Cum Town | Premium | 04/15/2019
[00:00:00] I know it's the weather's good when I sit like this and I can just I just told I can
[00:00:20] Dude, I can feel my arms are the hair of my arms are sticking out.
[00:00:31] It's about that season to have anonymous gay sex.
[00:00:33] It's a grisly man, but it's about a different kind of bear.
[00:00:40] You must never play this tape for anyone.
[00:00:50] Gayness so sick and depraved that it makes you question why God would have been
[00:00:56] created an asshole that could fit the penis in it.
[00:01:00] And why we don't excrete all of our negative fluids through the penis as you're in.
[00:01:18] And then when the guy sticks his dick through or whatever, you can just start.
[00:01:22] You just start, but you grab his dick so he can't get away.
[00:02:02] Can you just please just suck my dick and it's not through the song?
[00:02:11] We're going to stop coming with the glory hole.
[00:02:16] You know, I'm not actually an employee of the talk.
[00:02:19] I'm just a gay man wearing a red shirt.
[00:02:26] In fact, I've got keys that never have damaged your bathroom.
[00:02:39] I thought you were one of our team members here.
[00:02:43] I was under the impression that you, I thought I said, Jerry, he's, you know, he's not the
[00:02:48] employee of the month, but he definitely, he definitely pulls his weight around here.
[00:02:55] And you know, I know he's not getting paid much.
[00:02:58] I know he's the only guy here gets tips.
[00:03:03] The baggers do a lot of work themselves.
[00:03:05] I don't know why Jerry's the only guy that gets tips.
[00:03:08] There's a hole for your digger than a smaller hole for tips.
[00:03:17] How would you construct a women's glory hole for pussy eating?
[00:03:25] You would get a gynecological stirrup situation.
[00:03:29] So you'd have to have her legs poking out through the, you'd have to have two holes up top.
[00:03:35] And then a lower hole where her pussy goes.
[00:03:37] And then kind of something to brace her weight like a bar above her head.
[00:03:40] She's holding, she can hold on to the bar.
[00:03:42] Anonymous public sex isn't really for women.
[00:03:45] They're too stupid for cool stuff like that.
[00:03:54] You know what, bitch, you're in Pee-wee's playhouse.
[00:03:57] Why don't you stroll that pussy back on home and fuck the dog like the weird lonely inside weirdo that you are.
[00:04:07] The boys are out here having a nice time.
[00:04:09] We're ruining Pirates of the Caribbean.
[00:04:18] I was laughing too about a show called Queer Eye for the Gay Guy where they take regular computer programmer looking gay guys and turn them into like leather daddy.
[00:04:30] Just so like it's a gay guy showing up at work and they're like, Gary finally has the confidence to ask for a raise.
[00:04:36] I've just been doing a lot around here.
[00:04:39] He's just got clamps attached to his balls.
[00:04:41] His balls are like Gary's really coming out of his shell.
[00:05:03] No, they haven't done any of these scenes.
[00:05:05] They've never even seen that show or any show for gay guys or anything for girls ever.
[00:05:14] I don't know if I said it before, but me and my friend used to do that when we were like five, six or whatever.
[00:05:19] We'd be watching TV at either his house or my house and like we'd be watching cartoons and commercials would come on.
[00:05:25] And if it was a commercial for like Barbie shit, we would both dramatically turn away from the TV and be like,
[00:05:38] You're like, you're the one you watched it longer than I did.
[00:05:41] Your lips would be very perilously close to each other.
[00:05:47] Even though he would often watch a millisecond more of the girl commercials than I would.
[00:05:59] One of the hardest things I've ever seen crush was I remember being at my friend's house and his older brother was there.
[00:06:07] And I guess it's Aladdin at the end of the credits.
[00:06:12] It shows the moon and the moon turns around.
[00:06:16] And he goes, made you look or whatever.
[00:06:19] And fucking, if we were watching Aladdin, we're all sitting in his living room.
[00:06:24] And the moon turns out, he goes, made you look.
[00:06:27] And his older brother is turned around facing away from the TV.
[00:06:39] The funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
[00:06:47] I told you guys when I tried to see my neighborhood friend's penis when I was a little kid.
[00:06:53] You were known for that, going around the neighborhood trying to take a peek at trying to get peen pakes.
[00:07:03] I had a whole two years where I kept taking my dick out.
[00:07:08] I used to ruin my parents dinner parties with a penis party.
[00:07:12] I'd run downstairs with my dick, like my tiny little dick flapping out, pushing it into my body like a turtle.
[00:07:19] Yeah, and you're up for people to take a year off in between high school and college.
[00:07:28] A lot of people have a period when they're 18, 19 where they go back home.
[00:07:34] Yeah, we're in their parents' dinner parties.
[00:07:36] I'm home to hair outside and I'm having a gay sex.
[00:07:41] I remember I got really confused ones because I went to see the Matthew Broderick Godzilla movie.
[00:07:49] With a poor puffed daddy, did that just go cashmere?
[00:07:54] It was featuring Jimmy Page, even though it was just whatever.
[00:08:01] Jimmy Page had like a 13 year old girlfriend.
[00:08:02] I thought they put an octopus in a girl's pussy.
[00:08:05] They put a squid, a fish and a poached.
[00:08:26] PG, but towards the Eastern Shore, right?
[00:08:34] I mean, it's not like fucking Temple Hills or...
[00:08:38] I mean, it's not like Sootland or whatever, but it's...
[00:08:43] It's the target out there, the hood target.
[00:08:52] It's time for bass, bass, but minor league baseball boys.
[00:08:56] We gotta go catch the system single A ball, dude.
[00:09:01] And the cyclones, the Brooklyn Cyclones.
[00:09:10] If you're already gonna make a distinction and say,
[00:09:11] the Staten Island Yankees, why not just have the Brooklyn Yankees?
