Cum Town | Premium | 07/08/2019
[00:00:03] Yeah, that'll be a fun one for my therapist.
[00:00:06] You tell them, uh, I don't have a therapist, by the way.
[00:00:14] Can you make you solve any of the problems?
[00:00:47] Somehow you got the one that's fucking over there on the other side of the room?
[00:01:03] I'm not fucking... I'm not heading that out either.
[00:01:07] Anyways, that would be a fun one for my hypothetical therapist.
[00:01:10] Don't worry, he's just as mentally ill as you are.
[00:01:14] Uh, is, is I want to kill myself, but I don't want Bill Clinton to win.
[00:01:18] I don't want the right answer for that one, you fucking answer.
[00:01:22] Well, this weekend would be a pretty easy one.
[00:01:32] If you had the money just to go to a therapist, you'd be like,
[00:01:34] yeah, I just want to talk to somebody about my anti-Semitism.
[00:01:37] You're like, well, I'll help in any way I can.
[00:01:44] Right, at the end of the session, you just undo all the work.
[00:02:06] Go in there, say as many slurs you can.
[00:02:08] You have doctor patient confidentiality, so you can't get cancer.
[00:02:12] Listen, we thought your son had Tourette syndrome, but it turns out he's just racist.
[00:02:23] I'm still positive that was just a guy named Frank Tourette.
[00:02:30] You know, people are like, Frank, you can't fucking talk to people like that all the time.
[00:02:35] Asperger's and Tourette's just trying to have to be the same thing.
[00:02:38] Yeah, it's a shame your wife got breast cancer because those titties were beautiful.
[00:02:47] Yeah, then some big guys like, what did you say about my wife?
[00:02:52] Yeah, you know how Lou Gehrig has a shit.
[00:03:15] Let me be the first, well, probably not the first, but let me be the first on microphone
[00:03:21] to congratulate you for, it looks like Epstein, they got his ass.
[00:03:29] Yeah, well, apparently Robert Mueller personally intervened in 2009 to have his case thrown
[00:03:42] Robert Mueller, the guy from the Mueller report.
[00:03:44] While he was at the FBI, like personally intervened to help out.
[00:03:50] Let me say apparently that, is that something you read or should be imagined?
[00:04:02] Yeah, I mean, it's all just like racist, right wing stuff that I read on the internet.
[00:04:06] But yeah, apparently he was, he was, he's also a pedophile.
[00:04:16] You know what, he's worse than the pedophiles is the guys that are like, they're just my
[00:04:21] And we are part of a global elite and I personally don't fuck the children.
[00:04:26] But if that's how we, what we need to do to stay in power, I'm fine with it.
[00:04:31] I make sure to pick out the kids that can handle it.
[00:04:39] I say like, liberals suddenly care about children in cages now that it's not in the basement
[00:04:45] So the ones in the board are matter to you.
[00:04:49] But all the kids tied up in the secret entrance to, to L'Enfant Plaza Metro.
[00:04:58] Did you compete the day it was real from the beginning?
[00:05:03] I mean, I don't think pizza gate is like, well, I don't really know much about pizza gate
[00:05:08] Oh, I think you come to the right place.
[00:05:11] It's like, this is, I should have a separate podcast where I just trick girl comedians
[00:05:15] in the scene, they're coming on my comedy podcast and I just scream at them about right-wing
[00:05:28] And every, you get, you would get flown out and you would fuck all the children.
[00:05:33] You would fly out and then, yeah, you would fuck the children.
[00:05:44] And so that would make him king of the island.
[00:05:47] And so the law is you can fuck whatever child you want.
[00:05:55] It's just so funny to like know that elites are exactly as fucked up as you know, that
[00:06:01] they're just out here having sex with kids and they've arrived some kind of satanic power
[00:06:11] I don't even think they enjoy it, you know?
[00:06:14] So you don't think it's the bust of nothing?
[00:06:16] They don't enjoy all the money they have either.
[00:06:20] You think they do it because it's the most forbidden fruit?
[00:06:31] So it's not even a part of like any anything.
[00:06:35] Yeah, it'd probably be international law or maritime law or whatever the fuck.
[00:06:42] I mean, it could be that they, yeah, the island they're like fuck the islands are like,
[00:06:48] you know, you own all the real estate, you know, on that island, I guess.
[00:06:55] So it's there is some local government, you know, outside of that.
[00:06:58] But yeah, I'm pretty sure they're lawless places where you can start.
[00:07:00] So it's just Jeffrey Epstein sitting at like the UN.
[00:07:11] He's just covered in like, like, he's just like wearing like a, like an ornate, like,
[00:07:18] you know, like one of those African guys.
[00:07:24] He's like four year close for four year old girls.
[00:07:29] Now what I like is that he had apparently so Clinton, everyone says, Clinton's going
[00:07:35] And that he had some bitch recruiting children for him to fuck.
[00:07:40] And then she went to Clinton's wedding.
[00:07:45] Hillary's like, I told you not to invite that bitch.
[00:07:48] Well, that's what I like is that like, you can be so good at finding children for rich people
[00:07:53] to fuck that they're like, yeah, just come to the wedding.
[00:08:00] Well, these people operate with like, you know, impunity.
[00:08:01] They do whatever the fuck they want and they don't like worry about the consequences because
[00:08:06] there aren't any usually prior to like, I mean, they couldn't have predicted the power
[00:08:10] of social media, the power of four channel.
[00:08:18] Like literally Hillary wins this obscene thing.
[00:08:24] The only reason people give a shit is because fucking Trump appointed a cost.
[00:08:29] They're like, well, he let off this pedophile and you're like, oh yeah, let's let's talk
[00:08:38] And then there's all these fucking liberals on Twitter.
[00:08:40] They're like, oh, yeah, they don't, they don't, they don't, they don't seem to care that
[00:08:45] people they care about pizza gate don't seem to care the Trump is friends with this guy.
[00:08:56] Just look at how much they people have like some bit, someone was like, I think someone,
[00:09:00] Nancy Pelosi's daughter or some shit was like, look, some of our faves might get caught up
[00:09:08] Some of our faves might be raping children.
[00:09:12] You might have a problematic fave in Bill Clinton who's going to a fucking, I didn't even see
[00:09:20] It's like, oh, you know, like comparing people that say bad words to people that fuck children.
[00:09:27] And by the way, that she looked horrible.
[00:09:29] Nancy Pelosi's daughter Pelosi, I honestly looked a lot better.
[00:09:33] Which is funny when you think of like a rich, how ugly a rich person is.
[00:09:36] Just imagine them if they were fucking white trash, how bad looking they would be.
[00:09:42] I mean, say what you will about, you know, Megan McCain, at least her dad, but wasn't
[00:09:51] What if they made him suck a little Vietnamese boys cocks in the thing in what in prison?
[00:09:56] Like they make you gay as a punishment.
[00:09:58] No, because he would have been like, I'm not sucking them before my men get a chance.
[00:10:24] If that's how it's going to be mega McCain's like fucking when my dad refused to suck through
[00:10:29] his little boy's dick, he did it because he didn't want universal health care in this
[00:10:41] Megan has gotten back and has crashed through the studio under the set of Frazier two.
[00:10:53] The set of prices right Drew Carey is now in her vagina suffocating.
[00:10:57] Megan McCain is now crashed through down into the daily show.
[00:11:05] She's killed every TV host crashing through the floor.
[00:11:17] Someone else said this is going to be the best thing that happened to Hillary is her
[00:11:21] husband being fucking jailed for raping children.
[00:11:25] She finally escaped the Stockholm syndrome, which is so awesome.
[00:11:27] She's just an innocent woman this whole time.
[00:11:31] She's the biggest girl boss of all time or she's some dumb bitch that doesn't realize
[00:11:44] So you actually do think she's innocent because she's so stupid.
