Cum Town | Premium | 05/22/2017
[00:00:00] so we're getting seafood after this and a big debate folks is hush puppies seafood
[00:00:05] or barbecue it's barbecue barbecue dude what's I've never had barbecue with seafood
[00:00:09] I've only never had hush puppies with barbecue no I've only had it with
[00:00:13] I've only had the hush puppies at seafood restaurants with what fucking red lobster
[00:00:17] they have hush puppies that's just that's just not a seafood restaurant yeah it's
[00:00:20] not a seafood restaurant yeah red lobster is gonna see food you know what I mean
[00:00:24] it fucking sucks it's a fast food at like a good seafood restaurant yeah I
[00:00:29] had a fucking mermaid with a kid's out on the wall or something like that yeah
[00:00:31] if we go to a place I need to get the bib I want the bib baby and I'm gonna
[00:00:35] strip down just to my underpants what the fuck is the hammer for the little
[00:00:38] wooden for crabs I've never used anything other than I've cracked a little claw
[00:00:41] I've done with a hammer yeah how would that work I've never seen fucking
[00:00:46] cracked the claw I've never used the hammer what do you do you unhinged the
[00:00:49] break it yeah you suck yeah you could do that or I just bite into the claw with
[00:00:54] my dad's fucking wild dude why bite into the claw you just spit out the shelves
[00:00:58] that's disgusting that's some fucking that's garbage yeah like garbage white
[00:01:04] trash hobo shit that's water Billy shit no it's just a much better way to eat
[00:01:11] the crabs shells with your tea your delicate beautiful chomper I don't have
[00:01:15] delicate teeth because I get enough calcium I also do resistance training
[00:01:20] so on your teeth you do a tea squad take a bunch of steroids and chew gum and
[00:01:26] chewn pebbles and shit fuck hello everyone welcome back to come town yeah
[00:01:30] the boys are back in or the Nick is back in town the Nick is back in town well
[00:01:35] we're all back the boys collected boys are back in town and yeah we've been
[00:01:41] just hanging wait for these batteries to charge you missed a lot of good riffs
[00:01:45] guys yeah I'm kind of tired now I'm tired like we are we're already in the
[00:01:49] second we got here we would have had some good stuff actually are you guys
[00:01:52] down and take a break while I get another coffee I'm done yeah so guys we'll be
[00:01:56] right back I kind of want to talk to you about it I also got to take a shit
[00:02:02] for listening stay tuned we'll be back next week I didn't know you're about to
[00:02:08] start recording like that like it even fucking matters the two-minute episode
[00:02:12] spectacular no that's good yes what do we have let's try to recreate all that
[00:02:17] magic me Dana we're laughing about like I know I've been leaning on just
[00:02:21] talking about the Simpsons a lot last couple of the way the episodes without
[00:02:26] me and Adam non-canonical for everyone listening yeah yeah those are those are
[00:02:29] those are not canon it's a different friend although I am technically the
[00:02:33] Jamel and I'm one hundred percent Jamel no you don't have that cool hip-hop
[00:02:37] street urban high first of all Jamel me and Jamel are the black and white
[00:02:42] versions of each other respectively yeah and you and Dana have the same you're
[00:02:46] both you're both Jewish women yeah did you bring up when Jamel was on the show
[00:02:50] of the original stings of comedy I think so maybe yeah Nick and I and Jamel we're
[00:02:55] in there we're gonna we're the original WCW stings of comedy we're gonna put
[00:03:00] sting makeup on our face it up go wear 12 button eggplant suits and be the
[00:03:05] original stings of comedy fuck yeah dude yeah what it ruled I remember eggplant
[00:03:10] suits well you know like the state how does that doesn't fit in though you got
[00:03:14] to be just like sting Adam yeah well I thought it was like the sting makeup
[00:03:17] with Kings of comedy like no no well that's I mean it's fun I complicated
[00:03:22] well what makes it of comedy jokes yeah you're doing comedy you're dressed like
[00:03:27] sting and you're doing already it's just a picture the idea is just us
[00:03:31] dressing up for a picture and then putting the words whole tour I guess if
[00:03:36] we did a whole tour that be chill do you remember when Sting was wearing that
[00:03:40] mask and then he took this he was wearing a sting mask and it was a
[00:03:43] stinging posture and then he because there was a stinging posture and then he
[00:03:46] took it off and it was sting wearing the sting makeup very cool very cool that's
[00:03:50] for all you wrestling fans listening to the show I thought sting was so cool
[00:03:55] when I was a kid I did too the way he fucks for like eight days in a row
[00:03:59] tantric sex yeah that's because he has a small dick right that's what I think
[00:04:03] you said that out of previous at but it's true yeah how do you know sting has a
[00:04:07] small bit really TMZ got this scoop dude I don't like any sting music until the
[00:04:13] late 90s like North Africa black Hawk down music yeah I think socks dude
[00:04:26] and stay in the police suck I'll do one is every breath you take is a is is a
[00:04:32] Prince song it's a cover of a Prince song no or did Prince cover that from the
[00:04:38] police maybe Prince did whatever dude I'm I don't know Prince Prince wrote half
[00:04:42] of all the songs that were on the radio in between like 1977 and 2000 yeah
[00:04:47] nothing compares to you the Shenandoah Conner songs Prince mm-hmm well he also
[00:04:52] know I mean he like wrote a shit ton of music for other people yeah yeah yeah
[00:04:55] so not just covers but he's a virtuoso yeah yeah French fucking rules a Mozart
[00:05:01] of this time fuck did he had like eyelash fake eyelashes on any fuck the best
[00:05:05] looking women on earth is that your goal yes dude I was five I left he was also
[00:05:10] like 5 to huh yeah it was 5 to any could hoop yeah he could know it's like true
[00:05:15] that like Charlie Murphy thing is completely true he played high school
[00:05:18] basketball yeah I'm just a good Charlie Murphy also dead RIP RIP all right P
[00:05:24] alright P I've nothing Cornell Chris Cornell and Roger Ailes what a weird
[00:05:29] pairing same day same was like within an hour yeah yeah I'm not like a big sound
[00:05:36] garden guy everyone was like fucking waxing poetic about sound garden that
[00:05:41] day is that black hole son yeah just butt rock dude just ask rock rock
[00:05:46] you know I got bad what do you I've ever got into it what do you mean by
[00:05:50] all this way it's not bad either that's what that's what I class I a lot of that
[00:05:54] music it's bad is that we're saying just butt rock butt rock would mean there's
[00:05:58] ashes involved like I hear butt rock I'm thinking about the crew you know I
[00:06:03] mean there's fucking talking about on the rock doesn't mean that they're
[00:06:06] on a boat it does it conjures the image of you're on a boat well this
[00:06:10] conjures the image of an ass taking a shit to me okay whatever okay you're
[00:06:15] talking shit on sound dead man a man that just fucking died show some fucking
[00:06:19] respect okay I'm sorry I think Sean Sean Hannity saying that about Roger Ailes
[00:06:23] like yeah yeah please have some respect literally like seven hours prior to that
[00:06:28] he was like Seth Rich's family their liars yeah they're they're yeah he
[00:06:34] also exploiting with a him or him or a Riley were like everyone saying mean
[00:06:40] things is what killed Roger it was actually all the S's son said that you
[00:06:46] see Roger Ailes is Roger Ailes somehow has like a 14 year old son which means
[00:06:51] like Roger Ailes was 96 years old when he came in a woman and made that boy
