Cum Town | Premium | 05/01/2017
[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to a comtown USA population.
[00:00:10] I love not having to be the guy that starts it.
[00:00:14] It's nice to be then I just get to pretend I'm a guest.
[00:00:19] It's so much less pressure than having to set the.
[00:00:22] You're a bad guest because we have to introduce you first.
[00:00:27] That's that's my girl that I have a crush on.
[00:00:36] No, stop trying to do a stop trying to do a tribute.
[00:00:40] I'm doing a no hands trip after the after the last episode.
[00:00:45] We recorded naked, so I'm very funny bit where they were
[00:00:48] watching porn together on Nick's phone and then not allowing me to look at.
[00:01:01] It's like, hey, come over and play PlayStation.
[00:01:04] It's like, oh, sorry, we only have two controllers.
[00:01:07] So you're going to have to watch the PlayStation only has like two inputs, right?
[00:01:14] He has four don't the worst was when he has four only has two.
[00:01:17] Your friend had a one player game and he'd tell you to come over and play.
[00:01:20] And then he'd be like, yo, I died too quick.
[00:01:23] Wasn't Nintendo 64 the only one that had four?
[00:01:31] Do you think four is like the standard, but it's not that was an outlier?
[00:01:36] No, and that was what made it fucking cool.
[00:01:42] I just got confirmation that she she's trying to smash.
[00:01:45] She she could potentially be trying to smash me or a friend of ours who has
[00:01:50] much bigger muscles and it's much taller.
[00:01:57] Well, can you just can you preemptively tell her that I can't fuck her?
[00:02:02] You know, I was that's who we're talking about.
[00:02:06] Yeah, together on each other's shoulders.
[00:02:12] Can you imagine stopping Nick in a trench?
[00:02:18] Like, why would you assume that I wouldn't be on the bottom?
[00:02:21] I'm the stronger of the stronger and I'm cuter.
[00:02:37] This might be our final episode before Nick briefly goes to LA to get another surgery.
[00:02:43] On a quick and just a quick jaunt to LA and back.
[00:02:49] That's not that's pretty much the opposite of what's happening with Nick
[00:02:54] It takes multiple surgeries, I guess, to turn a penis into a vagina.
[00:03:00] Especially the bigger dick is the more surgeries it requires.
[00:03:03] The trans doctors were like, we've never seen a case this bad.
[00:03:14] It'd be so funny if one of us at like 4550 just came out as trans.
[00:03:20] I'm going to be one of the first people to get my brain put into a
[00:03:27] By the way, I just want to be shocked if you were a trans.
[00:03:46] Like your face like everyone in your family has the better version of your face.
[00:03:51] I guess the women in your family are much cuter than you.
[00:04:01] But yeah, you would definitely be trans.
[00:04:03] Yeah, my sister, I told her, she sent me a text where she did the face swap and she
[00:04:13] What are you going to do with your robot?
[00:04:15] Dude, if you could, you're just going to be a whole robot or you're going to just have
[00:04:19] You're going to put your brain in there?
[00:04:21] Put my brain in there and then launch the robot into space and then I just drift through
[00:04:31] No, it would actually be a form of torture.
[00:04:32] I would live indefinitely in traveling through an infinite void until I hit a star.
[00:04:43] See I would put myself in a fuck bot, the 6,000.
[00:04:48] Just trying to commit suicide, like looking for a star.
[00:04:59] It's a brain can't see shit without eyes, my man.
[00:05:02] Yeah, but the brain has like the receptors for that.
[00:05:05] So the robot will have like, you know, I'm not.
[00:05:09] Yeah, the robot would have eyes and shit.
[00:05:16] It's the reach new levels of wokeness to drift through space indefinitely.
[00:05:33] Yeah, that's the real opening your church.
[00:05:49] My shoulders killed me because I was fucking, I got this old football injury.
[00:05:57] I recorded a sack on Morgan State University's field.
[00:06:00] Polly was playing Lake Clifton that day.
[00:06:12] I hit this fucking piece of shit with a fucking good ass swim move.
[00:06:18] And then he takes his helmet all the way up to my arm, jams my shoulder up.
[00:06:22] I was supposed to get surgery at the ripe age of 17.
[00:06:25] It's been literally 10 years and I didn't do it.
[00:06:28] And now I hit the gym hard as hell two days ago.
[00:06:31] And it's really fucking, it's been aggravated again since I just lifted too hard.
[00:06:47] So yeah, anyway, so my shoulder really hurts a lot.
[00:06:50] And I'm just trying to figure out what to do with that.
