Cum Town | Premium | 09/21/2020
[00:00:00] And it's kind of a late night session for me.
[00:00:07] I've been going to bed at like 5.45 in the morning.
[00:00:25] And then don't you get tired in the middle of the day?
[00:00:32] Yeah. He wakes up at 9 to write Proverbs.
[00:00:52] I thought what if I did a little different take on it?
[00:00:59] Yeah. What if Mark, what if I did my own Bible?
[00:01:12] Or now out of the show they've been replaced by
[00:01:22] Problematic New York comedian group text.
[00:01:26] You know, it's nice that I can hear everybody get disappointed
[00:01:28] when they hear our voices, you know, when they're listening.
[00:01:34] Yeah. A bunch of people just crash their tercels
[00:01:37] because they're really mad that we're here.
[00:01:47] Yeah. They've seen fish 80 times in the last year.
[00:01:52] And they took that tercelle all over the country.
[00:01:54] Listen in the podcast, live in the life.
[00:01:57] I do like the podcast maintains the ratio of two
[00:02:07] I did pretty good right before the wedding.
[00:02:09] But then, you know, what wedding weekend?
[00:02:12] Yeah, I think I probably put on a few more pounds.
[00:02:14] Dude, I probably ate realistically 7,000 calories
[00:02:44] And Scott Chaplin was dressed like a fucking substitute
[00:02:55] Doing after school programs, teaching kids
[00:03:06] Well, you can have some I got some ragu, some short rib
[00:03:22] I like eating so much that the suit makes me piss.
[00:03:30] I got food poisoning at my cousin's wedding back in 2011.
[00:03:33] And I was like, I got so sick on the dance floor.
[00:03:40] And I tried to get all my throw up in the hole
[00:03:49] I'm gonna fall over my own dick and balls.
[00:03:53] My uncle handed me one of those flavored waters under the stall.
[00:04:00] It seems like a lot of people complain about weddings.
[00:04:07] The, my, like, as a kid, you get dragged them.
[00:04:10] So you think the ceremony thing is like hours and hours
[00:04:14] And then you have to go to a reception thing
[00:04:17] where there's like, maybe there's food,
[00:04:20] If you're a little girl, you dance with an old man.
[00:04:23] But if you're a boy, I mean, it's just, it's fucking old people
[00:04:27] being like, I met you when you were a baby.
[00:04:33] My wife brought me to her friends' wedding.
[00:04:35] And I saw like in the aisle, there was just a kid
[00:04:39] And I was like, I wish I was a fucking child.
[00:04:52] And there was a guy who went to the ceremony,
[00:04:58] But then he was like very happy to see my cousin
[00:05:02] But like during the just the Catholic parts,
[00:05:06] And I just, in my mind, decided that he had been molested.
[00:05:11] And then he hates, he hated having to be there
[00:05:27] My dad goes to Catholic Mass every single Sunday
[00:05:37] I don't know if she's told live, actually.
[00:05:51] They say like in Confucianism, you're shitty
[00:05:53] if you don't know your parents and your grandparents is ages.
[00:06:06] I mean, excuse me, don't they like kill their children there?
[00:06:14] And we're getting trouble for using the pronouns
[00:06:19] They don't even wait to see if it's trans.
[00:06:21] They just throw that little baby vagina right off the fucking cliff.
[00:06:24] Put a whole ashtray in her mouth the second she's born.
[00:06:29] It's like, wait, maybe she could get a facsimile penis crafted
[00:06:35] She could become very wise international businessman.
[00:06:40] And you're fucking already, you know, like, like,
[00:06:44] got the duct tape all over the back of the car.
[00:06:53] And you're not even going to wait to see
[00:07:01] She might start streaming or, you know, have a channel,
[00:07:07] I would say you have a pedophile going to China
[00:07:14] And then the whole thing is that he just didn't understand
[00:07:20] He was like, I thought it was a freebie.
[00:07:27] You know, it's like when you go to the mall,
[00:07:29] you go to Panda Express and they give you one piece
[00:07:44] He gets like some third good partial attorney to like to fit.
[00:07:47] Your honor, if we look at this statute,
[00:07:50] the way the law has ordered does clearly say one child per family.
[00:07:55] You did that bit without doing a hacky Asian voice.
[00:08:16] I can't remember the gardener works for him or whatever.
[00:08:19] But this African guy is like, son is like at a protest.
[00:08:27] And then you know, Donald's Southern is like,
[00:08:30] I'm sure if the police arrested him, they had a reason to,
[00:08:33] you know, and then the fucking black guy goes and tries
[00:08:36] And then they just torture him and murder him.
[00:08:38] And then Donald's Southern is like, where's my friend?
[00:08:46] And then so he like has to get a lawyer to help.
[00:08:48] And the lawyer is like Marlon Brando already fat as shit,
[00:08:54] It's actually of the fat Brando iterates.
[00:08:57] Not like a bad performance on his part.
[00:09:00] But I imagine that as your Chinese lawyer
[00:09:04] trying to defend only because I put that movie back on.
[00:09:10] Do you remember that interview with Brando?
[00:09:13] And he goes, I'm very angry at some of the Jews in Hollywood.
[00:09:17] He said, I'm very angry at some of the Jews.
[00:09:25] Are there crazy famous people anymore now?
[00:09:33] I mean, they're insulated from full insanity by being stupid.
[00:09:37] Most of the, like this crazy as a good actor
[00:09:40] will get is like, you know, wearing scarves.
[00:09:46] You ever have that happen where you see a guy in something
[00:09:48] and you think he's like, you're like, man,
[00:09:50] And then you like look them up and you see them like out
[00:10:05] So what would they do if Hollywood never liberalized
[00:10:13] Which in part some sense of like moral depth to these people
[00:10:20] Like if celebrities didn't have like, you know,
[00:10:23] over raising money for the children that were,
[00:10:26] there was earthquake and there's children.