[00:06:56] that's disgusting yeah what is it like stoke he's dead like a damage is done and
[00:07:01] be he made it to like 103 years old yeah he like yeah it's not like oh we got
[00:07:07] a lot of their karma is not real the teenage of course not the teenage son
[00:07:11] was like I will hunt down and destroy all of the women I will hunt down and make
[00:07:17] all the women look at my penis I will rape my role rape all of these women to
[00:07:23] prove that my father is in a senior the e-hales name
[00:07:28] dude that sucks that guy is so such a cartoonish like who does that kind of
[00:07:34] shit it's just so fat ugly dude he's the best not a sexy fact he looks a lot like
[00:07:38] the the Russian ambassador who met with Trump kids live that guy looks like if
[00:07:45] they cast the Russian ambassador kiss my dick kiss my dick yeah kiss lick kiss
[00:07:50] little dicky Alexi kiss my dick yeah that guy looks like
[00:07:55] that's not Russian at all you know I kiss my dick that's so funny that that's
[00:08:00] a Russian name sir gay like a fucking like a fucking gay night
[00:08:08] you fucking idiots hashtag resist that bitch sir gay King Arthur what like
[00:08:16] I'm so nice to the round hole to the brown hole round table round table
[00:08:27] there's the tables covered in shit because you fucked a lot of guys in the
[00:08:30] ass on top oh yeah well we're singing came a lot inside yeah and now we're
[00:08:37] rolling boys all right we're getting there oh yeah I saw the new King Arthur
[00:08:42] movie of the guy where she wanted shit with it like where they East London King Arthur
[00:08:46] yeah he was wearing like a bomber jacket like guy fucking Jude Law was
[00:08:52] like the king and like the evil gay king but he wasn't gay enough for me first
[00:08:56] of all he's got a young pope be caddy and gay and he was just wearing a suit
[00:09:01] like everyone else addressed his presence then he's just wearing like a
[00:09:04] tailored like H&M fucking suit and shit it's like I've been bragging cocaine
[00:09:09] from North Africa for the last 10 years and they were was that Michael Kane yeah
[00:09:13] trying to be like an East London guy rich and there was no titties in it
[00:09:16] which is wild you can't have a movie like that with no titties it's like life
[00:09:20] is like a it's like a cake with multiple layers okay and that is the name of
[00:09:25] this movie okay layer cake it's just a layer on top of a layer sort of like
[00:09:31] an onion why are you going back to Michael Kane you've been practicing
[00:09:37] this Michael Kane impression since you stole it from the tour and it's not
[00:09:41] working monster brush monster brush the house is a mess no keep doing it we got
[00:09:50] your new car it's cold yeah is that a deaf British guy deaf Australian guys
[00:09:58] I'm an impersonator yeah I don't know I have been leaning on that Homer
[00:10:03] impression yeah you got a good and you're just good though I wanted to do we
[00:10:07] made a day in her laughing about like season 35 of the Simpsons it's just
[00:10:10] Homer sitting there and he goes Marge remember that time that mr. Burns
[00:10:15] adopted Bart that's Homer I remember it and he just remembers episodes of the
[00:10:20] show that's awesome recounts them on the couch that's great until they put
[00:10:24] Homer down they use the euthanizer mm-hmm home ah this my mo yeah ah geez no
[00:10:31] I was doing it on the walk over deal yeah I've done it before I can only do
[00:10:36] Ralph that's it yeah we're also doing we're trying to do a hybrid like done
[00:10:39] dollcomer uh-huh should be fun like yeah Marge Marge Marge I was wondering if
[00:10:47] we could go to mace for dinner time I left a floater in the toilet Marge I
[00:10:59] don't know which part of the toilet the shit in I should it in the top part no
[00:11:06] day who really works that's the best way to do I left a photo in the time I
[00:11:15] work at the nuclear power plant it's hard to yeah come on two of them yeah
[00:11:20] stuff man we do do like a do like a Chinese Homer I finally yeah finally yeah
[00:11:28] Chinese Jewish Homer my name is a hermarsimson homosimson homos
[00:11:38] game homosimson yeah deep tighties and over Simpson well he's already yellow
[00:11:47] he's got to do some I work on the hill and he's basically there yeah
[00:11:53] just get a little I smudge the corners of those eyes Matt granny he's got those
[00:11:58] I went to this Thai restaurant the other night this was to be like the best
[00:12:01] Thai restaurant in Los Angeles and I guess like Matt graining goes there pretty
[00:12:06] often so there's all these like Simpson's drawing signed by him and he just
[00:12:11] cannot draw the Simpsons he's like really fucking bad and I saw he's like
[00:12:16] like I love Thai food you know I was like Homer you know but it's like it
[00:12:21] looks like a five-year-old drew all those he is I like to imagine him like
[00:12:26] just coming in there completely drunk yeah you are drawing apart I'll draw
[00:12:33] for you no do their face some other guy Thomas Thomas Crown affair came in
[00:12:38] there sold a real mad greening once I just watched that movie recently Thomas
[00:12:42] Crown affair not good I haven't seen that I haven't seen that here I remember
[00:12:47] it being about like art theory but most of it is sort of a romance with a fucking
[00:12:53] Renee Russo on a private island and then at the very end it goes back and steals
[00:12:57] one more painting movie entrapment yeah the ass part yeah the laser as part oh
[00:13:03] hell yeah is that Catherine'sated Jones which does that whole shit when we
[00:13:06] talking about on the show one time is managing Lindy West trying to break into
[00:13:10] somewhere and going through a laser grid and just setting off all the lasers
[00:13:15] just like I got this they were a cartwheel the rope they're trying to
[00:13:25] rappel her down with just snaps but was even gets down there yeah it's like a
[00:13:30] mission impossible it's just melted water dripping all over the keyboard
[00:13:33] he alarms going off the whole fucking great the whole fucking just no things
[00:13:39] and falls down this is security guard outside the safe room he's like
[00:13:47] someone making corn dogs suppose like someone left baloney out on the porch
[00:13:57] ruff fuck yeah that's good yeah I forget the context of that it doesn't need any
[00:14:03] yeah it's a fat joke yeah absolutely we need fat shaming is because it's you
[00:14:09] know plug and play absolutely you can put it in that it applies to every type of
[00:14:14] fat person mm-hmm yeah except the muscular alpha ones yeah like the
[00:14:19] which ones that like the fantastic people say like you know non-existent but they
[00:14:25] actually in their heart really respect them and look up to them like those
[00:14:28] guys about who you guys know the guys I'm talking about like which guys you know
[00:14:32] you know in fact I really respect Kevin James yeah exactly yeah I model myself
[00:14:40] after Kevin James he has a really under-appreciated comedic pairing with
[00:14:44] Adam Sandler I'm a Kevin James Adam Sandler would be a pologist I think
[00:14:48] they're pretty like Chuck and Larry they're gay together hilarious he's not
[00:14:52] he's not a bad stand-up comic yeah the phone bit is great the phone bits great
[00:14:58] the fucking the bank line bits great he got to shake your balls out when they
[00:15:02] it's all like very solid observational yeah I kind of jacked for an MMA movie
[00:15:06] that's that's my that's my real fitness goals what was that was that play it's
[00:15:10] the bone no that's a boxing and Rosario Dawson's his wife or the lady
[00:15:15] he's my dream which would be cool my queen to have sex with her I wonder if
[00:15:21] this like having to change your body dramatically for a role thing is gonna