[00:07:00] I'm going to go live in a fucking giant forested gorge.
[00:07:02] Yeah, it's like a, it's like with my fucking robot brain suit.
[00:07:09] Because it would be too distracting to be in the screen saver.
[00:07:15] Yeah, no, there would be a thing in there that made my brain constantly released.
[00:07:21] Oh, so you always feel like you're coming?
[00:07:28] So you have no dick, but you feel like you're coming.
[00:07:32] To get everyone to chop your dick off and still come.
[00:07:38] You know, if you could get those endorphins, I'll chop my dick off.
[00:07:43] Considering that trans surgery is already, like it already violates the Hippocratic oath.
[00:07:48] Without question, everybody sort of accepts that.
[00:07:55] If you, if you requested that like, I want to get the trans surgery, but I refuse any
[00:07:59] kind of, why is it, why is it violating the Hippocratic oath?
[00:08:03] So like if the, thank you, fucking idiot.
[00:08:07] I thought you had like an underlying point there.
[00:08:18] Um, well, it would if that wasn't like a real thing.
[00:08:22] Like if the medical community was like, this isn't, like it would violate the Hippocratic
[00:08:26] oath that to, to, I feel like if somebody was like, I'm transabled, I want you to burn
[00:08:33] If a doctor were to help somebody with that, then that would probably be a violation because
[00:08:37] people don't accept that, even though there is enough people that are, you know, you could
[00:08:44] There was a woman that burned her eyes out with fucking bleach.
[00:08:50] Cause she, was she good at Braille or whatever?
[00:08:52] People just like, identify as handicapped.
[00:08:53] Like they're like, I shouldn't have this fucking leg.
[00:08:58] And they'll like they'll request over and over again that like doctors remove it and doctors
[00:09:04] Cause it's like, you need to see a therapist.
[00:09:05] So you're saying that's what trans people and their dicks are like.
[00:09:11] In order to like transition into therapy.
[00:09:14] The joke that Adam ruined and took us on this detour for no reason.
[00:09:25] If you want, if you requested that they don't do an ascetic because you want to feel the
[00:09:30] surgery and then they're, they'd start cutting your dick off and you just start coming immediately
[00:09:51] You cut your dick off and then come start squirting out of the dick nub.
[00:09:59] Like as you lose your balls, you're already hard as they're like washing their hands.
[00:10:02] So you're sitting there and you're like, oh yeah, baby.
[00:10:04] And the doctor walks over and they're like, did you please stop?
[00:10:07] And then like as soon as he like puts touches the scalpel to your dick, you just start blowing
[00:10:15] Do they stop or do they keep sawing you?
[00:10:22] Once the process starts, I imagine it like that, like that laser table from a gold finger.
[00:10:29] It splits your dick completely in half.
[00:10:34] It's like, I don't want you to talk, Mr. Bond.
[00:10:44] If that's the, just the end is even addressed.
[00:10:51] It's the next time a James Bond movie comes out.
[00:10:53] It'll already be too, too long past since it's just woke to have him be just a black
[00:11:02] So it's E. Giselle, but in the first one, Rachel Dole is all as James Bond.
[00:11:08] Oh fuck, giving a PowerPoint presentation of the different kinds of black hair.
[00:11:20] Looking at a room full of black women and you're just some dumb white bitch from Kansas
[00:11:27] And you're like, here's what black hair like.
[00:11:32] Dose all is the best audacity is her new name.
[00:11:44] Caprice cutless, brah every every like trim level of her and is her whole name.
[00:12:08] I went to school with a girl named De Glorious.
[00:12:25] I just friend Monet who had a friend named I am unique.
[00:12:33] I never met I am unique, but Monet would tell me that.
[00:12:43] There's another kind of person that I find usually is lying.
[00:12:59] I got a hand job for her on the sports field at camp.
[00:13:09] I played kindergarten through like ninth grade.
[00:13:18] Well, no, I just didn't hit puberty and then in ninth grade...
[00:13:29] I could grow a mustache on the sides, but not in the middle.
[00:13:40] I tell you, it is nice to have someone who has a terrible beard to have the best beard
[00:14:04] Ripping them, I'm always having fucking shitty food, dog.
[00:14:08] But yeah, I wish I could have a fucking beard, dude.
[00:14:10] I want to get a beard transplant, get a big fat beard.
[00:14:13] Someone told me I could put Rogan on my face.
[00:14:18] Don't probably give you weird, wispy, like baby hair be like...
[00:14:24] I think beyond hormonal issues, I think it was...
