[00:00:00] Okay, today on the premium episode of Come Town we're talking about haters.

[00:00:06] That's right.

[00:00:07] The hater philosophy.

[00:00:09] What causes people to be haters?

[00:00:11] NPR explores.

[00:00:13] NPR explores haters.

[00:00:15] That is four-part series.

[00:00:17] Four years ago pictures of my penis surfaced on the internet next to a ruler demonstrating

[00:00:23] that it was 4.7826538 inches long.

[00:00:30] That's a really detailed ruler.

[00:00:31] Immediately people were calling me gay.

[00:00:35] Saying that my dick is small and I should kill myself and this was the reason we need

[00:00:39] to defund NPR.

[00:00:42] Oh shit, that happened to who's at Ira Glass?

[00:00:47] That's Ira.

[00:00:48] Today we're exploring why it's actually those people that are faggots.

[00:00:52] And not me.

[00:00:53] And not me.

[00:00:54] And that I'm cool.

[00:00:55] And I'm cool.

[00:00:56] My dick isn't even.

[00:00:57] And that was a trick ruler and my dick is actually much bigger than that.

[00:01:02] On today's American Life.

[00:01:04] The answer to haters is to do reverse hating.

[00:01:07] It is what we call it in my PhD program where we study hating.

[00:01:13] I actually wrote my doctoral thesis on being trolled and how I'm a faggot and actually

[00:01:21] a sever analysis fact and I'm cool.

[00:01:25] Damn.

[00:01:26] You hold thesis huh?

[00:01:27] Yeah, I might try to get a humanities degree.

[00:01:30] It would be so easy.

[00:01:31] To become America's foremost African American.

[00:01:34] My PhD scholar.

[00:01:35] Like you think it's actually bad to say the N word.

[00:01:39] Yeah.

[00:01:40] Yep.

[00:01:41] A study and.

[00:01:42] You're published.

[00:01:43] You mean for it's actually bad for black people to say it?

[00:01:46] You're doing academic research on that.

[00:01:48] It's not my place to say that it's white people need to stop.

[00:01:51] You need to stop be saying on the N word.

[00:01:53] Is that what your research would be on?

[00:01:56] Yes.

[00:01:57] Okay.

[00:01:58] That's good man.

[00:02:00] It would be cheap too.

[00:02:01] That's the other thing.

[00:02:02] It's like yeah it would be so easy but then you're like yeah.

[00:02:05] Not about research.

[00:02:06] I'm about be search.

[00:02:07] Okay.

[00:02:08] You got to be about your research.

[00:02:09] That's right.

[00:02:10] You're studying.

[00:02:11] But you're not about research.

[00:02:12] We got to stop doing research because that's just repeating something some other.

[00:02:17] Got.

[00:02:18] Yeah.

[00:02:19] Yeah.

[00:02:20] Yeah.

[00:02:21] Some other player says.

[00:02:22] That's a player.

[00:02:23] Yeah.

[00:02:24] That's why I'm going to be ready player ones about.

[00:02:28] Yeah.

[00:02:30] It's about a player's ball.

[00:02:31] Yeah.

[00:02:32] It would be funny if that I mean this is such a funny thing to pitch out as a joke.

[00:02:35] It's like you know it would be funny if something that didn't happen at all.

[00:02:39] It was actually like there's like a translation error and then so like in all video games

[00:02:43] they came over for Japan instead of player.

[00:02:49] And how I don't know exactly how you're right.

[00:02:51] The press is start to.

[00:02:54] On the player would have been replaced by a different word.

[00:02:59] Yeah.

[00:03:00] What you're saying.

[00:03:01] That different word one that different word to yeah.

[00:03:04] Yeah.

[00:03:05] Wow.

[00:03:06] That would be funny.

[00:03:07] Yeah.

[00:03:08] That would be funny.

[00:03:09] It was the N word instead of player.

[00:03:13] In every video game.

[00:03:15] Would that be funny.

[00:03:19] Yeah.

[00:03:20] I have to admit that would be funny.

[00:03:23] Then kids wouldn't be saying it on Xbox Live because it would have gotten out of their

[00:03:28] system.

[00:03:29] So it's the Japanese is full.

[00:03:30] The Japanese could have saved a generation of white kids from being raised.

[00:03:34] Yeah.

[00:03:35] I'm going to Japanese you to suck my dick.

[00:03:37] Whoa.

[00:03:38] That would be awesome.

[00:03:39] You should have thought of that when we were there and said it to one of them.

[00:03:43] I did.

[00:03:44] I was going around saying I had to hold them.

[00:03:45] He said it to everyone.

[00:03:47] When Nick disappeared he was calling.

[00:03:48] That's what he was doing for his ass.

[00:03:50] He's like I really cracked it today.

[00:03:51] I was trying to go test something out.

[00:03:52] I was doing research for my doctoral thesis.

[00:03:54] Yeah.

[00:03:55] Right.

[00:03:56] The Japanese people understand the N word if you scream it at them.

[00:03:59] What were you finding?

[00:04:00] At Harvard University.

[00:04:01] What were you finding?

[00:04:02] I don't know.

[00:04:03] I forgot the right shit then.

[00:04:06] I was so in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in

[00:04:11] in in in in in in in in in in in in in

[00:04:18] having a good time.

[00:04:30] Honestly that brings up some red flags because it's one thing to scream it at the jack because

[00:04:34] I was doing I was doing B search.

[00:04:36] Right.

[00:04:37] Right being about you know trying to do another man's research.

[00:04:40] I'm not trying to research.

[00:04:42] Yeah.

[00:04:43] You're doing B search.

[00:04:44] Which is original research.

[00:04:45] The original search.

[00:04:47] You're doing an original search.

[00:04:48] I'm doing original search.

[00:04:49] I'm not looking into something again.

[00:04:51] Yeah.

[00:04:52] I guess that is what research means.

[00:04:53] It's just the redoing a search.

[00:04:55] A search someone else.

[00:04:56] Right.

[00:04:57] You're using sources which is stealing as well.

[00:05:01] No.

[00:05:02] No.

[00:05:03] You can cite it.

[00:05:04] That's your problem.

[00:05:05] You've never cited your sources.

[00:05:06] I would never.

[00:05:07] You're extensive sources.

[00:05:09] You're a free set.

[00:05:10] You do as it should have a bibliography.

[00:05:12] Yeah.

[00:05:13] Well there is.

[00:05:14] You handed out.

[00:05:15] You handed out at the end of every say.

[00:05:17] It's like it's like that.

[00:05:19] Like that book.

[00:05:21] What do you call it?

[00:05:23] The big fat chicken chicken soup for being a fucking penis.

[00:05:27] Peanuts love and scoundrel.

[00:05:29] Yeah.

[00:05:30] It's like that book.

[00:05:33] The lion the witch in the wardrobe.

[00:05:35] The lion who sucked my dick robe.

[00:05:38] How about that?

[00:05:39] Yeah.

[00:05:40] It's about a wardrobe.

[00:05:41] You go in a closet and a lion sucks you off.

[00:05:45] That's really cool.

[00:05:47] Would you be scared the lion would bite your cock off?

[00:05:50] Yeah.

[00:05:51] I wouldn't accept a blooded up from a lion.

[00:05:52] I would love to go through that closet and then the lion as a lion is like welcome to

[00:05:56] Narnia.

[00:05:57] I'm like what's your call again?

[00:05:58] He's like it's called Narnia.

[00:06:00] And then he's like this is a magical place.

[00:06:02] I'm like what was his name one more time?

[00:06:04] He's like it's Narnia.

[00:06:05] Yeah.

[00:06:06] I'm like how many ends are in that?

[00:06:07] He's like two.

[00:06:09] He's like anyways I'm a talking lion.

[00:06:12] I'm like can you tell me how many ends are in Narnia again?

[00:06:15] He's like what is going on?

[00:06:17] Yeah.

[00:06:18] And I'm like it's some real world thing you don't understand.

[00:06:21] Oh you don't think they have racial slurs in Narnia?

[00:06:24] Yeah.

[00:06:25] Well there's no reason to.

[00:06:27] I don't know.

[00:06:28] I haven't read the book.

[00:06:29] You're saying there's no racism?

[00:06:31] I feel like what is the...

[00:06:33] I did read it.

[00:06:34] I read it when I was like in...

[00:06:35] What's going on there?

[00:06:36] The lion is fighting with...

[00:06:37] The lion is Jesus right?

[00:06:39] Yeah it's a Christian thing.

[00:06:41] Yeah.

[00:06:42] Yeah it's the guy who sees the Lewis.

[00:06:46] It seems like the lamest one of the fantasy ones.

[00:06:50] The lion that was in the wardrobe.

[00:06:52] I remember as a kid because I read all of them as a child before I knew it was Christian.

[00:06:57] Yeah trying to poison your mind.

[00:07:00] And I remember a voyage of the Dawn Treader being the one that I enjoyed the most.

[00:07:04] What happens in that?

[00:07:05] I don't remember.

[00:07:06] What the fuck dude?

[00:07:07] I wanted to get the cliff nope.

[00:07:08] I don't remember what happened to any of them.

[00:07:09] I just remember that being the one that I liked.

[00:07:12] Why did you like it?

[00:07:13] It was the most entertaining of the...

[00:07:16] You don't even have one thing that stands out.

[00:07:18] There's a boat.

[00:07:19] It's like a big one.

[00:07:20] The lion is like a king right?

[00:07:22] He was like a warrior.

[00:07:23] It's like a warrior or something.

[00:07:25] Yeah.

[00:07:26] And also time works differently when you're in the wardrobe.

[00:07:29] The lion, the witch in the wardrobe is a fucking house and there's some kids and they

[00:07:33] discover a closet.

[00:07:34] Like a wardrobe.

[00:07:35] Yeah.

[00:07:36] It's secret.

[00:07:37] A toilet.

[00:07:38] Put you to the fucking...

[00:07:39] And it's like that because Jesus said pray in the closet.

[00:07:43] So the children are demonstrating modesty in their faith and that leads them into...

[00:07:51] I like that Jesus probably got his dicks sucked by Mary Magdalene.

[00:07:55] Yeah.

[00:07:56] I don't think he did.

[00:07:57] Well have you seen the last temptation of Christ?

[00:07:59] Yeah.

[00:08:00] I know that's what that heretical account would say.

[00:08:04] But I don't think our Lord was getting his big butt.

[00:08:06] He definitely did.

[00:08:07] Listen.

[00:08:08] What's the point of being human if you never get pussy?

[00:08:11] You don't have to listen.

[00:08:12] He doesn't...

[00:08:13] Okay.

[00:08:14] He's a son of a man.

[00:08:15] He was no.

[00:08:16] He was a son of God.

[00:08:17] God.

[00:08:18] He's a man.

[00:08:19] He's half God.

[00:08:20] No.

[00:08:21] He's one of...

[00:08:22] He's one third of God.

[00:08:23] So you're going to get some fucking pussy?

[00:08:24] That's the whole point.

[00:08:25] You get...

[00:08:26] He's the only part of God that's in the flesh.

[00:08:27] So to really understand the human experience, he needs to feel pussy on his dick.

[00:08:30] He didn't get pussy but God got pussy from his mom.

[00:08:34] From the Virgin Mary.

[00:08:35] From the Virgin Mary.

[00:08:37] No.

[00:08:38] No.

[00:08:39] What do you mean?

[00:08:40] What happened is, and everybody knows this, the Archangel Michael sucked off God and

[00:08:43] he spit nut into her pussy.

[00:08:46] And that's how the cause was born.

[00:08:47] God is tick-stucked by a guy?

[00:08:49] By a mic.

[00:08:50] No, it's an angel.

[00:08:51] That's the other thing.

[00:08:52] Actual angels are all their like eyes and fucking mouths and assholes.

[00:08:56] It's like a big rolling thing of things you can fuck.

[00:08:59] No, it's Jack.

[00:09:00] Except eyes.

[00:09:01] I guess you can't fuck eyes.

[00:09:02] It's Jack's guys with wings and it's big-titted women with wings.

[00:09:04] That would be awesome.

