Cum Town | Premium | 01/24/2021
[00:00:00] Hello everyone we're eating Adam's fucking Cliff bars.
[00:00:07] I just want to make sure you got that cut.
[00:00:15] Left the podcast to go look at vintage dresses.
[00:00:22] Yeah, so any time we do this, I get a million emails from people who are like, you got to stop eating on the show.
[00:00:35] Yeah, we see where you're coming from, but don't you ever tell me what the fuck to do on the show?
[00:00:39] So you don't eat at your job, whatever it is.
[00:00:42] I'm supposed to believe that you don't have a lunch break.
[00:00:50] There's no reason, you also had a bowl of cereal after it.
[00:00:56] You don't like it, you can take it up with the fucking union.
[00:01:09] That's when they made being fat illegal in the 20s.
[00:01:21] My family just wanted to make a reasonable amount of candy.
[00:01:29] They have bacon cheeseburger glory holes.
[00:01:39] Imagine how bad those speakeasies would smell.
[00:01:43] Just as much as bad people in a crowded union.
[00:01:50] Dude, how fast would that illegal food go?
[00:01:55] You know, prohibition bad, but hoe-abition?
[00:02:14] Yeah, I was usually not, but I've had a hoe, a hoe.
[00:02:20] He's wearing a wheat-as-so-in weave right now.
[00:02:37] The whole during our lunch break, Nick was practicing just eating the whole banana.
[00:02:41] I got the haircut of like a black bus driver.
[00:02:53] Who plays the fucking mom in Independence Day?
[00:03:06] You've only seen Independence Day once?
[00:03:11] There's some movies that just I never...
[00:03:13] As a kid, I just missed a lot of American culture.
[00:03:23] I might be the best movie of that whole big summer blockbuster bullshit.
[00:03:31] Independence Day might be the best one.
[00:03:35] Well, it's definitely the best Will Smith movie.
[00:03:45] We were definitely a Big Will Smith fan.
[00:03:47] I don't know how we missed Independence Day.
[00:03:55] Is that because she grew up in a dog shelter?
[00:04:02] Why would she want that for her children?
[00:04:06] You go in the kitchen, she'd be making you guys...
[00:04:11] She had a water dispenser in the corner of her.
[00:04:46] Well, it's going to be on Fulton, at Green.
[00:04:47] And the address of Adam's new apartment.
[00:05:24] They have just huge apartment buildings over there.
[00:05:38] You want the difference between me and you is Jay?
[00:05:52] Me and Nick kind of were getting something cookin' there.
[00:06:03] I didn't know the guys that are gonna really like that.
[00:06:07] I remember there was a day when I watched that movie probably three times in a row.
[00:06:22] I didn't even know you could watch movies back to back.
[00:06:28] I would just watch a movie over and over and over again.
[00:06:34] My obsession with the love of the film is rewatching the mask over and over again.
[00:06:38] It's putting on the mask and memorizing the first 20 minutes of the movie.
[00:06:42] And then repeating every line artistically.
[00:06:49] He acts very annoying when he puts the mask on.
[00:07:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:07:04] Yeah, and everyone at home better be doing the same thing.
[00:07:06] Yeah, you're dick moving around real fast.
[00:07:19] You know, I read the Wikipedia for the mask comics because I was confused.
[00:07:29] And I think, I don't remember, but I think he kills a lot of...
[00:07:40] The town he lives in is called Edge City.
[00:07:43] Well, it's supposed to be like a place for you almost come from...
[00:07:47] And there's one like retarded guy that puts the mask on and he's too strong.
[00:07:53] Or maybe there's just a retarded guy that the mask can't beat up.
[00:07:56] That's part of the comic, I remember, from the Wikipedia.
[00:08:04] He didn't even fight like a super villain.
[00:08:06] And the mob has like a real strong retarded guy.
[00:08:13] Are you thinking of Bizarro from Superman?
[00:08:28] Which is like, that's just people who like Superman.
[00:08:30] Salute to the writers that got paid for that one.
[00:08:39] Everybody sucks the dick of the Batman show, but the Superman show is good too.
[00:09:17] I'm a little bit of a gold digger myself.
[00:09:19] One time I let Danny Elfman suck my cock because Jenna, his sister...
[00:09:31] Jenna Elfman is Danny Elfman's daughter.
[00:09:33] Well either way, I was fucking Jenna Elfman and she begged me to let Danny Elfman suck my dick.
[00:09:42] And I let him, because she wanted me too.
[00:10:25] What if Hitler had a best friend that was a Butch lesbian?
[00:10:33] No, it's they have a Bron, but she had big arms.
[00:10:37] Do you think Ellen Page is just going to quietly go back to being Ellen?
[00:10:43] Just be like, you can just go ahead and go meet Ellen.
[00:10:51] She's just going to be Elliot from now.
[00:11:01] First of all, I remember the statement and she didn't say anything about feeling male.
[00:11:19] If you're nine-binary, you can just say you are.
[00:11:26] Well, it's because it's no longer about feeling like you're the wrong gender.
[00:11:29] It's now you feel like you need to be included in whatever conversation is happening.
[00:11:34] The things she identifies with, whatever pronouns are being...
[00:11:41] Not for all trans people, but you're saying for Elliot.
[00:11:43] No, I'm saying for this specific thing, that's why I asked for this guy Elliot.
[00:11:52] Elliot just didn't say that in the letter.
[00:11:56] No one writes the letter and says, long story short.
[00:11:58] By the way, by the way, I'm gonna have three months.
[00:12:02] I'm going to cock the relationship summation.
[00:12:05] But your answer is that they won't do that.
[00:12:10] To answer your question, I don't believe...
[00:12:20] I will personally feel injured by that.
[00:12:26] And they're like, I'm an alien that molests children.
[00:12:39] Why the fuck would the cops be after E.T. the whole movie?
[00:12:48] And obviously the authorities don't really care about that so much.
[00:12:51] He put the big glowing finger in a child's ass and you can see it through their stomach.
[00:12:58] If you're gonna get molested, that's one of the coolest ways.
[00:13:01] You would want your asshole to light up.
[00:13:03] He's E.T. hanging out in front of a school being like, I know your mom.