[00:11:49] Hillary is absolutely having sex with the children also.
[00:11:58] Yes, she was like, please, Bill, don't do it.
[00:12:05] You know, when you fucking like when you eat children's brains, you get that fucking weird
[00:12:13] And you know, in case you think like all of this is just crazy nonsense, I've looked
[00:12:17] Yeah, Nick has a huge portfolio that he's looking through right now.
[00:12:22] Ripped out pages from newspapers, yellow, leaning pads.
[00:12:28] I've got documents I'm looking at constantly.
[00:12:31] There's a picture of him having sex with himself that he drew.
[00:12:36] I'm freehanding Hillary Clinton having sex with children.
[00:12:41] That's what you cite as proof is I have this artist rendering of Hillary fucking children
[00:12:49] I've been spending decades drawing child pornography featuring Hillary Clinton.
[00:12:56] I sketched out this picture of Hillary Clinton molesting a child on a napkin.
[00:13:02] And I would like to show it to you if you have any interest.
[00:13:07] You know what's shocking is that Joe Biden is not involved in all of this.
[00:13:11] I mean, that's how you know everybody's like, look, he's touching these kids suggestively
[00:13:20] No, I mean, it's like, because he's just some dumbass old man that's like, of course,
[00:13:28] You know, like that's what a rub is a little.
[00:13:31] You know, he's like, he thinks it's cute to be funny.
[00:13:33] Be like, imagine how funny it would be if I wanted a couple of jerks to suck this eight
[00:13:40] Anyways, oh, he's like, oh, you know what?
[00:13:43] I totally forgot that there's people out there.
[00:13:45] He says, yeah, he's fucking at Meet the Press while he's saying that.
[00:13:51] I think that it's not for lack of trying.
[00:13:55] I just think Biden wasn't cool enough to get invited to the cool pedophile parties.
[00:14:00] I think he was just fucking he's just like crying about his son.
[00:14:03] Yeah, I just think he said, we're hoping beach trying to get a fucking a pedophile ring,
[00:14:07] the Delaware pedophile ring going the bow, bow, bow's boys.
[00:14:13] He started in memory of his dead ass son.
[00:14:16] My dead ass son always told me numerous times he wanted.
[00:14:20] I can't do Biden, but he always wanted to be one of the pedophile leagues.
[00:14:25] He said that if you ever become president, then we'll get to go to the island.
[00:14:29] It's funny that all these people are going to be like fucking out it, right?
[00:14:32] You know, like Bill Clinton, they're going to get all of them.
[00:14:35] And I mean, they won't obviously all these people.
[00:14:38] Yeah, they're going to if anything is going to kill Epstein.
[00:14:41] There's just yeah, all the documents were mysteriously sealed.
[00:14:44] There's a bit 2000 pages unsealed and then it's going to be like, oh, and it exonerates
[00:14:54] In prison and all the all this says is that Alan Dershowitz is a goody good boy.
[00:15:02] Epstein and 42 former child models all committed suicide last night.
[00:15:09] So, you know, but you know, like in fucking 50 years is like whatever the iterate current
[00:15:15] iteration of rap is, there's going to be like a rap supergroup called like pedophile elite.
[00:15:20] You know, it'd be like Puff Daddy, Jay Z.
[00:15:30] Jeffrey Epstein, the black, they call me the black Jeffrey.
[00:15:37] Don't let, yeah, don't let these white people molest your children.
[00:15:54] I just hope the last come town episode is just like the last last last episode where
[00:15:59] just this whole Epstein thing was your imagination, your dream, this whole time.
[00:16:03] Nick, Nick, all those poor innocent show.
[00:16:07] I think that's actually, I haven't seen it.
[00:16:16] It's always getting head in his sleep and he was much older.
[00:16:22] He's like, I had the weirdest dream that I had a stupid name.
[00:16:26] They're like, I'm sorry, Richard fuck pussy.
[00:16:40] Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada, Dada.
[00:16:52] It's Andy Griffith and everybody's playing like a guy from prison that becomes a pop star.
[00:17:01] Oh, so he's like a bad boy like Elvis type guy.
[00:17:07] He went to prison, stole the music from black people that he met in prison.
[00:17:14] We're not trying to call Troyo appropriate.
[00:17:20] There's a guy at like some like Black Panther event or whatever.
[00:17:23] He's like a time traveler or something.
[00:17:32] I was going to do the thing from back to the future where he's there.
[00:17:39] Like the guy's like, hey Chuck Berry, I got there's a new sound or whatever.
[00:17:44] But it's a black guy calling his cousin.
[00:17:45] He's like, hey, Adolf, it's your cousin.
[00:17:57] It's a black cousin of a man like man, I just started to crazy.
[00:18:09] Yeah, it's back in time and somehow enters like a talent show for black people.
[00:18:16] And his talent is telling the truth about the Jews.
[00:18:19] One of the black guys calls his cousin, Adolf Hitler.
[00:18:23] He's like, man, you got that funky sound.
[00:18:44] Real quick before we move on from pedophilia, I had Chris Tucker.
[00:18:51] Because he's wrapped up in all this shit, isn't he?
[00:18:54] Yeah, Chris, well, it's a different piece of shit.
[00:18:57] When a girl, here's what he says, when a girl on the island tells him she's underage.
[00:19:03] I can't understand the words that come out of your mouth.
[00:19:11] So thank you, that's why, because you know, Chris Tucker's on the plane or whatever.
[00:19:18] He's on those flight logs, but it is a different Chris Tucker.
[00:19:26] Imagine him as his character in Fifth Element on the Little Express.
[00:19:31] And like, yo, we got to fuck some children tonight.
[00:19:39] Who's that? Who's that as you in, Bill Clinton?
[00:19:49] Hillary, will you double tame this eight year old with me?
[00:19:57] Bill, I can't believe you cheated on me with an adult.
[00:20:12] Oh, Bill, you always know how to win me back.
[00:20:20] I'm just chilling on Jeffrey Epstein's Island.
[00:20:25] I'm just chilling on the Lolita Express.
[00:20:37] Bill Clinton, you know, he played saxophone in our senior hall, but he's just holding
[00:20:40] a baby and sucking his penis and blowing into it like a saxophone.
[00:20:44] And a black guy being like, that's my president.
[00:20:47] That's the first black president right there.
[00:21:01] It's got a nice piece of information that when you're sexting in Spanish, you call balls
[00:21:22] Yeah, it's only just a slur for nuts, I think.
[00:21:28] What's the literal translation of cajonas?
[00:21:33] Well, because I want to tell someone to suck the yolk at them a little cage-free nuts.
[00:21:39] It's weird because women have eggs, which I always found to be weird in Creole.
[00:22:00] I don't fucking restaurant and being mad is not a guy's nuts.
[00:22:02] Listen, partner, why don't you come suck on my hidden valley?
[00:22:07] I always think of ranch dressing, not a ranch.
[00:22:18] Are you, is that where you're finding all these like?
[00:22:23] I saw porn star talking about friend of the show and favorite trans porn star of the show,
[00:22:35] No, I think we follow each other, but I don't know if I've interacted with you.
[00:22:40] She retweeted one time when I posted that picture of like two of the guests who characters
[00:22:46] and I was like, is your character trans?
[00:22:49] I mean, you're doing a lot for the community, dude.
[00:22:53] And then two of the guests, two of your characters just look trained.
[00:23:03] Yes, I had a Korean barbecue with her and Bobby Kelly.
[00:23:17] I thought you were sneaking some syllables out of it.
[00:23:20] We're going to rob the, rob the, the, Krenz of their, uh, that'd be a nice slur for them.
[00:23:33] Just saying with a southern accent is a sort of goddamn Krenz, yeah.
[00:23:38] We already got too many type of Chinese.
