Cum Town | Premium | 05/29/2017
[00:00:03] Do another one of these stupid podcasts.
[00:00:30] I'm gonna work here sure in Williams again.
[00:00:33] I was actually pretty strong when I worked
[00:00:34] at that paint store because I was lifting
[00:00:39] A paint bucket can't weigh more than 15 pounds.
[00:00:46] If you have trouble carrying a paint bucket,
[00:00:48] Pick up a job sucking dick for a living.
[00:00:55] You should work at a drape fingering store.
[00:01:07] He gets a job where a chef touches the cheesecake
[00:01:12] Stav's cheek to make sure they're just as soft.
[00:01:41] We were listening to some horrendous music.
[00:01:43] What was on here was rodent by Skinny Puppy.
[00:01:48] Yeah, I said it was like music that they listened to
[00:01:56] I've never seen Blay all the way through any other.
[00:02:09] It's like sick, like sword fights and shit.
[00:02:16] Why can't it just be a regular vampire?
[00:02:21] Why do they have to make everything so he can communicate with the
[00:02:24] HEC, I don't understand why that has to be a PC vampire.
[00:02:51] I, I'm trying to say before the show how he wishes he had PTSD.
[00:02:55] No, I'm saying how much cooler would I be if I had PTSD?
[00:03:00] I would just so much fun to hang out with if I was some like...
[00:03:03] You ready to make a horrifically PTSD guy that was just saying crazy stuff all the time and being like the cosmos Kramer of the group, no?
[00:03:12] Yeah, the problem is you're too normal to me.
[00:03:15] The remarks and the takes that you have are too mainstream.
[00:03:18] That's what I'm sick, is it just how middle of the road you are, Nick?
[00:03:21] No, you say that jokingly, but I guarantee you a majority of the country actually feels
[00:03:46] I haven't seen blade, but I did see recently, unforgiven, that the Western...
[00:03:53] You know what I originally saw as a Shawshank, what's that about?
[00:04:00] Well, I'm trying to get to a point about the movie, which is the whole plot...
[00:04:04] So the plot of the movie is some horse pay Clint Eastwood to kill...
[00:04:14] They pay to get some guy who slashed up a woman, killed.
[00:04:17] With the reason he slashed her up, she giggled at him because he had a little dick.
[00:04:23] So the whole plot of that movie happens because some guy is a little dick and he got laughed
[00:04:30] I think there should be more movies about that.
[00:04:41] I don't think he should be conical after with a black woman.
[00:04:55] Once upon a time, the west might be like my friend.
[00:05:12] What was it about the Italianos that made them like westerns?
[00:05:19] Well, all of the Wild West looks like Italy.
[00:05:25] They love wearing big dumbass hats and they love saloons.
[00:05:39] Yeah, so anyway, I saw him for half of it, but then I took an edible and fell asleep.
[00:05:47] Oh, so you didn't even watch the whole movie?
[00:05:48] No, but how funny is it that the guy's got a little ass dick and that's why he committed
[00:05:57] Just little ass dicks are funny, in general.
[00:06:01] He slapped someone up because he had a little dick and she laughed at it.
[00:06:16] I don't care about all the other stuff.
[00:06:37] I mean, if you seem that super kind of all the rest of his things.
[00:06:40] You choose to interpret Grand Torino as if the title of the movie started with the word
[00:06:50] It's the best of those bad grandpa of the bad old guy movies.
[00:06:55] Grand Torino should just be called Bad Polok.
[00:07:12] So Clint Eastwood, yeah, he's not a very good director anymore at this point.
[00:07:17] I don't even get how he's still directing movies.
[00:07:20] He literally talked to that chair six and a half years ago.
[00:07:23] Yeah, but people like his movies might be bad, but people like them a lot.
[00:07:29] I'm just saying to competently direct an entire movie at 98 years old or however old he is.
[00:07:37] I mean, he doesn't seem like he's really, you know, that together, but he can still do
[00:07:42] I guess he has like good people around him.
[00:07:43] He's been working in fucking movies since he was like, what?
[00:07:47] I'm just saying it's a lot of work to direct him at whatever.
[00:07:58] He did some of the Westerns after he like stopped doing the movie.
[00:08:00] Yeah, but his very first one wasn't a Tarantula that be forgot the name of it.
[00:08:06] His first movie ever or the first one he directed?
[00:08:10] Oh, I don't know what the first movie directed is.
[00:08:13] I think let's see the Clint Eastwood movies I've seen.
[00:08:16] Oh, I guess he did direct high planes, Rifter.
[00:08:24] I've only seen, I don't think I've seen the good, the bad, the ugly.
[00:08:36] That's my policy is that I shoot first.
[00:08:43] All right, stop looking to shoot on your phone.
[00:08:45] I thought you were looking up his first movie.
[00:08:46] I did, but I got confused on Wikipedia because he got a separate article for his filmography
[00:09:04] They pump your blood full of little pieces of metal.
[00:09:19] Yeah, maybe CT or like a CT scan uses like the...
[00:09:29] Dude, I went to Flushing and it was like clearly for small Chinese people.
[00:09:34] You get stuck in the machine like pooping.
[00:09:35] Dude, honestly, I did not get stuck but my fucking fingers are up.
[00:09:48] Dude, you should be pooping for Halloween next year.
[00:09:55] I was literally jammed in that motherfucker, dude.
[00:10:06] Well, it would be cool if I was like on edibles or a Xanax or some shit.
[00:10:08] Because it kind of feels like you're in a fucking spaceship.
[00:10:13] Yeah, but it's like a spaceship that tells you you're dying.
[00:10:16] The thing that requires a machine like that is like, oh, I'm fucked.
[00:10:21] I just hope there's something other than like extreme surgery that'll fix it.