[00:10:28] So, you know, going on Ellen and getting
[00:10:30] to talk about that, if they never discovered that.
[00:10:33] And then like it just had to be a celebrity being like,
[00:10:39] I can't do it because I keep eating the ingredients beforehand.
[00:10:44] And then Jay Leno has to be like, that's great.
[00:10:48] We just be going to China raping one kid.
[00:10:55] that he uses to stop war crimes in Africa.
[00:10:59] Well Clooney's not, Clooney's like definitely, you know,
[00:11:06] But he's not, there's a picture of George Clooney listening
[00:11:12] Because he's got this like this stupid fucking look
[00:11:16] It's like he's just like an intense contemplation of like,
[00:11:20] I just want to suck every words dick coming out
[00:11:25] I want, if I want, Obama says something
[00:11:28] and then the word grows a penis and I suck it off.
[00:11:33] You have to fucking, it's about taking care of fucking people.
[00:11:41] Just, he can't wait with him and his wife, who has her own name,
[00:12:00] That was such a funny, it was like a year online.
[00:12:03] They're like, she's not George Clooney's wife.
[00:12:09] It was just this fucking like trend with like,
[00:12:11] vice writers, this is the bitch about people.
[00:12:17] who's going around being like, who's this cunt?
[00:12:39] Did Hitler, he had a wife and then a girlfriend,
[00:12:45] They got married like a week before he killed himself.
[00:12:53] And then he's like, OK, so she's going to kill herself
[00:12:56] You almost have to put a ring on it at that point.
[00:12:58] I like that Hitler was still kind of just a dude.
[00:13:04] And so even at the end, he's like, I mean, I don't know
[00:13:12] I mean, yeah, I'm like 47, but I can still pull.
[00:13:31] They're just like, what if I fucked Hitler?
[00:13:37] And but I guess, yeah, looks like we're going to lose the war.
[00:13:42] You know, Hitler had like comedian lifestyle.
[00:13:49] when he was in power until like the war got bad,
[00:13:52] he would wake up at like noon every day
[00:13:56] and then have like two meetings and then watch a movie.
[00:13:59] Like they would bring him a new movie every single day.
[00:14:11] Can you imagine like telling people you're a cinema buff
[00:14:20] That's what pre-code Hollywood means, I think.
[00:14:42] This right here on the front of my pants.
[00:14:52] Yeah, they were thinking about the one-child policy.
[00:15:06] Ruth Bader Ginsburg died after officiating microstates.
[00:15:20] But I went on Twitter and I searched crying at night.
[00:15:26] And just, and now I understand those like male tears mugs.
[00:15:35] I'm like, damn, I wish I had a dumb bitch.
[00:15:49] I said, I got to marry my best friend and R.B.G.'s dead.
[00:15:52] It would be great if she had died of coronavirus.
[00:16:00] and there was a veteran that refused to put on a mask.
[00:16:12] And there was a guy wearing two camouflage baseball hats
[00:16:19] I didn't fucking die in something just to wear,
[00:16:23] just to come here so some British asshole can tell me to.
[00:16:28] That is like owning the libs in the purest form though,
[00:16:31] refusing to wear a mask and killing Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
[00:16:35] Some guy that gets his haircut at the gas station
[00:16:47] And it's like some of them must have gotten
[00:16:51] I went to family dollar near my house a couple days ago
[00:16:53] because I needed to, because two of my friends
[00:16:55] were getting married, I needed a greeting card.
[00:16:57] And there's nowhere in my neighborhood to get greeting.
[00:16:59] I mean, there's probably this neighborhood too.
[00:17:01] There's nobody to go to get greeting cards.
[00:17:06] Yeah, I love to pay $10 for a greeting card.
[00:17:23] Because that's the one instance where it's like, yeah,
[00:17:27] Because there's nothing else you can do.
[00:17:32] Yeah, I'm sorry about the worst moment.
[00:17:39] So it's like, for sympathy, it's like sympathy mom,
[00:17:42] sympathy grandmother, what if it's like sympathy gay dad?
[00:17:48] Sympathy Chinese daughter you had to kill.
[00:18:07] You probably thought I was saying he was in hell.
[00:18:10] He went to gay heaven, which is underground.
[00:18:12] The picture of a grandma having a brunch with a monkey,
[00:18:19] The greeting card industry has gotten so lazy.
[00:18:22] They're like, yeah, it's two old ladies,
[00:18:25] And then on the inside, it says, you're not that old.
[00:18:31] Well, but maybe they were always, because now we're
[00:18:41] I do remember, though, as a kid being impressed with things
[00:18:44] like the funny papers, certain greeting cards.
[00:18:47] But I think when you look back, it was always kind of shitty.
[00:18:50] Yeah, I remember the newspaper would come on Sunday,
[00:18:52] and I would tear it open to get to the comics.
[00:18:54] And I would sit there and be like, this is gay.
[00:18:59] I just like looking at them kind of times.
[00:19:01] No, there was none of them I ever liked, ever.
[00:19:08] I was talking about Calvin Hobbs, Far Side.
[00:19:10] I was never, Far Side I liked, but I liked the books.
[00:19:17] I would read the books and I would laugh,
[00:19:18] and then I would get the paper and be like, this sucks.
[00:19:28] That they don't fuck anymore or something.
[00:19:33] It was like a single, it was like, yeah.
[00:19:37] Well, that's due for a comeback, I think.
[00:19:43] Both literally in terms of popular appeal.
[00:19:53] But imagine being a big bitch in like 1998, you're like, well,
[00:20:00] I'll wink at the guy at work and he won't respond.
[00:20:03] Guess I go home and fucking read Kathy.
[00:20:05] Back there would be nice if I could fucking, you know,
[00:20:09] watch a million TV shows about how good it is
[00:20:33] This is second cupcake that I've earned.
[00:20:36] But Kathy was in the newspaper for like decades, I think.
[00:20:42] And the lady who drew her was kind of a, she was OK looking.