[00:23:41] I don't need a fucking second or third one.
[00:23:43] You see that thing that they discovered a new type of Chinese in a cave?
[00:23:51] They opened up and they discovered 32 new types of Chinese.
[00:23:56] There are 36 new types of Chinese people that have never been discovered.
[00:24:03] One of them that lives off its own come.
[00:24:10] He's, I needed to eat and also it's poison.
[00:24:17] They're blind because there's been no light in there.
[00:24:20] But radio, they were picking up radio, American radio waves and learning English.
[00:24:41] Are you sure you're not thinking of a type of frog that they found?
[00:25:16] Until they pay them the right amount, I'm not watching a single fucking thing.
[00:25:22] You'll just continue to jack off to stolen pictures from their I hacked iCloud.
[00:25:27] Because no one makes money off that has.
[00:25:36] And I think she beat the shit out of her boyfriend.
[00:25:38] I'd say I hope she's so, so, of single.
[00:25:45] I hope she's solo for, listen lady, just give me your phone number.
[00:25:59] She had some domestic violence charges.
[00:26:02] I just remember being, didn't she have like a pussy pic come out?
[00:26:13] I think that's what goalkeepers pussy compares to the rest of it.
[00:26:18] What is that kind of athletic training due to a woman's vagina?
[00:26:21] Take a picture and that's what they should use as their like little thing in the office.
[00:26:29] It would help me differentiate vaginas.
[00:26:35] I feel like you don't spend a lot of time looking at a vagina.
[00:26:37] It's more about function than, is it form?
[00:26:44] I do forget what they look like fairly quickly.
[00:26:48] It's a, you just, I mean listen, while you're eating pussy, you're not even really looking
[00:26:57] Well, you know, like you go fucking like, like let's say I could have a best friend in
[00:27:05] I'm making a note of which mic that is.
[00:27:08] It's just so funny because you just, you just bombed yourself.
[00:27:16] You know, this is like the Chinese guy.
[00:27:20] If I don't see him for a month, no idea what he's doing.
[00:27:35] You would say most people feel that way.
[00:27:39] I would say most people have that experience.
[00:27:40] I know my, I know exactly what my friend Chinese Sam looks like from growing up and his brother
[00:27:48] Sam was the one that we called Chinese Sam, but his little brother just got to be Richard.
[00:28:06] I would crush it as a baby, but I was going to say, yeah, you got baby energy.
[00:28:10] Unfortunately, I had that thing just looks like you're profiling me right now.
[00:28:16] It's just because I don't know why I think that.
[00:28:22] You're probably reading something in my personality.
[00:28:25] That's the fact that I'm around fat and hairless and literally missing a tooth.
[00:28:32] I got the inverse of the teeth that a regular baby.
[00:28:45] That's the only way I knew how to draw a baby.
[00:28:50] I remember drawing a side duck well once when I was in third grade.
[00:28:56] I remember being like, wow, I was good at that.
[00:28:57] And I was like, no, it's just an easy Pokemon to draw.
[00:29:03] It's nice to hang on to accomplishments like that.
[00:29:19] Not all of us can just sit there and podcast so well while drawing so well at the same
[00:29:23] I was, I forgot to create another layer.
[00:29:25] I fucked up my drawing by painting my water coloring it.
[00:29:32] I'm trying to go with something where side ducks trying to rape Misty or something.
[00:29:44] Well, she's always got her pussy almost.
[00:30:05] He's like, nah, one of them just impressed me when we met him at the gym and he impressed
[00:30:12] They're like, okay, well, I'm a police officer.
[00:30:18] You've been caught in the Brock Express.
[00:30:24] I gave her an evolution stone right beforehand.
[00:30:30] Brock, I'm trouble feeding children rare candies.
[00:30:38] It must be awesome to be a pedophile in Pokemon.
[00:30:41] The thing you lure them with is also the thing that makes them of age.
[00:30:48] Yeah, but some people got, did you ever go play Pokemon?
[00:30:53] I collected the cards and I tried to, but then the shit was fucking boring.
[00:30:57] You're playing the game for card games.
[00:31:03] I still remember playing that bitch downstairs in my childhood home in the kitchen because
[00:31:07] that was the TV that you chilled on because my father was watching Greek news on the main
[00:31:14] That was also the TV that we had a VCR.
[00:31:23] We had that little thing, you put it under the NES and had a little slot for a Game Boy
[00:31:29] I do remember, yeah, there was a kid across the street that had that shit.
[00:31:34] There was one for the little one and one for the big one.
[00:31:37] The big one goes into the Super Nintendo and there's one on top of that.
[00:31:42] Yeah, I remember like there was a kid across the street that had that and I'm like damn,
[00:31:52] I think it happened because my mom got tired of us arguing over the Game Boy.
[00:31:58] So she was like, all right motherfuckers, there's three of you.
[00:32:04] Because we had a red and a blue and we, so that was, and then she got tired of us arguing
[00:32:12] So your boy put in hours on the bottom of the bar.
[00:32:20] Oh, because you could play on your little handheld thing.
[00:32:34] It's basically, what are those called RPGs, JRPGs or something?
[00:32:41] I don't know what, I think J just means Japanese.
[00:32:44] But somebody made it a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a,
[00:32:50] Yeah, and it's like, unless you play earthbound, it just looks like a video game, but it's
[00:32:53] the amount of work that guy put into it.
[00:32:55] And he's like, he's like, ah, can you play?
[00:32:58] He's like, can you play the game and then talk about it on the show?
[00:33:00] And it's like, well I won't, but it's a very impressive time.
[00:33:18] iPad? Yeah for like a second. I mean, he tell me a YouTube link of just a video
[00:33:28] of him playing. Nice. Were you red or blue? Blue. Me too. What's the new one?
[00:33:35] Switch coming out with every generation. Did you ever play any other
[00:33:38] generations or just that first? I play yellow. Yellow was my last foray.
[00:33:43] And then I remember why I stopped. I think I just got tired of that. I started
[00:33:48] playing Madden. Then I started being like, I'm fucking cool in a job. Right, right,
[00:33:53] right, right. I was like, I played Pokemon and I wanted to be an actor. Like I was
[00:33:57] in all the school places shit. And I went to like a fucking little kids
[00:34:01] theater program and shit. And then in like sixth grade, I was like, I'm not
[00:34:05] fucking gay anymore. I'm cool. We had the same shit except like I was just like,
[00:34:12] oh, I'm just gonna stop being fat and continue to be a faggot. That was my
[00:34:15] that was my trailer. I'm gonna continue to be a gay ass faggot, but I'm not gonna
[00:34:20] be fat. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna continue to be fat but pretend I'm not a
[00:34:24] faggot. But yeah, exactly. But do sports. Yeah, but I will stay fat. Yeah. I but it
[00:34:29] was fun. I will say it was fun being a fact he'd have played soccer and was
[00:34:32] good because people were surprised that I mean, I needed a sub. I was only good
[00:34:38] because in child sports, you got unlimited substitutions. So I got to play like
[00:34:43] furiously for like three minutes at a time. And then they would just see me
[00:34:47] gas to shit. And they're like, all right, somebody else. Yeah, lower bars are always
[00:34:53] nice to have. Oh, yeah, that's why I hate feminism. It's like, no, please let
[00:34:57] people think that we're not capable of anything. Yeah, may I suggest being a fat
[00:35:04] woman? Because that's a double word. I'm trying. Dude, I try. I eat so much I just
[00:35:10] can't get away. I try. You know, it's funny. I was thinking about that expression
[00:35:13] and ain't over till the fat lady sings. And now we have to deal with fat ladies
[00:35:17] all the time and it's like, Oh, I guess it's the end of the world.