[00:10:27] But I just want to know what's going on.
[00:10:28] But yeah, it was all me and just a bunch of old ladies.
[00:10:34] I went on a Friday right before a long-ass weekend.
[00:10:36] So I probably won't know until like Wednesday of next week.
[00:10:46] And then is now holding the microphone sort of like a...
[00:10:50] Like a sort of like a butt rock guy from...
[00:11:01] I like doing it when I'm on stage, dude.
[00:11:03] That's how they know I'm a badass comedian.
[00:11:15] There's like, I feel like New York, Mike Grandguise, love to hold the microphone at the very bottom.
[00:11:30] First of all, it's a podcast and no one can see what the fuck you're doing.
[00:11:33] We know what you're talking about with words.
[00:11:36] Because we described it to you prior to you complaining about it.
[00:11:41] We haven't been talking about this for months.
[00:11:49] Me and Stav have been talking about that for years.
[00:11:54] There is no way you didn't overhear that conversation at the very least.
[00:11:59] In fact, I'm sure we've talked about it just with you.
[00:12:05] I like to hold microphones up at the top by the microphone part.
[00:12:16] I'm watching the British soccer on my phone right now.
[00:12:22] Well, now that I mentioned it, Nick knows, but I was trying to hide it from you.
[00:12:28] The worst this podcast gets, the better it is for me.
[00:12:36] I'm gonna hook myself from this tether.
[00:12:53] Just for a month or two or whatever it is.
[00:13:20] I mean, it just sucks to not have any friends and just go back to my shitty Airbnb at
[00:13:25] Next time you or anybody gets a little fucking job, you know, we'll get a cabana.
[00:13:35] Maybe a high-powered paralegal kind of thing in LA.
[00:13:38] Yeah, like a woman wearing shoulder pads.
[00:13:45] You're gonna be Glenn Close and fatal attraction.
[00:13:46] You're gonna be sucking off guys and ruining...
[00:14:19] I don't remember any of them, but I definitely remember that.
[00:14:21] I think I remember that because you were texting us about it before.
[00:14:30] Again, you don't even know what you do.
[00:14:34] Stop acting like the dynamic is flipped recently.
[00:14:37] I'm like a child that walks in the middle of a movie.
[00:14:49] I've been watching Big Lebowski in a while.
[00:14:52] That might be the best movie of all time.
[00:14:54] It's the best comedy of all time, I think.
[00:15:04] Everybody is like movies where it's just like somebody's like, oh, we're going to need
[00:15:08] a bigger boat and then there's like a bigger boat there.
[00:15:14] It's a reference to another movie, but then there's a prop involved.
[00:15:16] My favorite movies are like where it's like they try to parody as many popular movies
[00:15:27] I mean, it used to be a real thing, though, because it was a scary movie and it fucking
[00:15:33] I think like the two shittiest guys involved within scary movie like split off and started
[00:15:37] making all those weird ones where it was like, let's just.
[00:15:43] Anthony, come to the duck fights and he holds up that duck, wearing box and gloves on the
[00:15:57] All those other ones, there's like the ones where it was like the, I don't know, they
[00:16:04] It got to the point where they were just taking the most famous things.
[00:16:08] Epic movie was the fucking worst, dude.
[00:16:15] I saw that dude Chris Evans, I thought it, I was like, that dude's really charismatic.
[00:16:25] I bet no one, especially not his agent and the people that put him in a fucking video
[00:16:33] You're fucking for the future right now.
[00:16:40] But call something right now and we'll look back on it later.
[00:17:04] I set up a lemonade stand concentration can to gas Muslims for a dollar, but the dollar
[00:17:23] This is the cute babies rounding up Muslims and putting them in fucking...
[00:17:36] I had an idea for a movie years ago where it's like, it'd be like, I robot, you know?
[00:17:43] We have robots and they destroy the human race, but instead of being hyper aggressive,
[00:17:48] scary, terminator robots, they're just robots that master manipulating people's empathy.
[00:18:01] And I'm like, you're holding my feelings.
[00:18:07] And then the robot will go in the house and be like, there's only room for me.
[00:18:18] No, the point of the movie is that empathy is a disease.
[00:18:22] And the coming malthusian crisis and we're taking over by robots, you're going to need
[00:18:28] to develop a cold blooded sense of the entire robot.
[00:18:36] Yeah, that's been a theme that you've been thinking about for a lot of your life.
[00:18:52] They were like, I don't, this seems kind of racist.
[00:18:56] They're like, what if we make the robot a black guy?
[00:18:59] They're like, well, what if we make instead of a robot, he's an army captain and so on.
[00:19:13] And they were like, the guys legs were like spiders, like an erector set.
[00:19:21] I got an erector set one time for like my birthday or Christmas or something.
[00:19:25] I'm like, this just looks like scraps from the hardware store.
[00:19:29] I don't know what I'm supposed to do this.
[00:19:54] I didn't follow like the, I didn't get like the set to make the like death star.
[00:20:04] It looks like it just play Legos right now.
[00:20:06] They have a Lego store in Union Square.
[00:20:10] I was thinking about getting into model building.
[00:20:14] Are you going to like paint Gundam and stuff?
[00:20:19] My dad would obsessively like he would paint faces on the pilots inside the planes.
[00:20:29] So like that's, he would just sit in the garage and drink and make models.
[00:20:35] He did the depressed white guy version of art.
[00:20:39] He was just sort of hyper focused on those gay ass models.
[00:20:45] What kind of models were they like Civil War stuff?
[00:20:51] When I say like he built a lot of models.
[00:20:58] I mean I kid you know in your head you're like, it was all the time.
[00:21:06] Like ages zero to 14 is compressed into like a three hour.
[00:21:15] Yeah, you remember getting fucking an awesome birthday eating cake eating ice cream.
