word.
[00:42:39] Wouldn't an embarrassing movie for everybody?
[00:42:56] Uh, I feel like there was titties in that video too.
[00:42:58] Get a fro and a titties out if I- I think so.
[00:43:12] I don't know what the local equivalent would be.
[00:43:21] I just owe a little bit of money around town if you know what I'm saying?
[00:43:24] You're sitting on a scholarship right now.
[00:43:30] In the words of Aries Spears, when I opened for me told the woman, every woman is sitting
[00:43:41] Oh, the pussy is a lot lower than the penis.
[00:43:44] The pussi is a lot lower than the penis.
[00:43:45] I think depending on how you're positioned, it's possible.
[00:43:49] If you're sitting on a saddle, you're technically sitting on your pussy.
[00:43:55] I'm sitting on my nuts technically right now.
[00:44:02] Yeah, they're touching the chairs when I'm saying.
[00:44:11] So I would have to assume that depending on how you're sitting,
[00:44:15] at least part of your pussy is touching the chair.
[00:44:25] To see thought experiments we can get into.
[00:44:28] Welcome to physics, 9 hundred fucking 99, whatever the biggest number is.
[00:44:40] How much of your nuts are you sitting on?
[00:44:42] Now, if we got any bitches, we're to pussy be at it.
[00:44:50] Hell yeah, if your pussy leaves your ass hole with a 9 am.
[00:45:04] You open the box to find out if I fucked your pussy or not.
[00:45:07] Let's say there's a pussy floating in orbit around Pluto.
[00:45:11] Now, my dick is big enough to reach all the way to Pluto.
[00:45:21] Damn, I want to let's be college professors, man.
[00:45:27] They let Bill Cosby be a professor at Temple.
[00:45:38] That was another thing they said to us at the Harvard Lampoon.
[00:45:41] They were like, yeah, we had a picture of Cosby hanging out.
[00:45:47] I was like, oh, because he raped all those women.
[00:45:50] They were like, no, because it was kind of like a minstrel kind of looking.
[00:45:57] You understand how racist somebody has to be?
[00:45:59] For the second most offensive part being Bill Cosby's rape.
[00:46:12] It is really funny what Harvard students who live in a literal castle think racist.
[00:46:19] It's just the whitest people in the entire world that live in a medieval castle dedicated to pranks.
[00:46:29] And then we're probably going to work for them one day.
[00:46:37] My career ends as soon as this is over.
[00:46:41] Dean starting a little surf and turf restaurant.
[00:46:52] I got another 15 years of pretending Chris Hardwick's funny and private conversation.
[00:46:57] Trying to get on every shitty variety show that Viacom pumps out.
[00:47:05] How about talking dick with Chris Hardwick?
[00:47:22] But knowing that there is a future where I could host talking head.
[00:47:26] Talking head with Chris Hardwick and he just talks shit about that girl.
[00:47:57] And come back and pay $15 a month dude.
[00:48:04] My plan is actually for my backup plan is to go into the inner cities, become a kind
[00:48:17] Just one of them comes back into class and they're like, damn Mr. Friedland, I was on Google the
[00:48:30] Is that a movie about them finding out Michelle Phy for you should do porn or something?
[00:48:41] She's a fucking slut and she goes into the schools and teaches them what they're pussy.
[00:48:47] I would learn very effectively I think.
[00:48:55] There's some teach side beat off to a bunch.
[00:49:04] She had big ass titties and she had red hair.
[00:49:07] Kind of like a, and that I think gave me a thing.
[00:49:09] Like I beat off to one with red hair and big ass titties.
[00:49:12] We've ever since that day I've been into women with big ass titties.
[00:49:24] That's one of the things about people know that about me.
[00:49:25] I had a hot teacher named Miss Wagner and one day she like got mad at her.
[00:49:30] And she's like, can you guys stop saying crackhead?
[00:49:33] I have had, I have multiple friends who are crackheads.
[00:49:44] I thought you was out of my league but she's hanging out with crackheads.
[00:49:52] What do you want to do for a baby girl?
[00:50:03] Nick did you ever want to be after a teacher?
[00:50:20] That seemed like you wanted to say something.
[00:50:27] Did you ever want to go, are we got these Harvard shirts on?
[00:50:30] Do you guys ever want to go to any college at any point in your life?
[00:50:42] No, that's not the same level of question.
[00:50:46] I've tried to have lunch at any point in your life.
[00:50:54] But who knows what your desire is, collegially as a child might say about you.
[00:51:07] Damn, so this must be an important day for you.
[00:51:15] When I apply this, sent me a letter back.
[00:51:21] Because we have to let in all of these Chinese.
[00:51:30] And yeah, they didn't say Chinese people.
[00:51:34] And I thought that was even more than just that.
[00:51:36] Adam's dad didn't want to be the fucking, uh, the fee to apply.