[00:09:05] Did you see that Noah movie?

[00:09:07] Yeah, the Darren Aronoski one.

[00:09:09] That was awesome.

[00:09:10] It rocked.

[00:09:11] It was doing karate.

[00:09:12] He was doing karate.

[00:09:13] Yeah, and he was like wearing jeans.

[00:09:15] Yeah.

[00:09:16] Wait, wait.

[00:09:17] Oh, the one with the...

[00:09:18] I'm like watch...

[00:09:19] I'm like, watch Noah again.

[00:09:20] That movie is ridiculous.

[00:09:21] It's fun.

[00:09:22] Yeah.

[00:09:23] Yeah.

[00:09:24] It's what if Noah knew karate.

[00:09:25] That's awesome.

[00:09:26] Yeah.

[00:09:27] Well, it's also Russell Crowe.

[00:09:28] And it's Russell Crowe.

[00:09:29] So he's like, these faggots are disrespecting God.

[00:09:32] Yeah, and he's like beating the shit out of people.

[00:09:35] He's like, God needs me to roundhouse care.

[00:09:38] That's awesome.

[00:09:39] You see, you have a lot of animals.

[00:09:41] Yeah, it's got two of every kind.

[00:09:44] That's cool.

[00:09:45] So sick.

[00:09:46] Yeah, that is sick.

[00:09:47] That story is sick because it involves mass extinction and death.

[00:09:52] And also like a guy that like knows all about different types of animals.

[00:09:56] You know?

[00:09:57] See, you know, and obviously that's not a real story, but then every fucking animal

[00:10:02] would be like the Habsburgs.

[00:10:04] Right.

[00:10:05] Because they don't be fucking, they don't be brothers and sisters.

[00:10:07] Well, I was thought about that about Cain and Abel.

[00:10:10] Yeah, I mean, that's the story of the Bible is that you just all wanted to assess.

[00:10:13] No, no, no.

[00:10:14] I thought that there's like if a bunch of Adam and Eve had kids, then brothers and sisters

[00:10:19] the whole beginning of the Bible is all the beginning that happened.

[00:10:22] I feel like there's some other random people somewhere.

[00:10:25] What do you mean?

[00:10:26] Those are the first two people.

[00:10:28] I just feel like there's the snake in them.

[00:10:30] Yeah, Adam and Eve have what's what Seth is that their kid?

[00:10:34] They have Cain and Abel.

[00:10:35] No, because then Seth's one of them.

[00:10:37] It's like three or four down.

[00:10:39] Mm hmm.

[00:10:40] Yeah, there is a Seth and it's like Seth and Sarah have like 30 kids and they all fuck each

[00:10:45] other.

[00:10:46] Yeah.

[00:10:47] Really something like that.

[00:10:48] No, I think they when you get cast out of heaven, there were some people already hanging

[00:10:51] out.

[00:10:52] That's my hypothesis.

[00:10:54] There were people when they left the Garden of Eden.

[00:10:58] Yes.

[00:10:59] I think so.

[00:11:00] I think I asked a rabbi once and he said that Cain and Abel had twin sisters and they

[00:11:06] fucked each other's sisters.

[00:11:08] I swear to God, I think that's what the answer was.

[00:11:11] That's awesome.

[00:11:12] Yeah.

[00:11:13] And then isn't it Islam?

[00:11:14] Isn't it Islam?

[00:11:15] Isn't it?

[00:11:16] And there's Ishmael who's like someone's kid with a prostitute.

[00:11:20] Yes, see that's what I'm saying.

[00:11:22] Muslims come from.

[00:11:23] That's what I'm saying.

[00:11:24] That's what I'm saying.

[00:11:25] Abraham's married to Sarah.

[00:11:26] Abraham's married to Sarah.

[00:11:27] That's what Islam is.

[00:11:29] He's Abraham's first wife.

[00:11:31] The concubine.

[00:11:32] Yeah, the concubine gave him Ishmael.

[00:11:35] No, Sarah gave him Ishmael.

[00:11:36] The concubine gave him some other.

[00:11:39] Sarah gave him Isaac.

[00:11:41] Isaac.

[00:11:42] And then the other one, Ishmael is the one with the concubine that is like there's some

[00:11:46] Islam connection.

[00:11:47] Yeah.

[00:11:48] So Islam comes from the illegitimate.

[00:11:50] So Islam comes from side pussy.

[00:11:53] Yes.

[00:11:54] So it's the cooler religion.

[00:11:55] Like Abraham's wife was like, I think he met her when she was like, his other son is

[00:12:01] trying to nut inside for years.

[00:12:03] And then she got mad old and she wasn't having a kid.

[00:12:06] Islam is all based on Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights.

[00:12:10] That was the first Muslim.

[00:12:12] Wait, Heathcliff the cat?

[00:12:14] Yes.

[00:12:15] From Wuthering Heights.

[00:12:16] What's Wuthering Heights?

[00:12:17] It's a book about a bitch that fucks.

[00:12:19] Isn't that a cute book?

[00:12:20] Isn't that a cute book?

[00:12:21] Well, that's what the song is about.

[00:12:22] It's me, I'm Kathy.

[00:12:25] Yeah.

[00:12:26] Heathcliff.

[00:12:27] Heathcliff.

[00:12:28] That's the book.

[00:12:29] I want to fuck Heathcliff.

[00:12:32] It's me getting haunted to fuck Heathcliff.

[00:12:35] I'm not about the Wuthering Heights.

[00:12:37] I'm about brothering Heights.

[00:12:39] That's the right.

[00:12:40] And you know I said that.

[00:12:41] Dude.

[00:12:42] It's in the state where brothers learn how to love each other.

[00:12:45] Oh, so you're gay?

[00:12:47] It's even a brotherly sense.

[00:12:50] Dude.

[00:12:51] That's what I'm saying though.

[00:12:54] There was bitches out there outside the Garden of Eden to get pussy from.

[00:12:59] I don't think so.

[00:13:01] I think so.

[00:13:02] I think there were two people.

[00:13:03] It's right there in the beginning of the Bible.

[00:13:05] Nah, dude.

[00:13:06] That's just, that's the part everyone reads, but there's an extra other part.

[00:13:10] You just seek for Bible.

[00:13:11] It's not secret.

[00:13:12] It's just later on that you don't really fucking pay attention to.

[00:13:16] Yeah.

[00:13:17] I don't know.

[00:13:18] It's me.

[00:13:19] So can he.

[00:13:21] Heathcliff's penis.

[00:13:23] All that shit is real.

[00:13:25] Wait, what's Wuthering Heights?

[00:13:27] There's a guy named Heathcliff.

[00:13:28] It's a book by this lady, Emily Bronte.

[00:13:32] Fuck her.

[00:13:33] Heathcliff is a cat.

[00:13:35] I don't want to hear.

[00:13:36] You can't use the word.

[00:13:37] Thank you.

[00:13:38] The name Heathcliff is a cat in the story.

[00:13:42] It's based on it.

[00:13:43] Oh, it is.

[00:13:44] Yeah.

[00:13:45] He's like Mr. Mistoples.

[00:13:47] Oh, dude, hell yeah.

[00:13:49] Respect the Mr. Mistoples.

[00:13:50] Yeah.

[00:13:51] I forgot when we watched cats.

[00:13:52] He comes to this like English house, the country house and starts getting pushed away.

[00:13:57] Hell yeah, dude.

[00:13:58] They're like, how dare you fuck?

[00:14:00] Mr. Mistoples.

[00:14:01] Oh, wait.

[00:14:02] It's nice.

[00:14:03] His name's Heathcliff.

[00:14:04] Mr. Mistoples.

[00:14:05] Well, they, they do prefer to him.

[00:14:06] That's his last name.

[00:14:07] It's the wrong.

[00:14:08] It's the wrong.

[00:14:09] Oh, I thought it was Heathcliff.

[00:14:11] Mistoples.

[00:14:12] He's Greek.

[00:14:13] Mistoples is Noah's father.

[00:14:14] Yeah, in the movie.

[00:14:17] Anthony Hopkins plays Mr. Mistoples.

[00:14:22] Who's gone into the forest to kill himself with dancing.

[00:14:28] Oh, hell yeah.

[00:14:31] I do still intend on when we go back to the normal times on us following through on our

[00:14:37] plan to take ecstasy and go see cats.

[00:14:40] I'll do that right now.

[00:14:42] I was, I was fucking beating that drum and it was not actually it's mushrooms.

[00:14:47] Well, either way, I don't think that we should lose sight of that goal.

[00:14:52] I've been talking about that for years.

[00:14:54] I'm honoring that plan.

[00:14:56] Thank you.

[00:14:57] It's a good plan.

[00:14:58] Thank you.

[00:14:59] It's still about fucking time, but isn't it?

[00:15:00] It's gone now.

[00:15:01] You can't even see cats.

[00:15:02] New York has been ravaged by deadly virus.

[00:15:04] Andrew Lloyd Webber has to live again.

[00:15:06] Cats back to fucking revive the city.

[00:15:09] Andrew, Andrew Lloyd, right?

[00:15:10] Andrew Lloyd Webber is the guy that invented the grills.

[00:15:14] The weeper grills.

[00:15:15] The weeper?

[00:15:16] Yeah.

[00:15:17] Andrew Lloyd, right?

[00:15:19] No, it's Andrew Lloyd Webber, dude.

[00:15:21] I know the show.

[00:15:22] Andrew Lloyd, right.

[00:15:23] And Andrew Lloyd, right is a different guy.

[00:15:25] No, they were the guys that invented plays.

[00:15:28] It was twin brothers.

[00:15:30] No, dude.

[00:15:31] You're not going to fucking get me on this.

[00:15:33] Christopher Lloyd Webber is who you think you're at.

[00:15:35] Christopher Lloyd Webber is one of the things.

[00:15:36] I'm in a grill, Marty.

[00:15:38] And we can put Chinese kids in it.

[00:15:42] Andrew Lloyd Webber were two twins that were identical twins that invented plays who were

[00:15:47] also gay together.

[00:15:48] Andrew Lloyd, Andrew Lloyd.

[00:15:49] Andrew Lloyd.

[00:15:50] Why are you putting Chinese kids in the grill, Doc?

[00:15:53] Because we're trying to stop Asian hate, Marty.

[00:15:56] They're delicious because they taste good.

[00:16:00] I'm just, I only care about changing time frames.

[00:16:05] I didn't think about doing Asian racism until they told me I couldn't anymore.

[00:16:10] So, so by grilling the Chinese children, he's stopping it or he's doing it?

[00:16:15] I'm just, I'm being obstinate.

[00:16:18] I've got oppositional defiance to Zoramani.

[00:16:22] I'm having a temper tantrum.

[00:16:26] They put me in the emotional disabilities class and I bit somebody.

[00:16:31] Damn dude.

[00:16:37] Do you think in this whole stop Asian hate thing the bare naked ladies have gotten called

[00:16:42] out?

[00:16:43] Chicken each other, the Chinese chicken?

[00:16:44] That's not cool.

[00:16:46] It's fucked up.

[00:16:47] Yeah.

[00:16:48] How dare you?

[00:16:49] Although I will say Chinese chicken is delicious.

[00:16:51] It's okay.

[00:16:52] General So's sweet and sour.

[00:16:55] Kung Pao.

[00:16:56] Chicken wings in that Chinese little fucking oil.

[00:17:00] That fucked up oil.

[00:17:01] It has all the different shit they fry.

[00:17:03] That's why I went from a Chinese place with tier A number one.

[00:17:09] Let me go on Mushu chicken, not as good, but Mushu is good.

[00:17:13] Mushu pork.

[00:17:14] Mushu pork.

[00:17:15] Now you're speaking my, now my prickadilla is getting fucking stiff.

[00:17:21] Now you're speaking my language.

[00:17:23] Chinese.

[00:17:24] Now we're speaking Chinese.

[00:17:26] Now you're speaking Chinese.

[00:17:29] I could talk about Chinese food for quite some time.

[00:17:33] Why don't we speak Chinese to each other's pussies?

[00:17:37] My name is Michael Douglas and I'm trans.