[00:21:25] That's the best part about Tree of Life is like just those short bursts of memories
[00:21:31] out of context that are so like that that part where the where she's like carrying this
[00:21:36] on away quickly while that man's having a seizure by the tree.
[00:21:41] And like it perfectly captures just that child's sense of not really knowing what's going
[00:21:47] Like that brief flash or when that uncle's leaning over his bed and he's like, see it
[00:21:52] You know, that's the greatest movie of all time.
[00:21:59] Well, catishack is the most the best series.
[00:22:06] I thought the Sean Penn stuff was kind of.
[00:22:07] You said that before and I've also heard other people say that.
[00:22:10] So I'm sure you're just repeating with this one.
[00:22:15] It's the Sean Penn stuff is so minor and it like contextualizes the movie.
[00:22:22] It's like, sort of what's the point of it?
[00:22:23] It's getting mad at the Sean Penn stuff is like getting mad at like two seconds of exposition.
[00:22:31] You know, it doesn't really fucking matter.
[00:22:33] They need some some reason why he's like sort of thinking back on his life.
[00:22:40] Oh, his brother died and his like mom calls him and lets him know and then it's just him
[00:22:43] leaving the office thinking about his life.
[00:22:46] Is that the movie was Sean Penn's retarded?
[00:22:50] He's retardedly thinking back on his life.
[00:22:53] I am be remembering every memories like a Ferris wheel like cotton candy.
[00:23:01] I love that they make him the manager of the Starbucks in that movie and I'm same.
[00:23:15] It's about a homeless or retarded guy that rapes a homeless woman.
[00:23:20] As a child that he just has custody of into like really 10.
[00:23:25] Well, he has sex with a homeless woman.
[00:23:40] Well, you know, every time a retarded person rapes a woman.
[00:23:58] I was like why they thought it was a good idea to cast actual mentally handicapped people.
[00:24:05] That side a guy pretending to mentally handicapped.
[00:24:09] It's like the most offensive shit in the entire world.
[00:24:14] They watch that and they're like, oh, that's heartwarming.
[00:24:15] It's like, no, it's bizarre exploitation.
[00:24:19] It's like if there's one in fruitvale station, the lead character was a guy in blackface.
[00:24:30] The shot panning blackface is going to do something off.
[00:24:35] Now we're going to let this black guy be the manager of Starbucks.
[00:24:39] Like, whoa, the blender's spraying frappuccino everywhere.
[00:25:04] I'm going to return a black eye called I B Sam.
[00:25:23] Boy, he, oh man, that guy, some guy took a picture with Brandon.
[00:25:29] And then he was walking away and he was like, oh my God, I got to get him to say a girlfriend
[00:25:39] Brandon's actually putting a video in hell.
[00:25:50] Stop and I were talking about he's like, dude, the only thing I'm happy about is no one says
[00:25:57] So stop and I kind of want to bring back.
[00:25:59] No, she should have waited a little longer.
[00:26:12] Should we get a come down shirt that says Dick's out for a rom?
[00:26:19] Yeah, we should just start stealing Brandon's jokes.
[00:26:22] I mean, we just be stealing some else's stuff.
[00:26:29] Yeah, actually, I'm just keeping doing what you're doing.
[00:26:36] I can't get over that better than I was saying.
[00:26:39] That's the week after Brandon tells a story about a hilarious bit that Wham City did,
[00:26:47] where they edited themselves into when Harry Met Sally, the orgasm scene, literally the
[00:26:53] next week, the next episode we record, you bring that up as if it's your idea.
[00:27:01] We didn't fucking and then Ben Tech's screen is like, I literally was like, the thing Adam
[00:27:10] He was describing, he didn't even just make the joke.
[00:27:13] He's describing something they've already created.
[00:27:15] I don't remember this and I don't think it happened.
[00:27:19] I'm calling Ben a goddamn fucking liar.
[00:27:26] It's fine for you to say this because really the point of all this is that I'm such a good
[00:27:34] Boy, you said you and Brandon stole jokes.
[00:27:37] That's why you guys are friends with each other.
[00:27:44] See, the point is I'm a good sport and I like just having fun with me mates.
[00:27:50] And if you guys want to knock down a point, if you want to knock down a pint and just
[00:28:04] You said you know how British people are.
[00:28:06] They like to have goofy names for stuff.
[00:28:10] Which is funny because pretty much every type of British slang sounds like euphemism for
[00:28:25] That's a fish smell from someone's semened up asshole.
[00:28:33] Chips are the microchips that go in the robot that has to fuck you.
[00:28:40] That's Australian, but that sounds like you're putting it shrimp the Barbies in ass.
[00:28:46] Yeah, I've defo heard this bit before, guys.
[00:28:55] You would be stealing it right now and saying it.
[00:28:58] The thing is, the thing is these people are going to think it's real.
[00:29:13] Just like because you weren't cool in high school.
[00:29:20] Oh, we had to delete that episode though.
[00:29:28] You're justification for buying props, buying sex in prostitution.
[00:29:35] This is said you didn't get laid in a lot of high school.
[00:29:46] Of the three of us, you're the most toxic masculinity.
[00:29:52] I got a fucking Vitamix, which makes me the least toxic.
[00:29:56] The most masculine, but the least toxic.
[00:29:59] You have a more high-powered Vitamix to me, I think.
[00:30:13] I got pool full of hippos that I throw my slaves into.
[00:30:21] Yeah, it was either Escobar or Escobar.
[00:30:38] Louisa grew up in a, like, he was a rotto other.
[00:30:43] But the hippo thing I already knew about, I asked her about it.
[00:30:46] But yeah, she said that he had tons of exotic animals.
[00:30:50] You know, kim.com has a swan or some shit.