[00:13:09] Your mom told me to get you McDonald's.
[00:13:19] Dude, analog pedophiles, like their moves back in the day.
[00:13:32] Because really, the internet was better for them than almost anyone else.
[00:13:36] Because it was this thing that was invented for regular people.
[00:13:41] So it was like, here's you can look up like cheat codes for fruits and USA.
[00:13:44] And you can look up Trish Stratus' breasts.
[00:13:52] It's for jacking off for songs and for cheats.
[00:14:10] Remember how like these two think e-commerce are like, oh, you should never buy anything.
[00:14:20] He would buy like gas like vinyls of some bullshit.
[00:14:32] Did Eldis ever try to get you to call him the king?
[00:14:42] Oh, this is the last name of his friend.
[00:14:51] The top's best friend from growing up is named Eldis Prenle.
[00:14:57] That was...you guys became friends during your rockability phase.
[00:15:02] You're the closest thing I had available to Eldis Presley.
[00:15:08] I just looked him up in the phone book, actually.
[00:15:12] I was stupid and I couldn't spot an Eldis Presley.
[00:15:14] Have they had a four-year-old in the four-year-old?
[00:15:19] I called him and I was like, Mr. Prenle, I love your work.
[00:15:22] This is the video that did Down syndrome guy doing the wave check.
[00:15:30] People keep sending it to me, expecting me to be like, let's get him.
[00:15:39] I mean, I don't really understand how black people say it works.
[00:15:46] In terms of like, I don't know if he did a good job or not.
[00:15:52] I know what they look like, but I don't understand how difficult they look at waves.
[00:15:56] You should get plugs and then you might get plugs and waves.
[00:15:59] Somebody in the comments on it though wrote, Drown syndrome.
[00:16:09] If his waves are about to drown you, that's some fucking serious.
[00:16:19] You brush it and you have to put a sleep with a fucking dew rag on it.
[00:16:42] She said that she thought my kooky new song about the listen to while we have sex.
[00:16:52] Danny Elfman's music sounds like fucking like carnival circus.
[00:17:00] First of all, he crushed the Batman soundtrack.
[00:17:05] A lot of his stuff is just synonymous with movies in the 90s and you kind of didn't notice
[00:17:09] it at the time and then you go back and revisit it and all sounds like, no, did he do that?
[00:17:16] So you're really talking shit on a fucking legend.
[00:17:26] This man is peeling off hit after hit and you're talking shit.
[00:17:44] It really hurts like Jonathan Fax outchess by the opposition.
[00:17:50] You want to play my Jeopardy video game?
[00:17:57] No, you get to play along with the real episode.
[00:18:01] No, you get to play along with the real episode.
[00:18:06] The one time I played, I beat everyone on the TV.
[00:18:09] Like on that, we're actually on Jeopardy.
[00:18:17] You're going to be so goddamn annoying in the original game.
[00:18:23] Just going into the cafeteria and you see him sitting there at the pink knuckle table
[00:18:32] His family's put him in there at 49 years old.
[00:18:35] He's just put him in the fucking nursing home.
[00:18:42] Is there a lower bound that you can be in there?
[00:18:45] I think if you're mentally challenged, they can put you in the nursing home.
[00:18:48] Yeah, but if I wanted to put into a retirement problem.
[00:18:59] He's getting the hottest woman there, but she's like 68 years old.
[00:19:05] It's going to take advantage of mentally disabled old people.
[00:19:09] We're in a fucking World War II uniform?
[00:19:12] Did you think it was called that when you were in a game?
[00:19:17] It's close enough where they shouldn't make it to all timers.
[00:19:23] The first time I saw that word, I was like the fuck.
[00:19:38] That's so fucked up that it's not old timers.
[00:19:45] She thought my dad got hurt, but he was yelping in celebration of the battle star galactic
[00:19:55] Didn't they already do read their videos?
[00:20:05] I think a guy that like keeps him on the phone for like like five minutes and then his question
[00:20:11] is finally like, yeah, do you do you think robots are going to take a shot?
[00:20:15] They go over like they're just like asking questions about robots.
[00:20:21] But the punchline is like, oh yeah, there's a lot of, you know, I mean, there's already
[00:20:26] I guess there's that the one on battle scar galactica with the light that goes back and
[00:20:56] I don't think you see like lasers and do you see ships?
[00:21:04] Yeah, the robot chicks are hot, I think.
[00:21:12] Do you see hard nipples through a shirt?
[00:21:16] There's a guy that looks exactly like you on battle five.
[00:21:20] I can't wait to see how fat and ugly this guy is.
[00:21:35] I don't even know which one I'm supposed to see.
[00:22:02] I'm so much hotter than the dinosaur guy.
[00:22:07] You should do that kind of like how samurai were bald.
[00:22:26] His hair isn't as fucking luxurious as mine.
[00:22:31] My shit is soft and nice to the tongue.
[00:22:34] You're supposed to be like a space Italian?
[00:22:41] I came here to get to the pussy from the Marcians.
[00:22:45] I came here to put them a penis into the pussy of the Marcians.
[00:22:54] You got to get people getting to the game.
[00:22:58] He's making one of the more significant characters in the entire series.
[00:23:00] He begins as an apparent stock character assigned to the role of loud, jovial comic relief.
[00:23:09] Maybe we have some similar characteristics.
[00:23:14] However, later in the series, he's shown to be an embittered patriot of a dying empire.
[00:23:45] No, I would never let Adam tell me what to do.
[00:23:47] Sounds like every episode on this show.
[00:23:53] In doing so, he becomes largely an unwitting pawn of the shadows and the intrigues that
[00:23:58] he engages in are central to the show's plot.
[00:24:05] However, Malaria is also a man of honor and the moral consequences of his plots weigh
[00:24:11] So, it's like when you shoplift donuts from the gas station and afterwards...
[00:24:18] If I ever did that, I would not have to feel an ounce of regret.
[00:24:25] First of all, I'm on record saying I used to steal from grocery stores all the time.
[00:24:32] I would have a piece of catfish, fried catfish.
[00:24:33] He's a man of catfish, as I shop the junk.