[00:17:41] Nice.

[00:17:42] Mike's got a fucking cunt.

[00:17:44] Good afternoon.

[00:17:45] My name is Michael Douglas.

[00:17:46] I'm an FTM trans actor.

[00:17:49] Wait, he's FTM?

[00:17:50] He's FTM.

[00:17:51] I am FTM.

[00:17:52] Oh, interesting.

[00:17:53] So he still has a pussy.

[00:17:55] My birth name was Mackenzie Douglas.

[00:17:58] Okay, so he's FTM.

[00:18:00] He does have a voice of an FTM.

[00:18:02] Yeah.

[00:18:03] In a, like plausibly.

[00:18:04] I can say there is like a lady.

[00:18:06] The Bobby Hill sort of.

[00:18:08] Yeah.

[00:18:09] A little rasp over some high, hardness.

[00:18:13] Fuck dude.

[00:18:14] We're talking about Chinese food.

[00:18:15] All I had was a salad for breakfast.

[00:18:17] I'm pissed off now.

[00:18:18] I'm sorry man.

[00:18:19] That wasn't cool of us.

[00:18:22] No, it's not your fault.

[00:18:23] I wanted so cool.

[00:18:24] No, it's like you're trying to not do crack and then we're like.

[00:18:27] I want to suck a fucking, I want to, we're like, oh, what's your favorite flavor of crack?

[00:18:31] You know, it'd be awesome if you could suck one long, low main noodle for eternity.

[00:18:36] Oh, and you're just eating it forever.

[00:18:38] Yeah, that would be cool.

[00:18:40] That would be so fucking tight.

[00:18:42] Like, like green cartoons where someone goes to hell and they're being force fed from a conveyor belt.

[00:18:46] No, not like that.

[00:18:48] In a nice way.

[00:18:49] And it, where it's one slow.

[00:18:51] Have you thought about getting a tape worm to help you with your diet?

[00:18:54] I think there's other negative health side effects.

[00:18:58] Have you considered doing that, the thing where you eat an African child's shit and then to get the flora and fauna?

[00:19:05] Yeah, that's a big celeb craze.

[00:19:07] It's a big thing.

[00:19:08] People really do that.

[00:19:09] A lot of celebs are a lot of...

[00:19:10] Well, they get their ass.

[00:19:11] They have, I mean, they're eating it as a joke, but they do like get African children's shit and have a j- like put into their ass.

[00:19:18] What?

[00:19:19] Yeah, they change their like gut chemistry.

[00:19:21] Why African children shit?

[00:19:23] Because if you're going to do anything, you might as well take it from Africa.

[00:19:27] If you're a millionaire and you're involved in some fad, it has to involve stealing resources from Africa.

[00:19:33] Yes, yes.

[00:19:34] We've already taken all the other resources.

[00:19:36] Neo-colonialism now it's not even taking the sheep.

[00:19:39] It's, it's, I wonder if there's a Wokey count being like, y'all, they're stealing our shit.

[00:19:44] He's kind of Christopher.

[00:19:48] Christopher, uh, Colin Bus.

[00:19:52] Something like that.

[00:19:54] There's definitely some of those going to say they're stealing our shit.

[00:19:57] Yeah.

[00:19:58] They're taking everything.

[00:20:00] Yeah.

[00:20:01] They're taking our baby's shit.

[00:20:03] They're taking our poor toe in the potty maria.

[00:20:06] Fuck dude.

[00:20:09] My body's failing me.

[00:20:11] I have to be honest with you guys.

[00:20:12] Why?

[00:20:13] I don't know.

[00:20:14] I didn't get enough sleep.

[00:20:15] I can't sleep.

[00:20:16] You're too hungry to fall asleep.

[00:20:17] No, I don't know man.

[00:20:18] It's because I was on this nice schedule where I'm fucking going to bed early, waking up early,

[00:20:23] and then I started doing a couple spots and, uh, you know, I'm staying up late sometimes,

[00:20:31] and now I can't fucking, uh, I can't, I can't feces door.

[00:20:35] Confeces door.

[00:20:36] Yes.

[00:20:37] Mm-hmm.

[00:20:38] Keep going.

[00:20:39] I'm just going to work on this.

[00:20:40] Okay.

[00:20:41] Uh, and, uh, so you know, man, I don't know.

[00:20:44] I'm just fucking sleepy.

[00:20:45] I only got six.

[00:20:46] I got the Fitbit, and it's tracking my sleep.

[00:20:50] I only got six hours today.

[00:20:52] Yeah.

[00:20:53] I like to get eight.

[00:20:55] Yeah.

[00:20:56] Most people need it.

[00:20:57] I like to get eight, but I have six.

[00:21:01] It's the story of my penis.

[00:21:03] Mm-hmm.

[00:21:04] But you don't have six.

[00:21:05] Well, I think pretty close.

[00:21:08] I think functionally it's six, you know.

[00:21:13] I haven't taken a rule or two at the quite some time.

[00:21:16] It might have had a little growth spurt.

[00:21:18] All have you know, I tell people six for you.

[00:21:21] Thanks, man.

[00:21:22] I say, you know, my friend's stop.

[00:21:23] He's got a six.

[00:21:24] Yeah.

[00:21:25] Now people ask pretty often.

[00:21:26] People are always asking.

[00:21:27] Yeah, but that's right.

[00:21:28] We had a John Patton thing where he said I had a big dick and, yeah, Sean.

[00:21:32] Oh, yeah.

[00:21:33] Yeah.

[00:21:34] I should, that was wild, dude.

[00:21:36] And it's just, you know, you didn't have a, I guess, you just, you just let, you know,

[00:21:41] maybe Sean's got a really little dick in my dick did look big.

[00:21:44] I don't know.

[00:21:45] I think he was taking his dick out that night actually.

[00:21:47] Did it look nice?

[00:21:48] I didn't see.

[00:21:49] I saw his ass.

[00:21:50] No, this, that was a different time.

[00:21:52] This is a different time.

[00:21:53] This is way long, though.

[00:21:54] This is when you're on stage.

[00:21:55] And you said my dick looked nice.

[00:21:57] Oh, that's, yeah.

[00:21:58] Recently you said no.

[00:21:59] You said no.

[00:22:00] I just...

[00:22:01] Yeah, I feel like we should have stayed on that thread of a...

[00:22:04] Kong feces door?

[00:22:05] Yeah, just the whole idea of a colonizer is going and stealing shit.

[00:22:08] And what people being mad about it, a younger, you know, a killer, the killer in me would

[00:22:15] have gone after that one.

[00:22:16] Right.

[00:22:17] We could get back into it.

[00:22:18] No, you had the, you had to start going off about, you know, Hebrew school or whatever

[00:22:24] you're talking about.

[00:22:25] I didn't bring that up.

[00:22:27] Yeah.

[00:22:28] How was Hebrew?

[00:22:29] Can you imagine, did school, bad enough already, but Hebrew?

[00:22:33] The Hebrew version.

[00:22:34] Yeah.

[00:22:35] Yeah.

[00:22:36] I'm the victim here, guys.

[00:22:37] I'd go to Greek school.

[00:22:38] What's next?

[00:22:39] Women's prison.

[00:22:40] They have that.

[00:22:42] Yeah.

[00:22:43] Also now, cunts, it's not enough.

[00:22:46] It's a good jail.

[00:22:47] They have to take the one thing men have, go in the prison.

[00:22:50] And they're like, but now it's for girls.

[00:22:53] No, I think men are becoming soft in the modern day because every generation like our grandfather's

[00:23:00] generation, every generation of men would go to jail.

[00:23:03] That's why I subscribe to like a delivery switch hole and straight razor service.

[00:23:08] Yeah.

[00:23:09] To prove that you're not gay.

[00:23:11] Yeah.

[00:23:12] I actually, I pay $30 a month.

[00:23:13] I know, sorry, we're doing reads now on the premium episodes, but Hemingway is the premium

[00:23:20] subscription, homemade flavorless root beer made out of rat piss.

[00:23:26] It's the same thing that, that, that fucking Lewis and Clark would drink when they were

[00:23:32] buying slaves.

[00:23:33] They were going across Africa, eating shit and murdering the wildlife.

[00:23:42] Every, yeah, every, every, every two weeks I get a leather box sent to my house and it's

[00:23:47] filled with a shit from Africa.

[00:23:51] African shit.

[00:23:53] Whisk really fucking strong whisk.

[00:23:55] A mustache comb.

[00:23:57] Yep.

[00:23:58] A cigarette lighter made out of bronze.

[00:24:01] Yep.

[00:24:02] A little genie lamp.

[00:24:04] That's right.

[00:24:05] And then a copy of the Quran.

[00:24:07] Whoa.

[00:24:08] Every, every month?

[00:24:10] The frontier Quran.

[00:24:11] Yeah.

[00:24:12] That's awesome.

[00:24:13] That's awesome.

[00:24:15] Mm hmm.

[00:24:16] So who's, who's, where's Muhammad coming?

[00:24:19] If, if, if, uh, Ishmael was like some side pussy, is he like Ishmael's grandson?

[00:24:24] Muhammad is the guy that wrote, like he was the prophet.

[00:24:27] So he wrote down everything God said.

[00:24:29] Gotcha.

[00:24:30] And he comes like what?

[00:24:32] 1400 years later or some shit.

[00:24:35] Yeah.

[00:24:36] And he conquered the Mecca and Medina.

[00:24:40] Oh, nice.

[00:24:41] And he also, he wrote a, Medina sounds like a hot girl's name.

[00:24:44] Yeah.

[00:24:45] Yeah.

[00:24:46] Yeah.

[00:24:47] Yeah.

[00:24:48] Yeah.

[00:24:49] Yeah.

[00:24:50] Yeah.

[00:24:51] Yeah.

[00:24:52] Yeah.

[00:24:53] Yeah.

[00:24:54] Yeah.

[00:24:55] Yeah.

[00:24:56] Yeah.

[00:24:57] Yeah.

[00:24:58] Yeah.

[00:24:59] Yeah.

[00:25:00] I'm trying to get my Dick's like by Medina.

[00:25:03] I'll tell you that.

[00:25:04] Muhammad wrote a horse from the ground up to heaven.

[00:25:07] Really?

[00:25:08] That's pretty tight.

[00:25:09] Way in Jerusalem.

[00:25:11] I don't believe that, dude.

[00:25:13] That's, I, I believe that.

[00:25:14] I believe the thing about me is that I believe all religions.

[00:25:18] What's Zoroastrian is, remember they taught us about that in school?

[00:25:21] That's what they copied Christianity from.

[00:25:23] Yeah.

[00:25:24] Oh, really?

[00:25:25] Yeah.

[00:25:26] Yeah.

[00:25:27] It's a, it's like the way, the way apparently, um, it's like the way that he, it's like the

[00:25:29] way that he's, um, Quentin Tarantino, his reservoir dogs are just a, there's a movie

[00:25:33] that already exists, it's basically reservoir dogs.

[00:25:35] Mm hmm.

[00:25:36] That's what Zoroastrian is.

[00:25:37] What's the name of the movie?

[00:25:39] I don't know.

[00:25:40] I think it's French or some shit.

[00:25:41] Bea's of War dogs.

[00:25:43] I'm trying to be a war.

[00:25:46] Bea's of war.

[00:25:47] You know, I'm trying to be more it's of war.

[00:25:49] It's of war.

[00:25:50] It's of war is a great name.

[00:25:53] What's up, y'all, my name's of war.

[00:25:56] Oh yeah.

[00:25:57] You know, I'm trying to try to be O's of War.

[00:26:00] O's of War.

[00:26:01] O's of War.

[00:26:02] Oh, sexual.

[00:26:03] Madam Wazell.

[00:26:04] O's of War to you.

[00:26:05] Yeah.

[00:26:06] I'm a reservoir dog, Madam Wazell.

[00:26:12] I got a Mr. Pink you can meet, Madam Wazell.

[00:26:15] Yeah, I'd like to make a reservoir for 8.30 people.

[00:26:18] I'm not sure.

[00:26:20] Your finest Tom Slout available.