[00:09:18] No, Staten Island, that's the most type of Yankees.
[00:09:20] I was about to go to opening day of the Las Vegas aviators.
[00:09:26] Staten Island Yankees have gotta be like, yeah, fuck the Cyclones.
[00:09:29] We got the Yankees name, but then the Cyclones change their name to the first responders.
[00:09:34] And the Staten Island Yankees are like, we gotta kill ourselves.
[00:09:52] This week they just opened a new ballpark and when I was back home for the A's, AAA affiliate
[00:10:00] And I didn't go to opening day and you know who I would have met.
[00:10:07] Mr. Renthal James Simpson was at the end.
[00:10:31] He was a unreliable historian of ancient Rome.
[00:10:38] That's funny is that we really, one guy just going ham and having well-preserved fake
[00:10:43] shit could, we could just be wrong about it.
[00:10:46] I think it was, it was thought of as historical until like Bill, Bill Maher had the guy that
[00:10:51] wrote the proof of collusion on his show after the Mueller report.
[00:10:55] Oh, I watched Matto with my family this week.
[00:11:00] Liberals are like, so we now know conclusively that he not only colluded, but that Mueller
[00:11:07] Yeah, I know, I mean, it's just like they're just not going.
[00:11:10] They've taken it a step further, which is that they're saying that Julian Assange should
[00:11:14] get like the death penalty for being a Russian asset and giving Trump the election.
[00:11:20] He got indicted for the Chelsea Manning thing.
[00:11:26] They don't like WikiLeaks because it was exposed that they rigged the election for Hillary
[00:11:31] Which is, it's really an assault on democracy to expose something like that.
[00:11:44] Exposed the inner workings of a rigged system.
[00:11:46] Yeah, because he worked with, well, when you're stopping a girl boss.
[00:12:15] Julian Assange, for some, is it true that he fucks family?
[00:12:25] That's now we're getting into the section of the Julian Assange shit that I'm interested
[00:12:28] You know, we've got some historic pussy from the Tommy Lee Jones, Pamela Anderson.
[00:12:50] I didn't have sex with Pamela Anderson.
[00:13:00] We should do a J of K re-watch sometime.
[00:13:08] Yeah, but it's all about like how that...
[00:13:09] There's like the secret gay sex cult in New Orleans.
[00:13:13] There's a scene where Joe Pesci and Tommy Lee Jones are being real sus.
[00:13:15] They got like gold paint all over their bodies and stuff.
[00:13:47] My man did have a face like an old lesbian.
[00:13:53] Did you mean dogs or were you thinking something else, Adam?
[00:14:17] Same bulldog, saying say say say say say say say.
[00:14:21] Is it like, it's like a whole of water or something?
[00:14:23] No, like it's a wall that retains water.
[00:14:26] The same story of the little Dutch boy who puts his finger down.
[00:14:33] Yeah, and that's that they took their name from that.
[00:14:38] Because what a dyke does is they prevent things from getting wet.
[00:14:41] My dad used to use that story as an analogy to teach me things growing up and I always
[00:14:58] But in the Netherlands, they use dykes to reclaim sea land.
[00:15:03] So they make the country bigger by building these walls and holding the water back.
[00:15:09] They'll fuck their ash if they do that, right?
[00:15:15] Why don't we have that shit in New Orleans?
[00:15:17] Well, we're actually going to do that for Lower Manhattan because...
[00:15:22] Yeah, it's like the plan for Lower Manhattan is to build a sea wall.
[00:15:27] The Army Corps of Engineers did something bad, I guess.
[00:15:37] It's supposed to be mad at the Army Corps.
[00:15:47] Being in the Army and being in the herd.
[00:15:50] So the Army Corps of Engineers, fuck them.
[00:15:53] Yeah, I call them the worst responders.
[00:15:59] That's my punk band, the worst responders.
[00:16:29] We wear tight clothes even though my body is 85% fupa.
[00:16:47] They all have like, they all have substitute female P-E-T.
[00:17:07] We're talking about punk bro, like real poor punk.
[00:17:09] I'm talking about, yeah, the vast majority of like punk guys you see.
[00:17:13] Who were probably in a shitty band when they were 18.
[00:17:16] They have like some checker print like Scott belt.
[00:17:20] Do you ever sit going to the side hard out all over the place?
[00:17:22] Do you ever see that guy going around D.C. Ian, I forget his last name.
[00:17:27] But he was like the last of the, not Maki.
[00:17:34] No, no, but he was one of those discord guys but he's like the last of them that's like,
[00:17:40] And he like fucks 22 year old girls and stuff.
[00:17:42] And he's like dream is to be like a physically repulsive, disgusting old man that fucks 20
[00:17:53] Yes, but I think I turned it off because of Jewish because they talk too much.
[00:17:57] I don't think Woody Allen's funny and I never have.
[00:18:06] I never, that's never been a thing that's affected me because I don't give a shit about
[00:18:11] I've never heard his special from the 60s.
[00:18:18] And it was in the 60s when no one exactly.
[00:18:21] It still feels like comedy when it's like everything else.
[00:18:28] Lenny Bruce might as well not even be speaking English.
[00:18:30] Lenny Bruce is like what I imagine French comedy to be.
[00:18:35] Remember they tried to make that French comedian like happen in the States a couple of years
[00:18:56] Because that guy's anti-Semitic, Seinfeld wouldn't bring him over.
[00:19:03] He was like touring clubs and so I was in DC when he was there.
[00:19:13] And he has like movies and shit like that.
[00:19:16] I mean, how about Seinfeld and it's black Seinfeld?
[00:19:28] I know that from fucking Cohen Brothers movies.
[00:19:34] I remember there's a line where he goes into like a hotel or something.
