Cum Town | Premium | 06/20/2017
[00:00:08] Uh, top stories today, Bill Cosby innocent on all every single charge.
[00:00:14] I think we owe Bill Cosby a massive apology.
[00:00:17] I don't, cause I always said he was innocent.
[00:00:20] Well, no, I assaulted his name multiple times, because I always believe, and turns out that that is the wrong thing to do.
[00:00:28] Absolutely. He's a fellow comic, which is another betrayal, is that you have to also.
[00:00:33] If you guys didn't pay attention to the trial, uh, last year Bill Cosby was arrested for 47 rape, raping 47 women.
[00:00:41] Um, and the trial went out, the prosecution laid out their case saying that we're trying every single one of the rapes Bill Cosby is accused of.
[00:00:51] And, uh, it was up to the jury to decide conclusively whether 47 verdicts.
[00:00:57] Whether every, every single one of them happened or not.
[00:01:00] And today the jury came back and said, without any question, Bill Cosby is 100% innocent.
[00:01:10] There's, uh, every type of evidence you have, eyewitness DNA, bite sample analysis.
[00:01:22] Um, there was a pussy under some floorboards that was beating because it was lying.
[00:01:31] There was, uh, those fat twins from the Simpsons came in and they said that Bill Cosby didn't do it.
[00:01:38] And then I was actually, they found if you, there's a section of the Bible, I guess people just didn't notice.
[00:01:48] It says, uh, Leviticus 2616 and he who shall wear the sweaters.
[00:02:03] Well, big boon for the men's rights community.
[00:02:08] Um, I love that it was finally get that Jello campaign back.
[00:02:12] They owe him a lot of money, whoever, and, uh, he should get technically all of his honorary doctorates back then.
[00:02:24] It would be great if Subway was like, all right, we need another mascot, but our stocks were hit pretty hard with the Jared thing.
[00:02:48] He's training when the kids, Jello, Fred.
[00:02:51] Uh, I love that it was a mistrial that is like, it was a hung jury.
[00:02:57] It's like why you got to have so many brothers on the jury, you know, that's why it's hung.
[00:03:03] Well, I saw a couple of articles yesterday that were like, the judge was not pleased that the defense asked for a mistrial.
[00:03:10] And he's like, the judge is pissed at the defense.
[00:03:13] And then literally the next day, judge occurs mistrial.
[00:03:16] So basically these people were just like, I don't know.
[00:03:23] No, we kept asking to revisit the evidence from, from like the case.
[00:03:29] And like I guess the defense asked the judge to declare a mistrial because they're like continuing to retry.
[00:03:38] All the evidence in the, in the liberation.
[00:03:43] I think that there was just one brave juror that was there.
[00:04:10] The only thing I remember about that movie is the guy that does the voice of winning the poo is one of the jurors.
[00:04:17] And you can't like not, he's just like, oh, bother.
[00:04:26] I've never, I've got to watch, I've actually have seen that.
[00:04:34] That was like one of those, those times in school where you're like, you're enjoying learning and you're like, fuck this.
[00:04:45] Yeah, they wheel in the TV on one of those carts.
[00:04:50] I remember when we watched that movie, we all really got into hornets.
[00:04:56] We were like, when you like, fold it up a piece of paper, like really thin.
[00:05:01] Oh, and then you, and then you put it on a rubber bench and then you'd shoot it and you get like a massive
[00:05:07] We got really into hornets and there was a sub and we were watching 12 Angry Men and we shot, we're shooting
[00:05:14] Like every time this old ass man turned around and somebody hit the sub in the eye.
[00:05:21] My friend, Ralphie, got like, had to get suspended because he.
[00:05:27] I think the sub had to go to the hospital.
[00:05:34] Just this poor old man trying to make ends meet.
[00:05:41] The old black guy that had military and he has to tell the kids that.
[00:05:46] That was like key and peel sketch, right?
[00:05:48] The, the, you know, the substitute teacher that couldn't say people's names, right?
[00:05:58] He's like the perfect example of that, of that like X marine old black dude that they used
[00:06:24] And there's some kind of, I think it's like chicken stock, but I don't know.
[00:06:27] I've never, we've never tortured a substitute.
[00:06:30] I remember the worst thing I've ever done to a substitute or anyone in my class hitting
[00:06:38] I remember driving a teacher nuts one time because underneath the desk there was like
[00:06:44] this, I guess, like big dowel hole for a screw to go in or something and I would put my finger
[00:06:50] in it and then like make a popping noise at the bottom.
[00:06:53] And he couldn't figure out where it was coming from.
[00:06:56] I would just do it the whole class long.
[00:06:58] And he was like, who the fuck is doing that?
[00:07:08] You remember those like Cassio watches that had a universal remote?
[00:07:13] So like whenever we'd watch movies in gym, when it was like raining outside, my friend
[00:07:16] had one of those watches and he turned the TV off.
[00:07:19] That's pretty fucking coach prior is to go nuts.
[00:07:22] We had this British coach who we found out had testicular cancer.
[00:07:28] You made fun of him when I was having both his balls.
[00:07:37] I remember my gym teacher, Cleon Small, I was a telemarketer in high school and I found
[00:07:44] his name came up as like a random person to call and I just from the telemarkers office
[00:07:50] called him and said that his account was overdue with gay sex.com.
[00:07:59] And I was like, was your, was your, was your law?
[00:08:10] That doesn't require having a telemarketing job.
[00:08:14] Yeah, I guess that's just a way to get fired.
[00:08:19] That was American government mortgage, baby.
[00:08:21] You know, what was the best prank as a teen is when you could pick up like the phone at
[00:08:25] Walmart and use the intercom by pressing.
[00:08:37] There's a button you press and then you can use the intercom.
[00:08:41] I used to know how to make pay phones call themselves back.
[00:08:44] You'd hit like nine, five, eight and then the last four digits of the phone number of the
[00:08:50] pay phone and then it would go silent for like three seconds and you get a dial tone.
[00:08:56] And then really after five seconds, the phone would call itself back, creates like some kind
[00:09:02] There used to be people that like hack phone systems.
[00:09:08] I guess. You could just convince some old lady to switch the wrong thing.