[00:15:26] end anytime soon not dude that's a classic everyone it's not really a
[00:15:30] classic I mean De Niro did it and then no one else did it for like a decade
[00:15:33] did still a still own no he did that's it doesn't count if you're just a guy
[00:15:38] that's alone is really but if you have here's a guy that likes working out like
[00:15:43] Hugh Jackman everyone's like look how Jack he got for over no he didn't he just
[00:15:46] oh he just had an excuse does steroids and works out all the time yeah and
[00:15:49] avoids his wife and yeah I mentioned it before but when the guy did the
[00:15:54] Mitch the Mac and the mechanism oh yeah the machine bail does that shit all the
[00:16:00] time yeah he loves to get skinny yeah he did that for rescue donny any like
[00:16:04] kind of phones it in and movies like he's not a particularly good actor doesn't
[00:16:07] learn the words he was good as shit in that fucking boxing movie yeah the
[00:16:13] fight fighter fighter rule that was great because you like had that whole
[00:16:17] like junkie thing where they're like so excited about something but you can't
[00:16:21] really tell what their yeah yeah energy that's a lot of you had all the test
[00:16:27] Austro and sucked out of his body for Empire of the Sun so that he could play
[00:16:31] a child yeah he was 32 years old in that movie yeah cool yeah they had he had
[00:16:37] extreme surgery to make himself for 11 that's right yes that had
[00:16:43] electrolysis to remove all his body all the hair that's smooth that's commitment
[00:16:48] so it crafts mm-hmm I would get smooth for a craft I would get smooth as
[00:16:52] you get smooth for a craft man a friend like a running cheese yeah my
[00:16:59] pubes and get raped for a sweet bite of that mac and cheese we should if you
[00:17:03] still have that gay Instagram account we should it was not gay a craft bath
[00:17:07] where I think by the way I don't like cheese I'm gonna tease this coming back
[00:17:12] just gonna be a comeback soon just watch it's just gonna get banned again I don't
[00:17:16] you know I don't think so why what you you didn't deserve to get better
[00:17:19] harassment I don't know what the fuck I have someone report me for harassment I
[00:17:22] never harassed anyone but there was no evidence of their haters dude the haters
[00:17:25] got me that's it you I was too I was too it really is I mean I hate to go down
[00:17:31] this line but like hog girls show everything but the nipple all the time on
[00:17:35] that website I know I'm being persecuted I an Instagram taken down it's because
[00:17:39] you were sarcastically being fat I was not being sarcastic you were like
[00:17:44] sarcastically being I was a body body body expert no you're an advocate I was an
[00:17:50] advocate for body positive beautiful angel heroes first of all no one here
[00:17:54] beat off to more body positive models the reason the reason it's for sure the
[00:17:57] reason it's harassment is because everyone knows body positivity is
[00:18:00] bullshit and it's like the idea behind it is so fucking thin that all it takes
[00:18:05] is a fat man was not saying oh I'm being body positive I was being like oh you're
[00:18:10] gonna hurt these women's feelings and we all have to pretend like whatever
[00:18:12] dude how many times you beat off to Ashley Graham which ones that the fucking
[00:18:16] shit about how about that what is that like the gram how about that huh
[00:18:23] whoo that's pretty good that's your name Ashley Graham who might think you
[00:18:29] have right now oh Lindsey Graham the game guys because you're the best dude
[00:18:37] you think about the Senate was 100 Lindsey Graham you're thinking about the
[00:18:41] closet you want to guys what you're thinking about the gram you want to
[00:18:45] fuck the most oh he's the best you want to fuck Graham Norton out of it you
[00:18:49] would you're Graham Norton are gonna hold hands and go shopping dude Graham
[00:18:53] nor is all the Graham and he died of AIDS so long ago I didn't know that dude
[00:19:00] thank you yeah he's there's a lot of technology on that show low-key CGI that
[00:19:05] you know people aren't really a hip to oh yeah I only knew about that show
[00:19:10] because it was on BBC America Graham Norton I am no one in the States really
[00:19:16] knows nice famous is he famous yeah I would say so why is that other British
[00:19:21] guy the fucking carpool carrier why that guy James Corin's corner why do they
[00:19:26] choose him to be the British guy there was already a British guy who he
[00:19:30] replaced your days you replaced no you place Ferguson who will Ferguson rules
[00:19:34] I love Ferguson's like a he didn't give a fuck dude he didn't give a fuck probably
[00:19:37] fucked up I liked that that was the show like that's probably the worst
[00:19:41] credit you can have as a comic to do Ferguson doing Ferguson they were
[00:19:44] pre-taped weren't they they were pre-taped they would tape like three of
[00:19:47] them at a time or something yeah everyone would bomb yeah like it hurts
[00:19:53] your career right right right yeah I blew this what could have been a Conan
[00:19:59] set right right right Ferguson that no did anybody watch Ferguson but not only
[00:20:04] did Gordon Gordon's like doing well but they I think they did a spin-off of the
[00:20:09] carpool karaoke or the rap battle thing is its own show now it's like in
[00:20:14] development yeah they were they were of course you don't need writers for that
[00:20:18] they they do they absolutely need writers for it to write the karaoke
[00:20:22] songs rap battles oh rap battles I wasn't listening to you rap battles is
[00:20:27] Jimmy oh no I thought it was Jimmy no I think it was a YouTube channel at first
[00:20:32] you write is crap historical rap battles no no no they did they did fucking dance
[00:20:38] the dance or the lip sync dance off or whatever the lip sync suck off that would
[00:20:43] be a good show was he at Carlton was hosting that no it was LL cool J oh well
[00:20:48] who come on dude Carl can was hosting one of those type you know we I think
[00:20:53] they should have done is every big Will Smith movie from the 90s they should
[00:20:58] they didn't do that men in black didn't have Tommy Lee Jones will Smith and then
[00:21:04] Carl Carlton on the cover but then they photoshopped him to be maybe like just
[00:21:09] a little bit smaller than he is aspect ratios off he's just standing next to
[00:21:15] them but he's five four five four yeah but you've got to fuck up to proportions
[00:21:19] yeah it looks up a little bit more looks sort of oh it looks weird that's what
[00:21:27] I want you know the best part of the first the last man on earth except for
[00:21:31] Carlton who's also there Carlton played the dog yeah that's you think it was a
[00:21:35] different movie put Carlton's face on the dog the pursuit of happiness Carlton
[00:21:41] is a little boy no there's still the little boy what part of this you got
[00:21:45] a bad you're a fucking idiot Carlton just add Carlton to the movie you don't
[00:21:50] fundamentally change what I want to see everything recast with Carlton in it I
[00:21:55] don't want to recast any oh you want to do it like George Lucas style like
[00:21:58] change it like in post you add Carl no not change it in post talk so one to one
[00:22:04] you're just talking for shock posters remake oh he's in every car Alton as a
[00:22:10] character at every one of them is he in every shot he's in the movie so I mean
[00:22:14] no like some of the scenes like just like any character in a movie but he's
[00:22:19] got to be like minor enough that he doesn't change the plot you could do that
[00:22:23] with any movie there's not a single movie that would be ruined by adding
[00:22:26] Carlton Banks as a character would it be Alonzo what's his name Alonzo