[00:19:37] He's like, behind the desk, some shines blowing a bubble the size of a war.
[00:19:45] Well, describe a black guy is a shine blowing a bubble to apply.
[00:19:53] Oh, I thought he was blowing like a bubble gum.
[00:19:55] No, he's like, he's like, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:20:08] He's describing him like, you know, that's just talented.
[00:20:12] We should speaking of we should do a long goodbye rewatch to never seen it.
[00:20:17] Do you see titties the less we do together the better?
[00:20:23] Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob because he's dick is small.
[00:20:30] It's fun because we haven't hung out in two weeks and it's funded to push people away.
[00:20:37] I'm sorry I went home to see my family.
[00:20:42] And it cut it, it cut into our hang time.
[00:20:48] Also shout out to Tiger Woods, the goat, a win for side pussy everywhere for people that
[00:20:54] get side pussy and pass out on painkillers everywhere.
[00:20:57] Oh, for me, it's a win for victims of female on male domestic violence.
[00:21:12] I mean I was going to do a thing about how was a win for victims of female on male domestic
[00:21:21] Which I mean when I was under, under, under, yeah, yeah, one of the most under reported
[00:21:25] types of domestic violence, Tiger Woods is.
[00:21:29] For every man who's hit constantly by his wife or girlfriend.
[00:21:37] That she's like, he had to get his thumb reattached.
[00:21:44] She like, you sure one of his rings didn't get infected.
[00:21:45] You know, she was like, he beat me and every woman's like, we need to kill Johnny Dabbie.
[00:21:50] You know, and then he went to jail for I think seven, seven years.
[00:21:55] And then he came, the story comes out that she's like just horrifically abusive and people
[00:22:00] Yeah, but she beat like her like old girlfriend, right?
[00:22:12] It sounds like the world's just kind of broken and it's nice.
[00:22:16] Johnny Dev's life sucks in general though, because he's addicted to castles.
[00:22:23] He like his money people are like, please stop buying like, like French estates and stuff.
[00:22:32] Nick Cage has also addicted to castles.
[00:22:34] No, he's like dragging skulls and shit and castles.
[00:22:37] Yeah, that's why he has to make all the shitty movies.
[00:22:43] They're just like, I'm not paying my taxes.
[00:22:47] If I was in Nick Cage's position where like every year I got seven offers to be in movies
[00:22:53] and all of them were bad, but I'd get at least, you know, fucking $500,000 for it.
[00:23:00] They're like somebody's kidnapped the president's Garfield comic collection.
[00:23:06] Now I have to use tarot cards to get a pen.
[00:23:10] The wizarding coming straight to Netflix.
[00:23:17] Next, you know, I would do it in a fucking hard.
[00:23:33] He killed it also in no one to Spider-Verse two.
[00:23:35] Three years ago, I would like I would be upset about something like that for months that I
[00:23:39] paid $4 to rent a movie and had to return it before.
[00:23:43] Like if I went to Redbox and I like didn't get a chance to watch something.
[00:23:52] I miss Redbox because it was a big Donald.
[00:23:55] So you get a little sum off the dollar menu and get a movie.
[00:24:13] So you would prostitute yourself for a dollar?
[00:24:20] I can do what I want with your body for $1.
[00:24:23] You can have one lick of my cock for a dollar.
[00:24:35] Oh, I guess you didn't have long distance phone calls to make.
[00:24:42] Did you have like calling cards for that?
[00:24:50] He would just pay like $70 a month to have long distance calls.
[00:24:57] Well, long distance calling was such a fucking rip off.
[00:25:00] Because it's like I think by the 90s...
[00:25:05] There's no way there's any kind of like late...
[00:25:07] Like I don't think even in the 50s, it's not like it's costing the phone company a lot
[00:25:12] I mean, there's people that are staffed and those like switching centers and like...
[00:25:15] There's a lot of connections that have to happen.
[00:25:19] The fact that when the cell phones came out, they were like, oh well, for long distance
[00:25:26] I want to fuck a lady that works in one of those switchboards.
[00:25:30] It's just taking your dick out and putting a bunch of different holes.
[00:25:41] Yeah, that's like gay way people used to say their phone numbers.
[00:26:01] Have you gotten the cat vaccine or something?
[00:26:12] Dude, so, oh, speak of anti-vax, so the Jews infected New York with measles.
[00:26:23] I think you've got to do that before I had to.
[00:26:25] Listen, I'm on top of this, and I have to be the first to apologize on behalf of those
[00:26:31] Maybe everyone who doesn't have a measles mic vaccination should have a little armband
[00:26:35] or something, so we know who to kind of stay with.
[00:26:39] I don't know, something that's really bright.
[00:26:45] You know what we should also do with them is put them in camps and gas at the end.
[00:26:53] No, no, no, I mean just quarantine them in a camp where we tell them that they're going
[00:26:58] We tattoo numbers on them to keep track of how many Jews we've caught so far.
[00:27:14] We re-establish Nazi Germany, and we bring all...
[00:27:19] I understand from a public health perspective what you're saying, but I think you're using
[00:27:24] I remember seeing a Nazi propaganda film one time where it's like, you know, they go...
[00:27:30] It's like some, you know, like trying for the world?
[00:27:32] No, I don't think it was trying for the world.
[00:27:34] It was just some other like Nazi Germany, you know, propaganda film, but they go into
[00:27:39] like a Polish ghetto and they're like, this is these...
[00:27:44] Yeah, and they're just like taping these like Jewish families, I guess.
[00:27:48] But like, I guess the Jews don't realize they're part of a propaganda film.
[00:28:03] Are there any like anti-gay guy propaganda?
[00:28:12] Stranger like, look at what these men are doing and how...
[00:28:14] This is a stranger danger, one from the 50s.
[00:28:18] Those men out there that suffer from a sickness.
