Cum Town | Premium | 06/22/2020
[00:00:00] No, it should it's just what it's that way. I might as well just drink coke. I know that's what I want
[00:00:06] You 100% literally just drink coke. I'm probably gonna start just drinking coke. I feel like coke zero is probably fine
[00:00:14] Yeah, there was that whole ass for team shit, but my teeth are bad too
[00:00:19] Things sell your fucks your teeth up. I know that pissed me off
[00:00:22] So I found that out like four years into drinking cell to all the time. I was pissed
[00:00:26] Yeah, dude fucking sucks dick. I'm gonna rot my fucking teeth out on shit. That's not even candy or anything
[00:00:34] It's like basically water and still bad for you like just eating fucking the sugar sticks or whatever
[00:00:41] Pixie it's like getting somebody pregnant cuz she jacks you off and a little bit of cum gets in her pussy by accident
[00:00:49] Perfect way to have sex where you get to have a baby without the sin
[00:00:52] My friend Tommy I will start with that will start with that cool my friend Tommy growing up
[00:01:03] Swore it was a lie, but it's like it's such an unnecessary lie that Alan Iverson was an immaculate conception
[00:01:12] That someone beat off and then the skeet went inside of his mom's pussy. Well, that's not an immaculate
[00:01:18] I know that I don't it's like a playground lie, you know
[00:01:23] Why would you even come up with that? That's such a weird thing. Well, he's to be fair
[00:01:29] Alan Iverson was famous for having a very close relationship with his mom
[00:01:32] She braided his hair when he was on the bench. She braided his hair on the bench. Very cool
[00:01:36] So if it was gonna be one NBA player, I guess he's the one that we made the exact same to
[00:01:42] It was actually makes a ton of sense cuz I feel like as a little sperm. He was probably evasive as hell
[00:01:49] He was like doing crossover's past the other
[00:01:53] Making a day he was a little dished it out right as he got to the egg. That's right. He got in that egg
[00:02:02] Salute down Iverson. I don't love Alan Iverson man
[00:02:05] He's my favorite basketball player ever and I don't I feel wrong saying this but allegedly on the internet
[00:02:10] He has a little penis and to me that's beautiful. He's a you're happy to hear that
[00:02:18] It should I hope listen Alan if you if you're hearing this you're an inspiration to me
[00:02:24] I'm not talking shit about you having a little penis
[00:02:26] I'm happy and it makes it brings hope to me as a dude is a young 31 year old man. You inspire me
[00:02:34] He should be on posters for that like that. He should have a campaign
[00:02:39] Mm-hmm. He gets people would buy his shit so much more if it was like little dicks can can make it in the NBA
[00:02:46] To that's right. That's absolutely great. There's some little dick little kid on a playground somewhere who'd be like popping threes going
[00:02:52] I wish I had that those kind of role models growing up absolutely me too, dude
[00:02:57] That's what they say. That's what they say be be who you needed growing up. That's why I'm a fat slob with a little dick
[00:03:04] There's a lot of fat slobs with little dicks that need somebody up. That's true
[00:03:08] I am the same way I trimmed some of my dick off because I wanted to be what little kid me wanted me to be
[00:03:14] I dreamed of one day having a smart Tom
[00:03:17] I had a hole four inches. I knocked you down three. I said I don't have a little one
[00:03:23] It would be nice if if I don't know about you guys. I was really really holding on for that cock growth spurt
[00:03:30] Oh, yeah, like the Scotty Pippin Dennis Rogers
[00:03:37] Status just shoots up seven inches one summer. I wonder if anybody has a spot ticket point guard skills
[00:03:47] Like you can shoot your dick and shoot free throws
[00:03:51] Point guard skills is just knowing how to eat pussy and yes
[00:03:53] And then and then finally you sprout a huge cock and it's like wow this may eat pussy and his dick is big
[00:04:06] That would be the real Greek freak wouldn't it?
[00:04:09] If you had a 28 year old dick growth spurt
[00:04:16] But that you know a guy who turns he's a he was a porn star with a little dick
[00:04:20] Yeah, he gets a big yes. He used to be the humiliation porn guy
[00:04:24] yeah, by the way, I have there is a genre there is a guy with there's a fact I was a little dick and
[00:04:30] He it's like oh look at this fucking loser
[00:04:32] But I watched that that actually wasn't aspiring to me. I stumbled upon that and I was like this is I could this guy still getting a nut off
[00:04:39] I don't care. That's how I felt about one time. I saw porn where it was premature ejaculation porn
[00:04:45] And I was I was I was it was back in I think I've seen I think I've seen that
[00:04:50] And then the ladies berating him and I was like yeah, there's a video on a website called effuck calm
[00:04:58] Oh, yeah, it was like fat loser loses virginity to porn star and
[00:05:04] She got his tiny dick out. He was laying flat
[00:05:07] Absolutely naked and I shit not it was one who suck one
[00:05:13] And he blasted he geysered all over himself
[00:05:16] Gosh, you're yeah fucking I miss effux calm. That was a
[00:05:22] That was a go-to I love that story the Halcyon days of effucked. No, I remember there was a different guy
[00:05:28] It was like a Latino guy who was fat and had a little ass dick and it was like it was like a zany
[00:05:34] It was all zany porn it was actually like for laughs and I don't know who the target audience was
[00:05:39] I don't know who's jacking off to because it wasn't exactly humiliation
[00:05:42] humiliation it was more like a slapstick comedy where these girls are like sucking his little ass dick and everyone's laughing at him
[00:05:48] And he's like where he would wear a wig sometimes like I don't know
[00:05:52] And and sometimes because there was a time in my life where I was really scared
[00:05:56] I don't know if you guys worried that your penis was way too small because you saw poor that's the sad
[00:06:01] The first time you see porn is the saddest day of your life because you think all penises look like that
[00:06:07] Exactly, and so when I was watching this guy's porn I I literally used to watch it to jack off
[00:06:13] And there was a myth when I was at my lowest
[00:06:15] I was like well this man his body looks like mine and my dick is actually slightly bigger than this so
[00:06:23] I was like maybe girls will want to fuck me. Yeah, maybe I'm needing you guy to make this pretty
[00:06:28] Maybe maybe I'll die or get some dignity or something
[00:06:36] He'll stop he'll stop in the middle of the scene. Yeah, I'd be like I can't keep living this way
[00:06:45] He's not laughing it's just all tears. Yeah, yeah, I love it
[00:06:48] I love the idea that I was holding a baby carrot up next to his dick and laughing he's like stop it
[00:06:53] I want to see that guy in a bumblebee suit and the stinger is his little penis I
[00:07:01] Think there was costumes in 12 to it's sad because of I wonder if anybody was laughing at that and
[00:07:13] Yeah, of course the class that we've talked about this on the show before but the classic boo-yo video
[00:07:17] Where the African American gentleman has his testicles and the woman's anus and his penis
[00:07:25] Yeah, you're jacking off to it that he says boo-yah
[00:07:27] I think I took to quote Nick. I don't think I have to blow it off the word boo-yah
[00:07:35] Like achieved its proper usage until that exact moment in history
[00:07:42] And by the way, you know, let's all let's all keep Nick in our thought she's now in a ventilator
[00:07:48] Yeah, it's got a bad and he's really annoying
[00:07:53] Apparently he's been abusive to the nurses and he's saying I'm a sovereign citizen
