Cum Town | Premium | 01/09/2017
[00:00:00] doo doo doo do doo doo doo doDoo doo doo Doo
[00:00:24] like the week before the telephone came out.
[00:00:29] Great, I just fucking learned R2D2 shit for no reason.
[00:00:37] I want to give a shout out to Adam holding my microphone up
[00:00:42] Sav's got greasy hands and greasy face,
[00:00:46] But how good were these chicken thighs?
[00:00:50] Proprietary, how could Spice Blend hit me up
[00:00:53] Yeah, well, I mean, it did suck before the telegraph.
[00:00:59] Like when it took weeks to get information.
[00:01:06] do you know about like the battle of New Orleans?
[00:01:13] No, I know it's when Jackson threw beads at
[00:01:35] The war was over and then he still fucked everyone up.
[00:01:44] Imagine how mad you'd be if you died like that.
[00:01:46] Yeah, you died for literally absolutely no reason.
[00:01:51] Well, you know, I criticized as Morse code guys
[00:01:55] and then I just started thinking about it
[00:02:02] Do you know how much easier my life would be
[00:02:03] if I just had to communicate through patterns of beeps
[00:02:06] and I didn't have to worry about like a nuance
[00:02:08] or I'm almost an intonation or the way my face works?
[00:02:12] Yeah, that Morse code would be the best.
[00:02:15] You know, like I'd be on the train and a woman would be like,
[00:02:17] sir, can you please move your PlayStation carrying case?
[00:02:19] And I'll just be like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
[00:02:21] Then she'll be like, I'd never mind as you know.
[00:02:24] Did you suffer from that neurological disorder?
[00:02:38] I don't know, I was trying to take down
[00:02:40] I guess we gotta talk about, so me and Stav did
[00:02:54] And I love like the, not fake, but 100% real rivalry
[00:03:02] Oh, and Lewis said this on Legion of Scanks,
[00:03:04] he was like, if the fans can raise $70,000,
[00:03:07] I will pay to have my testicle removed on.
[00:03:14] that you could donate one of your balls to science
[00:03:21] Yeah, see the reason this show works is because.
[00:03:26] Yeah, I gotta get people a little message me
[00:03:28] and they'll be like, yeah, you like know a lot of stuff.
[00:03:30] I'm like, no, I just, we make a lot of stuff up.
[00:03:39] You know how many people tell me how annoyed they are
[00:03:41] when we just don't know a very obvious thing.
[00:03:46] And that's why I hate it's like, you know,
[00:03:49] having to like talk about the politics shit
[00:03:50] is because I literally have never had any interest
[00:03:58] It's like, are you giving me permission not to?
[00:04:04] Like that's like, I kind of do hope there is like a race war
[00:04:07] because then it's like, I'll soon see how it doesn't
[00:04:12] And then eventually they'll kill all the people
[00:04:23] they're going to want you for their ranks.
[00:04:41] But you got to get the Southie green track suits.
[00:04:47] Those are like, I feel like a Deedahs should be personally,
[00:04:50] held personally responsible for all the anti-Vietnamese hate
[00:04:53] crimes that happen in Boston because of those green track
[00:04:58] Do you think Marky Marky was most definitely?
[00:05:04] Celtics, nine Celtics jerseys and fucking green track pants.
[00:05:09] Yeah, like it's like, I don't understand.
[00:05:11] Like there's one company that just makes bandanas.
[00:05:20] That weird pattern, that has to be owned by a company.
[00:05:25] And it's like the amount of young minorities you've
[00:05:30] killed in Los Angeles because of your stupid fucking bandanas.
[00:05:37] But no, so I was saying, we did Legion of Scanks
[00:05:47] you got to keep that cat away from the chicken.
[00:05:52] And he wanted to talk about this thing in Chicago,
[00:06:03] And it was so annoying because he's like,
[00:06:05] this is just going to be swept under the rug.
[00:06:07] And it's like, give it four more hours, dude.
[00:06:10] You just, you found out about this through the Pepe frogs.
[00:06:13] Like, you know, and he's like, they're not
[00:06:17] They're immediately charged with a hate crime.
[00:06:23] And I just wanted to, all I really wanted to say was,
[00:06:38] The thing that fucking sucks is that, like,
[00:06:40] Ant is like the best of all those radio guys.
[00:06:45] I mean, I grew up listening to the fucking O&A.
[00:06:50] He's better than, you know, like, I think, like,
[00:06:53] Ant by himself is better than any one of, like, you know,
[00:06:57] 100% I know, or race wars or any other shows.
[00:07:01] I mean, his politics stinks, but it's really funny.
[00:07:04] So you can have fun with him and riff on stuff,
[00:07:09] And then he goes, but folks, and then you're like, oh, no.
[00:07:13] And then rape came up to that was tough.
[00:07:19] And they didn't know about the Jasmine thing,
[00:07:27] I mean, I guess I'm not obliged not to say anything,
[00:07:30] but a reporter told me that it was $38 million
[00:07:39] That would make him also, what is he thinking?
[00:07:42] Do you think his careers were $38 million?
[00:07:55] But he wasn't movies and shit, but then I mean,
[00:08:08] He played one of those stock brokers in the background.
[00:08:19] He was going to be in Wolf Wall Street too.
[00:08:22] All this like, you know, and some people will say like,
[00:08:24] oh, there's a race war coming or whatever.
[00:08:26] And then it's like, well, isn't it already here?
[00:08:29] Doesn't that like, hasn't it been happening for a while now?
[00:08:32] It's been happening for the last two years.
[00:08:34] Are you, it's been happening since the beginning of this country?
[00:08:38] No, but I mean, where it's fucking like,
[00:08:46] I mean, like, you know, this back and forth is like,
[00:08:51] racially motivated, high profile, you know, mass killings
[00:08:59] That's, Timothy McVay wasn't race motivated.
[00:09:05] blow up like an IRS building or something or fucking,
[00:09:08] or some other fucking government office.
[00:09:16] I feel like Comptroller is the go-to joke for anyone
[00:09:19] that wants to pick a public office or like a public office.
[00:09:22] You know what the Comptroller does is keep track,
[00:09:31] So the Comptroller's like the greatest,
[00:09:33] that's the great, you go to the Comptroller's office,
[00:09:36] oh yeah, this bank fucked up and they owe you like $7,000.
[00:09:42] Every state has a public listing of unclaimed property.
[00:09:45] But aren't you gambling that you go there
[00:09:47] and they're like, oh actually you owe $12,000.
[00:09:52] Well, hell yeah, let's go to the Comptroller's office
[00:09:54] I already searched for my name in pretty much every state.
[00:09:59] I don't think there's any money for me out there.
[00:10:08] I don't know if it's in my head, I think it's in the nose.
[00:10:14] A probisic, if you put Adam's nose to the ground,
[00:10:18] What's the name of that monkey with the hilarious nose?
[00:10:25] They have like dick notes, like gums, oh no.
[00:10:59] Honestly, for still, it was- Oh my God!
[00:11:06] A probisic monkey or probisicous monkey.
[00:11:09] That looks like a George Lucas character of a kid.
[00:11:12] That looks like what Anakin, who enslaved Anakin or whatever.
[00:11:22] Tell me that doesn't look like a guy we know.
[00:11:44] And he was like, I finally saw pictures of you guys and Nick.
[00:11:50] Well, basically half of our fan base are men who want to fuck you.
[00:11:54] And then, stop, you looked exactly like I expected you to.
[00:12:01] I did not think it was possible how Jewish you listened to look that Jewish.
[00:12:08] I mean, in terms of- Yeah, you look like Pard
[00:12:18] I looked at the pictures from the ones that D took at funny moms.
