Cum Town | Premium | 12/11/2016
[00:00:00] I want to do that thing where the podcast starts, but people are already talking.
[00:00:07] They're at the end of the story and they're having like a, everybody's laughing already.
[00:00:13] Well, if they have stationary microphones, we could probably do that.
[00:00:16] But since these are handhelds, it would be weird for us to hold them up and talk without
[00:00:22] But I just think that that's like the coolest way to podcast for us.
[00:00:54] I just, I import the audio file and it looks like a bunch of fucked up like bits.
[00:01:00] And I figure out the way that the code forms a swastika in the middle.
[00:01:07] And then that's when it's highlighted in red paint.
[00:01:09] And then you save the file and then I upload it.
[00:01:14] The secret swastika is hidden in come town.
[00:01:18] Oh, we stole that bit from World Peace.
[00:01:30] I used to work for TBS as their like head swastika checker.
[00:01:49] I thought he was like a Mussolini brown shirt.
[00:01:57] That's why the show is called Who's the Ball.
[00:02:07] It was almost like offensive how bad it was.
[00:02:10] It would be on and like- We've been on for like 10 years or something.
[00:02:15] But the jokes would hit and you'd be like, oh God.
[00:02:27] It made you feel sort of sick to watch it.
[00:02:40] And then he gets a job being like a house like a house.
[00:02:44] He cleans the house for a rich lady who's like a Murphy brown type.
[00:02:49] And then one of them is a- That hot lady.
[00:03:02] Is it illegal to beat off to porn or not porn, but to beat off to like someone who is 13,
[00:03:13] I don't know if it's- It's not like you can get called with a bunch of child porn and
[00:03:17] be like, ah, ah, ah, this is from 1993.
[00:03:21] So technically, this is, she's old enough to be your older sister pal.
[00:03:27] Why don't you get out of here, creepersoid?
[00:03:29] It is illegal to beat off to someone who's subsequently died.
[00:03:41] There's a lot of porn stars that have died.
[00:03:53] You're doing a Hampton Yout bit right now.
[00:04:03] And now I will do the bit on the podcast.
[00:04:13] What's it called when you fucking cite something?
[00:04:15] That's not often I've like plagiarized.
[00:04:22] That's where you shoot a Tommy gun all over the air.
[00:04:27] There's a pickle on top and it's a poppy seed bun and mustard.
[00:04:37] They should just call it Chicago lasagna.
[00:04:41] I would be much happier if you were telling me that was a style of a pizza.
[00:04:54] I've had some good chicken oil and the cheese is good.
[00:05:08] But you know, that's just a difference in shape.
[00:05:10] You know, that's like the Wendy's burgers.
[00:05:15] I mean, like if all the styles of pizza, New York's pretty good.
[00:05:19] But I think we can all agree the best style of pizza is comment ping pong pizza.
[00:05:27] Because it's got a secret ingredient in the back room.
[00:05:32] I made a joke yesterday on Twitter about how the Roberta's in Bushwick, which is like
[00:05:38] another fancy pizza place in Brooklyn, is now doing Pizza Gate.
[00:05:43] And then someone sent me a link to a Reddit.
[00:05:51] You're doing a Hampton's bit and you're doing the alt-right pizza.
[00:05:55] No, they had a Hillary fundraiser there.
[00:06:00] So people are saying that now that's a music.
[00:06:03] You're going to hear this is and this is this is the source of this.
[00:06:06] I have an amazing pizza gate story that you're not going to find online.
[00:06:11] I was working with this guy the other day and he's like, man, I've got this like, he's
[00:06:16] like, you know, he's like, if you heard about this pizza gate thing and I'm like, oh,
[00:06:20] I'm like, it's the funniest shit in the world.
[00:06:23] And he goes, yeah, this kind of fucked up thing happens.
[00:06:24] He's like, one of my friends actually works at that restaurant and he like works at Comet
[00:06:30] And I was like, holy shit, you got an inside source?
[00:06:32] If you like asked him about it or whatever.
[00:06:34] And he was like, uh, no, this like fucked up thing happened where like me and all my friends,
[00:06:38] I guess their friends from college were in a group text and we're all texting and we're
[00:06:42] like, you know, Oh, hey, like Kenny, like, you know, uh, hope everything's all right or
[00:06:47] And then Kenny's like, uh, yeah, everything's fine.
[00:06:50] Like, uh, you want an autograph or something?
[00:06:53] And they were like, ha ha, I guess, but you know, that's kind of scary or whatever.
[00:06:57] And then they're like all talking about other shit.
[00:06:59] And then eventually that person's number was like, seriously, what the fuck is this group
[00:07:03] And they were like, uh, they're like, is this Kenny?
[00:07:07] And I guess the guy's number had changed.
[00:07:09] So it's not their friend that works at Comet Ping Pong Pizza.
[00:07:12] She's like, this is a Matty Ziegler or something.
[00:07:16] And they look it up and it's a 13 year old girl who's like the star of like, I don't
[00:07:23] It happened to change it to her number.
[00:07:25] And she thought that they, these were like fans that got her number somehow.
[00:07:29] So it's guys texting someone who works at Comet Ping Pong Pizza about Pizza Gate, but
[00:07:33] it's accidentally a 13 year old girl's phone number and they're texting her about pedophilia.
[00:07:40] And I'm hoping that this is like some bombshell thing that blows up and it gets even bigger
[00:07:44] because they accidentally texted this star child about pizza gate.
[00:07:58] What if what if they killed the guy and gave it to one of the children, his phone to one
[00:08:06] You don't have to tell anyone what happened.
[00:08:09] And if anyone asks your Kenny, if you get any kind of group text about cocaine, your name
[00:08:23] Working at holding down Comet Ping Pong.
[00:08:25] I think we should just keep implicating to different pizza restaurants.
[00:08:29] We should tell the alt right that like every Bertutchees.
[00:08:36] Will and I were joking around last night, we're like, yeah, famous original raise.
