Cum Town | Premium | 09/24/2016
[00:00:00] B..B..B..B...B..B..B...B..B…B..B...B…B...B...B…B..B…B...B..B...B...B..B...B..B B
[00:00:27] Welcome to your world pretty baby. Is it everything you thought it'd be?
[00:00:33] Oh you dick. A wrong time the wrong situation.
[00:00:41] Okay so this is uh this is bonus content.
[00:00:44] This is uh I'm too tired to do a real episode so.
[00:00:50] After dark. I don't know we have to pick the better of the two and that one becomes the premium content.
[00:00:55] The premium is a good one. The premium is a good one.
[00:01:01] Is that the one we got to do coke without me?
[00:01:03] I feel that's I'm afraid to listen to that.
[00:01:09] No I've never listened to a single one of anything before.
[00:01:14] I mean I'm being honest I've never listened to the podcast.
[00:01:19] Yeah no I just make sure everything's like lined up right and then I put the interstitials in.
[00:01:24] People said it was people said it was really bad.
[00:01:31] I mean first of all I'm not going to pay five dollars to our own podcast so.
[00:01:35] Yeah but thank you to everyone that signed up.
[00:01:38] I had to find some emergency extra content to put up to make up for it.
[00:01:48] That was someone who who shall not be named.
[00:01:55] Yeah and then if we have guests and shit I guess the guests will go on.
[00:01:58] I asked I fucking people keep requesting Sam Hyde to be on the podcast.
[00:02:03] And then I finally asked him because like people were like yeah I told him about the
[00:02:07] podcast or whatever and I asked him he's like I don't think well on my feet.
[00:02:14] Yeah I think he just doesn't want to do.
[00:02:16] He's just intimidated by this alpha male podcast.
[00:02:20] I know I know that like he was bullied into doing Gavin's podcast.
[00:02:25] Yeah they were like hounding him or some shit and he didn't want to be on it.
[00:02:28] Yeah but no one wants to really do Gavin's show.
[00:02:32] Yeah we don't need anyone to be a cuck on this show.
[00:02:35] Yeah I wouldn't even tell Sam I'm Jewish.
[00:02:42] So weaves like Sam except even more racist.
[00:02:53] Yeah well those are the guys who'll do the show.
[00:03:02] Let's get some fucking racist ass Pepe memes going.
[00:03:17] I don't give a shit about his opinions.
[00:03:23] That's uh we got George Zimmerman next week.
[00:03:26] Million Dollar Stream is that fucking the show.
[00:03:29] It's funny and there's some shit we're like oh my god how did these motherfuckers
[00:03:37] Yeah it's pretty cool it's pretty funny.
[00:03:39] I like the fact that Adult Swim is letting them do it.
[00:03:51] Yeah apparently like we've hacked into a bunch more printers
[00:03:54] and printed out a bunch of Nazi like hey did you see that when he did that like last year.
[00:03:59] He's like hacked like 30,000 printers that were like accessible through the internet
[00:04:04] and printed out like Nazi hate speech on like public printers.
[00:04:07] Look at libraries and libraries and universities and stuff but he did it again but to promote
[00:04:19] Yeah but with also the you know hey check out Daily Stormer it's the only pro genocide
[00:04:31] I'll say it again and then after that we're going to have Itzok Perlman
[00:04:40] Yeah Itzok Perlman will be in studio with us and he's got a couple of great n-word jokes
[00:04:52] That's itzok perhaps the most Jewish name.
[00:04:59] My favorite fake Jewish name that I used to use is Schmulichlomo.
[00:05:03] I would comment on articles and yeah I'd wear the pennies okay.
[00:05:09] It was just Schmulichlomo was the first guy to die in the holocaust.
[00:05:23] But while it's before they're really serious about like the genocide fell on
[00:05:27] so they're like look anyone that's willing to pay $25 isn't going to get holocaust in.
[00:05:35] That's literally worse than the holocaust.
[00:05:45] Yeah after dark we're all pretty tired you had a decadent Italian meal.
[00:05:50] I mean I just got off a fucking 48 hour flight from Tokyo.
[00:05:57] Yeah some kind of fucking conference or something.
[00:06:03] So I'm going to start using those tags on iTunes.
[00:06:07] We're going to recategorize ourselves as a travel podcast.
[00:06:10] With it all right like all right travel.
[00:06:16] Pretty disappointed with the lack of white people in Japan.
[00:06:24] Let's drop a couple more you know what's atomic bombs.
[00:06:27] Do all right guys they're mostly feminists though right?
[00:06:37] No they're like they're like in the cell dude.
[00:06:40] The fact that they even like memes is weird to me.
[00:06:46] I guess I do like that there's young racists it's funny.
[00:06:51] Where it comes from is like if you do something if you do something you know
[00:06:55] it's like that Vonnegate quote like if you keep acting like a faggot
[00:06:58] eventually you're going to be a faggot.
[00:07:04] It's like you know it's like irony poisoning where you fucking say
[00:07:08] the N word on Xbox live enough times because it's funny and eventually you're like
[00:07:17] How dare he fucking ruin my kill streak.
[00:07:20] And then that's where that whole movement comes from.
[00:07:25] You know because you don't know if you're serious anymore.
[00:07:26] I mean I'm like that with like Kmart graphics teams right right right.
[00:07:30] I wear them and I'm like do I what am I.
[00:07:34] I'm talking about yeah you you do by the way.
[00:07:39] The homeless people love that eat my dust shirt.
[00:07:44] They all try to read it and then it's happened.
[00:07:47] I swear to God like three or four times that's how the bodega and this homeless
[00:07:50] guy was like eat my guts. All right man I like that okay.
[00:07:57] I was stuck in traffic on Canal Street like bumper to bumper on Friday leaving town
[00:08:04] and there was like this there's this homeless guy whose ass was coming out of his pants.
[00:08:10] And traffic was so bad he had this like this walk where he was going so fucking slowly
[00:08:16] that we were stuck like a couple blocks down and then we saw him slowly pass us.
[00:08:23] And we're like literally this guy is beating us right now the guy with his ass out.
[00:08:28] I would love it if he was the reason all traffic was fucked up.
[00:08:32] And some guy with his ass just rubber neck.
[00:08:40] Probably a lot of caked on shit on that ass right.
[00:08:43] Yeah I mean it was there was a lot of wear and tear.
[00:08:49] You know what I wish I had the ability to do is like do show time like do show times on the trains
[00:08:55] but go on the trains and be like what's up for everybody this is show time and I start doing
[00:08:59] show time and then shit myself halfway through.
[00:09:03] I just have like violent diarrhea my pants fall off it starts spraying all over the train
[00:09:09] That would be the ultimate New York City experience.
[00:09:13] You got if one of the show time guys has diarrhea.
[00:09:16] Did you hear the cricket lady the lady that released the crickets on the floor train was doing a bit.
[00:09:25] I mean I think she is crazy but she was like yeah it was like one of my acting things.
[00:09:34] I told you about that guy on the train that had like he had like a little like amplifier
[00:09:38] on his waistband and he had like a stupid fucking shirt on and a dumb hat and it was right when
[00:09:43] I moved to New York so it might have been Ray Comp.
