Cum Town | Premium | 12/05/2021
[00:00:00] Oh, let's get ready to... why is this too loud?
[00:00:11] I tell you folks, if you're like me, you wish you were dead.
[00:00:15] And one day you will be, and you're listening to the Charlie Rose Show.
[00:00:24] My guest tonight is esteemed homosexual, Adam Friedland.
[00:00:28] He's been quoting his new book, My Whole, the Secrets That It Keeps for Years in the Obama Administration.
[00:00:37] As the chief outreach officer to the Jewish homosexual community.
[00:00:42] Tell us if you pick this book up today, what would make you come, I guess, if you were beating off to this?
[00:00:57] Well, Charlie, I just want to say thanks for having me on the show, which I think is appropriate for the first thing that I say.
[00:01:06] Hold on, I got a text message I got to respond to.
[00:01:16] Sorry, that was some bitch that's been up my ass.
[00:01:22] I showed her my penis in the hotel room a couple months ago,
[00:01:26] and she's talking about exposing me to the media, which I guess I may have just done right now.
[00:01:33] Yeah, you kind of exposed yourselves there.
[00:01:35] Well, I guess it's back to the corner store in all Hatfield, North Carolina, Cackalacki.
[00:01:43] A lot of people don't know this, but me and Petey Pablo were high school roommates together.
[00:01:58] Me and Petey Pablo and the song, Frica Lake, was mostly about the women that I sexually has halted.
[00:02:19] I'm the gay guy you're interviewing as a manager.
[00:02:24] I found him sucking cock at a truck stop like you wouldn't believe.
[00:02:33] Now, Mr. Friedland, I've been told that your nickname in certain circles is Charlie Noes.
[00:02:42] Because you've got a nose and like Charlie Rose myself, your rapist.
[00:02:47] Charlie, just so I think I heard this right.
[00:02:51] The song, Frica Lake, the list is all the women you raped.
[00:02:57] Me and Petey Pablo, when we lived together in North Carolina, together as high school
[00:03:09] So you guys are about the same age then?
[00:03:20] You guys must have had a lot of fun back there, huh?
[00:03:23] We sure did until they made those actions illegal.
[00:03:39] It must be nice for you to let your hair down.
[00:03:42] Well, we all remember when the fat women got jealous.
[00:03:45] And my younger years, I know I have a very clean, cut look these days.
[00:03:49] But when I was younger, I had hair down to my waist.
[00:03:52] And I would wear a dress and go into the women's bathroom.
[00:03:55] I would find what I'd call the prey of the knot.
[00:04:00] So you would assault women that were shitting and pissing.
[00:04:15] I would dress up like a beautiful toilet.
[00:04:19] And when women would sit down, I would wait until the toy had maybe about a foot or the
[00:04:26] At which point I would shove it back in with my penis.
[00:04:30] And women would naturally assume that the third game went back in.
[00:04:38] Which would begin a seesaw battle between the toy and my ass.
[00:04:43] And before, usually upon my climax, I would realize they were sitting on a transvestite
[00:04:52] Well, my day job at the time was birthday clown.
[00:05:06] There's a misconception that North Carolina is slow.
[00:05:15] It's like a retard hooked up to the front of a couch.
[00:05:25] And the town was so poor, instead of a bus, we had a big radio fly wagon hooked up to
[00:05:38] You say it'd be about four retards still on there.
[00:05:44] Oh, it's kind of like on the Oregon Trail, they just leave the dead animal.
[00:05:47] The guy that ran the original marathon.
[00:05:49] I'm sure you've heard the expression that there's no retards in the south.
[00:05:58] Well, that would have been why they existed.
[00:06:16] I also wanted to ask another question because you said you and Petey Pablo were high school
[00:06:21] It says here you were born in 1942 and that Petey was actually born in 1973.
[00:06:46] And I said, what if it meant, what if it meant room bank?
[00:06:51] So you were, I'm sorry, one year old baby.
[00:07:01] In the Carlton Banks Arms Department complex.
[00:07:11] And then I'd drive my retaut back to the apartment.
[00:07:17] We played an early version of beer pong in which you threw a ping pong ball into a retards
[00:07:26] If you want, then, well, you got drunk and you had to **** him.
[00:07:33] Oh, that's, we didn't have gas back then.
[00:07:41] So was it a similar thing where there was 12 mentally retarded individuals on each side
[00:07:52] You know, I mean, you'd gather as many of them as you could.
[00:07:59] There's an expression of man with 12 retards is rich in life.
[00:08:02] A man with one retards is rich in spirit.
[00:08:09] Man, so many retards that can't even name them all ends up sounding dumb other than the
[00:08:15] You fall in love with them because you've been throwing you even through the ping pong
[00:08:20] Yeah, that's the kind of just so you got no gas to get to the candy store to refeed
[00:08:27] So you, I'm so it sounds like you refuel the retard by ****ing them in the ass.
[00:08:43] And that's really beautiful because that's, you know, that there's no emissions there.
[00:08:57] They have more of a carbon juice smile.