[00:08:39] You know how there's like 25 of those in New York City?
[00:08:43] Like tell them that's that's pizza gate.
[00:08:45] They'll just go around to every single one.
[00:08:48] Well, they're all coded like Papa John's.
[00:09:03] They're saying that pizzeria is Uno also one an Italian?
[00:09:10] I always, I was like, why is it supposed to be like a Mexican pizza restaurant?
[00:09:21] Italian and Spanish are basically the same language except you swap all the E's for
[00:09:53] That big concert that like I heart radio concert.
[00:10:01] What do you have to do to just pick up shit for them?
[00:10:06] So I didn't even, I didn't even, I didn't even get to see Justin Bieber.
[00:10:10] That was the fucking one reason I took the job.
[00:10:13] So who is now dressing like me circa 2009, by the way?
[00:10:19] Dumb ass aviators and yeah, he looks like exactly like I looked.
[00:10:29] Fucking cheating on his girlfriend because it's funny.
[00:10:38] Justin's going to be stealing all of his jokes.
[00:10:49] We'll just talk about it because Brandon will hear it.
[00:10:56] Well, he told me he stopped listening to come town because we talk about him every single
[00:11:02] Which we haven't talked about him for like two and a half, three months.
[00:11:04] Also, that's be the only reason he would listen to anything.
[00:11:07] He's trying to pretend like that's a selling point.
[00:11:12] Here's how we get him to subscribe to the premium.
[00:11:15] I'm going to title this one like a real Brandon Wardell shit talk.
[00:11:29] That's what he gets for stealing my didchy sleigh joke and putting it on Instagram.
[00:11:36] Well, he thought you were extremely offline.
[00:11:42] Once you go offline, once you log off, Brandon feels like it's his for the taking.
[00:11:48] Yeah, he did your sucking off a horse, sweet.
[00:11:53] The one that did big numbers five years ago.
[00:11:58] But he told that on the tonight show with Jimmy Fallon, actually.
[00:12:16] It's like a fucking ski wear company or some shit.
[00:12:31] His friend harasses me on the internet too.
[00:12:36] I had like a, I was having a normal conversation with her and then I went out to smoke a cigarette
[00:12:42] and then she tweeted, oh, first night out in weeks.
[00:12:46] And the first thing I have to hear is some man tell me that he has a friend who has a
[00:12:50] podcast called Chappo, which I was just like, Will told me he met her.
[00:12:55] I was like, oh, my friend will from Chappos that he met you.
[00:12:59] Yeah, we should clear the air because this, this, she is a piece of shit for doing this.
[00:13:04] I met Darcy, fuck her stupid MTV blog job, whatever the fuck she does.
[00:13:11] Like I swear to God at least seven times because I forget every time and I'm like, oh, who's
[00:13:20] And then I look it up and then I'm like, oh, this is bullshit.
[00:13:26] Show is says like, you know, like I hate men, but I need them.
[00:13:32] You know, it's a shittier version of the women you can't live with them.
[00:13:41] That's the flaw in that joke is you can totally kill them.
[00:13:44] Wait, is that you can't live with them, can't live without them?
[00:13:47] No, it's the joke is women, you can't live with them.
[00:13:51] Is that like a bumper sticker type joke?
[00:13:56] I'm trying to get it into the bumper sticker.
[00:13:58] Can you imagine how rich the guy that came up with that stupid coexist bumper sticker
[00:14:03] He just says, it was the Koch brothers.
[00:14:07] That would be so awesome if that paid for like the electric truck.
[00:14:11] Well, I've been I've been wetting my dandies with all this coexist money about about a
[00:14:26] It's the only work in plantations still in existence down here.
[00:14:31] Do you think they would let like insati Arabia?
[00:14:35] Do you think like those guys who go over just have slaves there?
[00:14:39] If you're really into slaves, you got a solid style plantation slave back.
[00:14:42] You can do that in Liberia if you're the Firestone corporation.
[00:14:47] They just had a fucking there's a frontline about it.
[00:14:55] But in plantation doesn't necessarily mean that slavery is happening.
[00:14:59] But they had like a rubber tree plantation, the Firestone corporation in Liberia and they
[00:15:06] There's literally like a big house, you know, where all the white people live.
[00:15:10] The people who work for the Firestone corporation.
[00:15:13] Then there was some kind of civil war in Liberia.
[00:15:17] Although like people who work for Firestone were like, please help us.
[00:15:28] Got on a helicopter and abandoned all these people to be slaughtered.
[00:15:36] I mean, they were getting like arms cut off and shit, right?
[00:15:45] The CEO of Firestone is now the ambassador to Liberia.
[00:15:49] But he's the secretary of don't do slavery.
[00:15:55] We have George Zimmerman as the secretary of not shooting black children.
[00:16:05] Aaron Glaser is the secretary of not raping people.
[00:16:14] He generally works at one of the apple stores here.
[00:16:17] And he like someone says he looks like sling blade now.
[00:16:40] You can't look like that at apple store.
[00:16:41] I guess he's got a weird hat hair and he fucking shaved or some shit.
[00:16:46] So, dude, I'm just reporting back what I who said this.
[00:16:49] Who is so bad at owns that that's their fucking go to reference and it's completely
[00:16:58] Let's just say it was Ian just to make fun of him.
[00:17:09] I have so much trouble saying sling blade.
[00:17:12] I do the fucking Chinese L.R. thing like half the time.
[00:17:21] You remember the way some four call it a Kaiser blade.
[00:17:27] Dwight yokems character in that movie is so fucking funny.
[00:17:37] His primitive threat to his wife is that he's going to get his bad back together.
[00:17:48] Dwight yokems is also a country singer and a actor.
[00:17:51] No, I mean, yeah, I mean, he's known as a country singer.
[00:17:55] He was in like that David Lynch movie, right?
[00:18:01] He played a big worm that sucks your dick.
[00:18:05] That's what my favorite David Lynch movie is doing.
[00:18:09] I've heard that take, but that's a very Brooklyn kind of bullshit.