[00:22:31] hamburger Jones Alon Alfonso Rivera Alfonso Rivera yeah not Alonzo
[00:22:37] hamburger Joe not your own joke no my joke not the thing that you said to get
[00:22:45] wrong and then make the party the other way Alfonso hamburger Jones no Alonzo
[00:22:53] Rivera do you think he would he be playing Carlton Banks yeah where would
[00:22:58] it just be him as an actor they would be Carlton the character and oh he
[00:23:03] knows dancing with the stars that's what he hosts yeah oh does he yeah he's a
[00:23:08] game show host now I would let you we should do a game show how about dancing
[00:23:12] with the Alonzo hamburger well that's funny right that's my joke yeah
[00:23:18] Alonzo hamburger that's you say one thing and then wait that's not right oh
[00:23:23] whoops sorry I'm not dancing with the stars but what if it was that's hilarious
[00:23:28] I said it it's fun to say things in a media laugh at them as if you're
[00:23:37] reminiscing about a fun joke we all did together what are you talking about
[00:23:41] I think you fucked up I didn't literally 40 seconds ago oh my god close to Alonzo you
[00:23:47] laughed so hard in your own shit I did not laugh fuck you're gonna take over
[00:23:53] the podcast by presenting all your jokes is a pretty brilliant ideas you
[00:23:59] got force your way up to the top it's not gonna happen of this yeah I don't know
[00:24:05] but these are these are weak ass power I know it's the kind of thing a woman does in an office
[00:24:12] I'm here till six every day I could be in charge of the birthdays from now on
[00:24:17] yeah oh HR department Adam well I'll be doing the calendars history well I would
[00:24:26] like excuse me don't touch the microwave I make the popcorn I've actually got a
[00:24:31] I'm getting all three of us fit bits and we're gonna do a steps challenge I was
[00:24:36] thinking about getting an apple watch an apple watch yeah could you do a steps
[00:24:41] challenge you know so I can look at my text messages like this and so I'm
[00:24:45] pulling my phone everyone he's he's looking at his wrist can you watch movies
[00:24:48] on the Apple watch you absolutely you totally cannot do that you watch like
[00:24:58] Apple watch edition costs $1200 that's hilarious and all it is is so you can
[00:25:03] look at text messages well you can't even be off with it yeah you can put it
[00:25:08] around your dick and then use the haptic feedback you just got make people text
[00:25:13] you until you see you text joke the 48279 wait until the crazy frog makes your
[00:25:18] dick come how does it count steps if it's on your wrist the iPhone count steps
[00:25:24] and that's in your pocket and then it sends it to the because the watch doesn't
[00:25:28] work without the iPhone yeah yeah it's like a small really for your iPhone what
[00:25:32] the fuck is the point of that thing literally I don't even stand alone piece of
[00:25:36] technology no it's like oh I'm still I'd fuck that dude fuck watches yeah fuck
[00:25:42] watches in general I'm out on watch the main selling point of the Apple watch
[00:25:46] really though is that it keeps you from like staring at your phone too much but
[00:25:50] Apple can't say that because they don't want to be like yeah our other technology
[00:25:54] is fucking like an addictive mind parasite right right and so we've developed
[00:25:58] a better for it that you have to pay an additional $400 for that shit sucks
[00:26:03] dude fuck that yeah so you think an Apple what what should be the next big
[00:26:08] purchase though dude yeah getting a mini keyboard so I can get into beats that's
[00:26:14] awesome Apple while just makes beats I'm actually not gonna buy anything I'm
[00:26:17] gonna dude what about that van or are you done buying things yeah I've been
[00:26:21] done buying things since I got the PlayStation there's been no reason to
[00:26:24] buy anything I'm gonna get fresh to death dude I'm gonna fuck up my whole
[00:26:27] word I've been buying too many shoes yeah I find deals dude and what can I say
[00:26:32] how you have how do you have your shoes in your room you just have them like a
[00:26:35] long a wall I have too many shoes I have a shoe tree or whatever the fuck it's
[00:26:39] called really shoe rack a rack you get one of those things from outside the
[00:26:45] ball pit hell yes oh that would be awesome like cubbies yeah I want a big
[00:26:50] ass cubby and I want to make my room a ball pit fuck it you should have cubbies
[00:26:54] in here in this apartment like people were surprised that Michael Jackson was a
[00:27:01] yeah places for kids really is like me most right I have a box where phones
[00:27:08] turn off and satellite signals get scrambled we're gonna have a naked room
[00:27:13] where kids can just be themselves they can go in there and maybe we can find
[00:27:19] out of a four-year-old can come I told you guys that that story that that that
[00:27:23] made at Neverland Ranch who said that you would shoot on the floor yeah
[00:27:30] everyone's heard that story that's not your story that's a thing that was on
[00:27:33] the news it wasn't on the news you just knew I was about to say that on the news
[00:27:44] oh god was that on hardball yeah he's on TMZ I love the respect what's that TMZ
[00:27:55] guys named Harvey Larry he's a jacked like 69 year old gay guy yeah oh he's a
[00:28:03] shit you might be the worst fucking person in Los Angeles which is like that
[00:28:07] is that's a real title that is like he's like 67 68 years old and he's just his
[00:28:13] whole life is like Justin and Selena are they back or they not yeah and then they
[00:28:20] cut do you think Taylor's gonna take back Harry Styles and then they cut to
[00:28:23] that California surfer dude in the TMZ office surfer dude and then the dreadlock
[00:28:27] guy yeah yeah I got this scoop it's on like unlike Fox in the middle of the day
[00:28:34] that show yeah and it's really a show that's pretending to be a show like
[00:28:41] they're in the office just having a chat yeah we're getting ready for the for
[00:28:46] the website actually I randomly saw it a few days ago because I like on Thursday
[00:28:51] or Friday I came I I turned on the TV oh I was watching the fucking Trump press
[00:28:56] conference with the fucking Colombian president and then right after that they
[00:29:00] put on the TMZ show and they're like coming up after the break Chelsea Manning
[00:29:06] new pictures of her post transition she just got out of jail dude why are you
[00:29:13] making fun of Chelsea let's do no they said that that was like one of the
[00:29:16] segment and that's what you think is good to a hero like who's not only is it
[00:29:23] transphobic but yeah I'm just saying that's anti-person or yeah yeah we're very
[00:29:29] pro prisoner here if you've committed a crime it's not a prisoner anymore yeah
[00:29:33] you're right it is a little less cool that she's free she's transitioned out of
[00:29:37] being a prisoner yeah that's what they're talking about I'm
[00:29:40] Transpatriot I consider myself Transpatriot but you know what no one's
[00:29:51] talked about what is that was the shittiest looking slice of pizza I've
[00:29:55] ever seen in my life is bad yeah it was like a single pepperoni also even the
[00:29:59] first steps picture was like a little you know sneakers gay shoes the shoes
[00:30:09] she's not like meeting up with those Walmart brand Chuck Taylor she's not on
[00:30:13] hype he's she's not on hype he's like from one time over there where she's
[00:30:19] someone else to take the fucking picture I mean come on I hire some PR this is
[00:30:23] why you wound up in jail in the first place didn't think it through didn't
[00:30:27] think ahead enough right PR that you're just wasting she's just she's just she's
[00:30:34] a gamer basically she's like back out now gaming didn't get for her and her
