Cum Town | Premium | 09/13/2020
[00:00:00] The levels might be up and down on this one.
[00:00:09] We're teaching Stav how to use the board.
[00:00:14] I'm gonna quit the podcast and become a
[00:00:27] I'm gonna become like a community college guy
[00:00:30] going and taking classes and learning about
[00:00:42] There was a fat older man with a blonde beard
[00:00:45] that was in all my history, like 100 classes.
[00:00:48] When I was at the University of Maryland,
[00:00:59] He was in the fucking like Western Civ.
[00:01:17] but I've gained a lot of respect for Trump
[00:01:20] for so openly disrespecting the troops.
[00:01:31] University acknowledged that the only good war
[00:01:35] So, all of the troops that he's supposedly,
[00:01:43] They all killed themselves and Trump was elected.
[00:01:51] The only ones that he could possibly insult
[00:02:02] Desert Storm where we go to every Cinebon
[00:02:14] Especially that is on the Jersey turnpike.
[00:02:22] I mean, it's like having a bar at the Claire Barton.
[00:02:26] I mean, literally like souvenirs and liquor.
[00:02:31] And you can run up the fucking tab on your body real quick
[00:02:41] Well, it's a beautiful day here in Astoria, Queens.
[00:03:03] but there's nothing you can do about it.
[00:03:07] You know that it's a little trick you're playing on yourself.
[00:03:14] and then you see a guy that just kind of lives his life
[00:03:17] You're like, how come that guy, you know,
[00:03:21] He enjoys his life and then you talk to him.
[00:03:23] He's like, I'm a professor of neurobiology.
[00:03:26] He's like, oh no, he's much smarter than me.
[00:03:35] They get to just go through life, not worrying about everything.
[00:03:38] They're not smart enough to be depressed.
[00:03:48] you just hit intelligence, all the intelligence you're gonna get.
[00:04:00] The way I didn't grow, I haven't grown physically.
[00:04:10] You're bumping yourself to five, nine now?
[00:04:13] Just think that, cause it's, yeah, believe,
[00:04:41] I'm really thinking about bleaching my hair blonde.
[00:04:46] But I'm afraid it's gonna be like stupid overload.
[00:04:50] Yeah, you gotta work your way up to that.
[00:04:54] we didn't provide an update yesterday on the pod.
[00:05:00] Well, we're recording this out of order,
[00:05:04] I don't have a tooth yet, but the tooth is coming.
[00:05:07] When the tooth comes, I have to do a bunch of other shit
[00:05:09] to maintain as, to look as stupid as a guy.
[00:05:13] so I gotta, I think I'm gonna get an earring.
[00:05:16] I think I'm gonna bleach blonde my hair.
[00:05:18] It's always weird doing the podcast here,
[00:05:21] because it's like, this is where the first one was done.
[00:05:26] They're all like doing the podcast here.
[00:05:38] but I remember riding my bike back home.
[00:06:03] Dude, we could charge the most like dead-eyed people
[00:06:05] of all time, like money to go look at that room.
[00:06:09] We go look at the space that we came up with
[00:06:40] He's got just enough air in one nostril coming in
[00:06:43] and he's got a little food tube going into his throat.
[00:06:54] and Lewis opens up the gas digital podcasting museum.
[00:06:58] The Elders is gonna be in the fucking glass.
[00:07:03] Maybe it's time to move to Jersey, dude.
[00:07:11] Unless you get like, if you get enough land
[00:07:19] Yeah, you just like, you throw some apples on your lawn.
[00:07:29] You get like, I just have a black friend come over
[00:07:46] This is going to save me $60,000 a year.
[00:07:59] He's on the island of Naxas if anybody wants to go visit
[00:08:05] Did I tell the story about when we went?
[00:08:08] Me and George went to Greece and he was showing us pictures
[00:08:18] And it's just like a far away picture of two girls
[00:08:26] He's got like five pictures of these women's breasts.
[00:08:32] He's fucking little fucking flip phone with a horrible care.
[00:08:40] There was this guy that would like do comedy in Austin,
[00:08:45] like this open mic on the high that was like Austin had
[00:08:49] a couple because nobody was mean in Austin.
[00:08:52] I guess people were less mean in DC or whatever,
[00:08:58] The crazy people like Tom turned into a spectacle very, very
[00:09:03] And Austin, they had like a handful of people
[00:09:05] that were legitimately like autistic and disabled.
[00:09:09] There was just one guy Matt that would do show.
[00:09:12] And then we get like booked on shows like feature.
[00:09:17] I don't know what his deal was, but he was in his late 30s,
[00:09:32] and he would make these like like coral painter drawings,
[00:09:39] Do you know that shit that came with the computer?
[00:09:44] It's not like these weird kind of like just shitty
[00:09:49] You're talking like sub MS paint kind of yeah, like line
[00:09:53] drawings, but then like drop like fill bucket.
[00:09:57] You know, drawings of comedians as like World War II soldier.
[00:10:03] You know, like cartoon versions of them.