[00:18:14] That's been my opinion since because I don't actually like David Lynch.
[00:18:22] Isn't it about, isn't it about like, I don't like Tim Burton, you know?
[00:18:26] Oh, that's, but that's completely different.
[00:18:27] I know it's, well, I'm saying it's in terms of, I don't like Tim Burton, but I like,
[00:18:38] Like, like, I like having scissor hands.
[00:18:44] Mars attacks is one of my favorite movies.
[00:18:52] And I fucking don't like any of his other movies, but that, in Mars attacks is something
[00:19:00] I thought they were, I thought they were kind of stupid.
[00:19:01] I like when, I like that, I like when the Joker and his crew just vandalizes the museum.
[00:19:16] There's rap songs where like they brag about being a badass and one of the brags is like,
[00:19:24] And I think on the freeway without wearing a seat belt.
[00:19:30] So I remember being in high school and hearing like two or three songs where people would
[00:19:39] Somebody was bragging about having brunch with the mayor, which just sounds gay.
[00:19:44] That's just every, that's every, I got so much power.
[00:19:51] Those black album, every Jay Z song is like, Basque Picasso.
[00:19:59] Why is every rapper just decided Basque out was the best painter?
[00:20:21] I swear to God, I thought stomp was about 80s.
[00:20:24] They were like, I conflated those two things my whole life.
[00:20:27] I thought stomp was about age and they were like doing fucking garbage can.
[00:20:45] This is obnoxious cultural obsession with cats, but it doesn't extend to the cats musical.
[00:20:50] You would think cats would be doing great right now.
[00:20:53] People are like, no, we want actual cats.
[00:20:56] For 35 years, we wanted men dressed as cats.
[00:21:12] Like I said, if I'm spending money at the theater, what I want to go see is that Gloria
[00:21:24] That's one of those other things that I've got to name like 35 times I can't remember.
[00:21:28] Do you like the Miami sound machine and Gloria Estefan?
[00:21:33] I was just hoping that it would end the same way Selena does.
[00:21:36] To make sure you have an ending for the...
[00:21:38] They didn't have an ending for the Gloria Estefan musical.
[00:21:41] Because they're like, how about you just get shot by her as a big fan made.
[00:21:46] Yeah, she was the head of the Selena fan club.
[00:21:49] And then, yeah, she hired her, which is a fucking ridiculous move.
[00:21:55] I hear it's one of the worst places in America.
[00:22:01] I was staying in a fucking motel there.
[00:22:04] And they had one of those Gideon's Bibles in the hotel.
[00:22:10] It was a shitty motel behind a motel or motel six.
[00:22:16] And I was splitting the room with two other comics.
[00:22:26] I was looking at the Bible and I thumbed through it.
[00:22:29] And in the beginning of the Gideon's Bible, they have, I guess, what is it, Matthew 20?
[00:22:40] Yeah, Preach is fucking, you know, word or whatever.
[00:22:46] But then it said Arabic and then someone had like torn out where it had it in Arabic.
[00:22:56] Yeah, Corpus Christi has jack shit, dude.
[00:23:02] And then people like earnestly brag about the fucking water burger that has an elevator
[00:23:08] And they're like, have you seen that water burger that's got two stories?
[00:23:22] Two floor fast food places are nothing.
[00:23:30] But also if they're like little towns, it's like, that's like the cultural center of that
[00:23:36] Every town now is Starbucks, which is why fucking conservatives have to...
[00:23:41] They've hacked out all of their cultural warfare at Starbucks.
[00:23:46] I love that the war on Christmas is translated from...
[00:23:49] Transmogrified from being a thing where it's like, oh, they're not saying happy holidays.
[00:23:55] They're saying happy holidays, not Merry Christmas at Starbucks.
[00:23:57] Now it's like, either you write Trump on the cup or I'm bringing my gun in here.
[00:24:03] This has nothing to do with Christmas anymore.
[00:24:06] It's like, I don't want healthcare and you better find the reasons.
[00:24:14] You better take my fucking healthcare away, Starbucks.
[00:24:19] Do not treat my pre-existing conditions.
[00:24:22] And it's like they wouldn't be going in there unless they wanted the coffee.
[00:24:28] It's not how you boycott something is by filming yourself having a temper tantrum next to
[00:24:35] I'll write my name on this John Legend Christmas album.
[00:24:43] And then also put something about the Jews.
[00:24:51] My friend's mom used to buy him CDs from Starbucks because she thought it was cool.
[00:24:54] And we'd be like, who the fuck is Sarah Borrelius?
[00:24:58] Who the fuck is the king of everything?
[00:25:02] You know what I want to do is a CD compilation called Adults Pop.
[00:25:09] And get to have adults sing them and then we add like swears in there.
[00:25:15] It's like the wheels on the bus, motherfucker.
[00:25:28] But then an additional track over it where I just say like fucking shit.
[00:25:36] You should legitimately release Adults Pop.
[00:25:44] I want to do because this episode's kind of whatever so far.
[00:25:51] I'm tired of like stressing out about it.
[00:25:55] You can't do our job and Adam keeps interrupting me.
[00:26:06] I'm tired of what we're going to do to make up for it.
[00:26:08] If you're listening to this premium episode right now and you got to hold me to this.
[00:26:12] Remember, if I don't do this, you got to, well, it's really you'd have no option.
[00:26:18] But I started doing it last year for Christmas as a present to you is the Carol of the Bells.
[00:26:32] I think we definitely 100% should do Christmas.
[00:26:39] Well, it's also it's not like somebody's going to be like, I have to have it in time
[00:26:47] It almost be funnier if we put it off till February.
[00:26:50] This is when we added that the boom, boom, boom, suck my dick, suck my dick, suck my
[00:26:58] Yeah, we're doing that on the train last year.
[00:27:05] I like on I like 12 days of Christmas, but every time it's and a partridge sucking my
[00:27:17] I'm just like, and just do that the whole time.