[00:24:35] He's a mercurial personality given to extreme manifestations of anger, sadness or joviality,
[00:24:40] depending on the power of the catalyst provoking them.
[00:24:46] While he is an avid hedonist who is fond of drinking leisure, he's also a devout centaurie
[00:24:50] patriot that will gladly give his life without hesitation and protect the Republic.
[00:24:58] No, because first of all, that's not even a balcony.
[00:25:01] Second of all, we live in a banana republic now and stops like, does it come with a Sunday?
[00:25:13] Perhaps the little banana split boat you can get a dairy queen.
[00:25:20] The ones that Dairy Queen, they're pretty big.
[00:25:25] I don't want fruit in my fucking ice cream.
[00:25:39] I miss getting the humble banana split.
[00:25:45] The instant you throw that fucker on a table, that transforms the room you're in.
[00:25:56] Having said that, I don't want fruit in my Sunday, bro.
[00:26:01] It's not as good as fucking chocolate or a wafer of some kind.
[00:26:07] Despite his temperamental and stodgy nature, Londo himself is largely devoid of malice.
[00:26:13] His bigotry towards other races, particularly the...
[00:26:17] He's being treated particularly the narns.
[00:26:37] He's one of the biggest faggots on Battlestar Galak.
[00:26:40] He introduced being a faggot to that one.
[00:26:49] Before the dinosaur guy, no male had ever sucked a dick on Battlestar Galak.
[00:27:03] He's talking about Babylon 5th Night Battlestar, right?
[00:27:20] I bet you that really pissed off one guy that's listening.
[00:27:25] It's still funny that people can just be like, no, I'm not.
[00:27:29] And then you just rip something off completely.
[00:27:32] Yeah, you have one alien face looking guy.
[00:27:40] It's about a criminal organization called the Stark stale crime family in Trenton.
[00:27:56] And the police's names are Mick Conte and Chunk.
[00:28:13] Remember when they show her getting pussy on the side?
[00:28:25] And you see her tits and the girls tits.
[00:28:37] He's a villainous diplomat opposite Londo Mallari constantly engaged in insidious, often
[00:28:45] Okay, actually this person is usually driven by hostility to his people's historical enemies
[00:28:55] However, in the course of the series, he's transformed into a messianic figure in the
[00:28:59] form of spiritual leader of his people.
[00:29:04] So he's got so you're what you're saying is he's a fucking annoying petty piece of shit
[00:29:08] that during the course of the series, a bunch of losers look up to only because he is their
[00:29:14] He's not petty because it's he's one of the he's gnar.
[00:29:20] So space it sounds like space Albanians to me.
[00:29:36] After a guclars mother became very ill only he and his father remained fit enough to serve
[00:29:44] One day his father accidentally spilled a bowl of hot Jala on the mistress of the house.
[00:29:50] As his father father was beaten to a pulp and hung up on their family prayer.
[00:30:06] Now your family is worthless and I get to be a cool dinosaur.
[00:30:44] So that guy, that actor came out of the closet, like he wasn't gay the whole time.
[00:30:53] No, I think he's out of the closet recently.
[00:30:59] Either that or I just realized he was gay and I assumed he was straight.
[00:31:12] Even like the fucking screen gaps of the characters look hysterical.
[00:31:18] I should see if I can find some OxyContin to get into Babylon 5.
[00:31:25] Maybe you could maybe find like a legit reason to have a surgery.
[00:31:30] And then just spend two weeks watching the entire show while you're following.
[00:31:32] Yeah, finally get that dick plumping and you've been talking about it.
[00:31:44] Alright, finally get that joke writing.
[00:31:52] You know what you should do, Adam, is something.
[00:31:59] Finally get something where you're gay.
[00:32:01] Something like that across those indications.
[00:32:05] And finally, something of that, of that, in that, in that, in that, that, that, that,
[00:32:24] If I look at that, uh, well, a basic eye surgery.
[00:32:43] Because he's clearly only seeing one fan.
[00:32:54] And we all know Nick hasn't updated his prescription.
[00:32:59] Yeah, that's because I've been prescribed your wife's pussy.
[00:33:03] No, I doctor would prescribe my wife's pussy.
[00:33:07] And thank you for acknowledging the fact that I found a lifelong one.
[00:33:11] It's a simple case that somebody needed to get their wife fucked.
[00:33:15] And it's just two things that go around your ears, but on a woman's waist either side.
[00:33:25] And then we put them over our ears and then we eat her pussy.
[00:33:30] If you guys actually, if I actually had a wife, you actually demeaned her in that way.
[00:33:39] No, it's not nice the way that you guys were describing it.
[00:33:47] It would cause you more pain than it would be, to be honest.
[00:33:52] Because you would be like, how could I do this to my pal Adam?
[00:34:03] I would think about it and how sad you are and I would be like, that's so funny that
[00:34:07] my doctor told me he was watching this.
[00:34:17] You want me to fucking die, though, dude.
[00:34:22] If you got married, you wouldn't share your wife.
[00:34:26] Would you be mad if you got married if me and Stavler's fucking your wife on the side?
[00:34:32] First of all, you haven't put this on the record.
[00:34:34] Would you let it get between us and the show?
[00:34:40] You know what we all value the most about our wives with this show.
[00:34:44] We only don't want anything to happen to it.
[00:34:46] We care about the show a lot more than personal relationships.
[00:34:51] Back in the day, when we were still recording a Nick's old ass apartment where he lived
[00:34:56] with Felix in Amber, we had that conversation.
[00:34:59] You all said you wouldn't mind if your wives got fucked and I said, I don't want my wife
[00:35:05] Yeah, I still don't think I would give a shit.
[00:35:10] It's because in my mind, I'm imagining myself and I'm married to someone I don't care
[00:35:18] So the question is, yeah, it's not like you found a soulmate, someone you love and cherish
[00:35:28] Yeah, you find a soulmate and then I don't think that.
[00:35:36] You only marry somebody so you have somebody to escape from into the garage and into online
[00:35:43] You marry someone so that when you die, you can travel around heaven trying to find her,
[00:35:51] She's in hell because she feels like she's a pirate.
[00:35:58] So you have to fight your way through the seven rings of hell.