[00:10:07] And there was a party one time at somebody's house.
[00:10:11] And he showed up with like a video camera
[00:10:15] And everyone in the video is clearly like, OK.
[00:10:25] And there's like it cuts to Seth Cockfield at one point.
[00:10:27] And he's in the kitchen just getting a beer.
[00:10:32] Just like, yeah, like clearly annoyed that he's being.
[00:10:35] Oh, dude, can you imagine anything worse than being filmed
[00:10:43] he's in the backyard and he's the camera's
[00:10:45] going over the fence to record like three 13 year old girls
[00:11:04] And he like put it online and like tag people on Facebook.
[00:11:09] With him just surreptitiously recording children.
[00:11:15] Yeah, I don't want to be recorded at a party.
[00:11:22] I would be like, I'm like fascinated with people.
[00:11:25] Because it's like he didn't, you know, it's like,
[00:11:29] those are the people who were like, oh, yeah, he died suddenly.
[00:11:42] You know, but it's like, I don't think he has.
[00:11:47] And it's like, those are the guys that you look at.
[00:11:53] Because he's not, he doesn't give a fuck.
[00:11:55] It's almost like when, if and when that guy kills himself,
[00:11:58] it'll be like, yeah, he got like 80 years worth in 50 years.
[00:12:05] Because he never had any, he wasn't think.
[00:12:08] He was like, it's not going to be weird to videotape
[00:12:15] You know, that was just as though insecurity.
[00:12:17] He hasn't been like, oh, I'm not going to stop myself.
[00:12:21] I'm going to take people, I'm going to be, you know,
[00:12:28] I'm going to annoy everyone that I talk to.
[00:12:30] I'm never going to think about whether or not they want to talk to me.
[00:12:34] I remember he actually, there was a more autistic guy.
[00:12:39] There was a more autistic guy named Fred who was like disabled.
[00:12:42] And then he would go on stage and it'd all be nonsense.
[00:12:45] And he just like, he had this like giant beavers.
[00:12:50] And I don't know where he lived, probably with a family member.
[00:12:53] You know, that autistic we're talking about.
[00:12:55] Oh, oh, hey, oh, you know, like he was just barely functioning.
[00:13:03] There was a guy in DC named Tom Flood who was like similar kind of setup.
[00:13:11] Yeah, Tom was, Tom was funny because he was like a savant.
[00:13:14] So like he was, you know, like couldn't have a conversation,
[00:13:16] but he could just, you know, you'd see him and he would recite your birthday
[00:13:19] and then he would have a celebrity that had your birthday
[00:13:23] And what like the exact weather was, you know, and shit like that.
[00:13:26] That's so fucking weird that the human brain is capable of that.
[00:13:32] Yeah, if you do, it's like jail breaking.
[00:13:34] It's like, it's like using it for the wrong thing.
[00:13:37] Like when people use PlayStation as computers, like one of those Indian
[00:13:40] children that you can just be like 80 million times 4,762.
[00:13:44] And they're like nine to be the two hard to die.
[00:13:55] Those are real signs of your mental problems.
[00:14:02] That's what they call an Indian savant.
[00:14:06] You know, the doctors, they say, unfortunately, this child's Indian,
[00:14:09] but however, you won't need a calculator.
[00:14:27] You can do math problems that can be solved with a desk
[00:14:34] get you featured on Guinness World Records television.
[00:14:38] But the trade off is, is that you're Indian.
[00:14:41] What about all the people that are Indian and can't do that?
[00:14:56] Well, his deal was you can have a medallion.
[00:15:01] But the trade off is you have to be Indian.
[00:15:06] So the other guy made a documentary about him.
[00:15:10] He's like working on the documentary about him for years.
[00:15:12] I don't know if the documentary ever came out, but he was like,
[00:15:17] The slightly less autistic guy was following around the more
[00:15:19] autistic guy making a documentary about that.
[00:15:23] And that's like when a hedgehog in a porcupine, it's friends.
[00:15:26] Yeah, it's like when a dog has its own dog.
[00:15:40] Goofy's making a documentary about Pluto.
[00:15:44] So they, yeah, they had a falling out because I guess fucking,
[00:15:50] if I remember correctly, Matt gave Fred a wet willy.
[00:15:56] And peers, I wouldn't, I wouldn't fuck with the ears of the retardant.
[00:16:01] And Fred took a high ball glass and crushed it.
[00:16:06] And then they arrested, I think they arrested both of them.
[00:16:10] And then I don't know where you take those guys.
[00:16:21] Don't even try and use the zip line to escape.
[00:16:25] Do you think that shit would be fun nowadays?
[00:16:34] Those like, I wouldn't have the fears I had as a child.
[00:16:38] I mean, even shit like putting on my shoes is like, actually that's true.
[00:16:42] I gotta go from up here all the way up here to down there.
[00:16:48] I would have an awesome like 35 minutes.
[00:16:57] And I look at myself in the mirror and my eyes are just blood rest every morning.