[00:09:12] And you were in high school and you could afford.
[00:09:13] I always thought it was strange that, that a baby bottle in a shade like a titty.
[00:09:20] That seems like it should be for adults.
[00:09:33] Where as adults get a big titty to suck.
[00:09:39] Now did you guys keep, did you have wet nurses where you would suck a woman's breasts?
[00:09:45] You would pay her to suck her breasts or what kind of stuff were you guys up to?
[00:09:57] But I just, you're, I'm so enraptured in this company.
[00:10:16] And I was wondering if we should do all the cocaine before that segment.
[00:10:22] By the way, when he says our next guest folks, you'll probably hear it in about four to five
[00:10:32] He actually, he borrowed my Albanian retar.
[00:10:36] He's taking the Albanian retar to express one special retard with a red nose.
[00:10:53] Cigarettes might be better for you than that shit.
[00:10:56] That's a, that's a wrong amount of nicotine.
[00:11:07] I've avoided vape pens for like a decade.
[00:11:08] If you think it's from, if you think it's from my dick, just keep talking and just ignore
[00:11:20] I was being ignored when I sat over there.
[00:11:25] I didn't want you to, I didn't, I didn't want you to acknowledge it because then I
[00:11:30] You know what we should have here is, you know, there's the floor shelf, but we should
[00:11:35] throw out all this other furniture out and make sure you.
[00:11:42] We're going to turn the heat up to 90s.
[00:11:57] And then they came out with micro machines and they said, what if we made hot wheels
[00:12:01] You think that hot wheels guy was pissed off about that?
[00:12:09] You fucking faggots told me this was the smallest car you could make.
[00:12:20] Getting the fuck by the cars for tiny, even smaller, my makers.
[00:12:25] A M T C S always make the cars smaller.
[00:12:40] I got really, I felt really lied to because I got really good at tech decks.
[00:12:43] And then I found out that I found out you get that they had the company.
[00:12:53] You remember your childhood and it's just.
[00:12:54] I was just trying to show a joke on it.
[00:12:56] But it's, but it's, let them finish the joke.
[00:13:05] And then I found out they make skateboards for your feet.
[00:13:07] And I felt like I should have been, I should have been investing that time and feet.
[00:13:13] It's negative memories of being ignored by your father and then overfed by your mother.
[00:13:19] Me, I just, it's like, you know, and then I'm back.
[00:13:26] And then Adam is just the Harlem Globetrotters theme.
[00:13:31] And him like being the president and yeah.
[00:13:42] What's your most cherished memory from childhood?
[00:13:48] That was actually what your ass fucked.
[00:13:57] I don't know if you guys have, for the listeners at home, if you've missed the last couple
[00:14:05] But upstairs there's a claw foot bathtub and I'm going to leave the door a little bit
[00:14:20] I've been on cold showers like 18 months.
[00:14:22] I don't bathe in hot water anymore because it's bad.
[00:14:30] I need a sound board thing that's like, sounds like copying.
[00:14:54] You know I can't go to the extreme and anything.
[00:15:01] Luke, you just blast that shit ice cold, get right in.
[00:15:06] I do it in the summer and the winter is too cold.
[00:15:10] You always talk about moving to China, but I think you should move to Russia and just
[00:15:15] Well, where I, the first, my first experience with cold showers is when I was living in that
[00:15:20] fucking tenement and the cold water would be shut off for like six months.
[00:15:30] No, the second place I lived with the family.
[00:15:33] And the grandma would use it as like wash clothes in the shower.
[00:15:39] And I would have to use the shower at 6 a.m. before work.
[00:15:45] And you know, I'd have to go in there and they'd have to ask her in Chinese to get
[00:15:50] So I could, she would just like curse in Chinese at me.
[00:15:58] So the setup was, it was a three bedroom apartment.
[00:16:09] I went to the one in the office building.
[00:16:16] The bed, the bedroom itself was split in half.
[00:16:19] So on one side was me in the master bedroom, which was four feet by eight feet.
[00:16:24] It was a literal coffin and Nick had the bedroom.
[00:16:29] And then the other half was the grand, yeah, the granddaughter, the son and the daughter
[00:16:36] And they would just stack on bunk beds, like inner, inner leave of the bunk beds basically.
[00:16:42] And then the mom and the dad slept in the literal pantry at the closet in the kitchen.
[00:16:48] And then there was another guy that like slept in like a mud room basically, like when you
[00:16:53] first walked in there was that hallway that led to the kitchen.
[00:17:03] So it was like one and a half feet by five feet.
[00:17:06] And there was just a platform and there was a Mexican guy that would sleep on that.
[00:17:12] So you and the guy, did that guy ever come inside?
[00:17:16] Like I would just see the back of his head as he was angry.
[00:17:18] No, the funny thing about that is that that situation wasn't upgraded on the situation
[00:17:41] I think I was paying 600 everything included.
[00:17:46] And then my rent after that, I want to move to bedside, I was paying 450.