[00:26:25] What is the available callity of your even-offs?

[00:26:29] Uh-huh.

[00:26:30] It's so fun to talk like that.

[00:26:34] Maybe I'm literally dying.

[00:26:35] I've got to piss really more.

[00:26:37] I'm not eating enough.

[00:26:38] I don't know.

[00:26:39] But this has been a problem as long as I've known you.

[00:26:40] It's a lot of piss.

[00:26:41] It's more than usual recently.

[00:26:43] Have you ever considered, possibly, instead of a human being or actually a giant pitcher

[00:26:49] filled with lemonade, that bursts through a wall?

[00:26:52] I have not.

[00:26:53] Can I be honest?

[00:26:54] I would actually, in life, is that you're not destroying houses to introduce kids to

[00:26:58] lemonade.

[00:26:59] Yeah, that would be true for...

[00:27:01] I would be so pissed if I was not a human.

[00:27:04] If I'm some robot or some shit or like some anthropomorphic fucking big giant bladder

[00:27:09] filled with piss and...

[00:27:11] Yeah, with sugary piss.

[00:27:13] A piss filled cooler.

[00:27:14] You're created for a defunct brand.

[00:27:16] Yeah, dude.

[00:27:17] If I'm a fucking thrown away mascot that just exists sort of in a nether realm, then I'm

[00:27:24] like, right now I'd be fucking pissed off.

[00:27:26] And you're constantly just like denying your true self.

[00:27:31] Trying to be a real man.

[00:27:33] A real man.

[00:27:34] Yeah.

[00:27:35] And that's why my dick doesn't work.

[00:27:37] That's why I piss all the time.

[00:27:39] I saw a Dalmatian the other day.

[00:27:40] You don't see those very often.

[00:27:42] They all died on 9-11.

[00:27:44] I think so.

[00:27:45] Damn.

[00:27:46] How many Dalmatians died on 9-11?

[00:27:49] 100 more than how many there were.

[00:27:52] The firefighters sent the Dalmatians in first of the towers.

[00:27:57] And they weren't doing shit.

[00:27:59] They got fucked up.

[00:28:00] They were eating all the snacks in the offices.

[00:28:03] Cruella Alville was the...

[00:28:06] Cruella Alville was the most...

[00:28:09] It's the most...

[00:28:12] What's going on?

[00:28:13] There's so many shootings now.

[00:28:14] It's very funny.

[00:28:15] There's a shooting or a bat.

[00:28:17] But now it's like every 15 minutes or like 18 dead in a...

[00:28:21] Yeah, yeah.

[00:28:22] Everyone thought it was going to be a horny summer.

[00:28:24] As much as everyone was waiting to fuck.

[00:28:27] It's everyone's waiting to do mass shootings.

[00:28:28] It's funny because it's like, oh, like, oh, well, that didn't happen during Trump.

[00:28:32] There's all the shit that happened under Trump that I feel like the media didn't go after

[00:28:35] because they knew it was just going to immediately happen again with Democrats.

[00:28:39] Yeah.

[00:28:40] So they didn't want to like set themselves up for a...

[00:28:41] I don't know.

[00:28:42] They went pretty wild on the fucking border crisis shit that's still going buck wild.

[00:28:46] Yeah, the border crisis.

[00:28:48] But I mean, like bombing Syria.

[00:28:52] I don't think anyone really gated like you didn't get it.

[00:28:54] No one's ever given a fuck about that.

[00:28:55] Well, that's what I mean.

[00:28:56] Yeah, yeah.

[00:28:57] But then the shootings, I mean, there had to have been shootings happening.

[00:29:00] Well, I guess not most of the pandemic.

[00:29:02] But when did Stephen Paddick happen?

[00:29:05] That was during Trump, I think.

[00:29:07] Yeah, it was really...

[00:29:08] Yeah.

[00:29:09] Yeah.

[00:29:10] That one was...

[00:29:11] That one...

[00:29:12] Everything...

[00:29:13] That one was so awesome.

[00:29:14] It was an assault on country.

[00:29:15] That guy's awesome, dude.

[00:29:17] Everything so buck wild happened there.

[00:29:20] It's no way it was that guy, right?

[00:29:22] I'm on my fucking Alex Jones shit with that one.

[00:29:24] No, it was probably like he was like some kind of like...

[00:29:29] The same way Epstein is like, is this like a CIA agent that reports to Langley?

[00:29:34] No.

[00:29:35] It's like a guy that had a contact and they use them for like these honeypot operations

[00:29:39] and just let him do his pedophile socializing.

[00:29:43] And then he probably like brokers the information or something with like intelligence agencies.

[00:29:50] And the same thing with Stephen Paddick is he's probably a guy that like sells weapons

[00:29:55] or does weapons bullshit on the side that had like some kind of acknowledgement from

[00:30:00] the State Department and something went wrong with like...

[00:30:02] Because they had all these cameras set up in the place.

[00:30:05] Yeah.

[00:30:06] He's probably selling weapons to Saudis and they dipped out before like the authorities

[00:30:10] got there.

[00:30:11] And then he just would.

[00:30:12] Well, they probably killed them and then shot up the thing and then left and then you know,

[00:30:17] nice.

[00:30:18] And it was Muslims.

[00:30:23] Probably those motherfuckers.

[00:30:24] Those guys honestly hear the people that have had the hottest winning streak the last since

[00:30:28] 9-11.

[00:30:30] The Saudis and Putin.

[00:30:33] Those guys can't...

[00:30:34] All they do is win, bro.

[00:30:36] Putin he's just taken over Russia and the Saudis like did Stephen Paddick.

[00:30:41] They killed that fucking journalist.

[00:30:44] Who knows what other shit they're doing and they hacked.

[00:30:46] They got Jeff Bezos' cock picture.

[00:30:48] Remember that?

[00:30:49] Where they hacked his fucking email or whatever.

[00:30:51] The Saudis.

[00:30:52] They sent him like a link and he clicked on it and they got his cock pictures.

[00:30:58] And they did 9-11.

[00:30:59] Wow.

[00:31:00] And then they were just like, yo, kid, yo, Toronto.

[00:31:03] Better watch out before a little something happens to you.

[00:31:06] Wink, wink.

[00:31:07] And they had like a picture of a plane.

[00:31:08] Remember that Twitter post?

[00:31:10] From Saudi Arabia.

[00:31:11] Yes.

[00:31:12] That's cool.

[00:31:13] I think it's cool that they...

[00:31:14] They're on an absolute winning streak and we lose a lot.

[00:31:16] I think it's true that their king makes the president of the United States hold his

[00:31:20] hand.

[00:31:21] Yeah, exactly.

[00:31:22] He makes the president do gay shit.

[00:31:24] He makes you be gay.

[00:31:28] Those guys honestly are fucking crushing it.

[00:31:30] Yeah.

[00:31:31] Someone had a post on Twitter this week where it was this building in Saudi Arabia that

[00:31:38] I didn't know is the second tallest building in the world.

[00:31:41] Hell yeah.

[00:31:42] But it's like a mall.

[00:31:43] When you can ski in or whatever.

[00:31:44] It looks like shit.

[00:31:45] The second dick is building.

[00:31:47] It looks bad.

[00:31:48] Oh yeah.

[00:31:49] Yeah.

[00:31:50] It's yeah.

[00:31:51] It's got like a Muslim crescent on the top of it.

[00:31:55] But yeah, I just had no idea.

[00:31:57] That's cool.

[00:31:58] The Muslim crescent looks tight.

[00:31:59] I have to admit.

[00:32:00] The Muslim crescent?

[00:32:01] Yeah, it's not bad.

[00:32:03] Design wise, it's better than the cross.

[00:32:05] I always saw it and thought that it would be cool if it was like a throwing star type

[00:32:11] of weapon.

[00:32:12] It might be.

[00:32:13] Yeah.

[00:32:14] If it was like if Saudi guys put it like made into a blade type of thing that they.

[00:32:19] I've seen that.

[00:32:20] How about in sort of Saudi Arabia, it's a place called Shouty at Babya.

[00:32:23] It's like a Muslim cat calling country.

[00:32:26] That's good.

[00:32:27] Yeah.

[00:32:28] Like hello, baby.

[00:32:29] You better be careful.

[00:32:36] We don't want to get on their shit.

[00:32:43] Dude, if we were on their shit list, we'd be fucking going in a second.

[00:32:47] You get black bagged for sure.

[00:32:50] I have a lot of respect.

[00:32:52] And honestly, I swear I'm saying they're on a wind streak respect.

[00:32:56] I would love to go out there to live show the three of us all men.

[00:33:00] All men just nothing but no women with those tablecloth.

[00:33:03] A hundred thousand men checker tablecloth.

[00:33:05] We'll do it at the dome or at the fucking.

[00:33:08] Oh, dude.

[00:33:09] Yeah.

[00:33:10] And we're just talking about the at the box.

[00:33:11] We're just talking about how fucking bad Israel is.

[00:33:13] Yeah, just crushing.

[00:33:14] Just crushing.

[00:33:15] We should do.

[00:33:16] We should do.

[00:33:17] Anti-Semitic shit.

[00:33:19] We should do UAE.

[00:33:20] That'd be tight, dude.

[00:33:23] I'd wear the outfit.

[00:33:24] But I would wear, I think I said this already, but I'm going to go to one of those countries

[00:33:28] and dress like Jasmine's dad.

[00:33:32] Yeah.

[00:33:33] Come on, dude.

[00:33:34] I'm dressing like that.

[00:33:35] No, I look like that.

[00:33:36] I've already said I'm dressing.

[00:33:37] Okay.

[00:33:38] Well, it doesn't matter.

[00:33:39] Also, you know, you're just going to be wearing a tracksuit.

[00:33:41] You're not going to fucking do any of the local shit.

[00:33:42] What are you talking about?

[00:33:43] Well, he's the food, but you're not wearing any of the clothes.

[00:33:46] Why?

[00:33:47] How are you wearing the pants?

[00:33:48] Who went around like a ninja?

[00:33:51] What do you mean?

[00:33:52] Me.

[00:33:53] Alone.

[00:33:54] I'm wearing a dress like a ninja.

[00:33:56] Making me have lunch with his girlfriend, speaking of Japanese, blending in as to my

[00:34:02] ability.

[00:34:03] You were wearing what you were wearing now.

[00:34:05] Using a pool.

[00:34:06] And you were being incredibly rude on the train and breaking all their customs using

[00:34:09] a blow gun.

[00:34:10] You were making a scene on the fucking train hitting Adam with an umbrella.

[00:34:14] Adam was hitting me.

[00:34:16] I wasn't hitting you with the umbrella.

[00:34:17] I was hooking your ankle with the umbrella.

[00:34:20] And then then you pull your ass or like you were like bent over in front of people in

[00:34:24] the escalator or something like that.

[00:34:25] You were breaking every Japanese custom.

[00:34:28] You did do a thing.

[00:34:29] I was the holding your ass in Japanese people.

[00:34:32] Japanese people are racist towards Koreans.

[00:34:36] Maybe they should stop worrying about what I'm doing.

[00:34:40] I don't think the UAE is any less racist.

[00:34:42] Thinking about they colonizing ass.

[00:34:46] That's true.

[00:34:47] All I'm saying is I was the only one respectful of Japanese is customs and cultures.

[00:34:52] Adam was there as a fucking as a capitalist stealing all their best merchandise to bring

[00:34:58] back to America.

[00:34:59] Dude, capitalism makes me so pissed off.

[00:35:01] It pisses me on.

[00:35:02] Sickens man.

[00:35:03] And we need to eat the rich.

[00:35:05] Yes.

[00:35:06] Yeah.

[00:35:07] And I was there looking at fucking...

[00:35:09] I'm actually a die hard communist.

[00:35:11] That's how I describe myself.

[00:35:12] In all seriousness.

[00:35:14] That's awesome.

[00:35:16] When I talk to people I let them know that I'm like a die hard communist.

[00:35:20] Yeah.

[00:35:21] It's important to let people know.

[00:35:22] I'm a sex worker and a communist.

[00:35:24] You know, like Bruce Willis.