[00:51:40] So we just took it out of the, out of the fucking mehole.
[00:51:49] Damn, I'm trying to, damn, sorry to hear that, man.
[00:51:53] I wanted, um, I wanted to go to Berkeley also.
[00:52:00] Same thing though, the Chinese Chinese.
[00:52:02] Whatever, man, you guys don't want to answer my good-ask questions.
[00:52:17] I'll give you more of the fucking same.
[00:52:28] Can you imagine the physical toll of 24 hours of gay sex?
[00:52:32] We're not even sure Bruno Mars is human.
[00:52:37] So he could probably adore a lot more than a regular, anist person.
[00:52:44] I think that's fair to speculate about.
[00:52:48] We recently came across a man who loves having gay sex.
[00:53:13] Now we get to the political section of the show.
[00:53:25] This is the freedom to do whatever you want with your mouth.
[00:53:41] You're right to bear arms, but as you cut your sleeves off of your fish net tank top, yeah.
[00:53:48] Who do you think's buffered, me or Nick?
[00:53:53] You have to keep British soldiers in your ass.
[00:53:59] The right to a police officer can shove things in your ass.
[00:54:12] Number five is the right to suck your own dick.
[00:54:26] And if you do that long enough, you just fill a buster until you're free.
[00:54:30] You just have to suck your own dick for at least 24 hours.
[00:54:37] Yeah, the traditional buster glass, if you fill it up with jizz, you're free.
[00:54:45] There's four more in the Bill of Rights and then they got what?
[00:54:49] I'm kind of dispute if it's over $20 or something.
[00:54:57] If you do this and it's under your waist, you can punch your friend and call him gay.
[00:55:03] Have the amendments for just like, okay, well, we're going to stop being racist to black
[00:55:11] I know last time it sounded like it, but just now we thought we really killed it when we
[00:55:16] got rid of slavery, but we just found out way more ways to be racist to black people.
[00:55:48] Dude, you fucking know all the amendments?
[00:55:49] What do you think this is a chopper fag house?
[00:56:17] Those socialists are making money from a book.
[00:56:42] Cha-Chi, when Hannibal was crossing the Alps,
[00:56:44] Cha-Chi reminded me of Beyonce on the Black Lives Matter.
[00:56:49] I don't even know where I am right now.
[00:57:07] That's how we're going to be talking after his club Bruce Wayne.
[00:57:10] Then it gives me $1 after 26 for an album.
[00:57:15] You're calling back the thing from the early show.
[00:57:21] All right, you have this man removed, please.
[00:57:38] Can somebody come out and blow onto the thing,
[00:57:43] Blowing to his asshole through his own.
[00:57:45] My mom's blowing a guy with less teeth than stop in the parking lot.
[00:57:50] Remember that guy that wouldn't stop touching us yesterday?
[00:58:02] It's like, yeah, you got a fucking problem with your dumpster dog.
[00:58:08] I was trying to save up for a comedy show.
[00:58:10] I was trying to shit and he kept, he was at the year and all he kept going,
[00:58:20] Dude, he went up to Nick and he was like, dude,
[00:58:22] Adam's such a, Adam's such a fact, dude.
[00:58:26] He's like, it looks like a fucking worm, doesn't he?
[00:58:28] And then he comes up to me, he's like, dude, fuck Nick, dude.
[00:58:32] He was like, try to start drama in the crew.
[00:58:37] That drunk guy from Cleveland wearing fucking rainbow flip flops.
[00:58:45] Is it riffs created by a man who's got a beer bottle opener in the bottom of his shoe?
[00:58:51] All of his clothes are from music festivals.
[00:58:57] Dude, trying to see fucking Phil Lesh and friends.
[00:59:10] Yeah, if you want, we got Jack Johnson at the Crimson Castle later at Over Harvard.
[00:59:29] We're not prohibiting any people of color from coming, but who would want to see Jack Johnson?
[00:59:35] It'd be great when they remove affirmative action, then Harvard is all Chinese people,
[00:59:38] and they still do the lampoon, and to see what kind of humor that is.
[00:59:49] It's like, I guess that's the whole article.
[01:00:03] It's like, this isn't a magazine, it's just a bottle of Coca-Cola.
[01:00:18] When they take over America, and then everyone has to go in front of a Chinese tribunal and tell them you're worth,
[01:00:25] With the three of us, it'd be like, we were the comedy podcast, and we think we could be great for the new China America.
[01:00:35] We do a lot of good bits with the Chinese accent.
[01:00:47] Do you speak fluent Mandarin Chinese then?
[01:00:54] If you still have broadcast television, you go past channel four.
[01:00:58] It's just like 35 different Chinese news stations, and they're always reporting on some sort of horrific earthquake.
[01:01:05] Five million people died yesterday in Guangzhou Province.