[00:09:13] I love that scene in a fucking was it the Italian job remake where with Marky Mark.
[00:09:25] Because he like, or maybe it's the new guy is the movie.
[00:09:30] What's the one with DJ Qualls or he's the hacker?
[00:09:34] Those are like really not movies where the guy like just takes a cell phone.
[00:09:37] And he like whistles into the cell phone.
[00:09:40] He's like, you know, you now have free long distance for life.
[00:09:44] That used to be like the phone company can't just figure it out and cut it off at some
[00:09:51] Well, it's also like that's just worthless now.
[00:10:00] You can only talk at nights and weekends.
[00:10:05] And that was like a big selling factor is free nights and weekends.
[00:10:12] Sprint used to have it at seven and all the other.
[00:10:18] I was like, I had a girlfriend from Jewish summer camp on the east coast.
[00:10:20] So we used to, she used to call me after nine on their, on their time.
[00:10:25] And then I got in trouble one month because it was, didn't count as free.
[00:10:29] And I got my cell phone taken away from one.
[00:10:33] We're chatting with some girl named Esther.
[00:10:36] I remember when I was 15, I had a, I had like a tiddies.
[00:10:40] I was like the one thing I wanted when I worked at that cell phone place is like a, a corporate
[00:10:46] So you get like a phone and then like eventually they gave me my own like corporate phone for
[00:10:59] I had like a shitty prepaid like Nokia candy bar phone.
[00:11:02] They only ever had like 20 minutes on it.
[00:11:04] But then I had my like fucking, my business man phone.
[00:11:25] I remember it was like the nicest clam shell phone that sprint had at the time.
[00:11:29] Because it was like nobody had a fucking there weren't, there was no such thing as smart
[00:11:37] Remember the internet on those old phones?
[00:11:39] Or it was just be like, it would just take forever like a fucking satellite signal would
[00:11:47] It's like, you just freaked the fuck out.
[00:11:51] You're like, fuck, my parents are going to kill me.
[00:11:52] I remember my friend had a, before he didn't have a smartphone and everyone else had smartphones.
[00:12:05] When I had my, I had my LG fucking, what was it called?
[00:12:08] I fucking used to love that phone, dude.
[00:12:10] The rumor, the LG rumor that was my shit.
[00:12:13] I didn't have text messaging or a smartphone until I moved to New York.
[00:12:22] I had a cell phone, but I forgot about that.
[00:12:23] I used to Facebook message me like, I'll be there at nine.
[00:12:27] I would use Google voice to text people.
[00:12:30] So I would have to like go to a computer and I could text people from the computer.
[00:12:39] Both you assholes didn't have fucking phones.
[00:12:41] And it would just be like, well, I guess we hope they're coming here.
[00:12:47] You would send a fucking, it's weird to think I live like that.
[00:13:00] I remember I was like dating Dana at the time.
[00:13:03] And she was like, oh, yeah, you get a, she should get a smartphone.
[00:13:07] Like, nah, I'll just be fucking staring at it all the time.
[00:13:09] And then she was like, yeah, but like it'll be easy to like text and stuff.
[00:13:13] And then I got one and like a week later she was like, okay, this is a mistake.
[00:13:20] I do remember having to text Dana to see where the fuck you were.
[00:13:28] That was the next sleeping in his car drunk.
[00:13:31] I miss, I miss being that incognito, you know, like Jason Bourne.
[00:13:43] And it's so clear that fucking Ben Affleck was like, I want to do Jason Bourne style shit
[00:13:53] I'm Jason Bourne, but I can't connect with people.
[00:13:59] That fucking Voss called Evan Williams, Jason, still born one time.
[00:14:11] And I was like, I think I was also judging.
[00:14:14] I don't know what it was, but I was like, I was like, rich, that was really funny.
[00:14:18] And he was like, yeah, I fucking know it was.
[00:14:24] I'm not complimenting you because no one laughed at it.
[00:14:26] And he was like, oh, no, I'm not funny.
[00:14:28] And he was like, oh, I'm like, that's not what I'm saying.
[00:14:43] When you couldn't tell me shit, which is when I got the razor, I got the red, the AIDS
[00:14:53] The razor and the fucking nine, the next to I'm nine.
[00:15:01] I remember like, start tech from like 2005 to 2008.
[00:15:07] Did they call it that because it looked like Star Trek?
[00:15:09] No, it was the first phone was like the something track.
[00:15:28] Blackberries were nice before the iPhone came out.
[00:15:41] That motherfucker ate nine eggs from breakfast in the other morning.
[00:15:45] This concert is over the nine eggs over.
[00:15:52] His farts are probably absolutely atomic.
[00:15:58] I put a bunch of raw eggs in a smoothie the other way.
[00:16:06] As long as eggs are pasteurized, you can eat them raw.
[00:16:08] But like only raw eggs saying is for like children in the elderly.
[00:16:11] Your odds of like actually getting salmonella is like slended nuts.
[00:16:23] It's not ground all the way, but it's a good ass cut of meat.
[00:16:29] I don't get how it doesn't make any sense.
[00:16:36] You see or the outside of the steak, but a rare steak is fucking, it's completely uncooked.
[00:16:44] No, you're feigning ignorance for the, to have this like fun back and forth.
[00:16:51] Every time I get something wrong on the pod, it's because I'm feigning ignorance.
[00:17:02] And you didn't know your whole everything.
[00:17:07] That's why steak is like goes cold real quick because the inside is still good.
[00:17:16] I just don't get how it does make you sick.
[00:17:18] The reason we have to cook everything is because all our food is horrible now.
[00:17:23] No, I mean, it does, it does sanitize the food.
[00:17:26] Cooking food does like get rid of parasites and shit and bacteria.
[00:17:31] Things taste good when you're supposed to fire.
[00:17:35] I guess it said Amber said something about Martin Elleys.
[00:17:49] It's pop a couple bottles of Martin Elley.
[00:17:55] That's like the best part about sobriety is it's an excuse to drink Martin Elleys on
[00:18:00] You need to drink fun little gaseous man.
[00:18:09] I mean, I mean, if you consider like we evolved to just eat what the fuck ever.
