Cum Town | Premium | 10/04/2020
[00:00:07] Adam just did all the levels and everything.
[00:00:16] It's just the nuts that we had covered for a little jar.
[00:00:41] Unlike famous Los Angeles Dodgers, Sandy Kofaks, I'm playing on Yom Kippur.
[00:01:00] I don't think he was very religious, but I think it was just like a...
[00:01:07] He's so true and he'd blow every guy on the opposing team.
[00:01:09] He would tell you, you relax him and then they can't focus.
[00:01:12] I think my dad didn't say to me that the understanding is that Sandy is a homosexual.
[00:01:24] A lot of people don't remember that, but he would always come out wearing a dress and
[00:01:27] He had that crazy delivery, but really it was just his out-fuse beauty.
[00:01:36] Fire it in 98 miles of nowhere out of his ass.
[00:01:38] That's how powerful the key was hopping out of his asshole like a tie.
[00:01:43] And that's one of the greatest Jewish heroes in American history.
[00:01:46] That's the only good Jewish athlete is a man whose ass was so gay he could throw a fast one.
[00:02:01] Yeah, because we're doing a little out of, well, not only reads, but I'm also too lazy
[00:02:13] I don't feel like looking at my phone right now.
[00:02:22] We're trying out a new schedule and we will not be disclosing what that schedule is.
[00:02:26] I'm real tired from putting up curtains.
[00:02:42] I might do a little OLED action on Black Friday.
[00:02:47] There's a little Rasha Shana present for yourself.
[00:02:53] Yom Kippur is a good morning or something.
[00:03:00] The stuff's got chopsticks and he's going through Adam's...
[00:03:03] You literally digging through with the chocolate.
[00:03:10] Trail mix is a fat kid, but so funny because you're like...
[00:03:13] You feel like you're doing work to get to the M&Ms.
[00:03:19] There's not enough chocolate in here, Adam.
[00:03:24] And I don't appreciate the fat hands having a hard time reaching into the sprawl.
[00:03:30] He looks like a bear that's being killed by bees.
[00:03:32] He looks like Pooh Bear getting his hand stuck in the honey.
[00:03:35] This is Pooh Bear getting fucking annihilated by bees.
[00:03:43] When we're in chocolate, I would like more salt.
[00:03:46] So Yom Kippur is the day of a tone mate you're not supposed to eat for 25 hours.
[00:03:55] Some shit that some fucking peasants decided on.
[00:04:00] Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.
[00:04:30] That was sampled in my favorite song of fifth grade.
[00:04:33] Which was Money Ain't A Thing by Puff Daddy and Mace.
[00:04:52] Who goes into Bates like fucking 20 year olds that still believe in god.
[00:04:59] You think Richard Dawkins gets pussy from like insufferable atheist bitches?
[00:05:04] I mean why else would you grow so hard on it other than to get pussy?
[00:05:07] He probably gets pussy from like atheist goes in college who have like long necks and
[00:05:15] I'm going to just confess at the end of my life and I'm in it on a technicality.
[00:05:20] I'm going to confess to every religion.
[00:05:35] Atheist college student girls are probably busted though.
[00:05:40] Some of them have big tits but no other good features.
[00:05:43] Playing some of them are hot obviously.
[00:05:45] There's a lot of big tits atheist out there.
[00:05:57] And there was like a girl who was also a big big Palestine type type of bitch.
[00:06:12] I got a whole expenses paid trip to make you get pussy.
[00:06:15] I don't know how I had her had her trying to get pussy opinion.
[00:06:21] I'm guided like a beautiful weather vane with whatever the direction that the winds of pussy
[00:06:30] I guess my natural mode is tell them there should have stupid.
[00:06:38] No, because the reality is 98% of the time that does not work.
[00:06:44] Then some guy who does work for tricked a bunch of people that it doesn't work for you thinking
[00:06:51] But really it's just like that guy was like handsome.
[00:06:54] Well wasn't there the guy that wrote the game was just some loser who was going to study
[00:07:01] Then he saw that these guys were getting pussy and then he was like I fuck it.
[00:07:04] I think that's literally what happened.
[00:07:08] Yeah I followed up with my poo a friend from high school actually this week.
[00:07:37] Which is great to see a man getting a dove.
[00:07:43] These horrors get to run wild with the courts as far as I'm concerned.
[00:07:47] And then I asked him if he got top and he said not since COVID.
[00:08:02] Imagine what a train wreck that lady has to be a fucking former poo against both of your
[00:08:10] It was a it was pretty funny hearing him say what poo was to us and us being like dude
[00:08:27] You're not a poo unless you fucked the principal.
[00:08:32] And you find the best the biggest baddest.
[00:08:34] The captain in the football team having sex with the principal.
[00:08:38] You got to fuck some bald man in the ass.
[00:08:40] You got to grab by his little shoe horn.
[00:08:43] He not only fucked the prom queen but he also bent over Mr. Baldwin.
[00:08:55] Well I think we're going to win the big game now.
[00:09:00] Okay I had my principal was named Mr. Wilson.
[00:09:08] I'm going to make you the coolest kid in school.
[00:09:16] It's just another day that the bummy swerve is a boy who's been the wog.
[00:09:28] Go ahead and fuck me in the ass Mr. Matthews.
[00:09:42] Yeah fucking Corey or whatever his name is.
[00:09:49] Corey just he's in shock and he doesn't know what to do.
[00:09:54] And now where we left off last week and then it's back and he's still in the ass.
[00:10:01] He's not all the way in the principal's office that he's in the waiting area.
[00:10:05] And the secretary she's completely naked and she's got her.
[00:10:11] She's like I'm going to close fell off.
[00:10:15] He's like put on gay and she's like go well then go right through and see the principal.
[00:10:21] He opens his door and Mr. Feeney's bent over his desk holding his ass open.
[00:10:29] I thought for a second you might be straight Mr. Matthew.
[00:10:32] I thank God I thought you're already in the room and you didn't want to have sex with
[00:10:41] That's why this required a two-part episode.
[00:10:45] Oh dude I would have been on the edge of my seat for a week waiting.