[00:37:06] I came all the way from space to circa.
[00:37:24] Did you not listen to what I said last week?
[00:37:29] Don't you remember seeing the pictures of my penis?
[00:38:12] It's from the Braun and they're trapped in some kind of super computer.
[00:38:43] Yeah, it's been a while dude my balls are all so small. Oh, I didn't know that that's pretty good
[00:38:51] I'm the world champion. I have a small stick in the world
[00:38:55] You don't yeah, you're being humble. I'm I bet your dick is not the smallest and the smallest and I'm gay next
[00:39:02] What was it like guys want to hear an Andrew promo yeah
[00:39:12] My nipples percents a small dick piercing place that does sound a lot that you really do me saying that you nailed it man. Thanks
[00:39:22] Was it what was yeah, what was it like on 30 rock
[00:39:37] They had to close down all the schools whoa for real next question why
[00:39:48] Everybody it's a Judah doesn't want to be here
[00:39:55] Yeah, what the hell is this Columbus, Ohio
[00:39:57] I'll come Ohio. It's got three cities in their old dog shit. Yeah, why not just have one. Okay, Sonny
[00:40:04] That's true. You got you got Columbus Cleveland
[00:40:09] Cincinnati and they all suck cock. I like Columbus. What do you do for a living sir? Do you suck dick?
[00:40:14] I suck dick. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Thank you. What do we got?
[00:40:20] What are they even got to eat in this place a bunch of dog shit do I have dog shit?
[00:40:27] What are they got in here a bunch of dogs shit? They came out of the dogs ass
[00:40:32] Yes, sir. How about that waitress? She's pretty attractive. Hi. I wonder if he can maybe have sex with her
[00:40:39] No, okay. Well, I guess there's nothing to look forward to this week
[00:40:44] So my dick fuck my ass. It's a space jam
[00:40:50] I do you remember when we were kids there were a lot of jokes that had a the reference your mama's toe jam
[00:41:01] I don't know maybe it's an in living color
[00:41:05] Stop trying to say the problem is that you'd like cooler stuff than us is a problem was that I was into adult urban
[00:41:12] There was there was one thing what was it what is toge him? I never thought she in between your fucking toes
[00:41:19] It's one style of stuff that you put on your toes. No you fucking idiot. It's gunk
[00:41:25] She sits around the house. She sits around around around the house. I never understood that as a kid
[00:41:32] I just imagine a fat woman sitting down at the perimeter of a house and then getting up moving three feet and sitting down again
[00:41:41] Just didn't a lack of imagination. I knew it immediately is a child what that she so fat she encompasses the entire
[00:41:47] I mean, I guess that's my mind works differently. What is your mama's toe?
[00:41:52] It's why don't you bring this up, dude? It's one. I know it told you brought it up like nine times now
[00:41:59] What's the joke at it wasn't nine times? It was five at least
[00:42:02] I don't have to exact five when you guys are just prone to it's at least five just hyperbole
[00:42:08] You said it three times initially two times follow up. I won't bring it up again. So what was the next episode?
[00:42:13] I just didn't know what that was you don't know toe jam is just some shit that's accumulated between your fucking toes like jelly
[00:42:21] It's like a jelly. I've never had a dunce. It's like I've never heard I've never had anything accumulate between my toes
[00:42:28] I've never she's a fat fucking slob. She's got toe jam. That makes her fat
[00:42:33] You're a fucking idiot. Okay. I'm sorry. No, that doesn't make her I'm sorry for bringing it up nine times apparently
[00:42:42] I'm sorry every to every time we do this show. It's always always my you know what I was thinking about something about me and my black friends
[00:42:49] Back in the early 90s. They was always they always be rapping. They was always gacking and all right
[00:42:55] What can I ask you another question guy going flapping about that? Well, yeah, we all in style toe jam
[00:43:17] Between her damn mama got a damn jam going space jam. You know all them Las Vegas Ks. Oh, yeah
[00:43:24] That's why I brought it up because you said space jam shut up shut the fuck off
[00:43:30] Fuck you be quiet space jam and toe jam
[00:43:41] We did get fucked in my motherfucking gay ass
[00:43:44] All right, do a dance in my ass. It's the space jam go ahead put your fist in my ass
[00:43:59] Oh, and squeeze squeeze my dick in your ass and your mouth please
[00:44:06] Come on your time to turn my dick into a puppet that you fill your hand with you put your head of my ass
[00:44:12] And then my dig is a puppet put your hand at my ass
[00:44:22] I had a different thought in between saying put your hand and in my ass started thinking about what I was doing after this
[00:45:28] So the melody's not bad. I'll say that maybe we kind of write the lyrics we can work with the music
[00:45:51] Everybody get ready it's time to fuck my ass one two fucking my ass
[00:45:58] Come on everybody get you everybody put the dick in my Charlie Brown song
[00:46:06] It's time to fuck all my asshole. It's time to fuck all my asshole. Is it a percolator?
[00:46:11] This is durable. I saw the percolator reference recently, and it's like that's like five generations
[00:46:16] Oh, yeah, yeah, you know when we were kids. You don't know shit about the percolator
[00:46:20] Yeah, I mean I'd be in the fuck over on the desert bitch
[00:46:24] What was your local fucking flair? What was your local style of music?
[00:46:36] Yeah, some of my neighbors used to have
[00:46:43] Case with forever dude. I had a neighbor that was a Mexican guy that converted to Judaism
[00:46:56] He told his wife that he had a he was Jewish now that he was Jewish
[00:47:10] Please fuck my ass. I can't wait to say
[00:47:15] I can't wait to say painless and drink all your comma can't do get fuck
[00:47:26] Richie Vast deference. He's I don't say your cockhole the big butt the big butt fuck
[00:47:31] Big butt fuck and the Richie Vast defra buddy holy buddy holy
[00:47:45] Fuck what are his songs? So I remember your tongue is twisted your eyes are slid
[00:47:54] Those lyrics are really embarrassing. They're very funny. You know, it's about his Chinese friend in high school
[00:47:58] It was getting made fun of what's with these home home music. I think my girl. Yeah, why do they got a friend? Oh?