[00:30:40] shoes I'm not sure it sucked though to get out of prison you find out like
[00:30:43] everyone is trans now it's not even cool yeah oh yeah she wasn't doing it to be
[00:30:48] cool yeah for sure she was oh yeah attention yeah I buy that she wasn't
[00:30:54] doing it to be cool sure Bruce Bruce to was just born a woman no Bruce was
[00:31:02] doing it to be cool obviously yeah that my suck that's why I still call him Bruce
[00:31:06] yeah oh yeah well that's past tense I was saying in the past that you still
[00:31:11] call him Bruce or her Caitlyn I call her Bruce I don't miss gender I don't
[00:31:18] know Bruce interesting I do not miss gender you saying she's a one I do not
[00:31:24] change her name Bruce would be a cute woman's name Kunta Kenta would you fuck a
[00:31:30] woman named Bruce would I fuck a woman named Bruce which is hot as shit yeah
[00:31:34] but it's her name she's I don't know man just don't a hypothetical out there
[00:31:41] trying to get good conversation going I don't know it was a funny hypothetical
[00:31:46] George my buddy George asked me this hypothetical think of the woman that
[00:31:52] you've had sex with that gives you the most shame or person oh shame would you
[00:31:56] fuck them again or if like I'm on my deathbed and it's my dying wish that you
[00:32:02] fuck me would you rather fuck me on my death bed or the woman they gave you the
[00:32:07] most shame when you fucked her again that doesn't make sure wait it's your
[00:32:10] dying with yeah it does make sense would I would I fuck but it's your dying wish
[00:32:19] that I fuck you yeah then I would fuck you even if the option was like do I
[00:32:23] fuck the hottest woman in the world or what a good guy what's your dying wish
[00:32:27] of course I would do that but you have to think about fucking me and I'm dying
[00:32:30] and shit and you think that images in your head the rest of your life I don't
[00:32:35] care it's the image of what me being a good person yeah the one time in my life
[00:32:40] my hair is my hairy badass I think dying wishes are a waste you're about to be
[00:32:45] dead yeah yeah yeah so Nick's answers he would do it that's good yeah I'm probably
[00:32:50] do it I would do it for you thanks probably I went to let's all fuck each
[00:32:55] other I don't know I'm trying to think now of like a time where I fucked and I
[00:32:58] felt that much shame oh come on you were we're done by the time you fucked a
[00:33:02] wals and grommet looking woman in the ass I'm not ashamed of it I'm not ashamed
[00:33:08] of it like a wide mouth she looked like we're at like a house talked about a
[00:33:14] house key shaped head I told you she was like I was sleeping and then she took
[00:33:20] her butt cheek yeah yeah and she jacked me off with her ass cheeks yeah like a
[00:33:24] hot dog in the book right right yeah we've talked about anyway so that's just
[00:33:28] one example that comes to mind right away I'm not a shame one of them many
[00:33:31] times you've been with sex workers how about that people that yeah it is funny
[00:33:36] that you you you like just fuck sex traffic yeah exactly that's all I'm all
[00:33:45] the like shit I felt shame I felt shame about you're like literally a bad
[00:33:51] person that's a bad person participates in like the sex traffic I didn't realize
[00:33:56] that it's 19 years old but I got a pound ducking over weeks ago fucking
[00:34:01] months ago with a truck I'm gonna fucking handy from a slave from a literal slave
[00:34:07] was it six months ago and I didn't know just sharing that like you know this is
[00:34:11] troublesome we need to have a conversation about this meanwhile I'm
[00:34:16] I'm just that whole thing that's a good that's a good answer though because if I
[00:34:20] felt bad in retrospect shame is a prostitute who's probably hot as shit
[00:34:24] then you just fuck them again who cares yeah it wasn't it was a condom blowjob
[00:34:29] and she had braces okay all right Adam you've never fucked the process yeah it's
[00:34:34] not rape if you use a condom everyone knows that old girl it's not rape
[00:34:39] by the asser teen victim had braces it's not a man you of the district attorney's
[00:34:47] office has declined to press charges because as we all know if the girl has
[00:34:52] braces it's a barrier between the entertainer and it's not penis in their
[00:34:58] mouth so it's not technically rape it's solicitation I mean by that's like if
[00:35:04] you sit on a chair and then a woman sits on it is that right I'm not a
[00:35:06] shit you know what I got I went from ashamed to not ashamed to not ashamed
[00:35:10] you talk about not fucking you should just be get pay a hundred I never say
[00:35:15] anything about it is being found guilty by rule of the five second rule
[00:35:20] you put your penis in there rape molecules don't have the time to transfer
[00:35:29] between the penis and the mouth to make the victim feel raped once again my
[00:35:36] name has been tarnished by your own drag through the mud by my own actions
[00:35:43] by your own actions you ruined that very funny Michael Jackson anecdote that I
[00:35:49] heard firsthand from that poor maid at Neverland Ridge Michael hamburger
[00:35:54] Jones you're talking fuck up this is the new come down it's very funny though check
[00:36:02] out this cool joke I wrote if it wasn't me having a news story it wasn't on the
[00:36:08] news it wasn't a joke that I wrote it was an anecdote that I was sharing
[00:36:16] oh my god anyway if I was high to that you don't you can't think of anyone who
[00:36:22] you feel shame of having sex with I felt shame afterwards realizing that that
[00:36:27] no I'm talking let's get your crimes against nature out of this you know your
[00:36:31] crimes against poor traffic people out of this and let's just talk about regular
[00:36:35] consensual sex which you have some time yeah I would say I would say I've never
[00:36:40] felt shamed either thing is this both me I feel shame every time me and Adam are
[00:36:44] probably like you you're particularly horny and particularly unattractive I'm
[00:36:51] cute absolutely untrue have that horny actually but I'm not on the grand
[00:36:58] scheme of things because because I'm fatter actually I didn't really less
[00:37:03] testosterone I didn't really fuck that much until like three years ago yeah
[00:37:07] Adam is actually the horniest of the because I wasn't like getting like I
[00:37:11] wasn't getting laid a lot when I was in I was getting laid a lot in high
[00:37:18] school what a unique experience that justifies buying sex life as a 30 year
[00:37:25] old man because there was some hypothetical football player they got
[00:37:32] blown more than I did and I only fuck some night so I didn't get
[00:37:39] jacked off by a 45 year old Fuzhanese woman who thought she was coming over at
[00:37:45] a work at a restaurant now she lives in a box and has to suck off
[00:37:50] paralegals she was a Somali in her village
[00:38:00] I hate this she's like well you know he had a condom on and I braces yeah I
[00:38:05] did have my retainer I guess I guess I shouldn't say anything to the FBI no I
[00:38:10] got a hand job in Chinatown when I was 19 I got a blood job with condom but Nick
[00:38:16] you're here you're here to claim for real you've never had a regrettable
[00:38:19] sexual experience like no I mean we regrettable in what sense that they were
[00:38:25] like so unattractive like oh I can't just anything it's an open-ended
[00:38:28] question then well in that case like yes I regret every single one yeah I mean
[00:38:33] it's like at a certain level yeah after you come sure after you come you regret
[00:38:38] absolutely yeah absolutely yeah regret sexual impulses you regret yeah you
[00:38:44] regret the blood going into your penis yeah yeah getting hard you trying to
[00:38:49] figure out how to get out of there should and then you regret the things you say
