Cum Town | Premium | 06/27/2017
[00:00:04] Is everything set up correctly while we start already?
[00:00:08] If you can't hear, just imagine we're saying the N-word.
[00:00:15] I'm going to write the N-word on a piece of paper and you guys can pass it all the way
[00:00:20] And then there's a box that says yes or no.
[00:00:35] If you listen, we used to do the home improvement theme.
[00:00:39] But I looked up to see if we could buy the rights to it.
[00:00:43] And then the guy that owns it is on the board of ASCAP.
[00:00:47] Which if you know ASCAP, it's a fascist Nazi organization that exists to put restaurants
[00:00:53] out of business by threatening them with lawsuits.
[00:01:12] Thank you for being here for some reason.
[00:01:18] We actually have never done a live show before.
[00:01:24] Well, we have a stand up show, but that's like it's different.
[00:01:28] It doesn't feel like a comic-con panel.
[00:01:32] Should we take questions about Wonder Woman?
[00:01:38] Let's jump right into the hour long Q&A.
[00:01:41] Instead of talking about any of you guys see Wonder Woman?
[00:01:57] If you came in your pants, I mean, you can't say any movie sucks if it makes you come in
[00:02:03] That's why I love Babe picking the city too.
[00:02:20] When he puts on those suspenders, I don't know if he'd actually never seen Babe.
[00:02:24] Yeah, I don't think it doesn't he go to like a, like Babe, is it isn't Babe 2 or Gordy where
[00:02:29] he goes to like the Monsanto farm and sees how other pigs are treated?
[00:02:37] Maybe I'm just, yo, that sounds like a PSA in Gordy.
[00:02:42] Does Gordy then like become a pig overlord?
[00:02:47] And then he can't touch his own dick anymore.
[00:02:57] Yeah, and then he becomes like a self-loathing prison Muslim with one of those cool hats.
[00:03:03] I would convert just for that hat that they only, only the prison Muslims have that hat.
[00:03:11] No, the tight, that little tight beanie.
[00:03:19] How do you sign up for the tiny hat baking classes in the prison instead of license plates?
[00:03:25] It's bizarre that they still have woodshop in prison after how many screwdriver stabbings
[00:03:31] and you're like, where are they getting these screwdrivers?
[00:03:48] Probably be horrifically raped repeatedly.
[00:03:51] Until my gender identity changes and then I'm a beautiful woman.
[00:04:09] Don't give me credit for how athletic I am.
[00:04:14] Number two, I would make friends with the tough guys.
[00:04:29] That'd be a good reason to become racist is to hide the fact that you've gone bald.
[00:04:42] Yeah, I'd see that that or claim you're a statham superfan or also just go bald ponytail
[00:04:52] You know what Tim Allen went to prison for like three years?
[00:04:59] He was caught with like 27 pounds of cocaine or something.
[00:05:06] And then he did like two and a half years.
[00:05:08] So the amount of lives that he had to ruin to do that little amount of time.
[00:05:12] I actually have a recording of the moment he got arrested.
[00:05:15] But the amount of lives you want to hear?
[00:05:22] But, so I, like, I remember like 10 years ago googling like did Tim Allen get raped
[00:05:30] Because you would think he probably, like probably, right?
[00:05:37] I mean, he's not like a dweeb or anything, but like I would, I could, he had long beautiful
[00:05:47] And then I found not, he doesn't have a book or maybe he does have a book.
[00:05:50] I found this forum where somebody posted they were like a while back I read Tim Allen's
[00:05:58] And he said that the way he avoided being, because some big con tried to like make, you
[00:06:06] And the way he got out of it was he started doing an Elmer Fudd impression that was so
[00:06:17] So the real story, the real story is they bashed his teeth out.
[00:06:23] So he sounded like Elmer Fudd while he was being fucked in the mouth.
[00:06:28] And then in his mind, he changed it to the, to the no, I was the best comedian in prison
[00:06:37] Oh man, I just read an article about Jared Fogle's life on the inside.
[00:06:43] Apparently he's, because he's rich, he paid for bodyguards.
[00:06:46] Some of them are also child molester bodyguard.
[00:06:49] He's just going to be going for child molester guy now.
[00:06:52] He's going to have a cool gang of guys who fuck kids.
[00:06:56] But one guy, one guy got past him last year in August and beat the shit out of him.
[00:07:02] And it was a guy from the Aryan Brotherhood.
[00:07:03] So shout out to the Aryan Brotherhood for, uh, on top of the many good things they do
[00:07:09] for the community outside of prison, for the community.
[00:07:16] He only did like, I think he's only doing 15 years or something.
[00:07:24] Considering like Brock Turner did like six months, you would think they could go a little
[00:07:34] Sully Brock Turner is, I'm sorry, I couldn't even do it.
[00:07:40] Let's make him the subway spokesperson.