[00:48:03] I thought is that what it's about? Yeah, that's not it's literally
[00:48:09] Well, no he didn't you want to fuck a Chinese the next album was all about a Chinese the line is
[00:48:17] Crying her eyes are slit damn she doesn't speak well in her eyes
[00:48:25] Imagine how that's the key the bullies are of that guy
[00:48:41] We mean for us my balls are small and I have no day
[00:49:04] The second album was about a Chinese girl that dumped him two in the Pinkerton one in the stinkerton
[00:49:18] I don't know that would but apparently she was like very creeped out by it. He was like I think in college
[00:49:24] Maybe when it came out and apparently he just she was not happy about
[00:49:30] Yeah, I think then she became a lesbian then that song pink pink triangle
[00:49:37] They fuck her in her pussy. Did you see her pussy? Did you fuck her in the answer?
[00:49:44] Good afternoon, I did I listen a little bit of the Matthew McConaughey
[00:49:50] Autobiography oh, yeah, you're telling me we came up on the Amazon's like I don't know why I just listen here. He reads it
[00:49:56] I'm so it's very funny. You know what? I'll just pull it up. Yeah, because he transitions to talking about being molested with like
[00:50:04] How's he so I was one of the best kids on the soccer team sec mavacot?
[00:50:09] I let the league and yellow cards as a goalie when I was 13 my uncle fuck
[00:50:22] They think I'm like what when I was 13 years old and 18 year old boy held me down
[00:50:40] Turn I'll push you getting legend probably yeah
[00:50:44] Yeah, so the one of the one satisfaction at the time and still I found a reliable theme
[00:50:51] So I packed up those journals and took a one-way ticket to solitary confinement in the desert where I began writing
[00:50:57] What you hear now an album a record a story of my life so far
[00:51:04] Things I witnessed dream chase gave and received truth bombs that interrupted my space and time in ways
[00:51:11] I have made with myself many of which I live up to most of which I still pursue
[00:51:15] These are my sights and scenes felt and figured out cools and shameful's grace is true. It's a beauty
[00:51:30] Fucking like yeah, this is crazy. Why does he do it? It's like bebop. What I might just be the intro
[00:51:34] I don't know if it continues like it's being jazzed. It's overwritten for the sake of life pyramid called life being a guy
[00:51:41] Hopefully it's medicine that I just want to get to the part where he just
[00:51:44] Drop sit in the list. Yeah a spaceship to Mars without needing your pilot's license. Okay, it's a celebrity
[00:51:51] Spaceship to Mars without it's a love letter to life the pain is
[00:51:57] No speaking of bumper stickers. I have always loved bumper stickers so much
[00:52:01] So I stuck bumper sticker and made them one word bumper sticker
[00:52:07] Quick hitters unobtrusive personal preferences this guy. He is the express course. They're cheap and they're fun
[00:52:13] They don't have to be politically correct because well, they're just bumper stickers
[00:52:21] They say one of those comics that tries to rip off George
[00:52:26] If they've got a family or not if they're free-spirited to conformist funnier serious what kind of pets they had to getting rape
[00:52:33] Like even what this will keep it on the background. Yeah over the last 50 years
[00:52:38] I've been collecting my bumper stickers
[00:52:40] I've seen some of her but it goes I swear to God. It just drops right into the
[00:52:45] No, and it's also there's no like it's just you hit the play sample button on Amazon included quite a few of my favorites in this book
[00:52:53] All right, the sole objective is the pursuit of the singular finish with only the arrival and sight
[00:53:00] This is what brings us together. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh my god. Bye is fucked
[00:53:06] Is that it sometimes you got to go back to go forward and I don't mean going from the necessary chase
[00:53:28] The ending was stupid, but that girl's tits are awesome. That was how did I get here? I take it back
[00:53:34] That was like to earn a few scars. No one more of humanity. I've been good at it
[00:53:39] I've been not so good at it and ultimately I found some pleasure in all of it
[00:53:44] Here are some facts about me to help set the table
[00:53:46] Oh, I am the youngest brother of three and the son of parents who are twice divorced and thrice married to each other
[00:53:53] We grew up saying I love you to each other. We meant it
[00:53:56] Oh, I got whipped into much different than other thing on a cracker jack tattoo when I was ten years old
[00:54:02] When I first threatened to run away from home my parents packed my bags for me damn cool
[00:54:07] My dad wasn't there the day. I was born he called my mom and said only thing I have to say is if it's a boy
[00:54:19] I learned to swim when my mom threw me in the Lanot River and I was either gonna float off the rocky waterfall 30 yards down stream
[00:54:25] Or make it back to the wire. I made it to the bank. I
[00:54:29] Was always the first one to wear out the knees and my tough skin jeans I was sucking so much for two years
[00:54:35] I led the under 12 soccer league in red cards as a goalie
[00:54:39] When I kept whining about my lone pair of tennis shoes being old and out of fashion
[00:54:44] My mom told me keep griping and I'll take you to meet the boy with no feet
[00:54:49] Was blackmailed into having sex for the first time when I was 15. I was certain I was going to hell for the premarital sex
[00:54:56] Today well, I'm really certain that I hope that's not the case I
[00:55:05] Unconscious in the back of a day. Okay. Okay. Oh
[00:55:20] By man, he said it's so happy I forget I don't know how I scrubbed the first time
[00:55:25] I was like, what's the fucking Matthew McConaughey audio books? I was like is that it?
[00:55:29] I certainly got there. I certainly didn't have to listen to all that
[00:55:32] It's started at like the first chapter, but yeah
[00:55:38] Soccer and my dad was mean and I was molested a girl tried to fuck me and I said yes
[00:55:44] And then she black bailed him into size
[00:55:51] And I was 18 I was unconscious in the lesson I've done pay
[00:55:56] That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, it's very good. That's awesome
[00:56:03] I might I might have to read this thing. I don't know if I could listen to him say it
[00:56:07] Oh, I got you guys bite the full experience
[00:56:10] Do like a chapel style review. Yeah, yeah of
[00:56:14] Yeah, very well have Virgil on to bring up so those guys read all of them read a book no they split it up
[00:56:20] But oh my god, I was gonna say that'd be horrible
[00:56:23] Yeah, did you imagine if all three of us read one gas we can't even remember a movie?