[00:12:21] I think I've finally at almost 30 years old decided I do have big nose.
[00:12:30] Yeah, I think it's like- You know, it's not that you've figured it out.
[00:12:43] Yes, it has everything to do with fucking.
[00:12:51] I felt like I was miserable, but I was miserable in a secure way, if that makes any sense.
[00:12:57] I'm not familiar at all with what you're talking about.
[00:13:02] Or you can be depressed, but you look at yourself and you're like, oh, well, that's
[00:13:09] Which is like very, I think which is very attractive.
[00:13:19] Because the thing is you're just rich, which is a different thing.
[00:13:22] You have to worry about everyone coming after you.
[00:13:25] Although you know what I would like though, I was thinking about the errand thing.
[00:13:27] It would be nice to be able to just buy people off.
[00:13:30] To have that kind of money for somebody's like, you're a piece of shit.
[00:13:32] And you're like, here's a million dollars.
[00:13:37] They're like, yeah, well, now I own you.
[00:13:40] Oh, you know how awesome it would be to be my parents made a donation rich.
[00:13:44] Like you just get that fucking swicked anything under the rug.
[00:13:47] You beat off, you know, you caught beating off watching the girls swim team change.
[00:13:51] I didn't even want to do shit like that.
[00:13:52] I just want to cut the line at the post office and just never even like, excuse me, sir.
[00:13:58] And I'm like, well, here's fucking 25 bucks.
[00:14:03] It would be honestly the level of rich that would make the most difference from here to
[00:14:06] like millionaire would be like slipping everyone to 20.
[00:14:11] If you slipped everyone to 20, you know how much fucking better fucking service you would
[00:14:17] Well, guys long term, you're going to want to hold on to those 20s.
[00:14:20] Well, my real goal is you make enough money.
[00:14:23] You start a nonprofit that just employs all the homeless people in New York, but what
[00:14:26] people don't realize is you're secretly indoctrinating them and you're creating a street army.
[00:14:34] Well, like the bad guys in Ninja Turtles.
[00:14:41] They were just a bunch of hobo's, the new karate.
[00:14:43] The rules for orphans and shit, then you indoctrinate the orphans.
[00:14:47] And then suddenly, you know, old man Mullins got his own goddamn army.
[00:15:02] And then I, you know, have them go into like public offices and rough up, you know, the
[00:15:09] Really homeless people just came into Gracie Manchin beat up beat up De Blasio.
[00:15:24] Bane was just a bunch of, he got to all the hobo's together.
[00:15:35] I just buy them all by taking them off the streets and putting them in a slightly less
[00:15:39] Would you make like a fucking frat house in the sewers?
[00:15:44] You buy a big warehouse, call it something like a ghost ship, tell them they're artists.
[00:15:53] Well, today, you guys see the difference.
[00:15:59] We don't know the actual motives yet, but as far as Twitter is concerned, it's racially
[00:16:04] Some guys shot up to Fort Lauderdale airport.
[00:16:08] I was with the name of the spring brasher was there.
[00:16:13] I thought you were like saying, Ari Fleischer did it.
[00:16:26] No, he just was a real instrumental in pushing the faking rock horn Iraq.
[00:16:34] Well, it was a white Hispanic that did this one, which is always tricky.
[00:16:39] Yeah, he, well, I heard his name is like Esteban Santiago.
[00:16:43] So we don't know the race, but he is for sure a date rapist.
[00:16:48] He's definitely got caramel colored nipples also.
[00:16:54] He's got, he's probably got a neck tattoo written in like, pop you lock script.
[00:17:10] I feel like, I feel like they're the, like, Dune.
[00:17:25] All of science fiction is either homophobic or racist.
[00:17:30] Even Star Trek, Star Trek's like the one that's the least racist and it's, they still
[00:17:37] I mean, Game of Thrones is so fucking racist.
[00:17:42] Everyone is like the fucking Dothraki or just like uncivilized horse riding Arabs.
[00:17:51] What are all about Star Trek on the next generation?
[00:17:54] So I think Michael Dorm might have been the first black guy to actually play a black Klingon.
[00:18:02] But now the way Klingons work is they have different kinds of, there's white Klingons
[00:18:08] So they have the same kind of, but then Worf had a son on the show who was black like
[00:18:14] Worf, but they just got a white boy and they put him in black face.
[00:18:19] It would be cool if he was just white and Klingons like, it could just like a random
[00:18:26] Well, there was a Hispanic clank really on Voyager.
[00:18:37] Voyager sucked, but I watched pretty much all of it.
[00:18:40] Next generation is like the next generation of deep space and I are the only good ones.
[00:18:46] Um, what are the rules on having, on doing black face Klingon?
[00:18:51] Uh, I think you're allowed to do it because they're not, no one knows that they're, because
[00:18:56] you have to be a nerd to understand whether they're actually black or not.
[00:18:59] Because what black person would have that weird haircut?
[00:19:03] And now there's probably a rapper, like Lil Yachty.
[00:19:06] I feel like people that it's either, you're either wharf and you have that haircut or you're
[00:19:09] like one of the guys from that documentary American pimp.
[00:19:14] It just looks like you're a pimp with a weird forehead.
[00:19:20] You don't really see names rose, but two D's, the extra D's for a double dose of that
[00:19:26] It looks like the Kansas City guy in belly.
[00:19:34] We're going to watch American pimp after this.
[00:19:46] Should they modify the game so that it's easier for me and some of us?
[00:19:54] I'm pretty fucking bad at battlefield also.
[00:19:55] We were playing the announcers, the AI and the announcers were like, and this is a truly
[00:20:06] If you like, if you like Mrs. Shodder like an interception or a pass or like, hmm, yeah,
[00:20:13] You know, they'll like tell you that you're playing shitty with a specific character.
[00:20:17] They're like, that should have been, you know, he should have done well there.
[00:20:28] The only people I've ever heard use the term Molly Wop is dip set.
[00:20:33] It means hitting someone in the face with your dick.
[00:20:36] I thought that was called mushroom stamping.
[00:20:40] I think Molly Wop, there's some more, I don't know, it's more flowery language, but it gets
[00:20:53] I'm trying to get some dip set t-shirts.
[00:21:01] But the eagle too, the classic eagle one.
[00:21:03] You know what I was listening to when George Michael died?
[00:21:15] That's my, that's stop his music pick of the week is hell-rell sampling.
[00:21:26] He was at a stupid video that went viral a couple of years ago.
[00:21:29] Was the guy just playing that on saxophone everywhere.
[00:21:32] That was like one of the first shitty viral videos where everyone was like, isn't this
[00:21:37] I'm like, no, it's a guy playing saxophone.
[00:21:38] And then you're like, oh no, I know what he is.
[00:21:41] Like people in public, look, this is, here's a good metric to decide whether or not you're
[00:21:46] doing, if you ever want to tape something you're doing in public and you think it's a prank,
[00:21:50] if no one's going to kick your ass for it, it's not a prank.
[00:21:54] There needs to be some chance that someone will walk up and beat the living, beat you
[00:22:04] Although, oh, I dressed up like Pikachu and walked around the mall.
[00:22:09] You're just a fucking retard looking for attention.
[00:22:14] Yeah, you just couldn't wait for a fucking, what's that convention?
[00:22:23] Yeah, you're just trying to show off your fucking cosplay in the off season.
[00:22:28] But then the social experiment guys who get on airplanes and then just go, la la la la
[00:22:35] That's not a really good way to fucking suck.
[00:22:40] The idea that's the bid in content is money.
[00:22:44] But it's like, they're just such smug assholes.
