[00:00:00] show this is the premium episode for

[00:00:03] the nine people, the nine millionaires that donate.

[00:00:08] Oh yeah, we have to subscribe.

[00:00:09] A million dollars now.

[00:00:11] It's a bold move on our part,

[00:00:13] but we figured at least two or three of our fans

[00:00:15] have to be millionaires.

[00:00:16] Yeah.

[00:00:17] And so they're gonna spend a million dollars a month.

[00:00:19] I think there is a future for comedy

[00:00:21] for the top 1% of 1%.

[00:00:24] Just total like Bill Maher.

[00:00:25] Let's see if they listen to them.

[00:00:27] No, those guys?

[00:00:28] Yeah, I think yeah.

[00:00:29] I think 1% is probably just really enjoy Bill Maher.

[00:00:31] No, like fucking baby boomer dads like Bill Maher.

[00:00:35] That's who 1%ers are.

[00:00:36] Who the fuck do you think 1%ers are?

[00:00:38] No, like oil tycoons.

[00:00:39] Yeah, those guys aren't Bill Maher.

[00:00:41] They don't exist.

[00:00:42] That's how the 1% gets away with it,

[00:00:44] is that they're like people that drive Priuses

[00:00:46] and they just happen to have $80 million

[00:00:48] in their bank account.

[00:00:49] No dude, that's the 3%.

[00:00:51] Yeah, those guys are broke as fuck.

[00:00:53] No, that's like the 20%.

[00:00:56] They're rich.

[00:00:57] They're richer than you expect,

[00:00:59] but they're not fucking, you know.

[00:01:01] I don't know.

[00:01:02] The top income bracket, the 1% I think is like the cutoff.

[00:01:05] Amber, do you know what it is?

[00:01:06] It's like, it's lower than you think it would be.

[00:01:08] It's like $300,000 a year, right?

[00:01:11] You're in the top 1% if you make more than $300,000?

[00:01:14] Yeah.

[00:01:15] Yeah, it's lower than you think it is.

[00:01:17] It's lower than you think, but it's not that low.

[00:01:19] But you're right that actually like

[00:01:20] the highest concentration of extremely wealthy people

[00:01:23] are so wealthy.

[00:01:24] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:01:26] You're comparable to people that we consider

[00:01:28] as part of the game.

[00:01:29] Yeah, so Nick's not right actually is what Amber was saying.

[00:01:31] No, I am right.

[00:01:32] Yeah, Nick was saying he's one percenters of what I said.

[00:01:35] But he's crazy.

[00:01:37] Well, I said top 1% of the 1%.

[00:01:39] Now I'm going to look this shit up.

[00:01:41] I said top 1 pieces of shit.

[00:01:43] Whatever, man, this shit's boring.

[00:01:44] Who cares?

[00:01:45] I can tell you what do you think comedy for the top 1%

[00:01:48] when I say something, and based on nothing,

[00:01:51] you're like, oh, no, that's not right.

[00:01:52] Well, who wants the correct answer?

[00:01:53] I don't know.

[00:01:54] I'm fucking off.

[00:01:55] Nick, here's a little guy.

[00:01:56] How about this?

[00:01:58] Under the boardwalk.

[00:02:00] Do you have your gay sex?

[00:02:02] Under the boardwalk.

[00:02:05] We'll be sucking off men under the boardwalk.

[00:02:09] I will have gay sex for the first time under the boardwalk.

[00:02:14] I'll make that Puerto Rican man mine.

[00:02:17] Under the boardwalk.

[00:02:19] Wait, wait.

[00:02:19] I have another one.

[00:02:20] Hold on.

[00:02:21] Hold on.

[00:02:22] Suck my dick, I'm gay.

[00:02:25] Oh, classic.

[00:02:27] Wow.

[00:02:27] Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[00:02:30] Suck my dick, I'm gay.

[00:02:33] Wow.

[00:02:34] That's being said to another man, by the way.

[00:02:38] Suck my dick, I'm gay.

[00:02:40] And I have another one.

[00:02:41] You could have gay sex with a woman.

[00:02:44] How?

[00:02:45] No, it's not gay.

[00:02:46] Me and my wife have been having gay sex recently.

[00:02:50] It's been, we've been getting into some gay sex recently,

[00:02:53] me and my wife.

[00:02:54] Do you mean pegging?

[00:02:55] No, it's not gay, dude.

[00:02:57] It's straight as hell.

[00:02:59] No, I just, you know, I say thank you.

[00:03:00] It's getting the massage, getting the prostate massage.

[00:03:03] Nick, what if you find out?

[00:03:05] I don't know.

[00:03:05] I started reading an Atlantic article,

[00:03:06] and there's all these graphs, and it's not a difference.

[00:03:08] Dude, who cares, dude?

[00:03:09] This shit is not about learning.

[00:03:10] It's about singing songs about being gay.

[00:03:12] Here's another one.

[00:03:14] When a man sucks of penis.

[00:03:17] Wait, so you had like a memo and you're all?

[00:03:19] Yeah, I have a memo.

[00:03:20] These are all not as good as they usually are.

[00:03:22] No, this one's good, man.

[00:03:23] No, man sucks of penis is pretty fucking bad, dude.

[00:03:26] When a man sucks of penis, it's really good.

[00:03:28] That's not good quality.

[00:03:30] I mean, I don't think they're very good, dude.

[00:03:32] Good, necessarily.

[00:03:33] Some of them are very good.

[00:03:35] When a man sucks of penis is very good.

[00:03:37] Existy.

[00:03:38] Because of its simplicity, I think it's lazy.

[00:03:40] Yeah, I think it's lazy about it.

[00:03:41] I think it's a lazy one.

[00:03:42] You do one.

[00:03:43] No, the ones that are good are the ones

[00:03:44] where it just doesn't fit at all,

[00:03:46] but you still make it work.

[00:03:48] Like what?

[00:03:50] But you have to do it like.

[00:03:52] The ones we were doing were suck my dick to pieces.

[00:03:56] Suck my dick into pieces.

[00:03:59] That was good.

[00:04:00] I'm very, very gay.

[00:04:01] Yeah, yeah.

[00:04:03] Suck my dick into pieces.

[00:04:05] No, thank you.

[00:04:06] That works like.

[00:04:07] It works, but where there's like an extra word?

[00:04:11] Those are the best ones.

[00:04:12] Yeah, it is.

[00:04:12] You're right.

[00:04:13] It's stupid.

[00:04:13] But there's something, you know?

[00:04:15] Maybe we got it.

[00:04:15] I was doing the nightmare before Christmas

[00:04:19] on Making Christmas.

[00:04:21] We're like making Christmas, making Christmas,

[00:04:24] making Christmas, but it's sucking dickness.

[00:04:28] Yeah, that's good.

[00:04:29] Yeah, that's look, man.

[00:04:30] Because it doesn't fit.

[00:04:31] That's what makes it fun.

[00:04:32] No, they're all fun.

[00:04:33] And you're bringing a little negativity

[00:04:35] to the sucking my dick songs that I'm not really

[00:04:37] appreciating right now.

[00:04:38] I think there's a little room for everything, you know?

[00:04:41] Some of them can be elegant rhymes.

[00:04:44] Some of them can be little clunkers.

[00:04:46] They're fun.

[00:04:48] That's my stance.

[00:04:49] I'm trying to think of other good ones

[00:04:50] where there's just one word.

[00:04:51] What were we just doing?

[00:04:51] We were just doing a pretty good one.

[00:04:53] Like classical music.

[00:04:54] Pretty much every Billy Joel song works.

[00:04:56] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:04:57] Every Billy Joel song is perfect for.

[00:04:59] Well, yeah.

[00:05:00] What were you just doing?

[00:05:01] He did a bunch of drafts when he wrote the lyrics.

[00:05:04] And the original lyrics were typically about sucking dick

[00:05:07] and being dead.

[00:05:08] You know, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

[00:05:10] was originally a song that was to teach

[00:05:13] your chumagrin, how to suck dick.

[00:05:15] Yeah.

[00:05:16] You wanted to suck.

[00:05:17] Paul Simon's son.

[00:05:18] Yeah.

[00:05:18] Paul Simon's son.

[00:05:19] He wanted his son to learn how to suck dick

[00:05:21] and fuck his dad.

[00:05:22] So why he wrote that song.

[00:05:25] That's really nice of him.

[00:05:26] Oh, suck on a dick, Rick.

[00:05:29] You just doing one that was really good.

[00:05:31] Some about, oh, yeah.

[00:05:32] You want to blow my dick?

[00:05:35] You want to blow my dick?

[00:05:37] Yeah.

[00:05:38] Yeah.

[00:05:40] Woo.

[00:05:40] Billy Joel.

[00:05:42] Billy Joel's great, dude.

[00:05:43] Yeah.

[00:05:44] Blowjob.

[00:05:45] Billy Blowjobs.

[00:05:46] Yeah.

[00:05:47] He has the best initials ever.

[00:05:48] Uh-huh.

[00:05:49] Did you see that Kristi Brinkley is in sports illustrated

[00:05:53] with her two daughters?

[00:05:54] And she's like, the bikini one.

[00:05:57] And it's like, she's like 65 or whatever.

[00:06:00] And she looks still hot as hell.

[00:06:02] And her daughter looks exactly like a young-ass Kristi Brinkley.

[00:06:06] And then it's just like Billy Joel's daughter.

[00:06:09] It's like so clean.

[00:06:11] She just looks like she looks like a couple.

[00:06:13] Chameleon.

[00:06:14] I mean, she doesn't look bad, but it's just like-

[00:06:15] That's those weird chameleon eyes.

[00:06:17] The Billy Joel has.

[00:06:18] Yeah, exactly.

[00:06:19] She's got Billy Joel's face.

[00:06:20] Is that Alexa Joel?

[00:06:22] Yeah.

[00:06:23] How- The Down Easter Alexa?

[00:06:24] Yeah.

[00:06:25] It must be so annoying to have to do that photo shoot and know you're the third hottest

[00:06:29] one, including your 65-year-old mother.

[00:06:31] It's just like blowing- and your sister just got to look- how jealous is Billy Joel's

[00:06:37] daughter just looking at her sister who looks exactly like their mom?

[00:06:42] Everybody wants to- Anybody wants to- My answer is very jealous.

[00:06:46] I don't know.

[00:06:48] Maybe she's okay with it.

[00:06:50] She's pretty rich, you know?

[00:06:51] That's true.

[00:06:52] I want to get rich, dude.

[00:06:54] They asked Paul Simon, they were like, your lyrics are so incredible.

[00:06:58] Like that song, you know that song Diamonds on the Souls of her shoes?

[00:07:02] They were like, what is that all- what is that about?

[00:07:06] And he- apparently he just answered, um, I don't know.

[00:07:10] I don't know.

[00:07:11] Well, that's why music's bullshit, dude.

[00:07:13] Most musicians don't know why they're fucking saying certain things.

[00:07:17] I know there's plenty of them to do, but the amount of musicians I've met that just write

[00:07:21] these fucking cryptic false- they got false mythology and they're all their lyricism.

[00:07:28] And it's like, what the fuck?

[00:07:29] What does this mean?

[00:07:30] Yeah.

[00:07:31] Yeah.

[00:07:32] That's why the only concept albums- That's why the only good band is Led Zepp, because

[00:07:35] they're singing about War of the Rings, Dwarves.

[00:07:38] Getting the lead out, dude.

[00:07:41] Yeah.

[00:07:42] Head Zepp.

[00:07:43] Oh, nice.

[00:07:44] It's a blimp for you.

[00:07:45] Dicks.

[00:07:46] Get on that blimp.

[00:07:47] Get your dicks on.

[00:07:48] That's the real Lolita Express.

[00:07:50] Yeah, dude.

[00:07:51] What did he call it?

[00:07:52] The Lolita Express and not head Zepp.

[00:07:55] Wait, it's in a blimp?

[00:07:58] I thought it was in a play.

[00:07:59] It's a plane, but blimps are a type of plane.

[00:08:01] I think a blimp would be a better pedophile, like, uh, maybe it's of air travel.

[00:08:07] It's more like, it's more like, it's wimsical.

[00:08:09] It's wimsical.

[00:08:10] Yeah.

[00:08:11] I just, you dicks, you dicks suck by a four year old on a blimp and the whole time you

[00:08:15] have to go, yes.

[00:08:17] Yes.

[00:08:18] That's the only way to do it.

[00:08:21] Yeah, because it's a place-

[00:08:23] It's basically a bouncy house.

[00:08:25] Like basically, I'm imagining the penguin if the character's story was that he was a

[00:08:29] pedophile.

[00:08:30] The penguin definitely fucked children, dude.

[00:08:32] All the villains, dude.

[00:08:33] That's why they're villains.

[00:08:34] What's wrong with the riddle, or he just likes riddles?

[00:08:37] The Batman Haze-

[00:08:38] Can you ever kill people?

[00:08:39] No.

[00:08:40] The riddler?

[00:08:41] Yeah, he killed, they all killed people.

[00:08:42] His original name was the Diddler.

[00:08:43] And there was little, very little dicks.

[00:08:47] He said question marks on his shirt.

[00:08:49] Yeah.

[00:08:50] Like just little kid dicks.

[00:08:52] Yeah.

[00:08:53] Well, the question marks are to represent his gender.

[00:08:55] Uh-oh, he's trans.

[00:08:57] Uh-huh.

[00:08:58] Or no, he's not trans.

[00:08:59] He's gender fluid.

[00:09:01] And he, he, he, he would always trap Batman because Batman would use the wrong pronouns

[00:09:05] and then the entire city would turn against him.

[00:09:07] Like at the end of Dark Knight.

[00:09:09] Interesting.

[00:09:10] Yeah.

[00:09:11] Batman is actually bad.

[00:09:12] He called the riddler they instead of G.

[00:09:15] G.

[00:09:16] Are there new ones?

[00:09:19] Are there new ones?

[00:09:20] Yeah.

[00:09:21] Are there new ones?

[00:09:23] Yeah.

[00:09:24] I just, my favorite ones are the ones that are like, well, I identify as a fairy.

[00:09:29] So it's fey.

[00:09:30] Fey or fey.

[00:09:32] Fey, fey.

[00:09:33] Yeah.

[00:09:34] Is that a real thing?

[00:09:35] Yeah.

[00:09:36] People that identify as fairies is like woodland fairies.

[00:09:39] That's just being gay.

[00:09:41] Otherwise.

[00:09:42] No, like fairies, they think they're like pixies.

[00:09:45] Well, even though, I'm pixies, I'm pretty sure are weightless.

[00:09:48] You are way above the physical world.

[00:09:52] Wait, that's not a fucking gender is being a fairy.

[00:09:55] Yeah, it is.

[00:09:56] Yeah.

[00:09:57] No.

[00:09:58] Yes, it is, dude.