[00:10:51] Yeah when is he going to get sucked off by the secretary?
[00:10:56] Yes Mr. Feeney the ass called 1-800-682 and vote now brought to you by Butterfingers.
[00:11:04] Enter for a chance to win a full replica of Mr. Feeney's ass that you can fuck at home.
[00:11:10] This is even though this is years before Fleshlight.
[00:11:15] Mr. Attention Mr. Feeney's ass contest lost from his Nevada.
[00:11:23] Price is subject to verification only one year for a whole household.
[00:11:46] He was one of the best disclaimer guys around.
[00:11:52] 1998 he got so into children's car from Edison.
[00:11:56] He was checked out by the second or third line.
[00:11:59] It's the Nissan fuck you in the ass event.
[00:12:03] Come on down and participating the ocean's only.
[00:12:17] I jacked off to pictures of Mr. Feeney in the movie The Grand.
[00:12:19] I was standing by the pool and he's wearing shorts.
[00:12:28] This is the first time I ever told anybody.
[00:12:37] For some reason I was watching the graduate.
[00:12:43] It's the Nissan jack off to Mr. Feeney in the graduate event.
[00:13:01] It's the thing that made me think it was 1984.
[00:13:06] Mr. Feeney, he's wearing blue shorts and he's got no shoes on.
[00:13:09] When everyone calls my eyes, it's the only image I see.
[00:13:12] I'm coming up to me in the pool telling me to get out.
[00:13:18] You can't be in there all day in this to disclaim my God.
[00:13:27] And then I could become obsessed with your day of Christian morality.
[00:13:38] Because the Islamic religion never developed logic.
[00:13:54] My sister's tits were so big that I had to jack off to Mr. Feeney.
[00:14:00] I needed something to jack off to when my sister walked by and I saw her big tits and it made me feel sick.
[00:14:04] So I went to my room and I put on the graduate.
[00:14:07] A very good movie about your day of Christian values.
[00:14:10] And I picked the least sexy scene in the movie.
[00:14:13] The part where you can see Mr. Feeney's feet.
[00:14:23] It's the Nissan sales event brought to you by Ben Shapiro.
[00:14:33] I mean, we all wanted to fuck the panga though, right?
[00:14:40] I think she was just a waker with hippie parents.
[00:14:43] But her name was supposed to be like, what?
[00:14:53] I want to fucking get shipwrecked and watch up with the panga.
[00:15:12] He was like, oh fuck, I don't know why.
[00:15:22] And I want a trip to go all the way to the set.
[00:15:31] That's a cute little haggio wearing that Mr. Shapiro album.
[00:15:41] I said, why don't you come into my trailer and you can tell me more about the Ayomica.
[00:15:58] I don't understand what's happening to him.
[00:16:05] My own button is the suit you wore here for some reason.
[00:16:11] You won the Meet Mr. Feeny contest and so you wore a suit in Ayomica.
[00:16:15] You wore a suit in Ayomica and brought a roller backpack for some reason.
[00:16:19] You have a briefcase with wheels on it.
[00:16:26] It's like somebody said, you know what's gay, a briefcase.
[00:16:32] If we make a briefcase gay, Mr. Shapiro.
[00:16:40] He helped me down and he fucked me in my mouth.
[00:16:42] And then became obsessed with today, Christian Dye.
[00:17:04] His head hanging back off his leg, upside down off a bit.
[00:17:38] There's one thing I'd like to do before you leave.
[00:17:46] I'm going to put your little baby balls in my ass.
[00:18:01] It fucked in my ass and wasn't as painful as having my nuts squeezed into Mr. Feeney's ass.
[00:18:04] He somehow was able to flex and crush my nuts.
[00:18:11] That's why I'm able to hit complete people.
[00:18:14] I'm not a storado because my nuts were crushing me.
[00:18:18] I talk like this because Mr. Feeney crushed my nuts when I was 11.
[00:18:23] After winning a contest or wasn't a contest, I would just write in to correct the things on the show.
[00:18:34] Because I would pay attention to what homework was assigned to the show to Corey.
[00:18:40] And then do the fictional homework myself and send it in to be graded by the writers for extra credit.
[00:18:46] And demanded that they write to my teacher at Jewish school of Judaism in Israel.
[00:18:54] The gold of my hair is Jewish school for Israel.
[00:18:57] The best is real school of Jewish every Israel school.
[00:19:03] Which receives 50 million dollars a year from the public school system.
[00:19:09] Redirected from the public school system so that black kids can have lunch.
[00:19:22] The school for extraordinary Jewish boys.
[00:19:50] I'm just trying to where I wanted to end up is making a bench of hair or making a declarative
[00:19:56] statement about what Mr. Feeney's penis tastes like.
[00:19:59] Defending it by saying you can make a reasonable assumption as to what Mr. Feeney's penis tastes
[00:20:04] like without actually having to have sucked Mr. Feeney's penis.
[00:20:08] It doesn't prove anything just because I went into a fugue state and described Mr. Feeney's penis in detail.
[00:20:14] The fact that I knew that it tasted like a gnocchi mushrooms.
[00:20:18] Using Judeo-Christian logic is entirely possible to create an argument through reason to describe
[00:20:25] exactly what Mr. Feeney's penis tastes looks and smells like.
[00:20:28] You didn't have any first-hand experience.
[00:20:32] I brought on a toddler to debate me about it.
[00:20:41] Maybe if you actually read my book you would know that he just made me put my balls in his hands.
[00:20:52] That part was retracted in a later edition of the book.
[00:20:58] That was an editorial error which any author has afforded at least 15 mistakes.
[00:21:04] It was an editorial error that I put in three whole chapters.
[00:21:08] Four and a half chapters describing getting fucked in the mouth by Mr. Feeney and describing
[00:21:12] his penis in detail was what is commonly known as a typo.
[00:21:17] Not, I'd be happy to direct you to a Wikipedia page for typos.
[00:21:21] Ben Shapiro destroys baby that says he got raped by Mr. Feeney.
[00:21:31] It's not rape it was consensual and it didn't even have.