[00:22:46] Well, no, he's being racist to Muslims.
[00:22:51] I mean, if you have the money to fucking blow on plane tickets to then see if I'll get
[00:22:55] kicked off the flight, you have way too much fucking luck.
[00:23:00] Like, if you're not, I mean, the perfect amount of money to have is frivolous spending on
[00:23:08] I think by getting those Bowflex weights by me.
[00:23:10] You know, we're not even, we're not even, that's such a good prank is just buyer.
[00:23:13] We're not even making the average income.
[00:23:15] We're not even making the average income in America yet.
[00:23:20] We're not going to have $50,000 a year.
[00:23:22] That's like a fucking middle class income.
[00:23:31] Billionaires have to throw that average off so hard, right?
[00:23:33] Because I feel like my family's never paid more than like $40,000 collectively.
[00:23:39] When wealth is concentrated between the top 1%.
[00:23:42] Well, the mean, you got to go by the mean.
[00:23:49] That's a median that you're thinking of.
[00:23:59] A mean is like if you have a set of 15 numbers, the mean is the seventh number.
[00:24:03] Whereas an average is you take all of the numbers, add them up and then divide by 15.
[00:24:09] No, the median is you take the first number and the 15th number, you add them and then
[00:24:19] You learn something new every fucking day.
[00:24:22] Actually, you learn that in third grade.
[00:24:29] No, you're wrong and I'm right now after you mocked me.
[00:24:30] Man, I was so good at math and elementary school.
[00:24:42] But back then, I was killing it, dude, adding.
[00:24:54] No, I want to fucking get to the bottom.
[00:25:03] Averages you add all of the money you can buy by the amount of numbers that are.
[00:25:08] Mean is a type of averages computed by adding the values and dividing by the number of
[00:25:19] No, you're saying that that's the median.
[00:25:21] No, I was saying the mean and the average is the same.
[00:25:24] Well, guys, we mean an average or not to say.
[00:25:29] Then why are there two different fucking words?
[00:25:36] First of all, I weighed myself this morning.
[00:25:38] If we measure your weight every day over the last 10 years, your average weight is
[00:25:48] The mean weight, which is the one you use to make fun of you with, that's why it's called
[00:26:00] Well, man, you both won and I'm actually right.
[00:26:06] I think I'm going to start doing it in 2017.
[00:26:10] The fact that I'm the tallest come boy.
[00:26:17] I'm not tall, but I'm the tallest come boy.
[00:26:34] Maybe the listeners don't know that Nick is incredibly short.
[00:27:00] You know my friend says to me the other day, he's like...
[00:27:02] I'm going for like two seconds, you guys start doing old bits.
[00:27:12] You also legitimately probably weigh 130 pounds.
[00:27:19] I'm probably swinging too short of the U and I weigh 170 pounds.
[00:27:33] Well, I'm naturally toned and muscular.
[00:27:43] We should get boxing gear and fist fight.
[00:27:47] We should just start beating each other to death.
[00:27:53] I would love to fight you guys, but you're going to have to drop weight.
[00:28:14] I'm motivating you here to get down to my waist.
[00:28:20] I have only 140 as I was literally in third grade.
[00:28:35] Yeah, I think in seventh grade I was like 175 pounds.
[00:28:48] I remember like orange sweatsuits and just...
[00:28:49] All I did was come and quote the Simpsons.
[00:28:52] Dude, I had a little fucking alien sweatsuit that I loved.
[00:29:00] It was an alien up top and like it had a little...
[00:29:04] No, I had like a cool orange hoodie with flames on it.
[00:29:11] You know what I was doing when I was in 11?
[00:29:13] I was fucking rocking open Hawaiian shirts.
[00:29:16] I was wearing Hawaiian shirts with the fucking...
[00:29:18] With just a white clean shirt underneath.
[00:29:22] My freshman year roommate was this guy Dave Hartman.
[00:29:35] He had five Tommy Bahama shirts and he used to rotate them.
[00:29:51] I told him once that he should get a prostitute.
[00:29:54] Man, there's way too much fish cake in this ramen.
[00:30:04] Do you remember you were in the dorms, right?
[00:30:07] Do you remember like the iTunes were on a network?
[00:30:08] So you could see other people's iTunes library?
[00:30:11] Okay, so I don't think that happens anymore when you're on a network, but that is how
[00:30:16] So he had all this porn saved in iTunes.
[00:30:22] Everyone in our freshman year dorm, which was probably, I think like, 1,200 people could
[00:30:28] see that he had nine gigabytes of porn.
[00:30:41] From the standard death porn, nine gigs.
[00:30:46] Went from basically the first day for first week of college.
[00:30:59] And he just became a massive stoner and I think dropped out, but he sucked dude.
[00:31:08] He was like a mommy's boy and the second he left home, he like just couldn't accomplish
[00:31:21] And then he got really into smoking weed and doing drugs and stuff.
[00:31:34] Oh, no, no, no, not even the Hawaiian shirt.
[00:31:39] And he had one time in Bahamas that was like his dress Hawaiian shirt.
[00:31:47] White kid, kind of like the shaggy hair.
[00:32:09] I'm going to continue doing that forever.
[00:32:15] I had like biology in an hour, so I was taking a nap in the dorm.
[00:32:20] He's like, Hey Adam, you want to smoke some Thalvia?
[00:32:35] Do you think Mike Tyson got that good at fighting?
[00:32:39] Have you ever seen the Tyson documentary?
[00:32:43] Beyond being a retard, he's a fucking monster.
[00:33:04] If instead of like getting really into Japanese shit, he got into raping.
[00:33:11] I don't know if it was so much rape as he definitely did.
[00:33:15] I would just think the one we know about.
[00:33:41] Yeah, it's tough to deliver the soft boiled, because it will keep cooking.
[00:33:45] Nah, that looks hard boiled as hell, though.
[00:33:56] I got biology in like 40 minutes, so he's like, dude.
[00:34:17] He's like, that was the fucking, that was the dream as a freshman.
[00:34:24] I don't understand why those were, they were expensive.
[00:34:26] And it was like, I knew a couple of people that had roars.
[00:34:28] It's because scientists made it to get you hired.
[00:34:32] This is the kind of Bong afternought's use, right?
[00:34:36] This was the Bong afternought's were you think?
[00:34:40] When they came up with the idea to fake the moon landing.
[00:34:45] And then they killed Kennedy, the astronaut.
[00:34:48] That's you, because Kennedy was gonna expose them.
[00:34:58] So he loads up the roar with some salvia.
[00:35:06] So I smoke it and then like you, you hold it in and he's like, I'm gonna count and then you exhale when I hit 30.
[00:35:11] But you don't, you never remember when they hit 30.
[00:35:14] Cause you're like, you've smoked salvia.
[00:35:22] I fucking smoked it once and like I heard all this shit about it beforehand.
[00:35:26] So I inhaled it and then I was holding it for a second.
[00:35:28] I started to feel myself going and I got scared and I blew it out and then I just didn't get high.
[00:35:37] Well I have like, I would just go crazy and never come back.
[00:35:42] Well the worst part is like, it's completely dissociative so you don't realize you're tripping.
[00:35:46] But like 30 seconds in, which doesn't feel like 30 seconds.
[00:35:50] You realize you're tripping and then you're like, this is awful.
[00:35:57] I woke up, I slept on a lofted bed in the dorm and I'd taken all my clothes off.
[00:36:02] I'm like, and apparently Dave said that while I was tripping I was just like, Dave, you're
[00:36:14] I was just like hurling home with him against all of the sudden.