[00:09:59] Woodnymph is a fairy, is a gender?

[00:10:01] Yeah.

[00:10:02] Yeah.

[00:10:03] It could be a nymph.

[00:10:04] It could be a joke.

[00:10:05] Julia Roberts, she's a teacher.

[00:10:06] Hell yeah.

[00:10:07] Tinkerbell, short hair Julia Roberts Tinkerbell.

[00:10:09] Yeah.

[00:10:10] And Hook, my bitch.

[00:10:11] Oh, right.

[00:10:12] Yeah.

[00:10:13] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:10:14] Remember she goes to normal size?

[00:10:15] That kid kind of looks like Billy Joel's daughter.

[00:10:17] That kid looks like Sarah Hook.

[00:10:19] Yeah.

[00:10:20] Yeah.

[00:10:21] Yeah.

[00:10:22] Joe Robinson burned her with that.

[00:10:23] That one.

[00:10:24] That's the best brand.

[00:10:25] That is a good one.

[00:10:26] One of the best brands I ever ever told you, you look like the sun from Hook.

[00:10:31] That was so specific, but so immediately remember.

[00:10:34] I fucked with Hook, dude.

[00:10:36] And I found out later I favorite that everyone thinks it was a bad movie.

[00:10:39] What?

[00:10:40] Yeah.

[00:10:41] People think Hook sucks.

[00:10:42] I didn't give a shit about Hook as a kid.

[00:10:43] I love that shit.

[00:10:44] I saw Rufio.

[00:10:45] It was one of those movies I saw just me and the old man went to the theater.

[00:10:48] Oh, yeah.

[00:10:49] I was all about TMNT as a kid.

[00:10:51] That was my favorite movie.

[00:10:52] Me too, dude.

[00:10:53] Yeah.

[00:10:54] Yeah.

[00:10:55] I fucked with teenage me and then just so hard.

[00:10:56] Rufio.

[00:10:57] Dude, I wanted to be in the Foot Clan so bad.

[00:10:59] Which one?

[00:11:00] You were going to be a bad guy?

[00:11:01] Of course you did.

[00:11:02] But real quick before we start talking about TMNT.

[00:11:03] I wanted to be, I wanted to be, you know I wanted to be the young Sam Rockwell in TMNT

[00:11:09] who offers cigarettes for sales.

[00:11:12] Guys, I have a really good point before we start talking about...

[00:11:14] Sam Rockwell is in that movie.

[00:11:15] He's been aged 22.

[00:11:16] He's been aged 22.

[00:11:17] Young Sam Rockwell.

[00:11:18] Rufio.

[00:11:19] Ruf.

[00:11:20] That kind of sounds like Sam Rockwell was in.

[00:11:23] So Rufio was cool.

[00:11:24] Sam Rockwell was in.

[00:11:25] His cross talk good.

[00:11:27] TMNT.

[00:11:28] Rufio was cool because it kind of sounded like he gets his dick sucked.

[00:11:31] Like I'm acting Greek.

[00:11:32] Greek Rufio means I suck.

[00:11:36] So Rufio was like a guy who sucks dick.

[00:11:39] Yeah.

[00:11:40] Let's talk about teenage me and these darels.

[00:11:41] I had to get that point out.

[00:11:43] Folks, if you're a fan of Sam Rockwell, you want to check out an early role.

[00:11:47] TMNT.

[00:11:48] In the first one.

[00:11:49] He's in the first one.

[00:11:51] He's selling Lucy cigarettes and all that.

[00:11:53] When they eat it, it's out.

[00:11:54] In the first scene where they show the Foot Clan hideout when you know the whole skateboard

[00:11:59] ramp.

[00:12:00] That shit looks so tight.

[00:12:01] Sam Rockwell comes up and he's like, I got menthols and non-menthols and he's got two

[00:12:06] cartons of cigarettes.

[00:12:07] Nice.

[00:12:08] God, I miss cigarettes.

[00:12:09] I haven't had a cigarette in a week.

[00:12:11] Are you going to stop now that you were sick?

[00:12:13] I saw Sam Rockwell.

[00:12:14] No, I missed.

[00:12:15] I want to smoke one.

[00:12:16] I saw Sam Rockwell in the East Village.

[00:12:17] Did you fuck up?

[00:12:18] Yeah.

[00:12:19] I took a picture of him.

[00:12:20] Did you look good?

[00:12:21] You did.

[00:12:22] Yeah, I did.

[00:12:23] From behind.

[00:12:24] So it just looks like a guy walking across the street.

[00:12:26] There probably wasn't even him.

[00:12:27] No.

[00:12:28] That's the thing with New York is you do see celebrities all the time.

[00:12:31] All the time.

[00:12:32] I'm sure that's just him.

[00:12:34] I saw Anthony Hopkins in Soho and I'm like, that can't be Anthony Hopkins.

[00:12:38] He wouldn't just be walking around Soho and it's like, oh yeah, actually he would.

[00:12:41] Yeah, it's New York.

[00:12:42] Yeah.

[00:12:43] I saw I'm trying to have lunch.

[00:12:46] I'm looking for a place to have.

[00:12:48] Hey, you guys think you wanted to find a place to have lunch?

[00:12:52] Fava beans.

[00:12:53] What beans?

[00:12:54] Uh, guys, you think you was ordering Fava beans?

[00:12:58] I, you might remember me from the mask of Zorro.

[00:13:04] My proudest role is when I played Old Zorro, the taught Antonio.

[00:13:10] Oh yeah, even the Old Zorro.

[00:13:11] How was Kyle?

[00:13:12] How to cut women's clothes off.

[00:13:14] Yeah, that was cool, man.

[00:13:15] Yeah, dude.

[00:13:16] You could see titties.

[00:13:17] Everyone wanted a sword after that movie came out.

[00:13:19] Absolutely.

[00:13:20] Dude, that's it.

[00:13:21] I like it.

[00:13:22] If I get to see breasts with this sword by sexually removing women's clothes through the power

[00:13:26] of Katana.

[00:13:28] Now, yeah, didn't you have a little last sword that got that.

[00:13:30] Yeah, it was only like sharp at the end.

[00:13:32] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:13:33] That's a cool, true.

[00:13:34] You had the little biggest sword of all time.

[00:13:36] No, it's like a cool sword.

[00:13:38] Yeah, you could like write your name and show it, dude.

[00:13:40] That's why we're getting shit split by any other sword.

[00:13:43] Yeah, no, not if you're name a sword, bitch.

[00:13:46] I don't know.

[00:13:47] Katana is the best sword.

[00:13:49] Katana is the best sword.

[00:13:50] Uh, no, that's a huge.

[00:13:51] Even a big ass like Tori Hanzo.

[00:13:52] Katana is the best sword.

[00:13:54] A what?

[00:13:55] Tori Hanzo, Katana.

[00:13:56] What is that?

[00:13:57] Uh, Tori Hanzo.

[00:13:58] Oh, is that Kill Bill?

[00:14:01] Yeah, that's Kill Bill.

[00:14:02] Isn't there, there's a type of Katana that's called like a, a nagata, nagata, something

[00:14:08] like something in the goddess, in the goddess, in the goddess, in the goddess, even sharper.

[00:14:12] Really?

[00:14:13] I think I don't know.

[00:14:15] I read the Wikipedia page or Katana is like seven months ago.

[00:14:20] Sounds, checks out to me, my dear.

[00:14:24] Um, when are we gonna become kimono guys?

[00:14:27] Immediately.

[00:14:28] I told you, I'm editing myself into that episode of Sweet Valley High as a Ronan.

[00:14:32] That's what the hometown web series is gonna be, guys.

[00:14:36] Dude, can we just- Sorry to ruin the surprise, but it's me taking old episodes of Sweet Valley

[00:14:40] High and I add myself as a Ronan.

[00:14:43] Can we legit just do that?

[00:14:45] Just take shit and just put ourselves in it.

[00:14:47] Yeah, I do, I do that all the time for my own personal use.

[00:14:50] All the movies you watch are just like in the background of every scene.

[00:14:54] I add, if I like a movie, I'll take it in the final cut and I'll add myself into every

[00:14:58] scene.

[00:14:59] I mean, who doesn't do that?

[00:15:01] I do that, you enjoy a movie, wouldn't you wanna be a part of it?

[00:15:04] I did it the other day.

[00:15:05] I added myself as the old lady in the fake orgasm scene in Harry Metz

[00:15:19] I added myself into the tool where the guy pulls his dick out and I suck it.

[00:15:23] I take videos of myself lying in bed all day due to clinical depression and then I edit

[00:15:29] Roger Rabbit from Who Frame Roger Rabbit into it and he keeps calling me Eddie and he's

[00:15:33] trying to cheer me up, but it just doesn't work.

[00:15:36] And then I watch them and I spend the next day watching them.

[00:15:40] Oh, nice dude.

[00:15:41] Can you edit yourself getting fucking Jessica Rabbit?

[00:15:45] Yeah, that would be tight.

[00:15:46] Oh man, she's the hottest girl of all time, she's not even real.

[00:15:50] Isn't that a lesson boys?

[00:15:51] Yeah, very much how the Katana is the most powerful sword, Hentai is the most powerful

[00:15:56] type of pornography.

[00:15:57] It's true.

[00:15:58] Hell yeah, dude.

[00:16:01] I'm trying to watch some Hentai.

[00:16:03] Did you guys ever beat off to Hentai as a phase?

[00:16:06] No.

[00:16:07] I beat off like once or twice to some Hentai.

[00:16:10] Yeah, big surprise.

[00:16:12] Wow that I'm worldly and trying fucking hurt out of the culture's dick.

[00:16:15] Yeah, you're right.

[00:16:17] I use caviar as lube when I masturbate to children because I've read the Encyclopedia

[00:16:21] Britannica.

[00:16:22] Is that so weird?

[00:16:24] That's how I learned.

[00:16:25] That's how I learned.

[00:16:26] I love that.

[00:16:27] I love you saying that.

[00:16:28] That's worldly.

[00:16:29] That's what you're learning about Japanese culture.

[00:16:32] I tried it all.

[00:16:33] The way you're worldly is by being the same shape as a globe.

[00:16:39] First of all, I don't believe that you haven't ever at least sort of beat off to Hentai.

[00:16:43] I've looked at it.

[00:16:44] I mean definitely wall in the process.

[00:16:47] But it's all like rape.

[00:16:48] So you're all liars.

[00:16:49] No, not liars.

[00:16:50] It's not all rape.

[00:16:51] Isn't it all rape?

[00:16:52] Isn't it like a little like rape by a monster?

[00:16:55] Sometimes she just have such big juicy cartoonish titties bobbing up and down.

[00:16:59] Yeah, but she's getting raped.

[00:17:01] No, she's into it.

[00:17:02] You remember hookups, the brand hookups?

[00:17:04] Yeah, those t-shirts.

[00:17:05] Yeah.

[00:17:06] I want to get a hookup after a t-shirt.

[00:17:07] No, it was my introduction to Hentai.

[00:17:08] Yeah, it was hookups.

[00:17:09] Wait, what's hookups?

[00:17:10] Hookups was a brand.

[00:17:11] It was gaping.

[00:17:12] It was packed.

[00:17:13] It was like a skateboard brand back in like the mid to late 90s.

[00:17:17] Yeah.

[00:17:18] And like all the t-shirts had like big t-shirts.

[00:17:21] Hookups made an animation.

[00:17:22] And girl boards.

[00:17:23] You remember girl boards?

[00:17:24] Yeah.

[00:17:25] Yeah.

[00:17:26] Did you skate briefly?

[00:17:27] Yeah, I had a fight of phase.

[00:17:28] I was really bad.

[00:17:29] Yeah.

[00:17:30] That's more embarrassing than beating off to Hentai.

[00:17:32] What?

[00:17:33] Skating.

[00:17:34] More later boys.

[00:17:35] Why?

[00:17:36] Because Hentai is a sports.

[00:17:37] It's natural, dude.

[00:17:38] Hentai is natural.

[00:17:39] No skating is cool, dude.

[00:17:40] Nice.

[00:17:41] You were in middle school, you either were prep and you were Abercrombie, Hollister, that

[00:17:47] kind of stuff, or you were a skater.

[00:17:48] And I went skater, dude.

[00:17:50] Obviously.

[00:17:51] Yeah, I broke the mold, dude.

[00:17:52] I was a rock boy.

[00:17:53] Yeah.

[00:17:54] You were a rocker?

[00:17:55] I was wearing...

[00:17:56] Well, because I was...

[00:17:57] Well, when you're one of them...

[00:17:58] You dressed like Zachamiko.

[00:17:59] Yeah.

[00:18:00] When you're one of only 10 white people in a high school, you have to like rock and roll,

[00:18:05] I think.

[00:18:06] I was like, I would totally pretend.

[00:18:08] Like, I would get like, intense grade, what like Elvis?

[00:18:12] Not.

[00:18:13] Yeah.

[00:18:14] Yeah.

[00:18:15] That's the one.

[00:18:16] That's the one.

[00:18:17] Yeah.

[00:18:18] I would just like the fans.

[00:18:20] Just like these black people.

[00:18:22] Just fucking raising an eyebrow and stuff.

[00:18:24] And he's walking down the hallway.

[00:18:25] He's like, one o'clock.

[00:18:26] Dude.

[00:18:27] Dude.

[00:18:28] Dude.

[00:18:29] He's gay or something.

[00:18:30] My boy's gay, dude.

[00:18:31] Oh, he's talking about this clock.

[00:18:32] We're going rock.

[00:18:33] I know what time it is.

[00:18:40] Is it...

[00:18:41] No?

[00:18:42] Probably not.

[00:18:43] We're talking about awesome riffs.

[00:18:46] What's it talking about?

[00:18:49] Oh, I was...

[00:18:50] I went to Greece one summer and my cousin had like the greatest hit...

[00:18:59] My cousin was a metalhead and then I just came back and I loved Zappan.

[00:19:03] I was black Sabbath and shit.

[00:19:04] And I grew my hair out, dude.

[00:19:06] And I had long hair all of high school.

[00:19:08] Beautiful, luscious curls.

[00:19:10] Yeah.

[00:19:11] And I was just wearing Sabbath T-shirts and Zappan T-shirts.

[00:19:14] Oh, I went from skater to Scott and Pop punk.

[00:19:20] So you were a skater boy and then she said...

[00:19:23] Just see you later boy.

[00:19:25] Yeah.

[00:19:26] Did you guys ever want to fuck Avril Lavigne?

[00:19:28] No.

[00:19:29] Yeah, until I saw her without makeup.

[00:19:31] I remember like...

[00:19:33] My son, my friend, my friend, my wife, is like, check out this picture of Avril Lavigne

[00:19:38] without makeup.

[00:19:39] And we were like, Ewwwwww, she's disgusting.