[00:21:37] I put my balls in his ass which is a J.O. Christian tradition.
[00:21:41] It's a J.O. Christian tradition tradition tradition.
[00:21:47] It sounds like he turned out your boy Pussy.
[00:21:54] Little did I know I was going to get my balls put into my different ass.
[00:22:07] I used to fantasize about holding hands with a panga.
[00:22:11] And what that would result in is the slightest amount of blood,
[00:22:15] an appropriate amount of blood entering my penis.
[00:22:17] Which is not an erection so it's not a sin.
[00:22:20] I knew that I was never going to have an erection until I got married.
[00:22:24] Are you not allowed to have a premarital sex?
[00:22:31] But instead of meeting a panga, my balls were crushed.
[00:22:39] Much like Sandy Kofax, Mr. Feeney used to be an asshole pitcher.
[00:22:56] Yeah, this is kind of what we had to do.
[00:22:59] This is kind of the agreement we had to strike up with Mr. Feeney.
[00:23:02] The only way we could get him not rape the kids on the cast is to bring him a fresh boy every week.
[00:23:09] There's two, I have two demands on the show.
[00:23:11] Obviously no one's watching this if you remember from me.
[00:23:17] Is that the feed guy from the graduate?
[00:23:28] That guy with the sexy feet from the graduate?
[00:23:31] That's not a single other movie I can think that he was in.
[00:23:39] That's literally the only other reference I have for that actor.
[00:23:44] Yeah, I think he was in something that was old.
[00:23:48] I remember there was an actor strike and he was the head of sex.
[00:24:06] Too bad he consensually had sex with an atmosphere.
[00:24:09] 17-year-old Benjamin would probably look 9 at the time.
[00:24:15] I would like it if you remove my balls from your ass.
[00:24:18] At least kiss me if you're going to fuck me.
[00:24:22] I brought my own non-disclosure agreement that I will sign.
[00:24:25] As part of my homework, I'd like drafting contracts.
[00:24:30] This week I did a non-disclosure agreement coincidentally about my own rape.
[00:24:37] Call a serendipitous, but I already written up in detail how Mr. Feeney would put my balls in his ass.
[00:24:47] No, it's just the universe coming together.
[00:24:49] It's the stars aligning and beautiful symphony.
[00:25:00] By age 11 I've written every contract ever.
[00:25:06] One that demanded an 11-year-old boy never tells anyone that Mr. Feeney made him put his balls in his ass.
[00:25:16] And I was on my way to take it to the framing store to get it.
[00:25:24] Right next to the first dollar I ever had sex with.
[00:25:27] And I stopped by and said, boy needs world.
[00:25:34] Because I had won the letter to the homework doing content.
[00:25:46] My mind, this is quite the contract Mr. Shapiro.
[00:25:56] Now by law you have to let me squeeze your balls with my ass.
[00:26:02] It's here and playing black and white angels.
[00:26:11] Imagine if I had to do that just being Harvey Weinstein
[00:26:14] and just going up to an actress is an NDA that says,
[00:26:16] I will not tell anyone Harvey Weinstein raped me.
[00:26:19] And then he's like, could you just sign this?
[00:26:24] And then she's like, all right, she signs it.
[00:26:27] And then he's like, but no, I mean it says...
[00:26:35] I checked with my lawyer and he's like...
[00:26:41] Now this contract is invalid unless I rape you.
[00:26:48] They call that a catch 22, Mrs. Shapiro.
[00:26:52] Mrs. Shapiro, did you read the fine print?
[00:26:57] I'm planning on growing up to be a disclaimer guy.
[00:27:04] So I love reading nothing but fine print in a conference.
[00:27:09] You're probably wondering how I got it.
[00:27:13] Is it the name getting his balls squeezed?
[00:27:17] Mr. Finney pitching his nipples with his...
[00:27:24] You're probably wondering how I got my balls squeezed.
[00:27:31] Ever since I was a young boy I just wanted to be a disclaimer guy.
[00:27:34] Ever since I was a young kid I wanted to get my balls squeezed by Mr. Finney.
[00:27:40] Oh, I'm here to see my good friend, Mr. Finney.
[00:27:50] Oh, what do we have here for the visitor?
[00:27:52] Oh, somebody sent to the principal's room.
[00:28:03] She went to pay attention to the character.
[00:28:31] The college years, the red head does pornography now.
[00:28:48] It's right here, and you've got them completely hard in the yarmulke.
[00:28:52] Because I glued to the tip of his face.
[00:28:54] And he's jumping up trying to reach it.
[00:28:58] It's glued by dried nuts into the tip of his...
[00:29:02] He's like you're going to have to spit on him.
[00:29:04] And then I'll apply it to the top of your head like a contact lens.
[00:29:19] My ass is getting hungry for boy balls again.
[00:29:34] Prince Mafini, your penis is resting on the PA system again.
[00:29:48] I need somebody who's very good at really quickly saying that what I said wasn't the truth.
[00:29:56] The prior, now it's my moment, Mr. Feeney was a complete falsehood.
[00:30:06] I'm going to call my friend the commercials incorporated.
[00:30:13] So all of these actresses that want to complain about being raped,
[00:30:16] remember that that's how you got where you are.
[00:30:19] I wouldn't be Ben Shapiro if I didn't put my balls in Mr. Feeney's ass.
[00:30:24] And he was commenting on watching Jeff Goldblum,
[00:30:28] glue my yarmulke out of my head with his collar.
[00:30:32] And he accidentally made an address over the PA system in school.
[00:30:47] Listen, I didn't know idea about that origin story.
[00:31:17] You're watching again and again and again.