[00:30:52] Why is everybody obsessed with kim.com right now?
[00:30:55] He's been around for a while, but what do you do this week?
[00:31:06] The fat, fat identity stuff is the funniest shit in the world.
[00:31:09] That's my fat brother that came back on.
[00:31:12] That people, like, that people, like, you feel that way?
[00:31:17] The people like Lindy, like, think that fat people in the middle of the country agree.
[00:31:35] The fat values are just the value meals like McDonald's.
[00:31:41] But yeah, every fat person is my brother.
[00:31:46] No, the reason people are talking about kim.com is because he came to Sean Hannity's defense
[00:31:52] because Sean Hannity was trying to push the Seth Rich story.
[00:31:56] And then Fox News apologized on behalf of Sean Hannity and he went on a sudden vacation
[00:32:01] So that is why people are talking about kim.com.
[00:32:19] But he's like also actually I found out I would look at his week of Peter.
[00:32:25] Yeah, he probably weighs like a thousand pounds.
[00:32:30] Although I got to say he's living in exile.
[00:32:34] Yeah, he started mega upload and then he had a bunch of investment.
[00:32:41] He also I think after nine or seven, he started like that.
[00:32:45] He started like a tech guys against terrorist thing where he was like, we're going to heck
[00:32:55] Yeah, he's the well, he's one of the seals.
[00:33:03] He's more of a do you have a stolen baller?
[00:33:08] I want to know where I'm trying to buy.
[00:33:11] Do you know where Jack and gay stolen baller?
[00:33:28] We've done a lot of racist characters on the show, but they labor who hurt his balls.
[00:33:47] He's got fucking these thighs are high.
[00:33:51] He's got first degree bridge on his thighs.
[00:34:03] How hot would your balls have to get before you fucking were in pain?
[00:34:11] Testicular cancer day labor needs to go up in the pantheon.
[00:34:12] The pantheon of great bits of great nuanced motherfucking ass.
[00:34:14] That's what that's what Lauren Michaels could have if you just hide top top five come time
[00:34:26] Australian guy with a mental disability.
[00:34:32] Neville Chamberlain and then Inspector Faggot.
[00:34:39] I don't know what Neville Chamberlain is.
[00:34:54] He should let Hitler do whatever he wants because he's so pretty.
[00:35:01] Oh, I didn't know that's the reason what the happened.
[00:35:03] Yeah, because he was kind of a pussy about Hitler.
[00:35:07] And then Churchill came in and he's like, I'm drunk.
[00:35:29] I think he got his fair share of pussy.
[00:35:34] We've talked about this on the show before, but if you're a British officer at it from like...
[00:35:51] Not aristocracy, but he came from a well-off family.
[00:35:55] And he elected to go into the trenches in World War I because...
[00:36:07] It was one of the William Prince Harry.
[00:36:30] That was the Halloween costume that was a Nazi.
[00:36:36] I want to sit in a gold chair, get my dick sucked, get fed grapes.
[00:36:39] We talked about on the last episode what we would do with 100 million dollars.
[00:36:48] Half of it goes to spec a lot of investments.
[00:37:02] I mean, that's like a basic principle of investing.
[00:37:15] There's the big we know as long as you didn't lose $20,000 that you would have lost this
[00:37:20] I wouldn't have lost him, but I would have been pissed off if I bought this week when
[00:37:23] I didn't think it was going to drop any further.
[00:37:25] Now it's dropped pretty low, but I would still buy Ripple.
[00:37:28] Well, I can't now because I have a podcast that has 100,000 listeners.
[00:37:31] So if I tell people to invest in something and then I invest in it, that's illegal.
[00:37:36] That's like, you know, man, live by the letter of the law.
[00:37:52] All we all we're doing is pushing Webistics.
[00:37:55] It would be really easy to run a crypto pumping dump with a podcast.
[00:38:00] If you have an audience, Rogan could probably do it really easy.
[00:38:03] Well, Rogan probably makes like $80 million in episode as it is.
[00:38:06] Does he sell like sugar pills and stuff like that?
[00:38:15] Does he have a line of like tap out style t-shirts?
[00:38:24] You know, I'm eating nuts and greens and meats.
[00:38:27] I would love to see you starve shit on your face while you're tied down to some train tracks.
[00:38:32] That's probably the first time you've ever said you expressed a lot of stuff.
[00:38:36] You don't have to express love for anything.
[00:38:38] Oh, it says this is a bunch of shit I say I love.
[00:38:43] That is those gay bands we were listening to.
[00:38:44] Yeah, the gay bands we were listening to.
[00:38:51] What was that gay ass band with the handle box like women?
[00:39:07] And then I came back in and he was listening to that live song.
[00:39:21] Dude, that's why you put up this gruff exterior because deep down you're just a big old saw.
[00:39:40] I said this on the lost episode, but I got it.
[00:39:55] I was being generous about the reason because you're bad mood, but the fan should know.
[00:40:19] But you lied by saying that I should do something.
[00:40:28] And I did it in accordance with a request of mine.
[00:40:47] That's such a great scene in that movie.
[00:41:03] You're coming here in your faggot white suit.
[00:41:10] I love that the, well, we probably talked about it already.
[00:41:14] The mask like perfectly coincided with like the 90s rock ability revival.
[00:41:24] It, it was just going to sit in the room.
[00:41:28] And then they said, let's make a movie that incorporates this.
[00:41:40] Swingers, Swingers is the movie that you could say pushed that cultural.
[00:41:44] Swingers might have come out after the mask.
[00:41:52] And fuck you too, you fucking giggly fat man.
[00:42:09] No, you're going to hit me or something.
[00:42:31] With bed, if not, you're not going to knock.
[00:42:34] Who were you doing when the mask came out?