[00:19:43] What if I get 14 year old pieces of shit?

[00:19:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:19:51] Completely.

[00:19:52] Yes, I appreciate all forms of beauty.

[00:19:53] So I thought she was beautiful even without makeup.

[00:19:57] And she's pretty unremarkable looking.

[00:20:00] I remember.

[00:20:01] But it was all about the attitude, man.

[00:20:03] She had a skater attitude.

[00:20:04] It was all about that bad, bad attitude.

[00:20:07] Which you were like a wife, Peter, and a tie.

[00:20:13] That was her style.

[00:20:14] Yeah, yeah.

[00:20:15] And then also...

[00:20:16] And then she married Chad Kroger.

[00:20:19] From Nickelback.

[00:20:20] Nickelback.

[00:20:21] I thought she was going out with some 41.

[00:20:24] That guy looks horrible by the way.

[00:20:26] Yeah, that guy was terrible.

[00:20:27] That elf guy.

[00:20:28] He looks so fat.

[00:20:29] He looks like a good gnome.

[00:20:30] Yeah.

[00:20:31] Oh, yeah.

[00:20:32] Yeah, I never did pop punk though.

[00:20:35] I was too cool, man.

[00:20:36] I was just like a zap boy.

[00:20:37] Yeah, I always hated pop punk.

[00:20:38] But I kind of like it now as an adult, which is much worse.

[00:20:41] I don't get that.

[00:20:42] I never really...

[00:20:43] Like, say anything.

[00:20:44] I hated that fucking band.

[00:20:46] I didn't like saying anything.

[00:20:47] They got a couple of jams.

[00:20:48] I like to jack off.

[00:20:50] It's just fucking...

[00:20:52] That's Phil, Phil, my friend's favorite band.

[00:20:54] Say anything?

[00:20:55] Yeah.

[00:20:56] Why?

[00:20:57] Phil and Trevor, they love it.

[00:20:58] I don't know.

[00:20:59] It's bad.

[00:21:00] A lot of people like that shit, dude.

[00:21:01] Oh, thank you.

[00:21:02] Oh, hell yeah.

[00:21:03] We got ginger tees on deck.

[00:21:05] Thanks, Amber.

[00:21:06] Yeah, so, yeah.

[00:21:07] Then I went from pop punk like ninth grade, and then I got into...

[00:21:12] I'm still laughing about gay ass rockabilly stuff.

[00:21:16] I forgot why I was never rockabilly.

[00:21:19] But I wish I was.

[00:21:21] I just really, really had the rock.

[00:21:23] Who is like that is like guys with Down syndrome.

[00:21:26] And I know you think that's just some mean thing I'm saying.

[00:21:28] Yes.

[00:21:09] I do.

[00:21:29] I'm a bit...

[00:21:30] Down syndrome guys, they love rock and roll.

[00:21:35] That's like a thing they like.

[00:21:36] I wish, dude.

[00:21:37] You know what Down syndrome guys love?

[00:21:40] Everything that Uncle Jesse loved.

[00:21:41] Oh, dude, hell yeah.

[00:21:42] I fucked with Uncle Jesse.

[00:21:44] As a little kid, I actually kind of was like that.

[00:21:46] I remember the first time I saw my reflection, I was like four.

[00:21:49] And I was like mad.

[00:21:51] I didn't look like Uncle Jesse.

[00:21:52] When you see your reflection and your way fucking fat.

[00:21:57] I wasn't fat back then.

[00:22:00] Here's what I became fat in third grade.

[00:22:04] Sometimes you're fat and you're not Uncle Jesse.

[00:22:09] You get fat because you're fat.

[00:22:15] I can trace exactly what I got fat.

[00:22:17] Fat wood Mac.

[00:22:18] Fat wood Mac and cheese.

[00:22:20] Wasn't easy.

[00:22:21] Wasn't one of them fat as hell anyway?

[00:22:22] No.

[00:22:23] No, not at all.

[00:22:24] They were all having sex with each other.

[00:22:25] I think one was a beautiful woman and the other was.

[00:22:28] Is it Mama Cass?

[00:22:29] No, Mama Cass is in flea.

[00:22:31] It's Bessie.

[00:22:32] It's Bessie.

[00:22:33] I don't know.

[00:22:34] It was two.

[00:22:35] It was two really hot girls and then two guys that fucked all of them.

[00:22:38] That traded them.

[00:22:39] You know, I had sex with Stevie.

[00:22:40] You fucked Stevie next.

[00:22:41] You fucked Stevie next?

[00:22:42] Yeah.

[00:22:43] Me too.

[00:22:44] Really?

[00:22:45] Mm-hmm.

[00:22:46] The other one was pretty hot too.

[00:22:47] Yeah, that other bitch.

[00:22:48] Yeah.

[00:22:49] Yeah, I fucked her also.

[00:22:50] I also had sex with her as well.

[00:22:51] But let me tell you guys when I got fat.

[00:22:54] Did you guys even care about my life as those fat girls?

[00:22:56] Yes, yes.

[00:22:57] What happened?

[00:22:58] My mom gave me milk.

[00:22:59] They came out with Serge.

[00:23:00] My mom gave me milk money, right?

[00:23:04] And but there was a table at the front of the cafeteria in elementary school where people

[00:23:08] just gave away their milks if they didn't want them.

[00:23:11] So I would have 50 cents on deck every day for milk, but there was free fucking milks

[00:23:16] and guess what?

[00:23:17] They're selling cupcakes now.

[00:23:19] So every single day.

[00:23:20] For 50 cents?

[00:23:21] Well, no, sometimes just 25, dude.

[00:23:22] That's a good deal.

[00:23:23] Boy, your boy's out there fucking eating a cupcake and a candy bar every single day on

[00:23:29] top of the generous lunch.

[00:23:31] Venetia Halquist is packing him.

[00:23:34] She packed a good lunch.

[00:23:35] She would hooked it the fuck up.

[00:23:37] Oh, yeah.

[00:23:38] And I had great haggling skills.

[00:23:39] I would fucking trade my, you know, so ever since then in third grade, John Rurai Elementary

[00:23:43] School fucked me, fucked my whole life by trying to make money off of children's love

[00:23:49] of cupcakes.

[00:23:50] Thanks.

[00:23:51] Yeah, I got fat as shit.

[00:23:52] But it was because my parents split up and my dad like, it was just like, yeah, but

[00:23:57] if we're going to Burger King and get dinner.

[00:23:59] Yeah.

[00:24:00] Oh my God.

[00:24:01] If my dad did, my dad never made dinner.

[00:24:03] We just go to McDonald's every fucking day.

[00:24:05] Yeah.

[00:24:06] I remember when my dad would go shopping and it was just like, okay, we have 40 Jimmy

[00:24:09] Dean sandwich burger or breakfast sandwiches.

[00:24:12] Yeah.

[00:24:13] And that's all we have for the whole shit ton of those.

[00:24:16] Yeah.

[00:24:17] He'll get tequitos.

[00:24:18] I grew up the hot pockets.

[00:24:20] My dad would always, it was also with my, my dad went shopping.

[00:24:23] Yeah.

[00:24:24] My, my, my mom's apartment, like what there was to eat was Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches

[00:24:28] and fucking like a crate of Dr. Pepper next to the cat litter box.

[00:24:33] And I would just go in there and read that fucking Dr. Pepper.

[00:24:37] Oh, fuck yeah, dude.

[00:24:38] And spam my mom would fucking hook up a nice spam sandwich.

[00:24:41] Yeah, we had that shit.

[00:24:42] I remember having spam.

[00:24:43] Should put it on the front of the first time I tried.

[00:24:44] I remember the first time I tried to make dinner.

[00:24:47] Was he shitty like frozen like breaded beef pads or something?

[00:24:51] I know exactly what the fuck you're talking about.

[00:24:53] Some like shoppers food warehouse like.

[00:24:55] Were they the ones that came with bread?

[00:24:57] No, I don't know if it came with bread.

[00:24:59] It was like just like a breaded like beef.

[00:25:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:25:03] With no label.

[00:25:04] It was just a bag.

[00:25:05] Yes.

[00:25:06] Filled with them.

[00:25:07] And I was like, I'm going to cook this.

[00:25:08] And I was like, oh, just fry it in soy sauce.

[00:25:10] Because I didn't know how cooking worked.

[00:25:12] And I made the most disgusting thing I've ever made before.

[00:25:15] In our life, yeah, you just boiled a fucking breaded.

[00:25:18] A breaded burger in soy sauce.

[00:25:20] Yeah, that shit was just awesome, man.

[00:25:24] Yeah, my dad would get those fucking burgers.

[00:25:27] Those ready made burgers with like that.

[00:25:29] You just were supposed to microwave them bread and all.

[00:25:32] Well, we didn't have a microwave.

[00:25:34] So I would just fucking set up like I would make like quadruple

[00:25:37] deckers.

[00:25:38] I would just defrost them and just stay in the fucking

[00:25:41] free in the kitchen by myself as like a nine year old.

[00:25:44] And just make quadruple deck fucking burgers.

[00:25:46] It was fucking tight.

[00:25:47] Hell yeah, dude.

[00:25:48] What did you eat, Adam fucking?

[00:25:50] My mom was like a nazi around the house.

[00:25:53] We didn't have like any cool cereal.

[00:25:55] That's why I always wanted to sleep out at other people's

[00:25:57] houses because they had good cereal.

[00:25:59] You could fuck their dads.

[00:26:00] Yeah.

[00:26:01] And their dads could kiss me and their faces could be

[00:26:04] scratchy and stuff.

[00:26:06] I'm not like my boy face.

[00:26:07] By the way, speaking of that real quick, before we get to

[00:26:09] that, your story is that like, that's my dad kissing me on

[00:26:14] the cheek has left me with a very strange association when a

[00:26:17] girl's like in between shaving her post like I don't care if

[00:26:21] she's got a bush or if she's clean shaving, but it's got a

[00:26:23] little stubble and I'm eating pussy.

[00:26:25] I feel like I'm kissing my dad on the cheek.

[00:26:27] And I don't like it.

[00:26:28] You associate it with your dad.

[00:26:30] Yeah.

[00:26:31] Kissing your dad.

[00:26:32] You associate that.

[00:26:33] Well, just a just a stubbledy pussy.

[00:26:35] I associate with my dad.

[00:26:36] I remember being at the, uh, you know, Rio in Gaithersburg.

[00:26:40] They're like, yeah, yeah.

[00:26:41] No, it's like a weird shopping center.

[00:26:43] It was designed in like the like probably the early 80s.

[00:26:47] Right.

[00:26:48] It's totally outdated.

[00:26:49] Yeah.

[00:26:50] It's weird.

[00:26:51] Like Gody.

[00:26:52] Well, they made it nice.

[00:26:53] Now there's like, like a man made lake now.

[00:26:54] It was cooler.

[00:26:55] Yeah.

[00:26:56] It was cooler when I was a kid because it was like a, they had

[00:26:57] like a real arcade in there.

[00:26:58] I remember.

[00:26:59] Like that was like, cause, uh, because the arcade zone exists

[00:27:01] anymore, but they had all these fucking like, you know, coin

[00:27:03] op games and shit.

[00:27:05] Like bumper cars and batting cages, but they had a, I remember

[00:27:07] being at the hamburger hamlet there.

[00:27:09] Now, eating with my family.

[00:27:12] And these two, I don't know how I knew they were Greek, but it was

[00:27:16] true.

[00:27:17] Cause I was like seven, but there was a Greek father and his son walks up to

[00:27:20] him and the son was like probably 17 or whatever.

[00:27:23] And they just started like open mouth kissing.

[00:27:25] What?

[00:27:26] Well, like kissing on the lips, but like passionately.

[00:27:28] And I was like, what the fuck?

[00:27:30] They were necessary.

[00:27:31] Cause I knew they weren't gay.

[00:27:33] It was a father and like a, or maybe they were gay and it was just a, you

[00:27:37] know, a disparate, you know, age.

[00:27:39] Maybe.

[00:27:40] Yeah.

[00:27:41] And then the first introduction to Greek people.

[00:27:42] Yeah.

[00:27:43] Well, when you love your, I always make out my father when I see him be.

[00:27:46] I always do.

[00:27:47] I just, open mouth.

[00:27:48] Can you go to hamburger hamlet?

[00:27:49] Yeah.

[00:27:50] That takes you out for a good time.

[00:27:52] You're dead.

[00:27:53] You're dead.

[00:27:54] Kiss you on the lips growing up?

[00:27:55] No.

[00:27:56] My dad, my dad kissed me on the lips.

[00:27:57] Yeah.

[00:27:58] Growing up and then I remember being like, all right, when did that stop?

[00:28:03] I don't know.

[00:28:04] He used to like yell at me like about like hustle and baseball

[00:28:06] practice and then kissed me on the lips.

[00:28:08] You're like, all right, I get out there.

[00:28:11] Did your dad make you like hold his penis to show you how to like hold your own while

[00:28:16] pissing?

[00:28:17] Yeah.

[00:28:18] Of course.

[00:28:19] Yeah.

[00:28:20] Yeah.

[00:28:21] Of course.

[00:28:22] Yeah.

[00:28:23] Of course.

[00:28:24] Like the bridge of my nose.

[00:28:25] My dad used to say, you put it on the top of my head.

[00:28:26] He made me a hand-take bunny picture.

[00:28:29] I had the balance that already hit me.

[00:28:30] Oh, my dad would rest his, uh, chowed on my head like a turd.

[00:28:35] Of course.

[00:28:36] Yeah.

[00:28:37] I mean, that's, that's like, that's like a.

[00:28:38] I would practice.

[00:28:39] He would fuck me in the ass and make me push his dick out with my muscles.

[00:28:43] It really helped.

[00:28:44] I'm really good at shitting.

[00:28:45] You know, it's true.

[00:28:48] Some people never learn.

[00:28:49] It's like the old saying goes, you can't ride the bike.

[00:28:53] Stop putting those training wheels in your ass.

[00:28:56] Yeah.

[00:28:57] It's true.

[00:28:58] Oh, man, that's a really good old saying.

[00:29:01] Who was that?

[00:29:02] Williams words worth.

[00:29:03] It was William Henry Fuckelson Henry, William Henry Harrison, the president.

[00:29:08] No, William Henry Fuckelson.

[00:29:09] I found out recently how that guy died.

[00:29:11] You know, it was in the morning for 30 days.

[00:29:13] No, no, no.

[00:29:14] Yeah, he was given a speech too long and he got sick like a dumb bitch.

[00:29:18] There was no sewage in Washington, D.C.

[00:29:21] Really?

[00:29:22] Uh, really?

[00:29:23] Cause I thought that's what Congress was.

[00:29:25] No, nothing but shit in Congress.

[00:29:28] No, he died from typhoid fever, I think.

[00:29:31] Ah, dude, he didn't have a coat on and he fucking gave a speech.