[00:14:27] People say that it's scarring from terrible acne.
[00:14:31] I had really bad acne in 11th and 12th grade.
[00:14:33] I just have these fucking rosy ass cheeks that I've had my whole life.
[00:14:37] I look like a fucking cobbler or in a Disney movie or some shit, dude.
[00:14:40] I look like a helpful fucking character.
[00:14:57] When Max went to 51st jokes three years ago, he was like...
[00:15:00] There was this dude who looked like absolute shit.
[00:15:08] He did some joke about a police brutality, about how...
[00:15:12] And I was like, oh, you said you mean my friend Nick?
[00:15:20] That was the worst beard I have ever seen.
[00:15:27] You're taking good care of yourself now.
[00:15:33] With Chinatown days, you were just like...
[00:15:36] I mean, like, I had some kind of admirer.
[00:15:40] Every day you had a new theory as to why you were dying.
[00:15:45] That's how much I was desperate to not get a real job and just pay normal rent.
[00:15:49] And I would pay $350 a month and like almost die.
[00:15:53] You were perpetually like sick and depressed.
[00:16:08] Not a fucking North Korean prison cell.
[00:16:14] And it's probably shaved like 10 to 15 years off your life.
[00:16:19] But you can probably get one of them mesalthene leoma settlements now.
[00:16:23] No, because I don't think technically you're ever legally living there probably.
[00:16:31] I don't think there was asbestos in there.
[00:16:36] No, I think it was just mold or something.
[00:16:47] You're like these shooting pains from being a fucking warrior.
[00:16:51] So you couldn't play because you were a bitch.
[00:16:53] No, because like I hadn't hit puberty yet.
[00:16:55] And then ninth freshman ball, like everyone goes to the gym.
[00:16:59] Like you start lifting and my body just wasn't there.
[00:17:03] Like I'm pretty, I'm pretty nifty with the gloves still.
[00:17:20] I mean, it was like rough because I went from like beginning elementary school for being
[00:17:27] like outfield like playing like picking flowers kid.
[00:17:30] And then I like took it seriously and then I made it into like middle infield like second
[00:17:36] And then all the all the Gentiles grew and I didn't.
[00:17:44] I played baseball and then I was in the outfield and I never really.
[00:17:48] And I worked real hard and I got good at hitting and then I quit.
[00:18:03] No, that's what I meant by like I worked hard to be able to do that.
[00:18:10] And then it was like, yeah, it's enough for baseball.
[00:18:14] What years is like middle school high school?
[00:18:19] Eighth grade, I had an inside the park job and there was a new Taco Bell that just opened
[00:18:22] up by my house and I asked my dad if we could go to the Taco Bell afterwards and he said
[00:18:27] it's Passover and we can't and I fucking hate him.
[00:18:33] Was he excited for your inside the Parker?
[00:18:36] He said good job, but he didn't get you anything, but he didn't let me go to fucking Taco Bell.
[00:18:42] Yeah, he tried to be an assistant coach for a while until I asked him not to because he
[00:18:53] I was like, yeah, don't don't please don't be an assistant.
[00:18:58] I remember one time my dad came to basketball practice.
[00:19:01] I played in a all Greek Christian basketball league.
[00:19:07] I played in the Greek carpet, the Greek Orthodox youth of America.
[00:19:11] Yeah, it was not a carpet court, but there was a very shitty tile court tile in our
[00:19:25] But we sometimes we play in the church, but yeah, my dad came and he just had never played
[00:19:31] He was like under he would do like that under the hand granny shot.
[00:19:35] It was fucking embarrassing, dude, but he wasn't a fucking but my dad was an athlete.
[00:19:43] What level fucking as high as it gets first division for a soccer pro soccer.
[00:19:51] Actually, he played on a pole on a a pole on a satin now.
[00:20:11] General general, general four star general.
[00:20:37] I played soccer in baseball and I should have kept up with soccer because it's much more
[00:20:42] I, um, did I tell a story about why my JB soccer team got disbanded?
[00:20:50] Yeah, this guy's just fucking, this guy.
[00:20:52] First of all, the coach, the coach, my, my sophomore year of, of, of soccer, uh, was
[00:21:03] I think it was a complete like, uh, like coincidence.
[00:21:08] He was trained to be like a deacon or something.
[00:21:09] He was like going to be a priest and he got him and this guy crazy Tommy.
[00:21:13] Fuckin his, his, like, uh, his partner was this guy crazy Tommy or crazy bill.