[00:31:19] Jeff stays he and though dude he's on fucking he's got apartments.com that
[00:31:27] commercial yeah he's out there man I'm sick of seeing him yeah there was a nice
[00:31:32] moment and it's too much now I know he's become like Chuck Norris me for he's
[00:31:39] even know what he is even gay or it's not Chuck Norris it's Bill Murray yeah it's
[00:31:44] like Bill oh look I wonder when Jeff Goldblum's gonna show up to be random
[00:31:48] yeah he's got a little random yeah he's now he's now dressing too young yeah
[00:31:53] he's like George to Kai yeah yes I told you this I told that story when I was
[00:31:58] working at the BSO doing telefunding and they would like bring a bush brochure
[00:32:03] buy and like let you like you could go there like oh because you work in
[00:32:07] telephony you can go see shit at the B I'm like no I'm good like you don't
[00:32:13] want to look now it's free no I don't care no I have to go get drunk I'm
[00:32:17] listen to a clown that was raped in the military I'm going to do it I'll be
[00:32:22] across the street authorities I don't care but yeah they like I guess they had
[00:32:28] George to Kai coming in there to say memes or whatever mm-hmm there was a guy
[00:32:32] I worked with who like just was looking over the brochure and he was like oh
[00:32:35] George to Kai oh yeah I've told this story a million times that's burned into
[00:32:41] my memory yeah it's just looking over that guy that little squeal of the light
[00:32:45] I cannot wait to get the doeries fucking like just embarrass myself having
[00:32:54] casual conversation with the black eye I'm shooting pool with we're doing that
[00:32:59] getting trash with just some black eye and shooting pool with doerties was he
[00:33:04] dropping knowledge on you no he was just like I just moved here from Atlanta
[00:33:07] I'm like Atlanta's beautiful place you've been there I'm like man no I've heard
[00:33:12] it's nice everyone says good stuff I've heard I've heard good things and that's
[00:33:19] like those are the things I would regret when I woke up in the morning is like
[00:33:22] basic social skills right like me while you were driving drunk
[00:33:26] for the whole time you never catch me alive just backing into a mailbox I'm
[00:33:36] running over again fuck hold on damn yeah very good master should be a good
[00:33:47] business that's good for those of fun little that was a fun little journey yeah
[00:33:50] yeah she the boy yeah we'll just fucking kill time for this 20 minutes there's a
[00:33:54] lot of people to say this show is formulaic tell me what formula that
[00:34:00] coming what formula went into that mr. Genius that it's the same joke every
[00:34:13] but this time Jeff Goldblum is there yep and conservative pundit Ben Shapiro
[00:34:19] that's right that's because that's because we have good politics we do we're
[00:34:24] really working in foremost we're probably some fucking retard to listen
[00:34:27] to Chappo that here's this making fun of Ben Shapiro and he's like yes yes I
[00:34:33] knew it yes we're doing it to be absolutely wrong way it's a socialist
[00:34:37] show I knew it he is gay the left he was raised
[00:34:42] yeah I can't wait until that shoots over it's like people talking about oh we have
[00:34:52] fascism I fucking hope so I hope that if you if you mention the government in
[00:34:58] any way you're shot to death should be like no there should be single party
[00:35:04] control and the one party is like one guy mmm it's a guy named like fucking
[00:35:09] Ed or something okay and he's like yeah we're subsidizing toilet paper and
[00:35:15] you're not allowed to be ooze back anymore all right and then somebody's
[00:35:19] like why ooze back and I kill him and he's dead I'm fine with it and then fucking
[00:35:23] like you know no more do we ever have to have any of these conversations
[00:35:27] interesting people are like we deserve health care it's like well then shut
[00:35:30] the fuck up and maybe Ed will change it changes mind just wait wait it's gonna
[00:35:36] get a paper cut he won't be able to get a band aid and then we'll have fucking
[00:35:40] health care until then shut up what we need is a God absolutely you know we
[00:35:45] need a spust a dumb God mm-hmm and not an all-knowing God and nothing knowing
[00:35:51] God yeah yeah a vengeful God yes a mentally disabled you don't want to get
[00:35:58] a mad yeah we have to give him gifts well he doesn't get I don't want to be in
[00:36:02] fear I imagine God has down syndrome you know that's why the world fucked up
[00:36:07] yeah and there's like hurricanes and shit he's like I'm sorry that is honestly
[00:36:10] the best solution to why God let's bad things happen he just overwhelmed and
[00:36:15] he's not like good yeah he's trying his best let's look for a tear set after the
[00:36:19] earthquake of of Lisbon yeah really say God is a retar absolutely that's what
[00:36:24] he said God's a fucking absolutely God's a retard I remember that yeah oh yeah
[00:36:29] well tear that's a pretty cool name it's fucked up he doesn't have like
[00:36:33] electric superpowers I don't know what he looks like but I imagine him like
[00:36:37] yeah as for the the the electric rat character from Darkwing Duck he's got
[00:36:44] plugs on the top of his outlet plugs I was just expecting I was just thinking
[00:36:49] of some fucking guy with white what was that characters name I remember I was
[00:36:52] obsessed I don't remember that character actually I was I guess I was a casual
[00:36:57] Darkwing Duck fan but I liked it I watched all five Twilight movies this
[00:37:02] week why I never seen him are they any good I thought that first I thought
[00:37:08] they were some of them were pretty mega vault it's mega magic there's fights you
[00:37:13] know there's no you don't you touch so can I see a picture mega wolf there's
[00:37:16] like a horniness it's people not being able to fuck I don't want that yeah
[00:37:20] there's not getting busted but then she finally gets fucked in movie a three
[00:37:25] or four but actually what happens is so she's in love with a wolf and a vampire
[00:37:29] right and they're both like teenage boys and they both love her and then she
[00:37:34] decides on the vampire right and then she in the vampires like I can't fuck you
[00:37:39] because I'm so strong I don't want to kill you right she's like she has to train
[00:37:43] her right his head oh yeah it's like a plug and he's got a battery on his back
[00:37:49] yeah yeah anyway that did something for me as a young retarded boy yeah because
[00:37:54] there he had tech on him no I don't know it's like because it's a thing that's
[00:37:57] a different thing so it's a rat that's also an outlet that is literally the
[00:38:05] fucking Ben Affleck from the accountant describing why the dog's playing poker
[00:38:10] is fun it's because dogs don't play poker that's why it's funny anyway so the
[00:38:17] wolf and the vampire want to fuck her and then she finally choose the vampire