[00:56:33] That's like the comptown reviews independence day. I'm like I watched it three times in one day
[00:56:45] Vivica is it Vivica? Yeah, cuz she tells the president's wife. She's like I'm a dancer. She's like ballet and she's like exotic
[00:56:56] Exotic what happened to Vivica did Indian she dated 50 take her back. Yeah, but that was like that was 20 years ago
[00:57:04] That was a big come up for 50. It wasn't that long ago. Yeah, it was
[00:57:10] It was after 50 was popping wasn't it it was probably 2006
[00:57:15] That was 20 years ago 2007 actually maybe it was yeah, it was a long time ago
[00:57:21] Because 50 by oh seven for a long time 50 was it was not he was still like a star, but he wasn't like super relevant
[00:57:29] It was the peak was fucking that first album was fucking incredible. They dated in 2003
[00:57:36] Damn, I guess that was smack dab and when he was hot
[00:57:39] Yeah, that was before the massacre, right?
[00:57:43] Yeah, the massacre came out maybe later that year. Yeah, cuz I remember she was older than him, right?
[00:57:51] Christ you're right that was 20 years ago. Yeah, this is your so we're so old god damn
[00:57:57] That's what I'm saying man. You fucking talk to 23 year olds. Yeah, I remember like trying to make fun of
[00:58:02] Like at these skate shoes or whatever. Yeah, somebody that was like 21. They're like, what are you talking about?
[00:58:10] You shut the fuck up. I'm like, let me show you
[00:58:25] And I'm hard let's go so I got my penis fuck on my
[00:58:29] It's very funny to be old and then like talk to a 23 year old and just talk about how good family guy
[00:58:38] That's what you fucking kids don't understand guys don't know we when the DVD of family guy dropped
[00:58:45] We watched it all the way through. Yeah, this guy Glenn Quagmire. He was crazy
[00:58:53] Born Peter said he wasn't gonna drink at the stag party
[00:59:08] Remember when they left she said remember Peter last time we left you turned the house into a giant puppet
[00:59:14] Classic bit. Hey, you stay away. This is Peter Griffin's how you ever see that one stuff. That's a good one. Yeah classic classic
[00:59:23] Shudged out to stethmock, forlin who's not gay
[00:59:30] You know I'm sure he gets big time pussy he did for what's her name Olivia
[00:59:36] Dude Olivia Munn's date. I'm not a gay guys that needed the PR bump. What are you talking about Aaron Rodgers?
[00:59:51] Oh, it's funny that Olivia Munn got to be an actress
[00:59:58] She was on the newsroom to never saw a new show. They would g4. What a gay idea for a channel
[01:00:05] Yeah gamer. Can you imagine watching get it's like that's like I guess there's a lot of money to it
[01:00:10] I wish I wish I could need some excitement
[01:00:14] Talking about your life is plenty exciting for example
[01:00:19] Here you go. Good night. Oh, he started a fire. He burned the house down. That's crazy. P. Life is
[01:00:25] Your life is plenty exciting check this out. Peter are you downloading child porn?
[01:00:33] Say I did it to fucking do you have excitement in your life?
[01:00:38] Excite you well time to see what quagmire is up to hey you want to get raped?
[01:00:48] Hey quagmire you raping a girl right in there. You know me Peter. I love raping
[01:01:00] Well, what do you want me to do about it suck your cock? Yes
[01:01:06] Wow, that's crazy. You suck in josecock
[01:01:20] Yeah, that's a good show man. Yeah, it's a really good show
[01:01:23] This is just like when skyd bayo took over for
[01:01:27] For fucking jaunathan freaks on the next generation
[01:01:31] Number one, uh, had me my fucking laser gun. Hey, I'm the boss
[01:01:44] You're right dad. It is just like that's true. Well back to sucking car
[01:02:07] I think they answered that question the movie murder ball
[01:02:09] I've never seen it. Do they answer it? Yeah, what's the answer some guy? Hello cool Jason that movie some guy gets a stick sucked
[01:02:20] No, we'll chair what if I only talked like this?
[01:02:24] Oh, no, no murder ball. I'm very close to documentary. What's the what's the hello cool j1 where there?
[01:02:29] It's like a futuristic sport. It's called suck my penis
[01:02:33] It's called something ball one day you will roller ball roller ball suck my penis
[01:02:46] Suck me. Well, I guess it's time for the come town movie preview section. Let me talk about upcoming films
[01:02:52] Oh, you know what I saw recently was um
[01:02:59] Oh the marlin wanes. Oh, this was a good. It was really really good
[01:03:07] Shouts out to jenny zigarino who plays the best character I've ever seen in what way isn't an indictment of neoliberalism
[01:03:16] They definitely have a white lady say the and word. Mm-hmm. Who's wearing a weave
[01:03:21] Well, they said that she could say there's a huge prosthetic cock. Um marlin wanes has huge fake balls and a very little fake penis
[01:03:33] So they do some good that is funny when you see that that you cannot like eggs. Mm-hmm
[01:03:39] Um, I watched um southland tales. Have you seen that movie? No, it's got it had a one of the one of the do you want to watch the five bloods?
[01:03:55] I don't know. It should have been three and a half blood
[01:03:59] Our boy will sasso was in uh, oh in this movie. It's the the director of donnie dark goes sophomore
[01:04:05] Is he our boy? This will sasso ever acknowledged our president. Well, we were talking about him in that
[01:04:09] We love him. We love him. We're big fan. It's one of those one way. We're he's not our boys
[01:04:14] Yeah, it's like we're like them that I just didn't want us. I don't want to give anybody the we're not friends with will sasso
[01:04:20] Although we'd love to be with somebody's out there
[01:04:23] We would like to be your friend a huge inspiration and your cigar on mad tv was the best
[01:04:29] Incredible you're working on svu sending the clowns and the sending the clowns episode you were more absolutely bodied
[01:04:44] Sorry, I was yawning. Do you guys have fun?
[01:04:46] Timberlake rock. Excuse me. Yeah, you guys ever want to fuck a loyce on family guys. Yeah. Yeah, loyce
[01:04:54] You have you have a sex or something over there?