[00:21:20] He was some kind of crazy Greek guy and they plan to knock over the church on Holy Week when
[00:21:29] So this guy that was trying to be a priest got arrested, robbing the church for the candle
[00:21:38] He was disgraced and run out of our fucking, uh, community.
[00:21:41] And then he shows up four years later as the coach of my high school soccer team.
[00:21:46] And I just didn't say anything because I was like, Oh, I don't give a fuck really.
[00:21:49] I just, he just knew in the back of, I always had that on him, but I never got to use it
[00:21:56] Uh, he gave him a fucking porno magazine with, with like a DVD in the back.
[00:22:03] This was still like right before the internet.
[00:22:11] Beat not friend found one in the woods.
[00:22:18] He found one and I'm assuming it's other kids.
[00:22:27] You bury a porno DVD in the back of your mind.
[00:22:29] Like a dog burying its bone in Adam's mom.
[00:22:32] Adam's mom fucks dogs, by the way, which was the title of the, the vivid DVD that my
[00:22:40] This dog, this dog goes to Adam's house and it's balancing a pizza on its head.
[00:22:48] Adam's mom answers the door and she's like, come in.
[00:22:50] And your dad's like, whose dog is that?
[00:23:13] That's a porno, your friend found in the woods.
[00:23:18] And then years later you would become friends with Adam.
[00:23:24] I didn't, I, you didn't say the last name.
[00:23:26] So there are a lot of, it's very common name.
[00:23:28] So I didn't know, you know, it could have been Adam anyone.
[00:23:32] Um, anyway, yeah, this fucking JV coach gave the guy porn just to be cool.
[00:23:36] He wasn't even trying to fuck him, which is like, if you're going to get a, give a child
[00:23:42] Imagine being a grown man that needs to give a child.
[00:23:44] I remember, I remember the first time I bought cigarettes for like a, a, a, someone under
[00:23:51] Now I know why people wouldn't do it for me.
[00:23:56] I bought a blunt, these two like girls came up to me in like, nice.
[00:24:01] They were hot and they were like, looking at me, what about enormous tits?
[00:24:05] So, you know, and then she comes up and talks me.
[00:24:11] They must have thought I was hilarious.
[00:24:14] They won't sell them to us because we're under 21.
[00:24:18] And you were like, and you were like, yeah, I can do that, but it ain't going to be free.
[00:24:36] We were hoping some guy from a girl code would be here.
[00:24:44] It's the MTV show for trans people that just want their like, give me the chode.
[00:24:53] That's the only reason I'm kind of transphobic is because I don't think you should have
[00:25:02] One of the balls is like a Reebok pump.
[00:25:10] One of the balls is like an air pump and you squeeze it and it makes it difficult.
[00:25:13] I thought there was a button on your thigh.
[00:25:17] I met some German guy in Greece who told me that.
[00:25:20] Well, there's like a different, the thing is, is like people's idea of how medicine
[00:25:24] works is like that it's, you know, and for the most part it is like a formal process
[00:25:31] But someone had to like come up with the surgery.
[00:25:34] So if the problem is like this is a woman that wants to be a man, like phaloplasty, there's
[00:25:40] just nine different ways that like different doctors have like, yeah, there's different
[00:25:46] So some of them like cut like thigh meat out.
[00:25:51] Well, I thought that they make the clit and the dick head like they interchangeable.
[00:25:55] Because the dick head is like the most sensitive part of the dick.
[00:25:59] So they'll make a dick head into a clit.
[00:26:00] No, still take the lid and it's a clit.
[00:26:03] They'll take the clit and make it into a dick head.
[00:26:10] Like I would get like, I would get like a heart check.
[00:26:14] I would love to be so we could have a heart on.
[00:26:16] I would love to be the discount doctor that like does that surgery.
[00:26:21] And then like it's a woman waking up and she's like, was it a success?
[00:26:26] And then their arm is missing and I've just attached.
[00:26:36] Just a fist with a bunch of rubber bands around it at the end.
[00:26:42] There's this Drew Ball somewhere like he's tied to stapled two fucking tennis balls.
[00:26:52] Just a bunch of plate out of smooth over the head.
[00:27:01] Hey, look, you said you wanted to save the $25.
[00:27:08] You should have gone to somebody that knows what they're doing.
[00:27:14] What kind of balls would you get if you could get any kind of balls?
[00:27:30] I mean if you had grapefruits it would suck, right?
[00:27:32] I mean if you could get a novelty ball.
[00:27:35] Like a, for example, I said magic eight ball.
[00:27:40] Well, how would you see the magic eight?
[00:27:51] Game boys, everything was clear for like three years.
