Cum Town | Premium | 12/02/2019
[00:00:07] yeah it's a sunday of things we're getting heated about the coffee shop yeah
[00:00:14] and not it's a gay bar called the coffee shop that he likes to go to
[00:00:19] for the concert i don't know i can't work with it where it's your it's your
[00:00:22] fucking call but on your behalf it's like it's infuriating no one is no
[00:00:27] okay but there is a gay bar that whenever your beard ask you where you're
[00:00:30] going to say i'm going to the coffee shop that's actually a small it's a
[00:00:33] leather daddy bar and and the front in the front in the front it's just a
[00:00:37] function of no we were making up with a place for you so excited so excited
[00:00:42] no you wait a day there was a very event myself there was a strip club in
[00:00:48] vegas when i was growing up called the library that was their joke
[00:00:52] that like honey where you go in the library but like who is the middle of
[00:00:55] the night is going to the library at nine p.m. yeah in the middle of the
[00:00:59] night you're going to the library your dumbass wife that is to like have to
[00:01:03] lie to your wife well to go to a strip club yeah all of it i got to go to my
[00:01:07] wife leave like a strip club is for women what women that are like yeah
[00:01:12] women have beautiful body that's who goes there now that's not true 25 years
[00:01:17] ago you may have been correct on this but with like the ubiquity of pornography
[00:01:21] you can watch somebody masturbate on camera in your home sure there's no
[00:01:25] reason to go it's for old school during the wine i go into pay a chick 200
[00:01:28] bucks a sniffer ass because you once years ago anyway worth what we're
[00:01:33] doing is the return of Ian yeah we're thankful for Ian Ian's back for you
[00:01:38] who you guys mentioned who lived in his own band that he placed on himself
[00:01:42] yeah well you guys talked about my european tour we
[00:01:46] plugged it and a bunch of people came out and it was really nice and we
[00:01:49] wanted to thank you and we support you and thank you i think what we said was
[00:01:52] a bunch of your people people like oh what is there is a gay clown that is
[00:02:14] i mean i don't even know how to process do it again
[00:02:25] unbelievable in anticipation that he called you a gay clown
[00:02:30] it was just so fitting you he knew the timing was so spot oh
[00:02:35] that's great i am as the best thing it's ever happened all right goodbye
[00:02:40] i don't he's got to get to serious xm yeah that's where i found this life was
[00:02:45] really yeah you're doing Nicky's show no no we're off this week
[00:02:55] lie down this what it's called right you're still awake enough to fuck my pussy
[00:03:01] i wish you started we should get into morning shows yeah dude honestly i would
[00:03:04] love to have a morning show let's pivot dude me too
[00:03:06] it'd be so great you know you're about this there's a guy we just got bitches
[00:03:11] the sound of papers ruffling this guy in florida that tried to start his own
[00:03:15] zoo in the backyard didn't have the permits for the monkeys
[00:03:20] so he got a black person oh one of the local one of the local fellas down
[00:03:26] there i hope that's picking up it picked up the first two times but
[00:03:31] not the third yeah it's okay i'll let you know if it's
[00:03:34] picks up yeah okay you point to me and i'll
[00:03:35] slide the whistle yeah absolutely you believe what florida's up to
[00:03:46] no Nick crazy tell us crazy what happened in florida i have cancer
[00:03:54] i think hey folks if you're just joining us traffic's pretty bad i
[00:03:59] i'm four ninety five today leaving leaving sikakis clears up after that and i
[00:04:06] have cancer i'm fighting cancer i'm fighting cancer love me anymore i've
[00:04:09] been smelting off of me like a snowman i make three hundred thousand dollars
[00:04:13] a year radio man and i have cancer and i have cancer
[00:04:17] i lost all my good will with my family cheating on my wife cancer so areas
[00:04:21] why it was very funny i mean everybody was saying fuck cancer forever but i
[00:04:25] think you know in some time we're gonna look back and we'll be like actually
[00:04:29] cancer was pretty cool i don't see that turn around that's why
[00:04:33] i spoke so many cigarettes oh you should finally get to cool cool yeah
[00:04:38] yeah i'm trying to have heart disease oh yeah you got to get that from six
[00:04:42] you can get heart disease oh yeah yeah big time that's one now i'm like a
[00:04:47] asshole blood disease oh home blood disease how was that
[00:04:51] what's that like heart disease it's where you have to be a mall cop
[00:04:54] where you just have to spend all your time at the mall
[00:04:57] paul blart children's doctor it's like patch atoms but it's paul blart
[00:05:02] okay and he's like you can't die jesus right around in a fucking segue
[00:05:08] he's like what are you guys doing in your dying
[00:05:10] come on this is gonna go on my record if you die i haven't i haven't seen paul
[00:05:14] blart though to be fair i haven't seen it either i was like nobody's all
[00:05:18] yeah i did that's a big movie in Delaware yeah it's filmed in Delaware
[00:05:23] takes place there don't really use funny balls of fury
[00:05:26] that movie sucks dic no it doesn't the ping pong movie
[00:05:31] that shit is called her fucking lame dude dude that movie is that we've heard
[00:05:35] on right now it is let's live so fun that you brought
[00:05:39] that movie up it's horrible i got free i got free passes too i want to thank
[00:05:43] you and watch the different balls of fear yeah
[00:05:46] yeah is that do you want the slide what's on what we're telling us
[00:05:49] yeah let me tell you about this type of porn that you
[00:05:53] oh right you asked us a question oh poppers porn yeah that's the gay part
[00:05:57] of our people like poppers trainers and they tell you when to is that like a jay
[00:06:01] jayo live video jayo live with your golf
[00:06:04] inspiration instruction video i don't know that
[00:06:08] but this they have different ones they like i like i'll don't take one of those
[00:06:11] everyone's it's like going to a yoga class exactly i needed guided i need
[00:06:16] someone firm but ultimately submissive what are they doing wanting my cum you
[00:06:20] know they tell you how to jerk off yes they tell you to jerk off they say they
[00:06:25] want your cum all this kind of stuff and then they're like stop and they make
[00:06:28] you like edge or what yes some of the more advanced ones see i
[00:06:32] personally don't like to edge i like to just be
[00:06:34] treated like a little prince who's cum is who's cum is like uh you know
[00:06:39] delicacy del exactly yes yes could i be the jester taste tip to make sure it's
[00:06:44] not poison what am i then you snowballing the woman that i'm
[00:06:48] fucking smout i'm like i'm his good sire
[00:07:03] a big life goal of mine is to pass every single try not to come challenge on
[00:07:07] porn hub hell yeah how are you doing so far i'm zero for
[00:07:11] a thousand i haven't believed in you i am always
[00:07:16] calming what is it when i am in the gym i'm
[00:07:18] calming oh yeah oh Arnold so anyway poppers seems like a more advanced
[00:07:23] tells about a jerk off in instruction well they have like these different
[00:07:27] poppers trainers where it's like inhale hold three two one yeah
[00:07:32] read and then like have you ever done poppers i have yes