[00:27:20] I've been doing in like a, in like a diminutive Guatemalan immigrant voice like police suck
[00:27:48] Draydle, Draydle, Draydle, I fuck my mom and dad.
[00:27:53] Draydle, Draydle, Draydle, I made you out of jizz.
[00:27:55] No, Draydle, Draydle, Draydle, I fuck my dad, I'm gay.
[00:28:06] It's fucking decked out Christmas style.
[00:28:10] Yeah, my room is essentially a fucking sat.
[00:28:12] We'll just record it in my little restaurant.
[00:28:17] That's what we call that in the business.
[00:28:19] How do I soundproof that shit so I can beat off more fuel?
[00:28:26] You take a little trip to Home Depot, get some spray foam.
[00:28:33] Hey, you want to do some home improvement at my house?
[00:28:39] I want to make a fucking blender station for my damn smoothies.
[00:28:45] Well, what I want to do, if I get the Vitamix, I want to do it.
[00:28:46] I want to wall mount it in a recessed wall alcove.
[00:28:51] So the blender is perpendicular to the wall recessed.
[00:29:00] And then you just drink out of the tube.
[00:29:05] You say that as a bit, but I want that.
[00:29:08] The ignorant ways I would spend money if I had a lot of it.
[00:29:12] We gotta figure out how to get the Chappo Patreon is now up to like 28,000.
[00:29:21] They're getting like two kia... two kia's... two like Han-dae Sonata's a month.
[00:29:29] Yo, if we got that money, we should just buy two Sonata's and just crash them every month.
[00:29:36] I tell you this, guys, tell your family.
[00:29:38] If you hit me up, I'll send you a high res version of the come town logo.
[00:29:42] You can print them out at your local library.
[00:29:46] They can't do anything if you don't pay anything.
[00:29:48] No, if you go to the library and you print something and you're like 50 cents, please.
[00:29:53] You go, what did you call the fucking cops?
[00:30:12] We're gonna boost some money up to $28,000 a month.
[00:30:15] We're gonna spend all the money on cars and have destruction derbies completely unsanctioned.
[00:30:22] We're gonna smash the cars into each other.
[00:30:27] So we collect the payout and guess where that money goes right into more cars.
[00:30:32] I think we can get like 20 cars by the end of our insurance scam.
[00:30:36] Once the money starts compounding on top of it.
[00:30:40] Then we get a guy inside at the insurance company.
[00:30:42] Now we're taking little points off the back end.
[00:30:51] I really want a big TV to watch the Sopranos again.
[00:30:55] Dude, Band of Brothers is the best thing that's ever been on top of it.
[00:31:00] There's no miniseries or anything that's ever been as good as Band of Brothers.
[00:31:03] It's so much better than saving Private Ryan.
[00:31:05] I agree that it's better than saving Private Ryan.
[00:31:07] But I don't think it's better than Sopranos.
[00:31:09] Well, you can't compare the two because Sopranos is a six season show that was like...
[00:31:14] And saving Private Ryan is a three hour movie.
[00:31:16] Yeah, but Band of Brothers is in the exact same fucking category.
[00:31:21] It's about the same exact thing as saving Private Ryan.
[00:31:27] And I think if you scale Band of Brothers up to six seasons...
[00:31:31] Seriously, isn't Vindise on Band of Brothers?
[00:31:35] Band of Brothers is Donnie Wahlberg, Ross from Friends.
[00:31:52] Yeah, because he's like a real anal, retentive piece of shit.
[00:32:03] He's the original Jewish company commander that gets edged out for being Jewish.
[00:32:09] I mean, that's literally what happened.
[00:32:15] They don't like him because he's Jewish.
[00:32:22] I didn't know until recently the guy who played Bane.
[00:32:39] He was a skinny cute boy back in the day.
[00:32:42] Stop used to beat off to him back when he was illegal.
[00:32:48] I think I'm just going to become gay, dude.
[00:32:53] Out magazine named me one of the 11 plus size men redefining male beauty.
[00:33:03] That's actually been the top of the album.
[00:33:16] Why are you fucking because you should have thought of no celebrity.
[00:33:24] What is it about being fat and gay that you just turn into a certain type of guy?
[00:33:38] I think they're the funniest people that we're here.
[00:33:44] But like a real fat, Jim is very different.
[00:33:48] He's the only one that I know of that isn't like that.
[00:33:51] Well, Tim looks like he just let himself go.
[00:33:57] He's probably going to get it back for show business.
[00:34:08] We have a, it's super preliminary, but we might have a Caroline show coming up.
[00:34:19] Well, it's, I don't know if we would just be a taping.
[00:34:21] I don't know if we would keep the showcase format because, you know, with an audience
[00:34:27] that size, I'm already kind of weird about taping people's sets.
[00:34:32] I think we should just do a straight podcast.
[00:34:36] I mean, Lewis will talk about it and figure out how we want to do it.
[00:34:42] I would podcast Q&A session if you want to come out.
[00:34:47] Yeah, we're going to be, uh, try to give away free merch if we can.
[00:34:53] I found the high res version of the show logo.
[00:35:00] That is exactly what that's how you, he did lose it.
[00:35:04] My fault, Microsoft OneDrive, which is a piece of shit, by the way.
[00:35:09] It's their iCloud and it deleted everything, everything I've written, every episode of
[00:35:15] the podcast, everything on my fucking hard drive.
[00:35:18] Because when it has like a sync error, if like one file is dated wrong, they're like,
[00:35:23] I guess I'll just delete everything and start over.
[00:35:26] And I would sit there and watch in real time as it deleted all my shit.
[00:35:30] One time I was working for a fucking, I had an internship at a nonprofit, my senior year
[00:35:38] And my, the Dropbox was synced to my computer and I wanted to download like, I don't fucking
[00:35:45] I think I wanted to like legitimately, I think it was duck hunt, like where you just like
[00:35:50] with your mouse, it wasn't even funny, you didn't even get to shoot it.