[00:27:57] You could tell when you're about to come.
[00:27:59] I just want to see all the wires and microchips inside of it.
[00:28:36] I don't think I need too many motherfuckers with the green.
[00:28:40] I remember green being my favorite color when I was like five.
[00:28:52] Yeah, I did red because I got red wings.
[00:28:57] I ate bloody pussy when I was three years old.
[00:29:01] His mom was on her fucking period when he was born.
[00:29:12] I like the idea that a pregnant woman is so unperienced.
[00:29:24] Adam's mom went in one time because they thought she was pregnant and having periods.
[00:29:28] And the doctor's like, oh, we figured it out.
[00:29:31] It's actually pasta sauce from that dog that you were fucking.
[00:29:35] Remember the point of you were in, man?
[00:29:38] It's actually just marinara sauce coming out because you were fucking that pizza delivery
[00:29:52] And we're going to go ahead and fuck you now also, ma'am.
[00:29:56] Oh, that's really really disrespectful.
[00:30:14] Whoa, don't take that fucking tone with me, man.
[00:30:17] Yo, stop touching my fucking wires over there.
[00:30:19] I just want to get a plug for my phone.
[00:30:22] I got something like a plug into something.
[00:30:27] Would you literally, if my ass was just pointed at you, would you like, would you root our
[00:30:39] For, first of all, I would lock myself in the captain's quarters.
[00:30:43] I would be protected with all of the jewels.
[00:30:45] If you're in the captain's quarters, I'm just fucking Adam.
[00:30:56] First of all, I come from a long line of Jewish pirates.
[00:31:08] We would test that as you being a sexy woman.
[00:31:22] Like if we're like lost at sea for one week, you'd have to rape.
[00:31:35] I'm just saying that would not be good for our friendship.
[00:31:37] I kind of wanted, we should get a boat.
[00:31:42] We should get a boat and do a contest on the water, dude.
[00:31:47] I've been wanting a boat my whole life.
[00:31:52] I would, I would, I would, I used to hear stories.
[00:31:55] I see your stories about my grandfather.
[00:31:58] All of his buddies from World War II, they'd go out on the boat.
[00:32:03] Just getting away from their cunt wives.
[00:32:15] And he just never, he can never use it.
[00:32:27] But if you get a small boat, it's less maintenance.
[00:32:33] Like something you can put on the trailer,
[00:32:44] Or let's get a big fucking, let's get like an alcamino or a Cadillac or something.
[00:32:49] And do it, realistically though, could we get a boat?
[00:33:01] I have to like, you have to get like a loan.
[00:33:06] But whatever, like, all right, it's fine.
[00:33:07] motorcycle though, I think that's the next vehicle that I get.
[00:33:13] I'm seeing one of these for 300 bucks right now, dude.
[00:33:15] What do you mean with like a big wheel?
[00:33:24] Well, dude, there's boats for like 300, like 300 dollars.
[00:33:27] I definitely think after the divorce, I'm going to be a houseboat guy.
[00:33:36] You know, there's no way I stay married.
[00:33:38] But dude, there's some little ass boats here for like 300 bucks from wholesalemarine.com.
[00:33:49] But we get a boat for less than a grand, dude.
[00:33:53] There's a website called boatsforgrand.com.
[00:33:54] There's some in Dunkirk, Maryland, dude.
[00:34:15] We get three captain's chairs in the back.
[00:34:29] We've said a lot of dumb shit here, right?
[00:34:34] But we get the fucking steering wheel from a ship.
[00:34:44] All the schools in California, and this is years since I read this tidbits.
[00:34:48] I don't know if it's true or not, but there was this company, I think it was called the
[00:34:52] Crown Coach Company, that made all the buses for like California and like the late 60s,
[00:34:58] and they built them so well that they just never broke.
[00:35:02] You just drive them to like a million miles.
[00:35:04] They just break down, and the company basically like put themselves out of business.
[00:35:07] They were too good by making such a good bus.
[00:35:14] The short bus they got for retarded kids.
[00:35:17] No, let's get a little more fun with that, dude.
[00:35:22] We could drive around embarrassing myself.
[00:35:24] We could put beds in the long one and fucking it.
[00:35:30] I want to pick your John Madden on the side.
[00:35:32] But then it says Straight Talk Express.
[00:35:50] No, you're talking a conversion van is what you're saying.
[00:35:54] My friend had a minivan growing up that looked awesome.
[00:35:57] Those vans like people with like parents and wheelchairs always had those vans.
[00:36:10] I do think we should go on the road this fall.