[00:07:36] yeah and you know how like makes you remember for your birthday we were doing
[00:07:39] 30 seconds where are we from my birth yeah oh yeah
[00:07:42] when i was on acid you were on acid i was on acid
[00:07:46] just fuck that dude poppers oh yeah i used to do coke and computer
[00:07:53] speedball Delaware special the hippie crack in a basement
[00:07:58] having to tell my mom we were wrestling that's why there was a hole in the
[00:08:01] wall because my friends head went through it
[00:08:04] yeah we're just adults wrestling Bob we weren't a drug we weren't having gay
[00:08:08] sex yeah what's the scariest place you've ever been doing drugs
[00:08:12] what's the what's the place that you've like opened your eyes actually like and
[00:08:16] had a sober moment but like how did i end up here
[00:08:21] and he's taken dressed up as a jester tasting some fat guys come
[00:08:27] like i woke up and i woke up in like some australia man's
[00:08:31] lower east side like mansion apartment with like plants and waterfalls and
[00:08:36] everything what yeah yeah and i like woke up naked
[00:08:38] i was like just the gay version of jeffrey epsi
[00:08:41] yeah here just some australian guy yeah i was like how did i get here
[00:08:46] like well last night the pizza shop you
[00:08:48] dared me that i couldn't fuck you in the air so
[00:08:51] did you know what i was like did you he's like no you came home you puked got naked
[00:08:58] fell asleep in my bed i was like well done repeatedly
[00:09:02] you didn't even give this guy some boy put out of some sex
[00:09:05] now i just i just need to raise the stake
[00:09:08] so you're you're ready to fuck for shelter he didn't give up i think i was ready to
[00:09:11] fuck for pizza for pizza or show yeah but yeah i just like woke up and left
[00:09:16] i was like what's the dude why did you leave he was
[00:09:18] he had a mansion in the lower east side i know i could have been
[00:09:20] sure could have been your husband yeah you could you should have married this
[00:09:24] motherfucker dude well that's not like i came out of a blackout and i was at this
[00:09:27] dude's place i met him at the cock you ever go to the cock i have not
[00:09:30] they just gave up without the gate dash hole
[00:09:39] uh fucking and the dude uh was like giving me coke and i was telling him that i
[00:09:46] could like read a script and get it get it on tv
[00:09:50] yeah yeah of course and it was called lower east side ballers
[00:09:56] i wish i could find it my email was the worst thing i've ever read sounds
[00:09:58] awesome dude yeah it's terrible like athletes and then and then he asked for
[00:10:03] like 50 bucks or coke and i gave him a five and thought i was like slick and he
[00:10:07] chased me down the street was like oh sorry i messed up gotta go for the
[00:10:10] Thanksgiving and you just didn't give him the
[00:10:13] 45 no i did you did i felt bad yeah i always felt bad about
[00:10:18] ripping people off did you have sex with him now he's like gross he was gross yeah
[00:10:24] but you have his email i think let me find it
[00:10:29] it was called like lower east side ballers it was so bad it was like
[00:10:34] the court comes alive when the lower east side ballers
[00:10:38] are balling out oh so it was literally about like street ball on the lower
[00:10:41] side yeah yeah that's hilarious yeah this guy's name was like
[00:10:44] chilsey that's tragic oh yeah it was terrible
[00:10:52] anyway finished talking about poppers porn so what happens now do you jack off
[00:10:55] to it or what do you do they train you know what you do to a woman or
[00:10:57] a man no it's pretty easy to learn how to do poppers you just smell it
[00:11:01] it's like the experience of like they tell you when to breathe when to hold it
[00:11:05] in when to like let go and then um some of it's like normal
[00:11:10] but then they have one that's like sissy popper trainer and it's like
[00:11:15] breathe in it's like it's like it's like you're you're a homo for Satan
[00:11:22] it's just like so insulting it's like it's like grab your stupid dumb cock you
[00:11:26] fucking gay retard he's the fucking craziest thing in the world
[00:11:31] i wish i could find it it's so fucking weird you're like i wish i could find it
[00:11:35] you just it's on your phone right now do i just like stumbled into it like
[00:11:39] what the fuck oh i'm sure you just did a stumbling
[00:11:41] you stumbled into this stumble i can't wait to stumble into some places
[00:11:46] some government offices oh yeah with a little aka so whoops i just stumbled
[00:11:50] in here by accident whoops each yeah i'm just in here by accident
[00:11:54] still a little mr. Magoo action with the bump stock
[00:12:01] nick is threatening to make some of the government building
[00:12:04] if you're miss that Ian i was looking for my
[00:12:09] key retard board and con edge which are there's nobody there
[00:12:13] yeah it's an empty building just filled with servers
[00:12:24] yeah he just she started shooting in a bunch of steam killed it
[00:12:28] dude that would be horrible that's a classic action movie thing
[00:12:33] ah yes you're a classic move that's your rock
[00:12:39] i do fuck with that you ever do a cleveland scene or in
[00:12:44] no oh here it is ready okay your penis controls you i mean
[00:12:49] yeah this is gay pornography gay porn controls you
[00:12:53] Ian is just showing us a video of a man fucking a man in the ass
[00:12:56] you i think you should put the mindless i think you should put the music on
[00:13:01] that's adding to the game it's just cruising usa music
[00:13:04] right it says it says jerk your weenie like a retard
[00:13:12] cruising world jerk your weenie like a retard is pretty good
[00:13:16] right how fucking funny is that there's some guys that whether it's like is
[00:13:20] this is good yeah oh shit that was fun anyway about
[00:13:26] murdering people nick you didn't say anything about murdering people
[00:13:29] no i'm not trying to catch catch a charge he's not trying to catch a case i'm
[00:13:34] trying to catch a case i'm just saying i'm going to go shoot up a government
[00:13:40] i know i know i didn't say no no no no no i see they can't get you if you just
[00:13:45] threatening to uh commit felony one vandalism
[00:13:50] trespassing it's only if you you say you're going to do violence
[00:13:54] felony one is also what they call it if adam ever raped someone because
[00:13:57] this is one year old this penis is one inch it could be a one-year-old you know
[00:14:01] whatever it is a lot of different kind of different ways do that one
[00:14:06] well done thank you man there's lots of good
[00:14:08] to play around with yeah thanks Ian your well felony it's like a
[00:14:11] enseganirvana for the felons mm-hmm it's like the the druids talk to felony
[00:14:17] which is a good the goddess velvet clubhouse oh
[00:14:22] velvet velvet lounge i thought oh felony is like uh
[00:14:27] when you said the druids i thought it was like felony is like an ancient
[00:14:29] goddess i think about how look but yes felony
[00:14:38] and it's for the felons it was the goddess of committing
[00:14:41] sex have had me great it's like with a man but in a
[00:14:44] like j-alekai like older black dudes had their own Norse mythology
[00:14:49] and it was just like yes black israeli yeah but they don't have
[00:14:52] mythology that's just that's still just the old testament