[00:17:51] First break of the podcast at four and a half minutes in.
[00:18:03] I don't think he's going to blow my nose.
[00:18:07] You should have ticked the microphone with you.
[00:18:09] I should have done that, but I don't let it.
[00:18:14] I'm going to make do with this rough paper towel.
[00:18:30] We are oh, and how many episodes have we done?
[00:18:42] Like I thought it was a couple, one son and one grandparent.
[00:18:49] No, it was funny when I was moving out, there was some young girl looking at the place,
[00:18:53] and the daughter was showing it to her.
[00:18:56] And then she thought they had to show me my room, or my room to the girl.
[00:19:11] Trying to give me some fucking hole of deuce.
[00:19:14] Anyways, for you to live here, you got to suck on.
[00:19:17] She's like, so I would be living here with you to the Chinese girl.
[00:19:20] And she's like, yeah, and my parents and my grandparents.
[00:19:29] I mean, it was literally like there was like a person infestation.
[00:19:36] My favorite memory of that place is like just hearing mad fire trucks.
[00:19:40] And I was like, damn, that sounds like a bad fire.
[00:19:42] And I just went to the FDNY Twitter page.
[00:19:45] And it's like just listed my address and was like five alarm fire.
[00:19:59] And I opened the door and a smoke is just billowing it for the fuck.
[00:20:02] And this Chinese that he's like, fire, fire.
[00:20:08] And I went back in a room and just packed up my laptop and my podcasting equipment.
[00:20:15] And then there was a fireman in the back alley.
[00:20:20] He's like, bro, are you fucking kidding me?
[00:20:22] Because somebody cut the fire escape off.
[00:20:27] Why don't my ex-girlfriend was a social worker?
[00:20:34] And because I was like, yeah, there's no fucking heat in the building.
[00:20:38] And I can't, there's no heat and there's no hot water.
[00:20:42] And I've complained that 311 doesn't do anything.
[00:20:45] And so she was like, I can look into it.
[00:20:48] She's like, yeah, I guess there's been an open complaint on the boiler in that building
[00:21:04] The thing is, it's like, and I think this might be someone else's bit.
[00:21:13] That's why no worries, couple of those that think about firemen and police officers looking
[00:21:20] But firemen do have the same kind of vibe, especially in New York, as police officers,
[00:21:26] but they're extremely good at their job.
[00:21:28] They fucking, the building was on fire.
[00:21:30] They show up, go up the stairs, hose it down, and then fucking four minutes later, the Red
[00:21:45] And then like, they just said, it was still good to go.
[00:21:47] Yeah, they sent us back in the building.
[00:21:50] And then the firemen have this cute thing they do where they refold the hose.
[00:21:54] Because it has to be full because they can't get tangled up.
[00:22:04] They all turn into the biggest firemen.
[00:22:08] And he was like a big fucking Staten Island Godzilla.
[00:22:17] Bro, there's a fire truck in my ass, bro.
[00:22:22] On the radio, I was, I heard it on the way up here.
[00:22:26] I heard the news story that there was like a deadline for all city workers, like fire,
[00:22:33] firemen, police and EMS to be vaccinated.
[00:22:36] It was like a day away and like 30 something percent were refusing.
[00:22:45] They're going to have to get furloughed, but we'll get people from the offices, like
[00:22:50] people that work at the office of the fire department.
[00:22:55] So they're going to get like, isn't that what John Deere tried to do where they were
[00:22:59] They were like some fucking guy in accounting.
[00:23:03] But honestly, I totally respect the John Deere scabs because it's like, it's all just
[00:23:08] guys are like, I can drive a fucking tractor.
[00:23:13] And that's that those are the kind of vibes.
[00:23:18] Got being like, look, fucking I drive my best.
[00:23:26] Dude, you think you get like, if you get into some explosion, do you think you get like
[00:23:29] a pension, like a cop, like a shot for a firefighter?
[00:23:39] Get your fucking foot run over and get fucking forever.
[00:23:42] But it's I really hope that they just they'll all the cops just become the secretaries.
[00:23:49] Just thinking of them uniforms and guns.
[00:23:51] It's going to be all you've reached the desk of ladies.
[00:23:55] No, you're not allowed to be in the office.
[00:23:57] I mean, the dream situation is that they have to fire like 75% of the cops.
[00:24:06] That the fire 50% of the firefighters and then there's no fires anywhere except in like
[00:24:19] And then or you know, I mean, they're all really vaccinated over there.
[00:24:25] Yeah, you know, for whatever reason that neighborhood goes extinct, I guess you could
[00:24:32] That's the why they get normal rents go normal.
[00:24:45] Compromised to a permanent and is correct.
[00:24:52] The juxtapose the John Cena Osama bin Laden announcement.
[00:24:57] Smash cut the 10 years later and John Cena's Mandarin Chinese apology to the communist government
[00:25:04] It's hilarious for acknowledging Taiwan's existence.
[00:25:07] I mean, it sounded like pretty legit Chinese.
[00:25:14] He's sucking that guy that looks like when he the poos.