[00:35:26] Yeah.

[00:35:27] That's the kind of...

[00:35:28] Yeah, it's like John McLean.

[00:35:29] John McLean, but in terms of communism that I'm ready for the revolution.

[00:35:35] But just let me know when it starts.

[00:35:38] For now I'm playing Super Mario Sunshine.

[00:35:41] But the second...

[00:35:42] The second the revolution starts.

[00:35:43] When that shit starts dude, I'll have a gun.

[00:35:45] Yep.

[00:35:46] I'll be, you know, it'll be like the movie.

[00:35:47] I'll be in good enough shape to fight a war.

[00:35:50] It'll be like the movie Enemy of the Gates.

[00:35:51] I'll be that guy from that...

[00:35:53] Jude Law.

[00:35:54] Yeah.

[00:35:55] It is funny how that is like just sort of a back door to fantasizing about being in

[00:35:58] the military for people who are like...

[00:36:02] Well like will fantasize about the Punisher guys calling them gay.

[00:36:05] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:36:06] They're like, but I also want to be one of those guys.

[00:36:09] Oh.

[00:36:10] Oh yeah, I'm a sniper in a fictional revolution where you were.

[00:36:16] I know dude.

[00:36:18] Mm-hmm.

[00:36:19] Yeah.

[00:36:20] But my point is I get to dress like jazz.

[00:36:22] A lot of people that have no...

[00:36:24] I get to dress like jazz.

[00:36:25] I get to be the carpet and you guys get to sit on me.

[00:36:28] It's already...

[00:36:29] See, this is what, after years of doing a show with you, I know what a master you are

[00:36:35] of controlling the narrative.

[00:36:37] Because I was laying out a case by case effortless point that could not be fucked with at all.

[00:36:43] That why I get to dress like Jasmine's dad.

[00:36:45] And you very shrewdly moved on to a good bit.

[00:36:48] Yeah.

[00:36:49] And I respect that.

[00:36:50] You controlled the narrative.

[00:36:51] And we can go back to making fun of those guys, but I'm dressing like that.

[00:36:55] For the listeners at home, I'm already dressed like Jasmine.

[00:36:57] He's not at all.

[00:36:58] He's wearing fucking...

[00:36:59] Wow.

[00:37:00] Okay, how about this?

[00:37:01] How about this?

[00:37:02] Stop from memory.

[00:37:03] Describe Jasmine's father's outfit.

[00:37:06] It's so fucking...

[00:37:07] No, and then we're going to look at it.

[00:37:09] And if you can't even remember...

[00:37:11] No, he wears the fucking hat.

[00:37:13] He's got...

[00:37:14] It's like flowing, silking, fucking shit.

[00:37:16] Yeah.

[00:37:17] It's white, I think.

[00:37:19] The point is...

[00:37:20] Okay, all right.

[00:37:21] So, okay, what color is it?

[00:37:23] White and purple.

[00:37:24] Wrong.

[00:37:25] I'm not wrong.

[00:37:26] You're zero for one.

[00:37:27] Let me see.

[00:37:28] We'll go through it all of it.

[00:37:29] Wait, you get to look at the fucking picture?

[00:37:31] I'm quizzing you.

[00:37:32] Because I already knew exactly what I'm up like.

[00:37:33] No, you didn't.

[00:37:34] I've already bought the outfit.

[00:37:35] You don't have the fucking body type for it, motherfucker.

[00:37:38] I am his body type.

[00:37:40] All right.

[00:37:41] And then, so you said he's got a hat?

[00:37:43] He does.

[00:37:44] And what does it look like?

[00:37:46] It's fucking puffy and shit.

[00:37:48] Circular.

[00:37:49] What else is going on with it?

[00:37:50] It's got a little fucking pointy, like little circle thing at the bottom.

[00:37:54] No, come on.

[00:37:55] No, no.

[00:37:56] I'm really wrong.

[00:37:57] It's like the most critical detail of jazz.

[00:38:01] If I saw it, I would know it.

[00:38:03] And here's the thing.

[00:38:04] Come on, stop, think.

[00:38:05] And here's the thing.

[00:38:06] Fashion sometimes is about the emotion.

[00:38:08] It's about how it makes you feel when you're wearing the clothes.

[00:38:11] You could never pull off how a person feels when they look at Jasmine's dad.

[00:38:16] Stop.

[00:38:17] I know that I can do it.

[00:38:18] I don't have anything to prove to anybody.

[00:38:19] Think about what he has on his face.

[00:38:20] I don't have anything to prove to anybody.

[00:38:22] A feather.

[00:38:23] A feather.

[00:38:24] A feather and...

[00:38:25] I just remember.

[00:38:26] And...

[00:38:27] What's connecting the feather to the hat.

[00:38:29] You know what's pretty cool is if you look at the dad's hat upside down and cover the

[00:38:33] feather, it looks like sort of an asshole in a place.

[00:38:35] It does.

[00:38:36] Yes, yes.

[00:38:37] Cool.

[00:38:38] Oh, yes, the ruby.

[00:38:39] Yeah.

[00:38:40] The point is you can't look at that, how that man is dressed and look at me and look at

[00:38:44] Nick.

[00:38:45] No.

[00:38:46] Nick is the one that's gonna be the fucking one.

[00:38:48] It would be better if you're one.

[00:38:50] It wouldn't even make fucking sense.

[00:38:51] If you're any character in Aladdin, you're the elephant that...

[00:38:54] I'm not the elephant.

[00:38:55] That's Alie, right.

[00:38:56] That's Prince Alie, right?

[00:38:57] I am the dad, maybe the genie.

[00:39:00] No.

[00:39:01] No chance.

[00:39:02] Yes.

[00:39:03] You're not the genie.

[00:39:05] And you're the monkey.

[00:39:06] You're the fucking monkey.

[00:39:07] Adam is so nice.

[00:39:08] Adam is so nice.

[00:39:09] Adam is so nice.

[00:39:10] Adam is your father.

[00:39:11] No.

[00:39:12] I'm Aladdin, because he wears the yarmul coat.

[00:39:16] You're the tiger, but the correct agenda.

[00:39:19] Thank you, Nick.

[00:39:21] You're not the dad.

[00:39:22] You know what I am, is I'm the tiger and the desert.

[00:39:26] And who are you pretending you're not Jafar?

[00:39:28] I'm the tiger.

[00:39:29] You're the mean gay guy.

[00:39:31] You are 100% Jafar.

[00:39:32] Yeah, that is.

[00:39:33] I'm not, first of all, who's being mean?

[00:39:34] You're the evil gay man.

[00:39:35] I said, I said, because you go to the UAE.

[00:39:37] Your whole vibe is dressed like gay man.

[00:39:39] I'm going to dress like the Jasmine's dad.

[00:39:43] And then you immediately, instead of saying, oh, I'm also going to do that, which would

[00:39:47] have been fine by me.

[00:39:48] You said, you're not allowed to do that.

[00:39:50] There can't be two Jasmine's dads.

[00:39:51] You know there can't be two Jasmine's dads.

[00:39:53] There's no way there's going to be two Jasmine's dads.

[00:39:56] Who's the mean homosexual?

[00:39:58] There's one crossing around.

[00:40:00] Is the one claiming you can have the outfit?

[00:40:03] Is the one saying?

[00:40:05] I just said how I wanted to dress like.

[00:40:09] And now I'm being bullied by a gay pitcher full of lemonade.

[00:40:20] That's a good point.

[00:40:21] That's a good point.

[00:40:23] But I don't retract my stance, unfortunately.

[00:40:25] Dude, I like the, I like the navel.

[00:40:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:40:29] Wow.

[00:40:30] Yeah, it's Jasmine's dad and dark colors.

[00:40:36] Wow.

[00:40:37] Let's see what Jafar looks like.

[00:40:39] Because I have a feeling that you're a Jafar dude.

[00:40:41] Nick could have said that he's the tiger, but he's a guy and he gets the fuck Jasmine.

[00:40:47] No, this is Adam.

[00:40:48] Dude, that's Adam's dark eyes.

[00:40:50] That's not me.

[00:40:51] I don't have dark eyes.

[00:40:53] I have green eyes.

[00:40:54] No, but you have like dis sunken kind of dark eyes.

[00:40:56] Oh, like around my nose, just because I'm sleepy.

[00:41:00] That's what Adam's facial here looks like.

[00:41:02] No, that's not.

[00:41:03] Yeah, that's not.

[00:41:04] I'm a ladder.

[00:41:08] Adam makes that face constantly.

[00:41:10] Come on, dude.

[00:41:11] I'm a street rat.

[00:41:12] Everyone knows you're not a lad neither.

[00:41:14] I don't know.

[00:41:15] Come on.

[00:41:16] Nick is your father.

[00:41:17] You're the monkey.

[00:41:18] I'm not your father.

[00:41:19] Nick is your father.

[00:41:20] No, maybe, maybe I'm the spirit of Aladdin in the body of Jasmine.

[00:41:24] Maybe, maybe I'm the fuck Jasmine and I fuck Jasmine.

[00:41:28] Maybe I'm the cargo.

[00:41:29] Yeah.

[00:41:30] I'm if Aladdin was the body type of forget.

[00:41:32] We're going to tell me that's not.

[00:41:34] This is Nate.

[00:41:36] Come on, bro.

[00:41:38] Look, I'm sorry to say, but this is one of the most cut and dried things of all time.

[00:41:44] You're the monkey.

[00:41:45] You're Jafar.

[00:41:46] I'm Aladdin in the body of Jasmine's dad and I get to fuck Jasmine.

[00:41:50] So much.

[00:41:51] There's nothing.

[00:41:52] It's never been clearer.

[00:41:53] So much of Aladdin's story is in me.

[00:41:56] Listen, I being a street rat, but also having a gay father pretending to be this fabulous

[00:42:03] prince who rides on elephants.

[00:42:06] Like I'm on the show and I present to the audience that I'm some sort of fancy pants.

[00:42:12] Some bulletproof fancy pants.

[00:42:13] But I'm trash.

[00:42:14] I come from nothing.

[00:42:15] Yeah.

[00:42:16] I really started from the bottom.

[00:42:19] And from the deserts of Israel, from the deserts of Las Vegas, from the deserts of Israel

[00:42:25] to the deserts of Las Vegas.

[00:42:27] I love stealing.

[00:42:29] You do love stealing.

[00:42:30] That I'll give you, but not to feed your family.

[00:42:33] Of course.

[00:42:34] I only do it for good.

[00:42:37] You're not Robin Hood.

[00:42:39] You're not Robin Hood.

[00:42:40] You're a fucking dude.

[00:42:41] I do it to survive in this crazy messed up world of a agro boss.

[00:42:44] This is fucked up, dude.

[00:42:45] If you Google Jafar, one of the options is Jafar's height.

[00:42:49] And I guess all the Disney characters have heights.

[00:42:51] And it's like what?

[00:42:53] Six three fucking six.

[00:42:55] That's they lived a millions of years ago in a fictional world.

[00:42:59] Just make them all five three.

[00:43:00] Thank you so much.

[00:43:01] Wow.

[00:43:02] What the hell is this?

[00:43:03] I'm going to end up Jafar six three.

[00:43:05] Yeah, then I take it back.

[00:43:07] You're not sure for her.

[00:43:08] How tall is Moana from fucking the Disney movie?

[00:43:12] It's a child.

[00:43:13] Is she a child?

[00:43:14] Seven, seven feet tall.

[00:43:16] What?

[00:43:17] Yeah.

[00:43:18] Then how big is the rock?

[00:43:21] The rock is in a cartoon.

[00:43:23] Yeah, huh.

[00:43:24] He's in Moana.

[00:43:25] Oh, yeah.

[00:43:26] Fuck an idiot.

[00:43:27] Oh, sorry.

[00:43:28] I didn't see Moana.

[00:43:29] Damn, this is gay.

[00:43:30] According to this.

[00:43:31] It is.

[00:43:32] It's pretty fun.

[00:43:33] It's more than Tigger, Woody, Buzz and Jiminy Crick.

[00:43:37] And then the rest of them.

[00:43:42] Are these the official heights?