[00:36:21] And then over the summer he like texts me, he's like, you guys had sex while you were.
[00:36:32] And then over the summer he texts me, he's like, I've been getting really into rave stuff.
[00:36:37] And he's like, do you know like Fisher's Spooner or infected mushroom or like any of those
[00:36:43] The mushroom is like one of the worst bands of all time.
[00:36:51] No, no, no, no, cod mouth kings are different.
[00:37:08] And there was all my friends are really into the span.
[00:37:11] Easy star, all stars or easy star dogs.
[00:37:15] All my fucking friends were like, yeah, it's dub covers of sublime.
[00:37:17] And I'm like, that sounds like literally the worst thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
[00:37:22] Look, we took something that already sucked and made it shitty in a way that only could
[00:37:27] in like exponentially increase the shit.
[00:37:34] The definition of that is loose for me.
[00:37:36] I don't really know what a jam band is.
[00:37:38] Like fish, Dave Matthews, I guess at a certain point was part of that scene.
[00:37:42] All the fucking rich kids in Baltimore.
[00:37:43] The kids that went to like private schools in Baltimore.
[00:37:48] And they would get into like, they would go to fuck it.
[00:37:50] Also some like electronic shit just for an excuse to do drugs.
[00:37:58] They would go to Starscape and just do ecstasy.
[00:38:00] Those kids just grew up and became burners, basically.
[00:38:03] Now they've become like senators and shit, dude.
[00:38:07] All the kids that I knew like that were like that in college are all on Wall Street right now.
[00:38:13] Yeah, maybe I should have listened to Dave Matthews, man.
[00:38:22] I like I have such a limited scope in terms of the music I liked that I'd still continue to like to this day.
[00:38:28] I was I was listening to Black Sabbath this morning.
[00:38:38] The writ is the best Black Sabbath song.
[00:39:15] Get down a get down a Pacquiao level and then kick my ass.
[00:39:20] That sucks if you can't go on like a getting taller diet.
[00:39:24] I hang upside down like fucking Dracula.
[00:39:27] Dude, if you were a Jacksite, you'd look cut as fuck.
[00:39:30] I'm thinking about it like if I was like real tall, I would be such a bad person.
[00:39:40] If just my life was good, it would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:39:42] It would be like nothing holding me back.
[00:39:45] All my horrible fucking, you know, my terrible fucking self, you know, just believing in
[00:39:52] It would be such fucking, I'd be such a prick.
[00:39:54] Didn't you guys like develop like getting funny from like the survival instinct of not wanting
[00:40:00] to get killed and like public high school?
[00:40:09] I mean, even earlier than that, I was like, always, yeah, obsessed with being funny.
[00:40:12] That was like, kind of always the only goal.
[00:40:13] I mean, I knew I would be a comedian when I was in like second grade.
[00:40:18] I didn't know that you could be a comedian.
[00:40:20] No, I was like obsessed with comedy like day one.
[00:40:23] I literally got into it as a young kid because my mom used to work at a Greek restaurant,
[00:40:28] late as shit, and Saturday night, they would let her take home the leftover calamari.
[00:40:40] And just what was on it Saturday night was Saturday night live.
[00:40:42] And it was the Chris Farley Adam Sandler era.
[00:40:45] So it's like, it's truly because I'm fat as shit.
[00:40:53] But the cool part about that era was when we hit middle school and high school, that's
[00:40:58] what Comedy Central was rerunning in the after-knees after school.
[00:41:02] So that era is really our generation's era of SNL.
[00:41:04] Well, then there's all the still heart-maj stuff.
[00:41:05] Here's a little comptown homework assignment.
[00:41:07] You got to watch Tommy Boy and Black Sheep tonight.
[00:41:13] Tell them, you know, leave me the fuck alone.
[00:41:17] I'm doing something important for my country and for myself.
[00:41:21] I'm going to get trashed off Sainades and watch Tommy Boy and Black Sheep.
[00:41:26] It's so funny that Spade is like looks like Rock of Love Brett, Brett Michaels now.
[00:41:34] He's like, Spade fucks a lot apparently.
[00:41:42] I was always the short guy that like hates taller women.
[00:41:45] I just didn't fucking taller women, but like you used to be seen out in public and like,
[00:41:57] He's like five two, but he's like, I love that every picture you see of him now.
[00:42:01] He looks like the happiest guy in the world.
[00:42:09] He looks like his face is the same size as he was a child.
[00:42:14] He looks like his body's made out of that sponge you put in water.
[00:42:18] And then it just sort of inflated to become like a form version of his smaller stuff.
[00:42:23] You're like, this looks nothing like a dinosaur.
[00:42:27] I mean, I feel like he as good as he turned out was as bad as Muniz turned out.
[00:42:31] Like Muniz is a Republican and he's like, yeah, he sucks.
[00:42:38] Everything he did after Malcolm, a little sick dick too.
[00:42:41] Well, Hayley Joe Osmond was always a great actor.
[00:42:45] He was really like bullshit sentimental movies, but he was a great actor.
[00:42:50] Six cents was such, you know, what a fucking disappointment.
[00:42:59] After that when you're like, damn, this guy's going to be fucking tight.
[00:43:02] And he made the same movie except shittier over and over and over.
[00:43:04] Well, the second one, that is what split the rim because ever you either hated unbreakable
[00:43:11] You're like, Shyamalan did it again or you're like, you fucking suck.
[00:43:14] I felt I was like ambivalent towards it.
[00:43:16] I was a kid and I was still like, this movie sucks.
[00:43:21] But then I remember just thinking it was okay.
[00:43:23] My favorite one was the one with the plans.
[00:43:29] It's also it's like, that's got to be the most lazily named movie of all time.
[00:43:40] And the best part was it was plants turn you murderous.
[00:43:45] It's like they emit something that like fucks you.
[00:43:48] Why couldn't they just fucking poison you?
[00:43:50] Why couldn't they just directly kill you if they fucking they have to just because that's
[00:43:58] The signs where the aliens come to earth and their poison is water.
[00:44:03] The most abundant from space that is covered in water.
[00:44:10] Although in science, two of my favorite actors.
[00:44:27] It's like love that when he was doing all that weird shit.
[00:44:30] I just felt like it was like, oh yeah, he's doing a bit.
[00:44:38] But then when you watch the movie, you sort of realize that it doesn't matter.
[00:44:42] It doesn't matter because I just thought all those bits were kind of fucking stupid.
[00:44:47] Like that letterman appearance, whatever.
[00:44:52] That's I think I think beyond that, like he's still committing to a bit for a year and he's
[00:44:58] Like he's so fucking talented that guy.
[00:45:08] But I do think that like, if we raise $70,000.
[00:45:13] I would cut one of my balls off of 70s.
[00:45:14] And you have to suck the ball out of his, in a gay way.
[00:45:36] Now that Adam's gone, it's back to Ray, the podcast was supposed to be.
[00:45:53] And I was alternating dreams between a sex dream where I was just sucking a big pair of
[00:45:56] titties and just a close up of a pork chop on a cast iron.
[00:46:03] Like you're like a cartoon from like the twenties.
[00:46:06] Does this bubbles coming out of your nose and a bunch of zis in the air in a fucking
[00:46:12] Like those, those like the two cows using the hand like pull saw.
[00:46:17] Except it's, you know, big, big old tits and a pork chop.
[00:46:25] I remember being on acid one time and looking at an advertisement for like a sub shop and
[00:46:30] they had some sort of like bacon cheesesteak and I could see the bacon cooking on the poster.
[00:46:35] I was on acid and I was like, oh, that's amazing.