[00:17:04] Yeah, I get in that shower and you rinse off and you pretend you're a Navy SEAL.
[00:17:09] And you sit down and you don't even do that.
[00:17:13] Nick pretends he's G.I.J. in the girl movie.
[00:17:20] I've said for years that men should have the tits.
[00:17:25] Because it seems like that seems like it would be our thing.
[00:17:29] When you're hunting and gathering, you've got tugs in your way.
[00:17:33] Right out of my way, you fucking flat chested faggot.
[00:17:39] That would suck to get bullied by a guy who was stronger than you and had nicer teeth
[00:17:47] I feel like the way is that my tits would be small.
[00:17:54] Women should go bald and men should have the tits.
[00:18:04] That way it's like, you know, if you're dick small, maybe your tits are huge.
[00:18:08] But then what if you're a guy with little tits and a little dick?
[00:18:15] That's a bald bitch with no titties and a pussy.
[00:18:19] Can you imagine just a woman with no tits, George Costanza?
[00:18:24] He's like, hey, Jerry, I'm trying to get my own show on Netflix.
[00:18:32] They're like, why would we give women anything?
[00:18:37] That's how I'm taking massaging into a new level in 2021.
[00:18:40] For Trump administration, too, we're going to men have the tits.
[00:18:43] Men, women, women suffer from male pattern baldness.
[00:18:47] That would be brutal to not have tits be a lady who's like, like getting fat and being
[00:18:55] And you don't even know how to do jokes about it.
[00:19:00] Although, actually, maybe that's what would happen.
[00:19:06] Oh, dude, you haven't voted about this.
[00:19:15] Just getting titty-fucking my girls rubbing her clit on my nipples.
[00:19:18] You weren't going to strap on the titty-fucking.
[00:19:22] Yeah, dude, I wouldn't learn how to do jokes.
[00:19:32] I mean, that level of dimorphism would be great.
[00:19:33] It's like how female spiders are bigger and they make the web and...
[00:19:47] I feel like the female spiders, they got it on lock.
[00:19:52] I would love to just be sitting in my web and get fed.
[00:19:54] If I was a few little girls, I'd say a little fucker.
[00:20:02] But the male spider, like, I'm sure they don't even enjoy busting.
[00:20:05] They live in fear of the larger female spiders.
[00:20:07] That's what I would like to be the female.
[00:20:10] I get a little slut to feed me and fuck me.
[00:20:23] I'm still programmed to love the ones I bust inside of.
[00:20:27] The perfect relationship is female spider male seahorse.
[00:20:32] Well, is the male seah or is the one that beats off into his leg?
[00:20:36] She said that the baby has the baby in his own stomach.
[00:20:40] He nuts in the woman and then sucks the baby out of the woman's pussy and then he carries
[00:20:48] The way the female spider gets to have the poison but the male seahorse gets to keep
[00:21:02] Once we reach the singularity and merge people with computers...
[00:21:06] The computer should do the simulation as female spider.
[00:21:12] I'm going to write some emails to college professors.
[00:21:13] Let's see if I can get a guy with a PhD to come on the podcast to talk about my idea.
[00:21:19] I wouldn't even mind being the male spider, honestly.
[00:21:23] I would love to be subservient to my fucking big sexy spider queen, dude.
[00:21:30] You're imagining the female spider is having big tits.
[00:21:51] No, she's too busy making a web to kill her.
[00:22:00] I just have to fucking fuck her real fast and bust.
[00:22:07] If I was a male spider, I would start fucking tarantulas then or something.
[00:22:10] I would find other different type of bitches with eight legs.
[00:22:12] I feel like tarantulas would be less intimidating if they had Hawaiian shirts.
[00:22:20] Yeah, we could do, we could do, we could start a program.
[00:22:34] You can play the girls gone wild theme song forever, dude.
[00:22:36] The most iconic steel drum song there is.
[00:22:41] Honestly, I can't get hard during sex unless that's played.
[00:22:48] Bose headphones on the noise canceling and I'm just on a loop.
[00:22:57] There was one girl that I still think about with her tits.
[00:22:59] They're awesome and bounce up and down.
[00:23:02] In retrospect, that was like Joe Francis was just like taking advantage of 19 year old.
[00:23:07] He was a lot like that autistic guy with the 13 year olds on the trampoline.
[00:23:12] Imagine that autistic guy sold the video to a piter files.
[00:23:21] Joe, I think he lost a bunch of lawsuits.
[00:23:25] He never, he, he just made them show their tits.
[00:23:29] I think they thought like, Oh, I'm just having a wild time.
[00:23:32] I'm showing titties and they didn't realize he was about to broadcast that shit and did
[00:23:37] girls got why wild videos have penetrated fucking or it was just.
[00:23:42] I think sometimes I think it's a certain point.
[00:23:47] Maybe some pornographers on the internet just use the name brand to get you to click.
[00:23:51] I watch some soft core or not soft core, but girls jacking off.
[00:23:57] That appeared to be girls gone wild branded.