[00:07:45] Everyone talks about how Brock did it next to a dumpster.
[00:07:48] Everyone loves to mention the dumpster.
[00:07:51] If, if, if Brock Turner was like a crusty instead of a bro, people would be like, yeah, man.
[00:08:04] How do you like respected that female member of our community?
[00:08:16] Just take the lat next couple minutes off.
[00:08:22] What, man, crust punks really are, and this is a controversial, the coolest topic, but
[00:08:29] Like all that fucking on trains, they're dirty as shit.
[00:08:40] Crust punks like hang out in front of like radio shack.
[00:08:47] And I'm like, oh, my dog needs cigarettes.
[00:08:49] I don't think I don't like about crust punks is that they, I don't mind.
[00:08:59] If you wanna fucking, look, I'm all for just not bathing and fucking letting shit dry in
[00:09:06] I mean, that's like kind of the ideal lifestyle.
[00:09:08] The problem with crust punks is that they think they're like doing something politically,
[00:09:15] I had a crust punk friend when I was like, and when I was like a teenager, and he'd be
[00:09:21] like, yeah, I'm like, I'm like an anarchist and like these girls would just eat it up.
[00:09:29] And then because that one guy who would rake in all this trim with his like, yeah, I like
[00:09:34] hate the government, but I take the bus everywhere.
[00:09:43] It was a 15 year old off off that shit.
[00:09:46] No, I told the story before, but that yeah, the guy that's the way he spoke.
[00:09:53] No, he became trans, which was like, cause he would like, he'd like taught Brazilian
[00:09:57] Jiu Jitsu, and he was like, you know, like, yo, I'm like, I'm like, he was like this
[00:10:03] And then last, like whenever being trans was like all over the news, he's like, oh, yeah,
[00:10:10] So, and he started like painting his nails and shit.
[00:10:14] And I mean, I guess he, he's like committed to the bit.
[00:10:17] So respect his pronouns now and he could do whatever he wants.
[00:10:22] And I heard friends that he was like having like girls night, he'd call it, where he'd
[00:10:28] dress up like a woman and then affect this like, demure Southern Bell character, where
[00:10:34] he'd be like, can somebody help me use the remote?
[00:10:38] Like all of our female friends, you get pissed off and be like, Jared, you're just acting
[00:10:42] like a stupid person doing an offensive impression of a woman.
[00:10:53] Do you know anybody that was tran, became trans?
[00:11:00] But she like came out and I like like the Facebook status and then she changed her name
[00:11:06] to jewel, but she spelled it J-U-L-L because she thought that's how you spelled jewel
[00:11:17] I wanted to like, I wanted to pitch more.
[00:11:19] Luke is like, well, for the next movie, I figured let's just have a bunch of offensive
[00:11:23] trans characters and rest the right itself.
[00:11:26] This is an alien with a dick and a pussy on its face and it speaks in Creole.
[00:11:34] Basically, it just rides the bus around accusing people of rape.
[00:11:48] Joel is a very annoying little boy, so I hope she's cool now.
[00:11:52] I think actually she is a hot girlfriend.
[00:11:57] Oh, that always feels like cheating to me.
[00:12:04] Like you get, it just feels like, I don't know, you get to still fuck girls.
[00:12:09] Yeah, they shouldn't be allowed to fuck girls.
[00:12:12] If you have the freedom to get your dick cut off, you shouldn't be allowed.
[00:12:18] This should make a law against these people.
[00:12:23] I'm just saying, my gut reaction, and I know it's wrong, is that that feels like a glitch
[00:12:30] But it's not that they should be able to fuck girls, it's that you're not fucking the girls
[00:12:36] If you fucked the girl first, you wouldn't care.
[00:12:40] So actually, yeah, we got to the bottom of this.
[00:12:43] If you guys know any women dating trans women that also want to fuck me, please send them
[00:12:51] No, I think it's more like, you know, it's like a fun thing to consider a fantasy for
[00:13:01] Maybe for my bachelor party, I'll fuck a trans woman, that doesn't count, right?
[00:13:03] I'm going to bring back accusing people of being posers.
[00:13:07] So when up to 35-year-olds wearing ballcom shirts, I'll be like, you don't fucking skate
[00:13:25] What would I have to do to prove to you?
[00:13:39] I have no plans, but it depends how the moment strikes me.
[00:13:45] I wonder if Ian feels like offended that you'd sort of steal...
[00:13:49] What is the name of people that have sex with trans...
[00:14:02] Get sucked off in a cherry red transam.
[00:14:05] I'm the fucking highway doing 69, of course.
[00:14:13] April 20th, 2069, in a cherry red transam, going 69.
[00:14:22] I remember I was doing mushrooms at my friend's house one time, and I was with Jake.
[00:14:26] And Jake went outside to smoke a cigarette, and he comes back inside.