[00:43:47] This is coming from from Mickey and from Disney.

[00:43:49] Yeah, Disney shit from the ears.

[00:43:53] They don't get to tell us how tall anyone is.

[00:43:55] Moana's not seven feet tall.

[00:43:57] That's bull.

[00:43:58] That's crazy.

[00:43:59] I couldn't see Moana.

[00:44:00] She's a fucking child.

[00:44:01] I couldn't see Moana, but Hillary Clinton's loss.

[00:44:03] That's true.

[00:44:04] I couldn't just go to a theater and forget about what was going on.

[00:44:07] Yeah, what was it?

[00:44:08] It was either like Roxanne Gay or Lindy West.

[00:44:10] Someone wrote that, yeah.

[00:44:11] That fucking retard.

[00:44:12] About Moana.

[00:44:13] Oh, yeah, Moana is about.

[00:44:16] It's about the Donald Trump stealing the election.

[00:44:19] It's like, do you know the movie?

[00:44:21] It's at the end.

[00:44:22] Well, but it's like, you know the movie wasn't made two weeks ago.

[00:44:26] Right.

[00:44:27] That's not how it filled me.

[00:44:28] It just came out right after Hillary Clinton lost.

[00:44:30] No, yeah, but it was also about how like Moana after such a hard week personally for whoever

[00:44:36] that woman was, Moana was the one thing that made her feel okay.

[00:44:41] That's good.

[00:44:42] That's awesome.

[00:44:44] That is such a really good way for a grown up to fucking look at the world.

[00:44:48] For a tax paying citizen.

[00:44:50] Not only that, but somebody who's theoretically paid for their ideas.

[00:44:54] I want to try and write a fake book as a fat bitch named 1 million pounds.

[00:45:00] You should.

[00:45:02] You could bust that out like three days.

[00:45:04] Oh, of course.

[00:45:05] Just like chapter one being cut in line at Chick-fil-A.

[00:45:09] You know, it's just fucking the white man didn't even acknowledge me when he stepped

[00:45:13] in front of me thinking I had already placed my order.

[00:45:16] Yeah, just because I had Chick-fil-A.

[00:45:17] I had a long bill over my lips.

[00:45:18] Alarm bells went off in my head.

[00:45:20] Yeah.

[00:45:21] Yeah.

[00:45:22] Mainly because I was having a diabetic reaction to the 15 McFloories.

[00:45:26] I just say.

[00:45:28] And I screamed out.

[00:45:29] There are alarm bells going out often here.

[00:45:32] And then they had to call two ambulances for me.

[00:45:35] They had to call a tug ambulance.

[00:45:38] No.

[00:45:39] See goals for eating crumbs off of my body.

[00:45:57] Why wasn't there ever a Jonathan East living in Seagull?

[00:46:00] Have you ever thought about that?

[00:46:01] There's a story about a girl Seagull who's too fat to fly.

[00:46:05] And then she finds out that there was a bunch of poison in the air.

[00:46:09] Yeah.

[00:46:10] So it's actually healthier to be a land goal.

[00:46:13] Right.

[00:46:14] And waddle around.

[00:46:16] And then she finds out she's actually a penguin.

[00:46:18] And every doctor she's ever seen is wrong.

[00:46:21] Yeah.

[00:46:22] And she's all every doctor is wrong.

[00:46:27] Dude, you would crush this fucking book.

[00:46:29] Yeah.

[00:46:30] That would be funny if I might actually do it.

[00:46:33] You should.

[00:46:34] It's like an 80 page fucking novella.

[00:46:36] That's the kind of shit.

[00:46:37] I mean, I could do I could do fucking 1500 pages a day on that.

[00:46:40] Yeah.

[00:46:41] Just don't edit it.

[00:46:42] No, don't edit it.

[00:46:43] Yeah.

[00:46:44] Just sell it like as an ebook.

[00:46:46] Yeah.

[00:46:47] I mean, you can do sell publishing.

[00:46:48] Yeah, fuck it.

[00:46:49] I'll just do that this week.

[00:46:51] I'm waiting on some pounds of tears.

[00:46:53] I'm waiting on some stuff that's back ordered.

[00:46:55] So I have some time.

[00:46:56] Yeah.

[00:46:57] Oh, what are we waiting on?

[00:46:58] I'm going to just bullshit.

[00:46:59] Car parts.

[00:47:00] Nice.

[00:47:01] Yeah.

[00:47:02] Some polyurethane bushings.

[00:47:03] Oh, I got some bushings for you.

[00:47:07] Yeah.

[00:47:08] All over my cock.

[00:47:10] Do you?

[00:47:11] Yeah.

[00:47:12] You have your dick squeezed into...

[00:47:13] Stops pubes go all the way to the top of his dick.

[00:47:16] Yeah.

[00:47:17] That would be awesome.

[00:47:18] But only on the top.

[00:47:19] Yeah, yeah.

[00:47:20] Like a little fucking poem tree.

[00:47:22] Like a strong willed native character and like, you know, something like a avatar or

[00:47:26] something.

[00:47:27] Yeah.

[00:47:28] Yeah.

[00:47:29] The guy that doesn't trust the main guy.

[00:47:30] Of course.

[00:47:31] He's trying to date the...

[00:47:32] Oh, yeah.

[00:47:33] The native guy who actually wants pussy from the people who tell them is the native guy

[00:47:38] that is the older brother of the native bitch that's getting fucked by the John Smith

[00:47:43] character.

[00:47:44] Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[00:47:45] Yes.

[00:47:46] That's a great poem.

[00:47:47] That's who your dick is.

[00:47:49] That's who I think is it is proud who eventually comes around to the...

[00:47:53] At the end.

[00:47:54] The white.

[00:47:55] And that's when it's time to vanquish the enemy together.

[00:47:59] When he's like, I'm glad you're fucking my sister.

[00:48:02] Mm-hmm.

[00:48:03] I'm glad you're colonizing cock is busting all up in those walls.

[00:48:08] How about instead of John Goodman, it's John Badman?

[00:48:11] Mm-hmm.

[00:48:12] And he's like, well, I'm a pedophile friend.

[00:48:14] Yeah.

[00:48:15] How you doing, brother?

[00:48:16] I'm a less children.

[00:48:17] Yeah.

[00:48:18] Very children around here.

[00:48:21] Maybe I could molest.

[00:48:22] That's good.

[00:48:23] That'd be a lot better if I could do a John Goodman.

[00:48:24] Yeah, yeah.

[00:48:25] It doesn't sound anything like...

[00:48:26] This is the rare time where you don't even have a piece of it.

[00:48:28] I don't know.

[00:48:29] I mean, I can't even think about what it sounds like.

[00:48:31] Yeah.

[00:48:32] Because usually you're too hard on your impressions.

[00:48:34] You're like, ah, that wasn't good.

[00:48:36] You get the point across.

[00:48:38] This time it does not sound anything like John Goodman.

[00:48:40] I don't know what John Goodman sounds like.

[00:48:42] I can't visualize his voice.

[00:48:44] Wow.

[00:48:45] That's so much.

[00:48:46] Every time you try to do an impression, you're just doing Ray Comp.

[00:48:50] You're doing Tim Dillon doing Ray Comp.

[00:48:53] Ah.

[00:48:54] You got to start fat.

[00:48:56] That's the thing.

[00:48:57] But you're not...

[00:48:58] You are not...

[00:48:59] First of all, you're not even saying words.

[00:49:02] You're just going, ah.

[00:49:04] Yeah.

[00:49:05] Yeah, because it's like when you tune something, you go, ah, before you sing.

[00:49:09] You know that when people do that, they blow on the little thing and go, ah.

[00:49:13] Yeah.

[00:49:14] Like an acapella group or something.

[00:49:15] That's me trying to get into the right zone.

[00:49:18] Ah.

[00:49:19] Yeah.

[00:49:20] I'm trying to think...

[00:49:21] How are you doing, friend?

[00:49:22] I'm a pedophile.

[00:49:23] That's better.

[00:49:24] Yeah.

[00:49:25] That's not better.

[00:49:26] John Badman.

[00:49:27] John Badman.

[00:49:28] Pretty good bit.

[00:49:29] Well, I'm bad.

[00:49:30] I'm bad because I have sex with kids.

[00:49:37] Oh, here's the thing I was thinking of.

[00:49:41] What about Christopher Ooh Bear?

[00:49:44] Christopher Ooh Bear, but he drives you.

[00:49:49] Did you get a Toyota Corolla?

[00:49:51] I have a big deal.

[00:49:54] I can't believe it.

[00:49:56] Yeah, he's just a Bluetooth with his brother.

[00:49:59] Yeah, they're always talking stuff.

[00:50:01] I always feel like they're like cybering.

[00:50:03] Yeah.

[00:50:04] Because I was like, chocolate.

[00:50:07] I can't look.

[00:50:09] Yeah, it's sensual.

[00:50:11] It kind of like... it hits your ear in a way that's like, stop.

[00:50:15] It feels like they're tonguing your ear.

[00:50:17] Yeah.

[00:50:18] Yeah, I would much rather you be yelling.

[00:50:20] Yeah.

[00:50:21] Honestly, yes.

[00:50:22] I agree.

[00:50:23] I always feel terrible when they're like, can I talk on the phone?

[00:50:26] They have never asked me once.

[00:50:27] I've been asked that a couple times.

[00:50:29] Yeah.

[00:50:30] And then they go back on their Bluetooth.

[00:50:32] My rating...

[00:50:33] And I say no.

[00:50:34] My rating has to be zero.

[00:50:35] You're right.

[00:50:36] My Uber rating has to be fucking dog shit.

[00:50:39] You can tell.

[00:50:40] There was one time, there was something like Albanian guy or something.

[00:50:42] He's like, man, you put your feet on my chair and I didn't at all.

[00:50:47] I was there.

[00:50:48] They were sitting going to the airport.

[00:50:49] Nope.

[00:50:50] This was a different time.

[00:50:51] I was buying myself.

[00:50:52] Well, the same thing happened.

[00:50:53] I was buying myself and I was sitting like this.

[00:50:54] And the guy's like, you put your feet on like, I didn't.

[00:50:57] And then I was screaming at him.

[00:50:59] Yeah.

[00:51:00] And he's like, so mad.

[00:51:01] So mad.

[00:51:02] You have no de-escalation skills.

[00:51:03] I will say that.

[00:51:04] Yeah.

[00:51:05] Once it's on, it's on.

[00:51:06] It's like once somebody, you're perfectly polite until the second.

[00:51:10] So I'm like, if you accuse me of some shit, I didn't do.

[00:51:13] Fuck that.

[00:51:14] You could have listened to my whole life that way.

[00:51:16] See, that's what happens to shit that I didn't fucking do.

[00:51:19] This is interesting.

[00:51:20] I wonder where the psychological root of this is.

[00:51:22] Being accused of shit I didn't do.

[00:51:24] Yeah.

[00:51:25] What was the first accusation?

[00:51:26] Let's get to the fucking bottom of it.

[00:51:28] If it wraps up doing something fat, then we really are in the middle of your entire psyche.

[00:51:34] No.

[00:51:35] I don't think it was, you know, if somebody stole it, you stole or caught you or accused

[00:51:40] you of stealing like a muffin or something.

[00:51:42] No.

[00:51:43] That would be the explanation for everything.

[00:51:47] If a retarded man accused you of stealing his property.

[00:51:50] I don't have any animosity to the word.

[00:51:51] No, you're right.

[00:51:52] You're right.

[00:51:53] You're right.

[00:51:54] You're right.

[00:51:55] You're right.

[00:51:56] That wasn't the right.

[00:51:57] I re-watched.

[00:51:58] I guess if, how about this?

[00:51:59] If a fat woman accused you.

[00:52:00] I rewatched the I am Sam trailer last night, which I haven't watched in probably like 15

[00:52:03] years, but it's still, it's still so good.

[00:52:05] Yeah.

[00:52:06] Get that crank.

[00:52:07] We'll get this going.

[00:52:08] Yeah.

[00:52:09] We'll get this big trailer, 2001.

[00:52:10] By the way, the master of deflection.