[00:24:01] But I'm not sure if that was actually you think it was going wild.
[00:24:06] You might have been the Chinese doing their classic copyright.
[00:24:10] I think the wild DVD might have landed in Beijing and they might have reversed engineered it.
[00:24:22] I, yeah, I don't think I've ever seen a Chinese porn.
[00:24:25] I think it's probably pretty illegal and hard to do.
[00:24:27] You don't think they do pornography in China?
[00:24:32] I don't think I've seen a lot of Chinese girls get fucked on the internet.
[00:24:40] I feel like the government would be really against pornography.
[00:24:48] I've seen play because I wonder if they blur out the pussies and dicks.
[00:24:55] Do you know what, do you know if China has pornography?
[00:25:07] What people were saying, is it illegal to make pornography in China?
[00:25:12] Because I'm thinking now and I've jacked off the quite a lot of stuff.
[00:25:24] Also it's, it's, it's strictly prohibited under really criminal law.
[00:25:28] So they, so if we've ever seen Chinese girls get fucked, they've been off, off Chinese
[00:25:34] Oh, here's a good article, no porn in China's coronavirus quarantine.
[00:25:44] They have to use like VPNs to watch porn.
[00:25:48] Imagine not being able to jack off during quarantine.
[00:25:51] That's why they honestly, China got a Beijing got it figured out, dude.
[00:25:55] Those guys work way hard because they don't have the temptation.
[00:26:02] It's like constantly something that you can look at.
[00:26:10] I went to micro, I visited, I had a buddy that was working at Microsoft.
[00:26:16] And when I was in Seattle, I visited the campus and he told me that they had to fucking,
[00:26:21] They had to block pornography from the fucking Wi-Fi because all the Indian developers that
[00:26:30] were coming over fresh off the boat were staying.
[00:26:33] I think I'm jacking off for like 40 minutes.
[00:26:40] And that they dip toilet paper in water and wipe their asses and that they would be like
[00:26:47] They would have to do that in South Texas.
[00:26:50] Mexican guys would come over to the border and they wiped their ass and then leave the
[00:26:53] toilet paper next to the toilet because the plumbing so fucked up and raps a cup.
[00:26:58] That's how it is in Greece too, actually.
[00:27:01] But yeah, in Greek town for that matter, I like here they're like, don't flush.
[00:27:06] Oh, fast down the toilet because you create a problem in the sewer system.
[00:27:10] It's like, well, that sounds like a problem for the sewage people.
[00:27:15] Maybe you shouldn't have created a relationship between me and the city where you find me for
[00:27:31] This is going to Costco and pouring gallons of fucking vegetable oil down the sink as a
[00:27:45] What's the point of that fucking lane if we can't use it to go through traffic?
[00:27:48] I understand school zone fucking speed cameras.
[00:27:56] Fuckin like now are strict hour when the kids are getting picked up and dropped off.
[00:27:59] Now for cameras that do nothing that has nothing to do with safety.
[00:28:03] There's no fucking like and that it's nobody's even offering this.
[00:28:12] Cameras are to take pictures of your breasts for me to see.
[00:28:15] They are not they are not for writing me a ticket.
[00:28:18] And that's and I'll fucking believe that to the end of my time here on earth.
[00:28:23] Cameras have been used for fucking surreptitious behavior too much.
[00:28:27] And if you're not taking pictures of breasts or or pussy or up skirts or up skirts or
[00:28:32] a mouth open as if to say you come here.
[00:28:37] Then we don't need it or if it's a more for a Morton Scorsese movie.
[00:28:41] And those are the only acceptable uses of cameras.
[00:28:45] Italian guys bonding while doing murders or nipples and pussy.
[00:28:53] You know what you didn't just hear me say for fucking speeding tickets.
[00:29:00] But sometimes I just get fucking speed.
[00:29:02] Sometimes you just got to feel sometimes you got to go political.
[00:29:04] Sometimes you got to go motherfucking political.
[00:29:07] Adam in about a minute or so you should probably I don't know call AAA for my car.
[00:29:16] We'll wait on we'll play the wait music.
[00:29:30] These reports Ken Jennings is being groomed to take over for Alex Trebek.
[00:29:42] And they're going to put Ken Jennings on the throne.
[00:29:54] In the supermarket, there was like a like a sweetly kind of thing.
[00:30:01] And it said, you know, like the thing that has kept me alive is love.
[00:30:13] He's letting me cheat on her since my diagnosis.
[00:30:16] I've been faking cancer to get side pussy.
[00:30:25] Thank you for 72 wonderful years of jeopardy.
[00:30:33] I would suck your bexcock to get him another year of life, would you?
[00:30:38] I would do something equally as sacrificial, but maybe not that.
[00:30:50] I would rather suck a cot and cut my eyeball off.
[00:30:54] I don't know if I could will myself to do it, but you put me under, take one of my eyeballs
[00:31:02] Now, are you trying to do this as a workaround to get a robotic eyeball?