[00:07:58] You have no right to detain me. I do not respect the laws of your country
[00:08:05] Yeah, so unfortunately that is what's going on but everyone prayers up for your prayers
[00:08:13] But anyway, we were talking about little cogs. Yeah, I know in life in a pornot
[00:08:18] I had one thing about laughing before I just remembered one and it was that it wasn't here's the here's what I meant
[00:08:23] Originally is something that's meant to be funny and then you also jerk off to it, but I remembered in porn ones
[00:08:31] I'm I famously the first time I jacked off was to road trip the sexy from road trip with the plus-sized
[00:08:39] Black lady important shots out to her dude. She's dead. All right. She did die. I looked her up, but anyway, go ahead
[00:08:48] Harold and Kumar go to white castle where lady shows her boobs and I remember being like pretty I bought the the unrated
[00:08:54] DVD could show her like opening the top as the cover and I was like that is sure to have
[00:09:04] Like I love that because by that time pornography was so
[00:09:12] We were in college when my own thing Kumar came out. Yeah, I was still in high school and I worked today
[00:09:17] I worked in a grocery store next to a blockbuster. So my lunch break I would go peruse
[00:09:25] Sometimes they'd have like a laugh at jerk off to yeah, but no one time I was watching porn and it wasn't supposed to be funny
[00:09:32] But this lady tries to stop a guy who wants to have sex with it. She goes no, I'm gonna be late to yoga practice
[00:09:44] She stumbled on it to the line like she kind of knew it was wrong, but of course. Yeah, I love when they have to do improv
[00:09:51] And they fuck it up. I think I talked about this recently, but there was one time
[00:09:53] I watched the British porn where a guy said suck those hairy ballads and I I laughed so hard. I couldn't finish jacking
[00:10:01] All it was so awesome and the girl had huge those big fat milky British titties
[00:10:09] Oh, I want to how about laughing while you bust? Has that ever happened to you cuz what I know I was
[00:10:16] No, dude, it's pretty this was pretty good. I was I was I was I was I was saying this girl and it was great sash
[00:10:26] We were having a nice one and we'd like a nice day together
[00:10:30] It was like all good is a real the conclusion of one of those long sessions where you've really worked for the nut and
[00:10:36] And I'm I'm just pounding and I'm like oh about to get this not often. I can't I'm going inside
[00:10:43] No condom, right? So I have to just like flip it out and I think she she's a eight amen to her
[00:10:49] She loved to swallow up a nut which one of the best moves of all time
[00:10:55] so I bust it real fast like on on her like stomach or sir legs or something and then
[00:11:01] But it's like one of those I was trying to stop myself
[00:11:03] So like some came out and then she's like all right well
[00:11:06] I'm done now and she's like checked out and but I can feel more not coming up so I'm like
[00:11:20] Just jacking off all those girls at the foot of my bed cracking up and like but you just came it doesn't make any sense
[00:11:27] I hit it with that double night and it was honestly a nice slapstick comedy
[00:11:31] Those are how you know God exists when you have those doubles the double the double that you hit that that
[00:11:39] That you could get the crack of the bad just right and you seem like
[00:11:48] I know you mean Tom. It's the sweet spot of the bat. Mm-hmm
[00:11:52] I just came just enough and now I get that little bonus. Yep
[00:11:57] And and the second one shut up like you wouldn't believe boys
[00:12:00] It really it really did a nice arcing it so it was like a cartoonish nut too
[00:12:04] So we were all we had a great time we laughed for like 20 minutes after that
[00:12:08] Well, I'm just towling myself off and he double nuts for you. Yeah, yeah every time actually
[00:12:17] Yeah, it's actually a problem. I knew Jewish God
[00:12:21] Yeah, Jewish God's you know, he's he's a glorious God, but uh, yeah, but it could happen hours later
[00:12:30] Just randomly inside my six yes for counting that is a double
[00:12:41] You know 30 minutes is a double to me. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, absolutely
[00:12:48] You know good that would be such a funny superpower to
[00:12:52] After every time after you bust at some random point within four hours you will bust again, and you don't know when I
[00:12:58] Don't I don't know if that's a superpower. Yeah, no, that would be a curse
[00:13:06] You have to time your shit out so much like I've got to come but I also got to go to work in like two hours
[00:13:16] They should make a movie about like that should be like one of those what's that Eddie Murphy movie or
[00:13:22] He's only allowed to say a thousand words or something like that. It could be like that style or like a liar
[00:13:27] Something yeah, like I can see the move. Yes. We need Jim Carrey in the late 90s
[00:13:31] I think this would be a great film for that like they don't make those movies anymore
[00:13:35] They should bring them back like some weird situation like that. That's right. Yeah, he's like Etsy has custody of his daughter that day
[00:13:43] But when you get there he busts the second time that's very funny. Yeah
[00:13:47] Well, I'm like of course. It's like the hottest lady of all time is tempting him to fuck and he's like, oh, I gotta get my kid back
[00:13:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then he's asleep and she jerks him off more to be like in
[00:13:59] 40 days and he gives a speech to the judge at the custody hearing
[00:14:07] It's destroyed his life and and they've and the camera is up
[00:14:11] Like a bunch of waste for the entire speech and we're all moved by it and the judge
[00:14:16] They cut to the judge's face and he looks shocked and then they cut pan down to his creamed-up
[00:14:24] There's yeah, there's fucking marshmallow wind coming out of his trousers. It's the thickest load
[00:14:30] It would be also like a good 90s action comedy or like not even like just an action
[00:14:35] Be like a John Claude van Dam like I can see the poster. It just says double bust, right?
[00:14:44] You're right, we need these more we need more high concept we need more than what happened to good movies
[00:14:53] Carrie made liar liar and then like yes, man like ten years of the estimate. It's so similar
[00:14:59] It's insane and I gotta tell you I fucking love them both
[00:15:05] I love you sexually assaulted so many times because he couldn't say no
[00:15:10] You couldn't say no, I I'm not kidding. That's one of my first day
[00:15:16] I'm doing me wrong. It was about a week ago
[00:15:18] I was in Bloomington, Indiana in the back of that open mic taking notes. No
[00:15:25] I'm gonna bring that one back on the pot say it's mine
[00:15:33] Was like he probably has to give so many guys blow jobs all the time and like there's just a long line of guys who know the deal
[00:15:41] Yep, he never gets to sleep. He's crying
[00:15:44] It's good time. I don't remember the the details of it, but it's a great premise
[00:15:48] I love that premise the premise that anyone can rape Jim Carrey because of a witch's curse that is like early
[00:15:54] Technically he's saying yes early in stand-up. That's like do you remember that movie? What if you know
[00:16:01] Like first like two years in stand-up. I
[00:16:05] Don't I can't remember movie joke that I had I love when somebody tries to shoot or in an impression by doing that
[00:16:11] We're like I saw a comic the other day go remember Barack Obama
[00:16:19] There was a guy there was a guy in DC who had three impressions he had
[00:16:23] Yeah, he had Barack Obama. He had yeah, who is it? What's his name?