[00:52:14] We almost had him.

[00:52:15] We almost had his most inner-

[00:52:17] How can we be so...

[00:52:20] Oh my God.

[00:52:21] Your teacher gave you a really hard book this time.

[00:52:25] What's wrong with your father?

[00:52:27] Why is he acting like a retard?

[00:52:29] I'm sorry.

[00:52:30] Daddy, I'm lucky.

[00:52:31] No, he don't study.

[00:52:32] He ever comes to the park.

[00:52:33] No one doubts that you love your daughter.

[00:52:34] These shoes light up.

[00:52:39] But your intellectual capacity is around that of a seven-year-old.

[00:52:44] Do we get a balloon with these?

[00:52:47] All of us?

[00:52:48] Or just her?

[00:52:51] Our concern is what happens when Lucy turns eight.

[00:52:54] I find it is not in the best interest of the child to remain in the home, and I order her

[00:52:59] detained.

[00:53:00] Why is there a little zig going home with me?

[00:53:03] Jesus fucking Christ.

[00:53:04] It's time that you get your own lawyer.

[00:53:07] This is one of the best ads I've seen in the yellow pages.

[00:53:09] You're my lawyer!

[00:53:10] Right, I'm hoping.

[00:53:11] Well, that's the other funny thing too, is there's a guy who actually has Down syndrome,

[00:53:16] who is like...

[00:53:18] He's supposed to play like a competent retard.

[00:53:21] He's like, well, I was looking to the yellow pages, and this is the attorney I found.

[00:53:26] It's like, I'm sorry, you were doing what?

[00:53:32] I thought the yellow pages were all the printer papers shoved down the front of your pants.

[00:53:39] Dude, this is an insane movie.

[00:53:42] Oh, it's wild.

[00:53:43] We have a lot to go over, and I have five minutes.

[00:53:45] Three, mean go!

[00:53:46] You're running much faster.

[00:53:47] You're still laughing at this, and my stepmom would be like, don't laugh!

[00:53:53] It's cruel!

[00:53:54] You're cruel for laughing!

[00:53:56] I'm like, yeah, that's Sean Penn.

[00:53:59] He's being paid millions of dollars to pretend to be a fucking mentally handicap person.

[00:54:03] He's doing a pretty weird job of it too.

[00:54:05] He's doing a weird job, and the premise is literally retarded.

[00:54:09] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:54:10] When she turns eight, they're going to take...

[00:54:12] Why would he have...

[00:54:13] It's like, I would say...

[00:54:14] I would have a...

[00:54:15] I would have a...

[00:54:16] An infant bone?

[00:54:17] I would say he is in a seven, so he can have her until he's seven.

[00:54:20] I would say in a...

[00:54:21] I would say in a...

[00:54:22] He comes his mother.

[00:54:23] Exploitative, but clearly everyone who was involved in making the movie was also a fucking retard.

[00:54:28] That's true.

[00:54:29] You had to be a retard to produce this, or...

[00:54:32] People were...

[00:54:33] Everybody else.

[00:54:34] Is she going to help us?

[00:54:35] It's always that your dreams are high, Lucy.

[00:54:38] I don't think you realize what you're up against.

[00:54:40] You gotta be firm on this.

[00:54:41] You have to fight for her.

[00:54:42] You don't know why it's life, or you try it, or you die, or you die, or you die, or you don't ever stand there!

[00:54:48] I can go, at least to move my hands.

[00:54:50] This is insane.

[00:54:51] You gotta let me in.

[00:54:52] You think what they think Sam can't take care of, Lucy.

[00:54:55] It doesn't matter what I think, it matters that we win.

[00:54:58] It matters to me!

[00:54:59] Isn't it true that you know you need much more than your daddy can give you?

[00:55:03] That's the best part is the bad guy in the movie is Toby from West Wing.

[00:55:06] Yeah, nice.

[00:55:07] And he's...

[00:55:08] What's that guy's name?

[00:55:10] I forget.

[00:55:11] Jonathan Foxley?

[00:55:12] Uh...

[00:55:13] Something like that.

[00:55:14] But he's just playing Toby from West Wing.

[00:55:16] Yeah.

[00:55:17] You know, he's irritable.

[00:55:18] His best villain turn...

[00:55:20] I respect this office.

[00:55:21] Billy Madison.

[00:55:22] I respect that this office would never let a retarded man raise his own daughter.

[00:55:26] So what happens in the movie?

[00:55:28] Because you can't...

[00:55:29] The cornerstone of our democracy is taking children with...

[00:55:32] Just you should grab and stuff from retards that they love.

[00:55:35] You just love.

[00:55:36] What makes you think you can raise a seven-year-old?

[00:55:38] Every parent has those moments.

[00:55:40] A ten-year-old?

[00:55:41] The moments where the task is so unbelievably challenging.

[00:55:44] A thirteen-year-old?

[00:55:45] That you feel retarded.

[00:55:46] She'll be six years after the afternoon.

[00:55:49] And you can't...

[00:55:50] Did you hear that?

[00:55:51] I'm right back down!

[00:55:53] Oh my god.

[00:55:55] Oh my god.

[00:55:56] I'm sick.

[00:55:57] I don't think I'll just need to vow patience.

[00:55:59] I worry that I've gotten more out of this with you.

[00:56:02] And it's about listening.

[00:56:04] Daddy?

[00:56:05] I'm here!

[00:56:06] And it's about love.

[00:56:07] Sorry, that's the best part of the trailer.

[00:56:09] I know.

[00:56:10] That's bad.

[00:56:11] This is the fucking funniest part of the trailer is...

[00:56:14] Is this just pratfall?

[00:56:16] I don't think I'll just need to vow patience.

[00:56:19] I worry that I've gotten more out of this with you.

[00:56:22] And it's about listening.

[00:56:24] Daddy?

[00:56:25] And it's about...

[00:56:26] What happens when I listen?

[00:56:29] He's just like, she's like,

[00:56:30] I goes, Daddy?

[00:56:31] And then he's running with a birthday coke.

[00:56:33] And he goes, I'm here!

[00:56:34] And he just falls down a flight of stairs and smashes a cake.

[00:56:37] That is funny.

[00:56:38] Yeah.

[00:56:39] Yeah, but yeah, just played for laughs.

[00:56:41] Respect, man.

[00:56:43] I mean, you can't...

[00:56:44] So what does it end with the lawyer falls in love with him

[00:56:47] and like adopts both of them or something?

[00:56:49] Yeah, she's going to the bathroom in her house

[00:56:52] and he leaves the door open.

[00:56:53] She sees up big as a day.

[00:56:54] That's big return, dude.

[00:56:55] And she's like, I'm gonna try to chop.

[00:56:57] I'm gonna hammer him in a hard time.

[00:56:58] Hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard.

[00:57:00] He comes from...

[00:57:01] Oh, let me soak your penis.

[00:57:04] Oh, it's big.

[00:57:08] It's big.

[00:57:09] It's big.

[00:57:10] It's big.

[00:57:11] I'm gonna say, oh, it's like a blimp.

[00:57:13] But instead of a good, you have blimp.

[00:57:14] It's a bad, you have blimp.

[00:57:15] And it's like, we're here to rape all the kids.

[00:57:17] LAUGHTER

[00:57:19] Robin Williams is the gay lawyer.

[00:57:22] LAUGHTER

[00:57:24] That was...

[00:57:25] That was rape, Sam.

[00:57:27] It's not your fault, Sam.

[00:57:29] It's not your fault, you're a retard.

[00:57:31] LAUGHTER

[00:57:32] Oh, but what if it was?

[00:57:34] I can call you.

[00:57:35] You have flippings and computers.

[00:57:36] Oh, the trick is, we have to convince the judge that you were

[00:57:39] exposed to radiation and it's actually a superpower.

[00:57:43] LAUGHTER

[00:57:44] Oh, how are we gonna do that?

[00:57:46] We're gonna show them your dick.

[00:57:47] LAUGHTER

[00:57:48] Your honor, maybe his brain can't raise the girl, but this dick can...

[00:57:52] Look, he can use it as a dinner table.

[00:57:56] He can sit at one end and she can have a velveter on the other.

[00:58:00] Throw a couple of candelabras on there.

[00:58:03] It's like, we're millionaires!

[00:58:06] LAUGHTER

[00:58:08] That's a great defense.

[00:58:12] Throw a candelabra on his big retard penis.

[00:58:15] Yeah, just the pinnacle of the movie is fucking Robin Williams at the end of

[00:58:24] Sean Penn's giant retarded penis giving the money speech from NetWorkers.

[00:58:29] LAUGHTER

[00:58:31] It's all about money!

[00:58:35] LAUGHTER

[00:58:37] Here we are, big table!

[00:58:39] LAUGHTER

[00:58:42] Yeah, I was gonna take that trailer and just edit it and make...

[00:58:47] put Robin Williams or Sean Penn in blackface the whole time.

[00:58:51] And, you know, I guess you'd have to get somebody to do an impression of Toby or whatever,

[00:58:56] just video, like, you really think a black man who was also retarded could raise a kid.

[00:59:03] LAUGHTER

[00:59:04] And then you cut it, the title card is I B. Sam.

[00:59:08] Yes.

[00:59:09] Oh, yep.

[00:59:10] He's like, oh, these shoes light up.

[00:59:12] That's good.

[00:59:13] Yeah.

[00:59:14] Shout out to LA Gear in that movie.

[00:59:16] That's probably what killed LA Gear.

[00:59:18] Yeah, yeah.

[00:59:19] Wait, he wore LA Gears in the movie?

[00:59:21] Yeah, they saw the trailer for the movie and then they were in their office and they were like,

[00:59:26] well, just pack it up.

[00:59:28] It's over.

[00:59:29] It was a good run.

[00:59:30] LAUGHTER

[00:59:31] And now we're associated with this.

[00:59:34] That is so awesome.

[00:59:36] Did people pan it when it came out or was it like, I could see it weirdly being like,

[00:59:42] people pretending it was good.

[00:59:44] I think it was understood to be a disaster.

[00:59:47] OK, OK.

[00:59:48] It was Sean Penn really going for it.

[00:59:51] Never go full retard is 100%.

[00:59:53] Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things that has like critical reviews in like the 12%

[00:59:59] and then audience members rated like 98%.

[01:00:07] Yeah, we're going to trust the critics.

[01:00:08] Well, what does happen?

[01:00:09] Did you guys ever see it?

[01:00:11] They tried to take his kid away.

[01:00:13] I don't remember.

[01:00:14] He works at a star month.

[01:00:15] 35% to 86.

[01:00:18] What happens is like, if I remember correctly, like the little girl ends up just like living

[01:00:23] with a lawyer or something.

[01:00:25] Yeah.

[01:00:26] He doesn't get custody of the kids.

[01:00:27] I see, but he's just able to visit it.

[01:00:30] That's like, I don't remember like it doesn't make sense.

[01:00:32] He's just sort of like wandering around with a bunch of other retarded people.

[01:00:36] Does he live in like a group home facility?

[01:00:38] I think he has like an apartment.

[01:00:40] I mean, he's been allowed to.

[01:00:42] That's the best part is he's been allowed to raise her until she's got a friend with

[01:00:46] Down syndrome that somehow knows how to like find and vet attorneys.

[01:00:50] Yeah.

[01:00:51] So that guy looked cool and the trailer.

[01:00:54] Yeah.

[01:00:55] Who did he get pussy off of to have the daughter?

[01:01:00] That's a great question.

[01:01:01] A homeless woman.

[01:01:02] That's all I'm saying.

[01:01:03] He had sex with a homeless woman.

[01:01:04] Damn.

[01:01:05] So she can't have custody because she doesn't have a house.

[01:01:08] She's probably dead or something.

[01:01:10] That's not a bad movie, honestly.

[01:01:12] You don't think so?

[01:01:13] Yeah.

[01:01:14] Tom Lippain.

[01:01:15] I want to see the movie where he fucks her.

[01:01:16] I do.

[01:01:17] I want to see how did that happen?

[01:01:19] Yeah.

[01:01:20] Right.