[00:31:04] Just slipping into it to the doctor like, hey, by the way, if you want to do one of those
[00:31:12] You're going to throw one of those cool scars in a robotic eye with a laser in it.
[00:31:16] You're not going to hear any complaints from it.
[00:31:26] You were supposed to be Indian to get another year of life for Trebek.
[00:31:34] That's why there's so many Indian people is because they've all been, it's all been
[00:31:38] people that would have been born white, but they're keeping Alex Trebek alive.
[00:31:43] There's a billion Indian people because that's how many white people are like, let's save
[00:31:48] I will be live my entire life Indian if you give him an extra dicey.
[00:31:52] And that makes sense why so many Indian people are now pretending to be black.
[00:31:58] They're like, well, no, you don't understand, man.
[00:32:04] I would imagine if I was a white guy, but I was this dark and I'm not going to be a
[00:32:12] When you stop when you turn the key, do you hear a clicking sound?
[00:32:22] So the vehicle didn't die while you're trying.
[00:32:30] The category I clicked on was car won't start.
[00:32:33] So I turned the key and nothing happens.
[00:32:37] No, I turned the key and hear a clicking sound.
[00:32:41] What driving no or battery issue, which I don't say clicking then I guess.
[00:32:52] Just see what happens if he says is the check engine light on.
[00:33:08] Do do do do do do do do do do do my day kiss.
[00:33:23] I might go for a little early evening late afternoon.
[00:33:36] I don't even feel like I'm awake right now.
[00:33:40] I told you guys this yesterday, but I saw a pod of dolphins while I was out on the water.
[00:33:48] I felt so close to Jaa at that very instant.
[00:34:04] Is it gay to like dolphins when you're a kid?
[00:34:15] Other than dogs and cats, and the dogs are boys and cats are girls.
[00:34:20] If you know anything, though, if you know anything beyond it.
[00:34:21] Remember that there were like kids who were like, they're actually really good at animals.
[00:34:26] You're like that guy is actually good at animals.
[00:34:39] I was a history and I was a mythology kid.
[00:34:46] Holy shit when you learn about fucking like Egypt and Greece.
[00:34:56] I legitimately got very sad the other day that I couldn't.
[00:35:16] As soon as Triple A gets here the podcast is being cut off.
[00:35:29] The listeners out there let's get a couple of riffs going.
[00:35:44] So he's he's he's toys to girls in exchange.
[00:36:02] Why don't you why don't you take it from there?
[00:36:13] How can that how can that be applied to the Jeffrey Epstein situation?
[00:36:45] Jeffrey Jeffrey Jeffrey Epstein the giraffe from Toys R Us.
[00:36:54] If you're listening at a home and you're you're wondering what it's like to be a comedian,
[00:37:03] I know a lot of people they listen to podcast because they like they want to know when it's
[00:37:10] To be everybody admires comedians because they tell their society's truth tellers.
[00:37:16] They pretend they were in the military.
[00:37:22] Calling people that don't do stand up comedy.
[00:37:27] Being comedian is the most embarrassing thing.
[00:37:35] It's so embarrassing to say to other people.
[00:37:49] With Jeffrey next to you, he said, Toys R Us, why did Toys R Us close?
[00:37:58] He was what are they doing with those empty buildings, dude?
[00:38:04] Well, there's about having sex with kids in there.
[00:38:10] He's yeah, they're probably having sex with kids in the building.
[00:38:22] So you got to stop being afraid of the ball.
[00:38:30] It was maybe that's how he got involved.
[00:38:35] Alan Derschwitz is the penguin from the KC Kids Club home TV dinners.
[00:38:53] I begged my mother for those and we got them and I was like, this sucks dick.
[00:38:58] There's so much shit that little Caesars is like that.
[00:39:05] That's why meals are presented in jail.
[00:39:08] Dude, the fucking meals in my school were so bad too.
[00:39:10] Damn, I haven't had a TV dinner as an adult since we're not very good.
[00:39:16] I can't imagine that they would be good.
[00:39:21] When I was 20, I'm like, I'm a fucking man and I would get a hungry man.
[00:39:32] Maybe, I almost bought Michelob Ultra beer because it's the official sponsor of the NBA.
[00:39:46] You know, I like my heavy 10% IPA triple tap.
[00:39:57] I honestly don't fuck with that style of Bruski.
[00:40:03] Let's see what we can do with Toys R Us because I like the idea of a giraffe.
[00:40:07] Well, um, well, Jeff Eppisine is Jewish.
[00:40:12] So you could, it could be go, go as our us.
[00:40:17] And he's she lures in Gentile children to put on that.
[00:40:23] But that, the idea is that you're selling goys.
[00:40:34] Um, what were you, what were you thinking about the neck that I was missing?
[00:40:38] Well, there's a lot of things you could do.
[00:40:41] That's the most notable thing about a giraffe.
[00:40:45] The whole situation where he's using his long neck to look into girls, like up girl skirts,
[00:40:51] yeah, a second store walker, he's popping his head into tree houses.