[00:35:19] Yeah. It's almost there's a symphony. Just I hear nothing but a cacophony of fat
[00:35:27] women screaming constantly. It must mean that that's the end of America.
[00:35:32] Dude, how dare you one up me with cacophony? I said symphony, dude. Yeah, but it's not
[00:35:37] a symphony. It's a cacophony. Maybe to your ears, to my ears, to others. Yeah, to see
[00:35:44] fat representation. Yeah, it's a why are they even doing a little mermaid? It should
[00:35:48] just be the Ursula movie. Yeah. It's a it's a fucking fictional world where
[00:35:53] everyone wants to fuck Ursula. Actually Ursula's hot. Ursula's the fuck is just Ursula
[00:36:03] and then nine other women looking like Ursula that's like, you were so fucking gorgeous.
[00:36:07] Just commenting on her. You were so what a beauty. You were so fucking hot. God damn
[00:36:16] it. This is a hard eyes emoji. What are the fucking songs under this under the sea?
[00:36:26] This under the sea. Dude, I don't remember. I haven't seen little I feel like I've only
[00:36:29] seen little mermaid once or twice when I was a kid. Yeah, that was that was not hardly
[00:36:34] remembering. I was in the road. No, no. Beauty and the beast I watch. Beauty and the beast
[00:36:39] for sure. Beauty and the beast definitely. Lion King was the best. Aladdin was my schmout.
[00:36:44] Aladdin was the one that was on high. I watched a lot of Aladdin also, but Lion King was definitely
[00:36:50] that took the cake for me. See, it would never take a month. Not for me. I don't know. I liked
[00:36:54] Lion King, but I don't think it was ever my favorite. I just wanted to be in Africa.
[00:37:00] Back in shooting all those animals. Making some sick furniture. Trying to become friends
[00:37:06] with Scar. Yeah. And kill all my relatives with him. No, I didn't trust Scar. Oh no. I
[00:37:14] knew he was the bad guy. Even as a kid, I was smart. Even as a little kid, I was smart.
[00:37:23] Even that's awesome. Even at that child, child like age. Dude, yeah, you should have high
[00:37:28] aptitude for understanding the plot. Even at that child like age, I knew that scar. That
[00:37:34] would be a cool guy. You know how I just bragged about being like doing sports as a child?
[00:37:38] Yeah. The guy who brags about like knowing the plot, knowing the plot of understanding
[00:37:42] children's movies as a child. When I watched Rocket Doodle, even as a kid, I knew he was
[00:37:46] supposed to be all this. I knew he was supposed to be chicken Elvis.
[00:37:52] Yeah. I might do wish I was a fat child playing indoor, indoor soccer. That was my favorite
[00:37:58] shit. Why? Smaller field. They had a show turf though. And when you fell it fucking hurt,
[00:38:04] like a mofo. Yeah, but I was so much better. I had long ass socks. Oh yeah. There was
[00:38:09] there was from the top of my knee to the bottom of my thigh, there was some, you know, weird
[00:38:17] growth. No, there was that was exposed skin. Plus I slid all the time. I love slide tackling.
[00:38:22] Yeah. Damn. Maybe that's when I was the happiest. I'll never be happier again. When you're getting
[00:38:26] your aggression out. Oh, as a child. Yeah, for sure. Playing indoor soccer as a child.
[00:38:31] Dude. Yeah. Soccer was the shit because I hated school. It was too much. It triggered
[00:38:34] my like I was so anxious. I didn't know it. I just wanted to have good grades, even though
[00:38:37] I hated learning and learning fucking sucks. But I wanted to be the best at stuff. Yeah.
[00:38:42] Playing being on that fucking turf baby and mother fucking fuck. What was it called? It
[00:38:50] would not rose there. I'm trying to remember exactly what the place was called. Were you
[00:38:53] ever goalie? No, common misconception. Every everyone thinks if you're fat, you must be
[00:38:59] the goalie. I wanted to try it and then I'm able to do it. It was fucking freezing raining.
[00:39:03] I think my coach did it as a punishment because I wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. Yeah,
[00:39:06] according to the big the big green, right? That was the movie. The what? The big green?
[00:39:11] Oh, the big green with the chubby red headed kid. That's right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that
[00:39:17] was not me. You should start paying some freckles on. That guy that guy looks exactly like he
[00:39:21] did as a child now. Yeah. It's a hilarious look. Like just scaled up. Did his face scale
[00:39:29] up at the same rate or did it like big ass head like other child stars look like fucked
[00:39:34] up versions of themselves? Like he looks exactly the same. It's pretty wild. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah,
[00:39:41] I look like the same to no I've an aged a day. I get carted all the time. People are like,
[00:39:47] Dan, what are you for? I'm like, thank you. That's so fun. Thank you. That's flattering.
[00:39:53] Thank you. Yes, I am. I'm four years old. Yes, I'm four. Man, I'm four. Yeah, we can
[00:40:00] tell from your penis. We have scanners checking out your yeah, we put a scanner in here so we
[00:40:06] could look at people's genitals. And you are four years old. You're a four year old man.
[00:40:11] But yes, we'll allow you to have the beer, but you can have a beer. A little slugger. A
[00:40:19] little trooper. A little troop. Tiked. Tiked. Tiked. That's kind of a slur. Tiked is close.
[00:40:27] Yeah. Tiked does not feel correct. Tiked is actually a racist slur against children.
[00:40:33] I'm an anti-tod light. And I really just hate toddlers because I call them tikes.
[00:40:41] I hate these these goddamn tikes. Yeah, that one is too close to two. That's if it's it's in
[00:40:52] right between two of them. Yeah, two slurs. That's what Epstein calls a kid that's prude.
[00:40:59] His little take. That fucking type. Where was the other one? I'm the slur. Well, obviously
[00:41:06] the Jewish one and the lesbian one. Oh, dyke. Yes. Huge slur. It is, isn't it? Can you just
[00:41:15] say it? No, I mean, fuck lesbians. Do people get upset about the word dyke? I don't think
[00:41:19] they do. They don't know what to be upset about. Although there is something called
[00:41:23] the little parades sponsored by MasterCard and fucking HSBC. Well, that wasn't a dyke
[00:41:28] festival. That was a gay festival. Yeah, that's gay white men. Yeah. Who, by the way, if you
[00:41:33] live in your straight white women's dyke festival. Do they have one? It's called Lilith Fair,
[00:41:40] I guess. Yeah. Just watching a bunch of people have
[00:41:43] interestedly dancing. Did you watch much of that? Like, did you catch it? The dyke march?
[00:41:50] Because we were at lunch. Huh? Did I catch it? Where? Oh, yeah, I was. We were eating lunch
[00:41:53] and it was like on the screen. So you, I don't know. It just kept flashing to the on Nick's
[00:41:58] personal TV. Nick had a fuck. They had the goal. Yeah, my gay TV. He's gay TV. Like this
[00:42:04] is sad. He was jacking off watching it. Just so angry. Like this is so much. Why is MasterCard
[00:42:08] sponsoring this? This is so much better than the dyke march. The prices, the pisses me off.
[00:42:15] You guys should sponsor the next gay pride parade. Come town. How much would that cost?
[00:42:20] I don't know. Do a float for like 10 grand. I have no idea how much things cost. Yeah,
[00:42:25] we should do that. We should, dude. I'm ready. I'm ready to be that guy. I'm ready to just
[00:42:31] get all the problematic game. There's got to be gay guys to vote for Trump and shit.