[00:29:34] He talked about like taxes and shit for 45 minutes.

[00:29:38] And then he fucking or killing Indians.

[00:29:40] I don't know what political thing is.

[00:29:41] I heard that it was like two blocks from the basically the White House was like my favorite

[00:29:46] story.

[00:29:47] Basically, basically a lot of raw sewage and he got typhoid fever from it.

[00:29:51] It died 30 days after being inaugurated.

[00:29:54] My favorite is the story about Teddy Roosevelt where he got shot on the way to deliver some

[00:29:58] any threats to that.

[00:29:59] No, he got shot on the way to give the speech and he like walks up to the podium at the

[00:30:04] place and he's like, my friends.

[00:30:07] It is not a lie when I tell you that I adjust to have been shot.

[00:30:11] And I come to you today and everyone's like, go to the hospital.

[00:30:14] He fucking idiot.

[00:30:15] Wait, he got shot on the way and then at different time he got shot during the speech.

[00:30:19] Didn't he get shot during a speech?

[00:30:21] And he like checked his mouth for blood or whatever and they just kept it rolling?

[00:30:24] I'm pretty sure there was one where he was on the way to the speech.

[00:30:27] This is from some Ken Burns thing I watched.

[00:30:29] Actually, you know what, it might have been Rick Burns.

[00:30:30] There was one of the PBS Teddy Roosevelt things.

[00:30:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:30:34] Boob Lake Ken Burns.

[00:30:35] That's such bullshit.

[00:30:37] Yeah, Ed Burns.

[00:30:38] Yeah, yeah.

[00:30:39] Yeah, yeah.

[00:30:40] There's that George Burns.

[00:30:41] Somebody had a tweet one time about Ed Burns.

[00:30:44] It was like Ed Burns is, I think it was Howard Greymary wrote, Ed Burns is like, is like

[00:30:51] a Woody Allen movie was written by a construction worker.

[00:30:54] It's all his movies.

[00:30:57] That's really good.

[00:30:58] Yeah, that's perfect.

[00:30:59] Yeah.

[00:31:00] No, but hold on.

[00:31:01] Wait a second though, if William Henry Fuckelson died because of Ross Sous or whatever, weren't

[00:31:06] a bunch of people watching his fucking speech?

[00:31:09] I think other people died.

[00:31:10] Like it is administrative.

[00:31:12] I gotta look it up.

[00:31:13] I read it like two days ago.

[00:31:15] Yo, what is that?

[00:31:16] Is that bamboo?

[00:31:17] I don't know.

[00:31:18] It's not, I don't think that's something you eat though.

[00:31:19] It looks weird.

[00:31:20] Yeah.

[00:31:21] Oh, yeah, that's lemongrass.

[00:31:22] You're not supposed to eat that.

[00:31:23] Why the fuck is that in here?

[00:31:25] For flavors.

[00:31:26] For flavor, dude.

[00:31:27] Why it's still in there.

[00:31:28] I got a piece of a fucking lampshade in my mouth.

[00:31:31] Yeah, that's what it's been before.

[00:31:34] You fucking, see, if you motherfuckers were worldly like me, if you had beaten off the

[00:31:38] fucking hand tie, you would have known not to put lemongrass in your mouth.

[00:31:41] Dude, so I've just put a top hat and a monocle on.

[00:31:43] He pulled up some hand tie.

[00:31:45] He got his, nice, his hand, nice and greasy.

[00:31:49] Oh yeah, dude.

[00:31:51] I beat off with peanut oil.

[00:31:54] Fries better.

[00:31:55] I wish I could come like Jack in the box style.

[00:31:58] Like I don't get to choose, you know.

[00:32:00] When I got to go.

[00:32:01] Well, it's at the end of the song.

[00:32:03] That's kind of how I come.

[00:32:06] I had a, I beat off yesterday and it was like, I felt nothing.

[00:32:09] It was just like, just, just escaped my body.

[00:32:13] You didn't have like an orgasm?

[00:32:14] I mean, I sorta did, but I wasn't that it.

[00:32:17] You know what I mean?

[00:32:18] It was like, I was just kind of beating off the way you like, start a car that's been

[00:32:22] in the garage for a while.

[00:32:24] Yeah.

[00:32:25] I was just checking to see if it fucking still works.

[00:32:27] It's the weather.

[00:32:28] It's like the time of year.

[00:32:29] I'm in a kind of a low T low low.

[00:32:33] I mean, I'm always high T.

[00:32:35] No, you're low T.

[00:32:36] No, you're low T.

[00:32:37] You take shots.

[00:32:38] Stronger than both of you.

[00:32:39] You're not stronger.

[00:32:40] You're stronger than both of us because you take steroids.

[00:32:43] But it's not.

[00:32:44] Yeah, that's because you have low T.

[00:32:46] Yeah, you're actually hairless and you need testosterone.

[00:32:49] I'm not trying to burn that strong.

[00:32:50] I've been abundant to air and it's a problem.

[00:32:52] Yeah, because of all the illegal testosterone you take.

[00:32:54] I'm smooth as fuck though.

[00:32:56] Have you actually smoothed to?

[00:32:58] I'm pretty sure.

[00:32:59] I barely have chest hair.

[00:33:01] I have no chest hair.

[00:33:02] You are actually much smoother than me.

[00:33:03] You're fucking a little twink, dude.

[00:33:04] Yeah.

[00:33:05] Oh, 100%.

[00:33:06] It's weird that I have like, I have a J.

[00:33:08] I have a really shitty beard, but I'm the only one of us that can grow one.

[00:33:11] I mean, I choose not to kind of like my hair.

[00:33:13] I choose not to grow down.

[00:33:14] It's weird that if I was gay, I'd be the girl kind.

[00:33:17] You know?

[00:33:18] It's not weird.

[00:33:19] It's so true that you are.

[00:33:20] But like, because I'm straight, you're basically the girl.

[00:33:23] I fuck.

[00:33:24] You're the girl.

[00:33:25] You're the kind of a straight guy.

[00:33:26] Yeah.

[00:33:27] You're the girl kind.

[00:33:28] Shut the fuck off.

[00:33:30] As far as straight men go, you are as girly as it gets.

[00:33:33] What do you mean girly?

[00:33:34] Yeah, these fucking nice plump lips.

[00:33:35] I would fuck you, dude.

[00:33:37] You're smooth as hell.

[00:33:38] But that's just my appearance.

[00:33:39] That's not like my macho.

[00:33:40] You have the same entitlement to space that a woman does.

[00:33:42] Yeah.

[00:33:43] Look at how your body's positioned right now.

[00:33:44] You're woman spreading right now, dude.

[00:33:45] I'm sick right now.

[00:33:46] I'm sick.

[00:33:47] I have cramps.

[00:33:48] You carry yourself.

[00:33:49] You carry yourself in a feminine way.

[00:33:51] You do.

[00:33:52] You cross your legs like a woman.

[00:33:53] You expect people to hold doors for you.

[00:33:55] No, I don't say you do.

[00:33:57] Don't stop these lines.

[00:33:59] On the subway, you glared people when they don't give up your seat.

[00:34:01] You're fucking the way you extend your hand.

[00:34:03] They're going to put this on the red.

[00:34:04] When you extend your hand for a handshake, you do it in this fey way where you want them

[00:34:08] to take it and kiss it.

[00:34:10] That's not true at all.

[00:34:12] I see you curtsy all the time.

[00:34:14] I do curtsy.

[00:34:15] You're always curtsy.

[00:34:16] I curtsy, but that says a bit, dude.

[00:34:19] That says a hilarious bit.

[00:34:20] Everyone loves my curtsy.

[00:34:21] Do you remember how they taught girls at a curtsy in elementary school?

[00:34:24] I don't.

[00:34:25] I remember them doing that.

[00:34:26] They're like, well, boys, bow, and women have to curtsy.

[00:34:28] Damn.

[00:34:29] We're never going to use this.

[00:34:30] We really were the last generation of so much dumb, like cursive.

[00:34:34] What is curtsy?

[00:34:35] What's a curtilian?

[00:34:36] What's a curtilian?

[00:34:37] A curtilian is like a fucking...

[00:34:39] It's a debut.

[00:34:40] It's a white person's kinsengira.

[00:34:41] Is that what it is?

[00:34:42] I think so.

[00:34:43] It's where they teach white girls how to curtsy and stuff like that.

[00:34:48] Keep...

[00:34:49] It's big in the south.

[00:34:50] I don't know if it's big anywhere anymore.

[00:34:52] I think it's some old shit, dude.

[00:34:54] I don't think anyone's doing that shit anymore.

[00:34:56] When's the last time you...

[00:34:57] Do you want to be a kinsengira?

[00:34:58] I had a bemitzvah, so I had a lurd, had a curtsy.

[00:35:01] I had a lurd, had to do all that stuff, too, by makeup.

[00:35:03] I want to become a bar mitzvah DJ.

[00:35:05] Now I know about audio equipment.

[00:35:06] That's my dream.

[00:35:07] Oh, dude, if you get like a DJ...

[00:35:09] Cool Eric.

[00:35:10] If you get a good South...

[00:35:12] Bar mitzvah.

[00:35:13] How many bar mitzvahs you bit to?

[00:35:17] How many bar mitzvahs you bit to?

[00:35:19] I probably like 10.

[00:35:22] I've been to three.

[00:35:23] That's a good amount.

[00:35:24] I've been to three.

[00:35:25] Yeah.

[00:35:26] Did you freak dance?

[00:35:27] Did you guys ever freak dance at a bar mitzvah?

[00:35:29] It happened.

[00:35:30] I saw it.

[00:35:31] I've never danced with anybody in my life.

[00:35:33] Oh, I've freaked dance.

[00:35:34] You've never danced?

[00:35:35] I've never danced.

[00:35:36] I've been to more bar mitzvahs than I've danced.

[00:35:39] I've been to dance with a boy.

[00:35:41] I've danced with your fucking lips, bitch.

[00:35:43] That's what I've fucking danced with.

[00:35:45] What was that a dance?

[00:35:46] I'll give you a four knuckle shuffle right across your fucking lips.

[00:35:48] Dude, you need to learn how to dance if you're going to make it in this industry.

[00:35:52] You need to have all the threats you got to see.

[00:35:55] Act, comedy, fuck, fuck, and dance.

[00:36:00] Sing act, dance, fucking dance.

[00:36:02] Yeah.

[00:36:03] And dance and laugh and love.

[00:36:05] That's not as funny as you look back at it.

[00:36:08] So funny about the pre-method era of Hollywood acting.

[00:36:14] Before like Brando came along and people were like, oh, you just act like a person.

[00:36:19] You know, just don't fuck up the lines, you know, rely on the script, but don't, you

[00:36:23] know, act like a person.

[00:36:24] But you know, prior to that, it was everybody like, can't you tell?

[00:36:27] I love you.

[00:36:28] I'm telling you.

[00:36:29] I love you.

[00:36:30] No, that's why we're here with theatrical bullshit.

[00:36:32] Yeah.

[00:36:33] But at the same time, like all those guys that are sort of not talented as actors in a contemporary

[00:36:39] sense are like, you know, there's like a movie where like Fred James, but James Cagney is

[00:36:46] tap dancing downstairs.

[00:36:48] Yeah, it's so crazy.

[00:36:49] And a continuous shot.

[00:36:51] And he just sort of like throws in and is like, I would never ever be able to die.

[00:36:55] Oh, you know, he just sort of does it easily.

[00:36:57] You know how much Ellie to like to see how fucking talented Gene Kelly was.

[00:37:01] Unreal.

[00:37:02] Yeah, dance, singing and dancing while roller skating.

[00:37:05] Then inside.

[00:37:06] With a cartoon.

[00:37:07] Yeah.

[00:37:08] And what's funny too is it would be like guys that got back from like World War II that

[00:37:12] did it.

[00:37:13] They were like, they're like, harden killers killing us.

[00:37:15] Yeah.

[00:37:16] Well, I've never been in love like I have in the street.

[00:37:20] I don't know.

[00:37:21] I'm playing.

[00:37:22] He's got tights on.

[00:37:24] I think I can rip your head off, dude.

[00:37:26] You put a bayonet through your fucking liver and I think twice about it.

[00:37:29] Dude, in that it's like, it's pretty good and pretty bad.

[00:37:32] It would be so funny to see like how much more talented those guys are than like Jonah

[00:37:37] Hill.

[00:37:38] I don't think you imagine Jonah Hill trying to tap dance.

[00:37:40] I imagine Jonah Hill trying to go on a diet.

[00:37:42] Yeah.

[00:37:43] I don't know how gracefully he'd do that.

[00:37:46] He was skinny for a second.

[00:37:47] Remember how big his head looked?

[00:37:48] Yeah, I know.

[00:37:49] And then the girl from Hyam broke up with him and they got super fat.

[00:37:53] What's Hyam?

[00:37:54] Hyam?

[00:37:55] What's that?

[00:37:56] Some secret juicer?

[00:37:57] Hyam?

[00:37:58] Oh, Heyam.

[00:37:59] He used to fuck the girl from Heyam.

[00:38:00] One of them.

[00:38:01] Nice, dude.

[00:38:02] Yeah, but then she broke up with them and then he got fat as shit.

[00:38:04] Dude, I've seen Andy Millinoxes girlfriend.

[00:38:06] No.

[00:38:07] Brandon?

[00:38:08] Yeah.

[00:38:09] Well, you post that picture of Andy Millinoxes and I'm like, I get that he has a disease,

[00:38:12] but doesn't he?

[00:38:13] Shouldn't he age some?

[00:38:14] I know.

[00:38:15] He's crazy.

[00:38:16] He's still looking for the same team.

[00:38:17] He looks 14.

[00:38:18] Yeah.

[00:38:19] As beyond like a growth deficiency at this point, he's just fucking, is it a disease?

[00:38:22] What is it?

[00:38:23] Some kind of one.

[00:38:24] Yeah, he has growth hormone deficiency, which you would think later in life would prevent

[00:38:28] him from keeping his, you know, the elasticity of his skin, who would probably make you age

[00:38:32] faster after a certain point, or I would assume.

[00:38:34] Uh huh.

[00:38:35] You know, because you don't have the hormones to keep you looking youthful.

[00:38:39] Is that, I don't know, that sounds, he looks like kind of like a, oh, he's on dumb.

[00:38:45] Whatever.

[00:38:46] He's like a child, dude.

[00:38:47] He's like a reverse Jack, dude.

[00:38:49] He has a fine ass girlfriend.

[00:38:51] Um, well, when you type in any celebrity's name, it says girlfriend's.

[00:38:55] They clicked on girlfriend.

[00:38:56] There's pictures of him with some hot woman.

[00:38:58] Nice.

[00:38:59] He's got a hot girlfriend.

[00:39:00] Probably.