[00:18:14] Like it's always bullshit about like paleo diets and like, oh, the best of care.
[00:18:21] And caveman probably just like a dirt and like whatever they could fucking find.
[00:18:26] I mean, we need like pine cones and just, you know, whatever you could.
[00:18:30] They would eat like dogs or, you know, any other animal does.
[00:18:37] My dog ate two duck breasts that my roommate left out when he went inside his bedroom to
[00:18:45] I went to turtle in Los Angeles like a couple of years ago when I was there.
[00:18:54] And I was just like ripping grass out of the ground in front of its face and like giving
[00:19:00] And it's like, man, imagine, imagine that you're just surrounded by food like literally two
[00:19:08] If you're okay with eating grass, I guess.
[00:19:13] Everywhere I go, just a hand feeding me buffalo wings.
[00:19:17] A giant hand that don't understand giving me treats.
[00:19:36] You basically turn the turtle over and pour boiling water on its stomach until its stomach
[00:19:46] My friend Pete's dad got him what he thought was a pet rabbit.
[00:19:54] I guess like eating any other animal, but they seem so nice, you know, and they fuck
[00:20:02] I can't eat anything that fucks like a champ.
[00:20:12] Well, bulls, I guess fuck, but I love steak.
[00:20:15] I used to think growing up though like...
[00:20:18] Being a Gentile was like, you had bacon like three meals a day.
[00:20:21] I used to think it was like the best life ever.
[00:20:25] So wait, Jews can eat pork and Muslims can eat pork and Hindus can eat pork.
[00:20:28] Yeah, but my family were like hypocrites.
[00:20:30] Like we'd eat pork out of the house, but like...
[00:20:33] We wouldn't have it in our house for some reason.
[00:20:43] Yeah, I mean that seemed like the rawest part of the deal was that we couldn't have bacon
[00:20:50] It's like you fasted for Lent, but then you all bets are off, dude.
[00:20:59] You guys have fuck a lot of spit kind of the shit, right?
[00:21:03] I mean, steak and eggs two days in a row.
[00:21:10] Making steak and corn in the common mushroom.
[00:21:18] And then you bring it to a boil, drop the corn in, and when the boil comes back, you
[00:21:31] Throw a little fucking butter on that shit.
[00:21:34] No, you need to put it in a pot of boiling crawfish.
[00:21:38] Has some fucking old base, three-rotch.
[00:21:41] You ever have crawfish that just somebody fucked up and didn't cook good?
[00:21:47] And the shell is like fucking plastic-y and leathery and it's not even hard.
[00:21:52] Because they look so appetizing because the time you have them is when they're good.
[00:21:58] Yeah, they're like bright red and beautiful.
[00:22:00] I'm about to go to New Orleans with George and Josh in July.
[00:22:11] Yo, if you grow one to lobster size, that means you could just grow a lobster at human
[00:22:17] You know, and then you got a giant fucking lobster.
[00:22:24] I'm going to have lobster talent forever.
[00:22:34] A crab's a lobster roll. You get a hot dog bun with lobster on it.
[00:22:40] Dude, let's go to Long Island and have fucking seafood.
[00:22:50] I would be down if we put a bay weekend in the calendar.
[00:22:53] I just want to go to Billy Joel country, guys.
[00:23:02] I do want to get the problem with eating crabs.
[00:23:05] I want to go to our town and pretend to be German tourists that are really in the
[00:23:09] We are here to see the Billy Joel town.
[00:23:15] We want to see where they were standing in line.
[00:23:37] It's like all that whole Lehigh Valley area is just like, because I was looking at property
[00:23:44] there because it's pretty close to New York.
[00:23:46] It's much closer to two and a half hours.
[00:23:50] Easton P.A. to New York is like an hour.
[00:24:00] The property taxes, they're fucking insane.
[00:24:06] Well, you got to give it to all those welfare queens living in Philadelphia.
[00:24:42] New Hampshire, live for your die, right?
[00:24:44] New Hampshire is the most libertarian state.
[00:24:50] It's weird, but yeah, it's weird because it's like I always think of every new England
[00:25:16] If we could if you could live in any state.
[00:25:23] So why you say you paid $12 for a gallon of milk?
[00:25:26] It's a condition of being an American citizen.
[00:25:31] If you could get on any mode of transportation.
[00:25:34] You mean if I could like deal with living in a state like an I don't.
[00:25:38] I think I'm going to have to living like it feels like we're living in New York or
[00:25:44] I mean so like if realistically I could never leave New York or I have to live in New York
[00:25:48] or Los Angeles for the rest of my life.
[00:25:56] I would buy that property in Alaska I was looking at.
[00:26:02] And there's no property to some big fuck.
[00:26:08] Don't you make money for living in Alaska because of the the oil revenue like every
[00:26:13] citizen gets like $20,000 a year or something like that in certain areas.
[00:26:19] I'm trying to go fuck Sarah Palin's daughter in Alaska.
[00:26:25] Her pussy is ruined from having like 12 children.
[00:26:49] I love her that Steve Kerr has a son named Nick.
[00:27:04] The Warriors voted unanimously to stick it to Trump.
[00:27:08] You knew how to sign with Down syndrome?
[00:27:19] He's like, we came from chimps and people are like, I don't know.
[00:27:24] But what I made is I was trying to peel a banana and figure it out.
[00:27:31] He's riding a tricycle around in the background.
[00:27:37] Technically, he should have just released his retarded son out into the wild and seen
[00:27:45] He would have evolved into a normal kid.
[00:27:51] He's not going to find school for retarded kids.
[00:27:57] What happened to my slow, strong brother?
[00:28:14] We just invented slavery, but for retarded people.
[00:28:21] Anytime you see a retarded guy working at a fast food restaurant, their wages are subsidized
[00:28:30] Yeah, the business gets kickbacks from the state.
[00:28:36] They're not being paid by the fucking company to work there.
[00:28:40] They get like a bullshit amount of money.
[00:28:42] They get to get chocolate milk and fucking...
[00:28:46] And they can make seven sourdough jacks a minute.
[00:28:53] Just this legal told the story about how I used to just volunteer with the retarded
[00:28:56] guys and they would just fucking get them.