[00:09:46] I don't think it was Ray Comp but they had the same voice as Ray Comp and he was like gets on
[00:09:52] the train he's got this amplifier and a microphone hooked up to it and he's like
[00:10:00] like fucking waving his arms around and acting like a stupid jackass and you know speaking gibberish
[00:10:05] and he gets to the you know just we're nearing the next stop I guess we're on the
[00:10:12] hour under the water or something and he's like thanks folks if you enjoyed me just trying to
[00:10:16] brighten your day you can give me a dollar I just want to make people laugh that's all I'm doing
[00:10:22] I'm trying to just have fun out here and be goofy and make people laugh and then he's still
[00:10:27] talking into the microphone so everyone can hear him and he walks past this couple and he was like
[00:10:32] what was that oh well you know what I'm actually performing the comedy clubs all over the city so
[00:10:40] oh my god you know your preferences is you know he got like an argument with somebody it was like
[00:10:46] that wasn't fucking he said that to him and then he got really defensive about it so awesome yeah
[00:10:52] imagine just fucking having an amp and trying to do stand up Bryson did that shit he's like did
[00:10:57] stand up in the subway for some reason yeah it's like improv anywhere dude yeah no fuck that I
[00:11:04] don't want you know I was thinking the other day improvised explosive device improv yeah okay
[00:11:11] so you made it rapus eric laser yeah this is all coming back to the uc and improvise
[00:11:19] big what's in Chelsea device the ucb's in Chelsea where was the bomb or the bomb yeah it was in
[00:11:26] Chelsea what was that what the fuck happened with that bomb um well it was a very mouslamex style
[00:11:33] attack 100% connected to an as mama fought individual or a group of individuals who were
[00:11:42] acting in the name of the holy kuran their pedophile god Allah and pedophile Muhammad
[00:11:51] they proscribed in any kind of peace you know so it's actually it's a mouslanic duty it's actually
[00:12:02] called one of the pillars islam you got to blow people up during san jonara especially if it's
[00:12:07] a queer neighborhood that's my favorite shit on twitter people are like Chelsea a queer neighborhood
[00:12:12] blown up by mouslins it's like some guy in the middle of taxes we got some famous kind of like a
[00:12:18] push yeah like i don't care yeah i upset that in the at the rnc he was giving his speech and he goes
[00:12:26] uh he's talking about how muslims are mean to the lgbt community and then he goes not good
[00:12:36] he was like trying to say really bad folks i'm telling you they look the l first of all l's
[00:12:42] that's the best part of the whole thing gbt maybe take it to leave it but they're very look these
[00:12:49] muslims are the coming year they don't like them and i love them i love them frankly but they hate
[00:12:53] them matt good um yeah i was there i went up to chalcy it's actually not even really chalcy it's
[00:13:02] like 23rd street right by madison square park so okay it's just like a hub yeah you know what the
[00:13:11] fuck did they say that it was yeah it was a bomb yeah it was a bomb went off and then the
[00:13:16] last year i was like uh de Blasio was like oh it's not terrorism it's certainly not terrorism
[00:13:22] but like he meant to say it's not muslims and then he just accidentally said terrorism and
[00:13:27] muslims are synonymous right right or whatever uh who was it was it you guys it was muslim i mean
[00:13:34] let's be honest we're not a fucking we're not the news we're regular people we can just say it's
[00:13:42] muslims and if in this slim chance that it's not like czechians yeah they're still muslims are they
[00:13:50] yeah dude they're the worst people in the entire world they're russian and muslim that's a terrible
[00:13:54] combo yeah so yeah imagine muslims already scary but then they also know you know russian karate
[00:14:02] right right which involves bears or something yeah they're like muslims that are into mma yeah yeah
[00:14:08] bodybuilding and shit yeah they really are all the fucking like every type of like white ethnic uh uh
[00:14:16] like uh like self um the the stereotypes that like they love to identify with like well you know
[00:14:23] i'm Italian so i love the fight and i love the drink yeah it's like now you're a fucking
[00:14:28] account and you're a pussy yeah you know um i hate that every every ethnicity says food is their
[00:14:34] thing yeah well the the czechians really are like they're just pieces of shit yeah they're like
[00:14:42] uh just trying to fucking kill russia right or whatever right well they've been holocausted
[00:14:48] oh damn well yeah russia kills them russia fucked them up they haven't installed russian leader who
[00:14:52] isn't necessarily like that easy to tame he's like kind of a nut job he's got a great instagram
[00:15:00] account really yeah yeah no other side ralph what's his name yeah catarov catarov there's like uh
[00:15:08] he loves like tap at tap out mma style like t-shirts like you know like i love that all those guys know
[00:15:15] each other so like the cataroval show up on like clock oves instagram and then another guy dennis
[00:15:20] cyplainkov who's the arm wrestler do you know him he's the fucking best of all of them because
[00:15:26] he's like a bodybuilder but he like made you know became famous for arm wrestling so he's got these
[00:15:32] like ridiculous hand there's a picture of his hand next to his like wife's hand and his thumb is
[00:15:37] like the width of a soda can he's like fucking elephant hias his hand and he looks like an ogre
[00:15:47] yeah i don't fucking i i've no nothing about that yeah but i mean back to his point yeah that's
[00:15:54] that's who did it that's it's probably connected to the thing in new jersey yeah oh yeah yeah of course
[00:16:01] uh or maybe it's like it wasn't good like or led to like someone that's not connected but yeah but
[00:16:07] they're still mawesome they're still mawesome but not really because his dad's you know voting for
[00:16:13] hillary clinton his daddy is showing up at hillary clinton his dad is basically hillary clinton's like
[00:16:19] chief like advisor to the muslim community yeah yeah yeah yeah
[00:16:25] she hired him i don't know there's really no information that's like the scariest part of all
[00:16:29] that it's like a bomb goes off in the middle of manhattan and uh people are like what do we know
[00:16:34] so far and the fbi is like fuck dude nothing yeah this feels like especially no information
[00:16:41] is right didn't like the hbo hit series the night of teach us that there's cctv like all over
[00:16:48] manhattan yeah isn't that the but that guy box from the show isn't real oh that's true yeah
[00:16:54] yeah detective pussy yeah it's all it's all like detective gash detective cunt yeah it's all like
[00:17:01] 32 year old fbi agents that think they're jack bower yeah yeah it's true enhance i they arrested a
[00:17:08] couple of people underneath the verin's honor bridge i think last night oh really yeah what were
[00:17:13] they doing down there i don't know being in each other probably oh god yeah talking about soccer
[00:17:19] with uh other guys at the bodega and they're like let's crack some skulls
[00:17:27] let's go back i don't know the best was like i mean the worst case scenario is bad that they
[00:17:33] don't have any information but the worst case scenario is like what happened with boston where
[00:17:38] forch it or no sorry reddit reddit was like we're on the case and then they fucking blamed it on
[00:17:45] that kid that was dead he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he
[00:17:50] had a lot of different people he had that got the signal uh tripathy or whatever the same was uh
[00:17:55] working reddit yeah they're like this is the guy that did it and then it turns out he killed himself
[00:18:03] family who didn't that have heard from him three days didn't that happen in dallas but it wasn't
[00:18:07] reddit they like just post the picture the wrong guy oh yeah that guy with the assault rifle and
[00:18:12] then the dallas police department kept his fucking picture up for like 48 hours after they determined
[00:18:17] he wasn't a suspect yeah he's getting harassed he had a gun right oh yeah he's getting death threats
[00:18:23] he had it yeah he had an assault rifle he had a fully automatic uh 50 cal a k of ar 15 60 a k
[00:18:31] ar ar m 16 it's a full it's uh double clip full it's a flamethrower and all the bullets are
[00:18:38] hollow tip which means uh they have the hiv virus programmed into them and not the kind the gay
[00:18:46] people like okay this is uh this is the hiv from uh who's that little boy in the 90s that had oh
[00:18:53] fuck uh the one that elton john wrote a song about yeah uh i was confused i always confused him and
[00:18:59] adam wallsh who is uh john wallsh's son and the reason the reason john wallsh got that tv show