[00:14:30] You've got to go see this guy in the parking lot.
[00:14:36] And I go out, and he looked like a cartoon character.
[00:14:43] No other clothes sitting on the hood of an 83 transam.
[00:14:48] With the Joe Dirt hair and facial hair.
[00:14:51] And I just burst out laughing in the guy's face.
[00:14:53] I had to run inside, because I'm peeking.
[00:14:57] And then I ran to the window, and I'm like peering some of the destroying...
[00:15:02] I'm just ripping his guys' blinds off the walls to look at this guy and laugh from the safety
[00:15:10] Do you remember that episode of Cops where they pulled over the trans trucker?
[00:15:24] I'm going to let you go back in the cab of that truck and change into some normal clothes.
[00:15:30] And then he comes out of the truck after he's wearing a ball gown and a wig, and he comes
[00:15:37] out, he's literally wearing cut-off shorts right under his dick and a sports bra.
[00:15:45] Wait, should the cop pulled him over for being trans?
[00:15:52] But he insisted he put on real clothes.
[00:15:54] Get out of that crazy Halloween costume.
[00:15:59] Well, yeah, I guess that must have been what?
[00:16:01] Like, a long time ago when that shit was acceptable, like four or five years ago.
[00:16:16] I tried to do a bit about it, but it's just like the end is just throwing up because a
[00:16:26] It's not one guy who's like, that's kind of gross.
[00:16:29] He was like, and it spreads like a virus.
[00:16:33] By the way, I love the idea that if somebody's throwing up at a concept, which I don't think
[00:16:40] And also tucked balls that made them throw up.
[00:16:48] Here's what I thought is that they cut his dick off and put it in his butt.
[00:16:55] I thought that one was in his head too.
[00:17:00] And by the way, Einhorn is hot as shit.
[00:17:07] The lady that plays Einhorn, Finkle, Finkle Einhorn.
[00:17:15] Doesn't seem to get a lot like Gorilla.
[00:17:18] Somebody gets raped by a gorilla, right?
[00:17:30] Let's just talk about the rest of the guy moving out of a rhino's head.
[00:17:38] No, he was in an electronic surveillance rhino.
[00:17:46] Like the AC cut out of his hand brakes.
[00:17:50] And then he has to take off all his clothes.
[00:17:52] That'd be great if you could take that rhino into the dress.
[00:17:55] I'm just gonna be in the dressing room at Target with all the security cameras and spy
[00:18:12] Nothing says skankfest like a reusable shopping backpack.
[00:18:19] First and foremost, we're concerned about the environment here at Skankfest.
[00:18:32] Now Lewis's problem is affecting everyone.
[00:18:41] Alcohol for when you find out your son plays with fidget cubes.
[00:19:00] Initially, they gave us fleshlights at Moon Tower.
[00:19:03] Maybe there's a fleshlight in the thermos, dude.
[00:19:08] As you can just fuck a regular thermos.
[00:19:11] But how would you have to fill it with microwave fidget?
[00:19:17] Or, yeah, mashed potatoes or something?
[00:19:34] And then in 10 years, people are like, I can't believe everyone was grossed out by that guy
[00:19:41] And they didn't respect the beauty of his mashed potato fucking gender in that movie.
[00:19:46] Ian's getting married to a giant potato in 2023.
[00:19:51] I know a couple of gals that look like...
[00:19:57] This is my favorite thing in any tote bag.
[00:19:59] It said, oh yeah, I'm going to become a gumption reporter from the 30s.
[00:20:06] Oh, it actually just says we're gay inside.
[00:20:25] You fucking narks listening to come town.
[00:20:30] I saw a baby with sunglasses the other day and I'm like, don't bring that shit back.
[00:20:48] I'm sure you all follow the same person that posted that.
[00:20:50] That be a male baby on Instagram wearing the shirt that just said, a feminist.
[00:20:59] That thing that has no ability to even understand consent as a concept.
[00:21:11] I'm just going to keep wearing the shirt.
[00:21:14] Well, like most male feminists, that baby probably has raped.
[00:21:19] You're going to call that baby a feminist after what it did to its mother's day.
[00:21:37] You know what I don't mind the calendars with the babies in pumpkins or the big saxophone
[00:21:43] or whatever, but the sunglasses bothers me.
[00:21:48] I'm just going to check out my cool Bruce Willis baby.
[00:21:58] But it's I don't like things that are put into the wrong category.
[00:22:03] Your spreadsheet of things is fucked up when a baby is called cool.
[00:22:08] I was watching the Michael Douglas movie.
[00:22:14] You can say it in the dumb voice all you want.
[00:22:25] So you can't do construction work with a baby.
[00:22:41] Can I just say I'm for child labor if it's a cute baby factory.
[00:22:45] You're putting them in little hard hats and shit.