[00:36:13] We should get something to go on the road in.
[00:36:19] All right, I'm going to look at buses now on Craigslist while we're doing the podcast.
[00:36:22] But if we could get a good enough bus, Nick is going to just move out of this place and
[00:36:29] We're going to like lose regard to the bus, dude.
[00:36:40] I heard a story about a friend of ours doing something shitty with an apartment.
[00:36:54] Actually, I legit mean, I don't know what he's talking about.
[00:37:05] You can get one of the Los Angeles trolleys.
[00:37:09] What else do you have to be connected to the tracks?
[00:37:15] $49,000 in her charter bus for $14,000.
[00:37:31] If you're going to go bus, you got to get the biggest damn bus you can.
[00:37:36] We can't park it on a bench style on the street.
[00:37:42] You're allowed to live in the parking lot.
[00:37:43] Also, there's a bus we can park it in Queens.
[00:38:12] But what if like we're going to have to like get acid too, right?
[00:38:17] A 1999 Pre-Vos Le Mirage XL 55 passenger charter coach Diesel Bus for $46,000.
[00:38:35] Is that one of those like a portion shits?
[00:38:51] When my parents moved to this country, they got a...they arrived in Boston and they got a
[00:38:55] win a bago and they drove to LA and they just saw the whole country.
[00:39:00] How much do you think they fucked in that win a bago?
[00:39:04] Probably not that much until they passed Pekko.
[00:39:15] Your mom's just furiously masturbating to 101 donations.
[00:39:25] Your mom's like a different kind of Corella de Vil.
[00:39:39] She's Adam's mom and she wants to fuck dogs.
[00:39:51] It's like a couple...oh, actually, these are pretty expensive.
[00:39:54] You get the win a bago because I thought it was a contest to win a bagel and the prospect
[00:40:14] We're going to get a fucking van or some shit, dude.
[00:40:25] You know what Dan Deacon did when he went on tour, he had a bus.
[00:40:35] If we go on tours, I might smell a bit.
[00:40:56] Dude, Mullen Media's next big purchase, dude.
[00:41:18] In a cab and the cab driver was like...
[00:41:56] Okay, if we're actually talking about what we should do, we should do like just a North...
[00:42:00] Baltimore, DC, Philly, you know, shit like that.
[00:42:15] We each do like 40 minutes or whatever.
[00:42:29] But maybe we should get a mobile studio, dog.
[00:42:45] I think we should get a 77 deville, dude.
[00:42:48] If you have ideas for a mobile studio, let us know.
[00:42:53] If we know any like mechanic kind of bus in virtual.
[00:43:05] All right, so that's like maybe a year of Patreon.
[00:43:08] Okay, we should get a car though and trick it out.
[00:43:13] No, I'm saying we should get a bus that we could sleep in.
[00:43:16] So we don't have to stay in hotels and we save money.
[00:43:24] We just we just want to buy a bus this afternoon.
[00:43:39] Dude, I got to be I'll cancel my plane ticket.
[00:43:43] No, I have to go to LA, but I'm saying we should get the bus.
[00:43:54] I did New Orleans, New Maryland in one day.
[00:44:08] Me and Brandon didn't like three days before.
[00:44:10] Nick and I were going to drive to Vegas almost.
[00:44:15] But you started come town and said it should be the tour.
[00:44:28] We got to bring your mom a bunch of puppies in a bouquet.
[00:44:46] And she likes to talk to where is the goat out of their calm.
[00:44:54] If any of the listeners like this, my mom fucking dogs bit.
[00:44:58] I want you to pound off in the comments.
[00:45:17] I remember like when I remember being real young and that was I remember seeing the commercials
[00:45:21] for them, but they were like plush collectible dogs.
[00:45:23] And they had little bean bag shits in them.
[00:45:30] Because they were like there was like a supposed like a.
[00:45:38] That's the first time they were in Vessner the popular.
[00:45:40] No, at the time people thought they were going.
[00:45:42] If I get that fucking Princess Diana purple rose bear dude.
[00:45:52] Families like ruin their life savings on beanie babies and have like garages full of them
[00:46:02] I'm addicted to this idea of buying cars.
[00:46:05] How much time do you spend the code LA?
[00:46:13] I'm not going to try to fuck that girl that sent that selfie to Amber.
[00:46:17] Adam's trying to have sex with Amber's friend and her name is.
[00:46:28] I'm also trying to have sex with anyone's friend so.
[00:46:34] Did you guys ever see the other sex with so many girls is because I'm not good at sex.