[00:20:45] It would be funny if it was drawn and written
[00:20:58] But hey, everybody's got to earn a living, right?
[00:21:01] So here's a comic about a bitch that doesn't have a nose.
[00:21:06] Well, it's like Kathy's kind of a, she's like a basic bitch.
[00:21:13] She has a pigish laugh that's supposed to endear you to her.
[00:21:19] Michael host Andy Palmer, he checked all of the cartoons.
[00:21:22] If they acknowledge that September 11th happened,
[00:21:31] But like a lot of that, I think it didn't happen
[00:21:36] Well, where the fuck does Garfield live?
[00:21:39] Here's Kathy taking a bus to a Puerto Rican neighborhood
[00:21:53] Yeah, maybe because you don't speak German.
[00:22:02] My grandparents liked zits about the teenage boy
[00:22:09] You ever take this silly putty and put it on the comics
[00:22:13] and then you can read the comics on your silly putty?
[00:22:21] You just, it's just absorbs the ink, but then it's backwards.
[00:22:28] Silly putty, what did you do with that toy?
[00:22:32] It was a, you press it into that it makes fart noises, right?
[00:22:40] Yeah, there was a whole era there where they're like different kinds of slime.
[00:22:49] Run it on this little mosquito bite titties.
[00:22:54] Run the picture to pee up to stick-stiggly.
[00:23:03] Didn't he have an Instagram post recently with his dog?
[00:23:09] No, because I don't pay attention, dude.
[00:23:13] I don't, I'm like, I have no idea what's going on.
[00:23:16] He like, he hit a bunch of Twitter replies.
[00:23:24] Because he was, he got like, he was like fucking straight up just tweeting about children's
[00:23:30] Well, he just endorsed Joe Biden, I think, for president.
[00:23:35] Listen, listen, Mac, they say this guy's a pedophile.
[00:23:41] Until you see, look, a kid, they're eight, nine, ten, they're going on.
[00:23:48] These were years where you could do quality and have sex with them.
[00:24:00] Is that that man who's bringing lunch with dance night, who's internal monologue functions
[00:24:11] It's like a fucking a landline that's about to go out.
[00:24:17] You have to imagine Schneider has the A-Team, Masod, and Harvey Weinstein had the C-Team
[00:24:28] I think because we all love Good Burger so much.
[00:24:36] Because I watched the election this weekend.
[00:24:40] Didn't he groom Rose McGowan or something for sex?
[00:24:46] Like, that was just how the world worked until literally 2016.
[00:24:52] I mean, that's my new theory is like a lot of these fucking Hollywood people are just
[00:24:58] Like what Nick Croll's dad is in, you know, Croll Industries.
[00:25:02] If you will, I don't want to mess up my career and trash Nick Croll.
[00:25:06] The degree in which like the CIA is like just in bed with the entertainment industry.
[00:25:15] Like the Sony hack or whatever, Amy Pascal or the head of Sony or I forget what her title
[00:25:21] was, but she had like Google alerts for anything mentioning that the state department.
[00:25:26] She was a huge fan of that show Homeland.
[00:25:32] But like, yeah, I mean, I'd have to go back and look at it again.
[00:25:36] But the Sony hack is like incredibly damning.
[00:25:40] And like Brian Callan, who, you know, got accused of this exosol.
[00:25:45] His dad was like big up in the Council of Foreign Relations, which is like a CIA cut
[00:25:53] I remember I was working on a TV show and it was like when I dealt with that thing with
[00:25:59] And the he wasn't necessarily the show runner, but they got, they brought a guy in to like
[00:26:03] function as basically senior writer or something.
[00:26:08] Long time television guys written on everything.
[00:26:10] And I'm like just sort of casually telling the story and he was like, yeah, you know,
[00:26:19] I mean, it's like, you know, it's just your dad's got to do something.
[00:26:23] You know, but well, you have to go out of your way to learn about what the CIA even
[00:26:28] I mean, I don't think I learned about what the CIA does until like a year ago.
[00:26:32] You just think they're like there to protect us.
[00:26:35] Did you go to see the last narc the documentary on Amazon?
[00:26:40] And basically it's just fucked up because I watched the TV show Narcos Mexico, you know,
[00:26:45] about all this shit and you watch that and you're like, man, the CIA is fucking awful.
[00:26:48] And then you watch the last narc and you're like, no, that was a limited hangout.
[00:26:51] The CIA is even fucking worse than that.
[00:26:54] They're way worse and every, they deliberately plant like that kind of media.
[00:27:02] But it's like it's so fucked up because it's like there are, you know, multiple DEA witnesses
[00:27:07] and multiple, you know, former cartel members who say, yeah, a CIA agent came down here
[00:27:11] to Mexico in 1985 and they tortured and murdered Kiki Camarena was a DEA agent.
[00:27:17] They tortured and murdered him and then they got the fucking DEA to cover it up to this
[00:27:21] And they did that because he discovered that the CIA was working with Mexican cartels to
[00:27:25] run drugs in the United States to fund the Contra War.
[00:27:29] And you know, I mean, that's just like insane power that you can get the fucking DEA to
[00:27:33] be like, yeah, put a fucking power drill through our agents kneecap.
[00:27:41] Then you go to school, they're like communism.
[00:27:49] Well, I mean, they were incentivized to torture that guy.
[00:27:55] If you want to talk about productivity, it's not wrong.
[00:28:03] There's like another documentary about like the sea, the CIA agents who hunted down Ben
[00:28:08] All the interviews are like middle aged white ladies who look like they would get mad
[00:28:14] You know, it's like it's been a real transition.
[00:28:15] There's a whole premise with zero dark 30.
[00:28:17] It's like kind of this like soft girl power bullshit.
[00:28:19] Whereas if they made zero dark 30 now, they would just sell it, you know, fucking wholesale
[00:28:28] How quickly people just like suffer from like brain rot now, right?