[00:14:55] um to the so what their Norse mythology be it would be like you know
[00:15:00] the i mean i guess like the Egyptian gods but cooler
[00:15:03] but they kind of do that though they they like or draw all the
[00:15:06] Egyptian gods like just jacked modern black eyes yeah
[00:15:13] and quants and cangs what if there was like a gay al-qaeda
[00:15:17] when you die you go to a brine singer pool party that would be cool that would
[00:15:22] be pretty cool you could be signing up a whole other
[00:15:26] group of uh that was to join the terrorist
[00:15:29] adam do you want the slide whistle that no i know you can keep that dog
[00:15:34] you get it right i want to get on that you said that before
[00:15:36] how did i yeah drunk sorry man so what's everybody doing for fucking
[00:15:41] thanksgiving huh boys i'm going to see my family
[00:15:44] nice vega style vega style baby what's on the menu dude
[00:15:48] uh what's on the menu try not to get killed by uh in a mass shooting
[00:15:52] you know is that still fresh in my mind
[00:15:57] when they're doing for thanksgiving didn't you say you were going to Las
[00:16:02] vegas i said i was going to the to the mandolay bay to
[00:16:13] little town in the west if you catch my dream oh yeah
[00:16:19] what happens in vegas stays in vegas mmm yeah i don't know maybe i'll just
[00:16:23] go upstate and find like a bed and breakfast or something okay
[00:16:26] well i guess yeah you saw your family last weekend
[00:16:29] i'll be here on my dad i i um i might uh yeah i don't know
[00:16:34] be nice to go in the woods and we're back he and kicked out the power cord
[00:16:39] no i if you did you're so excited to tattle on someone else for once
[00:16:44] i've never once tattle it's finally not your fault i've never once
[00:16:47] tattled my bad you should get a your you just
[00:16:50] tattled that wasn't a tattle it wasn't that's not the way
[00:16:53] informative you negate what i say it was a snitch if you wanted to argue with me
[00:16:56] you'd say i've never fucked up i've literally been water-boarded and
[00:16:59] still not tattled you but you just tattled i wasn't a
[00:17:03] tattle you tattle on e and i said adam so excited to
[00:17:05] tattle that someone else fucked up the recorder
[00:17:08] and you're supposed to say i've never fucked up the recording
[00:17:11] no you don't say you don't deny the thing that you you literally just did
[00:17:15] the prompt it wasn't a tattle i was just trying to
[00:17:17] bring everyone in to kind of give them a three-dimensional view of what's going
[00:17:21] on in the room i'm giving it up to the inside of the
[00:17:24] it's kind of a listener experience kind of thing i like how people say like he's
[00:17:27] playing 3d chess and it's like you know how fucking gay you have to be to play
[00:17:31] 3d chess i guarantee you no one who's good at 3d
[00:17:35] chess is good at actual chess yeah that's true it's some fake shit from star wars
[00:17:39] right and be like wow that guy's really good with languages and you're like
[00:17:42] what does he speak he's like i don't know english uh
[00:17:44] cling on mhm that's it and it's like oh it sounds like he's a loser
[00:17:49] is three is that a real game 3d chess uh it's from star trek
[00:17:53] oh damn that does suck yeah star wars has right has chess it's regular but
[00:17:58] they have like little god little guys go yeah i really i think about like
[00:18:01] chinese finger traps and chinese checkers and how chinese people have no
[00:18:05] idea you know they have no idea the truth is all this stuff that they
[00:18:10] really taking selfies yeah he is a girl asked me a
[00:18:14] send her picture of what i'm doing right now well you're on the fuck you're in
[00:18:18] the fucking clock bitch that sounds important what's
[00:18:21] girl your phone has been taken now me and star were talking to the girl
[00:18:25] yeah our girlfriend yeah what's up yeah let's face time
[00:18:31] right away who's this girl Adam uh which girl that's the question
[00:18:35] whoa mr gets pussy oh i read that is just burning that
[00:18:39] little dick ranch huh she's a witch yeah
[00:18:42] yeah i met her at the intersectional witch
[00:18:49] hell yeah just before any of you fucking
[00:18:54] he's just yeah okay think you're gonna get one over
[00:18:57] think you gonna come to me with some spelling stuff
[00:19:05] i went to uh uh i walked past uh what was it called intersectional
[00:19:10] feminist witch shop the other day and i walked in and they had a chillum
[00:19:15] uh shaped like a pussy now that's some shit i'm interested in
[00:19:18] which honestly so the weed goes into the pussy hole there's like a little hole
[00:19:22] yeah the weed goes in the pussy hole and then there's like a whole whole at
[00:19:25] the bottom honestly i'd love to blaze out of that is the hole at the bottom
[00:19:28] a pussy hole as well so you're stuck hole i don't think it's i don't think it's
[00:19:32] anatomical hole i think they just add a hole to
[00:19:36] to smoke the weed out of but interesting but it was but you know you
[00:19:40] but what i'm saying is the pussy is more decorative than functional
[00:19:44] so on the outside so someone looking at you sees a pussy
[00:19:48] but your mouth goes on to just a regular just ceramic that's not decorated to
[00:19:52] look like a pussy it's just the bottom of the pussy lips
[00:19:56] yeah is where your mouth goes the vulva the vulva
[00:20:00] but honestly now that i think about it it would be incredibly lame for me to
[00:20:04] not do that with me that would be awesome that would be awesome
[00:20:07] you're just like hanging out yeah you gotta get a suit with a bunch of
[00:20:10] buttons on it yeah you want to smoke this pussy
[00:20:14] i would love to see you met a chick at an intersectional witch
[00:20:18] oh wow i'm just having to have a serious conversation with my friends
[00:20:24] we're trying to have a serious conversation we don't have a serious
[00:20:27] conversation as i ri uf let me ask you some who controls
[00:20:31] 98 percent of the world's wealth but they're only two percent of the
[00:20:36] serious exe now you want to have a serious conversation
[00:20:41] all right let's get into some issues some real the real issues i don't even
[00:20:45] think it's two percent of the world i think it's two percent of america
[00:20:49] yeah it's probably should have seen the last it's probably the last so is this
[00:20:52] girl a witch no no i've never fucked a witch
[00:20:55] you know you buy i hung out with a girl the other night that
[00:20:58] went to witch school mmm Jesus Christ right hell yeah hogwarts i was so into it
[00:21:04] did you fuck tell me no no you just try what's witch school
[00:21:09] well they teach you about cauldron god damn it i got to get into higher
[00:21:12] education there's so much money to be made i don't think i don't i don't i
[00:21:16] might get you that's not an accredited university i know but the fucking
[00:21:20] charge twenty thousand dollars a year and you're like the art
[00:21:27] and like if you're here well because you already gave me
[00:21:32] twenty thousand dollars so obviously i'm pretty good at this i'm a good
[00:21:34] persuasion what you got to do is you got to come up with a college
[00:21:38] and then these kids they all pay and i make them sign a document that says
[00:21:41] whatever idea for a scam college they come up with
[00:21:45] persuasion university owns this just a plot to them just in long movie