[00:46:39] And I went into the pizza restaurant and then they had like, you know, that garlic powder
[00:46:45] So I think I ate like a slice of pizza and I was like, this pizza tastes so good.
[00:46:47] I'm like, oh, my acid, everything's going to taste good.
[00:46:50] So I just took a cup of garlic powder and I put the garlic powder in my mouth and I'm
[00:47:08] You want to talk about your fucking image before you get a shoe offer like brand new couch.
[00:47:11] You're like immediately putting the soul of your shoe directly on the offer.
[00:47:15] So those shoes, by the way, we've never mocked him for this.
[00:47:19] Those are the most Jewishly acquired shoes of all time.
[00:47:22] You stole one from like a church lost and found.
[00:47:25] This motherfucker found these shoes on the street.
[00:47:31] Did research found that they have a lifetime warranty return them and got brand new boots.
[00:47:40] First of all, they were in the free pile of my apartment building.
[00:47:44] Second of all, why is your apartment building have a free section?
[00:47:50] Is it labeled that or do you have you just been taking shit from where people drop our
[00:48:03] There was like homeless people like coming in and shitting and the food.
[00:48:06] We were like drugs and shitting all over like the foot of the stairwell or whatever and
[00:48:13] And then there was like some community bulletin that was like, we think teenagers might be
[00:48:19] In the fucking foyer or fucking apartment building.
[00:48:24] You know, those shitty teens like down there, they're doing drugs and shitting and pissing
[00:48:31] Yeah, those notoriously weak-bouled teenagers.
[00:48:34] You know, the teenagers, they're just riding around on freight trains all over this country.
[00:48:41] Using newspapers for underpants is so funny when teens are just the catchall, pretty
[00:48:48] The teens, a bunch of 12-year-olds are coming directly from the mall to leave their heroin
[00:48:53] needles and feces all over the steps of the apartment building.
[00:49:00] I bet I, where'd they learn this from their Green Day tapes?
[00:49:18] Oh, shit, Billy Joel Armstrong would be tight there.
[00:49:38] Well, it's the beginning of the Sabbath.
[00:49:44] So that's the beginning of the Sabbath.
[00:49:49] Yeah, there's like a couple like weird ones.
[00:49:52] It's like the free bread you get at restaurant tails.
[00:49:55] And then the unlimited chips and salsa.
[00:50:05] No, it's a, it's a, well, I get appetizers when.
[00:50:10] There's this, there was a, I went, my parents sent me to Jewish day camp when I was in
[00:50:15] elementary school and it was like Orthodox Jewish day camp.
[00:50:21] Which is like the fucked up black hat guys.
[00:50:25] Because it was all my friends were there too.
[00:50:26] Like we were just, I mean, they made us like wear hats, you know.
[00:50:31] No, we used to wear like baseball hats.
[00:50:33] Like so we wouldn't have to wear yamakos.
[00:50:35] You know, but then they take us to like, like wrote, you know, theme parks and shit,
[00:50:45] Well, they were like the, um, they're like the crown heights, but black hat guys, not
[00:50:50] They're like the ones that are like, I don't know the difference.
[00:50:55] They like are the only Jewish sect that actively proselytizes.
[00:51:04] You know, it's really involved to them is a, what you're going to do when they had
[00:51:07] a duty to the bill, you know, it's really involved to them.
[00:51:11] Actor John Voigt because they got him clean.
[00:51:18] That's never that last year where he was like, if you ever criticize Israel, you should
[00:51:24] He got mad at a, uh, a, a, a, a, a, sugar and his wife.
[00:51:37] The other is they used to show us these tapes for like a sort of wrapping cool rabbi that
[00:51:42] would like teach you the rules of Judaism called Uncle Moishi.
[00:51:45] And it was like the literally like the, the gayest fucking shit in the entire world.
[00:51:54] They're, they're a bunch of those videos up on YouTube down people.
[00:52:00] They're, they're fucking, they're terrible.
[00:52:03] And he just do rap spell like kosher and shit.
[00:52:06] And I went to like a Christian date of, uh, vacation Bible school when I was fucking
[00:52:12] looking, but I don't remember anything about the Bible.
[00:52:16] Like Greek, that's what it's hilarious.
[00:52:17] Greek Orthodox is the religion because it's like how much different orthodoxy is for
[00:52:23] It is for fucking Jewish people, but it's like we didn't do shit.
[00:52:25] Like we don't, I don't remember anything.
[00:52:27] The first time I finger to girl was at a church.
[00:52:33] No, it's like we broke from Catholicism.
[00:52:35] It's like a fucking like feeling up a deaf girl at church.
[00:52:42] I feel bad telling his story, but you know, he doesn't have a fucking podcast.
[00:52:50] What time about like, uh, there's some like the way he describes it.
[00:52:55] Just like some huge, breasted deaf girl.
[00:53:00] He was like really into your other stuff because they have to communicate with their breasts.
[00:53:08] That means big titties is one of the senses.
[00:53:10] To feel what they can't hear with their nipples.
[00:53:13] That's a really good fucking dick because they're deaf.
[00:53:18] Dude, no, they're seriously like, they're like wild sexually active.
[00:53:26] They're like, they don't have neurological problems.
[00:53:29] So they're not anymore, you know, sexually active than regular people.
[00:53:33] Well, they're sort of like, they're sort of in their own cloistered community because
[00:53:36] there's like, they go to deaf colleges and they go to deaf school.
[00:53:40] And then there's a whole lot of them are elitists.
[00:53:41] Like they won't even if they could get the surgery, they won't do it.
[00:53:50] Like they look down on the people they get cochlear implants.
[00:53:55] So yeah, Normand told his story went on about like filling up some deaf girl like behind
[00:53:59] And they're making out and they'd made out a couple of times and then he like pulled
[00:54:06] And then eventually like pulls it out and he like pops it in his mouth and she like
[00:54:10] pushes his head back and he's like, no, man, no, we know.
[00:54:25] Plus, I mean, plus my good making point of disabled people.
[00:54:34] I mean, yeah, he does know I mean, you know, I mean, what the fuck are you saying?
[00:54:46] Nick, you go to that hell with the dillards.
[00:55:01] I feel like we got a good pace this morning, but nothing has been particularly funny.
[00:55:08] Look, after fucking last week where we had the fucking cheese all that shit, yeah, that
[00:55:16] It was fun, but you know, will was good on it.
[00:55:20] We should have will on a normal episode.
[00:55:21] This is a premium episode for the preem dogs.
[00:55:32] Thank you for all of Stavi's Golden Angels, by the way.
[00:55:34] That is the official name of everyone who donates.
[00:55:37] And for all the art, you know, you guys put up some really nice Photoshop.
[00:56:02] It's a way to set goals is by lying to people.
[00:56:09] That's why I tell people I have a 10 inch penis.
[00:56:13] And then I just go to real deep into a jelking session for about four and a half weeks.
[00:56:18] I get a Magnum and I stuff the top with ham.
[00:56:23] That's like the thing that those like minute men do to their bullets.
[00:56:32] I'm going to put ham inside the condom before I rape him.
[00:56:36] That way I can rape him straight to hell.
[00:56:40] Sincerely Dwight Dweiderson posted in a kill Obama or at least kill Michelle nine exclamation
[00:56:51] Dear god, please kill Obama or at least give one of his daughter's cancer.
[00:56:56] The first amendment, you know, and then that picture of that skull with the swords through
[00:57:17] No, so yeah, we got video stuff coming.
[00:57:20] But if you're one of the people that steals the premium episodes, don't steal.
[00:57:27] I mean, you're going to do whatever you want.
[00:57:28] But with the premium stuff, eventually it's going to have to go on like YouTube or Vimeo.