[00:46:38] That's why there's so many different ones.
[00:46:48] Then I go up to them and I'm like have you ever seen.
[00:46:50] This is the most pathetic combo brag I've ever heard of.
[00:47:01] If I was good at sex I'd have one girl friend.
[00:47:10] If this writer strike happens you should fly out to LA and I'll drive the fucking bus back
[00:47:20] First of all I don't think we should get a real bus.
[00:47:31] We got to get the biggest size where you don't need a CDL.
[00:47:36] Anything that's designed to carry more.
[00:47:41] Regardless how many people are in it you need a CDL for.
[00:47:45] I think 16 and under is something we should be looking at.
[00:47:59] For when I go bald and I need a wheelchair.
[00:48:12] I'm never going to dance again because I went bald and now I can't fucking, there's
[00:48:21] Not really but I like to get loose when I'm a little bit dancing.
[00:48:24] And I hate when people think that I actually like dancing but I'm too afraid to come out
[00:48:31] It's like no I just don't like fucking dancing.
[00:48:34] I brought my dick up against butt cheeks.
[00:48:48] I like to dance if I'm around butt cheeks.
[00:48:53] A dog in a bow tie was spotted on a flight.
[00:49:00] He's going to try and propose to your mom.
[00:49:12] She can't live her wildest fantasies in dreams.
[00:49:26] The dog got big on Twitter because some fucking journalist took the picture and then
[00:49:31] captioned it seriously American Airlines.
[00:49:37] He was bitchy about a really cute dog being awesome dude.
[00:49:40] Yeah it's service edible that was there to help their odor.
[00:49:44] Well I mean it was probably some rich asshole that like.
[00:49:46] Does your mom consider them service animals?
[00:49:54] Guys when the recording button stops the respect begins.
[00:50:01] That's the blind girl that Adam fucked on the last episode.
[00:50:11] The dog was gone because Adam's mom was fucking it.
[00:50:14] He was in the mall next to some blind girl.
[00:50:19] And that's very convenient because they just hang out.
[00:50:43] I tapped him on the shoulder and he didn't know who I was.
[00:50:46] Yeah dude you don't look like everyone on the G train.
[00:50:50] You know what that stands for right G train?
[00:51:03] I love this bit that we just set up where that I consent to.
[00:51:06] Why are you just staring at yourself in the mirror?
[00:51:09] Why do you want to know if this out is working around?
[00:51:13] You're wearing two different striped shirts.
[00:51:26] Yeah I'm wearing all gray because I'm dark dude.
[00:51:31] It's when you're an adult but you still want to be goth.
[00:51:39] You don't hate your parents anymore you just hate yourself.
[00:51:44] You're doing a shitty job of taking care of yourself.
[00:51:48] You're doing as shitty a job as your parents did.
[00:52:05] Anything else that she does really well?
[00:52:09] Because if you can't think of it you know I'm going to ask next.
[00:52:14] Okay if you don't answer correctly I'm going to ask Nick and I think he's going to have
[00:52:20] What do you think your mom also is good at?
[00:52:23] Well first of all you neither have met my mother.
[00:52:26] Nick what is some stuff that asks the question.
[00:52:42] Now anyway Nick what is it that I'm talking about.
[00:52:51] How about like a turn in the century English painting of a bunch of dogs sitting around
[00:52:55] the table and they're wearing bowling hats but then they're all just fucking out his
[00:53:07] She was actually going to be one of South Africa's first female news anchors.
[00:53:25] They have an all dog news channel in South Africa.
[00:53:30] They don't have that and they didn't have that.
[00:53:33] Dude whatever man stop talking about your swag.
[00:53:34] Why are you always talking about your mom.
[00:53:35] Let's talk about that van we're going to find.
[00:53:40] The boat would be cool but we decided it's too much maintenance.
[00:53:44] Yeah boat is like and also you know when you're in the middle of the ocean and everything's
[00:54:07] I mean you gotta go like real early in the morning.
[00:54:09] You go early you bring a 30 rack you just fucking sick.
[00:54:22] I wish I could do a perfect Homer impression.
[00:54:25] I can just get the role of Homer and be paid 80 million dollars a year.
[00:54:36] March you know I have my dick sucking classes later in the evening.
[00:55:33] That was probably one of the good parts of this episode.
[00:55:35] The whole episode has been really funny.
[00:55:37] You know what I heard the other day it worked from Lenny and Carl?
[00:55:43] March did you know that Adam's mom fucks dogs?
[00:55:50] Oh Barney it's he's the guy that fucks dogs.