[00:39:01] He's got, he's caked up, right?

[00:39:02] I guess.

[00:39:03] He's got money.

[00:39:04] Who knows?

[00:39:05] Andy Millinoxes show residuals, dude.

[00:39:06] Andy Millinoxes show is hilarious.

[00:39:07] He's really good.

[00:39:08] I really get any kind of success until he was like 27, 28.

[00:39:13] And I think it was because like people started seeing his videos and they're like, wow,

[00:39:16] this 12 year old's hilarious.

[00:39:17] Right, right.

[00:39:18] It was a grown man.

[00:39:19] It's like weed pussy.

[00:39:21] Yeah.

[00:39:22] Weed pussy.

[00:39:23] Snackbacks.

[00:39:24] That's my shit.

[00:39:25] Yeah.

[00:39:26] He's like, wow, he's actually, he's kind of precocious for a four year old boy.

[00:39:31] And he's like, yeah, I was born in 1967.

[00:39:35] I canvassed for Ronald Reagan.

[00:39:37] He's a good rapper.

[00:39:39] Yeah.

[00:39:40] Andy Millinoxes.

[00:39:41] He actually is.

[00:39:42] But definitely I thought he was 11 years old when I got there.

[00:39:45] He was the man show boy.

[00:39:46] Yeah.

[00:39:47] No.

[00:39:48] He went to the same high school as my cousin.

[00:39:49] I think so.

[00:39:50] Wasn't he the kid that they said?

[00:39:51] No, they had a different boy.

[00:39:53] But I think the man show, the man show did like help him out.

[00:39:56] But I don't think he was the man show boy because I remember there was another kid that

[00:40:02] was actually a boy.

[00:40:03] Well, maybe that was hilarious.

[00:40:04] Yeah.

[00:40:05] Where they had the kid.

[00:40:06] And women's suffrage.

[00:40:07] Yeah.

[00:40:08] Yeah.

[00:40:09] He's like, you guys were given away free beer to end women's suffrage or there was someone

[00:40:12] where they're given out free beer.

[00:40:13] I remember there's two adult men that come out to him.

[00:40:15] He's like, are you sure you guys can even drink?

[00:40:17] You don't even look like you have pubes.

[00:40:18] I'm a 10 year old boy.

[00:40:21] Yeah.

[00:40:22] We can watch out to that girl.

[00:40:24] He's like, hey, big red does the curtain match the dreams?

[00:40:29] Yeah.

[00:40:30] So good.

[00:40:31] Yeah.

[00:40:32] They said him to buy beer.

[00:40:33] I'm glad he's never going to die.

[00:40:35] All right, D.

[00:40:36] All right, P white man culture.

[00:40:37] That was our dream guys.

[00:40:39] They really sold the man show, the white man show.

[00:40:42] Absolutely.

[00:40:43] Yeah.

[00:40:44] Coming up next on the man show, black people.

[00:40:50] Should we be able to shoot him?

[00:40:52] Because we're man is Corona like have.

[00:40:55] Does he have weird politics?

[00:40:57] Yeah, he does.

[00:40:58] Yeah.

[00:40:59] Yeah, dude, it broke my heart.

[00:41:00] I used to love love.

[00:41:01] Love.

[00:41:02] Love.

[00:41:03] I mean, too.

[00:41:04] And I remember in college, I would start I started listening to like that.

[00:41:05] I'm called a podcast and I was like, Oh, this is fun.

[00:41:07] And then he's just I remember I was like a sophomore in college, maybe a junior and

[00:41:10] I remember being in my dorm and him going on a rant about welfare queens.

[00:41:15] And I was like, Oh, God damn it.

[00:41:17] Just talking about because I guess his his family was poor or some shit.

[00:41:22] That happens a lot where people just like if they were poor and they got out of it,

[00:41:26] they think everyone who's poor is lazy, you know, but he's that was like a psyche.

[00:41:31] I don't know.

[00:41:32] The point is it just breaks my heart that he's like a libertarian weird hates sort of

[00:41:35] semi racist type of motherfucker.

[00:41:37] I'm sure a lot of our listeners.

[00:41:40] Like like him probably.

[00:41:42] I mean, he's funny, but that's why I'm not saying anything because then we get in these

[00:41:46] podcast wars and yeah, fucking Nick Mullen.

[00:41:48] I'm like, I didn't say shit.

[00:41:50] I mean, I love here.

[00:41:51] I didn't say I'm I'm I'm the peacekeeper of the show.

[00:41:54] I don't know.

[00:41:55] You know, I treat everybody fairly.

[00:41:57] If you're a Nazi and you want to exterminate the black race, it's none of my business.

[00:42:02] You know, I feel that you're about that.

[00:42:05] I don't think you should do that.

[00:42:06] If you're a trans person, it's my job to insult you ironically.

[00:42:11] And that's how you have a fair stance.

[00:42:13] I think if you want to do comedy fairly, you punch equally in every direction left, right

[00:42:20] down gay, like a Tasmanian devil type of punch.

[00:42:24] Yeah, just spin and hit every lateral and downward direction.

[00:42:28] Yeah, not really up so much.

[00:42:30] Well, that's who punches up.

[00:42:31] No, yeah, like John Oliver.

[00:42:33] Yeah.

[00:42:34] I think that's look cool though.

[00:42:37] Yeah, they are in street fighter and Mortal Kombat when you do the fucking get over here.

[00:42:42] Yeah.

[00:42:43] Oh, scorpion.

[00:42:44] Oh, yeah.

[00:42:45] Get over here.

[00:42:46] Well, you do the get over here and then you upper caught him.

[00:42:48] Yeah.

[00:42:49] Well, who is your guy's guy on Mortal Kombat?

[00:42:51] Was it scorpion?

[00:42:52] I like scorpion for sure, dude.

[00:42:54] I like sub zero for fucking sure.

[00:42:56] Raiden's pretty tight.

[00:42:58] Raiden school Christopher Lambert.

[00:43:00] Big shout out.

[00:43:01] He got me banned from Facebook.

[00:43:03] I'm posting his goals.

[00:43:05] Right.

[00:43:06] I'm posting Raiden's.

[00:43:07] Wait, did he play Raiden?

[00:43:08] Yeah.

[00:43:09] I didn't know.

[00:43:10] The first Mortal Kombat movie wasn't bad.

[00:43:11] The second Mortal Kombat movie is one of the biggest pieces of shit.

[00:43:14] I think maybe my...

[00:43:15] My $600 sunglasses asshole.

[00:43:17] I think that was the second word.

[00:43:18] That was the first movie.

[00:43:19] That was the first one.

[00:43:20] Oh, yeah.

[00:43:21] But I remember that line being so cool.

[00:43:22] Johnny Cage.

[00:43:23] Johnny Cage.

[00:43:24] He was cool, but he sucked as a character.

[00:43:26] Like he sucked a fight with actually.

[00:43:27] Oh, wait.

[00:43:28] Who's the guy who's the guy who's got a gun or is that street fighter?

[00:43:32] No, no, no.

[00:43:33] Jax?

[00:43:34] Was Jax?

[00:43:35] Jax is street fighter.

[00:43:36] Jax is street fighter.

[00:43:37] No, no, no.

[00:43:38] He's a Mortal Kombat.

[00:43:39] Yeah, yeah.

[00:43:40] Yeah, like all rock was street fighter.

[00:43:41] Yeah.

[00:43:42] Yeah.

[00:43:43] I didn't play it.

[00:43:44] Yeah, I didn't play that much.

[00:43:45] You know what games underrated?

[00:43:46] Killer Instinct.

[00:43:47] I don't know that one.

[00:43:48] I don't know what it is.

[00:43:49] Yeah, it was a rarest fighting game.

[00:43:51] Super Nintendo.

[00:43:53] Who was in it?

[00:43:54] I mean, it's like a guy made out of fire or a person who recognized.

[00:43:59] Well, Tekken was tight.

[00:44:00] Oh, also dead or alive.

[00:44:02] They had those big, juicy fucking titties.

[00:44:03] Yeah, I remember the Xbox game out and they had like dead or alive.

[00:44:06] And then it's like, you know, it's like it's a fighting game, but you can jack off to

[00:44:09] it.

[00:44:10] And then they had dead or alive beach volleyball.

[00:44:12] The volleyball.

[00:44:13] Yeah, yeah.

[00:44:14] It's just jack off to it.

[00:44:15] Yeah.

[00:44:16] Well, they also had some game that was like BMXX, do you remember that?

[00:44:20] No, don't.

[00:44:21] It was like, it was a BM.

[00:44:22] It was like, you know, like a Dave Mirror game, but it was like the women were naked.

[00:44:26] So you can jack off to it.

[00:44:28] Yeah.

[00:44:29] Devli talks about lower craft naked on the pod before you.

[00:44:31] Yeah.

[00:44:32] I pulled up a picture online of what the cheat looked like.

[00:44:34] Just conical ass titties.

[00:44:36] I can't believe some of it jacked off to that.

[00:44:38] So many kids must have jacked off to that.

[00:44:40] 100%

[00:44:41] Those like four pixels of tit.

[00:44:43] No, I didn't because I was already deep into hentai at that point.

[00:44:48] But I did jack off to, you know, it's a funny story of the Lara Croft Tomb Raider movie

[00:44:53] where you can see side boob eventually.

[00:44:54] The story about the guy getting arrested for smuggling Simpsons porn into Canada.

[00:44:59] What?

[00:45:00] Hey, I heard about this.

[00:45:01] This guy went on vacation to Canada and he brought Simpsons porn.

[00:45:04] Wait, this is, yeah, I remember that.

[00:45:06] And he got caught.

[00:45:08] It's like, you know, you could, I could draw Simpsons porn very fucking easily.

[00:45:14] Oh my God.

[00:45:15] Who, who beats, I mean, that is crazy.

[00:45:18] Yeah.

[00:45:19] Imagine beating off.

[00:45:20] I mean, I hope, who do you think he was beating off to?

[00:45:22] Marge Flanders wife?

[00:45:23] She was pretty hot before she died.

[00:45:24] That's what I hope the next, you know, it's so funny is like, they, Hollywood still continues

[00:45:29] to try to make like weed movies, even though it's like legal in most states and nobody

[00:45:33] gives a shit about it anymore.

[00:45:35] You know, there should like that war dogs.

[00:45:37] Well, I guess that's about like government contractors.

[00:45:40] And they're like, that's about gun running.

[00:45:41] Gun running.

[00:45:42] Yeah, but they should make a movie that's like Jonah Hill and James Franco as guys that

[00:45:48] have to smuggle Simpsons porn into Canada.

[00:45:53] I would watch that movie.

[00:45:55] Jonah Hill's just like, you know, I just love jackin off.

[00:45:59] If jackin off is the new weed, you know, dude.

[00:46:02] Yeah, dude.

[00:46:03] Now that's, and you can only jack off to Simpsons porn.

[00:46:05] What, why?

[00:46:06] I don't fucking know.

[00:46:08] I don't even really think about it.

[00:46:10] I'm full of yellow curry now.

[00:46:12] I'm mad.

[00:46:13] I accidentally ate that lemon grass.

[00:46:14] Dude, that was ours ago.

[00:46:15] You're fine.

[00:46:16] Yeah.

[00:46:17] If you had to fuck one Simpsons character, who would it be?

[00:46:20] Barney is Marge.

[00:46:21] Barney is drunk and dressed up as Marge.

[00:46:24] Well, I'm off to market.

[00:46:28] No way.

[00:46:29] I was like fucking, I love that clip where he's arguing with Lisa and they're showing

[00:46:34] on the tape.

[00:46:35] He's like, is that what I'm like when I'm drunk?

[00:46:37] And they're like, oh no, that's a stage we like to call Professor Barney.

[00:46:42] Here's you and your drunk.

[00:46:45] You know what's so funny is they destroyed that character who was such a great character.

[00:46:49] Barney by making him sober.

[00:46:50] Yeah, they sober him.

[00:46:51] They got him sober.

[00:46:52] Yeah, that's the episode where he gets sober.

[00:46:54] Oh, really?

[00:46:55] That's fucked up.

[00:46:56] When did that happen?

[00:46:57] How deep into the run?

[00:46:58] I don't know.

[00:46:59] But I'm pretty sure that's the episode where Barney gets sober.

[00:47:02] And it's like such a funny joke.

[00:47:04] Yeah, yeah.

[00:47:05] He's drunk.

[00:47:06] Well, I'm off to market.

[00:47:09] Yeah.

[00:47:11] Barney was good as hell, dude.

[00:47:12] Yeah.

[00:47:13] I guess if I had to fuck anyone to answer my own question, maybe young Marge.

[00:47:19] A poo's wife.

[00:47:20] A poo's wife is a bad bitch.

[00:47:22] Fire.

[00:47:23] Yeah.

[00:47:24] Also the girl.

[00:47:25] Of course, it's your pick.

[00:47:26] Why?

[00:47:27] Well, she's Asian.

[00:47:28] South Asian.

[00:47:29] South Asian.

[00:47:30] That barely counts.

[00:47:31] I hate it when they make that distinction.

[00:47:32] Oh, what?

[00:47:33] Like, I'm not Asian.

[00:47:34] It's like, you know what I fucking meant.

[00:47:36] Come on, dude.

[00:47:37] Come on.

[00:47:38] They get mad for not being a situation.

[00:47:40] Yeah, which is like, there's no way you're actually mad about that shit.

[00:47:43] You looked, they looked different.

[00:47:44] It's a continent.

[00:47:45] It's the most arbitrary fucking way of making it.

[00:47:49] First of all, it's not even about people.

[00:47:51] We never split up continents by race.

[00:47:53] It's land masses.

[00:47:54] It's making an easy way for children to understand the different parts.

[00:47:57] It's the globe.

[00:47:58] It's a very abstract way.

[00:48:00] It's not like there's a fucking, I mean, there might be, but it's not like there's an

[00:48:03] Asian identity as a continent that it offends you so greatly.

[00:48:08] It's not cultural erasure.

[00:48:09] It's just, well, you know, Asians, but you know what I mean.

[00:48:14] Yeah, no, it's from Pakistan to North Korea.

[00:48:18] We in Sweden, boys.

[00:48:20] Yeah.

[00:48:21] Yeah, of course.

[00:48:23] You wouldn't call a fucking Siberian an Asian.

[00:48:28] Well, it's like if I said, if I said like, if I said Americans to refer to people from

[00:48:33] Chile, I mean, technically that's right.

[00:48:35] That is South America, you know, but if you're like, well, Americans are all fat.

[00:48:40] Let's say this.

[00:48:41] If anything guy goes, well, Americans are all fat.

[00:48:43] And I'm like, I don't think people from Peru are fat.

[00:48:45] You go, well, you know what I mean.

[00:48:47] I'm like, that's extremely offensive.

[00:48:49] South Americans, he could say North Americans.