[00:28:34] They're like, they're, they're critical faculties are like completely, I remember it like a
[00:28:38] couple of years ago, you couldn't get away with like incredibly cynical woke marketing.
[00:28:44] You could make that fucking like Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad now.
[00:28:48] And it would probably just like drift through people's minds.
[00:28:54] I mean, maybe they're pretty some pushback, but it would people would just sit there and
[00:29:02] I don't know if it's a process of desensitization so much as like, I don't know who gives a
[00:29:18] We're going to pause and I'm going to piss.
[00:29:21] If I foam or I feel better, like right away.
[00:29:26] I should really take advantage of that pause feature more.
[00:29:28] I guess when Stav and Adam are here, I don't really give a shit.
[00:29:31] It's pretty great because I had to walk out.
[00:29:36] I do these bullshit like solo cast sometimes when I'm a guest and it's just like you just
[00:29:44] I did 10, maybe 10, 15 minutes of that a couple of weeks ago.
[00:29:50] It was, I mean, it didn't sound bad, but it's like it's awful.
[00:29:52] It's an awful position to put yourself.
[00:29:56] Because then you're suddenly aware of the fact that people like, this works because you're
[00:30:01] able to do podcasting because you just forget that you're fucking recording this and is
[00:30:08] You know, that's like why broadcasting works.
[00:30:12] But like if it's just you, then you're, you have to be aware of the fact that like you're
[00:30:18] saying things that people are going to listen to.
[00:30:30] It does give you appreciation for like the skill of Rush Limbaugh or whoever, you know, I mean,
[00:30:35] or take your pick, but just to be able to talk.
[00:30:37] If I could say all this stuff, I actually believe.
[00:30:42] You just have to put the governor on it.
[00:30:45] You know, and like, be like, haha, just kidding.
[00:30:51] So if you just get to get fucked up on like, Vicodin all day long and talking to a microphone.
[00:30:58] Talk about how you want to kill the white spotted owls.
[00:31:01] This is going to fucking burn its habitat to the ground.
[00:31:06] He fucking, you know, I could, I could do Limbaugh if I was on, on pills constantly.
[00:31:17] Why don't you close your le- I'm just saying I don't want to be cr- or cr- cr- cr- cr-
[00:31:29] She's probably gone what you would call a shitty pussy.
[00:31:38] My dad and Devstepfather bonded at the wedding because, because he showed my dad, uh, his
[00:31:43] dartboard that he has Nancy Pelosi tamed to.
[00:31:45] He has a picture of Pelosi that he throws darts at in his basement.
[00:31:55] It's the same thing as, as the fat bitch eating cupcakes to stop the president, which happens,
[00:32:08] Nick, have you been on every episode of come down?
[00:32:09] I finally, um, a couple, like a month or so ago, I like took two off.
[00:32:21] But yeah, no, it was like fucking an un, like an unbroken streak of probably like 350 episodes.
[00:32:27] Like fucking Gandalfini on the sopranos.
[00:32:30] Every single week of my life for years, which, you know, yeah, I don't think people realize
[00:32:40] what a prison it is doing a, doing a podcast.
[00:32:44] Well, it's because it is like it's an impromptu conversation.
[00:32:50] And, uh, no planning goes into it, which you could make the argument.
[00:32:59] But no, you know, uh, and then it's like you, you do your best.
[00:33:05] And what you're trying to do is be funny.
[00:33:07] You're at the very least continue speaking for an hour.
[00:33:13] And it's not like it's like fucking hard, you know, right?
[00:33:17] But like some days you're bad at your job.
[00:33:20] You know, but the days that you're bad at your job, if there's too many of them, a guy,
[00:33:30] You know, and luckily I don't have that ever.
[00:33:37] You know, I knew what they were getting into.
[00:33:42] Well, as you know, Dasha and Ana, they have a couple of bad episodes.
[00:33:46] Guess who stops taking the RHIV medicine?
[00:33:57] Fucked up that virus is creating the entire X men Academy inside his bloodstream.
[00:34:14] or else this young woman wouldn't have overdosed on Tylenol.
[00:34:31] What other podcasts can we trash, boys?
[00:34:36] Those are the only two podcasts I know.
[00:34:40] It's nice that the CIA started out by giving people LSD without their knowledge
[00:34:46] and then that evolved and got refined by the Legion of Scanks podcast.
[00:34:52] They had another scandal recently with that.
[00:35:05] I only took it once and I didn't have a terrible trip,
[00:35:08] but there's moments of it where you think,
[00:35:11] if this goes bad, this would be the worst nightmare of my entire life.
[00:35:16] Every time I do them, it's like, I'll have a good time,
[00:35:18] but then 50% of the time I'm like, don't freak out.
[00:35:26] I think it was like one time we did mushrooms
[00:35:36] I was like, we should watch Super Jail.
[00:35:40] It was this really high, like fast paced, violent cartoon from
[00:35:48] AUGAN BLICK that was on probably a decade ago on Adult Swim.
[00:35:58] It's slick animation, but I guess it's supposed to be funny,
[00:36:01] but it's not like, I mean, it's marginally funny.
[00:36:04] It's mostly just like very cool animation where it's like this nightmare,
[00:36:12] I've seen a couple episodes of that, yeah.
[00:36:15] And then every episode culminates with like some big prison fight
[00:36:18] that like, you know, is, I don't even know how to describe it.
[00:36:27] Well, I had to go in the other room and lay down.
[00:36:30] And then I was laying down and then the guy whose house we were all hanging out at,
[00:36:34] who was like some guy from Mississippi who would bring up that he was from
[00:36:38] Jackson, Mississippi, like in every conversation, you know, and then,
[00:36:43] but I'm always in a way where he's like, well, I'm from Jackson,
[00:36:47] So, you know, I certainly feel, you know, you got to have,
[00:36:51] you got to put an napkin out on the table.
[00:36:53] Like anything he did was because he was from Jackson, Mississippi.