[00:42:41] So you were completely talking out of your ass.
[00:42:44] You were completely talking out of your ass.
[00:42:48] You were just fucking condescending me to sound smart and dominant, but you were...
[00:42:52] I just said nothing about the chronology.
[00:42:57] The swing revival was totally happening in the mid 90s.
[00:43:00] I'm just saying that it's cold-sighted.
[00:43:01] You think the mask created swing revival.
[00:43:06] My original statement was that it coincided with swing revival.
[00:43:22] We went inside with swing revival and then you said...
[00:43:26] If anything brought on the swing revival, it was Swingers.
[00:43:31] If anything, Swingers came out after the mask.
[00:43:33] And I went right on all three accounts.
[00:43:35] You weren't right on all three accounts.
[00:43:39] I didn't even look up when you were right about.
[00:43:41] It is really a pointless and gay thing to be right about.
[00:43:46] You know what you guys, I get messages from fans all the time.
[00:43:49] Adam, I hear that boy is giving you a hard time
[00:43:52] and I want you to stand up for yourself.
[00:43:54] I want you to stay strong when you say all the time.
[00:43:57] There are a number of women that slide into my DMs
[00:44:03] And that you guys shouldn't have dragged my name through the mud
[00:44:16] You want to level the most salacious accusation against me.
[00:44:29] We have you stealing a bit from Ben O'Brien.
[00:44:33] We will find the audio of Ben saying, there's a difference.
[00:44:38] There's a difference between saying something that you heard and forgetting that you heard
[00:44:44] it and thinking that you came up with it, which is a natural human thing to do, and
[00:44:50] deliberately stealing someone's bid and passing it off as your own.
[00:44:54] There's a hard difference between that.
[00:44:56] You know what's great is you stole this argument from Karl
[00:45:04] To be fair, that is literally what they all say.
[00:45:14] We were having a fucking gay ass conversation with each other.
[00:45:20] And then I forgot that someone said that.
[00:45:22] This would be great when the video comes out of him, like over the eight, just some
[00:45:27] What I want to do is edit myself into when Harry Met Sally as the Ben O'Brien character.
[00:45:34] Guys, this is a character I came up with named Ben O'Brien.
[00:45:38] And so Ben's like this cool guy that has a thing called WAM City.
[00:45:41] This is 100% copyright ad and free live by the way.
[00:45:45] I always started a country group called Slamtown.
[00:45:50] I never tweet out other people's jokes.
[00:45:54] Look, pass off other people's jokes on stage.
[00:45:59] You're leveling an accusation against me.
[00:46:05] But like people listen to this and they think that I...
[00:46:16] I just want people to know it is funny.
[00:46:25] But then these fucking Spurgos that listen to the show are just like, you know, arm in
[00:46:34] You're using them of having a mental disability.
[00:46:39] You know, certain people have problems, man.
[00:46:43] I'm just saying, I'm just saying don't take everything you hear on a comedy program literally.
[00:46:52] All you're saying is my beloved boy's out there.
[00:46:54] And girls, we would like to inform you that you are supposed to take everything seriously.
[00:46:59] Please disregard the gay statement that Adam just made.
[00:47:04] Especially price to subject verification.
[00:47:12] I just want to say to the boys, to both of you, you guys, as my best friends, that I'm
[00:47:25] You get hot for me and Stav or Chill, dude.
[00:47:29] Yeah, you're having a good time with your coordinated harassment.
[00:47:36] We haven't talked signals to each other.
[00:47:40] Me and Nick have never spoken when it's not been recorded.
[00:47:43] Nick does third base coach style signals to Stav when he wants him to go in for his...
[00:47:48] You're just jealous that you can't do signals because you're a risk or two, Liam.
[00:47:52] My risk is getting a lot stronger recently.
[00:48:02] I'm from doggy paddling in a big bucket of comm.
[00:48:16] Do mice for it to a bucket of comm butter?
[00:48:46] But this bucket in particular was filled with comm.
[00:48:50] And Adam, at first in pleasure and then later in terror, jumped into the bucket to have
[00:49:01] At which point he realized, well, there's no way I'm getting out of this bucket of comm.
[00:49:10] He sucked as much of the comm up his ass as he could.
[00:49:15] He's not expecting to take a land, right?
[00:49:32] But he would just do walking all the time.
[00:49:38] There's a guy like that in every scene.
[00:49:46] It's me, the guy who can sort of do Christopher Walken.
[00:49:50] He would start every set with like some walk in a person who would go well.
[00:49:53] And then he'd be like, you guys ever see the walking dead?
[00:49:55] He'd be like, wouldn't it be something if Christopher Walken was in the walking?
[00:50:00] And he would just do every like all these things in areas.
[00:50:08] I can only really do Stone Cold Steve Austin and my friend Eric.
[00:50:15] And Michael Caine as done by Steve Kugen.
[00:50:19] You were really trying to get some mileage out of that one.
[00:50:30] You're just such a fucking piece of shit.
[00:50:36] You guys, the joy in this room right now is in translating to the recording.
[00:50:43] What I was talking about was the smile on Nick's face.
[00:50:45] This literally is the heaviest I ever seen him.
[00:50:50] I just bought $1,400 worth of audio equipment.
[00:50:53] I'm going to be listening to fucking Candlebox, Skinny Fucking, Delamie Tree.
[00:51:10] Do you remember Johnny Riggs getting caught with child pornography?
[00:51:18] They're like, their like main guy turned out to be a chair vocal.
[00:51:26] Yeah, I think Johnny Riggs may have been on DC 101 briefly too or something.
[00:51:37] He just listened to Big O and Duke's when they were on there.
[00:51:42] Yeah, I used to fucking listen to that.
[00:51:43] And then they just made it a fucking, they just made it a Hispanic radio station.