[00:28:21] And then it's like a gay guy, like just, you know, cruising in his fucking Apollo.
[00:28:26] Being like, would you like a ride to the soda jet?
[00:28:30] These men may seem friendly, but their intentions are devious.
[00:28:55] And he told me he wanted me to get you into it because he didn't know how to bring it
[00:29:04] I guess I'll get in if this is what Pop wants.
[00:29:08] But he tries to convince you that your dad's gay.
[00:29:16] But if you suspect your dad is gay, please report him to the House of Un-American.
[00:29:37] And he was Donald Trump's lawyer as well.
[00:29:46] Stop putting you know I'm allergic to cats.
[00:29:56] I'm doing it the way my arm naturally moves.
[00:29:58] No, you're whisking it in my direction.
[00:30:01] If I'm just moving my arm naturally, it does it naturally.
[00:30:10] If you understand anything about the mechanics of the shoulder joint, you would know.
[00:30:16] This is as my arm moves this way, it just goes that way.
[00:30:20] It's not my fault if the hair is blowing into your face because of the way my shoulder
[00:30:28] If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with fucking Neil deGrasse Tyson or
[00:30:36] Checking out turtles Cox and seeing what's different and what's the same.
[00:30:44] You think he ever got pussy over on the Galapagos?
[00:31:03] Dude, we got to go the Galapagos Island.
[00:31:16] Human beings have always eaten pussy and suck dick, right?
[00:31:23] Like cavemen, it must have, they must have given it a shot.
[00:31:26] Yeah, they, they, I, because that monkey put his dick in a fall.
[00:31:39] At least it wasn't affirmative enthusiastic consent.
[00:31:46] Cavemen never had affirmative enthusiastic consent.
[00:31:50] You think there was ever a horny cave woman?
[00:31:54] You think there was ever a horny cave woman?
[00:31:57] But do you think they're, oh, yeah, really?
[00:32:24] I was telling my family when we did the birthday candles, I wish Stav and Nick were here.
[00:32:30] And they were like, stop bringing them up.
[00:32:33] And they said, what did you have their parents' phone numbers?
[00:32:37] And then what do you bring these up every time we have dinner?
[00:32:41] You literally could have called my mom and she would have had a pleasant chat with your
[00:32:47] I told you know what I told your mom before I said buy in Baltimore?
[00:32:51] I was feeling, I kind of it was a little over the top, honestly.
[00:33:10] We had a nice brunch with the baby, dude.
[00:33:20] I like how much you guys can do bits without your mom really understanding them.
[00:33:33] We talked about having sex with each other.
[00:33:36] We've got a lot of issues inside of us.
[00:33:43] You've been sailing there for a nine-year years.
[00:33:47] We said, we've watched that sometimes in terms of watching people and watching them.
[00:33:50] Over the weekend, we all came across and it was Casino Pass.
[00:34:02] I took my rolling backpack and yeah it's a backpack with wheels that extend all the
[00:34:14] way to the ground while you're wearing it.
[00:34:18] You can wear it where the backpack and still still be one of those wheel assholes.
[00:34:28] That's a lot of wheels to call me back the day in Vegas.
[00:34:33] I always wanted a rolling backpack that was never allowed to have one.
[00:34:46] Yeah, those kids to kick their rolling backpacks.
[00:34:49] What happens when a bully gets a rolling backpack?
[00:34:52] Well the only people that ever bully me in high school were.
[00:34:55] We got a hammer and a hammer and a hammer.
[00:35:16] I'm just wheeling around a mashed potato bar.
[00:35:23] I would like a contraption that puts a sneeze guard around your head.
[00:35:28] And then you wear a thing that attaches to suspenders that's like an entire buffet setup
[00:35:36] So you just sort of reach around yourself and you got some sausage links over here.
[00:35:45] I could turn a little switch to a potato ring.
[00:35:52] My head is the sneeze guard and then the top is one of those 70s aesthetic ceiling fans
[00:36:02] So you got a real Denny's sort of look too.
[00:36:11] I'm so mad I don't have that right now.
[00:36:14] Sizzlers had a big moment in the 90s in stand-up comedy for like...
[00:36:23] I've never got a couple of sizzlers over here.
[00:36:26] No, they'd be like, you're going to get us kicked out of the sizzler.
[00:36:42] Well, I think sizzler was a reference and then sizzler went out of business so like in
[00:36:49] Although they still have them in LA which is jarring.
[00:36:59] They would have that block bust around sunset and fucking...
[00:37:05] Start to really curve south where it meets...
[00:37:23] Isn't East Hollywood like south of my dick?
[00:37:25] I thought East Hollywood is on the other side of the highway.
[00:37:29] I'm thinking of East LA which is a neighborhood.
[00:37:33] Yeah, but that's on the other side of downtown.
[00:37:42] If you guys want the address, if you want the address of where Brandon lives.
[00:38:04] I was from Santa Monica for like nine years.
[00:38:05] It's a completely different place than like where all are friends live.
[00:38:09] No, it's so far from like anyone we know lives in like fucking on the East side.
[00:38:20] I was on drugs that whole time I was there, dude.
[00:38:23] Your boy was gone off the edibles in the mushrooms.
[00:38:29] When I went with the last go round where I went on the floor.
[00:38:32] I don't have to work all day and then we record the show.
[00:38:37] You guys left and I was still stuck in Los Angeles.
[00:38:46] On the weekends I had nothing to do so I would just go sit in the library by myself.
[00:38:51] Yeah, I remember you were like, go do something.
[00:38:54] You're like, I wake up, I get the newspaper.
[00:38:57] Did you get into getting the newspaper on then?
[00:39:00] No, I have no idea what you're talking about.
[00:39:02] I thought you were telling me you'd go read the newspaper.
[00:39:06] Maybe for work you would go through like news stories.