[00:41:00] I mean, there's a lot of shit you can do with it.
[00:41:02] Um, use the power of your imagination to imagine things with your mind.
[00:41:09] I can imagine this is a better episode of the.
[00:41:14] And for the listeners at home, imagine, because this is what you're getting.
[00:41:16] This is, it's very funny if we, if we move away from the schedule of just Wednesday,
[00:41:22] Sunday, if we have to do these two days in a row back to the garbage, absolutely.
[00:41:29] Don't, don't give them that satisfaction.
[00:41:32] Other people are like, all you have to do is talk for two hours a day a week.
[00:41:43] So, we're getting, and for the, you know what?
[00:41:45] Here's what I, I don't realize that's all I have to do.
[00:41:47] Here's what I'm advocating for folks is we come in one week, eight hour days.
[00:41:52] We put it, if we do what's five days, eight hours.
[00:42:03] 40 episodes, if you think that 52 weeks a year, 40 episodes, we do eight a month.
[00:42:12] We should just do that and then go to a fucking island for the rest of it.
[00:42:17] Let the Patreon numbers dwindle slowly.
[00:42:21] They'll, they'll be there when we come back all for our six week vacation.
[00:42:29] And also we were supposed to have a guest, but his, his bike tire was flat.
[00:42:54] You want a man in a striped shirt to be rowing.
[00:42:57] I want to be rowing and saying to me, well, I kiss my sweetheart and we can, we share a
[00:43:03] fucking, uh, I'm a share of fucking a chicken and part of my John, uh, chicken vagina,
[00:43:16] I got this big shirt special as a tank top.
[00:43:19] I'm going to get a, I'm going to get a gear museum.
[00:43:22] You should have your own call your guys.
[00:43:28] I can't do custom, because I always have to order a minimum amount of shirts.
[00:43:33] So I can't do like a single one off shirt for me unless I sold the rest of the stock
[00:43:36] or just ate the cost and I'm not going to pay like $600 for a single T shirt.
[00:43:44] Uh, but I could do other, other blanks and you know what?
[00:43:50] You should wear them and you should sweat them and you should sell them to gay men to
[00:43:57] Just go walk around Chelsea being like, Hey, you want to buy a sweaty shirt?
[00:44:08] I'm on my way to have sex with the CEO of Morgan Stanley.
[00:44:18] I'm on my way to Elliot Spitzer's apartment to have gay sex with him right now.
[00:44:22] And you're trying to sell me a sweaty shirt.
[00:44:35] You need a turn on that one is that he does.
[00:44:38] He was skeptical at first, but he can't resist.
[00:44:44] My friends and college new guy that was a little rent boy for DC like lobbyists and
[00:44:56] But he was just doing it because he was rich before he was getting fucked for money and
[00:45:03] I don't want to be a Bella Thorne and go on OnlyFans.
[00:45:12] But I don't want to, you know, I don't want to steal.
[00:45:16] I don't want to switch sex with my friends.
[00:45:18] I don't want to fuck with her OnlyFans.
[00:45:30] Because someone was threatening to get them.
[00:45:31] You don't technically have to pay for it because it's there.
[00:45:36] How much do you think we could get if we had sex on OnlyFans and three of us with each
[00:45:54] We would just have gay sex with each other.
[00:45:56] It completely changes the relationship forever.
[00:46:03] Or what if it makes us the next that much closer?
[00:46:06] We understand each other on a new level that we didn't think was possible before.
[00:46:15] I think it would just end up with being like, shit, we did that and we only made $12.
[00:46:24] Sometimes through massaging somebody's holes, you can learn a whole other aspect of them.
[00:46:31] I would love it for you to milk my prostate, brother.
[00:46:35] That's probably the least gay way to have sex.
[00:46:38] If I wore rubber gloves and put my thumbs in your head or my leg.
[00:46:40] Yeah, if you just did it, it's super medical stuff.
[00:46:42] If I did it like the nurse from road trip.
[00:46:52] It made me want to get milked and I still never have.
[00:46:56] They just press your asshole and you just come a little bit.
[00:46:58] I think there's a button in your ass that if you press it, you just bust nuts.
[00:47:04] These gay guys are having sex in the year 3000.
[00:47:07] They are that the future is gay, brother.
[00:47:11] I wish I had gotten my shit milked by the nurse or you know who else?
[00:47:17] Another nurse I would like to have gotten my shit milked by.
[00:47:38] That's like those are the those are the years.
[00:47:44] When you see that picture at that time, that was the hottest moment.
[00:47:49] It's fucked up to see a picture of her now and she's old.
[00:47:56] At 7 p.m. I clapped for her and only her.
[00:48:00] They gave like like parking permits to like nurses and doctors that had to come into the
[00:48:06] But then they were still taking them for parking and like no standings.
[00:48:11] So there's like nurses that have racked up hundreds of dollars and NYC DOT will respond
[00:48:16] to them on Twitter being like, yeah, you shouldn't have parked there.
[00:48:22] Should we fucking burn down Cuomo's house?