[00:29:02] Just like a full gallon of chocolate milk.
[00:29:11] Honestly, my real dream is to just be able to order seamless and play video games and
[00:29:22] The only thing separating me from my ideal life is...
[00:29:27] Having workshop space where I can make stuff.
[00:29:35] I would prefer to be doing stand up again.
[00:29:37] I tried to go out last night, but the fucking G never showed up and then the G is deaf and
[00:29:42] then the shuttle didn't show up either.
[00:29:44] I was like, oh, now I remember why I can't do comedy.
[00:29:51] Yeah, you have to leave your house in the morning and just fucking...
[00:30:08] Well, I'm doing a big show next week if anyone's trying to go out.
[00:30:11] I literally haven't done like a set since February.
[00:30:21] Well, this month, guys, just a reminder, we have funny moms on the whatever it is.
[00:30:27] And we might have some surprise, huge celebrity guests this month.
[00:30:32] And by that, we mean we haven't booked it and maybe we might.
[00:30:36] We're probably not, but who knows, man?
[00:30:54] Isn't that water fucked up in the dirty?
[00:31:00] And tubing is like, if you don't drink tubing, you're just socks dude.
[00:31:06] Get on the river and then you're stuck.
[00:31:14] What if we figure out the tube and if I can do lines at the same time, dude?
[00:31:24] Just talking about the screenplay we're going to write the whole time down the river.
[00:31:38] I'm too much of a bitch to go to amusement parks.
[00:31:45] Do you know what sucks about going to amusement parks is like, you don't realize you only
[00:31:49] have time to ride one or two roller coasters?
[00:31:53] Because when you're like, you do, you go to a park as a kid and you're like, yeah, I
[00:31:57] I would remember going to the park and it was like a huge day and we did all this shit,
[00:32:04] Well, they shut the rides down on a rainy day, but I fucking, I went to Magic Mountain
[00:32:10] in California and it was like, I went as soon as the park opened and I'm like, I'm
[00:32:16] I think we went on one good roller coaster.
[00:32:18] Will you lost your wallet with the first 10 minutes?
[00:32:23] So it was like, I lost the wallet and then it's like, fuck it.
[00:32:24] I'll deal with this at the end of the day.
[00:32:26] That Instagram you took at Magic Mountain with the Joker is the funniest Instagram
[00:32:31] I've never told them that at the particular joke, with his fingers tending his finger.
[00:32:38] Not even in his like venture accounting or some bullshit.
[00:32:39] And it is like, it's not even in the like little bullshit Batman play.
[00:32:52] I went to, I started going to commercial auditions against the guy and I was like, oh,
[00:33:01] you have to sit in the waiting room with actors.
[00:33:04] It's the most fucking thing in the world.
[00:33:06] And then it's always like, it's always some fucking entitled woman who's sitting there
[00:33:10] that's like, you know, if the appointments are being blown by like 10 minutes, she's
[00:33:15] like, you know, people have got places to be.
[00:33:18] And I like to look at you as to get like some kind of camaraderie about them being shitty
[00:33:22] about the situation, you know, and but her problem is everyone else.
[00:33:28] And I'm looking for like some way to connect with somebody else through her feeling better
[00:33:33] than everybody else in more entitled to the fucking time and front of the camera.
[00:33:40] And the only times I've ever been on like auditions, it's just been like all these fucking Jewish
[00:33:45] kids from Long Island, whose parents bought all their clothes.
[00:33:57] And I know auditions, everyone's been like really gay and like kind of spineless and like
[00:34:02] what do you know, spineless principles.
[00:34:04] I love completely ignoring the wardrobe notes.
[00:34:11] I went to I went to one on Monday, they were like dressed grunge.
[00:34:15] And so I go there and like people actually brought skateboards with them.
[00:34:27] You wore sweat pants and a fucking sleeveless house of cards t-shirt.
[00:34:40] I want to start auditioning for more stuff.
[00:34:47] There's got to be rules for, you know, fat.
[00:34:49] Half the time there's not even there's not even sides to read.
[00:34:54] The one I went on on Monday, they take three people in the room at once.
[00:34:58] And then they were like, you know, so tell us something that inspires you.
[00:35:03] And it's like, yeah, it was like a bullshit job interview thing.
[00:35:06] And then, you know, usually like nothing.
[00:35:09] I mean, this is like a waste of my time.
[00:35:12] I'll like go in there and I'll read the fucking lines and maybe I'll get something.
[00:35:17] And if I do, great, because it's like $40,000.
[00:35:22] To like try and get a, it's fucking pointless.
[00:35:26] That kid that Brandon Wardell's old roommate, I see him on like national.
[00:35:30] Just because he looks like a fucking idiot.
[00:35:36] He's like on fucking Skittles commercials and shit.
[00:35:39] Yeah, but you look stupid and I look stupid.
[00:35:48] I'm just like, I'm just like a weird guy.
[00:35:50] Yeah, but they sign me because of stand up and they're like, oh, wow, you know, he's
[00:36:03] Girl through the compliments of those cats, muscles.
[00:36:14] You're talking about why you got some of the worst way.
[00:36:16] Oh yeah, but I can't like act or whatever.
[00:36:19] The direction they give you is like, you know, they're like, you know, we don't want something
[00:36:24] So like just play casual and it's like, okay, so you want the commercial version of whatever
[00:36:31] You want it to look like a fucking, God Jesus fucking Christ, dude.
[00:36:39] I don't know if it's my, it's my, you need to put that cat down.
[00:36:43] Dude, why does it smell like fucking ranch sunflower seeds?
[00:36:48] I was feeding him Chinese food last night that I didn't want to eat.
[00:37:03] We got to, we got to feed those cats to what a woos pig.
[00:37:11] It's like a slim gym out this motherfucker.
[00:37:26] If I was wearing a t-shirt, I could pull it over my nose.
[00:37:32] I'm going to talk through the audience.
[00:37:36] That would be cool idea to do the podcast all sitting in different rooms.
[00:37:40] That's actually what I said the first time we did the podcast.
[00:37:49] Yeah, no, the premise was that I would be shitting.
[00:37:52] I would be in the bathroom shitting the entire time.