[00:37:01] The guy, maybe it's just the Jackson, Mississippi.
[00:37:04] You know, it's like, anyway, so I'm on the ground and then he comes in and he's
[00:37:08] putting like fucking noise canceling headphones on my head and then putting
[00:37:13] on like fucking like metaphor or something.
[00:37:20] I don't want to listen to your shitty music.
[00:37:23] Let me stare at the fucking ground and chill out.
[00:37:39] Looking in a mirror when you're fucked up.
[00:37:45] You can like look at yourself without ego or at least at the time.
[00:37:49] Yeah, I just look at myself and it's like, you know, oh, this is, I'm just like a thing
[00:38:04] I don't, I have no interest in doing hallucinogens.
[00:38:06] I wish I still liked weed, but that's like, even that just gives me anxiety.
[00:38:11] I want the movie theaters to reopen and then get way too high in the parking line and get
[00:38:15] a big pretzel with a cup of nacho cheese.
[00:38:19] And sit and watch, you know, wicker man or 300 or whatever was in theaters during my
[00:38:27] So like with the 9-11 true thing, there's a new, there's a new one like from Zeitgeist
[00:38:32] The new one's called the new Pearl Harbor.
[00:38:37] By the way, that was the only time I ever wrote my Congresswoman, Nydia Velasquez.
[00:38:40] I wrote her when I was 22 and asked to investigate 9-11.
[00:38:44] And she's one of the ladies who dressed up in white with AOC.
[00:38:48] She's like an older Puerto Rican woman.
[00:38:50] Well, she's like just a corrupt machine politician, but she like knows that her district is getting
[00:38:56] gentrified, so she supports Medicare for all now.
[00:39:00] But yeah, no, so yeah, the new one is the new Pearl Harbor.
[00:39:04] And I was, I've watched like two hours of it and I was just watching.
[00:39:06] I was like, this would be so much better if I was high right now.
[00:39:12] I feel like I can argue both positions equally as passionately, that it wasn't an inside job
[00:39:20] Well I mean, like what I'll say for the shit that we actually know, and it's crazy to me
[00:39:25] that this is not talked about more, but the 9-11 families are actually suing Saudi Arabia.
[00:39:30] The former senator of Florida is gunning Bob Graham.
[00:39:34] He says that he did a congressional committee investigating 9-11.
[00:39:38] He said the FBI lied to him, hid information from him, covered up the Saudi role in 9-11.
[00:39:44] And just like logically, a lot of the hijackers didn't speak English.
[00:39:49] They'd never lived in the United States.
[00:39:51] They needed people to get them, you know, driver's license, apartments.
[00:39:55] Someone's going to drive them to satin dolls in New Jersey.
[00:39:59] But so, and you know, these handlers, some of them have been identified and linked to
[00:40:03] the Saudi embassy in Washington and the Ministry of Islamic Affairs.
[00:40:08] And it's just like once you realize that, it's kind of like the mafia in JFK where you go,
[00:40:13] Saudi Arabia has a very good deal going and they're not going to attack the United States
[00:40:18] without some sort of permission from somebody, you know.
[00:40:22] And that's kind of where I'm at right now.
[00:40:24] Yeah, they're like the whops of the Middle East.
[00:40:30] And then why do we go to Afghanistan for 20 years after that happened?
[00:40:38] It's billions of dollars in military contracts and then you get to fucking run heroin and
[00:40:45] I was thinking about getting a poppy plant.
[00:40:47] Because it's not technically illegal, I guess, to own the plant.
[00:40:50] But if you're, if you like, let's say do a podcast where you say that you want it to
[00:41:01] You ever doing Kratum or whatever that shit is?
[00:41:04] And then he like, let me have some years ago.
[00:41:09] It's like it does give you like a kind of a buzz.
[00:41:13] But it's like the CBD of fucking, you know, opiates.
[00:41:17] Not, I mean, it's maybe a little bit more like active, I guess.
[00:41:23] But yeah, it wasn't, you know, I wasn't like, wow, I can see myself being addicted to this
[00:41:32] I feel like I would just graduate to pills almost immediately.
[00:41:38] So I used to get this CBD brownies because they started, you know, selling them in like
[00:41:45] And it like, it only does a little bit for you, but like one time I took an entire CBD
[00:41:51] And then for some reason I thought I'm going to watch the video of that mosque shooting
[00:41:54] in New Zealand because I'd never seen it before.
[00:41:59] We got to worry strapped to GoPro and instead of shooting.
[00:42:10] I mean, that's that has to be all the Muslims in New Zealand.
[00:42:15] Because there's only like 15 people to live in New Zealand.
[00:42:21] They're all arrogant about their like how they handled COVID.
[00:42:26] We don't have any deaths, you know, a girl president.
[00:42:32] Just because we've got a whole president and, you know, we don't have to deal with the
[00:42:48] But you, but you also could make the argument that we've handled the coronavirus worse
[00:42:52] in any other nation in the world, right?
[00:42:59] But New York kind of feels like we're starting to come back.
[00:43:10] Well, we killed everybody who could get it.
[00:43:13] It was like, I mean, the way New York handled the coronavirus is of like a hurricane Katrina
[00:43:17] And then the day after the hurricane, you built the levy and you were like, we did it.
[00:43:24] And then you don't rebuild the city at all.
[00:43:35] The worst thing that ever happened with this thing is how like they were like, you should
[00:43:39] wear a mask not to protect yourself but to protect others from you.
[00:43:44] And it's like, well, that's not how that's going to be interpreted.
[00:43:46] Now people are going to go around and anybody they see without a mask, they're going to
[00:43:51] You know, if you just, they should just lie and say the mask protects you from the virus.
[00:43:56] People are that selfish and self centered.
[00:44:02] Because then people are like, well, I'm going to wear the mask to protect myself from other
[00:44:06] And then those people shut the fuck up and don't like pull their phone out to make a
[00:44:10] And also the Chipotle guy is just like, you know, well, I guess I might as well wear
[00:44:14] the fucking mask, you know, because it's like, well, if it protects me, I guess I'll do
[00:44:22] Well, because then it's not something being imposed on it.