[00:38:21] and he's like I can't fuck you and then finally she's like you need to fuck me
[00:38:24] he fucks her and then she has this monster baby inside of her and it's
[00:38:28] killing her because she's still human and so it's like he didn't even pull
[00:38:32] itself no he busts inside right that's why she gets pregnant immediately and
[00:38:36] then and then you know there's this like whatever it's killing her and then to
[00:38:41] save her he like bites her be right back I'm gonna make sure another man to
[00:38:44] Renoir and all right go for it go for it bites her makes her an event by right so
[00:38:48] then the wolf guy right everyone's like this way so she's a man so now she's a
[00:38:53] shot she's vampire but the baby was born from a regular bitch right out of
[00:39:00] her I thought she was super to baby was super strong babies have vampire
[00:39:03] have a right and so then so the wolf guys like horny and pissed he didn't get
[00:39:09] the chick and then there's this thing in in a twilight called imprinting right
[00:39:14] whereas like you see someone and then that they're they're gonna you are gonna
[00:39:18] want to fuck them for like the rest of their existence right nice and so then
[00:39:22] the wolf teenage boy like he's like jacked and stuff he sees the baby he's
[00:39:26] like going to kill the baby because the baby's evil half their babies evil well
[00:39:30] like that's what they think that's what they think right and then the wolf sees
[00:39:33] the baby and then he's like baby's hot he's like oh my god I want to fuck that
[00:39:37] I swear to god this is what happens and so then the wolf and it's just the
[00:39:44] wolf is in love with a little girl and he's giving her Christmas presents they're
[00:39:48] all hanging out together it's so it's so straight up grooming a baby he's
[00:39:53] grooming a vampire human baby to be his mate then they're like in love and then
[00:39:59] at the end of twilight after the last big battle you see the baby grown up and
[00:40:04] she's with the wolf and now they're pretty well not their boyfriend hit me up if
[00:40:07] you want to come over and eat percocet and watch the witch the witch rocks
[00:40:11] dude dude I miss I miss a bitch dude I miss it's weird I've talked I talked about
[00:40:16] before I can't like I can't say that I like that movie but I will watch it
[00:40:20] over what is that why can't you say like I don't know this is like something maybe
[00:40:24] I do like it if you watch it over and over again you like it bro yeah probably
[00:40:28] that's what liking some movie is that's not the witcher no no witch would I like
[00:40:35] to live deliciously that kind of shit with that guy with the deep ass voice
[00:40:40] yeah I won't go my daughter will no grow up to be a faggot yeah yeah the
[00:40:48] the witch fucking rocked cocky cocky yeah but I didn't know that there was just
[00:40:53] such casual pedophilia and so he why why so do our werewolves immortal as well
[00:40:59] it's not clear if werewolves are immortal but he looks the same age but the baby
[00:41:04] half vampire have human grows up really fast so like she's like six months old
[00:41:08] but she looks like she's like ten you know interesting yeah so he so he
[00:41:13] fucks it when she's like four weeks it looks 18 yeah he waits till she looks
[00:41:17] eight at the end of it but the fights the fights are pretty cool I got to say
[00:41:24] there's like good like crashing tiger style flips and shit I watch
[00:41:29] crashing tiger actually I haven't seen that in a while I was I was constantly
[00:41:33] I watched that on Christmas day one year in the theater nice once it goes he
[00:41:37] all pissed dude there won't be Christmas I've been my tradition for three years
[00:41:41] doing mushrooms and watching dude obviously I can't believe we don't get the
[00:41:45] Christmas season I love the Christmas season this is fun the city is so nice
[00:41:49] during that week between Christmas history open if you're not here by the
[00:41:53] way I was in fucking Times Square the other day it's packed with tours really
[00:41:57] really yeah it's like it's just wearing masks no they're not wearing masks no I
[00:42:02] love him it's fucking time square looks exactly the way it did on Sunday is
[00:42:07] Elmo back and stuff I didn't see Elmo I mean I was moving I was going to the
[00:42:11] park I sat in Central Park and watch the softball game it's nice that's nice you
[00:42:15] know what I did a couple weeks ago I did some guy try to have a conversation
[00:42:19] with me some other guy you should like about the game well he was like it's so
[00:42:22] nice to see I'm like yeah did you just watch anything I mean you know it's like
[00:42:25] so deprived of entertainment or whatever and he's like yeah it's just
[00:42:29] you know beautiful to see humanity I'm like okay well I'm gonna shut up he kept
[00:42:34] trying to make that point he's like it's very good to talk to you know I'm like
[00:42:38] already like 25 feet away yeah watch enough of this take it easy
[00:42:44] take a listen yeah I'm not having any of these talks pal I did a north central
[00:42:50] park which I never really done like the Harlem side the black shot he was afraid
[00:42:54] of it no no no it's like it's like it's like four Adam K just Adam jogging and
[00:43:00] every time a stick breaks he's like he has a good central part five is the
[00:43:03] future gun that he shoots yeah I'm talking with a fucking AR-15 oh it's the
[00:43:09] woods part it's pretty cool they have like Brooks going through trails and
[00:43:14] stuff it's nice central parking is fucking beautiful should I should I
[00:43:18] move into central park yeah I would love to live in that shit go can you be
[00:43:23] like the homeless lady from home alone the turtle the
[00:43:41] that's a good place and she's scary at the beginning when he sees you and then
[00:43:44] she's a good guy and he turns out that you can stink and be a good guy yeah it's
[00:43:50] a big lesson that I learned from home loan to home loan to how's my favorite
[00:43:55] move is kid Trump's in that movie yeah my favorite movie is a kid or present
[00:44:00] that's weird a home loan to predicted don't be allowed it predicted him is
[00:44:04] I'll be back you faggot kid I'll be the president yeah is he black also what was
[00:44:10] that he walks into the plaza I think one yeah I know he's in it yeah I
[00:44:15] fuck I am as like places that like predicted Donald Trump will be president
[00:44:18] just a cast on the show is a part of the Simpsons yeah yeah yeah people like wow
[00:44:23] wow when it's like yes weird that anyone could ever predict that an idiot
[00:44:28] billionaire would be the president of the United States who would have thought
[00:44:32] that it would just be some rich guy yeah with no other quite eventually we'd
[00:44:36] just be distilled to no qualifications other than let's cut the middle man out
[00:44:41] it's just a rich it's just a rich guy yeah yeah well it's gonna be fucking