[00:57:34] So if you steal it and then put it on your own YouTube channel prior to us being able
[00:57:40] to put it on YouTube, then it'll fuck up our metrics.
[00:57:43] We'll me inevitably do put it on YouTube.
[00:57:45] So if you can figure out a way to steal it where it's like stays on the patreon so you
[00:57:49] don't fuck up our metrics, you know, I guess feel free or whatever.
[00:57:56] Yeah, I mean, I would prefer it if you don't.
[00:57:57] But I mean, I'd be a hypocrite if I like I'm for the first time in my life, I'm like
[00:58:02] Only because it's a fucking tax right off.
[00:58:11] My first tax right off of the year, good fellows in the $50 Chinese food order I had.
[00:58:17] Well, you got to take notes on all those meetings.
[00:58:18] You can't just say, oh, yeah, this is all for a meeting.
[00:58:21] No, it was me and Elvis discussed a lot of good stuff for sure.
[00:58:25] As long as you remember who it was with.
[00:58:26] I'm going to start giving free tax advice on the show free tax and investing advice.
[00:58:33] We're going to change the category, the podcast, the finance.
[00:58:35] And then we're going to become the number one finance podcast on iTunes and I'm just
[00:58:41] we're just going to pump and dump so many fucking stocks.
[00:58:46] Guys, you got to look, there's this new company now they make diapers with nitrates in them.
[00:58:52] So they help kill old people you don't like.
[00:58:55] They got the nitrates will go into your grandpa's dick and kill them.
[00:59:00] Listen to me, folks, it's 100% untraceable.
[00:59:03] No one will ever find out who killed your grandpa.
[00:59:08] We're talking about an investment of three or four diapers at a time.
[00:59:11] This is a golden opportunity to get in with this company.
[00:59:19] Actually, I guess Adam would be the finance.
[00:59:25] Start a, start a property management company, right?
[00:59:31] You don't actually manage any properties.
[00:59:34] You just walk around town on the first of the month and say like, Hey, yeah, like I'm
[00:59:40] I'm here to pick up the rent check this month.
[00:59:42] And then you say, yeah, could you just make it out to just make out the cash and then
[00:59:49] And you just do that with as many homes as you can get to.
[00:59:53] And I'm thinking you can make at least $70,000 a day.
[00:59:57] I think so at the first of the month, if you cover enough neighborhoods, you get enough
[01:00:01] Yeah, we go to the richest neighborhoods.
[01:00:03] You say we're here to collect the rent.
[01:00:04] You bring a baseball bat with you and they go, what's that for?
[01:00:07] You say, Oh, my son, he has cancer and he's trying to learn how to play baseball.
[01:00:11] And you know, a lot of all the money I make at work goes to my son is his base cancer.
[01:00:16] Also, you know, in case somebody wants to give me a little goth, I got this baseball bat.
[01:00:20] It should be a shame if I got blood all over my son's baseball bat.
[01:00:28] I want to shake motherfuckers down dude ever since watching the sopranos.
[01:00:34] It's fucking it really he's fucking he's all over the spirals spiraling.
[01:00:45] It's like there's this maybe it's the second or you're the second to last.
[01:00:48] No, I'm still maybe in the middle, but I can feel it.
[01:00:53] Well, there's a point like in the beginning of the show when you're watching it.
[01:01:01] I'm like, yeah, dude, like a Hollywood sign that says come to town to do that for us.
[01:01:05] And do one where Adam's getting fucked by a couple guys and he's got to come on his
[01:01:11] Why would it be on my face if I'm they're fucking me in my ass because that's from the last
[01:01:15] And from 30 minutes, but if it's in the night before it would dry.
[01:01:19] I want to see Adam get like fucking extremely bucockied by like nine guys.
[01:01:24] And then afterwards he's like, I am never watching this face.
[01:01:36] Would you guys like to be a part of a reverse bucockie where a bunch of women rub their
[01:01:44] A bunch of women rub pussies on your face.
[01:01:53] What you got to do you get you get you get you get you use a line up and beat off.
[01:01:58] And what you do is you basically you get a life guard chair and you set it up right
[01:02:03] outside one of those swings the circular swing thing in amusement park.
[01:02:08] And then you have the women with no clothes on ride the swing thing and you just stick
[01:02:12] your tongue out as the swings go past your face.
[01:02:15] Like they would just take you in the face.
[01:02:17] I feel like you would get kicked in the face.
[01:02:21] This is why I'm not allowed at six flags anymore.
[01:02:29] They're like, sir, no, those are not the rules.
[01:02:31] I'm like, I'm allowed to do it five more times.
[01:02:42] I actually love eating pussy more than Adam.
[01:02:44] So I'm how the fuck I've been trying to go to six flags for like four years now and every
[01:02:49] summer the day comes around the like comic trip to six flags.
[01:02:56] Yeah, we can just go, you know, I don't like fucking.
[01:03:02] Oh, I guess like I'm used to the West Coast.
[01:03:04] The theme parks are up in 12 months a year in the West Coast.
[01:03:14] First of all, if you're down, like that's number one, bitch.
[01:03:26] It's the best stop fucking disrespecting the East Coast.
[01:03:32] The least is the beast of the two coasts.
[01:03:50] When you're on the West Coast with other men, which is gay and bad.
[01:03:58] I knew I'm my clock has to be different because I'm gay.
[01:04:09] I need my clock special because I'm a gay man.
[01:04:19] I can't tell because I was up all night sucking clock because I'm gay.
[01:04:23] Okay, I know that you guys are you guys have had all the go surfing later surfing for gay
[01:04:36] It's Google, but the background's pink instead of white.
[01:05:00] You got a little bit of phantom planet.
[01:05:03] Here we come pumping in the sound system.
[01:05:12] Got the wind going through your hair, right?
[01:05:17] And it's, and the smog, the smog rating's low for the day.
[01:05:24] You know, and you see some perfect platinum blonde.
[01:05:33] Then you tell me that this fucking shingle.
[01:05:37] Tell me that fucking Boston bombing 9-11, Pentagon plane crash is better than California.
[01:05:57] If I'm a, if I'm in LA, I'm, I'm gonna go down and get some tuna roll.
[01:06:08] I'm gonna get some fucking spicy salmon roll.
[01:06:12] And then I'm getting a Japanese fish cuisine after that.
[01:06:16] That's no media recognition in terms of best podcast list.
[01:06:22] Yeah, what the fuck was that right about the New Yorker magazine?
[01:06:25] I'm trying to be in the New Yorker magazine.
[01:06:27] Dude, if we got a job in the New Yorker magazine, a lot of people say the show is misogynist.
[01:06:34] First of all, I'm going to raise fucking word means.
[01:06:43] It's a copyright Nick Mullen, I came up with misogynoir.
[01:06:49] You know what we invented, which I don't think we get credit for?
[01:06:54] We did that podcast the day after the election.
[01:07:01] Yeah, that was my fucking incisive political analysis.
[01:07:09] I don't care if we know shit or we don't know shit.
[01:07:12] I just realized that we invented that shit.
[01:07:22] My dad built a switch and on off switch in the one in our house when I was being.
[01:07:29] Engineered because you'd burn food all the time.
[01:07:30] Instead of learning how to become better at cooking.
[01:07:34] Anyway, what I'm saying is we will be doing when we get on one of those podcast phones.
[01:07:41] festivals are a thing. Yeah. You know that choppa is going to LA to do a podcast festival.