[00:39:08] I absolutely did no work outside of work itself.
[00:39:12] But let me think about it, that never happened even once.
[00:39:18] No I do remember being in the library one time though and I was just chilling and reading
[00:39:23] and I heard like from, because you know the homeless people just congregating the library.
[00:39:28] And like just out of my sight I guess there was a couple of rows of books away.
[00:39:33] I just hear one of the librarians like, sir, sir, you are not allowed to smoke in here.
[00:39:46] Like that's so much less defensible and even beating off.
[00:39:54] The reason they have a homeless problem is because it's like always 65 degrees.
[00:40:01] There's really no reason for homeless people to be indoors in Los Angeles at all.
[00:40:05] They're like, oh, there should be a homeless shelter for these people.
[00:40:09] Yeah, just give us some nice beds on the beach.
[00:40:12] You've already given them most of downtown.
[00:40:17] They have the best neighborhood in the city.
[00:40:25] Yeah, I remember when I walked by one of those tenless tent cities on mushrooms.
[00:40:30] I thought it was really cool and I didn't freak out at all.
[00:40:38] We live in a pretty little think-ass country, man.
[00:40:42] There's a motherfucker who's in some homes, dude.
[00:40:46] We should take mobile homes away from old people.
[00:40:49] We should take RVs away from old boomers.
[00:40:54] What's it called when you seize, so the government seizes something?
[00:41:07] And we give them a new, that's a new state.
[00:41:31] Things are a little different around here.
[00:41:32] You better look out before you get shot up.
[00:41:42] Why don't you just be quiet, smart guy?
[00:41:44] Did you guys have Mexicans in Maryland?
[00:41:48] Well, like El Salvadorians and Peruvians.
[00:41:50] I mean, I guess I'm sure there were people that were Mexican, but I remember Mexican
[00:41:59] But it was also in like the West Coast too.
[00:42:02] When I moved to Texas, people would be like, oh, that's neighborhoods all Mexican.
[00:42:11] Yeah, that's how great people were like, oh, fucking Mexicans.
[00:42:19] And yeah, the East Coast does have way more like, way more.
[00:42:24] I was, I was really cool with, I was really, I was cool with the Mexican kids in my high
[00:42:30] school, like the guys, but the girls like absolutely despised.
[00:42:34] It's all hard to show about how you're the coolest guy in your high school.
[00:42:40] I mean, family, we were homeless and I was the coolest guy in high school.
[00:42:44] All the like, cholos in my high school, like the Smiths a lot.
[00:42:52] I had no idea what emo was until I college.
[00:42:57] I was talking to this, this girl one time, this like attractive girl.
[00:43:04] But then she goes, she goes, she's like, yeah, high school was hard for me because it
[00:43:07] was like, you know, I was like friends with a lot of the popular kids.
[00:43:09] But it was also like, you know, I did have friends that were like smart and then to like,
[00:43:16] And it was like, oh, yeah, that sounds really hard.
[00:43:18] Yeah, you were cool and popular, but still smarter than all of your friends.
[00:43:23] What a rough, what a rough position to be in.
[00:43:27] It sounds like you had a fucking really bad time.
[00:43:29] Sounds like you never had to learn how to post on the internet.
[00:43:32] I was like, you know, I had to call someone that and we're on a fucking four.
[00:43:41] Yeah, I was cool, but didn't get any pussy.
[00:43:47] You went to a magnet school also, right?
[00:43:52] No one was like, no one was in the same neighborhood.
[00:43:54] Yeah, there was, yeah, there was a cool kid.
[00:43:56] There weren't people would get clowned in Baltimore for being smart.
[00:44:00] So it's like everyone would get clowned in your neighborhood, like for going to Polly.
[00:44:06] You didn't even have sports at our magnet school.
[00:44:11] It's so funny how low the bar is set for being smart in comedy.
[00:44:17] Um, well, I mean, it's just like, I think smart.
[00:44:26] It's I mean, smart literature, but that's not like, I mean, it's not, yeah, it's just,
[00:44:32] The smartest thing about me is that I watch, uh, entertainment.
[00:44:40] Did you just say this thing so that we could talk about how you're smart when I started
[00:44:44] this by saying the bar in comedy is so, no, I was saying that to illustrate how, how
[00:44:53] We knew the one smart thing that I know, which is Josephus Flavius.
[00:44:58] And I probably got it wrong earlier in that.
[00:45:00] I just probably use a character from, um, gladiator, baby.
[00:45:27] Me and my dad saw both Troy and gladiator spangers.
[00:45:33] You don't like it at him because you don't understand what it means to be a man to make
[00:45:40] Yeah, you just don't understand that kind of stuff.
[00:45:45] He mercs out that giant character you would be in the movie.
[00:45:55] I fucked up playing both sides and being fucked by everyone.
[00:45:59] You're pussy absolutely filled up by different types of.
[00:46:08] So you can continue your slave existence.
[00:46:14] There's nothing wrong with being a slave.
[00:46:16] Neil pussy is like a Neopolitan scream of cum.
[00:46:24] Your Achilles is a gravity his strong guy Achilles Slavic looking friend that Achilles
[00:46:31] beats when his nephew accidentally puts on his or puts on his armor and they think it's
[00:46:42] Did you see Alexander with Colin Farrell?
[00:46:45] I just saw the stills of Rosario Dawson's tits.
[00:46:49] There was a big Greek people were pissed when Alexander came out because they made a gay
[00:46:55] and they were like how dare he he was a fierce warrior.
[00:47:12] It was the empire extended all the way out there.
[00:47:34] The Trailblazers Thunder game is on right now.
[00:47:49] When Nick step refuses to step back from that ledge, maybe the pipe.
[00:47:57] Our girlfriend's will make us start up on their podcast.