[01:05:07] Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm a baby. Yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm on a cutie moment
[01:05:14] Anyway, I'm sorry to cut you off. I don't have to get that question out there. Sorry. Yeah, so Justin Timberlake Justin Timberlake
[01:05:23] It's it's pretty good. I gotta say Southland. Tell Justin the county
[01:05:29] Uh, it's got comedy in it for sure. How about we remake from Justin tikelli? It's very ambitious
[01:05:38] It was Danny Darko, but it doesn't make any fucking sense. Well, this one makes less sense
[01:05:43] And yeah, Donnie Darko has said if you this is how you can become rich and powerful
[01:05:49] Until some weird kid intervenes. Did he go through a portal to stop him? Yeah, he saves the world dude. Yeah through a portal
[01:05:57] Yeah, he's what the fuck happened in that movie. I remember watching it in like 10th grade and being like the shit rocks
[01:06:03] I have no idea. That is a movie. I watched as a teenager strictly to get pussy
[01:06:09] I was like this is gay, but girls won't shut up about it. Yep
[01:06:13] Rules to like that and I never did get pussy
[01:06:18] Foiled foiled again by Donnie. Yeah, that was the plan
[01:06:26] Uh, yeah, this movie actually I thought was pretty good
[01:06:28] Southland tale sounds like it's about like crime. How about free. Oh, the guy stiffler isn't it?
[01:06:34] Stifflers got a big role the rock Friedland tales. Yeah, let's hear it. What happens in Southland tales?
[01:06:40] Um, it's a near future. Okay, where there's a world war three
[01:06:50] You're so in the fighting world war penis world war gay
[01:06:56] Okay, this time Hitler's back and he's finishing the holocaust
[01:07:02] It's time to pick up a relef at all. Yeah zombie Hitler. Yeah
[01:07:13] Brad Pitt's in it. Yeah. Oh southland tales. Is it like an action movie?
[01:07:17] I think I'm remembering this. I think I'm remembering it. It was I think a
[01:07:20] Hero and like when it came out it was panned universally. Yeah, but yeah, I think it has like was it Japan
[01:07:40] That was Peter from now Peter from family guy. Yeah. Yeah. That was Peter kuomo from family guy
[01:08:17] After they fucked up Trump yeah didn't didn't Peter fight Trump or something
[01:08:22] Yeah, that was really fun. Why is the Star Wars shit called blue harvest? What do you mean? What is that?
[01:08:28] I remember when they did a they did they did Star Wars, but with the family guy characters. It was called blue harvest. Yeah
[01:08:36] That's fucking sure is for a really funny reason
[01:08:47] Harvest is the hour long premiere of the 60s and the family guy and man made series American
[01:08:53] part of the series laughing up fuzzball
[01:08:56] Rezling area on parody of 1977 block was your film Star Wars
[01:09:00] Oh, it's really funny to watch the first Star Wars and then see like all this bullshit that they're making off that one dumbass
[01:09:10] Moving the Star Wars one or a new hope yeah, and it's like just fucking okay
[01:09:15] Yeah, but it was like I guess it was the first one. There's like a hundred fun now
[01:09:20] They got like a bunch of fucking mini series. I don't know. It's weird dude. Mm-hmm. Yeah
[01:09:24] I don't like I can't imagine watching the Mandalorian. No, that's good. I fuck with the laurian. That's actually good. Why?
[01:09:36] I'm saying it's crazy. It's all stupid. I like it. It's crazy
[01:09:41] I say it's bad and I'm good friends with John Favreau and I'm not even trying to suck Johnny
[01:09:49] Johnny does not be a careerist and he knows that fabs
[01:09:52] You he knows that fabs and I are close. He's not he fumors you cuz your dad sucks his dick
[01:09:58] That's not even true. We both like food when they were shooting swingers
[01:10:02] He would pop in he popped into your home in Vegas and got his dick sucked by your dad. Oh, I forgot to say something on the show
[01:10:09] I just want to acknowledge publicly go ahead. I
[01:10:13] Just want to recognize I forgot to recognize the first one that died
[01:10:17] I don't know if it was Siegfried or Roy, but now both never dead. Oh my god
[01:10:20] They are Vegas legends. All right one died of the coronavirus John Trevor looks so funny now
[01:10:26] Yeah, he wears glasses cuz he's serious now. Yeah
[01:10:30] But let me say the Vend laurian is good, but shout out to two Vegas legends a free in Roy
[01:10:36] You won't be missed. All right P Rest in Hell
[01:10:42] For being gained from my school my school went on a I
[01:10:46] I went on multiple field trips as a kid to their white tiger sanctuary
[01:10:53] There's nothing to do with a fucking kid in Vegas
[01:10:59] It's four hours and my parents never took me you never went I've never been one. Did you have sex with your boyfriend there?
[01:11:09] I miss heard you when you said that you've never been there. I heard I had sex with my boyfriend
[01:11:14] You didn't miss hear me. You just made it up. No, I heard it
[01:11:19] You're just misquote point of fact show the family guy point of fact
[01:11:29] I found that Adam had sex at the green Canyon
[01:11:56] Glen cosmazmire. Yeah, cuz they're kind of into the function like cos be tweeted from jail the attack on the Capitol is
[01:12:05] Really? I don't know. I mean let him down. Yeah
[01:12:08] He felt let down dr. Kledo chucksable. It is pretty funny. He's gonna die in prison. Oh Jay's take on the on the riders was great
[01:12:17] What was it? Who's like I have been through the legal system?