[00:22:48] That'd be a good, yeah, like the bow-paul calendar of baby, like the, like a little like baby
[00:23:03] Baby Teamsters would be a little horrible.
[00:23:09] What do you think is first word's going to be?
[00:23:11] What do you think is first word's going to be?
[00:23:15] Yeah, I think it's the joke I said earlier about.
[00:23:29] This conversation, I feel like I'm ready to be a father.
[00:23:31] I feel like it's time to implicate someone.
[00:23:34] Why do I love all those romantic comedies where like like knocked up and then there's
[00:23:38] a couple of other ones where somebody gets pregnant.
[00:23:39] It's like, I guess we just figure it out.
[00:23:42] But they never have a romantic comedy where it's like, oh yeah, I guess it's like, I'm
[00:23:45] just like, I guess you got sids because I continued playing Nintendo all that long.
[00:23:48] That's why I'm like, I got you don't figure it out.
[00:23:52] And some certain places it's just the government comes and takes your kid away or it dies.
[00:24:02] Dude, I've been feeling it ever since I turned 30.
[00:24:06] I went home and I, I went home and I, I talked to my dad and I tried to have like a man to
[00:24:10] man with him and I was like, listen, dude, I just turned 30.
[00:24:13] I know you mom have been saying I need to like settle down.
[00:24:16] Yeah, you can't marry it and give you grandkids and stuff.
[00:24:18] And like, I'm starting to maybe feel it a little bit.
[00:24:21] And I've been like, I date like too many 24 year old girls.
[00:24:26] And he's like, Adam, do not date a finished product.
[00:24:38] He's like, you need to train your bitch.
[00:24:49] She was a used up whore and I've never, ever been comfortable with it.
[00:24:54] If she don't suck, dick, she got to go.
[00:24:58] It's because her pussy was loose when she had you.
[00:25:14] I was created by science to be perfect.
[00:25:20] I wish I knew the name of that fucking ball thing.
[00:25:28] If I knew that like breaking bad meth making ball, like a Gaston ball or something.
[00:25:40] I was reading about Marie Curie discovered radiation and her husband, the French guy.
[00:25:46] They all got a whole family just died of radiation.
[00:25:49] They were carrying around isotopes in their pockets.
[00:26:00] We just invented it so it has to be safe.
[00:26:02] And they'll tie it except like the dad who was hit by a bus.
[00:26:07] He was like the only one that survived.
[00:26:08] And then he got hit by like a fucking car or something.
[00:26:19] It cures cancer, but it also causes it.
[00:26:27] The part about, remember Jackass, where he puts a car in his ass?
[00:26:31] In the situation we wouldn't be able to see the car in his ass.
[00:26:41] That's the most, the quintessential moment of modern cinema, I'd say, wouldn't be possible
[00:26:46] It's so funny that those, like, it was just some asshole from a skateboarding magazine
[00:26:51] and then like some guy who was brothers with a really shitty band.
[00:26:58] And then like they made the most genius, funniest comedy that will ever exist.
[00:27:06] Nothing will ever be funnier than any of the Jackass.
[00:27:09] We should do some physical pranks, dude.
[00:27:12] We should beat the shit out of Adam as a joke.
[00:27:16] You know, and everyone can do it too, you know?
[00:27:35] I mean, I, that should, the only bad thing they did, I didn't like wild boys.
[00:27:45] Which was the jackass where they like drank the horses' cum.
[00:27:50] That was the one where it was like, this is not anything but gay-be-stiality.
[00:27:57] This is in a specific kind of gay-be-stiality.
[00:28:00] Like not even getting fucked in the ass by a horse like a gentleman.
[00:28:05] Like the one where they put the helmet on the guy that hooks up to the other horse.
[00:28:18] They put a little mouse costume over Pontius' dick.
[00:28:41] I like that they got to that point in the movie.
[00:28:43] They were like, yeah, we can't do another sight gag.
[00:28:45] So he was putting a naked woman at this part and people will watch the rest of the movie.
[00:28:51] And they're like, yeah, that worked, I guess.
[00:28:53] You got to get stiffed up in the middle of a comedy, dude.
[00:28:55] Every comedy should have a hardcore pornography break in the middle of it.
[00:28:59] I'm watching you being depree, my favorite comedy.
[00:29:17] Yeah, if you're a nipples, are that sense?
[00:29:24] Adam's got excellent pin strain from milking his dog.
[00:29:29] Yeah, that was fucked up in here if she does.
[00:29:38] Do you ever hear your chef roommates Vitamix?
[00:29:50] I imagine you having sex, you're in a shades lounge.
[00:29:58] Your hand lopes are much bigger for some reason.
[00:30:03] You're laughing and your fingernails are really long.
[00:30:19] How about you, have you gotten your nipples sucked?
[00:30:26] I mean, I don't see a point in that or titty fucking.