[00:35:54] So I just thought I was deleting the shit from my computer for the Dropbox.
[00:35:59] And I deleted everything on the share drive for this whole nonprofit.
[00:36:04] And I had to just pretend like I didn't know what happened.
[00:36:14] The Montgomery County round table for education.
[00:36:19] And I just pretended I had no fucking clue what was going on.
[00:36:24] I literally did the exact same thing at my internship in college, but I had a project.
[00:36:29] I was working on all semester and I lost that project.
[00:36:34] And I told them that the hard drive, it was a hard drive malfunction.
[00:36:46] No, it's just they paid me all semester.
[00:36:55] I got that job I interviewed in this bitch thought I was like the best, the best candidate.
[00:36:59] And then I just got there and I just never did shit.
[00:37:02] Just made coffees with like eight sugars in them.
[00:37:07] I work for the Lower Colorado River Authority in Texas.
[00:37:12] And it's like a huge organization and they manage a dam and then they like keep track
[00:37:18] all this wildlife and then they have all these like energy concerns or whatever.
[00:37:22] And so I was temping for their HR department, which was like a known company in Son and
[00:37:28] I was like fucking, you know, giant fucking building.
[00:37:31] And I worked the front desk and like the first day there they were like, yeah, so we have
[00:37:37] This isn't like a security position, but like basically you're responsible for making sure
[00:37:41] people don't, you know, just walk into the office.
[00:37:44] So like the way you do that is, you know, somebody comes in, if they try to walk past
[00:37:47] you go, excuse me, can I help you, you know, stop them or whatever.
[00:37:51] And then just figure out who they want to see, call back to the desk and then have them come
[00:37:54] up because for security reasons, we can't have people walking back there.
[00:37:59] And I was like, you know, you know, like what if, you know, somebody works here and they're
[00:38:10] Finally somebody comes in sky with down syndrome.
[00:38:15] And he just starts your first day first day.
[00:38:21] And he just like, like, won't look at me and just blows right past.
[00:38:25] And I'm like, well, I guess that's how terrorism happens.
[00:38:30] I'm not going to fucking goods manhandled.
[00:38:34] I guess his job is collecting the garbage out of the cubicles.
[00:38:38] I would hear him and he would go into the woman's behind me's office and I could hear
[00:38:44] a she go, we go, well, how are you doing today, Don?
[00:39:00] And then she'd be like, you're sneaky Don.
[00:39:04] And he would just go in this woman's office and flirt with her all.
[00:39:08] And then he would like come out and then look at me and then just fucking mean mug me.
[00:39:17] Well, he could know you just that, you know, he gets territorial about the woman he's trying
[00:39:26] He's still with someone with sexual impulses and the inability to filter it through, you
[00:39:32] So it's okay for him to just go in there and share it.
[00:39:36] The mentally handicap, probably fuck good.
[00:39:38] I don't know if they fuck good, but a lot of them have massive digs.
[00:39:43] I remember in gym class, there's this kid Robert.
[00:39:51] In gym class, can you imagine how great that must have been for him?
[00:39:54] They're having to suffer through math and they're like, Robert, do you know what a plus sign
[00:39:59] And he's like, can I just show everyone my dick?
[00:40:01] Yeah, I remember the like, no, Robert, you have to do math right now.
[00:40:04] He's like, I just want to show people my dick and do beats of strikes.
[00:40:18] I remember one time he was just walking around the locker room naked and everyone was like,
[00:40:24] look at his dick and he was just loving it.
[00:40:26] We're all laughing and having a really?
[00:40:32] I think that's actually it's like an interesting, it's like, evo biology is that what happens
[00:40:39] is during, you know, the gestation period or whatever, your stem cells are recognized.
[00:40:45] They're like, okay, there's like a serious, you know, problem and like the neurological
[00:40:51] systems here like this person is going to be born retarded.
[00:40:54] Let's just try again with the next one.
[00:40:57] Make the dick and balls as big as possible.
[00:41:01] And then maybe the baby won't be retarded.
[00:41:05] It's so easy to just like, let's just try.
[00:41:07] I thought it was the unused brain matter that gets wrapped up as dick that that's probably
[00:41:15] I know what you should do is you should find a pair of retarded twins, right?
[00:41:18] There's a giant hot water under their brains.
[00:41:23] Drill a hole in their skull and pour hot chocolate directly on their brains.
[00:41:28] Let's see if they dream about Christmas.
[00:41:31] If I pour hot chocolate directly on the brains of the twins, we're going to inject calm into
[00:41:37] their eyeballs and see if they make little eyeball babies.
[00:41:41] Dude, how easy it must have been to be a Nazi scientist.
[00:41:46] I mean, they made a bunch of cool shit.
[00:41:49] That's why we gave them jobs after the war.
[00:41:51] They probably had cool weapons to make a business.
[00:41:55] I mean, what use is fucking US or Soviet Union going to have for Mengele?
[00:41:59] But you know, Vernivon Braun, the jet propulsion lab.
[00:42:03] He was the dude that did experiments on twins and Auschwitz.
[00:42:09] You were in that slayer song, Angel of Death?
[00:42:15] No, Slayer's not Nazis, but they get kind of close with that song.
[00:42:19] It's just like all metal is like, you know, they're just obsessed with it.
[00:42:23] It's supposed to be like a horror movie or whatever.
[00:42:26] Slayer is no more a Nazi than fucking, you know, the director of a fucking, I don't
[00:42:34] I thought you were going to talk about Lars von Trier, who do you remember?
[00:42:41] He said a bunker in his bunker, just sitting there with a gun.
[00:42:47] I think that it's like, yeah, like I think it's, I think it's kind of beautiful.
[00:42:53] He's saying that fucking, uh, Kirsten Stewart's like sitting next to him and she's like,
[00:43:10] And I think he was like, I was, you know, it's a weird, you ever think about, about
[00:43:29] That would be a pretty good, just a bunch of Steven Dorfs.
[00:43:33] Did you guys ever see Minnie Mee's dick?