[00:37:56] And so I would have no context as to what was happening in the conversation.
[00:38:02] Man, I got to get that Twitch channel going.
[00:38:04] If I could quit comedy and just be a guy that calls video games gay, PewDiePie for like
[00:38:16] I didn't follow that story at all, but everyone was like, is it Nazi?
[00:38:23] The other couple of videos were like the raswastika's in it and people are like, this guy's a
[00:38:28] It's like, no, that's just like fucking craft.
[00:38:32] It's always either not your pedophile with those YouTube personalities.
[00:38:39] YouTube pedophile that came out this week, which by the way, like of those two pedophile
[00:38:45] And it's like, not something you should be doing.
[00:38:53] Yeah, but did Nazis with the poor guys in Jews is legal.
[00:38:58] And I'm saying that it's not illegal to.
[00:39:02] Listen guys, listen guys, I took the law school admissions test and there's another wave of
[00:39:17] And then speaking of, speaking of audience members, threatening people, we had a big reveal
[00:39:32] If you want to apply for a credit card.
[00:39:36] If you want to get into my like bank account, Berkowitz.
[00:39:40] But I met a fan that was really excited to meet us, but he was like, he was like, he
[00:39:49] was saying all that like, I really think it's great that the left has teeth and can say
[00:39:56] That's what that's what the show's about at all actually.
[00:40:03] But it was, and I was like getting kind of frustrated.
[00:40:09] He was a self-identifying crypto fascist.
[00:40:11] So he was like, he had the whole left reading of the show.
[00:40:14] But the last thing he said to me was pretty funny.
[00:40:16] He was like, anyway, it's been an otter.
[00:40:21] And I would say that Nick is an asshole, but you're a fucking bitch that he walked away.
[00:40:34] Dude, that, I mean, seriously, that's the worst it's ever been.
[00:40:40] I will kick you out of my fucking apartment.
[00:40:51] Smell in that candle reminded me of alter.
[00:40:54] You should train an artist to use the toilet like one of those movie star cats.
[00:41:03] One of those million air cats from the movie.
[00:41:06] I was gonna add in the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, fuckers.
[00:41:15] It was in the taxi driver that Kathy uses the toilet.
[00:41:23] So it's, it's the story of me and, uh, an Italian.
[00:41:30] That's the start of De Niro having to do things for money.
[00:41:34] His picture of Bill Cosby, uh, the judge.
[00:41:39] And his attorney doing the black power.
[00:41:45] God damn Cosby is the one of the shittiest people of all time.
[00:41:52] I hope the fucking attorney says black lives matter.
[00:42:02] It's not only raping, lying, and then having that moral high ground on black people, like
[00:42:10] And now he's just throwing them completely under the bus to cover his lie about right.
[00:42:14] I mean, it's what OJ did, but it's, I'm kind of.
[00:42:18] Like he didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything.
[00:42:19] He didn't give a fuck about black people.
[00:42:23] No, Cosby was worse because he was like a pull up your pants, black guy.
[00:42:28] He was like a quitsack with the hip at a hop.
[00:42:34] Man, that fucking, this ELISA shit rules.
[00:42:38] Well, she's one of the most talented comedians I've ever seen.
[00:42:47] Elijah's just said women shouldn't make jokes about their pussy or something like that.
[00:42:51] I don't think she should make jokes about the difference between men and women.
[00:42:55] She said something to the effect that like all female comics are bad except her.
[00:43:00] No, but she's the best part which is so funny because if you tried to like when somebody
[00:43:07] says like female comics aren't funny, you can rattle off a list of like female comics
[00:43:12] that are good if not better than like the majority of men doing comedy.
[00:43:17] You know, like fucking pre woke Sarah Silverman Bamford fucking Bonnie's.
[00:43:26] For example, as you have to point out of women that suck at comedy and like who are like
[00:43:31] bad and shouldn't get things are like marginally successful people that haven't been doing
[00:43:45] She's better at staying up than she is social media and that drags her down.
[00:43:48] But like, oh, Elisa is one of the few people that you can say like, oh yeah, she's terrible.
[00:43:53] She's like, she's like really fucking bad at comedy.
[00:43:56] And only has a career because she's hot and she was naked in the picture for special
[00:44:04] When people are fucking scrolling through Netflix.
[00:44:06] And they see a naked girl right or a fucking Indian man looking condescending.
[00:44:12] Which Netflix special do I want to watch?
[00:44:15] Kill all white people by by print hard to who the bad or or fucking look at my pussy
[00:44:28] Which special do I think is going to be funny of the two?
[00:44:38] No, she's uh, the funniest part was the end of the quote where she was complaining about
[00:44:42] all female comics is she's like name one female comic that has a World War two joke.
[00:44:47] No, she said I'm probably the only one that has a World War two joke, which is like, I
[00:44:55] Being being that fucking like, uh, uh, like that lack of awareness where you think that
[00:45:03] like knowledge of World War two is some sort of like intellectual merit.
[00:45:10] Oh, you haven't heard of World War two?
[00:45:12] Like it's not like the basis of all fiction and fucking, you know, television.
[00:45:21] It's the Bible in World War two that's the only place stories come from.
[00:45:25] And she's thinks, Oh, well, you know, I know about this.
[00:45:37] You know, you have a great World War two joke.
[00:45:39] Not a Holocaust joke, but a great World War two joke was a Hampton.
[00:45:45] He was like, what do you think is the best sequel ever?
[00:45:49] And it's like this time the hero returns America, but he fails to act on time.
[00:46:04] I love how she afterwards like, okay, you really want to talk shit?
[00:46:10] So she just like ended it with the like, Oh, yeah, none of you can follow me.
[00:46:13] But she's never on a show where there's any other women booked, basically.
[00:46:22] Well, I when all this shit was happening, I think people are talking about her rant.
[00:46:24] I thought it was the one from a couple months ago where she was like going off about something
[00:46:30] and then the rant turned into like she said, and then I'm paraphrasing, but it's almost
[00:46:34] an exact quote, something like, look, I grew up upper middle class and I fucking stayed
[00:46:59] Also, your uncle and you can be the vice president of family connections really helped me in
[00:47:08] My dad couldn't make me the president of Netflix.