[00:25:18] Once we got John Cena speaking Chinese.
[00:25:24] It's like this is the beginning of the end.
[00:25:28] That's the saddest part about like the kind of like the Trump like the 1776 crowd.
[00:25:35] It's like there is no American like I don't know the things you're like holding on to
[00:25:40] or just like disputes with your cellmate.
[00:25:42] You know, you're like I want to put up this flag in our jail center.
[00:25:50] He's got a big he's got a little plate of General Sose chicken.
[00:26:14] I stand for the flag and I need for the and for second cock and for guys.
[00:26:19] I remember the gross and second nice hard cock and hot guys.
[00:26:24] And a nice fireman with a fucking transformer.
[00:26:30] I've drawn a lot of inspiration from them.
[00:26:42] So we're looking for expressions of sexuality of body positivity and confidence.
[00:26:54] They were on the four first guys from Staten Island.
[00:26:57] They show showing their butt cheeks a little bit.
[00:27:02] It's weird when you're a child and you're exposed to that kind of gay imagery like that.
[00:27:07] And make your mouth water on a guy or yeah.
[00:27:11] In our uncle's cock and our car there was like a logo for some kind of like Simonizing
[00:27:16] service or something like some of the anti-rust shit they did to the frame of the car.
[00:27:22] And a logo is just like a guy with a mustache like crossing his arms.
[00:27:25] I remember even as a kid being like this is kind of gay.
[00:27:34] I want this guy to hold me down and do stuff to my ass.
[00:27:40] I remember that fake Mr. Clean like sketch or commercial where the guy's cleaning the
[00:27:45] house and he's like smiling at the woman and he's like sure comes up a bit and there's
[00:27:51] I'm trying to remember what that was wrong.
[00:28:09] Do you put Johnny Sin's in when you Google?
[00:28:15] What are your search terms when you jack off?
[00:28:17] What are your search terms when you jack off?
[00:28:23] You know, guy like just gets elected president of the United States.
[00:28:41] Someone's dad calls him and says for the first time they're proud of them.
[00:28:46] You're not going to believe me, but I literally never beat off anymore.
[00:28:54] I got back into, because it's always a matter of utility.
[00:28:57] It's like I'm just get this out of the way.
[00:29:00] But I used to, I did that for a while and I'm back into porn.
[00:29:04] And I, you know, I just, it depends the flavor of the week.
[00:29:09] Sometimes you want to jack off to some little titties, a skinny girl with little titties.
[00:29:16] Sometimes you know, you want to see two girls wrestling.
[00:29:46] No, because at first it was like a thing people tried to trick you with.
[00:29:51] If you were evading it, you're a fucking hard dick savage.
[00:29:53] I think in college we did a bunch of reaction videos.
[00:30:06] And I left the, you know, I'm trying to do the show.
[00:30:11] And there's some floor cleaner in India called Swastika.
[00:30:26] They have a lot of respect for Hitler currently out of stock.
[00:30:34] What if it's the best soap cleaner in the world, floor cleaner in the world?
[00:30:46] You get the industrial safety review and it's his Indian guy to laptop.
[00:30:54] Since it's establishment in 2010, Swastik's synergy.
[00:30:59] It's traversed a long way growing steadily every year or so.
[00:31:24] 302, business, Suites, Nine, the SV Road, Santa Cruz West.
[00:31:36] Yeah, that's where Indian Smash Mount is from.
[00:31:42] Somebody once told me that hello baby mommy.
[00:31:49] Somebody wants to die on random number.
[00:32:22] I will kill myself if I don't see your boobie.
[00:32:52] Listen, we're going to start doing this.
[00:32:53] We're going to start 10 days at a time.
[00:33:00] Then we get to do whatever we want for two months.
[00:33:06] What we really needed was dilute the quality of the show to the extent that it becomes
[00:33:15] And the only thing you just get, you listen to the show by buying a digital download and
[00:33:29] None of us really managed to get back into anything.
[00:33:36] Listen, I bought my house in Greektown.
[00:33:37] But then people are like, hey, remember this thing?
[00:33:48] Like the next TikTok platform will just like kids will be reposed.
[00:33:54] My little cousins know who Beatles juice is, but they don't know what Howard's certain
[00:34:00] So yeah, like little kids in like 2050 will be like, wait, the cheese faggot was from
[00:34:05] And then, and then, and only then I'll get the respect that I deserve.
[00:34:12] And the resurgence, the breakout character will be Adam's cheese faggot.
[00:34:17] My grandkids will be like, you're the cheese and I'll have a single tear falling down my
[00:34:27] Yeah, they just have like like content cheese faggot shirts and journeys.
[00:34:31] God, I can't, I can't wait till people tell us what the thing is.
[00:34:37] It was like we said it like for half at one time.
[00:34:53] I was going to suggest that when you come the grease, George, we, we go, we rent a vacation
[00:34:57] place in this one town that's right on the fucking water.
[00:35:10] No, you have to like, I've never done it before, but I'm extremely confident.