[00:19:07] because his son was like murdered and decapitated and then he became a celebrity he really yeah
[00:19:12] yeah that's what he wanted to find bad guys he was some dipshit from he was like a real estate
[00:19:18] agent in florida who's son was murdered now he's like a tough guy he like he carries himself
[00:19:23] like he's a cop is he still around no he went away right yeah he went away good yep america's
[00:19:29] most wanted i think one option here or something that was i mean that show was so weird it was just
[00:19:34] like here's some crimes and here's like a very very very shitty little play yeah about the crime
[00:19:41] yeah and it's tom miers play literally these guys like tom miers like what yeah you don't even see
[00:19:49] anybody's faces it's all like i used to love that show i used to love that i used to love world's
[00:19:53] wildest police chases with sheriff john bennell world's dumbest criminals yeah yeah i'm sheriff
[00:20:00] john bennell i can't just get glasses so i have to squint all the time what about when they gave
[00:20:06] uh the security guard from jerry sprigger just as oh steve wilko that was the very talked about that
[00:20:11] on the podcast did we all right you know i'm sorry i think i talked about it on race wars we just talk
[00:20:15] about that show all the time uh see the little co-show steve wilko show is the best of any daytime
[00:20:20] talk show there's gonna be a guy that comes on and he's like i write my daughter in her mouth and
[00:20:26] nobody can stop him as he woke up it's like you're a bad father and the whole like crowd applauds
[00:20:32] or whatever and then he kicks him off the show he kicks the guy off the show but he knew before
[00:20:36] he had been he was raping his daughter yeah yeah it's not like any new information and steve had a
[00:20:41] movie to do on like a couple episodes where he'd pick up one of the chairs on the set throw it yeah
[00:20:46] he would do that a lot and then it would stick in the back wall and the chair the leg of the chair
[00:20:51] would smash he would just destroy the set with the caracondry fashion and then people would cheer for
[00:20:56] him destroying the set have you been watching that shit airconjuring this season it's great i don't
[00:21:01] watch anything i actually just been working my way through all the segull movies yeah you're
[00:21:07] saying yeah it's pretty good what are you on now uh i don't know yeah i don't know whatever
[00:21:15] snacks whatever i downloaded i'm fucking watching next i watched x-men the one with fucking apokolips
[00:21:21] or whatever the fuck was it good oh yeah it was like all right it was just like fucking whatever
[00:21:26] what's his deal he's a muslim uh mutant from the future he's a jib from the past yeah all the
[00:21:32] power most powerful mutants are muslims which uh no they're jews magneto's a Jew yeah but he's not
[00:21:39] the most powerful he's not no no he's not he's all the all the all the most powerful ones are like
[00:21:44] from a million years ago in their muslims oh i thought they're egyptian uh i guess i don't know
[00:21:50] the four horsemen isn't that the it's like uh yeah apocalypse is bros yeah yeah yeah but yeah
[00:21:57] they're all like apokolips his real name is like alec kartarek calam he had these awesome deep-ass
[00:22:09] yeah he talked like james old ray james are away that's the guy who killed marluth again
[00:22:15] yeah it is jones james old jones james are raised the guy that killed james old jones yep that's true
[00:22:21] james old jones was assassinated by marluth array
[00:22:26] if your name was marluth array you pretty much have to kill james old jones
[00:22:31] it's your destiny in life he's like no so james are all james are array is like the walluigi to james
[00:22:38] are all jones it's some fucking award ceremony they he won yeah anyone and they introduced
[00:22:50] james are all right no i swear to god yeah it was fuck i mean at the source awards yeah
[00:22:57] somebody did a good bit i mean that is a good fucking huesp it that's a good bit uh
[00:23:02] uh hilarious yeah i use asking for it yeah the name like that change your name absolutely
[00:23:10] hey i'm the great uh great uh black uh theatrical uh you know um mainstay and my name is uh uh uh
[00:23:19] eight-off hit man it's a little bit different he had a career how old is that fucking guy
[00:23:28] james are all jones he's old as shit dude he's old as hell yeah he's probably acting he's probably
[00:23:32] like 92 years old he's probably he's been around since the 50s because his dad was an actor oh really
[00:23:38] yeah like richard jones or some shit you know his dad what was this not his dad was on something
[00:23:43] oh uh it was um uh the jefferson's he was yeah his dad was uh bill cjosby
[00:23:51] yeah didn't he say he's blind recently no he was blind in the sandlot no no no
[00:24:00] cause bill cjosby i thought you met james are all jones
[00:24:05] as you're confusing him with his character from sandlot he apparently his lawyers are saying
[00:24:11] you can't you can't go to jail because he's blind yeah um that's the rule folks it's
[00:24:17] you commit any crime in your blind uh they're not allowed to send you to jail you poke your
[00:24:22] eyes out you're out yeah so we could do some cool shit some cool fun shit
[00:24:27] that what if there is a blind guy that just downloaded a bunch of child pornography
[00:24:31] and then his defense was like i can't see it yeah i just like downloading it
[00:24:37] it's all numbers to me what do you yeah what are you just listening to eat it
[00:24:42] a little suggestion yeah but what if it's pictures he's like this has no use to me
[00:24:49] there's really no reason to put me in jail and they're like why did you do it and he's like because
[00:24:58] oh offices welcome to my new trowleys mustache
[00:25:05] they just beat him up and taken me jail anyway like this is not a perfect crime at all
[00:25:09] you downloaded you blind idiot he's got like braille drawings of little kids getting sucked off
[00:25:16] that he's like running his fingers over yeah
[00:25:22] gosh wow pedophilia pretty fun stuff pretty funny well um that's the kind of content people
[00:25:30] check in for us this is the after dark this is the after dark because anybody special
[00:25:35] so i thought i both didn't sleep much last night no i don't know how your weekend was
[00:25:42] i didn't do shit i mean i went to japan obviously yeah you went to japan checked out
[00:25:47] uh gone i learned japanese actually oh i was there she go to the uh
[00:25:54] uh god's hula museum uh gozura gozura you know what i love about um so all the video game
[00:26:01] character names in the u.s they named them for u.s markets for whatever reason you know so the
[00:26:09] japanese version like you know mario in japan isn't like you know uh hiro you know he's there like
[00:26:17] you know to tenok or whatever he's fucking i think he's probably mario no it's like uh super
[00:26:23] mario it's like this fucked up like japanese version yeah okay of them not yeah like saunik
[00:26:31] the hedgehog is like a saunikur is a hedgehogu why is it so easy to learn japanese
[00:27:02] what the fuck is going on mazuma wrestling japan does a lot of weird shit but that's got to
[00:27:07] be the weirdest it sumo wrestling just to yeah why was that their sport that they landed on
[00:27:13] at any time event like a lot of man mother fuckers beating the fuck out of each other i think
[00:27:19] they invented a lot of men coming on someone at one time that's kind of maybe weird
[00:27:24] who cook you no that's a recent invention since the importation of uh porn we brought
[00:27:31] porn over there after world war two to make up for the atomic bomb yeah what's with the blurb they
[00:27:35] weren't even he reaches right jonas i don't know they're insane they're crazy yeah i really don't
[00:27:41] understand that were they like censor the piss coming out of the dick it's like the pornographic
[00:27:46] equivalent of censoring the middle finger yeah not like the news i love like you like don't know
[00:27:51] what's happening i don't know my god that's you know there's a probably a very good libertarian
[00:27:56] argument against uh all that shit it's probably because some weird regulation they could sidestep
[00:28:01] it by just blurring that shit right right that way they can put it on after saturday morning cartoons
[00:28:07] yeah did i oh did we have a talk about it the game show where it was this was on japanese television
[00:28:13] where was a straight porn star and a gay porn star and the straight guy the game was if the gay
[00:28:23] guy could make the straight guy come by sucking his dick on television like they put it they put
[00:28:29] it he was in a little box and the gay guy got on his knees and you couldn't see him sucking dick
[00:28:34] but you just like it would cut to the straight guy making like pained faces like oh oh i play
[00:28:41] that game all the time this is on dude it was like on television there's people in the audience