[00:30:32] Now you're just fucking baiting me and you know that.
[00:30:37] It's an expression of love between two people.
[00:30:45] Also a pussy is like a thousand times better.
[00:30:48] No, the fact that there's no pleasure being exchanged is what makes it better.
[00:30:58] If he's the only one coming, that's the best.
[00:31:08] There's no true altruism except titty fucking.
[00:31:12] Dude, titties feel good against your dick.
[00:31:16] You know, I'm not saying you're doing it for fucking seven to ten minutes.
[00:31:20] You get a couple of strokes in there, getting your dick sucked, your finger banging.
[00:31:24] I've only done it a couple times and I just started laughing immediately.
[00:31:28] I think all those like dick pieces are like the problem is men learned how to fuck from
[00:31:34] I don't rather than not learning at all and just coming immediately.
[00:31:40] You get a smorgasbord of different fuck things you can do.
[00:31:46] You finish with it before you give her the 35 cents and then she leaves in the pizza delivery
[00:31:56] That's the gender thing they should do is...
[00:32:01] It was a mixed race child she's trying to raise and she just really needs that tip money.
[00:32:06] There's no desperation with a male pizza delivery driver.
[00:32:09] I think the point is this is the guy that wants weed.
[00:32:12] Yeah, there was a genre of porn that was a fat fat guy.
[00:32:18] I thought that story about when I worked at Baba John's and there was that middle-aged
[00:32:22] woman that worked there and she fucking shit her pants while she was out on the delivery.
[00:32:29] And came back to the store to be like, I shit my pants.
[00:32:49] There's a diaper behind a glass canister.
[00:32:57] Diaper John's pizza where they make all the employees wear diapers so your pizza gets
[00:33:02] Because they shit and piss themselves like astronauts.
[00:33:08] The diapers NASA uses so astronauts can shit and piss themselves in space.
[00:33:13] Similar to the bald guy that becomes a Nazi to cover the fact that he's balding.
[00:33:17] What about the astronaut that becomes an astronaut so he can shit.
[00:33:26] Space don't can hear you shit yourself.
[00:33:31] I guess it's kind of a silent thing, right?
[00:33:37] It was like you were averaging two or three times a year last year.
[00:33:50] I was waiting for the bus to go to Nick's and then I ran back to my apartment and pooped
[00:34:07] I mean like I know it sounds like I'm joking but you should probably legitimately do kegels.
[00:34:26] Your asshole is the final say on whether or not you should.
[00:34:32] There's some cheek involvement if you're 400 plus pounds.
[00:34:35] Or if you have very strong glutes I would imagine you could clench your ass.
[00:34:43] You have a horrible ass and horrible legs.
[00:34:53] The user's butt cheek pulls very crescent rolls.
[00:34:55] He puts the tube in there and then it bears down.
[00:35:05] I didn't eat anything this morning because I was a bad little bitch and I ate carbs last
[00:35:22] You guys ever fucking been to a Dwayne Reed?
[00:35:26] You know a lot of people think that's a guy's name.
[00:35:33] A little bit of New York history for it.
[00:35:35] I want to sell a New York tour and charge some outrageous price.
[00:35:45] I think you're kind of, that's Tim Dillon's corner actually.
[00:35:55] But yeah you should do that and then rob everyone at the end.
[00:35:59] I was in Chinatown one time and they do Chinatown tours and there was a one.
[00:36:04] White lady that was the tour guide and they have like a little amplifier that sits on
[00:36:08] her their hip or whatever and then the headset and I was getting dumplings and I'm coming
[00:36:12] out of this place and she's there with this group of people and there's an Asian girl
[00:36:16] in her face not saying anything and then the white girl's like yeah I understand that.
[00:36:21] I mean I wouldn't say that it's racist but you know I mean a lot of different people
[00:36:26] have lived and she's like but it was still on the amp so she was defending some fucked
[00:36:31] up shit she said about Chinatown to this Chinese woman's face while it's being broadcast down
[00:36:38] The word gook actually has a proud and story tradition in New York City.
[00:36:42] Yeah and when I said they look like dumplings isn't that funny.
[00:36:47] When I look the company told me to say that.
[00:36:51] That would be a good way to start gentrifying Chinatown is giving anti-Chinese.
[00:36:56] You'll never be able to gentrify Chinatown because the Chinese landlords are like oh
[00:37:01] yeah we don't rent to a brack or Jewish people.
[00:37:04] Mostly to white people like nobody's gonna do anything about it because you know they
[00:37:10] know about the daughter and they don't have any money it'll be fucked up to like kick
[00:37:14] some Chinese person out of their home for discrimination.
[00:37:19] It's the one neighborhood in Manhattan that's like hanging on and like not like resisting.
[00:37:25] It's honestly it's the best place to live in Manhattan.