[01:07:47] Fucking get come town out there baby. Yeah. One time we're going to get invited to a
[01:07:51] festival one of these days. No, we're not going to sell the fucking podcast is some Brooklyn
[01:07:57] open mikers and we're not going to host it anymore. Give them all the money. Let's franchise
[01:08:02] out. Come down. You know, right. I should just do is I should just give the podcast and let
[01:08:07] him say whatever he wants and then it'll be funny in a different kind of way. I would
[01:08:13] have had this characters back. He's like, I'm not a character. These are my real opinions.
[01:08:17] I would actually start listening to come town. He has a show. He has a his body. He used to
[01:08:23] have a radio show. Seth did, but it was mostly music. This is 100% real college rec. I went
[01:08:31] to it one time. He used to have it in Austin. I went there with him and then he wouldn't
[01:08:34] give me a microphone so I could be on it. So I just had to sit there while him and some
[01:08:38] other guy did their radio show. Talked about how good are you in radio head? What are his
[01:08:43] favorite bands? I like are you? I mean, I don't mind. Well, it's favorite bands now or like
[01:08:49] fucking bitch. And be on say and run the jewels and yeah, right. That's I'm sure that's all
[01:08:57] he listens to. But I don't know. I feel bad. I didn't want to bring him up again, but somebody
[01:09:02] mentioned him to me today. So don't bring him up. Yeah. Yeah. Leave him alone, dude.
[01:09:06] Yeah. Everybody leaves. Seth alone. If you're finding the real alone thing is like, you know,
[01:09:10] I've known him for 10 years and we for the majority of that time we were friends.
[01:09:16] And like this all started because he like can't handle like a little bit of criticism. He blows up.
[01:09:23] And so he reacted to what was initially just like me criticizing someone I see all the time and
[01:09:28] hang out with as like bullying. And so it would be like if you know, any of like the fucking jokes
[01:09:34] we make about each other, like if like if Adam sat there or like I sat here and made fucking,
[01:09:39] you know, bald jokes about you and then laughed at them and then as soon as anything were
[01:09:44] remotely critical about me or my opinions, I was like, this is harassment. Yeah. And that's what
[01:09:49] a fucking grew out of. But the aside from that, I know the guy have empathy for him. You know,
[01:09:55] I understand like because I didn't think the show would be as popular as it flies.
[01:09:58] Right. But when I didn't know what I thought, I thought four people would listen to the show.
[01:10:02] I thought for sure we're doing seven. Yeah. We're not doing the impression.
[01:10:06] Well, I thought I was doing the impression for Norman Wilkerson. That's it. Because he was the
[01:10:11] one guy I thought would listen to the show. And we both have known Seth for a long time and fucking,
[01:10:16] you know, have like had our issues with him. But I don't, he's not Dan Nynan. He's not Tom Myers.
[01:10:21] He's a private citizen too. Yeah. Yeah. How funny is that? Yeah. If you want to fucking harass
[01:10:28] somebody. That's your who up. Yeah. Yeah. Go around Stan because Dan is like a fucking bad person
[01:10:33] and he wants the attention. Seth isn't a bad person. He's well me. Yeah. Well, I would. He's an
[01:10:38] asshole. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. It's a good dish. It can't take a kind of guy. I guess.
[01:10:42] But that's not doesn't make him a bad person. It does. It doesn't make him a stunted person,
[01:10:46] Brad. Sure. Yeah. But don't fucking don't give Seth a hard time if you feel inclined to go,
[01:10:52] you know, find the actual guy. Anyway, fuck that. Yeah. What are we doing? We did. And then Tom,
[01:10:58] you know, it's funny because like Tom deserves it to least at it. I know.
[01:11:03] Tom's like just objectively like a pathetic guy. But Tom, Tom doesn't get Ben out of shape
[01:11:08] about it. Tom's so delusional that like he's fun to just sort of fuck with. I know it's crazy.
[01:11:14] Yeah. You think he'll snap one day? He has to. No, I don't think he will.
[01:11:19] You think he just lives in this reality? I think he lives in it. Dan's dancing. It's sort of
[01:11:22] beautiful. Dan's going to fucking kill somebody. Yeah. I mean, after what just happened, Dan and
[01:11:27] Dan and I probably will kill someone. Yeah. Dan and I might be you. It might be you or JL.
[01:11:32] It'll be JL. It'll be JL or Josh Homer or Joe Robinson. That would be pretty funny. I mean,
[01:11:37] I had limited, I stopped responding to Dan. Dan's big deal. Dan's beef was me with me was that I
[01:11:42] was the guy that made him popular on Twitter. Right. Right. And prior to that, he had no people
[01:11:47] on Twitter didn't have an exposure to Dan. I don't get what why everyone is interested in Dan and
[01:11:53] because he just recently tricked Cosmo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And but he's been doing this for
[01:11:57] years. Yeah. I know. And then again, because if you want to talk about taking credit for things,
[01:12:01] like I did make Dan popular on Twitter. You. You think this was someone that
[01:12:06] Nick, when he was a drunk, used to call me up in the middle of the night and be like,
[01:12:09] dude, you know that guy did nine and I can't stop talking about like he got punched by a journal.
[01:12:13] That was awesome. He punched a reporter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like, I don't know. It just
[01:12:18] seems like it's weird that like, you know, that like, I follow like political people on Twitter
[01:12:24] that are like talking about nine and making fun of nine and making fun of any just I mean,
[01:12:29] the reason is he just doesn't seem like relevant. He just lied again. That's why. Yeah. Funny.
[01:12:34] Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. I guess it also makes you read that. Did you read that daily beast thing
[01:12:38] about him? Yeah. It was. It was amazing. I just love the part at the end where they like talk
[01:12:42] for real for an hour and then I could all just be off the record. You know, he's like, no. Yeah,
[01:12:46] no. And then Dan was like, you know, and he was like, but Dan, look, I got all your records and
[01:12:51] stuff like that just just cop to it. Just say, you know, are you 35 or 55? Then there's a pause.
[01:12:58] Then Dan just goes, I'm 35. It's my birth record. That's the problem.
[01:13:04] Like what the fuck is, how insane are you that just can't be incredibly insane? You just can't
[01:13:11] admit that you're fucking 55 years old. Yeah. He looks old as shit. He looks, he looks worse than
[01:13:17] I know for being, by the way, being heavy and have Japanese, he should look better. Yeah. And
[01:13:22] that's the other thing too, is he makes so much money and he makes, and this thing is like,
[01:13:25] we're making money now, but like, there's like a moral issue that fucking bothers me. You know,
[01:13:30] sometimes I'm like, yeah, me too. It's because the only thing I'm good at is being a piece of
[01:13:34] shit to me. That's really, and it doesn't make me feel good to do it. It's a defense mechanism.
[01:13:40] So now that there's no reason to do it, and I'm just doing it because it makes me money, I mean,
[01:13:44] it's kind of a problem. We're not mostly being shitty to people. But I think being mean is funny.
[01:13:50] Yeah, it is. We're being in the abstract. It is. It's just hard to find a middle ground where it's
[01:13:55] like, you know, how much mean is justified, and that amount is to the extent that it pays my rent.
[01:14:03] But yeah, but like Dan, like Dan just sucks. He fucking sucks. But he's made a career for him.
[01:14:08] So it's like, you know, people make arguments about like, oh, he's short cutting the whole system.
[01:14:13] Like it's like, this fuck you, you're a fucking baby. There's no conveyor belt or waiting line for
[01:14:18] comedy. You're never going to make it. It's never going to happen for you. Consider open mics a
[01:14:23] fucking hobby and figure out something else to do with your life, because you're not good at comedy.