[00:28:47] like clapping watching the guy suck his dick and the the gay guy would like pop out and like wink
[00:28:52] at the audience and i'm like in the game show where one of the games was like they put all the
[00:28:57] contestants in a room and then they it's like a classroom and they have like a retarded guy
[00:29:01] that's trying to read and if they laugh at him they're like like brand new like leave to these
[00:29:07] people like i'm out of that game right away i don't like
[00:29:11] and they're like fucking dying laughing at him and i just lose the money
[00:29:27] how about the revenue could you not laugh if a a japanese retarded guy was reading
[00:29:35] yes china read the video the lr thing must be tough with the words retard and leotard yeah
[00:29:43] i really want to make a video of like a guy with down syndrome with his family and they're at a
[00:29:47] restaurant he's like struggling to read the menu out loud and like they're all like come on come on
[00:29:52] come on you can do it you know yeah and then uh he's like struggling to do it but then it just cuts
[00:29:57] to jim from the office staring at the camera rolling his eyes yeah
[00:30:12] because that's really all that show is is jim laughing at his retarded co-worker and then we're
[00:30:18] supposed to be like he's so charming no i know that is bullying Dwight and he's trying to earn a
[00:30:23] living fucking the guy clearly has fucking he's clearly autistic yeah he's just bullying his
[00:30:29] autistic co-worker like he's putting like his shit in jello right trying to destroy his friend pams
[00:30:36] marriage yeah yeah jim really is a fucking sociopath yeah and then he just stays at that job he
[00:30:44] never makes anything of himself yeah he really has no driver or a fucking loser also is scran
[00:30:49] in the lee high valley i drove through scran today yes it is or shouldn't they be all like
[00:30:54] to pennsylvania is sort of trash no one on that show is yeah it's surprisingly close to new york
[00:30:59] city scran yeah it's like an hour and a half to the lee high valley isn't that far away yeah
[00:31:04] that's a weird area it's really strange yeah we stopped there we went to a big k that a big k
[00:31:12] across the street from a walmart superstore so we were really out there um if we got any lee
[00:31:18] high valley fans out there please go out in your town smash some windows at local businesses
[00:31:24] right come town rules uh fucking right jim's a faggot all of just everywhere yeah please destroy
[00:31:38] i love that dude one of our fangees are fucking just causing civil unrest and they're
[00:31:44] talking there's a a fucking fire and he's in pennsylvania it burns down all around they told me to do it
[00:31:52] i was just doing what they said on a podcast
[00:31:58] uh fuck i would love to have like those fucking hearings we go in like twisted sister or whatever
[00:32:04] about like being uh yeah it's like the youth like it was just like tipper gore yeah you can't
[00:32:10] censor podcasts yeah it's our censor it's art what we do is art yeah we're twisted sister and we're
[00:32:18] singing some of the most twisted lyrics like about not going to take it yeah not taking it in
[00:32:23] yeah the most dangerous lyrics remember that james van sky no that story the kid that fucking
[00:32:31] put a shotgun under his chin because uh aussie right was not uh priest oh priest that's right
[00:32:37] yeah what a bad band to die for well to die for maybe but you just priest fucking rules
[00:32:45] rob halfer dude yeah priest he's hilarious i think we've talked about that already
[00:32:50] well i think he's gay as hell yeah like all metals like he's just gay as shit yeah yeah
[00:32:55] you take a man and put him inside your body people are like yeah it probably means like with a sword
[00:33:01] yeah that's just good fucking badass just dude you guys have seen heavy metal parking lot obviously
[00:33:10] right yeah yeah it's just like maryland trash that are just like it's like filmed at mary weather
[00:33:15] post-bivillian oh really in the parking lot of a of a pre-show yeah in the 80s yeah it's just some
[00:33:21] of the best maryland accents yeah out there yeah yeah there's this girl she's like i'm from glenn
[00:33:27] bernie and uh they're like what would you do if rob halfer is here right now she's like i probably
[00:33:32] jump his bones yeah i jump his bones yeah that's a that's a big one also this dude was like a terrible
[00:33:38] mullet like peach fuzz mustache is like with his girlfriend and uh they start making out then he
[00:33:45] looks at the camera he's like i'm going to the army next week i'm 18 years old and she's like i'm 13
[00:33:50] holy shit that's incredible i jump his back
[00:34:05] hell yeah dude he means like brothers in arms that's what he means
[00:34:09] and then i found out i was HIV positive that means like hell and ferno fucking virus
[00:34:19] yeah but that means like something badass what he's talking about you have to understand the
[00:34:25] nuance of metal lyrics this here makes you think that's why i like metal instead of punk rock
[00:34:31] you know yeah the layers yeah layers because it's about being pissed off but instead of
[00:34:35] hating your dad you get along with them and work on the car together that's like that's what
[00:34:40] metal is about dude i my fucking dude my cousin in greese listen to the fucking corniest metal
[00:34:48] bands because greese i guess there's just no higher like you just listen all of it he listens
[00:34:53] to fucking band called hello ween it was like yeah yeah yeah it was just all ween help on it was
[00:35:02] just fucking brutal iced earth was another one i don't know what that even meant one time i was
[00:35:08] when i was abroad there's this russian dude that came up to me on a bus and he's like um now tell
[00:35:14] me something if a question for you and i was like okay it's like are you a metalist and i was like
[00:35:22] a metalist a mentalist he's like that's why i thought at first i was like a mentalist he's like a
[00:35:27] metalist do you like a black sebath iron maiden rob zombie yeah i was like how do i like metal
[00:35:37] this is like all metalists are you are you a metalist i'm gonna uh rob zombie
[00:35:43] zombie my dad told me this story about uh flying flying back from uh we were talking about how
[00:35:49] australians are racist and how it's like yeah sort of jarring because you like oh no only americans are
[00:35:55] racist we're terrible people right right he was flying back from australia and on the plane next
[00:36:01] home was an australian god no sorry he was flying to australia and there was an australian guy flying
[00:36:06] back to australia sitting next to him he's like yeah just uh hey they're holy die here in the states
[00:36:14] he gained the australia you know and he's like yeah haven't been before he's like really excited
[00:36:19] yeah this is my first term in america and then um and i was like oh cool do you like it and he's like
[00:36:26] well i'll tell you got a lot of niggas in american and she's like you're on the plane
[00:36:34] he's like can i move can i move seats there are so many australians in new york city because
[00:36:40] apparently what happened was because they supported george bush in like the war on terror
[00:36:45] they got like this visa deal where they could like young australians could like travel here and like
[00:36:51] get visas pretty easily for like a year or whatever and so the other day i was on the train it was
[00:36:57] like i was going to work it was like 930 there were these two australian girls that looked like
[00:37:02] shit and one of them was like yeah like i took i took heaps heaps of molly lost on heaps of molly
[00:37:12] i was like what i loved watching the olympics and just saying pretend to be a racist australian
[00:37:18] and doing commentary about what the hell is that like the basketball teams playing each other
[00:37:24] uh it was like hey look at these these bed beans these grabbing all the rebounds
[00:37:30] they actually big monkey hands where are you gonna compete with it
[00:37:35] yeah they're great they got face twitch muscle yeah yeah you got an extreme muscle don't die
[00:37:45] i would love to fuck an australian woman uh why because she's a woman so she
[00:37:50] yeah you got you afterwards i want to hear that dumb voice uh i got head in a field
[00:37:56] this weekend that's what i'm talking sounds like a terence malach movie yeah it was pretty funny
[00:38:00] yeah i just didn't have i was splitting a hotel room with bobby bobby kelly i was on the road
[00:38:05] in vermont with and i didn't have anywhere to just uh fuck this girl from tinder so we just
[00:38:11] so you committed the crime from a time to kill yeah exactly yeah
[00:38:18] we were just fucking picked a grancy ass nold by a late math you chapped yeah it was by the
[00:38:23] chaper oh my god it uh it was great dude i loved um out of field huh out in the middle of field
[00:38:33] people walking um it's by a lake i'm on all fours eating pussy there's like wind blowing in my ass