[01:01:21] They have to show us that.

[01:01:22] I need to see a homeless woman get fucks by immensely.

[01:01:24] I'm going to see a little bit of a candy can.

[01:01:25] Oh, give me that big ass retarning.

[01:01:28] The daughter was the daughter fanning.

[01:01:31] Oh.

[01:01:34] Oh.

[01:01:38] Oh.

[01:01:40] I made juice.

[01:01:45] Oh, I made juice.

[01:01:47] Oh, no, I made juice again.

[01:01:48] I made, I made juice again.

[01:01:49] I made, I made juice again.

[01:01:50] I made, I made juice in your front of my baby.

[01:01:53] I made the front of my baby.

[01:01:58] So just because this man made juice in a homeless woman's front

[01:02:02] body, he should be entitled to raise a child.

[01:02:04] What part of that is democracy?

[01:02:08] What part of that is what the founding fathers, one of the

[01:02:11] frame, when they put the Constitution together, so people

[01:02:14] like me, who were holocaust, who could come here and find

[01:02:18] freedom.

[01:02:19] Or whatever.

[01:02:20] When I told his old gay ass speeches.

[01:02:22] Who is Toby supposed to be in the Clinton administration?

[01:02:26] He's supposed to be a speech writer for Bartlett, I think.

[01:02:30] Yeah, but Josh is George Stephanopoulos, right?

[01:02:34] This is one of those things where you know the answer.

[01:02:37] I don't know the answer asking us.

[01:02:39] Of course.

[01:02:40] I don't know the answer.

[01:02:41] Or you don't know the answer.

[01:02:42] What I will say is, I just want to mention this thing about

[01:02:44] George Stephan.

[01:02:45] What I will say is that it's a very gay question.

[01:02:48] But that by do not any answer to it.

[01:02:50] I will acknowledge that.

[01:02:52] But you do know the answer.

[01:02:53] I don't know the answer.

[01:02:54] Or you have an inkling or something.

[01:02:55] Well, I did know that there's like an analog to real life.

[01:02:59] And I bet you have a guess.

[01:03:00] I don't.

[01:03:01] But if somebody told you to be like, that's right.

[01:03:04] You wouldn't say, you wouldn't say, oh, that's interesting.

[01:03:06] You'd be like, that's right.

[01:03:07] That's what I was saying.

[01:03:08] Yeah, I would say that even, but about I didn't know.

[01:03:11] Yeah.

[01:03:12] I would say it in a way where I'm like, yeah.

[01:03:14] Oh, right, right.

[01:03:15] Yeah, I knew that.

[01:03:16] Yeah.

[01:03:17] He's supposed to be Monica Lewinsky.

[01:03:19] I know the awesome.

[01:03:20] Yeah, Toby supposed to be Monica Lewinsky.

[01:03:23] Is there a sex scandal in the West Wing?

[01:03:25] I don't think so.

[01:03:27] No.

[01:03:28] Was there?

[01:03:29] Bartlett doesn't get pussy.

[01:03:31] Well, Eugene Levy was considered to play Toby.

[01:03:34] That's very funny.

[01:03:35] That's funny.

[01:03:36] What if we did a speech saying that the other candidate is a fag?

[01:03:42] That's a great deal.

[01:03:45] Thanks, man.

[01:03:46] And it's a great thing for him to say.

[01:03:52] President Bartlett, I'm gay.

[01:03:57] Yeah.

[01:03:58] All right.

[01:04:01] Yes.

[01:04:02] I've got a speech for you.

[01:04:04] It's my cock.

[01:04:07] That's right.

[01:04:12] Yeah.

[01:04:17] I rewatched American Pie recently.

[01:04:20] What do you takeaways?

[01:04:23] It's the webcam scene is really still hit.

[01:04:27] That's awesome.

[01:04:28] The rest of it is kind of like...

[01:04:30] I definitely jacked off the channel.

[01:04:31] Elizabeth's breast so much.

[01:04:34] It's still incredibly disappointing that he didn't get to fuck her.

[01:04:37] Yeah.

[01:04:38] It's heartbreaking to see that boy come his pants.

[01:04:40] That's true.

[01:04:41] It's still...

[01:04:42] Does anybody still talk to that, Mike?

[01:04:43] Does anybody still chat Elizabeth in that movie?

[01:04:44] No.

[01:04:45] She gets sent back to her country.

[01:04:49] She gets revenge porned by the entire school.

[01:04:52] And the resolution to that is that...

[01:04:54] What's her name?

[01:04:55] Nadia or whatever gets sent back to like...

[01:04:57] Brutal.

[01:04:58] War torn Eastern Europe or whatever.

[01:05:00] She's so hot.

[01:05:01] Now.

[01:05:02] She was so hot.

[01:05:04] I literally have a memory of exactly the first time I beat off to her.

[01:05:09] Like I didn't see the movie.

[01:05:11] I remember being in the computer room in my home.

[01:05:17] And I had...

[01:05:18] I think I downloaded the scene on Kazan.

[01:05:21] And I was jacking off just to her scenes.

[01:05:24] And it was like a little grainy.

[01:05:26] It was like the color was a little fucked up.

[01:05:28] But men alive did I beat off to that.

[01:05:31] Yeah.

[01:05:32] She was one of the hardest chicks.

[01:05:34] Unbelievable.

[01:05:35] I could imagine.

[01:05:36] Truly.

[01:05:37] The fact that she existed.

[01:05:39] It is as like a 15 year old seeing him really blow it.

[01:05:43] It like made me want to cry.

[01:05:45] 100%.

[01:05:46] And I was so worried.

[01:05:47] It broke my heart.

[01:05:49] Dude, there was so many worries about what would happen when I finally got put.

[01:05:53] How I would blow it.

[01:05:54] All media was was giving you ways to think about how you're going to blow it.

[01:05:58] It really kept...

[01:05:59] All media was telling you that if you're going to have the good high school experience,

[01:06:04] you got to go get...

[01:06:06] You got to get pussy and you have to get...

[01:06:08] You have to get...

[01:06:09] I was scared of busting fast.

[01:06:10] You can't bust fast.

[01:06:11] You can't calm your pants.

[01:06:12] I was so scared of coming my pants and that wasn't an issue.

[01:06:15] I just, in fact, the issue was my fucked up.

[01:06:18] There's not enough media for guys with fucked up force skins out there.

[01:06:21] Yeah.

[01:06:22] You know, because they don't tell you they're...

[01:06:23] You might get tugged on a little too hard.

[01:06:25] That should be the next Pixar movie.

[01:06:27] Yeah.

[01:06:28] The Force is about a lemonade pitcher with a tight force skin.

[01:06:31] It should just be different force skins.

[01:06:33] That's true.

[01:06:34] It should be like a force skin universe.

[01:06:35] Yes, thank you.

[01:06:36] It should be like my force skin, which was taken for me as a child, like traveling around,

[01:06:42] like finding Nemo, trying to find my penis skin.

[01:06:45] No one's interested in that.

[01:06:46] No one cares about that.

[01:06:47] No one cares about that.

[01:06:48] Everyone's uncircle sized.

[01:06:50] How cute would it be?

[01:06:51] Like a little force could be cute.

[01:06:52] It wouldn't be cute.

[01:06:53] It wouldn't be cute.

[01:06:54] It would be...

[01:06:55] As a religion, you have decided to fuck a forsake force.

[01:06:58] A Pixar movie has to bring it into a race.

[01:07:01] A hunter that's hunting and he sneezes and he...

[01:07:04] misses his target in the bullet, goes all the way to New York and kills a Jewish podcaster

[01:07:11] while he's telling it when he's calling up with a really bad idea for a Pixar movie.

[01:07:15] I think it's a good idea for a Pixar movie.

[01:07:18] And the Pixar movie about the hunter is called The Thing That Should Happen.

[01:07:22] Starring Robin Williams and Eugene Levy.

[01:07:26] Robin Williams is dead.

[01:07:28] Oh, I'm going to take a shot.

[01:07:30] Oh, I've got to sneeze a little bit.

[01:07:33] I didn't need to spires it.

[01:07:35] Eugene Levy is like, oh, how was I derailing the show there a minute ago?

[01:07:41] It's about my foreskin.

[01:07:42] I didn't derail the show.

[01:07:43] Also, by the way, I'm gay.

[01:07:46] No.

[01:07:47] I didn't do another thing you should know about me is I'm actually a fan.

[01:07:53] Well, Eugene Levy is totally an age.

[01:07:56] What if we did a Pixar movie about how small my dick is?

[01:08:02] And it's called the dick that was too small.

[01:08:07] That's awesome.

[01:08:08] That's a great idea, Eugene.

[01:08:10] And then as my character is being living, Eugene Levy.

[01:08:15] Yeah, that's true.

[01:08:18] Well, I had more ideas, but apparently it was derailing.

[01:08:21] Go ahead.

[01:08:22] Go ahead.

[01:08:23] So my foreskin meets Stop's foreskin, which has a home, right?

[01:08:26] And he helps find my...

[01:08:28] First of all, how did you make a story about foreskins?

[01:08:32] You're the protagonist?

[01:08:33] No, the foreskin is the protagonist.

[01:08:35] No, it's not.

[01:08:36] Why?

[01:08:37] Because you don't even have a fucking foreskin.

[01:08:40] This is about representation.

[01:08:42] I have a foreskin.

[01:08:43] And it's like, no, this is like when they got Italians to play Native Americans and fucking

[01:08:47] Westerns.

[01:08:48] We're not making a fucking Pixar movie about foreskins, and Jews get to be the protagonist.

[01:08:52] No.

[01:08:53] Absolutely not.

[01:08:54] It's got to be people with foreskins that get to be the protagonist.

[01:08:57] No, I'm saying he meets your foreskins.

[01:08:59] You can be a supporting character.

[01:09:00] They become friends.

[01:09:01] Your foreskin says, hey, I'm a little different, but I have a home.

[01:09:05] And he's like, just because I'm so tight doesn't mean that I can't be happy.

[01:09:10] Because I'm attached to this jolly fat man.

[01:09:13] John, John Brain.

[01:09:15] Yeah.

[01:09:16] And he's like, hey, pilgrim mind if I suck your cock.

[01:09:20] Yeah, that's good.

[01:09:22] Yeah, that's awesome.

[01:09:23] Easy there, partner.

[01:09:24] I was wondering if I could suck your cock.

[01:09:28] Yeah, that's good.

[01:09:32] I think my idea was good.

[01:09:34] Well, what was your idea again?

[01:09:35] It can maybe be a spin-off if the original goes over well.

[01:09:39] I'll take a spin-off.

[01:09:40] How about a spin-off foreskin?

[01:09:41] That would be pretty cool.

[01:09:42] Yeah.

[01:09:43] You could attach it and reattach it.

[01:09:45] That'd be so cool.

[01:09:46] I would love to be able to see what life would be like without it, but be able to put it back

[01:09:51] on.

[01:09:52] You don't don't.

[01:09:54] I think that song, Detachable Penis by King Missile.

[01:09:56] Remember that one?

[01:09:57] No, I don't know.

[01:10:00] Yeah, let's end the show with a little King Missile.

[01:10:03] Let's have them play us off.

[01:10:05] That sounds fine to me.

[01:10:07] Do you remember this one?

[01:10:15] Sounds familiar.

[01:10:17] Oh, shit, okay.

[01:10:24] I woke up this morning with a bad hangover.

[01:10:31] My penis was missing again.

[01:10:36] This happens all the time.

[01:10:39] It's Detachable.

[01:10:40] This comes in hand at a lot of the time.

[01:10:43] I can leave at home when I think it's trying to get me to get me to the end.

[01:10:46] It's just trying to get me in trouble.

[01:10:48] Or I can rent it out when I don't need it.

[01:10:51] But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can for the life of

[01:10:56] me remember what I did with it.

[01:10:58] First I looked around my apartment and then I could go find it.

[01:11:02] So I called up the place where the party was.

[01:11:04] They hadn't seen it either.

[01:11:06] I asked them to check the medicine cabinet because for some reason I leave it there sometimes,

[01:11:11] but they're not this time.