[00:38:52] absolutely good discussed or before do you tell someone
[00:38:57] oh yeah you're pretending to be like different states what was that yeah
[00:39:02] yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's not true yeah who was that someone DM'd you
[00:39:07] and said that I had sex with someone and she said that I try to make my father
[00:39:11] into state they DM starve but that's something you would do no I'm DM'd joke
[00:39:15] that you would do with a woman oh yeah like a pixie she's like I don't speak
[00:39:21] England he's like look I'm I'm the here in the spaces here the stage where
[00:39:27] is legal let me see the next customer please I only I pay for 30 minutes
[00:39:34] perch I make a revenue dollar a week I had to feed my family fish eyes or fish
[00:39:42] eyes to fell out of my hands on way home from market because my hands covered
[00:39:46] in lube this is a very sad poem about my life is a traffic
[00:39:54] you know tell woman anyway we got the live show tomorrow anyone's yeah come
[00:40:03] out to come on everybody we do have a great lineup and just as a side now that
[00:40:09] next back we're gonna start doing episodes and releasing them the day of
[00:40:12] so yeah it's gonna the show is gonna be better than it was which I don't know I
[00:40:18] felt like come town Western's coming into its own I kind of want to I don't
[00:40:21] know I heard come town West was very bad yeah it's a pretty word the last one
[00:40:25] was pretty good well let's go you do the Simpsons because it was you doing
[00:40:28] Simpsons well I want to I want to branch out and give Dana and Jamelle but
[00:40:32] start podcast you can abuse Dana Jamelle because they're their POCs yeah I
[00:40:37] know she can't it is not she's a POC she's a Jewish woman there she's the
[00:40:43] race of women their pieces of cut hey that's a real nice POC hey he's the cut
[00:40:56] over there a person of Jewish the other day P.O.J. yeah first the Jewish is pretty
[00:41:01] good person of parentheses yeah let's start a whole new P.O.P. dude let's start a
[00:41:07] whole new podcast Empire dude yeah we're gonna do a new other idea I already
[00:41:11] mentioned it I mentioned it on the other cast the other show but I want to I'm
[00:41:16] just gonna find two women to record like a podcast where they just talk about
[00:41:20] their feet and what shoes they're wearing and things they do with their feet
[00:41:23] you get to sexy sounding women put it behind a paywall make millions I
[00:41:27] guarantee you I would make so much we make so much do it yeah I'm gonna become a
[00:41:31] millionaire off feet podcasts and cryptocurrency retire at age 32 to
[00:41:37] yeah makes becoming like full libertarian cryptocurrency I don't understand why
[00:41:41] like researching investment opportunities is an inherently libertarian I
[00:41:46] don't buy all all the cryptocurrencies are is like some extremely risky
[00:41:50] speculative tool for people with extra to buy child gamble you don't even need
[00:41:55] to buy anything with it by those people don't molly and child porn I'm willing
[00:41:59] to bet that most of the investors and shit like Ethereum don't even know like
[00:42:02] what a theory like what the fucking difference between Ethereum and Bitcoin
[00:42:05] is Ethereum does sound like a gay ass name for yeah it's gay shit dude sounds
[00:42:10] like a shitty sci-fi movie is that that is that it's the Matt Damon movie where
[00:42:14] you like put it this way if you invested if you invested a thousand dollars in
[00:42:19] Ethereum 12 months ago you'd have a million dollars right how's it feel I
[00:42:22] did I forgot to be the richest come boy now yeah yeah it's cool what pretty cool
[00:42:28] well what do you make what's your salary I'm negative 60 thousand you know that
[00:42:33] yeah I'm just by far the poorest come boy yeah cuz you have debt and shit like
[00:42:39] a bitch cuz it's too long I was smart as shit and I got a scholarship to go to
[00:42:43] college you went to say school right yeah yeah I should if I if there was a
[00:42:46] good state school in Nevada I would have gone yeah you could have gone to
[00:42:49] fucking UNLV but I had to go to DC yeah oh you suck I wish my parents 18 year
[00:42:55] later was such a bitch I went to college with like oh I'm still looking at it I
[00:42:58] was like you don't have a failure yeah I remember I was in like seventh grade
[00:43:03] and I was like oh yeah I'm not going to college this is not gonna happen more
[00:43:07] homework yeah it's cool that all our parents are broke a shit oh my my fam oh
[00:43:13] it is bad dude is it bad right now it's fun I think my parents are doing a
[00:43:17] little bit my mom's my mom is like fine well yeah your mom's doing well but
[00:43:21] yeah my dad's like but the plan is kill my mom and use my mom's money to
[00:43:28] float yeah that's chill and then I'm I'm fine I want to send my dad Greece he's
[00:43:34] kind of the problem send him to Greece little live on a fucking island or
[00:43:37] whatever the fucking wants to do and yeah I don't know from then on I'm just
[00:43:41] gonna buy my remodel my mom's bathroom they're saying shit and style you broke
[00:43:47] the toilet there's a whole cement the tiles are just off the shower yeah it's
[00:43:52] just fucking bear cement my parents are the words kind of where's kind of broke
[00:43:56] person which is a broke person that grew up rich do they still work oh yeah they
[00:44:02] they're gonna work till they die they can't retire they're never gonna
[00:44:05] architects I don't want to say it these freaks are gonna look it up and shit
[00:44:09] and what have them build a house yeah they're architects yeah oh yeah I don't
[00:44:17] I don't think sex architects they're gay architects me and my me and my they
[00:44:22] make fuck gay fuck machines yeah they're gay engineers they still probably look
[00:44:28] it up by the way probably they probably and now they're definitely going to yeah
[00:44:32] of course they're fucking psychos they're like my dad's a damn carpenter
[00:44:37] one told me they found that that women's rally oh my god it's so embarrassing oh
[00:44:44] well you were like to do stand up oh my god it's so embarrassing it's like one
[00:44:50] of them it's humility I was like six months into comedy oh that the story you
[00:44:53] told I've never loved to see if the video is accurate oh that's funny we should
[00:44:58] do a side-by-side I didn't know that there was a video yeah so you told the
[00:45:01] story this watches in the world we should find the fucking of what actually
[00:45:05] happened online we can probably watch it I know why I find the clip we find the
[00:45:09] clip of you telling the story because you absolutely told I've never told the
[00:45:12] story on the part did probably episode two or three no I never have I know for a
[00:45:16] fact you've told it a bunch I've told it like in color fuck with somebody
[00:45:21] I found it unless you'd say it on the podcast I did this by googling my name
[00:45:25] and then they sent it to you I did this fit I did a feminist I've never told
[00:45:29] the story in the podcast for sure you have Ruth Razzby booked me on a
[00:45:33] feminist rally when I was six months in the big Ruth I wonder what Ruth would
[00:45:42] sex workers of sex slaves it's not even like progressive like girls in
[00:45:47] Bushwick they're like I'm a sex worker and I own my body and this is commerce
[00:45:51] no absolutely no it's a global crime network it's fucked up I'm a bad person
[00:45:57] yeah yeah I mean no I it's just really embarrassed I'm really scared but the
[00:46:02] video apparently is out there of me doing this I did Molly the night before
[00:46:06] with with with Sammy hell yeah and I got there hungover
[00:46:11] Sammy hang out anymore I wonder and then my warm-up was like the head of