[00:42:35] Yeah, you got to get them on board. Oh, yeah. It's time someone was the voice of racist
[00:42:41] gay men. Yeah. And here we are. Isn't that what my lowest thing is? Oh, I guess that's
[00:42:49] true. He's a voice. He's not racist. He's dated people of other colors. Don't you know,
[00:42:54] I let black men fuck me in my eye. I get, I can't be racist. I'm a bitch. I get my
[00:43:03] ass cheeks absolutely clapped by a black man. I can say the N word. Once for every load,
[00:43:10] I've swallowed. That's not me. That's the fucking game. He can say it until he passes
[00:43:15] it. Make us drawing it doesn't. And it wasn't usually when he says stop that you. It's like
[00:43:20] a pig or like this is someone that's very fat. No, this is you. But this time it's a gay
[00:43:25] camel or something. Oh, it's you. What is it? Stop for memory. That looks like trans
[00:43:32] Joe camel. Yeah, it is or a cat. Yeah, I can't decide. You just got to. It's you. Dude, it
[00:43:40] is fucking me. It's your true form. Stop saying that the tassels on your ears. I would like
[00:43:46] your tassels, but that doesn't make it me. It would be cool. Hey, fuck what? She gonna
[00:43:56] be a drawing guy now, Dean? What do you mean? Is that are you gonna be? Are you just gonna
[00:44:00] draw stuff in life? Yeah, sure. That's good. That's a good pivot. Yeah. You could well,
[00:44:07] unfortunately, we just gonna sell it. Yeah, I'm gonna sell this on. I'm gonna go to Times
[00:44:13] Square. I just do caricatures and hands. Same exact drawing every time. Just every family
[00:44:21] that it had breasts and a pussy. Oh, so that's why it's me. And just give this a cat with
[00:44:29] a big head, but it's a family from the Midwest or whatever. The daughter sits down for an
[00:44:35] hour and I'm like, Oh, here you go. There you go. This is a terrible getting its ass.
[00:44:42] It's always this drug. It's always the same one. You do it freehand every time. It's never
[00:44:51] it's always the same cat. It's always the same. Yeah, cat with titties. Is that the kind of
[00:44:59] furry thing that you would fuck or cat with titties? Did you like that shoes? Space jam?
[00:45:05] Oh, true. I guess it would be her. Everybody just from jacking off. It's time. I mean, I
[00:45:11] never jacked off to her, but I was horny. It was proto horny to her for sure. We go
[00:45:15] with them. What kind of furry would you like to fuck? It would be great if Bob Ross did
[00:45:22] like fucking that kind of shit. He's like, and we're just going to put a little dick
[00:45:26] here on tails. And you want the drop of calm. You want to just flowing out of sonic on the
[00:45:33] tails his face. And then we're going to put Tony the tiger over here. And he's on all
[00:45:38] force. And Dr. Robotnik is even got his ass. And you can just see right into his asshole.
[00:45:46] You just know the Tony can't think about anything else. But Dr. Robotnik busting inside. You can
[00:45:55] tell by the look in his eyes, we'll be right to get busted inside. Tony cannot wait to
[00:46:01] get fucked. And we're going to be right back. And we'll be right back on Bob Ross's deviant
[00:46:07] art. A real shame, dude. Who knows how much deviant art we've lost out on from history?
[00:46:16] Oh, yeah. You back in the day. Just think the walls of the bath houses at Pompeii. Oh,
[00:46:22] dude. How much awesome like, yeah, what would they make? Do they have famous? Do they have
[00:46:27] cartoons or anything? Well, Greeks are big on that just painting people like fucking kids
[00:46:33] and shitting all over each other. There are some fun statues of guys with really big,
[00:46:39] long dicks. Imagine like coming back to like you like commissioned somebody to paint your
[00:46:44] house and you come in and there's just people fucking all over the walls and you're like,
[00:46:48] well, I was thinking like blue. I mean, I got this is the style. This is the modern style.
[00:46:56] All right. I guess. I don't know. My wife like it. Oh, you know what I heard that's
[00:47:00] fucking crazy is that the color blue wasn't even in anyone's consciousness. Like it didn't
[00:47:05] really exist until like, I don't know, like a thousand years ago. How would they know
[00:47:12] that? How do you know that? The way it's like you look at like ancient texts and well,
[00:47:16] they would describe the sky. They were like, that's true. Didn't even exist. Yeah, a lot
[00:47:21] of this lot of shit like that. You know, the poem Rose's a red wasn't blue. Rose is a
[00:47:25] red violence or blue. It's because like people were like, well, violence are violent. It's
[00:47:29] like, violet wasn't a color with that. Right, right, right. Oh, what the fuck? They had
[00:47:34] blue. Damn. Yeah. That's fucked up. Damn, anthropology. Yeah, I mean, it's like you
[00:47:42] look at like the like the what is it like Pantone list of like colors or whatever. And
[00:47:47] it's just like a million like like imperceptible differences. Yeah. What were they calling
[00:47:53] the sky before it was blue? I don't know. White. Probably white. Yeah. If you look up,
[00:47:59] it doesn't really look blue. Damn. It's yeah. Yeah, it's kind of gray gray. They probably
[00:48:06] were calling it gray. Yeah. I mean, even the sky it's not sky blue. You know, baby blue
[00:48:13] is never blue. Full blue, right? Nick's penis blue. Blue. She's sending them for. We do
[00:48:22] a thing on. I mean, you know, Morpheus being like, take the blue pill. You dick gets
[00:48:26] hard. Yeah. Take the red pill. I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. But so what
[00:48:34] is the blue pill? Can I just get hard though? The rabbit hole. But if I take the blue pill,
[00:48:40] I go home what? It's a dick pill. They're blue cheer. What's the one that's a popper
[00:48:48] that makes your butthole get big? Poppers. Oh, that's just called popper. It's not a
[00:48:53] cold pill. It's a very hard day. You have Karl Popper or a big asshole. Mm hmm. Yeah.
[00:49:00] So I just I'm hard though and I just stay here. Yeah. Yes. But if with the red pill. So is
[00:49:09] my dick hard? If I is my dick solved? If I take the red pill, you're saying someday
[00:49:14] I'll be able to get my dick hard with pills. No, Neo. I'm saying when you're ready, you
[00:49:20] won't have to. Neo comes out of the closet as gay and his dick just gets hard now. Yeah.
[00:49:26] Because he's not trying to just force himself to have an off agent Smith and I look at
[00:49:31] it. Just yeah, both hands making all the agents come. Yeah. And then they fall apart.
[00:49:40] Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Mm hmm. That's right folks. That's what that's called the
[00:49:45] gay tricks and I'm sure we've done some. I'm sure we've done 400 times the gay tricks.
[00:49:51] Let's see. What's another movie? The Postman only rings twice. How about is that a movie?
[00:49:58] I think I think that's too long a title for a movie called the Postman and then there's
[00:50:03] another movie called something rings. I don't know. The Postman with Kevin Costner. Kevin
[00:50:15] Bussner. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Postman. Bustman. Bustman. Coast. Coast. Coast man.
[00:50:26] Postman. Postman. Postman. We've done brain man. We've definitely done brain man. Definitely
[00:50:35] done brain man. I just I just can't wait to get my dick sucked. What about God damn it
[00:50:41] rake and you just stop getting your dick sucked for five minutes. That's a classic.
[00:50:46] Definitely getting my dick sucked. What about a gay sex afternoon? That is true. He's
[00:50:56] trans you know his girlfriend is trans or some shit. God damn it Ray. Could you just
[00:51:02] for once not fuck me in my ass. Officer I demand the bus that I can have gay sex on.
[00:51:10] That'll take me to then the robbing a sperm bank. They are. They are robbing us. What
[00:51:17] is the movie I'm thinking? Gay sex afternoon. That's something I already. Is it a James
[00:51:24] Bond movie about only ringing twice? Only rings. Only rings. Only. Yeah. Yeah. The postman
[00:51:38] always rings twice. It's a 1946 movie. Yeah. Always rings twice. Postman always rings twice.
[00:51:44] So the postman always busts twice. Postman balls balls knee. Yeah. There you go folks.