[00:48:51] It didn't say North Americans if they said Americans, people say Americans in the general

[00:48:55] of America is America is a country.

[00:48:57] It's the United States of America.

[00:48:58] Yeah.

[00:48:59] So you'd have to say this is the kind of bullshit.

[00:49:02] It's American American, you know, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:49:06] No, I definitely an Indian person just it's like, yeah, we all know what Asian means.

[00:49:12] Like, although it must be annoying when people call the many who doesn't do that.

[00:49:17] Russians.

[00:49:18] Russians don't get fucking upset.

[00:49:19] What do you mean?

[00:49:21] Or your notation?

[00:49:22] Well, no, that's why I just said, yeah.

[00:49:26] Yeah, I know, but still you're not going to, they're not going to get offended by it because

[00:49:30] they're fucked up.

[00:49:31] They're drunk.

[00:49:32] Yeah, that's true.

[00:49:33] They're trying to be on America or whatever.

[00:49:35] After 9 11, a lot of South Asians got a lot of shit for terrorism.

[00:49:39] Yeah, that's what that's what must be annoying is them getting called Middle Eastern because

[00:49:43] they're not that either.

[00:49:45] That should fuck.

[00:49:46] You know, I'm again, as a worldly man, I know the difference.

[00:49:49] I'm like you guys.

[00:49:51] Yeah, I'm just see Scott.

[00:49:53] Man, it must suck to be fucking sick.

[00:49:55] Yeah, I know.

[00:49:56] It's been like 10 million years fighting Islamic extremists.

[00:50:01] And then they do 9 11 and then Americans are like, we got to get these seats.

[00:50:08] Yeah, seats just look like boss Muslims.

[00:50:11] Because with them.

[00:50:12] Yeah, yeah.

[00:50:13] It's that boss.

[00:50:14] Goro of.

[00:50:15] Yeah.

[00:50:16] I told you about that kid that seat kid that I went to college with that that used to always

[00:50:23] like whenever I'd see him going going walking around campus, he'd have a gym bag on.

[00:50:28] He'd be going to or from the basketball courts.

[00:50:31] And I would play like pick up a little bit at, you know, at the gym.

[00:50:36] And he went on on the court.

[00:50:38] He went by Cadillac.

[00:50:39] Hell yes.

[00:50:41] And he had one tattoo and it was just an outline of a basketball with an outline of

[00:50:46] fire coming out.

[00:50:47] It was like the shootiest tattoo.

[00:50:49] Yes.

[00:50:50] So, uh, Gee, it's the Cadillac logo.

[00:50:51] They changed it.

[00:50:52] Yeah.

[00:50:53] So junior year, Cadillac Monty registered for the NBA draft and then ESPN came out to the

[00:51:01] school to interview and they're like, well, Monty, you're not on your college's basketball

[00:51:05] team.

[00:51:06] Oh, wait, I think I saw that video.

[00:51:07] Yeah.

[00:51:08] Yeah.

[00:51:09] Yeah.

[00:51:10] And he was like, yeah, I'm, I'm declared for the draft.

[00:51:13] I don't care, man.

[00:51:15] Like I'm trying to make it to the big.

[00:51:17] I hope he got drafted.

[00:51:19] No, he did not get drafted.

[00:51:20] Does he play?

[00:51:21] Does he play drafted?

[00:51:23] He loved basketball.

[00:51:24] The props that I got.

[00:51:25] MLB and really?

[00:51:27] Yeah.

[00:51:28] Where you put a triple crown?

[00:51:30] Where?

[00:51:31] You got triple crown, highest batting average, RBIs and home runs.

[00:51:36] Whoa.

[00:51:37] He got it.

[00:51:38] Then the NFL too.

[00:51:39] I have three Olympic gold medals.

[00:51:40] I have three rebounds, winter and summer.

[00:51:42] And then also the spring Olympics, which is only the best athletes are invited to.

[00:51:45] I didn't even know about that.

[00:51:46] But it's every three years.

[00:51:48] That's great.

[00:51:49] Yeah.

[00:51:50] Can I go?

[00:51:51] The sports are like, you know, shuffleboard and brunch.

[00:51:53] Oh, I like that.

[00:51:55] I could do that.

[00:51:56] Helping people move.

[00:51:58] Interesting.

[00:51:59] Um, college graduation.

[00:52:01] Oh, hell yeah.

[00:52:02] Attending or?

[00:52:03] Yeah.

[00:52:04] Easter is one of the sports.

[00:52:05] I could get a full battle.

[00:52:06] Dude, they should make.

[00:52:08] They should have the Olympics for absolute non athletes and stuff like finding chocolate

[00:52:13] in it.

[00:52:14] I always said that, dude, the fucking Olympic champion.

[00:52:16] Well, I'm saying it right now, bitch.

[00:52:18] Hotest girl.

[00:52:19] Best song.

[00:52:20] Yeah.

[00:52:21] Best song.

[00:52:22] Yeah.

[00:52:23] Rosie O'Donnell should host the Olympics.

[00:52:24] Should be the kids choice Olympics.

[00:52:25] What if the Olympics at the end of the Olympics, every country would like come up with their

[00:52:28] best songwriters, best artists, and they have like a song competition.

[00:52:32] You're a fan of that shit.

[00:52:34] You're a division.

[00:52:35] Right.

[00:52:36] But for the whole world.

[00:52:37] Alan, Tim Allen won like the kids choice award for like best male comedian like two

[00:52:43] or three years ago.

[00:52:44] What?

[00:52:45] Yeah.

[00:52:46] And it's like, let's stop pretending like children are involved in this.

[00:52:48] Yeah.

[00:52:49] At all.

[00:52:50] Tim Allen.

[00:52:51] No, it didn't.

[00:52:52] Two or three years.

[00:52:53] The kids choice award favorite comedian, Mort Saul.

[00:52:56] Yeah.

[00:52:57] It would just be someone on green.

[00:52:59] Yeah.

[00:53:00] It would be Cameron Dallas, honestly.

[00:53:01] Yeah.

[00:53:02] That'd be the kids choice favorite comedian.

[00:53:03] Cameron Dallas Buyers Club.

[00:53:05] I love it.

[00:53:06] Dude, I checked out some of those vids.

[00:53:08] He's really funny.

[00:53:09] Yeah.

[00:53:10] He's definitely hilarious.

[00:53:11] Well, the best is like that guy, Nat Greer.

[00:53:14] Nat.

[00:53:15] And Nash Greer.

[00:53:16] Yeah.

[00:53:17] Because like, you know, he's just some kid with blue eyes or whatever and set a lips

[00:53:20] on him.

[00:53:21] And he fucking.

[00:53:22] He's got real pouty lips.

[00:53:23] He's like me.

[00:53:24] Yeah.

[00:53:25] Nah, he's cuter than you dude.

[00:53:26] Yeah.

[00:53:27] You're ugly shit.

[00:53:28] I'm quite ugly.

[00:53:29] But yeah, so if you look at his older videos, they're like, you know, like, you know, like,

[00:53:36] you know, him like taping his eyes up like a Chinese person.

[00:53:38] He's like, oh, me, right, he, right, he, Coca-Cola.

[00:53:41] Which he loves.

[00:53:43] He's 14.

[00:53:44] Yeah.

[00:53:45] So it's like, who gives a shit?

[00:53:47] I'm not going to woke shame the kid.

[00:53:49] But it's like, yeah, it's you're going to get into trouble if you fucking get this child

[00:53:54] money.

[00:53:55] Of course.

[00:53:56] Because he's not old enough to say that it's irony.

[00:53:58] No, you know, well, yeah, yeah.

[00:54:00] We have the beautiful loophole.

[00:54:02] You have to be as that kid.

[00:54:04] And then you get older and you're like, oh, yeah, I really shouldn't do all this stuff.

[00:54:07] And then you start doing it again anyways, because it's about the humor.

[00:54:11] Absolutely, you know, you're trying to make a point about freedom of speech.

[00:54:14] That's what this podcast exactly did.

[00:54:16] Yeah.

[00:54:17] You see them?

[00:54:18] Sometimes the first amendment is I'm going to bomb the, you know, the post office.

[00:54:23] And then when they come to say, I'm like, look, there's a book you should read.

[00:54:27] It's called The Constitution.

[00:54:28] Oh, yeah.

[00:54:29] Okay.

[00:54:30] I got it on, you know, I've actually never read it myself, but I have a desktop background

[00:54:36] on my, on my 1998 Toshiba satellite that I still use.

[00:54:41] So I'm not going to use Windows 95 on it.

[00:54:43] And my desktop, it says Mollin Labe.

[00:54:45] And then there's an eagle.

[00:54:47] And that's my understanding of the Constitution.

[00:54:49] It's a picture of an eagle with a flag.

[00:54:52] You know, that shit sucks that they took Molon La Vé.

[00:54:55] That shit's, that's it's some cool Greek shit.

[00:54:57] I don't know.

[00:54:58] Well, it's from 300.

[00:54:59] Well, yeah, but yeah, yeah, they, they, they put it in the movie 300.

[00:55:03] Yeah, exactly.

[00:55:04] They wrote it.

[00:55:05] Gerard, Gerard Butler wrote that.

[00:55:06] Gerard Butler.

[00:55:07] Well, Greek stole a lot of their shit from the movie 300.

[00:55:09] That's true.

[00:55:10] I don't have cartoon Hercules.

[00:55:11] They copied, they copied a shit ton from that.

[00:55:15] Fuck man, I was so mad about how inaccurate Hercules was when I was little.

[00:55:19] Oh yeah.

[00:55:20] Wasn't like it really happened?

[00:55:21] Like the real Hercules.

[00:55:22] The real mythology, bitch.

[00:55:23] It's a real fucking thing, you know.

[00:55:24] Yeah, the real Hercules, he's the son of Hera and Zeus.

[00:55:28] No, no, no.

[00:55:29] And Zeus cheats on Hera.

[00:55:31] Yeah, yeah, and Hera doesn't fuck with him because Zeus, cause Zeus is a constant reminder

[00:55:35] of the side as bitch that Zeus gets.

[00:55:37] Yeah, right.

[00:55:38] And Hercules' mom was a dog.

[00:55:41] No, she was sexy.

[00:55:42] She had big shoes.

[00:55:43] She's a holly.

[00:55:44] Zeus was the dog that fucked.

[00:55:46] Yeah.

[00:55:47] And by the way, by the way, the Greek stole all that shit from the Egyptians anyways.

[00:55:54] Nah, take, take that back dude.

[00:55:56] There's no truth to that.

[00:55:58] The Egyptians came up with dogs fucking people and that's how, that's what God is.

[00:56:03] It was the Jews and the Christians that were like maybe God's a person and it's just one.

[00:56:09] That way we don't have to learn it.

[00:56:10] We were kind of halfway there and we could just use, we could just use the religion to

[00:56:13] control people in the banks.

[00:56:15] Exactly.

[00:56:16] The banks and the media.

[00:56:17] The Jews stole from someone else.

[00:56:18] I don't know who, but so.

[00:56:19] No, Jews were the first monotheist.

[00:56:20] No, we didn't steal the bit.

[00:56:23] Okay.

[00:56:24] Jesus was stolen from like the trash.

[00:56:27] The serastrians, right?

[00:56:29] Well, everyone's got that fucking, that's like such a typical myth of like, you know,

[00:56:34] virgin born fucking son of God type shit.

[00:56:38] That's everywhere.

[00:56:39] Not Hindus.

[00:56:40] They think everything's like a turtle, a cow, turtle like with a bunch of elephants walking

[00:56:43] around on it.

[00:56:45] Or yeah, that guy Goro from Mortal Kombat.

[00:56:48] We brought that up already.

[00:56:50] Goro doesn't that mean fat guy?

[00:56:51] Goro, the guy with four, eight arms.

[00:56:53] You talked about that.

[00:56:54] Yeah, we talked about that.

[00:56:56] That's actually last episode.

[00:56:57] Last episode, yeah.

[00:56:58] Nah dude, Greek mythology is cool though, because all the gods get to just fuck on the side.

[00:57:02] Yeah, it was so funny that like pussy and then you know, we have to have every like, you

[00:57:07] know, people need to have some kind of explanation or an answer for like, where do we come from,

[00:57:12] why are we here or whatever.

[00:57:13] And we have enough science now.

[00:57:14] And what happens when we go?

[00:57:15] It's for like thousands of years.

[00:57:17] They're like, we need the answer.

[00:57:18] Well, let's ask the town liar.

[00:57:21] Yeah, the guy who makes the money is dying.

[00:57:26] He's like, well, all right, so let's just do this like a million, he's a million pounds.

[00:57:33] And these breasts are actually spiders.

[00:57:38] And you know, well the spiders, they shoot webs, this relates come from, this guy's spider

[00:57:45] tip.

[00:57:46] No, it's from P.

[00:57:47] Yeah, it was awesome.

[00:57:48] You just fucking came up with fun stories and that became what you fucking believed in

[00:57:52] and killed people about.

[00:57:54] Right.

[00:57:55] And we'll do that now, but instead of being about the world, it's about what other people

[00:57:58] think of you.

[00:58:00] You know, that's like our origin myth now.

[00:58:02] Like, what do you mean?

[00:58:03] Like, pit everyone loves me and I fuck.

[00:58:06] Good.

[00:58:07] Yeah.

[00:58:08] That everyone thinks I'm tall and everyone hates me.

[00:58:09] Everyone thinks I'm gay.

[00:58:10] Everyone thinks I have vocal fry, which I don't.

[00:58:13] What do you're like, you're like, you're like an Adam Atheus.

[00:58:15] You're like an Adam realist.

[00:58:16] Yeah.

[00:58:17] I'm like the Ricky's your ace.

[00:58:18] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:58:20] Exactly.

[00:58:21] Everyone thinks you're a fucking loser.

[00:58:24] Yeah, you little ass dick having you do have everyone thinks I said vocal fry.

[00:58:28] You're like, they think I have vocal fry.

[00:58:30] I don't say that.

[00:58:31] I didn't say that.

[00:58:32] I didn't talk, dude.

[00:58:33] I don't talk body fry.

[00:58:35] What do you mean body?

[00:58:37] Body fizzles out like a like a valley.

[00:58:40] I've been sick.

[00:58:41] You're little ass legs, dude.

[00:58:42] You're the last fucking whole leg.

[00:58:44] It has.

[00:58:45] I just walked the wrong way.

[00:58:46] I have weak legs.

[00:58:47] You do have weak legs, dude.

[00:58:48] Unlike me, I got some fucking trunks.

[00:58:50] I'm V-shaped, dude.

[00:58:51] I have broad shoulders.

[00:58:53] They can't see.

[00:58:54] V as in vagina.

[00:58:55] Your vagina shit.

[00:58:56] That's what I mean by V shit, dude.