[00:16:36] Michael JF on every singles and you can guess guess what the Michael JFox impression was time
[00:16:44] He acted like a retarded that was also one of my first bits
[00:16:47] I remember Michael went up after him and he was like he's like yeah, he's like Michael JFox
[00:16:53] Like he could never play Batman because he put like the wrong shoes on the wrong feet or something and Michael
[00:16:59] Yes, that was that was the guy that was the guy that he thinks yeah
[00:17:04] He thinks that Parkinson's disease is makes you a retarded person
[00:17:08] and then and then and then Michael foodie went up after him he's like um
[00:17:12] He's like I think you don't understand what Parkinson's disease does
[00:17:19] Think they that was the best part. That's amazing
[00:17:22] He fundamental and he would say he would say wrong shoes every time after people pointed it out to him
[00:17:28] It didn't didn't ever do the laugh no it would no he was one of those comics
[00:17:33] Like he was one of those local scene comics who like would spend his days fighting with people on Facebook like calling out other
[00:17:40] You're not respecting my room. You can't work my room no more
[00:17:48] People have ever been successful anybody who's ever been like if you run the light at my room
[00:17:54] You are never gonna make it man. It's just not gonna have that Hannibal birds would have never been like when he hosted
[00:18:00] Knitting factory would never be like this dude showed up on my show last night
[00:18:04] He ran the light by four minutes. You don't get to go up anymore. It's yeah
[00:18:07] That's why do you care about this? I know it's funny because it's like those you're clinging to rules
[00:18:13] But you're also like not good at comedy
[00:18:17] You're hoping if you follow all the rules you will get a career because you know you're not funny in your heart
[00:18:22] Dude, I just I got into a fight with somebody about this the other day
[00:18:25] Because they were they pissed off one of my buddies and he messaged me about it
[00:18:29] It was a local comic from Indiana and he was posting like all lives matter shit to oh geez
[00:18:40] Politically speaking, I don't mind, but it's like he was disrespecting the open mic
[00:18:49] He was busy about how he got fired from hosting a show
[00:18:53] From it was a fil from guest hosting a show in Chicago at
[00:18:59] And I think an IO which just closed anyway
[00:19:02] But he was bitching about how he got removed from that because he had been saying some controversial things that pissed off the co-producers on
[00:19:09] Facebook and he was but he was like yeah, cancel
[00:19:12] I got canceled and it's like you can't get canceled from guest hosting an open mic
[00:19:19] That would cancel means but then I remembered that same motherfucker was the guy who there's two clubs in Indianapolis and
[00:19:27] And one of the clubs had a rule that you weren't allowed to work the other club or you'd get banned and
[00:19:33] Everybody thought it was bullshit because it's like we're all trying to get better whatever course
[00:19:38] So a lot of people would just do both and not tell the one club crackers that we're doing it
[00:19:44] Why and who's gonna tell this fucking little bitch did this little guy was a narc
[00:19:50] He would snitch people out for doing it. So I remembered that and I wrote on there like yeah
[00:19:54] I hate when people get fired for dumb shit like fucking performing in another club across down your snitch little bitch
[00:20:01] I did and then he was like that was one time
[00:20:07] And it's like you'll never you'll never make it if that's what you because he thought that if he ratted people out
[00:20:11] They club would work him, but ratting people out doesn't make you funnier
[00:20:15] Doesn't make you a better comic. You never got to work out of it. So that's incredible. He wasn't even working there
[00:20:20] He was just no he's no concerned citizen. Yeah such a bitch. I got in trouble
[00:20:28] My first like guest spot at the draft house in like the main room
[00:20:32] I got in trouble afterwards by a gentleman that used to run run like used to book it
[00:20:38] He's like you come in here disrespecting the room
[00:20:41] Because he was mad because I didn't iron my shirt. He's like you coming in here
[00:20:50] He's like your shirt needs to be starch next time you come that's awesome dude. I love that shit dude like as if this job a
[00:20:58] Would have like guess what all those guys ten years after you were doing that stand-up comedy doesn't even exist anymore
[00:21:06] Over like that's such a specific thing that like so many comics don't even wear wear shorts remember
[00:21:12] Yeah, that was a big thing shorts on stage
[00:21:16] But whatever man it doesn't matter it's a matter. That's the sort of shit that unfunny people are obsessed with I know
[00:21:23] Because then because if they can if they can fit all the rules
[00:21:28] They're like you wear dress shoes on the I remember somebody yelled at me one time
[00:21:31] They were like you wear dress shoes to fucking do stand up and I was like
[00:21:35] I nobody here cares for you and you're in your show a basketball shorts and dress shoes
[00:21:45] There was a Booker in DC who had a racist dress code who used to be like no sagging no doo rags
[00:21:52] No athletic shirts or like no like sports shirts. No spray paint on your shirt
[00:22:12] Yeah, no family reunions you could have never attended a family reunion in a park. Yeah, cookout
[00:22:19] Dude, I remember being so confused as a little kid when I was just at the park and they were just like
[00:22:26] 150 black people and I was like whoa fam you guys know your whole family you guys are all friends
[00:22:31] All I thought everyone's family was just like some annoying bitch in Greece
[00:22:36] And then and then you're and then like a couple people that called you fat and grease and then like your cut your weird half American cousin
[00:22:43] I didn't realize it dude, even though most Greek people had big-ass families, but I was like damn this fucking rules
[00:22:51] You got a big family Adam. No, I mean no cuz yeah, my parents immigrated here, so
[00:22:58] By I have one grandparent that's in back in Cape Town
[00:23:11] It doesn't make much sense because it's not Jamaica, but like we kind of encourage
[00:23:16] We're like, you know, live your truth granny
[00:23:21] My my aunt's hilarious you because she's a fucking my family is filled with hoarders and I have to fight that gene all the time
[00:23:28] For sure this woman this woman I go every time I go to Greece
[00:23:31] I ask her what she wants from America what she wants is
[00:23:34] Magnets from every city that I've done stand-up comedy and she just wants magnets
[00:23:39] She her whole place is filled with fucking trinkets. It's she wants to love it. So high-o'ed magnet. Do you do it?
[00:23:45] She literally does yeah. Yeah, I gave her I gave her column. I'm fact. She literally has a Columbus Ohio
[00:23:52] And I don't even I don't even I buy them there
[00:23:54] I'm like fuck I gotta go to Greece and I just look at where I was I look at my calendar and I'm like fucking on the internet like
[00:24:03] So funny I've had to do that before where you really have to buy something for your mom or something where you're from
[00:24:09] And you just do it at the airport always the airport always the airport always
[00:24:14] Yeah, my family so there's such pieces of shit too. I feel like I've told the story of the podcast before but like
[00:24:20] like I didn't realize that I thought all Greek people were shitheads like I didn't realize I just had a bad family
[00:24:26] Because I showed up when I I met like a bunch of I met my friends friend my Greek friends family
[00:24:33] And they were like like they all had like good pain. They were white collar like all had like good paying jobs
[00:24:38] They were just like you know very polite
[00:24:41] Oh hello nice to meet you and when I showed up at my fucking family the first thing my family said the last time I visited Greece
[00:24:47] My aunt the hoarder the little the little chubby hoarder was like you want meatballs you fat faggot
[00:25:05] Yeah, she was no that's that dude. I had no choice
[00:25:10] I was going through old pictures of Greece and I found a
[00:25:13] When I was at my fucking godfather's house. He lives on an island
[00:25:19] He called my dad and like I saw the caption where I posted he called my dad and he was like he told him that
[00:25:25] He was like hey, you're gay and then my dad was like I fuck more than you and it's like these are these are two old Greek men
[00:25:33] That used to be boys when they were 18 haven't seen each other for like you know
[00:25:37] Seeing each other like three times over the last 30 years, and it's like they're like yeah, dude
[00:25:45] I reconnected with my my cousin who was in
[00:25:55] And I miss I only see my funerals and he did not disappoint
[00:26:04] He didn't even say I'm sorry for your loss
[00:26:07] He was like hi Adam. How's it going and I was like oh, it's good
[00:26:11] You know I was like oh are you seeing it was during the riots?
[00:26:15] I was like and he's like you get a load of these riots going on right now
[00:26:18] He's like there's like the happening right outside my house, and I was like oh
[00:26:25] I was like do you look at your window at the riots or something? And he's like I prefer to watch the riots on television
[00:26:35] Where does he live L.A. He rocks. Okay. Yeah, he was just dripping. He's wearing like Gucci
[00:26:41] Like trainers and a her or mez belt because he lives
[00:26:45] He goes through his boats and he so he did he just saves up all his money from trip and then I was like oh yeah
[00:26:51] I'm about to get some pussy. Yeah, I was like I was like hey like wait
[00:26:54] Those are some pretty cool sneakers and he's like he's like no one's trims has a sale that I'm not supposed to buy them
[00:27:03] Wow, it's nice to see that Jewishness overpowers
[00:27:21] He's like these cost just as much as Reebox no he loves like he loves brands even when he was a kid
[00:27:30] I like I prefer going over to the our other cousin's house because they have more money than you guys
[00:27:42] He's like what kind of shirt is yours mine is our money, and it's just like I sure from Cole's that his mom got him
[00:27:52] Was either one that was jacking off it at you
[00:28:06] I only say I see a man I only see my funerals and my grandmother's shiva
[00:28:12] He kept going to the bathroom for 40 minutes and then just coming out eating a bunch of food and then going back to the bathroom
[00:28:18] And we have the shiva at my at my parents house because my grandma lived in Vegas and
[00:28:26] Right and his parents were like I don't know I mean I guess he just loves the bathroom and my dad is like he's masturbating
[00:28:37] So my mom is like I don't want it happening in this house like please say something to him
[00:28:43] And I was like lady it's happened a lot. It was how well, there's been a lot of jagged off go I grew up in this house
[00:28:52] He's like I guess he's in his 20s. How old was he then he was like 17. He was discovering his body
[00:29:02] It was too bad, but you know no he he was just figuring it out at and my grandma happened to die
[00:29:10] Because how young is too young and then how old is too old it's probably only the age of 12 and 13 and I would say
[00:29:22] And then so it's like right before your shame at 14. Yes, I felt shame immediately and then it went away
[00:29:29] And then oh no, I was like doing it before I could come because I was a late blimmer
[00:29:34] So I was just jacking my like child. It's a hard dick with no pubes
[00:29:38] We're just praying praying for the come to come just just a nude
[00:29:46] You could orgasm actually before you could come that's like a visit that's like happens
[00:29:50] Really? It's a stronger orgasm than I've ever had my entire life me buckling. I fell over once
[00:29:57] You're coming like a woman as literally I was like an herbal essence is that dude. It was insane
[00:30:02] Wait, wait. So your argument that our sexual prime is before we're 14 right?