[00:51:54] That's what I was talking about. The postman. So Mad magazine is fucking closing down.
[00:52:07] Oh. Oh. They should go. They should switch the porn. Oh. Just that guy with the Facebook
[00:52:13] is caucus hard. Yeah. They make women. If you want to be a star you got to fuck Alfred
[00:52:20] E. Newman. You got it. People getting tricked into fucking Alfred E. Newman. That would
[00:52:27] be good. I'm just I'm like so I want the Epstein news now and it's going to fucking take forever.
[00:52:33] I'm sorry bro. I want him to all like immediately be like Bill Clinton. But you know it's not.
[00:52:39] It's either he'll go free or they'll kill him. Of course it's like immediately. Here's
[00:52:43] what's trending. Hashtag Epstein Trump. Yeah. Damn I want Bill to go down dude. Yeah. Sarah
[00:52:51] Silver may go read the whole thread. Oh we all need to know about about Epstein and Donald
[00:52:57] Trump and not all of the Democrats he's friends with. Yeah. Do you think Chuck Schumer got
[00:53:02] sucked off? Yes. He asked me again. Do you think Chuck Schumer got sucked off by kids?
[00:53:09] Yes. Okay. What about who are you worried being adjacent to somebody who like broke the
[00:53:16] Epstein stuff? Oh yeah. Are you right there going to come after you too? No. Because I'll
[00:53:21] I'll fucking fold. It is funny. I got that. I got that weird voice. Yeah. I'll betray Nick.
[00:53:26] I will go on the gay side. I got that voice. I'll go on the next day. I get that. Jeffrey
[00:53:29] Epstein's indicted and threatening voicemail. Oh damn. That is your your wildest dreams
[00:53:35] coming true. Wasn't that what he said? What are your dreams? I'll be a martyr. It's in
[00:53:42] my blood. I would love to be a martyr. I'm sorry when I have to when I have to testify
[00:53:48] that you actually were a pedophile because they'll kill my family if I don't. Yeah. I'm
[00:53:53] sorry. I'm sorry preemptively for that man. Just know I didn't want to do it but they
[00:54:00] people will know the truth. People will know what happened. When I when I'm going to be
[00:54:06] like I'm not flipping and then they just show me a video of my sweet mother with a gun up
[00:54:10] to her head when I get into a car accident driving 80 miles per hour directly into a
[00:54:14] concrete wall. We're not hesitating at all. And the talk screen comes up clear. Damn.
[00:54:20] You'll know that you'll know the truth. Yeah. Oh, that's what they'll have me do. They'll
[00:54:24] have me tearfully say Nick, why did you do it? We miss you. There was no foul play. He
[00:54:31] killed himself. Yeah. You don't want to work on that. That's pretty fucking rough so far.
[00:54:36] No, they'll want it just like that. But then the irony is I'll act but I'm not going to
[00:54:41] do a good job. That's my that's my form of resistance. That's a good friend. Hashtag resist.
[00:54:46] No, they'll kill me too. Probably. Damn it. Fuck. I want to live. This is so great too.
[00:54:53] It's like people talking about those girls that were sex trafficked by Jeffrey Epstein.
[00:54:59] There's people getting mad about like these are not sex workers. It's their slaves and
[00:55:04] they should be you know because it's offensive to sex workers. What? Wait, wait, wait, what?
[00:55:10] No, that's whole like not that it's expensive to sex workers that it's like offensive to
[00:55:14] them that they were it's different if you're you had a gun to your head. I don't know man.
[00:55:20] I like the whole sex worker thing is like you know I'm not this I'm that or whatever.
[00:55:26] It's like we know you are. But you can fuck it and just you're a small business owner
[00:55:34] dude. You're selling pussy. Yeah. Is the difference that you don't have a no I guess
[00:55:41] even if you have a pimp your your sex worker. It's just like I didn't look good. She's not
[00:55:46] a woman owned business though. Yeah. Get money. Get money however you can you deserve health
[00:55:53] care you fucking like well you know you like you should be safe doing whatever you fucking
[00:55:59] want to do but it's like I don't have any respect for you. Yeah, you know it's like I
[00:56:03] don't think it's brave. I don't like I don't I mean it's not like I like you have
[00:56:10] respect for anyone who has a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have any like disrespect but
[00:56:14] it's like you know like people like I came for a living and I'm a sex worker. You know
[00:56:19] you know this is the job. You're treating it as a job. Yeah, it's like okay. It's like
[00:56:24] why people who smoke weed it's like yeah well you're not getting in trouble for it. Yeah.
[00:56:27] Right. Oh that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like yeah. So easy to like
[00:56:31] be. Yeah, you're just saying it's just like open about it and proud. It's just like someone
[00:56:37] being like well I work at an office and I deserve or whatever. Yeah, right exactly.
[00:56:43] I'm not a fucking secretary. I'm an administrative assistant. Right, right, right. And it's all
[00:56:48] right. Whatever. I don't care. Yeah. I don't care what you do. Mm hmm. You know, stop making
[00:56:54] me say different. Stop learning making me learn new words. I don't want to learn any.
[00:57:00] That's sex and worker. Those are two different words that I already know do not combine them
[00:57:05] into your word. Well, it's also because like, you know, like if you told it like a day
[00:57:09] laborer, you'd be like, you know, what are you like a fucking grunt for pay? He'd be
[00:57:15] like, I guess. Yeah, he wouldn't be like, I am a day laborer. You would respect the title
[00:57:23] of my office. Yeah, but if they if they set up a fucking only fans, they did. Yeah. You
[00:57:30] know, we need to get these day laborers camming. Yeah, I want to see some guy jack off through
[00:57:37] his fucking stained dungarees for those dikies, dude. Yeah, they have saw dust and paint thinner
[00:57:43] all over them. I do want to hire day laborers if you get like 10 of them or maybe 15. Okay,
[00:57:48] and you put them in different rooms on webcams wearing hand tie t shirts. And then you just
[00:57:53] like flood chatter bait with like day laborers wearing hand tie t shirts and like see how
[00:57:58] much money you can make. So they'd be just jacking up to the still image on the shirt
[00:58:03] still image on their shirts and they just stand there. Maybe like Hector don't move
[00:58:09] Hector face the camera. Not lunch time yet. It's not lunch time. You'll get your huevos
[00:58:15] ranch arrows later facing the camera. Do you want your $12 or not? Do you for 18 hours of
[00:58:28] work? 17 hours. If you want lunch, you can drink the paint I left out. So what else is
[00:58:42] in the damn news? This is absent shit. And it's mushu's not in the new Mulan. What? Yeah,
[00:58:48] this is racist. Maybe he's not. I don't know. I haven't read very much. Oh, just on new little
[00:58:52] mermaid. There's a new Mulan. It's Scarlett your handsome doing the voice. You lying king.
[00:58:59] There's too many new like what the fuck? Yeah, at least Mulan is people. The new line king
[00:59:04] is like you're just watching shitty CGI animals. Yeah, a shot for shot remake in CGI. It doesn't
[00:59:10] make any fucking sense. Yeah, Mulan at least is people fine. But what the fuck you're taking
[00:59:14] the dragon? I think yeah, it said like in the in the preview or whatever they didn't see
[00:59:20] him anywhere in it. So I guess it's not confirmed. But since Twitter is a problem with it, I'm
[00:59:24] sure it'll change if it needs one black character in the movie. Right. I mean, it's fucked up
[00:59:29] that they don't represent the black people that live in ancient China as dragons. Who's
[00:59:33] the voice of Moose. It was any Murphy any crusted. Yeah. Now my name is a lot of that. Now, now
[00:59:44] here's my thing with the Mulan remake. Yeah. In the cartoon because it's a cartoon, they
[00:59:49] find out she's a woman by taking off her shirt. Damn, you remember Jackie Chan adventures?