[01:12:21] I had some I had some judgments. I agreed with so
[01:12:30] But we are a nation of laws and you must respect I
[01:12:35] Loved it. I love it's so funny that those people are gonna go to prison for so long
[01:12:42] Makay and saying they should be black bag. She said they've get much said they should be in Gitma. Oh my god
[01:12:48] How does she how is she the dumbest bitchable? That's how we treat al-qaeda and that's how we should treat these people is no due process
[01:12:56] The American way oh, yeah, I saw so I saw on Twitter. She said yeah, yeah, Alex. Yes
[01:13:04] Father who is now in here who is now in here father famously funded al-qaeda
[01:13:22] Just at John McCain all the way down there in hell which is being heated by the waves coming off of Megan's giant ass
[01:13:32] Penetrate the earth's surface and cook all the souls of the band
[01:13:36] Oh fuck you know would be you know be funny. Yeah if if cops
[01:13:47] That would be a big win for the Dems like the bailiff
[01:13:54] Yeah, oh yeah, I don't know I thought you were asking if he's the bailiff and I was gonna be like no idiot
[01:13:59] He's the Supreme Court judge. Do you remember judge Judy's bailiff the black guy? Yeah? Yeah, he had a good vibe
[01:14:08] Shout out to Wilkes our friend of the show Steve Wilkes our boy steve
[01:14:14] Didn't didn't sasso actually play Steve Wilkes on my team
[01:14:19] Those guys need a link up and that show was so fun because it was like
[01:14:24] They took they took like the Jerry Springer shit to the next yeah the body guard from Jerry's prayer
[01:14:29] And now it's like it be like it was too stupid for yeah, I mean
[01:14:33] I'd be like today we're speaking with a guy whom the less his daughter refuses to stop and then he like comes out
[01:14:38] And he's like I can do whatever I want she's my property Steve Wilkes. She's just like get the hell off my stage
[01:14:48] To get kicked up yeah, there was one where he did he used to like routinely destroy the set
[01:14:56] Before Eric Andre yeah, just throw shit around
[01:15:01] Did he have the KKK member on was that Jerry Springer all of them did
[01:15:05] I love you weren't allowed to have a talk show if you didn't have like fucking run D
[01:15:09] Donnie you had a KKK yeah down to you down to you be like now being a Nazi. What's that about? What does that mean?
[01:15:16] All basically, you know, we don't like the Jews
[01:15:20] We think they're trying to mind control everybody
[01:15:22] Interesting do you have anything to say to that rabbi
[01:15:31] We don't control anything we just we either do it without to be bad
[01:15:38] We're just we're hitting a good note here and
[01:15:44] I've been taking Zenx since 9 a.m. So chill
[01:16:02] He's really is just vibing God I can't imagine having like just I remember it I remember watching Springer
[01:16:09] But not as an adult can you imagine being like a grown man? No, that's that's something you're it's
[01:16:16] Slowly to be like oh hell. Yeah when you're 12
[01:16:19] When you're saying if you were used to be a tree you were born you're sick if you were born 20 years earlier
[01:16:24] You would have no option to be this guy right there wouldn't be podcasting
[01:16:29] I've just been a shitty efficiency apartment getting drunk all day and turning on the TV and I just have to watch Donna
[01:16:38] And there would be nothing else that's true. We did really hit the nice a nice time in history
[01:16:42] Yeah, to be honest. I was a big I was a big Jerry Finn. Yeah, we know you're a Cincinnati
[01:16:50] You suck this car. Do you remember his film you were a grand Canyon with him?
[01:16:54] Yeah, you're you're I didn't go to the great bottom of the great Marty Cuomo went to the great Canyon with Jerry
[01:17:01] And they said we're gonna turn you into a star
[01:17:17] Slain you're white and you're going to Grand Canyon with boy
[01:17:36] Was I still in that scenario you're getting fucked in the end. Yeah, you're on a date with with Marty Cuomo
[01:17:42] The date Martian Marty the Martian or Marvie cook Marv Cuomo Marv Cuomo and Jerry Springer
[01:18:03] Fuck I'm now I'm thinking about dinner. Yeah, me too head lunch. You know be nice
[01:18:07] What's the fireplace going for a place to be good we could have barbecue and then I'm in the mood to really just destroy myself
[01:18:14] I respect I don't know what it is, but you get a fire going go nuts on some fatty brisket
[01:18:26] Sucks the smoke hit a couple of bumps and take a smoke a just blast eggs in the living room of an Airbnb
[01:18:34] In a fireplace is the one time. It's not white trash to smoke. Yeah, it's very classy
[01:18:41] Should smells like fucking cigarettes. Yeah
[01:18:50] It's just so fucking trash like I don't know there's
[01:18:54] Everyone that I know that does it is fucking trash
[01:18:56] Yeah, man people Manhattan people do yeah, there's this weird thing where people like it's fucking cool now cuz it's like
[01:19:05] It's still it's like you know it's like when people are denying the Holocaust and it's like no survivors still exist
[01:19:11] It's like no the white the trash still exists. We're not far enough away from it
[01:19:16] Jews left over Jews are a lot like smoke. Yeah, a lot like white trash
[01:19:20] Smoked in their house. That's what go to Greek town. My friend half of my friends parents are still doing it
[01:19:27] That's what I'm saying history hasn't gotten far enough away. Mm-hmm. You fucking posers
[01:19:33] That's not cool. I smoke a pipe inside and that's different. Yeah, that's a heavy smell
[01:19:42] Someone said that it's almost a courtesy to smell
[01:19:45] I would be pissed if you smoked a pipe in my house. I even think about it. I just I like that bad boy up anywhere I go now
[01:20:01] You got you got a fucking maybe some kind of helmet bong thing. Yeah
[01:20:06] That'd be cool. Yes, it would you fucking bitch. What time is basketball tonight, so
[01:20:15] Games are actually going on all day. Yeah, okay day
[01:20:18] My friend said to me my shots my friend Brian. He said that he said what are we doing for MLK there?
[01:20:26] And I couldn't understand why he kept saying that was that what that stands for. Yeah, that him and his mark
[01:20:30] Always use to get a Miller light keg. Oh
[01:20:33] Yeah, that was their ML K that's what they used to do when they were in high school. That's pretty cool. That's
[01:20:40] MLK seven marks is a Marxist Leninist king
[01:20:49] Coffee tall is what that's yeah a lot of people. Yeah, I guarantee you could get people on Twitter to think
[01:20:54] That that's what MLK yeah, they could never put it more than he wanted it to stand for that. He did want it to stand for
[01:21:14] Right at the bottom of the ninth Nick saved the episode
[01:21:18] We were down one and Nick just had his a walk off
[01:21:25] Well, thank you very much for listening folks. Thanks a lot. Happy fucking Sunday happy one week from MLK bye bye