[00:43:36] Oh, everyone's like, Oh, he's got a big dick and it was small as shit.
[00:43:40] Well, like, Dorfs have like, uh, bigger dicks proportionally, right?
[00:43:52] Dude, he had a little ass dick and it was like just some like off brand ass playboy
[00:43:59] There's a mini Mee sex tape out there guys.
[00:44:00] If you want to check it out, that stops pick of the week.
[00:44:19] And I was shocked that I swear to God, I thought but Joey Butterfuca was the one that got his
[00:44:27] I honestly, I've never seen a single celebrity like porno.
[00:44:33] You know, actually I saw the Ray J Kim Kardashian one.
[00:44:42] Where he's driving the boat with his dick.
[00:44:45] So does Ray J. Ray J. continues far too long.
[00:44:50] And you can barely see and also I remember being so non-plus at that porno.
[00:44:56] Yeah, because it's filmed in a weird angle.
[00:44:59] It's from a like, it's from above her head.
[00:45:05] He's definitely a guy that gets off on watching himself.
[00:45:08] He's like licking his lips all the time.
[00:45:10] And it's like, you said, it makes me mags.
[00:45:14] I love that scene in American Psycho where he's fucking flexing.
[00:45:25] Well, you're going to put yourself a personal high five while you're getting a blazer job?
[00:45:33] What are you talking about is clapping by the way? Yeah, well no, it's a high clap
[00:45:37] It's just one high clap over here. That's clapping dude
[00:45:43] It's pretty cool. No, I'm celibate. You don't never fuck again. I've decided so I am too
[00:45:49] I fucked up. I didn't do the notes list for this week. I tried to but then I was like well what happened
[00:45:55] I'm like all the news. Yeah, the news is gay. Yeah, I'm stupid. That's CIA reports today. Yeah, that says it what?
[00:46:03] That they had actually good. No, they had the
[00:46:14] Good organization that didn't you know invent a crack epidemic and do you stay?
[00:46:19] Can't you in countries? Yeah, yeah, no, I'm just talking about the cool ones. You know a rack had weapons mass structure
[00:46:26] Let's stop pretending like they didn't yeah
[00:46:29] Yeah, that intelligence for Iran is sixty two they managed to hide the weapons of mass destruction
[00:46:35] That's why we didn't find them the rack war wasn't a mistake. Absolutely not. Oh, yeah, we can all back
[00:46:43] We should have we should have taken over Iraq expanded their borders to include the entirety of the Middle East and then staged
[00:46:52] The insurgency after we did that and then continue the war against the new Iraq greater Iraq
[00:46:58] Which is the entirety of the Middle East including Israel especially Israel especially. Yeah. Yeah, well if we'd let goddamn MacArthur
[00:47:06] Well Patton a patent will a general patent go in and invade the Middle East after after the war ended is that we wanted to do yeah
[00:47:15] Like drink with the Russians at the end of the war
[00:47:19] Yeah, he was like, I don't trust these they're asiatic. They're not white
[00:47:28] Which like the US would have lost that war 100% absolutely we would have not won that fucking war if we went to war with
[00:47:36] Could have but I mean what kind of what was our ability to deploy nukes in those and like the Manhattan Project was fucking huge
[00:47:44] Yeah, yeah, I mean maybe they could have rapidly developed them
[00:47:47] But as far as like the continuing ground war would go on the Western Front the United States would be fought
[00:47:51] He just would have throw I mean he just doesn't give a fuck about throwing peasants of people. Yeah
[00:47:55] We would have just got yeah, was it 20 million or 25 million Russians died. It's pretty funny. Yeah, he's like you just
[00:48:02] These probably even have guns and shit. They're just like yeah, just punch. Yeah. Yeah punch nazis with guns
[00:48:09] Yeah, where's it stalling grad or letting grad they deserve to pick our president is what I'm saying
[00:48:16] The Russian people go through they their vote should count more than yours. Honestly
[00:48:22] You some fucking piece of shit graphic designer
[00:48:25] Never done anything in your life, and you're gonna say some Russian guy who was trained for the Olympics starting at age two
[00:48:32] Yeah, they blew out his knee at 17 now he works in a factory making poison that he has to drink
[00:48:39] He shouldn't get the pick who president is I
[00:48:42] Disdrink he should yeah, absolutely have we we've hated all the countries should vote for each other's presidents that way
[00:48:49] It's fun, dude. That would be fun. That would be fun. It's democracy and it's still a new world order
[00:48:54] Yeah, Brazil would just be like those girls with the fucking headdresses. No, it would be Mike in Brazil
[00:49:05] Come on he's the most important and famous Brazil a lot of foreign policy
[00:49:13] I love her Trevor Noah for South African
[00:49:24] Yeah, dude, I have we only we were cool with them during Yeltsin, but that's pretty much it
[00:49:29] Your rush on yeah over the last hundred years. We've hated each other pretty much the entire except when they were fucking up the Nazis
[00:49:36] Well kind of that was like that was like kind of enemy of my enemy right yeah, but there I mean while that was going on
[00:49:43] They would meet and hang out and shit, but they were boys with Hitler, you know
[00:49:47] They like but then Hitler fucked them or some model fucking yeah
[00:50:00] Their polyponesians, but you might recognize their sauce from Chick-fil-A. Oh, that's some good sauce
[00:50:05] Yeah, that's the best one a chick-fil-A. It's not the best one, but it's a good it's a good like so I think you go Chick-fil-A sauce
[00:50:11] Polynesians it's actually it's a Greek word. So the Greeks. Yeah, and poly means many and Niezians means Niezians
[00:50:18] Niezians it's like amnesia where you can't remember shit. So poly means many memories. It's Greek Polynesian means memory
[00:50:24] So it's a historical vacation spot. It was like the Disney world of the Byzantine period. Mm-hmm. You're like all Byzantine
[00:50:31] What's that well? That's interesting. Let's go into that Dan car. Yeah style. Yeah, so I'm gonna down
[00:50:36] Byzantine that's like you know hands off my ducats. Well, no don't touch my bitch
[00:50:40] It's like business is my business. Yeah, so
[00:50:43] What the business would their business is there about that money? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
[00:50:48] So basically it's the tourism businesses would yeah, yeah, that was that was the king and