[00:58:59] Yeah, my nose is like my clit of my body.

[00:59:04] Yeah.

[00:59:05] Is that true?

[00:59:06] Yeah, yeah.

[00:59:07] Is that real, dude?

[00:59:08] Yeah, that's true.

[00:59:09] That's true.

[00:59:10] That's a real body.

[00:59:11] You know, your clit.

[00:59:12] Are you saying your mouth is your pussy?

[00:59:13] My mouth is my pussy.

[00:59:14] No, my nose is my clit.

[00:59:16] My mouth is my pussy.

[00:59:17] What's the rest of you?

[00:59:19] I don't know.

[00:59:20] A bunch of other little pussies.

[00:59:22] Your concave chest might be your pussy.

[00:59:24] It could be it.

[00:59:25] And your belly button.

[00:59:27] And your asshole.

[00:59:28] You know what I want to get?

[00:59:29] You know those things I give out on Valentine's Day or Halloween, like the Aeros or the head?

[00:59:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:59:34] But it's a dick.

[00:59:35] So it's a dick going through your head?

[00:59:37] Why?

[00:59:38] Oh my God, that's so good.

[00:59:39] I know.

[00:59:40] Why is it taking so long?

[00:59:41] That's got to be out there.

[00:59:42] Why did you say that on the podcast?

[00:59:43] I was going to steal it.

[00:59:44] Yeah, I go on Shark Tank.

[00:59:45] Yeah.

[00:59:46] They're like, oh, this guy again.

[00:59:48] I don't know.

[00:59:49] He keeps getting on the show.

[00:59:51] Mark, you bit Dallas Mavericks.

[00:59:53] Please hear me out of this.

[00:59:54] Yeah.

[00:59:55] It's a dick that goes through your head.

[00:59:57] Yeah.

[00:59:58] Yeah.

[00:59:59] But get this.

[01:00:00] There's a button on the dick that activates the 24 hour weed and beer delivery service.

[01:00:09] Whatever you want.

[01:00:10] You want fucking weed?

[01:00:11] You squeeze this ball.

[01:00:13] You want booze?

[01:00:14] You squeeze this ball.

[01:00:15] You want cigarettes?

[01:00:16] You jack off the tip of the dick.

[01:00:18] It's 100% automated.

[01:00:20] The contacts distribution center Amazon drones provided by you will send out the weed, the

[01:00:27] beer, and whichever part of the penis you touch.

[01:00:30] I'm asking for 800.

[01:00:31] I'm sorry.

[01:00:32] I have five minutes.

[01:00:33] They have to give me the whole five minutes.

[01:00:35] I was told by the producers that I have the entirety of the episode to explain one of them,

[01:00:41] one of the producers.

[01:00:42] Do you know all the producers?

[01:00:44] You know all of them.

[01:00:45] Because I don't think so.

[01:00:46] I don't think you have time for that.

[01:00:47] You would if you had a dick that went through your fucking head that brought you all the

[01:00:52] weed you could ever ask for.

[01:00:53] Hell yeah.

[01:00:54] For $420 million I'm asking for a 1% stake.

[01:00:58] 1% stake.

[01:00:59] You get a 0.5% stake in the business.

[01:01:02] I keep all the money.

[01:01:03] Fuck you, Stein.

[01:01:05] Because greed, ladies and gentlemen, is good.

[01:01:08] Forget it, Jake.

[01:01:09] It's Chinatown.

[01:01:10] I think I've already said this bit but just going on Shark Tank and being like, my ass.

[01:01:16] You're like, my idea is women.

[01:01:19] You pay for sex.

[01:01:23] I know some women.

[01:01:24] They'll fuck guys for money and I keep part of the profit.

[01:01:27] You're coming up with bad ideas for Shark Tank.

[01:01:30] Gotta be the best way to spend your entire day.

[01:01:32] It's great.

[01:01:33] Yeah.

[01:01:34] Real entrepreneur hours.

[01:01:35] Yeah.

[01:01:36] Let's see.

[01:01:37] True international business players and them.

[01:01:41] They're pants you can shit inside of.

[01:01:44] That's one another one of mine.

[01:01:45] That's a good one.

[01:01:46] Pants that you could have shit inside of.

[01:01:48] I shit my pants yesterday because I fucking had that weird stomach thing.

[01:01:52] You know what I'm saying?

[01:01:53] Just hanging out.

[01:01:54] You crapped your pants?

[01:01:55] Shit my pants, dude.

[01:01:56] RIP's a nice pair of Haynes.

[01:01:59] They were in the good rotation.

[01:02:00] No holes, no nothing.

[01:02:02] Premature death because I actually sharded, unfortunately.

[01:02:05] Do you have insurance?

[01:02:07] I don't do that thing.

[01:02:09] Now thanks to fucking Republicans, I don't have underwear insurance, dude.

[01:02:12] Yeah.

[01:02:13] They took insurance.

[01:02:14] I lost my underwear.

[01:02:16] My Obama dipes.

[01:02:17] Obama used to give everyone a diaper.

[01:02:20] Yeah.

[01:02:21] Yeah.

[01:02:22] You got to keep your diaper?

[01:02:23] Like if you like your diaper.

[01:02:25] Actually what I said was that if your diaper is part of the plan, you could keep it.

[01:02:29] I don't know.

[01:02:32] Obama dipes, dude.

[01:02:33] Yeah.

[01:02:34] That was a tough one.

[01:02:35] Do you think they're going to just change the law and just be like, we could just all

[01:02:38] hate everyone hate Obama together again.

[01:02:41] Well, you're just what's cool is that the ACA, they're not repealing it yet, but you

[01:02:47] already don't have to include in your tax forms whether you had insurance or not.

[01:02:50] So the penalties effectively gone.

[01:02:52] Oh, great.

[01:02:53] Unless you elect to tell them, yeah.

[01:02:55] I don't know the details specifically, but Norman was telling me that they got rid of

[01:02:59] whatever that 1095 is or reporting form.

[01:03:02] Interesting.

[01:03:03] Yeah.

[01:03:04] Couldn't you just lie on that previously?

[01:03:05] Yeah.

[01:03:06] Yeah, they wouldn't know.

[01:03:07] Yeah.

[01:03:08] That's what I did.

[01:03:09] I mean, I lied to get Medicaid.

[01:03:10] I qualified for it, but I put down, I made zero on the application.

[01:03:13] Yeah, they give it to you.

[01:03:14] I only made like five grand.

[01:03:16] So it's like not fraud or anything.

[01:03:17] No.

[01:03:18] But they don't check.

[01:03:19] Yeah, I started.

[01:03:20] I got to figure, I got to do my tax to do tax.

[01:03:23] They're fucking gay.

[01:03:24] I'm libertarian every time I got to pay taxes.

[01:03:26] Yeah, dude.

[01:03:27] Change my mind.

[01:03:28] I think they're on to my neck.

[01:03:29] My neck beard just grows.

[01:03:30] Yeah.

[01:03:31] I just gone Reddit.

[01:03:32] I complain to my bros.

[01:03:35] I just don't see why.

[01:03:36] Well, you got to pay taxes.

[01:03:38] It should be.

[01:03:39] It should be.

[01:03:40] Yeah, at 80% tax rate for everybody, but then everything is free otherwise.

[01:03:45] Yeah, that's tight.

[01:03:47] Yeah.

[01:03:48] Including weed, beer, seed, beer, the pussy.

[01:03:51] The pussy.

[01:03:52] The ghost through your brain.

[01:03:53] The ghost through your brain.

[01:03:54] Oh, so it's an actual.

[01:03:55] It actually goes in your ears.

[01:03:58] What continuous dick.

[01:04:00] Yeah.

[01:04:01] Oh, it's not like a problem.

[01:04:03] No.

[01:04:04] The technology is amazing.

[01:04:05] It's a pop.

[01:04:06] I was talking about jamming a dick through my brain.

[01:04:08] Long ways, the difficult way.

[01:04:10] Damn.

[01:04:11] I'm trying to tap into the matrix.

[01:04:13] Can you see movies in your brain with a dick inside of it?

[01:04:17] No.

[01:04:18] No.

[01:04:19] No.

[01:04:20] It kills you.

[01:04:21] You're just talking about my brain.

[01:04:22] I want to get fucked to death in my brain.

[01:04:24] That's cool.

[01:04:25] This isn't the future.

[01:04:26] Okay.

[01:04:27] Okay.

[01:04:28] This is weird.

[01:04:29] Come on.

[01:04:30] So are you drilling a hole in your head or is it going through your ears?

[01:04:31] No, you just push it real hard.

[01:04:32] Okay.

[01:04:33] Wow, that's cool.

[01:04:34] What's for the doing prison, dude?

[01:04:36] They fuck your brain.

[01:04:37] Yeah.

[01:04:38] I mean, I'll fuck your brains out.

[01:04:40] They'll literally put a cock between your ears.

[01:04:42] Yeah.

[01:04:43] That's what he said.

[01:04:47] That's what he said.

[01:04:48] Damn.

[01:04:49] Okay.

[01:04:50] I'm back in.

[01:04:51] I thought it was a prop.

[01:04:52] I feel like there's something else we should talk about.

[01:04:53] I, uh, politics, guys.

[01:04:54] I realized that, again, another reason I have to get alarming, I've been getting alarmingly

[01:04:59] fat is I fucking fell down the stairs at the subway.

[01:05:03] What's alarmingly fat?

[01:05:04] And no one laughed at me.

[01:05:06] And they all were just worried about my well-being.

[01:05:08] Like that's, that stings so much more.

[01:05:11] That's what I was saying.

[01:05:12] You don't hear like one black teenager say world star when you fall.

[01:05:15] Yeah.

[01:05:16] How many steps do you fall?

[01:05:17] Like a lot?

[01:05:18] I kind of busted my shit, dude.

[01:05:19] I saw a fuck.

[01:05:20] I was in some, I was in some, like two level, uh, McDonald's as a kid and like, I think Jersey

[01:05:25] or something.

[01:05:26] Whoa, lucky.

[01:05:27] Oh yeah.

[01:05:28] So it was like a two level McDonald's.

[01:05:31] It's like it's stairs, right?

[01:05:33] Yeah.

[01:05:34] Yeah.

[01:05:35] And there was this big fat guy that had this tray filled with food and he was like walking

[01:05:40] up the stairs and he gets the top one.

[01:05:41] He just slips.

[01:05:42] Oh yeah.

[01:05:43] He goes down the stairs backwards and just spills McDonald's all over him.

[01:05:47] And I remember being like, like dying.

[01:05:50] No.

[01:05:51] It's so funny, dude.

[01:05:52] Fuck.

[01:05:53] That fucking poor fat piece of shit.

[01:05:58] I got a, I got a train so funny.

[01:06:00] Dude, do you know how painful that is, dude?

[01:06:03] That guy was looking forward to that fat, that tray of fucking food so much.

[01:06:07] That's worse than the embarrassment.

[01:06:08] He had to get back in line by that exact same meal.

[01:06:11] Yeah.

[01:06:12] I was doing heroin at my friend's place one time and his cat knocked the bag of heroin

[01:06:19] onto the carpeting.

[01:06:20] Uh huh.

[01:06:21] So it was lost in this fucking shitty carpet.

[01:06:23] Where was this?

[01:06:24] And I imagine it felt very, very much the same.

[01:06:27] Yeah, exactly.

[01:06:28] This is my friend's apartment.

[01:06:30] And the London Dairy apartment complex in Gathersburg.

[01:06:35] Oh, Gathersburg.

[01:06:36] What is that?

[01:06:37] It's powder?

[01:06:38] Those were your horse days?

[01:06:39] I didn't have horse days.

[01:06:40] I've probably done it in total.

[01:06:41] Five hundred times.

[01:06:42] Fifteen to twenty times.

[01:06:45] At most.

[01:06:46] Okay.

[01:06:47] You know, but yeah, there was like a six month period where I had friends that were buying

[01:06:50] it and I'm like, yeah, sure, I'll throw it.

[01:06:52] What is it?

[01:06:53] It's just doing Oxycod in anyways.

[01:06:54] It's like brown powder?

[01:06:56] Yeah.

[01:06:57] Sometimes it was white.

[01:06:58] White.

[01:06:59] I've never even seen black tar heroin.

[01:07:02] What is that?

[01:07:03] Is that the good shit?

[01:07:04] So there's basically, that's like the dab?

[01:07:06] That's like the dab?

[01:07:07] Yeah, I don't think you can snort that.

[01:07:09] So there's the, I think the white is the most pure.

[01:07:12] There's like Chinese heroin.

[01:07:13] China white.

[01:07:14] Yeah.

[01:07:15] So that's, yeah, there's China white and it's like the purification process is different.

[01:07:21] But they, I don't know, they bleach the fucking heroin or something.

[01:07:24] So like the best one is the white one and the brown one.

[01:07:27] I think black tar is like a real crude thing.

[01:07:30] Hmm.

[01:07:31] Yeah.

[01:07:32] Interesting.

[01:07:33] That's where they get, they get those from the...

[01:07:34] Would you snort it from the, yeah, I've never rejected it.

[01:07:36] Injecting seems like so much work, dude.

[01:07:38] Yeah.

[01:07:39] Like that's...

[01:07:40] Sounds like that's real drugs.

[01:07:41] That just seems like, yeah, too much.

[01:07:42] Yeah.

[01:07:43] No, it's weird.

[01:07:44] It's weird to do that.

[01:07:45] It's like, it's not like you don't get completely fucked up.

[01:07:48] Yeah.

[01:07:49] All snort in the hair.

[01:07:51] Yeah.

[01:07:52] Yeah.

[01:07:53] Yeah.

[01:07:54] Damn.

[01:07:55] Imagine needing that much of a fucking fix.

[01:07:56] I can't even, a little tutski won't even fuck you up.

[01:08:00] Yeah.

[01:08:01] Damn.

[01:08:02] Should I get Oxycontin now?

[01:08:03] No, dude.

[01:08:04] What do you know?

[01:08:05] It'll be fun.

[01:08:06] It's too strong.

[01:08:07] Dude like Vicodin, that's like 5% of...

[01:08:11] Really?

[01:08:12] An Oxycontin.

[01:08:13] I think so.

[01:08:14] Yeah.

[01:08:15] That doesn't sound right.

[01:08:16] Or 10%.

[01:08:17] It's like way less.

[01:08:18] Or all your hair been doing French dead.

[01:08:19] It's not fun.

[01:08:20] A lot of it.

[01:08:21] Well, yeah, I was never really friends with, you know, most of the people I sort of knew

[01:08:23] as a teenager.

[01:08:24] Right, right, right.

[01:08:25] One of those guys is dead.

[01:08:29] Another guy who died from a fentanyl overdose last year, the year before.

[01:08:35] Was fentanyl.

[01:08:36] I don't know.