[00:48:01] No woman tells me what to do except my mother.
[00:48:18] The crew of just like former FFL guys, you know, which FFL French.
[00:48:43] Like any single requirement I would not have been.
[00:48:48] All of I would fail, all of the physical paths.
[00:48:53] I would be performing worse than the like Senegalese guy that, you know, doesn't even
[00:49:02] I guess whistling through a coconut, a lion or...
[00:49:08] Yeah, they have a real language and culture that I respect or whatever.
[00:49:22] the place they're doing down in Senegal.
[00:49:31] See, I say these things in sound races, but I know a lot about Senegal.
[00:49:44] That's really all you need to know about Senegal.
[00:49:45] Honestly, knowing two things about any random country is pretty impressive.
[00:49:54] Like identifying trait, I guess, is that they usually look like pirates.
[00:50:03] We're starting to get into physiognomical traits.
[00:50:06] What do you mean they look like pirates?
[00:50:07] I'd go over to Acon is what I would say before we start talking about sculls.
[00:50:13] I'm talking about the shape of the skull.
[00:50:15] They've got kind of a pirate look to them.
[00:50:23] They sort of look like Captain Morgan a little bit.
[00:50:29] Like if you put a parrot on the shoulder of a Senegal-Acon.
[00:50:40] You would look like a faggot who likes birds.
[00:50:53] We've got to rob these guys, but we've got to make them think we're not intimidating.
[00:50:57] So let's dress up like a bunch of queers.
[00:51:00] And then they'll think we're just out on international waters having gay sex.
[00:51:06] So everybody put on a bunch of fancy birds and jewelry.
[00:51:10] Like, oh gentlemen, our ship is broken down.
[00:51:14] Like, oh good sir, seems about full of queers.
[00:51:25] It was pirates that got stranded there and just over time slowly just became gay men.
[00:51:41] Just like, you know, we would be if, you know, whatever.
[00:51:46] That is, yeah, the pirates literally were like rappers.
[00:51:51] It was so gay when people were doing talk like a pirate.
[00:51:58] Some people in my old office were like, it's talk like a pirate day.
[00:52:02] Like one of the bosses was doing it all day long.
[00:52:05] Out of me used to love stuff like that.
[00:52:08] This is why you remember it is because you loved and now you're just like swallowing hard
[00:52:15] and remembering how much you participate.
[00:52:20] Does anyone remember talk like a pirate day?
[00:52:25] Made all my cool friends in high school hated.
[00:52:32] We all listened to the Smiths and we were in a Mexican gay Smith listening gang.
[00:52:37] It was weird because they were all homophobes, the Mexican kids, but they loved this gay
[00:52:49] Yeah, he's like the gayest man of all time.
[00:52:51] He's so gay he won't admit that he's gay.
[00:53:03] What if there's an interview today or whatever?
[00:53:05] The interview is like asking more say like as a gay man, how do you feel?
[00:53:09] Do you feel responsible with the community with your art or whatever?
[00:53:13] I was talking about all my songs are about girls.
[00:53:33] What was I just going to say about Morrissey?
[00:53:38] Oh, you know who else people say is gay, hauling oats?
[00:54:13] Yeah, my family was fucking shaming me for being skinny.
[00:54:31] Well, bro, we can get some dinner watching basketball.
[00:54:36] Ah, fuck with your little claws, bitch.
[00:54:48] There's a bug in the sink that I think she killed.
[00:54:52] Don't they put it on your chest after they kill him?
[00:54:57] I thought cats like kill animals and then drop the dead carcasses on your chest.
[00:55:02] That doesn't happen with this cat, so I don't know.
[00:55:06] I was just wondering if that was that kind of kill?
[00:55:40] We should hire a guy to let us beat the fuck out of him.
[00:55:42] Yeah, we should get some type of animal that we can do it to.
[00:55:45] Like a lion whose claws and teeth have been removed.
[00:55:53] he could probably see the punch on him.
[00:55:55] Well, yeah, I mean, there has to be some element of danger.
[00:55:57] So you go in and you're in a room and the lights are all off,
[00:56:19] So what we do is we put the lights on, but we put a blindfold.
[00:56:23] The lights off, but then we get laser pointers to shine into the lines.
[00:56:29] One of us sees on laser duty and the other one has the crowbar.
[00:56:34] And then just in case there's also like a machine gun.
[00:56:43] The one who's got the laser is also working back up machine gun duty.
[00:56:47] We're all like sweaty and showing up to an open mic or like the stand there and people
[00:57:02] Beating an endangered species to death of the crowbar.
[00:57:06] What's your least favorite endangered species?
[00:57:13] I mean, that Jews aren't endangered species.
[00:57:19] They're endangered, but also of least concern.
[00:57:30] The ranking of like animals have their own like amber alert system.
[00:57:34] So, there's like endangered, like, engendered.
[00:57:45] Yeah, they throw the bee on that motherfucker.
[00:57:51] I was actually thinking of getting an apiary the other day.
[00:58:05] Decided I'm going to be mansion and a backyard of greenhouses.
[00:58:09] Man, it'll just be, I'll grow orchids in there.
[00:58:13] I'll sit around and I'll grow orchids and draw them while I'm being stung by bees.
[00:58:18] Because that's how you get better at drawing.
[00:58:20] Is there has to be an element of pain and pleasure?
[00:58:26] Nothing like getting stung on the cock by a bee.
[00:58:32] Adam is wafting his forehead at Nick in seemingly in retaliation.
[00:58:39] At the time it was hurting my feelings, but when Nick in Melbourne just kept farting in
[00:58:49] He got you like five times zero in the greenhouses.
[00:58:51] I was just like a bit senses every time.
[00:59:01] It was legitimately like six or seven times.
[00:59:05] It was seeing like it was watching brilliance happen.