[00:50:58] Les lesbos the Isle of Lesbos. Yeah, that's where lesbians it is dude. Yeah, we're eating each other's pussy's back back in the day
[00:51:06] Yeah, yeah, yeah, Greeks just did nothing. That's my history. That's why that's why Greece
[00:51:10] I mean similar to the United States why Greece fell is because they had democracy and it was great
[00:51:14] And then everybody started fucking each other they became very cool with like, you know fluid gender identities and stuff and then well
[00:51:22] That's what people say. That's what's gonna happen here. Yeah, I mean you let anybody who wants use the bathroom next thing
[00:51:29] Abortions aliens come and and decimate the United States
[00:51:33] And we can't do anything about it because we're too busy going to the bathroom people who don't believe in like space Romans the trans people
[00:51:40] Are real though are much better at fighting than people that do. Yeah, yeah, that's what's so funny about like
[00:51:46] All these people protesting the election
[00:51:49] And it's like we got one of the counts and stuff and it's like if you actually let Hillary win the election the Civil War they'll kill
[00:51:56] Yeah, yeah, those are the guys that would actually they already have the guns the guns that you're afraid of yeah
[00:52:03] Yeah, no the militia guys will kill you they'll take all your resources and you know you kind of deserve it
[00:52:08] I think if it because then at that point you were wrong all those fucking you know
[00:52:12] You're watching reality shows about preppers or whatever, you know, I go look at this dumbass and all of his soup
[00:52:18] And then what happens yeah, you get shot in your tiny little dick. There's no soup for you asshole
[00:52:39] Fuck that's the world I want to fucking live indeed. Yeah, dude you got that Vitamix just think how good you'll be in the apocalypse with that
[00:52:46] Get some sticks some pebbles put that shit in there with some like vanilla extract you got yourself some ice cream
[00:52:52] Absolutely, but the pebbles is this machine basically you need to get a generator that's a generator
[00:52:59] That's gender hitter run that thing gasoline powered indoors get that me a pussy carbon for not set kill yourself garage style
[00:53:10] Yeah, I had a really weird dream last night. Oh, yeah
[00:53:13] Yeah, I dreamed and I think that this might might be a good idea for corporate America
[00:53:19] Mm-hmm, but I had this image that stuck with me for my dream of like a Chinese iPhone factory
[00:53:25] But everyone in the factory is sitting on toilets
[00:53:29] So it'll like up their worker productivity so they don't get bathroom breaks
[00:53:34] So they're just like literally building phones and taking shit
[00:53:38] Eventually you would just prolapse your asshole if you did that you can't sit on a toilet for eight hours a day
[00:53:43] Well, no, you bring the seat back down and then you sit on
[00:53:46] Have so they fucking they weren't making more diapers well they should diapers
[00:53:51] That's they have if they give everyone a diaper in the iPhone factory
[00:53:55] I was laughing for like an hour and a half yesterday imagining different races coming into a bathroom and using the
[00:54:05] Japanese guy coming into a bathroom and he like you know bows at the urinal and then he takes his shoes off
[00:54:11] And then he takes his pants completely off like folds of the meatly perfectly. Yeah, yeah, I put some above
[00:54:21] Like an Indian guy and like a really cool silk paisley shirt
[00:54:25] Mm-hmm, he's just like what is up my guy
[00:54:27] He's very excited to be in the bathroom and he's just standing at the urinal arms akimbo and he just starts pissing his pants
[00:54:35] It's just it's just like being cool so you
[00:54:40] Forget the coolest man or it's like a black guy with his pants sagging and then he takes like 30 seconds on do his belt
[00:54:46] And then he just pulls his pants down like literally a millimeter
[00:54:53] I was laughing to imagine like a bathroom and a guy to urinal and he's got his pants all the way down his ankles
[00:54:59] Like other guys come in and they start laughing at him and I'm like oh, and he's like oh, yeah
[00:55:03] I watch this and then he just starts shitting all over the floor
[00:55:07] Out of his house and like the guys are like cool
[00:55:11] Yeah, that is I would respect them what time I saw a turd in a fucking urinal and I just like
[00:55:22] You look at that and you're like prank or homeless
[00:55:26] Which one is yes, this is a good bit or sad as hell
[00:55:32] Pissed yesterday on the fuck I had to piss so bad
[00:55:34] I just waited for everyone to leave the subway platform after my train before the people for the next train came just
[00:55:40] Quickly pissed and right as I was pissed you pissed on the tracks
[00:55:44] I just pissed on the platform at the end of the platform and the kind of the little I don't want to walk all the way
[00:55:48] You can piss in between the trains if you want
[00:55:50] You can yeah, you just walk in between the trains in between stations could take a nice long piss
[00:55:55] Hmm that's not bad. It'd be great if you missed time at two
[00:56:12] Dude going to the bathroom is so fucking funny I had a trans people want to take it away from us
[00:56:17] Do you want to make it so straight people can't go to the bathroom?
[00:56:20] Right to also shit in the urinal dude wait to trans people in the south have to dive up is that like they're only
[00:56:26] I guess North Carolina's fucked them completely so North Carolina trans dude if I was a trans person in North Carolina
[00:56:32] I would fucking shit in every dressing room
[00:56:35] God like oh yeah, I why couldn't use a bathroom so I'm sorry I had to shit on the floor of your dressing room
[00:56:40] Are they allowed in dressing rooms? Yeah
[00:56:45] Then even better I would just wear a dress and then shit directly in the floor in the aisle pretend
[00:56:50] I'm looking at DVDs or something and then just shit while standing up and then be like I've made my purchases
[00:56:55] And just step over and walk out step on it. Yeah, this mirror your focus
[00:57:00] I was in a Walmart one time nice 12 shit in the on the floor
[00:57:04] In the aisle where in the Walmart in New Hampshire nice. Yeah, it's nice. No no matter where you go Walmart is like
[00:57:10] Trash like it's I heard Walmart's coming back in what sense but from what they started paying
[00:57:16] Yeah, when were they when were they ever here so like Walmart?