[01:08:37] It's farts in a bag.

[01:08:38] Yeah.

[01:08:39] So yeah, it's many farts.

[01:08:40] I thought it was patches.

[01:08:42] I thought it was like, you know, like they, like, but I guess they're, they now they're

[01:08:48] synthesizing it so that you can sell it as heroin or something.

[01:08:52] But I don't know, I already died of it.

[01:08:53] What if you put a patch off that on your dick?

[01:08:55] Yeah, it would come real hard.

[01:08:57] You'd come.

[01:08:58] And that's the problem is that they make you come.

[01:09:00] It's not just, yeah, I like, like when people talk about like drugs or whatever, they're

[01:09:06] like, Oh man, heroin is the greatest feeling in the world.

[01:09:09] It's like getting a fucking blow job.

[01:09:11] You know, it's like, yeah, people just get a blow job.

[01:09:14] Yeah.

[01:09:15] What the fucking do heroin?

[01:09:16] I wouldn't destroy my life for blow jobs.

[01:09:19] You know, it should be like something majestic that you can't do in the real world.

[01:09:23] Yeah.

[01:09:24] You know, like fucking riding a Pegasus.

[01:09:26] It does feel real good.

[01:09:28] But then after you do it, you're like, fuck, what am I doing?

[01:09:30] You know, it's, it's no way to get away from that fucking stigma unless you are like an

[01:09:35] absolute piece of shit and you just want to die.

[01:09:37] Yeah.

[01:09:38] Then something that bad.

[01:09:39] Yeah.

[01:09:40] I guess or you're famous and you've reached the, you got to be on one, one end of the spectrum

[01:09:44] or the other.

[01:09:45] My friend, no aspirations or someone that's already accomplished.

[01:09:48] My friend was from, uh, South Carolina and when everything got hurricanes, him and his

[01:09:52] friends used to smoke opium and go boogie boarding.

[01:09:55] Yeah.

[01:09:56] That's tight.

[01:09:57] Yo, that sounds awesome.

[01:09:59] That's sick.

[01:10:00] That's sick.

[01:10:02] I want to do that so bad.

[01:10:03] That's cool.

[01:10:04] He's like, yeah, we get like serious waves, dude.

[01:10:06] So like we just fucking smoke some opium.

[01:10:08] Do you remember there's this guy, Dave, before the hurricane where you get like fucking 10

[01:10:12] footers, there's this guy Connor I used to hang out with.

[01:10:15] It was like the funniest fucking dude.

[01:10:17] He described him in time.

[01:10:18] He was like, yeah, I just spent the weekend down in, I think he was in like tamper or

[01:10:21] something.

[01:10:22] He's like, yeah, I just spent the weekend down in Tampa.

[01:10:25] These two girls are fucking platinum blonde bleach blonde hair and they're both free

[01:10:28] on addicts.

[01:10:29] They were fucking sucking free on out of the back of it.

[01:10:32] The whole weekend doing free on fucking imagine busting open a free channel.

[01:10:40] Right.

[01:10:41] You have to get your drugs in a chunky on.

[01:10:44] It's like the drugs like robots do on future.

[01:10:51] Benders getting high off electricity.

[01:10:52] Oh, you get fucked off that shit.

[01:10:55] Apparently.

[01:10:56] Yeah, I made these two girls.

[01:10:57] He just eat lead paint chips.

[01:10:58] I love that the details that they were platinum blondes.

[01:11:01] Oh, yeah.

[01:11:02] Best kind of blonde.

[01:11:03] Oh, that's yeah, trash blonde.

[01:11:04] Yeah, yeah, because it's like, like I'm going to be so blonde, it doesn't even look like

[01:11:09] blonde hair anymore.

[01:11:10] I don't want to emulate a type of hair that's like normally well, you just have streaks.

[01:11:14] You've got like Amber's pointing herself.

[01:11:17] She's got platinum.

[01:11:18] I asked for Kelly Bundy fake ass blonde.

[01:11:22] Yeah, yeah, dude.

[01:11:23] Yeah.

[01:11:24] I love Kelly Bundy fake ass blonde.

[01:11:25] Kelly Bundy is my first girlfriend.

[01:11:27] My ex-girlfriend had the platinum blonde like poof in the front when that was a thing that

[01:11:33] we were like pompadour.

[01:11:34] I wanted tips.

[01:11:35] Dude, I wanted those frosted tips.

[01:11:36] Yeah.

[01:11:37] I wanted to look like 98 degrees, dude.

[01:11:40] Yeah.

[01:11:41] I remember I asked my dad.

[01:11:44] But if I could get frosted tips, of course.

[01:11:48] And he, same, dude.

[01:11:49] He's a spec.

[01:11:50] I like my ex-girlfriend's mom.

[01:11:55] She was like a hairdresser.

[01:11:56] I let her give me highlights for a job interview.

[01:11:59] For a job interview?

[01:12:00] Yeah.

[01:12:01] And Abercrombie and Finn.

[01:12:02] No, is it some like hair salon?

[01:12:03] She was like, I need somebody to do this.

[01:12:04] I was like, all right.

[01:12:05] Oh, it was her job interview.

[01:12:06] Yeah, yeah.

[01:12:07] I thought you were getting tips to look better for your job interview.

[01:12:10] Yeah, cane stop.

[01:12:12] I want him pressed.

[01:12:15] I need highlights.

[01:12:16] They go over the weave.

[01:12:23] You're just patting your tracks.

[01:12:26] This is weird beehive.

[01:12:28] Blue, black and yellow beehive.

[01:12:30] Yeah, I'm probably a sucker.

[01:12:32] You know, gaming is my passion.

[01:12:35] Oh, fuck, dude.

[01:12:37] I want to get your middle name down as banana.

[01:12:41] I can't wait to just go.

[01:12:45] I want to get out.

[01:12:46] There's going to be a phase in my life where I have very stupid, like a bald ponytail

[01:12:50] or something awesome.

[01:12:51] Yeah, the bad Franklin.

[01:12:52] Yeah, dude.

[01:12:53] That's cool, dude.

[01:12:54] And then I'll make the fuck my bad Franklin.

[01:12:56] I love it.

[01:12:57] Everyone had that.

[01:12:58] Everyone, everyone knows days.

[01:12:59] Everyone that was days.

[01:13:00] Everyone back in those days had like huge wigs and Brent, Brian Franklin was just like,

[01:13:04] fuck it.

[01:13:05] I fucked that shit, dude.

[01:13:06] I get pussy.

[01:13:07] I'm fucking.

[01:13:09] I'm not only am I going to wear glasses, I'm going to wear double glasses.

[01:13:12] I'm going to invent hell, yeah.

[01:13:14] A type of glasses that's two glasses.

[01:13:16] Yeah.

[01:13:17] Fuckin' love Ben Franklin, dude.

[01:13:18] He's the truth, dude.

[01:13:19] I wrote a sketch.

[01:13:20] We should shoot that shit.

[01:13:21] He fucking pooers.

[01:13:22] He put the key on that kite to get pussy.

[01:13:25] It wasn't actually for electricity.

[01:13:27] Of course.

[01:13:28] He's trying to get some of that sky pussy.

[01:13:29] I get that fuckin' cloud pussy.

[01:13:31] Yeah, he seems to be.

[01:13:33] Honestly, out of the show and off the keys he's cooped the bill to the whole town.

[01:13:39] You can see what I got, bitch.

[01:13:41] Look at that fucking...

[01:13:43] Honestly, I have a cumonimulous cloud pussy, bitch.

[01:13:47] Out of all the founding fathers, they all own slaves, they all rape their slaves, they

[01:13:51] all suck.

[01:13:52] Yeah.

[01:13:53] Then there was this fat inventor, dude.

[01:13:54] He loved to eat pussy.

[01:13:56] He loved French prostitutes.

[01:13:57] Yeah, yeah.

[01:13:58] You know he ate ass.

[01:13:59] And it was sick and diplomacy.

[01:14:01] He really, yeah.

[01:14:02] He died of STDs.

[01:14:03] He learned everything.

[01:14:04] He was like red all the time.

[01:14:05] Yeah, it was super smart.

[01:14:06] Yeah.

[01:14:07] Good for him, dude.

[01:14:08] That's the best one.

[01:14:09] I'm serious.

[01:14:10] He's Quaker.

[01:14:11] Was he?

[01:14:12] Was he?

[01:14:13] Is that right?

[01:14:14] He looks like a Quaker.

[01:14:15] I think he's a Quaker.

[01:14:16] How did they get to own oatmeal?

[01:14:17] He's Muslim?

[01:14:18] Yeah.

[01:14:19] How did that religion take charge of the oatmeal industry?

[01:14:22] I don't know.

[01:14:23] I don't know, dude.

[01:14:24] I don't think it's violent.

[01:14:26] It wasn't through any sort of violence.

[01:14:28] It was violent, dude.

[01:14:30] They fuckin'...

[01:14:31] They lull you to sleep.

[01:14:32] They fuckin' killed the Kellogg oatmeal division.

[01:14:34] Yeah.

[01:14:35] They just...

[01:14:36] No, they're not.

[01:14:37] They're pacifists.

[01:14:38] They're like, dude.

[01:14:39] They sit in circles and talk about their feelings, bro.

[01:14:41] Yeah, and then they fuckin' shot the key.

[01:14:43] We should ask the kid.

[01:14:44] Well, dude, he went to a friend's school.

[01:14:45] Did he?

[01:14:46] Did he?

[01:14:47] He went to a friend's school?

[01:14:48] Yeah.

[01:14:49] I think that's where they force everyone to be friends there.

[01:14:50] That's why they're calling them.

[01:14:51] Yeah.

[01:14:52] They should be bullies.

[01:14:53] They should be bullies.

[01:14:54] Yeah, they should be bullies.

[01:14:55] Yeah, we should be in a bully school.

[01:14:56] I'm gonna start a Quaker good school for goths.

[01:14:59] We're not allowed in the school unless you're off.

[01:15:03] Are goth kids still happening in this day and age?

[01:15:05] No, of course not.

[01:15:06] What's the new thing?

[01:15:07] Do you guys, our age, say that anyone under 25 is like, what the fuck are you talking about?

[01:15:13] Is there a new goth though?

[01:15:14] Is there...

[01:15:15] There's gotta be weird kids to do.

[01:15:16] No, dude.

[01:15:17] Seeing kids replace goths since...

[01:15:18] Well, sorry, emo kids replace goths.

[01:15:20] Then they became scene kids.

[01:15:21] Then scene kids became just hipsters and they grew up.

[01:15:24] And now I think teenagers don't have...

[01:15:26] They all just use apps.

[01:15:27] So they go to school nude.

[01:15:29] They don't wear any clothes or have any style.

[01:15:33] They identify based on which apps and emojis they're using.

[01:15:35] Uh-huh.

[01:15:36] And each any kind of communication skills in school anymore.

[01:15:39] They sit in the room with the lights off and throw feces at each other.

[01:15:43] I heard that they eat the poo poo as well.

[01:15:44] They do.

[01:15:45] Dude, I re-watched that video again recently.

[01:15:48] Eat the poo poo?

[01:15:49] Yeah, it's so fucking fun.

[01:15:50] It's the funniest video.

[01:15:51] Yeah.

[01:15:52] Uh, good afternoon.

[01:15:53] I am here in the capacity as the...

[01:15:55] No, but because my name is Dr. Pastor Martin Sempa.

[01:15:59] Just like giving himself all these titles.

[01:16:02] Oh yeah, he's like 12.

[01:16:04] Dr. Pastor Martin Sempa and I am here in the capacity as the chairman of the task force

[01:16:10] against homosexuality.

[01:16:11] Yo, that was...

[01:16:12] I remember that.

[01:16:13] I remember that.

[01:16:14] I remember that.

[01:16:15] I remember that.

[01:16:16] I remember that.

[01:16:17] I remember that.

[01:16:18] I remember that.

[01:16:19] I remember that was one of the first time I got speech.

[01:16:22] Yeah.

[01:16:23] In DC, uh, I opened for Wham City at that church.

[01:16:33] And you like showed up drunk.

[01:16:36] And then you can...

[01:16:37] How do you think I was drunk?

[01:16:38] Well, we went back to my apartment.

[01:16:40] I was like, you were like, do you have anything to drink?

[01:16:42] I was like, I only have this red wine.

[01:16:45] So you drink this red wine.

[01:16:46] You're like, yo, you seem to eat the poo poo before.

[01:16:48] You're like petting my cat the wrong way.

[01:16:52] Funky singing off.

[01:16:53] Yeah, okay.

[01:16:54] That cat sucked.

[01:16:55] That cat was a piece of shit.

[01:16:56] But uh, yeah, we watched you eat the poo poo.

[01:16:59] Dude, that shit is...

[01:17:00] That's one of the funniest.

[01:17:01] Yeah.

[01:17:02] It was a good ass video.

[01:17:03] On that, guys, check out Eat the Poopoo.

[01:17:05] We'll be back.

[01:17:06] Well, just to head up.

[01:17:07] We'll put the shows?

[01:17:08] Yeah.

[01:17:09] Well, um, when does this come out?

[01:17:10] I don't know.

[01:17:11] This weekend, this comes out this weekend.

[01:17:12] So this is the last one before our big show, Caroline's on Broadway on Tuesday.

[01:17:17] Yeah.

[01:17:18] Please come out on the 21st.

[01:17:20] It's a big deal for us.

[01:17:21] Although we're acting nonchalant and chill about it because that's the kind of guys

[01:17:24] we are.

[01:17:25] But it's actually a big deal for us is we're on Broadway.

[01:17:27] Yeah.

[01:17:28] I also need to, uh, I'm going out of town.

[01:17:31] So we got to like, uh, front load a bunch of episodes in advance.

[01:17:35] And so we're trying to figure out the logistics of doing that.

[01:17:38] But if you have any suggestions as far as guests go or what you want to hear, um, because

[01:17:43] we're not going to be able to do the episodes they have for, uh, just right about a month

[01:17:49] is how long it's going to be.

[01:17:51] Okay.

[01:17:52] Um, uh, I have to unfortunately go out of the country to get, um, a type of surgery

[01:17:56] I read about online that's illegal in America.

[01:17:59] Um, but let's say, let's say, I'll, I'll give you a little bit of time.

[01:18:01] I'll give you a hint.

[01:18:02] When I get back, uh, I'm going to be six foot six.

[01:18:05] Um, I may not be able to walk for a while, uh, but where do you see my games?

[01:18:12] Hell yeah.

[01:18:13] Uh, it's going to be pretty sweet.

[01:18:18] But, uh, yeah.

[01:18:19] So you know, I don't know.

[01:18:20] Is it gas or something?

[01:18:21] Yeah.

[01:18:22] Let us know what guests you want to see.

[01:18:23] All right.

[01:18:24] Uh, goodbyes folks.