[00:48:25] I haven't been enforcing all this stuff.
[00:48:27] It's the, yeah, it's the fucking mayor.
[00:48:32] I really, I really, it would be a treat to see none of the companies open office space
[00:48:37] back up at Manhattan to just really gut, even if it, I don't care if crime skyrockets.
[00:48:44] I don't people are like, well, crime skyrocketing now because they wanted to defund the police.
[00:48:51] Let it be like fucking escape from New York.
[00:48:53] I'm not just fucking porno with Ernest Bordeign.
[00:49:08] If Trump gets reelected, the city's going to be lit up.
[00:49:15] Did you get another email by not being in the town?
[00:49:17] It was, it was, don't go to the freedom tower.
[00:49:29] Yeah, there's not going to be a riot because of the election.
[00:49:32] I think there's going to be like, you know, like what happened during BLM.
[00:49:40] There might be a march and then police might kill somebody because of a march and then there
[00:49:47] I can see something like that happening.
[00:49:59] I can't let these these hordes come in, rape me and marry my kids.
[00:50:09] Oh, during the riots, of course I'm going to get raped.
[00:50:12] What do you think a bunch of like young black teenagers are going to rape elderly Jewish
[00:50:19] I don't talk about this a lot, but when I walk around the city, I'm constantly in fear.
[00:50:26] You would honestly be the easiest out of the three of us to rape, for sure.
[00:50:41] Your ship probably, you can't grip at all, dude.
[00:50:48] I can't wait to sit on this couch and force my son to listen to the bells.
[00:50:54] We come over and say, we're going to Uncle Stavros's house to listen to the bells.
[00:51:15] I want to go back to mom's house in Africa.
[00:51:20] I want to go back to that mud to HUD that mom lives in.
[00:51:29] Oh, yeah, I forgot about that business scheme.
[00:51:37] It's too funny to not just to be a landlord.
[00:51:42] I would get an apartment complex in Ghana.
[00:51:46] Get into arguments with people on Twitter about it.
[00:51:50] Get into arguments with people about my leftist bona fides or whatever.
[00:51:55] About like, it's become like an absolute piece of shit.
[00:51:58] Come down turned more people that would have been fascist.
[00:52:08] It not only was something we foresaw but planned.
[00:52:12] Not only did it actually happen, not only is that reality.
[00:52:24] And I've always been more than somebody that just didn't want to pay for health insurance.
[00:52:28] Just get into arguments with people and then have a separate burner account that I start
[00:52:35] tweeting and be like, oh, by the way, this guy owns a fucking apartment.
[00:52:49] And then just let it be this natural process of me coming out of the woodwork.
[00:52:52] It's like how the Amazon forest burns itself.
[00:52:56] It's like the way a tarantula grows the natural Hawaiian shirt to protect itself.
[00:53:05] Did you say I think about that fucking professor that was like, she's awesome.
[00:53:22] And she was pretending to be black, but I guess Afro-Latino.
[00:53:27] And she, first of all, she looked like Darlene from Roseanne.
[00:53:38] It was like, as if you like, it's like a guy in a fucking improv 101 class trying to pretend
[00:53:51] The thing is, y'all, we out here, it was unbelievable.
[00:54:00] It's very funny because you could be that kind of retard.
[00:54:03] And either you're like a professor at one of the best colleges in the world or your third
[00:54:18] And the name, oh man, she looks so funny.
[00:54:21] Her nose is, that's just from being Jewish.
[00:54:49] GW is just a school to send fucking rich kids, dude, to fucking become, become lobbyists.
[00:54:55] Dude, I went, I went there like, because they gave me the most money out of any school.
[00:55:03] I didn't even visit and then I got there and it's literally a school for the dumbest kids
[00:55:10] Although, I'm sure there's some, damn, where the fuck is the video?
[00:55:16] Oh well, I don't, I just realized I don't actually give a fuck.
[00:55:22] So she's like, she's like, evil, dull as all.
[00:55:26] I mean, yeah, I would consider dull as all to be good.
[00:55:32] Yeah, I think she, well, she changed her name to like Amari Baraka.
[00:55:39] Her name's like Amari Baraka Diallo, no.
[00:55:50] She, it's she, Jeopardy, she should be her, Jonathan Frakes and me on a rotation.
[00:56:04] Michael Richards is ready for a comeback.
[00:56:11] One of the greatest physical comedians of all time.
[00:56:17] I got a couple of things to say and when y'all come on and tell me my time stops, fuck
[00:56:25] It's been said that I was not only did I have to listen to these cops and not just
[00:56:28] the cops, but to be honest with y'all city council members, you posing like you opposing
[00:56:33] them for your sound bites for your social media.
[00:56:38] You've been supporting the cops in a pandemic when the MTA was strapped and you supported
[00:56:47] We know what these little photo opportunity bullshit.
[00:56:52] She sounds like Janice from the Sipraner.
[00:57:11] I told you these cops and the fuck buzzing.
[00:57:20] Making Cajun, making the special Creole, Cajun gumbo.