[00:30:10] Adam is arguing for male sexual male sexual peak at 11 years
[00:30:14] Crystal Lee was just trying to let these women experience exactly
[00:30:20] Yeah, wait and end of the story with my cousin though when so I went to like
[00:30:26] Tell him like come on dude. You can't be going to the bathroom for so long
[00:30:30] They're like the I he'd leave in the waist basket was just be filled with tissues
[00:30:34] And I was like and he just he had no idea anyone the toy
[00:30:38] Yeah, exactly he had no idea that he could put tissues in the toilet
[00:30:41] He had no he thought it was the proof that he was getting away with it
[00:30:44] It was just you whatever and so then I like went past the bathroom the door was closed and he had an iPod touch
[00:30:51] And he was listening to get this party started by pink
[00:31:01] I don't know if he was watching the video. I like to believe that it was just the the
[00:31:07] It is better if it's just the the dulcet tones of pinks get this party started. We're getting them so horned up
[00:31:14] That fucking yeah, it's pretty cool. I would love it if that was true. Dude. Just jacking off the music
[00:31:21] Damn, I'm trying to think where is the most inappropriate place I've beaten off
[00:31:26] But I don't think I think like you ever have to be jobs where you did it. Yeah. Oh, yeah
[00:31:30] Yeah, I don't even think that's inappropriate. I think that they like count. They like expect you to do that
[00:31:34] You got it jack. Oh, that's why I haven't worked for eight hours a day
[00:31:38] We really only have to work for four hours a day, but they anticipate how much time you're gonna do that
[00:31:43] Absolutely. That's why they gave us that's in the formula. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, they got the
[00:31:49] What's that guy? What was motherfuckers called an actuary? They got an actuary on that
[00:31:53] Jacking off is one of the fucking columns in his little fucking book
[00:31:57] Um, yeah, she didn't do it. Oh, yeah, she's a little blumpkin
[00:32:02] At work dude at work sometimes you treat yourself that little shit jack off combo give yourself a bumpkin
[00:32:08] dudes a shit myself suck there's nothing like it at work on the company dime
[00:32:15] Tell me I'm not gonna do that get paid to come
[00:32:19] That's right. Yeah, brother. You put that blumpkin at 11 15. Oh my god
[00:32:23] 15 a.m. Half hour, ride that out to the lunch hour 15 minutes before lunch. Oh my god, beautiful
[00:32:32] So good because it helps too. Just listen
[00:32:35] You already you're already in that if you're shitting the right way you're squatting everybody knows that so you're already down there
[00:32:41] You know what I mean? So why not just put that little prick in your mouth too. Do you do that that squat?
[00:32:47] Like I've heard people I've I just heard about this maybe six months ago people saying that the right way to shit is you're standing up
[00:32:54] Yeah, and I think they they tried a jessel bell tries to re-injure it reinvent the shit every six months
[00:33:00] I don't listen to these women telling me what to do
[00:33:02] That's I got my system down. They have to really say
[00:33:07] They've run out of things to talk about now. They're just making things up to make us look fucking stupid girls
[00:33:12] It's time to shit. It's time to shit like a girl boss
[00:33:16] Here's what these I'm gonna shit your pants like a girl boss
[00:33:20] The patriarchy wants you to take a break and work less hard
[00:33:24] I'm tired of apologizing for shitting my pants
[00:33:27] Every day I saw I saw a lady at the mall once every day another old white man
[00:33:35] Shit, his pants doesn't say anything about it. Now. It's our turn girls
[00:33:40] They're like jealous of the 90 year old like the antonicole smith like
[00:33:47] Was he allowed to shit in his own chair
[00:33:49] And be your own be your own rich invalid sugar daddy shit your own pants
[00:33:57] What are you saying? I remember um oh yeah, I
[00:34:02] I forget um yeah, no, I haven't shipped my pants in a while. I'm pretty proud of myself
[00:34:11] Is that right? I should myself during quarantine. Oh you did
[00:34:15] You were at home just so close to my bathroom
[00:34:18] Complete access. I don't I just I think it was I hurt my back
[00:34:22] There's a there's appeared where I had hurt my back
[00:34:25] And so it became an emergency, but I did not have the mobility I needed
[00:34:30] Like I pulled I pulled I pulled a back muscle or I hit I hurt my tailbone
[00:34:34] That's what it was and I just couldn't I couldn't pop up quickly enough
[00:34:38] And I just sharded all over actually the shorts. I'm wearing now
[00:34:41] But well you kept you kept them. Well the underwear took the took the brunt the underwear
[00:34:48] One time I threw up in my boxers and they completely didn't touch the pants and it was calm me too brother
[00:34:55] What are you gonna do you up in your box here? Okay, it's okay. I know that we're giving a self bump
[00:35:00] You know it doesn't sound so fucking stupid because you're in the toy because you're on the toilet right Tom
[00:35:04] Yeah, you're on the toilet because you think you have to shit
[00:35:06] But you're praying you're praying you're gonna die aria out the alcohol
[00:35:18] Sexy you're like babe. I'm doing my job
[00:35:25] It was the first time I drank tequila in
[00:35:28] In college. Yeah, I I threw up. I just bought these pants and I was psyched about they were holsters
[00:35:34] I was really yeah, dude. Callie vibes. Hi
[00:35:38] You had to go you had to go into that little dark room smelling awesome past the guys with abs exactly
[00:35:44] I bought that uh, I used to buy that uh cologne they had in the store
[00:35:49] Oh, I'm in indiana holister was a big oh holister is cool in my high school too
[00:35:55] Now let me ask you this did did a trigger any bot were you a fat child? Did it trigger any body image? Absolutely. Yes
[00:36:01] Well, that's when I was uh, I was anorexic during that time. I was uh, yeah, I would I would eat a piece
[00:36:14] I didn't know how bad it was for I thought it was good for you. I had a right my first roommate would eat hydroxi cut
[00:36:22] You should go in with me on this and I did and I had fucking oh, yeah, shed weight
[00:36:26] Uh because I was eating a piece of toast with hot sauce on it for breakfast and that would be all I ate it
[00:36:34] So I run like six seven miles a day and holy just on the fuel of that hydroxi cut
[00:36:41] And uh, that's fucking insane sometimes I'll take a I'll be at like right aid and I'll see the hydroxi cut
[00:36:47] And it just gives me a flood of memories. I'm a little tempted to go back because
[00:36:51] Yeah, get back in there dude. I mean, yeah, it makes your heart hurt, but uh, yeah
[00:36:56] What doesn't basically like at all, but you can't focus no
[00:37:00] At all it doesn't help you focus right it's much worse and I would crash so hard and then I would eat
[00:37:05] Like shit every weekend because I would be so like uh cheat day
[00:37:10] I would be all dehydrated and fucked up and then I would just eat two uh
[00:37:16] Cudoba bowls and whatever you want to go in one bowl just at one meal
[00:37:21] It was fucking incredible. That's some fat boy shit right there
[00:37:24] I'm you're ordering two meals at the same spot
[00:37:28] And you're planning to use one is like a side dish
[00:37:32] I love that dude. That's that's that's when I know I'm in trouble when I'm just like oh, yeah
[00:37:36] Oh, yeah, this chicken chicken tenders instead of fries chicken is healthier than yeah
[00:37:41] It's actually better for you and there's like you're gonna get some protein out of that
[00:37:44] That's a pleasure. Waste protein is the fat guys like that is the that is
[00:37:50] You don't need that much protein like if you're not listening
[00:37:58] That has if you add that up that's like 60 grams you don't need 60 grams of protein
[00:38:03] Yes, no, I moved to New York. I was smoking like I had probably a weed problem
[00:38:08] I was like smoking way too much weed and I'd get high and I'd be alone and I'd feel like oh
[00:38:14] So then I drink a muscle milk and then just continue to sit on the couch because I thought that that was like
[00:38:23] Dude, you know what to layer you know what I love is that's a that's a product made exclusively
[00:38:28] To prey on fat men who are trying to get their lives together is those protein muffins and protein cookies dude
[00:38:37] I still have fat kid mentality those protein cookies. I had I had quest
[00:38:42] I sent me a box of them and I was like, yeah, fucking did it
[00:38:47] And I I said I finally stopped because I looked at the calories one day and I realized it was two servings for one cookie on one of them
[00:38:54] That's how they fuck you. That's how the fuck calories told
[00:38:57] I thought it was 250 and I was like, that's a great cookie and it's actually not bad. It tastes like yeah