[00:44:46] stuttering Joe hopefully even though I don't even know if I believe it I
[00:44:50] thought it was cool that he called this he's not gonna get blown out dude he's
[00:44:55] gonna get blown out he's gonna get blown out I don't think he's gonna get blown
[00:44:58] out absolutely fucking like lose his worst in Hillary you think yes wow yeah I
[00:45:03] don't believe fuck dude that's he wins that's what that's what the Mullen
[00:45:09] money's on the Mullen money the smart money did yeah the money put it you
[00:45:13] heard that folks take fucking no this is my opinion based on not looking at any
[00:45:18] of the news recently at all yeah it has never been wrong I'm not paying
[00:45:23] attention to this shit oh don't care yeah oh yeah I my knee jerk reaction
[00:45:29] just Trump absolutely fuck this choice I hope that is what I think to like in
[00:45:34] my heart but I hope it doesn't happen I think the more you check out the more
[00:45:38] in touch you are with the average voter yeah that's a good point I'm pretty
[00:45:42] checked out I don't even fucking have the Twitter app anymore right there are
[00:45:46] like a percentage of people that vote that like find out who's running like
[00:45:50] the week those people rock those the best people I call that an active retarded
[00:45:57] god yeah they this and that's what they call like that's the undecided voter is
[00:46:01] just like the the dumbest people they just decide they say oh it's November
[00:46:05] oh shit down his son down from Obama down a sec ex my mockinga is really cool
[00:46:13] the best ex back here yeah damn I wanted to fuck the robot next mock you know yeah
[00:46:19] yeah there are two sexy ones right she really did my boy wrong dude I just
[00:46:25] wanted to lose a guy not Isaac Oscar Isaac who's the other guy I hated that
[00:46:29] Simon butter bean he looks like a Simon that guy Simon
[00:46:35] hot dude some Simon Trinsylvania is an actor I think damn I can't believe
[00:46:41] Oscar Isaac often that's by a fucking robot he built Michael Waldo is I was
[00:46:45] really his name yeah Waldo Michael Waldo yeah that's a hilarious name yeah is he
[00:47:00] he's in a good movie he's in the movie Bert Chintis oh yeah it's about a Chinese
[00:47:08] guy he's a guy you should in about a guy named Vaughn Vaughn Earp okay who is he's
[00:47:16] he's an elevator painter ah-ha makes his my makes those money painting the
[00:47:22] inside's of elevators oh okay and one day he gets trapped in the elevator and
[00:47:26] it's not really like you know the doors open and this like 300 year old black
[00:47:32] eye like to save them and he's because he's about to suffocate on the paint
[00:47:37] for course because he's a fresh mural anything he's like you about to die now
[00:47:41] I thought it was locked he's like you just got to press the button and then he
[00:47:46] go walks out on the floor and it's a floor the building has never been he's
[00:47:49] keep in mind he's been painting this elevator for years it's gonna be his
[00:47:53] magma mopis yeah and so everybody the Catholic church hired him to paint the
[00:47:57] elevator oh wow it's it's just in an office building yeah but the Catholic
[00:48:02] church at this point this story takes place in the year 3000 and the Catholic
[00:48:06] church owns all the way to the game Brett at this point the current's
[00:48:17] okay and the painter's name is Vaughn herb and then you he's always like you
[00:48:24] know he's discovering that like you know he's he has to prove that he's not
[00:48:28] dead because he comes out of the elevator and like you know he thinks he's saved
[00:48:33] yeah he's on this floor he's never been on his face it's the stairs back down
[00:48:36] when he gets outside everything's the same but the only difference is from
[00:48:41] what he remembers prior to being locked in the elevator and before it is this
[00:48:45] new floor in the building right so he thinks possibly he's gone to a new
[00:48:49] dimension and then he's like he's goes he's like well I guess I'll get trashed
[00:48:54] and he goes to a bar immediately after and they're like we're gonna need to
[00:48:58] see some ID pal you look kind of Chinese to me and of course it's the future they
[00:49:03] they they they expect the audience to understand that it's no longer 21 is the
[00:49:08] age of drink it's not being charged by Chinese yeah of course it's based on who
[00:49:12] has the who's the end of the booze who has the enzymes to process the alcohol
[00:49:17] right like if if Jewish people drink milk in this you get killed I mean
[00:49:22] theoretically they've all they've that's a law they finished the plan in about a
[00:49:26] thousand years prior what do you mean the plan so none of them there's not that
[00:49:30] but just as a point of example so he goes to get trashed and he pulls out his
[00:49:34] ID and instead of Vaughn Earp it says Bert Chintis oh he's like who's Bert
[00:49:47] the guy at the bars look at it he's like I don't know it sounds kind of Chinese
[00:49:51] Wow that's a good movie that's I would see that I would love to just go to a bar
[00:50:01] and tell somebody that is a joke yeah and then have that much line yeah
[00:50:07] Bartender says I don't know so it's kind of Chinese to me the guys like you
[00:50:12] have a stroke like that I'm just telling you a fucking street joke telling you a
[00:50:17] joke it's a fucking joke about a movie called Bertchin
[00:50:21] yeah you have a honor so we got the name of the this guy sitting around being
[00:50:26] like four gay guys walking a bar they flipped the stool overs you know they
[00:50:30] all take a seat right now I'm a boy you ever hear the one about the movie
[00:50:38] you just going to even more detail than you just did you talk for about 12
[00:50:43] minutes uninterrupted and they're like and he was Chinese no he wasn't
[00:50:47] Chinese is the bartender just says oh I don't know it sounds kind of Chinese
[00:50:51] oh so he's wait to be clear and then he doesn't turn Chinese and then everybody's
[00:50:55] laughing and they're just fucking wiping it by the way like wait a minute so they
[00:50:59] killed all the Jews a thousand and prior to like yeah that's part of the joke
[00:51:03] yeah it's pretty necessary in the joke because you got to explain the lactose
[00:51:07] intolerance yep yep it's called misdirection and I'm available I'm also
[00:51:12] an illusionist oh for wedding and this is this your wallet and then you pull out
[00:51:18] is this my penis this is the only thing is why you're sucking a guy's cock
[00:51:24] it's like yeah yeah I paid you thirty dollars to suck it just pretend it was
[00:51:29] a magic trick now I'm gonna make the Empire State Building disappear really
[00:51:34] that was like part of the tricks was like you know you mean you would edit it
[00:51:37] out of the commercial yeah you would just move the camera yeah like on a dolly
[00:51:42] you would just be on a dolly that was so fucking stupid even as a kid I was like