[00:51:52] No, it was the way after middle school.
[00:52:01] That was like the fucking alternative rock station.
[00:52:08] And they tried to bring it back, but it sucked.
[00:52:12] That was like a time for alternative rock.
[00:52:14] Well, it kind of defeated the purpose of HFS once, like the internet came.
[00:52:21] Because you're not like going to the radio to hear new alternatives actually.
[00:52:25] But I mean, in like the 90s when, you know, like there's one station playing like, you
[00:52:30] know, REM and, you know, or that one that matters to you like, candle box.
[00:52:35] That one show on MTV, 100, 120 minutes or whatever was like the one alternative.
[00:52:43] But they'd like have like sonic youth and stuff on it.
[00:52:55] They're cowboys, which are already badass.
[00:53:19] That was my that was I were not fighting.
[00:53:21] Don't talk about a man playing fucking you know what song also I like R.E.M. but everybody
[00:53:36] Who is that song for somebody with cancer maybe?
[00:53:42] It's not like mistreated the girl he's sad about right now.
[00:53:49] That idea that like oh everything will be okay or whatever.
[00:53:52] There's legitimate reasons for depression.
[00:53:55] Like finding out you have Parkinson's right.
[00:54:05] I think if you any I wanted to clarify.
[00:54:33] Everyone knows you were talking about it.
[00:54:52] Have you ever seen that video on YouTube?
[00:54:54] Like right after he died it was a Robin Williams.
[00:54:59] I've seen you go to a joke that Robin Williams is like Robin Hood if he stole jokes from
[00:55:09] Yeah, well Ben is a multi-millionaire and I'm giving it to the poor.
[00:55:20] There was some like shittier lower tier comic I saw and I can't remember.
[00:55:25] Just so he's dead we're supposed to pretend like he wasn't a piece of shit that stole jokes.
[00:55:41] Stop trying to fucking get cool points.
[00:55:52] There was like a there was like a slideshow video after he died that was set to Tupac.
[00:55:57] How many brothers fell this is the street rest of pieces.
[00:56:04] I do remember the video going out of him like, Hey, how was onky?
[00:56:12] And then being like, wow, he can even make a gorilla laugh.
[00:56:14] And to me that's like, all right, well, who Robin Williams-
[00:56:22] That's not what fucking comedy should be.
[00:56:25] Yeah, I'll do stand up comedy for gorillas and chimpanzees.
[00:56:31] It's about playing to the dumbest person in the room.
[00:56:38] No, I mean, he's a great actor, obviously.
[00:56:41] Hook was like a very important movie when I was a kid.
[00:56:53] Suck my father's penis and then make his ass.
[00:56:56] How about the movie Hook, but instead of an H, it starts with letter G.
[00:57:51] It was the guy that played fucking Roger Rabbit's detective guy.
[00:57:56] Wow, the two roles you probably paid for.
[00:58:05] Roger Rabbit is one of the top five best more movies of all time.
[00:58:08] You know, it's weird to kind of coincide it with more.
[00:58:15] I think I've heard someone say it before though.
[00:58:18] Who framed Roger Rabbit sort of coincided with cartoon characters?
[00:58:29] That's almost like we're being completely unfair and fucking with you.
[00:58:38] Well, it sounds like we're doing a bit on our comedy podcast.
[00:58:48] You probably thought those were real cool.
[00:58:51] Walk around bedside and your pink ass socks.
[00:58:59] Don't tell them when I'm wearing pink socks.
[00:59:08] I was looking for pink socks so I got them on my suit and I couldn't find them.
[00:59:25] Yeah, but I'm taking a continued education course.
[00:59:27] A bunch of old guys came out of the closet late.
[00:59:36] I'm 58 years old and I'm taking this workshop closer to my nephew.
[00:59:43] I used to make ships in a bottle with my tongue, so I'm sure I'll do pretty well.
[01:00:14] People are going to have grandpas and spend all their time playing like with some metal
[01:00:21] I don't know how to waste their time like I do.
[01:00:28] They're busy playing that game where the machine sucks you off 24 hours a day while injecting
[01:00:38] If the Matrix just sucked your dick, actually, that's a bit we've done.
[01:00:52] Is it the Matrix kind of the goal of socialism?
[01:00:56] It's like a fantasy world where everybody's sort of doing okay.
[01:01:00] It's like the world we're in right now with homeless people and shitty stuff.
[01:01:08] But okay, but if you tweak the Matrix and everyone's having a good ass time, let the
[01:01:13] No, everyone's having a good ass time listening to a hard style techno in Zion.
[01:01:20] Because I never saw the second ones in the third one.
[01:01:24] Oh, I guess they went to Zion in the second and third one.
[01:01:28] It's they're all in a cave listening to hard style techno having a ray.
[01:01:35] They're like, they're wearing like leather trench coats.
[01:01:41] Of course, because you're putting it into a microphone like wind guard, which is obviously
[01:02:01] No, it's where the fuck are you going, dude?
[01:02:06] He's walking around in the podcast because his vagina can't be sealed like a penis.
[01:02:14] So he has to pee and can't go an hour without fucking.
[01:02:20] Oh, dude, speaking of vaginas and peeing, when I went to get my MRI, this old lady was
[01:02:27] in the bathroom before me and I went into fucking piss.
[01:02:41] They're the ones doing the man spreading.
[01:02:46] They're the ones that don't have any sense of, uh, propriety in public.
[01:02:51] But you ever see a woman that thinks she can just yell at somebody?
[01:02:54] I had some woman yell fucking happy, say go to my out at me while I was just going, minding
[01:03:09] Second of all, maybe it's not as happy.
[01:03:14] Like, uh, like the price for the crypto currency.
[01:03:18] I invested in this suddenly tumbled to an all time low.