[00:21:49] we build out the uh no i know that uh yeah
[00:21:53] one movie uh accepted yeah yeah it was like shit you're in it
[00:21:59] you mean dodgeball in the hills in it don't move he's good that's also in that
[00:22:03] i haven't seen bench warmers either but i was gonna guess it's not that good
[00:22:07] it's good next words since great and next words since funny but
[00:22:11] and david spade shnider i love that gay character
[00:22:19] tarry you know nine one one on pretty much all of them very
[00:22:23] you know he's not gay and grandma's boy he's not gay and grandma's boy right now
[00:22:27] that's a good movie yeah that's a movie i love that
[00:22:30] movie fucking rule after that movie for like six months me and my friend
[00:22:42] now that is some good shit jonah hills character was just sucking on titties
[00:22:46] yeah that was that was that's who i wanted to be for the boys
[00:22:49] for the balance dude that's up there and felony and the yeah
[00:22:54] and the girl yeah oh that's played twenty more seven is around watching grandma's
[00:22:59] boy getting head watching grandma's boy playing
[00:23:07] we're gonna push it out of a blue to hilarious line in the original hangover
[00:23:11] when he comes to pick him up at the house and he like honks up a page of
[00:23:14] dr faggot of course how can we forget yeah i know so
[00:23:19] funny dude they nailed that one they got it
[00:23:21] now people are like yeah they say you can't do comedy without being mean
[00:23:25] then explain this yeah and then it's like somebody like
[00:23:29] dancing and dancing and then typing upon yeah
[00:23:32] that why do people do they know it's embarrassing to do what they don't
[00:23:36] actually believe there's one i promise they let boring people
[00:23:40] like come in and decide what's good which is happening with everything and
[00:23:44] then they were in the morning nobody used to give a shit about comedy so it
[00:23:46] was able to just be funny right now and some shit happened over here
[00:23:51] and this and that and everything sucks so there you go
[00:23:55] i miss that girl the erasers for your heart girl
[00:23:59] yeah laura and the boy i actually fucked her
[00:24:02] yeah i fucked her now that i think about it
[00:24:05] there was a good fucker there was some girl with the
[00:24:09] vine account who was growing on vine it was like real popular routines and you
[00:24:13] got the impression that she was like 17 but she was like 26 years old really
[00:24:17] yeah and i guess now she does yeah all of her all of her vines were like just
[00:24:21] this like twee inspirational bullshit that just like but she would do it in a
[00:24:26] way that was just so embarrassing that if she had been doing it as a joke it
[00:24:30] would be like fucking one of the funniest things ever
[00:24:32] she has one but she at first i thought she was just really fun she has like an
[00:24:35] eraser like a pencil eraser she's like you know the reason that erasers don't
[00:24:39] work on your heart is because who you are and who you were born to love
[00:24:42] she throws it up in the air and caches and goes isn't a mistake
[00:24:46] i love that so much dude i know that is funny
[00:24:51] but that's also something you would watch and be like that's so true
[00:24:54] you're crying and i'm alone closing out of the popper instruction
[00:24:57] i don't have to jerk my weenie lekareet
[00:25:07] just because i jerk my weenie lekareet art doesn't mean i am a retard
[00:25:11] you know you know you do that on every show you're on now right you
[00:25:21] you travel with it no you're literally doing prop comedy
[00:25:24] i brought it here because i would have fun and felony okay i like i got to get
[00:25:27] to serious and he just dress up a client niki seeing how many free sex toys
[00:25:32] can fit in your ass promotional sex toys sent to serious
[00:25:36] you're like yeah i'm a professional comedian i got a job on the radio
[00:25:46] that's a good job man comes with benefits you know i would like to be a
[00:25:49] you get a health insurance from niki he doesn't uh no let me answer that right
[00:25:54] away they pay you he probably gets paid 25 dollars
[00:25:56] i pay to be there yeah he gets half off with the serious xm
[00:26:01] lunch cafeteria series and look unless you have a big contract that pays dog
[00:26:04] shit yeah they they don't pay they really fuck people well but it's all right
[00:26:09] it's good no if you if you say if you like if they do when they do a trial run
[00:26:13] they pay you like two hundred dollars a show
[00:26:16] which didn't they try to pitch that to us really no no it's like i i know it was
[00:26:26] which honestly i don't know why me and tim didn't just
[00:26:31] like let coming luis is good at business and selling stuff but only directly to
[00:26:36] his fans right you know or like i mean that festival is like
[00:26:39] great i mean i couldn't do that you know when is it
[00:26:42] but it's going to work are you going to but bastard radio one of the greatest
[00:26:46] missteps of bastard radio but this is the worst
[00:26:52] name is that what he called it yeah he was supposed to be me him and Tim and he
[00:26:56] put together he put we put together like a i don't know if there was actual
[00:26:59] clips of a promo because like we would do like real ask dude or real podcast
[00:27:03] or whatever those were great yeah it was always fun
[00:27:05] and so we were like we should because i would love i would still love to have
[00:27:08] a morning show this is me me tim and uh who's the other guy
[00:27:17] anyways back to trashing series if i could show if i could show you could come on it
[00:27:22] wow thanks we need a weather guy what are we gonna be you and and you get a
[00:27:26] contract you make a decent amount of money like you probably make a hundred
[00:27:30] grand a year off like a morning show yeah but also if you get your stand up
[00:27:33] tracks player you can make money on residuals real well
[00:27:36] you stand up sure but yeah that's different from being on the radio right
[00:27:40] but being on the radio it pays the promotion like well enough but it's not
[00:27:44] yeah but here's all i want i want to have to wake up at five a.m and go to
[00:27:52] and then i get out chain mail fucking radan hat
[00:27:57] aka 47 the morning bastard the bastards the bag the faggot bastards
[00:28:08] that's so insane that's what we call it yeah bastard yeah i'm saying about calling
[00:28:13] it oh the faggot bastards that's some better that's a way better than that
[00:28:17] bastard radio do they just laugh you out of the room i don't know he sent he sent
[00:28:23] me and him the proposal that he sent the serious and it was like okay well
[00:28:27] we're not getting this we're not it's like handwritten barely legible
[00:28:32] yeah it sucks that like we would even have to name it
[00:28:34] you know because it's like fucking Tim Lewis and Tim and Lewis called that you
[00:28:39] don't even have to put my name on i don't give a shit yeah it's like the
[00:28:42] like the best radio show the howard stern show yeah exactly yeah yeah
[00:28:47] fucking opian ant yeah you don't need anything i mean maybe a cool nickname
[00:28:52] that's why the opian ant they wouldn't have been successful if it was
[00:28:55] Greg and Anthony that is true that's true that's
[00:28:58] so you should change your name to fucky i should change my day