[00:51:47] that's not they can't do that I still don't get it why cuz they'd have an
[00:51:52] audience there in the audience would be like where to go you know how they do
[00:51:56] that to the audience then that are clearly not in on I'm trying I'm trying
[00:52:09] I want to see the whole day we went to New York I'm gonna see the whole damn
[00:52:21] state building every damn floor of the state building except that that fucked up
[00:52:35] for a hundred chances would they make you china I'm not you know that's a that's
[00:52:40] a good movie dude y'all seen the y'all see you bird you see
[00:52:44] British that remind me of a Bert Chinta y'all see that movie bro
[00:52:53] I'm just a little confused he's just named Bert Chintas but it's the same guy who
[00:53:02] becomes a Chinese guy now he's the same guy everything's the same except there's
[00:53:06] a floor he's ever been to and now his name's Bert Chintas okay and he's not
[00:53:10] sure if he's dead or if he's traveled to another I see I see either way he can't
[00:53:14] get shit face at the bar because that he's named now sounds a little Chinese
[00:53:18] sounds Chinese okay yeah I love it I love that as a concept
[00:53:26] you really want about a movie called Bert Chinta you're presenting it as a joke
[00:53:33] too is awesome yeah like please the one about and then they and then the camera
[00:53:39] pans out even the fur and it's just a guy to bar telling a joke it's not a
[00:53:45] movie at all it's not even a man's you got trying to ingratiate himself to
[00:53:51] black guy before getting in his turt cell and smashing a fucking smashing
[00:53:56] fucking just a pin city paper machine I like the idea of somebody being a like
[00:54:03] a serious elevator painter mmm mmm have you ever been to one elevator that's
[00:54:08] painted nicely I never in my life I don't think they exist maybe like a fancy
[00:54:13] that's why that's why I said that right I could see it though being a thing but
[00:54:18] even a fancy elevator isn't painted it's just like marble it's one of those fake
[00:54:21] jobs you combine two things so make sure it's never real when you said
[00:54:25] elevator painter I thought it was a guy that just does like like a looney
[00:54:28] tunes tunnel like a female president or a doctor Mario yeah well there could be
[00:54:34] a doctor Mario yeah my doctor in Baltimore how funny is a Genzo that there was a
[00:54:38] doctor version of Mario before there is a girl version of the president yeah
[00:54:44] this the imagination ran so wild that even an Italian could be a medical
[00:54:48] professional just a autistic or online being like we already have a girl
[00:54:52] version of Yoshi and we don't even have a girl president yet girl Yoshi's what's
[00:54:57] her face murder and then that girl I was she's not girl Yoshi you fucking
[00:55:02] retard she's got that nose and pussy and then that girl becomes my wife mmm
[00:55:07] the one that bullies the autistic yes the mean you let him fight it out like
[00:55:12] Alexander the Great with all his generals Alexander the grape I'll be a
[00:55:21] hotel guy make that argument that he was Alexander the Great because he was from
[00:55:26] Africa because he was fruity because he was dark yeah oh I see dark like yeah
[00:55:32] red right or purple grape purple grape in California raisins are supposed to
[00:55:38] be I mean they're clear it's clear what that was there Jasmine mm-hmm oh yeah
[00:55:45] Alexander he was gay though yeah he sucks that's a gay name Alexander yeah you go
[00:55:53] Alex if you're straight never lost a single battle except the one in the closet
[00:55:58] that's right except the one to fucking against temptation chlamydia mm-hmm he
[00:56:04] got he just had a fever right read like I went I went I got lunch in Chelsea the
[00:56:09] other day mm-hmm and there's only four types of conversations people in Chelsea
[00:56:14] have at restaurants number one about somebody's relative coming out number
[00:56:20] two about Fire Island yeah number three just straight up about gay sex and number
[00:56:26] four about New York City real estate hell yeah they're so rich those should I
[00:56:31] move to Chelsea become gay you should come and then have lunch with guys that
[00:56:36] look exactly like yeah and just talk shit about every like every single
[00:56:42] person you guys know which I guess is pretty much what they don't though they
[00:56:45] do it's the four things I said no they talk shit dude like his only his nephew
[00:56:50] just came out huh and then send him my way you know it's just a lot of right
[00:56:54] right and then it's like yeah I like this is like fire island but it's
[00:56:59] different mm-hmm and really he got that place for 1.1 but you know it's not
[00:57:07] those dudes are at 1.1 yeah 1.1 inches no I have more than that yeah 5.7 thank
[00:57:16] you very much you add into that number baby yeah you said no no I think you
[00:57:20] took off a 0.05 thank you thank you I've heard you say 5.75 75 and it's very
[00:57:27] humble every day of the week incredibly humble I don't believe that there's
[00:57:31] any penis larger than 5.5 inches I got a nice five and three quarters be cool
[00:57:38] make a movie about like Ford versus Ferrari I watched that by the way and but
[00:57:43] it's good and when I say a movie like Ford versus Ferrari I just mean the
[00:57:46] cover of Ford versus okay okay not the actual movie right and there's nothing
[00:57:51] to do with the movie and in this version Christian Bale's character and Matt
[00:57:54] Damon's character both have five and a half inch long penises and they're
[00:57:59] constantly measuring him and for the last it's like the mid 60s mm-hmm and they
[00:58:03] just invented rulers so they keep coming up with new rulers that have even
[00:58:08] smaller and smaller because they like one of them's like 5.5.168.234 and then
[00:58:15] they're they've been neck and neck for years they're trying to get the smallest
[00:58:18] ruler and Ford's like yeah Ford's like we just beat the Nazis we can make a
[00:58:26] ruler that makes his penis look marginally bigger
[00:58:30] it's not there's no way to throw it if you're a mo I was always real voices yeah
[00:58:36] he sounds like that he sounds British okay all right then I'm not mad at him in
[00:58:40] the room if you add more inches to the ruler then it makes your penis look
[00:58:46] smaller you want a smaller ruler with more numbers in between the numbers it's
[00:58:53] as simple as that Mike any of you Harvard scientists figure that out on the room
[00:59:00] I just get worn up by a British guy that's sharing a tooth with his wife I'm
[00:59:05] carib 1130 my penis is five four five and four five two six five five. The name of
[00:59:10] the movie is penis that's right yes it is I want thank you all for coming out
[00:59:23] here today excuse me I broke my sunglasses trying to see my penis in the
[00:59:27] back that's how I made bar one of your sunglasses I was trying to use my
[00:59:32] my pain, my, my, my sunglasses, magnifying.