[00:37:29] I mean it wears on you like when you just try to go to the grocery store to buy cereal
[00:37:35] Right you have to buy cereal that looks like communist propaganda.
[00:37:39] In the same aisle as like a frog's brain.
[00:37:42] It's what he was supposed to picture one time.
[00:37:45] It was just the arms of an alligator that had been fucking like hacked off and put on
[00:37:52] It looks like a prop from a horror movie.
[00:37:54] But some Chinese guys like oh yeah I'm gonna make a satellite satellite salad later.
[00:38:01] You know what I'm saying those are good as shit.
[00:38:05] I'm going to New Orleans do they eat gators there?
[00:38:08] Anytime I go to New Orleans I get gumbo and um.
[00:38:12] Yeah remember when we were there we were like that we had to go to that sandwich place
[00:38:15] She's like oh my god that's as the best sandwich place.
[00:38:20] And then we go there and she goes up to the cat.
[00:38:24] We like walked no we walked like two miles to go to this fucking place.
[00:38:28] And we get there and she asks the guy that she's like okay so like which one of these
[00:38:34] Like which one of the po boys he's like I don't know.
[00:38:38] You know and she's like okay well imagine like I'm your daughter and you're recommending
[00:38:42] You know and then he's like oh yeah none of these I mean after this oil spill I would
[00:38:54] I'm just eating British petroleum po boys that night.
[00:39:22] Nah he's named after that fucking good shit.
[00:39:27] Keith isn't Kiefer that like yogurt drink.
[00:39:32] Yeah it's like I didn't realize it was a scary Arabic.
[00:39:37] You fucking grind that fucking you blaze it up for 20.
[00:39:44] It's caught in that little shit in your grinder.
[00:39:48] Dude I tried to smoke weed the other day.
[00:40:00] The stupid weed names used to be like the strains of weed that were like yeah this is
[00:40:08] That's what people always say that one.
[00:40:17] I remember people being like yo I only smoke Kinebud.
[00:40:21] I remember that shit saying someone smoked mids as an insult.
[00:40:33] I was blown away when I moved to Texas you can buy like an ounce of like Mexican weed
[00:40:39] Yeah but you get a headache from that stuff.
[00:40:42] You would have to smoke the entire ounce to get high.
[00:40:44] And that's just smoke inhalation that's getting high.
[00:40:47] Yeah I would sit in my room and be like I think I should call a fire.
[00:40:50] Yeah you just go stand in front of a barbecue.
[00:40:53] I just watched half an episode of always sunny and I have to go to sleep.
[00:40:59] God damn I want to eat dude I'm hungry shit.
[00:41:01] I made a fucking crucial error not eating something before this.
[00:41:07] But it's gotta be paleo I'm a paleo warrior.
[00:41:12] Do you actually stick to that paleo shit?
[00:41:15] I can't wait until your fucking cholesterol goes through the roof.
[00:41:25] Maybe your bitch ass caveman relatives weren't but mine had it figured out dude.
[00:41:29] These motherfuckers knew how to slaughter a pig.
[00:41:33] Get a hot ass rock and fry it up on there.
[00:41:41] Your caveman ancestors were doing terrible things to little kids.
[00:41:48] It's after we learned language we decided to fuck kids.
[00:41:54] That's after we created democracy we got bored and we were like.
[00:41:58] It is funny that kid fucking didn't stop until like 1930.
[00:42:08] Well well they're like isn't that weird about Walt?
[00:42:10] Yeah he has a 10 year old boy that he has sex with.
[00:42:14] We were like I wonder if that's why he's like good at poetry.
[00:42:20] Maybe then I could be a talented poet like Walt Whitman.
[00:42:23] Yeah fucking kids back then was like having a mustache.
[00:42:27] I thought you were going to say like having a Mustang.
[00:42:33] I would say yeah now if I saw a guy with a Mustang I'd be like yeah yeah.
[00:42:42] You'd think there was like guys in ancient Greece who like begrudgingly fucked up.
[00:42:47] Fuck kids because they didn't want to be called weird by their friends.
[00:42:53] I guess I'll find the kid that looks the most like a woman and fuck him but I really
[00:42:59] would just rather do geometry but everyone's going to bring it up.
[00:43:03] The geometry happy hour after we do math on rocks and I'm not going to have anything
[00:43:11] I think it was like to like get them like smarter or something.
[00:43:15] Like you're fucking them was like to like to like give your like philosophy into their
[00:43:23] That's how knowledge has passed has come to feed your.
[00:43:26] You should be the smartest man alive then Adam.
[00:43:32] Although I guess it would mostly be like car knowledge from blowing mechanics and stuff.
[00:43:39] The knowledge about your dad just stuff about happening.
[00:43:43] Something happened in his life a lot about South Africa.
[00:43:45] A lot about the child Jewish childhood in South Africa.