[01:14:27] Dan isn't either, but he's at least a fucking businessman. He's enterprising. Yeah. And you weren't
[01:14:32] going to ever get you were never going to do the Tesla. He's not taking a job from you. Exactly.
[01:14:37] And he's found all this with the way to do all this shit. But like the one thing he doesn't have is
[01:14:41] like respect, not even from like big name comics, but from guys like, yeah, and Joe Robinson. Yeah.
[01:14:49] And it's like all three of us are also failed comedians. I don't like I really don't like,
[01:14:55] I mean, Joe's hilarious. I love Joe. I think Joe's hilarious, but he's a failed comedian.
[01:15:00] Yeah. Yeah. When he came back after he quit. I mean, I'm like a successful podcaster now,
[01:15:06] but objectively a failed comedian. You're not a fucking failed for. Yeah. No, for 11 years in,
[01:15:10] I don't have any TV credits. I know. I don't headline on the road. That's this. I mean,
[01:15:15] how much money am I making doing it? Doing stand zero. Yeah. Not I made nothing last year.
[01:15:20] Yeah. But you fucking career took a bunch of detours you writing. You made a lot of money
[01:15:24] writing. Whatever. That's not that's not stand up though. So, you know, I don't know. I mean,
[01:15:28] I just don't know. You moved to New York to be a stand up. No, I moved to New York because I
[01:15:31] wanted to live in New York. I mean, I like I incidentally happen to stand up. Well,
[01:15:36] anyway, the point is what you say is that Dan, you know, Dan's like done shit. He's made a career
[01:15:42] for himself. He has. He does probably makes like a shit ton of fucking money. Yeah. And he's still
[01:15:46] just like, Oh, I need that Josh Homer to think I'm funny. Yeah. What a what I would do to have
[01:15:53] the respect of Rob Mayer. I just don't get it. Yeah. I mean, he's a fucking loser. He's a nerd
[01:16:01] loser that like that's the sad part. The sad part is he can't just get paid and then go home and
[01:16:06] then shut the fuck up. Yeah. You know, he probably doesn't fuck either. Yeah. No, he got caught a
[01:16:12] couple years ago. You like put some pictures like me and my girlfriend and then the girl who was
[01:16:16] in the picture like somehow found out about it. And she was like, I am not this man's girlfriend.
[01:16:21] This was an event I had to take pictures. Someone someone found the rollerblading video and sent
[01:16:25] it. Oh, really? Yeah. The backwards downstairs. Yeah. Him rollerblading backwards downstairs.
[01:16:31] Yeah. I understand is all these people are so fucking funny in a way that they just don't
[01:16:35] understand. You know what I would give to be like that? It's amazingly, you know. You don't want to be
[01:16:41] like that. I don't. But if you could find a way to make things like as like saying people that can
[01:16:46] like look at it from a from a distance. Yeah. Very funny. Yeah. If you want to analyze him as a
[01:16:51] character, you know, it's hilarious. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, it's it's I don't want to be that.
[01:16:57] I mean, stand up said I've watched more than anything. Any any other stand up? Tom Myers.
[01:17:02] The Tom Myers. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. It's the best set ever. Yeah. Yeah. It is.
[01:17:08] People talk about the burning Mac. You don't understand. I'm not scared. You motherfuckers.
[01:17:13] That to me is nothing in comparison to the the
[01:17:22] God, those those mother those sadistic motherfuckers.
[01:17:25] Yeah. Tom Myers. Tom is going to bomb everywhere. Well, I fucking head is basically Tom. He's not
[01:17:32] much better than Tom. He's just a cool Tom. Right. But that's part. But he's like, it's also like a
[01:17:38] good musician too. He like makes music. Yeah. I don't know. I've seen enough of Ed's like
[01:17:42] performance art that it's like, you know, it's funny. But well, yeah, but at least Ed owns that
[01:17:47] shit. Yeah. Like with Tom, it's like, he's just strangely delusional and weird way. I think there
[01:17:54] is something actively beautiful and interesting and compelling about Tom Myers. Yeah. Like, I think
[01:18:00] like if someone made when he when he admits to it on his album that his parents have like the place
[01:18:06] where he's going to die picked out next to next. Yeah. That's like, someone did that's beyond
[01:18:12] comedy. If someone did. No, if someone did a very by the way, guys, just interject, we're in an
[01:18:18] hour 20 minutes now. So yeah, we're way over time. Okay. And we got to get out of here because we got
[01:18:25] Stern coming into the store. Yeah. Howard Howard Howard's power is going to be in here with his guest.
[01:18:30] Boba Bowie. Yeah. Boba Bowie, you'll be here. Michael Jackson,
[01:18:38] One, I'd retarded retard Steven retard, Charlie retard, Michael down syndrome, Michael
[01:18:46] Oh, downstairs, Michael will be here along with retard, Michael,
[01:18:51] soul, Janine will be here. Retard Michael is going to be doing his character retard, Evan.
[01:18:56] It's a black guy. It's a bad Evan. He's also retarded. Beetlejuice is going to get his dick sucked by a
[01:19:02] porn star. Oh, yeah, they have already just relapsed. He's going to be doing heroin in the middle of the
[01:19:09] room. Yeah, there's going to be a woman who I we're here for you. All right, we're here for you.
[01:19:12] There's going to be a woman on and they're going to bully her into taking her shirt off. Hey, what do you want for implants?
[01:19:18] Yeah, yeah, he's going to like buy women implants if they if they power it's how it's how it's how
[01:19:23] it's going to say is a small penis and then everyone's going to tell him he doesn't for the next 40 minutes.
[01:19:29] Yeah, yeah, he definitely has a big response, but he likes hot today. Pride. No, he's got like a
[01:19:34] whatever. We don't talk anyway. I know we're just doing the show. Yeah, it's fun to
[01:19:40] shit on Starne because it's subjectively like the best. It's the best. It's the best thing. Yeah, yeah.
[01:19:45] I remember like listening to it on the way to school like almost every day for maybe three or
[01:19:51] four years. I was the one she didn't she didn't let me do. She would just know. Yeah, she just watched
[01:19:56] the show on E. I used to try and beat off to the parts of the.
[01:20:00] Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's to beat off the fucking like candle commercials.
[01:20:07] It's a goal. There's four women laughing about something.
[01:20:12] Yeah, you'd have to be so quick before it cut back. Yeah, right.
[01:20:18] Or like the the blurred lines video. Remember that one? Oh, yeah, dude.
[01:20:21] Where that came out. Would you remember that one?
[01:20:24] But what as a as a beat off thing you would beat off to it and then just pray to God you weren't
[01:20:29] making eye contact with fucking Robin. You came and did I get a couple of times.
[01:20:34] Oh, I just listen to the song and the beat off to it because the song is about rape.
[01:20:40] Yeah, that's on literally about right. Well, on that note, on that note,
[01:20:47] are we leaving? Yeah, we are. Yeah, why not?
[01:20:49] Hour and 20 minutes guys. This was the longest episode of
[01:20:52] come time. Wow. I don't know how people are going to react to it. Are they going to
[01:20:55] love it? Are they going to hate it? I think this is pretty.
[01:20:57] Are they going to just quietly delete their subscription? This is the end of
[01:20:59] come down. Eventually, we lose more and more subscribers. I spend the remainder of the money
[01:21:04] on cocaine instead of saving it. And eventually I have to go back to doing truck driving and I just
[01:21:09] drive off the Verizon of the day, killing myself and taking $2 million worth of camera equipment
[01:21:14] with me. That is the ultimate fuck you to the 1% that's how you do it, dude.
[01:21:19] You know what's so funny? Well, we'll talk about another episode.
[01:21:22] Let's start a new thread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Later, guys.