[00:29:01] fucky Tim and Lewis to uh to to your jimbo yo jimbo
[00:29:06] beardo beardo in the morning good jimbo what's your jimbo i'm guessing
[00:29:13] you it's some beard oil it's racist Lewis and Tim with beard oil
[00:29:17] mm-hmm okay thanks yeah that's a good that's a nice
[00:29:20] ender it's a nice idea yeah yeah good job dude so when are you and it's
[00:29:24] definitely a good shame mail in the morning keep going no
[00:29:27] yes he's gonna shoot through this definitely qualifies you to make fun of
[00:29:30] bastard radio yeah i will watch maulin in the
[00:29:35] game what would you call your radio show i love my apple watch dude i'm glad i got
[00:29:39] i got one again yeah i got rid of it why you got the newer one
[00:29:43] it's uh then again well you know what was i was using a lot when i was
[00:29:46] exercising and then i stopped exercising and then it kept being like your heart
[00:29:50] is exploding yeah are you still riding your bike
[00:29:52] no no no chance yeah we had a nice little six months of riding bikes but
[00:29:57] yeah that i think that's over that ended now my thing is uh soliciting
[00:30:01] sorry uh opiates from the audience is exercise yeah watch it watch it watch
[00:30:07] are you doing okay sorry sorry i'm minding my own business
[00:30:11] what i'm doing i don't know what you're fucking nigg i'm really i really
[00:30:14] liking this new haircut if you were mine you really are looking handsome yeah
[00:30:18] you're looking good i'm probably this is probably the last the last chance i
[00:30:22] have it having a haircut before i start going bald no stop it with this you
[00:30:25] thought you were getting bald you seven years ago i cannot i will not yeah i
[00:30:29] don't any friend of our friend stavros for you know what i mean it's way this
[00:30:32] is like someone with a mild sunburn going to somebody who has a
[00:30:35] fucking fourth degree their skin is melted off their face and i was fired i'd be
[00:30:39] like bro i feel you dude i was down in rohobas people absolutely do that
[00:30:45] they're like do you have to make everything about yourself i'm like yeah
[00:30:47] because usually there's a punchline at the end it's called being comedian you
[00:30:51] fucking asshole i'm here to entertain you i think i give a shit about the
[00:31:00] the uso pays me to feel good about myself and pretend that i could have done
[00:31:04] this war it is not to make sure you have a good time
[00:31:08] it will be funny usos like i'm sorry that you're you have it wrong actually
[00:31:13] we you are hired to make sure they have a good time
[00:31:16] i was like i was under the impression that i was here so that i can see
[00:31:20] that these these people have to know who's right
[00:31:23] they're defending because the troops are so upset because they're over there
[00:31:27] and they're like we're fighting for freedom of speech
[00:31:29] but like we want to see somebody that's good at freedom of speech yes
[00:31:33] i'm i then i come on stage i'm like why don't we use black people's hair is
[00:31:39] but that's it yeah there's amendment protected why can't i touch it
[00:31:42] like either i can say the word or i can touch the hair and they're like this is
[00:31:50] just a moron a high school dropout being racist and being paid
[00:31:57] handsomely for it yeah dude that's the point of the uso
[00:32:01] that's what the troops need they should let us do the uso
[00:32:06] organize the uso tour oh you want to see we should be in like
[00:32:09] the yeah we can demonstrate a role we can book bands
[00:32:12] yes you know we could book the hot chicks oh yeah
[00:32:16] do us to come when they had hot ladies go to the war
[00:32:20] and like the fucking the world war two the nasty 50s
[00:32:23] do they all get to fuck the lady or do they get to see her pussy or something
[00:32:27] what uh no i i think bob hobo probably did
[00:32:30] think bob hobo got the fuck those girls definitely dipped it in all those six
[00:32:34] hold some trim you think so oh he definitely hit a golf ball like
[00:32:38] it was pushed it up but you know in her pussy this cat is so cute
[00:32:41] yeah what's the name heather that you do you're casting your cat is now named
[00:32:45] heather that's so funny that you picked your cat
[00:32:49] i mean it's not the cat's name is what you mean saying the cat's name is
[00:32:53] heather is heather is heather is heather big sticks
[00:32:57] reviews today the cat for months oh i love heather
[00:33:01] heather's a perfect name she's named after heather loklear
[00:33:04] hi heather hi baby is that the hottest heather
[00:33:08] she was a 90s hot she was named the cat responds to like whistles
[00:33:13] so it's like castos other names so then you just call the cat whatever it's
[00:33:17] doing you know it's screaming your bitey
[00:33:19] well if it responds to whistles there's no there's no more apt man to name her
[00:33:24] she's biting and she's screaming and she's
[00:33:25] then Ian slide whistle we're doing by what are you doing by she screams a lot
[00:33:29] heather there's a lot of screaming in her
[00:33:31] come here heather oh heather hi baby she hates it
[00:33:34] she hates you she can smell the cum all over your hands
[00:33:39] why is it my dripping she'd be lapping it up for sustenance dude
[00:33:43] look at her Heather loves this that is true
[00:33:47] i agree with you and heather does love this yeah
[00:33:50] she's got her pussy just up in the air dude yeah
[00:33:52] she wants Ian to finger bomber there you go
[00:33:56] Ian have you got her fingered an animal we see you go here he goes shabby
[00:34:00] now i put my thumb on my thumb what's up shabby
[00:34:04] never did you know what he grabbed nicked for the listeners at home
[00:34:10] grabbed the cat by the scruff of its neck
[00:34:13] yeah well you know that's how their mothers carry it
[00:34:15] yeah it makes them that doesn't hurt them do you ever rub your beard on the
[00:34:18] cat's whiskers you shouldn't do it with a cat that's uh if it's a bigger cat you
[00:34:22] shouldn't do it right but she's small now it's okay
[00:34:25] do you ever rub your beard on its whiskers no like nose wiggles and kisses
[00:34:30] no that's what i do with my cat no i like petting the cat i like
[00:34:34] getting it to riled up you know oh i just get it
[00:34:38] get it pissed off well they like that you know i think
[00:34:41] Heather has her loves it look at her yeah she's actually having you get her
[00:34:44] riled up she starts biting a bit she gets over stimulated yeah
[00:34:48] then you look at him you're like what's your problem
[00:34:49] stop power and they don't stop it and they don't understand
[00:34:53] they're like i guess it is my fault oh my god look at what a
[00:34:57] lovey that and that is how Nick will raise the children he has someday
[00:35:01] dude i was thinking about it i would be a terrible father
[00:35:04] because it's like i think you know you think about like you were talking
[00:35:06] about this you you like the disappointment you feel
[00:35:09] directed at your own father oh my god who's an adult
[00:35:12] exactly you know and it's like if a four-year-old is like
[00:35:16] oh shit myself i'm like come on dude chill just chill out you're being a
[00:35:21] fucking asshole you would just name your care or something he's doing
[00:35:24] it's all it's all screaming yeah come on
[00:35:32] come on i forgot to vaccinate you yeah i don't know how you got your shots if i