[00:57:23] And being a college man, a college man, starring Steven Seagull, starring Steven Seagull.
[00:57:30] Listen, I don't know shit about no fucking shit.
[00:57:33] All I know is that these kids need the motherfucking books so they can do school.
[00:57:39] The books have been stolen by a guy from Tajikistan.
[00:57:50] Muslim, actually strength as Muslim mass.
[00:57:55] And then the Muslim guy shows up and he's like, going back, going back, going back.
[00:58:06] My character also be speaking every day.
[00:58:17] The obvious plot hole of the parents, the Chinese parents speaking fluent unaccented English.
[00:58:25] And then their daughter for some reason, hiding in the bushes, not speaking a lick of anything
[00:58:29] like fucking jungle candy, which for whatever reason, Steven Seagull is the only other person
[00:58:49] Yeah, I would love to watch one episode after this.
[00:58:56] You know, we got the projector on decky.
[00:59:02] So we get like a dark and lovely in here like a theater.
[00:59:14] I'm not trying to watch a movie with a mask on.
[00:59:21] No, there's this and don't take shots of beautiful Hoboken.
[00:59:27] I feel like most of the people that live there in like Jersey City are like people that
[00:59:33] Dudes that are really into like St. Patrick's Day.
[00:59:37] Honestly, parts of it are kind of I drove by there because there was a lot of traffic.
[00:59:44] You could take the path training to the city.
[00:59:56] I bet it's the best it's ever going to be right now, actually, because no one's in there,
[01:00:04] I'm about to like the guy because everybody's talking about how great the train is now.
[01:00:13] I tell you, this is the best it's ever written.
[01:00:16] No, but you get just right amount of space.
[01:00:19] You can put your hand on your pants and put your hand on your cock without anybody knows.
[01:00:32] And fucking and some of it gets somebody comes by and cleans it up.
[01:00:35] They shut the train down at 1 AM and they just you get sucked into the machinery in
[01:00:45] I got ground up and turned into sewage, which now I get to be the mucin X guy, which
[01:00:55] I would love to die at the hands of the MTA.
[01:01:03] I'm just fucking taking a poem one, two, three.
[01:01:15] Oh, listen, somebody's taken over the train and I think they're terrorists or something.
[01:01:27] He's such a funny actor because he's like, he was bad at his job forever until he was
[01:01:40] I mean, it's like he brings nothing to the movie.
[01:01:52] I think maybe my idea of him is colored by the odd couple.
[01:01:56] I like him as the guy from the end grumpy old men.
[01:02:10] When he's like, listen, I got a plan for that Dennis kid next door.
[01:02:14] And wife's like, Oh George, don't bother.
[01:02:17] I got a homeless guy that's going to molest him for $5.
[01:02:30] Come on down to my raft and I'll show you my penis where we're going, Dennis.
[01:03:02] He's the first of all that movie socks.
[01:03:19] Dude, I maybe I'll rewatch Problem Child.
[01:03:23] You probably saw this little kid causes so many problems.
[01:03:30] I was like, yeah, I wish I could get in that much trouble.
[01:03:34] I wish it was possible to be that much of a problem.
[01:03:49] The guy from Three's Company, it's dead.
[01:03:55] Was that his dad or his stepdad or something?
[01:03:59] His mom died, so that's why he was a problem child.
[01:04:02] I'm trying to get remarried so I can have sex.
[01:04:11] He was like the more hardcore Dennis the menace.
[01:04:17] I feel like the problem child was also vaguely horny.
[01:04:22] Yeah, that's kind of the vibe I got from him.
[01:04:24] Then there was Man of the House with Tim Allen, which was another boy.
[01:04:28] He'd go into a war with an adult man movie.
[01:04:37] There's one with Chevy Chase that sucks.
[01:04:39] We talked about that one where it's like their Boy Scouts or something.
[01:05:19] Maybe after the show ends, I'll just become a professor who lies about being black.
[01:05:32] What if I just had a kid and I'd been hiding it for a whole show?
[01:05:36] I'm like, oh yeah, people figured it out, so I got to go pick up my kid.
[01:06:00] You don't have to say, yeah, every five seconds.
[01:06:07] No objections here, chief, is putting in my time so we can dial that alimony back by the
[01:06:18] It allows me to pay a cool $47 a month.
[01:06:23] Yeah, in fact, the way you do two for one, you just have them in the corner of every
[01:06:31] You have them waiting in the car with a cracked window.
[01:06:33] I try to keep my son bill under my optimum bill.
[01:06:36] I try and pay as much for internet as I do for my son.
[01:06:53] Whatever your stupid little video game thing is, I play games way more than he does.
[01:07:10] You're the fuck you're not going to come here.
[01:07:14] I had sex with a woman to make you fucking idiot.
[01:07:16] I bet you're jacking off the gay shit right now.
[01:07:22] Why don't you have your own son and then you can talk about who's gay?
[01:07:58] I just did a fucking 540 right in front of your eyes.