[01:03:35] I wonder how, I wonder how the guy I work with who invested in this shit is feeling right
[01:03:42] It's still like 18%, 18 times higher than what he did.
[01:03:48] Yeah, he made like, well, and his, off his initial investment, he made like $50,000.
[01:04:00] Like you think that, you know, if you really believe in this shit, and you know, unless
[01:04:03] you're like, just looking for short term investments, and then you might as well fucking gamble
[01:04:13] Like I said, I used to gamble when I was in eighth grade, when I was a little kid, I would
[01:04:18] And although you know what, maybe it'd be fun to make sports a little more fun.
[01:04:22] I would, I would definitely, if I got into gambling to sports betting, but slot machines
[01:04:31] Just throw a hundred bucks, yeah, your 20 bucks is gone in like less than a minute.
[01:04:40] With the worst place, just like a whole group around that shit.
[01:04:42] The worst thing in the world is seeing like a smoke filled casino, and then just these
[01:04:45] old goblins just dragging around their oxygen tanks.
[01:04:51] They have fucking retirement communities in Vegas because there's no state tax.
[01:04:56] And there are shuttle buses to the casinos where they just blow their kids' inheritances.
[01:05:14] I know Florida and Texas, or Texas is like that too.
[01:05:17] Texas and Florida, neither of those have.
[01:05:24] Incorporation's always credit card companies because there's no sales tax.
[01:05:30] I guess because of like transactional taxes.
[01:05:35] Peter, I got an impulse Amtrak credit card.
[01:05:46] My credit's just, I just don't have any credit.
[01:05:47] How can you build credit if you don't have it?
[01:05:48] I need to get one of those like short-time bullshit credit cards, which I don't want
[01:05:53] I got applied for the Amazon one and they declined me.
[01:06:02] Well, I can show you the, it says not enough established credit history.
[01:06:12] That's better than mine, I got a couple points.
[01:06:16] Because that loan, whatever this is pouring.
[01:06:18] Yeah, I mean, I guess I have like good banking history, but, you know.
[01:06:23] I'm not going to have enough cards because I've never, I've like never had any debt.
[01:06:26] I mean, I've never needed, I just buy everything with cash.
[01:06:28] The only thing, just being my credit afloat really is the fact that I make student loans
[01:06:36] I pay like, you know, shit ton of money.
[01:06:43] I'm going to be taking the, you got to be able to buy a train.
[01:06:47] Can you have a private train in this country?
[01:06:52] They won't let a man have his own train.
[01:06:55] How would you, I want my own luxury train.
[01:07:07] Think my, one of my buddies from college, Josh, you guys know Josh, you met him.
[01:07:28] You have to fucking go somewhere and like plan things.
[01:07:34] You just get a flight and you figure it out when you're there.
[01:07:53] But the short, yeah, we actually did talk about this.
[01:07:55] We'll do a fucking live show in DC and then hit the short.
[01:07:58] If there's any listeners of the show that are HIV positive that are willing to surreptitiously
[01:08:04] infect Adam with like a syringe that I am noticing, message me, let me know where you
[01:08:10] live and I'll over the next year drop hints about visiting or telling.
[01:08:22] It'd be funny if a new kid San Francisco and created some sort of like airborne super
[01:08:38] San Francisco is going to not really like that anymore.
[01:08:41] There's like the Castro, but that's like two streets, you know?
[01:08:47] What do you mean cult because of the computers?
[01:08:50] Well, yeah, they're like, you know, well, it's San Francisco.
[01:08:54] San Francisco is like synonymous with saying.
[01:08:56] Yeah, but I feel like it's like not like that anymore.
[01:08:59] I mean, so, so the San Francisco, like, uh, rice around it.
[01:09:04] Like 2% of what being gay is involves having sex with other men.
[01:09:28] I know it's saying grace at the fucking dinner table when you're just trying to play video
[01:09:31] So I'm going to fucking kiss your stupid ass grandma on the face because it's Thanksgiving.
[01:09:53] I think playing electric guitar is not gay.
[01:09:57] No, getting in a monster trucks and jumping up and down on a bed.
[01:10:04] No, not if you're playing electric guitar.
[01:10:11] You know, lock the doors, lock the gates, lock the gates, lock the gates.
[01:10:39] She just, just Mark Marin saying slurs in his, what the fuck intro?
[01:10:45] What the Puerto Ricans, what the, remember when Barack Obama went on?
[01:10:53] Maybe he used another racial slur, but I remember being Chink.
[01:11:09] You know, Seinfeld, I just want to say thank you for having me on the show.
[01:11:13] I've been a fan of yours since the earliest days of cheers.
[01:11:16] I watch every single episode of your show.
[01:11:19] I love the interactions between you and karma.
[01:11:23] You know, I thought, I thought Greg was such a funny character.
[01:11:30] We had so much fun in your apartment on the show, Frazier, which you started.
[01:11:39] Of course, it's not as good as my show.
[01:11:41] The apprentice, we went 14 seasons, number one show on television.
[01:11:45] But I tell you, perfect strangers started with you, Jerry Seinfeld.
[01:11:53] Was the number one black lead show on daytime television from 1977 until 1962.
[01:12:07] And a lot of people said, how does that even happen?
[01:12:10] Well, by being very, very, very good, hugely good.
[01:12:17] A second best show, maybe after the apprentice.
[01:12:21] A lot of people hate going to the fucking post office.
[01:12:24] Hey, can you get rid of the post office as the president?
[01:12:37] I thought you were doing your own thing.
[01:12:44] It is funny seeing Trump get disrespected and overseas.
[01:12:49] People were respecting the shit out of him.
[01:12:56] That guy, when the fucking French guy greeted Merkel instead of him, that was pretty fucking
[01:13:04] One of the greatest characters on site.