[00:38:41] just whistling in wait you were completely nude eating pussy in a field my dick was at my
[00:38:46] my boxes were out so yeah i just kind of had such a hilarious mental image
[00:38:51] just wind blowing it in the ass i'm not sure like eating pussy just on a nature walk
[00:38:56] the your hand and you're like yeah we should we should walk outside more is it oh my god
[00:39:04] we are never going outside again if you want to know what it looks like listeners
[00:39:10] for stop to be naked in a field with wind blowing into his asshole on all fours you can go to at
[00:39:17] stavey baby on instagram and put a nice pic of my ass my my ass looking real good on a ladder
[00:39:27] at stavey baby uh but yeah it was really it was really it was wild so was this girl australia
[00:39:33] or no just uh just for vermont i had a sex with yeah from vermont a real waltzing Matilda they
[00:39:39] call is that what they're called that's their national anthem because i thought it was just like
[00:39:43] a song that they like in australia yeah maybe i'm wrong maybe it's not
[00:39:48] watching with tilde i know they love that song
[00:39:53] that's not the national anthem it's true do you know the national anthem of boston is sweet carolina
[00:39:59] by mr. Neil diamond i told evan williams that the caroline scomney club was a
[00:40:04] Neil diamond themed copy and that's why there's like diamonds behind the stage and he was like
[00:40:10] shut up dude really it's like yeah man he's like all right and he like believed me
[00:40:20] and i told him i was kidding he got very angry
[00:40:24] it is weird people believe a dumb troll oh yeah when i was like 20 i had on my facebook page it said
[00:40:30] i was like a like a widower and there's these two dumb ass girls this girl eva she was like uh
[00:40:38] hey do you mind if i like just i might have just asked you what happened and you know i mean i'm
[00:40:45] gonna fucking idiot now of course me a 20 like i mean i'm trying to compare myself to then as if
[00:40:53] really anything's changed but like you know the basketball shorts and i'm pretty sure i used to
[00:40:57] just shave my head and i had a dollar sign you're literally wearing basketball shorts right i had a
[00:41:02] i had a dollar sign shaved into the back of my head oh yeah and what so you're cooler why i just
[00:41:09] do shit like that while i was drunk yeah you know uh fucking just drunk constantly and uh so i'm
[00:41:18] sitting there and she's like uh like you know with your wife that died and i was like oh yeah my wife
[00:41:26] uh who died uh yeah her name was uh skyla skyla dust and she was stung to death by bees and she was
[00:41:37] like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm like yep uh can't be around bees anymore and i told her and this other
[00:41:46] girl and they both believe me and then fucking cubus was like you believe that shit you fucking
[00:41:51] idiot yeah and then she was like why did you lie to me it's like as you believed it that's my fault
[00:41:56] it was fun if you believe something like that when you first moved to Baltimore remember you
[00:42:01] pretended you had a son oh yeah yeah that was just like a facebook joke right and then a bunch of
[00:42:07] people took it seriously i told people i had a son yeah i was a guy's an all-dough thing all-dough
[00:42:12] thing maulin yeah i feel like that that kid sort of became nicole maulin's kid yeah sort of it's
[00:42:19] funny to have like a kid that you don't take care of and then the best part when he died
[00:42:23] when he linked it what was that fucking song all right yeah all right all-roppy we just healed the club
[00:42:32] my son my baby boy you fucking wrote this like two paragraph thing about your sundown
[00:42:39] all right all right all right people are giving you this is your regret like sorrow like
[00:42:46] like fucking apologetic messages with the word of my like heart it was so funny but that was before
[00:42:52] it was before i had a big internet presence so like people didn't know yeah half my facebook
[00:42:57] friends were like people didn't fucking know me i remember people to open mics would be like
[00:43:01] god it's terrible what happened to the sun you know him in person you know he doesn't have a
[00:43:08] fucking son he's drunk always he's fucking drunk driving every night the apartment
[00:43:16] we are going to the fucking mccore raped clown you think he's got a child somewhere
[00:43:23] i said i said he died in a beer fire there's no investigation
[00:43:31] yeah yeah tyson tomm iris when i went to go to that album recording of his oh yes uh i saw him and
[00:43:37] he was like you know eating his free meal and he's like oh congratulations on your son by the way
[00:43:42] i was like thanks Tom appreciate it uh fun it be his godfather that would be awesome old old
[00:43:52] tommy tommy two mice fuck tommy erm erm i i need to i need to i need to update on tom iris i gotta
[00:44:01] go back to baltimore yeah dude i emailed him i was like well you do my podcast i promise i won't make
[00:44:05] fun of you didn't say i didn't respond i'll ask him yeah i get asked him to i'll ask him i won't
[00:44:12] tell him it's your podcast yeah of course i would never he'd probably do it if i don't know why he's
[00:44:16] fucking mad at me i'd be like i didn't make fun of him any more than anyone else did
[00:44:22] he literally does not know that everyone makes fun of him like he does there's no way he's like
[00:44:28] like he's like mr. Magoo but for opinions oh of course yeah my favorite tommyer's
[00:44:37] moment is he's just we're at ej's landing hell yes he's doing some bit about like how the
[00:44:42] aureal suck and these two guys are like yeah you want to get out of here they're just like casually
[00:44:47] take off he's like oh yeah you can't take it huh he's like walking out dude like how about
[00:44:54] side yeah and he's like oh you can't criticize a price team i understand that well you're just
[00:45:02] fucking cowards or whatever and then outside we were like later that night we were talking about
[00:45:06] joke theft which which i feel like if you started comedy in 2000 like five 2006 that's all you
[00:45:11] cared about the first six months and i do remember for some reason starting out and being
[00:45:15] fucking hacked terrified you know i hate is hacks hacks are the fucking that i'm going up
[00:45:21] it's like what if you like finger to baby you know exactly i had a joke i was afraid people was
[00:45:28] steal my shit and one of my jokes was like uh i knew i was getting fed when i started having
[00:45:33] trouble wiping my own ass and then i was like yeah uh a couple months ago maybe i wasn't in the
[00:45:39] best shape but my asshole was an incredible was incredibly clean that was the joke yeah that was
[00:45:45] like my big that was like yeah that was like a big it was it was a tent pole in the middle of it
[00:45:51] oh okay god that was so dude i have a fucking from ej's landing i have a hilarious tom mires thing
[00:45:57] i was in a contest there there's just this terrible seafood restaurant where erwin we haven't
[00:46:02] talked about erwin at all oh my god who is a fucking gold mine that's gonna be the next half of the
[00:46:06] podcast that should be but yeah so he's it was you know it's just terrible seafood restaurant
[00:46:11] they was an open mic and they would run contests are you good to talk for a second if i go get a
[00:46:15] coffee yeah sure um nay you pour me like two sips so i fucking so uh i'm in this contest and
[00:46:26] tom mires on it too and my little brothers come to see me and my little brother nick just does an
[00:46:32] incredible black eye impression like he just does he has like every register of black guy like he
[00:46:37] can do he does a great james brown he does just like a great like what you know what and so tom
[00:46:44] mire i go up and whatever and okay said it's my i'm six months in the comedy or whatever right
[00:46:49] then tom mires goes up and he's just doing like jokes about vietnam like he's doing jokes for like
[00:46:57] charlie in the trees and just like the classic tom mires bits uh and my little brother starts
[00:47:03] going like oh hell no just like he has a black guy he just starts coming like mmm no no thank you
[00:47:11] just like just heckling him as a black person for some reason i guess probably being racist
[00:47:17] uh but just like in tom is like a little flustered and to the point where i have to tell him please
[00:47:22] nick you gotta stop doing this like someone's gonna come see and it's gonna be like i brought
[00:47:27] the guy heckling you know anyway so that so we do this fucking uh um so that so we do the the
[00:47:35] contest is over tom bombs because my brother is heckling him as a black person and again he's got
[00:47:42] his jokes or whatever so then i go up to him just like kind of making small talk and i'm like oh
[00:47:46] tom this was uh i'm like oh yeah there's kind of you know whatever the crowd stuff and he's like dude