[00:59:25] It was awesome because I was laughing right away.
[00:59:28] But then Josh who was just like trying to be professional and polite by the force on the
[00:59:38] It was interesting to see how quick Josh just joined in in the walking Adam thing.
[00:59:42] Look you got when you get farted in your face five times in a row.
[00:59:51] Josh Armstrong of New Zealand via Australia.
[01:00:03] In the fucking clubs in the New Zealand clubs.
[01:00:12] Go around calling yourself after a bird.
[01:00:40] They mean their underwear is like that good that it's the fruit of the loom.
[01:00:58] I thought they meant that your cock and your pussy was the fruit of the loom up until now.
[01:01:05] There's a gynecologist by where I used to live called Hem of her garment.
[01:01:21] How would that relate to God is it a him isn't a him the seam.
[01:01:24] Maybe a seam is the pussy of the female body.
[01:01:29] Isn't what it isn't that what a him is or is a him the end of the garden.
[01:01:33] Nick you want to get you want to get a foreskin reattachment surgery with me.
[01:01:45] Like that rebooted for 2020 the odd couple.
[01:01:59] One of my favorite Simpson's joke is is fucking Homer and Skinner are like having to share
[01:02:10] And he's just got this shit all over the place and he's eating off his stomach.
[01:02:15] The Skinner comes up in a maid outfit and he's like, you know, we're kind of like the original
[01:02:21] You're the messy one and I'm the and then Homer just goes, Shut up.
[01:02:39] Why do you, what's with you saying rewatch?
[01:02:40] You've said it four times this episode.
[01:02:42] Dude, I'm kind of, I'd slipped three hours last time.
[01:02:47] It's just when I hear a word multiple times.
[01:02:49] The hem is the very, it starts to bother me deeply.
[01:02:55] I have to, again, it comes as serious issue in my life that I've heard something more than
[01:03:01] It has been three times and the hem is the very bottom folded edge of a place of clothing.
[01:03:06] Mostly your clothes have at least one hem in them.
[01:03:08] At the end of your sleeves, the bottom of your shirt.
[01:03:15] Her garment is her pussy and the hole is the hem.
[01:03:21] But why would you name a gynecology officer?
[01:03:29] Put the fuck, since when do gynecology offices have names?
[01:03:43] Hem of his garment gynecological shirt.
[01:03:52] And then his, the doctor's name is Vinet Tummings.
[01:03:56] This is like her office was like right by Clinton Hill by where I used to live.
[01:04:08] The importance which later Jews, especially Pharisees attached to the hem of fringe of
[01:04:12] the garments was found upon the regulation.
[01:04:15] The numbers 1538 numbers 1539 which gave a symbolical meaning to it.
[01:04:25] His garment is the pussy and the hem is the pussy hole.
[01:04:29] So it's a, it is a Christian gynecology.
[01:04:34] I knew that God created the pussy and Vinet is checking out your hem.
[01:04:47] Sounds like a guy named Vinnie transitioning.
[01:04:51] That guy wears nothing but fucking three piece suits.
[01:04:54] I think he's off work from Vinet is a woman.
[01:05:00] You know, I, yeah, I should have been black.
[01:05:04] That's what black nerds used to have to do before, before anime was imported in the
[01:05:08] If you were black nerd prior to 1985, you had to just become a gynecologist.
[01:05:12] You're the word really hard to cause because it caused me.
[01:05:16] Yeah, this guy, look, this man, he's not going to fuck.
[01:05:18] He's just going to have to study the pussy.
[01:05:21] You know, if they didn't have anime, that's all they had.
[01:05:27] One day I'll get the fuck pussy and then I'll be ready.
[01:05:32] I'm going to become an intellectual of the pussy.
[01:05:35] And then the CIA put anime in the inner city.
[01:05:42] The CIA put anime in the inner cities to make them stop studying the pussy.
[01:05:48] That's the plot of Cowboy Bebop, I think.
[01:05:53] Remember that they would put anime on Adult Swim?
[01:05:59] It's like if you like a talking thing of French fries, you'll love a cartoon that you
[01:06:09] The thing is they were right a lot of times.
[01:06:11] I had plenty of people who watched both.
[01:06:18] Like I was in like the, you know, like a bunch of gay shit.
[01:06:28] I've been watching Wonder Shows and again.
[01:06:35] You see the video of that preacher showing his congregation.
[01:06:39] Wonder if they're children of God, then what do they do next?
[01:06:51] I mean, as like, that must be so satisfying to be one of those guys and see that video.
[01:07:02] Have they made shit after they did Wonder Shows?
[01:07:06] Vernon Chapman, he wrote on Louis and South Park.
[01:07:24] It's too late to say anything else on the topic.
[01:07:26] It's already been established and it's correct.
[01:07:35] We've had my office look into the issue and it turns out he is in fact gay men.
[01:07:54] This press conference is now commenced.
[01:08:14] We're getting in the car for driving five bucks away.
[01:08:18] We're getting in the helicopter and we're having gay sex now.
[01:08:23] I'm going to track Marlior's statements.
[01:08:25] I'd like to once again emphasize that Adam is the one who is gay.
[01:08:31] I'd like to be in a press conference but not talking but just be one of the wives that's
[01:08:38] This press conference is about the discovery of the video of Jesse Smollett having sex with
[01:08:48] It's a video of Jesse having a penetrative anal sex with a white Chicago police officer.
[01:08:55] Then at the end they're like, you know, he's like, now all I need you to do is fake a hate
[01:09:01] So somebody killed the cop and then we can take a vacation together.
[01:09:06] We can take our romantic vacation together to Paris.
[01:09:19] You know what they used to do in the 50s?
[01:09:30] One boyfriend would adopt the other boyfriend.
[01:09:33] But one would have to be older than the other.