[00:44:23] But then when people feel like they're being lied to, then they don't trust.
[00:44:32] Just do that one extra lie and like not have an additional fucking like piece of kindling
[00:44:42] So, this should have been like, where the mask to protect yourself?
[00:44:46] Where the mask to protect yourself from other people.
[00:44:48] Because to some extent you are protecting yourself, there's the chances of getting it
[00:44:51] or less if you're wearing a mask and the person who has it isn't less by like 30% or something.
[00:45:01] And then you just told every small business like, hey, you have to go get bankrupt and
[00:45:07] And we're going to like enlist the fucking I fucking love science people as the grassroots
[00:45:12] soldiers to yell at you if you can play about this.
[00:45:26] So this is the kind of jobs that deserve to be showing my pussy on only fans.
[00:45:35] Where they're trying to be optimistic about that.
[00:45:41] Now they all get to be beautiful whores.
[00:45:57] So you're on there checking to see what your friends are up to.
[00:46:00] And meanwhile walking out of the room when they go on stage before.
[00:46:13] It does like it fills in the remaining 20% where you just find like a Facebook swimsuit
[00:46:16] What do you mean I don't support female comics?
[00:46:25] It's you know, it's like a social media thing.
[00:46:29] And there was one girl who like there was some story in Tulsa that came out where like
[00:46:32] some cop made up a story that somebody at Starbucks was writing like fuck pigs on the
[00:46:39] and then that cop's daughter came out and she was like, yeah, my dad's a piece of shit.
[00:46:55] All the stars of Twitter trending column from 2019 together fucking each other.
[00:47:10] Well, I guess it's time for the what's Israel up to segment.
[00:47:18] Nobody's been paying attention to Israel during Corona.
[00:47:23] We could fucking tomorrow find out that everybody in Gaza has been genocided.
[00:47:29] And they're like, we just did it quietly and nobody was looking.
[00:47:33] So, also a French look at my new jeans.
[00:47:41] Did you see there's a video of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer at APAC and Nancy Pelosi says,
[00:47:46] even if the Capitol building crumbled to the ground and it was a complete ruin, we would
[00:47:58] But yeah, well, she's a stupid content.
[00:48:05] There was something else that I wanted to segue to.
[00:48:11] Why don't you send your ice cream freezer over to Israel and Nancy Pelosi?
[00:48:21] She was showing off her ice cream freezer.
[00:48:22] Why don't we just make her the Supreme Court justice?
[00:48:32] Somebody like, why don't they just why don't why isn't they appoint Nancy Pelosi?
[00:48:35] Why don't they put Nancy Pelosi in there and she can be one of the judges.
[00:48:45] Is there any chance that a fucking 28 year old white woman in New York City will not be
[00:48:58] The places in America where it was like, could be a problem.
[00:49:08] Well, I think like, I don't think they're ever going to overturn Roe v. Wade because you
[00:49:12] look at all the shit that the Supreme Court does, it's like an unelected legislative body
[00:49:16] that just like Ruth Bader Ginsburg in 2014, one of her rulings was nine zero ruling Amazon
[00:49:23] when they spend 30 minutes searching you to make sure you're not stealing shit after you
[00:49:29] Supreme Court rule that that was that was one of her ruling.
[00:49:32] Nine zero and it's just like they have a good bracket going where this is like it's a legislative
[00:49:37] body that says, oh, the First Amendment means you can spend infinite corporate money in
[00:49:43] So it's like if they actually got rid of Roe v. Wade, you know, it would just fuck with
[00:49:46] a bunch of liberals heads and they might actually think about getting rid of it.
[00:49:51] So there's there's no way they ever actually do it.
[00:49:53] Imagine working Amazon pissing your pants all day.
[00:49:58] You got to undergo an hour long search to make sure you didn't steal off your iPhone cable.
[00:50:07] Well, I mean, they showed they had those commercials where everyone in the factories
[00:50:10] was trans and that was like that was supposed to resolve it.
[00:50:13] And they have to search your new pussy and make sure you didn't steal.
[00:50:16] They're like, I actually don't need to go to the bathroom because I got a zipper on mine.
[00:50:25] You know, I just I have to dilate all day long to make sure that my penis hole, my manufacturer
[00:50:34] Could I get a trans woman to grow me at the end of my shift?
[00:50:48] Like you go to Whole Foods sometimes and everybody there just hates you.
[00:50:57] Here's what you could do is you could work at Amazon and then you could go home and order
[00:50:59] shit from Amazon and then just say it didn't show up and get a refund for it until it equals
[00:51:05] the amount of your 30 minutes that they spent searching you.
[00:51:10] Or you before your shift, you walk your dog, right?
[00:51:15] The dog shits, you pick up the shit in a Ziploc bag, put it in your pocket, sealed.
[00:51:21] And then at the end of the day, you just open the Ziploc bag in your pocket, you know,
[00:51:26] where it's still, it's just the opening of the Ziploc bag.
[00:51:30] So the security guard comes up and is like, all right, you know what time it is.
[00:51:35] Let me stick my hand in your pocket to see what you've stolen from our beautiful company.
[00:51:44] And then, you know, then you go to jail for stealing dog shit.
[00:51:50] Then you're on trial for facing the death penalty for stealing a pile of dog shit from
[00:51:58] Bezos personally oversees your execution too.
[00:52:11] You ever see that picture of him in his Super Bowl box with Lizzo?
[00:52:16] And it's like, wow, like you made it, you know, you're like the richest man in the world and
[00:52:20] a private box, the Super Bowl with some pop star.
[00:52:23] Lizzo stumbles and it cuts to that clip from Batman when the fucking stadiums being torn
[00:52:37] And she goes, has anyone seen the newspaper?