[00:43:50] Every number in your dad's roll a deck.
[00:44:02] I want to be the revisionist that's like well it was more like 599 million or 599000.
[00:44:17] I mean people can't really I mean I guess they can still be mad at you.
[00:44:20] Yeah for sure they could definitely be mad at you.
[00:44:28] Because then people see you as a propagandist and then they believe that there is a conspiracy
[00:44:38] So you should probably shouldn't do the 7 million plan that you've been planning for
[00:44:42] It's in the works ladies and gentlemen.
[00:44:46] But honestly though it didn't happen right.
[00:44:51] I mean I hear a lot of yapping about it but I don't you know I don't see.
[00:44:58] Maybe someone should pay for an all expenses pay trip for Europe.
[00:45:06] I feel like has anyone counted the chambers.
[00:45:14] I mean it's a it's a it's a very slight chance that it's exactly 36.
[00:45:27] I feel like Nick shouldn't doubt the Holocaust because of the how how prominently trains were
[00:45:34] Yeah I just don't believe trains would do something that evil.
[00:45:42] First of all I learned emotions from Thomas.
[00:45:44] It's a train with a face on it that would explain something that's happening and then
[00:45:51] the face would tell me what reaction to have.
[00:45:54] That is really why autistic kids like that show.
[00:46:04] That's also my charity that I'm starting.
[00:46:07] I think of trains talk about running out of steam huh.
[00:46:11] Yeah dude I'm fucking my quick Adam shit your pants.
[00:46:35] You can like fucking triangle chokes and also socialism at the same time.
[00:46:39] Yeah there's like three guys that are into that.
[00:46:47] I saw that fucking movie with Kevin James as an MMA guy and he was fucking jacked.
[00:46:51] Yeah but he has a wrestling background.
[00:46:53] Yeah I wrestled for half a season at Baltimore.
[00:46:55] And cutting in line at the buffet does not count as wrestling.
[00:46:58] Dude some of those people were fattish shit all right and I still got around them.
[00:47:04] You look at Pinned the fattest guy in a buffet.
[00:47:08] You punch the fattest guy you see and then you're the king of that buffet.
[00:47:11] I used to go to this Chinese buffet that had like Alaskan king crab legs and there was
[00:47:16] these like middle aged Chinese bodybuilders that would just wait there until they brought
[00:47:22] a new triad and then fucking walk over and take all of the Alaskan king crab leg.
[00:47:27] And it was a scam because you paid to get in and then you realized you just can't because
[00:47:31] Not only do they know karate they're strong.
[00:47:44] To get a what you're a Chinese actor and you're like well I already look like everyone
[00:47:52] Jackie Chan's already got all the parts.
[00:47:54] I could learn karate and that narrows me down to about 75% of the Chinese actor.
[00:48:03] Oh I'll just become insanely huge and be the one guy that looks like that.
[00:48:18] I think he was in some Bruce Lee movie before that.
[00:48:25] I'm fucking dude I really need to eat something.
[00:48:29] It's just too much pressure to probably do math.
[00:48:34] You know what really the problem is is that we gave you a chair.
[00:48:40] I feel like I'm going to not be able to get out of it.
[00:48:53] And it's jizz from a guy that fucked your wife who's in the coffee.
[00:49:11] What are you boys going to do after this?
[00:49:19] I mean there's not really this is going we do this till 9 p.m.
[00:49:26] We're 53 minutes in to the nine hour podcast.
[00:49:29] How long do you think we could pocket this?
[00:49:35] That's the end of my planning for by the way here's what I bought these shorts and they're
[00:49:43] Just like Jim shorts but it's khaki material.
[00:49:47] Like that's the fat that's the fat playbook.
[00:49:49] The rest of the world is taking a fucking that's what that's what we used to do.
[00:49:52] You know what I love about getting fat is that you could just go up a size you just buy
[00:49:56] new pants and a shirt and you're like oh I'm not fat.
[00:49:58] Oh yeah I can keep eating those intimate boxes every single day.
[00:50:05] Yeah I used to love shopping at the big and tall because I was the cutest motherfucker
[00:50:08] I was the least fat guy at a big and tall.
[00:50:32] I'm going to get a different kind of elevator shoes but they're for like autistic people
[00:50:36] that are obsessed with elevators and they prevent you from tying the laces together accidentally.
[00:50:49] I couldn't tie my shoes until I was like 12 years old.
[00:50:59] It was challenging to fucking get it going.
[00:51:02] I had Velcro so long that I didn't even get the little.
[00:51:05] My feet were too big for little kid Velcro so I had to get the old man orthopedic Velcro.
[00:51:09] So I'm just like in fifth grade with white ass shoes with thick ass Velcro straps like
[00:51:16] my fucking foots about to be amputated for diabetes.
[00:51:22] That was a sad day when I outgrew the light up Velcro's.