[00:35:11] You have to bash them against a rock for like, I'm already, I'm doing thinking about it.
[00:35:24] The problem is that they have feelings.
[00:35:32] Listen, but maybe afterwards, maybe it's such a violent act killing a beautiful, not only
[00:35:35] intelligent animal, but an animal with an intelligence that I can't even comprehend.
[00:35:41] And then I can creature that is truly just one of the most beautiful aspects of nature
[00:35:52] Maybe then I'll be like, I guess I'm kind of sad.
[00:35:57] And then I feel, then I just do a bunch of blow.
[00:35:59] No, because then we will cook it and it'll be so good.
[00:36:07] I actually don't know if I could kill an octopus.
[00:36:15] We'll give it a soft, well, it'll be hard, but it's not going to penetrate your skin.
[00:36:20] You know, you get a little snorkeler and that's it.
[00:36:22] You have to swing around naked and being a, being the locals will throw spears at you.
[00:36:28] And you know, trail of blood in the water behind me.
[00:36:43] No, it's on a, they do live sketch comedy in Greece and it's huge.
[00:36:54] But yeah, he's making a living and nobody in Greece has a job.
[00:36:56] But he's like, did somebody say McDonald's?
[00:36:59] I mean, it literally is like, yeah, there's a gay character that they call a fag.
[00:37:07] Can you imagine how bad a show would be?
[00:37:14] It's so funny to be like, they're 40 years behind.
[00:37:20] Dude, this guy sells out the guy he works for is like the biggest comedian in Greece.
[00:37:27] And he sells out like an 800 outdoor cedar in the summer.
[00:37:43] And it's like, yeah, men dressing as women.
[00:38:19] November is raises awareness of water prostate cancer.
[00:38:28] So if you get prostate cancer, can you not nut anymore?
[00:38:31] Doesn't your nut doesn't prostate make you nuts?
[00:38:48] Honestly, the reproductive organs are really poorly thought out.
[00:38:56] The human body is so complex, it must have been designed by a creator.
[00:39:02] Because you have like a liver and kidneys.
[00:39:13] You piss and then you clean it off and then it's like, all right, well...
[00:39:22] Like if there were intelligent design, it would make an octopus.
[00:39:30] They just have an organ that kills them when it's time to go.
[00:39:35] So they don't have to like, to deal with like the debilitating aging injuries or whatever.
[00:39:38] They don't have a central nervous system.
[00:39:40] So if you cut one of their arms off, the arm keeps doing what it's supposed to do.
[00:40:10] We're going to give Adam something to deal with here.
[00:40:27] You're in the claiming to know things box.
[00:40:29] Do you have any other facts you want to tell us Adam?
[00:40:36] Adam's not living in a hole that the toilets connect to here.
[00:40:53] Let's keep doing the episode and you keep only say something if you need to because you're
[00:41:05] We only scratched the surface of what it can do.
[00:41:08] You know really that was like when we upgraded to this guy it was like damn now we got to
[00:41:12] keep doing this for at least 18 more months.
[00:41:17] I probably should have not just given the other recorder a way to be an H photo.
[00:41:32] I'm here as a researcher and I'm trying to make abused women orgasm and record the sounds
[00:41:39] to see if that possibly the cure for cancer might be in this.
[00:41:46] I'm an artist and what I'm doing here at the abused women shelter is having sex with them
[00:41:51] until completion and recording the sounds of their orgasm against their will.
[00:42:08] My failure launch on the abused women shelter riff.
[00:42:11] Oh so the box is completely predicated on how you do.
[00:42:23] Because that means he's totally a prisoner of circumstance.
[00:42:27] Yeah the jester isn't called when he's needed.
[00:42:29] The jester is called when the king has failed.
[00:42:35] Now say something embarrassing and we'll put your ass right back.
[00:42:38] Have you been texting any people on ambient recently Adam?
[00:43:06] You're about to get your ass fucked in a major way in the box.
[00:43:28] Every attempt you make to talk just further and deeper in the box.
[00:43:33] Hey what's um what's uh what's uh where some other movies Dennis Villanueva, Denis Villar
[00:43:43] What's his name and then what are some of his other movies?
[00:44:02] What if there was a movie called Cigarion?
[00:44:03] It's about like some buff old guy that smokes cigars who I had him like sucks him off and
[00:44:08] He's just like lovingly caressing Adam's head the whole time.
[00:44:28] Okay Adam just say no I don't want to do that if you don't want to suck the guy's cock.
[00:45:17] Yeah we might actually just replace Adam with cavern noises.
[00:46:29] No, tomorrow's November 28 20 Mars November 28 the 29th the day of the penis
[00:46:38] They have la sola Dodd. Yeah, they have la suck my cock. I sound cool right now
[00:46:45] Or maybe she's there's like a fun. What am I what am I put it back to normal?
[00:46:54] You sound really cool you sound clear. Yeah, you said your levels are good my comments, right?