[00:39:02] I mean, it's not good. They're not horrible, but they're not good. They're not good
[00:39:05] You would much rather eat a normal cookie, but for protein shit. It's pretty good for diet food. It's not bad
[00:39:14] Blink so I used to get I used to do a thing
[00:39:17] I still have trouble figuring out what to eat all the time
[00:39:20] And so I would go to the gym and get low blood sugar while I was there
[00:39:24] And then have to buy one of those and there was a taco bell across the street
[00:39:28] I would sprint out of the taco bell and go get a bunch or sprint out of the gym and go buy a bunch of taco bell and
[00:39:35] Because it was the only thing I could do to not faint
[00:39:37] Uh, yeah, you need the calories after the burn. Yeah, you gotta get some calories
[00:39:44] This is uh, this is how much I want that food as I know that that's going to happen when I leave for the gym and in my head
[00:39:52] I'm gonna be miserable. I fucking eat it
[00:39:54] It's the best because what that works for like a month or even a couple months and then eventually
[00:39:59] The gym is gone and you're at that exact taco bell looking at the gym
[00:40:03] You're in jeans. You're not you don't even have dress. You only you don't even have tennis shoes with you
[00:40:08] You're like, yeah, I might I might get a pump in. Oh, I'm running late. Yeah, you're wearing jeans
[00:40:13] I absolutely have absolutely done that taking the backpack with me, but I go with the couple buddies
[00:40:18] When I lived next to this taco bell my buddies would go we'd they were going to go eat and I was like
[00:40:23] I'll just walk that way with you and then I'll go to the gym
[00:40:27] And then I'll go to the gym 10 minutes later. I'm drinking a beer at taco bell
[00:40:31] Is it's one of those that have a canteen or taco bell for a doll, you know, I love the kind of a place
[00:40:38] I love the big chicks that have a have a boozy drink at taco bell. Yep
[00:40:45] Hit up first first pregame the shiva at the canteen
[00:40:54] Oh, fuck dude. Yeah, so you were because I feel like I've seen picture of you as a fat little
[00:41:01] I was a fat little boy. Yeah, I was never like huge huge, but I was way heavier and it was all fat
[00:41:07] Like it was oh, yeah, 100% fat on my body and uh, it was bad
[00:41:11] I there's a picture. There's there's I have I posted some of them, but uh, yeah
[00:41:16] I was a I was a fluffy little boy. I love seeing somebody. I love seeing somebody that used to be a member of the community
[00:41:28] There's like a version of that like you could either be like a nice guy that used to be fat
[00:41:33] But there is an evil former fat that is like a personality
[00:41:37] Absolutely. There's a lot of a lot of those guys are pieces of shit like they're so resentful and they fucking hate girls that like
[00:41:45] They're like, yeah, you didn't want to fuck me back then now. They're like, right?
[00:41:48] So angry and it's like just be happy somebody
[00:41:50] I don't know if it's true, but then that guy Richard Spencer just strikes me as a former fat
[00:41:58] You get that haircut. You feel like yeah, you know, I'm an alpha
[00:42:06] It's funny too because if you look back at the pictures of you when you were like like I look back at the pictures
[00:42:10] When I remember being like 19 and having body like this like I'm a piece of shit that no one will ever fuck
[00:42:18] I was like fine. I was like now. I'm a fucking met like if you compare my body now to what I was like at 20
[00:42:25] Before before college because the fucking freshman 15 was the freshman like 72
[00:42:31] Me dude just showing up to the dining hall
[00:42:34] I could just get dessert with every meal. Are you kidding me?
[00:42:36] My dining hall was one of those all you can eat motherfuckers. I was getting ice cream after like breakfast
[00:42:42] It was I was getting this dessert dude. Wait all you can eat hold up
[00:42:46] So you just like swiped a card to get in and then it was all you can get in and go crazy fucking buckwam
[00:42:52] I'm so lucky. That's not what I was going through
[00:42:54] I lost ways in college because I moved out of my mom's house and was in an apartment
[00:43:00] And not being at my mom's house because my mom would like let us eat whatever we wanted and even when I go back
[00:43:06] Everything's covered in butter. I'm eating. I'll eat a bag of Fritos like a big one
[00:43:11] Just in over the course of a day. It's gone
[00:43:19] So wait your mom fed you was she like it was that was that like how love that was how she expressed her love
[00:43:25] Yeah, because you had a piece of shit that I might get his father's dad piece of shit step dad
[00:43:30] We want to unload a couple perhaps you know on your and your own family, you know go ahead go up
[00:43:44] He's an Indian man, right? He's dead and he's an Indian
[00:43:55] I used to a bit about this for that. I was like, I'm only racist towards him
[00:43:58] So it's okay if you say horrible racist things about him and some people really didn't like that
[00:44:04] I would do that on stage, but it was you should do a notes apopology. I mean, I think now
[00:44:11] Yeah, just 2012 I told a racist joke about my father and my own father who I am the same
[00:44:23] Yeah, but yeah, so he's he's dead. I didn't really know him
[00:44:30] And so I really started one. Yeah, I know because it's like I don't remember him at all
[00:44:36] Um, two is such a hilarious time because he gave it two years. He was like
[00:44:40] And imagine bailing on a baby like that's the best it's gonna get dude. You're like fuck this little you're the cutest
[00:44:46] You're ever gonna be he couldn't even stick around to start talking
[00:44:49] I know I would have totally understood it if it was when I was like eight
[00:44:53] You're just fat and eight that I get I'm a fat little fuck just sneaking protein muffins
[00:45:00] And he's like an in-shape guy. He was probably like oh look at what you're doing to what could be
[00:45:05] My gee looking like me. Yeah. Yeah. No, but so he was gone. I did have a stepdad from the time
[00:45:14] Tonight like he's still alive and he's a piece of shit too. I wish he would
[00:45:18] Hilarious dude. It's so funny. I've said on I there's a clip I did
[00:45:24] Oh, there was the comedy central tape and we did the state of oh, yeah
[00:45:27] I said in that say in that set that I wish that my stepdad would kill himself
[00:45:32] That's why I don't want guns to get taken away because it would be harder for him to kill himself
[00:45:36] And I forgot I did that and then they put it on that clip and I post that's hysterical because it took them first of all a year to release them
[00:45:44] And they told us they were gonna edit it down
[00:45:46] They didn't edit anything they didn't edit at all
[00:45:49] But they used the whole day they cut the first minute off of mine
[00:45:52] And then it was still like seven minutes long
[00:45:55] So they used a bunch of shit. I thought they were only gonna use four minutes
[00:45:58] They said four minutes. The first one I think they was the first one they did never did
[00:46:05] I did I didn't know that they were gonna do that and
[00:46:09] And you assume the thing that gets cut out is the thing about your stepdad
[00:46:12] And I also we didn't know what those were gonna be like we didn't know what they were gonna look like
[00:46:17] We didn't know that they were gonna be all over social media
[00:46:19] I mean, I knew they were gonna post it but I didn't know that got more views than my Conan and stuff and
[00:46:24] Yeah, my stepdad's mom shared that clip
[00:46:32] And I didn't know that and then I watched it right before I went home back
[00:46:36] Right before I went back to Indiana and I was like, oh fuck
[00:46:39] Now I got a and then I showed up to a restaurant that my mom was at and he was there they live in separate houses
[00:46:45] But they're still married. It's very complicated. Oh my god
[00:46:47] They're and I was like this motherfuckers gonna shoot me like I legitimately thought he was gonna kill me
[00:46:52] And then it turned out he's such a little bitch. He was like he was like, you know
[00:46:56] He was always an asshole to me growing up. He's very abusive. He told he was like I'm gonna
[00:47:01] He literally told me he was gonna murder
[00:47:03] Jesus like he said he was gonna murder my whole family. He would say when he was drunk all the time
[00:47:07] He had a gun he showed it to me and so I hate this piece of shit
[00:47:10] Of course and then he he goes I thought he was gonna tell me something fucked up and instead he goes
[00:47:16] My friend I told all my friends my my sons that stand up comedian. He's on tv. I was like what fuck you
[00:47:25] That's awesome. Yeah, clearly a didn't see it. No. Well, that was Conan. I think he was talking about
[00:47:30] I don't think he saw the he but but he must have seen if his mom shared it
[00:47:35] It's so fun. Oh, yeah, dude. It is so funny when like a piece of shit parent is like, you know what?