[00:51:30] You think yeah this is what everyone in LA wears.
[00:51:36] Yeah just fucking green juice and like Marley Maitlin.
[00:51:40] Adam can we put you on steroids to see what happens.
[00:51:46] We should do a steroid off me and Adam.
[00:51:48] Yeah that's a better question than who's in the DSA.
[00:51:51] Two has access to trend that we can give Adam.
[00:52:00] Oh you just want he just get aggro as hell but still be a little bitch.
[00:52:07] No your hair would fall out you'd get acne and you'd grow brass.
[00:52:14] You know those people that get beard they get beard implants.
[00:52:20] Well they do like a hairplub transplant but your head hair is different than your facial
[00:52:25] hair so I don't know where they get the beard hair other than from like your ass or your
[00:52:32] You know what's crazy about the surgery like penis plasty.
[00:52:38] There's like different surgeons that are like my invention.
[00:52:45] Yeah and I was like got real heavy into like YouTube videos of different like ways
[00:53:01] And the war against veterans I lost my dic.
[00:53:04] No like they cut the inside of your like a strip of thin outside of your thigh.
[00:53:08] It's real intricate and then they take like veins from the guy's arm.
[00:53:11] These fat deposits and then they make like a ball sack and one of the balls is like a
[00:53:17] And then they wash the dic up and then they fashion like a glands from like the clitoris
[00:53:22] And then you see the thing at the end and you're like oh yeah that looks atrocious.
[00:53:28] That's like the worst thing I've ever seen.
[00:53:36] We just Google image searched like like plastic surgery penises for like four hours a day
[00:53:46] There was a guy in the factory that no one liked that was like five foot five and talk
[00:53:58] He was like he was and no one no one liked him in this fabrication shop Nick and I were
[00:54:02] working at and we're outside for it and smoking a cigarette with this dude and he's like dude
[00:54:06] I've had it up to here with this fucking guy dude I fucking hate him fucking Tranny.
[00:54:12] He's like dude I came to the shop the other day and he was listening to against me.
[00:54:20] That was all the stuff for them for being trans if they listen to against me.
[00:54:26] Nick and I were laughing for like two days.
[00:54:27] Yeah well it was funny because the guy that said it was like sort of he was just this
[00:54:34] And then the only reason he thought he was trans is because the guy listened to against
[00:54:38] But the more you looked at this dude you're like holy shit maybe.
[00:54:43] Because he had the voice you know the like yeah my name's fucking Sharon and yeah I'm
[00:54:50] a carpenter I always have glue on my hands and an image I have to put together like that
[00:54:55] raspy lesbian voice and then yeah the against me thing is pretty convincing.
[00:55:00] Yeah he fully convinced Nick you know like that waddle that like hip heavy where you have
[00:55:05] to like sink your hips to your shoulders.
[00:55:12] Yeah you think I could get some of so you're talking about thighs to make a dick.
[00:55:18] I'm thinking to birds with one stone I slim up my thighs cut off a little piece of each
[00:55:24] Like you ever see like a hot dog covered in bacon.
[00:55:28] Just get like extra dick girth you know you think that's possible.
[00:55:36] I mean I did where else would it be other than Germany or a board in alien spacecraft.
[00:55:42] International waters we should do illegal surgeries on international waters.
[00:55:49] Yeah what would be the plastic surgery you would get if you could get it at it.
[00:55:58] So you would have your dick removed to fill in your chest.
[00:56:04] I had a friend of the really bad chest concavity at summer camp and we stole a milk and cereal
[00:56:10] from the cafeteria and we made him we bullied him into eating cereal out of his chest.
[00:56:17] Oh you have funny another funny chest concavity story is I talked to someone you had sex with
[00:56:22] and she said that like it would make like a suction cup sound every time you fucked.
[00:56:28] Because they would just the skin would press on and then there would be like a sweaty gross
[00:56:33] weird suction cup thing while you were fucking and it was very off putting she said.
[00:56:38] That's not a joke by the way it sounds like I'm just weak fun of Adam.
[00:56:41] Who is this woman and can we put a statue of her in the middle of Union Square Park.
[00:56:58] Well as much as I hate letting Adam have the final word that should probably work about
[00:57:07] down here right we're gonna wrap it up.
[00:57:09] You guys are great enjoy the rest of the festival.
[00:57:12] We have a show Monday this comes tomorrow.
[00:57:14] We're not allowed to promote other stuff.
[00:57:18] So guys everyone all you guys close your ears.
[00:57:20] We have a show for the listener on Monday and Bensai come on everybody at nine all three
[00:57:27] We have a really good lineup this month.
[00:57:29] Yeah it's not a live podcast it's a stand up show.
[00:57:31] Shayna Pat and Mark Norman a bunch of really great comments.
[00:57:35] But anyway guys thank you so much for coming.