[00:52:51] We got to delay the Super Bowl because Lizzo is too big.
[00:52:56] That was a good tweet, Nick, that when you said when Lizzo reported the Postmates driver,
[00:53:04] She's being denied her access to medicine.
[00:53:06] I remember one night I was at a show and I was hanging out with these two women.
[00:53:09] These two women, like in the 30s, and I go, oh, man, my friend Nick had the funniest tweet
[00:53:13] because I told that tweet to so many other people.
[00:53:17] And they were like, we don't really think that's funny.
[00:53:22] They were like a comic and one of her friends imagining that, oh, oh, okay.
[00:53:28] I thought you meant like audience members.
[00:53:32] Did you see that take going around like Ruth Bader Ginsburg?
[00:53:35] Stop saying Ruth Bader Ginsburg is in heaven.
[00:53:43] I mean, it's like Jewish people don't believe in heaven, but that's the implication.
[00:53:46] If you're not supposed to say she's in heaven, but I think she converted.
[00:53:50] She's in heaven getting a baby sucked out of her uterus right now.
[00:53:55] Just having the back of its head caved in with an ice cream scoop.
[00:54:04] This way to the abortion, the safe legal abortion that is in heaven.
[00:54:28] I'm sorry, Chester, but you have cancer.
[00:54:38] Is there any way we're going to find this thing?
[00:54:44] Is there any way we can find this thing?
[00:54:47] I'm going to find a four pancreatic cancer.
[00:55:04] Like, no, none of that's going to work.
[00:55:08] You'll do chemo for fucking 18 months and then it'll wither away and die.
[00:55:13] In a quick, it'll be like a two week period and then, you know, Tony, you'll just fucking
[00:55:24] He's the cheetah with like clumps of fur falling out.
[00:55:30] I know everybody says they're going to beat this thing, but I really think I got it.
[00:55:45] The coolant money not cheer has be or something.
[00:55:49] Guys, I got, I don't know how this happened.
[00:55:53] Just sucking cock all week and I got it.
[00:56:09] They do a commercial where the honey note bee stings a gay cumble and fire.
[00:56:24] They were getting too close to the kids.
[00:56:34] I was waving the honey store at them and they just, they thought I was a grand marsh.
[00:56:40] Listen to me, you fucking, you queer bastards.
[00:56:54] No, just staying hydrated just means pissing all the time.
[00:57:09] No, like I got like a Yeti cooler and I got.
[00:57:17] Like a couple of years ago, like a $50 gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods.
[00:57:19] And I was like, oh, I'll get camping shit.
[00:57:29] I mean, camping shit is so fucking expensive.
[00:57:36] You know, in the woods and shit outside.
[00:57:43] But those Yeti coolers I looked at them because they look cool.
[00:57:50] I filled it up on Friday, my wedding day and there's still ice in there Sunday night.
[00:57:54] So they're like, just really good at keeping stuff cold or what?
[00:58:02] It might be something stopped from killing yourself.
[00:58:10] And it's a combination of logging off, you know, whichever peated.
[00:58:16] But I'm telling, like I mean it this time.
[00:58:22] I think like the whole act of like I'm deleting my stuff.
[00:58:26] You know, I mean, like I'll like check is I'll just like check my DMS maybe once a day, but
[00:58:29] I treat it like something I'm bored with, which I am, you know?
[00:58:34] That's the other thing is you can just think of these things as like on board by them.
[00:58:39] All these things that like fucking consume all of your time.
[00:58:48] But you can put it into practice and it's like, oh yeah, this is fucking boring and I don't
[00:58:55] Well, the thing is like you can just predict exactly what everybody on Twitter is going
[00:59:02] Like the fucking hysterectomies or whatever that story was.
[00:59:03] I knew as soon as I saw that shit that it was a private for-profit prison that had contracted
[00:59:09] with ICE and it was just some doctor who was running up bills by giving unnecessary medical
[00:59:17] But of course, everybody online was like, this is the fucking Nazis.
[00:59:25] And it's just and you know, Natalie Shore pointed that out and she had to delete the
[00:59:31] tweets because everybody was like, you white racist bitch.
[00:59:34] You know, it's just like, it's insane to me that I guess, but the flip side.
[00:59:43] Well, she did not have to, but she did.
[00:59:45] Natalie could also just be privately correct and enjoy her life.
[00:59:55] Because you know, that's going to be the fucking response.
[00:59:58] And at that point, it's like, you know, shame on you.
[01:00:04] We're over here doing Chester Cheeto dying of cancer, having a great time.
[01:00:13] Thinking about maybe I'll take a shit before I go to bed tonight, which is not, not my
[01:00:19] I'm more of an AM drop a deuce hit the scale.
[01:00:24] See how much you do it before and after.
[01:00:26] I don't weigh myself because I got body dysmorphia.
[01:00:30] You know, I'm going to say I'm just like in very like LA comic podcaster style, just
[01:00:36] like talk about my journey with body dysmorphia.
[01:00:39] Like, yeah, you know, as you know, I got body dysmorphia.
[01:00:42] So what I like to do, I can't weigh myself.
[01:00:48] Then I take a shit, weigh myself again, and they tell me how much my shit weight.
[01:00:53] And then I try to think about that because if you're really more focused on the size
[01:00:56] of the dumps you're taking, then it's kind of impossible to have body dysmorphia, right?
[01:01:03] You already shit that part of your body out.
[01:01:05] And that's like, you know, I've been reading stuff about that.
[01:01:08] I've been here and I've heard there's a guy in a read stuff and he told me about it.
[01:01:13] Man, what a tragic life for those people, huh?
[01:01:15] What to be a, well, just to be that to be in LA.
[01:01:19] Yeah, like doing a, where you're introspective.
[01:01:21] It's also too, if you do a podcast in LA, you have to like put on jeans and like brand
[01:01:32] You got to wear a fitted cap that you got for your 53rd birthday.