[00:47:40] I did something right. It's like no. This is in spite of you. You can't take the big deal doctor right now
[00:47:48] Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I'd be normal. I wouldn't have my girlfriend rolling her eyes at the things i'm saying
[00:47:54] Right, right. I wouldn't tell you about the hometown. I shit myself
[00:48:00] Threw up in my boxers and miss the jeans. Oh wait finish your story. So you're oh, yeah, they're hollister pants
[00:48:05] They're hollister pants. I'm all I'm all hyped about him and I throw up I go to the bathroom thinking i'm gonna shit
[00:48:10] This is how this happens. This is how it ends up in your boxers and instead in one falsoap
[00:48:16] You realize you're going to throw up and I don't have time to be done. You can't do the flip
[00:48:21] I also probably had shit on my ass or something. I couldn't do a flip
[00:48:24] And there's no trash can there and it's just blurted out right into the into my boxers
[00:48:30] And I I have a buddy who still reminds me of this every time I see him where he's like you came out of the bathroom
[00:48:39] I was like I think I had thrown the boxes away, but they all heard me throwing up and I go yeah, the pants are clean
[00:48:45] And I was like so so hyped about it, but uh, yeah, yeah, dude
[00:48:51] You guys got dead. Yeah, I got a dad. Oh, yeah, that's yeah. I'm cool with him lucky
[00:48:58] Nah now my dad should do say same say similar to the vibe of like they should have
[00:49:04] gotten divorced. Yeah years ago, but it's just like I guess this is it now right it
[00:49:12] I'm like like I think a movie is like as good as it gets or like uh, something's gotta get any of those
[00:49:18] I just watch so many other things. It's fire
[00:49:24] It's a heart attack while he's fucking a man to pee and then he fucks her mom. It's great moving
[00:49:28] Oh, that is great. I should watch that again. I haven't seen it since it came. I love those movies. I love it's complicated. I love all
[00:49:36] I love I love the idea of the elderly finding love and so I always think of that with my mom
[00:49:42] I'm like don't you want to feel something like they want to be happy because they're like I said they don't live together
[00:49:51] And I'm like don't you think and she's always like he's an idiot
[00:49:54] She'll always just be like he's a fucking idiot and I'm like don't you want to be with somebody you respect or like right?
[00:50:00] Right, right. I think at some point you're just like yeah, I guess who gives a shit. I don't know
[00:50:07] I was always pissed because like my mom's great and I in my head. I was like damn. I could have just some like fat american men
[00:50:16] Yeah, dude who gave me hugs and showed me like taught me how to fucking talk me about cars
[00:50:21] Damn, I never thought about that that I could have had it
[00:50:24] I've legit tried to get I could tell my mom had a crush on one of my friends and I was like man
[00:50:30] I would fucking love that if I just got to pipe her out
[00:50:32] Buddy you want your boy to fight your mom dude. That would be sick. She'd get that young
[00:50:39] Yeah, get that worked over. You deserve that mom
[00:50:42] You deserve get that corn fed pussy worked over
[00:50:45] You it was a way straight from a from an indian and an indian deadbeat to a fucking just some regular ass white guy with a gun
[00:50:53] Exactly. You need somebody. Yeah, you need somebody who's who's learned about
[00:50:56] Assy sexual revolution is taken to the next level. It's gonna blow her mind. They don't have ass eating in indiania yet
[00:51:06] It's like throwing out a caveman letting a woman who hasn't been fucked since like
[00:51:10] 1997 by some young some young guy who's abusing amphetamines with her son
[00:51:16] That's a bitch. Yeah, dude. I want your mom to get fucked dude. I love it. I think I want my mom to get uh after covid
[00:51:22] We should get a man like a well-hung man to fuck tom's mother
[00:51:29] And my mom I bet you get a deal they can be escamos sisters
[00:51:39] We would be yeah if our moms are escamos sisters we're brothers
[00:51:42] Really? Yes, dude. I'm just thinking I'm gonna fuck your mom and be your father
[00:51:52] Well, honestly, dude, would you be a good dad? I think I'd be a pretty good dad
[00:51:58] It wouldn't be funny if you were my father
[00:52:01] It's I think it's one of those things where as a kid you're so offended by the idea of your friend bang in your mom
[00:52:07] And the older I get I'm like that would be so fucking sad rock to go home and your buddy's there
[00:52:13] Yeah, thanks giving oh, it's awesome your mom bakes you and your and her husband slash your boy while you hi
[00:52:19] Why you guys played 2k I fucking know that she's tuckered out. She's an old woman. She's
[00:52:24] Earlier you smoke weed with your dad slash boy
[00:52:34] If only if only if only you could work out. Do you guys kind of think do you guys buy your dad's?
[00:52:40] Gifts for today. I didn't get him a gift, but I'm gonna it's birthdays next month. I'm gonna get him a gift
[00:52:49] He needs the guy needs a gift right now. Yeah. Yeah, you got it. I can't believe you didn't give a father's day gift
[00:52:59] Good as sprung for some I just got him a
[00:53:12] I should I should send over a prostitute seriously get him
[00:53:24] Yell the prostitute about social distancing
[00:53:26] He's they apparently he's been like because he didn't leave the house for three months
[00:53:29] Apparently he's been like now leaving the house and yelling at old people in the supermarket to stand farther away
[00:53:40] I want your dad to have a mask on and only do doggy style because he's scared dude
[00:53:44] I picked up breakfast today from this bakery. That's really good by me
[00:53:48] And the chick working there was straight up wearing a pleather s&m mask with a zipper over the mouth
[00:53:59] She's like I haven't seen that yet. I've been waiting. I think she's like yeah
[00:54:02] I was like yeah, that was like a joke like that. Oh, yeah people are gonna wear a gift mask now
[00:54:06] But she was like straight. I was like damn
[00:54:09] She's like she's like her vibe is a big girl
[00:54:11] They're like so have fun, but I like that I really fucked with that today. The food phenomenal shout out to that
[00:54:21] That's and good for her and good for all big girls would like to have fun
[00:54:25] You know, I just watched hairspray the original. That's a Baltimore class. No delete
[00:54:30] It's a Baltimore classic and listen no delete. I know she's young in this but
[00:54:33] Ricky lake is looking good. What can I say? I'm I got about a hot
[00:54:36] I love Ricky Lake. I'm a big Ricky Lake guy and uh, she was she could really cut a rug
[00:54:44] Dude that show one of my favorites. I remember being like her and uh, what's Jenny Jones? Yeah, whatever
[00:54:50] I thought they were both pretty odd, but I was also
[00:54:54] Did Jenny Jones get canceled because there was a murder
[00:54:57] There was like a my spouse is cheating on me thing and they're like oh no
[00:55:02] It was like I have a crush and then it was a guy who had a crush on his boy
[00:55:07] On his friend and they I think the guy killed him
[00:55:16] Talk shows like that had a peek and I think that that was kind of the apex
[00:55:20] I think it was like the end of it because I think there's still isn't mori like still a show
[00:55:24] I know he's still kicking bro. He found the formula still happening. Yeah
[00:55:29] Morrie struck gold with you are not father. It's so good
[00:55:33] He's a he's a literal. He's a retired newsman that has become an icon
[00:55:38] To like to a younger generation and to black to it or specifically as just like the you are not the father guy
[00:55:45] I loved it. I loved being home sick from school and just watching jerry springer and morrie and like all those shows every single damn
[00:55:54] I never fucked with springer. I love like too trashy for me. I think I agree with you
[00:55:58] It was it felt a little I don't know if that was me being like a hipster. Yeah, like a baby hipster
[00:56:03] But being like oh everyone likes sure. I'm a Ricky. I'm a more refined Ricky Lake fan. Thank you very much
[00:56:11] I like things with more nuance and a young woman with big titties
[00:56:16] You know, she was 24. I went down a real
[00:56:18] Ricky Lake Wikipedia rabbit hole because I was stoned as shit watching hairspray
[00:56:23] She was 24 when she got that show. Holy shit. That insane. How did the youngest youngest person ever to get us indicated?