[00:59:35] Puts it, so he puts his own side, puts the borrow sunglasses from the audience, puts him
[00:59:40] And he was like, oh, well, he's like, probably one of the smallest sticks you've ever seen.
[00:59:54] I'm Carol Shelby and I have the perfect penis.
[01:00:03] It's just a fucking Christian Bale sitting in a bathroom with his nine-year-old son.
[01:00:08] He's like, see, some of them have a curve.
[01:00:11] And when the curve, you have to take a couple of inches off one side and add it to the other.
[01:00:24] Eventually you get so good at measuring, you don't even need a ruler.
[01:00:32] You're looking at a clock and you know 5.5.
[01:00:39] The numbers just start coming and it's like music.
[01:00:47] It's just a scene where there's like, I don't know, fucking Jennifer Connolly at a bar and
[01:00:55] The bar just has been anous for a second.
[01:01:14] She's just enthralled listening to his description without a measure of cock while using a banana.
[01:01:33] That's too funny for me to even get through.
[01:01:35] As I can see, a penis is just starting to measure it at the base.
[01:01:42] Does everybody measure it at the asshole?
[01:01:48] If you want to be at home, maybe tell some lies on the internet, go for it.
[01:01:51] But we're a serious man doing serious penis measure business.
[01:01:58] I should start measuring it the good shit.
[01:02:00] And then before he can seal, before he can seal.
[01:02:02] He can feel a little thick under there.
[01:02:03] You measure it from the ball dick part?
[01:02:05] Before he can seal the deal, the door is so loon kicks open.
[01:02:08] It's like, show me, you British friend.
[01:02:12] He accidentally measured his dick too hard for severing his dick artery.
[01:02:24] I was just like fucking, he's waiting in the hospital.
[01:02:27] His hands are mouth and the wife and the son come in.
[01:02:39] I don't even understand what that could possibly mean.
[01:02:57] This is the first ruler we ever shared.
[01:03:00] There's a moment between 0 and 5.5 inches.
[01:03:06] I thought you said you just watched it.
[01:03:07] I watched it, but I was fucking high as shit.
[01:03:09] It was coming up with a penis versus penis in your head.
[01:03:17] I would fucking hire Christian Bale and Matt Damon.
[01:03:23] The budget would be the same as Ford versus Ferrari.
[01:03:29] They're doing all this penis measuring at Lamont for some reason.
[01:03:38] Just fucking measuring each other's cocks.
[01:04:14] And what else would be good is if you came to see me at the Wuhaha and Worcester,
[01:04:29] I'll also be at in Royersford, Pennsylvania.
[01:04:39] And somewhere in Connecticut before the Wuhaha, check out Stavi.biz.
[01:04:48] And yes, timey.biz slash tourist, timey.biz for T-shirts as well.
[01:04:54] Let's get some fucking shows going before October ends and we all have to go back inside.
[01:05:01] I'll perform outside in an amphitheater.
[01:05:07] There's a bunch of homeless guys there.
[01:05:12] I'm just going to wait to see what happens.
[01:05:15] I'm not going to degrade myself in the doing.
[01:05:22] The outdoor shows actually are pretty good.
[01:05:23] If I'm doing an outdoor show, it's me on the top of the mountain and you have to take
[01:05:33] How much would you charge for six days up there?
[01:05:42] That's kind of outdoor show, aren't you?
[01:05:46] That's a show I'm interested in seeing.
[01:05:47] And then it's like the end of the movie The One, which at least throwing all those different
[01:05:56] Yeah, with that actor who's like the not Lawrence Fishburn guy.
[01:06:19] And that guy was in like, it was crazy because he was in dead presidents and then nothing
[01:06:43] He also was on TV all the time, I feel like.
[01:06:53] The guy from Living single didn't really do much.
[01:06:56] He was the voice of Kratos for a long time.
[01:07:04] And then they replaced him with that guy Tik-Tik-Tik-Tik call from Stargate One, the gay black alien.
[01:07:14] I used to think I was the only person that watched that show.
[01:07:25] I would see that show come on all the time as a kid.
[01:07:33] It was like there's no way I could ever get invested.
[01:07:35] Maybe it was too serial and that's why it didn't work in like a syndicate.
[01:07:43] Yeah, they had Kurt Russell in the movie and they replaced him with the guy that played
[01:07:53] That was a good Twitter avatar when you had the guy that played Tik-Tik-Tik-Tik-Tik.
[01:08:03] But I barely remember that and I remember people thinking I was actually black.
[01:08:09] A crime that had been accused of many things.
[01:08:12] You're currently doing I'll never stop I still every time I see with a you tweet
[01:08:18] I'm like wow Chris Bosch has a pretty gay joke
[01:08:29] This is you to besmirch the good name of mr. Chris Bosch. What do you guys want to get for lunch? That's a real question
[01:08:36] Let's figure it up. Yeah, let's go eat. Let's go. I'm hungry. I'm chung. I want thanks for listening folks