[00:59:54] And then of course that show was awesome. It just popped into my head and I forgot about
[00:59:58] how much I love that show. Fuck it. The talismans. Yeah. Yeah. What was that on? It was on WB.
[01:00:03] Oh, yeah. Jade, we have to get to the talismans. Just making Jackie Chan do voice over work.
[01:00:10] Yep. Oh, dude, just in one take. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all like I can't wait to beat him
[01:00:16] up. Yeah. Okay. See you. One one episodes over the phone. You have to say it's like
[01:00:22] you can like hear the sonic quality. Clearly a telephone call. This is playing a voice.
[01:00:31] You just read all his shit into a voicemail. Right. This is Adam doing after he reads the
[01:00:36] dictionary. We'll put it together, Jackie. You say these 800 words and we got it from
[01:00:43] here. It's like the Chinese language. It's just mix and match. We'll put it together.
[01:00:47] As long as the chick Cleo. Yeah. No, that show was hilarious. I love that shit. Yeah, that
[01:00:51] shit was great. They should do a crossover of that and the Tony Sopranos. Oh, yeah. You
[01:00:56] want you want to make a fucking yeah. Yeah. Men who girl Tony, this girl you're seeing
[01:01:03] is she a Chinese Jackie Chan and she's 11 year old niece. It doesn't happen to be Jackie
[01:01:09] Chan's niece, which you mentioned earlier. Is it the fuckers them out of what you always
[01:01:14] got to ask every day this that is that I can't just meet somebody I fucking like. I can't
[01:01:21] be somebody that's fucking good for me. Well, Tony, it's just this fuck you bitch. She
[01:01:27] knows karate. And she's going to teach me and we're going to do karate together. I don't
[01:01:33] leave this fucking shit. Fuck the old ass professor just ends up dead in a ditch. Ted,
[01:01:44] your boyfriend is boy Fred is killing the rest of the Chinese. What are the talons even
[01:01:53] do that show was so I love you, but I can't deal with all these Chinese. Well, there's
[01:01:57] fucking Chinese shit Jackie Chan. I don't even remember what the point was. There's like
[01:02:01] an evil guy trying to get the talons. That show was just so like paint by numbers. It
[01:02:06] made no fucking sense. None of it was real like, you know, none of it was like specific
[01:02:12] to Jackie Chan. And they were just like, yeah, let's just cash in on this. Yeah, which I
[01:02:17] did respect five seasons five seasons. Yeah, I watched probably all of it. Yeah, there's
[01:02:26] no Chinese people involved in this show created by John Rogers, Dwayne Kapisi and Jeff Klein
[01:02:32] directed by Phil Weinstein. It's Frank, the school watch Frank's school watch. You could
[01:02:41] not have a more like fake at Frank's school. Hey, Frankie's school at the voices at least
[01:02:47] in my Jackie Chan, James Shea, Stacy Chan, Sab Shimono. There we go. No one else in Clancy.
[01:02:53] Oh, Clancy Brown was in. Who's that fucking the kurgan from? Oh, there we go. Yeah. You
[01:03:02] really didn't have to pretend to be having gay sex. Yeah, we were doing the highlighters
[01:03:08] hiding from the kurgan by pretending to be gay for 3000 years. I've been hiding in the
[01:03:14] York having gay sex from the kurgan. The kurgan. What's the kurgan? The kurgan is the bad guy
[01:03:23] from highlander. I mean, I was gonna find you. I wasn't. That's fine. I don't care that
[01:03:30] you're gay, but I am going to kill you. I just want to kill you. I don't have a price
[01:03:34] not because you're gay. But you found me even though I was having gay sex. Now I've got
[01:03:43] the taste for it. Now that I've broken the seal. Once an animal tastes human flesh. Yes,
[01:03:53] it's like a it's like a Pringle. Once you have one, you can't stop having all the gay
[01:03:59] sex. I don't really think that's how it works. To the point where you even want to put a
[01:04:03] Pringles can in your ass and fuck the Pringles guy. Okay, listen, man, I'm trying to kill
[01:04:08] you. You want to fight or I really just want to cut your head off. But now I'm worried there's
[01:04:14] a bunch of calm in your throat. I don't want any of the calm to get on me. My sword. I
[01:04:21] will. I do not want to come on my sword. Listen, tell Ramirez. We'll just call a range. Yeah,
[01:04:32] dry out. Stop having gay sex. I see you have gay sex to skirt off the kurgen plan worked.
[01:04:39] Now the cloud. Do you question my judgment and then forcing it to have gas sex with me
[01:04:48] for 3000 years? No, you were right, Ramirez. I should have never questioned you. Yeah, I
[01:04:59] would have to kill those guys, but they were never gay sex with each other. They were all
[01:05:06] but fucking each other. Oh, fuck me. I can't wait to have gay sex with the kurgen. Dude,
[01:05:16] what a dumb ass. I think I don't know if I said on the show or not, you know, he's
[01:05:21] blind. Yeah, it's tough to say you did say on the show because we've been there in Canada.
[01:05:26] We talked about him for like five days in a row. Yeah, after we watched Islander and
[01:05:31] fucking bullshit ass Ottawa. Yeah, we just talked about him forever. Yeah. Yeah, he's
[01:05:37] blind. He just kind of guesses his way through. Abby, no Christopher Land Bear. No. Yeah,
[01:05:42] he's a this French retard that they were like putting in movies for a while. Then eventually
[01:05:48] it stopped, but he's a terrible like can't act. He is bad at acting. And he's also blind.
[01:05:52] Wait, who is this? Let me look him up. Christopher Land Bear. Oh, oh, he plays great. Face all
[01:05:58] fucked up. No, he just looks like a toddler. I guess it's the lighting in this picture.
[01:06:04] He looks like it's like he's a burn victim in this. Would you like to have sex with him?
[01:06:08] Just is that a hot guy to you? No, he was in a lot of movies for some reason. Yeah, I don't
[01:06:13] know what's he like. He's really chill. Yeah, he knows good music. He's always those. Damn,
[01:06:18] he got a big old forehead. Yeah, I think you're about to talk about his penis. Yeah, that's
[01:06:23] also online. Is it his penis? Uh, balls. That's why I got that's why I got banned for Facebook.
[01:06:30] What a what a tease. I got banned from Facebook for posting his balls. I guess he wasn't that
[01:06:38] bad looking as a young guy. No, I mean, regular, but when he has it long and it's pulled back,
[01:06:42] it's like he was a movie guy for like you don't have to put your hair down. Cover it
[01:06:48] up. Maybe he likes a ponytail. No, he is utility. His no, his problem is like if you look at
[01:06:53] his hair, it's because he's got like a bunch of plugs. Oh, they don't know where to play
[01:06:58] as you get older. They're like, well, no one's going to believe that your hairline is there.
[01:07:02] Right. So we're just going to pick a spot on your head. And then that's where the plugs
[01:07:07] will start. And it's like, if you don't leave that to nature, it's a pretty shitty look.
[01:07:11] I'm going to live life as a bold man. And then in my advanced stage, get beautiful plugs.
[01:07:16] Yeah, the technology is there. Would you ever do like long hair with a ponytail? Yes. Yeah.
[01:07:21] 100%. Okay. I wish I balded in a traditional like horseshoe way instead of this shitty
[01:07:28] like diffuse balding way. Because if I had it, if right now, I would definitely have toothless
[01:07:34] little mustache bald ponytail. Oh, God. And I would be, yeah, I would have the whole nine.
[01:07:39] It would be incredible. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Lord didn't smile upon me in that way.