[00:46:18] for the listeners of the show Sammy cocked Adam Adam moved here and he
[00:46:24] started having to buy Chinese prostitutes because his Korean girlfriend married
[00:46:28] his best friend also because he didn't get laid in high school anyway continue
[00:46:35] Adam look I look I just I guess you want to do this feminist comedy show
[00:46:40] I have principles you know I'm a very woke person and I just think that sex
[00:46:45] work is wrong you think all sex workers wrong that's your that's your I don't
[00:46:51] know I don't even know what do that is actually no it's woke there is actually
[00:46:55] no woke take this is no the woke take is that sex work should be legal and should
[00:46:59] be you should protect the people like that you're doing children we shouldn't
[00:47:03] take a lot of children's agency no the woke take is that you have the woke is
[00:47:09] fake his childhood prostitution should be I've seen it I've seen that take I
[00:47:16] forget who argued that so I'm sure that they are I can walk completely normal
[00:47:25] no so I got so she's like how much money do you give that boy whore that
[00:47:31] shit rules that guy definitely get him $10,000 what is a boy whore gonna do with
[00:47:36] $10,000 he's gonna get gauges for his buying self-assowing machine make
[00:47:41] himself gonna invest in a theorem yeah which is the currency that's used in the
[00:47:47] warehouse that he works at I love those like that they're like unlike
[00:47:54] chatter bait like the cam warehouses and like Columbia where it's like yeah
[00:47:58] clearly just a small cell I yeah yeah I jack off to those and then I feel bad
[00:48:03] oh no you take off the shadow bad dude cool it from something and then
[00:48:11] there about it after that absolves you from the bad part of it yeah if you feel
[00:48:15] bad after you know what I do sometimes it's like I you know I just have like a
[00:48:17] hard day at work so I go out into you know like bed's dying East New York and
[00:48:21] I find young black teens and I shoot them with a silence to relieve some of
[00:48:26] my stress but I feel bad about it afterwards I put a gun to their head and
[00:48:32] I end their life all you need to do is because he gets blamed on other black
[00:48:35] teens so I don't have to worry about it but it helps alleviate some of the
[00:48:39] stress in my life it's true so it looks like he was robbed for Jordan's
[00:48:46] I mean I need those sneakers if you have sex with a baby and then feel bad
[00:48:55] it's not that's all you need to do is feel bad that's all you need is to feel
[00:49:06] bad about your actions and then it's justified wait can I tell the story
[00:49:11] yes please I don't really need to tell the story tell the story dude anyway I
[00:49:16] get there and there's like that my whole warm-up it wasn't a comedy show it was a
[00:49:19] fucking it was a on the mall in front of the fucking Capitol building and they
[00:49:24] were like all these people that came on buses and stuff for this we are women
[00:49:28] and then I get there all my material was like yeah you know when you're
[00:49:32] jacking off and like you know like your first six months of comedy material
[00:49:36] and so I just wrote a lot different than your I wrote like hitting your pants
[00:49:40] now and then like all the warm-up was like he was in he was in my chemistry
[00:49:44] class he said I was different and we were on a we were at make-out point and
[00:49:48] then he raped me yeah he said I am the one who knocks yeah just all these like
[00:49:53] terrible stories about rape and like the head of Planned Parenthood spoke and
[00:49:58] like everyone's like fuck the Republicans so I just wrote like a bad like I just
[00:50:03] made up a set like sitting there sweating it was so hot that day to me
[00:50:08] I was coming up to do Brown went to a like an open open mic one time not
[00:50:13] realizing it wasn't a comedy open mic oh hell yeah I had to go up like the
[00:50:17] girl right before me it was his black check and she was like in the sense
[00:50:21] stolen rape it happened to me my flower violet you know like this slam poem
[00:50:27] about being raised yes it went up and it was like um we drive throughs are weird
[00:50:34] they got to what why don't you just pay and get the food of the same window
[00:50:39] none of that third window that's just empty with all the comedian by the way
[00:50:46] anyway so that lady right before me was like tell him the story about how she
[00:50:51] got raped and then there wasn't access to abortion she had to have a back alley
[00:50:55] abortion nice they're like everyone please well I love that name dude back
[00:50:59] alley aborting nothing you know these when the police when the preekness back
[00:51:04] alley boys are are are are get besmirched left and right and I don't think
[00:51:10] anything bad actually happens in an alley it's just they're dark so what I
[00:51:15] don't think I think they're ominous I don't think anyone's ever been raped in
[00:51:19] an alley I don't think anyone's ever gotten an abortion in an alley I think
[00:51:23] they've been I think someone's been raped in an alley I don't think so what
[00:51:26] outside of not even one time training day no all right I think it's a place
[00:51:32] where back alley abortion Thomas O'Malley and the other aristocrats racist songs
[00:51:40] that movie was cool dude yeah I bought their dated jazz that's the most
[00:51:45] risk is Asian character yeah the Siamese cats like she's like she's like
[00:51:49] no that's lady in the tramp nope that's lady in the tramp that's not a
[00:51:53] risk to cats aristocrats has like sheng fu or whatever he's oh yeah he's cat
[00:51:58] that plays piano with chopsticks that he spoke to long opium pipe yeah
[00:52:04] man I would love the five dollars you know what's fucked up is that you can
[00:52:09] go to Chinatown right now and get jacked off by sex slave but there are no more
[00:52:12] opium dens in New York that the city is just letting I would love letting sex
[00:52:17] slavery slide but yeah the make room for if you could make that are like you
[00:52:23] know compromise with the Chinese community in China oh hell yeah you can
[00:52:27] have opium dens we won't enforce the laws just stop sex-slaving women they
[00:52:34] okay absolutely sex slaves let's hear your spin the fucking nail salon women are
[00:52:40] slaves yeah we know they're literally they're lit but they're not they're
[00:52:46] just paid like two dollars an hour so in what do you think they're not in your
[00:52:50] head they tell you not to willing prostitutes but that's what they tell
[00:52:55] you to do I said I'm not even a dollar she's making two dollars and they said
[00:53:01] no you're not no tip you're not allowed you must have been so upset yeah anyway
[00:53:07] what did the woman the jerk you off look like do you see her sometimes she's
[00:53:11] changed Chinese lady she was really nice to me she's really not happy she did
[00:53:17] this thing where where when she pulled my pants down and then looked at my
[00:53:21] penis she did this thing where she looked at it she goes oh and I'm like I just
[00:53:27] started laughing right there that I'm like come on dude what are you laughing
[00:53:31] like it's the biggest penis of all time like it's a it's not a remarkable
[00:53:35] penis she's just good at her job dude she was very nice yeah she's there she
[00:53:40] you whatever I watch suicide well cuz they shove bamboo underneath her
[00:53:44] fingernails yes you imagine what would happen to that woman if you went to the
[00:53:48] front desk and demanded a refund yes sir we will give you a refund immediately
[00:53:54] please do not tell the city and then they fucking feed her to pigs yeah that
[00:53:59] sounds that sounds really terrible Nick that's what they do yeah the