[00:35:38] had a kid i'd have to start drinking again for their own sake
[00:35:42] i mean it you'd be a better father as an active i would honestly would
[00:35:47] yeah i'm a better friend when i'm drunk i'm just a shittier driver
[00:35:50] yeah that's it is true no it's a i don't think that's true don't drink Nick
[00:35:55] no it is true that's why it became a problem is because i'm better when i'm
[00:35:59] drunk you were too charming so you had to quit drinking
[00:36:03] literally yes so sick and sad though sure i was better at comedy i was a
[00:36:07] nicer guy really yeah so complimentary that's because
[00:36:10] you're dry that's because the drink is a symptom
[00:36:13] of the disease all right enough with your father so if you're not working on
[00:36:17] yourself he's not wrong but it's like i'm not gonna
[00:36:19] work for myself i'm just gonna yeah i'm just gonna sit here
[00:36:21] thinking we're dry drunk then why else gets sober
[00:36:24] than to live a better life oh well here's here's the trade-off oh you can be a
[00:36:28] dry drunk is that what they teach you in the
[00:36:30] fucking program or whatever yeah the idea is that you drink because you have
[00:36:33] some kind of like problem it's like you hate yourself or whatever
[00:36:36] right which then what you do sure but it's like alcohol
[00:36:39] here's what they'd lie to you about they're like alcohol isn't the solution it's
[00:36:42] like yes it is it literally is it's a short term
[00:36:46] solution the problem is is that the solution has side effects like any
[00:36:50] medication would right that being yes you go to jail
[00:36:54] yes you know like a comedian you're a mandatory rape yeah you can be wake up
[00:36:58] in an australian man's bed yeah right does it just side effects who lied to you
[00:37:02] and said he didn't rape you answer you can answer i just wake up i'm like i didn't
[00:37:06] look at therapy hold on hold on with chemotherapy isn't the solution because
[00:37:10] like you know this guy's throwing up or whatever is fucking hairs falling
[00:37:13] out the same thing with you know alcohol so when you just stop drinking you know
[00:37:18] like the only reason i haven't started again is because like my life just got
[00:37:22] like exponentially better from like a financial standpoint right so they're
[00:37:27] almost almost the second i stopped drinking
[00:37:30] like i mean i quit drinking in like like a month later i like move i put the
[00:37:34] money to get it moved into yeah i got like i made a bunch of money writing i was
[00:37:37] like able to move to new york then that kept getting better
[00:37:40] and like there was only there's only maybe two months the entire time i've been
[00:37:44] in new york group was like i don't know what's going to happen so do you have
[00:37:46] any gratitude for that no that's your problem that's why you're dry and
[00:37:50] miserable because you know gratitude in your life yes that is to give some
[00:37:54] wonderful things but with drinking you don't need the gratitude you can just
[00:37:58] be drunk and then it benefits everyone around you which is honestly kind of
[00:38:04] it makes you a better person but that's alcohol thank you
[00:38:07] that's that's the thing inside you that wants to destroy it is 100% right of
[00:38:11] course yeah yeah you should go to therapy we tell them all the time
[00:38:14] you should there's a hundred things you should do that would help him but
[00:38:16] listen you know which is even working on yourself and and taking all the
[00:38:20] gifts that you have and giving you the only reason to stay sober is to get
[00:38:24] sober enough to jog to make a better argument and that you know you so you
[00:38:27] can focus and sit down and convince post better and convince the people that
[00:38:32] you are supposed to be drinking but i'm pointing holes in everything that
[00:38:35] you're saying no you're not an initial yeah there's no holes in it
[00:38:39] there's so many if something you make you be a little bit of Swiss cheese
[00:38:42] right now if something if something you do is beneficial to all the people
[00:38:46] around you but it's not yourself but what about yourself
[00:38:50] what about you why are you such a people please or that you're want to benefit
[00:38:53] other people i don't i also want to be drunk because it makes me feel better
[00:38:57] yeah it's like the tradeoff is bad for my physical health
[00:39:01] yeah but you make this trade off with everything on different scales it's
[00:39:04] like fucking like a food addiction or anything or not exercising
[00:39:08] your body is like designed to deteriorate and die
[00:39:12] in fact this like cult of longevity is something that's like a deeper
[00:39:15] sickness than any kind of a alcohol is it's terrible
[00:39:18] so i mean honestly because like and there's science to back this up
[00:39:22] that the the best thing is actually moderation but it's like difficult to
[00:39:28] for you know somebody if you're not a whole right to get to to manage
[00:39:31] moderation but the best thing is moderation
[00:39:34] what is it working oh yeah we're back so anyway
[00:39:38] nigg all all all i'm saying is that you have an incredible life now so
[00:39:44] over and if you had a modicum of gratitude i think you would feel better
[00:39:47] sure yeah but you can practice like oh i should be grateful for all these
[00:39:50] things and i'm yeah obviously especially for me you know i do whatever
[00:39:53] but why don't you take some of the good things that you have but it's like it's
[00:39:56] sort of a snowball thing where you you worry about like you're
[00:39:59] a friendian no you worry about like oh i should be
[00:40:03] in i should be like i should feel better about my life or whatever because i am
[00:40:08] very lucky and like this all this happened and then you feel bad about
[00:40:11] not hard work like you've done the world no it's not
[00:40:14] get crazy it's like uh you know oh i feel bad about not
[00:40:16] feeling those things and then it like compounds and it all kind of like
[00:40:20] snow yeah but if you make a daily gratitude list of things you're grateful
[00:40:22] for all right but this is like so far for what i was saying
[00:40:25] not being funny you know you know life's not always it's ultimately still a
[00:40:30] comedy podcast well it would be funny if you volunteered
[00:40:34] okay let's i did i i did volunteer so do it again
[00:40:38] it's actually it was kind of shitty i mean like working in a food bank is
[00:40:41] mostly like you're they make you but police homeless people
[00:40:45] hey they're like don't let her get two milks and i'm like i'm supposed to feel
[00:40:49] good about you know bitch yeah you have a fucking hoe that you
[00:40:53] turn all that for now because i'm not enforcing any of this fucking rules
[00:40:56] of course you know what i'm gonna do is comes like a problem between me and
[00:40:59] i was i was called the mustard man it's like i'm gonna get fired from a job that
[00:41:02] pays zero dollars i was i'm gonna do i'm gonna do
[00:41:05] mustard man up in the Bronx oh yeah yeah why because i used to drive a van to
[00:41:09] give like food out and one time we had to reroute to china you like they're
[00:41:15] i'm thinking about joining a big brother's
[00:41:33] little brothers uh-huh and uh learning all the new slangs from the kids
[00:41:37] what if it's big brothers little brothers i would be the big brother big