[01:13:12] You know, I thought of that myself actually.
[01:13:15] I was the first person to say, what if we had a black boy that thought he was a Korean American?
[01:13:20] And that's where Steve Merkel came from.
[01:13:27] Joseph Mangala, one of my favorite characters, favorite sitcom characters of all time.
[01:13:37] We should have ended this episode a while ago.
[01:13:41] Well, we owe it to the real accommodation.
[01:13:46] You owe everyone an apology for fucking up the last one.
[01:13:59] I'm trying to put a squat rack in this apartment.
[01:14:06] You promised you would not tell the audience that I pay to be on this apartment.
[01:14:10] And now I feel like you've crossed the line.
[01:14:28] Yeah, because it writes off pens and stuff.
[01:14:32] The government expects you to do that shit.
[01:14:33] If you're not writing stuff off your bad business, man, you're fucking idiot.
[01:14:41] You lose money by going to the CPA because they do everything by the book.
[01:15:07] Yeah, the podcast wasn't making money until December.
[01:15:09] Actually, you're right, because I only made money off every job.
[01:15:11] Yeah, we only started a Patreon at the end of the year.
[01:15:14] Last year, I had two television writing jobs that spanned maybe three months' time.
[01:15:21] You had comedy knock out, what's the other one?
[01:15:25] So, I had the money from that and then the truck driving jobs here and there.
[01:15:31] I mean, I've been making like quarter with payments.
[01:15:33] But you're paying taxes on that show stuff.
[01:15:35] Yeah, I mean, all that money I made in Los Angeles, I mean, I've already paid...
[01:15:40] I've already paid like the shit on the taxes already for this year.
[01:15:46] Fuck, dude, I'm a libertarian when I pay taxes.
[01:15:54] You fucking call money to the government.
[01:15:55] What I don't like is that we've established this system where it's like you try to
[01:16:00] cheat the government out of it as much as possible.
[01:16:04] And then it's on me to figure out all these loopholes and shit.
[01:16:09] And if you do it and fuck up, then you know...
[01:16:14] But it's like they waste all this time sending a fucking auditor to your house.
[01:16:17] There should be a way where it's like...
[01:16:22] If you earn under a certain threshold, they just do computer audits.
[01:16:25] And it's like, I'm sure there has to be some way to take a couple of billions of dollars.
[01:16:30] And invest in software that works that everyone has access to where you're not going to do
[01:16:36] some third party to file this and all this other shit.
[01:16:40] And it's fucked up too because the company is into it, the people that make turbo tax
[01:16:45] and stuff, they actively lobby the government to keep taxes complicated.
[01:16:54] And it's like, just give them a government contract.
[01:16:55] Let them write the fucking software that does everyone's taxes for you.
[01:16:58] You know, then you're in business forever because you always have to update the software.
[01:17:02] You keep fucking patting your budget every fucking year.
[01:17:11] I don't mind paying taxes as long as they go to buying the Gaze bomb of all time.
[01:17:18] As long as my money's going to homeless POCs, WSEs, you know, as if...
[01:17:26] Every one of my dollars goes to a Rose Emoji person.
[01:17:28] That way I'm morally, I'm better than everyone else.
[01:17:33] That's what I want my shit going towards, dude.
[01:17:35] I mean, I guess half of whatever we pay in taxes goes to the military.
[01:17:41] I wouldn't be surprised if half the money that you pay in taxes just gets lost in the
[01:17:47] The other half goes to fund the USPS, which is a fucking broken piece of shit.
[01:17:54] I mean, it's fine if you're not like...
[01:18:08] Yeah, but is it their fault or is it the bank's fault?
[01:18:10] It's absolutely the post office's fault.
[01:18:14] I mean, what the fucking bank mailed it, they have like a...
[01:18:22] I'm glad that we're ending on this rant about government services.
[01:18:28] Everybody in Hour 2 is just going to be like, another problem with AutoZone.
[01:18:30] They make their employees sing a dumb ass song at the beginning of the day.
[01:18:43] I would have assumed that was the pet boys.
[01:18:49] There's three guys that are all 2 and 1 half feet tall.
[01:18:53] And they have foot and 1 half of which is just their head.
[01:19:13] Suck my penis is my favorite juggle vault.
[01:19:32] But I mean, there's a lot of shit I liked when I was a fucking infant.
[01:19:34] When I was 8 years old, I wanted to suck your dick.
[01:19:37] I like putting teething rings in my mouth, you know?
[01:19:43] I find it to be homo-rod to put anything in my mouth.
[01:19:49] Yeah, I subscribed to the Sopranos School of Eating Pussy's Gay.
[01:20:04] You know, guys, we got to talk about something.
[01:20:10] I feel like it should end on some kind of riff.
[01:20:19] I feel like it should end on some kind of riff.
[01:20:24] What does Adam have in common with the drug AZT?
[01:20:28] Oh, is that that AIDS drug from the 80s?
[01:20:35] What does AZT have in common with a man's penis?
[01:20:41] They both go in Adam's house every day and his ass.
[01:20:55] I think that's actually the bottle it comes in.
[01:20:58] He puts in his ass after he's done taking over.
[01:21:10] I mean, it's kind of irresponsible if you do not take PrEP.
[01:21:14] You're endangering all you and all of your colleagues.
[01:21:26] I wish there was male birth control though, for real.
[01:21:36] This is the sexual gender roles that I...
[01:21:42] You know what I was laughing about is the idea of Richard Attenborough being like,
[01:21:48] gender's a whole island filled with gender's.
[01:21:54] There's a fat tumbler girl with purple hair and a nose ring.
[01:21:58] You just extract the genders from the DNA.
[01:22:04] And basically you can replicate any theoretically any gender that you want.