[00:56:00] Hey Homer what do you know about that guy Adam?
[00:56:15] Yeah I could do what impressions can you do?
[00:56:27] I could do Tim Gunn from America's next time.
[00:56:52] You could do um you could do that impression of George W. Bush right?
[00:57:01] George you know Adam Adam's mom fucks dogs.
[00:57:07] You have to distance yourself from Barney to get back in there.
[00:57:13] Or I heard it work today from Barney my friend at Adam's mom fucks dogs.
[00:57:31] It's one of the episodes where he was trying to get his life together.
[00:57:40] I'm imagining what if the Simpsons characters lived in real life in the real world where
[00:57:45] your mom has sex with dogs and they were reacting to it.
[00:57:53] Of course Nick you would be so mean to me if I made that mistake.
[00:57:57] Because you would you would be like Barney doesn't work in the fucking play fucking asshole.
[00:58:06] I'm reading this shit off stuff people send me to read.
[00:58:09] First of all this is all being sent off on these scripts for this week's episode.
[00:58:22] Our entire writing staff first of all I've said this before.
[00:58:25] And I don't want to silence their voices.
[00:58:30] You don't know how incredibly difficult it is to tell them they're wrong.
[00:58:34] I know and I didn't want to say that I thought it was a little tasteless to spend 80% of
[00:58:39] this episode talking about the fact that my Bob the fact talking about the fact that
[00:58:43] the fact that you're talking about talking about you're a you're a thing.
[00:58:47] Talking about the absolute true lies lie that all these women of color made up I tell
[00:58:53] I did tell them one time that the Jefferson's was an all in the family spin off and the
[00:58:57] entire room turned into a bunch of whooping cranks.
[00:59:03] I think it's important to have women of colors voices heard in comedy like this one.
[00:59:09] Like Barry Gummel famously voiced by a black woman by Monique actually.
[00:59:15] And I think that if anyone is offended by anything that is said on the book.
[00:59:23] If you're offended you fucking snowflake loser get back to your safe slate.
[00:59:38] I saw Will Menaker standing up while he was making choppa.
[00:59:47] Brandon Wardell stands up and he does comedy because he saw Will Menaker doing.
[00:59:55] He just he just heard a joke that we do.
[01:00:06] We got to get a fucking car or a van or a bus.
[01:00:16] What we need is something where players.
[01:00:18] It's very it's very spacious up front and it's very spacious for both the guy in the
[01:00:27] front driving and the guy in shotgun and in the back.
[01:00:35] You want a you want an El Dorado from 76 or before or a deville that's like 73 to 75
[01:00:46] I think because those are the ones with the Cadillac 500 in it.
[01:00:52] Oh that's the biggest engine they ever made.
[01:00:56] If we're going to take this on the road.
[01:00:58] Yeah but that's why you get a cat or a one gas you know the saying.
[01:01:20] Do you think that people got the G boat?
[01:01:27] I've just been thinking about it all week and seeing like what was so magical about
[01:01:35] What are we talking about our own bits on the fucking box?
[01:01:37] Nobody told me they thought it was funny.
[01:01:41] Everyone I'm like dude you got to hear the last two minutes.
[01:01:44] It's the funniest shit we've ever done.
[01:01:49] Yeah I mean I've had this problem where I've been enjoying doing the show more and it's
[01:01:55] I think you really do like doing content.
[01:01:58] Now yeah because it's been a sweet release from like having responsibilities.
[01:02:06] Well I can't wait until I live on a berry farm where I just walk around eating berries off
[01:02:12] I don't need to maintain any of the bushes.
[01:02:21] Blueberries, raspberries, strawberries.
[01:02:53] Just like jiggling as he's like violently fucking her.
[01:02:59] Because I was like oh I want to see Hallie Berry get fucked real hard.
[01:03:01] Yeah but you still got to see Hallie Berry get fucked.
[01:03:03] Yeah but Billy Bob's ass really takes me out.
[01:03:05] Do you guys want to watch Bad Santa after this?
[01:03:11] I think we should get on this van dude.
[01:03:18] You just want to go get some food and talk about this bus.
[01:03:19] Oh stop are you producing this episode?
[01:03:22] You got to keep a fucking track of how much time we've done.
[01:03:25] Well I was first of all I was wrapping up but then we got into some great stuff about
[01:03:31] But guys thank you so much for listening to Comptown.
[01:03:35] I'm probably going to fuck up and lose all these episodes.
[01:03:41] If this drops the next one which I probably won't.
[01:03:53] Connor and Malice there this month and Joe Firestone.