[00:41:47] so you would you would like to be meeting children of the night
[00:41:51] i i think i oh yeah you know you know frank's
[00:41:56] daughter she's a child of the night yeah i would rescue children of the night
[00:42:03] wow that's funny so you would be a big brother i think that'd be nice that would
[00:42:07] be nice man yeah that'd be really fun yeah i could say dead ass to them
[00:42:12] dude you know it's wild so i'm uh doing like a
[00:42:16] comedy after school mentor program up in the Bronx uh-huh it's it's at the same
[00:42:21] school i it's at the same school i quit teaching at four years ago
[00:42:25] wow randomly isn't it? are you are you still um hosting the uh the talent
[00:42:34] i did that in the pit this year i couldn't but i am going to the lunch today and
[00:42:37] bringing clothes nice but it was a funny thing ever
[00:42:40] scribed it on the pod but it's so funny did i tell you about that just like all
[00:42:44] these guys just backs are broken by heroin like three big towels oh one guy
[00:42:47] the whole entire left side of his body was paralyzed
[00:42:50] he was trying to play the drums to his girlfriend like like reading
[00:42:55] but like sorry our our cords so on pre-order still
[00:43:00] it keeps cutting off i'm sorry audience we're sorry it's okay
[00:43:04] it'd be fun if you guys did a come-town benefit show
[00:43:07] that would be fun right benefit for what for the drug and alcohol
[00:43:11] for Katrina maybe for kitchen dude yeah what
[00:43:16] yeah i just lit up it's insane how they still haven't fixed
[00:43:21] or done aid to homes and everything that got hit by Katrina
[00:43:26] i i don't even know what the first go i've guessed they they have not even
[00:43:29] fixed homes that got hit by hurricane Ivan was that before Katrina yeah yeah
[00:43:33] like a couple years before Katrina in New Orleans yeah yeah no in in Alabama
[00:43:38] beluxing Mississippi it's crazy i didn't know about any of that shit
[00:43:42] yeah all these places got hit and then the aid they got just like
[00:43:46] they sent idiots down there to volunteer to help like me
[00:43:49] and then go to do you go down there yeah really yeah yeah it was crazy you went
[00:43:53] to Mississippi i went to Mississippi Alabama and uh
[00:43:56] Louisiana holy shit how long? it was crazy uh for like two weeks did you get
[00:44:00] did you do any dip your little you're down there trying to see what the
[00:44:04] local sex workers are like now jeremy um yes did you had gay sex yes
[00:44:15] no i didn't i didn't it was a celibate it was a celibate
[00:44:18] service that helped dude it's about help you never know dude work hard play hard
[00:44:22] dude yes true where's the most exotic sex worker you've ever
[00:44:27] exotic sex worker coconut broad place both i'm gonna start drinking in i'm
[00:44:33] gonna slide back down i mean it give me a shot
[00:44:36] yeah let's hear a whiskey i just need one i just do give i just hear them out
[00:44:41] we'll give them three months if i mess it up
[00:44:45] fine you get the phone that's the deal and it's a good deal
[00:44:51] you just need to believe me you just need to give me a shot just give me a
[00:44:56] chance to approve the death of that approve it to everybody i can do it
[00:45:02] i probably could i couldn't there's no way we're saying you're reading all
[00:45:06] those like you're reading like articles where it was like i'm your sponsor
[00:45:10] no he's not he doesn't need a sponsor i don't need a fucking sponsor
[00:45:14] but were you reading articles where it was someone who's exactly the same
[00:45:16] was like i'm gonna give it a shot i'm gonna have a couple yeah no it's a
[00:45:19] moment that we're saying like because i do that every like six months or so
[00:45:22] because i i mean honestly like what kept me sober for years was like i
[00:45:26] got sober when i was 24 right and i was like okay i'm gonna quit drinking till
[00:45:31] i'm 30 and i've been 30 for like a year now
[00:45:34] and it's like well you know i mean like it was a project it was like i'm
[00:45:39] gonna be sober for the last half of my 20s and
[00:45:41] like focus on what i'm doing is this 24 20 just is i was 24 damn i was like i'm
[00:45:46] gonna focus on the shit that i'm doing and like wait do you just get sober
[00:45:49] again when when we met no well we met five years ago he got
[00:45:53] sober before he moved here i got sober like just before yeah yeah
[00:45:57] yeah the whole time the whole Baltimore DC era my
[00:45:59] man was drunk as fuck yeah but when i saw you down in New Orleans you're so
[00:46:03] sobs yeah it was i got so much i was like a let down is like oh i'm
[00:46:07] gonna go to New Orleans with my biggest alcoholic friend right
[00:46:10] and then they're sober and then he's like dude uh i was
[00:46:13] talking about us i was talking drinking yeah it's fucking you're like yeah i'm
[00:46:16] just gonna be silent on sarah's ipad the entire trip
[00:46:20] yeah uh but you know it was like you know it's like this is like the
[00:46:26] it's like a like a tangible goal right just like get sober focus on like my
[00:46:31] career or whatever like really try to stand up and not
[00:46:34] just like be drunk and have fun yeah and but then i have like no friend you
[00:46:40] know like well you say you every six months you do what you look into being
[00:46:43] able to drink again oh yeah yeah so like i read like a
[00:46:45] fucking uh yeah just like some quora or whatever yeah
[00:46:50] can you drink again like with like in some lady was like yeah my husband was
[00:46:53] sober for a very long time and then he started drinking again
[00:46:56] started off with just one drink on new years with friends and i thought you
[00:46:59] know what that's fine or whatever and then a couple weeks later he wanted to
[00:47:02] have a glass of wine with dinner and i thought well that's fine because i
[00:47:04] usually do that yeah and she's like by may he wouldn't leave the basement
[00:47:09] yeah that's probably exactly the problem is that drinking
[00:47:22] rules yeah yeah it's the best it's fucking being drunk like i tell
[00:47:25] you they're they're lit and you probably can't disagree with me on this but
[00:47:29] there is no greater feeling than first falling off the wagon
[00:47:34] oh dude nothing the first from the first we are
[00:47:38] toe-outs to the top of your head just that warm vodka blanket dude that
[00:47:45] in a cone nothing nothing feels better than when you fall off the wagon and it's
[00:47:49] like this is what emotions are dude you know it's like this one
[00:47:53] yeah but then the thing is you feel that guilt and shame you're like well i
[00:47:56] gotta get rid of this so you keep getting fucked up that doesn't happen to me till
[00:47:59] like the next day because my problem is that i have like a consumption thing
[00:48:04] so like i feel great about drinking but then as soon as i'm not actively
[00:48:08] drinking i'm like fuck i'm losing it i'm
[00:48:10] right so then you keep drinking even though i could be like i would
[00:48:13] continue to be drunk your body's like so processing the fucking alcohol you
[00:48:16] got it but you could just be a normal person and have seven or eight beers
[00:48:20] and relax you know but it's like yeah yeah just a 12
[00:48:24] pack and relax like a normal person well no i mean you're gonna say from 3 p.m a
[00:48:29] normal like drinking day of like 3 p.m till fucking 11 a.m.