[01:01:10] The president said, good job, the souls have passed.
[01:01:24] I was thinking it'd be funny to do a GoFundMe for the people that work in the Foxconn iPhone cell phone factory,
[01:01:33] to get them all tickets to see crazy rich Asians.
[01:01:42] Asian people on a movie, they're going to feel a lot better about working 19 hour days.
[01:01:55] We're giving him water as he crosses the finish line.
[01:01:58] I'm like that guy that shit is pants at the end of that triathlon.
[01:02:03] I would love to do a BDSM marathon, like a 5K where you get to the last half of the race
[01:02:29] They're getting sued by Toyota dealerships because they refuse to sponsor if they use their name
[01:02:52] Whatever makes you happy, brother, I'm here for it.
[01:02:55] I would like, hmm, how would I like to die?
[01:03:28] I'm going to need a guy with an eyepatch.
[01:03:32] You probably could just go on Twitter and say, I bet Donald Trump could never fuck me.
[01:03:39] Donald Trump's going to arrive in the casino wearing a white tuxedo.
[01:03:42] I'm going to be next to the man with eyepatch.
[01:03:47] Struggier shoulder being like, hmm, good play.
[01:03:50] But then I'll be shooting looks at Donald across the table and then I'll have sex with the president.
[01:04:06] Yeah, I mean, I love the idea of someone like you making a P tape with Donald.
[01:04:12] Donald Trump pissed in your own mouth and be like, look racial, mad.
[01:04:22] Amanda looks just like me, has produced a tape of Donald Trump pissing in his mouth.
[01:04:29] Dude, if Rachel Maddow and I ever met, we would just start sucking each other's dicks immediately.
[01:04:40] It's like jacking off if it's someone that looks exactly like you, right?
[01:04:48] You know, your friends got a pit bull and you want to make some money.
[01:04:54] You gave your friend a couple of bucks.
[01:05:17] You'll find in the upcoming Lampoon, which we're guest writing.
[01:05:22] They told you that or they told us that.
[01:05:27] So far we got 40 pages of heat dye on train.
[01:05:35] You got to see the illustrations and they are pretty racist.
[01:05:41] What's Ben Garrison doing with you guys?
[01:05:46] Shout out to that guy drawing Trump sexy every time.
[01:05:53] I mean, he's like using them to lubricate his penis for his sex with this statue of liberty.
[01:06:13] Basically this is a fire we know anything about Boston.
[01:06:18] We tried closing the show last night, but they had no idea who this guy was.
[01:06:24] No, we're not going to set it up like that.
[01:06:32] They're trying to figure out a Joe List.
[01:06:35] I'm not here, but it's Joe List, but it's Joe List cruising for gay sex.
[01:06:40] Which, if you know Joe List is funny, like, yeah, you ever hang out in this bathroom?
[01:06:46] Yeah, recently I've been getting into, uh, go ahead in the bathrooms to meet other guys.
[01:06:58] My favorite part about the bathroom, probably the handicap stall, or is I like to call it the master bedroom?
[01:07:08] I feel like the king of France in here.
[01:07:14] Part of it is that he only has, he does references to Dominic Strauss-Con for whatever.
[01:07:21] Who's the head of the IMF who raped, uh, made in his hotel like I am.
[01:07:28] Anyway, it's really in the bathrooms and Dominic Strauss-Con, uh, and feels like, yeah, you ever, uh, you ever get the shit beat out of you by bikers for coming too early?
[01:07:38] Well, then the savage beating just makes you come even harder.
[01:07:51] And then Norman's there, and he's like, Joe, stop.
[01:07:56] Joe, stop getting raped by all these guys.
[01:08:03] That's his, that's Mark Norman, but his regular Mark Norman.
[01:08:15] We were just telling you what we've been laughing at.
[01:08:26] So, for like 24 hours, it was like, this is going to work so well.
[01:08:32] I've been high for a couple of years to the bathroom.
[01:08:38] With the Piddle Jam show, you know, whatever.
[01:08:45] But yeah, anyways, you know where it's going if it's the A-team.
[01:08:52] So, that part's been done, but then they just drive that van around picking up homeless
[01:08:56] veterans and then they sexually assault them.
[01:09:02] We're going to get you the help you need, brother.
[01:09:09] The main guy is just like, I love it when a plan comes together.
[01:09:31] The gay team is brought to you by the War of War.
[01:09:36] We didn't know what it was when we sponsored it.
[01:09:40] That'd be a pretty good show, I'd watch it.
[01:09:46] Yeah, recently I saw the show, the Viacom.
[01:09:50] It's about a group of homeless-based proportions guys.
[01:09:54] They go around in a van, you know, fucking veterans.
[01:09:59] I wanted to be in the bathroom, but they wanted to be a van.
[01:10:11] We've literally been doing it for 24 hours.