[01:01:37] Who was the first guy who got me to an LA that was on the show with Whitney Cummings?
[01:01:46] So when I just saw this online, when Chris to Lee got me to Brian Callan, when they came
[01:01:50] back to do the fight in the kid, he had sunglasses on because he just got a facelift.
[01:01:55] And that's just like, I don't know, this is a very LA moment.
[01:01:59] Because you got to do your fucking video podcast.
[01:02:00] Dude, we're just going to sit here and Queens getting old.
[01:02:10] New York City, being fucking, there's like, there's guys you see in like the East Village
[01:02:14] that are just like outside of like a fucking coffee shop and they're like 380 years old.
[01:02:25] Yeah, it's less sad and you're at least you're around people.
[01:02:28] If you're an old, imagine being old in Los Angeles.
[01:02:33] Did you ever just see me in a fucking, in a mob living room somewhere with wall to wall
[01:02:38] Your footsteps make the same sounds as your fucking diaper.
[01:02:43] Being like, is anyone coming to see me today?
[01:02:52] Just Norma Desmond, if she'd never done anything.
[01:02:56] You know, I wrote for an unscripted comedy show on True TV years ago.
[01:03:02] I do want to hang out in front of a coffee shop or a pork store or something drinking
[01:03:07] You know, when COVID's done, we should all do that.
[01:03:14] I'm going to continue threatening to leave New York City for the rest of my life and
[01:03:20] And then just be, yeah, one of those guys.
[01:03:23] Did you ever go to those art star open mics?
[01:03:25] They were like these variety open mics.
[01:03:28] They were in the East Village and it was like, they would be like 150 people sign up and
[01:03:35] So they were like people who like obviously thought they were great but had no talent.
[01:03:41] But they were ripped clothes that thought they were like cool.
[01:03:44] But even those people, I'm getting old in the East Village.
[01:03:50] You just stop wearing a bra and you're, you know, you're just some old bitch with floppy
[01:03:58] That thing you said Nick was so funny about how like people in New York blame global warming
[01:04:03] for why they don't want to have kids and it's like, no, you're just in your 30s and you
[01:04:06] live in Bushwick and you want to fuck 20 year olds forever.
[01:04:13] Well, I know you said that I should and but this is this is Patreon, right?
[01:04:21] Mike and Deb went into an orphanage and Mike reenacted the scene from teeth where he says,
[01:04:40] Like Deb, we can, we can two and one would just go on a vacation to China and just look
[01:04:44] down wells and eventually you'll find a daughter.
[01:04:51] Yeah, it was so funny because I was like, you weren't there, but fucking like Deb's
[01:04:55] like, she's telling her, she's like, I'm pregnant by the way.
[01:04:59] And I was like, I was like, Oh, congratulations.
[01:05:01] And I was like, you know, she was like, I'm like just about two months long.
[01:05:05] I'm like, yeah, they say you shouldn't like tell people until too much.
[01:05:08] She's like, yeah, I'm not telling anybody.
[01:05:15] Well, I hope your first child is a masculine child, Mike.
[01:05:19] And don't, don't watch a bunch of RFK junior vaccine videos because I started doing that
[01:05:28] And even if he's a trans man, he's not circumcised.
[01:05:32] I'm not, I'm not taking that COVID vaccine.
[01:05:36] But I also, I don't, I never get a flu shot either.
[01:05:40] Why aren't you taking the COVID vaccine?
[01:05:42] I'm trying to be the old guy in New York.
[01:05:45] We get rid of those guys and I move up to capo regime.
[01:05:50] That's how you become old by killing one of them with COVID.
[01:06:00] No, I'm not taking the vaccine mainly out of laziness, you know, just like the whole like,
[01:06:04] well, I don't trust Donald Trump, just like, like I'm not voting.
[01:06:08] You know, and it's like, well, you know, you have to stop.
[01:06:10] It's like, no, I'm just, I'm just not going to, I'm lazy.
[01:06:15] It's like, yeah, I will vote for somebody if I like them, but it's, it's not a protest
[01:06:21] You've just put me back in my natural state of, I don't give a shit anymore.
[01:06:30] So I'm going to vote for the most anti Israel Manhattan DA because that like became a big
[01:06:34] Like for some reason the chief prosecutor in Manhattan, a bunch of them were like, Oh,
[01:06:37] my love is real and I will prosecute BDS.
[01:06:44] That you can just like, if you run a small business in New York and you are like, this
[01:06:48] is a BDS business, we don't have fucking Sabra homeless on the craft services table, then
[01:06:56] They can certainly in Texas, it's like you can't do business with the state.
[01:07:01] And then I think it's probably the same in New York.
[01:07:03] It's like the majority of states, it's illegal to do BDS.
[01:07:09] Which is like so clearly a violation of your first amendment.
[01:07:17] But you know, yeah, when I worked at God junk, me and the guy that I worked with, like we
[01:07:22] would call the KKK board and they, we would listen to their voicemail and it would be
[01:07:27] like, you know, he'd be like, Oh, George Zimmerman's not, he got, ain't got to drop a white blow
[01:07:35] And I was like, well, I hadn't heard that take before, you know.
[01:07:37] And then one day, like the guy, we call the KKK and we hear the nights like, you've reached
[01:07:43] And then he just starts like going off on Israel.
[01:07:44] He starts going off on like the satanic state of Israel and how they get their, they get
[01:07:48] politicians that are loyal to them into office and they continue to oppress people.
[01:07:56] We were just like listening to him and we were like, all right, that one kind of made
[01:08:02] Well, broken clock is right twice a day.
[01:08:05] I'm going to plug my podcast, the sit down, check that out and follow me on Instagram at
[01:08:10] Racine Mike and at Mike Racine on Twitter.
[01:08:16] We do a podcast about billionaires, biography and dirt on them every week, sound cloud and
[01:08:22] patreon grubstakers and I'm at Twitter at Sean McCarthy.com and check out Mike's sexy