[00:47:52] these fucking urban crowds you smart material just talk about your brother these urban with urban
[00:47:58] crowds smart material goes right over their heads oh this is my brother doing a black guy for his
[00:48:04] heckling him it wasn't that any black it wasn't like black people didn't get his fucking Vietnam
[00:48:10] jokes it's like warmed over bill hick shit it wasn't even like urban crowds there wasn't there was
[00:48:17] no black people there it was my brother doing a black guy voice and that's how racist he was
[00:48:21] that he couldn't even just admit he was bombing it was a 16 year old white child
[00:48:27] yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well uh of course yeah so tom that night he fucking we were outside
[00:48:35] talking about joke death and he goes uh yeah it's luckily i don't have to worry about that because
[00:48:40] no one will touch my material with a 10-foot pole and he says it with this like no one has the courage
[00:48:46] right right to do his right right to do his Kennedy stuff
[00:48:50] which said tom you're born in 1983 yeah what do you give a shit about it no he was born in like
[00:48:58] he's no he's not that much older than i was 17 tom was like 24
[00:49:08] i don't know so he's got a very 34 now i think you might be maybe a scones younger but i don't know
[00:49:14] okay i'm i'm 21 now i'm 20 i'm 20 years old yeah i'm 19 and a half so we're all 17 year old guys
[00:49:23] just young comics we're at least the highest teams we're ever gonna oh yeah i don't think they
[00:49:27] know we're all 17 we're all 17 we're all 17 we're all 17 yeah we're all 17 yeah we're all 17
[00:49:32] love fucking right now we come immediately oh god and i can't get enough i'm never not coming i'm always
[00:49:38] secreting a little bit of jizz yeah every second of the day yeah that's how dogs fuck you know that
[00:49:42] i do not dogs don't bust they just they're leaking constantly yeah yeah really yeah i love it
[00:49:50] you ever see a turtles dick no it opens up the whole front end it opens up like a like a venous
[00:49:57] flight trip it's disgusting yeah yeah as it tastes have you seen an elephant stick before um no
[00:50:04] they their penises are prehensile yeah dolphins too yeah so they can move in like they're like
[00:50:10] trunks they can move in like different directions have a dig that doesn't have an elephant jerk off
[00:50:14] but they obviously don't have hands so they just they flake their dicks or stomach yeah into their
[00:50:19] stomachs until they blast yeah i'm be my friend max where looky at videos with elephants having
[00:50:27] sex on jackass the j or the j- maybe it was wild boys or actually i think it was jackass too
[00:50:32] where they just drink a horse's combo yeah yeah it's like man that's not it's not a prank
[00:50:38] yeah oh half of it isn't well there was also the one thing where they just
[00:50:42] bam like got a gold dildo rammed up his ass really fast it was like that just gay porn
[00:50:50] that's not even that's a specific kind of gay porn that's so low gay porn i love jackass man
[00:50:57] oh yeah of course yeah it's so funny i will never laugh at anything in as authentic away as i laugh
[00:51:04] at jackass those guys are so cool yeah they're the coolest guys they're like us if you know we were
[00:51:09] less um intellectual gooted talking yeah saying shit and fucking and knowing politics yeah yeah
[00:51:17] yeah but we're also as brave as those guys yeah we're in a different way do you see i mean i would
[00:51:24] do any of that's uh that honestly my my main gripe with jackass is that you know it's like boring
[00:51:31] i would do all that stuff i would even think to film it because it's like yeah this is just me
[00:51:38] i do it's me being real this is a lifestyle it's not like for yeah i love her i love her i just do
[00:51:43] that shit to show girls how strong i am well yeah of course my favorite thing they're dumb and you
[00:51:48] have to prove it to them oh yeah that extreme is true well or you prove it by just putting a little
[00:51:53] mouse costume on your dick and having a snake bite that was that funny but that was so
[00:51:58] fucking with a tie they tied the string so it was like a marionette yeah that shit is so funny
[00:52:05] honestly like the way you laugh at that is oh yeah that's not the same as like seeing a good set
[00:52:12] that is like born-on-a-stand-up show it's so fucking funny it's that's where the mde
[00:52:17] issue is visceral laughter yeah it's the same thing when sam's when sam's like answering that door
[00:52:23] and they're like the thing buzz if you've got mad about they're like he's in blackface and
[00:52:26] it's like yeah and he's got gold boogers it's so funny so many american idol sketch is like i
[00:52:35] almost pissed my face i was laughing so hard it's like uh yeah wow i just hear your voice and i'm like
[00:52:42] this person's gonna make a lot of fucking money one day
[00:52:46] they make that one girl like snake for four hours she sings literally every song she knows she's
[00:52:52] like on happy birthday by the end she's just brought out of socks just like make her there's just this
[00:52:59] oh my god yeah it's i mean we've probably talked about it generally don't panic but i think there
[00:53:04] is a rat or mouse in the apartment oh nice and keep seeing a dart around what the fuck is your dumb ass
[00:53:09] cat i don't know sitting on the table dude there's a fuck go get go get it go eat that go kill eat it
[00:53:15] you fucking threw up last time bitch get go get a fucking mouse over there just fucking kill the
[00:53:21] mouse you stupid cat sucks dude this cat sucks it's not folks this cat is garbage yeah
[00:53:30] uh fuck the cat fuck this cat black cat kills amber's bringing the killing cat there you go
[00:53:38] it's over here somewhere come on yo there's a killing cat hell yes yeah oh the all white one
[00:53:45] Adam what's that cat's name white soldier the white knight alt alt white it's a Jew mouse it's
[00:53:52] the cat's name is bromel yeah the desert on us could it could be just me having like fucking
[00:54:02] weird shit going on no i think i saw something pop up yeah yeah um that's uh folks we got a mouslanic
[00:54:09] style mouse very islamified mouse and kuran kuranic he's a it's called the kuranic verses now
[00:54:23] it's poetry so you know it's gay that's thing that about the kuran that you know i tell you
[00:54:30] the best is non-military guys that say mooj
[00:54:33] i've never come across mooj yeah mooj you don't hear mooj no no what's mooj that's like moojah
[00:54:40] aden oh really yeah yeah uh the moojahadin what a great name so what what else do we got folks
[00:54:49] what movies have you guys seen i've watched all my i went to a bachelor party this weekend i watched
[00:54:55] my friends all of his favorite movies and he's like literally the most annoying person to watch
[00:55:01] movies with because he memorizes movies and then he has like factoids that he comes in with like
[00:55:08] on a schedule we watched colulis last night when he was a lulis yeah he was high on drugs
[00:55:14] one time we watched uh bad drugs then that we bought from a cab driver
[00:55:21] we were in a cab and this guy pulls into a gas station just runs out we're like we're like 11
[00:55:26] dude or like not 11 i guess 10 dudes in like a big van just sitting in a gas station park line he
[00:55:32] comes back he's like yeah i saw someone to owe me money sorry about that and we're like uh anyway
[00:55:37] do you know where we can get drugs yeah taxi we were watching colulis last night when he was
[00:55:43] really really on drugs and he was just uh watching and then just going that is a 15 year old girl
[00:55:51] that is a 15 year old girl and she's about to fuck this movie is about children fucking
[00:55:57] who was 15 Alicia she looks so fucking good she's not really 15 in that movie i think she was 18
[00:56:03] which became nice i totally forgot how insane her hot terror read was oh yeah she looks like
[00:56:12] garbage i'm sure she doubt it but she was like such a level of like hot when i was like fucking 12
[00:56:20] over yeah oh yeah right side american pie oh dude the fucking the other who's the girl
[00:56:25] who plays the russian girl that he oh that's a fuck yeah yeah i beat off to that oh yeah so much
[00:56:32] Shannon Elizabeth you know how to fire aol dot the sound of like a vhs tape like boogoo
[00:56:39] really just for that just to see those titties dude over and over those titties were bob bob bob
[00:56:46] bob bers i want to i want to have these conversations but with children at bus stops
[00:56:53] like pagers on their way home after school like let me tell you american pie i used to beat off
[00:56:59] my dick every single day after school there you need to be a place called funko land i'd go there
[00:57:07] sometimes but mostly what i would do yeah just uh it will just turn into jackaland
[00:57:15] Have you boys ever heard of beating off?