[00:56:30] I think off hairspray. I think hairspray was the big thing and then she just kind of flipped it
[00:56:35] She fucking she took the money and I think
[00:56:39] That seems like the most fun type of show. I know and I'm pissed
[00:56:43] What's that? That seems like the most fun type of show to host because it's such bullshit
[00:56:47] And you just have to formulate some bullshit message at the end to validate
[00:56:59] Words mark my words. I will host a show like that by the time my life your name is perfect for it
[00:57:04] Because it could be a one name stavros. Yeah, just in cursive like neon cursive. Yeah, I
[00:57:13] Dude, that's what i'm doing. I gotta fuck it. I started doing a an advice show on twitch
[00:57:16] That's that's the fucking that's the pilot
[00:57:19] Stavi solves your problems is gonna end up with me doing stavi in the style of Ricky lake
[00:57:23] I think you gotta have Adam be your bodyguard on it because they always have a
[00:57:26] Beer's real close dude. Just get beat up by that show
[00:57:31] That's insane that show is another one that was too far. Oh, yes, like they would have will close. Yeah, that's right
[00:57:39] They would have KKK and pedophiles on i'm raised this air and i fucked my daughter
[00:57:47] All you do is like you don't fuck kids and then he'd take the guys chair away and he'd be like you can't sit down
[00:57:58] I know dude. It's so awesome, but that is a testament to sprigger where it's like that's how big he got that his bodyguard got a show
[00:58:10] Fucking that prosecutor. Yeah paying for it with a check
[00:58:13] Yeah, and the people of since nadi loved him so much that they wrote him in
[00:58:18] As he was went off the bow. He was mayor of since nadi. He went down to kentucky paid for a hooker with a check
[00:58:26] And then they loved him so much after he stepped out of they wrote him in and he won again
[00:58:32] That's incredible the legend the absolute god
[00:58:39] He hosts a podcast at a i don't think he probably does it now
[00:58:42] But for a while in since nadi or maybe it was in west virginia. That's like right over the river
[00:58:47] He was hosting a podcast like a live podcast at this bar. It seemed really cool rocks
[00:58:52] That fucking rocks dude. Then I gotta see if we can get fucking sprigger on at him. That would be such a bad dude
[00:58:59] Could you imagine getting jerry sprigger?
[00:59:01] Not that you'd have to get a cameo, but sprigger will do come town. We can get yeah, we can have him like tell us why we have to stop
[00:59:09] Yes, dude. I need that. I need the intervention speaking of people like this. I did
[00:59:13] I just thought of it because I just said cameo. I just got a cameo for time
[00:59:17] It's tommy max 30th birthday today. Oh, yeah, fuck. Yeah, yeah hit him up
[00:59:26] Dude, they're only 50 dollars the guy is like a shit
[00:59:29] And it's so sad because he does it as if he's doing the impression that south park does of him
[00:59:36] Yeah, he sounds exactly like that. It's fucking weird, man. Dude. He didn't his life fall apart. Didn't he get caught doing something?
[00:59:42] Yeah, dancing to remain just messaged me because I posted the cameo and he was like, I think that dude got in trouble for
[00:59:49] Like check fraud or something like he was writing bad checks
[00:59:55] Thank god he wasn't you got to be infallible, man
[00:59:57] You can't fuck totally because you know, there's an army of pedophiles waiting for you to slip
[01:00:03] You know, you know the secret the secret cabal of pedophiles that runs this country
[01:00:07] You're just waiting for hanson to get off his piece and cues. Oh, so we're very soon gonna see a thing that's like jeff
[01:00:17] Yeah, dude, you know, there's a room full of like Epstein like whoever whoever likes, you know, allen dersha wits the vatican
[01:00:24] Yeah, the hollywood producers. They're all together. They're like we have to take down hands
[01:00:30] He's he's he's embarrassing the community
[01:00:32] He's rubbing our faces and it was condescension. Yeah, that's that's true
[01:00:39] But the powerful pedos probably have a lot of contempt for like the drunk stepdad pedos
[01:00:47] They they're not doing it with class. They're not like trying to summon bl's above you don't shit where you eat
[01:00:53] We have a system there used to be honor
[01:01:00] It should be us fucking their their their steps children not them
[01:01:04] They don't prick the finger and they don't let the blood they don't do a blood mixing ritual
[01:01:11] Well, they're not part of the system. They don't kick up exactly. It's like the mafia
[01:01:15] You know what I mean? You gotta know powerful pet this thing of ours. This thing of ours having sex with children
[01:01:22] Mean Jeffrey Epstein's island was still like wasn't that I mean it was he had an island
[01:01:27] But like he wasn't that classy, you know, he was still a kind of a gross you know what I mean
[01:01:33] He was have you guys watched the doc. I haven't watched it. No, I haven't watched it
[01:01:38] It seems hard to it's really hard for me because like I'm one of those guys who like I don't like what he did
[01:01:46] I hate what he I hate what he did, but it's like you got right got him
[01:01:51] Right. You you you you have to uh you have to uh you see excellent
[01:01:56] separate the art from the artist you know exactly yes, like
[01:02:00] Greatest of all time. You can all agree Carl rove. I don't like the politics, but he was a mastermind
[01:02:06] Same thing. I don't fuck with Epstein. I don't like when people fuck children, but
[01:02:10] He got a lot done to me. He's the greatest of all time. He's a doer. What do you think do you do you agree with that?