[00:46:59] Yeah, you should you're coming through clip crystal clear and not like a nerd
[00:47:06] You know when I was a kid I got really good at type decks
[00:47:13] Skateboards for your feet. Oh my god. Is that for real?
[00:47:17] We saw all this time you can see more of this material in Atlanta, Georgia two weeks ago
[00:47:27] Well, it could be man, maybe I could work on that you could work on that expanded
[00:47:32] You're really good at tech dick to I gotta I gotta work on I'm gonna do a little stand-up tour
[00:47:37] I gotta work on some get in there dude. We guys you see the story out of Loudon County, Virginia
[00:47:42] Okay, then a trans student raped a girl in a school bad. I did not see that
[00:47:52] With that name you think it'd be a bunch of black women that live there. Mmm. Not a trend not a tranny raping a girl
[00:47:59] Okay. Yeah, yeah, try that on stage man. That's a good I think that's a good with the name you think it would be
[00:48:05] That's true that yeah, I guess that's I see where you're getting that
[00:48:16] No, that's good. You shoot that's a that's good. I said loud N County. Yep. I
[00:48:27] Confessions like confessions of Loudon County Nick Mullen live in Loudon. You should do it in Loudon
[00:48:36] You sound cool. It's not good dude. Do something fun with it
[00:48:43] This you think you're doing something weird now do something fun sing do a little song
[00:49:12] Maybe little sound cool. Maybe you do some cool
[00:49:17] Do something man, okay, you're blowing it bro
[00:49:25] Wow, oh my god Adam do something what do you mean your professional community?
[00:49:35] Your extra little fucking dimension and you're fucking it up your professional comedian
[00:49:39] Remember when I discovered this and you weren't allowed to have cool sounds and you were like do one for me
[00:49:44] And I was like trapped in space having gay sex right right that was awesome. Yeah
[00:49:49] Okay permission revoked god damn it we can pass revoked
[00:49:58] You had a jig Milwaukee, what's this come on your bay and that weekend pass revolt what did you put this in a guy's ass
[00:50:13] We should watch that they should have been an extra episode where the Nazis capture Ross
[00:50:20] And they send them to Auschwitz and even the people in Auschwitz are like okay. I see why they're doing this
[00:50:27] You mean the other Jews yeah, they're like now. I know
[00:50:30] At first I thought it was unfair right right going this guy's out this guy is one
[00:50:35] Yeah, it's like getting vaccinated you got to take one for the team right?
[00:50:42] Knowing that I'm protecting other people from from Ross from Ross
[00:51:01] What happened nothing I'm just surprised
[00:51:04] I thought you pressed the button no there was a famous friends episode
[00:51:08] We're Chandler hooks up. I literally can't hear you at all. Yeah, maybe he's not even in the I can hear myself
[00:51:17] No, no, I'm in my he's in he's in speak
[00:51:22] Yeah, he's in he's in but he sounds bad
[00:51:25] Talk with keep fucking talking. Oh, yeah. Hi. How's it go? Yeah, I sound kind of hello
[00:51:33] Hello, there we go. Okay. Well, there was a friends episode where
[00:51:38] We're Chandler hooks up with Joey's girlfriend Joey cock idea and as a punishment. He had to go into a box
[00:51:46] Mmm, so really yeah, so it's kind of similar to ever seen you guys my friends spec script for friends
[00:51:53] Yeah, the one where Rachel gets your asshole bleached. Yeah, yeah
[00:51:57] That's good. It was funny. Oh, thanks man. Yeah, I just trying to get a job on
[00:52:05] Sentrimus prick. Yeah, we'll raise her gets her asshole bleached and we show this your asshole bleached
[00:52:11] And then but it turns out it's just calm
[00:52:14] Doctor was gay. He was watching a commercial with Joey in it. Oh, wow
[00:52:21] He's like the ivory. I think he's an asshole doctor. Mm-hmm and he comes on her ass
[00:52:26] Because he's watching her dick is out. Yeah, then Ross is like what the hell is this?