[00:57:38] Shelley, Shelley, you pull down your pants.
[00:57:43] So maybe some of your mommy's lotion from the bathroom.
[00:57:46] You wrap it around your dick and you just start tugging on that thing like you're trying
[00:57:57] I think I already said this, but Elijah Dushku in the thing you guy, there's a bikini scene
[00:58:06] Like, he's going to a new school, but we want him...
[00:58:11] So we're going to turn him into a different kind of faggot.
[00:58:25] That's how they identify him at the end.
[00:58:29] And that was the initial incident that gets him so embarrassed.
[00:58:39] Because then he goes to a different school and becomes a weird goth, whatever he is.
[00:58:43] And people think he's cool, but he definitely would have gotten beaten up.
[00:58:48] I think it's because Eddie Griffin is like watching out for him or something like that.
[00:58:51] I don't remember goths in my high school.
[00:58:52] I think that like just ended right when I got there.
[00:58:56] Oh yeah, like fucking parachute pants and like...
[00:59:02] My older step sister had friends like that.
[00:59:06] I remember there was a guy that worked at the Cinnabon in Lake Forest Mall that was
[00:59:09] like full on goth with like the white eye contacts and black hair and the giant boots.
[00:59:22] It's like such a fucking bizarre thing.
[00:59:28] We didn't have goths, we just had juggalos.
[00:59:31] Juggalos are just white trash goths, I feel like.
[00:59:37] So we had all the parachute pants and all that shit, but they were all like just...
[00:59:40] Actually, there's this kid Phil in my high school is a juggler who just used to come
[00:59:43] out to me and my friend Alex and just be like,
[00:59:46] Sig Heil dude, I think Hitler was good.
[00:59:53] Like to fuck with you to be anti-Semitic.
[00:59:59] Maybe it was my friend wearing a Yomka in public school, Jesus Christ.
[01:00:09] They did a guy that brought over like an insane Clampossy movie.
[01:00:12] Like a DVD that was like filled with music videos.
[01:00:14] I forget what it was and he like put it on and I didn't know what insane Clampossy was
[01:00:19] at the time when I was like 15 or 14 or 15 or something.
[01:00:23] And he was like, yeah, this is pretty cool.
[01:00:25] I'm like, is this supposed to be ironic?
[01:00:41] Wrapping clowns with the fucking scent.
[01:00:44] Were they just shitty Detroit rappers who had to get worse?
[01:00:48] And then they found that clown gimmick in the soda.
[01:00:52] My ex-girlfriend used to like talk to this guy on AIM and he was also my friend Andrew's
[01:00:58] roommate at one point and this guy, he was a juggle out.
[01:01:02] I remember his room in their apartment.
[01:01:06] I went into his room once I was in their apartment and all he had was a fucking mattress on
[01:01:11] the floor, like four copies of High Times Magazine and then like a shitty like Sony CD
[01:01:40] We used to go over to my friends house to play GameCube and drink beer.
[01:01:55] I remember laughing so hard, my friend, once I was playing Mario Party 4 and then he's like,
[01:02:01] Like, yo, who's this stuntin' in the red with some like painting game?
[01:02:05] And he tried to get like urban and like he got upset.
[01:02:13] Yeah, he was like, who's this stuntin' in the red?
[01:02:15] And it's like we're playing Mario Party.
[01:02:25] I think it was like doors to a closet, like sliding doors.
[01:02:28] And he took off so he could just punch holes in them.
[01:02:32] And he just like, we're propped up against the wall.
[01:02:39] That means he didn't punch those holes out of anger.
[01:02:46] Yeah, no, he definitely did it out of anger.
[01:02:48] But he was like, he had like some weird...
[01:02:50] His like emotions were always up and down.
[01:02:53] He's like one of the funniest guys he used to hang out with.
[01:02:57] I remember there was one time we were driving somewhere
[01:02:59] and I started mooning people outside of the passenger side.
[01:03:03] And he thought it was so fucking funny.
[01:03:07] He had the car and he was like lining us up
[01:03:12] So my ass is like two feet away from her face.
[01:03:22] And she's trying to speed up and then he'll speed up.
[01:03:30] And we finally I sit down and she's like,
[01:03:38] But he thought it was like one thing I did one time.
[01:03:41] But then he became obsessed with mooning people.
[01:03:46] Like I don't wanna moon this guy or whatever.
[01:03:48] And then he started having time you hang out.
[01:03:50] He made me like drive him around so he could do it.
[01:03:53] And then he just like didn't give a shit.
[01:03:56] You know, we'd be stopped at a red light.
[01:03:58] And he'd be in the passenger seat and he'd be like,
[01:04:02] I'm like honking on the horn and just stick his ass directly
[01:04:06] I mean, be sitting there for like two minutes.
[01:04:13] I mean, like that's one of the dumbest,
[01:04:17] Wasn't you, you were telling me you saw that like
[01:04:22] alt comic girl that like did a bit where she was like
[01:04:26] Oh yeah, but you could sort of see her pussy.
[01:04:30] And she was like two feet away from me.
[01:04:44] This character is I show everyone by pussy.
[01:04:49] Yeah, that was one of the Lorelai girls shows.
[01:04:59] And now the listeners of, of a sea town premium,
[01:05:08] Like a fat big, like a Louis Armstrong lips.
[01:05:22] She got one of them horn playing concerts.
[01:05:34] Now I'm just like thinking back about it all the times
[01:05:36] like I fucking moon people after that one incident.
[01:05:47] he's in like some long-term relationship with this girl.
[01:05:56] You think you've already fulfilled the time requirement?
[01:05:58] I felt like this episode was pretty good,
[01:06:15] You're right, we tell them what they want to do.
[01:06:33] You're not singing about your mother's like ENTs,
[01:06:35] your nose and throat, and then there's OBGYNs.
[01:06:38] you're already spending that much in school.
[01:06:53] You gotta have pussy and asshole, I think.
[01:07:14] But we have like inducted Jonathan Pritchard.
[01:07:28] Okay, all right, but we gotta do this in profiting.
[01:07:34] So we're gynecologists and we're in your mother's pussy.
[01:07:56] This is my partner Dr. Who and he is a fellow gynecologist.
[01:08:16] So basically we've had this Frenchman sucking this woman's pussy.
[01:08:24] This is the same woman who's pussy killed Jim Morrison.
[01:08:56] You gotta say, Use the man like your blacker.
[01:08:58] Is that the third base line or is that a line of cocaine because I'm a...
[01:09:02] Call somebody a mayo-ass cracka ass white boy.
[01:09:05] In my opinion, Kurt Schilling is a mayo-ass cracka-ass white boy.
[01:09:21] Some of the voices are coming out of my pussy!