[00:57:21] Like turned into like in a lot of towns because they're so understaffed like the they'd like turn
[00:57:28] People were getting a lot of complaints that there were like no
[00:57:30] Products on the on the shelves and that lines were insanely long they'd have like one register over
[00:57:36] Yeah, they wanted to like for like a you know 50,000 square facility have like three people working on time
[00:57:42] And then they just decided that they were gonna raise wages and increase the amount of workers and they're seeing increased profits
[00:57:49] That might be some bullshit like yeah, where did you hear that?
[00:57:57] He's fucking boring ass facts. I'm expecting you to riff on it or say something. Yeah. Yeah, actually they're just doing well
[00:58:06] Give me the people show off the podcast while you're you were explaining that zero no a hundred
[00:58:12] You're out there and you stop listening because that will they wouldn't hear this
[00:58:15] No, they wouldn't think they would instinctively turn it back on their friend would yeah friend would let them know
[00:58:20] That they could tell when it wasn't gay man those show notes are gonna be so important
[00:58:27] We don't really do politics stuff, but there is so much going on during the election and now it's like
[00:58:33] What do you what do you talk about? Yeah? I mean we talk about how it's funny that Ben Carson is fucking
[00:58:38] That's politics. Oh, yeah. Can we not talk about politics? Oh man?
[00:58:41] I wanted to talk about a rival and how it's suck, but then I'm like yeah movie sucks and then we don't really have a follow-up
[00:58:49] It's just a bad movie. We should go see cats dude and review it
[00:58:52] I could never review TV or like movies or whatever. I don't understand how they're like well
[00:58:57] I just watched the third episode of the sixth season of Game of Thrones and here's 1500 words right there
[00:59:03] We do these big as yeah, and I'm like yeah, it's alright. Yeah, that's enough of a review for me is okay
[00:59:10] Give me a letter grade. Yeah, that's that's great in terms of review like somebody asked me
[00:59:15] I was a person some guy was like you know, I was like arrivals bad
[00:59:18] He's like I've only heard good things. Why was it bad?
[00:59:20] And I was like you know, I was fucking stupid
[00:59:23] Piece of shit. I can just come up with synonyms for bad
[00:59:27] I can't tell you why something was bad. I just say all those you was stupid that cover that already. I am watching young Pope right now
[00:59:36] One of my Hollywood you connection sent me the whole the whole season. Yeah, I can email to you if you would like to
[00:59:46] Yeah, my one oh yeah, Phil Phil. Yeah, I need an extra PlayStation if you just threw a fell into the bus
[00:59:52] What if it work finds out what if his boss is listening to this and he finds out that Phil's
[00:59:57] Legally distributing content. Yeah, it's not Sony
[01:00:06] PlayStation update dude what's been going on with the PlayStation. He has one day
[01:00:14] Uh, yeah, it's one of those things where it's like I have to stop playing video games like I just already
[01:00:20] You've had the PlayStation for a week and a half
[01:00:24] It's like if I buy a ton of games and shit
[01:00:26] I'm just like like yesterday I had a bunch of fucking plans that I just played FIFA for like are you in season mode?
[01:00:31] No, my friend George is over. We just fucking played FIFA bunch. That's great. You know, all right
[01:00:36] Well another apology for this one folks
[01:00:38] But we're gonna have that Christmas album up on the patreon sometime soon
[01:00:43] I mean stop we're gonna do it Adam won't be included
[01:00:46] What about my honica song Adam can record his own Hanukkah song and posted on a different website
[01:00:56] If he's so chooses you want to listen to it you can go to
[01:01:02] So I'm no one so listen to dot co dot I l
[01:01:10] Please don't listen to this slash geo cities
[01:01:15] I'm gay. Yeah, I fuck that coin. That's
[01:01:27] Yo, why did you just love candles so much that's what I want to know what there's a lot of candles
[01:01:32] Catholic love cable. That's true. That's true Latinos
[01:01:36] I don't know that you can't eat us fuck with candles. Yeah, they got the fucking I guess you know
[01:01:45] Yeah, that's like a thing now like that's a thing now, but people have been
[01:01:49] Like mentioning to me. Oh, yeah, I've been getting into candles like expensive candles
[01:01:54] They smell good my roommates started getting into expensive candles. She bought like a $90 candle
[01:02:01] And I do associate that with white women though. Yeah, well, I mean that
[01:02:05] Brandon I think brand. Oh, yeah, yeah, we're gonna talk shit about Brandon. Yeah, Brandon's into candles
[01:02:11] What the fuck is that why is he in the candles? What happened?
[01:02:14] Yeah, it'll be burns. I hope he burns his house down a brand in Wardell burns death and an ironic candle fire
[01:02:22] Thought it would be funny if I had candles like a white girl
[01:02:25] Guess what guys a fall out boy is good actually it's not bad
[01:02:29] That's probably what happened to that Oakland thing with some Brandon doing irony candles
[01:02:36] Burn down if you guys haven't watched that video yet of that fucking asshole that Derek I still I on
[01:02:43] Isn't it? Yeah, it's not real name. He goes by Derek ion
[01:02:46] I'm like you know, I would change your name, but keep Derek as part of your name. That piece of shit
[01:02:51] I hope that guy goes. I hope he gets fucking he's just imprisoned for the rest of his fucking life
[01:02:55] Yeah, he fucking those people were living in horrific conditions. Yeah
[01:03:01] Well with that we're gonna we're gonna wrap this one out if you're disappointed again Adam fault
[01:03:11] And stay tuned for that. I'll just I'll start calling businesses to Seth or something make up for it