[00:47:11] So he just paid my rent for 10 years while I pursued stand up.
[00:47:17] She took I'm basically in the same position as you.
[00:47:24] That was so funny to see everyone go off on her.
[00:47:29] My favorite stand up female stand up comic.
[00:47:32] Well, at least Cosby's name is I like it though, dude.
[00:47:34] I appreciate that kind of ego, especially in someone that says like that much of a fucking
[00:47:42] The delusions of grandeur is like the funniest thing.
[00:47:45] I mean, not humor on purpose, but she's like, she's she's.
[00:47:47] Like with that upper middle class thing fucking spells it all out.
[00:47:51] She's like too privileged in every way, not just like the money way, but like the being
[00:47:57] hot way and never hearing no kind of way.
[00:48:00] Like the types of privilege that people who reject the notion of privilege understand
[00:48:08] An attractive person, your life is going to be easy for the most part until you turn 45
[00:48:14] and then you get to write one of those articles about like, wow, people just don't notice
[00:48:19] me and compliment me all the time anymore.
[00:48:21] There was one of those fucking humans in New York that was like that.
[00:48:25] It was some fight like, I've been an actress my whole life and you don't really don't
[00:48:29] know how hard it is to be an older woman.
[00:48:32] You know, people used to pay for all of my shit and hold doors for me.
[00:48:41] Oh, you know, hard it is to be an old actress in Hollywood.
[00:48:46] The possibility that I might actually have to do something or be good at acting because
[00:49:00] Did you have a thought about that where you're saying she's got had every kind of privilege
[00:49:06] It's like, I mean, it took that's what creates that personality.
[00:49:09] She's never going to have like, you know, like all these people going after her.
[00:49:14] That's just going to solidify her position.
[00:49:17] She's never going to be like, wow, did I did I do something wrong?
[00:49:22] All of these nerds are bitter and jealous.
[00:49:25] And she's, I think she's going to blossom into the perfect.
[00:49:35] There is something going to get better, but I do agree.
[00:49:36] There is something nice about like just famous dickheads who just.
[00:49:39] And then it's going to be funny because there's going to be a real fascist on television
[00:49:43] and no one's ever going to cancel her show.
[00:49:50] Oh, I thought she only did Santa, really.
[00:49:53] This article I think we should show now to promote show.
[00:49:57] What is it like, truth TV or something?
[00:50:00] Well, I watched, I watched, I think, The Pilot and I would watch it.
[00:50:16] You shout out to the production design.
[00:50:18] Yeah, the production design is amazing.
[00:50:22] And I don't want to say too much, but with like, with like, Moshe's show, like the, they
[00:50:31] So the set was like designed with that in mind.
[00:50:36] It's not like what I envisioned and like any input that I had, like people were like,
[00:50:41] okay, you know, maybe like ignored, but like, I think a Wiza set kind of looks more in
[00:50:47] that line if you were going for like an older, everything's just like disgusting mauve color,
[00:50:54] It looks like a, like a public bathroom in an elementary school, like a girls bathroom.
[00:51:00] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a lilac or something.
[00:51:03] And then weird like deco swooping lines.
[00:51:05] Like color gradients in the background or like, like an ingredients in the background.
[00:51:13] She's like Chelsea, like doing one of those.
[00:51:16] I mean, I, I, when I said I watched the pilot, I mean like four minutes of.
[00:51:21] But yeah, after reading that, that Twitter rant about being upper middle class, I mean,
[00:51:26] if it was like satire would be very fine.
[00:51:28] I mean, even if it is just like the, the raving, you know, lunacy of like a fucking privilege
[00:51:36] narcissist, like, I mean, that's what television is anyways, you know?
[00:51:42] Like fucking people were mad at Bill Maher for saying the N word or whatever.
[00:51:46] It's like, yeah, he's a rich piece of shit.
[00:51:48] Like I think he lives in like a bungalow on set.
[00:51:52] That's how, yeah, he doesn't like leave the set.
[00:51:56] No, he, he, uh, real time is right next to where we were saying in LA.
[00:52:03] We could have been fucking chilling with him, dude, which is like worse than living in a
[00:52:08] It's like you're that fucking attached to your image is like a public guy.
[00:52:12] I would love, I would much rather watch an honest show.
[00:52:15] It's a person with a lot of money that's just like, I'm, I'm rich.
[00:52:26] The idea of like somebody being good for the cause or the resistance or whatever.
[00:52:32] That fucking, you know, you got to go back and look at all that Norm McDonald's.
[00:52:37] You know, an interview Norm McDonald did where he was like, Oh yeah, everybody thought Hitler
[00:52:41] was hilarious prior to him running the power, you know, or like getting into power.
[00:52:45] He was, there was comics about it and everyone thought he was a big joke.
[00:52:49] So there goes your notion of comedy being powerful.
[00:52:54] That's the one where he's like, if you tell me one, if you tell me one socially relevant
[00:53:00] joke that's funny, I'll give you a million dollars.
[00:53:05] They're like, what about like, what about all this identity based comedy?
[00:53:10] He's like, he's like, uh, yeah, everyone expects, uh, comedians to be modern day philosophers,
[00:53:16] which I think is really insulting to modern day philosophers.
[00:53:20] People go to school, he's like, you're not a philosopher because you try to fuck waitresses.
[00:53:38] You know, it would be a hilarious thing to happen is if overnight Twitter decided that
[00:53:42] like they would no longer do the concept of following people or you would just have no
[00:53:46] access to that information that it wasn't displayed publicly.
[00:53:50] You had no idea how many followers someone.
[00:53:59] You just post shit and then you get zero fucking return on it in terms of people following
[00:54:02] you or how much people are engaging with it.
[00:54:06] Of course not because there's no social people lose their fucking minds.
[00:54:10] But also on some level that is part of what you want to know.
[00:54:13] Like if you're trying to promote, I don't know, you want to see why would you do it
[00:54:20] There's no, I guess why would you interact with other human beings if there wasn't
[00:54:27] Would you see that you're getting people interacting with you?
[00:54:28] I guess no, that's not how people operated for ever.