[01:09:25] Yeah, that was the end of the improv, that's the kind of shit fucking dumb piece of shit one here.
[01:09:34] Those big ass pennies you would get at the gift shop.
[01:09:41] The ones who use coasters, the dimes that are the wrong size.
[01:09:48] I did it in a girl whose fear was objects that weren't the size that they were supposed to be.
[01:09:56] Like a pencil that's like six feet tall, which she would just cry if she'd saw.
[01:10:00] Or like a dick that's like six inches or bigger.
[01:10:06] You know, a big secret about me that I don't tell anyone is they have a half moon shaped
[01:10:16] Do you shit out a little like cookie dough?
[01:10:21] I always have to like, you know, if I use a public restroom, I pick the turd up and I roll
[01:10:26] it in paper towels and I put it in the trash cans and I don't find it.
[01:10:30] I guess I could flush it, but I'm worried that it goes to a poo inspection station.
[01:10:34] They don't, they make sure no one's crapping out, you know, shapes because you get killed
[01:10:44] Um, do we got any product reviews that we were going to do?
[01:10:48] Yeah, we, um, the Dunkin Donuts croissant, saucer, jig and cheese.
[01:11:01] Um, the tater tots of fucking Dunkin Donuts.
[01:11:09] This is the best fucking tater tot I ever had.
[01:11:14] It's supposed to be like a potatoes child.
[01:11:21] I wouldn't like it if somebody ate my children.
[01:11:34] You know, as much as we bitch about like how shitty the comics are now, imagine being
[01:11:38] like a guy that wasn't a complete idiot in the fucking early 90s that had to tolerate
[01:11:42] a New York comedy scene that was filled with people doing just the worst.
[01:11:49] I do observational material and it was either them or dice clones.
[01:11:55] The only two type of comics that existed or the alt guys who were just one of them.
[01:11:59] And it's to be like, we need to start a revolution, man.
[01:12:02] Like the fucking very watchful old man videos from the early 90s.
[01:12:08] He just wants to be Lenny Bruce so bad.
[01:12:12] Like this country's falling apart, man.
[01:12:15] We need a revolution, but you know what?
[01:12:17] There is new Batman movie out in theaters.
[01:12:27] He's such a surprise that his career tanked and he had to switch to podcasting.
[01:12:41] No, she's a single single piece of glass.
[01:12:45] I feel like standups kind of ruined anymore.
[01:12:49] It's just because we're in New York and it fucking sucks here, dude.
[01:12:53] It's like hard and it's like you got a fucking.
[01:12:57] I was talking about doing a tour with Jake.
[01:13:01] Guys, if you're out there, we're starting a van fund.
[01:13:05] I'm trying to buy an E series probably an E250.
[01:13:10] Looking at the 2008 first year of the face lift.
[01:13:14] Something used, something under a 10 grand.
[01:13:18] But sub 100k miles, which is kind of hard to find, but I think I can do it.
[01:13:24] But you guys are going to have to buy it for me.
[01:13:28] Is addition in addition to the premium services, which we'll be going up to $25 a month after
[01:13:36] We gave you a taste and I feel we were way too generous and you took advantage of us.
[01:13:43] It's by letting me do an episode where we just did cocaine and one of us wasn't here.
[01:13:54] Exactly why we make ourselves available on social media to prevent me from doing things
[01:14:07] Some guy was tweeting, we should talk about this later, who cares, but nice man.
[01:14:12] I took a picture next to the Kayahoga Lake where I was this weekend.
[01:14:16] And this dude's like, I live in Kayahoga Lake.
[01:14:21] Oh, actually in Vermont, a fan game with a, he had a hat that said come town.
[01:14:32] We're going to count on you to get to get to be one of our new premium, premium subscribers
[01:14:43] For the cost of a child in Africa a day, you can sponsor the greatest podcast.
[01:14:49] Podcast revolution, baby, starter revolution.
[01:14:54] They're talking about some podcasts for two women talk about their favorite murders.
[01:15:04] We need a proud, I'm a loud type of system.
[01:15:13] And that's honestly, I mean, I think that's, that's really what people want is three white
[01:15:17] men taking the other white guys to fucking task.
[01:15:24] I know that like we like to get a risque, but for you to keep saying cracker like around
[01:15:27] me and stuff like I just don't like the one.
[01:15:39] Are there like, are there anti-cracker like activists?
[01:15:42] Guys that like really get offended by it.
[01:15:43] They hear it and they're like, Oh my word.
[01:15:55] Why are you going to do it all the time?
[01:15:57] I love when it's like, look, there's bad white people.
[01:16:00] Like as the way to use the N word, it's like, there's bad black people.
[01:16:05] Listen guys, cracker is worse than the N word and you can't change my mind.
[01:16:10] I just, my thing is like, why did they have to take the N word?
[01:16:13] You know, I mean, there's so many other slurs that I would have happily gotten rid of.
[01:16:30] It's only funny because you can't say it.
[01:16:35] I mean, you know, a lot of people will shit on you if you say like, I only want to say
[01:16:37] it because you said I can't say it, but that is real.
[01:16:41] Honestly, like imagine if there was an entire race of people that just had a big red button
[01:16:47] That's like how many children number one person.
[01:16:50] I had to walk around as like almost with like a Tourette's like inability to like I'm
[01:16:56] not going to push the button, but I'm going to be staring at that button and thinking
[01:17:00] And how funny it's going to be to to push it really hard.
[01:17:17] You got a lot of champagne colored clothes, I feel.
[01:17:21] Well, I think it's coming back a little bit, you know.
[01:17:40] I love the bits where we just say a thing in a funny voice.
[01:17:44] Like, Jerry, should we order the champagne?
[01:17:55] This is the episodes they let Jerry write, I think.
[01:18:00] Boy, well, this has been a great piece of premium content, I think.
[01:18:05] We're already 17 minutes over our contractually obligated amount of time we got to fill.
[01:18:17] I feel great about how, I don't know, that last premium one was such a fucking piece
[01:18:27] I think the next one we really have to hang out on our way.
[01:18:29] Why don't we just talk about Irwin now?
[01:18:32] I think it was a piece of shit, but the next night we have funny moms and you riffed
[01:18:37] out a couple jokes from that terrible podcast that ended up being funny on the state.
[01:18:43] The only thing that was funny was that Bitt I've been doing for like nine years.
[01:18:49] You fucking self-hating, self-dounding piece of shit.
[01:18:52] This coffee tastes like, uh, come wood.
[01:18:58] Yeah, it's got like a smoky woody flame.
[01:19:03] We do, uh, we do coffee reviews on here.
[01:19:21] We had, uh, we had a holiday in New Orleans.
[01:19:28] Man, I fucking missed going down there.
[01:19:29] If we got any come town fans, it down there in New Orleans, it'd want the combo.
[01:19:36] We need probably about $600 each for plain tech.
[01:19:38] We could probably, they get on festivals like that as the come boys, right?
[01:19:44] I'm not doing it anymore because it started charging comics.
[01:19:47] I don't have many principles, but that's one of them.
[01:19:49] I'm not going to do a festival if they charge comedians.
[01:19:53] But if they want us to do our podcast, we'll pay just $400.
[01:19:57] No, we just book something outside of that.
[01:19:59] Look, if you're a come town fan, you're in New Orleans, go to venues.
[01:20:04] We're already breaking down and raising come dollars.
[01:20:13] I don't care where you get it, but get it.
[01:20:17] I am not performing without a six pack of surge.
[01:20:40] Yeah, probably because of PlayStation 2.
[01:20:44] Yeah, it was kind of in the weird middle ground.
[01:20:45] PlayStation 2 was the best console ever.
[01:20:51] I don't want to get, when the fuck are we going to get PS4s, man?
[01:20:59] Peter Phil, get your bitch ass into Sony and you tell them, get the, okay, we got to