[00:48:36] seven a.m. well the british would do that i mean back in the day you would go to the
[00:48:41] pub it's for a day to a shot to be and then go to the
[00:48:45] pound on the door of the pub at 11 a.m because you're shaking it's more
[00:48:50] shaking than pound all right lads to only go to the
[00:48:54] factory we're taught what before factory starts
[00:49:00] take break out at noon back to the pub before we didn't need a factory for
[00:49:05] another 12 hour beer better welder if you're
[00:49:08] not working yeah absolutely yeah that's what you gotta do what were you
[00:49:12] gonna say Adam i don't know yeah i just know that i
[00:49:16] like i've been on the road when you have a shitty job going to work drunk
[00:49:19] you're like i'm the i'm fucking me i beat the system yeah i would go to
[00:49:23] so high phone calls i had to make to go to my car to get
[00:49:27] vodka out of my glove box when i was a carpenter yeah
[00:49:30] fucking rule dude drunk carpenter yeah just sloshing around
[00:49:34] use my car phone yeah yeah do you know how many times i was like oh i need
[00:49:39] to go get a tool at my house do i go get more drugs i work
[00:49:42] at a call center and i would show up to the call center drunk but
[00:49:45] the uh they let me work from home at a certain point and i was like
[00:49:50] bad move of course yeah and i would start because like my shift i would pick
[00:49:54] the earliest shift i could so i would get out earlier yeah so it was like usually
[00:49:57] i would do like the 7 a.m to 3 p.m shift this is whatever an 8 hour block is
[00:50:02] and i would start i would like go get like i would go to the beer store like 10 a.m
[00:50:05] yes and then uh by the end of the shift just like
[00:50:10] falling asleep on calls yes and it's like the afternoop yes
[00:50:15] and it's like well then i'm gonna take a nap and then like go hang out with
[00:50:18] friends do the real drinking right oh yeah that's what i had it
[00:50:22] and it doesn't even happen and then it's like i'm blacked out and passed out by
[00:50:26] 7 p.m everybody's like okay time to go have fun yeah yeah and i've
[00:50:30] i'm like i've pissed myself well my favorite thing and we talked about
[00:50:33] this a little bit is like so i've been on the road the whole month
[00:50:37] and the first two weekends i was really good i was like eating while i was
[00:50:40] exercising the last two weekends dude it just broke low road depression it's
[00:50:45] just like i so i'm on the schedule of get so fucked up right you're after the
[00:50:50] show you crush you know you're trying to fuck you're just getting
[00:50:53] that high going keep the high going you're fucked up
[00:50:56] you you if you you fuck and then you you get the and then like just have so
[00:50:59] i know that's why blue china men in normal
[00:51:02] yeah dude i was that high going i thought you're so hung over i have such a
[00:51:07] fond memory of being in forts like somewhere near fort stocked in
[00:51:11] texas in like an acono lodge in like the middle of nowhere west texas
[00:51:16] like i got a gas station burrito yes one of those like uh the bud wiser like
[00:51:21] 32 ounce or whatever yeah and yeah it's just drinking eating that
[00:51:26] microwave burrito and i tried to beat off and there was a mirror
[00:51:28] in the hotel room and i was just like gross
[00:51:32] couldn't do it oh that's great yeah dude why myself it's
[00:51:38] yeah dude being on that last leg of being on the road is just so
[00:51:41] fucked it hit that's why i'm so happy right i'm in the first week and a half
[00:51:45] of a relapse where i'm like i just get and you you spend all day in bed hung
[00:51:50] over a shit so i'm like you have to drink a bunch of water you have to like do
[00:51:53] everything you can to get ready for the show
[00:51:55] but when the show rolls around you feel awesome because you've
[00:51:57] napped all day you drank like i i ate healthier than the previous days
[00:52:01] salads or like green juices yeah and then i have a coffee right before i get
[00:52:04] on stage so then you have the coffee plus the fucking right and you're like
[00:52:08] time to get fucked up yeah there's nothing better than the second you get
[00:52:11] off stage and you're peeking for the day and you're like
[00:52:14] all right let's see where this goes oh yeah i got so drunk i'm like i just
[00:52:19] have shane smoked cigarettes and drink coffee when i'm on the road because it's
[00:52:22] like i just stay up because i want to keep that feeling going and i just like
[00:52:26] don't but it's hard dude the feel if it's feels so good
[00:52:29] it's hard to get to bed well that's when that's when like i used to go out and
[00:52:34] try to fuck and i don't do that i'm like proud of myself
[00:52:37] because that can be like destructive in itself for sure you know but in the
[00:52:40] beginning it's awesome i'm going over right now girl i don't know
[00:52:44] about you guys yeah oh no do you get it in?
[00:52:48] no i didn't get it and i was mature what'd you do
[00:52:53] uh we didn't smash no you just smoked weed ever pussy chillum
[00:52:58] uh no no i just chilled chilled with some uh some homies
[00:53:02] that picked up my dog to wash it over thanksgiving
[00:53:05] nice i mean you were pretty drunk to funny moms
[00:53:08] that's what i was funny moms it was good yeah
[00:53:11] uh i have to go to the airport guys right now
[00:53:16] yeah okay well this was fun thank you fellas yeah
[00:53:20] of course she and thank you for going back on move my car again but i parked in
[00:53:24] such a tight suit it took like five minutes to get into that
[00:53:26] i saw you like buzzing by a bunch yeah i mean i just i parked around the
[00:53:30] block and it's like there's literally like four inches of clearance on either
[00:53:33] side of my car so i guess that's i guess i'm not moving today
[00:53:37] thanks straight street sweeping thank you for keeping the streets safe from
[00:53:41] garbage yeah right all right i love you guys have a
[00:53:43] good holland how do you two men be safe good seeing you
[00:53:46] Adam say hi to uh your boy the fam and your boyfriend
[00:53:49] yeah have fun at the library yeah find the library
[00:53:53] to see your boyfriend mark i don't have a boy who manages the
[00:53:57] straight strip club the place with real human woman titties
[00:54:09] all right well um Ian do you have anything to plug my friend
[00:54:12] oh boy uh i'm gonna be on the road with the tell
[00:54:16] next weekend till the first week in january you can get tickets at my
[00:54:20] website einfinance.com very nice and uh my instagram at
[00:54:25] i animal and uh i appreciate everyone always reaching out coming out the
[00:54:30] show saying hi it really means a lot and i appreciate you guys very much thank
[00:54:36] follow him on instagram i will be you just hopefully you just saw me at
[00:54:40] baltimore and joe squared but i'm in fucking houston uh on the 13th
[00:54:44] i didn't get dallas or austin this go around but i i'm coming to dallas in
[00:54:50] i think february i think uh valentine's weekend
[00:54:53] and i'm also coming to road island the comedy connection and um
[00:54:57] i'm working on chicago milwaukee oh and i think maybe even london
[00:55:01] i think i might come to london before we go to australia
[00:55:05] so anyway guys a lot of stuff coming up on the road to see me but yeah it
[00:55:08] please buy tickets to go see me in fucking houston
[00:55:11] oh also i have i have t-shirts or sale at uh
[00:55:15] hide the bodies kicks ass dot com htb kicks ass dot com
[00:55:21] what the fuck i do it's a it's a shirt disurbia and rochester they're like
[00:55:25] local i'm trying to throw them like some work you know they were like kind to
[00:55:28] me and uh we'll see how it works they help okay
[00:55:31] buy Ian shirts go to come dot town and buy
[00:55:34] nix merchandise and i will be coming out with like my calendar
[00:55:36] hopefully by the time he was doing this it's already out so
[00:55:39] turn away a 2020 calendar big oh shit start in the new decade all right
[00:55:44] that's right um thanks for listening have have a good
[00:55:47] thanksgiving and a thanksgiving weekend goodbye