[00:54:32] No, but what I'm saying is like if it's really supposed to be like a form of communication
[00:54:37] then it would just be you're able to communicate and doesn't need to be like signal boosting
[00:54:43] or finding out whether people or your message is resonating.
[00:54:47] And there would be less I'd say moral posturing and all of the bullshit social dynamics that
[00:54:53] we have now if you just didn't get to be rewarded for being a shitty scold.
[00:55:03] We're screenshotting something and trying to drag men for reaching out to women on Tinder.
[00:55:12] Trying to find love in this cruel world.
[00:55:14] Trying to always scared against screenshotted.
[00:55:16] Oh, yeah, you know, that's what Snapchat is for.
[00:55:20] You're going to screenshot it on Snapchat.
[00:55:27] Then you say, Hey, I know you have that picture of my flasipinas.
[00:55:31] Have you sent any bad DPs in my first one that a girl asked me for?
[00:55:37] I just pulled my pants out and took a picture.
[00:55:44] She's like, why didn't you get a boner?
[00:55:45] I was like, you just asked me for a picture of my dick.
[00:55:54] I sent I sent one from the toilet one time.
[00:56:05] Yeah, I've sent very I don't send that many DPs.
[00:56:09] I like to get hard just the right way, you know, get a whole crew in hard.
[00:56:15] Yeah, you know, your my dick goes up into the left just a little bit.
[00:56:18] That's when you got a real nice one going.
[00:56:20] Well, I haven't had a full boner since I was 13 years old.
[00:56:32] I definitely have been most of my fucking has taken place at 85% I'm at 85 to 90 least
[00:56:39] I think it's because I'm fat, which, you know, I took the Viagra once and it felt great.
[00:56:43] Yeah, it was I don't know if it was 100, but I was super drunk and I still got a boner.
[00:56:47] My friend is like, yeah, here's this Viagra.
[00:56:49] Well, I get nervous sometimes, you know, you know, what we should do is get Viagra and
[00:56:58] Yeah, and then get a basic comedy festival around.
[00:57:01] It's the theme of our show, The Creek and the Cave is yeah.
[00:57:04] Well, the comedians do a mixture of Viagra.
[00:57:08] Well, I think you're just describing Skankfest.
[00:57:15] They're doing a naked comedy roast this time.
[00:57:20] That was the yo, so I'm going to stop saying we were comedy anymore.
[00:57:23] People are going to be like, yeah, I'm a professional comedian.
[00:57:25] It's like, oh, so you go on stage nude at karaoke and people call you a faggot.
[00:57:29] You're like, yep, that's what a comedian is now.
[00:57:31] We were at, we've turned it into two years now, but they don't mean it when they call
[00:57:36] It's only so they can get a credit on comedy schedules, new show where.
[00:57:43] Well, the new show literally has no comedy.
[00:57:48] Have you seen the James Corden's carpool karaoke spin off?
[00:57:54] Well, no, no, there's one where it's like comic singing rock or singing.
[00:58:02] The guy that Josh had a admirer, as soon as a wise aker was guy.
[00:58:07] I met him like one of the first open mics he ever did.
[00:58:09] And it was like, I was like maybe three months in.
[00:58:12] And he did like a real like Dane cookie kind of state, which, you know, it's 2006.
[00:58:22] And yeah, I mean him like talk, we ended up like talking for like an hour after the show
[00:58:30] And then like I ran into an LA years later and I was like, that guy.
[00:58:34] Now, any time I see him, he like mentions like one of the first bits I ever did.
[00:58:39] Which is, and I think he, I think he knows it bothers me in this way.
[00:58:49] My first, we've already talked about our first bits, but that would be horrendous for
[00:58:54] I'm too fat to wipe my ass type of material.
[00:59:12] You know, it's funny like morbidly obese people because their ass is so big.
[00:59:15] It's like they don't, they just don't wipe their ass.
[00:59:21] It's just like, it's like, it's like a, like a Flintstones push pop.
[00:59:25] I'm just trying to push the shit out of their ass.
[00:59:28] When they take a shit, it's like, you know when like a star dies, we don't see it happen
[00:59:37] That's how like a big fat guy, he takes a shit and like he doesn't actually shit until
[00:59:48] That burrito is still seven shit years away.
[00:59:56] I'm not gonna have a movie, The Theory of Everything.
[01:00:01] You wouldn't think that it really, they really meant everything.
[01:00:09] That's what the grand unifying theory is.
[01:00:13] Right after how do midgets like in the end to normal size?
[01:00:16] It also accounts for like meal to grass, Tyson.
[01:00:18] He doesn't know when he's done wiping his ass because he's black.
[01:00:26] Cause you know, you wipe and then you look in the mirror.
[01:00:32] To see your own asshole to find out if you're done wiping.
[01:00:38] I would have infinity mirrors and then gape my ass all open.
[01:00:45] Do you guys stand, I stand up and then wipe my ass facing the toilet which I found out
[01:00:56] I use the toilet seat to like sort of pull my ass cheeks apart and then get a clean.
[01:01:04] You reach through your legs and wipe your ass.
[01:01:13] No, but honestly it's 50% of society wipes sitting down.
[01:01:27] So yeah you reach through your legs and like you're pulling like you're pulling.
[01:01:39] They shouldn't they shouldn't they're pussy dude.
[01:01:43] I thought you were a feminist me and Nick are the only five.
[01:01:54] People that forms in between the pussy and ass wall and then women will start shitting
[01:02:00] That's how then that's how Nick was born.
[01:02:10] Yeah because I was having sex with your mom.
[01:02:12] How did you have sex with my mom when you were in this?
[01:02:27] Uh break a break or ten for news flash.
[01:02:51] What kind of sign flow it flashes on this guys?
[01:02:53] What's the deal with the know who says news flash?
[01:03:02] I just want to know the story behind that.
[01:03:08] What the fuck is the express check out?
[01:03:19] Uh dude they called Freedom Fries right here.
[01:03:29] I love that people are like what has politics descended into?
[01:03:32] This Donald Trump these like New Yorker reading fucking milk toast retards that are like petrified
[01:03:45] You won't kill brown people because we say you do it.