[00:52:32] She's like it must have been from the doctor and Ross confronts the doctor and he's like no, I'm gay right and Ross is like thank God
[00:52:41] And I forget how I got there, but in the end he rapes Joey
[00:52:45] He goes doctor. Yeah, the doctor or he made me great Chandler as you remember because it opens with
[00:52:50] Chandler's in the apartment masturbating and Joey comes in
[00:52:56] I'm like what the hell man. Yeah, and Joey explains. He's Joey has met a man on the train. No, sorry
[00:53:03] Champ Joey's at home. Chandler is on the train a Turkish man starts touching Chandler's penis
[00:53:11] And he thinks he's being he thinks he's being sexually assaulted, but the Turkish man hands him a printed out f.a. Q on jelking
[00:53:19] And so Joey and Chandler get into jelking I see I see but Joey tells Chandler if you know if a man is ever molesting you
[00:53:29] Smart and they'll stop so the episode ends with the doctor breaking into the apartment
[00:53:34] Because he finds out that he's friend. He doesn't know Joey's friend the doctor's name is dr
[00:53:38] Beverly if you remember correctly so Joey finds out the doctor
[00:53:42] Uh-huh. He's into him and he's like, you know, he thinks give them my address. Oh, he thinks
[00:53:52] And it ends with the lights off with Joey yelling
[00:53:57] That's a good call back that's really good because it all ties up to all the storylines come together
[00:54:01] They actually you know why to be I they do that's what I'm saying. I'll go find the it's pretty smart
[00:54:07] I believe that's what I'm saying. It's beautiful. They did those tied together, but they didn't hire me. That's so fucked on the big bang theory
[00:54:14] Yeah, yeah, in fact, I don't even I don't even know if I sent it to the ride
[00:54:17] I just sent it to the big bang theory at gmail.com
[00:54:23] That's probably the big bang. Yeah, probably got there. Yeah, I forget what phoebe's doing in that phoebe. Oh, yeah, where's phoebe? Where's um
[00:54:30] I don't know chronica. I wrote this when I was a young man. No fucking old. I can't remember anything
[00:54:38] Yeah, phoebe and monica have to have something going on. Yeah, maybe there's the Turkish man fuck phoebe or something
[00:54:43] There's a Turkish guy coming in there. No, there's you know what is there at the the college perk. There's an Italian man
[00:54:50] Central perk central perk. Mm-hmm. Remember there's an Italian man that's like
[00:54:55] He's at the counter and gunters like don't fucking speak Spanish and you're right right right?
[00:55:00] Yeah, order in English. Yeah, and then either monica or rachel learned Italian in college. I guess that's it
[00:55:06] I don't remember they start talking to them that monica's fucking the Italian guy
[00:55:21] I thought she thought corny cocks was like a small man
[00:55:25] Yeah, that's good. I gotta pull that up man. You see like a table read
[00:55:37] Maybe you can see if you can find my dick. It'll be really easy because it's big
[00:55:44] What I was close. Yeah, I was admitted my dick was small. Oh my god. Thank god Nick wasn't paying attention
[00:55:51] That's usually the kind of thing he pounces on. No, man. I'm telling you I'm slow. You got to get him distracted in my old years
[00:55:59] Slow Nick with a little dick. No, it's what everybody calls him. Yes. What about Rachel's asshole
[00:56:14] The Chandler's got a lazy Susan under the recliner spins around that comes back. Okay
[00:56:26] And he says hey, he's fucking Joey trippionny
[00:56:31] Doing a captain Kirk impression. He's like beam me up Scotty
[00:56:36] Joey's like whoa that thing swivels and he's like I put a lazy Susan under the recliner now
[00:56:46] Reclamation, that's awesome. He says 300 degrees it heats up now, too. Oh, that's guy like that you have just some
[00:56:57] Degree referring to angle not temperature right and then Joey says ha ha ha damn. I'm fucking retarded
[00:57:04] The Chandler says yeah, but this thing rules we can watch the big game and then with a simple kick and
[00:57:14] And then Joey sees the kitchen goes we can watch some bitch cook us breakfast, right?
[00:57:21] Throw me a beer and Joey throws me a beer. They says hey
[00:57:24] So what's the deal with having your penis out the TV is off?
[00:57:29] Or did that hot piece of ass across the street accidentally breastfeed in front of the window?
[00:57:34] Mmm, and he says no, I wasn't beating out for all check this out and
[00:57:40] Then Chandler tosses Joey the stack of papers stapled together Joey struggles to read the first page sounding out every word like a mongoloid
[00:57:47] Good job training course Joey an FAQ on gel jelking Joey starts shaking his head and it hands the fact back the Chandler
[00:57:56] Joey tearing up scared Chandler. What is this are you gay?
[00:58:03] Chandler says no, man. I'm not gay. It's a frequently asked questions on jelking right?
[00:58:07] I bought it off a Syrian guy on the sixth train. Oh, so he's Syrian. Yeah, sorry
[00:58:12] They don't really use they don't never own the subway and then Joey says Joey's
[00:58:18] Yeah, Joey's wiping me his tears and he says you're not gay, but what is jelking and why do you need a FAQ on it?
[00:58:25] Chandler gets up in the chair and he says so get this. I'm on the sixth train
[00:58:29] Yeah, and it's packed. You know real New York subway stuff crammed in like sardines. I love sardines on white pizza
[00:58:36] Mamma Mia, can you go five seconds without thinking about pizza?
[00:58:42] Joey looks up and starts counting to five on his hands
[00:58:45] Okay, can we talk about pizza again? Thanks?
[00:58:49] So I'm on the train and I feel something something down there
[00:58:56] Chandler she officially points to his still exposed penis on your that's right
[00:59:02] And I look over in this Syrian cry is grabbing my package
[00:59:07] Joey and that's so that's what Syrian means and he goes so I'm ready to fight this guy Joey looks skeptical
[00:59:13] Chandler says what I mean it I fought I've been in fights in junior high
[00:59:17] I knocked out the biggest kid in school and then Joey raises his eyebrow and he says okay
[00:59:22] So he was the fattest kid in school and maybe I started a rumor that he was molested and he killed himself over it
[00:59:36] Isn't that the charity that helps retarded kids no that it's was Charles Lindbergh's plane
[00:59:43] What am I thinking of I'm not sure maybe the Ronald McDonald house right right?