[01:09:41] If we were together, I would be the daddy and you'd be the baby.
[01:09:47] You had to be the baby, but I'd fuck you in the ass.
[01:09:52] I would be a well, I would be a misbehaved baby.
[01:09:55] No, if you don't listen, then you'd be punished.
[01:10:00] I would hold your twink ass down and fuck you.
[01:10:04] I'd make you sit in the corner and make you wear a dunce hat.
[01:10:08] I'd be a fucking nightmare, dude, if you were my dad.
[01:10:12] When did they get rid of the dunce hat?
[01:10:17] That used to happen if you were bad in school.
[01:10:22] You were stupid, sir, because you imagine like when they started special.
[01:10:43] Years later, we found out that he was actually what the doctors are now calling mentally retarded.
[01:10:51] Remember when I was a little kid, my mom would tell me that's a like retarded guy.
[01:10:56] I was a retarded kid in her neighborhood and I'm like, yeah, like you would just go by
[01:11:00] their house and you would hear his dad just beating the shit out of him in a garage.
[01:11:06] I remember it was like something about like the sound of like staple guns she couldn't
[01:11:11] She's like, it reminded me of the sound of like fucking this retarded kid being fucking
[01:11:18] Just really getting the worked over in there like a fucking lion.
[01:11:24] And having the misfortune to be one of our training sessions.
[01:11:29] While the X-Men animated series theme is blasting.
[01:11:33] We just get a fucking storage unit in Queens.
[01:11:38] I think a lion in there is a family moving shit in between apartments.
[01:11:48] Yeah, that's one of the best songs of all time.
[01:12:01] The power rangers song is way too intense.
[01:12:25] Why do you get, why do you, why do you do that?
[01:12:31] Do you see they were doing like a fake article about how those guys lied about getting,
[01:13:06] No, the power rangers scene was just over the top.
[01:13:09] Damn, they started going to space and all that other bullshit.
[01:13:30] I saw myself as more of a Jason figure, the Red Ranger.
[01:13:34] And therefore I wanted to fuck Kimberly.
[01:13:43] Maybe that's like a fucking seed from blues clues as a pedophile.
[01:13:51] Well, I think they had pressure to reassign the colors.
[01:13:54] Like the Jason one had to be like blue and the black guy couldn't be black anymore.
[01:14:22] You know who killed the weight on the weight of my house?
[01:14:37] You invented the Goodyear Blimp company.
[01:14:53] And then no way do I elaborate on the joke to tie the two things together in any kind
[01:15:00] Well, Caitlyn Jenner killed someone before she changed.
[01:15:02] That was more of a joke than a car accident.
[01:15:10] You might as well be like, you know who killed him?
[01:15:20] It would be as random as the thing you said.
[01:15:33] Maybe I'll start doing this, sleeping two hours and just drinking seven coffees.
[01:15:57] I think you've been good in general over the last couple months.
[01:16:04] I had a good one about Tiger Woods being the victim of...
[01:16:08] Going a week without hanging out with your friends probably has some kind of bearing
[01:16:18] Look, we all said our priorities ourselves, but I think that somebody who cares so little
[01:16:24] about their friendships that they're going to take an entire week off to go quote unquote
[01:16:29] see their even more quotes coming family unquote unquote.
[01:16:35] It wasn't even a week for a quote unquote week to celebrate my birth month.
[01:16:40] To celebrate my quote unquote birthday.
[01:16:43] Much we already had a birthday party for you for.
[01:16:46] Well, I had a New York birthday and then I had a loss of Vegas birthday.
[01:16:55] Sounds like you went to Vegas to gamble on our friendship and you've never been against
[01:17:05] I would never gamble on our friendship.
[01:17:13] Whatever is going to happen, whatever is going to stay.
[01:17:16] You've tried to take it back and it's too late.
[01:17:20] You played hot and cold with our friends.
[01:17:39] I took a flight in the middle of the night to be here.
[01:17:41] Don't even you love doing that because it saves you money.
[01:17:47] The only reason you haven't taken a red eye in years.
[01:17:55] I take like the six-am flight wrap together.
[01:18:00] I booked her for a red eye because she needed to be there.
[01:18:02] And then you lied about being a veteran to get the flight change for a lower crop.
[01:18:12] I joined up after I saved people in the rubble.
[01:18:14] You should have told them your name was John Cena.
[01:18:17] No, they knew my name because they had my credit card.
[01:18:20] But you should as long as you're lying.
[01:18:22] Adam Friedlin is the name I have to use on travel documents so I can get harassed by fans.
[01:18:31] No, it's actually his real given name is John.
[01:18:38] But his first name on his birth certificate is John.
[01:18:52] John Cena guy get killed over two dollars.
[01:18:58] You ever see any real action in this world?
[01:19:03] But in Vegas, you ever see a real game of chance?
[01:19:19] Sir, she's going to show her full pussy on the full pink.
[01:19:28] And then inside of the pussy is going to be Michael Jackson.
[01:19:48] What are we going to eat when we watch basketball?
[01:19:51] That's a knock-off of a lot of you boys.
[01:19:56] In the 2017 film, which is a modern reboot, Trini is played by a Latina American singer
[01:20:07] So she's still, she's not played by a Chinese anymore, but they continue.
[01:20:12] So she's a Latina now named Trini Twi or Twa-Kwon.
[01:20:20] In the 2017 film, which is, no, she looks a Latina.
[01:20:26] All right, I understand you want to end the podcast.
[01:20:32] You're doing hand signals at everybody.
[01:20:39] I was going to read off the Wikipedia page anyway.
[01:20:44] I'll be right back before we're even done.
[01:20:50] All right, well, I feel like I've been bad today.
[01:22:01] I don't believe that you are a true Simpsons.
[01:22:42] We're going to hopefully have some more live dates.