[01:02:20] I love I heard you doing this on uh when jamele was on and it's so funny because like
[01:02:25] He did it to you, but it was like sentences, but with him you can't you don't even need to like add anything to the shit
[01:02:32] All the shit he already says is so fun. Yeah, for example, for example, go Cosby innocent
[01:02:41] What about crystal leah Nick? What do you think about him innocent? Really jeff Ross innocent damn dude. I don't know
[01:02:49] What happened with jeff Ross? I don't even want to talk about it
[01:02:55] Dating a 16 year old girl and like even for dad was fifth and her dad was like with it
[01:03:00] Wow, what if his defense was like hey, I was dating her, but I was not roasting her
[01:03:07] I never said one part of a roast. I was so kind that's her special to me
[01:03:19] It's like funny in this economy of like people getting canceled like they put up the picture of them and everyone's like
[01:03:27] But like hit his look in particular is a is a like sure, you know, okay, are okay
[01:03:35] Let's not talk about people. Okay, fine. That's true. Sorry
[01:03:40] The oversized glasses and the mustache let's you know, there's
[01:03:44] This is like this like the goals like when uh
[01:03:48] Yeah, the gold. I look I understand it's like how it's like how melphy's husband in the sopranos talking about the anti
[01:03:57] Anti fat guy with big glasses and a little mustache discrimination. They call us all pet 14 to 15
[01:04:03] A percent of them are not peta files. Okay, that's right. I am
[01:04:12] I am the 15 percent of people that look like pedophiles, but don't fuck kids
[01:04:22] Did you see these fucking there's there's cops that had a sign that said we are not the 40% or we are the 60%
[01:04:30] Which is like so you just admit 40% of yeah your job beat their wives man
[01:04:40] Fuck what's his last name zak ryanards tweet where he said uh
[01:04:44] He said cops be like I can't be racist my wife's eye is black
[01:04:51] Holy shit, that's a great joke. It's a perfect joke. Um that's you know what that deserves
[01:05:03] Wow stop the best drop I've ever stopped that might be your best
[01:05:08] It's so good. Thank you brother. I gotta piss real quick one second
[01:05:12] Do it go ahead. Go ahead. Take a little pissy. Go ahead. Take a little pissy poo Adam
[01:05:18] I was like what are you gonna do the rest? I was thinking about upset
[01:05:21] Real quick just because I opened it and then forgot to close it. Um, what's that the only
[01:05:31] Blue my mind you guys are together. We've been in the same house the whole time. It's crazy
[01:05:41] Adam's ethernet went down in his house and we don't have a way to do it like nik has the fucking
[01:05:47] Recording equipment so we were like I guess just come over and sit in my living room
[01:05:57] You pieces of shit you couldn't you couldn't have told me up top. I feel like no
[01:06:02] Couldn't have told you we had to make we had to make you very very confused
[01:06:05] Um, yeah, he's he's taking a shit in the bathroom now
[01:06:09] But what as soon as this wraps up we got a couple steaks. We're gonna grill up
[01:06:13] So you're gonna be our own daddies. I wish you were here, man
[01:06:16] This is a this is a fatherless day. I would love to be a part of that. I should have bought a steak
[01:06:23] Um, I went to a barbecue yesterday and that felt kind of like a father's date thing
[01:06:27] I went to a protest went to a barbecue. It was nice little day
[01:06:33] We got a nice thing to make some ribeye sticks
[01:06:37] I'm jealous of this. I feel like grilled grilled some corn maybe greek salad. Ooh
[01:06:42] That's a nice little dinner. I think we're about to have a little pasta
[01:06:49] My own little pesto. That is what they call it. Um, it's like real great. Yeah, that's that's the indianne. Yeah. Yeah
[01:06:58] Sauce with an L. I never had pasta with green sauce in it before I moved out of indiana
[01:07:04] That blew my mind the first time I saw it. What's that's hysterical any other culinary shit that you you did not you didn't know what to do with
[01:07:13] That's a good question. I didn't know about being poor. I never had like chicken. Have a certain with that
[01:07:18] Yeah, rice was like never a part of my dish until I left that's just there
[01:07:25] I started going to uh, uh, uh, mr. Once when I was in college even more and you're half indian too
[01:07:31] That's just there. That's how much you hate your dad. Yeah, maybe that's why
[01:07:37] No rice. It's it's we had a very uh, uh
[01:07:42] indiana fair and it did feel like it was
[01:07:45] At a fair and it felt like it was a shot at my father
[01:07:49] It was like you're gonna have the least amount of indian culture
[01:07:52] That's terrible and uh, I appreciate that. Um, yeah
[01:08:00] What are you they just leave like where do they meet by? I'm sorry not to bring it up again. Oh, it's weird
[01:08:04] How they met uh, they met because my aunt who I was gonna say earlier also a hoarder
[01:08:10] And interesting an asshole. Uh, yep, she
[01:08:15] Would always use the classifieds like to meet dudes she'd use the person
[01:08:19] And she had too many dates and so she had this extra one. She was like, oh, this guy's indian
[01:08:25] You probably want him and so it was like a joke you exist. Oh my god is a whole
[01:08:34] She had to what you're you're the result of overflow
[01:08:45] Damn, he was the one that's so funny that uh
[01:08:48] Uh, yeah, I was thinking I was trying to match up with that alan iverson crossover spurt
[01:08:58] I'm thinking for you, um, career wise you should probably rebrand as like
[01:09:03] One of those post-disease like black sent uh indian comedians
[01:09:08] Yeah, but you think I have a lot of that?
[01:09:13] It was re at my parents went to hortford medical school
[01:09:16] Yeah, you need to start getting like spray tans to make you just a little darker. You know what i mean?
[01:09:23] Yeah, you start you start doing brown base
[01:09:30] Yep, do you crisp up nice? Oh, yeah, I do i just was just outside for like three hours
[01:09:36] I got a nice little i'm dark right now and i was in LA for you know six months
[01:09:41] I'm no wait. You're not where you i'm in brookin now. You're back
[01:09:44] Welcome back home a week ago. Thanks man. Oh, I got back home. Yeah, same
[01:10:01] That would have been so fucking funny different rooms of the house zoom so we're gonna sob and I are gonna drink uh
[01:10:09] Mm-hmm. Oh light some candles have a little romantic dinner. We're gonna have a nice little thing of chianti
[01:10:17] What is chianti? Is that wine? I think yeah, I found out about it for silence in the lams to be honest
[01:10:23] Uh, yeah me too. I think that's how we all think so you think that they paid for that
[01:10:31] Big chianti i've been on the quianti's what I call my dick
[01:10:42] I'm sorry Tom. I didn't mean to lie to you. You're always gone
[01:10:46] You got dick name fraud you're going down like a dude. I'm on that white wall. I'll shit right now
[01:10:52] Hell yeah, I have a weird instrument. I was gonna not drink in New York and it's it's
[01:10:56] Hard for me to do podcasts that I have one just out of
[01:11:01] Respect respect brother anything you want to plug. Thank you, bro. Thanks for doing the show. Yeah. Yeah, uh check out
[01:11:09] Oh shit. When does this come out tomorrow tonight?
[01:11:12] Today, but maybe tomorrow. Okay. All right. If you live in Michigan. I'm doing my first live stand updates
[01:11:24] Dr. Grins in grand rat. Oh, at least it's a doc at least you have a doctor on route
[01:11:30] Have a feeling dr. Grins does not have the medical license
[01:11:35] He's one of those laughter cures everything he's a patch out of yeah
[01:11:41] Uh, yeah, he goes to the hospital and he's like laughter is the best medicine and then he's telling jokes that are bombing
[01:11:47] And he's like you guys don't even want to get back
[01:11:59] I'm working a little too blue for you cancer kids
[01:12:13] I got a clue for you blue this fucking car
[01:12:21] I hope you kids fucking died. I heard steve was gay
[01:12:27] I know a queer when I said what are you in for?
[01:12:39] Uh terminal cancer is what I call that Tom Hanks movie that sucks. Yes
[01:12:47] This is a bunch of children who don't even know why would we know what that is like a lesser known Tom Hanks movie
[01:12:54] Fuck well, thank you. So when is that that's this that's this weekend
[01:12:58] 25th through the 27th of June. I also have a podcast on comedy central where I play stand up comedy clips that I think are
[01:13:05] Funny and then stand by your band which you boys gotta come do I'd love to
[01:13:09] Where we me and Tommy McNamara have comics to fan music the people make fun of like oh wow
[01:13:16] Yeah, bro. Yeah, especially now with zoom and fuck it. Hell. Yeah, whatever
[01:13:20] Um, thanks bro. Thanks for doing the show. We appreciate it. Thanks for having me boys
[01:13:24] Yeah, see you guys. Thanks. That's gonna be the episode
[01:13:28] Check out stop he solves your problems on mother fucking youtube
[01:13:30] Um and I do a friday every friday on twitch twitch.tv slash stobby baby
[01:13:37] And yeah, stavy solves your problems. It's a podcast and it's available on youtube and do all that yep check out comtown
[01:13:47] Our beloved nikka. It should be back on wednesday. So that'll it's gonna be a hot one
[01:13:56] Who knows how who knows how hopefully the doctor is over at seeder sine. I aren't giving him jewish style medicine and he'll be better
[01:14:06] Yeah, thanks for doing the show again. So it depends depends on the spin of the of the draydle miss you boys
[01:14:11] Take care. All right. She and tommy. Thank you, bro