[00:54:05] celestials yeah we got to give her the woos pigs yeah you was a weirdest
[00:54:11] character on that show the black eye that was like kind of completely unnecessary
[00:54:15] chalky no no the n-word yeah the n-word guy what was his name something the
[00:54:23] n-word yeah no no it was it was the and we're general right and we're general
[00:54:27] yeah we can say it what do we name of what do we talk about said say it slowly
[00:54:33] and clearly though the characters name is say it was the Edward general what what
[00:54:44] were we talking about we'll movie or deadwood it's really good you should
[00:54:47] watch it I never seen it but I did see suicide coming out and I saw
[00:54:52] you guys have seen samurai cop no you're seeing maniac couples maniac cop no
[00:54:59] cops great that's right it's right there it's a maniac
[00:55:02] cop dude samurai cops cool Matthew Cordell have you seen a badly tenon stuff
[00:55:06] you should watch that I'm telling you boys you should watch samurai cop it's
[00:55:11] just like some bootleg ass to bat that lieutenant porta call Ferguson
[00:55:19] recently badly ten important call all of them yeah fuck but yeah just just
[00:55:28] that's that's a little stavey's stavey's fucking film corner yes the guy who
[00:55:33] see the least I'm telling him rocks you should listen to his movie I'm no joke I
[00:55:40] put up samurai cop next anything all right so that's all I'll say about it
[00:55:45] though I watch that Iranian movie that won like best foreign film the salesmen
[00:55:51] you see that Adam no piece of shit which one a fucking off a movie what was it
[00:55:58] called the salesmen is that the one where he's driving around because he wants
[00:56:01] to kill himself no it's like the he's it's his family they move out of their
[00:56:06] apartment complex into a new building oh yeah you watch some of the famous guy
[00:56:09] yeah they move into like a who you hang out with the guy from Arrested
[00:56:14] Development no it was Jason Bateman no Jason Wrightman Jason Wrightman you
[00:56:19] see the whole Hollywood mold dog dude yeah hang out I didn't say a word to him
[00:56:24] was just at his house he's watched the movie at his house yeah my friend invited
[00:56:29] me and he's like yeah he has this party like every Sunday or so when we go there
[00:56:33] and I guess this was like the most lightly attended party of all of them so
[00:56:36] there was like three other people there oh shit and you didn't say like thanks
[00:56:40] for having me no I don't thank people for hospitality I think it's that's a
[00:56:45] weird throwback to the plantation days I think all forms of etiquette or racism
[00:56:51] we should have a coach should be allowed to be prostitutes it manners is the
[00:56:57] end word manners is the end word we should have a in my in my future you know
[00:57:06] egalitarian world everyone's burping in each other's faces getting out of
[00:57:11] this mouth babies your genitals are surgically removed in place on your
[00:57:15] forehead that way there's no mystery that's cool and we mean what kind of
[00:57:20] mystery you all everyone is everyone is a pedophile and children are in charge
[00:57:24] we let them be president but we have sex with them kids ruled yeah kids rule
[00:57:30] parents rule I love that my getting it's because they can see the taste that we
[00:57:35] can't see as adults when they would try to sell us products as kids yeah like it
[00:57:39] like adults yeah it was effective as a kid you do think it don't scratch the
[00:57:46] taste kids can see it was a parents can't see the taste on yeah those crunch your
[00:57:51] parents shitty fucking eyesight kids rule yeah imagine like just a blind child
[00:57:58] sitting in front of a television I don't know why it would be but then they're
[00:58:02] just hearing that commercial and they just get sadder and sad yeah he's in the
[00:58:05] corner the rest was family's laughing and watching TV not now Jake Jake stop
[00:58:13] touching me with that damn stick if you touch me that stick again I'm gonna
[00:58:18] beat your ass with it you're ruining television watching time the hours of
[00:58:26] 2 p.m. till 9 p.m. every night and are mostly seeing household how much go
[00:58:32] over to your square of carpet samples and touch him again while we enjoy the
[00:58:37] powerful observations of Jerry Seinfeld how does that work the stick training
[00:58:45] you know you gotta you got to get up to like that level of being good enough to
[00:58:50] like go out on the streets and stuff we did they have blind school I guarantee
[00:58:54] you I could do it right now shut the fuck up it's a stick that you wave back and
[00:58:59] forth and if it hits the most it's the most you get here you live all you right
[00:59:03] now we're saying get the time square with just a stick you could do it right now
[00:59:07] yep I guarantee you shut the fuck up I can do this of all I know where the end
[00:59:13] of the block is okay and it's three blocks to Nostrand and then four blocks
[00:59:18] to to the train station to the G you go down the stairs you take the G train
[00:59:23] north yeah but how do you find the how do you find the swipey place but you
[00:59:27] you just fucking well I know the steps you have to use the stick you can't use
[00:59:31] your hands at all you can use your hands your hands you can't like just feel
[00:59:36] around on the walls and stuff you got to use the stick yeah you fucking gauge
[00:59:40] where the turn style is and then you put your hand over to find the thing you
[00:59:44] swipe okay first of all as a type of retarded person you get to ride the
[00:59:50] train for free anyways so they I'm assuming they would hold okay let's do
[00:59:54] this right afterwards we're gonna blindfold you yeah we're gonna do the blind
[00:59:57] man I'm hungry shit yeah I want you and I want you to go to Brownsville
[01:00:02] Brooklyn and I want you to order a lunch and we get to where blindfolded you
[01:00:08] don't get to see the shirt we give you you don't get anywhere we're gonna make
[01:00:11] a special t-shirt for you really with die hard yeah oh I love die hard okay
[01:00:18] did you give me a die hard shirt yeah a die hard sandwich board yeah it's gonna
[01:00:28] it's kind of a nice tribute you know it's both I love it they play a general
[01:00:33] part they played a censored version of that shit on TV when I was a kid and it
[01:00:38] was the Sanders board said I hate everyone yeah and it's like black people
[01:00:43] getting mad at that yeah because they're like you're supposed to be friendly
[01:00:46] yeah doesn't make any sense yeah just say black people even that was better
[01:00:52] than everyone right oh we what you excited to get the episode over with
[01:00:58] I didn't know how I couldn't gauge where we're at what are we doing a good one I
[01:01:04] got abused a little bit well sorry guys we're gonna continue but Adam wants to
[01:01:07] end the pot I was too thanks a lot Adam I guess he has an appointment in
[01:01:14] China so if you're mad that we don't do it
[01:01:17] because there's a woman that's about to get her braces I thought I just want to
[01:01:23] say I think it's very brave for me to talk about these harrowing experiences
[01:01:27] you're just you are just like that Atlantic guy who has this life I'm
[01:01:32] fucking Philippine I was a victim of sex work by being for yeah my family had
[01:01:37] a slave but it wasn't my fault because I didn't have sex in high school you
[01:01:43] know what I never did Lola pretty fairly in the end we gave her $200 a week to go
[01:01:49] buy her own slave and perpetuate this awful system that somehow not my fault
[01:01:55] all right I'm just coming to the live show live show tomorrow I've shown
[01:01:59] tomorrow night and night come on everybody great lineup but you got to get