[01:03:50] The thing that's getting us fat is shit that's not even really connected to your company
[01:03:57] Well I read an article in the New Yorker about the there are cops that are killing black
[01:04:00] people in this country and I did a Philando Castile guy got off.
[01:04:08] He straight up I mean what the fuck what else can you fucking do?
[01:04:12] Is that like what where's the NRA that's my question?
[01:04:16] Are the lawyers like that good at jury selection and still a jury trial right?
[01:04:21] What the fuck how is it that like these juries are not convicting.
[01:04:26] Is there that many horrible dumb people?
[01:04:28] Because because like the justice system is very like if they bring charges against you
[01:04:32] for something in your request to jury trial you're probably going to go to jail and be
[01:04:36] Like people aren't usually found innocent of shit right right right like this doesn't
[01:04:40] happen that often right because the prosecutors are good at picking cases but whenever it
[01:04:46] comes to the police they're just not good at picking these cases.
[01:04:48] That was an example of the state like was it on murder charges or manslaughter.
[01:04:54] It wasn't even dude it was like accidentally discharging your firearm to cause harm.
[01:05:03] It's really dude it was nothing and they couldn't even find him.
[01:05:08] It was fucking like an oopsie daisy like it's it's the most fucked up part of that video
[01:05:15] besides the guy getting killed by the cops is you hear in the background the cop just
[01:05:20] screaming fuck fuck cuz he like he knew he fucked up.
[01:05:24] What the fuck how when the fuck are you gonna like this is just never gonna change.
[01:05:28] It was funny the New York Times coverage of it said whatever the guy's name is you
[01:05:33] know he's a Hispanic I mean like you're on a mo I thought it was something like you know
[01:05:44] you know he's a real you know yeah and it's just like you know the racism in this country
[01:05:49] is so bad and if guys like taco salad you know kenciera get away with doing shit like
[01:05:56] this it's just gonna make the racism worse I think I'm having a good but it's it that
[01:06:07] I'm not the New York Times New York Times they had some headline that was like or they
[01:06:14] describe the Landrook Castile as a black motorist which is just in my head it's like you know
[01:06:23] one of those blame drug test deal dressed like the New York Times guy with that hat and
[01:06:27] the big fucking leather collar driving Donald Duck's car.
[01:06:38] It's insane I mean even when there are videos is crazy but you know what camera yeah it's
[01:06:42] crazy killing someone who's like I am not reaching for my gun who's telling you I have
[01:06:49] a gun I am not I have a license to carry a weapon and then but it's gotta be it's gotta
[01:06:55] be that prosecutors gotta be holding back or something because they don't have this problem
[01:07:00] when it comes to regular they are regular cases this was a guy that fucking had a gun
[01:07:06] on him if this was just some other fucking black guy that he got his dispute with he would
[01:07:10] be in prison 100% the prosecutors are just not doing something right that they can't convince
[01:07:16] a jury they don't what if they don't fucking want to well that happened that happened in
[01:07:20] the case with with was it a guy girly was killed by that Chinese yeah yeah it's in the
[01:07:29] stairwell on you know something yeah the stairwell yeah and so ping pong ching chong officer they
[01:07:36] killed this guy guys please don't laugh I mean I sorry racism is a huge problem in this
[01:07:42] country and these police shootings are so I think we can be yeah we're not being racist
[01:07:49] right it was his name it was his first day on action right in these name I'm sorry that
[01:07:54] I researched this more than you guys and I'm not calling him by his name like you know
[01:07:58] Phil Johnson or whatever yeah his family was racingly forced to use his Cantonese name that
[01:08:04] he got back at it at the Palace of Hunan where he was born yeah when you in the year of the
[01:08:13] dragon sixty dollars or more you get a Cantonese name when you was at number one good Chinese
[01:08:18] food restaurant right yeah so officer me ranking long time ding dong ditch Chinese fire drill
[01:08:27] when officer Ricky Tiki Tampa officer rail worker prostitute says officer like a girl
[01:08:37] for sideways pussy dog eater says dry cleaning nails along okay officer no no tiki no no
[01:08:49] dry cleaning well the district attorney in that case like requested no jail time like
[01:08:54] from the judge they didn't let the judge or the jury make the decision or whatever they
[01:08:58] like went out of their way to say oh by the way even though we're trying this case don't
[01:09:02] send them to jail yeah dude because it's that's that's why it does feel like there should
[01:09:07] be an independent prosecution some things some kind of independent body that handles
[01:09:12] cases like this because it's it's too fucked there's gonna be collusion between fucking
[01:09:16] well that's why it should be like a federal investigation immediately yeah absolutely but
[01:09:22] that's it's just that's never gonna it doesn't seem like it's gonna fucking head also if
[01:09:25] you want to learn that's what that's what Mississippi burning was about who got the
[01:09:30] FBI having to go like fix you know the police departments in the south yeah let's get more
[01:09:37] than it was one of the funniest movies of all time Jeff sessions will probably well it's
[01:09:41] not the FBI Jeff sessions he'll get on top of it kind of guiding Eric Holder and Obama
[01:09:46] but it's such a good job you know that they're gonna you know the two black guys that were
[01:09:52] in charge of the thing that's gonna you guys want to watch mrs. have you burning after
[01:09:55] this I'm down I gotta go to Connecticut the final point is black lives matters and that's
[01:09:59] why it's important this is the official statement of come town for you to support the money
[01:10:04] team and Floyd Mayweather junior and his upcoming fight against for alt right fans my fellow
[01:10:11] crypto fascist try to focus on the racist things that I said and not the underlying ideology
[01:10:18] he actually believed don't don't message me like exceptions from the case that you think
[01:10:26] justify a police officer murdering somebody with a concealed carry permit for so and so
[01:10:32] reason unless you're ready to argue that vehemently in every situation with every fucking white
[01:10:39] guy that gets away with carrying a gun and doesn't get shot to death yeah just listen
[01:10:44] to to Nick's true jokes that he tells the real jokes that show the real way he feels
[01:10:50] um guys we got our live show my point is is that I am racist for sure and I am a fascist
[01:10:58] but he doesn't believe the problem is Chinese Hispanic police officers not the white ones
[01:11:09] shy one case for a white officer did the wrong thing actually and that's the end of