[01:10:13] It's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.
[01:10:16] Because if you really do Joe, if you guys knew this guy, it'd be really funny.
[01:10:21] Literally the only thing he gets emotional about is Pearl Jam.
[01:10:25] Just like, we had my heart broken in a bathroom the other night.
[01:10:30] We did an impressions contest on the podcast of two people.
[01:10:41] That's the funniest shit we've ever done.
[01:10:45] Okay, I guess we're just going to keep doing it then.
[01:10:57] We're kind of open cruising Joe would kind of dig this way.
[01:11:00] We thought he's from Boston, so we thought it'd be funny.
[01:11:03] I'm from here, you know, they made me leave.
[01:11:08] You know, there's only so many bathrooms in Boston you're going to get kicked out of.
[01:11:14] Down there in New York, there's no bathrooms in New York.
[01:11:17] You just got a suckcock outside, I guess.
[01:11:21] It must be where all those homeless people came from.
[01:11:24] The day team could come through and pick up them and clean up these streets.
[01:11:43] Okay, I mean, I guess I got to do Ralph now.
[01:12:03] Yo, yo, you went to Hartford County Community College, man.
[01:12:12] Do not be with me when I'm not with that shit, yo.
[01:12:16] Yeah, one time my uncle tried to suck my dick, yo.
[01:12:34] I flushed all his diabetes medication down.
[01:12:38] Let's see how fucking much you've been trying to bless most.
[01:12:41] You're getting reeled out by a guy in the bathroom and all your HIV medicine falls into the toilet.
[01:12:46] Yo, what I tell you about saying gay shit, yo.
[01:12:50] Do not be talking about that kind of stuff around me, yo.
[01:12:53] I'm just running this bit for Conan later.
[01:12:56] My HIV medicine falling into the toilet.
[01:13:03] Yo, that shit not my, yo, if I was in charge of shit, first thing we do, take care of all
[01:13:10] God is this for a reason that disease happened.
[01:13:19] I'm saying what everybody thinking that shit, and I just said it.
[01:13:25] I went to church once, tried the confession thing.
[01:13:28] Couldn't figure out where the priest's cock comes through the hole, man.
[01:13:31] It's in there somewhere, but it's too dark.
[01:13:37] Sometimes it's cock's too big to fit through it.
[01:13:39] In the bathroom, you just go under the store.
[01:13:47] Priest is only supposed to fuck little boys, yo.
[01:13:51] That's the shit God was like, y'all get this one, and it's cool, but no other kind of fucking.
[01:14:04] Sorry, y'all probably got molested as well.
[01:14:14] Yo, my fault for whatever, fault for Francis did to that little ass, yo.
[01:14:20] I mean the fucking bring up them traumatic ass memories, yo.
[01:14:26] So anybody here want to get chlamydia later or anybody want to get Hep C?
[01:14:42] Whatever make my dick like her pussy, I'm in, yo.
[01:14:56] Oh, Tommy Lee using his dick to blow a boat horn as your Titanic?
[01:15:07] Now we're finally following some common ground.
[01:15:09] I get a little easel out and I draw Tommy Lee's dick.
[01:15:12] I shove a pencil into my own cock and then I draw his dick using my dick.
[01:15:21] Had to start with that weird shit again, yo.
[01:15:25] Yo, take this motherfucker from around me, yo.
[01:15:31] I'm about to start swinging on him, dude.
[01:15:34] I'm still, I still haven't gotten my beat up a gay guy badge for Dundock Boyce Gouse.
[01:15:41] And it's feeling like it's about to be tonight, yo.
[01:15:46] And I ain't talking about cruising Joe, neither, yo.
[01:15:57] Because you're actually somehow gayer than this character.
[01:16:02] He's being a gay version of a man we know.
[01:16:05] So I don't know how you did it, bro, but you're offending my homophobia more than this guy.
[01:16:10] Talking about sucking off dudes in a bathroom.
[01:16:12] Yeah, I'm just a vague approximation of a guy we've interacted with maybe 19 times total.
[01:16:17] But if he were a homosexual, cruising for sex.
[01:16:37] Do whoever you are and then we're going to fucking go.
[01:16:40] Yeah, let's see what character you pull out of your ass.
[01:16:46] This character is, it's, um, his name is Borat Sagni of he's a television host from Kazakhstan.
[01:17:02] I just told everyone what the character was.
[01:17:07] He's been doing it for about 20 minutes now.
[01:17:09] You think you got 20 minutes of Borat in you, man?
[01:17:13] Maybe he can interact with the other characters, too?
[01:17:16] You think you got that ability to do that right now?
[01:17:22] I'm literally just a man that fucks people in the bathroom.
[01:17:27] I have different ways to work in the bathroom fucking thing.
[01:17:35] I guess, I guess Borat would say something a little like this.