[01:07:44] I mean, I still think you should grow it out. Matt does. Matt's got the best hair. Matt's
[01:07:48] hair is brutal. It's. But I even shittier hair than Matt. If you can believe it. I love
[01:07:58] his hair, dude. I love that look. It works for him because he's like a fucking mad scientist
[01:08:01] looking. Any smart and shit. Yeah. Smart guys can have. I mean, yeah, if you're just going
[01:08:07] to go like, Oh, I don't care at all about it. Yeah. But that's whole aesthetic. Yeah. Yeah.
[01:08:12] Yeah. I buy my shoes from a fucking grocery store. Right. You know, that kind of shit
[01:08:18] gum in my wallet. That kind of guy. Fuck my cheeks. Let me do some real quick plugs here,
[01:08:30] everyone. Come see Funny Moms tomorrow. Then on the 16th and every Tuesday after that,
[01:08:38] come to the stand for I will be doing a weekly show there fat twos. These that'll be fun.
[01:08:45] This guy's also named Christopher Landehr. Oh, and he probably like introduces himself
[01:08:49] to people and he's like, Nope, not the famous actor. Yeah. No one that hasn't worked since
[01:08:54] like 1982. No one ever thought you were. Yeah. And I've also added some road dates in August,
[01:09:03] Rochester. I'm coming on August 3rd, coming to Boston on the 16th and 17th Oakland on the
[01:09:10] 24th Seattle on the 29th Portland on the 30th. And I might throw Philly in the mix and also
[01:09:17] a fucking Indianapolis. I'm going to make that one up in September. I know it's been forever.
[01:09:23] I had to reschedule that. But yeah, come see all of us do that shit. Funny Moms every
[01:09:29] Monday. But the first fat Tuesdays at the stand every freaking Tuesday. Abby, you got
[01:09:35] plugs? Yeah. Shane and I are going to Shane Gillis. Hell yeah. We're running a show on
[01:09:40] Thursdays at seven that rocks called city wide. So come check that out Thursday Thursdays.
[01:09:46] You're at the stand, bitch. Log on. I'm excited, dude. I can't wait to hang out at the standing
[01:09:50] dude. I missed the stand so much. It was such it was like we all would just fuck the new
[01:09:54] club is nice. It rules. And I was I was pessimistic about it because you know, it's like they
[01:09:59] I went and saw the showroom and they've got like seven audience mics in the ceiling.
[01:10:03] This like all this shit's weird. It's like plug and play like camera setups and stuff.
[01:10:06] So you get a horse. Specials. The layouts. Nice. The stage is huge now. Yeah, it's cool.
[01:10:11] I mean, it's the right size for stand. Right. You know, right. And like, but all the news
[01:10:15] about this stand while it was opening is like, yeah, we put a fucking we got a pizza.
[01:10:21] We got a Christian control a grand piano. Yeah, we got a fucking a chandelier from my grandmother's
[01:10:29] museum in Italy. Of course, they a million dollars. And we're gonna throw we're gonna
[01:10:34] be throwing Chrissy broke because he threw a pie through it. He was tossing pizza pies
[01:10:40] around before the grand opening. He got a bunch of drywall in the chandelier from tossing too
[01:10:48] many pies slapping pies. We got a we got a sledding simulate. We cut a hole through the top floor
[01:10:55] and there's a convey about the snow blower. You get on a sled and you could just sled forever.
[01:11:01] Yeah, it cost 80 85 billion dollars. But the fucking club rules. You guys got to check it
[01:11:07] out. Come see our shows there. Just go see fucking shows there. And they got the small
[01:11:11] room. That's awesome. That's where I've been doing my show. The little room's fun. And
[01:11:15] they got a big boy down there. We got a laser tag set up. We got laser tag. We got we rented
[01:11:20] out the polotano style. We rented out the first 35 floors of the building to turn into a laser
[01:11:26] tag. The fully simulated Chris Kyle laser tag experience. It's free for anybody that buys
[01:11:34] two drinks. Yeah, the new motherfucking stand on Union Square on 16th. Great location and
[01:11:41] everything. So yeah, go out there. They're that brother Jimmy's used to be brother Jimmy's.
[01:11:46] I've never heard of brother Jimmy's. What's that barbecue? Yeah, it's not good. Yeah,
[01:11:50] it doesn't seem good. Yeah. We got a Japanese bitch that's got sushi on her all the time.
[01:11:55] They could Japanese bitch laying down on the floor of men's bathroom. And you can just pick
[01:12:01] this unlimited sushi off this Japanese bitches pussy. I did a show one time where it was like
[01:12:07] a naked sushi. What going on after? But there was stand up before, but they didn't even
[01:12:12] announce what that it was a stand up show before I had to go up. It would be funny to
[01:12:17] there would not even host it. They just kind of half introduced me from the DJ booth. And
[01:12:22] then I had to like tell people, Hey, this is a comedy show. They all just were waiting
[01:12:26] to eat sushi off a naked woman. Yeah, they were like the models getting like ready while
[01:12:31] it'd be funny to send like order like one of those sushi girls in the place. And then
[01:12:34] they just send like just some huge fat. That's a few order.
[01:12:39] Or sushi. Yeah. Like I was gonna say like when it was like, there's like catered subs.
[01:12:45] Yeah. Big white trash bitch with a fucking hoe. Hello. How you doing? Y'all want sandwich
[01:12:56] pieces? Who's gonna eat these sandwich pieces? Oh, you're you're the one gonna eat it off
[01:13:02] my pussy. I know you're dirty. You I see it in your little eyes. No, that ain't blue
[01:13:10] cheese is very close face. No, I know you try to lick up that blue cheese is very close
[01:13:17] face. Hey, why ain't nobody eating the sandwiches? I got a special one for you, big boy. And
[01:13:28] then just a regular Japanese one with the sushi, but you get both and you were a two
[01:13:31] of those women. They're like, listen, we really only have the one. Yeah, but we met this woman
[01:13:37] who said she's down. We gave her like nine clonopins. Don't do a thing to me no more.
[01:13:45] They said, yeah, they said I can get the clonopins and they bought me a couple of scratch offs.
[01:13:50] Yeah. They're paying me scratch offs. Yeah. No, my asshole Phil was Sarah missed if he
[01:13:56] was a soda machine to your first thing. You know what? I got Sarah missed. I'm gonna suck
[01:14:03] Sarah missed diet out of my ass. Yeah, no, I don't make breast milk anymore. I just got
[01:14:10] vanilla Coke and mellow yellow in it. Yeah, if you do a pancake, boy, I got syrup in my
[01:14:18] pussy. Who wants fucking Twizzler boobs? I got twins. I got nerds rope shoved up my
[01:14:28] ass. That's why you business ventures. Big bitch catering. Yeah, just like Levante tattooed.
[01:14:41] Oh, yeah, from her shoulder across her tick. The mark is starting on the end of her body.
[01:14:48] The dates of his sentence and the end of the term aggravated assault one aggravated assault
[01:14:58] to aggravated assault three. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, brother.
[01:15:06] Yeah, I'm gonna go to the Bodega. Yeah, well, I have half a fucking sub waiting for me after
[01:15:13] that. And I'm very my I'm very fucking appetized off that shit. One final thing I wanted to say.
[01:15:23] I got to move. I didn't move after earlier. I know you fuck. We can wrap this up anyways,
[01:15:31] but thank you for listening, everyone. Thank you for listening. As always, I am selling
[01:15:36] t-shirts now. It comes out town by the boy shirts. They're good. Yeah, I got no collusion
[01:15:41] one. Are you working on that? I'm working on that. A little that's a little fucking.
[01:15:45] Yeah, that's a little fucking hint. I might have to do an Epstein one instead. Yeah, you
[01:15:51] have to the same idea. The same idea with Jeffrey. Free Jeff. No, no, no, no, no, it says nothing.
[01:15:57] It's just you know, just just posing just post it up. We can't reveal you'll have to see.