[00:59:54] Anyways, I look over in this guy. He's grabbing my Johnson and you didn't hit him. Well the train was packed
[01:00:01] You whispered why I didn't want to draw attention to myself and there are other people trying to read right some guy is sexually
[01:00:09] Mollesting you and your concern is interrupting someone else's commute. It's called being considerate Joey. Well, it sounds pretty fucking gay to me
[01:00:18] Get this Joey. He's not gay either. He's a salesman and he tells me my dick is really small
[01:00:25] All right now you've lost me Joey the guy is selling jelking
[01:00:32] I'm still not sure what it is. Jelking is the ancient secret Arab art of squeezing your dick to fluff it up before girls
[01:00:38] Seasoned it makes it hang fat hang fat, huh? Just like that kid you beat up in junior
[01:00:45] Well, no he shot himself with his dad's gun
[01:00:50] I'm not blowing anymore dates by pulling out my small soft dick too early
[01:00:54] Joey puts his hand on his friend's shoulder buddy as long as you're safe. That's all I care about
[01:01:01] Let me tell you something if some guy ever does that to you again
[01:01:04] He's not just a Syrian trying to make a living on the busy bustling streets of this crazy city
[01:01:09] We call New York you look him right in the eye and scream I have AIDS
[01:01:13] I have AIDS yep, that'll put a stop to it right then in there
[01:01:19] Okay, yeah, it's also a Joey grabs Chandler moves towards living room now
[01:01:23] Put on channel 8 that commercialized shot for six minute abs is airing
[01:01:27] I want to see if I can tape it to send to my nana
[01:01:30] And that sets up that's just a year. Well the doctor when the doctor sees the ad and he ejaculates on Rachel's
[01:01:36] Oh, yeah, well, you know this is great. Why don't we?
[01:01:40] Save the rest of this for the episode that aired
[01:01:51] And now here we're in the coffee shop, okay, yeah, so it's Phoebe Monica and Rachel and I spelled Rachel wrong
[01:01:59] And Phoebe is sitting in a lotus pose in her chair while Monica. Oh Monica and Rachel look at her
[01:02:07] Monica the Phoebe you have a healing crystal in your vagina as we speak and Phoebe says namaste
[01:02:13] Mm-hmm Rachel says look Phoebe we want this to work for you, but you should still tell guys you have herpes
[01:02:19] She says when you establish an emotional connection with someone you can tell them things with your mind
[01:02:23] Yeah, she says well why well wait you guys establish an emotional connection with the guys you're sleeping with that's Monica
[01:02:31] That's Rachel and Monica says at this point. I just like to be able to speak the same language as the guy
[01:02:36] At the bar a handsome Italian man Giovanni places in order with Gunther
[01:02:40] Gunther isn't understanding him and they paid this gets everyone's attention. Well, is that a spider behind you?
[01:02:46] Yeah, yeah, and Giovanni says come on say DJ cappuccino prego when the cappuccino e biscotti see biscotti cappuccino
[01:02:57] Gunther tapping the pin on his apron says sir. What part of refugees not welcome
[01:03:02] Monika says scratch that he's gorgeous and then Rachel said didn't you take a semester of Italian in college?
[01:03:11] Monika says Gunther he says he wants a cappuccino and a biscotti and
[01:03:16] Gunther begrudgingly punches the buttons in the register one biscotti and one cappuccino was that so hard?
[01:03:22] To the Italian and Rachel says oh my god. He's coming over here
[01:03:26] And Phoebe says this is just like one of those pasta commercials
[01:03:29] And Rachel says yeah this time though. It's not just the noodles that are getting wet. Oh
[01:03:35] There's a lot of friends stuff. There's a lot of friends stuff. Seriously, you know, this is I'm telling you
[01:03:40] We'll do a table read for the second half. Yeah, the GV on episode that will happen. Thank you. Thank you so much
[01:03:45] That guy I think he used his asshole bleach to dye his hair. Nice. That's good
[01:03:52] When I get the idea in Rachel's yeah, Rachel says asshole bleach because yes, you know to bleach the asshole
[01:03:57] And then girls are confused and Phoebe says I heard about this. It's an ancient art in India
[01:04:02] They bleach the asshole to channel their inner chakras. It's been imported to Europe
[01:04:07] And Giovanni says to Monica. Anyhow, thank you for helping me. I'm visiting New York
[01:04:11] I don't know really know how to fit in Monica says I can help you fit in and she points her vagina and
[01:04:18] Then Chandler comes up and he goes over a number about 230 so but most of that was in college in a couple of rates. Oh, yeah
[01:04:33] And then Rachel says god damn that that's pretty fun
[01:04:38] Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot I was dealing with modern women who can take everything except compliments and jokes